I've been reading these posts for weeks now and am currently in the middle of reading DR. I'm still learning the abbreviations so please bare with me.
My back story: My H and I are high school sweethearts. Literally the day after our marriage I thought what did I do?! He was a completely different person. I was subjected to emotional and verbal abuse for years. Didn't matter what my weight was, I was too fat (I weighed less than 100lbs when it started). I didn't do my hair right, didn't clean good enough, didn't cook well enough. He thought I should cut my hair, and after I did it, what was I thinking I should have left it long. You get the point. This applied to every aspect of my life.
When I was pregnant with my 1st child, he had an online emotional affair. After giving birth to my 2nd child, another emotional affair. After a lot of research, I believe, as does he occasionally, that he is bipolar. When he's stressed is when he seems to become manic and my life becomes wretched. That being said, my M was never perfect even without that additional problem.
With all the criticism over the years I've just stopped everything. I exist just to get through the day. My H is a serious weight lifter and all that goes with it. I no longer work out. He always gave me a hard time when I went out with friends, so that stopped years ago and I really don't have any close friends any more. I've worked from home for several years now so I get very little contact with other adults. We live on a tight budget. My H enjoys spending money and with 3 kids needing things, there's little to nothing left for me. So I don't have a lot of clothes and what I do have is not the trendiest. Another bone of contention with him.
Over the years he's not so "abusive" but will still hint or make off hand comments. Or maybe its my perception of it. It's been years since he's even hinted that he thought I was attractive. I make it sound like its horrible and sometimes it is, but its not as bad as that. There's a lot of good too.
H is not a FB poster. Can't stand when people post selfies looking for attention. The day before Thanksgiving he posted on FB with his shirt off. Which for a man shouldn't be a big deal except I knew he was doing it looking for attention. I was upset, told him and he didn't care. Progressively over the next month he posted tons of selfies, pictures of women he finds attractive and engaging in conversations really not appropriate for a married man. It got to the point where things were being said to me about it and women were boldly hitting on him knowing he was married. I tried explaining how humiliated I was and hurt, he said it was funny and proceeded to block me. He's not overly social and not a drinker. In 26 years we've been to 1 non family party. He's recently been to 5 parties and meeting up with people at the bar.
We're still in the same house, still sharing a bed but no relations. Over the last month I would say we speak maybe 2 words to each other daily. I invited him to an activity with me this past Saturday. We went and it was ok. Definitely not the same as usual but better than the last couple of months. The rest of the day we were much more friendly. Sunday, new day and back to silence. Monday I get an email telling me he's contacted an attorney.
I made sure to be gone when he got home last night. When I got home, I explained we needed to find homes for our dogs because I have been unable to find an apartment that allows them. He said he thought I should keep the house. I told him we struggle together there's no way I can do it on my own. He got angry with me, stormed out of the house and didn't come back home until after 2am. I thought maybe that was encouraging. I thought maybe he was hoping I would keep the house and keep the door to reconciliation open. But first thing this morning he said I think we should do mediation instead. Told me he's been talking to his family and they gave him a name.
I've tried my best to go dark while still living together. It's not easy. I'm trying to GAL, but it's difficult with 3 kids and the few friends I have, have family of their own to worry about. I'm trying to act as if. Its the happy part I haven't been able to accomplish yet. I'll work on it.
I'm here because I need a sounding board. I need to talk to people who know what I'm going through. But most of all I'm scared and I really could use help
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Hi 010207. Your story is heartbreaking.
You deserve a ton of credit for enduring this situation as long as you have. I guess the most obvious question I would ask is what is motivating you to keep the marriage together? The story you have told of your marriage is mostly negative, which is totally understandable given the mood that you're currently in. But I have to wonder what the good parts of the marriage were and how long they lasted.
The title of your post is "never good enough" and if you were posting your story in a forum for emotional abuse, I would suspect that most of the responses would be in favor of a divorce. But you're posting your story in a Divorce Busting forum which indicates that you are still trying to make things work.
So this is a tough question to answer but do you think you're trying to keep the marriage together because you have become dependent on your husband or because you truly believe that the two of you have the potential to work towards an emotionally healthy relationship? No judgement either way, I'm just trying to the full picture.
Hey 010207,
I feel for you and what you are going through. I know this is a tough time and believe me that most of on here are going through it or have gone though it. Going dark during living together is almost impossible. My question for you is what is his level of involvement with the kids? Does he spend a lot of time with them or does he just let you deal with everything with them?
GAL does not have to be just going out. You can do many thing from home when you are with the kids. You can start a new hobby or do projects around the house that have been on the list for ever. A big reason for GAL is so you can get out of your head and active. I know it is a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions but the more you stay busy the better you will feel over time.
Chris, your question is so hard to answer. I guess both. 2/3 of my life has been with him by my side. H and I taking on the world, ya know? We honestly do everything together which I know is unhealthy. I go to the auto parts store, he goes to the craft store. I used to be very independent, but going out alone is very uncomfortable.
I painted him in a bad light. While those things are true, he's more than that. When things are good, they are SO good. He's super funny and smart. He used to do little things like clean the snow off my car. 😊 He literally is the guy everyone wants to be friends with. Meanwhile I've turned into a wallflower. Maybe I've always been that way and he just "saw" me.
There are times when I think divorce is the right answer. I know what he wants and its not me. And there are times when I think, we just fit.
Seeker, he's never spent a ton of time with the kids. To his credit, he works a lot. When he gets home he's tired. Our kids are very active in sports which he does go to everything he can. I have 1 very difficult child. I love her, but she's the one I worry will get into a lot of trouble. When he's like this, he becomes very close to her. Gives her free reign. And she gets even worse. So disrespectful. My house right now feels so out of control.
This morning he told me we need to come up with money to pay the mediator. I don't have it. Can't pull it from nowhere. He asked if we could go out to dinner to figure it out. I can't sit in a restaurant and discuss dismantling my life.
I guess what I've failed to say before is that I love my husband. I have since I was 15 years old. And like everyone else here, I am desperately trying to find a way back
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Good advice. Thank you ☺
Hi 010207. Thanks for sharing the additional information. I know that it feels like posting on here helps to unburden yourself a little bit but it also takes courage. And I commend you for that.
Since you have stated that you're committed to saving your marriage, I think most of us will give you advice that can help with that goal. However, if there really is abuse (physical or emotional), I think all of us would advise that you're better off leaving.
It's good that you're able to remind yourself about the things in you M that were positive and happy. You and your H have a long history together. If he plans to continue being an involved parent he will always be in your life to a certain degree. You can use this to your advantage.
I would suggest that trying to do a 180 might help. After 26 years it's safe to say that your H has gotten to know you pretty well. So think about all the ways that you and your H interact (or have interacted when you weren't separated), and try your best to notice the patterns of your behavior. If he started shouting at you, would you yell back or back down? If he was distant would you try to pursue him or leave him alone? Whatever the situation, ask yourself, "What does he expect me to do?" And do something different.
You mention that you've become a wallflower over the years and that you don't have many friends. So you'll need to change that. Start doing things for yourself. Even if finances are scarce there are things you can do that cost very little (or nothing) that will help you shift the focus back to yourself. I know you're reading DR, but go to your local library and borrow some books that focus on self-help, whether they be spiritual or just psychological. Read up on mindfulness meditation and rent a Yoga video and start practicing both of those every day. Check out the meet up website and see if there are any groups in your area that seem interesting and go to one of their functions. You might make some new friends.
Once you start doing this, you might not see any signs of change in our relationship with your H. But that's ok because you need to make these changes for yourself anyway.
The hardest part in all of this, and the thing that I still struggle with is detachment. This takes a lot of strength and patience and sometimes you have to "fake it until you make it". I am still very much in tune with my W's every word and action and it affects my thoughts and behavior. If I could fully detach, this wouldn't happen. I am not there yet, but I'm making progress.
I hope this helps. I am still very new to this board and there are a lot of vets that can help with more of the details, but I think the overall message is the same. Read the DB/DR books, stop pursuing your H and make changes to your behavior that are not consistent with what he expects, and start doing things for yourself (aka GAL).
