We get it, you are not doing the work for her. So why do you continue harping on not being the one to file? If you don't want to, then don't be pressured into doing it.
Really good job about presenting yourself looking much better, and the other things you've done. Hope you will continue to build GAL.
I am so sorry about the situation with your kids and OM. I hate it and what it does to families. My GC went through the very same thing.
((hugs))
I dont want to file, just sometimes i feel like it may be my only option to protect myself and kids from her childish actions. Or that if i dont file, id continue to appear as plan B. So would me filing be the 2x4 she needs? Or Does GALing even without filing have the same 2x4 effect?
Do you really want me to tell you what she wants? Okay, I will. She wants what benefits her the best. Not you, not her kids, .........just HER! That is her foremost intentions in everything, no matter how big or small.
The fact that a WW may not run out and file first is simple. She is looking, listening, and watching to see which direction benefits her the best. New friends and other WW's may be giving her legal tips, or telling her shanigans to take the kids from her H, or get his retirement, or the house, or whatever scheme she can pull to come out looking justified and gain the most benefits.
If the WW is still living in the marital home, it is b/c it benefits her more, in spite of the tension with her H. She may be waiting him out so she can have the house, or planning how she will get an upscale apartment, or waiting for her OM to leave his W, ...........or see if OM comes through and proposes M. If the OM doesn't work out and the H won't financially support her single lifestyle, then she can always refuse to leave home. She knows her H doesn't want a divorce.
So just b/c she has not filed does not mean she is having second thoughts and want to work on the MR. She may apply pressure on him to file so he has to pay for it, or however the system works best for her. Again, she looks at it from one viewpoint............what is best for her.
The WW wants to be free of responsibilities, live the lifestyle of a single woman, have the very best that money can buy........ and have someone else pick up the tab. She doesn't want her H, but she wants the benefits the M has provided her. In other words, she wants the best of both worlds.
Before you file just to show you aren't going to be Plan B, or to give a 2x4..........you must seek legal advice. If you really want to protect yourself, get a lawyer......whether you file first, or not. Find a lawyer who will fight for father's rights. See if you can get your name off her CC's and vise versa. Protect your retirement and savings account and separate checking accounts. Again, you need lawyer's advice on any of those actions.
Wife does not stay in the home, on my mornings she comes to get daughter off to school as i work early. Home has no real equity and is solely in my name, 401k is untouchable at the moment. insurance and cell phones are the only things with both our names, and i chose not to be jerk and boot her of my health plan. In my state filing is only $200, my lawyers retainer is $1500. Financially i "think" im safe but who knows, regarding kids im told their isnt alot i can do unless i prove her unfit in court. Just clarifying things regarding sitch.
I do have some questions regarding GALing.
1- With regards to going out and hanging out with not so close friends, how do i handle the "why isnt W here?"? Because we rarely socialized seperatly.
2- usually if i were to search out an activity with friends, id post to facebook "whos up for a movie? Etc.. But my wifes leaving and affair has not gone facebook public. So i feel id be inviting questions, to which answering is staying in the rut of the sitch. So how does one build new lives and friendships while still in a "semi-single" state?
I use semi-single to define my current condition as im essentially single, but do to my personal values regarding marriage and love, i wont allow myself to act like a single man
Wife does not stay in the home, on my mornings she comes to get daughter off to school as i work early. Home has no real equity and is solely in my name, 401k is untouchable at the moment. insurance and cell phones are the only things with both our names, and i chose not to be jerk and boot her of my health plan. In my state filing is only $200, my lawyers retainer is $1500. Financially i "think" im safe but who knows, regarding kids im told their isnt alot i can do unless i prove her unfit in court. Just clarifying things regarding sitch.
I do have some questions regarding GALing.
1- With regards to going out and hanging out with not so close friends, how do i handle the "why isnt W here?"? Because we rarely socialized seperatly.
2- usually if i were to search out an activity with friends, id post to facebook "whos up for a movie? Etc.. But my wifes leaving and affair has not gone facebook public. So i feel id be inviting questions, to which answering is staying in the rut of the sitch. So how does one build new lives and friendships while still in a "semi-single" state?
I use semi-single to define my current condition as im essentially single, but do to my personal values regarding marriage and love, i wont allow myself to act like a single man
Couple things....
What do you mean your 401k is untouchable at the moment?
You may want to look at checking your pride at the door. Your questions all directly point to you worrying most about what other people will think or say. Really? That's your concern? Dude, if someone asks be a man and either tell them the truth or tell them it's none of their effin business. Simple. If you do want to be more cordial: "w and I are going through a personal matter right now and I don't know how it's going to end. I appreciate your concern but, I would even appreciate more if we don't discuss it at this time."
401k has a loan against it for several more years. But honestly nobody can predict how the legal stuff will play out, so for the most part im not fretting over longterm "divorce" issues, thats what the lawyers are for in my eyes.
I fret more about my current dilemmas, her taking stuff, kids being with om, etc. Which im stuck because i have no way to enforce anything without me taking legal action, and that may even be futile. On that note, i have not really done anything with the bulk of our possessions because i figure thats a legal matter, so everything within my house sits in limbo, unless she decides to relieve me of whatever item of the day may be.
So what are your next steps?
Im not sure what ur asking bippy78. Right now i just try to find opportunities to be with friends, make new friends. Making new friends is harder than it used to be. Idk, kinda reflecting right now, my wife is doing her thing, im trying to do mine, while the marriage sits in limbo??? Feels like an accurate description... I do wish my wife would quit taking pieces of "our life" to build her new life.
I guess that's just it - how long are you going to sit in limbo while she slowly sneaks out pieces of your house? Are you just trying to wait out the fog?
I was the same way for a month. Every week more of her things were gone. She didn't take any of our stuff but talked about it. Finally, when she got all her personal items out I got the keys back. It hurt, but I feel a lot better knowing she can't come and go as she pleases.
Something to think about for your situation?
