My story:
My W and I have been together 17years, 2 kids D10, S15. (Not married traditionally, which you will see is an area of contention for her, but we've always called ourselves H and W). She's 36, I'm 48. As you can see we got together very young. Through the years we've had our ups and downs, always financially strapped. She's Edna water and makes really good money. I've always made money (own my own business) but never the kind she has. She takes care of the bills, I've always kind of been responsible for the entertainment money, movies, going out to eat, vacation, big purchases, shopping, etc
Anyhoo, in the last 2 years she lost her job and we went on a 4 month long period living on credit. She eventually found a job, out of state and things seemed to be looking up.
We moved north and settled into our new home.
But the strain of the previous lost job and financial instability we encountered was too much for her. We moved to a place that, at first didn't seem to be compatible to my work and for a while I just stayed home and took care of the kids.
And this is when things started to come to the surface.
She told me she was not happy. I wasn't contributing, she was not happy about never having gotten married, and that it seemed like it was too late.
This coincided with me getting angry at her for partying too much on trips she was taking for work.
One trip I hung up on her after she told me she was once again going out with work ppl. I've always been a jealous guy.
She never called me back that night and my anger brought everything to a head.
She began to tell me what she needed from me, freedom, she needed me to get to work and contribute, but most of all she needed space.
I immeadiately got to work, started making good money. She told me I was doing great and that everything was ok.
Then after another work trip (I discovered she was not where she said she was and that she had been having conversations/telephone with a colleague who she sees on these trips) it all came boiling to the top. She told me he was nothing, just a friend that gossiped with her and that she didn't see him in the way I'm thinking.
Right before Xmas we had a talk and she requested space. No touching, no ML, no foot massages. I could sleep in the same bed but no touching. She LMBNILWM. All the typical MLC things a person would say. No passion and she didn't think it was gonna come back. That she had seen the changes I had been making but they were doing nothing for her.
We did get eachother Xmas presents but it was a sad day.
Since then she has taken her new independence to great levels. She works all day and then goes to the gym and works out like crazy, she shops ALOT, she listens to her headphones constantly while she's here at home, a lot of times she will just escape to her bedroom and close the door and just do her thing.
At first she spent time with kids(and me actually). She would take the D shopping, to do their hair or nails. But now she takes the weekend days for herself. She leaves to shop or get a massage or goes to her job to get work done.
I've made some begginer mistakes: getting friends involved, talking about the R, saying things I don't mean, prying and being nosey and confronting her.
She's currently on a trip and what's the first thing I do? I check her phone calls. Sure enough she's talked to this guy. She said she had to call him for work. Her reaction was "I just got here and already your doing the same stuff".
I can't help myself, it's almost like I'm addicted to the hurt of finding out her lies.
What makes my situation really difficult is that we're 4000 miles away from home and I can't leave or detach the way ppl here say you should. First even if I could I wouldn't want to leave my kids. I love them so much. I'm like the mother and father in their lives. I do everything for them. They're my life. Secondly I'm not financially capable of leaving.
I have to stay here.
My D and I currently sleep together, she's my rock. She knows things are bad and just wants to hug me all the time. I know that may sound weird to some but we are very very close. My Son and I are just as close. It's like my kids and I are the family and W is just someone who lives here that comes and goes.
I've tried to DB somewhat. I've always been a heavy guy, while she's incredibly beautiful and in shape. I've lost about 44 pounds, I'm currently at 258. I've worked hard and made major contributions to our finances. My S recently broke his collarbone and I've been taking care off him 24/7 ( while she disappears, only rarely calling to check on him).
But I take huge steps backwards when I confront her or ask questions or talk about the R.
So I can't leave, we have no physical contact, she rarely texts or calls me (I make sure to never text or call first), she gets to do whatever while I'm stuck here.
If I go dark, she goes dark. If I act cheery she's acts cheery.. if she texts or calls and I'm short with her she will stop communication.
I'm hurting and scared because the things I've read on here seem not to work with her.
I'm of the impression that if I show her kindness and that this home can be a place of happiness then maybe, when she's ready, she will see that this is where she belongs.
Because I can't leave and really show detachment does the above seem like an option to you guys?
I'll end here as I know this has been a long post. I've been lurking here for a little while and I've read so many great posts from so many good hearted ppl. I hope you will accept me into your community.
I can see mountains out my window and one in particular speaks to me. I want to be that mountain, I want to survive this test for my family and for my W, whom I love with all my heart. No maatter what I may have to suffer at her hands I will always love and want her. I'm ready to hear your advice, criticism, kind or bad words or whatever you have to offer me.
Thanks for reading.
Alaska8
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Alaska8
I'm a newbie as well, but I just wanted to reach out to say I'm so sorry for your pain. I cried when I read your post. I understand your pain too well. It's a nightmare from which you can't wake up.
I don't feel I can offer any advice because I feel completely lost as well.
I don't know if you believe in God, but I do, and have found that when the pain gets too unbearable, I speak to Him and say I can't take it anymore, and I trust whatever happens in meant to happen, and I trust everything will be ok in the end. I believe it will be. It won't, can't be like this forever. We're walking in the middle of the storm now - eventually it will have to blow over. I think, I hope, I pray.
One day at a time. Let's just get through today together.
Alaska,
I'm so sorry for your suffering. I'm also new, but the best advice I've used so far is to do whatever you can to calm the storm within. The first thing I totally agree with 2016sux - get in touch with your spiritual side and pray, talk to God. You will find comfort for sure.
The second thing is to stop checking up on your wife. It will destroy your spirit. You need to be strong for yourself and your children. Stop focusing on what your W is doing and be present for your children (sounds like you are and such a wonderful father to them) and work on things that improve you or bring you joy (I know that's hard to see right now).
I know you feel trapped, stuck, panicked and helpless. But if you try to pause, slow the spinning in your head and pray you will start to feel steadier if not calmer. Then you can figure out the next step and best approach for your situation. If you're cheery and you observe that is what elicits the same in your wife, continue to do that. But I think you have to be calm with a clear head first to figure out and observe the results of your approach. It's day to day, hour to hour work. As 2016sux says, one day at a time.
Hugs, Alaska.
If I go dark, she goes dark. If I act cheery she's acts cheery.. if she texts or calls and I'm short with her she will stop communication.
I'm hurting and scared because the things I've read on here seem not to work with her.
Im kind of confused by this. What do you mean "the things dont work on her." Going dark isnt by itself going to change her mind. The point of going dark is to get you to stop pursuing her so that you can do other things. Not to mention, this isnt a quick fix. You dont stop calling for a day or a week and see her immediately come running back.
Heres a question - how did YOU feel while you were 'dark'?
Because I can't leave and really show detachment does the above seem like an option to you guys?
Why do you have to leave to show detachment? What are you defining to be detachment?
Welcome, and keep posting!
The second thing is to stop checking up on your wife. It will destroy your spirit. You need to be strong for yourself and your children. Stop focusing on what your W is doing and be present for your children (sounds like you are and such a wonderful father to them) and work on things that improve you or bring you joy (I know that's hard to see right now).
Alaska, this is some great advice. Unfortunately, your wife is on her own path and it doesn't include you. Focusing on her and what she is doing is one sure way to drive her even further away. I've been there. It also brings you nothing but pain. Your children are going to need you to be the absolute rock for them. I know you've read many things on here that say the same thing - its said for a reason. Granted, its much much easier said than done, but the simple fact is now this time is all about you and getting yourself to a place where life is without her. Whether she comes back or not, you need to get there. A much stronger, self-supportive you is much more attractive than one who is not. Not saying that will bring her back, only she knows what will. But you need to adopt the mindset as if she doesn't exist. Take changing yourself, for example - if you do it in hopes of regaining her affection, then that is the wrong reason and will lead to nothing but resentment. This time is about you and your children. Use it wisely.
***My W and I have been together 17years, 2 kids D10, S15. (Not married traditionally, which you will see is an area of contention for her, but we've always called ourselves H and W).***
Why didn't you ever get married?
***She's 36, I'm 48. As you can see we got together very young.***
Perfect time to re-evaluate her life and have a MLC.
***Through the years we've had our ups and downs, always financially strapped. She's Edna water and makes really good money. I've always made money (own my own business) but never the kind she has. She takes care of the bills, I've always kind of been responsible for the entertainment money, movies, going out to eat, vacation, big purchases, shopping, etc
Anyhoo, in the last 2 years she lost her job and we went on a 4 month long period living on credit. She eventually found a job, out of state and things seemed to be looking up.
We moved north and settled into our new home.
But the strain of the previous lost job and financial instability we encountered was too much for her. We moved to a place that, at first didn't seem to be compatible to my work and for a while I just stayed home and took care of the kids.
And this is when things started to come to the surface.
She told me she was not happy. I wasn't contributing, she was not happy about never having gotten married, and that it seemed like it was too late.***
Too late for what?
***This coincided with me getting angry at her for partying too much on trips she was taking for work.
One trip I hung up on her after she told me she was once again going out with work ppl. I've always been a jealous guy.
She never called me back that night and my anger brought everything to a head.
She began to tell me what she needed from me, freedom, she needed me to get to work and contribute, but most of all she needed space.
I immeadiately got to work, started making good money. She told me I was doing great and that everything was ok.
Then after another work trip (I discovered she was not where she said she was and that she had been having conversations/telephone with a colleague who she sees on these trips) it all came boiling to the top. She told me he was nothing, just a friend that gossiped with her and that she didn't see him in the way I'm thinking.***
So you suspect an EA or a PA?
***Right before Xmas we had a talk and she requested space. No touching, no ML, no foot massages. I could sleep in the same bed but no touching. She LMBNILWM. All the typical MLC things a person would say. No passion and she didn't think it was gonna come back. That she had seen the changes I had been making but they were doing nothing for her.
