One step forwards, quite a few steps back.

[focus22]

Previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2714023&page=1

I'm still all over the place from the news (a week? Two weeks ago?) of WH and the baby.

I've decided I want to go back to dance classes (something I was doing before and when I met H). So I've checked out a few drop in classes over the next two weeks.

I'm doing mainly ballet, with a bit of yoga and flamenco thrown in. I'll see how it goes.

Then if I can line up some social events, then that's a pretty packed schedule over the next few weeks.

Hopefully that should pass some time and help even things out a bit.

WH is travelling back here Saturday, after working in the States with pregnant OW the past couple months.

I think he might be in touch to discuss the mortgage.

Meantime, I'm trying to work on shoring up my financial situation best as. I realise it's a huge pressure in my life (and it's always been) as I'm self employed and have never really earned very much at all. So maybe this coming year I concentrate on making myself more financially secure, as it's a huge vulnerability at the moment.

I'm working on my tax return as I write, so that's going to highlight pretty sharply how things are for me and what I need to work on.

I'm terrified.

[focus22]

So this evening I went to a one hour yoga class, followed by a one hour barre core class.

Loved. Every. Minute.

Even though it was difficult beyond belief.

Beginners ballet on Monday evening

[Scrant]

Good to see you are really doing some GAL. Really admire your strength, keep going!

[focus22]

Thank you Scant!

I'm in agony today, abdomen, thigh and shoulder muscles all aching.

I'm going back next week :))

Weird thing is, that I had been toying with the idea of finding a sketching class. And I discovered our council runs a few free 'sketch and destress' sessions in various locations near my studio. I think I might sign up for those too.

Next few weeks are looking pretty busy :))

[focus22]

Hi guys

I thought I'd give you an update on my life.

So, it's been a year and a half now.

What am I up to?

Working hard (I'm self employed, so *not* working hard is never an option). I had a good interview for a two week position, but didn't get it. I'm OK with that, there will be other things I can apply for.

I'm still sorting my house. I took a six month break from it as work was really intense for a while and I didn't have much time left after working 60-70 hour weeks.

I'm back to sorting now. What started as a process of returning WH's things to him (via his mum and sister) morphed into a process of also going through my things and deciding what to donate to charity. It's mostly been clothes so far. I have far too many clothes and really don't need as many. I feel like I could probably go through everything again once I've finished and give away more, but I'll continue what I'm doing for now. I've been reading Marie Kondo's 'Spark Joy' as part of the process and loving it.

How do I feel? Mostly pretty good. The 2 stone (28 pounds) I Iost in the first two months has stayed off. I'm careful-ish what I eat, I pretty much try to eat very, very healthy.

My sleep is really good. For someone who had chronic insomnia for years and years beforehand and was only managing 4 hours sleep a night, I can now occasionally sleep for 6 or 7 hours uninterrupted, which is amazing progress. I realise that part of the cause of my insomnia was not knowing where my H (and then WH) was when I went to bed at night, or where he was when I would wake up during the night, or not knowing if he would even have sent me a text message to let me know where he was.

The last communication I had from him? It was on the 4 November. I change the content (and tone) of what I had written in reply to one he had sent, and I cracked a bit of a light hearted joke in reply...just a one liner. One of my best friends said to me that she didn't think he knew how to deal with it. Who knows. Anyway, OW is expecting and is due very soon, so he'll be all taken up with that.

Last time I checked he's still paying the mortgage. and his last communication was asking how much was left of the mortgage. I'm wondering if he's thinking of just carrying on with the payments until he's paid it off, perhaps out of guilt, thinking that maybe this will free him of the guilt of what he's done? I've no idea. I'm not initiating contact, or that conversation. It's up to him, he's created this situation, so he can bear the burden of initiating contact about it and bringing it up. I'm just carrying on as I have been the past year and a half.

I'm starting to realise that this process that I've been going through isn't going to be one that ever stops. I'm not going to suddenly 'come out the other side of it', and return to a previous life. This had changed me and my life in a very fundamental way, and for ever, and it's going to keep affecting me and my life probably for as long as I live.

I think I hate WH for having put me on this road, but I love and embrace the person that it's turning me into. Deep sorrow and compassion. Ambivalent feelings, for sure.

That's all I have for now.

[Dawgs]

Hey Focus!

I'm starting to realise that this process that I've been going through isn't going to be one that ever stops. I'm not going to suddenly 'come out the other side of it', and return to a previous life. This had changed me and my life in a very fundamental way, and for ever, and it's going to keep affecting me and my life probably for as long as I live.

I think you're right...it never will stop. We just have to learn to live with things the way they are and compartmentalize...