Id hope the taking would end at some point. Not sure why she even wants peices of our life if it wasnt worth saving..
Kinda feels like im waiting out the fog as far as making any "marital" decisions...
Time is my friend, right?
Time CAN be your friend. Or your worst enemy. Depends on how you use it.
You said you are "reflecting" right now. No point really at this point. The last is the past. Can't change it. I guess I'm a bit different when it comes to "stuff". I basically let her take whatever she wanted. Let her look at it and think of the memories linked to the item. Better her than me. Intact, I have all the Christmas stuff from the last 18 years in tubs. Only stuff I'm keeping is the stuff my mom gave me that I made as a kid and a few of the things the girls made us over the years. Everything else is going to her, first house, engagement, first Christmas ornaments, etc....everything! She wants to throw it, oh well. That part of my life is over. No need for me to sit there with a bottle of whiskey and stare at the tree of memories of a life that once was.
Point is, do you REALLY care if she takes a couch or a lamp? Let go and let live!
Id hope the taking would end at some point. Not sure why she even wants peices of our life if it wasnt worth saving..
Kinda feels like im waiting out the fog as far as making any "marital" decisions...
Time is my friend, right?
Why would she want it? It's free and works! Why go buy another lamp that is used to light a room when one is sitting there that she's "entitled" to? You tie it to a memory, she doesn't necessarily. Oh, that picture of the 2 of you that she has to have? It's a nice frame, the pic can be swapped out.
You will never be able to understand her mind. You will lose yours trying to. Thousands of $$ in IC/MC taught me that lol
By reflection i meant im always in my head trying to decide/feel, what do i really want? As we can fool ourselves. But most days i feel like im in nuetral holding down the fort.
In the grand scheme nothing she takes will really matter. I wish their was at least some discussion as to what leaves, nope, as the kids get ready for school at my house, she wanders through the house, deciding whats next... She always checks the bedroom too, probably looking for signs of me having a girlfriend, i know she was checking my phone records, and opening my mail for awhile after she left.
Everyday i ask myself if im doing the right thing fighting for my marriage. Or is today gonna be the day i give up. It sure would be nice for this nightmare to end, either her gone forever, for sure, or us back working together on our relationship. LIMBO [censored].
Today i feel hollow and lost. I feel like ive got so much "upkeep" to do, so that th next time the wife is around she sees, wow he hasnt been mopeing around the house.. hes been busy... But most days i really have no drive for the home. Id rather leave n go somewheres else, hide from the situation. But then i feel like if my marriage is to have a chance, that i need to DB hard and now, but usually have no clue what to do.. can you see the fixer in me??
Try to keep positive! I know it's really hard somedays and I agree that the limbo kills us. I think we have to try to think this will be all over at some point and either way we will be a better person. I know easier said than done and I struggle with it myself!! I'm pulling for you.
Tonite is gonna be rough, kids come back, and im gonna hear about all the fun they had with wife and OM. Then theirs a chance she will bring him to daughters christmas concert tonite. I was having a good day being distracted and even hyper at work, but now i have to come back to reality! And that sunk my mood as work ended
Focus on the kids. Don't question/interrogate them when they come home. Just focus on appreciating and enjoying the time with them. At the concert, same thing. If she brings om, so be it. Another person cheering for your D. I know it's rough. Unfortunately I know first hand.
Well i hope i gave the right impressions tonite. I told MIL where i was sitting with son, she arrived with Wife, no OM thank god, MIL came to sit with me and was suprised W followed. I focused on the concert, did my best to pretend my W wasnt there. I was dressed up, took lots of pics of daughter, tapped along with the songs...
Lemme tell you, i wasnt happy she was there, or that she seemed smug, probably following detaching methods too... Idk i feel my love for her turning into something ugly and i dont like it
So after a month, my wife finally brought back a laptop, lol! But she basically locked me out of it. More childish games, now my choice is to ask/beg her for passwords or Ignore it and make it disappear since now its a paperweight. Any thoughts/advice?
She probably felt as uncomfortable as you at the concert - I wouldn't sweat it.
There are lots of utilities available to reset a password - I'm not sure if I can link from here, but could give you some direction.
This morning did not go well. I told my wife when she arrived, that i thought it was childish to return the laptop but lock me out of it "well if u woulda asked, i could tell you the password" was her response, she claims it was one of mine but i thought i tried and it didnt work. I failed today and engaged in a cheeseless tunnel. Idk, her continued presence keeps affecting my state of mind. And even in divorce, i currently see no alternatives to keeping her away from the house besides moving to a "safe house" like my moms, or any alternative to her getting the bulk of my sons bonding time.. it seems my son prefers OM place, OM, and wife
So my wife and OM now have two kittens! Yep selling his house while she lives their and my kids, now cats. But yesterday he had a showing, so wife brought the kittens to my house when she got kids ready for school!!! Pets are a committment, we(I) still have the cat that we got 9months into our dating. I know i shouldnt try to figure her out but WOW! I kinda am beside myself!
So apparently my wife never turned in paperwork to the bank taking her off the joint acct. And she started purchasing gas, perscriptions, and culvers with it!!!
and even in divorce, i currently see no alternatives to keeping her away from the house besides moving to a "safe house" like my moms, or any alternative to her getting the bulk of my sons bonding time.. it seems my son prefers OM place, OM, and wife
My son went through the things you are experiencing, and all his youngest child could talk about was what they did with the OM, and OM this & OM that. I will share with you what I told him, and it doesn't mean it will necessarily help.....I'm just trying to give you
something. The OM has to
win your children, b/c of their mother. You don't. OM has to Mr. Personality, has to show them a good time, buy things for them and play with them......even if it's just to get on the good side of your W. You don't have to, b/c you already do those things out of true love for your kids. Daddy doesn't have to "win" them b/c he already has their hearts. Nobody can possibly replace you, or your love. OM is new! That's all. S3 would probably be excited about any new person who is knocking themselves out to make S3
like him. It eventually fades out. But something that will NEVER go away is the love between you and your children, and no other man can ever be their daddy. That is a birthright that came when those babies were born.