We did get eachother Xmas presents but it was a sad day.***
Welcome to the sad Christmas club.
***Since then she has taken her new independence to great levels. She works all day and then goes to the gym and works out like crazy, she shops ALOT,***
Sounds like MLC?
***she listens to her headphones constantly while she's here at home, a lot of times she will just escape to her bedroom and close the door and just do her thing.***
Rude, but common.
***At first she spent time with kids(and me actually). She would take the D shopping, to do their hair or nails. But now she takes the weekend days for herself. She leaves to shop or get a massage or goes to her job to get work done.***
Again, common.
***I've made some begginer mistakes: getting friends involved, talking about the R, saying things I don't mean, prying and being nosey and confronting her.
She's currently on a trip and what's the first thing I do? I check her phone calls. Sure enough she's talked to this guy. She said she had to call him for work. Her reaction was "I just got here and already your doing the same stuff".
I can't help myself, it's almost like I'm addicted to the hurt of finding out her lies.***
Good that you recognize these mistakes; better if you can stop doing them!
***What makes my situation really difficult is that we're 4000 miles away from home and I can't leave or detach the way ppl here say you should.***
Why not?
***First even if I could I wouldn't want to leave my kids. I love them so much. I'm like the mother and father in their lives. I do everything for them. They're my life. Secondly I'm not financially capable of leaving.
I have to stay here.My D and I currently sleep together, she's my rock. She knows things are bad and just wants to hug me all the time. I know that may sound weird to some but we are very very close. My Son and I are just as close.***
Who suggested leaving your kids?
***It's like my kids and I are the family and W is just someone who lives here that comes and goes.
I've tried to DB somewhat.***
What have you tried? What has worked? What hasn't worked? Have you read the books? Are you following the steps? What are your goals?
***I've always been a heavy guy, while she's incredibly beautiful and in shape. I've lost about 44 pounds, I'm currently at 258.***
Congratulations and keep getting healthy...for you!
***I've worked hard and made major contributions to our finances. My S recently broke his collarbone and I've been taking care off him 24/7 ( while she disappears, only rarely calling to check on him).***
Good for you!
***But I take huge steps backwards when I confront her or ask questions or talk about the R.***
You identified three things that aren't working. Stop doing those things.
***So I can't leave, we have no physical contact, she rarely texts or calls me (I make sure to never text or call first), she gets to do whatever while I'm stuck here.***
Stop the pity party. You aren't stuck there...you get to be with a real parent to your kids.
***If I go dark, she goes dark. If I act cheery she's acts cheery..***
So being cheery helps? Keep doing that.
***if she texts or calls and I'm short with her she will stop communication.
I'm hurting and scared because the things I've read on here seem not to work with her.***
What things? What doesn't work with her?
***I'm of the impression that if I show her kindness and that this home can be a place of happiness then maybe, when she's ready, she will see that this is where she belongs.***
Maybe
***Because I can't leave and really show detachment does the above seem like an option to you guys?***
Why do you think you have to leave to show detachment?
***I'll end here as I know this has been a long post. I've been lurking here for a little while and I've read so many great posts from so many good hearted ppl. I hope you will accept me into your community.
I can see mountains out my window and one in particular speaks to me. I want to be that mountain, I want to survive this test for my family and for my W, whom I love with all my heart. No maatter what I may have to suffer at her hands I will always love and want her. I'm ready to hear your advice, criticism, kind or bad words or whatever you have to offer me.
Thanks for reading.
Alaska8***
Welcome to the club and keep posting.
Hello Alaska8,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Don't beat yourself up regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them. You are also noticing what helps. Do more of what helps and less of what doesn't. Focus all of your time, effort and energy into being the best Alaska8 and Dad.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
2016sux,
It's so hard isn't it? This pain is like nothing ive everr felt before.
But you're right. It's one day at a time. It's fighting all the urges to make the common mistakes. It's focusing on what's good. Hour by hour, day by day.
Just stay focused.
Thanks for your kind words.
AK8
100383,
I think that's good advice.. to stop prying and let her be. It's so hard though.
I have to literally talk myself out of it. But I will do my
Best from here on out. She's away on a trip now and won't be back till
Next Wednesday. I'm angry and depressed right now cause I know she's probably with
OM, but she won't call or text so that gives me some time to calm down and
Restablish myself.
Gonna concentrate on my kids, go to the gym, work and try to take the kids out to the movies or something.
I feel right now, although I know her cheating is just a symptom of her MLC, like how could she do this? It's just not her? It's all just so unbelievable to me.
I'm so glad I found you guys. Whatever happens, y'all are gonna make this a lot easier.
Thanks for the hugs!
AK8
although I know her cheating is just a symptom of her MLC, like how could she do this? It's just not her? It's all just so unbelievable to me
Sometimes it is a symptom of a MLC and sometimes it isn't. This could have been coming for a long time. Maybe yours has something deeper like mine did, which wasn't a MLC. Whether it is or isn't is irrelevant as it won't change the inevitable outcome. Don't concentrate on WHY she cheated, as it will only drive you crazy. Ask me how I know. You won't ever find the reason, no matter how hard you look or what you read. Sure, some do it because of a MLC...and some do it simply because they don't care. Nothing more, nothing less.
This is your time now. I have found that the gym heals all sorts of things. Exercise is the best antidepressant there is. Godspeed, my friend.
Jeep74
Thanks for your insight.
Her main concern or desire that she expressed to me is that she wants her independence. And that the passion or love is gone from her and she's not sure it will ever come back. Whatever the reason for her cheating, and I'm not positive she is, you're right, it doesn't matter.
I have to do things for myself. I've began to plan out my detachment in a way I hadn't before. Not with the intent to spark change in her but to do it for my future betterment whatever happens.
I know now that's the best path for me.
Thanks buddy, appreciate the time you took to give your advice.
Stay strong
AK8
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Gordie.
Thank you for the effort and time you took to respond to my post and thoughtfully pose these questions. I was really nervous/anxious about posting my story, but I somehow knew it would be therapeutic and helpful to my sitch and well being. I'm glad for your directness and concern.
1. I guess I never thought I had the capability financially to get married. I have a ton of debt, and I always thought that would destroy our credit and it always seemed when I did have the money we needed it for more important things. I wish we had gotten married, but I don't think now it would've made a difference to her going through MLC. Her dad aboned her family when she was very young and is one of the most cold ppl you ever want to meet. I think she suffers from that abandonment and this in part is where her MLC stems from. If we can make it through this and get back our R, marriage will mean so much more. My D and S have my last name and I know it's important to her that she share that name, at least it was before the MLC. Hopefully one day we can share that.
2: too late as in too late to reconnect, get married or be together. At this point, the day before Xmas, it was BD in my opinion. ILYBINILWY, no passion anymore, not sure it's gonna come back, doesnt want any physical contact, basically expressed her need for in-house Seperation.
3. I do suspect an EA. its hard for me to believe she's having a PA and she thoroughly denies she's having either. I'm going to go about my plan to detach under the impression she's is having at least an EA. I think that's the best way to protect myself.
4. I don't know... it seems like in-house separation is looked upon in this forum like a sitch with no positive outcome. From what I've read on here it doesn't work unless you can totally remove yourself from their presence. As much as I can detach I see her every day. She wants to tell me about her work, she wants to eat dinner together, she wants to do family things like movies and dinner, etc.. But that's after she does her thing like go to the gym or after she gets back from her trips.. is this cake eating?
5. No one has suggested leaving my kids. In fact she says I don't have to leave, that that's not what she wants me to do. I think this comes from her fear that if I left the kids would want to come with me (because they most certainly would want to). She says she doesn't want to do that to the kids. But also, in her mind, if I left and the kids stayed (only because I don't have the financial capability to take them with me) she would not be capable of taking care of them on her own.
6. I have not bought the books yet. The only plan I have or steps I have taken have been to work out religiously and change my health and appearance. I always shower and put on cologne after the gym. I always have my hair nice and I'm always clean shaven now and dressed good.
I'm also confused concentrations on my kids and showing them as much love as possible.
I respect her physical boundaries she has set. No touching, sleeping together, no sex (obviously).
I don't call or text her first ever.
I don't initiate conversation, but I do try to practice validation by looking her in the eye when she speaks to me and say validating things like "I know you will do a great job" or "your track record shows only positive outcomes" etc...
I always try to end the conversation or not respond to her last text. (Sandies rule?) I'm not sure if this works for her yet. When she sees I'm not texting back the texting will stop.
I try to go to the gym when I know she'll be here. I'm gonna go anyway I might as well make it during a time when it will show her I'm being independent. (This is a 180 as I would never have done tha at before, actually before her MLC she would get pissed if I were to leave while she was home!)
I'm working hard to make as much money as possible. She's always been a very money conscious person. This is a 180 for me as I've never viewed money that way. I guess I've never been hard working or real ambitious. Ive had my own business for more than 15+ years but I've never made a ton of money. BUT, I never ever ever ever spend on myself. Ive always spent all my money on her or my kids. I'm trying to save money now, which is also a 180.
My goals:
I need to try my hardest to control my emotions.
I need to stop asking R questions.
I need to not concern myself with what she's doing or where she's going.
I need to give as much space as possible.
I need to stop prying for my emotional health.
I need to start making plans tonight leave it and when it's necessary.
I could probably stay here as long as I wanted to. Time is on my side.
I'm just not sure to what level of detachment I want to aspire.
It seems when I go dark she goes dark.
But I haven't given the detachment I've done enough time to really judge the results.
I'm going to concentrate on that most of all.
Again thanks for the lengthy thoughtful reply Gordie.
Hope you stay with me through this. You seem to be knowledgeable and
Straightforward.
