Hi everyone.
Her is a brief overview of my situation. Any advice is much appreciated.
Wife left 4 months ago and said 'I will be back when you get your crap together'.
(Her and a new found best friend left at the same time, and stayed together for 2 weeks at friends moms house.
I feel the friend convinced her to leave bc misery loves company.)
That meaning committing to spending more time with her and the kids, slack up on drinking on weekends, and getting rid of the stressors in my life(bad employees).
We own a business so life is stressful!
Well I immediately started MC alone, she refused to go(said she has wanted to go for years).
Few weeks go by with her being really bitter and resentful.
On week 4 she completely moves all hers and the kids stuff to her grandmothers house, files for divorce and bankruptcy. Grandmothers house is next to her parents, who have encouraged her to leave and provided her with all financial assistance.
Essentially enabling this type of behavior. Wife did go to marriage counselor 3 times, twice to berate me and once alone to tell counselor she was filing for d.
We have only had one face to face convo regarding our marriage during this 4 months and it was the divorce mainly. Now the stuff that has me confused.
She Always takes my calls and always answers my text.
When I do offer to do things to help with kids, wife says 'you never wanted to do that before'.
And that's basically her answer to most things.
With the exception of a 3 week span around xmas, she has been really cold and resentful.
When I do try to discuss our marriage with her, she says she doesn't want to keep re-hashing the past and can't have this stress in her life right now.
In person, her attitude is totally different, she is nice and almost timid, like she regrets her decision.
I feel she has limited face to face encounters for this reason. She states that she has to go thru with divorce to prove she is serious this time.
Really don't know what to do.
She basically up and walked away from everything.
Any chance of reconciling?
This woman is my world.
Please help
Me: 32 yo.
1st marriage
D:6
SS:10
Wife: 31 yo
2nd marriage
D:6
S:10
We were together 9 yrs, married 6.5.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
When I do try to discuss our marriage with her, she says she doesn't want to keep re-hashing the past and can't have this stress in her life right now.
STOP trying to have relationship talks.
Speak with ACTIONS not words.
Stop pursuing her.
Read DB/DR
Listen to Cadet. You can't convince your W to come back with your words.
What did you do to contribute to the death of your M? What do you want to change about yourself? This is the only thing you can control.
You are in a lot of pain but you are not alone. Do you have a support system in place to help you besides the MC?
Cadet, thanks for the advice.
I have started reading DR, on pg 60. I have backed off on the talks, only about kids. Just having a really hard time understanding her actions. She went from madly in love to filing for divorce, almost overnight. She is in the mindset that now that our whole relationship was terrible and make the comment 'you hurt me,you can't heal me'. I keep replaying our relationship in my head to see if there is any merit to her thinking. Is this just typical behavior for a WAW?
Is this just typical behavior for a WAW?
Yes
Take the parts that have merit and FIX those.
Make yourself into a person only a fool would leave.
Gordie....no real support system other than my parents. All friends were friends of hers bc I moved to where she grew up.
She sees the changes, just thinks they are temporary. I have to prove otherwise
She seems to be moving full steam ahead with divorce. I have been served and she says I should have the settlement proposal anytime. This could be a bluff as I haven't seen it yet.
I'm trying to be someone only a fool would leave....just can't offer a lot financially to her right now. When she left the business went way south, all money going to equipment payments now. Of course I can of feel apart as well, the business was a huge factor in her leaving. Maybe she knew by leaving, the business would fail and that if I changed too, we could have a stress free life moving forward!
I notice your W had another marriage and was divorced at 22. Do you have any insights into what happened then? Is this a pattern repeating or are there different circumstances?
Any idea if there is another man in the picture now?
In the meantime that W has been gone, what kind of 180s have you been doing? What kind of goals do you have for yourself?
the comment 'you hurt me,you can't heal me'.
This is true. What you can heal is yourself. What kinds of behaviors would you like to change going into your next relationship (whether it is a reconciliation or with another woman)?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
You wrote, "This woman is my world."
Im not questioning your faith but it worries me that you have revolved around her. Choose something else. Not a persom but work on spirituality.
After ur D, you most likely will cling on to another person and see them as your world.
Get to know yourself. Date yourself. What does JKR like? Build on ur GALs to help build ur self esteem.
I notice your W had another marriage and was divorced at 22. Do you have any insights into what happened then? Is this a pattern repeating or are there different circumstances?