No matter how many people your children will love in their lifetime, there will never be anyone they love in the same way they love you.
(((Jade))) I am so sorry for your pain. I have not told you one thing you didn't already know, but sometimes, it helps a little to just hear someone else say it.
It does help, thank you! just stinks.
Asked wife to "drop off the joint debit card before she spent anymore" she comes back with, those charges were an accident and that im being an A$$"
Response suggestions?
Suggestions on tackling christmas. Do i invite MIL and FIL and wife to my house for christmas? Ive remained pretty close with Wifes parents.
As far as OM - same with my kids. He was the "fun guy" while XW let them do what they wanted - while I continued parenting. He bought them toys, and let them eat donuts for dinner, all that stuff. Don't sweat it. Kids don't know what's going on except they get cool fun stuff.
Secondly, you were fine to ask for the debit card. Don't respond. Remember the goal is to make you look bad in any possible way for anything you do. Maybe next time leave off the "before you spend anymore" comment.
Finally, your W is almost completely in a relationship with another man. She is consistently using you; the debit card being the latest example. That was "not an accident". Why would you invite someone like that to your house for Christmas?
I didnt respond, i had lots of jabs i wanted to throw but didnt. Almost sent "why are you getting defensive" etc.
I highly doubt my wife would join for christmas but am fairly confident her parents would.
Meanwhile ive been contemplating filing of somesort. Struggling with alot of unknowns, pertaining to M, kids, and even GALing. How does one truly detach without at least giving filing consideration?
Id like sandis take(WW perception) on my choice to not file. Am i being strong in my committment to that choice? Or appearing weak and hanging on? I struggle alot in the control vs boundry department. Especially when it relates to kids.
Ok, now my wife just texted me about christmas. Now based on our general schedule, i will have kids all of christmas weekend. But now my wife would like to have them christmas day after 9am. An option she shot down in late october, along with splitting thanksgiving day in half. But since she got all of turkey day and ignored my daughters request to visit me on thanksgiving, choosing to take kids to OM grandmas thanksgiving. She got "her" thanksgiving, now wants "her" christmas. I want to text back that "that option is no longer on the table." Please advise quickly...
I want to text back that "that option is no longer on the table."
jade,
I like it.
I sent. No thanks
She immediatly responded, asking my suggestion. So now, i want to say, kids will remain with me all weekend, but that MIL, FIL, FIL, SIL, GIL, are all welcome to join. Do i extend that to wife? If W wants to see them for christmas, she can arrange a time to come over without OM...?
jade,
From a DB perspective, I don't know what's best. I think I'd tend to extend an invitation if I thought the children would appreciate her presence. Definitely no OM. And, in my particular case, I 'd have to remind the WW that if she didn't remain exceptionally cordial, she'd be ushered out of the house pronto (no warnings, just a boot to the @ss).
Will your children be crushed not to see their mom on Xmas?
If so, I might offer to have wife and her family (but not OM) over for dessert on Xmas later in the day, like 4:00 or 6:00.
I would not include them earlier in the day.
I feel like saying, "i have no suggestions for you, the kids will be with me for christmas weekend."
I hate the lag time between posting and getting some advice.. lol wish i had fellow DBrs in my circle to help make non emotional decisions.
What about next year? Will you swap holidays? If she doesn't get to see the kids this year, she'll probably pay you back next year....if she waits that long.
Sidebar, Wifes suggestion of picking them up at 9am, tells me that OM christmas would be 10/11am ish. So id be inclined to only offering that window to her, make her choose kids or his family christmas..
If it goes as far as next year im sure one of us will have filed by then, then its up to lawyers n judges. Kinda why im leaning toward filing myself, so these issues get handled by the court, instead of me being constantly baited, or me being unfair..
Id be more open to splitting christmas day as it was my idea but i wanted thanksgiving split too, she specifically stated she wasnt interested in splitting days in half. Now that she realizes ive got all of christmas, but lost thanksgiving now she wants to deal. I have no problem modifying the arrangement next year, or giving her access this year. But im not letting her parade my kids around OM family if i can help it. She may have to explain where her kids are, maybe they are clueless to her still being married.. idk
I don't split our holidays, and never have. This year, XW had the kids for Thanksgiving, and my family celebrated it without them, but we are going up for several days around Christmas. It's what divorce and affairs create.
Your WAW will just have to understand it's the way it is. Look, I walked around in fear that if I said or did anything, she would "leave me" - but she was having an affair! All it did was make her lose respect for me, and use that leverage to treat me horribly. When I finally did stand up and say "no", she ranted and raved for a few days, but her demeanor began to change each time I stood up for myself in a firm but fair manner.
So, she had Thanksgiving, you get Christmas. You can offer to drop them off first thing day after Christmas if she'd like?
Last nights texts about christmas and debit card went nowhere and got out of hand. I feel like ive lost even more. And im now questioning if anything i do is for right reasons. Of course anyone in her camp feels im being unreasonable and using the kids to hurt her. Anyone in my camp thinks ive been way to nice for too long...
jade,
I know what you mean. I eventually learned to embrace my inner Dr. Evil (as perceived by my WW) and had fun with it. Just ignore the bullsh*t and get out and do something fun.
Asking her to drop herself from credit cards, banking accounts, or whatever, is going to cause contention, b/c those sources serve her cake. Anything you can take charge and have done without her permission, then IMHO, you should just do it and then tell her. Not to be underhanded, but just taking care of business.
Almost sent "why are you getting defensive" etc.
You know why she's getting so defensive! I'm glad you didn't send that message, b/c it is an invitation for a spew session. Don't open doors by throwing out questions like that quote. You will not like what comes through it.
I think either im having an epiphony or just desperate to change my approach. I think i have been a little too focused on being stubborn about my wife not getting her fantasyland. Trying to "force" consequences on her.