Thank you
AK8
Her main concern or desire that she expressed to me is that she wants her independence. And that the passion or love is gone from her and she's not sure it will ever come back.
Alaska...I will tell you that this seems to be a common thread with many of the man that have posted on here. Our wives have this fantasy that love/passion is out there waiting for them like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. My W said the same thing to me...we are best friends & roommates...I need more passion. That is a crock of $&!^. There is no excuse for cheating...either physical or emotional is wrong. They are totally confused individuals. Maybe they will come out of it...maybe they won't.
Not with the intent to spark change in her but to do it for my future betterment whatever happens.
Excellent mindset, my friend.
Unfortunately, they often have the mindset that once passion/love is "gone" (in their minds) that it will never return. Sometimes it can, and sometimes it can't. I've seen all to often the self-fulfilling prophecy come true. All you have now is your path. And I do feel you are on the best one for you. Fair winds and following seas, my friend.
SBJ,
I like the lighthouse story a lot. It's hard to reconcile that perspective and going dark. They don't seem to be partners. I really think she would eventually respond to the lighthouse way of being, technique. But right now I'm going to concentrate on detaching emotionally. Small steps. I think once I can eliminate the need to "know" everything about her and concentrate more on myself and my kids I can eventually then get to be the lighthouse.
My W is so much not herself right now. Acting almost. Like nothing matters to her. I can see this is just a symptom of the MLC. She's just completely changed her personality. She's like a teenager.
It's actually quite incredible when I sit and thinks about her behavior and how different she is. It's just crazy. I think if I do the DBng she'll eventually see her family and our home as the best safe place for her heart.
Thanks man
AK8
So, she texted today and said she everything was all good and her conference was about to start. I didn't respond. After a while she calls.
I've been under the impression these past two days that she was there with her work friend. She said he wasn't there. I asked if this was a planned weekend with him? She said no.
I know, I know, I know...
My mouth starts going before I start thinking.
I'm pretty sure she's lying though.
I think she's scared to tell me the truth. I think she's afraid that if I knew the whole truth I would leave (I wouldn't)..
I'm gonna try and not ask any more questions.
If she did cheat there's nothing I can do, if she didn't cheat there's nothing to do.
I can't trust her so what's the use in asking questions.
It only hurts, even when she says what I want to hear it hurts.
(Not sure if I posted this but I was able to check her phone record for the time when she got off the plane, her first phone call was to him for 2 minutes, seems like it was an "I'm here" call)
I'm not gonna ask anymore questions.
I'm just gonna concentrate on kids. Respond to her texts with kindness and when she gets back I will dim somewhat and try and detach.
AK8
I'm just gonna concentrate on kids.
Number one priority, my friend. Nothing else. They were my beacon of light in the darkest of times.
Read DR cover to cover, even the parts you don't think apply and then read it again. When you read the chapter on goals, post again with a new set of goals as DR has a specific recommendation on goals.
Jeep,
Man you're so right. While my daughters at school I struggle, but as soon as she gets in the car my face lights up.
So I broke down again and asked her to please tell me if there is someone else: I was calm and told her I really needed to know. My S is having shoulder surgery tmrw morning to repair a broken collarbone and she's off traveling for work. She should be here for this, and I know that if she weren't in this fog, she would be. My kids know what's going on because they asked me. I told them the truth, that moms not herself right, that she's confused and needs time and space from me to figure things out.
Anyway, I asked her straightforwardly if there were someone else. This was her response verbatim.
"There is no one else, I know what I want one day but it's not now. Right now it's about exploring things in my life I never had the chance to do. I've always had limits in my life while working my soul out and never really asking for anything. I lost my spirit with you because I waited so long for you to give me what was only just a thought in your head and to me "the thought that counts" just isn't enough anymore. I still have love for you and believe with all my heart that you are The Greatest Dad. That is the best thing I can give my children. Are things going to be different? Yes. Do you need to leave? No."
Ive told her in the past that I couldn't stay if there were someone else.
It seems like I want an answer from her at the time but then when she gives me the answer I want I can't trust it. Geez.. but I guess I have to continue on like she's telling me the truth if I want to make this work out I n the end.
I felt I needed to know the truth, as well, to know how to proceed in my db'ing.
Ias I've seen in the past she responds to me being cheery, letting her have space and being responsive when she wants to talk.
I think I'm going to take Sandi's advice for LBS's whose W's aren't having an A. It seems she wants her independence more than anything else.
In my head I've also stated to plan out how I could move back home and start a new life there. My kids both want to be with me if it comes down to that.
But for now I'm gonna continue working out, working, spending time with my kids, concentrating on me and letting her have her space.
She bought some Hockey tickets for this Friday night for the whole family. Should I go? I think she really wants family time. I know she's feeling guilty she's not here for the surgery. My son is not happy with her right now and she knows it.
Thanks Jeep for your response.
I go on and on.. it feels good to let it out here.
AK8
How are you today, Alaska?
While my daughters at school I struggle, but as soon as she gets in the car my face lights up.
I know how you feel. Even though I was busy at work, the second I get them it makes the pain go away. It gets a little easier as time goes and one day, you'll be standing strong enough to look back without slipping.
I'm glad that you told them the truth. Never, never lie about that. Never. Even if you have to keep things out, never lie. And never talk bad about the mom.
It seems like I want an answer from her at the time but then when she gives me the answer I want I can't trust it. Geez.. but I guess I have to continue on like she's telling me the truth if I want to make this work out I n the end.
I did the same exact thing. I asked when my gut was telling me so but without proof, and she vehemently denied. Until the smallest of slip ups that one of my children don't know they caught. And there was the whole deal that the OM's wife sent me. I'm telling you this because they will lie while looking you in the eye. Mine was so good at it and so convincing, that she had me believing I was making stuff up. Now, I don't trust a thing she says. Yours may very well be not having an affair, or did have one, or whatever. Is it important in the grand scheme of things? Not totally, but its just part of the issue.
She bought some Hockey tickets for this Friday night for the whole family. Should I go? I think she really wants family time. I know she's feeling guilty she's not here for the surgery. My son is not happy with her right now and she knows it.
I'd say go to the hockey game. But go with absolutely not expectations. None. Try to keep your feelings out of it. You saying that she knows your son isn't happy tells me that this "family time" may be nothing more than an attempt to buy favor with them. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. My ex does the same at times, well not any more. She just buys them sh*t all the time. ALL OF THE TIME.
You are welcome, sir. I try to help - some say my advice isn't with the norm on here, but mine is based on my experiences - as is every one else's. I answer because I know exactly how you feel.
You are doing just fine. Concentrate on the kids. They are your number one. Nothing else.
***While my daughters at school I struggle, but as soon as she gets in the car my face lights up.***
Awesome
...be there for your kids, they need you more than ever!
***My S is having shoulder surgery tmrw morning to repair a broken collarbone and she's off traveling for work. She should be here for this, and I know that if she weren't in this fog, she would be. My kids know what's going on because they asked me. I told them the truth, that moms not herself right, that she's confused and needs time and space from me to figure things out.***
Wow, that is an awesome response. I will keep that in my back pocket for future use.
***Anyway, I asked her straightforwardly if there were someone else. This was her response verbatim.
"There is no one else, I know what I want one day but it's not now.***
What/who does she want one day? Does she have someone in mind?
***Right now it's about exploring things in my life I never had the chance to do.***
Like what? Sexually? Socially? Professionally? Spiritually? Sounds like MLC.
***I've always had limits in my life while working my soul out and never really asking for anything.***
What limits? Never really asking for anything, like what? Sounds like MLC.
***I lost my spirit with you because I waited so long for you to give me what was only just a thought in your head and to me "the thought that counts" just isn't enough anymore.***
What does this mean?
***I still have love for you and believe with all my heart that you are The Greatest Dad. That is the best thing I can give my children. Are things going to be different? Yes. Do you need to leave? No."***
So, she loves you but doesn't want you, but wants you to stay in the same house? In-house separation? In-house divorce? You previously said she doesn't want physical interaction--do you guys have sexual compatibility issues?
***I've told her in the past that I couldn't stay if there were someone else.***
You suspect there is someone else, but you are still there.
***It seems like I want an answer from her at the time but then when she gives me the answer I want I can't trust it. Geez.. but I guess I have to continue on like she's telling me the truth if I want to make this work out I n the end. I felt I needed to know the truth, as well, to know how to proceed in my db'ing.
Ias I've seen in the past she responds to me being cheery, letting her have space and being responsive when she wants to talk.
I think I'm going to take Sandi's advice for LBS's whose W's aren't having an A.***
What makes you not trust her? And if you don't trust her, why follow the advice for W's who aren't having an A?
***It seems she wants her independence more than anything else.***
Yes, you said before, freedom and independence...it's part of the script...why does your W feel trapped?
***In my head I've also stated to plan out how I could move back home and start a new life there. My kids both want to be with me if it comes down to that.***
Is it a possibility to live so far from your W?
***But for now I'm gonna continue working out, working, spending time with my kids, concentrating on me and letting her have her space.***
Sounds like a good plan...
***She bought some Hockey tickets for this Friday night for the whole family. Should I go? I think she really wants family time. I know she's feeling guilty she's not here for the surgery. My son is not happy with her right now and she knows it.
Thanks Jeep for your response.***
I agree with Jeep on this one...
Jeep,
Ya, I know she could be lying. But I'm thinking it's best right now for me to believe her and GAL. It feels better to me to not pry and ask questions. I can funtion better in my daily routine and most importantly I can be upbeat and "cool" around her when she's heRe. One thing I've found that's been working for me, actually, is I don't look her in the eye when I'm telling a story or talking about whatever it is im taking about. I do look her in the eye when SHES talking. But when I'm the one saying something I always try and look at my kids or look in another direction, non chalantly though. I find her reaction to be quite interesting. Often times I'll find her checking me out! I try to keep my posture, shoulders back (I've been working out like a fiend, dropping buko poundage), she takes notice. I've found this technique, if you wanna call it that, to somehow exude confidence. It's almost like, with her eyes, she's begging me to acknowledge her.