[[ Pattern Repeating. She said, toward the end, that 'I was the same as her ex, only I made a lot more money'. Really close friends have told me in the past that she can't be made happy. ]]
Any idea if there is another man in the picture now? [[ she says NO]] although I'm 99% sure there was a EA possible PA for a few weeks right after she left. Same thing that happened in first marriage too.]]
Definitely didn't mean it that way. I'm a very independent person and I think that is part of why we are separated. I have been gone for a month at times with work and we might talk once a day. She is independent also, the difference is its like she always has something to prove. Almost a Napoleon complex. Can't take any criticizing, even constructive. She feels like everyone is out to get her. Even now, she thinks even the most thoughtful gesture on my part has an alterior motive.
I'm in the mindset of 'didn't realize what I had till I lost it'
Make any sense?
In the meantime that W has been gone, what kind of 180s have you been doing? What kind of goals do you have for yourself?
Honestly, everything she asked. Quit drinking. I am selling the business. Can't really spend more time with kids bc she doesn't want them at my house 'doesn't want to tell them what's going on bc she will have to deal with it daily' but I do try to. I have been communicating better. Literally everything she asked. It's like she comes up with more stuff everytime I accomplish something she wanted me to change. All she ever has tried to do was change me, and there wasn't that much to change. More so getting priorities in order, than changing on my part. Thinking back, she used to threaten divorce a lot when she was mad. It really bothered me how casually she thought of it. Maybe I'm a fool for wanting to be with her, but 90% of the time things were great. We were very compatible on all levels I felt. We had fun doing most anything.
Something else that might help understand her mental state is that she accepts ZERO responsibility for where we are.
Thoughts?
Wife ... said 'I will be back when you get your crap together'.
...
Any chance of reconciling?
This woman is my world.
The answer to your question is in your own post.
Man, I would pay a million bucks to be in your shoes.
If she is your world, MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH to get her back. Get your act together one thousand percent -- get all the help you can get from book, counselors, pastors, etc -- to become a great guy. She'll see it, and want you back.
It'll be the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life, but if you fail, then you get to do even a harder thing: a divorce. Do it man.... Wish you luck.
Forgump.......that's what she said the day she left. She has since filed for divorce. I agree, I have to give 1000 percent. And will.
Wife left 4 months ago and said 'I will be back when you get your crap together'.
(Her and a new found best friend left at the same time, and stayed together for 2 weeks at friends moms house.
I feel the friend convinced her to leave bc misery loves company.)
Were you aware your W was unhappy enough that a friend could influence her to leave you? Unfortunately, female "friends" can have a lot of negative influence, especially if there exists some issues in the MR......and/or the friend is S/D from
her H.
Grandmothers house is next to her parents, who have encouraged her to leave and provided her with all financial assistance. Essentially enabling this type of behavior.
Why did they have a problem with you?
In person, her attitude is totally different, she is nice and almost timid, like she regrets her decision.
I feel she has limited face to face encounters for this reason. She states that she has to go thru with divorce to prove she is serious this time.
This ^^^^^^ is why I question those who are influencing her. Unless she feels intimidated when face to face with you.....why a different tone? Does she have her supporters with her when face to face? I'll bet that makes a difference.
She has been cold and resentful. What about rage?
When I do offer to do things to help with kids, wife says 'you never wanted to do that before'.
She will probably speak in absolutes. You "always", you "never", etc.
In response to sandi2..
1) yes, but felt as I was generic. 'Help with kids more, be more involved, don't drink as much'. Kinda indirect and broad. Friend left at same time. They basically made each other's problems their own. Friend is morally casual at best, so you can kind of see where that went. Basically friend was what she wanted me to be, emotional support, help with the kids, going out on the town, etc.
2). Her parents are very conservative and opinionated. If you don't live as they live, it's wrong. Debt, drinking, owning a business, not helping with the kids enough, etc.
3)Fave to face is always just us two. It's like she is second guessing her decision to leave and file for divorce when we are in person, much nicer to me. On phone, yes, hateful, cold and with the right convo, rage!.
4.) is peaking in absolutes normal? What kind of mindset does that mean she is in?
From what I am reading in DR, I need to use LRT since she has left and filed....correct ?
In the meantime that W has been gone, what kind of 180s have you been doing? What kind of goals do you have for yourself?
Honestly, everything she asked.
1) Quit drinking.
2) I am selling the business.
3) I have been communicating better.
So, if I am correct, this is what you have actually DONE since she left. Im not exactly sure what communicating better means, but these seem like a start.
The problem is, you cant just 'do what she asked' or it will come off as fake and only because she asked you. So, theres no way she can trust that it's a 'new you'. I would advise to keep doing these.
