Another Statistic... - DivorceBusting.com

So like many others on here.. I don't know where to even begin. Other than knowing what I did and didn't do to be at this point in my life. The stories on here ring so true and similar to the one I never thought we would be going through. But I took many things for granted it seems.

Let me start off by going over a little story building with numbers.. We have been together for 14 years.. HS sweethearts essentially M for 10 years.. we were young, but determined. 2 Children and what I thought was many great memories.. Everything seemed to be good up until a few months ago. I was away for a few weeks of military training when the BD happened..Possible EA/PA with OM.. W moved out, Separation agreements have been discussed, lawyer approved and now signed. EA/PA still seems to be happening even though being told it never was or is... Not sure where to even go now, W tells me that she needs space to find herself, that we got M too early and that maybe we were never even compatible and that there was a lot of Toxic things in our relationship from the beginning. She can't see the many years of good times that we had and feels this is the only option. Does not want to talk about R or go see a MC. She has alienated all of the friends and family members who cared for her and I thought she cared for, and has surrounded herself with new found friends and others who have divorced before or are separated or the OM, who continue to feed her full of negative things I feel.. maybe not? ugh..

I'm not sure how detailed I should go into the backstory on here, but I feel that over the last 10 years I have not been the best husband that I should have been. It [censored] that its taken the BD to cause me to really open my eyes and see that my priorities have not been in the correct places. I always thought that i was doing what was best for my family by looking to the future.. but by doing that I was removing myself from the present with work, goals, ambitions, and dreams. All the while not fully allowing my W to expand hers. I never saw it before but I feel that I was very egocentric and self absorbed as I grew in my careers. Which to me all of these things are VERY fixable now.. and should have been before. I can't change the past however. I know what I need to fix about myself to be a better father to my children and a better husband.. if only my W wanted that still..

Story to come.. I try to be completely rounded on both sides of this story as I know there are many things that I could have done better.. but there are also things that she could have communicated better and not expected me to be a mind reader as well.. My story seems similar to jkr2023. Let me know how detailed I should be...

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Also to add, I do have DR that I am currently reading through. I have become more involved with my faith and continuely am going to Church and enjoying it! I have found a great very relaxed atmosphere church that my friends goto and my children love to goto also. I am trying to believe that God has a purpose for the pain and struggles that I am going through now its just tough to see them fully.. I'm just at the beginning stages of this process also.. I understand that I will go through a lot of the phases and will fall back many time as well..

I am trying to do the 180 method but it seems to currently have no effect on things.. When my W was in the home still she saw that I had changed and was more involved and appreciative as well as with talking and listening.. however she said that she could not believe it will last and felt that I was trying to make her out as the bad parent in this. When that NEVER will be the case. She is a great mother to our children, I knew what I needed to change with myself and was acting on it. I wanted my changes to stick and stay.. but I also knew that she was wanting out and that I would have to be doing a lot of the things on my own from that point forward so I needed to be doing them now..

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

IH:

Unfortunately, I've heard this speech as have many others here, looks like there may be some early signs of MLC too (needs to find herself, affairs, alienating family and friends, etc.), have you checked out those threads?

***W tells me that she needs space to find herself, that we got M too early and that maybe we were never even compatible and that there was a lot of Toxic things in our relationship from the beginning. She can't see the many years of good times that we had and feels this is the only option. Does not want to talk about R or go see a MC. She has alienated all of the friends and family members who cared for her and I thought she cared for, and has surrounded herself with new found friends and others who have divorced before or are separated or the OM, who continue to feed her full of negative things I feel.. maybe not? ugh.. ***

Good for you for recognizing your contribution to the demise of your marriage. It's taken me a while to accept that:

**I'm not sure how detailed I should go into the backstory on here, but I feel that over the last 10 years I have not been the best husband that I should have been. It [censored] that its taken the BD to cause me to really open my eyes and see that my priorities have not been in the correct places. I always thought that i was doing what was best for my family by looking to the future.. but by doing that I was removing myself from the present with work, goals, ambitions, and dreams. All the while not fully allowing my W to expand hers. I never saw it before but I feel that I was very egocentric and self absorbed as I grew in my careers. Which to me all of these things are VERY fixable now.. and should have been before. I can't change the past however. I know what I need to fix about myself to be a better father to my children and a better husband.. if only my W wanted that still..***

Where is your W living now? Where are you living? Where are the children? How much interaction do you have with your W at present?

Originally Posted By: Im_Here

I am trying to do the 180 method but it seems to currently have no effect on things.. When my W was in the home still she saw that I had changed and was more involved and appreciative as well as with talking and listening.. however she said that she could not believe it will last and felt that I was trying to make her out as the bad parent in this.

Hello Im_Here,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you and your kids. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.

It isn't uncommon for the WAW to rewrite history to suit her current needs/actions. This is especially true since she is surrounding herself with people that buy into her new lifestyle choices. You can't believe any of what she says and only half of what she does right now.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

-- Where is your W living now? Where are you living? Where are the children? How much interaction do you have with your W at present?

Gordie, My W is currently living with her parents until her apartment is ready from the previous renters. She was planning on staying at the house till it was but said she felt that leaving on the first of the month would be best.. (moreso for the 1 year separation time for our state to finally begin I feel...)

The children are split with joint custody, no one physical custody however since I am in our home all of their stuff is there too right now. We exchange weekly and they are with her right now, where for now since she is at her parents they are just bringing things back and forth..

Communication with her is very little unless it is about the kids. She expressed yesterday that she "Does not want to talk to me just to talk.. but knows that she has to communicate for the children..."

This is the same person that not just 2 months ago was a totally different person! Even when she was in the house she was friendly and helpful and talked as a family essentially.. just nothing about us. I'm beginning to think though that was all a front to keep me calm for the separation agreement.. as now that she is not living at home and the papers are signed.. shes hateful acting..