I hope this helps. Hang in there!
Hello 010207,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Now would be a good time for you to focus all of you time, effort and energy into being the best 010207 that only a fool would leave. Make these changes for yourself and your kids.
You mentioned that you work from home. Is it possible for you to do your work outside of the home occasionally? Instead of going everywhere together, could you go to the craft store alone to pick up a new project? Is there a reason that you don't work out/exercise?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
010207,
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's a hard time. And detachment is hard and I keep wondering to myself how it would help. I keep trying to do a 180. My old self would argue with my W, yell, and even berate and be controlling. I have and hate to admit, but mentally abused my W. She told me her heart was filled with depression and she just wants to be single, which I take as not with me. She's told me this about 5 times. I am now noticing my new 180 pattern is to brush something off when she says something negative to me,if she wants to stay at a friends house, I don't argue with her and the hardest part is if I was mad at her I would shut down and not talk to her. I just want to talk to her.
There is no easy way back, and if there was I wish I knew it. M is very hard, and no one she be emotionally and mentally abused. I'm just saying don't be codependent. You should have to be with your H, but want to be.
Do you think he knows what buttons to push to get you upset? Then act the opposite next time. Just be friendly and act happy around him. Right now if he sees you depressed, he might think he's " winning". Don't let that happen. Don't beg, just try to be happy in front of him, even if you have to fake it
I've come to the conclusion that my H is a darn good DBer, without ever even reading the book.
180 - he's got that down pat
As if - he does this well too
Detach - he's so far gone I have no idea how to talk to him
GAL - yup, did that too
And you know, it worked! I sure am scrambling to work on things. I wish he was doing it for the same reasons.
I read through some of the links Cadet posted earlier. I had already read some of them, but I stumbled on an old post that just hit me like a ton of bricks. The poster said look in the mirror and what do you see? I don't like what I see. Hate it actually. This isn't who I want to be. And if I can't stand my reflection, no wonder he can't either.
I think I just stopped being me partly because it didn't matter what I did, it was never going to be enough and partly because I became "mom".
Felt pretty good after this revelation. Decided that 180 is going to work for me if for no other reason than to be happy with myself. Hopefully that will trickle to H.
That "high" lasted a solid hour or so before anxiety kicked in. But it was an hour I hadn't planned on so I'll take it.
I love yoga, Chris73. I hadn't done it in a while but ironically went back to it 2 days ago. I will take your advice and get some books at the library too.
Cristy, thank you. I work for a large company who closed our office several years ago. Due to distance, I work solely from home. I'm looking for a new position though because I am desperately going to need a better paycheck if things don't improve.
He's asked me to go to our niece's birthday party. I agreed. I have a large family party the following weekend, do I invite him? I haven't though he knows the kids and I are going. Do I let him see life goes on without him, or put myself out there and see if I can get him to spend time together? I have no idea the response I'd even get.
Dpd, you are so right. I think that's why he brings up divorce every morning. It's rarely at night when we could actually talk. And you know what, I'm grateful. I try so hard not to react but if I have to have a deep conversation about it, I'm not going to be able to keep it together.
This morning I did try to have a positive happy attitude. I haven't seen him all day. Just now getting home and I'm so sick to my stomach worried about what's going to be said.
The one piece of advice I'll give to you if you feel you've emotionally abused your wife. Change, my friend. Do that 180 NOW and commit to it. If your W feels anything like me she feels worthless and completely unloved. So please, when the time is right, spend as much time and energy showing her she's wrong.
I wake up feeling hopeful. I feel positive. Then 1pm hits and I suddenly get hit with severe anxiety and sick to my stomach. Nothing has happened and it's hours before he will be home. This has been going on for days now. I'm not prone to anxiety attacks. It's not a good feeling.
I wake up feeling hopeful. I feel positive. Then 1pm hits and I suddenly get hit with severe anxiety and sick to my stomach. Nothing has happened and it's hours before he will be home. This has been going on for days now. I'm not prone to anxiety attacks. It's not a good feeling.
That wide range of emotions is normal and will continue to get worse until the divorce. I've heard many compare it to a wild ride, which, unfortunately it is. I found that as the time leading up to my divorce drew shorter, these "rides" became more severe, for lack of better word. Incredible sadness. Anxiety. You name it. And it happened at times when she was coming back or I was going to see her for some reason.
Ok, so if anxiety is hitting you at 1PM every day, start doing some yoga at 12:45 and immerse yourself and your focus on what you're doing. If you get anxious, just bring your mental focus back to your breathing and the poses. Always remember that, like a fire that can't exist without a continuous,uninterrupted supply of oxygen, panic can't exist without a continuous, uninterrupted supply of fearful thoughts.
Ok, so if anxiety is hitting you at 1PM every day, start doing some yoga at 12:45 and immerse yourself and your focus on what you're doing. If you get anxious, just bring your mental focus back to your breathing and the poses. Always remember that, like a fire that can't exist without a continuous,uninterrupted supply of oxygen, panic can't exist without a continuous, uninterrupted supply of fearful thoughts.
Truth. But much easier said than done. That ghost will always be there. The old saying is true - as time passes things do get easier. The trick is keeping that ghost away when it decides to haunt the place.
So H came home late from work tonight. I was working on a project with D at the table. He sat down and threw refinance papers at me and said can you afford that? And proceeded to discuss money for after we divorce. I was pleasant even though I was dying inside. I left the house for a little while but I'm having a really difficult time pulling myself back together.
This was a minor discussion and I still can't handle it.
Really thought about it. He's discussed this with his family. Even if he ever thought, maybe this is a mistake, I don't think he'd do anything about it. He wouldn't want anyone to think he was wrong. His parents and sister both divorced in the past year and have all moved on to other people. His mother thinks he's seeing this and thinking the grass is greener.
I know I'm new to this, but I'm hoping for a miracle. Just a small glimmer of hope
Not even awake 5 minutes and he's on me, telling me he has an appointment with the attorney next week. He wants us to use the same person and I said no.
I told him, I just can not afford this. I took out loans to pay off credit cards and things around the house from my 401k. It literally takes 1/2 my paycheck. So I told him, you have to pay half of that and I know you don't have that.
There was no emotion in my statement, just fact. He started screaming at me, if this is how your going to play it.. then said if you worked more than 30 hours we wouldn't be in this position.
He seems to forget the reason I work these hours was for our kids. I get them on and off the bus and I take care if all their activities. I'm busy, its not from laziness.
Anyway, when he started screaming, I said I'm not going to talk to you like this and walked away. I didn't do anything to deserve such animosity. He wants a divorce not because I'm not a good person or even that we don't get along, but simply because I don't fit the perfect person in his mind.
. He wants a divorce not because I'm not a good person or even that we don't get along, but simply because I don't fit the perfect person in his mind.
That sounds sooooooo familiar.
I told him, I just can not afford this. I took out loans to pay off credit cards and things around the house from my 401k. It literally takes 1/2 my paycheck. So I told him, you have to pay half of that and I know you don't have that.
Same here. Because of her being in the military, I was only able to keep a job no more than 2-3 years. So, each time I had to start practically at the bottom. Now, I'm supposed to pay for the house, medical, and all other bills plus feed the kids and all. And she's upset that I'm getting some of her retirement.
So H came home late from work tonight. I was working on a project with D at the table. He sat down and threw refinance papers at me and said can you afford that? And proceeded to discuss money for after we divorce. I was pleasant even though I was dying inside. I left the house for a little while but I'm having a really difficult time pulling myself back together.
He did that in front of your daughter? Wow.
Really thought about it. He's discussed this with his family. Even if he ever thought, maybe this is a mistake, I don't think he'd do anything about it. He wouldn't want anyone to think he was wrong. His parents and sister both divorced in the past year and have all moved on to other people. His mother thinks he's seeing this and thinking the grass is greener.
Of course he has. The decision to go down that road wasn't made yesterday - it was a while coming.
I could understand if i treated him badly, but that just wasn't the case. I'm not trying to take anything from him, just equal shares of responsibility.
