First off, I am glad to have found this forum. My wife and I have been married for 9 years. I am 35 and she is 34 now. We have 2 boys ages 1 and 8. We started dating when she was just a teenager and I was 20. I was still a little wild, going out and drinking and stuff. I have a one night stand while we were dating and never told her about it. I lied about it because I did not want to hurt her and wanted to marry my wife. Some years after we were married, after our first child, I came clean. she cornered me about it and I admitted it. it was damaging for her. She suffered postpartum depression after my first child and get better. We then had a second child, planned. She suffered PPD again after our 2nd child but this time was way worse. She was hospitalized and new medications were prescribed for depression and anxiety. just 8 months later, she was going out, being social and met 2 guys at a bar. She exchanged numbers with one of them and they began to have inappropriate conversations. No clue if it ever progressed, but I was clueless until I stumbled across these unknown numbers in our cell bill. When I confronted her I thought things we ok, until she got very mad. she said I was not giving her privacy. She began talking to another guy from the bar via text who is 10 years younger than her and single. I began doing bad things, like checking her phone for messages, email, and facebook. She was messaging him on facebook and other ways. she said they were just friends. I dont believe in having friends that are that new of the opposite sex. While I do not know for sure if she has been unfaithful, I do know we have not had sex since before I approached her about the guys. I admit, I have been a bit angry and upset and may have said some things that were hurtful, but i had no clue my wife was talking to these people. She has been on antidepressants and anxiety meds. Celexa, Wellbutrin, and at one time seraquel. We had a good few weeks last month but that was ruined by me seeing texts on her phone by the second guy, telling her if she was stressed out to "Rub one out". I flipped out. Nobody should talk to my wife like that. So those few good weeks were ruined. So now, she is trying to wean herself off of meds under dr's supervision. She has told me recently she didnt think she could ever be physical with me or trust me. I told her if that was the case she needed to leave me, and I walked away from her just to give myself space. She texted me back and asked that i be patient and let her wean herself off the meds and she didnt feel herself. I have told her I am all about forgiveness, but that doesnt make anything wash away. I love her dearly, but will not compete for my wifes attention or affection. I will not do separation or divorce and return to marriage with her. If it cant be worked out now while I am eager I dont want to put myself through all these emotions again.
Anyone else experience wives on medications acting out? We had a pretty good marriage before or i thought we did. She has gone as far as to tell me at times she faked it and then came back to say she didnt. She told me she lost feelings for me when she got out the hospital a year ago. She has very little emotions but shows anger. She said she has no feeling for me or anything really. we have done individual counselling along with couples counselling.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
by me seeing texts on her phone by the second guy, telling her if she was stressed out to "Rub one out".
Wow. Just wow. You have a lot more to worry about than worrying if meds are causing this. I'd be willing to bet that is at an EA, but a PA much more likely.
My ex was on FOUR different meds. It isn't the meds that cause such behavior - they can't create what is already there.
hmmm... I would read on this forum as much as possible, as soon as possible, so you will have less regrets, so to speak, on what you do and say...
I would be prepared to learn she has had an affair... Emotional or physical.... both are not good to learn about...so be prepared so you can remain calm. And postpone any decisions you are making in your head.... you can decide on separation or divorce or ultimatums at any time in the future. (These thoughts and actions will be hard to do on day one and for some on day 100)
I think it is ok to compete for your wife. You do not own her...even if you are married. You can be sad that she does not love you 100% like she used to... Maybe she loves you 60%.... and that feels unfair (I know from personal experience) But I recommend to first try to do what you will read here. Be patient calm and expect bad things to happen--try to act like a person you would be proud to be when you look back on this 30 years from now.
This stuff is painful, awful, ugly and unfair.
But do the actions outlined an the forum. Do what works--not what you think you should do.....which will most likely be the opposite--- I think you focus on winning your wife back first and then decide later if you want to be married for ever. Win her back first and then decide (that probably does not sound good to everyone)
Oh and do not be upset about the rub one out stuff.... or focused on the person texting... this is all your W's doing....your W opens the door for people to talk this way to her...this is not about the other person... only about your W and your R.
ok to compete for your wife. You do not own her...even if you are married
With all due respect, that's an odd statement, sir. One should never have to compete for their spouse. Never. That's giving a green light.
thanks for all the responses. It has just been upsetting that my W could let someone intervene in our relationship, just no dignity. This is all from a girl that had a ton of that. I have already pretty much prepared myself to think she has had a PA, and I know it has been emotional. Anytime you cannot quit a relationship with someone of the opposite sex I consider it an affair. Not talking about family or long term friends, i refer to people you just met.
this is all really good info. Its terribly hard to sit on my hands and let her basically be single.
I have been suspecting PA, but she would never own up to that. She won't even agree that she has had EA. Crazy thing is, this kid is not even her type. Yes kid, he was 8 years old when we first met. So he is a boy to me period. I feel like he thinks he can do whatever he wants at this point.
