Wow how to summarise my current mess.
We've been together 4 years and have two children each.
Our happiness, company, enjoyment, kids, humour and interest as are all great. Sex is, has always been, amazing for both of us and we have lots of it.
I (F 39) committed financial infidelity in April last year against my partner (m, 36)
I took Out a loan and a credit card and spent it all on rubbish mostly. I paid for him to attend a foreign sporting event (flights hotel etc) which was the biggest purchase.
Thank fully I have a some money due to me that will pay most if not all of the loan/ credit off.
My partner found out about the loan and got excessively drunk for 3 Months until. he could no longer stand it and rented a house. He was planning on staying here til after xmas for the kids but was struggling syakngvhe had no feelings left for em etc then went on another 2 day drink bender just before xmas so I kicked him out.
He was in total shock at my move as I always compromise in disagreements etc but I drew my line in the sand and he crossed it. We met to talk and I even told him I was going to go see a f**k buddy so that I could never get back with him as sexual infidelity would cross the line for us most definitely.
Since then he has totally changed and tried being as close to me as possible. He's no longer not feeling empty towards me, he's jealous of attention I 'might' get off other men,he's texts me daily, makes excuses to come round and was basically here for over two weeks with only 2 nights at his new house. (Rental) he was making moves to build our relationship.
He found out about the credit card This week and obviously is devastated.
He's told me that we're definitely done now and so I packed up his kids stuff to take to his new house (I was holding off doingtbhat as I didn't want to do it) and he's got worse again- like needing em, making sure we have loads of great sex, cuddling me, promising to phone and making plans to do stuff together- cinema, trip to the seaside etcsleeovers here with his kids etc.
He told me he loves me and not just during sex etc - he's kissed me on the head in his loving way too a lot.
We love each other and if I could wave a magic wand and get rid of what I've done to hurt him and us I would.
He is so hurt and I've apologised and will keep apologising.
I've follwo d advice form on here.
And I've set up a bank account to pay off the debts until my money comes to clear it that I've given him control of.
I've let him have a key back for this house and he's given me money to 'save' for him in this house - which is a test I think?
I don't know how to proceed. We want each other and have to build trust with him before he decides its too much trouble to work at??
I don't think this is lost yet but I'm not sure?
I still don't know why I took the liana nd credit card out. I wasn't leaving him or being horrible. I was depressed after leaving a job I lived and getting a job I hated. But everything was really good otherwise.
Any advice is appreciated. I have summarised a LONG story so please let me clear up anything hats not clear.
Welcome to the board
Sounds like your marriage has lots of communication and control issues.
So I am understanding that he is walking away due to your financial infidelity?
Is he an alcoholic?
Do either of you attend AA or AL Anon?
Hello,
I wasn't 100% sure which section to post in and apologies for the random grammar and autocorrect misspellings! I was a bit tearful while typing it out.
Neither of us are alcoholics although he did use booze and boys nights out as an escape for a few months.
- I guess my post was a bit long winded and unorganised- sorry everyone.
Yes he feels he has to leave due to my idiotic financial infidelity. Not that he wants to, that he should... partly because he's feeling stupid for not spotting it..partly because he told his family about the Loan (not the credit card- he says he can't and won't tell people about the that because he'll just look idiotic having contact with me)
On an aside- he says he can't stand people (his family and s few work colleagues probably) bad mouthing me because he doesn't like people saying bad stuff about me.
I've offered control of a secondary bank account so he can control the loan re-payments. I did it to build trust and for transparency.
Him finding out about the credit card has only happened this week so it's still very raw but instead of going further away from me like he did before I kicked him out - he's clung closer to me despite saying we should split up now. He said the day after finding out about the credit card that he wouldn't let himself fall in love with me again. He was close to me, talking quietly and nearly crying. Not angry. I said- I think we're both still in love with each other, it's just now we have to build barriers from each other.
He's finally been very open about certain feelings. For example, we were sitting next to each other on the sofa last night and our toes HAVE to touch on the footstool. We have always been a touchy (holding hands, resting body parts on each other) type of couple though. So he says - why can do I want to touch you, why does it feel right, why do I not hate you, why do I feel so connected to you?
This is in complete contrast to before xmas before I kicked him out because he said he felt empty back then and I was trying to convince him that there must be a spark left inside him for me. But it wasn't until I acted differently (kicked him out) that he seemed to wake up to me.
And yes, some people might think it's all about getting a bit of sex, but he's not like that at all, he has to be in love to have sex.
Ive checked that he wasn't like this with his ex wife- you know wanting to go for drinks out, meals out, sex, trips away etc... and he wasn't - he said he had no desire to spend anymore time with her. Not like me.
I'm scared he's clinging to me because he can't say goodbye (true) but most scared that I'll be totally in love with him and he'll find happiness in his new home away from me. I suppose I'll never know unless I let him.
Any attempt I make to push him away - like when he's talking about his hurt he feels- I've said right well then you need to be away from me, let me help you with that, I'll keep away from you. - he backtracks and doesn't want to parted from me.
I suppose the coming days/ weeks will show more about his intentions. If he behaves like he did over xmas period- wanting to be with me as much as possible then I think I'll know he's trying to be together.
If he manages his days and only sees me when my ex husband has my children (basically when there's an empty house) I'll feel used and have to end it.
If he doesn't try to be here like over the xmas period (everyday) and comes both when my children are here and not then I think we'll be on dodgy ground and drift apart.
I hate playing games.
But I'm going to have to to ensure he keeps his interest aren't I?
... I've been going out on far more girls nights out than before and he always wants to taxi me home to make sure I get home 'safely'
One night out I refused a taxi from him and he just turned up at my house and walked in! He was mega jealous thinking someone was here with me. (Not) he apologised later.
I've joined my old gym and even that makes him jealous. He's never been a jealous man really. Or if he has he's kept it well hidden.
I reply to his texts, rarely initiate them and don't leave my texts open for him to reply easily (eg by asking a question) so if he replies it's because he wants to. He pulled me up in this last night- saying my texts aren't like before - he actually said I don't make it easy for him to reply to me- and yet he still finds a way...??!!!
Weds night he had his children and was on call with work. He rearranged his work so that he wasn't on call and his mum had his kids then within half hour of sorting that and him getting back to his house he'd text me asking if I feeling ok. And then asking to come round. I initially said I'd be ok but then said if he wanted to come round and thought he could chill out and relax he was welcome. And he instantly replied with 'on his way'...
Last night he said he loved me - this morning he said and showed he loved me- and I still can't ask him what his intentions are can I?
I have to leave him to make his mind up don't I?
He only has 4 months left on his tenancy and in 2 months he will have to decide whether to renew the lease for another six months or not. So I don't know if it's unrealistic but I hope to know more in two months as to whether we have a future or not. I can't let this drag on forever.
Sorry for the length of this and I have more to tell too ...
I think I am going to move your thread to newcomers and once it is there I will post my normal welcome post, be sure to read the pursuit and distance thread.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thank you for putting me in the right place xxx
While he's interested in spending time with me I shouldn't go dark should I? Weve tried spending time apart but we always want to see each other. And not just for sex. Since he's been kicked out he's only slept in his new house 4 nights (including tonight) and that's over 3 weeks. Only one night of those was actually his choice not forced on him through having his kids if you get me.
He's only been gone a couple of hours and been busy (Called into work/ went shopping) but he text to see how I was (despite him feeling and being the inhjured party) then he sent me a photo of something in the shop (related to a joke we'd had) and ended the message with a kiss
He's avoided kisses on the ends of texts- seems petty but he has - my ex husbands accidently put a kiss on the end of a text to me yesterday which me and current partner giggled about - and that when he brought up the 'you put a kiss on the end of a text to me- was that an accident?' It was not so I said so
Then today I get one
Hello Origina,
I'm glad Cadet moved your thread to Newcomers. More people will see it and be able to offer support.
Is the loan/credit card the only thing he is upset about? Which lead to the drinking and ultimately you asking him to leave? Is that it in a nutshell? What other things have caused trouble in your relationship?
It sounds like you really got his attention by asking him to leave. He seems receptive to piecing things back together, but how?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I must say thank you for the links too!
I really appreciate this help.
I've read a fair few posts and I'm struggling with how to balance different techniques specifically to my relationship.
At the moment- He's pursuing me (despite being hurt and choosing to keep his rental house ticking over)) and I've distanced myself a bit. I don't text him (only reply) I don't invite him over, I bought underwear and bedding etc (intrigues him) and signed back up at the gym. Etc
Except when he's pursued me and is spending time with me- i stop distancing myself as much - I cook us a meal we sit on same sofa and we have sex, not in that order- and the sex is outstanding, I don't always 'give in' to sex easily either. I know he's trying to keep me sexually satisfied because he doesnt want me looking else where (I never would I only mentioned using a f@@k buddy to show him I could switch off from him) but that one thought has driven him wild with jealousy.
I want to ask him to if he can forgive me if he's telling me he feels all these things towards me- but I can't can I? If he has a bad day tomorrow he'll think everytime he kisses me I'll think we're back together so it'll push him further away won't it??
I still need to play it really cool don't I
Keep up the distance (but is it ok to stop caring a bit distant to reward his pursuit of me?)
Thank you Christy.