But what about your own goals? She has given you the gift of time to mold yourself into a new and improved you. So what have been some of her historical complaints? What qualities can you identify in yourself that could use some work? What did you want to do that you couldnt due to your marriage?
Also, how about your GAL? What are you doing to get yourself a life?
To answer your question below, LRT is fine, but it isnt going to 'bring her back' on its own. You need to do the work above; otherwise, if she does win up coming back, everything will just revert back to 'status quo' and youll probably be right back here.
4.) is peaking in absolutes normal? What kind of mindset does that mean she is in?
At first glance, I'd say she is wayward and is being influenced by outside supporters. It is "normal" for a wayward wife to use absolutes, but then again......don't most women? I am saying not to get hung up on what she is saying. Good or bad, don't try to put certain meanings to what she says. Instead, watch her actions.
Yes, I recommend you use the LRT.
Ok...need some advice. Wife is coming to stay at my parents this weekend to attend my dads funeral. She is bringing our daughter as well. How should I handle? Keep my distance and show her I can make it without her or give her attention? Any advice will help.
Ok...need some advice. Wife is coming to stay at my parents this weekend to attend my dads funeral. She is bringing our daughter as well. How should I handle? Keep my distance and show her I can make it without her or give her attention? Any advice will help.
Hello jkr2023,
First, please accept my sincere condolences for the death of your dad.
Also, I'm so sorry for the situation you are in with your wife.
Do not have any relationship talks with your wife, don't bring it up at all. Focus on your family while honoring your dad's memory. Be friendly in a neighborly way with your wife. This weekend isn't about her.
It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you and your kids. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
This post with all these links is exactly what i've been looking for - thank you!
I just finished Divorce Remedy and have had 2 coaching sessions, in addition to all the other stuff i've been trying to do to save my marriage. I do feel the Last Resort Technique is sadly what i need to do.
This post with all these links is exactly what i've been looking for - thank you!
I just finished Divorce Remedy and have had 2 coaching sessions, in addition to all the other stuff i've been trying to do to save my marriage. I do feel the Last Resort Technique is sadly what i need to do.
When you get a chance I might suggest you start your own thread.
How to start a thread
I will use what Job wrote
First Click on Newcomers then:
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting. It's the same way that you created this thread.
Plus How to link your threads
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2588047#Post2588047
Again, so sorry for your loss. This is your time to grieve and help your daughter grieve as well.
Your wife is a guest just like everyone else. Appreciate her gesture to be with your family at this time but thats it.
If she shows you some sort of "hope," see it as a kind gesture as all the other guests are doing the same. Dont read into her actions.
Focus your attention on your daughter. This is also an opportunity to have her see you grieve in a healthy balanced way.
Ok, so we had my dads funeral today. WW came with kids. She was somewhat pleasant. She approached me with convo saying I don't need an attorney bc she isn't trying to take anything from me in the divorce. I politely said, can we please give it some time so you can see my changes. She says' have my mind made up and I can't trust you'. Well I know how to fix this one, do what I say I'm gonna do. And right before they left to go back home (2hrs away) she wanted to talk again. She said you haven't changed, your kids were upset and you didn't even console them. Well, I did, but I also had my mom to be there for. As the conversation progressed I said 'we have 9 yrs in this and we both still love each other' and she didn't deny. I said I'm in it for the long haul and am willing to put in the work to repair things, she says 'it takes 2, and I'm not willing to put forth the work any more'. I say' I just want you happy' and her response was 'why won't you just let me go then'. What should I do at this point???
I'm not a vet nor a success story yet nor a WW but when my w asked me to let her go. I told her yes, I'm letting you go. The truth is you can't control her and if she feels trapped she can't freely love. It has to be voluntary. Again, it may have been the wrong thing to say but I did say something along the lines of: I'm letting you go. I'm letting go of the M. I don't want you to feel trapped.
JKR - perhaps you did not write down all your feelings, but your father passed away (for which I am truly sorry, I can imagine that was extra painful among your R stuff). May I suggest you bereave that one first. You said she still loves you, ask her to chill on the D stuff for a couple weeks while you process your father. She should give you that if she still loves you.Let her go, not the children, make the changes for you.
You mentioned her not trusting you, bankruptcy, get your sh1t together, and something about beers on the weekend. Do you have a drinking problem? Do you have a spending problem? Have you cheated in the past? What is it about you that she no longer trusts or won't allow herself to trust? I don't think you have said that.
