Previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695080#Post2695080To recap. Been separated since July swinging through sadness and anger. Sadness is the worst, didnt know you could drown in sadness. Anger is my lifeline i am ashamed to admit. It helps me stand straighter and grab the day by its balls. I like anger i like it alot more than sadness.
Now my anger has a personification, a 1100cc hell beast i ride come rain or shine. I was convinced i would ride it into the sunset. Only problem is she has decided to throw a wrench in my plans.
Shes not filing, nor does she want to reconcile. Spouses! cant kill em......or can you?
Feeling good but mostly its because of the anger has pulled me out of my slump. I was wallowing in self pity the past week.
Leaving tomorrow for 3 week long getaway in the UK with S5. Looking forward to it and hoping i find some peace and happiness through the holidays.
Oh here is another wrench by her. She's not interested in reconciling but doesn't mind if we try dating but re-iterates she doesn't know if she can find any feelings for me.
6 months ago i would have jumped at this, now im actually a little insulted to be honest. Is it just me? but if shes not willing to fight for her husband we feel we should just pull the trigger and divorce. I havnt responded to her.
Do i need some 2x4s?
6 months ago i would have jumped at this, now im actually a little insulted to be honest. Is it just me? but if shes not willing to fight for her husband I feel we should just pull the trigger and divorce. I havnt responded to her.
Natus,
Are you in a place where you can "just date" without any real commitment to try and make things work, and then just end it if things don't work?
I personally don't think you're in a place where you could just date her, because I don't believe you have completed your healing process and are happy on your own, which would complicate any relationship, but especially dating your almost ex-wife.
But, I wouldn't blame you if you said yes if you really felt like that was what you wanted, but I hope you would want it from a place other than you feel a need to be with her.
A month since my last update.
Been away throughout Dec with S5 visiting my relatives all over UK. Went all the way from Scotland all the way down to plymouth and saw my cousins and uncles that i havnt seen in years. It was nice. Spent christmas and new year week at my gran mothers at Birmingham.
It was nice, i was content and happy, i think single fatherhood suits me. No roller coaster, no wondering. But in a way that maybe cause it was all an escape.
The last few days before coming back mood started to swing. Knowing that i have to handover S5 seems to always get on me.
So much so that i had a dream about her and in that dream she betrayed me again.
I bought gifts (got caught up in the christmass spirit) for S5 cousins both on my side and hers. They all live in the same house on her side as they all live in her parents house. Even bought her a book cause she had mentioned it previously before i left and i just happen to come across it. Almost bought pressies for her parents but thought better not, i have no issue with buying for the kids but buying for her parents would be too much since we are not together. Its not like they celebrate Christmas anyway.
Coconut, Im kinda convinced that she just offered it up as appeasement or a way to convince herself she tried. Im not touching that. If she really wanted to fix the M than maybe. I havnt seen anything to date from her in that regards.
So to sum up. Still in limbo but preparing myself for a life without her. Would be so much easier without S5. I dont miss her anymore but i hate that my little boy's family is split.
Got to admit though hes taking it so well. He is joyful and happy. Doesn't seem to ask where is mommy even though we were away for 3 weeks. Maybe because daddy spoils him. Just hope hes not bottling it all up. He is so young and does not quite understand whats going on yet but he will get older and i know it will crop up at.
Its funny being back and the roller coaster emotions returned. Its taken me this long to realise that i have not let go, just buried it deep.
I dont know, if its the new year spirit but im starting to feel like maybe its going to be okay. No anger, not hurt (okay maybe a little bit when i dwell on it)but yea i can look at her now and go okay, we are at different places with different wants in life.
I want a family (thats not new) while her interest seems to be more centered around her.
To sum up over the week, i've accepted limbo. Im okay with it, it doesnt mean anything until i decide to get off.
Natus,
I'm still pining for the smiley face girl. Whatever happened to her?
Oh hey doodler, either shes giving me signals or im day dreaming :> alas shes in a relationship with another. Plus i've learnt shes pretty high maintenance. My quota for showing a girl the world is spent for the moment. Im more interested in me and my boy.