It is only the loan/ credit card that's causing this- he was so upset about the loan that he HAD to leave - he was empty and couldn't see a future- he prepared a house to rent and we decided to end it after xmas for the kids sake- he couldn't cope and after staying out for two days on two different xmas work parties without prior agreement- I'd had enough and kicked him out (pile of clothes in car and changed locks) he was incredibly shocked. I'm a sorter outer I like to sort problems but not that time. It was totally against my character kuvkingbhim out instead of fighting for him.
That was the Friday on the Saturday he came to talk to me between 8 and 9 pm to discuss how to separate and he basically pursued me ever since. Then tues he found out about the credit card (stupidly I thought I could keep it hidden and sort it) and said he SHOULD definitely leave me now but has spent two days saying how In love he is with me and how he wants to be near me touching me talking having fun. Just stroking my arm or staring at my face. (Date like times)
So otherwise we are really good- we've had ups and downs because we're both divorcees from emotionally absuive exes- but we've got through it.
In the past if I've had a problem I've written it down to stop an argument. He doesn't like the letters but it calms us and now he says he's going to write me one. This seems positive. He says it's not all negative crap as well.
I have more to tell too ...
So is there more to tell?
I just meant with the way he's being with me. More examples etc
It's like I've managed to get him to chase me and be interested in me again but I can't seal the deal.
Maybe I'm too impatien wanting too much too soon.
I just meant with the way he's being with me. More examples etc
It's like I've managed to get him to chase me and be interested in me again but I can't seal the deal.
Maybe I'm too impatien wanting too much too soon.
DB101 is patience.
Have you read the books?
Not yet.
I've only just joined the forum. Been reading the posts and Just found out about the books.
I really struggle with patience.
I know I must change - maybe that will be my testing 180
I've managed quite a few 180's quite naturally that have made him chase me
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I doubt it's just the loan. You guys have a bigger issue of not communicating correctly out of fear. You mention both of you were married previously. How long was each marriage and what were the causes of the breakups?
We both met much older partners at age 21. Both partners were emotionally abusive and selfish. We both decided to end our previous marriages of 12 and 14 years (me). We talked, cried, argued, upset each other and resolved our differences and worked together on our divorces together. It was hard doing that as a couple but it wasn't constant and the vast majority of our time was spent having fun.
I know it's hard to believe but if you took the Loan and me hiding it and him findign out about it out of the picture we would have been incredibly happy. We'd decided to get married (date was sept and it was booked) then this year we were trying to emigrate to Australia.
His ex wife racked up loads of debts (not like me secretly) but by bullying him into it and more debts for a lavish lifestyle then cut her work hours etc. I know he can't cope very well emotionally with debt because he's still tied into some debts with her.
I do not have one reason for taking out the loan secretly. I always thought I could sort it out without him finding out.
My excuses are I'd finished a job I loved and started one I hated. I did feel really depressed about it and actually mourned my last job. Sounds daft but true.
I remember wanting some money which I knew was coming to me but I couldn't get my hands on any sooner and then getting the Loan. It is all such a hazy blur like I'm blocking my actions out. I was always so careful with money previously.
But yes. This is enough (my lie about money) to send him over the edge.
We always keep discussions private but I involved his mum becaus eif his drunkjnga nd he feels so ashamed of his drinking and his parents knowing about the lain that he couldn't cope before xmas.
Well I agree with Mr Bond that there are more issues,
communications and trust are at least two of them.
I am also wondering if more is not going on that we don't know about.
Who earns the money between the two of you and who decides how it is spent?
Why did you kick him out of the house if you were the one that was wrong?
And why did he willingly go?
We both earn and we both decide how it's spent (normally)
Before xmas he was the one who was totally switched off due to finding out about the loan, called the wedding off etc he was so hurt because normally I'm mega sensible with money. It wasn't a nice time at all. We were avoiding each other and tense all the time.
He seemed absolutely set on leaving. I didn't stop him renting a house but he agreed that for the kids sake he'd leave after xmas.
He was so upset over the loan (I know some divorcees are going through much worse but to him a secret loan is akin to a sexual affair) and he couldn't cope, got really drunk on works xmas party and stayed out two days.
I was furious he'd decided not to cone home and so basically broken the agreement to stay til after xmas and I decided if he wanted that bl@@dy rental house so much he could sod off and live in it. I changed the locks and kicked him out. His behaviour was shitty during Nov and beginning of Dec enough to make me believe we were through.
He didn't willingly go. I didn't give him a choice.
And he's been here every night since except for 4 nights
Oh I took the Loan out in joint names - -- a key bit of info I didn't include reading back
Why I did it in joint names is beyond me- why I f Don't stop and say whoa it's been approved but I didn't ask him let's stop it - I really don't know - it's like a bad dream
I do agree we have trust and communication issues.
So last night was a night away. He's had his kids and slept at his rental.
He text again mentioning the custard joke.
So we rallied quite a few texts back and forth about sex and what we'd like to do
I stopped after a few cos it was just getting filthy and I couldn't see and end to those types of texts
I broke my own rule and sent him a im going to try to sleep now text and I'm not pestering I'm just checking you're ok
His reply was a bit too diplomatic for my liking
I replied saying I didn't mean it like that and I wish we'd just talked about custard
So that set a few jokey texts flying back and forth
Then we stopped
And then half hour later he sent me a picture of him nude in the bath
(I don't do nude photos)
So a few more texts about sex got sent - playful and fun
I ended it although I didn't want to after he sent a text saying I'm going to book a hotel so we can do our extra rude sex in there
Be put- ok then night x
And I sent a photo of a favourite seaside resort- no text
He named it
I said yep
Then sent a photo of a hotel we want to try
He said he's going to bookbit and surprise me
I don't know whether I should allow these texts back and forth when he's not with me?
In all this I forgot to mention. Tues he found out about the credit card and he went into that automatically cancelling a day trip away mode. His couldn't sell the tickets we have to the first person he tried and said he's not going on a booze day like he did last time and doesn't want to go unless it's with me
So tomorrow we're still going on a day trip all day- train, food, tickets to an event and alchohol plusbwill sleep at mine
Also he's fetching his kids to mine tonight so all tthe kids can see each other and have a 'sleepover'
We'll all be sleeping and he'll be in bed with me
I don't have to have sex with with him.
If I said I didn't want to have sex or feel like it he wouldn't touch me
But if he thinks I'm playing hard to get he will try a bit
Before xmas we still had sex but it was less and less intimate- no forepaly
So I'm not falling into that trap if he starts acting like that I'm stopping the sex too
The couple of weeks over xmas after I'd kicked him out and he chased me and thought about restarting our relationship - nothing was guaranteed. The idd fee nughha were arranged but some nights weren't and especially the nights I was alone (my kids at their dads) he made every excus duo possible to get to see me and come round
I think what I'm confused about
From what I've read on this forum, some of you lovely people are going through some terrible stuff and I 'felt' my relationship was totally done November/ beginning of Dec
I went a did a 180 and I kicked him out mid Dec
He then did his own partial 180 and chased me
We were close to arranging a let's get back together plan when he found out about the credit card
He's not done what he did after the Loan and distanced himself from me
He's said - right we're definitely done now unless I get a knock on the head
But he's also spent a night and morning telling me he loves me and showing caring loving actions
I've backed up what I've said and arranged the repayment sof the loan and card
He's still got his rental house
He's still wanting to spend time with me
My biggest question right now...
Is he just finding it hard to let go Or is this time he's using to make his mind up?
In fact thurs night he was crying and I said I feel so bad I've done this to you. Do you need me to make the move away to help you leave me? And he said no he didn't want that.
Is he using me for company? He actually brought this up and made sure I knew it wasn't like that
Using me for sex? He's brought that up too because he says he doesn't want me to feel used. He says he knows we could both go and find someone inappropriately to have sex with but he doesn't want that
He says we shouldn't feel like we do about each other, not just sex, the touching and wanting to be close- he says it feels so natural and he wants it
I'm a bit scared about how to approach tonight.
He coming round there's no secret about the kids will play together and we've text about sex that much we'll want and have sex
I've just reread my posts.
Sex is such a big thing in them but we've always had amazing sex.
Over he Christmas period where he chased me he said he wanted to be close to see how he felt about me (not just sexuallly) to Keep our connection
Now he's said we have to split up - but he still says he feels connected
If we spend time apart or minds do play overtime with us and it can create bad feelings
So do continue seeing him a lot? I make him negotiate some times so it doesn't feel like this all his decision to come
Do I stop sex?
He's just sent me a text to say he's busy on call at work this aft (I knew he would be) and that he was picking something up to do with our texting joke but he'll phone later - hope I slept well
I (F 39) committed financial infidelity in April last year against my partner (m, 36)
I took Out a loan and a credit card and spent it all on rubbish mostly.
I paid for him to attend a foreign sporting event (flights hotel etc) which was the biggest purchase.
I think the two of you have an awful lot to learn about marriage and relationships.
I am still not buying the loan thing as according to what you wrote above you spent the money on HIM!
So why is he mad that he got to go do something and YOU paid for it?
I think that you need to slow down and stop looking for an immediate FIX to all of this.
Whatever the issues are they did not happen by one thing and are not going to be solved by one thing.
Marriage is a 50/50 thing.
SO if both of you are not committed to this marriage for the full amount of your 50% it is not going to work.
Normally we tell people to STOP having relationship talks.
