SH -
Goals - Enforce boundaries with both WW and S4!!!! Lots of other ones too...
Sara - thanks for stopping by. I actually went out tonight with a friend and it was nice. I don't do it much and will be more.
What are your boundaries?
-PM
Well, lying is a big one. Another is if we share finances, you gotta be on the same page. ww's spending has been more and more out of hand, looking like she's stocking up and doing shady money stuff.
I decided that her breaking these and not actually working to make them better, on top of the limbo, gives me no other option than to file to protect my son and me.
I did so and she was served today. She pushed to talk last night and shared that she was gonna file tomorrow.
I honestly hoped that filing might shake her up but that's not gonna happen and this wasn't a bluff. Reality might but I'm not holding out for that. I look forward to really separating and moving forward with my life. This has been abusive and I'm sick of looking over my shoulder. Some weight had been lifted but not all.
I've been reading some of Lim's and txhubby's posts over and over for inspiration.
The holidays have been way rough and exercise along with mediation and breathing exercises have helped me deal. Also no drinking when I'm super depressed.
Jug,
Sorry that you had to file. That must have been difficult for you. I am praying for you and S4.
I greatly appreciate it jk. It was difficult and I actually cancelled an appointment to do so in September. I didn't have a choice this time as I happened to do it just before ww planned to. I have been an advocate of doing so to break limbo and the associated abuse.
Well, lying is a big one. Another is if we share finances, you gotta be on the same page. ww's spending has been more and more out of hand, looking like she's stocking up and doing shady money stuff.
I decided that her breaking these and not actually working to make them better, on top of the limbo, gives me no other option than to file to protect my son and me.
I did so and she was served today. She pushed to talk last night and shared that she was gonna file tomorrow.
I honestly hoped that filing might shake her up but that's not gonna happen and this wasn't a bluff. Reality might but I'm not holding out for that. I look forward to really separating and moving forward with my life. This has been abusive and I'm sick of looking over my shoulder. Some weight had been lifted but not all.
What boundaries do you have for your separation? Boundaries should be specific and tangible, less feelings based. For example, "out of hand" and "on the same page" are somewhat subjective, while "discussing all income and expenditures that impact our joint account" is less subjective.
-PM
The above boundary around money was for marriage and the budget that I made defines that clearly. Filing is how it's enforced. Once separated, the only real boundary is abuse/neglect of our son and I'd enforce that one legally.
Haven't updated for a while. Filed and am going through he process. Can't share too much. Obviously many ups and downs but definitely doing better. The worst was the discovery of the a. Currently in house s that has a deadline.
One thing I do want to share with everyone is this show that premieres tonight. The trailers for it definitely was full of triggers. I decided weeks ago that I wouldn't watch it. As I'm doing better I decided to read about it and may watch it some time. Could be uplifting and funny. I'll say that it does make me super mad and protective of the main character.
My one point was to let people know that while many parts are sad and I will have more sadness to come, it hasn't and probably won't get worse than the discovery of the a. That's just me and it's been one of my mantras but I hope that can help others.
What is the day to day like under the same roof? Is the A still active? You say your are doing better. What have you done to make that happen? Are you still hoping to bust your divorce and reconcile?
Minimal communication. Mainly talk about our s. After dinner and washing up, I often just do my own thing. It's weird and rough at first but I'll be ok.
Following the rules and sandi2's advice are key. Don't allow yourself to be disrespected. Detach. You have to be able to really let go of the possibility that things could be fixed. She really went way too far(not like any of this was ok) but I needed to file for my son's sake. Reconciliation is pretty much impossible.
I'm guessing that's not what you wanted to hear. People come on here to fix their marriages. Some ws' just don't want to change. Not breaking contact, being remorseful, and being willing to help heal are key. Absence of any of those are bad news. I went really far, spent a lot of money on coaching(3), books(lots), and counseling(6). I still see an ic and it's for me. If you can swing it, that can be good but be selective. Don't be shy about firing them. Good luck.