Ex. Me, my lady said she did not trust me a year ago when we split. Why - I was addicted to oxy. So her not trusting me was not really a surprise to me. Now, we are still not together, but she has verbalized her faith of trust back to me.How, my actions dude. Sustained and consistent behavior which betters YOU. That is the key to your own self. Others will notice - her the kids your mom.
So I would bet you told her you would stop doing something in the past or do it less and you told her more than once and didn't deliver...was it drinking, spending, ignoring?
So what is her trust issue
Need some advice on how to proceed.
I received the proposed divorce settlement in the mail yesterday. Spoke to STBXW and she wants me to sign quickly if I agree. I kind of panic because it seems more real than ever that this might be the end. I call her later in the evening and we talk for an hour. I explain I do care for her and say the things I have wanted to say since she left. Her response to most things was the same. 'When you have something good, you take care of it', 'you never helped with the kids', 'I am 10 times happier now' 'you always put work first' (she didn't work the last year), 'you were never nice to me', 'I tried everything I could to fix this', 'I tried to go to counseling for years' (yet she never made an appt.) 'the kids are fine without you, they are used to you being gone a lot' . And many more. When I finished spilling my heart to her she said'i just don't believe you'. 'why won't you just let me go' She was so happy 90% of the time we were married, always smiling and laughing. We spent lots of time together, even tho she doesn't think so. She has re-wrote our whole marriage to be completely negative, and I just don't understand. I only have a few days left before D is final. Any suggestions? Why is she acting this way....possible OM? Is there any hope of saving it?
She's cheating on you with the new best friend.
Wish I had a suggestion. I know its painful. Im facing a similar realizatiin that its over and i just need to focus on the next chapter of my life.
Most importantly, practice forgiveness and dont harbor resentment (i'm saying this to you and me).
My suggestion is to ensure that you are protecting yourself in the divorce agreement. That is first and foremost right now. I highly suggest you have an attorney review it.
You need to take a stand for yourself. You are the only one who can do it. Do not let her manipulate you. You cannot trust her.
I would fight to have shared custody and I would definitely have the attorney run the numbers on any spousal/child support. Knowledge is power.
Btw, she has her own set of problems that she needs to work on. This isn't all on you. Fix what is within your control. Of course after you see an attorney if you haven't already.
She's cheating on you with the new best friend.
The new best friend has went back to her husband. That's the crazy part.
So I should turn my attorney loose on hers and fight for what's right? I do feel like she is trying to manipulate me on to signing l, even tho I don't agree. I just don't want to ruin any future chances.
If you don't agree to the settlement then don't sign it. She wants you to rush but you have your own legal rights. Get a L and exercise them. This affects the rest of your life. Also, read and answer CT's questions above.
CT....to answer your questions:
I did start to drink a little more than I should have.....mostly situational
The spending is all business related for equipment purchases, she never could grasp being 1million or more in debt at all times. Which is understandable.
Never ever even thought about cheating, although she thinks I did when I was in Costa Rica earlier this year. (Some of the other guys hires escorts) I was on a totally different floor of he house and had no involvement whatsoever.
I really don't know what she doesn't trust other than that. I feel we had an above average relationship. We did argue some and she would metion relationship stuff when she was mad but that's it. I just saw it as nagging. Guess I was wrong on that one.
Still pushing hard on me signing settlement, feels like there is a reason for it. Maybe OM? Any ideas?
Still pushing hard on me signing settlement
There most definitely is a reason. She wants out.
Jeep74.....Thats not what I wanted to hear. So what should should I do at this point?
Have you consulted with your attorney to have the settlement reviewed?
I have, the settlement is very fair considering our assets. She basically wants nothing. Custody is fair also. I just can't understand why she wants out so bad. We really had a special thing, or so I thought. I think trying to understand it is what bothers me the most. It consumes my thoughts most days. I don't want it to be over
Glad you consulted with your attorney. There isn't a whole lot you can to stop her from moving forward at this point.
The only thing you can do, is continue working on yourself.
My W pushed hard for the sep agreement to be signed as well before she moved out.. My L said from his experience it is so that they can be more open with their OM relationship.. I did not want to believe this as well but it definitely has shown to be pretty true, from my current experience.. Your W if mimicking a lot of mine like I said over in my thread.. it [censored], especially that they just throw everything away like its nothing...
I wish there was more to say, at least with me my state has the mandatory 1 year period of separation before D... so I still have hope.. although its diminishing slowly each day.. The person my W is currently is not someone I want in my life.. if only she would return to her normal self or close to.. if not a more improved self from this..