What does your partner really want?
I am not sure whatever he says I would believe anyways as his actions do not seem to match his words.
Again I would urge you to read DB/DR and reset everything you know to zero.
Start with a beginners mind, because in a marriage you both really are beginners or even less than that.
I might say incompetent!(and that is said with love)
Keep reading, learning and posting.
This story is super confusing. Who is leaving who?
You spend a bunch of money on him. He has no issue with that
Then he finds out you borrowed the money, and explodes. Where did he think you got the money from? Don't you share finances? Aren't you honest with each other enough to at least know who has how much money?
He then says he has to leave you. Rents a house and moves out.
Leaves HIS kids with you? Then takes his kids stuff to move to new house.
Initiates lots of sex with you and acts loving etc...
Discovers credit card then goes off the rails..
YOU then kick HIM out..
Now he seems to be pursuing you?
My head hurts =)
So are you saying that you had an affair with each other while you were married to other people?
Hi everyone
I'll try a timeline to clarify stuff
Married to other people for 12/14yrs respectively - 2 kids each to our exes- his are twins. so although 4 years together makes us newbies this time round we do have experience of long term) we've spent so much time together unlike our previous marriages compared with our old marriages we feel like we've been together and known each other longer than just 4 years
Both of us left our exes due to them being emotional abuse and selfish - we'd both fallen out of love with our exes but stayed with them about 2/4 years longer than we should -so definitely no affair
We've had normal ups and downs assosictaed with getting divorced to selfish people and with having children- some downs have been awful but we've got through it stronger To further complicate matters his ex had serious money problems and his children with her are through sperm donor as he had cancer as a teenager.
We decided to emigrate to Australia in about jan last year.
In April he had a possible offer of emplyment- but needed to fly to aus in about June
End of April i couldn't get her money I'd put away in long term saving account so took out a credit card with him knowing to buy flights to aus -I think was my main purpose.
The Aus employment offer didn't work out and I continued spending money on the card (I'd left a job I loved in Dec and started one that I hated and I was so depressed about it too)
We each have our own bank accounts mainly because of our selfish ex partners but discussed money fairly openly (til I took the card out)
Around June He wanted to marry and we booked the holiday wedding for September. I took out a loan in joint names in secret to cover my card problem til my money came
In July he found out about the loan
It's emotionally killed him because I've always been so good with money previously and the ex wife money problem
He struggles to talk about serious matters- always has- so he turned to getting drunk then exploding at me for Aug/sept/oct
This came to a head end of oct and we decided to separate because he said he felt hollow inside toward wme etc and with the way he's been towards me I resigned myself to it.
Mid Nov was my eldest daughter's bday then we made excuses that it was going to be xmas and to keep it together for the kids til after xmas ... I secretly hoped it would give us time to work it out but it made the atmosphere worse
Mid Nov he rented a house
Then he stayed out two days drinking and I said enough is enough and kicked him out mid December
Now I've always been the one to talk and sort problems- his style is to keep stuff inside and explode then try to run from the problem then talk.
So this is me doing a 180- I kick him out- he's shocked beyond belief because I think he thought he could rent this house get some headspace and if he still wanted me after all the dust settled I'd take him back. But now I've changed the game.
That happened on a thurs/fri and in the Saturday I agreed to talk to him for an hour sat eve when all the kids were with the exes and I'd secretly arranged a f@@k buddy (however badly I regret that decision it was made to make sure I never went back to him because after wax with someone else we would definitely be done)
So we talk and I drink a bit of red wine because I'm nervous- we start getting close and having a laugh and it feels like befor wour problem
We talk more and I tell him how done I am and let slip about the f buddy after this talk is done
He changes his complete attitude because I think he realises he's lost me now- which yes is crazy because he didn't want me or so he said
Ultimately I think he has always wanted me but can't cope with his feelings of betrayal over the money and as soon as he thought he'd lost me he began chasing me
The biggest purchase of spending money on him would not have happened if he'd known where the money was coming from. I ended up spending the money unwisely and basically frittering it all away. Approx $15,000. So it is a massive amount he can't cope with. It's incredibly irresponsible of me and I can't ehvw it now that I've done it. Thankfully I have a saving account that when it comes to fruition will pay it all off but that's my savings gone and I have nothing to show for it. He feels like it's his fault now, like he wasn't enough for me, like he's let me down somehow tthat why I've done it. I've explained that it the case at all.
Over the three weeks surrounding xmas he's been (mostly) pursuing me. I've been trying to take each day as it comes.
Last Monday /ties he found out about the credit card.... he's shatterecwmtiknally again and says we're done for good now. Then by the end of the night he's changing his mind. He even changed his mind about cancelling a day trip we had planned
On Sunday we and Went on the day trip got drunk didn't argue and had a fab time.
We didn't have sex- despite me shuttering on about sex slit - we don't have sexy every single time we're together. Then last night we had sex three times. It's always been great sex.
He spent the last three hours of the day trip tipsy and opening up (he's always found it easier to talk when tipsy) telling me how much he loves me, how he hopes we'll work it out, how he needs his house for headspace, how he hopes we'll sort it enough to still go to Aus (later than planned) maybe in Jan 2018, how he loves everything about us he's just is struggling to forgive me. I could cope with this but he's continuing to feather his nest in his rental. My good friend who knows us well and the situation thinks it's his safe place and he needs it finished band comfortable (e.g. Yesterday he arranged a tv internet package) becaus we've said to my friend he's telling me one thing but continuing to do another.
This is her reply to me when I put that to her----- everything you've said to me leads me to believe he truly loves you and can't let go and that house gives him mental security. He's spent a lot of time with you even though he has the house. Which only goes to show he wants to be near you. Yes he finds it hard at times but that's because he's in love but angry xx
While out on the day trip his brother in law called me a name on Facebook (bloody Facebook) his brother in law has no reason to dislike me but is a keyboard warrior --- now my partner has gone mad and made him take it off. He's actually started defending me against negative stuff from his side. Naturally they're protective over him.
He's not distant from me (like he was in he autumn) and spends time stroking me and smiling at me etc He's offered to 'babysit' my children one night week so I can finish my course. Our kids had a set of bunk beds each and now he's taken one he's offered to buy the girls new beds.
Since mid Dec he's spent 4 nights away from me in his rental house and 3 nights of those were because he had his twins - we've even had sleep overs at my house with all the kids
He's. Just realised it's my closest friends birthday on Friday and my kids are with their dad so I will be going out to celebrate with her and the instant he realised he's asked where I'm going etc (not even attempting to play it cool)
The finding out not being told (or even asked in the first place) really bothers him about all this.
So I know some of you think there's more to this than a money but isn't that enough for some peoples relationship to go off the rails- he also feels betrayed and lied to, his trust in me is damaged.
One of our big hurdles will be that he's told his family everything and families naturally take sides- then they given him money to set up this rental - so like he says if it works out between us then he's going to upset some people. He hasn't told them how he feels about me now- or not yet- he says he's doing it to protect himself in a way- they're not daft- they know he's been spending some time with me (he's told them that) and now he's defending me against one of their comments so without him expressly saying they're aware of some stuff --- he said while tipsy in or day trip he said sorting it out with me is more important than upsetting his family.
He's been doing goofy stuff like in our dating days - like just staring at me and tracing my profile with his finger
he also feels betrayed and lied to, his trust in me is damaged.
And what about your trust for him?
But you two were seeing each other while married, correct? Did the two of you find out you were both married to 'selfish' people while talking to each other? Did the two of you seriously tried to work on your prior marriages before divorcing and continuing your relationship with each other? Be honest here because it is important.
We were not having an affair
We've never had an affair
We separated from our exes because we didn't love them
And met each other randomly in a pub some months later
I didn't know my current partner at all while I was married and there was a clear break
Additionally, we both tried working on our previous marriages while we were married (and not having affairs)
We both tried working on them for too long without anything back from our exes because they both didn't see anything wrong in their behaviours. We both fell out of love with our exes. And left them.
My partner left his ex wife in April 2012 and I left my ex husband in June 2012z
We met each other at the very end of Augusta 2012 having never seen each other before
I'm not sure how I feel about trust.
I should have been able to to trust him to discuss financials with him and not get a loan out with him knowing etc.
This is a problem I suppose I have because of my ex husband and his ways
Same as my current partner has issues about his ex wife
We've talked today and said we need to find better ways to communicate
What about his drinking in regards to you trusting him?
I got the feeling that is why you kicked him out.
The drinking in Aug/sept/oct was to try to escape his feelings.
I was totally fed up with his attitude and when he stayed out on that 2 day bender I saw red and just thought he was taking the p@ss out of me. Plus it's something we'd never ever do - stay out without a prior discussion. He text me and said he was staying out but it wasn't acceptable to me. I already felt the relationship was almost beyond repair and him staying out made me feel like it was confirmed.
Ultimately though that seems to be what has made him wake up and realise if he didn't act we'd be done.
I don't truly understand his 180 though. He'd spent two months convincing me that he couldn't forgive me and that he felt like his soul had been ripped out.
Then the thought of actually truly losing me made him pursue me like he did when we were dating. He's chilled out a bit now he doesn't think I'll ate anyone else - that he feels lkek he's caught me again.
And that freaks me out too. I feel like I've got to keep him on his toes so he doesn't become comlaent again especially as we're still technically living in separate houses.