You ever been in a conversation where someone's talking to a group, and you're part of that group, but they never look at you? Makes you feel left out! You desire to be acknowledged. That's the feeling I get from her. It's very subtle though. I don't think it registers in her mind that it's being done to her. There's no tangible effect though. It's not like she's all of a sudden taking my arm and saying "look at me!". It's just a way of showing confidence for ME. Helps me in my attempt to exude that cheery, breezy, confident persona.
She got back from her trip obviously and I didn't ask one thing. Over the phone, before she got back, she was about to tell me about her girlfriends and what they did, but I just said hey...I don't need to hear all that, that's your business now. She wanted to share, but I shut her down. I think she misses sharing, but I don't want to here that s**t.
I think the more I don't show interest in her "goings on" the less it effects me daily and the more space I give her.
Should I have listened?
I'll tell you this much. Since she's gotten back she's much more talkative and texting a bunch.
I think she feels guilty about not being here for my S.
Guess we'll see.
By the way, she told my boy about the Hockey tickets when she got back. My S shut her down!! Said he didn't think he was gonna feel up to it, his way of saying no thanks, I'll stay here with my dad. She felt it too. I told her he'll get over it, just give him time. Ha!
She couldn't buy her way out!!
Anyway, thanks Jeep.
I'll keep y'all posted as to how my "plan" works out. I'm sure hoping it does. I don't like going dark, it really [censored], but if I have to I will.
AK8
You ever been in a conversation where someone's talking to a group, and you're part of that group, but they never look at you? Makes you feel left out! You desire to be acknowledged. That's the feeling I get from her. It's very subtle though. I don't think it registers in her mind that it's being done to her. There's no tangible effect though. It's not like she's all of a sudden taking my arm and saying "look at me!". It's just a way of showing confidence for ME. Helps me in my attempt to exude that cheery, breezy, confident persona.
She got back from her trip obviously and I didn't ask one thing. Over the phone, before she got back, she was about to tell me about her girlfriends and what they did, but I just said hey...I don't need to hear all that, that's your business now. She wanted to share, but I shut her down. I think she misses sharing, but I don't want to here that s**t.
I like this. Learn something new every day. I'd never have thought of doing that, but it seems to be working on some minute level. Kudos to you for shutting her down...letting her know that you are on your road.
My S shut her down!! Said he didn't think he was gonna feel up to it, his way of saying no thanks, I'll stay here with my dad. She felt it too. I told her he'll get over it, just give him time. Ha!
She couldn't buy her way out!!
Kids are much, much more intuitive than we give them credit for.
Gordie,
1. Ok Gordie man! About the first line of her text, you hit the nail on the head!!!!! I saw that line and thought the exact same thing!!! I was like, "What the heck does she mean she knows what she wants??? Like she's a certain type of guy?? WTF??!!"
BUT..... I slowed down and chalked it up to MLC talk. That's the best I can do right? Just let it slide.. I'm choosing to take it as someday she wants to be married as this is her biggest complaint about me. Maybe she doesn't mean me, maybe it's just about marriage in general. All I know is if I concentrate on that f***ed up line it will drive me crazy and I'll end up asking her, "Wtf did you mean by that?" And asking more questions is the last thing I need to do. So I'm gonna pretend it meant ME and move on.
2. Exploring for her means going out with her friends from m work when she travels. I'm not sure I've said this before but I was a very jealous controlling guy throughout our relationship. It's not like I didn't let go do stuff, she most certainly did. I just never got off to it and never let her do anything without having to know every detail and without giving her tons of attitude. So exploring for her is just taking the time for herself away from me and the kids and living a little.
3. She lost her spirit with me because I never married her. This is the most major area of contention with her. Until I'm fanancially capable of doing this I don't think she will turn around. I'm working on it though. I did propose but never finalized.
4. We are in-house seperated right now. She has the MBR. I'm a night owl and it was common for me to fall asleep on the couch during the week, bacuse she goes to bed early. So her having the MBR makes sense. But, I always slept in bed with her on the weekends. Sex has always been good. Twice a week on the weekends mostly. During our whole relationship I always "took care of her first". And she's never complained, so I think sex has always been good.
5. I suspected there was someone else but she says there is not. I haven't left because I love her and I can't see leavinhmg her just a cause I'm suspicious. And now, I'm not sure I actually want to know. Right now, right this second, I just want to beleive her and not dwell on negaatuve things. If I'm gonna get her back to our family it's gonna take me being confident and doing 180's and making changes in myself. I choose to believe her so I can make these things happen. Also my kids need me, and I need them.
6. I don't trust her because she's in MLC, but I've got to have a standard by which to go by. That standard right im is for me is just to take her word. Now that doesn't mean I can't prepare for the worst which is what I'm doing. I'm just tired of giving in to my suspicions. It's not healthy for me and it hurts my efforts to GAL.
7. My W feels trapped because, in all honesty, I made her feel that way. Like she had no freedom, no trust from me. I should've been okay with her going out with her work friends and socializing. I was a just a very jealous guy. I actually felt in my heart that she would never cheat on me, I just could never trust that feeling. And now that she's in MLC it's a distinct possibility! But like I said, I'm gonna choose to trust her now because it's what's good for me at the moment.
8. It's only a possibility for me to live so far from my W if the kids come with me. That's how I feel right now. And actually, as I plan it in my head, I'm beginning to see I COULD ACTUALLY BE WITHOUT HER! Now, that's not what I want though, I want my woman back in my arms. I try not to look at her at all when she's here in the house because I desire her so much. I just wanna touch her, feel her love me again. But there are other fish in the sea and if worse comes to worse I will set that hook buddy! FISH ON!
The more I post here and the more I talk with you guys the more confident I get. I thought I was gonna be a wreck after this trip of hers but I'm Not, I actually feel better than I have since this thing started. I owe a lot to y'all. You're questions Gordie, they not only make me think about how I feel they make me write out those feelings. I find it reassuring and proactive.
Thanks man..
AK8
So we had a lot of ice today here in the north. Roads real bad. She texts me this morning on the way to her work to tell me how bad the roads are. I text back the regular validating stuff, "wow really? We'll be safe, drive slow." And before she left she was making a lot of noise in the kitchen (I was Asleep on the recliner, my son can only sleep on a recliner too right now cause he's recovering from collarbone surgery, I wake him up to take his pain meds or he'll wake up in major pain) and talking to herself. Like...so I'd hear, know wHat I mean? A nervous, kidlike kind of self-conscious thing. I've noticed she's been doing it a lot lately.
Any way she works hard and does not usually call or text during the day. And she didn't today, until the end of the day around 5:45 she calls me.
" hey what are y'all doing" I'm still here and still have A little more work to do for an eArly meeting tmrw morning, and on and on"
I say ok, np, just text me when you're on your way home, roads are still real bad.
And I'm the one that ends the convo.
She texts before she leaves as promised.
She gets home and from the time she walks in the door she's talking to me, non stop! (Usually she just goes to her room and closes the door)
Comes and sits next to me on the couch, close to me, close than she's sat to me since BD. Even my S noticed!
Sits there and talks my ear off about work. I look her in the eye the whole time, validating.
She tells me she might a actually talk at the Hockey game, out on the ice (American Heart Assoc stuff). So we're gonna have to go.
Point is she was acting soooooo different. Happy, talkative, getting close to me, etc..
I would say I'd have to chalk it up to my upbeat attitude and that I'm giving her space. And also that I think she missed me while she was away. I'm not sure if tha but it feels that way. I also think she gets that I'm starting to not give a s**t anymore, that I'm uninterested in what she does.
Only time will tell. I'm gonna stay on the path. Keep bobbing and weaving. See if I can make her hit nothing but air when she tries to throw a punch (metaphorically speaking of course). I know it's nothing really, that she's still on that roller coaster.
But it was a good day for me.
AK8
Only time will tell. I'm gonna stay on the path. Keep bobbing and weaving. See if I can make her hit nothing but air when she tries to throw a punch (metaphorically speaking of course). I know it's nothing really, that she's still on that roller coaster.
But it was a good day for me.
Reading your post gives me an upbeat vibe. I hope it is as it seems. And it's awesome that it was a good day for you! Keep up what you are doing, my friend. Even if things don't go your way, you are doing well for yourself and those who depend on you - and that's what is important.
***She texts me this morning on the way to her work to tell me how bad the roads are. I text back the regular validating stuff, "wow really? We'll be safe, drive slow."***
Validating is good.
***And before she left she was making a lot of noise in the kitchen (I was Asleep on the recliner, my son can only sleep on a recliner too right now cause he's recovering from collarbone surgery, I wake him up to take his pain meds or he'll wake up in major pain) and talking to herself. Like...so I'd hear, know wHat I mean? A nervous, kidlike kind of self-conscious thing. I've noticed she's been doing it a lot lately.***
Is this a new behavior? Was she indirectly communicating to you?
***Any way she works hard and does not usually call or text during the day. And she didn't today, until the end of the day around 5:45 she calls me. " hey what are y'all doing" I'm still here and still have A little more work to do for an eArly meeting tmrw morning, and on and on" I say ok, np, just text me when you're on your way home, roads are still real bad. And I'm the one that ends the convo.
She texts before she leaves as promised. She gets home and from the time she walks in the door she's talking to me, non stop! (Usually she just goes to her room and closes the door)
Comes and sits next to me on the couch, close to me, close than she's sat to me since BD. Even my S noticed!