We tried to discuss the exchange of our children in the afternoon during her weeks since I pick them up from school still and I expressed that I was not comfortable and did not feel that bringing them to her work to sit for an hour everyday they're with her would be good.. plus the people there are the ones that are toxic! And I don't really want them around our children! I stayed completely calm during this conversation and she fired back with "Of course, everything has to be your way.. not any one elses way still.." To which I replied with that was not the case, that we had discussed this before and both agreed that her work would not be a good exchange place, nor was it a good idea for them to be there if they didn't have to..

I just don't understand where this hatred has come from and complete lack of wanting to even talk.. She told me when she was in the house that she wanted to still be friends.. and be amicable through all of this, that "she had fallen out of love..." To me, if that was the case.. you wouldn't have so much hatred towards someone would you?

She continue to hang out with OM as well, even though she said that it was just going to be a work relationship when we last talked about it.. She has changed so much in so little time without any remorse or looking back..

I'll post up the story after a bit this morning of what all went down to get us here...

When we dated before we married we had ups and downs.. general struggles and things I would not change on that she wanted and things that I did, she had the same. I was not the most mature then and did not have a good head on my shoulders which caused issues but we worked through them so I thought.. I know of a few idiotic moments I had back then that just can't be fixed or forgotten that went with my maturity... I ended up joining the military which fixed a lot of my maturity and some of the issues that we had between each other of priorities..
We were engaged by now and talking of M in a year, however I was presented with deployment papers which caused us to push them up rather quickly once graduating basic. I deployed for 15 months in our first year of marriage.. we ended up buying our first home together, and other things to go along with new marriages.. everything seemed to be good now. We would still have spats every now and then but generally worked through them. We were keeping busy with our home and repairs as well as starting to want babies..which didn't happen then..
That caused a lot of stress on the both of us. I look back now and see how much of an idiot I was then on how I reacted to it.. I was more concerned with myself it feels like.. I tried to be supportive and sympathetic but never grieved over it or really helped her with grieving. We did treatments and tests and she was essentially put through hell and I did not do my best at being a strong shoulder for everything looking back. Hindsight..

Another deployment came along which took me away again during this time. We had decided then that we still wanted children and looked for alternative means and came upon Adoption. Everything seemed to be falling into place now and meant to be. We were so occupied with the adoption process that we didnt have a lot of time to argue or fight or spend on each other.. We still had fun and went out together though. I continued to move forward with my military career and civilian career and everything seemed great with advancements and job changes for the both of us.

It took 4 years to finalize both of our childrens adoptions which took up a lot of our time as a couple and kept us busy. Now that everything was in place and where we wanted it to be so I thought.. I decided that the military was beginning to draw too much on me, but I continued to look to the future with the retirement and an alternative means of income and secondary job if anything ever happened with my primary. By doing that I was looking to the future but in turn removing myself from the present. We had a rather large fight/discussion about my decision to change career paths in the military mainly on the fact of it came down to I was to deploy again... I knew I would be gone for a year so why not take that year to better myself restore my want to be in the military by finally chasing a dream.. and that is what it was.. It was a dream.. It was a choice I made without much thought about my family and my W, and what it would mean or do to them. All I thought was, we could treat this as a deployment but better as I could come and go when I could and they could come and go when they could to see me also. They could have moved for the training, but I knew with her job and our children in school it would be dumb to uproot for a year just to come right back and hard enough on them already. I still made that choice to leave.. not being forced this time by the military.. I feel that is the one major blow that started the boulder tumbling..

After the discussion she had put on the supportive W face which I was blind to see that it was not a true supportive W. Everything seemed to be good though, we went on vacations, had fun, our communication began to build up i felt and we were laughing and joking and flirting through texts which we had not done in a long time right before I was to leave for the first part of training a few months back even the first couple weeks of training everything seemed ok. We were sending love yous back and forth and miss yous. When we were able to talk it was a little broken down, and I know I did not do the best at communicating correctly as before when I went on deployments she would be stuck with a lot to do. I tried my hardest to ensure that everything was taken care of before I left this time so she wouldn't have to worry.. The way I asked questions about the home and finances did not come across the best though I guess..

it was not intended that way but I failed.

Finances was a struggle that we fought about a lot.. I managed the finances and we had a good bit of debts due to the adoptions and other things and I didn't see it then but I definitely see how I acted now which was wrong, but whenever there was something that she wanted to do, as a hobby or something she was interested in, for example any of the number of pampered chefs, or clothing, or oil things that are out there.. I would always see them as pyramid schemes and hate that she would be involved in them as I felt she was being taken advantage of and essentially wasting money.. I did not even think that this was something she enjoyed doing or wanted to do.. and I became a control freak over money due to that, and in a way did not allow her to do something she wanted to do.. Whenever she wanted to spend money on things like that, even though I wanted her to enjoy stuff, it always seemed to fall at the wrong time or I'd get mad about it.. However, whenever I came across something, anything that I wanted... I would always find the way to make funds appear.. WHICH WAS WRONG! and I see that now.. Why I didn't before I don't know..
These are all things I'm working on fixing about myself.. the financial control, the empatheticness towards others that I struggled with due to how I acted in the military, the egotistical mindset that I developed due to the military and having so many schools under my belt and where everything seemed to always work and I never really failed in the military.. Since I have pulled myself back from all that I am much calmer and much more relaxed. Especially with our children and I love it! That is one of the best changes I could have ever done and want to continue. And I know these changes in a way I want for her.. but they need to be for me..

So back to what happened.. things changed in the middle of my training.. her complete tone changed and the hatred all the sudden came out in full force, I was in a way "Blindsided" by the change and had no idea what was going on.. she did not want to talk to me but would let me talk to the kids the rest of the time there.. without going into great detail of the rest, it continued through graduation and returning home through the holidays. During my time home was when my family and friends began to approach me with things they were seeing that went on while I was gone with my W and OM, more and more people came to me with concerns that added to what I already knew and was suspecting before I left for training that I started to see.. I did not want to believe any of it but everything was coenciding way too much with her change and want for separation.