We ended speaking twice yesterday about relationship stuff - 40 mins on the phone and and about an hour in person.
On the phone
Last night he did say he tries telling himself that it's just money (I thought ooo that's a bit of a breakthrough for him) but he followed it up with but it's the lies that you told to try to cover it up that hurt me.
I have previously told him that the lies were so I'd not get caught out because once I'd started this it felt too late to back out. And it snowballed until the lies we're out in the open. I do hate myself for this.
He also can't cope with the how frustrated/ angry he feels about how it's changed our lives - we should have been married 4 months now and we should be beginning preparations to move to Australia. It's all stuff he desperately wanted to do with me.
He says he knows the hurt he feels will either go away or get worse and that he knows only time will help us or split us for good. This is true it's not rocket science.
When we were tipsy at the end of our day out on Sunday he basically said everything and more positive about us. He still managed a 10 minute growl about how I've messed everything up but overall he was loving and misses me / us.
I think if I can show him with my actions now that he can trust me that will help but I need help with ways to show him he can trust me. The big ones are making those loan payments on time.
I'm not planning on having a deep and meaningful chat with him agajn any time soon- we need some more fun.
Yesterday's chat came about because he'd never said what he was up to and I'm feeling low because he is moving our spare sofa and tv cabinet out on Thursday to his rental.
I text in reply to him and just said speak to me later I'm fed up of the randomness. He phoned me within five mins despite being at work.
I always try not to be needy or pushy and me saying phone me fed up is about as needy as I've got
Anyway on the phone we talked (again he had a 5/-10 min mini rant about me ruining our lives) then he apologised for raising his voice - I said I don't mind the mini rants occasionally because it's a vent and at least you're talking to me about it and you've apologised for raising your voice (that's true I understand the need to vent and he did apologise for shouting)
In our conversation during the evening I asked he he say these chats as positvebor negative (he thinks any discussions are arguments - honestly sometimes he floors me with his outlook- but then I remind myself he didn't argue with his ex wife because he was a doormat just occasionally he would explode because he couldn't take it anymore - bit passive aggressive too) I said talking even with a little heated exchange isn't an argument - I said I like talking- it good- we've not left anything on a bad point- so for me this is a little step forward and talk. He said but we've just how over old stuff and I said a little but I've learnt quite a few new things in the conversations. And he was a bit shocked so I repeated it for him- I'll list below...
But seen as he sees discussions as arguments what do I do about that? Avoid all discussions?? I did tell him we have to talk about the serious stuff at times. And he agreed.
On the phone he said he might seem callous finalising his move out by he has to do it for his headspace (knew this already because he said until he rented that house he felt like he'd got a noose around his neck and all it did was get tighter- I'd hate to live in his world where every discussion is a an argument and everything made it worse- I'm convinced he has anxiety and depression maybe only mild but he does have symptoms of them and being very male he won't take anything for it)
Anyway he said he wants the rental in a comfortable lovable condition so that he can stop discussing how to achieve that with me and when he comes to see me he is coming to see me and not make me feel like Hes using me for a sofa etc
this did make me feel better.
But the cynical part of me makes me think back to advice on here about only velhve 50% of what you hear - should I relax this rule as I'm the one who committed the wrong doing and I'm the one who can't be trusted???
I love it when he's more relaxed when we've had a bottle of wine and will talk more openly about his feelings
When he's sober he's very guarded - like if he says something positive about us I'll think we're all hunky dorey and back together.
He said on the phone a couple of things that hurt a bit while he was ranting - like I just want to be back together like before but nothing's going to change suddenly (the suddenly part hurt a bit because I thjnk I do want change- impatient!!!!) and he said I want him to tell his parents etc about us trying and he feels embarrassed. He's says he felt embarrassed a lot at the end of last year because he was getting excessively drunk and it's not like him (he is ex rugby player and yes when the lads get together they are silly and get excessively drunk but that might happen twice a year) then he told his parents about our problem and then I kicked him out and caused more embarrassment so at the moment he says if he told tht he was trying with me they'd think he'd gone mad.
I corrected him and told him i don't need to tell his side yet but hat he should stop telling lies to cover up - they've been alright when he's told them he's done certain things with me.
A lot of this keeping me hidden has to do with money why he's not telling his parents because they loaned (then gifted) a few thousands to help set him up in the rental.
I don't think they'd be too bad once they realised we were still in love. Without being disrespectful, His mum doesn't work and any gossip is a major drama and all consuming to her plus she is one of those parents where her child can do no wrong so naturally I am the devil incarnate.
Balance this with the fact that his dad has been off work having a knee and hip replacement for a year. I've been the one doing all the hospital trips, check ups with his dad, taking his mum shopping and out for entertainment, asking round to help with stuff etc. And they've said to me and my partner on a few occasions you can always rely on me and I'm better to them than their own daughter (their daughter lives a five min walk away and is always too busy) they've said at the time they love me like their own daughter and they meant it.
So my partner is trying to sort his feelings out for me before he breaks the news to his family isn't he?
He knows it will cause waves and he wants to and sure that we're strong before it happens- that's all isn't it?
Then the 'happen suddenly' statement is probably to stop me thinking he'll move back in within a couple of weeks.
I said last night that I am only putting myself through this because I want a positive outcome for us both but that I can't have this go on forever (i.e. If he extends his rental period I think i have to get out of this- March he will have to decide whether to extend or not but then he has til May in the rental) even writing I think he won't be ready by the end of March to say he can give up he rental. I said I can't have anything sudden happen either because there's too much stuff happened for me to just be back to normal.
During the phone call he called our situation not normal (his other phrase is stupid) and he means the fact that we've split up enough to move out but want to be together and are working on it.
And I don't normally lose it but I did a bit. I said look if it's that stupid and not normal what we doing - let's not bloody bother and at that moment I wanted him to agree and I could just draw a line in the sand and move on.
But he did the opposite and calmed me down and agreed it wasn't a good way to call anything.
Then in the conversation in the evening he was being negative so I pushed again and said look are you just trying to get me to end it? And he calmed me down again and we agreed I'm going to stop assuming the worst and not try to force and end to it and he's not going to calm out situation not normal or stupid.
In some of his texts earlier last evening before he came round he kept pushing to come and I kept turning him away in a 'nice' away
And he was complaining about the twins beds he was putting up so I jokingly called him a wuss - I said shut up you wuss
Normally that banter is ok
But he brought it up last night he said he was really struggling with the beds and when I calle dh a wuss he just thought he wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for me- is he wouldn't be putting uo beds in a rental
Yet he still text me and wanted to come round....
Can i take that as a major positive???
Him texting me
Fed up, can't do this 1 handed impossible... buy divans lol
Could punch the walls thru (he meant couldn't put beds up alone)
Me
You're kidding ...those beds looked easy to put up??
Just broken my own rule and bought two beds not divans. gotta try and unload them and get back to school asap
Him
I'm not doing these beds till weekend. I got to f@@k about with work I'll have to just let kids sleep with me. need to empty room for Thursday 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡
My reply
Stop being a wuss
That's the text that upset him and reading it back i can see his point but we always have banter
Then he sent this..
Can't do owt here till tomorrow so if ya need a hand I'll come up.
Me
Just got in from school run ... (choir)
You really don't want to be messing with yet ANOTHER set of beds so thanks for offering but I'll just get on with it alone. The offer was appreciated though.
After that unexpected natter today you probably need some space anyway so it's ok.
Thank you xxxx
Him
Ok actually thought putting girls beds up would be easier cos twins are like bunk beds.
It's these kind of texts what I struggle with...do I accept it and say ok see ya tomorrow... or am I suppose to read between lines and say well I'll come up for a drink anyway ...confused
Me
Yep I'm struggling with these texts too TBH
I'm being polite refusing help because you're busy with work and you've already told me you've nearly slung some beds through window
So I'm not offended either way ok
Him
I'll come up at 6 and have a look
I need your help anyway cos like I've not enough to moan about, been hacked on PayPal 🙈🙈🙈
Me
No way!
PayPal are pretty good though.
You must never go through an email to go into your PayPal account tho
Then I panicked and just felt in friend zone so I did a complete 180 ...
Me again
I'm up to my neck in kid crap in these bedrooms. Don't come up.
Stay and sort PayPal out. They have instructions online to do it .., phone me if you get stuck xx
That's not me asking you to read between the lines - it's a mess here and I feel uncomfortable you seeing it
Him
It's only mess we created, but if you insist I'm not begging or a pest so ok.
Don't know where to start with PayPal never done owt with it.
Me
It's a mess the kids created actually
Come up then if you're not going to be weird about the bloody mess
I'm not changing my mind again either lol
He came up and was ok- we agreed though that making arrangements to see each other need to be done by phone not texts
When we first dated those types of texts were cute and confusing but we know each other now and he says we've got to be blunt and say what we mean...,
To stop random nights or texts as well he's come up with the idea of trialling a week of discussing beforehand
So we're on about ... next week he'll have his twins weds night and j don't have my girls (with their dad) so we won't see each other that night and no hard feelings etc
He knows I'm out on Friday for a friend's birthday and he's asked me out on Saturday night
At the end of jan he's booked a night away in a hotel in one of our favourite cities for us too
What do I do about visiting his rental?