In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how to keep him in my life. I'm trying but either I'm doing it wrong or it just isn't enough. Maybe I haven't given it enough time but he seems to be flying fast with getting the heck outta dodge, so I don't think I have much time left.
n the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how to keep him in my life. I'm trying but either I'm doing it wrong or it just isn't enough. Maybe I haven't given it enough time but he seems to be flying fast with getting the heck outta dodge, so I don't think I have much time left.
Unfortunately, you can't - that decision isn't up to you. He is on his own road, which only has room for him. Use this time wisely to take care of yourself. Not trying to be a downer, but the storm clouds are still gathering. Get some shelter.
Thank you, jeep. Not sure how to do that, but I'll try
Thank you, jeep. Not sure how to do that, but I'll try
Remember that DB'ing is counter intuitive.
The harder you try to squeeze a wet bar of soap the more slippery it is.
Let Go of him and Detach.
If the two of you are meant to be then he will come back,
if he doesn't then he was never yours to begin with.
That's very true, Cadet. One of my favorite sayings as a teenager, but putting it into practice hurts.
Somebody mentioned earlier the possibility of codependency. Finally read up on that and I'd say that is definitely me. Now to find a way to break that mold
Somebody mentioned earlier the possibility of codependency. Finally read up on that and I'd say that is definitely me. Now to find a way to break that mold
Join the club.
Most posters here are codependent, conflict avoiding, enablers.
It is a life long struggle to change.
First identifying the problem is good.
Most posters here are codependent, conflict avoiding, enablers.
I will agree to an extent. It's normal to go down that path when things like this happen and our world is turned upside down, even if we weren't codependent in the first place.
010207--
Sorry you're here in the forum. But welcome.
It's great that you refused to talk to him when he is angry. Keep that up. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment.
It seems both you and your H are very upset and volatile (especially he). That's how it was for me when the whole thing first blew up. I think things will settle and calm down a bit.
I hope you'll take a broad, wholistic view at yourself and the marriage. Your marriage has been unhealthy for a very long time, it sounds like. So it's not going to get better overnight. Like they say, this isn't a sprint. It's a marathon.
Funny that you say he's a weight lifter but he hates people looking for attention. Weight lifting seems inherently ... well, it's about looking a certain way, no?
Do you think he's having a midlife crisis?
Forgump, thamk you and it is entirely possible its MLC. Also possible that he is bipolar.
I took the be happy and treat him like a cashier to heart. Took my D shopping last night and then laughed and joked with the kids while he hid in the bedroom. He actually initiated a few normal conversations both last night and this morning with no comment about D. He even told me he was going to a friend's house tonight but wouldn't be gone long. This is new. He hasn't been telling me where he's going or talking about anything other than D for weeks.
Now, I don't think this was a miracle, but it was definitely a positive step. That's how I want to see it anyway
Did your H have a healthy childhood/upbringing? A supportive, happy family (then and now)?
I'll repeat the advice given all the time here in the forum: you can't change him. You can only change you. Focus on being a great person. A fun person. An interesting person. Take a long, hard, broad look at yourself and who you've become in the last twenty years, and take steps to fix what you don't like, and be more of what you do like.
For most of us here ... odds are really low that we'll save our marriages. But all the work you put into this will, hopefully, save your sanity and some of your heart, and make it a little better for our kids.
It sounds to me that you've allowed yourself to be kind of isolated. Can you revive some old friendships, cultivate some new ones and reconnect with good relatives? Having a good support network of caring people will help you weather the storms up ahead.
Check if your health insurance covers counselors. If so, I recommend spending some time to find a good one and get some individual counseling for yourself. Divorce and threats of divorce are extremely stressful. Counseling will help, esp. if your H has a serious condition like bipolar disorder. Some employers also offer counseling through a thing called "employee assistance program (EAP)", separate from health insurance.
He did have a "good" childhood. He was spoiled though and basically taught that looks matter more than almost anything else.
While each member of his family started divorcing he clung to me and said he was so grateful that was never going to happen to us. 1 year later and here I am.
I am trying to reconnect with people. I'm sure I'm not the only one here that can say this, but most of them are married. They don't understand what I'm going through and I honestly feel like I shouldn't be bothering them with my issues.
I know my employer has an EAP. Actually thought about looking up an attorney but hadn't considered the therapy through them. Thanks for the suggestion.
Went to neice's party tonight. So hard to keep a smile on my face while he is over the top happy. But I tried.
ForGump, you said try to be a fun person and be interesting. Suggestions on how to do that? I'm the nice person. I'm the one people turn to when they have problems or want a serious conversation. I'm the opposite of H who is the life of the party. I'm not a downer, but I am easily the person overlooked and forgotten about
"I'm not a downer, but I am easily the person overlooked and forgotten about"
It seems you diagnosed something that needs to change. This would be called a personal 180. You need to do it for you.
Kent
I don't think it's "being fun or interesting " in a way that is stepping out of who you are, but maybe back to who you were before trouble or even when you were married. It's not changing who you are, because if things don't turn out the way you want then you'll find resentment looking back at you if your "changes" were falsely done in the first place.
What did you used to like to do before? What are your hobbies? I found that groups related to my hobbies are awesome and a great way to step out of that box. The important thing to remember is that you can't change who you fundamentally are, but you can make small changes within yourself. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.
Keep your head up and keep driving forward. There is a reason the windshield is much bigger than the rear view mirror.
010207--
I wasn't suggesting you be someone who you are not. But I bet you can be fun and interesting in your own way. There are just so many different types of people. Speaking for me, I was never drawn to the life-of-the-party kind of people (nor body builders, to be honest). I like the thoughtful, introspective types who have something interesting to say.
In any case, I have realized during my time DB-ing that there were many ways in which I was holding myself back. Censoring myself. Limiting myself. You might not be party central, but maybe there are ways in which your inner voice, the inner joy, was repressed in your role as a wife and a mother?
Why do you think your H is manic? Does he have distinct manic phases? Late nights, full of energy and ideas?
I'm never the life of he party but here is a suggestion. You will be fun and happy when you are doing something that you love. Can you think of some of those things? Can you try some new things? I never thought I'd like coed group exercise but now I love it.
Manic? Yes. For months now. I actually joined a board for bipolar to get some perspective there too. This is not my first go round with his ups and downs, but this is definitely the longest and most severe time. He's acting as though he needs this done yesterday and I'm not sure our marriage will stay in tact long enough for him to come out of it this time, if in fact that's the cause.
Being with him since I was 15 and having the marriage that I have had, its hard to separate me vs us. I don't know what I like. I have never had independent interests which is a real problem.
But you are all correct, it's past time for me to find something for me. Just don't know where to begin.
I finished DR and now I'm going to read it again. Hopefully I can really learn and apply the principles.
Talk to your friends about local happenings, clubs, adventure groups. I used to sneak out to bookstores and hone my speed reading skills over a tall coffee. Do you enjoy hiking, bicycling, bird watching, alligator hunting? Pick something, pick everything.
But most of all, have fun!
But you are all correct, it's past time for me to find something for me. Just don't know where to begin.
Is there something that you have always wanted to try, but wouldn't?
My kids had plans yesterday so I went out to lunch with a family member. She asked me what was the matter with H. That she and other family members have noticed his complete behavior change. I had no answer.
I got so angry as I was sitting there thinking of how I have always done for them and never myself. So I left there and bought myself a cell phone. would you believe I never had one? My H does, my kids do, but not me.
He was angry by the time I got home and I don't know why so I'm not sure if it was a good thing or not.
His aunt called tonight to tell me that his father is apparently spreading the word that we're getting a divorce. He said he believes it's the grass is greener and tried to tell him that its not but doesn't think it worked.
I've lost 20lbs since this started completely from stress however I'm trying to build on that. Another 20 is what's neded. I've tried making sure my hair and makeup are always done and I'm dressed in a way he would normally like. Essentially I'm trying to do all the things he has issues with, without going overboard. I'm leaving the house shortly after to give the appearance at least of GAL.