I can see that came out wrong... My intent is to say, commit to the ideas shared on this forum (180, detaching, etc), commit and execute. If yo do these things well, you are competing for your wife. If you let your ego get in the way, it will be tough to execute on the ideas... My intent is to not say -- I will not compete
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I have been suspecting PA, but she would never own up to that. She won't even agree that she has had EA. Crazy thing is, this kid is not even her type. Yes kid, he was 8 years old when we first met. So he is a boy to me period. I feel like he thinks he can do whatever he wants at this point.
Normalcy and common sense go out the door when EA/PAs happen. So don't even begin to try to figure it out, because you won't. He might be a boy to you but not to her. Why would she admit to something that would cause trouble? My bet is that they will go even deeper down that rabbit hole.
Normalcy and common sense go out the door when EA/PAs happen. So don't even begin to try to figure it out, because you won't. He might be a boy to you but not to her. Why would she admit to something that would cause trouble? My bet is that they will go even deeper down that rabbit hole. [/quote]
I am not sure what she thinks. Her family is not very happy with her at this point and she had started trying to cut her own life with new friends. She has had moments of clarity but they are far and few in between. We were really close to mending things until that last text message I saw. Maybe it reminded her of why she liked hanging out with him. Or maybe I pushed her away by being so mad. I have no clue.
I dont use a computer at home. I am very careful about what I do around her. But not sure I would even care if she stumbled across this forum.
I dont use a computer at home. I am very careful about what I do around her. But not sure I would even care if she stumbled across this forum.
That is the point--do what works--> not what you think... listen to the the people here (not me)
If she finds your posts, she may think you are manipulating her and get more angry or something... you want to be calm above it all with a plan.... keep this work to yourself
even though my W and I have reconciled... or nearly reconciled... I have not shared with her this work... that I had a plan to do something like this.... I think it remains important that she knows and still knows that I will let her go yesterday and tomorrow if we do not have some boundaries in our relationship....
Also, do not spend anytime on the OM.... this is all about your W who will act like a child during this time.... selfish and mean....
What helped me... was I would think about love and if my daughter runaway and did something stupid... when she came home, I would love and take care of her.... (obviously it is not the same... ) but it was a way for me to think about who would take care of in my family even if they did something stupid for awhile...
Steady, your sitch sounds like it has worked out pretty good so far with quick results. My timeline is just like yours. EA or PA in July and sept, and confronted in August. Only difference is my WW was doing active things such as new bank account, new cell phone, pretty much cut all ties with me all while I maintain our checking account and our family plan for cell phones, which I am under contract with so I pay for 2 phones and only really need to pay for one. I believe she still has contact with the OM but have no way of knowing. The OM and her do still anger me because it just seems pointless other than destroying our relationship and marriage. We still live together but sleep in separate rooms, which is getting pretty old. I probably can't afford our lifestyle and kids without 2 incomes and neither can she at this moment. Since i confronted her about the EA, she has had 2 vehicle accidents and busted 3 tires on 2 separate occasions. She just seems as if she is spiraling.
Or maybe I pushed her away by being so mad
No, you didn't. If anything "pushed her away," it was being found out. But by then she was already away and not pushed. They tend to get angry when caught and called out, for some reason. Maybe its that whole projection thing.
Separation and divorce has been talked about alot in my household recently. I still love her and don't feel like its my responsibility for pay and file for separation. Here in my state you must physically be separated for 1 year before divorce occurs. I have told my WW that separation means divorce, there is no coming back for me. And for her to go ahead and file papers and i would support it even though I do not want it. Thats when she gets confused with no answers.
I am also going to check out the Divorce Remedy from the public library today. Not sure if that will help since my W has expressed no feelings for me. She also expressed she didnt think she would ever trust me or be physical with me again.
have told my WW that separation means divorce, there is no coming back for me. And for her to go ahead and file papers and i would support it even though I do not want it. Thats when she gets confused with no answers.
Maybe that's because she wants the results without the work?
I am also going to check out the Divorce Remedy from the public library today. Not sure if that will help since my W has expressed no feelings for me. She also expressed she didnt think she would ever trust me or be physical with me again.
I have the book and while it is full of great advice, it didn't work in my case for reasons explained elsewhere.
This whole thing of trusting and being physical with you thing is screaming OM to me. Is she referring to when you dated? Seems like she is trying to use it to justify her affair, to me. Something isn't right about that and it just seems like the typical guilt/justification thing. I may be wrong, though.
I dont know how to take the not trusting or physical issue either. That came out of the blue. We were physical up until i confronted her about the texting, which was almost 4 months ago. Maybe a few little pecks since then, nothing in a while now.