I'm not wanting or judging, just curious on your desires and goals at this stage, learning from others and supporting them in their situations.
I'm guessing that's not what you wanted to hear. People come on here to fix their marriages. Some ws' just don't want to change. Not breaking contact, being remorseful, and being willing to help heal are key. Absence of any of those are bad news.
From what I understand, the remorse and willingness to heal don't come until well after the A ends. If anything, my WW has become more determined since I found out about the EA. A couple of half hearted efforts early on to break contact, but now I just get words, BS, and spew. My DB coach did say that the A has to burn itself, the reality set in, before the WW will start seeing anything clearly. I get you though, it's like a big FU when they won't stop. I think if mine had been having a PA, I would have ended it and moved out, it took me many months to find out about DBing.
Good luck with it, be the rock your son needs.
My general goal sounds like a cliche but is real: to be the best dad and happy and healthy for myself. I have to rebuild my life financially and emotionally after this stuff has settled and I have plans for both.
Hi Jug,
So sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I know how bad it is.
Most of the time, the advice around here is going to be "wait it out." The A, always ends. But that leaves you in limbo for what feels like an eternity. I wasn't willing to do it (and neither was TxHubby). I THOUGHT my W and I were working on our R while we were S. As soon as I found out that the A was continuing, I filed for D. I refused to live in limbo. And as imperfect as I am, I refused to be treated that way.
I do believe that had I not filed for D, I would not be where I am today: Piecing my M back together.
BUT, it was not a magic bullet. My W did NOT suddenly come out of the fog when I filed for D. In fact, she acted like she could care less. It was only after OM dumped her and my w was forced to meet face to face with OM's W that she started to come around. Even then, it was like pulling teeth. And now, 10 months into piecing, we STILL have our struggles and I imagine we will for some time. I know my W loves me and that she is remorseful but she has her demons to battle. This is a long, hard road.
Above all else, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Even if you are an expert DB'r, it still requires your W to do her part to make things work and there is no guarantee that she will. So take care of yourself so that you are a better person no matter what the outcome of you M.
Lim,
Thanks for dropping by. Your posts were a source of inspiration through filing. I read many of them over and over. The deal was that she told me she was gonna file the day before she was served. Reconciliation isn't on the docket. Even so, I'm doing so much better. I accept this is happening and I'll deal with it. Much sadness but also hope. My eyes are more open to what she's always been and also how what she did isn't ok. I wish you the best in your journey.
If anything, my WW has become more determined since I found out about the EA. A couple of half hearted efforts early on to break contact, but now I just get words, BS, and spew. My DB coach did say that the A has to burn itself, the reality set in, before the WW will start seeing anything clearly. I get you though, it's like a big FU when they won't stop. I think if mine had been having a PA, I would have ended it
I'm going to go against the grain on this. By the time they even consider having an affair, we are less than nothing to them. Sure, some may have guilt because they know that an affair would hurt us, but the guilt wouldn't send them back to us.
Some are able to overlook affairs. Some aren't. There are valid reasons on both sides of the coin. I have a very hard time believing that someone could fully reinvest themselves in a marriage when they had an affair, especially a PA.
If anything, my WW has become more determined since I found out about the EA. A couple of half hearted efforts early on to break contact, but now I just get words, BS, and spew. My DB coach did say that the A has to burn itself, the reality set in, before the WW will start seeing anything clearly. I get you though, it's like a big FU when they won't stop. I think if mine had been having a PA, I would have ended it
I'm going to go against the grain on this. By the time they even consider having an affair, we are less than nothing to them. Sure, some may have guilt because they know that an affair would hurt us, but the guilt wouldn't send them back to us.
Some are able to overlook affairs. Some aren't. There are valid reasons on both sides of the coin. I have a very hard time believing that someone could fully reinvest themselves in a marriage when they had an affair, especially a PA.
Despite my situation, I believe people can and do recover their marriages after affairs but the waywards have to have remorse and put in some work. Oh yeah, they have to actually stop too. Whether the betrayed takes them back or not is a personal decision.