So why does it seem like things are getting worse, not better? Not even the same. He isn't speaking to me AT ALL but I just feel like he is so angry.
His appointment with A is Thursday. I'm so scared. I don't have one. I can't afford one. I'm not even sure where he's getting the money to pay for his. I'm waiting for the money to disappear from our account and then I'll be short trying to pay the bills. But in his mind set, it would never even be a consideration. I've almost lost my house twice before during his manic times when he spends more than we make.
Am I on the wrong track?
in a way he would normally like. Essentially I'm trying to do all the things he has issues with, without going overboard.
I'm reading this as doing this to get his attention. Am I correct? If so, why?
Good for you on the phone! And no, you aren't on the wrong track. I suggest you do what you can to get one - even if its borrowing money. Protect yourself.
I am trying to get his attention. I want him to see me again. I feel like I'm an inanimate object in his eyes that can just be tossed away. It's like a light switch was flipped and there's this unclimbable wall between us. Just trying to figure out how to get to the other side.
Any idea what happens if one spouse doesn't get an A or can't afford one?
Ok, so I'm kind of just journaling here, but feedback is always welcome.
I found myself in an Ok place tonight. H previously had melanoma and can no longer tan which is a huge disappointment to him considering who he is. So of course tonight he asked for help putting on his self tanner.
I felt like I had a better chance of him seeing positive things if we were on positive speaking terms so I said since we're being decent to each other I feel I can tell you that this has to stop. This coldness between us isn't helping.
He agreed and said I don't hate you. I'm not even angry with you but you were mad and this is what happened. I told him I was hurt. He said I thought when we talked months ago you knew this was coming but looking back I know I left you feeling like we were going to work on things. And maybe I did work on it, but I realized that I'm 40 something and don't want to have the ups and downs in our marriage. I refrained from saying every marriage has them and just agreed instead.
I said some of the things I've written here using "I". I felt unworthy. I felt unwanted and i felt unloved. I got up every morning just to get through the day and this helped me realize that I'm better than that.
He said he knows and apologized if he played any role in that. He said he told me all the things that bothered him and since I didn't do anything to change for him, he felt unloved and as though he didn't matter enough to me to bother trying. I just nodded and listened.
He in fact did tell me, but in nasty ways and I was hurt and angry each and every time. Just another way I wasn't good enough. And he's right, I never made a real effort.
He finally said the ILBNILWY and that he firmly believes once it's gone, it's gone. We talked about some financial things and I asked if we could just postpone things for a few months to get our debt in order. He said no. After a few minutes I finally said I think I've had enough for one night we can talk some more later.
Part of me feels better, on a better footing. The other part is dying.
Any idea what happens if one spouse doesn't get an A or can't afford one?
In a nutshell? They lose. Sorry to be so blunt, but going up against a savvy lawyer without counsel will make it, well, almost impossible.
. And maybe I did work on it, but I realized that I'm 40 something and don't want to have the ups and downs in our marriage. I refrained from saying every marriage has them and just agreed instead.
Wow. My ex had this idea of what a marriage is supposed to be, and a good marriage doesn't include "ups and downs" in her eyes. Sounds a bit like what yours said. Ew.
He finally said the ILBNILWY and that he firmly believes once it's gone, it's gone. We talked about some financial things and I asked if we could just postpone things for a few months to get our debt in order. He said no. After a few minutes I finally said I think I've had enough for one night we can talk some more later.
Once again, his feeling is parroting my ex's. Interesting. His not wanting to postpone is concerning, to say the least. You can drag your feet, if need be. Don't let him dictate the circumstances.
Part of me feels better, on a better footing. The other part is dying.
It sounds like you are doing better - keep it up! We are all dying inside from this, some just choose not to admit it.
Much different attitude from H in the last 2 days and I'm not sure how to take it.
Yesterday morning he mentioned my weight loss. He said, in typical woman fashion, you lose weight and it's another man that will get to enjoy it.
Shortly after he left, he called me to talk about the weather of all things. An hour later I get a text asking if he could start texting me now. He sent me 7 texts throughout the day. Nothing significant or of consequence. Some just to tease about me having no knowledge of how to operate a cell phone.
Today I got a text asking me to ask my mom to watch the kids on Saturday. I have plans and apparently so does he. He made plans to go out with a couple of girls, some single. 1 happens to be a friend of mine which is how I know about it. I also know that it got cancelled. But his text said, it may be canceled but I want that to be from "him" not because I couldn't make it. Why lie? He hasn't before. In fact he told me about getting together with them, just not when.
The he came home at lunch time because D was sick so he picked her up from school. He actually waited to leave until I had my break from work. Again, no major conversation, more teasing and laughing about the cell phone.
At first I was excited. I thought these are positive steps. But is it really? Is he just happy because he thinks I'm ok with this and he can go on guilt free?
As far as I know, he still has an appointment with an attorney tomorrow.
This is a known unknown. There is no way of knowing what he's thinking. Is it possible that he's having second thoughts about divorcing? Not very likely, but maybe. It's more likely that being nice to you eases his sense of guilt.
Regardless, try best to not let it affect you. Wayward spouses are all over the place emotionally. They could take a positive step, then take two negative steps.
Wish you strength. You've got a long road ahead.
It's more likely that being nice to you eases his sense of guilt.
^This
Journaling.
The last few days have been "nice". Pleasant conversation about nothing. No D talk. He initiates all conversation and texts and I reply only when necessary.
2 nights ago, I couldn't sleep so I spent the night on the couch so as not to disturb him. He joked about it but seemed a little upset. Last night I went to bed early and he left the bedroom to the kitchen. Realized I left DR in my pocketbook so I went to the kitchen to get it. Of course he was texting so, completely against the rules I said you don't need to come out here and hide what you're doing. He was nice about it and said I wasn't and I'm talking to so and so and turned the phone to show me. Told him it didn't matter and I didn't care, just didn't want him to feel like he had to hide. He proceeded to put the phone away and went right to bed with me.
Several texts today. He knew I wanted to go clothes shopping and asked me not to go because of all the rioting and worried what could happen at a mall. When I said I'd think about it, I immediately got a response, if you decide to go, wait for me and I'll take you. All positive things, right?
I walked in on him getting dressed and had to walk back out. We've always had a really great sex life and I miss that so much. It's so painful not to be able to touch my H.
A few minutes later he tells me how he opened up several new bank accounts at a different bank. Such a little thing but so different from his usual self and it felt like a slap in the face.
I've been feeling ok the last few days. But I'm slipping back down again just from seeing him undress. I miss him
Your pain is palpable. It sounds like you're making some progress. Not that you want to hang your hopes on little responses from him -- to the contrary, the more you look for little responses, the more you set yourself up for a big fall. He's going to be all over the place. Be strong. Prepare yourself. Be great.
Thank you Gump. Your words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. Reading your thread, I know there is only so much you can prepare yourself for. But things sneak up on you and knock you back down. Hugs to you, my friend. I hope you're having a good day
Hi Chewie!
completely against the rules I said you don't need to come out here and hide what you're doing
I wouldn't say that's totally against the rules, although others may see it differently. You called him out on it, and in my book that's a good thing.
I walked in on him getting dressed and had to walk back out. We've always had a really great sex life and I miss that so much. It's so painful not to be able to touch my H.
Same here. I'd walk into the room and she'd cover up. Then, I'd just turn and walk out as you as time passed. It is/was very painful, but also showed a corner being turned. You are doing well, my friend.
A few minutes later he tells me how he opened up several new bank accounts at a different bank. Such a little thing but so different from his usual self and it felt like a slap in the face.
Several? I'm not liking this. You need to keep an eye on the money and make sure he isn't hiding it. Personal experience, here. Mine did it with an account that she had forgotten I was part of (I became co-owner right after marriage)...I suspected something was up when she started complaining about not having money, so I accessed the account and there it was. Since I am co-owner, all alerts I set on it go to my email alone...so I set everything to see money added/taken out, etc. And gave it all to my lawyer. Good times indeed.
I've been feeling ok the last few days. But I'm slipping back down again just from seeing him undress. I miss him
Of course you do, and no one would fault you for it. Time, the enemy and friend of us all.