W always says she just wants to get along and co-parent, yet she criticizes everything i try to do.She is usually rude and cold, or asks why?, when i ask her a question. IMhere, did your wife re-write your whole marital history too?
WAS = Marital History Revisionist. It is typical.
Glad you consulted with your attorney. There isn't a whole lot you can to stop her from moving forward at this point.
The only thing you can do, is continue working on yourself.
This can't be stressed enough. Remember, there are two roads - yours and hers. Hers has no room for you and she is on it herself. Yours can have room for her if you so choose, but know that she most likely won't ever travel it again. Possible? Of course. Likely? Doubtful.
Does this go away with time? I hope so because it's affecting my sanity and my business.
Not in my case, it hasn't.
Does this go away with time? I hope so because it's affecting my sanity and my business.
jkr...does what exactly go away with time? The WAS revising of history or being obsessed with the situation?
Sure it does. When you stop having M/R talks and you don't try to get her to see it from your perspective. Don't give her a reason to shoot you with nonsense. It will make it difficult to shoot an unarmed man. Otherwise, you will hear the most ridiculous things. Many of them won't even make any sense and you'll wonder WTH happened to her memory.
I agree with that. How do you recommend I proceed at this point. She is wanting me to sign settlement by Friday, or she is scheduling a temporary hearing. Which is fine. Should I just sign and get it over with, or not sign, and wait on hearing while I continue dbing?
I agree with that. How do you recommend I proceed at this point. She is wanting me to sign settlement by Friday, or she is scheduling a temporary hearing. Which is fine. Should I just sign and get it over with, or not sign, and wait on hearing while I continue dbing?
What are the pros and cons of signing vs going to a hearing? You mentioned that her proposal is fair. Is it possible that it might shift more to her favor if you go to a hearing?
You will continue to DB whether you sign the settle or not. The legal aspect is independent of you working on yourself or trying to save your M.
Signing would be giving her what she wants. I guess I'm having a hard time accepting that I will be divorced shortly after I sign it. Im probably just postponing the inevitable, short of a miracle. I don't want to give up, divorced or not.
"YOU did not break your wife and YOU can not FIX this or her.". I copied this from one of Cadets post on another thread. I bet my WAW has said that to me 10 times. Any reason she would say that....almost like she has been on here.
Signing would be giving her what she wants. I guess I'm having a hard time accepting that I will be divorced shortly after I sign it. Im probably just postponing the inevitable, short of a miracle. I don't want to give up, divorced or not.
You get to choose when to give up. For me, when I gave up is when my sitch shifted.
Curious to know how long is the D process in your state?
W always says she just wants to get along and co-parent, yet she criticizes everything i try to do.She is usually rude and cold, or asks why?, when i ask her a question. IMhere, did your wife re-write your whole marital history too?
Yes, and from what I've read from others it is typical behavior and reading from the script..
It can be done 31 days after filing, so in my case 31 days after I sign settlement.
Signing would be giving her what she wants. I guess I'm having a hard time accepting that I will be divorced shortly after I sign it. Im probably just postponing the inevitable, short of a miracle. I don't want to give up, divorced or not.
You don't ever have to give up, but you do need to protect yourself. Do you have a lawyer? Protect yourself, my friend. The reason I say this is that they will play nice and then come out swinging. Ask me how I know this.
You don't have to give up...but you do need to have realistic views.
I just can't understand why she wants out so bad.
Because there is someone else. I'd bet a paycheck on it. It's all too textbook wayward spouse.
Because there is someone else. I'd bet a paycheck on it. It's all too textbook wayward spouse.
True, hate to tell you. My W is secretly seeing someone already so I know she wishes to rush things in order to date the OM openly.
True, hate to tell you. My W is secretly seeing someone already so I know she wishes to rush things in order to date the OM openly
That's pretty much when I threw in the towel. As Dawn70 said, I have too much pride and self-respect to take someone back who cheated on me and lied over and over about it, and then tried to make me look like the bad guy in the whole thing.
So what did I do if that's he case? Bring it up in court to better my position? Or just let it go and be done? This is her second marriage, same thing happened in the first. I feel like I should stand up to her (in court), let her have to face the facts and realize what she is doing. I think it be a continuous cycle if I don't stand up to her. And I don't want that for my daughter. Thoughts?
We spoke earlier this morning because daughter is sick. She wanted to talk about settlement. I discussed the few small things I had a problem with and she blew up, of course. I proceeded to talk to her about filing our personal tax returns this year, and she told me " your just trying to leach money off me" because you know I will get a return of i don't file with you! She didn't even work in 2016!!! She kept the books for my business. Unbelievable! Then she proceeded to tell me that's was trying to manipulate her and 'sneak' something in on settlement. I simply asked to have the way a few things that were worded incorrectly, changed. She thinks everything I do has a manipulative motive, anyone dealt with this before?