He wants me to go round to his like he comes round here (when he's finished it off)?
I feel uncomfortable as to me that house is a massive signpost that we're not together.
The house is either a short term stop gap for him and we get back together or we split up and is his permanent residence...
I suppose I could get used to going there but I don't want to really... I don't want to be snuggled on the spare sofa from our house in his rental.
I don't want him thinking of that house as his home.
Surely if I 'visit' and stay over he's going to think I'm comfortable with that house.
I've already told him I can't see myself doing that because I don't like the houseand it means we're not living together - he says he understands but wants to have me over so he can show me he's not using me for a comfortable house (our house) I've told him that's not necessary.
You do own half of both houses. Correct?
Disregard it is a rental.
You are paying for both houses
'Additionally, we both tried working on our previous marriages while we were married'
How?
Are you ever planning to read Dbor Dr? Seems like you"re looking for a quick answer. There isn't a solution until you understand the problem. Plus you two should lay off the booze
The answer to "how?" Would take up another thread for months.
I was so hurt at having to end my marriage and tear apart my family home that t did take years to come to terms with by, none of the healing was helped along by an aggressive ex partner who still would not acknowledge any part of the blame.
Suffice to say, a lot of years, time and tears went into trying to make positive changes to dead marriages. I can only say that I tote my soul out trying to make my marriage work over the years and each time I was knocked back because my ex husband was selfish and happy where he was.
The people we were married to only really cared about themselves and it took us both years to realise that.
Yes I want a quick fix ... in reality who doesn't... but a long term solution.
The problem was my financial infidelity... caused by my inability to approach my current partner because I was bullied financially by my ex husband. It's that simple. Can he ever trust me again and how do I help the situation is my problem now?
Are we only allowed on these boards if we buy books and counselling? I'm not being Saracastic but I am struggling at the moment. Maybe I should priories and buy something.
I asked about the rental not for the money side but for the emotional side. If I go there like he wants does it add to his sense of the rental is ok because I don't want him comfortable there.
Are we only allowed on these boards if we buy books and counselling? I'm not being Saracastic but I am struggling at the moment. Maybe I should priories and buy something.
You are allowed on the boards without buying anything.
That being said I would suggest you as a minimum read DB/DR.
Have you ever been to a library?
The books are valuable tools,
and well worth the time and effort to read them.
The first chapter was given in my welcome post, free!
"The answer to "how?" Would take up another thread for months."
Give us just the rough details. The fact is that every marriage after the first one has a higher chance of ending in D basically because the problems from the first were never worked on and just carried onto the other relationships.
"Yes I want a quick fix ... in reality who doesn't... but a long term solution."
Sorry it doesn't work that way. You want a fix that will last, you have to have the patience and be able to put in the work.
"Are we only allowed on these boards if we buy books and counselling? I'm not being Saracastic but I am struggling at the moment. Maybe I should priories and buy something."
No but this is the Divorce Busting website which is based on the principles of Divorce Busting in the book. Everyone here have read it so they understand the context and concepts when we give advice. We are all just ordinary people who help each other BUT we did the work. You have to read the books to understand how the concepts best apply to YOUR situation.
I think the biggest problem that stand out in your situation is that you continuously bash your ex and your current husband's ex as being selfish, yet both of you did things that were incredibly selfish. You with the spending and he with the drinking and not communicating. Plus you keep insisting on wanting a fix NOW. You seem to want to be in control. Forget about blaming your ex for the way you're acting now. That was the past. Right now you are in a new relationship and are acting controlling.
"The problem was my financial infidelity... caused by my inability to approach my current partner because I was bullied financially by my ex husband. It's that simple."
No it's not. REad my comment above. Stop blaming your ex. That has nothing to do with the way you act now. Your ex didn't put a gun to your head and force you to commit financial infidelity. That was YOUR choice.
"Can he ever trust me again and how do I help the situation is my problem now?
Yes he can but only if you're willing to be patient. And again, read the book.
Are we only allowed on these boards if we buy books and counselling? I'm not being Saracastic but I am struggling at the moment. Maybe I should priories and buy something."
Thank you for replying.
I summarise to save time and it's seems heartless some of the comments I write back. Like the summary of my problem. Like the ex bashing.
I totally agree I didn't get forced to take out the loan and we have problems communicating. I don't blame my ex for my problem but I do have problems associated with my the way my ex behaved.
I totally sunk myself into my marriage- for me it was the only relationship that I would ever have ever again. We were both totally faithful. I made sure he had a comfortable life and we had fun etc etc. He changed when we had kids. We both will have done. I became a stay at home mum but I made sure I trested him like a king because I didn't want him to feel left out etc. But he continued to change and became all controlling. I had no wage and I trusted him with money and to look after us (as I would have him if the tables were turned) and he used to give me an allowance to buy food but nothing for myself. I didn't resent it because I knew I was privileged having become a full time mum. I could have treats if we went shopping together so it was all ok. But over the years he got worse. I tried staying in love with him. I tried talking to him about it in different ways or in different scenarios but he became increasingly angry and used to pin me to the sofa or throw glasses at me in front of the toddlers. This was when I knew it had gone too far. I Carriedon talking and trying to change myself. He wasn't interested. He selfishness was probably typified in one example (of many) when - and I'm afraid it is a money example- he bought new alloy wheels for his car (luxury purchase) and I had one pair of winter boots with a hole in and it was winter and my feet were getting wet. I'd mentioned it and said I'll put up with them til the weekend but we really need to buy me some new boots. Then I couldn't have them because of the alloys. He had a problematic childhood- his mother left him with his dad then she ran off with another man and became a good mum to his step sister but not him. I was always mindful of this and made sure I showered him with attention as well as the kids. I used to make sure his time off work wasn't littered with jobs so that he could enjoy his time off. I tired to be s good wife and encourage his hobbies, support him in work (I used to help him out with paperwork to lighten his load etc) I wasn't allowed out or if I did go out I was timed. He disliked all my friends to alienate me from them and made them feel unwelcome. I'm not saying I was perfect but I tried damn hard. And tried for a long time. And tried in different ways. He was totally not interested in doing anything other than what he wanted, when he wanted and how he wanted. I lost all equality in our marriage when I became a stay at home mum. He had a very rose tinted over confident view of himself (but when you're happy it just seems part of who they are) so he really didn't think he had changed, didn't think he was selfish. There are so many examples of him being selfish and controlling it hurts to write them down a bit because I feel stupid putting up with it for so long.
My local library doesn't have the book.
I know the quick fix won't happen but it's hurting me and I'm trying not to act in a way that will damage what we have.
Currently as of yesterday he has everything in his rental to make it a home. So this is when reality kicks in- will he want to spend time with me or in his rental???
He's still got a lot of sorting out to do in terms of tidying up.
He's chased me to the stage where he feels comfortable I will wait for him to make his mind up.
He's planned a couple of nights out with me and night away at a favourite city.
I'm not sure what to do.
While he was chasing he it didn't matter what else was happening in his life he tried to be here with me.
He has his children 3 nights a week. Up til now he's only slept at his rental with them once a week, once a week they've slept here and seen my kids, and once a week they've slept at his mums so he could come up here.
He also works on call every 5 days/nights and that's never bothered him much but he used that as an excuse to sleep at his last night.
We've said no excuses needed but because while he chased me he wanted To spend every minute he could here I know feel distraught he isn't doing the same.
I've turned into chasing him I think and I know I shouldn't be.
The playing field has changed and I don't know what to do.
To summarise his ex- he never thought he could have kids because if childhood csncer and to cut a long story short they had twins by donor sperm. It was a tense and tryibg time for them. But she behaved like she'd got the latest craze in pets, got bored of them (when they interrupted her sleep) and then lost interest in them. No she wasn't depressed. This is an illustration of how she behaved in general. She only cared for herself and how she felt. Everyone else was just an accessory to her. She built up big debts funding a lavish lifestyle she couldn't afford and my current partner says being 8 years younger than her and wanting an easy life he used to agree to her demands after a while because otherwise she'd make his life hell. Whilst with her an average day consisted of getting up at 430 to see yo twins (he was also the one who got up in the night) taking them yo his mums 20 miles away, going to work for 12 hour shift, puckingvreins up taking Hoffman home 20 miles away and spending time with them. 2 times a week he went rugby training as he was semi pro still and it was so extra income. His wife only worked part time but would not have anything to do with running the twins about.
Again this is only a summary of her selfishness.
Yesterday I actually helped him move s sofa into his new house
Him
Game over done enough messing about today, bath time for this hairy poorly fingered puppy
Thanks for ya help today x
Me
No problem - wasn't too hard physically, just emotionally
Just putting girls to bed early- big day for them tomorrow
Him
Yep big and long day for them.
Do you feel abit better emotionally, than earlier??? (He asked thus knowing it could open a can of worms...makes me think he wanted to come to mine)
Me
It's weird. I felt ok, then felt rubbish, then felt ok- now being here looking at an empty space where spare sofa was I feel like we're totally over then I keep trying to convince myself of possibilities (don't usually tell him all this...)
I want a cuddle from someone who's not here and I can't ask for one either
And I can't moan because you're the one I hurt.
Daren't ask how you feel?
Him
Not sure at min obviously still angry!!! hence the shout earlier ☹️☹️☹️
Don't want to do it, just can't help it sometimes.