[Scrant]

Hi Focus,
Good to hear from you.I've also stepped from the forums (didn't want to keep repeating myself)and tried to get on with life.I agree that it is always going to be with us but the important thing is how we deal with it. My ex-W sometimes pops and it does unsettle me but only as much as I let it.We can only hurt ourselves, they aren't there to see the effect things have on us. It sounds like you have made so much progress in many ways, it is good that your H keeps out of the way for long periods (what can he say that will help you? Nothing), it will allow you to heal and grow even more. Keep on your path, accept that there will be rocky moments (memories,emotions, events etc) but know that you are stronger than ever.

[focus22]

Hey Focus!

I'm starting to realise that this process that I've been going through isn't going to be one that ever stops. I'm not going to suddenly 'come out the other side of it', and return to a previous life. This had changed me and my life in a very fundamental way, and for ever, and it's going to keep affecting me and my life probably for as long as I live.

I think you're right...it never will stop. We just have to learn to live with things the way they are and compartmentalize...

Good to hear from you, Jeep! Hope you are well.

I'm not sure about compartmentalising though. I'm trying my hardest to assimilate this whole experience, so that it hopefully becomes a living part of me. If it's living, it means it's also constantly changing. Maybe in very small ways at times, but the constantly changing thing is important to me now.

If you'd known me before all of this, you would see how much of a 180 this is for me. I used to be so scared of everything that I hung on to things, and tried hard not to let them change. Or I would try and compartmentalise as much as possible, so that I could deal with the change that was happening in one part of my life.

Anyway, your post has given me food for thought, which is good...what it's all about

[focus22]

Hi Focus,
Good to hear from you.I've also stepped from the forums (didn't want to keep repeating myself)and tried to get on with life.I agree that it is always going to be with us but the important thing is how we deal with it. My ex-W sometimes pops and it does unsettle me but only as much as I let it.We can only hurt ourselves, they aren't there to see the effect things have on us. It sounds like you have made so much progress in many ways, it is good that your H keeps out of the way for long periods (what can he say that will help you? Nothing), it will allow you to heal and grow even more. Keep on your path, accept that there will be rocky moments (memories,emotions, events etc) but know that you are stronger than ever.

Hey Scrant! Good to hear from you. I went to see if you'd posted any updates, but couldn't find any. Hope you're doing as well as can be expected - or maybe even doing good?!

I had a bit of a low point the other day. I've been sorting out the cupboard that's in my flat and tidying things up/giving things away. I decided to put all the things relating to our life together on a top shelf in the cupboard (photographs, little gifts, cards...you know, that sort of stuff). It all fitted into three shoe boxes.

It had me in tears again. Is that the sum total of almost 20 years together? Three shoe boxes?

Funnily enough, I remember having the same feeling (but less intense) when I took my grandmother's jewellery to be valued for her estate after she'd died about 10 years ago. There was nothing valuable there, just trinkets really...she wasn't that much interested in jewellery. But I remember having the same thought as it was all set out for the valuer: is that the sum total of a whole life? A couple of necklaces and a handful of brooches?

I'd like to write a bit more this morning, but I've noticed that I start to feel really drained really quickly when I think about it all. So I'm setting myself boundaries when I think about it or talk about it so that I can keep some of my energy for doing positive and constructive things for myself.

Let me know what you're up to and what stage things are at with your life

[focus22]

Another update from me, something I've realised only relatively recently. I'm sleeping a lot, lot better now.

I usually wake up after the five hours.Before it would have been four hours, and then I wouldn't have been able to fall back asleep again. But now I can fall asleep again for another couple of hours. That *never* would have been the case before.

I'm wondering if the horrendous adrenaline rush of the past year (and maybe bit more) is wearing off?

Some days I can also feel quite down, depressed almost. And some days I feel really exhausted.

At first I felt a bit panicky about these feelings, but I think I might be OK with them now.

Maybe the important thing is to carry on doing things for yourself when you feel like this? Even if it's really small things. So the momentum is always forwards. Small things might be very, very small things indeed...

[Dawgs]

Maybe the important thing is to carry on doing things for yourself when you feel like this? Even if it's really small things. So the momentum is always forwards. Small things might be very, very small things indeed

Small things clear the way for the bigger things!

[focus22]

Maybe the important thing is to carry on doing things for yourself when you feel like this? Even if it's really small things. So the momentum is always forwards. Small things might be very, very small things indeed

Small things clear the way for the bigger things!

Yes. Doing them gives you confidence, little by little.