Sits there and talks my ear off about work. I look her in the eye the whole time, validating.
She tells me she might a actually talk at the Hockey game, out on the ice (American Heart Assoc stuff). So we're gonna have to go.
Point is she was acting soooooo different. Happy, talkative, getting close to me, etc..
I would say I'd have to chalk it up to my upbeat attitude and that I'm giving her space. And also that I think she missed me while she was away. I'm not sure if tha but it feels that way. I also think she gets that I'm starting to not give a s**t anymore, that I'm uninterested in what she does.***
Have you read the pursuit and distance threads? I'm not sure if it was in your original homework, but you can find it on the MLC threads. Remember you can only control you and detachment is not letting her closeness or distance affect you. You have no idea what is going on in her head (or her feelings towards you or other men), so you should expect it to change day to day or even hour to hour: coming close, creating distance, etc. Enjoy the closeness, but don't let the distance bother you.
***Only time will tell. I'm gonna stay on the path. Keep bobbing and weaving. See if I can make her hit nothing but air when she tries to throw a punch (metaphorically speaking of course). I know it's nothing really, that she's still on that roller coaster.
But it was a good day for me.***
Sounds like you are doing well. Have you gotten the books and started coming up with your seven step plan, including near term goals?
Thanks Jeep, I will. I know the road is long and I'm just beginning.
Gordie,
1. This is new behavior. Before BD I would get up with her, or a little after her. Mostly I jus wanted to be up with her so we could tak a little before she went to work, we never really talk while she's at work because she's got a very busy/stressful job. I would also make sure to go outside and start and warm up the truck for her. I don't do this anymore. So I get the impression that the talking-to-herself thing is a unconscious attempt at getting my attention. It's very weird for her to behave like that. It kinda goes like this: " ok, I got that ready, oh yeah I almost forgot, ok (deep loud sigh), I think I'm ready, just need to do this and then make sure I got my gloves,etc etc etc". I used to play a lot of poker, and most of my game centered around "Tells". There's a great book by a guy named Mike Caro specifically about poker tells, but you can learn a lot from that book about everyday human behavior. This talking to herself is a tell, shes looking for my attention in the mornings. She only does this in the morning.
2. H**L yeah Gordie!! ENJOY THE CLOSENESS BUT DONT LET THE DISTANCE BOTHER YOU!!!! That's a great great line my friend. I will not forget that. I have read the pursue/distance threads. They make sense. We've playing that damn game so effin long it's so stupid. But it makes so much sense in the MLC thing. I just gotta remember my plan and keep to it. I haven't spied or tried finding anything out about her since telling you guys I wouldn't. My state of mind has improved dramatically.
As a matter of fact I don't see how anyone can successfully DB without stopping all the spying. It's just so unhealthy.
3. So ya man, I haven't gotten the books yet. I'm afraid she'll find em. She's like that, if one of my kids lets it slip..I'm done. I'm gonna have to figure out something so I can start reading and planning. I do need to get them and begin this process in earnest. As I get further in my emotional detachment it's become easier to contemplate actually sitting down and reading and taking it all in. I will make it a point to go this week and see if I can find Michelle's books.
Thanks Gordie, again, for taking the time to read through my mess and respond with attention like you have. Replying to you makes me think hard and it's therapeutic.
More to come..
AK8
Go to a library and read there in private.
I'm think Barnes/Noble Cadet. It's real close, but I had the same idea. But I think I might just buy it.
She pulled a fast one on is Friday night. I'm gonna post it.
Thanks
AK8
So...
We were thinking she was gonna get off work Friday, go to a little presentation by some vendors for her work, get out quick and we would meet her at the rink right?
Wrong..
6pm rolls around I've heard nothing. Kids are asking, "aren't we to the hockey game or what?" I say, mom hasn't called or text yet. I call her, only because the kids were asking. No response. Then after about 10 minutes...she texts, "sorry, I'm here at the dinner already, I left work late"
I didnt respond. She did not mention Hickey game so I figured it was not gonna happen. So I I jumped into action. You guys get dressed we're going out to eat, I said.
So we go out to eat, have a great time, talk a lot. We go to do some shopping at Walmart. Come home watch a movie, still now word from W. She comes home at about 12:30am drunk as s**t. Sits down next to me between me and my son. Tries to get my S15 attention, he didnt even want to look at her. She was embarrassed...she leans back next to me...falls asleep.
I was so disgusted with her for doing that to the kids.
I really wasn't thinking about me, i didn't even care..
But, I was nice to her. Asked if she was ok. Told her to go to bed.
I wasn't about to show my disappointment, I just had a good presence, like it didn't bother me. Not sure if this was the right thing to do but it felt good. Like I was showing my indifference.
Next day, everything's cool. She made breakfast. I worked a little. During breakfast I tell me D I'm going to the gym later at about 4, I tell me W she can come if she wants,nonchalantly, no pressure whatsoever.
She says, "I would love to go the gym, I need to".
So we make a plan to go the gym and movie afterward. It was a nice time. She talked a lot. Looked me in the eye. I validated when I needed to. I did my best to exude confidence and I smiled a lot.
I can tell she noticed.
The kids were good with her.
I actually feel sorry for her sometimes..my kids don't want to be around her sometimes,I can tell, but they tolerate it.
This morning she's sitting on the couch telling me in May she wants us all to fly down to Texas for her sisters babyshower, that she's got enough miles to cover us all. I say sure, definitely. But I als tell her...
"You know you've been traveling a lot doing your thing so I have to tell you in April , and I'm not sure if you're gonna wanna come, but I'm going back home to go to SA for NIOSA.." (NIOSA is a week long party in San Antonio that we've never missed together in 17 years)
She said very nicely "ok that's fine".
BUT I KNOW INSIDE SHES LIKE WTF!!!
After she just told me she wants us to go on a trip back home all together I tell her I want to go home to party for a week!!
That's GAL BROTHERS !!!!!!
I'll keep y'all posted!
I have to say though that without these conversations and posts I would be lost.
So thanks very much to you guys for being there.
Also, i have a close friend that went through an MLC a few years back, that story to come.
AK8
I'm so sorry, Alaska.
Good for you taking them out. It eases their disappointment. The sad thing is, she is creating a divide with them that will take a long time to repair. You are doing the right thing, and they will remember that. You are there for your kids and they know that. Keep it up, my friend.
Good on ya, my friend.
I'm think Barnes/Noble Cadet. It's real close, but I had the same idea. But I think I might just buy it.
Just don't let her find them.
Its like the coach handing the opposing team the playbook
Jeep, thanks man for the words of encouragement.
Cadet, I will not let her find it, I promise. First rule of MLC club...don't talk about MLC club.
Lately:
I've been doing my best trying not let this stuff get to me and it's working.
I think though to get to the point where you can truly focus on kids or work or other areas of your life (GAL), you have to go make mistakes and ask questions and get it out of your system. I think newcomers make the mistake of thinking all is lost when they let their anger or sadness rule their actions. It's not the end, it's the beginning. To truly get to that place where you can stop the spying and obsessiveness you have to let it all out, let go.
I did. I stopped all of it. I still wonder, I still care, I still love her, but I don't obsess anymore. When I think about asking questions I always think to myself," what answer could she give me that I could beleieve right now". The answer is NONE!
So my mind moves on and my soul rests. It's that simple. But you have to let go of the jealousy and obsession with knowing. That's the only way. It takes a little practice. But once mastered it opens all the doors to GAL and detachment and living .
This weekend she goes away again. Will I care what she's doing? Of course. But I won't check her phone, I won't try to locate her, I won't call or text...I'll occupy my mind and time with other things.
Am I in acceptance? I think so. The other day when she was out the only thing I was worried about was that she gets home safe. If you can truly believe their actions are SYMPTOMS, you can accomplish a lot.
Anyway that's how I'm going about things now.
I had a buddy that went through the exact same thing. His W traveled, felt trapped, had an EA, he obsessed for 9 months, got angry all the time, had no clue what to do. One day he couldn't take it anymore and said he was gonna move out. She did a 180 and now they're better than ever.
Sometimes it takes extreme measures I guess. For every action there's a reaction, change brings change. Not every WW, WAW or MLC is the same I know. But that state of mind in them has a lot of similarities I think we can all learn from and adapt to our own sitchs.
I wasn't sure if my W was gonna stay the night althis weekend at the hotel she's giving a presentation at. But my S just me she talked to him on the way to drop him off at school this morning. He said she asked if he was mad her and said that she was just doing a lot of work stuff lately and soon she would be able to spend time with them. She told him she was gonna be gone this weekend again but would see them Sat and Sun and spend some time with them. I asked him what he thought when she told him this and he said, "I wanted to sigh.." he's just so disgusted with her it's hard to take.
Now.. I want to text her and ask questions and get angry and tell her what she's doing to her kids, but what good would it do? Either she'd lie about what she's doing to make it seem unimportant or she'd get angry. A no win sitch.
I'm gonna stay the course and just try and maintain space from her.
Times on my side. I can't play into her hands.
Wish me luck.
AK8
AK8,
Wow, you seem like a DB prodigy, picking up the concept quite quickly. Of course we all make mistakes, which is fine as long as we learn from them. Nice story about your friend who got his W back too. Nice progress report. What are your goals at this stage? What do you hope to accomplish in the next few weeks?
Why do you think she is having a MLC?
Ok...
First let me apologize for having taken so long to respond. My W was gone Th-Sat, we had suoerbowl her on Sunday and I've been working my its off with the kids.
Gordie, thanks for the kind words. My short term goals are: workout, work, focus on kids, stay calm and stay happy. Long term goals: prepare for the worst! (Start looking at job opportunities back home and look into housing options and how I will support my children and myself if and when we move. this preparation has been helping me GAL and act "as if". No matter how good it looks at times I know she can't be trusted right now, so I believe planning for a future without her is the best thing I can do for my kids and myself.