Yep I'm in bath and I wish I was not in this 1, but hopefully time will tell and my anger may go and I start and worry about us again rather than what you could do to me next, that's my battle I think. Does that make sense?????(major opening up for him)
Me
Yes I have to accept it don't I
I've never done anything to you before and this has been about money and I feel so ashamed you think I could do anything else but that's position I've put us in
God I wish you wanted to hug me today
I felt like your mate today
Him
I insisted on food or I wouldn't have even had that time. (He wanted lunch afterwards)
Yes I missed a hug opportunity too, I don't lay in bath thinking of my mates tho, but I do you
(This is where I should have stopped)
Me
But there's not enough in you today to come hug me and I hate that.
I'm sorry about the food I thought it was just a 'thank you' payment for lifting furntiure which is why I refused at first
I hate what's happened and can't change but i can just try to mend it I suppose by doing my payments.
Him
Tired today boss
I'll come up for a hug but I'm stopping
Me
Now I feel bad again. Wasnt forcing or asking you anything
I just want you to want to-
that's all at the moment - I can't ask for more and I feel like that's asking a lot anyway- too much probably
Him
Yes I do want to, and I will come up, but when I've dried I'm off to sleep, so last chance .. I will come up and it's not anything to do with you forcing???
Me
I'll unlock the door then
Him
Ha haa you still can't say it, but I think I've got the answer (I think he just wanted me to say all along - come up)
Thin he sent me a screen shot of his phone because every time he plugs it in it shows - HOME 18 mins (etc)
It's s sat nav notification showing his long it will take to get here to my house
My local library doesn't have the book.
Did you ask them to order it from another library?
Inter library loans.
I've bought it now. The first time I searched I must have given Ina dodgy website or something as the book I've bought from the website I used is a 'normal' price.
I'd read a lot if the links in your first post but must have missed the DB book chapter one.
I think I've had a small epiphany ... I can't forget the chasing he did ...but we're now at the the stage where he is stuck wondering if single life is easier than sorting life with me. At least he's open to try.
Having read the opening chspter of divorce busting I feel terribly guilty about my first marriage yet I know I did an awful lot to try to rectify it. My ex (and my partners ex) still don't brlgve they did anything wrong in the marriages.
I've summarised above some of the issues but it's nowhere near started on the full story so my excuses for ending marriage seem lame. Suffice to say, my ex wanted a door mat for a wife, he said he was perfectly happy about our life. He truly didn't believe he had any part in the downfall if it. I could have stayed and worked on it more after reading db book but I 100% believe it would have still been the same outcome just with damaged children. He didn't want to work on marriage when told of my decision to want divorce. He thought I was mental because he believes he's a great husband! He was "better"if he compared himself to his mates but they were very low in the scale anyway!!
I'm going to have to stop doing little summaries because I'm not doing myself, the situation or my ex any favours. I keep trying to summarise something that's taken years and a few sentences don't do it justice.
My suggestion is to turn the focus to YOU.
Set goals for YOU not your relationship,
then post how you are working towards those goals
and how that changes your life.
Thank you.
My db book hasn't arrived yet so I know my goals will need working on when I've read that chapter... he's a start...
It's embarrassing to admit but I'm scared of setting goals for myself because I'm scared I'll make myself fall out of love with my partner to save myself from any potential hurt.
One goal is to make sure I make the loan payments as agreed so I have peace of mind I am doing what I said I would
I want to complete my Masters degree- I got given extra time as applied for special extenuating circumstances to give me breathing space.
I want to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them
I want to get back into a fitness routine so I don't feel lazy
It's difficult making goals that don't involve my relationship at the moment
We've had a some weirdly therapeutic days just lately.
I went out with my friends Friday night and he text me before I went out we rallied a few texts back and forth and I said I wouldn't text anymore that night because out with friends etc
And I didn't (new record for me)
But he text me
Having a sad half hr, you'll prob see this tomorrow, but at least I'm talking!!!
Heads like a tumble dryer
This was about midnight
My tipsy reply
Well I'm not where I thought I'd be,
I hate what I've done to you
Maybe I should just leave you to it
You'd be better off without me
I disnt mean to do ought wrong
be single, I'll be single and we'll move on and be happy
I'm so sorry xxx
Him
I hate how you say we be single and move on!!!!
We'd not be thinking about single if you'd not done what you have, was hoping you'd not reply, thought you'd left phone at home???
Me
I'm out still
And I love you
But you want to be single
Him
At what point have I said I want to be single?????
I love you and that's what's giving me the energy to try and forgive you!!!!
Then he phoned me and repeated most of that but then had a little rant at me because I shouldn't be saying to him that he can be free and single - I should be apologetic and making efforts to make him feel good - he hung up and wouldn't answer when I called back
I left my friend a and got a taxi to his rental- I knocked a couple of times but because it was 1am in mornjng I left agajn. I took a photo of his car to prove I'd been there
Now I'm not proud of any of this and yes it alcohol making my judgements bad (i.e. The single free text)
Now Saturday I was supposed to be texting him to say what time I'd be ready for our night out -
I sent this
I can't believe it but I git a taxi through at 1am last night to prove to you I do love you and that you're worth making the effort for. (Before you ask I only knocked lightly twice because of the time/kids/neighbours) I can't ever be that drunk and text again.
I can't make sense of the messages last night- I do know all I kept thinking all night while I was out was how you reacted about Rory and it made me wonder why and had you been up to anything. (He'd been looking on my fb profile and an old attractive and single school friend had made some comment on one of my picture about me being attractive - I'd ignored it- but my partner had had a jealousy rant during he day about it so I removed it and took the lad off FB as a friend)
My head is throbbing and I need some migraleve but I don't suppose I can ask you to drop some off?
His reply
I was tired and drunk myself
I'm onway to Freeport dropping kids off at 12.
I'll call and get you some tablets and bring em up.
I don't want to fight shout and scream, but I'd rather do it trying to keep us than no shouting and no trying. Can you wait that long for tablets
My reply
I've picked up a bit but if you would please get me some pills as I'm totally out that would be really appreciated.
I hate falling out. (Anytime) I hope as we learn to communicate better we'll stop hanging phone up or shouting etc. And really last night seemed fuelled by booze and tiredness???
I actually thought on waking up- I've blown it- he'll just as stagy as hassle
And I honestly can't believe his response - he's accepting it as part of the process of trying.....??!!?
I also sent the photo of the car to show I really had gone
He said - just randomly- while we were out sat night- me coming through even though I didn't see him- made him feel valued
He wants to know if there's any help he can get- he says there's respite centres for alcohol and drug addiction etc but what about people like us..:
Any suggestions???
I know we should never talk about fight club (db-ing) but it sounds like my partner wants to talk to someone and like you say the problem with traditional counsellors is their background might influence their advice whereas db coaching is positive about rebuilding no matter what's happened in a relationship.
I don't know if he'd benefit from knowing about db telephone support - id rather him get help but haven't mentioned it- it's like you say - family support is the only type he's got and they want him to be happy asap and to them that means separating from me.
One of the rules is to avoid offering other other partner advice isn't it though.
Even if it helped him realise he's better off without me at least we'd have an answer but I believe db ing would help him deal with his emotions
Instead look into trying to see if you can see a DB type counselor in your area.
SBT is what I would look for,
their are therapists/counselors that
have been trained by MWD!
Hi
Had a search and locally SBT counsellors seem to integrate SBT into their practise but not make it solely SBT
Are we nearly at "piecing" if he's stopped talking about splitting up and more about how we get through this mess together?
My book still hasn't arrived yet
"Are we nearly at "piecing" if he's stopped talking about splitting up and more about how we get through this mess together? "
No.
Life has a funny way of showing me things sometimes.
I wrote that yesterday and then this morning when he left for work I actually felt chilled out which would have shown to him and hopefully been more positive in his mind.
I have tried not to be needy but I do hate mornings when he leaves if he's not mentioned what we're doing that night.
"I have tried not to be needy but I do hate mornings when he leaves if he's not mentioned what we're doing that night."
Rather than waiting for him to talk, you can start the conversation by just asking friendly questions without expecting answers. Just a "how was your day"? is a good start.
Thank you x
Mad how even the simplest of things can seem hard
I don't know if I've done the right thing but I've posted an update in a new atopic on here
I don't know if I've done the right thing but I've posted an update in a new atopic on here
This thread actually now has 74 posts, you can see it on the forum page.
We like you to go to 100 before starting a new thread.
Although you are close enough now to use that thread.
My update post didn't appear. I don't know what I've done wrong but I'll continue here
Things that are going well...
He's choosing to be here with me more than not approx 6 out of 7 day/nights (although he always wants to be here when I'm alone (my kids with their dad -approx 2 nights per week) which bothers me a bit
do I see it as just a positive but is this because he wants to make sure I'm only his (I'd never have an affair)
He's making plans with me off his own back- nights out, getting our kids together (we have 2 each not together from previous relationship), day trips together, nights away, possible mini break...
he's talking about our relationship and the problem that caused it mostly without falling out even to the point where he makes jokes about some of it
If we have a disagreement (I try not to of course) he says he'd rather have raised voices/arguments and be trying than no raised voices/ arguments and not trying
He's starting to tell more people (family and work colleagues who know about the split) about more and more times he's spending with me
He texts me everyday (always first) and always asking something so I have to respond
He texts me more than once a day
He phones me and he phones me when previously (during bad times) he might have text for easiest
He wants to be physically close, touching, kissing, stroking, sitting on sofa together and out in public (although we haven't seen anyone from his family while we're being affectionate)
He stares at me sometimes (he used to do this while we were dating) a bit like not passing wind (he's awful for passing wind - seems to be at it constantly- but he's been holding it in (thankfully) just like the first few months of dating....)