I can imagine OM is totally agreeable to anything my wife says or requests of him, so she chooses him. So i think maybe if i switch to this approach, one to stop these pointless bickering matches and two maybe my stubborness is one of the things that pushed her away from the marriage. So next time she takes or asks, state my point of veiw but then let her call the shots. Seems counter intuitive. So im gonna pull her diy divorce draft out, take to my lawyers, have him set things up as the most fair draft he can, then leave them for her to decide to file on... Cooperate, without actually filing myself..
As far as kids and OM, Up to this point ive stepped up my dad/husband skills at home, all its done is taken the parenting pressure off them. Maybe its time to relax, play single dad a little, less responsible more fun..
I still will be cutting off the joint checking access and enforcing any property/financial boundries i can.
jade,
It sounds like you're getting things figured-out. Good for you!
Saying and doing are two very different things. Im just maybe realizing ive been a little antagonistic...? Maybe even the last few years of our marriage. So now im gonna try hard not to provoke her, or point out the consquences. Let her sink the ship, im not the one hurting the kids, it was her choice. I cant protect them from her choice either
Wife just left joint file diy papers again on my counter. With a note, telling me here are the joint file papers. If i am interested in joint please look, if not she will file them for us. Now once again im feeling backed into a corner. Im dont want divorce, but i dont want case more resentment towards me by being stubborn and uncooperative. So help me break this down please.. as my emotions are in control
jade,
If they're joint papers, then you should use them to roll some smokes.
If i am interested in joint please look, if not she will file them for us.
Looks like she is trying to control the situation.
Previous set she left i made disappear because she didnt talk about, leave a note or mention, just kept leaving lay around. This time she left a note on them... I am annoyed that she used my printer while i wasnt home to print them off. So in the spirit of taking the higher road and not being antagonistic, what are some ways to deal with them. My wife will be here again, 5am tomorow morning
So im not sure how well i DBd this morning with wife regarding her papers. I didnt get emotional, maybe a little accusatory. Some things about past few months were brought up by both parties. But i maintained my position that im not joint filing. I ended the conversation with, I dont have the answers for you, and left.
Went out friday GAL, with some work friends for holiday drinks. Upside, i had fun, downside my presence without wife and having a few work flirts only fueled the rumors of my divorce. As very few know the actual story. But my therapist suggested have fun with the work flirts, and i did, i dont think a single word about my situation came out, or popped in my head even.
Side note, when i returned home friday, i noticed the joint file papers were still laying on the counter. I would think that once i told her i wasnt interested in ending our marriage, she would want to take the papers for her to fill out herself as her note said.. so she leaves them, knowing she wont be back until tuesday morning. And for first time in weeks, fixed herself a cup of coffee.. something she stopped out of spite.
I don't get the coffee reference. Who doesn't have coffee out of spite?
Nice job on the GAL; harmless flirting is fun!
However, you still seem a little caught up in things she says or does - and I can guarantee you 99.9% of it is completely meaningless.
I think sometimes a WAS does have a SHRED of good in them, so they go through a few motions to try to look decent; and it gives the LBS false hope.
I think sometimes a WAS does have a SHRED of good in them, so they go through a few motions to try to look decent; and it gives the LBS false hope.
This is correct. Although sometimes, they do things to try to make it easier on us which also gives us false hope.
The reference about coffee. Once she left, i tried treating her more like a guest in my home so id have a pot of coffee on, and once a week make cinnamon rolls etc. And say thanks for coming to watch kids. At some point she stopped saying thank yous. And then to drive it home wouldnt eat the cinnarolls or drink any of the coffee. But would make comments "the kids enjoyed them" at me. So i felt she was spitefully denying herself that stuff.
Yes im still not fully detached. I was kinda hoping that if shes serious about the divorce papers she woulda followed through with her threat. Being in limbo stinks.
I describe my situation like being in an innertube in the middle of a lake, no clue which beach i will eventually drift on to.
As i DB, a question pops in my head, if i DB well theirs a good chance that i myself could become wayward! That doesnt feel right! Does that make sense?
As i DB, a question pops in my head, if i DB well theirs a good chance that i myself could become wayward! That doesnt feel right! Does that make sense?
According to Cadet, it's a common script for the LBS to become the WAS.
Speaking of becoming wayward: why not?
Obviously, a failure in a marriage is what brings people here, so both of you made mistakes. The WAS seeks to rectify those mistakes by leaving, having affairs, being generally crappy, and so on. The good DBer attempts to rectify those mistakes by becoming a better person in every way.
When you have spent some time DBing, I think you begin to see the betterment of yourself, realize the efforts you put into becoming the best you can be - and as your own "save-the-marriage" fog begins to lift, then the WAS starts revealing themselves as someone less than you deserve. And not just in words only but you start to FEEL that.
Alls been quiet lately. Except wife keeps leaving her D papers and note on the counter. Not sure what she expects me to do with them. I do speak to lawyer, but she doesnt know that. Not sure what im gonna do, maybe just see what ill have to start prepping?? Idk
Feeling a little hopeless after this christmas. Kids tell me wife and OM are moving to a new place on thursday,, not that i should care. But here i am wondering why after what my wife has done, she gets her wish of happiness... Gets what she wants. While im trying to do what i can and being alone in the process..
Feeling a little hopeless after this christmas. Kids tell me wife and OM are moving to a new place on thursday,, not that i should care. But here i am wondering why after what my wife has done, she gets her wish of happiness... Gets what she wants. While im trying to do what i can and being alone in the process..
It is hard. My STBXW is not revealing her OM or has stopped seeing him that way, not really sure. I absolutely dread the day that I see them together, or see her with another man period. When I see her she is happy and bubbly and it tears me up, especially when it is a down day for me. It just goes to show you that happiness is the best revenge, so make it your goal to be happy, or just act happy when you see or hear from her.
Yeah. Today marks 5months since i was last intimate. Quite an acheivement for me, since i have a high sex drive. The loneliness seems unbearable at times. I feel like nothing will ever improve. Its been about two months of DBing and being mostly dark, while trying to be superdad. Not sure if i need to rattle the cage or try something different.