My quota for showing a girl the world is spent for the moment. Im more interested in me and my boy.
Natus,
I totally understand and often share your sentiment. Have fun with your son!
Hey Natus,
My W proposed the "dating" thing too - but in her context it was to see if we can rekindle the relationship and see if we are still M compatible.
In my case I'm going along with it and can say it's been a pretty positive experience so far, I feel like we are growing closer and reconnecting but she's still not committing to the M.
During the last 2 weeks she has opened up more to me then she has in a long time - and has also opened up about the R (that's what kicked it off). With her finally being honest about that I felt we could move forward and at least see where it goes.
Time will tell where this will go, and in your heart you need to be open and ready for it.
Hey Pac,
Good to hear progress on your side. In my case i really dont believe she wants too. Kinda like the last time she asked for MC but never made time for it. Kinda confirmed it when i recently said sure lets try dating. She pretty much backtracked and said not now.
Difference is im okay with it, pretty much confirmed my suspicions is all and in a way is helping me move forward cause now im not wondering if she meant what she said.
Im not sure your W opening up means anything Pac. Mines being doing that all this while whenever she gets the chance to share something. I'd say keep your expectations pretty chill.
Im not sure your W opening up means anything Pac. Mines being doing that all this while whenever she gets the chance to share something. I'd say keep your expectations pretty chill.
Good advice... yeah I really got excited off the bat but things have settled back down substantially now... we are still talking more than before the New Year, but spending time together has been limited to two weekends thus far. She's also not seemingly making an effort to see any MC yet.
Handover days are the hardest. I drop s5 at school then dont see him till the end of the week. Does it get easier?
yes it does... I still don't like it but we've "adjusted" to the new routine. Give it time!
Valentines day and anniversary in March coming up. Its almost 12 months since ILYBINILWY.
Looking back Im amazed at the journey i've had. Hitting absolute rock bottom, there was some really really dark moments there where i thought i couldn't continue. Thankfully i've crawled out of that space and now feel am coasting.
S5 is staying with me full time now and i'm busy re-painting his bedroom preparing for his custome batmobile bed to arrive and converted some old wardrobes and drawers into batman theme as well as made a batman toy chest out of recycled furniture.
Interaction with her has been smooth when it does happen. We dont communicate often except for logistics and giving updates
on S5. I have no expectations anymore thankfully.
Would never have guessed i'd be here but i am. My tip for anyone if any is to stop fixating on the end goal (divorce or together) it will drive you crazy like it did me. Focus on yourself and living in the now.
S5 is staying with me full time now and i'm busy re-painting his bedroom preparing for his custom batmobile bed to arrive and converted some old wardrobes and drawers into batman theme as well as made a batman toy chest out of recycled furniture.
Natus,
That's awesome!
Falling behind on the painting, only manage to do it during weekends but its coming along. Little boy is so joyful, i am amazed at his strength through this. Apart from being a rambunctious little 5 year old (soon to be 6)every now and then hes been a model child. I'm happy but it does throws me off a little.
Natus,
It's good to hear from you. I'm glad things are going well. I'm running behind with my home projects as well; the holidays and weather have slowed progress.
I'm glad your son is doing so well. Children are so amazing; sometimes they seem to have more wisdom and strength than the adults.
Pheew been a couple months.
Its been a roller coaster and in some ways it still is. Only now the dips and turns feels less extreme and more "meh".
Got a court date next month for the big D, filing kinda felt good, like a load off me. As much as i enjoyed my GAL and other activities i did not enjoy being 'married' to someone i wasnt with.
As to why i filed, even though we were separated she kinda left a hook in, dropping lines every few months like shall we try dating and "do you think it can work", but when i called her out (as in sure lets go out) she changes tune. So after almost a year of that i'm just done.
Its a weird process from Bomb drop, the initial shock and clawing to save the marriage, the emotional rollercoaster aftewards that continued on for months and months. Its been 13 months from that day now, im not 100% yet, but i find im doing more than ok.