Sex has always been great and plentiful but he's going he extra mile lately to make sure foreplay is on top form (tmi??)
He wants me to sleep on his chest when we go to bed (like usual) and during the night when I turn over he either turns with me or rests his hand on my hip
He tells me (and texts me) that he loves me without anything/ pressure / prompts from me
My book has arrived and I've read it.
I need to set targets now
You read the Whole book already?
Yep- I gave my time to it instead of doing readings for my Masters degree. Although my heads so messed up I will have to revisit it as I think I have depression/ anxiety issues and remembering things is a little hard sometimes so please bear with me.
Current situation is different from situation a few weeks ago.
So we've been in limbo for nearly two months now but thenlimbo sort of has a definition - this seems positive
I wrote this note to myself mid January to help me focus on potives rather than the negatives.,, it helped a bit I tried a starting a new post but it didn't upload
Things that are going well...
He's choosing to be here with me more than not approx 6 out of 7 day/nights (although he always wants to be here when I'm alone (my kids with their dad -approx 2 nights per week) which bothers me a bit
do I see it as just a positive but is this because he wants to make sure I'm only his I think (I'd never have an affair but when I thought we were totally over in December I arranged a fling with a sex buddy but didn't go through with it)
He's making plans with me off his own back- nights out, getting our kids together (we have 2 each not together from previous relationship), day trips together, nights away, possible mini break...
he's talking about our relationship and the problem that caused it mostly without falling out even to the point where he makes jokes about some of it
If we have a disagreement (I try not to of course) he says he'd rather have raised voices/arguments and be trying than no raised voices/ arguments and not trying
He's starting to tell more people (family and work colleagues who know about the split) about more and more times he's spending with me
He texts me everyday (always first) and always asking something so I have to respond
He texts me more than once a day
He phones me and he phones me when previously (during bad times) he might have text for easiest
He wants to be physically close, touching, kissing, stroking, sitting on sofa together and out in public (although we haven't seen anyone from his family while we're being affectionate)
He stares at me sometimes (he used to do this while we were dating) a bit like not passing wind (he's awful for passing wind - seems to be at it constantly- but he's been holding it in (thankfully) just like the first few months of dating....)
Sex has always been great and plentiful but he's going the extra mile lately to make sure foreplay is on top form (tmi??)
He wants me to sleep on his chest when we go to bed (like usual) and during the night when I turn over he either turns with me or rests his hand on my hip
He tells me (and texts me) that he loves me without anything/ pressure / prompts from me
Since I wrote that though we had a bad disagreement which sent us running from each other because "it's too hard" and calling it off one Sunday morning but by Sunday night and lots and lots of texts and him phoning me we were back on track
sad thing about this is that we had a misunderstanding over a word (a powerful word) he panicked and I retaliated and we argued.
The word was relationship
A good friend asked how I'd describe myself - single or In a relationship
I've always told him just about everything - we've had that type of talky relationship (which is why I don't understand my financial infidelity too)
And when he asked who text me I told him and what she'd said
This is a Text from him after I said I'll text you in two weeks with news if the money payment I need to make
End of my text
. I won't text again til 6th Feb unless money orientated
Goodbye
His reply
Goodbye, I will miss you!!!
I Just can't believe what's happened, until I can I'll be f@@cked up.
His next text
Stop going on about texting, 1 or 100 texts a day ain't gonna make any difference.
I can't be in a relationship with you while I'm owed money and my heads in bits, so do I try? we are together
Or we see each other till august then see what's what,
No either because I will be accused of using you for the money if I still feel betrayed lied and hurt.
So I'm no stronger than you, I'm fed up of being hurt and being accused of living a lie just for the money.
its upsetting you it kills me thinking am I gonna feel any better towards us, then I'm thinking if it isn't,"[censored]"your gonna be upset and disgusted in me.
Time will tell. How we spend that time getting to the end of it all you tell me cos my head is feeling like a HGV reversing back and forth over it!!!!!!
If it doesn't make sense, I'm tired physically and mentally.
I felt like this was quite an honest text from him
My reply
Some doesn't make sense but I'm f@cked up too however rather discuss than ignore
I think a problem we have is how we define relationships
You seem to see a relationship as that perfect thing and everything is ok and basically how we were before all this happened
And I define seeing me twice a week for beer and a f@ck as being friends with benefits not "trying" anything other than filling in time
I had a relationship with Chubby- a neighbourly one
I have a relationship with Clark- an ex husband got to be polite for kids relationship
We have a relationship - our own type.
It's not perfect.
But at the moment it's us.
Is that fair to say to each other?
If we're not 'together' then we're single. I have issue with that. I don't want to see anyone else. If I'm doing anything with you then I don't want you to see or plan to see anyone else either.
You don't want accusing of being here for just money and I don't want to be made to feel like that.
It hurts.
So let's not do that.
That's where communication comes in.
I want to make you feel better not hurt - but not sure how on a daily/ weekly basis???
As far as I see what you're saying there's two options
Nothing or what we were doing with less pressure
Im trying to make amends regarding the money. I know it's hard on you. And I am sorry.
However, i don't want to be friends with benefits. I'm really not sure if that's all youre offering til August?
His reply
It's complicated I don't want it to come across wrong way so can I come up tomorrow after school
For an hour. let em play for abit (our kids/ step kids) and we will talk in a friendly manner to each other.
I plan on sleeping from 8 tonight so hopefully mind and body be more with it.
My reply
I know it's hard and complicated and loads of trouble with texts
Then he phoned me for about 45 mins
We agreed that at the moment we don't know we have a problem until we disagree and because we're so hurt we turn into an argument
We sort of laughed hat we fell out over a word but we sorted it and it feels better
(It was also a very bad weekend as I returned one of the pups to the breeder and we were both devastated plus his ex wife went on a two week holiday and he was mega stressed with work- plus we've both been ill with cold/ chest infections for two weeks by then)
So we're in a relationship- our relationship.
He's even used the word a few times
I've digressed from the current situation but but I'll start a new post
Right now we're "together"
unfortunately this is mostly in my world and not so much in his
he's said he's embarrassed to speak openly about it because it looks really bad what's happened between us and people wouldn't understand
This hurts but there doesn't seem much I can do about it
I really don't know what to do about it
I can't ask him to tell people but I have said that continuing a lie makes it worse (from bitter experience about my financial infidelity) and eventually you get caught out.
He says if he gets asked who he's going to do so and so with he skirts around it and doesn't say .whichbus an improvement on lying blatantly that it's me.
His work colleagues don't know he's "trying to sort things out with me" as he puts it
His mum knows he spends time and some nights with me (and also the kids see each other) but not how much time
His dad is the same but he went on a day out with his dad for sport and beer and he told his dad pretty much how he feels about me (he respects his dad's opinion but his dad will tell his mum)
Some of the things he's said (he repeated it back to me) is that if he doesn't try to work things out with me then he has lost on two counts
He said he feels hurt over the money/loan and he'll hurt because he's losing his best friend, his wife (we'd have been married 5 months now), his lover, his ...etc etc
He's said that to me too
His sister and brother in law don't know
Last month his sister left her husband (again- 3rd time in a year) and for the second time rented a house and within a week had called it all off
(My partners mum and dad have been married 40 years)
Now his ex wife is back off hol we are back to 'normal' routines
He stays with me most nights and has the odd night at his. It's usually around kids. Eg sun and weds he has his kids and rather than them sleeping in make up beds here he'll have his 'night off' then. But on a fri he can sleep here with them as it's not school that day after
He says he uses his night off to think and chill but mostly to sleep.
He says he knows we do it through choice but we always end up going to bed last than planned because we like massages and they always lead to sex. And so going to bed at 930 usually means sleep at 12.
We have always had lots of great sex and that's a pretty normal occurrence
I have tried laying off/ withholding from having sex in case it's muddying the waters but it doesn't seem normal and he gets very very frustrated and grumpy - even if he's just Called up to drop something off and we get a bit busy in the kitchen he is worse than an octopus and we soon get in positions that's very hard to get out of. It sounds pathetic but I'm not talking about I manni just met- he knows me intimately and I him- so it feels very natural to kiss and get carried away. And I'll admit I love the attention from him. But it's hard to stop once started.
He's offered previously to stop sex in case I think its all he comes up for but I know it's not (it's just an added benefit that is really really good)
We like being intimate.
If I want him to text me more than usual if I wihold sex, or let us get a bit carried away then stop- he texts me wanting to discuss what we've done (sexting I suppose it's called) and a naughty part of me wants to do it tonight as he's going out tomorrow with work. And I want him to have that desire burning in the back of his head.
I think I'm trying to use sex as a weapon is because I'm scared he'll stay out and not come home like he did with the works xmas dos in Dec last year. Where he's going he has to catch the last train home at about 11pm I guess the others will stay out til aboytnone and get a taxi home becaus ehey live local. The taxi fair home is extortionate to our house. So he's planning on leaving his car here, I'll drop him at train station- he'll go out and get last train home and I collect him from train station.