She has brought up my infidelity while we were dating throughout our years of marriage so that isnt a shocker. But now she makes that issue and my lying about it up as the root cause for her depression. Which in turn has changed the way she feels about me. She is tapering off A/D now which seems to be making her depressed again. She is doing it in hopes of regaining emotions, because she doesnt feel any right now.
We pray it will shed light on our marriage and our futures.
I am the one who wants to repair my marriage with my wayward wife should I skip the part of the book that is talking to both parties?
No expert here, but I think you should read all of it. It's good to have a perspective from the other person's point of view, even if it's painful. For example, my W cheated. Obviously, my initial reactions were anger, resentment, fear, desperation, etc. But after all of that wore off (a little, it hasn't really worn off all the way) I read a couple books about infidelity where the author addresses both parties separately in the beginning of the book. I think you really have to understand what the other person is going through before you can determine how to react.
I am the one who wants to repair my marriage with my wayward wife should I skip the part of the book that is talking to both parties?
Yes read it all.
Note - threads merged - stick to one thread until 100 posts
Obviously, my initial reactions were anger, resentment, fear, desperation, etc. But after all of that wore off (a little, it hasn't really worn off all the way)
Mine, too. I'm afraid it will never totally wear off, my friend. There is no way to un-forget what was seen, heard, or read. No way.
I struggle with that, deeply. I have always said a PA was the break all rule and end of it, but in this case I have forgiven her. But I will never forget everything. That's a curse of the human mind, it's all stored and WILL come back at the right (or wrong) moment.
And that's a big obstacle on trust. Those things come back and always rear their head which leads to thoughts of can you ever really trust?
All the stuff I have seen and know are a constant reminder of what people are capable of. But the way I see if, I am gonna have trust issues with her or someon new. Only difference, my W has to regain and win my trust. A new person will have to prove new trust.
I told her again that if she left or separated I was done with our marriage and I would not be able to start over as my emotions have been exhaustin me. Inam ready to be happy. I like who I am now, I want to share my love. She told me last night she was scared if she left that she would miss me and that she may want to come back. I told her I was sorry, I support whatever her decision is, but once we have split we are done. Is thatbwrong?? That's truly how I feel. It's been 6 months of agony for me and we currently live under the same roof.
MLH,
Sandi said that when she was in her EA, she imagined that she'd have the OM and her husband would remain in her life as a friend. She said that when her husband told her that he wasn't going to be her friend if they divorced, she began to understand the implications divorce.
In my opinion, you did the right thing.
So what happened with sandi? My W told me today she wanted to go back to our marriage counselor. I told her I would. Which maybe its progress. Baby steps. Just ready for some progress. Next week she will cut another pill out her regimens. So time will tell. I am not expecting much though.
I told her I was sorry, I support whatever her decision is, but once we have split we are done. Is thatbwrong?? That's truly how I feel. It's been 6 months of agony for me and we currently live under the same roof.
I know how you feel. I was under the same roof for almost a year. I'm not sure, but I'd be kind of leery of that. It almost seems as if its an ultimatum for her in a sort of get with me or else kind of thing. Things take time, some come back that fast and some much later. One thing that we need to remember is that their decision to BD wasn't overnight - sometimes it was months or years in the making...and that is a lot to undo.
You know that whole patience is a virtue thing? Well, it kind of is. But don't ask me about because I have none...haha.
Steady, your sitch sounds like it has worked out pretty good so far with quick results. My timeline is just like yours. EA or PA in July and sept, and confronted in August. Only difference is my WW was doing active things such as new bank account, new cell phone, pretty much cut all ties with me all while I maintain our checking account and our family plan for cell phones, which I am under contract with so I pay for 2 phones and only really need to pay for one. I believe she still has contact with the OM but have no way of knowing. The OM and her do still anger me because it just seems pointless other than destroying our relationship and marriage. We still live together but sleep in separate rooms, which is getting pretty old. I probably can't afford our lifestyle and kids without 2 incomes and neither can she at this moment. Since i confronted her about the EA, she has had 2 vehicle accidents and busted 3 tires on 2 separate occasions. She just seems as if she is spiraling.
MLH-- hmmm--once I was able to know for sure about A (hearing a phone call) then it was easier for me to detach and let her go. I waited 5 days to say anything. This allowed me to stay calm and deliver the "Everyone is free to make there own choices and I am letting you go to do that" speech....I did not confront about A at that time. Another 5 days or so went by and my W was starting to show more attention to me (I did not have sex with her or anything during that time... maybe a kiss on the forehead... ) after another 5 days... the inquires I made to her recent trip to her hometown.. she could probably tell that I somehow found out... And then by the time I let her know, it was a light hearted conversation... I simply said "I now about --OM name'--" She said she could tell by then I must know.. and wondered who told me. She had no idea that I could be inquisitive enough and pay attention to what she was doing. (she thought I was too busy with my work life and did not care enough to pay attention to it....like her turning her location services off on her phone...) duh.... Most my W thought I would never find out due to the 3,000 miles away ....