And doing lots of small things, day after day, amount to a whole load of things after even a short time

I think it's the unrelenting nature of it that I'm finding tiring.

Also, the realisation of it probably having to be myself that sorts things out.

OW conceiving was/is, I think, the deal breaker for me. I found out some time in December (from FB, believe it or not).

Anyway, I realised that whatever happened, there would always be a reminder of it, in the form of a child. A totally innocent child who deserves the very best in life.

Too much for me to handle, however things are playing/played out.

So I think I realised that I wanted to close that door in December. I've not actually done anything about it though, I've just been sitting with that feeling to see if anything changed, and I changed my mind. But nope, I think I want to cut those ties.

It's just that I'd always been the one to deal with the practicalities in our M: running the house, bill paying, heck...even letting him know he had emails to answer and typing out the answers he dictated (he was/is self employed, so it's job offers, invoices he was doing by email).

I know, I know, almost comical.

So, if the first thing you've got to sort out in your life is your D, well blinkin' 'eck, that's a fairly hefty mountain to climb.

I mean, the process itself is straightforward enough (we have no children, no joint assets, shared bank accounts etc). But the emotional burden of that, well, even I'm struggling at the thought of it, and I'm Miss Practicality. Goodness knows how he's feeling about it.

Anyway, I think I would like him to sort it, but knowing him (as I do), I don't think he will.

*sigh*

[Dawgs]

I think it's the unrelenting nature of it that I'm finding tiring.

I totally agree. But what other choice is there?

Anyway, I realised that whatever happened, there would always be a reminder of it, in the form of a child

In a way, yes. But at the same time, that isn't tied to you and therefore doesn't tie you two together. Sure, I understand that was the deal breaker and all, but it isn't the reason for any continued contact as it would be if you two had children. I get what you are saying. Just don't let that consume you.

So I think I realised that I wanted to close that door in December. I've not actually done anything about it though, I've just been sitting with that feeling to see if anything changed, and I changed my mind. But nope, I think I want to cut those ties.

That's not an easy decision to come to. And even for us LBS's, it takes time to reach that point. You seem to be ready. You're at the point I was when I originally filed. You got this!

So, if the first thing you've got to sort out in your life is your D, well blinkin' 'eck, that's a fairly hefty mountain to climb.

Yep. A tall and very steep mountain.

Anyway, I think I would like him to sort it, but knowing him (as I do), I don't think he will.

Well, keep working on yourself. Things always sort themselves out. For whatever reason.

[focus22]

I think it's the unrelenting nature of it that I'm finding tiring.

I totally agree. But what other choice is there?

Ha ha...yes! So basically just get on with it : o)

Anyway, I realised that whatever happened, there would always be a reminder of it, in the form of a child

In a way, yes. But at the same time, that isn't tied to you and therefore doesn't tie you two together. Sure, I understand that was the deal breaker and all, but it isn't the reason for any continued contact as it would be if you two had children. I get what you are saying. Just don't let that consume you.

Ah, OK...I get it. Thank you for the alternative perspective on that one. That never would have crossed my mind.

So I think I realised that I wanted to close that door in December. I've not actually done anything about it though, I've just been sitting with that feeling to see if anything changed, and I changed my mind. But nope, I think I want to cut those ties.

That's not an easy decision to come to. And even for us LBS's, it takes time to reach that point. You seem to be ready. You're at the point I was when I originally filed. You got this!

I'm still not going to do anything for a while though. I don't *have* to, and I feel that I can use the energy I'd be using to go down that road on other parts of my life (for now, at least. And that's all there is really, the present moment and I guess also those moments immediately ahead of you.

So, if the first thing you've got to sort out in your life is your D, well blinkin' 'eck, that's a fairly hefty mountain to climb.

Yep. A tall and very steep mountain.

There's a tiny, tiny part of me that's standing there, arms folded and saying 'go on then, you wanted it, go right ahead and sort it'.

It's minuscule though, and as a few people round about me have told me, I don't hang on to any sort of negative feelings.

Anyway, I think I would like him to sort it, but knowing him (as I do), I don't think he will.

Well, keep working on yourself. Things always sort themselves out. For whatever reason.

This is true. I believe this. All I can do (and in life in general) is work on me.

And in working on yourself, and fostering that sort of positive energy, you draw that back towards you (speaking about friends and work opportunities as much as partners here).

And those people who want to be close to that kind of person and energy, will be.

I'm actually feeing incredibly zen about things now, at peace with the world, almost totally at peace with myself too. If you knew me, you'd know what a totally incredible thing this is. I've never really had this feeling, my whole entire life. I've always felt at odds, mostly with and in myself. And I've always felt the need to 'sort things' and try and gain some sort of control over things, including myself (slightly chaotic childhood/early adulthood). Not any more though: it is what it is.