My goals for this week. Stay calm, create a cheery home environment, validate when needed, spend family time together (W included).
You'll see where this is headed in a sec.
Sandi2,
She's exhibited all the Classic textbook behaviors and markers of MLC.
1. The passions gone.
2. I love you but I'm not in love with you.
3. I need my independence.
4. We got together to young, I didn't have a chance to experience anything.
5. I need space.
6. I want to focus on my career.
7. Excessively shopping for clothes.
8. Comes home and goes to her room, closes the door, puts music on.
9. Walks around the house with headphones on.
10. Ignores kids, only focuses on what she wants.
11. Travels for work and party's every night she's out.
12. Drinks excessively
13. Wants to travel more, even though it's hurting children.
14. Works out obsessively (even though she's in tremendous shape)
15. Does all this but comes home from trips and wants to talk about her
Accomplishments like a kid looking for praise.
Sandi2, she also reacts the way an MLC'et would act when chased, (as I was guilty of this in the past before I found these boards).
Whether she's in a PA of an EA is yet to be seen. I don't believe she's having either. But if she is I believe I'm doing the right things for now to help to understand she's got a better home here and the grass isn't always greener. I've seen guilt in her eyes from time to time (I know this passes quickly in MLC). But I think the more she feels it the more it will have an impact to on her. The guilt relates to our kids, not really me.
Thanks for taking the time to ask though, I appreciate it.
What do you think? MLC?
Let me know
AK8
Alaska,
Few questions, my friend:
(Start looking at job opportunities back home and look into housing options and how I will support my children and myself if and when we move.
I read this as if you and the kids would move to a different location. How would this affect any custody she will get?
1. The passions gone.
2. I love you but I'm not in love with you.
3. I need my independence.
Standard from all.
4. We got together to young, I didn't have a chance to experience anything.
That's entirely possible and not indicative of a MLC.
5. I need space.
6. I want to focus on my career.
Space = leave me alone; as is career.
7. Excessively shopping for clothes.
8. Comes home and goes to her room, closes the door, puts music on.
9. Walks around the house with headphones on.
Uh oh. Flags for EA/PA
The rest seem to markers for MLC. Or maybe she just wants out.
The guilt relates to our kids, not really me.
Bingo.
So...
Back then my continuing story.
As you know last week she was going to have a big work presentation. Well on Wednesday night she calls the kids. My D asks when she's getting home. She tells my D not till Saturday. As soon as they get off the phone my D starts crying. I wasn't aware she was staying at the hotel all week either.
After comforting my D I called my W and said WTF?
She tells me, " I asked you last night don't you think it's better that I stay at the hotel instead of coming all the way home?". I said, "yes but we were all under the impression it was for Friday night only".
Anyway, these important ppl were staying here all week and she had to entertain them. The next day I texted her to call me and she did. I told her, "listen, you kinda caught us off guard last night telling us you weren't coming home all week, D was very sad, but we understand you have a lot going on with this Summit and we want you not to worry about us, we're fine. I talked to the kids and told them you had some very important work things going on. Let's just get passé this weekend and next week we'll go out and do family stuff." She said," THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I want to do that, yes we will" I said ok, good luck with everything and hung up. She called the kids each night or texted me each night once she got back to her room. I didn't track her, check phone records or spy on her in any way. And when she got back I didn't ask any questions, just let her tell me what she wanted to tell me about her Summit. She had a lot t say and I had to validate a lot.
Things we fine on Saturday, she got back early. I worked until we had to leave for a birthday party. As y'all know I've been working out. I'm down to 250, which for me looks slim. AND BOY DID I HEAR AT THE PARTY!!!
I went out and bought new jeans, size 40! Haven't fit into 40's in years. Plus hardly do any cardio, I've lost all my weight through Heavy Lifting and dieting. I got dressed downstairs, put cologne on, came upstairs to ask her a question, and upon seeing me immeadiately says, "OMG you look nice!". I said thanks and went back to asking my question.
At the party everyone was commenting on how good I looked. She looked impressed and was treated me very nicely. I was in the middle of talking to someone, I was seated and she was standing next to me and noticed I had something on my eyebrow. She gently reaches down and removes it while I'm still talking to this other person. Other light touching happens throught the day and evening. And we talk real nice to eachother.
Next day is Suprbowl. She gets drunk and acts obnoxious, laughing loud, being flirty, etc. but still is being nice to me. All she can talk about is her trips and work and where she's been and where she's going and that she leaves not tired of traveling. Hurts my kids feelings to hear her talk and act the way she does.
But she was drunk and I know these actions are just symptoms.
This morning she gave me a kiss goodbye.
I know we're not supposed to get all crazy about the little things. I try not to. I like them and i take enjoyment in them. But they don't rule my actions anymore.
I let my anger show the other day when I found out she was gonna be gone. But I quickly returned it beck to normal with, not an apology, but an excuse. This works better. Apologies only push them away, fuels their fire.
I don't offer gasoline anymore, I don't fan flames, I calmly let them burn themselves out.
Thanks for listening everyone.
AK8 out
Hey Jeep,
Ya, if we moved back home I think she'd let me take the kids. I'd have to have everything squared away with living and transportation and everything, but I'm 99% sure she'd let me bring them with me. First they would want to come with me, of this I am 100% positively without a doubt in my mind sure, my son has already expressed this to me ( he's a smart kid and knows what's going on and what the possible consequences are).
Also, she couldn't take care of them with her job. She makes a lot of money but she travels way too much. Plus all of our family is back home. She would most likely help us in some way financially because she makes most of the money in this relationship. And she has the capability to fly down and visit them whenever she wants. It would work better for everyone in so many different ways if I took the kids back home. If it come down to that. Let's hope it doesn't.
Yes we did get together young. But coupled with all the other MLC signs I'd say this is just another thing on the list of MLC markers. She's trying to recapture her youth, trying to explore traveling and partying and socializing .. and that's all cool, I think she'll soon realize that those things aren't better than family life. She's got a good heart, it's just surrounded in fog right now. I have to be the searchlight, the beacon.
As for the shopping...I don't not really see them as flags for Ea or PA. She went shopping for new work clothes and casual wear as well. She loves to shop, period. And these times she me gone shopping, she always comes home and gets giddy to show me what she's got. We're not rich ppl by any means, but the ppl she's around on these trips are CEO's and Old Money Doctors and women who are high up on the food chain, so she's trying to impress. She wants to look good, that's how I see it. Plus she was going to CA. We're up north so she actually needed hot weather clothes.
Trust me, although, I don't want to believe she's talking to someone else, I'm still worried. But what can I do? I'm not asking her anymore. She's told me she isn't and I'm gonna choose to believe that, cause that makes me feel better. Helps me GAL. I'm no good when I'm obsessing.
Last night she told me during her yearly evaluation by her boss (real old nice man), that she would be a great candidate to go on a pilgrimage to Guatemala to help the needy. Another trip..siggghhhh. But I validated awesome," wow that's great, I hope you get it!" Because, it's getting to where it's easier for us when she's not around!!! That [censored] right? But for now we will struggle and survive. And if I have to suffer these symptom of hers, I will, if for nothing else than my kids sake.
I'm gonna just keep preparing for the worst and act like everything's good.
Stay Calm and weather the storm.
Thanks Jeep!
AK8
Alaska,
I do hope that I was wrong in initial readings. However, some of the things appear way to often on here. Just don't be blind for what you don't want to see.
Fair winds and following seas, my friend.
No worries Jeep. I think I'm on the right track.
I know the possibilities are endless and I know that there are other methods to go about this, I'm just comfortable right now with this approach.
She very well may be in an EA or even a PA..
I just choose, for my family and my well being to believe that she's telling me the truth. Right now, at least, it's the only way I've been able to cope and GAL.
The more I obsess the more lonely and depressed I feel.
We just had a great family dinner after having gone to the gym.
We talked nice. She did mention she was going to be traveling at the end of February. Normally this would upset me. But I don't feel upset right now.
And I don't think I will get upset. I can't control what she does
Who she's with or where she goes. All I can do is be the best I can be for me and my kids and try to show her through my actions, accomplishments and being the "lighthouse" that this is where she belongs.
Cause I want her more than anything.....at least right now.
I guess if that ever changes I will adapt.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
That's my motto.
Thanks Jeep, your considerations and insights do help.
And I appreciate everyone's input.
AK8
just choose, for my family and my well being to believe that she's telling me the truth. Right now, at least, it's the only way I've been able to cope and GAL.
I had those blinders on, too. It's easier to not want to see things than deal with them.
Normally this would upset me. But I don't feel upset right now.
And I don't think I will get upset. I can't control what she does
Who she's with or where she goes. All I can do is be the best I can be for me and my kids and try to show her through my actions, accomplishments and being the "lighthouse" that this is where she belongs.
Very, very good to hear. You are doing better than you think, my friend.
So the weekend went well.
Just kinda been trying to be happy and uninterested at the same time.
We did family night at the movies and all went well.
John Wick 2 is excellent.
We were supposed to go out Saturday night with her cousin and some friends.
I was not looking forward to this as this would've put us in a kind of date situation.
When it was first brought up last weekend by her cousin I immeadiately said,
"If W wants to go I'll stay behind and watch their S (he's a baby and our soon to be Godson)".
I think my W remembered my reluctance at the idea of going to this thing becaus while we were at he movies she suggested we both stay home and watch their baby.
We did and I've got say I think we had a better time doing that then we would have if we'd gone out. She was calling me Babe all night. Being cordial at times but at other times she would be overly nice.
We even had some laughs, like we did before all this crap.