Hi Natus,
I've not read back on your thread, but just hearing the strength in the tone of your last post is encouraging. You sound amazing! Although the marriage is ending, I'm willing to bet you are coming out of this wiser, certainly stronger, and possibly even on your way to being happier than you've ever been. And really that's a goal we all should have, like you said, without focusing on the marital outcome. That's exhausting and a waste of time, a lesson I'm learning the hard way. Keep up the good work and loving on your little Batman!
PAs to why i filed, even though we were separated she kinda left a hook in, dropping lines every few months like shall we try dating and "do you think it can work", but when i called her out (as in sure lets go out) she changes tune. So after almost a year of that i'm just done.
Why do you think that being DIVORCED will change that?
PAs to why i filed, even though we were separated she kinda left a hook in, dropping lines every few months like shall we try dating and "do you think it can work", but when i called her out (as in sure lets go out) she changes tune. So after almost a year of that i'm just done.
Why do you think that being DIVORCED will change that?
Being divorced is for me. That marriage was done when Bomb dropped a little over a year ago only i refused to accept it. She has no desire to get back to me and i am at the stage i am okay with that.
Ah i forgot to journal how its easier now with handover.
This took a while but i realised i was kinda clinging onto my on son. As if not being a super daddy made me bad daddy. I dont remember how but i got into a conversation where i recalled my parents offloading me and my brothers to our grans during school holidays and some(most) weekends. It made me realise that didnt make them bad parents and i had tons of fun.
I dont feel guilty anymore and if anything i feel quite happy. Plus i know s6 is happy, hes ton of cousins at her place (she moved back in with her mum - its a full house with her brothers and sisters kids there too).
So now i gleefully hand s6 over to her.
Texted the stbx happy mothers day a little belatedly as i was out of town. Im a little amazed at myself how easy it felt. Was at a mixed martial art competition for the weekend. It feels good to do my own thing.
Admittedly sometimes the M will pop up in my head and i'll start to miss it but they come once in awhile now and last for seconds.
9 Days to D court date. Trying to figure out how to treat myself.
The D is done. Was a bit of a rollercoaster ride leading up to it but its okay now. I was disappointed though at the seeming finality of it, that the M has come to an end and in some ways i blame her for pulling me into her families track record of divorce.
Feel a little clueless now. In the beginning it was about surviving the D. Now its done i need to look inwards and decide what next.
Natus,
I've followed your story almost from day one. I am not sure if I ever posted on your threads, but I did follow. Your sitch was definitely a roller coaster. Good luck and please continue to post to let us know what's going on with you.
Hey Thanks RDS. Nothing much at the moment but it seems the Divorce has dragged up the anger. Looking to schedule some time off work and go on a trip, maybe somewhere with beach.
You had a strong border regarding OM as I can see. I was in a similar situation where W did change job but continued contact.
Unlike me you have confidence in yourself. I hope happiness will come to your life. Good luck going forward.
Journaling my post D journey.
I went complete NC the day of the divorce, back story i had always kept a line open on the guise of logistics whatever for son (we use to let our son send voice notes in the morning and at night). Now i realised that sort of hurt my ability to completely detached. It let her keep a hook in whether it was intentional or not. So im feeling a little free-er now that i dont have to deal with that every morning and night.
Is it possible to be WAS after D? :> Cause i feel like one. Did some flirting and coffee over the weekend which was fun, great gal but to bad spoken for (not married but in a relationship). Why are all the cute ones im into spoken for...sigh.
Had a long weekend, three full days painting room by myself. So sore but its a good soreness. Planned to do simple matte white walls, grey beams and gloss black for the skirting. Just about done the walls, beams and skirting next.
Chilling with s6 is probably the most awesomest part. The boy is so happy-go-lucky through it all. I feel blessed in that area. We just try to have lotsa fun and im indoctrinating him in Metal/Rock, lots and lots of air guitar. :>
When it spin it spins. After 2 months of barely any contact (I dont have to be around for handovers as she picks him up directly from school) I get 5 miscalls through out the night from OM's wife.