I thank you all for your input, i wish i felt like i had wisdom to contribute to your stitches, i just feel so lost, how can i help you all if i cant help myself..
So new years! This weekend right?! Perfect opportunity to GAL, expand friend circle, and let it be known! Except none of my friends are available and skiing plans with new friend fell through. So now im staring down the barrel of a lonely new years as my kids are with wife next 3 days. Certainly feels like the powers at be, want to eliminate my GAL options. I break, a win, i need something to go my way!
So i reread through sandis LBH thread. And i wonder what else my wife could possibly lose or give up to help her see through the fog. She lost her job, ruined her options in her career feild, wont be keeping the home, even though we have a 50/50 custody, she barely gets anytime with our daughter but sees son most every morning, i only discuss kids schedule with her via text. So, she got a menards job, moved out, eventually with him, now his marital home has sold, and she has been having him stay with her at her parents house with kids, until his apartment is ready.. her family wont enforce any boundries with her and basically enable the affair. All the while she keeps saying shes gonna file but hasnt yet! What good does creating a void do if him and her family are willing to accomodate her every whim.
Any suggestions on what else one could lose in life? I feel like shes more than fine with losing everything so long as she has him to cling to.
I feel like my only option left is to try and take kids from her and OM through divirce. But i know thatll alienate her whole family against me, and society is so sexist regarding men fighting for full custody and will try to say im using the kids to hurt her, when we know many women do just that.
It's hard to say what makes some people happy. Maybe she sees all this as a new beginning, a new start.
Divorce will just naturally change your relationship with your X inlaws, but I wouldn't recommend trying for full custody out of spite. I hear ya man, I have though of every vindictive thing i could do to her to get back at her or to get the fog to lift.
I finally let go and GAL, if she comes back she will if not who cares. My new life is being a good dad, working hard, making new friends and doing things that I have always wanted to do because of the nature of compromise in a marriage. I don't regret not doing those things (during the marriage) because I was being a good husband/mate, but now I have time to do those things. For instance we never traveled unless it was to see family. Well now I get to travel. I am planning on something big this year as well as just mini vacations close to home.
My thoughts on fighting for full custody stem from my kids not needing OM in their lives, and feeling what is best for them by removing them from my wifes adulterous behavior. Im sure some of it is amplified by spite. Idk. Im not sure how to word or enforce my desire for the kids to not be around OM and the affair until something is more legal.
GALing and making new friends is proving more difficult than one fantasizes. Very few peers are in a place to be available to going out, they all have their own busy lives and families.
My daughter commented that OM hopes to meet me one day... Im not sure how i intend to deal with that if the day comes. I hope it never does. If i unlock my anger, he may end up vegetative! If i avoid confrontation or walk away, that seems like rolling over on my back! Any successful DB'rs have wise thoughts?
My thoughts on fighting for full custody stem from my kids not needing OM in their lives, and feeling what is best for them by removing them from my wifes adulterous behavior. Im sure some of it is amplified by spite. Idk. Im not sure how to word or enforce my desire for the kids to not be around OM and the affair until something is more legal.
GALing and making new friends is proving more difficult than one fantasizes. Very few peers are in a place to be available to going out, they all have their own busy lives and families.
My daughter commented that OM hopes to meet me one day... Im not sure how i intend to deal with that if the day comes. I hope it never does. If i unlock my anger, he may end up vegetative! If i avoid confrontation or walk away, that seems like rolling over on my back! Any successful DB'rs have wise thoughts?
I struggle with this too. I really don't want to see her with the OM or any other man for that matter, it will hurt. I have been separated for 7 months and out of the house for 5 months and all I can say is that thought drifts further away from me. I too thing that at a minimum if I see one of the guys she had an A with I will punch them as hard as I can in the nose. I live in a relatively small town (25k people) so running into them is pretty likely. I have been kind of being a hermit these past 5 months, not going out unless I have to. However I have been traveling to another close by town and spending time with a girl that I have met. It has helped me. Divorce is messed up, a skewed reality, kids will meet new people from both sides eventually. Do you have any divorced friends that have remarried? I have spent time with my good friend and their blended family. They have gotten along nicely and are successful and happy. It is kind of good to see that it can be done. [censored] that your kids will be spending time with the OM but they do need their mother.
I also get that its hard to GAl with friends, they all have stuff going on especially with the holidays just getting over. I managed to scrape by but spent some time alone for sure. During my alone time I did things that I never had time to do when I was active in the MR. For instance I started sketching again. I have also looked into a local community wood shop where people gather and share ideas. I have lost that outlet since I left my marital home, no more shop. It is funky because when I was married I loved my alone time but now all I want to do is spend time with people. But as time goes on I remember that I need my alone time to make things, draw things or tinker in the shop on things. I think GAL doesn't have to involve other people, what are some things that you sacrificed doing while meeting your obligations as a Husband and father? You need to start doing those, it won't come natural but once your start you'll start to enjoy it I promise.
I have no divorced, even just single/kid free friends. Being 30 and semi single is weird. Nearly everyone has younger kids to keep them busy. It would be nice to have a companion at times, a positive distraction from this purgatory, just someone to share my new experiences with, or a simple neck rub when its kinked, oh the little things. Just making new friends seems difficult. Im not a very socially outgoing person.
I think maybe MIL is finally tired of my wifes actions, we had a long discussion about how im trying to do whats best for the kids and setting good examples, and MIL boundries with wife. If what she says is true, MIL put her foot down on my wife leaving kids alone with OM on the nights she has them and works. This may act as a 2x4 or just speed up my wife filing for D. I also finally closed the joint checking account, now have to decide how to inform wife and that she needs to change some of the last autopays or give me the logins to.
I have no divorced, even just single/kid free friends. Being 30 and semi single is weird. Nearly everyone has younger kids to keep them busy. It would be nice to have a companion at times, a positive distraction from this purgatory, just someone to share my new experiences with, or a simple neck rub when its kinked, oh the little things. Just making new friends seems difficult. Im not a very socially outgoing person.