We went to bed, with the baby between us. It was remiscent of how we slept with our children. It was a good feeling.
The next morning, today, we woke up and started having conversations with her cousin and his wife about the night before. They stayed the night.
It was a fun morning, full of laughter.
As she passes me by our kitchen counter she runs her hand across my abdomen and ends up touching my arm and her hand goes all the way down to my hand, I grabbed her finger with my fingers and she left it there for a second before I let go. This may not seem like much but it was the most touching I think we've done since she BD.
As the morning progressed we got to talking about visiting home. She said she wants to go with me to Fiesta, in Texas. I'm not sure if y'all remember me mentioning that I had expressed , to her surprise, that I was planning on flying back for this event.
For her to want to come with me is a big deal. I was totally taken aback by this, BUT I DIDNT SHOW IT!
Anyway, it was a very quick short statement, I was careful not to ask questions or comment. I just," oh..ok cool".
This will be a big week for us. This will be happening in April. We'll be getting a hotel for the stay.
We all had breakfast, and some mimosas (her cousin and wife needed a little hair of the dog)
I had some work to do so I went down to the garage for a few hours. She worked On the bills and her cousin slept off his hangover.
When I came up I told my D and her little cousin to get ready to go swwimmimg at the gym.
My W was gonna go get a massage, I had known this already.
Before she left she came to give me a kiss goodbye, something she's been doing lately.
It was a good weekend I must say.
Hope it lasts..
Hope i last.
AK8
Alaska,
Sounds like a good weekend! Keep it up, my friend!
I'm not sure I am understanding something here...
And please don't misunderstand, I think that you are doing really well considering your timeline...
I see that you are doing really well with your words, however I am not sure that your actions are matching up with them.
I see a lot of words, talking of being you, and just focusing on the kids....
Then I see a lot more words, where you are focused on what she is doing, who she is with, wondering how she will react...
Mostly looking over your shoulder to see if what you are doing, is affecting what she is doing...
IF....and that is a big "IF"...she is really MLC, then nothing you do or say will change anything, yet everything that you so or say can affect everything...
Make sense ??
So maybe help me understand if you are really the guy who is "getting" this, or are you the guy that is just doing enough so that your WAS will take notice....
One of you would be pretty awesome, the other would be pretty manipulative...
Jeep asked earlier about establishing some goals....
I would be interested in seeing what those are....
AK, I am intrigued by your posts. I am also intrigued by how well you seem to be doing with this...
So, where are you at in AK ???
Or are you 4 hours from AK, as some call it....???
Mach1,
Thanks for the questions and concern, firstly.
To answer your question...I think I AM that guy who is "getting" this. That's not to say I don't have concerns and worries. I'm only human.
But I am trying to, legitimately, focus on myself and my kids, and more importantly on my future (this concerns goals,which I will get into in a second)
As far as doing things for myself I have immersed myself in my children. I give them as much attention as possible, I listen to them more, spend more time wth them, try to help them with understanding whats goin on here at home and just genuinely try to love them as much as possible. Their love and attention, in return, helps me on a daily basis deal and live without the worry and pain.
I've also totally changed my diet and exercise habits. I work out 5 days a week and I've lost about 55 lbs now since the end of October early November. At first I couldn't eat because of what was happening, so that gave me a little jump start. But now I just like working out, for myself, AND I must say, for the way ppl notice me now. It's a good feeling. Makes me feel complete confident and more sure of myself.
I've also recently opened a bank account. This sounds silly I know, but for 15 years now I've lived somewhat off the grid. I have tax issues which I'm currently working on. And that's part of my rebuilding process too, working on my taxes.
I've also been working real hard, trying to focus on making money, being able to rely on myself for income and not have to burden HER with money issues also helps my confidence.
All these things I've done and am doing are for me and my kids. However, I'd be lying if I said that my motivations don't include her. I'm not totally emoitionaly detached from her. I think if was I probably wouldn't be here on these boards. I still care what she thinks and how she feels. So if I said I'm not doing all these things, in some small way, for her and to somehow bring us back to loving again..I'd be a liar. But that's not my focus. I do know that the changes I've made are noticed and appreciated. Just yesterday she called me in the morning to ask if I'd like the meet her for breakfast. It was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She let me kiss her goodbye on the cheek and as I did I said," that was a great Valentine's Day breakfast", she replied "yes it was".
And then later last night we had a family Valentine's Day dinner out. And she even got me a card and small gift!!!!!!!!!!!
AND she's been consistently kissing me goodbye in the mornings and when she arrives home.
She hadn't touched me, literally, for a whole month.
So, ya, I'll take what I can get. I'll enjoy it while it lasts. I'm aware it may not.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
As far as goals, you saw one of them, my taxes.
I haven't filed in 6 years. But I'm working on that. And I WILL get them resolved. I'm not going to owe much. I just need to help myself and get this problem behind me. The plus is that not only will it help my future but she will also take great notice if I can get them cleared up.
All the changes I make for myself, no matter how much they are for me, theyre inextricably connected to her. Because they're issues that affect both of us and all my faults are TRULY situations that need to be fixed, for me and for her.
I would say to everyone that no matter how much you GAL and say it's just for you (Unless you're totally over your WAS and have no intentions of ever getting back with them) the changes you make for yourself will always be motivated, in some small way, by the desire to win back their love...you just can't count on it. And that's my view.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst...
I do, most certainly, care who she's with and what she's doing. I just don't obsess about it anymore. Literally, Mach1, the moment I stopped prying and spying, my jealousy subsided rapidly. Now I do wonder and crazy thoughts still enter my head. But I can control it so much better now! And the less I obsess and the less I spy the more I'm beginning to believe a lot of it was all in my head. Maybe it's not, maybe she is cheating. Right now it helps my sanity, my health and my ability to GAL to believe she's not. Maybe it's my love for her blinding me. I don't know. But ill cross that bridge if I ever get to it. I'm just turning into one of those ppl who'd rather not know. No ones perfect and I realize what she's going through has symptoms.
This essential to be able to "hope for the best", you gotta let go and stop spying. It will kill you inside if you don't stop and you'll never be able to GAL.
So there you go Mach. I think I'm "getting" this, but I also think some of it is manipulation, if you really love your WAS And desire them back don't believe that any change one makes doesn't include the hope that they will take notice.
I'm in Eagle River by the way.
This state is an amazing place.
AK8
Eagle River...
Holy smokes....
Jimmys Sushi...
AK...
Like I said, I think you are really grasping the concept of DBing...
Some tweaks here and there and you might just make a Vet after all..
You remind me of a good friend, very much so in fact...
I went to visit him in Anchorage ( 4 hours from Alaska ) a couple years back...
We went to Jimmys while we were there....AMAZING place...
Try the Snow White....
Did a partial climb up Flat Top ...
The view is stunning....
I'm not gonna chime in with anything right now, because you are getting and understanding the process ( much like he did)...
So let me ask you this...
What are some things that YOU want to work on ???
Some things that you would like to see differently ???
M1,
I haven't been to Jimmys yet.
I like Kennys at Tikatnhu, great food there, great service.
I'm from San Antonio where there are a ton of different places to eat, but you know what, since I've gotten here I really enjoy cooking at home.
I never used to. But in my attempt to get in better shape it just makes sense. Plus eating out here can get expensive.
Haven't been to Flat Top yet but I've been to a few other places; Seward, Kenai, etc..
Been on the Glacier tours, that was Awesome.
Look forward to doing some Geese hunting and Moose hunting this year.
Maybe some fishing if I'm lucky.
You know...her concerns and desires for changes in me run very similar to the things I see in myself that need changing.
That being said I do want these changes for me and me first.
Mainly because I need to prepare for the worst. I am VERY COGNIZANT of the fact that she may one day, out of the blue, say to me, "I'm in love with some else and you need to leave". In fact I wouldn't put it past her. I guess my trust only goes so far right? I don't really see it that way. For me at least, right now, it's not really trust, because how can you trust a WAS, MLC'r or other. You can't?
All you can do is have some faith, some hope that their affliction will subside and their symptoms will disappear and they will come back to reality.
So I need to make these changes for me first. For my own good. And if she comes around, great, if not I'll be prepared.
Financial, health, taxes, kids...there all worthwhile changes for me.
HFB/PFW
Thanks Mach1.
AK8
All you can do is have some faith, some hope that their affliction will subside and their symptoms will disappear and they will come back to reality.
Maybe, but don't pin your hopes on it.
So I need to make these changes for me first. For my own good. And if she comes around, great, if not I'll be prepared.
That's the best mindset you can have, my friend.
M1,
I haven't been to Jimmys yet.
I like Kennys at Tikatnhu, great food there, great service.
I'm from San Antonio where there are a ton of different places to eat, but you know what, since I've gotten here I really enjoy cooking at home.
I never used to. But in my attempt to get in better shape it just makes sense. Plus eating out here can get expensive.
I get that....
What I found interesting is the mixing pot of cultural foods there.
And it is some of the best that I have had...
Who woulda thunk I could find truly authentic Puerto Rican there ?
Jimmy's is awesome, and worth a trip sometime.
For cooking though...
Mr Prime Beef will make a Texas boy proud with the size of their cuts of beef....
Haven't been to Flat Top yet but I've been to a few other places; Seward, Kenai, etc..
We took the drive to Seward when I was there...just incredible...
I thought I would see the most beautiful sight ever, then right around the corner ? Yep...it was even more beautiful than the last one...
Been on the Glacier tours, that was Awesome.
Look forward to doing some Geese hunting and Moose hunting this year.
Maybe some fishing if I'm lucky.
Yea, Combat Fishing season will be upon y'all soon...
You should check our Symphony Lake too...
You know...her concerns and desires for changes in me run very similar to the things I see in myself that need changing.
That being said I do want these changes for me and me first.