He says he wants to prove to me that I can trust him to come home.
I'm scared he won't.
He wasn't allowed out much in his previous marriage and when he does go out he acts like it's his last ever night out! If he's having fun he just can say no to another drink.
I don't want to offer to collect him from the city because I would and I have done in he past and done this lots. I want him to want to come home.
So a normal week- we've not had one yet but this is the general plan...
Monday - comes up to mine after work and gym- eat, watch tv, bed
Tuesday- same
Weds- he has a "night off" we've discussed calling up so all kids can see each other cos once a fortnight hill have my kids on a weds.
Thursday- mine
Fri- up at mine with his kids
Sat- out night out together
Sun- he has a "night off" we've discussed calling up so all kids can see each other cos once a fortnight hill have my kids on a Sunday.
What happens during the days of the weekend varies as he is on call rita for work
There's lots of positives
We went on that night away to another city - that was good
We've had lots of good nights together
He's booked a hotel and concert tickets for the end of April for us
(When we first met back in Aug 2012 he booked concert tickets a few week later for the following June 2013- it was very romantic at the time saying he would go with me regardless if we were together (cos we'd only known each other a few weeks) This time he said he's put my name on the hotel booking but also that he could sell the hotel and tickets for 4x their face value! I reminded him of how romantic the original time was and we laughed but it still hurt
When we're together he's here with me if you get me.
Like tonight- he's planning on coming up as soon as soon as possible asfter work and walking our dogs. Getting a takeaway and sharing a bottle of wine.
So on a day to day basis things are good
Last night I actually asked for a night off -first time ever- part of it was because I knew he was planning on saying he'd had a busy day at work and was tired and would stay at his rental. (The work and tired was true)
He knew I was going to the docs so he asked how I was but she wouldn't give me any antibiotics just a spray and he offered to drop me some pills up at mine.
He came up but was every unsettled. That made me unsettled (I need to learn to control this)
And he offered to phone me tonjgthtno say goodnight.
An hour later he phoned and asked if I was ok and said because of how unsettled we were he'd come up and stay tonight. But I said I'm ok. I said I thought he was worried I'd try convincing him to stay but I'd actually got a night planned out with my daughters. So he stayed at his. The discussions was a bit therapeutic again.
Later he phoned we said goodnight and we agreed that unless one of us is cross over something when ever we met at the door we kiss hello as normal so no mixed message sir confusion. Because he said he knew he was just calling up and because he's never been in a relationship like this before he didn't know how to act. (Part of me knows this is also him not wanting me to convince him to stay the night when he wanted a night away but anyway) it seemed good
my confession time
I never told you about something he did after a works do that has a major impact on us because I just felt like I caused the initial problem so focus on that...
In dec when we'd said we were over but together for the kids til after new year and he'd already got his rental it was one of his works do
A hotel was booked for everyone attending by work
He text at midnight to say he was ok and I never heard anything else from him until the morning
Anyway he slept in the hotel room of his 21 year old admin assistant - she works in an office 15 miles form his office but th admin are still part of the team and were invited out
I didn't find out until I spied on his works mobile phone- he'd deleted emails between them but I found them in his sent box
They were laughing about it and she was worried who knew
He said the amount of hassle he'd got off people at work for not sleeping with her he says he wishes he just taken advantage of her
So that and knowing him I truly don't believe he slept with her
He's always said he'd never have a relationship with a woman at work because he wants to go to work for work then come home
He also says that phrase if he's ever fed up- well I wish I'd just done so and so
He only confessed when I told him I'd seen the emails but even when we thought we were definitely over he still maintained the not slept with her not even in the bed on the sofa both fully clothed he just fell asleep after drinking
My gripe was that he'd took four cans of lager back to her room at 3am because the hotel bar had closed
She's attractive and fun but young enough to be his daughter
he says she's like a bloke drinks lager like a bloke and is covered in tattoos
Then a week later on another works do he promised me that no matter what was happening he would come home
I got a text at 11pm saying the Irish manager wanted to stop out so he's sleepjng in his room and he did and that's when I kicked him out of our home
We've discussed this a few times since we've been trying although I'm now making a concerted effort not to discuss it
He asked me weeks ago if I'd not committee financial infidelity do I thjnk he'd have still done it?
I said no.
I know he wouldn't have
So
I've said to him I don't want a relationship where I can't trust him to have a night out
So I'm not going to stop him
But
He off tomorrow on a managers only (supposedly) treat for doing well meal
He says we need this night so that he can prove to me he can have fun and still come home
Howeve rnext week a man who works out of the admin office is leaving - another time my partner would go- but he's changed his on call shift so he works that night and is not out at the do
He just came and told me that and said ALL the admin would go out so he doesn't want to put us in that position
I said I really appreciated it but don't want him to resent me for it
So when we talk actions rather than words that a big action for us isn't it
I just hope he gets on that last train home tomorrow
Unfortunately I've learnt to trust him by spying on his phone and whereabouts
I'm not proud of myself
I know his locations by find my phone app
And I know his texts and web searches and calls by a spy app
I know his Facebook and messenger log in
It's not good
But I have found a trust in him that wouldn't have come about without it
He's just about done everything he's said he's going to do and where he said he would be
He's repeated conversations to me that I know he's had with friends or his mum etc
The insecurity over the 21 yr old admin would have eaten me alive and we'd have definitely split up
So not good spying but it's helped me no end
I need to step away from it a bit now so I don't feel reliant on it
It's the treading water I hate
I offered him a break after the Sunday we fell out
I said I'd read stuff to try and help out situation because I was out of my own ideas (I know I nearly broke the don't talk about fight (db) club)
And breaks are recommended to help clear your head, say two weeks minimum or a months or 3 months
He didn't like the idea but asked He asked if we were single during this time
I said yes
He asked for clarification
So I said properly single, we can even date if we want etc
He said well I'll just continue doing what I'm doing and not date
Then he got all tetchy and said what we supposed to do at the end of the period say we missed each other and get on with it? He continued quite crossly and said you won't have been kissing me while someone else was laid on top of you
So I cut off his rant and said look if we go that far and start having sex with other people then it's a no - we've done and moved on
He agreed about that
He doesn't want to do the break thing
I was only going to do t to force a change out of him- hoping he'd miss me so much he'd move back in with me but u know he won't do that no matter what until he's ready
I'm not sure it's for us - we're past that stage of not wanting to be together - he does want to be with me and freely says he loves me
Plans need to be made about how to build trust and keep close to build together again until he feels ready to move in with me again
I wish I could get access to my savings befor August then we could work on us rather than him wondering if he feel differently when the money's paid off the loan
Any thoughts on these targets?
I want him to feel relaxed here so he wants to be here more and more
Actions
1.stop questioning his moves and motives (i.e. Do you really need to take both phones upstairs with you)
2. Dont mentions the relationship issues every night- I've previously mentioned 'booking' in time to discuss it- this hasn't happened yet- any suggestions??
3.focus on his needs rather than mine (I still feel hurt) so instead of I feel ... ask how he feels???
4. Don't ask questions that force a response - i.e. Do you love me? Or statements such as I missed you
5. Keep work discussions about work not investigations into his interactions with 21 year old admin
6. Carry on as i normally would (the good bits) don't suddenly become a slave
I want the coaching by telephone but I simply can't afford it right now
I forgot to mention a key point after argue then reconcile last Sunday
He said he needs the loan paying off and he thinks he needs it paying off before he can think clearly about us
(He is very like that- emotional stuff is very difficult for him to juggle more than one thing)
I've said i understand that
I said that a magic wand d won't make everything better in August when the loan is paid off because it's a trust issue problem and it make take ages to work on
He said he understood
We agreed that if everything else wasn't great about us there'd be no point in even trying
I said I'd rather do bits to work on us leading up til August so that we're not treading water
(I think he's scared to fall head over heels in love with me in case I don't pay the loan off to be honest
(because hes scared he'll forgive me the world then)
(he's loving towards me and loves me but he's defensive)
Ive had a mini epiphany- he's scared to love me in case I hurt him again - I'm crying I feel bad and I need to stop thinking from my hurt perspective all the time xx
Jeez I'm hard work
He's returned home after a night out on time and as he said.
I'm stressing over the fact he isn't telling very many people he's trying to work things out with me
The only people he tells are the unavoidable ones (well except for one)
He occasionally tells his mum if she asks
He avoids telling people by skirting around the subject/ changing subject rather than outright lying
He has told the friend he was with when we first met that we were tryjng and recently he's told him we were getting on better
I'm impatient - I know this I'm working on it
He says he's embarrassed after what we've been through to tell people because they wouldn't understand
And once when he thought I was telling him to start telling people (about a month ago) he said he'd rather have Called it off (our trying to sort stuff out) than tell people
These people are his sister and his work colleagues
His sister is a self obsessed idiot who has her own problems but anyway
My big bugbear is work colleagues because of theb21yr old admin
I think he does fancy her but knows it would be a bad move because she's old enough to be his kid/ he sees relationships as long term and she'll eventually want kids and he's infertile (hisbtwins are donor sperm)
But also if he keeps the pretence up won't it be harder to break it?
What should I do about it?
Leave him too it until he feels ready to tell people??