I'm feeling ready for something else now. But I'm just going to sit with that feeling for a while. It's a good feeling, and there's no need to add anything to it. I'll just sit with it and absorb it.

[Dawgs]

I'm feeling ready for something else now. But I'm just going to sit with that feeling for a while. It's a good feeling, and there's no need to add anything to it. I'll just sit with it and absorb it.

That, my friend, is a most wonderous thing. I wish that I could have done the same back then. Good on ya!

[focus22]

Thank you Jeep!

Just checking in again, guys

So I've noticed one thing. At the beginning of this whole process after I would have eventually managed to get to sleep, I would wake up again and for a split second nothing had changed. And then it all hit me in the face, really hard. And I'd be plunged back into the nightmare that was my day to day existence.

Now, for about the past six months, I'll occasionally have a nightmare about it all, but be really flipping glad to wake up from it and be back in my own reality.

The nightmares are usually to do with one of us trying to get through to the other about something. One time it was me screaming at his parents (who were like a second family to me) about how I was feeling, and them just ignoring me, and carrying on as if nothing was happening.

The latest one was a nightmare about me walking back to me house, seeing WH coming towards me across the road (in the same, determined way that I did actually see him walk towards me in real life, at the event we were both at this time last year), me deciding to ignore him, carrying on walking. Then him catching up with me and telling me that OW (using her name) was expecting a baby and due in April. Except he mumbled it and said the words really quickly. In my nightmare I ignored him and he said it again, in the same garbled, mumbling way, then again, and again. Then I woke up.

Clearly I'm still processing stuff.

How long does the processing stuff carry on for?

Anyway, I'm home today. And working on project house

My living room is a mess at the moment, so my plan is to have tidied it up by the end of today. I am sorting out black tops and jumpers today (which I have far too many of, as I use them for a lot of different freelance work I do). So I'm trying everything on, deciding what to donate to the charity shops and washing the rest before tidying it all away neatly.

Then after that it's on to sorting bags. I'm going to take them all out of my cupboard and go through the same process. I have far too many, far, far too many : o) But that might be next week. Progress is pretty slow at the moment. But I'll take all the progress I can get, as even slow progress is still progress.

I'm planning on cooking something healthy for a late lunch (my new thing, well since BD) of fish and avocado. And listening to some of the music I've now been listening to (since BD). Reinvention all the way :))

[focus22]

Also, I'm thinking of taking the two sets of champagne flutes we got for our wedding and donating them. I never particularly liked one set, and the other is just far too much of a reminder.

I might buy two or three plain ones. I think that is as many as I would need. Or maybe not yet, just enjoy the space it's made and not having them in my life any more.

I was also able to advise on a friend who is caught up in a bad situation at the moment. His friend's fiance came onto him very overtly, and she piqued his interest. She followed it through with propositioning him.

Anyway, we had a chat about actions and reactions. More overtly the gap between feeling, thinking and acting. Also learning how not to get suckered into a situation, just because someone is acting out in some way that seems to be drawing you in. And how to try and detach from it all. So just because she flirted with him, and he got very turned on by it, he doesn't need to act on it (even though intellectually he already knew it would have been a very bad thing to do).

Well, the ball is in his court. he can do what he likes. I feel OK with what I said and not too drained by the conversation.

Back to tidying up

[Tryin2figuritout]

Clearly I'm still processing stuff.

How long does the processing stuff carry on for?

Hey Focus - I don't think there's a specific timeframe on processing, but know that processing is 110% positive even when it feels horrible.

One thing I read recently that is helping me is "accept the feelings; change the thoughts". If you accept/acknowledge the feelings you have, they somewhat diminish and then you can fight off the negative thoughts you might have about anything / everything.

Hope you enjoy your fish and avocado. That sounds delish.

Be well.

[focus22]

Clearly I'm still processing stuff.

How long does the processing stuff carry on for?

Hey Focus - I don't think there's a specific timeframe on processing, but know that processing is 110% positive even when it feels horrible.

One thing I read recently that is helping me is "accept the feelings; change the thoughts". If you accept/acknowledge the feelings you have, they somewhat diminish and then you can fight off the negative thoughts you might have about anything / everything.

Hope you enjoy your fish and avocado. That sounds delish.

Be well.

Thank you, my friend.

Well, I'm having a lot of nightmares at the moment. Not just about WH/STBXH (no idea what to call him at this point), but about a number of other past major (traumatic) points in my life.

I'm reframing them as major turning points in my life, and consciously trying to find all the positive things that came out of them.