Mainly because I need to prepare for the worst. I am VERY COGNIZANT of the fact that she may one day, out of the blue, say to me, "I'm in love with some else and you need to leave". In fact I wouldn't put it past her. I guess my trust only goes so far right? I don't really see it that way. For me at least, right now, it's not really trust, because how can you trust a WAS, MLC'r or other. You can't?
All you can do is have some faith, some hope that their affliction will subside and their symptoms will disappear and they will come back to reality.
That is a pretty great outlook, and I hope that you can keep that when things turn for the worst. Cause IF she is MLC, then it most definitely will at some point.
How do you think you will handle things IF she would come to you, and tell you that, or even that she is dating someone ??
So I need to make these changes for me first. For my own good. And if she comes around, great, if not I'll be prepared.
Financial, health, taxes, kids...there all worthwhile changes for me.
What are some other things ?
Daily interaction things, that have come up in conversation ???
Things about you, or things that she has said that sent a little sting up your neck ???
Typically, the LBS isn't the reason for the MLC, however, we DO contribute to things along the way...
What's your guess ??
What about her, makes you think MLC ???
AK,
I too am reminded of a very dear friend when I read your posts. He had a lot of insight and was able to grasp these concepts very early on and that served him well.
I agree with Mach...goals are important and I too would like to see something a little more concrete...
I also understand making your children you focus, however, I will caution you to not make them your only focus.
It is very important that you figure out YOU as a person, not YOU as a dad. Because in the long run, your children are going to find their own lives and you will be left wondering what to do with yourself...
I don't have a lot to add right now...except to wonder if you have considered how your being controlling and jealous has impacted your W.
Jeep,
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
As long as I'm here I've gotta have some hope.
But as the days go by it gets easier to think about how
Life would be without her. As I GAL my mind is beginning to
Accept what life could be like without her.
She's about to depart for a week and half long trip and I find myself being
REALLY REALLY ok with that.
Time and distance can do wonders for the soul.
AK8
Mach1,
You know... if she came to me and told me she had a boyfriend I'd be
Devastated. Because I see a lot of good still in her. She still talks about future plans that include me. It really doesn't seem like there's anyone else to me.
BUT I do realize I could be absolutely wrong and she could be lying about everything. I don't spy or snoop anymore so I have no idea what she could be doing.
So yeah,the fear is still there that she may be seeing someone else and if she came to me with that news I'd be heartbroken. But for the LBS who wishes for reconciliation that's life right? If I said it wouldn't bother me then I'd be totally emotionally detached from her...and that's just not the case for me. I can't control what she does, all I can do is control what I do. So I live out my days for me, my kids and working towards bettering myself and hope that one day she sees the light.
She hasn't said anything that's stung in a while. Only the typical MLC talk, but that was a while back. I do not talk with her about our relationship anymore. I don't ask questions, I don't bring it up, I listen to her talk and remain calm and cheerful.
No drama whatsoever.
Lately I've been seeing signs of depression in her. I think she gets it sometimes that she's hurting our family. My kids give her the cold shoulder ALOT because they feel neglected by her. They see her spending money we don't have, and they notice she spends a lot of time by herself in her room and they feel she only cares about herself right now. It's being noticed by my W that the kids don't appreciate it. I try to comfort my kids but they just keep getting hurt by her. She's torn by her need for time and space and keeping the kids content. She used to resent me somewhat because the kids have become closer to me but she realizes now it's her own fault.
I've talked about my reasons for believing she's in MLC in earlier posts. Go back and check it out if you like, it's a lot.
Thanks Mach for the questions and concern. Always enjoy replying to my fellow LBS bro's and sisters.
AK8
How are you doin today AK ?
Mach1, (and anyone interested),
Thanks for asking. Not good.
Struggling..
Had a breakdown the other day and went off on my W for the way she's been treating my kids, actually, for the way she's been neglecting my kids.
I got all the way in the argument enough to tell her I was hoping she could see her way clear to letting me take the kids back home with me.
She didn't argue much about it. She kind of agrees that it would be a soulution. She obviously still has the MLC mindset of "this is never gonna work between us" and I told her I need to know if taking the kids with me was an option. She says she just needs to hear my plan as I have a lot of obstacles ahead of me.
But since I last spoke with you guys I've made a ton of progress!
Taxes: turns out I'm only gonna owe like $2000 for the past years I haven't filed!
I can get this taken care of quick!
Credit: I hadn't had a bank account in about 17 years. I wasn't reporting any
Either though. But I thought I was gonna have a couple of judgements
On my credit but they're gone! Actually I don't even have a credit score!
So my buddy, who is a Mortgage Broker/Tax Preparer is working on
This for me. He told me he can have my credit up to 620 in a matter of
A couple months!
School: I wanna go back to school and I called my last institution to see how
Much I owe to get them to give me transcripts. I thought it was gonna
Be around 4K, turns out it's Ben so long they wrote off most of it. I
Only owe $650.
Bank: I recently opened a bank account. Started a secured Visa card to start
Establishing credit. And I already have a little savings going.
Back home, I have a job waiting for me and a place to stay while I get my ducks in a row.
It surprised her that I had done all this and had been planning it out.
Hope for the best prepare for the worst.
She left out of town right after we had this convo, when she came back she told me, " I don't think I can let you take my babies..when will I get them back? When will I see them?"
I said," I thought you said we were gonna leave it up to them?" After a moment she agreed that we would but that we needed to discuss what was gonna be said. She's worried they will hate her (selfish).
We will have this convo with them soon, but I'm not ready to leave just yet.
I need to save money, pay off these bills and let my credit improve.
She knows this and even has plans for all of us to take a trip together..
I'm resilient in my goals and my outlook on this whole thing. I can't see her attitude towards us improving while I'm still here. She gets to do whatever she wants while I'm at home babysitting and doing all the household stuff and attending to the kids. And I'd be lying if I said I don't feel anxious when she travels and goes out. It's human nature.
Actually if she wasn't hurting the kids so much with her actions and absence I think I might be able to overcome her lifestyle. But my kids are my life and I can't abide her actions anymore. My kids, especially my S15, has had enough.
Anyhow, that's what's been going on here lately.
I have not shed one tear. I keep my mind off her as much as possible and I'm just planning. Hopefully she'll live up to her word and let the kids decide (which I think she most definitely will since she can't be here for them whatsoever now)
They will 100% decide to come me with me.
About to head to the gym (down to 245 now)
She comes back Friday.
I'll let y'all know what happens.
Thanks for reading..
AK8
Had a breakdown the other day and went off on my W for the way she's been treating my kids, actually, for the way she's been neglecting my kids.
I got all the way in the argument enough to tell her I was hoping she could see her way clear to letting me take the kids back home with me.
She didn't argue much about it. She kind of agrees that it would be a soulution. She obviously still has the MLC mindset of "this is never gonna work between us" and I told her I need to know if taking the kids with me was an option. She says she just needs to hear my plan as I have a lot of obstacles ahead of me.
Home.....as in Texas ??
But since I last spoke with you guys I've made a ton of progress!
Taxes: turns out I'm only gonna owe like $2000 for the past years I haven't filed!
I can get this taken care of quick!
Credit: I hadn't had a bank account in about 17 years. I wasn't reporting any
Either though. But I thought I was gonna have a couple of judgements
On my credit but they're gone! Actually I don't even have a credit score!
So my buddy, who is a Mortgage Broker/Tax Preparer is working on
This for me. He told me he can have my credit up to 620 in a matter of
A couple months!
School: I wanna go back to school and I called my last institution to see how
Much I owe to get them to give me transcripts. I thought it was gonna
Be around 4K, turns out it's Ben so long they wrote off most of it. I
Only owe $650.
Bank: I recently opened a bank account. Started a secured Visa card to start
Establishing credit. And I already have a little savings going.
Back home, I have a job waiting for me and a place to stay while I get my ducks in a row.
It surprised her that I had done all this and had been planning it out.
Hope for the best prepare for the worst.
She left out of town right after we had this convo, when she came back she told me, " I don't think I can let you take my babies..when will I get them back? When will I see them?"
I said," I thought you said we were gonna leave it up to them?" After a moment she agreed that we would but that we needed to discuss what was gonna be said. She's worried they will hate her (selfish).
We will have this convo with them soon, but I'm not ready to leave just yet.
I need to save money, pay off these bills and let my credit improve.
She knows this and even has plans for all of us to take a trip together..
I'm resilient in my goals and my outlook on this whole thing. I can't see her attitude towards us improving while I'm still here. She gets to do whatever she wants while I'm at home babysitting and doing all the household stuff and attending to the kids. And I'd be lying if I said I don't feel anxious when she travels and goes out. It's human nature.
Actually if she wasn't hurting the kids so much with her actions and absence I think I might be able to overcome her lifestyle. But my kids are my life and I can't abide her actions anymore. My kids, especially my S15, has had enough.
Anyhow, that's what's been going on here lately.
I have not shed one tear. I keep my mind off her as much as possible and I'm just planning. Hopefully she'll live up to her word and let the kids decide (which I think she most definitely will since she can't be here for them whatsoever now)
They will 100% decide to come me with me.
About to head to the gym (down to 245 now)
She comes back Friday.
I'll let y'all know what happens.
Thanks for reading..
AK8
Sounds like you have had some really positive things happening...
So, is it just a Papa Bear thing with the kids ??
Or is what she is doing really causing them considerable harm ???
It was told to me like this...
It isn't your job to facilitate the relationship with them, it is your job to NOT damage the relationship with them...
And just because you are taking care of YOUR issues, shouldn't mean that you try to fix all of HER crap too...
That is part of the MLC thing for her, is finding her own way through life without someone holding her hand.
Try to back away from suggestions and judgments with her....