My W did not want to lose me and I do not think she wanted the OM for long term... So I was lucky. I did have to let her know directly that I was letting her go... and with my tone, she could tell I was serious ....(not yelling just a calm direct tone) So when she knew I was serious--I asked her to read about infidelity and she did, I asked her to write a note to me about what was important in a R and she did, I asked her to cut contact with OM and she did and I asked her to give me access to her electronics and she did and she cancelled her FB account on her own.... I do think I was lucky compared to others on this forum. I do think it was important to clearly let her know I was letting her go...I did not use the divorce word.
In my case, my W thought I had no idea of A and OM... so when I confronter her, it only took her a couple of days to act more like a kid that got in trouble. She went from being kind of a jerk and posturing with me over things... for example, give me the silent treatment for something, to being the nicest person in the world ... so far it has been 50 days... of great stuff.
I thought we would split up and I am still not sure where we will land. (I have to overcome some things, like the I had a fantasy R with my W and now I know she is like this, and I was living in a dream....uhg) Ok probably we will work out.... but my work is not done.
Steady,
I could not wait once I learned of someone and my wife texting all hours of the. Ifht. I even called the number To only hear a guy pick
Up. I was pissed! I know now I should have reacted differently and see how it played out but I am not in an open relationship. I did all the. As things, got intimate her phone and Facebook. Saw more uncomfortable things. Now she doesn't trust me because of me snooping. I now know snooping is the worst.
I could not wait once I learned of someone and my wife texting all hours of the. Ifht. I even called the number To only hear a guy pick
Up. I was pissed! I know now I should have reacted differently and see how it played out but I am not in an open relationship. I did all the. As things, got intimate her phone and Facebook. Saw more uncomfortable things. Now she doesn't trust me because of me snooping. I now know snooping is the worst.
Funny how they get angry about our snooping. They are angry at our finding out about their shenanigans... I snooped and found some downright disgusting things and guess what? I got blamed - that whole projection of guilt...
I didn't get blamed but me snooping around was the worst thing in the world that could been going on at the time. She belittled the fact that she had began talking and texting to a guy she met at the bar. Now she says she has trusted now she said she has trust issues because she cannot trust me around her phone. I knew when I started looking in the phone that I may see something that I did not like and I did. I told her I was willing to work on it and move forward and keep it in the past but it will be part of my history. She is still mad that I went into her phone and sell things on her Facebook messenger.
Also to note I didn't just begin going through her phone. I suspected she was still texting one of the two guys and I wanted to verify that she wasn't. Our relationship has never had phones that we were off-limits to. She began putting a password on her phone and also laying her phone facedown. Those were too suspicious signs that I saw. Then she changed your passcode to something totally different which I knew had a connection with one of the guys. What she said that she thought I was putting tracking software on her phone she got a new phone. I never once put tracking software on her phone but I will admit I had use the I phone tracking service that every iPhone has it one time to see were her whereabouts were.
she has trust issues because she cannot trust me around her phone.
That's because she doesn't want you to see her contact with the OM.
She is still mad that I went into her phone and sell things on her Facebook messenger.
Of course, she got caught.
MLH-- I was able to snoop and then have my data in place, all of the data I needed to let her know that I knew...
Then I calmly let her go.... And I guess she could have said, ok, I am moving out. I was prepared for that. I think it is key for the W to know that you are prepared--or detached... that is the only way to get the W to turn around if they are going to turn around... they have to see your car is leaving for good... (obviously you can change your mind later as things change) This is not an ultimatum... just boundaries.... -I only want to be with you if these things happen or these things do not happen... people are free to make their own choices and then you decide.
Not sure if you need to snoop anymore... You have the data you need. Right?
Also--I think when she gets mad... you could practice your demeanor... calmly say, yes, I looked at it just needed to confirm that you did not want to be in a R with me since you did not tell me... (not sure if this fits if she told you already) I will not look anymore and I will move forward knowing you are making your own choices. and leave it at that.... she should know that you will make your own choices without you saying the words.
My best advice, is to do the stuff said on this forum... find a way to get your mind and heart right so that you can be happy and detached... all the time, not shaken, remain calm..... It is the best way to get your W to turn around if it is going to occur... It is not the time to think you do not want her back if this or that happens... first things first.... do what is said here, if she comes back, then you decide then what you will do... do not decide now.
MLH-- I was able to snoop and then have my data in place, all of the data I needed to let her know that I knew...
Not sure if you need to snoop anymore... You have the data you need. Right?
I have my data saved for reference. I was keeping a log book but as I began getting more depressed I stopped. I began taking medication and started working on myself vs putting all efforts into that log book. I have stopped being as snoopy. I think she has made some financial decisions That wouldn't be beneficial to our marriage.