I know there is only so much you can prepare yourself for. But things sneak up on you and knock you back down.
Yes, yes they do. That happened this weekend involving one of her family members.
Hi Jeep - sorry you hit a speed bump again this weekend. I hope it didn't last long and you were able to pick yourself back up.
I went out Saturday night and took my children out of state for a family party yesterday. I got all dressed up and made myself all perty. I felt good and knew I looked good! First time in years I've been able to say that. Until I saw pics afterwards and thought... hmmmm.... still need some work. lol Confidence issues anyone???
H played it cool, but I could tell he wasn't pleased I had plans. Because I was going out? Because it meant he couldn't? who knows.
He's texting me mundane things today. I'm not responding but I'm wondering if that's the best course of action? Is he trying to just keep in touch - open a dialogue? By not responding am I hurting more than helping?
Good that you're focusing on yourself for now. That's the road to becoming a healthy, attractive individual and a partner.
Photos are always ... disappointing. Everyone feels like he doesn't look the way he wants to. Which is why there are professional photographers, who can make a person look good. I bet if you felt good, it showed to people around you.
He's texting you because ... who knows!!! He's confused. Don't try to mind read. It will make you go all over the place. I drive myself nuts (and into fear and depression) trying to mind read, work myself into a frenzy anticipating my W's next move.
Think of the texts like ... coming from a good friend. How would you respond, esp. if you are kind of busy today? Probably not respond to every single text, but a couple, in a warm way but ... stay brief.
My two cents.
Hi Chewie!
It wasn't a speed bump, pre se, but more of what this family member of hers did. It didn't do anything more than stir some anger on my part. All I will say is that slandering on public forum is NOT awesome.
I went out Saturday night and took my children out of state for a family party yesterday. I got all dressed up and made myself all perty. I felt good and knew I looked good! First time in years I've been able to say that. Until I saw pics afterwards and thought... hmmmm.... still need some work. lol Confidence issues anyone???
Good for you! I can dig getting dressed up and making oneself look perty (I like that). I know how you feel on the pics. I have never liked seeing mine even though somehow I got a photogenic tag. You don't need any work at all!
H played it cool, but I could tell he wasn't pleased I had plans. Because I was going out? Because it meant he couldn't? who knows.
Don't read into it, and certainly don't give it a second thought.
He's texting me mundane things today. I'm not responding but I'm wondering if that's the best course of action? Is he trying to just keep in touch - open a dialogue? By not responding am I hurting more than helping?
I wouldn't worry about it, after all, why? If he were interested, you'd know it. Maybe he's just doing a slight tug on the line to see if the hook is still in.
Thanks Gump and Jeep! Your 2 cents are always welcome.
I find myself in a strange place tonight. H asked me this morning if I was still looking for a new job which tells me that D is still in the forefront of his mind. No texts at all today. I would be lying if I said I didn't keep checking.
I was kid less for the afternoon so I spent it going through DR and making some lists. Got a text from D stating H was going to a sports bar after work with a friend and not to make him dinner. You have had no problems texting me before but now your going through our child? Whatever. Part of me doesn't believe he's with who he says he's with, but I really didn't care either way.
Found myself wondering, why?? Why am I putting up with this BS? What is it that's keeping me here? H is a very clean person. 2-3 showers per day, almost always picks up after himself. Last several months he goes out of his way to do absolutely nothing. He leaves his garbage all over the place for me to pick up. Literally wrappers, cans and left out food all over the counter. He was the one to clean up after the dogs but hasn't in months. Would let the garbage over flow instead of taking it out. Several inches of sleet/slush accumulated last night. Instead of using the snow blower, he left it. S and I just spent an hour shoveling because of course he's not here.
My S is angry. Has been but tonight was bad. Not because he had to shovel but because I did (I've never shovelled in my life). When this 1st started he would say to me, who is this person? This is not my father, what is the matter with him? He feels like his father is a let down. I've heard him on more than 1 occasion recently say he wants to be nothing like his father. My heart breaks for him. He used to idolize his father and now he bears witness to the effed up mess!
If I'm awake when he gets home, I'll do my best to keep my mouth shut because I know tomorrow is a new day and I'll more than likely feel different. But tonight I'm angry and just reconsidering my position on things.
I'm thinking zombie apocalypse.
Drooling, staggering, with that zombie limp. Ok, I have a sick sense of humor.
Lol, I like it and needed the laugh. So thank you!
So H came home. Was not pleased to find out I had shoveled with S. Proceeds to ask why the kids were with my mom. I nicely said, because I also had plans for tonight that ended up being canceled. He said if you told me I wouldn't have gone out. I said I made sure I had someone to be with them when I made my plans. It wasn't intended to be a backhanded comment, but that's how it came out. He said the only person I have would be your mom too - I can't ask my family. I didn't say anything but felt like saying that isn't my problem. He then asked if I wanted to figure out schedules like every other weekend. I said we'll work it out, but in my head I was screaming No! These are my children! I spend every waking hour with them. I take them every where. I stay up with them when they are sick. My life with my kids cannot be reduced to this!
Then I thought H had gone to the bedroom for the night. I had just finished dinner while reading the blogs here. Left my tablet open while I went to rinse my dish. When I heard him coming, I left the water running and ran to close the tablet. Got to it just as he came around the corner so he saw me doing it. I know his curiosity is peaked as to what I was trying to hide. Fully expecting some snooping to start on his end.
My tablet and phone are password protected so I'm not really worried about that. Trying to figure out where to hide my DR book and journal. Would put them in my gun safe which is also password protected, but since its next to my bed and he's there, that's not going to work. How do people lie and cheat? This is a lot of work and I'm not even doing anything wrong
My tablet and phone are password protected so I'm not really worried about that. Trying to figure out where to hide my DR book and journal. Would put them in my gun safe which is also password protected, but since its next to my bed and he's there, that's not going to work. How do people lie and cheat? This is a lot of work and I'm not even doing anything wrong
Form experience you can hide the book an journal in an obvious easy to access place. It is usually the last place people tend to look. Lying and cheating come very easy when you are in a fog and do not care. It actually is half of the excitement. It is the thrill of the ride. But when you come out of the fog then you regret it.
Hi Chewie!
I didn't say anything but felt like saying that isn't my problem.
It isn't your problem. It's his bed, let him clean it off.
He then asked if I wanted to figure out schedules like every other weekend. I said we'll work it out, but in my head I was screaming No! These are my children! I spend every waking hour with them. I take them every where. I stay up with them when they are sick. My life with my kids cannot be reduced to this!
I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. I want every single minute with mine, too. I can't fathom how my ex is content with talking with them a few minutes a night and not asking to use her full allotted time. That's OK, though. It's becoming apparent in the children. And I hate that.
Fully expecting some snooping to start on his end.
Don't be surprised if it already is.
My tablet and phone are password protected so I'm not really worried about that. Trying to figure out where to hide my DR book and journal. Would put them in my gun safe which is also password protected, but since its next to my bed and he's there, that's not going to work. How do people lie and cheat? This is a lot of work and I'm not even doing anything wrong
Hey, I have one of those by my bed, too!
People lie and cheat when they don't care. Period. And, as some have said, it may even be part of the excitement. In my case, mine was so "in love" with him that was all she wanted, but she knew the consequences of getting caught before being divorced. Some seek the thrill, and some truly do not care. Either way, it's f***ed up beyond belief.
Ok so this is me asking for help.
#1, think I've been friend zoned. By my own stupid husband! God thats frustrating! Went to bed last night and he talked, told me who he was texting, what they were talking about and his plans for the weekend.
This morning he jumped on me about the mediator and money. He hasn't mentioned D in over a week. Tonight he came home rummaging through the mail. Apparently he opened a new credit card along with those new bank accounts and he's waiting to get it. Not only that but he applied for a large loan and got the money literally within hours. With the bills he's "planning " to pay it had to be at least $20,000.