I've said it from the start of this.. that had the reasons that we were here come out before I left or before there was any image of an OM, I would be more ok with dealing with this.. or how she felt. I would still for sure want to fix things and still want us to work through our issues to where we could still be together and continue our Relationship.. but the part of the OM adds another layer of complexity to everything..

During the time through the holidays and while she was in the house is what kills me, as we still went out and did stuff as a family, ate dinner as a family, cleaned the house and helped each other out and offered help to each other, said thank yous and showed general concern with each other it seemed, until the kids went to bed when we went to our separate ends of the house.. We were able to have VERY good conversations about our past and us during this time as well that I honestly felt were from the heart.. but then it was light a lightswitch the next day and it was complete discontent from her.. This continued up until she moved out the other week as said above..
Now that the papers are signed and she is out of the house there has been very little conversation between us... only about the kids or legal matters or finances. I don't know what her parents and family know but want to believe that they would not stand for the actions while I was gone if they knew.. I know that she continues to be involved with the OM outside of work and there doesnt look to be any end to it.

I am currently seeing an IC and asked if she would come one day or even if we could go and speak to our pastor together to which she wanted nothing to do with that originally. She did at one point change and say that she would be willing to goto my IC one time for me. When I asked her again just before she moved out she told me she did not think she could now and that she would not go for MC, that she would only go to see mine for me.. which how does that work? My understanding of her saying that was that she only wanted to help me move forward with what was happening.. not to fix or try to work on anything. She continued to tell me when she was in the house that she was not interested in R "RIGHT NOW." She would always end it with Right now.. which kept building a bit of hope in me.. and still does. But her actions and the way she acts with me anymore makes me think that she did not truly mean that. She has lied to me, her family and others through this so I cannot trust what she says anymore. I don't even know who she is anymore as her interests and likes have completely changed as well.

I agree that I feel there is either MLC or WW happening in her actions to which I see no end. The OM has a track history of going after married women so I am not sure how long that will last or if it even had substance to it from the beginning or if he was just at the right place at the right time for her to lean on.. I agree though that they A down! He is a complete opposite of what I ever thought she liked... who knows.. It [censored].. I know everything we have is a material thing.. but to throw away everything that was good and nice that we built and put together in 14 years.. as well as the struggles our children have already had to endure before.. only to cause it again for them doesn't seem worth it for any of this! I honestly feel that all this could be worked though and talked about...

I tried to be as well rounded in this as possible to show that I have many faults in it too.. this may have been too descriptive and I can subdue it if need.. just let me know..

How do I move forward other than working on myself for my kids? I have been trying to do the 180, but the limiting communication thing just seems like it has been counterproductive with how she acts now that she has moved out and we havent talked hardly.. I have learned how to do ALOT for my daughter and my son through this that I never thought I could or would before so that has been great! Ive been more relaxed with work and things at home as well as more patient with our children and others.. I read more now and have taken interest in old hobbies as well as am getting back to going to the gym regularly..

I did remove my wedding band the other day due to me feeling there is nothing left of our old M after seeing that she continues to see the OM and that she is not wanting this separation to find herself like she told me.. She stopped wearing hers off and on while we were together after I came back from training to the point of she stopped wearing it all together weeks before she left.. That was a crushing blow to me as well.. and It still feels weird to me that I don't have it on anymore.. the ghost feelings are there and the sadness that its not there hits me often..

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

Should I repost all this over in MLC forum? or start posting over there or stay in here? Or post in both? Ive gotten a lot of good support from family members as well as through counseling and chaplains and pastors.. I know who I can work on myself.. I just wish we could work on us together.. The more days go by the further away she seems..

Im_Here,

Trying to follow your story, there's a lot to unpack:

1. Military. First, thank you for your service. With the deployments and everything, this can of course be extraordinarily challenging to a MR.

2. Fertility. It sounds like you had fertility issues. While this is challenging for both H and W, it can be identity shattering for the W. Did your W deal with this or did she stuff her feelings/suffer depression?

3. Children. Congratulations on your adoptions. How did your W adjust to motherhood/how did you adjust to fatherhood/how did that affect your R?

4. Career/money. It sounds like you put a lot of your interests first without your W's input or consideration, is that correct?

5. OM. It sounds like you've heard a lot and suspected a lot. What is confirmed? Is it an EA or a PA? What does she get from OM?

6. Separation. You are legally separated now. Is that going to be a long term arrangement or are there discussions of divorce?

What should you do?

1. You are right that your primary focus should be on you and improving you, which is the only thing you can control.

2. You are right that your secondary focus should be on your kids; you have them 50% of the time which is great. You said you have improved on being a dad, which is great, keep up with that.

3. You are concerned that it's hard to move the needle as (a) you have very little interaction with your W and (b) she is still involved with OM. You are right, so you need to focus on #1 and #2 above and when you do interact, make it a positive one (look good, smell good, be positive, act as if, no R talks).

Quote:

Should I repost all this over in MLC forum? or start posting over there or stay in here? Or post in both?

No, just stay where you are for now. Why would you suspect MLC?

Originally Posted By: Gordie

Im_Here,

Trying to follow your story, there's a lot to unpack:

1. Military. First, thank you for your service. With the deployments and everything, this can of course be extraordinarily challenging to a MR.

2. Fertility. It sounds like you had fertility issues. While this is challenging for both H and W, it can be identity shattering for the W. Did your W deal with this or did she stuff her feelings/suffer depression?

3. Children. Congratulations on your adoptions. How did your W adjust to motherhood/how did you adjust to fatherhood/how did that affect your R?

4. Career/money. It sounds like you put a lot of your interests first without your W's input or consideration, is that correct?

5. OM. It sounds like you've heard a lot and suspected a lot. What is confirmed? Is it an EA or a PA? What does she get from OM?

6. Separation. You are legally separated now. Is that going to be a long term arrangement or are there discussions of divorce?

What should you do?

1. You are right that your primary focus should be on you and improving you, which is the only thing you can control.

2. You are right that your secondary focus should be on your kids; you have them 50% of the time which is great. You said you have improved on being a dad, which is great, keep up with that.