She also won't ask me to sleep in our bed together. We were doing this just a little less than a month ago before our last fight. She called our marriage counselor and set a session up on her own free will as I have began this letting go process. I am having mixed feelings it seems. I love her, but at the same time I wonder if I could be happier with someone else.
She also won't ask me to sleep in our bed together. We were doing this just a little less than a month ago before our last fight. She called our marriage counselor and set a session up on her own free will as I have began this letting go process. I am having mixed feelings it seems. I love her, but at the same time I wonder if I could be happier with someone else.
Tell her that since she left the relationship, she needs to leave the marital bed - and say it like that. And you, MLH, DO NOT leave the bed. Its up to her. As far as your snooping, as long as you have enough info to prove an affair, then stop. You've got all you need. DO NOT throw it away. It will come in VERY useful if there are divorce proceedings.
I love her, but at the same time I wonder if I could be happier with someone else
Very telling statement. Very. To me, if you are wondering like you say, then that says you are just as done as she is and it is time to move on.
Time to focus on yourself. And get your head clear (don't make my mistake) before bringing anyone else into the picture...only AFTER you are divorced, of course. Now, sex, on the other hand, with someone else after the divorce is sometimes just what the doctor ordered.
MLH--I have been back with my W for 50 days... she has been very nice to me for these 50 days... I have been up and down in my head about our M over this time frame...happy or not as happy--for me, it is related to the judgement, forgiveness, blame etc.... If I could do these things completely, I think I would be happy... But I also know she is not the person I created in my head over the past 15 years.... I had a fantasy (not reality) about our marriage and about her.... I am nice to her, I do not get angry (or she never sees it so to speak) I never yell or raise my voice during this whole time. My intent has been that if we make it through this, I would have done mostly the right things.... being mature...
I wanted to save the MR so to speak, and then know I may need to walk away later because maybe I could be happier with someone else or by myself etc... This helps me even today. I try to do the best things to save the MR... I used this forum for ideas...
I thought what is the harm in working to save the MR and then if I change my mind, it is my choice, versus hers (maybe that is selfish...) but it helped me stay focused and less emotional.
I guess I should clarify. I am not looking for someone else. I just try and picture if another person would treat me better and make me happy. Trying to be a nice guy without being a door mat is tough. I am naturally easy going and laid back. But this EA she was invested in brought the worst out of me and she says she didn't like it. Duh! I wouldn't have been add in that way if she wouldn't of been involved with another guy.
MLH--I think I understand what you are saying...
It is a tough position--the crazy W does these things---and then we have to pick up the pieces and behave mature during the process--we did not ask for this .....
That is the tough part....
I do not due it well all the time... I try to remember that the road is wider than I think it is... so to speak, I just try to keep driving down the road. I could have done a few things better.... but in general I keep this old guy in my head... If I was 70 and looking back and talking to my son who has an issue with his wife, could I say, well your mother and I had a similar issue, and just tell it as a life story... things happen...and you take it on and move forward and good times outweigh the bad times.... enough to make it worth it.... Easier to say when it is not you. In the end --that is the trick--get the emotion out of the way and what would you do if it was not you.....
If you are not emotional--you could say--just do it and give it some time... she will come back and then you can see what the R is like..... Obviously if your W does something to far gone well then you may say, that is too much...
I certainly though an A was way too much..... before.... when I started reading and saw that this is common... then I tried to be more patient.... still crazy to me... I cannot believe how common it is... how people get carried away and go down the rabbit hole...
I have plenty of other things to do with my life, I work out, go to work and focus on kids and family and there is no time left..... But my W had time because she was a stay at home mom.... so time to talk to people on FB etc..... she was bored. So I try to understand.....I work hard for her and kids.... and she is bored.
But it is what it is....now.....
I hope some of this is helpful
Steady, my wife works a full time job. Thats the disheartening thing. Throughout these few months she chose not to be around her family because she said the tension was too much with us 2. I am the main contributor to our childrens lives. Take them to school and daycare. My wife works a job that requires her to be in early but even on her days off I take the kids where they need to be and typically bring them home. She chose to hang out with this guy on her off time, instead of work on our relationship. Now that being said, I dont know where her mind was then. I dont know where it is now, she does spend time at home and we have done a little as a family, part of me thinks she is just hanging in for the holidays.
She called our marriage counsellor last week and scheduled us an appt this week on her own free will. Not sure if she is trying to manipulate my mind to put it at ease until after the holidays or if she truly wants to see if she has what it takes to repair us. She is on week 3 of her med weaning process and she told me she has started feeling depressed, which I know was going to happen, natural reaction. Anyone have any experience with these things
Thats the disheartening thing. Throughout these few months she chose not to be around her family because she said the tension was too much with us 2. I am the main contributor to our childrens lives. Take them to school and daycare. My wife works a job that requires her to be in early but even on her days off I take the kids where they need to be and typically bring them home. She chose to hang out with this guy on her off time, instead of work on our relationship. Now that being said, I dont know where her mind was then. I dont know where it is now, she does spend time at home and we have done a little as a family, part of me thinks she is just hanging in for the holidays.