Now I don't know if he's a WW, MLC or possibly bipolar. Spending large amounts of money is a symptom of bipolar, but he doesn't seem to be in mania anymore. He's very calm in his interactions with me and we haven't been out of the house together since New Years so I have no idea how he's behaving with others.
He sat at the table and said he was using some of the money to pay the mediator. I said I need to know the time frames you're working with so I can make plans. He said he's not in a rush, but plans to be gone by March. I said, if we are refinancing or selling the house, that is short time frame. At this point he started getting upset and saying if I would just get a new job it wouldn't put such a burden on him. He really believes his financial station in life is all my fault and when I'm gone he'll be swimming in it.
Cut to the end, mind you I had a calm business tone the entire time (small pat on the back) and said I understand that you have a new life and you want to get on with it. (Que the eye roll from H) But you made a commitment here first. I don't have the answers but we'll figure it out.
Then I walked away. I'm hurt, but not as much as I was before. Last week I would have been a sobbing mess. I don't want to lose my H but I think I'm preparing for it better. Financially I am a nervous wreck. I think it's time to call a lawyer which just puts another nail in the coffin for the marriage.
That all being said. I'm feeling lost. I know there must be more I can do. Things I'm doing wrong. I just am unsure how to proceed.
I've started GAL. I thought he was upset by this but he told my kids he didn't care.
I've done 180's. I've lost weight. I work out daily. I make sure I'm put together every day vs. hair in a ponytail and no make up
I've distanced myself so far that we rarely talk.
I don't snoop or ask questions. Hence the financial bomb drops.
None of these things are working. They actually seem to be backfiring. Suggestions please.
I feel I need to add, during all of this I have never expressed that I want to work on our marriage. He never asked. This came on so quickly that we went from a decent MR to not speaking overnight.
After his previous EA's I've told him that I will not fight for him. If he ever decided the grass was greener he could have at it. Guess he took me at my word.
We have always had a relationship where we talked openly with no filter so very often feelings were hurt. Usually mine. But I no longer feel I can talk to him or tell him I'd like to work on this.
Sounds awful. I swear just when I think my own situation is awful I see so many others experiencing such pain.
I'm sure others will pitch in some good advice here, but I'd suggest:
a) detach -- he's going to be all over the place; don't mirror it. Be warm, cordial, calm but detached. At the very least, for your own sanity.
b) keep working on being a great woman, someone that your H would be a fool to leave.
c) do some research on the divorce process in your state, to understand how things work. Get recommendations for a lawyer from people you know, and get an initial consultation so you have a basic idea of how your divorce would work. This will make you feel empowered. Just because you're studying this doesn't mean you have to take a hostile legal position. You can still aim for an amicable divorce (if that's what it comes to), while knowing what your rights are.
d) if you can, find a good therapist for yourself. This will help you get through the toughest times when you need support, when you need someone to talk to about various details you can't post here.
e) find ways to have some time for yourself. Either by yourself, or with a good, wise friend or two. You need that space to be able to think and feel.
f) think about what your boundaries are. If he's incurring debt or somehow jeopardizing your family's financial future, is that a boundary for you?
Sorry these are all pretty general. I don't have any clever ideas.
Hi Chewie!
#1, think I've been friend zoned. By my own stupid husband! God thats frustrating! Went to bed last night and he talked, told me who he was texting, what they were talking about and his plans for the weekend.
Ugh. Sorry to hear that. Who was he texting?
He sat at the table and said he was using some of the money to pay the mediator. I said I need to know the time frames you're working with so I can make plans. He said he's not in a rush, but plans to be gone by March. I said, if we are refinancing or selling the house, that is short time frame. At this point he started getting upset and saying if I would just get a new job it wouldn't put such a burden on him. He really believes his financial station in life is all my fault and when I'm gone he'll be swimming in it.
Some of the money to pay the mediator? Mine was only $200. Don't feel alone, mine blames me for financials, too.
Cut to the end, mind you I had a calm business tone the entire time (small pat on the back) and said I understand that you have a new life and you want to get on with it. (Que the eye roll from H) But you made a commitment here first. I don't have the answers but we'll figure it out.
Then I walked away. I'm hurt, but not as much as I was before. Last week I would have been a sobbing mess. I don't want to lose my H but I think I'm preparing for it better. Financially I am a nervous wreck. I think it's time to call a lawyer which just puts another nail in the coffin for the marriage.
Good for you on keeping things calm! See, you are doing much better! Good on ya! Yes, its time to call the lawyer. I bet your lawyer would find his current financial stuff very interesting. At least mine did.
None of these things are working. They actually seem to be backfiring. Suggestions please.
You know, mine did the same, too. Everything backfired. Everything. Everyone is different, so what works for some doesn't for others. In my case, the advice given here actually pushed mine further away - but then again it was her mental issues that led her to think that my 180s, GALing, etc., was me saying that I didn't give a damn about her, thus pushing her further away. Not sure if I'd have done the opposite if it would have worked.
You are on a good path. One foot in front of the other and don't look at the ground.
[quotedo some research on the divorce process in your state, to understand how things work. Get recommendations for a lawyer from people you know, and get an initial consultation so you have a basic idea of how your divorce would work. This will make you feel empowered. Just because you're studying this doesn't mean you have to take a hostile legal position. You can still aim for an amicable divorce (if that's what it comes to), while knowing what your rights are.][/quote]
I agree with this. Talking with my lawyer really, really opened my eyes. Do your research on lawyers - and the old axiom of what you pay for is what you get is very true.
This morning he's bouncing around the house singing. Made me want to punch him in the face. Obviously can't do that, but the fantasy was good for a second.
Gump, thank you. All ideas are welcome. I'm doing my best with detaching. I'm just feeling like maybe that's half my problem. Maybe he's looking for me to show that I want him here. That he's needed. I don't know.
As for being a woman only a fool would leave, my post title says it all. I have never been good enough. I still have emails from him apologizing for this. He knows no matter what I do, he wants the opposite or just simply more. I have to say, I am not perfect but I am a good person, a good mother and I was a damn good wife!
This money issue is becoming a boundary. If he pays the bills then ok. But if he doesn't or accumulates more debt, I'm done. My house was almost foreclosed twice before because of his spending during manic periods. I'm too damn old to keep going through that crap.
Morning Jeep. He was texting some guy. He's mentioned him recently but I don't know him so he must be a new friend. Probably another gym rat. Probably single. New friend wants to buy a pistol this week and go to the range with H. This had been our activity and now I'm being left in the dust.
Hi Chewie,
This morning he's bouncing around the house singing. Made me want to punch him in the face. Obviously can't do that, but the fantasy was good for a second.
I agree, that fantasy is good. I've thought about that numerous while the ex did the whole singing bit.
He knows no matter what I do, he wants the opposite or just simply more.
This struck me. Let me ask a difficult question. It almost seems as there is a comparison to someone/something. I can't put my finger on it, but its like he is comparing you to someone he put on a pedestal. Could this be true or am I reading it wrong.
Also, I'm seeing shades of my ex in him. How was his past?
He was texting some guy. He's mentioned him recently but I don't know him so he must be a new friend. Probably another gym rat. Probably single. New friend wants to buy a pistol this week and go to the range with H. This had been our activity and now I'm being left in the dust.
Gotcha. I need to get back to the range. Maybe this weekend when the kids are down there. Sending rounds downrange is ALWAYS helpful.
We were together so young that while he had other girlfriends, none would have left that kind of impression.
He was very close to his mother but now can't stand her. His childhood was good in the sense that his parents were there and treated him well. But his mother had an abusive childhood and her coping mechanism was to clean. To this day at any given time you could eat off her floor. Her home is more museum than livable. Footprint impression on her rug would throw her into a tizzy. There was no family or children time, it was all about her. She was always well dressed (think high fashion) and put together. During their almost 40 year marriage, her H never saw her without makeup even when they went to bed.
I think H has always had a hard time separating the fact that his parents had money and we don't. It's a hard adjustment. So he lays the blame at my feet.
Depending on the day, he wants a woman who is a fitness model (not me), or a tatted up girl with piercings and dyed hair (also not me). Sometimes he wants the girl next door - me.