So what did I do if that's he case? Bring it up in court to better my position? Or just let it go and be done? This is her second marriage, same thing happened in the first. I feel like I should stand up to her (in court), let her have to face the facts and realize what she is doing. I think it be a continuous cycle if I don't stand up to her. And I don't want that for my daughter. Thoughts?
That would a question you take to your lawyer. Wait, she had an affair in her first marriage? Good grief if that's the case. You need to do some serious soul-searching as a leopard can't change its spots.
She thinks everything I do has a manipulative motive, anyone dealt with this before?
There is a reason she is doing this - and that is to have you give in to her and her wants.
She thinks everything I do has a manipulative motive, anyone dealt with this before?
jkr2023,
Yes, that's all part of the script. I think it's projection; she's thinking of ways that she can get everything that she can from you, so she's assuming you're in the same state of mind. It'll probably get a lot crazier.
She thinks everything I do has a manipulative motive, anyone dealt with this before?
Describes my WW exactly. Nothing you can say will persuade them otherwise. I suspect it is a lot of projection on their behalf. They are so used to lying and manipulating that they project that onto us.
They just 'know' we are lying, and trying to screw them over. They 'know' this. Their gut tells them this - my WW's words.
She thinks everything I do has a manipulative motive, anyone dealt with this before?
Yup. The moment I told my W that the arrangement with the kids is unfair she exploding saying so many things that were just untrue. However, I stood my ground and didn't care what she had to say. At the time of all this I still wanted her back, but needed to be firm in looking out for my rights. She told me that I was just being selfish and not thinking about the children.
They will turn on you and even though you do not want this you still need to look out for your best interests.
They will turn on you and even though you do not want this you still need to look out for your best interests
^This. Think of a cobra in a wolf's in a sheep's clothing.
Affair after separation, same as with me.
I'd suggest just letting your attorney deal with the legal portion of it. Let her know you are done discussing the settlement and your attorney will be handling it going forward.
I'd suggest just letting your attorney deal with the legal portion of it. Let her know you are done discussing the settlement and your attorney will be handling it going forward.
Exactly! She may not like it, but this is something that she wants not you. She will have to deal with it.
Exactly! She may not like it, but this is something that she wants not you. She will have to deal with it.
Mine went ballistic. Even though she contacted one first and had her settlement sent to me. She thought I was just going to roll over...
Mine went ballistic. Even though she contacted one first and had her settlement sent to me. She thought I was just going to roll over...
Right! Mine tried telling me how the schedule for the kids was going to go...even including holidays?? She also had a $ amount on how much to buy her out along with everything already separated (possessions and what bills we would continue to pay). Then got SO upset when I disagreed with all of her demands. I told her the same thing in regards to not just rolling over and letting her get away with everything.
Right! Mine tried telling me how the schedule for the kids was going to go...even including holidays?? She also had a $ amount on how much to buy her out along with everything already separated (possessions and what bills we would continue to pay). Then got SO upset when I disagreed with all of her demands. I told her the same thing in regards to not just rolling over and letting her get away with everything.
Oh man. Mine tried that how it was going to be with kids, too. Until my lawyer tore her a new one. I'd give her responses but that would be a little to revealing, on here at least. Let's just say my lawyer laughed about that one...
Oh man. Mine tried that how it was going to be with kids, too. Until my lawyer tore her a new one. I'd give her responses but that would be a little to revealing, on here at least. Let's just say my lawyer laughed about that one...
Ya, I think a lot of it is because mine is an only child so she has that "spoiled" mentality. However, my L don't give a crap about what she wants and laughed his a** off too when I told him all of her demands. I'm still being civil, but its crazy who they become!!
its crazy who they become
Understatement of the year!!!
Wow!.....so it actually gets worse. I didn't think that was possible. Going on call with my attorney now. Have updates shortly.
We'll talk with attorney didn't go as planned. She told me that what WW was offering was a smoking deal. So I guess I will sign it. How did you guys get the closure of feeling like your side of the story was heard and that you were not the problem? I'm not from the area where we resided so I feel like everyone took her side? They don't realize that she is a WW. Not yet anyways.