3. You are concerned that it's hard to move the needle as (a) you have very little interaction with your W and (b) she is still involved with OM. You are right, so you need to focus on #1 and #2 above and when you do interact, make it a positive one (look good, smell good, be positive, act as if, no R talks).

1. Military. First, thank you for your service. With the deployments and everything, this can of course be extraordinarily challenging to a MR.
Thank You, I appreciate that.

2. Fertility. It sounds like you had fertility issues. While this is challenging for both H and W, it can be identity shattering for the W. Did your W deal with this or did she stuff her feelings/suffer depression?
She did in her own way.. but I feel that there is still some resentment and thinking that it could work with someone else.. especially with what I have heard from coworkers overhearing her communication with the other toxic employees.. I could be completely wrong on this as she loves our children but has always wanted a baby

. As have I!

3. Children. Congratulations on your adoptions. How did your W adjust to motherhood/how did you adjust to fatherhood/how did that affect your R?
She has always been a more hands off mother with playing with the kids and getting down on the floor with them or outside playing with them.. I brought this up when we were talking over some of the issues as a concern for me that I has always felt and wished she was more involved in that aspect. She loves them to death in different ways though.
As far as me, I have been involved in the best ways I know how before but stressed by the military and other things that I placed before my family that I should not have... Since the BD, I have been full force daddy though and have done things I never thought I could before as far as being a parent. I have tried to take on Single Parent to the fullest and love it.

4. Career/money. It sounds like you put a lot of your interests first without your W's input or consideration, is that correct?
That is correct.. I never intended that in my actions as I thought I was doing what was best for the family but took more of my own concerns with career and future/money to provide for them that I took my emotional piece out I think. However this was never fully communicated till recently. Or I did not see the signs and concerns she had before...

5. OM. It sounds like you've heard a lot and suspected a lot. What is confirmed? Is it an EA or a PA? What does she get from OM?
Confirmed on the EA pieces through my snooping.. I know bad.. but I wanted to know.. Suspected by OM staying overnight on numerous occasions at our house "As a friend" while I was gone and his interactions with her and the kids that had never been there before.. I felt that I was being replaced by him when I was gone and that her intentions had I left for the full training would be that he would do more..
I feel what she gets from him right now is attention and affection through talking and telling her everything she wants/needs to hear that I was not providing correctly..

6. Separation. You are legally separated now. Is that going to be a long term arrangement or are there discussions of divorce?
I actually asked this question when she started with wanting a separation and to her there is no timeline.. she could only say the state requires that we be separated for a year before anything else happens.. She hasn't said that she wants a D.. but also hasnt said anything about R and doesn't show any intentions about wanting that..

I mainly said that in that her actions and how she is now mimics those that I have read with MLC or WW.. and not so much on a WAW.. no remorse, sadness on events..

Sorry last reply was in response to sandi 2's question about MLC

Did your W have a fairly normal childhood? Did either of you date others before becoming high school sweethearts?

There are some threads about the mindset of a wayward wife. You should be able to see if it sounds like your W.

Quote:

Military

What branch?

Navy, sir.

ARMY and thank you for your service.

Originally Posted By: sandi2

Did your W have a fairly normal childhood? Did either of you date others before becoming high school sweethearts?

There are some threads about the mindset of a wayward wife. You should be able to see if it sounds like your W.

Yes and no.. I mean to how I was raised it was much different, which shows some in our parenting differences. Nothing bad, just seemed her upbringing was less fun more structured.. And yes we both dated others before. Sex with others, no...

I'm working on GAL.. its tough being that I've been so used to having someone close to talk to and want to experience things with. Ive joined a gym again and have been wanting to get back into hobbies I had before, ie. Playing Guitar.. having a car to work on.. Goal would be to get a classic car to build and work on with my young son. Let him have some good father son bonding time as well as my daughter as she can be a real tomboy sometimes.

Update... The hits just keep on coming.. They say things come in 3s.. so I'm not sure what else there is to hit me to make the third.. but I just lost my Grandfather who I was pretty close to and meant a lot to me. He was one I had looked up to and followed in a way into the military as well.

When I let her know he passed in person all I received back was an "Oh"...Nothing much else.. she asked if there was anything she could do, but moreso was there anything she could do as far as the kids, if they needed to be with me some or needed help picking them up from school.. nothing more. I don't know why I was expecting a different response.. but a part of me was hoping for more.. A part of me was hoping for at least a friendly hug, or more concern. I guess this is where I'm stuck on the, "I just need space so that I can find myself." Which has not been what I have been seeing since she got her space.

I would think that 14 years together that there would still be some type of feelings there or general niceness, even if just for my family.. but I guess not. Just an "Oh," and then diverting to the children.. I mean before, she said she wanted to still be friends and have a good relationship through this.. Now I don't believe it... Her family at least was the first to reach out with condolences..

Am I wrong in my thinking?? What can cause such disconnect when everything seemed fine not even that long ago!?

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

Re your W, I think this is why they say keep your expectations at ZERO. You obviously still have expectations for how she should interact with you and those expectations are hurting YOU. You need to take them down to zero so when she doesn't give you sympathy, ask how you are doing, or give you a hug, it doesn't affect you. Treat her like a female neighbor or a female store clerk. Would you be disappointed if they didn't give you a hug?

Originally Posted By: Gordie

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

Re your W, I think this is why they say keep your expectations at ZERO. You obviously still have expectations for how she should interact with you and those expectations are hurting YOU. You need to take them down to zero so when she doesn't give you sympathy, ask how you are doing, or give you a hug, it doesn't affect you. Treat her like a female neighbor or a female store clerk. Would you be disappointed if they didn't give you a hug?

Thank you Gordie for the kick.. I'm trying, I guess the feeling of not having closure on the why is my problem, that and the emotional kick of loss again.. I go through the ZERO expectation, but something causes me to want again.. Should I just be completely numb with things about her while 180ing? As so far doing the NC except for kids, W seems unfazed or worse.. and I know its still very early in the process but I guess I'm still stuck on feelings and wants..