Right there with you. Mine sees them every other weekend since she lives in a different state. And that's it. Even before she moved (military), I did everything. School, sports, etc. However, my ex thinks she's a great mom.
well, i have told my W that if she moves outside our town that she wont have to worry about seeing them on a regular basis. My childrens childhood is most important and having a child an established school is important. I know, it sounds bad, but it is not their decision for us to split if we do, its hers.
She called our marriage counsellor last week and scheduled us an appt this week on her own free will. Not sure if she is trying to manipulate my mind to put it at ease until after the holidays or if she truly wants to see if she has what it takes to repair us.
Hello MLH,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Is the MC someone you have both been working with together or individually? Not all MC are created equal and some are not marriage friendly. Michele has an excellent video "When Couples Therapy is a Bad idea" I would be happy to send you a link via email if you contact me directly.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Here it is, close to christmas. My W and I have had a rough 6 months. First I confronted her about secret companionship (Possible EA or PA). Then we have been fighting since this was a huge deal to me. We have sought marital counsel. We have agreed to get along for our kids (1 and 8). We currently live in the same household. Right now, sleeping in the same bed, as opposed to earlier sleeping in different rooms. I beleive it was affecting my children. Now she dropped the bomb that she wants to move out in January. I am guessing she wants to get her finances together and stay around for the family through the holidays. She says she loves me and has some kind of feelings for me but needs to get away. I have told her once she leaves that I will completely give up on our marriage. I have fought for it for 6 months now. My sons pediatrician told me to never say never, he is a christian man as I am. He talked to me last week when I took my son in for an appt because he has been aware of our issues, including her postpartum depression bouts. I have been reading DB book and feel like i have already done most of the talking points thus far with negative results. I just want to be a nice guy, and know I did the right thing until the end. The end will be her leaving our house and/or filing separation papers. I know she is having a tough time because I can't imagine telling her I wanted to move out. But its hard for me as well because it will affect my life forever too. How should I act? She did call our marriage counsellor for another session but had to cancel due to another dr appt. She is trying to reschdule as far as I know.
this is week 4 of her weaning off meds. She seems ill at the fact that she is doing this for everyone but herself. Started indicating she wants to move out. Says she loves me. How much of this could be manipulation?
well, i have told my W that if she moves outside our town that she wont have to worry about seeing them on a regular basis. My childrens childhood is most important and having a child an established school is important. I know, it sounds bad, but it is not their decision for us to split if we do, its hers.
What did she say to that? Has there been an agreement in court/papers saying such - you have custody, right?
Even though ours is "joint," I made sure to get the education tie-breaker to me. Meaning, the she can't take the kids out of the state or even move them to another school. When she leaves the military, ours will go to a standard visitation.
this is week 4 of her weaning off meds. She seems ill at the fact that she is doing this for everyone but herself. Started indicating she wants to move out. Says she loves me. How much of this could be manipulation?
Not sure - but I'd be careful of any form of manipulation. Mine tried everything in the book, which worked early on but I caught on quick. And definitely be careful what you say/agree to in text/email/any written thing. Very careful.
Here it is, close to christmas. My W and I have had a rough 6 months. First I confronted her about secret companionship (Possible EA or PA). Then we have been fighting since this was a huge deal to me. We have sought marital counsel. We have agreed to get along for our kids (1 and 8). We currently live in the same household. Right now, sleeping in the same bed, as opposed to earlier sleeping in different rooms. I beleive it was affecting my children. Now she dropped the bomb that she wants to move out in January. I am guessing she wants to get her finances together and stay around for the family through the holidays. She says she loves me and has some kind of feelings for me but needs to get away. I have told her once she leaves that I will completely give up on our marriage. I have fought for it for 6 months now. My sons pediatrician told me to never say never, he is a christian man as I am. He talked to me last week when I took my son in for an appt because he has been aware of our issues, including her postpartum depression bouts. I have been reading DB book and feel like i have already done most of the talking points thus far with negative results. I just want to be a nice guy, and know I did the right thing until the end. The end will be her leaving our house and/or filing separation papers. I know she is having a tough time because I can't imagine telling her I wanted to move out. But its hard for me as well because it will affect my life forever too. How should I act? She did call our marriage counsellor for another session but had to cancel due to another dr appt. She is trying to reschdule as far as I know.
Hi MLH! It's tough, I know. Been there...for much longer than I want to admit or remember.
First, this "secret companionship." What is this? If she is keeping it secret, then it is either an EA or PA, or an EA that turned into a PA. No real in betweens on secrecy.
