MLC or WAH? - 12/04/16 10:14 PM
Hi all,
I've been lurking on the community boards for months but this is my first post.
It all started last December, about a year ago when I found my husband texting another girl while away on vacation. When I questioned him about it, he said she was just a friend but a couple days later started talking about wanting more freedom and potentially exploring other relationships. I broke down and asked him more about these doubts and to stop contact with this OW. He first said he will "dial it back" but that she is an important part of his life and he doesn't want to stop communication. I said if he's able to do that, that's fine and that there's nothing wrong with having female friends but we need to be cognisant of how much a part of our lives they become.
Over the next few months, I saw a lot of passive aggressive behavior out of him (coming home late after having too many drinks, not answering phone calls when he was out with friends, hanging out with the OW and other friends till 6am etc.) I got increasingly worried and asked him to see a counselor and also asked that we start marriage counselling. He started IC in April and continued wanting space, alone time and distancing himself from me. He was communicative but distant at that point when I asked him about the counseling and how it was going. I'm sorry to say this but this was before I knew about DB and I remember asking for reassurances, begging, pleading for him to get over these doubts and reengage in the relationship.
July came along and he was done with his IC but at that point announced that he had realised through counseling that he was living a life on auto pilot and that he was a people pleaser all his life. He'd therefore not stood up for himself and his needs and put my needs ahead of his and now he doesn't feel it anymore. He didn't want to go through marriage counselling and he was done. At this point, I was an emotional wreck and so told him I need to spend some time with family and went home for a few weeks. I hardly heard from him during this time..
When I got back in early September, he was ready with a speech about how we'd been growing apart for years and that we got married way too young. And then it was about how we're just friends and nothing else. I have to admit the sexual relationship had faded significantly over the last year and a half.
He also talked about how he was witness to emotional abuse from between his grandmother and mother and didn't stand up for her at that point. He said he's moving out. I'd talk to a DB coach thankfully by this time and so said I'd really like it if you stayed and worked on this relationship but I'll let you go if that is what you think you need.
He's been gone now for ten weeks and we have seen each other three times in that time. Each time, he's "wanted to talk" and come over and by now I'd also gotten a relationship counsellor so understood that I needed to let go of expectations and validate his emotions. So I did that...but each time as he was leaving, he'd say but we're done. Last time he was here he mentioned having spoken to a lawyer.
He messaged me two days ago and said he wants to talk about the splitting of assets and so we're meeting this weekend to do that. I'm scared and lonely but trying to focus on self love and unconditional love towards him without expectations.
Please send me your thoughts on whether I'm dealing with an MLCer or WAH and whether the way to get him recommitted to the relationship is the same either way?
M34 H35
M12 T14
No kids yet
I've been lurking on the community boards for months but this is my first post.
It all started last December, about a year ago when I found my husband texting another girl while away on vacation. When I questioned him about it, he said she was just a friend but a couple days later started talking about wanting more freedom and potentially exploring other relationships. I broke down and asked him more about these doubts and to stop contact with this OW. He first said he will "dial it back" but that she is an important part of his life and he doesn't want to stop communication. I said if he's able to do that, that's fine and that there's nothing wrong with having female friends but we need to be cognisant of how much a part of our lives they become.
Over the next few months, I saw a lot of passive aggressive behavior out of him (coming home late after having too many drinks, not answering phone calls when he was out with friends, hanging out with the OW and other friends till 6am etc.) I got increasingly worried and asked him to see a counselor and also asked that we start marriage counselling. He started IC in April and continued wanting space, alone time and distancing himself from me. He was communicative but distant at that point when I asked him about the counseling and how it was going. I'm sorry to say this but this was before I knew about DB and I remember asking for reassurances, begging, pleading for him to get over these doubts and reengage in the relationship.
July came along and he was done with his IC but at that point announced that he had realised through counseling that he was living a life on auto pilot and that he was a people pleaser all his life. He'd therefore not stood up for himself and his needs and put my needs ahead of his and now he doesn't feel it anymore. He didn't want to go through marriage counselling and he was done. At this point, I was an emotional wreck and so told him I need to spend some time with family and went home for a few weeks. I hardly heard from him during this time..
When I got back in early September, he was ready with a speech about how we'd been growing apart for years and that we got married way too young. And then it was about how we're just friends and nothing else. I have to admit the sexual relationship had faded significantly over the last year and a half.
He also talked about how he was witness to emotional abuse from between his grandmother and mother and didn't stand up for her at that point. He said he's moving out. I'd talk to a DB coach thankfully by this time and so said I'd really like it if you stayed and worked on this relationship but I'll let you go if that is what you think you need.
He's been gone now for ten weeks and we have seen each other three times in that time. Each time, he's "wanted to talk" and come over and by now I'd also gotten a relationship counsellor so understood that I needed to let go of expectations and validate his emotions. So I did that...but each time as he was leaving, he'd say but we're done. Last time he was here he mentioned having spoken to a lawyer.
He messaged me two days ago and said he wants to talk about the splitting of assets and so we're meeting this weekend to do that. I'm scared and lonely but trying to focus on self love and unconditional love towards him without expectations.
Please send me your thoughts on whether I'm dealing with an MLCer or WAH and whether the way to get him recommitted to the relationship is the same either way?
M34 H35
M12 T14
No kids yet