It's painful to lose anyone you love. I was extremely close to my grandparents. It must be extra painful not to have the emotional support from your spouse.

To answer your last question from your post, a wayward mindset can cause a person to disconnect from their spouse and the MR. I believe she is wayward, based on what I am reading in your description. Actually, a WW can turn around much faster than one in MLC. I'm not saying she will.....but it is possible, and

Quote:

that is the good news.

I just need space so that I can find myself." Which has not been what I have been seeing since she got her space.

Perhaps I've already said this........it is "script" taken from the WW textbook. Believe nothing she tells you. I think it's Cadet who says if her mouth is open she is lying. If you will read the thread about the wayward wife, it might save you valuable time and spare you a little pain.

This is not the girl you married! She has completely changed, but if you will approach this issue of her wayward mindset, she can turn back. She will not grow out of it, and she won't "snap" out of it.....until she begins experiencing the loss of something valuable to her. In some cases, the loss may be cumulative......and in other cases, it may be one thing that shocks her so badly that she sees the reality around her, instead of her fantasy. She will know it is the result of her decisions. She will see how wrong she has been....and she cannot blame anyone but herself.

I strongly suggest that the loss begins with you. I don't mean it is your job to punish her, nor should you hunt for ways to create losses for her. Know what I mean? Work on what you can control, which is you.

She still has you. You are available to her, and she can manipulate you b/c you want to save the M. She can see your neediness and eagerness to get her back home. She will use you to her advantage. For waywards.....everything is all about herself and how she benefits. I dare suggest she still gets some benefits from what you provide, although she does not want to be your W. She wants the advantages of the M, without the responsibilities. The WW will try to keep on foot in the M and the other foot in her fantasy (OM, Girls Gone Wild, etc.)

So, what can you do to take yourself out of that picture? Start with your time and availability. How available are you to her calls/texting? Do you wait, or check your messages to see if you missed her? Do make up excuses to contact her? Kids are used all the time by the LBS, as their excuse to discuss logistics with the WW every day. If you don't believe me, just start reading threads, and you'll see how quickly H's add they had to talk about kid logistics with the WW. Okay, so moving right along....... How available do you give her a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen to all "about her"? How available are you to keep the kids when they are scheduled to be with her? If you have not started feeling "used", just wait cause it's coming. It's all about what she wants and the way she wants it. How flexable are you to do pretty much anything she asks? Are the doors to the marital home open for whenever she decides to pop in? Does she get to go to the home when she wants to see the kids on your scheduled time? Does she leave clothes and personal items in the marital home? Do you take care of her car, or make payments she cannot afford? Do you help her fix whatever at her place (plumbing, electrical stuff, technical stuff, etc.)? Do you ever attend events with her (family, job, school activites, birthdays, etc.)? These are just a few ways the WW can still benefit from the M and continue her affair and living outside the M. These are things you where you have an option of choice, b/c it all involves your participation. See what I mean? This is where you start. You cannot emotionally detach, if you can't learn to control your end. And she won't want you as long as you are available.

If you don't think this would make a big difference, just do it.......and see. She won't like it one little bit. She still expects you to be available for her. She has removed herself from the MR and the marital home. She is no longer gets the umbrella of benefits that go with the position of being your wife. See what I mean?

It is not a matter of what you "want to do". It is a matter of doing what works with a wayward wife. The hard part comes first, and it won't change for the better in a short time......but if you stick with respecting yourself and setting effective boundaries to protect your feelings....things will change for the better.

You feel afraid that you'll lose her. You have already lost her. ((I'm Here)) I would like to help you understand how you can attract her back to you. So, do this afraid.....but do it.

Too long of a post, so I won't go into more right now. Please read the thread on help for newcomer LBH who has a WW.

P.S. Do not repeat anything I've said to your WW. You are obtaining the information (the tools) you need, and we can't relay everything in just a few posts. Give us some time, and don't make any big moves without checking here first. Men will do that when they read something new......but they don't have all the details yet. The result is him making a bigger mess of things. Okay?

Stay with us, and post every day.

I'm Here.......my situation is identical to yours and I am having the same struggles you are. Very hard to process.

Originally Posted By: jkr2023

I'm Here.......my situation is identical to yours and I am having the same struggles you are. Very hard to process.

jkr, I actually was reading through your thread the other day and related on a lot of the things you are experiencing.. If you ever need/want to talk let me know..

So, what can you do to take yourself out of that picture? Start with your time and availability. How available are you to her calls/texting? Do you wait, or check your messages to see if you missed her?
For the most part I have been fairly responsive due to the kids. I did respond and help her with an issue the other week when the kids were with me and felt afterwards that that was a mistake and I should have either waited on the response or not been so helpful.

Do make up excuses to contact her? Kids are used all the time by the LBS, as their excuse to discuss logistics with the WW every day. If you don't believe me, just start reading threads, and you'll see how quickly H's add they had to talk about kid logistics with the WW.

This part I do not do. When we talk it usually is her contacting me and its about the kids or related to them or legal parts of the separation. I have been NC with her other than for the kids. Which to me hasn't changed her in any way.. other than making her happy as she can continue without thinking of me.

Okay, so moving right along....... How available do you give her a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen to all "about her"?

She hasn't come to be with any issues, as the last year or so we began to lose communication with each other and we stopped communicating our problems or worries with each other. I would still with her but she became less and less with me. I know for sure that I could have done better at listening but started to lose the want to as I was not receiving the same thing when I tried with her.. probably not the right answer but I can't change that part now..

How available are you to keep the kids when they are scheduled to be with her? If you have not started feeling "used", just wait cause it's coming. It's all about what she wants and the way she wants it. How flexible are you to do pretty much anything she asks?

This one is tough for me, as I want to spend as much time with them as I can and they always want to be around me or with me from what I have seen.. I still pick the kids up from school everyday even during her weeks as that was the schedule we had before and it worked, as well as being more cost effective. It gives me the additional time every weekday with them that I normally would not have, but its helping her as she doesn't have to pay now for after-school care or really go out of her way to change with this process... so again, this is a tough one.