I think maybe MIL is finally tired of my wifes actions, we had a long discussion about how im trying to do whats best for the kids and setting good examples, and MIL boundries with wife. If what she says is true, MIL put her foot down on my wife leaving kids alone with OM on the nights she has them and works. This may act as a 2x4 or just speed up my wife filing for D. I also finally closed the joint checking account, now have to decide how to inform wife and that she needs to change some of the last autopays or give me the logins to.
Send a text that says "I closed the joint account, please make sure the bills that use autopay are corrected accordingly"
Its all business now man. She will try to drag you in emotionally, there will likely be backlash. Just don't bite that hook. All I can say is take the high road but take no cr@p. The view is much nicer up there. If the bills that you are referencing are joint, then you don't need the logins you can just call them and arrange for another method of payment over the phone. It will take a bit more effort, but it can be done. If the bills are hers, then she will find out that they weren't autopaid and will have to deal with them as she sees fit.
GAL is a hard thing to do for sure. I get that you need a companion, we are human. It is a mindset thing too, make up your mind to meet new people and do new things or things that you have been wanting to do...and do it!
A bit of journaling now. This sunday my mother watched kids while i worked, they baked cookies and were packing some to go take home for us, when one of my kids added "and OM name?" My mom kinda went off saying that she did not like him. Then eventually asked if wifes parents liked OM? To which my kids replied with "they dont think so." Good news for me because ive often felt that inlaws have been playing me a little at times. Because i hear that, they talk with me alot about the situation, but then, MIL is helping W build a pintrest bunkbed for OM apartment...
My lawyer has the seperation/divorce papers ready. I havent decided if or when i might file, but they are ready and hes gonna sit on them for now.
It is getting harder and harder to want to stay true to the marriage, im partly excited or looking forward to being completly single, but acting right now still feels as though id be cheating. I still want to spend the rest of mt life with my wife, i had that her new memories arent ones we share, or that id even want to hear about post possible reconciliation.
I also have trouble with GALing, mainly trying to start new and build new life and friendships. or revert, by picking up where i left off 12 years ago and reconnect and get back to my roots...
I also have trouble with GALing, mainly trying to start new and build new life and friendships. or revert, by picking up where i left off 12 years ago and reconnect and get back to my roots...
jade,
At first, I had difficulty with my GAL activities; I was looking for something bold, daring and different. But, I'm a working dad so I had some constraints with regard to how much time I had to spend on my activities.
What led me to my GAL activities was that I needed a new bed because my W took our bed when she moved out, so I decided to build a bed. After I built the bed, I did other woodworking projects around the house, and soon I was constantly juggling multiple projects. It turned out to be a lot of fun. Much of the work I did was outside so I'd often talk with neighbors and people passing by. In addition, I often had to go to Lowe's or Home Depot or the nursery so I had a good amount of interaction with other people.
My point is that if your GAL activities are feeling a bit contrived, then just go with the flow and you might find something "ordinary" that captures your interest. My home projects made a world of difference in my attitudes toward everything.
I also have trouble with GALing, mainly trying to start new and build new life and friendships. or revert, by picking up where i left off 12 years ago and reconnect and get back to my roots...
jade,
At first, I had difficulty with my GAL activities; I was looking for something bold, daring and different. But, I'm a working dad so I had some constraints with regard to how much time I had to spend on my activities.
What led me to my GAL activities was that I needed a new bed because my W took our bed when she moved out, so I decided to build a bed. After I built the bed, I did other woodworking projects around the house, and soon I was constantly juggling multiple projects. It turned out to be a lot of fun. Much of the work I did was outside so I'd often talk with neighbors and people passing by. In addition, I often had to go to Lowe's or Home Depot or the nursery so I had a good amount of interaction with other people.
My point is that if your GAL activities are feeling a bit contrived, then just go with the flow and you might find something "ordinary" that captures your interest. My home projects made a world of difference in my attitudes toward everything.
Doodler, nice job explaining this.
Thanks guys. I honestly dont know what im doing or how to get a life. Since 17 my life was about my wife, our family and achieving our goals together. So now im faced with trying to DB in a way that combines doing whats best for me while still putting my kids first. Detaching would be much easier without kids n family ties.
It certainly feels like the world does not want me to be happy. It gets exhausting putting on the happy act for long periods with no real joy being acheived.
I completely understand what you're saying, jade. Faking happiness is not natural and when you feel completely devastated on the inside, it's the hardest thing to do. It's something I'm trying to learn also. Lots of luck to you
What's one thing you did in the last 7 days that you think is GAL? For this, don't count going to the gym.
What's one GAL thing you have planned for the next 7 days?
Rose - I just want to give jade an example here to be supportive and give ideas.
I went to an open mic comedy show at the local brewery.
Sorry for the delayed response. Ive done several new things toward GALing. My therapist was actually impressed with how id keep trying even after an idea falls through. I spend alot of time at local bowling allys following my friend and his wife. Did some casino bingo on a friday night. A friends kids birthday party at the roller rink. Went to my first ever PTA meeting. Gone out on a few "freindly dates".
Yesterday my wife went to my house uninvited while i was at work and took the dresser, then texts me she took it. I blew up telling her she is no longer allowed in my house. And that she will no longer be picking up the kids from the house, that i will take them to mine or her moms. I cant be a prisoner to the situation, not knowing from day to day, what will dissappear especially now that shes graduated to furniture.
So now her sister texts me that her great grandmas farm is getting sold and that GG stuff thats still in my house will need to go to their storage unit here soon. So now my wife has SIL doing to communications between us. And she wants a prosay divorce?
Hello Jade,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
What was your wife's response when you told her she is no longer to go to your house? No need to respond to SIL. The fewer of your wife's family members to deal with the better.
How are the divorce papers your lawyer drafted different from the joint papers your wife wants you to sign?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Detaching would be much easier without kids n family ties.