And honestly I didn't come to this realization until my divorce attorney slapped me in the face with it about 3 hours ago. She told me to quit dragging my feet, get in touch with the reality of the situation, and move forward. She said the one thing I CAN guarantee you is that WW will get a divorce from me, no matter how long I stall, beg, plead, etc. if that's what she wants, then the judge will grant it. Listen to the guys on here, they know what they are talking about. You are gonna drive yourself crazy, I know I did. I feel like a huge weight is off of my shoulders now, I have felt more normal in the last 3 hours than I have in the last 5 months. Take the butterfly reference to heart. Accept, let go, and be the best you can be. What's meant to be will be. Accepting the reality will be the biggest relief ou have felt in some time, I promise. It's tough, but you can do it.
Accepting the situation for what it is, is gold. I'd suggest signing the settlement. No arguing with her or trying to convince her to come back. And of course have strong boundaries.
When you accept and let go, it gives you the freedom to navigate your own life more freely. You might begin to see a shift in your sitch.
Please continue to post so we can provide our support.
We'll talk with attorney didn't go as planned. She told me that what WW was offering was a smoking deal. So I guess I will sign it. How did you guys get the closure of feeling like your side of the story was heard and that you were not the problem? I'm not from the area where we resided so I feel like everyone took her side? They don't realize that she is a WW. Not yet anyways.
I'd be interested in seeing why the atty said her deal was so great. JKR, you never will find the closure you are looking for...that's one of things you will just have to accept. I say that because they will never give a straight answer that hasn't been twisted to fit their perceived history.
You are on her turf and everyone will take her side. Period. Now the question remains, do you want to carpet bomb them or just do a few surgical strikes with the info you have? I am sitting on a sh*t ton of info I could send if I wanted to but haven't yet. Even though her family and friends are taking small potshots at me, I haven't felt the need to lay waste. However, I told the ex after the most recent attack by her mom that if it happens again that the strikes will begin...not a peep since.
Its up to you. A person can only take so much...and a person has a right to defend themselves and their name. Quite honestly, they don't think twice about saying stuff that could potentially be damaging to ones self or career. Release what you have to when you have to.
xxx a month child support and xxx cash. That's all she wants. Joint legal and her primary physical custody, me with visitation whenever I want. I own a construction business that does millions a year in business. She could have asked for 10times that.
Wow. That is not bad.
Why is she getting physical primary? Be careful on that visitation...she will find ways to change it.
You are on her turf and everyone will take her side. Period. Now the question remains, do you want to carpet bomb them or just do a few surgical strikes with the info you have? I am sitting on a sh*t ton of info I could send if I wanted to but haven't yet. Even though her family and friends are taking small potshots at me, I haven't felt the need to lay waste. However, I told the ex after the most recent attack by her mom that if it happens again that the strikes will begin...not a peep since.
Its up to you. A person can only take so much...and a person has a right to defend themselves and their name. Quite honestly, they don't think twice about saying stuff that could potentially be damaging to ones self or career. Release what you have to when you have to.
I disagree with Jeep here. You can choose to remove yourself from the drama or you can fan the flames. If you fan the flames, you will help her justify her decision. If you remove yourself from her drama, it will help your sanity.
Also, it isn't your job to teach her lessons. Life has a way of doing it on its own. That is some profound wisdom often posted by 25yearmlc.
Also, it isn't your job to teach her lessons. Life has a way of doing it on its own. That is some profound wisdom often posted by 25yearmlc.
That is true, but at what point do you stop being a target? I actually have zero f**** to give to my W so I really don't care what she says anymore to friends and family. However, I'm certain that everyone has their breaking point and will want to defend themselves at some point. For me, I'm just waiting for Karma to bite her in the a**. No need for me to do it because someday it will all come back on her.
I disagree with Jeep here. You can choose to remove yourself from the drama or you can fan the flames. If you fan the flames, you will help her justify her decision. If you remove yourself from her drama, it will help your sanity
With the exceptions, of course, of when what is being said/done directly affects you, your family, your work, etc. Sometimes you have to step up and send one downrange.
What I disagreed with was a pretty broad statement, so help me understand where that applies to JKR's sitch and how it helps him.
She thinks everything I do has a manipulative motive, anyone dealt with this before?
Describes my WW exactly. Nothing you can say will persuade them otherwise. I suspect it is a lot of projection on their behalf. They are so used to lying and manipulating that they project that onto us.
They just 'know' we are lying, and trying to screw them over. They 'know' this. Their gut tells them this - my WW's words.
On the rare occasion that my W has insinuated that I was not telling the truth, I have looked her straight in the eye and calmly and slowly said, "I have NEVER been untruthful to you." This is the truth and she knows it and then she breaks down in tears.