I have looked back on a lot of times and have felt like I have been used in a lot of ways... it [censored].. Objectively looking back at the last 14 years I begin to see things that I blinded myself to. I am still pretty flexible also.. I'm working on this but its tough again as Ive always been flexible with whats been asked.. I say always but I can also think of times that I should have been that I more so in the last 2 or so years began to not be as it didn't "Benefit me" in a way.. wrong attitude to have but it began to feel very one sided with how things were going to me.. I tried to express that to her at the time but I don't think it came out the way i intended it.

Are the doors to the marital home open for whenever she decides to pop in? Does she get to go to the home when she wants to see the kids on your scheduled time? Does she leave clothes and personal items in the marital home?

So, currently yes and no.. She hasn't "decided to pop in" persay, I did go against the teachings in the 180 during the beginning stages of my emotional breakdown during this when she was saying that she was just going to stay with her parents or a hotel one night and we had a long talk that I felt was productive.. I had told her that she would always be welcome in OUR home when she asked if I would be ok if she decided to come back home that night... but then after a few hours and her returning to the home, I began to feel that it was more manipulative and her trying to regain control of the situation and mad that she came back so quick.. She showed signs of being sad about everything for the first time and some remorse.. but that was immediately gone after a few hours of being gone..

I had originally said to her that she could bring the kids by the house to play since majority of their things were there.. but feel that might not be the best idea as well now..

Pretty much all of her things have been removed from the home now, that was an eventful and emotional day as well.. with her smug face and laughing with her coworkers as she was carrying things out of the home when I drove past with the kids.. I tried to not let them see that part but she decided to last minute plan the move of the bigger items when I went to pick the kids up from school.. She left her key when she left also..

Do you take care of her car, or make payments she cannot afford?

I did when she was still in the home. Now that she is out of the home the situation has not arisen.. I would think that I would not, but I've always been the help others type of person... Her car is paid off.

Do you help her fix whatever at her place (plumbing, electrical stuff, technical stuff, etc.)?

This situation has not arisen yet.. but I feel that it will.

Do you ever attend events with her (family, job, school activities, birthdays, etc.)?

For our children we have gone "together" to school events. We did not ride together then but sat together. This was before we let the school know we were separating though. We had talked about that we would continue this for the kids sake.. so I'm not sure how to detach from that piece.

To me it is really tough to detach and be NC with someone who you share two wonderful children with and see on a daily basis during her week but not during mine. When she calls the kids in the afternoon I usually just hit the accept call button and speaker and then hand it to the kids without saying hello, whereas she will sometimes answer when I call for them.

How do you withdraw from someone who you share to great kids with and want them to be happy and feel loved throughout all this. I want for them the most to have their family back. The one that we worked so hard to provide and show for them when they were adopted. In what ways can I remove myself from her eyes enough that she would feel a loss??

I have not brought up and R or MR talks with her anymore, and I have tried to be the one to end the conversation or meeting first. I feel that since she is still at her parents and not fully in her place yet that I have not seen the true side of things.. There is still a lot to come.
I have done a lot of looking back on our R and through the current events have honestly started to feel that she may be right on some things.. I don't want to believe them or think that they can be true, but in some ways I want to feel that she was In Love with the idea of me and us.. but never truly in love with me or have affection towards me in the way she should have.. In the way that I had towards her.. I don't want to believe that, but just don't know anymore..

These are just a few ways the WW can still benefit from the M and continue her affair and living outside the M. These are things you where you have an option of choice, b/c it all involves your participation. See what I mean? This is where you start. You cannot emotionally detach, if you can't learn to control your end. And she won't want you as long as you are available.

If you don't think this would make a big difference, just do it.......and see. She won't like it one little bit. She still expects you to be available for her. She has removed herself from the MR and the marital home. She is no longer gets the umbrella of benefits that go with the position of being your wife. See what I mean?

It is not a matter of what you "want to do". It is a matter of doing what works with a wayward wife. The hard part comes first, and it won't change for the better in a short time......but if you stick with respecting yourself and setting effective boundaries to protect your feelings....things will change for the better.

You feel afraid that you'll lose her. You have already lost her. ((I'm Here)) I would like to help you understand how you can attract her back to you. So, do this afraid.....but do it.

Thank you so much sandi2, Being on here and talking with others is helping. My family and friends have been a big help as well and have tied to be objective and have a 2 sided reasoning on things.. The 2x4's are needed often to keep me on the right track.. Through the darkness I will eventually see the light. I want to hope that it is with the W.. but it needs to be for the right reasons and wants.

Thanks for answering my questions. It sounds as if you are avoiding the pitfalls a lot of newcomers face.

I agree about you picking up the kids from school, especially since this was the previous routine.

Continue reading and posting. You will get support here.

Are you still with us?

Yes, sorry. This week has been tough with my grandfathers funeral and V day and everything else.. Funeral day went good, the kids looked great and were angels. Still frustrated over her non concern with any of the family or showing any sadness over any of it.. Her family at least sent a flower arrangement, which was nice.

Vday started out rough.. but I turned it around and took my kids out on a date, bought roses for my daughter and chocolate for my son and took them to dinner. Overall it was a great night and one for memories for them! Rest of the week has been ok.. ups and downs.. Today was a bit more rough though as it seems that OM has been driving W to work now during this week... she lied to my face about why she didn't have her car earlier in the week when she came to meet me to deal with some things and continues to lie..
I actually was not able to control some of that anger today on a phone call with her over the kids and blew up a bit about everything this past week... it felt good but I imagine it won't end well and I'll regret what happens now but I could not stand it anymore.. I havent had a good way to get frustrations out this week at the GYM either so that might be one reason.

I'm still here.. trying to stick with it. I still have hope/want for things to work, but when its completely one sided and OM is still in the picture I don't know how that will work...

Those frustrations are a pain in the @$$. I have pulled out the old punching bag in the garage and it seems to work them out quite well. The gym and running helps, but something about pounding away on the bag with your fists is a good way to release those pent up frustrations.

One day at a time my brother...