Hey Jade, sorry for the situation you are in. I'd like to say, Try not to think of how much easier other situations are and just focus on making yours the best it can be. for you and your kids.
Detaching would be much easier without kids n family ties.
Hey Jade, sorry for the situation you are in. I'd like to say, Try not to think of how much easier other situations are and just focus on making yours the best it can be. for you and your kids.
I think this is really good advice. Focus on yourself and your situation. It's hard sometimes. I even start to think about how much easier my EX has it and really that is just a waste of time. Find good people and situations to model your actions around.
The difference in paperwork, is that prosay divorce is us agreeing to everything like best friends without lawyers or a drawn out process. Right now my lawyer has already drafted up seperation papers, hes just sitting on them for now, i actually gave hime the green light to file them last week but now im hesitant. My mom says to file now before she can save up or do more damage to me. Idk. Im not sure if me filing would even phase her, or is it me taking the burden off her...? Its been 6mths since BD and she seems hellbent on avoiding me and speeding off with OM... What are ur guys thoughts, i kinda hope her speeding away means a more speedy crash of her fantasy.
Well with valentines day coming up my mind has got me thinking. Should i post a valentines thing up on facebook like all the other happy couples do, make my wife squirm a bit... Do i get her a card since she is still my wife..? Idk. Her change of address just came in the mail, little things like tt should pale in comparison to her sleeping and living with another man, but still bugs me. I still love the woman i married but this isnt her, she has gone missing, is she dead or still alive? I wont know until i see the fog lift.
The difference in paperwork, is that prosay divorce is us agreeing to everything like best friends without lawyers or a drawn out process. Right now my lawyer has already drafted up seperation papers, hes just sitting on them for now, i actually gave hime the green light to file them last week but now im hesitant. My mom says to file now before she can save up or do more damage to me. Idk. Im not sure if me filing would even phase her, or is it me taking the burden off her...? Its been 6mths since BD and she seems hellbent on avoiding me and speeding off with OM... What are ur guys thoughts, i kinda hope her speeding away means a more speedy crash of her fantasy.
In a sense, your Mom is correct. Filing first is advantageous. Mine had her lawyer draw up papers but wouldn't file. Due to where she was stationed, I waited until the last week before the jurisdiction period was up and filed. That way, it forced things to stay in this home county where the kids are, which helped immensely.
Speeding off...well, at six months after BD in my case my ex was telling the OM that he was her future husband. Her fantasy with him will live until its blown up...either by you or someone else.
Well with valentines day coming up my mind has got me thinking. Should i post a valentines thing up on facebook like all the other happy couples do, make my wife squirm a bit... Do i get her a card since she is still my wife..? Idk. Her change of address just came in the mail, little things like tt should pale in comparison to her sleeping and living with another man, but still bugs me. I still love the woman i married but this isnt her, she has gone missing, is she dead or still alive? I wont know until i see the fog lift.
What purpose would "making her squirm" do, other than make you look like a fool in her eyes? Sorry to put it that way, but there is no need to sugarcoat it. So here is the hammer - if she is sleeping and living with another man, DO NOT send her a card or even acknowledge her on this day. To her, that would seem like the stalkerish ex-boyfriend who won't leave her alone. You have the answers you seek in your statement.
I get that my mom and lawyer are correct, but my goal isnt to have the most advantage in a divorce. And since nothing was filed earlier i cant undo certain things shes done with the kids and OM.
I have no intentions of sending her anything for Vday Evil minnie me wanted to just put something on fb not to profess love but more as sarcasm, especially since she has been very silent with nearly everyone regarding her affair. i know its not right and i probably wont, but one can ponder.
Every day i wonder why this is happening to me/us. Not sure what i did to upset karma but i think ive suffered plenty for any of my sins. I dont deserve this, my kids dont deserve this, nobody deserves this. Some sitches have the waffling back n forth, that would come as a temporary relief to me. Not once has my wife seemed to look back.
I took a moment to talk with wife the other day, initially about our sons, but then she spewed and i defended.... In the conversation she said she hasnt filed because she hasnt had the time. Then went on to still try n say that we can do it without lawyers, and then that she wouldnt be able to afford a lawyer or court appointed attorney.
I took a moment to talk with wife the other day, initially about our sons, but then she spewed and i defended.... In the conversation she said she hasnt filed because she hasnt had the time. Then went on to still try n say that we can do it without lawyers, and then that she wouldnt be able to afford a lawyer or court appointed attorney.
I'm sorry the conversation didn't go well. In no way would I not get a lawyer. Don't fall for her trick, otherwise it will backfire. Immensely. If she can't afford one, that's her problem. She wanted this and she will have to deal with it. Not all of can afford one upfront, but we do what we have to in order to protect ourselves.
Keep it up!
Ive retained my lawyer even paid him to draft up stuff for filing. But have him sitting on it. I wasnt doing well after the converstation. I could feel my face twitching as i tried to talk to her. I dont get how she thinks id work with her and trust her in a prosay divorce when shes been nothing but cold n hostile last few months.
Every day i wonder why this is happening to me/us. Not sure what i did to upset karma but i think ive suffered plenty for any of my sins. I dont deserve this, my kids dont deserve this, nobody deserves this. Some sitches have the waffling back n forth, that would come as a temporary relief to me. Not once has my wife seemed to look back.
^^^^^I think we all feel the same way.
WW's follow the same script and get cold/hostile towards us, but don't let that stand in your way of protecting yourself. Think it was wise obtaining the L for yourself and if she complains about not being able to afford one on her own then just tell her you're sorry but this is what she wanted not you.
Ive retained my lawyer even paid him to draft up stuff for filing. But have him sitting on it. I wasnt doing well after the converstation. I could feel my face twitching as i tried to talk to her. I dont get how she thinks id work with her and trust her in a prosay divorce when shes been nothing but cold n hostile last few months.
