I’ve been married for 22 years and we have three wonderful kids. My husband was always a perfect father and husband. Last April he told me he wasn’t sure he wanted to keep being married or plan a future with me. It really devastated me because I always felt we had a very good marriage. Among the reasons he gave me, he said I am a wonderful mother but that I have not been loving enough with him. (When his parents divorced the one who left was his mom, which he took as being abandoned by her; he has never felt loved by her and thinks she chose her job over her kids). I’ve always been busy with kids and work and housework but I never felt all this could be a deal breaker. We’ve always had something to talk about and we are not used to fighting or quarrelling.
I’m quite sure he is going through MLC since he’s worried about his hair, he’s changed wardrobe, he’s bought expensive items and he’s planning on going fishing to another country. (It kill me he’s not including all of us when we’ve done everything together as a family). I feel he’s done everything on the list: he listens to romantic songs, he listens to songs louder than usual, he keeps checking FBK all the time, he sleeps on the edge of the bed, he barely looks at me, when he bumps into me around the house, he tries to avoid any contact, he’s absent-minded, he’s changed the way he addresses me, he seems detached from the house.
I’ve tried to be loving, gentle and understanding since I see he’s in pain. I’ve tried to follow all the advice I read on line: staying calm, not letting him see me cry, not arguing, etc. We have kept having sex but he’s been very passive and we do it when I approach him and he allows me to do so. I feel I’m losing some dignity but I’ terrified he could easily fall for someone else, which would make things worse.
Yesterday I tried to tell him that although he may not feel like loving me, he could try/choose not to drift away. He didn’t like the talk because he says he’s said everything he has to tell me. I know having the relationship talks does not help but I feel overwhelmed at times.
I’m being counseled but I feel the therapist does not quite get what he’s going through since she tells me I should tell him how I feel, which I’m sure it’s not such a great idea right now. I’ve lost weight. I can’t sleep well and I’m obsessed with this whole situation.
I need some practical advice as to how to treat him on a daily basis, should I keep approaching him for physical contact, should I keep being gentle? I know I should concentrate on me and my kids but right now It’s just impossible for me to do. Will he leave after 8 months of keeping this relationship? I believe he’s staying for the kids and the comfort of the well- organized life we’ve built, Should I accept this? He’s not being aggressive or mean but the detachment, selfishness and self-centeredness is killing me.
I would try to weather this crisis despite how long it takes if I knew he’ll stay in the end.
Thanks for reading about this terrible situation I’m in and I’m open to any piece of advice you could give me.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I’m quite sure he is going through MLC since he’s worried about his hair, he’s changed wardrobe, he’s bought expensive items and he’s planning on going fishing to another country. (It kill me he’s not including all of us when we’ve done everything together as a family). I feel he’s done everything on the list: he listens to romantic songs, he listens to songs louder than usual, he keeps checking FBK all the time, he sleeps on the edge of the bed, he barely looks at me, when he bumps into me around the house, he tries to avoid any contact, he’s absent-minded, he’s changed the way he addresses me, he seems detached from the house.
marye,
I don't know anything about MLC, but his behavior is also indicative of an affair. It's probably best if you stop pursuing and start working on yourself. Get a life (GAL) and remain happy and confident.
I agree with Doodler - the songs and checking FB that often is a tell-tale sign. As is the fact that he keeps to the edge of the bed and barely looks at you. Classic guilt signs.
As Doodler said, the only thing you can do is shift gears and take care of yourself.
my wife stays polite but distant for 8 months now. I've been taking it one day at a time. When I feel to sad for myself I try to be mindful of my kids and the rest of my life which is still very good.
my wife stays polite but distant for 8 months now. I've been taking it one day at a time. When I feel to sad for myself I try to be mindful of my kids and the rest of my life which is still very good.
That's the only thing you can do, my brother. Sometimes it works, and sometimes no matter what you do or don't do, it doesn't. It's like a child discovering their way - we can try to steer but often times that backfires. So, the best thing we can do is just let it be. And that's one of the hardest things in the world to do. It took me forever to figure that out. Sure, I made all the mistakes - but in my case, it wouldn't have mattered if I had done everything just right.
How old are the kids?
He said that you "have not been loving enough with him." You have your side of the story, but for now, pretend you are him and explain FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE how you were not loving enough with him. What does he think he's missing from you?
So much of this sounds familiar--including the bad news coming in April.
There are some differences, like sleeping on the edge of the bed, the romantic songs, and his change in FB activity. My H avoided physical contact during the day, but continued to sleep with his arm around me.
So, I'm not saying that our situations are the same. I feel for you and your suffering.
You might want to change therapists. I told mine that I thought my husband was leaving me and I wanted to get through it without hating myself. She was immensely helpful.
I also can't recommend GAL and doing 180s strongly enough.
My H's main complaint was about our sex life, so I 180'd that, but I also 180'd lots of little things that he didn't mention but that I felt could be better.
And I emphasized trying new things in my GAL. Trying new things stretches you as a person and adds an extra buzz of energy.
No R talks. At all.
We started watching a TV show together so we'd have a low-stress way to spend time together and something to talk about that was impersonal.
I also recommend reading up on emotional fusion and self-validation. Don't look to him for emotional validation. Learn to validate yourself.
I would rethink the idea that you have to do everything as a family. Family trips are great, but so are solo trips. It's healthy to want each at different times.
Mine was receptive to sex at night, and our sex life was a source of tension before, so I personally kept having sex and initiated a lot. Your mileage might differ. I did avoid physical touch during the day, because I noticed he seemed to pull away.
Good luck!
Marye has a thread over in the MLC Forum. Here's the link to her thread:
Help!
I would try to weather this crisis despite how long it takes if I knew he’ll stay in the end.
Does that include infidelity, as well? I don't mean the type of scenario where he ends his affair and begs for your forgiveness. I mean if he doesn't. If he continued for a very long time to have another woman in the picture and if he continued doing the activities he is doing now........and did nothing to protect your feelings, would you try to "weather this crisis"?
Hi everybody ! Thanks a lot for your replies!
Rose, your words are really helpful for me! I also see some coincidences !
In my case he also pointed out about our sex life so I've tried to improve that.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hi ! I have read the books already!
As to the computer history...I have my laptop with a password nobody knows.
Thanks for the tips!