Originally Posted By: SBJ

Those frustrations are a pain in the @$$. I have pulled out the old punching bag in the garage and it seems to work them out quite well. The gym and running helps, but something about pounding away on the bag with your fists is a good way to release those pent up frustrations.

One day at a time my brother...

I luckily have a heavy bag in my garage that I have wailed on before. Just need to get out there again and let it out..

I sit here today and can't stop wondering if I should apologize for letting my emotions take over yesterday during the call or if I should just let it be as its in a way a boundary that I'm standing behind. And I honestly felt that she was not trusting my judgement with taking care of the kids during my time. She was pushing her way in again to try and control the situation since they were not with her.

I understand her concern for the children in wanting to make sure they are taken care of and not being taken somewhere that would be a bad place. But we both agreed that we would let each other know if we cannot watch the kids during emergencies. The fact that she blew up my phone in a matter of minutes trying to get me to respond was uncalled for. Especially for the fact that we are not together as a couple in that sense..

I feel the same way towards her wanting the kids to be around certain people, especially around OM..but honestly can I control that? NO. She is going to go and do whatever she wants anyways. She has already showed that to me with her lieing to my face and doing whatever anyways.. I would hope that she will respect my wishes but don't imagine it will happen. And I told her that too, that I have no control over what she does but feel that the people she associates with and works with are not the best to be around the kids.. she of course doesn't see that.

Not much to update today.. Kids are back with her this week so the silence and loneliness sets in again. Friends and family have been good on keeping in touch and trying to get me to do stuff.. Most days I'd rather just stay at home and relax a bit though. I hate the feeling of always going anymore..

Quote:

Not much to update today.. Kids are back with her this week so the silence and loneliness sets in again. Friends and family have been good on keeping in touch and trying to get me to do stuff.. Most days I'd rather just stay at home and relax a bit though. I hate the feeling of always going anymore..

I hate the empty house when the kids aren't home. Sickeningly quiet. I'm with you on the relaxing part. My hobbies help me out a lot.

Hello Im_here,

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your grandfather. I'm glad the funeral day went well, all thing considered.

Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal.

Don't beat yourself up regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them. Speaking with one of our DB Coaches will help you focus on your best next steps. Please call me at 303-444-7004 to discuss our program.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

Thank you Cristy.. I will most likely be calling this week for a session..

As for the NC, how does everyone do this when you have children involved?? We have pretty much been down to only having conversations about the kids as she did not want to talk normal or about us before..

I see the kids daily during the week on her week as I pick them up from school each day so there is a daily interaction with her on her week but not mine. We call the kids each night as well.. We are still friend on FB also, however I have noticed that she has already deleted her marriage status and is slowly erasing history of us by deleting pictures of our wedding and other events of us together a bit at a time.. I'm obsessing over that too and its unhealthy but its still a view into her life and possibly what is going on with her but she has never been one to post a lot on fb.. I feel that if I unfriend her or block her I will lose ability to see pictures of our kids that she might post.. but she never has been one to post a lot of those either so maybe I wont..

I have been very amicable throughout this entire process and have not blown up about the EA/PA like I probably should have and the fact that I am still trying to hold on I feel she is using to her advantage.. she sees that I'm still around and it doesn't phase her..

Will removing myself from her FB and trying to be as NC as possible potentially make her see that I am moving on and she now has lost something? Or will it just give her relief...

Originally Posted By: Im_Here

...and the fact that I am still trying to hold on I feel she is using to her advantage.. she sees that I'm still around and it doesn't phase her..

Will removing myself from her FB and trying to be as NC as possible potentially make her see that I am moving on and she now has lost something? Or will it just give her relief...

Im_Here,

You're pursuing so she's distancing. You can't make her do anything; you need to move on for yourself, not so she'll see that you're moving on.

I had six sessions with a DB coach and there was one session that really changed my mindset. The DB coach was telling me to get out and GAL, but I told him that I really didn't have the time for GAL. Then, he said, "Your wife is going to divorce you, soon you'll have plenty of time." He said that in a very matter-of-fact manner. That one statement really helped clear my fog.

You have to understand, for now your wife is gone. Wake up and smell the coffee. Stop living for her and get your ducks in a row so that you can live for yourself. The sooner you do that, the sooner you'll be on the path to better things, with or without her.

Originally Posted By: doodler

Originally Posted By: Im_Here

...and the fact that I am still trying to hold on I feel she is using to her advantage.. she sees that I'm still around and it doesn't phase her..

Will removing myself from her FB and trying to be as NC as possible potentially make her see that I am moving on and she now has lost something? Or will it just give her relief...

Im_Here,

You're pursuing so she's distancing. You can't make her do anything; you need to move on for yourself, not so she'll see that you're moving on.

I had six sessions with a DB coach and there was one session that really changed my mindset. The DB coach was telling me to get out and GAL, but I told him that I really didn't have the time for GAL. Then, he said, "Your wife is going to divorce you, soon you'll have plenty of time." He said that in a very matter-of-fact manner. That one statement really helped clear my fog.

You have to understand, for now your wife is gone. Wake up and smell the coffee. Stop living for her and get your ducks in a row so that you can live for yourself. The sooner you do that, the sooner you'll be on the path to better things, with or without her.

Doodler, I can see that I'm still not doing it for myself.. fully, however I am going out and GAL.. with friends and family and in my own house. However, I am still obsessing from time to time over what she is doing.. but I'm not sure how I am pursuing though as she has already moved out, we don't talk unless its about the kids or something legal that she has done out of the blue.. I haven't done anything else to essentially pursue her other than still be somewhat available to her..

Originally Posted By: Im_Here

... and the fact that I am still trying to hold on I feel she is using to her advantage...

Im_Here,

It's not easy.

Quote:

It's not easy.

Understatement of the year.

Originally Posted By: Im_Here

Thank you Cristy.. I will most likely be calling this week for a session..

Definitely do! Its been very helpful for me. Good use of the money. I originally purchased 6 sessions, but have since bought more just to have for future use.