I didn't do well after my initial conversation, either. That was tough. But, you did the right thing. Protect yourself. And try to look at it like it is a business dealing, because in all honesty, that's what it is.
Jade
I haven't posted in Newcombers much recently as my very high conflict D has left me very low. I like to read all of the threads before I post as otherwise my posts are skewed.
Recently I have been involved with a divorce group centred around distress abuse and control, there are many wonderful dads and husbands in that group.
So, in some sitches where D is started then great L advice is needed, I think yours is one of these. If your L is advising action then follow that advice. Please ensure you look at joint custody, ensure that you have a good home where your boys can come stay with you. Be aware that you may not be able to co parent with WW that it may be you have to parallel parent. Obtain great provisional custody orders as detailed as possible. At all times say cool and stum. Keep your buttons out of reach and don't run down the mother of your children in any way. This is a very crucial time and how you act and think will set the future.
Being this way is very strong and masculine.
You are to look after you and your boys, these precious children need you as the calmer and non wayward parent to be stable and secure. I can see you love your boys and that is a tremendous pleasure and delight to read. For me that shows your priorities and thinking are excellent. I really like this in your sitch and whilst I don't know you I can see this in the writing you have.
Your sitch is well beyond LRT, which is a technique I think is best with an in house sitch. You have GAL which is about growing stronger for yourself and having much to give. For most of us dating is a mistake, a distraction from pain in which we use another to remove pain, without growth then we are taking the problems of an old R into a new one.
Divorce won't mean the end, there are many reconciliations during and after, although it means a new R where you both are healed.
I can see Bippy has given you some great solid advice and doodler (when not skinny dipping) is very practical.
I have the habit of 'adopting' a newbie and I am sad to tell you that means I may keep dropping in on you.
V
Thank you for your response vanilla. Im sorry ur in high conflict. I did have typo in earlier post, i have one son, one daughter, not sure why i made it plural on my son.
I asked my IC if she knew of any divorcing/single dads groups. She did not. That would be nice, be able to vent and hangout with people going through similar sitchs without the risk of attraction. None of my social circle have gone this far down the rabbit hole, they all wonder why im still on this path of hope and have waned in their availability for support, even my close family. I truly have been feeling very alone and unsupported in this.
I do think i made some huge breaktrhoughs on seeing how my actions may have given my wife her reasons to end the marriage, granted i do believe she was looking for justifications, and i handed them right over in the beginning, because i truly felt she would have at least given our marriage a shot.
Im not sure if ur advising me to file for S or D at all. And if i did im not sure what my motivations would be, file for freedom, file for protection, file as a 2x4 for her... Or even the reasons i havent filed, putting it on her, out of pure dedication to our relationship, stubborness, fear??? I still beleive in my marriage, i believe in my wife being a good person, and i believe shes caught in a fog. So i sit in limbo not sure where to go or even if i can.
I swear all of this is turning me batty
So a few weeks ago MIL told me OM divorce was all figured out and that he and his wife were just waiting for their 120days for the final hearing. Well i decided to look into it. Not only is it not true, but nothing has even been filed on that side either. Should i inform MIL of this i feel either OM is lying to MIL, or my wife, or my wife is lying to MIL. Or MIL lied to me, Not sure why MIL would lie but who knows, she doesnt condone, but activily participates.
Blood is thicker than water.
Well today i received official notice that my wife E-filed for divorce 2 days ago, looked it up. Then looked up OM, his divorce was joint filed yesterday. Im not even sure what the e-file means, gotta wait for my lawyers response to my email. But my anxiety just jumped a few notches. I really want someone to turn to for some comfort and support. Obviously i cant reach out to the one i love.
Last night i get a text from my wife. "I dont want to live in an apartment for much longer. Will you sign a release so i can get on a mortgage?" Im thinking she has totally lost it. I havent even been served. She hasnt stayed in one spot past 2 months since she left. I never responded because im not sure how to. Shes been a cold hearted b###h for 6 months but wants me to do her this favor.
Last night i get a text from my wife. "I dont want to live in an apartment for much longer. Will you sign a release so i can get on a mortgage?" Im thinking she has totally lost it. I havent even been served. She hasnt stayed in one spot past 2 months since she left. I never responded because im not sure how to. Shes been a cold hearted b###h for 6 months but wants me to do her this favor.
So, who is paying now?
Where she stays shouldn't concern you. Don't be like a dog chasing cars. Just let it be.
Im paying the mortgage of the house "we" currently own since i stayed and she left. In my state, your spouse has to sign to take out a mortgage. And as ling as her name is on mine, it counts against her debt to income ratio. Im not sure what she meant by a release. Regardless that stuff is what my lawyer is for. And she can stay unhappy at an apartment until we have a decree!
Im paying the mortgage of the house "we" currently own since i stayed and she left. In my state, your spouse has to sign to take out a mortgage. And as ling as her name is on mine, it counts against her debt to income ratio. Im not sure what she meant by a release. Regardless that stuff is what my lawyer is for. And she can stay unhappy at an apartment until we have a decree!
Your lawyer will know better, but I wonder if she wants out and is released from the mortgage, then if that relinquishes her rights to half of the house as marital assets. You may want to find that out, otherwise if it is still considered marital property, then you'll end up paying her...
Just some thoughts...
My lawyer chuckled when i told him. He said dont agree to or sign anything unless he reviews it. My wife tried to get me to sign her prosay papers again, i didnt. And now when im done with work today i will be getting served officially.
I feel like ive been through hell fought long n hard to no avail! The impending doom is killing me.
My lawyer chuckled when i told him. He said dont agree to or sign anything unless he reviews it. My wife tried to get me to sign her prosay papers again, i didnt. And now when im done with work today i will be getting served officially.
I feel like ive been through hell fought long n hard to no avail! The impending doom is killing me.
I can relate. And I laugh at your lawyer's laugh - mine did the same. Getting served bites. And I can totally understand the fighting just to come up on the losing end. I, too, felt doom...but you know after the divorce? Much, much better.