Just bc of my work schedule mainly. I tried for joint, but didn't want to rock the boat too much. She did the majority of the taking care of D anyways.
It may very well not, and in his case he stated it wasn't so it doesn't apply to him. But in others, yes...especially if statements were to affect what I stated. I may have been wrong in my statement, sure. Just sometimes there are no other options.
I tried for joint, but didn't want to rock the boat too much
Just remember that it can come back to haunt you later.
xxx a month child support and xxx cash. That's all she wants. Joint legal and her primary physical custody, me with visitation whenever I want. I own a construction business that does millions a year in business. She could have asked for 10times that.
I would never put what you said above out on a public forum. If anyone in real life suspects this might be you, it could come back to bite you BIG TIME. I would see if a MOD could delete this comment for you. Just my opinion.
would never put what you said above out on a public forum. If anyone in real life suspects this might be you, it could come back to bite you BIG TIME. I would see if a MOD could delete this comment for you. Just my opinion.
Damn, I don't know why I didn't think of it. Truth.
It may very well not, and in his case he stated it wasn't so it doesn't apply to him. But in others, yes...especially if statements were to affect what I stated. I may have been wrong in my statement, sure. Just sometimes there are no other options.
Appreciate the reply. I wanted to know if I was missing something and I wanted to see things from your perspective.
Appreciate the reply. I wanted to know if I was missing something and I wanted to see things from your perspective.
Always.
In my case, I may very well need to. The ex and her family have not only been slinging it pretty good, they are also up to something concerning the kids. A little birdy told me that...
In my case, I may very well need to. The ex and her family have not only been slinging it pretty good, they are also up to something concerning the kids. A little birdy told me that...
I also have very damaging stuff that could potentially hurt my W's career and status with her family. I'm not even sure I would use it at this point anymore. She has said so many negative things to friends and family members that I really don't care anymore. However, we will be starting court soon and if she tries to drag my name under the mud in regards to being a bad father then I may just have to play dirty myself. I really don't want to, but when it comes to my kids don't mess with me. She has stated over and over that she will be civil for their sake, but I know how these things go and when we finally stand before the judge I'm sure all bets will be off. I'm just waiting to see for now. It is horrible how they act and who they become. They can sit there, with a smile on their face, and say these things about the ppl they once loved. Such a shame....
xxx a month child support and xxx cash. That's all she wants. Joint legal and her primary physical custody, me with visitation whenever I want. I own a construction business that does millions a year in business. She could have asked for 10times that.
I would never put what you said above out on a public forum. If anyone in real life suspects this might be you, it could come back to bite you BIG TIME. I would see if a MOD could delete this comment for you. Just my opinion.
I agree.....Cadet, can you help me on this one?
Edit - see how that is - and please start a new thread
also have very damaging stuff that could potentially hurt my W's career and status with her family. I'm not even sure I would use it at this point anymore. She has said so many negative things to friends and family members that I really don't care anymore. However, we will be starting court soon and if she tries to drag my name under the mud in regards to being a bad father then I may just have to play dirty myself. I really don't want to, but when it comes to my kids don't mess with me. She has stated over and over that she will be civil for their sake, but I know how these things go and when we finally stand before the judge I'm sure all bets will be off. I'm just waiting to see for now. It is horrible how they act and who they become. They can sit there, with a smile on their face, and say these things about the ppl they once loved. Such a shame....
All I have to do is hit send and it will end her career. Just be prepared for her to come out swinging. Mine said she was going to be civil and then came out like mighty Casey at bat.
Man, don't even try to figure them out. That ship has sailed. I never in a million years though that someone who loved me and supported me would turn around and do the things she's done and said. Dang.
I also have very damaging stuff that could potentially hurt my W's career and status with her family. I'm not even sure I would use it at this point anymore. She has said so many negative things to friends and family members that I really don't care anymore. However, we will be starting court soon and if she tries to drag my name under the mud in regards to being a bad father then I may just have to play dirty myself. I really don't want to, but when it comes to my kids don't mess with me. She has stated over and over that she will be civil for their sake, but I know how these things go and when we finally stand before the judge I'm sure all bets will be off. I'm just waiting to see for now. It is horrible how they act and who they become. They can sit there, with a smile on their face, and say these things about the ppl they once loved. Such a shame....
It is one thing to defend yourself in court. Outside of court, is another. It just keeps you on the roller coaster with her.
If you want to stop being a target, don't give her ammo.
JKR....we've hijacked your thread and pushed it over 100. What is it that you want to do going forward?
Yes, you need to start a new thread.