My background is different. I didn't come from money and have no expectations. I make due with what I have. My family is very kid oriented and so my focus is on them. its very hard to be around his family, they would completely forget the children entirely if I wasn't there.
His complaints to me since this started is that he feels trapped.
We got together too young and he wouldn't make the same choices now.
I work from home, which he hates.
I don't make enough money and he's tired of carrying the load. We could have had so much more if I would have done better.
While my house is picked ip and "clean", I have 3 kids and 2 dogs so it's definitely not his mother's house. Which is also an issue I think.
He hasn't yet made any comments about my appearance, but I already know that's an underlying issue.
I can only fix so much.
I'd like to go to the range too, but I've never gone by myself and quite honestly, I'm afraid to. He knows more than I and if I have a problem, he always fixed it.
PS, as for the mediation costs? My understanding is its about $3500
Chewie,
So my idea about the pedestal was just thrown out the window! Haha. Won't be the last!
So, that has me thinking - I wonder if it somehow is related to his mom. Cleaning, makeup, well dressed. Something is giving this never good enough idea. Something.
Depending on the day, he wants a woman who is a fitness model (not me), or a tatted up girl with piercings and dyed hair (also not me). Sometimes he wants the girl next door - me.
There are some theories on this that I won't post on here. Haha
My family is very kid oriented and so my focus is on them. its very hard to be around his family, they would completely forget the children entirely if I wasn't there.
I can relate very much so to this.
While my house is picked ip and "clean", I have 3 kids and 2 dogs so it's definitely not his mother's house. Which is also an issue I think.
See above on Mom.
You shouldn't be trying to fix anything concerning him. Only you, remember? And only you for you and no one else.
I'd like to go to the range too, but I've never gone by myself and quite honestly, I'm afraid to. He knows more than I and if I have a problem, he always fixed it.
What do you shoot? Maybe you'll find that going by yourself is what you need to do.
PS, as for the mediation costs? My understanding is its about $3500
WHAT???
Is that including lawyer fee? I have never heard of a mediator costing that much.
"There are some theories on this that I won't post on here. Haha"
Ok, so that was NOT helpful! Lol. You know the librarian fantasy? My H was lucky in that department. He can't complain in this area so if that's where you were going I'm just going to have to knock that one down too. Lol
Could it be related to his mom? Absolutely. But what can I do about that? Honestly I am fixing me for me, but I can see substance in some of what he's saying.
The mediator is an attorney. So maybe that's why?
Chewie,
It's kind of like how they say divorced people go wild after their "freedom." Just think along those lines.
The mediator is an attorney. So maybe that's why?
That's a ton of money. Maybe if you factored in your own atty's cost, then yeah. But if it the 3500 is just for the mediator (maybe I misunderstood), then that's batshit crazy. If, and if, it took 8 hours, that's 438 an hour. Wow. What if it only took 1 or 2? Ridiculous money. Our mediator charged each of us $250. And that was for all day. And she was a retired judge/lawyer. Good grief.
Sorry, I missed the last part. Right now I have an SR22. And typical of 22's, I occasionally have problems that he fixes for me. I want an MP Shield but I don't see that in my budget for a while.
Sorry, I missed the last part. Right now I have an SR22. And typical of 22's, I occasionally have problems that he fixes for me. I want an MP Shield but I don't see that in my budget for a while.
Nice. Never have shot one, though. Is that M&P a 9? Looks like a good gun, but no experience. I would like to get another HK 45 that was stolen. Awesome gun. Love it almost as much at my 1911.
You sound like a great Mom and a partner. When I encourage you to be a great person only a fool would leave, I don't mean conform to your H's warped views. I mean be great in the way you want to be.
It sounds to me like your H had a difficult, if not emotionally traumatic, upbringing; what with the mother being obsessed with having a sterile house. That kind of extreme obsession is likely to translate into a lack of emotional warmth for the kids in the house, and volatility.
You know the librarian fantasy?
... and the girl/man next door...
That's what's real. That's real life. All of the other stuff is teenage (and mid-life crisis) fantasy.
It sounds to me like your H had a difficult, if not emotionally traumatic, upbringing; what with the mother being obsessed with having a sterile house. That kind of extreme obsession is likely to translate into a lack of emotional warmth for the kids in the house, and volatility.
I read that, too. Seems that a lot of our ex's and all suffer from a less than stellar childhood.
It's been a few days since I've last posted. Not a lot has changed.
H still pushing for me to keep the house. I think more to appease his guilty conscience. There are days when he's a Chatty Cathy and then the next he's glacial. I can't ever predict the person he's going to be on any given day.
I had my first A appointment. That was really difficult. It's so difficult to actually look someone in the eye and tell them my H wants a D. I failed. I realize that's wrong, but it is how I feel. It was sad to hear my almost 20 year marriage broken down to dollar figures. He said, it's all numbers now. Maybe to him, but it's so much more than that to my family.
I think I've reached the acceptance part of the process. I'm doing well with detaching. H goes out and I'm not really bothered by it. I'm no longer wondering where he is or with who.
My MIL sent me a message that broke me. Basically said she hoped we would/could have worked it out. She has watched for years and knows how good I was to him and hated how he treated me. She said she wasn't blind to it but she had her own issues to deal with. Then told me I would always be family, SHE wasn't divorcing me.
I find myself still overly emotional about it today. I'm losing half my family. I'm losing what could have - should have been. Dreams. Plans. A future. I was doing well.... today not so much
I'm right there w/ you on the hurt & the pain....
I'm sorry Gump, was just reading your thread. I sincerely hope you find whatever peace you can wherever you can. Today s**ks, but I know it will get better
I too thought I accepted certain things... then something would happen and I'd feel like my heart is being ripped out again. Hurting takes time, a long time, and healing takes times, a long time. Sometimes I do feel like I could just lie down and not wake up. But those moments pass, and I remember what joy my kids bring me, and there are things I still want to do in this life -- not the least of which is to be with someone great again.
But yes, I feel beat up by life, and that heart just can't stop remembering all that it felt for my wife. I need a heart transplant to forget.
Hi Chewie!
H still pushing for me to keep the house. I think more to appease his guilty conscience. There are days when he's a Chatty Cathy and then the next he's glacial. I can't ever predict the person he's going to be on any given day.
There is a reason he wants to keep the house and you need to find it. Would you be able to afford it without anything from him. That's first and foremost. I never could predict the craziness from my ex, either.
I had my first A appointment. That was really difficult. It's so difficult to actually look someone in the eye and tell them my H wants a D. I failed. I realize that's wrong, but it is how I feel. It was sad to hear my almost 20 year marriage broken down to dollar figures. He said, it's all numbers now. Maybe to him, but it's so much more than that to my family.
The initial lawyer appointment is second toughest (the toughest is when things are finalized. How on earth did you fail? Ridiculous statement is ridiculous. You didn't - HE DID. Period.
I find myself still overly emotional about it today. I'm losing half my family. I'm losing what could have - should have been. Dreams. Plans. A future. I was doing well.... today not so much
Yeah, I'd like to say it gets easier. It does, just not in the timeline we want. And for some, it never does.
How close are you to 20 years? I'm past 20 years and I found out in my state that 20 years is the statutory magic number at which point I will pay alimony for the rest of my life. I hope your H is not trying to save himself money by rushing the D before your 20 year anniversary.
Why is he pushing you to keep the house? How does he benefit from taht besides his guilty conscience? What do you want? Spend time thinking about that. Don't let him dictate the terms of your D.
Hugs, Gump! The road we travel is bumpy. I hope it gets smoother. I'm sorry you hurt. Those good days will eventually come more often - with less bad days. I have to keep telling myself this too. I know it's true - it's just not always easy getting through the bad days.
Jeep and Gordie - I know my H and can tell you his reasons. His family is all about appearances. So, if my kids and I don't get put out on the street - well that looks better for him. Yeah, he moved on, but he took care of his family - what a good guy. The other reason is he could just walk away. Whatever "mess" is left isn't his responsibility anymore. Example - if a pipe is leaking - not his issue. He could leave everything and I could just be his free storage facility. This was our fight this morning so I know where his head is at.