Woke up at around 6am saw the miscalls and stupidly called back. Turns out she had followed her husband and caught him and xw together. I get sucked right back into the drama.
Shes still wayward, places blame on me saying i molded her into this person. Im like wow. We didnt even have that bad a marriage. I wasnt an alcoholic, or woman beater or whatever. I tried my best to surprise her on her birthdays and anniversary and did that ever year. We travelled the world together. I wanted the best for her.
It kinda stung when after a year plus she is still trying to validate her actions by blaming me.
Just ranting.
Natus,
Shame on you for making your ex-wife do bad things!
I understand the feeling Natus, even though my experience wasn't quite as profound, I recently had someone from my sitch (my W's only friend who supported the A) suddenly reappear in my "New Life" and it brought a whirlwind of emotions with it.
It's nice that the affects are not quite as strong anymore, kinda like a kiddie rollercoaster as opposed to extreme adult coaster, but it [censored] that we are still affected at all.
I can't blame you for calling OM's W back, my curiosity would have gotten the best of me as well. Heck, I may have even asked her if she wanted to go out for dinner for a night of wayward bashing, haha.
Natus,
Shame on you for making your ex-wife do bad things!
Doodler, wish i had your wit during the moment. I should have had fun with it.
Coconut, yea now im just annoyed at myself for being dragged in. As tempting as that would be(to go out w OM's W) im not really into soap dramas.
It was a joke, there is no way I would put myself into that situation. Like I said, I would of returned the call out of pure curiosity (although I don't know what she could of said that would of been good), but I don't wish to bring any extra drama in my life, I'm much happier doing things that enhance my life.
Hey yea I got that it was is in jest. Not saying the thought never crossed my mind tho.
Phew its been awhile. I dunno what made me come back to this site today or maybe i do. Back when my sich first started i was on here almost everyday, this place was my life jacket that kept me afloat. I made so many mistakes, maybe the same mistakes everyone else was making too and everyone was so helpful. I didn't know it then but in the end those mistakes does not determine whether you get back together with your stbx or not. So if you are new here. Try not to stress to much over every little detail like i did or like everyone else on here did.
So about my sich, its been good in a weird and new way. Im still finding myself, i feel like a new person. The old me was content family man so sure of himself and his surroundings and was so happy to grow old. Now its like i dont know what the day brings, i can do anything i want and everyday i try to answer that question. I think my s6 finds it a little annoying cause sometimes he would rather watch tv or play on the ipad and im dragging him out the door on another adventure.
If anyone listens to Hinder's "without you". Theres a chorus.
"Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I'd say
I’m fine
Without you"
Phew its been awhile. I dunno what made me come back to this site today or maybe i do. Back when my sich first started i was on here almost everyday, this place was my life jacket that kept me afloat. I made so many mistakes, maybe the same mistakes everyone else was making too and everyone was so helpful. I didn't know it then but in the end those mistakes does not determine whether you get back together with your stbx or not. So if you are new here. Try not to stress to much over every little detail like i did or like everyone else on here did.
So about my sich, its been good in a weird and new way. Im still finding myself, i feel like a new person. The old me was content family man so sure of himself and his surroundings and was so happy to grow old. Now its like i dont know what the day brings, i can do anything i want and everyday i try to answer that question. I think my s6 finds it a little annoying cause sometimes he would rather watch tv or play on the ipad and im dragging him out the door on another adventure.
If anyone listens to Hinder's "without you". Theres a chorus.
"Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought I'd say
I’m fine
Without you"
Hey Natus, weird, but for whatever reason I came by this site and I saw your post. As you may or may not know, I've followed your stitch almost from the beginning. It's good to see you're moving on with life.
So am I. I haven't been this happy in many years.
hey RDS. Yea i followed yours too along with the others during that time period.
We do what we need to do. Glad to hear you are doing well.