Like you, I did the things on here and a lot they said not to do. My ex is a different bird. Nothing worked with her. It took over a year before I filed...and I didn't want to and part of me wishes I hadn't, just because.
The fact that you are having a tough time doesn't mean she is. Mine wanted out, too. Didn't faze her a bit that I was hurting. However, at the time mine was in a PA and I mattered nothing to her. Not a d**n thing.
Mine also suggest a counselor, but instead of working on us and our marriage, it was to cover her bases and say she tried. How do I know this? Because at the time (unbeknownst to me) she was well in the middle of the affair and she told the MC (later my IC) that she definitely was not having an affair. Straight up lied. So, I wouldn't look too much into that...now if she were to go and turn around on you, that's different. But if she goes and it doesn't help, or she balks, or starts cancelling for various reasons (drs appointments are familiar to me), then those are flags.
I'm sorry you are in this, my friend. The best you can do is be the best Dad you can and get yourself straight. You do that, and you'll be fine. Your son needs you to be his rock.
Here it is, close to christmas. My W and I have had a rough 6 months. First I confronted her about secret companionship (Possible EA or PA). Then we have been fighting since this was a huge deal to me. We have sought marital counsel. We have agreed to get along for our kids (1 and 8). We currently live in the same household. Right now, sleeping in the same bed, as opposed to earlier sleeping in different rooms. I beleive it was affecting my children. Now she dropped the bomb that she wants to move out in January. I am guessing she wants to get her finances together and stay around for the family through the holidays. She says she loves me and has some kind of feelings for me but needs to get away. I have told her once she leaves that I will completely give up on our marriage. I have fought for it for 6 months now. My sons pediatrician told me to never say never, he is a christian man as I am. He talked to me last week when I took my son in for an appt because he has been aware of our issues, including her postpartum depression bouts. I have been reading DB book and feel like i have already done most of the talking points thus far with negative results. I just want to be a nice guy, and know I did the right thing until the end. The end will be her leaving our house and/or filing separation papers. I know she is having a tough time because I can't imagine telling her I wanted to move out. But its hard for me as well because it will affect my life forever too. How should I act? She did call our marriage counsellor for another session but had to cancel due to another dr appt. She is trying to reschdule as far as I know.
Hi MLH! It's tough, I know. Been there...for much longer than I want to admit or remember.
First, this "secret companionship." What is this? If she is keeping it secret, then it is either an EA or PA, or an EA that turned into a PA. No real in betweens on secrecy.
Like you, I did the things on here and a lot they said not to do. My ex is a different bird. Nothing worked with her. It took over a year before I filed...and I didn't want to and part of me wishes I hadn't, just because.
The fact that you are having a tough time doesn't mean she is. Mine wanted out, too. Didn't faze her a bit that I was hurting. However, at the time mine was in a PA and I mattered nothing to her. Not a d**n thing.
Mine also suggest a counselor, but instead of working on us and our marriage, it was to cover her bases and say she tried. How do I know this? Because at the time (unbeknownst to me) she was well in the middle of the affair and she told the MC (later my IC) that she definitely was not having an affair. Straight up lied. So, I wouldn't look too much into that...now if she were to go and turn around on you, that's different. But if she goes and it doesn't help, or she balks, or starts cancelling for various reasons (drs appointments are familiar to me), then those are flags.
I'm sorry you are in this, my friend. The best you can do is be the best Dad you can and get yourself straight. You do that, and you'll be fine. Your son needs you to be his rock.
I second what Jeep said. Sorry you are in this boat but you are not alone. My W says she is filing in January so she can pursue her POM. Get the support you need for yourself. Do you have people in your life in which you can confide? This is way too painful to do alone.
Gordie,
I do have people in my life who are very supportive of me. I couldn't ask for anything better. My wife has gone back and forth as far as divorce and separation and I feel like just the notion of it means negative things.
Jeep,
That secret companionship was in the form of texting, then visits. I have no clue if it was PA of EA, but I considered it EA because she would not not communications with the OM. Thats equally as bad IMO. Now she is living in our house and there are not as many times where she is in unknown places, but for all I know she is still texting him, but again, i don't know for sure. In the end, this OM will not amount to anything as he is very young and probably not prepared for a single mom of 2 with some mental illness involved.
We will see what happens at counsel. Would you suggest buy a small christmas gift or simply give the cold shoulder. I want to be as christian as possible and end or repair my marriage with grace and dignity.
Sandi said that when she was in her EA, she imagined that she'd have the OM and her husband would remain in her life as a friend. She said that when her husband told her that he wasn't going to be her friend if they divorced, she began to understand the implications divorce.
So what happened with sandi?
I am still here.
With the help from this board, my M was saved. It was a bit different in some respects, b/c when I came to the board I was a WW in an EA, via the Internet. The majority of the board's members (to my knowledge) are left-behind spouses. So, instead of my LBH getting the information, I was the one getting it.