So this is also major turning point in my life (as if it's not already obvious) and I'm also consciously trying to find and focus on all the positive things that are coming out of it. But Jeez, it's unrelenting, the effort is huge and the pain involved is horrible.

My home isn't the relaxing and welcoming place that I would like it to be yet. So I'm carrying on with my mammoth project. I'm trying to do everything mindfully and carefully. I have less work on this month, so I have a little more time that I can devote to it. I can't quite see the end yet, as I want to paint everything once I've decided what is going to charity. To be honest, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by it all at the moment. But I'm trying to do a little at a time, chip away at it a little every day, as it all mounts up.

I'm also conscious that I'm pushing myself quite hard along this path. And I also know that I should remind myself to be kind to myself too and maybe take it a bit easier occasionally.

I find that part hard. I think that I'm scared that if I slow down, or even take things easy, then everything will fall apart. Actually, maybe that I will fall apart, and then everything round about me.

On the plus side, I'm sleeping much more deeply, and much more, than I have done for years and years. I'm also finding sleep much more refreshing and restful.

I guess I hadn't realised how stressful and exhausting it was soaking up all that turmoil and negative energy that WH/STBXH was putting out, for years and years, and how deeply affected I was by his inner turmoil too.

I also realise now, with a little bit of distance and perspective, just how much he drank. He couldn't have one or two drinks and stop there. He'd have to drink everything there was if he was in the house. I used to take the bottle of wine away from him when I went to bed, and take it with me...hide it from him.

If he went out, he couldn't go out for one or two and come home again at midnight (I think he maybe did that once or twice in all the years we were together). He'd usually be out out until 3.00/4.00/5.00am or later without letting me know where he was (or even if he was OK). And he'd get totally trashed too. If we were out together, I'd end up having to go home myself if it got to midnight/1.00am and I felt like I'd had enough. He'd stay out.

Also, he couldn't stop himself from going out three/four/five times a week. He couldn't just go out once a week, or once every couple of weeks.

He did that for years, from almost the beginning of our M, so once that pattern was established at the beginning, then that's the way it was throughout. I wasn't ever suspicious, as I don't think he was up to anything - except drinking a lot.

A while back (maybe even a year ago? six months ago?), it would weigh heavily on my mind that he might be magically transformed by OW, stop behaving that way, and become the most kind and considerate person in the world. But I guess that would have been me assuming the responsibility for his behaviour?

He always chose to behave in that way, because ultimately he wanted to. He enjoyed it. I did point out a number of times over the years how unhappy it was making me and how stressful I found it (I had insomnia anyway, and it really didn't help with that at all). But he chose to ignore that and carry on as he was doing. I don't think he realised the damage it was ultimately, over the years, doing to our R/M.

He did admit he had a problem, once, in the last year we were together, but didn't do anything more about it - didn't follow it up.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I've come to the point where I genuinely believe that he chose to behave that way, and that his choice in that respect wasn't my responsibility.

Oh well, I wouldn't be willing to put up with someone who drank as much as he did
now, again. And someone who treated me like that too. I'd like a lot more respect from my partner. And if he did that repeatedly and didn't listen to what I was saying, then there wouldn't be any point in continuing the relationship.

More than that, I just wouldn't want to get involved with a heavy drinker, full stop. I know how it goes with that scenario.

Long, rambling post, but there's a lot going through my mind at the moment. And I feel like I'm managing to stand further and further back from everything and feel more and more detached from it all.

Very, very tired though. Will it ever stop?

[focus22]

Another update from me.

It's been a good while, but I went back to the gym. Oh my heavens above, it felt amazing!

I didn't go overboard (also because I hurt my back quite badly a few years ago). Just half an hour rowing and 15 minutes cycling at the 'slightly out of breath but still able to hold a conversation if I had to' pace.

Slept so, so well that night too.

Back is a bit sore and stiff, but nothing hurting. I'll go back and do the same routine a couple of times before adding in some weights.

I'm loving it, it feels like a very positive thing to be doing for myself.

[Dawgs]

Good for you! The gym is the best therapy there is! Keep up the good work...

[focus22]

Thank you Jeep!

I now have a membership. It costs me £15 a month, and I can go as much as I want. The gym is open 24 hours a day, and every day except Christmas and New Year. I feel this is some of the best moolah I've ever invested in myself.

Any kind of mood I'm in, any time of day or night, I can go and row for half and hour/an hour and change my mood for the better.

I'm heading over to another part of the forum. I think I feel like I'm not much of a newcomer any more.

You can find my new thread here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2737725&#Post2737725