As for what I want.... not sure it matters. I want to keep my house. If I could refi - then I would be able to do it, but only because of child support at this point. But my budget would be super tight. All those extra's my kids are used to would be completely out the window. This is part of what I am finding so hard about this entire thing. My kids are going to suffer. I hate that.
May would be 20 years, Gordie. In my state - alimony is half the length of time of marriage. There's no way for him to complete it before because it's a 4 month process after I've been served - start to finish unless one of us drags it out. However, I'm not sure I'll ask for alimony. He's offered to give me the equity from the house. so if I keep it - then I'll let him off the hook. If I have to sell it, then this may be crass, but I'll take everything I can get considering most of the equity will go to the realtor. I'm angry now.
Hi Chewie!
As for what I want.... not sure it matters. I want to keep my house. If I could refi - then I would be able to do it, but only because of child support at this point. But my budget would be super tight. All those extra's my kids are used to would be completely out the window. This is part of what I am finding so hard about this entire thing. My kids are going to suffer. I hate that
Maybe get a more affordable place? That way, with support the kids would still be in a more comfortable spot.
However, I'm not sure I'll ask for alimony. He's offered to give me the equity from the house. so if I keep it - then I'll let him off the hook.
The equity would come out to be much less, no? If so, why are you letting him off the hook? Oh, I'm right there with you on the anger as mine is a piece of work.
PA confirmed when her fiancee called me. Two families destroyed because of 2 very selfish people.
I've spoken to the fiancee a couple of times. I've actually encouraged DB advice without mentioning where it came from. I feel bad for him because this is fresher for him than for me and his children are very young. I find myself going down that slippery slope again. Listening to the fiancee telling me how perfect she is, basically all the things WH wants, just simply drives home my own imperfections.
My rose colored glasses are off. I see my R for what it was and know that in the end, he's probably doing me a favor. It's just learning how to pick up all the broken pieces thats so hard.
I'm so sorry you got this news. I can imagine how painful it is to hear.
Listening to the fiancee telling me how perfect she is, basically all the things WH wants, just simply drives home my own imperfections.
She's not all that perfect if she's engaged to someone and is sleeping with someone else's husband with kids at home.
You've got loyalty and heart. You can't just put that on by getting a membership at the gym.
p.s. Re: child support -- there is absolutely no shame in getting child support and using it to support your household. I hope you'll talk to an accountant or a financial planner to figure out some options.
You've got loyalty and heart. You can't just put that on by getting a membership at the gym.
What?
Hi Chewie!
Sorry that you are dealing with that. It seems like yesterday when the OM's wife called me to break the news to me...the day after Christmas, 2016. Same boat. Two families destroyed. And I believed her lies.
I've spoken to the fiancee a couple of times. I've actually encouraged DB advice without mentioning where it came from. I feel bad for him because this is fresher for him than for me and his children are very young. I find myself going down that slippery slope again. Listening to the fiancee telling me how perfect she is, basically all the things WH wants, just simply drives home my own imperfections.
Can be therapeutic to talk with him. Just be careful. The slope of fault will always be slippery. Always.
My rose colored glasses are off. I see my R for what it was and know that in the end, he's probably doing me a favor. It's just learning how to pick up all the broken pieces thats so hard.
Removing the glasses is the hardest thing of all...and the most painful. You'll get those pieces picked up - they'll go back in a different order, but back nonetheless.
Was trying to say that the OW might look pretty on the outside but if she's having an affair, she's not so pretty on the inside. In contrast, 010207's got loyalty and heart. The OW can't get those qualities by working out more at the gym.
Was trying to say that the OW might look pretty on the outside but if she's having an affair, she's not so pretty on the inside. In contrast, 010207's got loyalty and heart. The OW can't get those qualities by working out more at the gym.
Gotcha. You'll have to excuse the brain fart. Haha
I read here more often than I post. Following along other people's journey and finding myself going through the same wave of emotions.
I spoke with a friend tonight who is going through a separationqqq too only she's the WAW. After talking with her and reading some things here, I'm getting to a place of understanding H. Sort of.
You spend years with someone feeling they aren't listening or maybe just not speaking your love language. You start building that wall and maybe losing respect. It no longer matters what they say, you don't respect their opinion. And of course, your spouse is supposed to say those things so maybe it means less. In steps OW, in my case, who says or does the same thing, but it matters more. It gives H that good on top of the world feeling. Validating his self worth. While it in no way justifies the action, on some level I get it.
I know he's still planning to move forward because he mentioned it again last night, but he's doing things he hasn't done in months. Lots of little inconsequential things that mean absolutely nothing and yet it's different. I try not to read into because in the end I'm not sure it matters anymore. But I still wonder why?
OW's fiancée asked to get together for coffee. I'm not sure this is in anyone's best interest so I've put him off. Most days I'm in an OK place. I try not to dwell on it and I feel like meeting with him will pull me down again.
Gump, thanks for the kind words. Unfortunately those things only matter to some and apparently not the man I married.
I meant to ask, when do you start drawing a line in the sand? And how do you accomplish it without seeming vindictive.
H still acts entitled to things a wife would do - cooking his dinner, going clothes shopping for him, laundry among other things. I'm not trying to create additional tension, but I no longer feel this is my responsibility either.
An affair is a drug hit. Your H might feel high now, but he'll eventually feel empty.
What inconsequential little things is he doing?
People in the forum encourage you to think about your boundaries, and set them firmly. It has a little different connotation than drawing a line in the sand. It's not about giving an ultimatum or doing something to affect or control your spouse's behavior. It's about defining what your principles are, and setting boundaries to protect your own dignity, feelings, and well-being.
For example, if you want to stop cooking and cleaning for him because you hope you'll send a message or alter his behavior, that's not what setting a boundary is. But if you believe cooking and cleaning for him at this point, given what he's done, somehow crosses a line for you, it violates your dignity, respect and well-being, then you stop doing it.
Also, boundaries are enforced not through commands, ultimatums or threats. You just do what you have to do to keep your boundaries.
That's my understanding. Probably best to think long and hard about it before you act upon it.
H still acts entitled to things a wife would do - cooking his dinner, going clothes shopping for him, laundry among other things. I'm not trying to create additional tension, but I no longer feel this is my responsibility either.
I made the mistake of keeping doing things for her even when I felt it wasn't my responsibility. So I stopped. Did she notice? Yeah, but it didn't make any difference.
That's the thing, Gump. I'm not doing anything in the hopes of changing him. I think I'm passed that.
I'm a nurturer by nature. I bend over backwards for people, especially H. I'm having a hard time breaking that habit. I have no issues with cooking and cleaning, it's what needs to be done. But asking me to help cut his hair, help with his tanning crap while he stands butt naked in front of me or buying him new clothes so he can look nice for his girlfriend is really beyond what I think I can handle anymore. I feel like telling him, you have someone else..... go to her. However, I don't feel like instigating and I worry putting my foot down will look more like an act of retribution since it's not my character.
As for the things he's doing...
Even prior to BD, he rarely ate my dinners even if it was something he asked for. Always too many carbs or fat or not enough protein. He'd make his own meal and eat somewhere else. Now he eats everything I make and sits with us faithfully every day.
He's starting to pick up after himself again and hasn't done that in months.
Last night he offered to take the garbage to the curb, also hasn't done that in months.
Prior to BD, he was asleep by 9:30. After BD he was up all hours of the night. The last couple of weeks he seems to wait for me. He doesn't talk to me, there is no touching of any kind, but he's up until I go to bed at which point the TV and lights immediately go off.
After BD, he started working even more than before. 14+ hour days plus extra on Saturdays's. This past week he comes home at normal time and was a bit offended when I asked him why he was here. Guess that didn't come out right when I asked.
I know these things mean nothing but they are a change in his recent behavior.
I'm ready to get my life back. Figure out who I am and want to be and become her.
I'm not Gump
Lol, no your not Jeep. I was responding to Gumps post.
Ps. I wrote on your post but its not there.. weird