Sp, to shorten this up. My W had started becoming friends with guys all of a sudden. We fought about it, we went through a tough patch of her not being around. She is fighting anxiety and PPD. She is on alot of antidepressants and has used antidepressants most of our married life. She says she hasnt been happy for a long time and thought it was her and now she just thinks it is our marriage. We have been married 9 years, have 2 kids, and been together for 16. When we dated, I cheated on her and never told her. She found out when we were married and I lied to protect our marriage. I finally admited and she says that changed her. that was maybe 4-5 years ago when i admited it. We have been in couples counselling, and she says she has tried to make it work. I have done everything possible. She told me she wants to move out, and file separation papers. I have read the entire book and done everything. The only thing I feel pretty firm on is when she moves out I don't know if I want to try our marriage again. I don't feel its fair for her to be done with our marriage in her mind and then come back when its convenient, i have been an emotional rollercoaster.
She says she looks at me like her best friend, but not as a husband. How does someone go from having children together to best friends. I told her I could not be her best friend if she was leaving me. Is that wrong?
I have merged all your threads together as it is best to stick to one thread until 100 posts and then start a new one.
I told her I could not be her best friend if she was leaving me. Is that wrong?
No if she is leaving you she is not your best friend.
She is you wife until you are legally divorced.
That might mean some tough love is involved.
If she has PPD - then TIME is on your side as it is likely to get better after a while.
Stop EXPECTING a DIVORCE,
if you don't want a divorce then make her do it.
That means to STFU and let go, detach, give her space.
DO NOT MOVE OUT of either the house or the MBR.
You can't stop her from doing it but your live there.
Now is the time to work on YOU.
So I have begun to think about my future. WW is still staying in our home in our MBR while i stay in the other room. She has told me she wants to move out next month and I have told her once that happens the one thing we have a problem with, communication, will not be worked on since we will not have any contact with each other. I asked her yesterday what her plans were for next month and she just turned her head and went silent, as if I wasnt even speaking. Things have gotten better for me in the sense of my emotions even though I wish we could work things out. I go to a divorce support group next week and hopefully that will give me some perspective. What are your thoughts on my W ignoring questions on her moving out or moving on?
What are your thoughts on my W ignoring questions on her moving out or moving on?
MLH,
You're pursuing and it's a complete turnoff for your W. Make a list of things you want to keep when she moves out, and then show her the list so that she can approve, or not, of the items on the list. Show her that you're preparing for her to move on.
This is the first time i have asked in a while, figured it was worth a try to get an idea of what i needed to do. I have already told her that i respect whatever she does and just want it to be a smooth transaction. Even though I am sure it wont. I also have stopped asking her to pitch in to the families household bills so she does not feel trapped. I know i mentioned PPD and her but i believe the PPD is at the end of its cycle, or hope so. Time will tell, I think her main reason for no wanting to work on us is because of everything I know and she doesnt trust me. GO FIGURE
I also have stopped asking her to pitch in to the families household bills so she does not feel trapped.
MLH,
In my opinion, you're just funding her move out and you'll have that much less money for yourself if she does move out. Regardless, it still feels like pursuit to me (i.e. I'll pay you to stay).
I have a hard time figuring out what I'm doing is pursuing her or not. I feel like me asking for her to pitch in on bills is trapping her to stay in our home. I only ask her what she is up to so I know what to expect in a the future. I guess there's a real thin line between pursuing somebody and cutting the cord.
MLH
-- I am not sure either... but one thought I had was, it may be related to how much money you have. In my situation, I have enough money to move my W some place. So I when I was working on detachment, I suggested she could move out and we would find a way to take care of it. And my mindset, or posture, was to say it non emotionally, like here you go, here is your new place and it looks comfortable, for example (It did not go this far for me)... This only works if money is not tight and thus not emotional....
Also, I think you know what is pursuing... more than we do... Just step back and think about what you are doing from another perspective.... like you are watching yourself --and your W is just another actor in the scene... does it look like your are pursuing...???
Emotion versus rational thinking --an amazing thing. Emotions should get moved out of your head as much as possible....
I am in a place where my W and I are reconciling... but I am only able to do it by finding times where I can move emotions out and then think with some rationale... I struggle with mind movies and stupid/mean things my W said to me... but the rational me knows I am unable to make good decisions today... so i keep working with my W and the R and building new memories.... and save my emotional memory for later or for certain times during the week...
I have a hard time figuring out what I'm doing is pursuing her or not. I feel like me asking for her to pitch in on bills is trapping her to stay in our home. I only ask her what she is up to so I know what to expect in a the future. I guess there's a real thin line between pursuing somebody and cutting the cord.
Hello MLH,
Are you still with us?
Has your wife been helping with the household expenses prior to the issues between the two or you? Continuing to ask her questions is pursuing and probably driving her further away.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004