Originally Posted By: Im_Here

We are still friend on FB also, however I have noticed that she has already deleted her marriage status and is slowly erasing history of us by deleting pictures of our wedding and other events of us together a bit at a time.. I'm obsessing over that too and its unhealthy but its still a view into her life and possibly what is going on with her but she has never been one to post a lot on fb.. I feel that if I unfriend her or block her I will lose ability to see pictures of our kids that she might post.. but she never has been one to post a lot of those either so maybe I wont..

Will removing myself from her FB and trying to be as NC as possible potentially make her see that I am moving on and she now has lost something? Or will it just give her relief...

Unfriending would probably come across as punitive, which you should stay away from.

Since you are having troubles detaching, I would recommend "unfollowing" her so that you remain friends, but don't see any of her posts. It will hurt to not see pics of your kids, but its probably necessary.

This whole thing is super tough and not easy. We didn't ask for it, but how we react is unbelievably important.

If you have a phone, you'll have no shortage of pictures of your children.

Originally Posted By: JRuss

If you have a phone, you'll have no shortage of pictures of your children.

This is very true. I was always the one behind the camera in our M.. so majority of the pictures were always the kids or the kids and her.. I won't have a shortage of time and memories with my kids when they are with me. I guess I may be overthinking missing things as I will miss them either way whether I see them or not..

Doodler, I think I get what you are saying though.. I've always been the type of person who cares about what others think of me.. and that has always affected me.. Moreso now than ever. I need to stop thinking about what she will think with my actions as she has already made her mind up and is gone.. I need to act for myself and live my life how I want to. If she comes around later and wants to be apart of that life than ok, but if not then I have to be ok with that..

Originally Posted By: Im_Here

Thank you Cristy.. I will most likely be calling this week for a session..

Hello Im_Here,

Sounds good! I'm looking forward to speaking with you.

Originally Posted By: Im_Here

Will removing myself from her FB and trying to be as NC as possible potentially make her see that I am moving on and she now has lost something? Or will it just give her relief...

Another option would be to "hide" her posts of FB. That way you have not "unfriended" her and she can see your posts. Do whatever you want based on your feelings and needs. Don't do it to get a reaction from her.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

Annnnnnnd.... PA pretty well confirmed today... and still ongoing....Joy...

Originally Posted By: Im_Here

Annnnnnnd.... PA pretty well confirmed today... and still ongoing....Joy...

Same thing happened to me yesterday. I feel your pain.

Use it as motivation to further detach. Let go. Move forward with your life without her. And however you found out that the PA is ongoing, don't look there again (but save the info for your L).

Quote:

Use it as motivation to further detach. Let go. Move forward with your life without her. And however you found out that the PA is ongoing, don't look there again (but save the info for your L).

Well said, sir. He does need to get everything he can - email/text/photo - for the lawyer.

Ugh, so hard dealing with an A and to know it is still going on. I hated the emotional rollercoaster that shock wave took me on. Sorry my friend, but KevinIn is correct when saying to use this info to help detach.

Unfortunately, where I live, my state is now a "no fault" state meaning no matter how much evidence I have of her A I will not be able to present it before a judge in my case. If it will help you during your proceedings then by all means use it, but if not then I'm not sure you would want to hang onto all that hurtful evidence?

Quote:

Ugh, so hard dealing with an A and to know it is still going on. I hated the emotional rollercoaster that shock wave took me on. Sorry my friend, but KevinIn is correct when saying to use this info to help detach.

Yes it is, sir. I suspected it and in the midst of snooping found more disturbing stuff than I care to admit. Ugh. And when the OM's ex-W sent me all of it, that was the icing. That roller coaster was, well, sucktastic.

Quote:

Unfortunately, where I live, my state is now a "no fault" state meaning no matter how much evidence I have of her A I will not be able to present it before a judge in my case. If it will help you during your proceedings then by all means use it, but if not then I'm not sure you would want to hang onto all that hurtful evidence?

I am also in a no-fault state. But it was useful...in more ways than one. Keep the info until all is said and done.

Originally Posted By: Jeep74

sucktastic.

I just got a new favorite word to describe my life lately. once again, Jeep has been helpful to my life.

No fault state here as well.. mainly just that confirmation for myself.. and a piece if I needed to confirm to any else.. which really doesn't matter as those that i know cared already saw what was going on before and had concern.. The ones that she surrounds herself with now are ok with the A happening and the Sep and D.. because they have all been D themselves! ugh...

I keep chugging along with my kiddos.. they keep me heading on the right path to bettering myself and keep me leveled on this plane.. without them I don't know where I would be. The problem is I cannot go full NC though as conversations happen about them with the STBXW...I still am not fond of that acronym.. Everytime we talk even if its about the kids brings up memories and feels just like we are still together.. it [censored] as I know I can't trust her words..

Had a Bday over the weekend as well and spent time with friends and family which was nice, they made a big deal out of it but its just another day to me.. she never directly said Happy Bday to me.. although at the end of the night she asked if her and the kids could bring by a gift from them in the morning and it sounded like she sang happy bday with them over the phone which was nice.. but again, words not actions...

My mind was racing this morning with thoughts of things I wished I could say to her, things that before would mean something, or so I thought would mean something.. I try to remain strong, its the weeks I don't have the kids with me that I slip as they usually keep me busy enough to not think about it..

Another thing to add also, is the worst part in all this and I know I have read it numerous times before.. is the feeling of losing your best friend. You have pictures or stuff that you want to tell someone that you would have told her before without a thought.. and now you have no one to share it with..

Like I had a funny picture of our kids or something else that normally I would share with her and now I don't have anyone to share it with..

Originally Posted By: Im_Here

Another thing to add also, is the worst part in all this and I know I have read it numerous times before.. is the feeling of losing your best friend. You have pictures or stuff that you want to tell someone that you would have told her before without a thought.. and now you have no one to share it with..

Like I had a funny picture of our kids or something else that normally I would share with her and now I don't have anyone to share it with..

I feel your pain on this one. I truly do. No one to share anything with.