So confused, please help - 11/08/16 08:13 AM
Hi all,
I am 37 and have two kids with my WAW of 13 years. It all started late last year when she started slowly cutting of family for perceived slights or because maintaining a relationship was pointless. Early in the year, she started having issues at work due to a new boss, and her parents helped us buy a house she wasn't really on board with...both of these caused her great stress (perhaps in tandem as the house meant she couldn't quit) In May, it got worse and she was talking about suicide. Then, in July things changed...she was more angry than sad. Lots of yelling and tons of anxiety. She was texting a ton and had started running, staying out later and later each time. She had lost weight, was straightening her hair, wearing earrings. And I was suspicious. So I checked her text history, and sure enough she was texting a guy. When I confronted her she said he was a friend from work who was depressed and helping her out. I thought it was weird, because she told me about her other friends from work that she texts but kept this one a secret. I told her it made me uncomfortable since he was 28 and single, and it didn't go well.
She started going out with her friends from work. Poker nights. Bars. Dinners. She even ditched me on a date night to go to a movie because they had an extra ticket. And there was tons of guilt and lots of secrecy. She blocked me from our cell phone bill and turned off her gps. But i was able to track her down other ways and followed her phone for a week. She wasn't going where she said, and wound up stopping by an apartment complex a few times...you guessed it, that guy from work. When I confronted her again, she was furious at first. Turned off her location services. But the next day she was extremely remorseful. Said that she was running while he caught Pokemon. That she was sick of hearing about his problems anyway and wouldn't see him anymore. But she continued to not come home until late at night. Worked more. Couldn't sleep. Started going hiking for the day on Sundays. And then she dropped the bomb and said she was moving out in September. 6 month lease.
I helped her move out. I did what I could to support her. She promised to come over daily and help with the kids, and for the first week she split time between our place and the apartment. But by week 2 she was there full time. We saw her 1 or 2 times a week. I heard from her daily, but it was usually really short. We were not allowed at her apartment.
It had been like this pretty much up until the Saturday before Halloween when we were supposed to go to visit family together about an hour away. At the last minute, she said she had a stomach bug and we weren't going. Later that day, I sat down to watch netflix and noticed some shows that had been watched recently that I didn't watch and I know she didn't (they were cartoons) but that the guy she was talking to would be interested in. I confronted her. I also called her mom and talked to her about it for the first time. Her whole family thought it was an affair before I even gave a story. Her mom called her and told her to stop stringing me along, so on Sunday she came over and said she didn't love me anymore. Was very cold. When I begged and argued, all she had in return was rage like I have never seen. I thought it was over.
But the next morning she apologized profusely. Wanted to come over and take the kids trick or treating. Gave me a hug when she got there (first in months) and told me she loved me (also first time in months). It almost felt normal for a night. Then back to the same ol the next day. On wednesday it came to a head. She came over without notice and i asked what she was doing there. We fought about the guy, what she said, etc...and after she left, I had had enough. I called verizon and was reinstated as account owner. There were THOUSANDS of texts to this guy. I was sick. I was done. My parents came up to help. I met with a lawyer. I sent her a proposal that she dump that guy and go to marriage counseling, and if it doesn't work I would consider it a sign of good faith and consider a more equitable arrangement with the kids.And a strange thing happened. She started begging to see the kids. For me to tell them she loves them. She said she was "coming out of her fog"
On Saturday, my daughter fell playing with her brother outside and needed some stiches. I let her know and she met me at the ER. She was very angry/cold at first, but by the end we had a chat in the car where she admitted she was angry at me from years back and that she just couldn't get past it...that she couldn't love me anymore. But we agreed she would come over on Sunday. It was nice and we almost felt like a family again. She made plans to come over Monday. But she also refused my proposal and refused to show me her texts from Logan.
I found this website yesterday when looking for what I should do. I see now I made tons of mistakes. But what I really need to know is...is she a WW or a WAW? I lean towards the former, but part of me refuses to accept that she had an affair despite all the obvious signs...Without concrete proof (she denies it, of course) I am constantly wavering on a course of action and it is killing me. I started the process of treating her like a WW last night when she came over the best I could, and it obviously got to her. She lingered when leaving because I just said bye, she texted me when she got home saying she sensed pain in me and hoped we would someday be friends, then when I didn't respond she said she gets it and wont contact me unless it is about the kids. I don't want to drive her away, just make her want me again.
Please help
I am 37 and have two kids with my WAW of 13 years. It all started late last year when she started slowly cutting of family for perceived slights or because maintaining a relationship was pointless. Early in the year, she started having issues at work due to a new boss, and her parents helped us buy a house she wasn't really on board with...both of these caused her great stress (perhaps in tandem as the house meant she couldn't quit) In May, it got worse and she was talking about suicide. Then, in July things changed...she was more angry than sad. Lots of yelling and tons of anxiety. She was texting a ton and had started running, staying out later and later each time. She had lost weight, was straightening her hair, wearing earrings. And I was suspicious. So I checked her text history, and sure enough she was texting a guy. When I confronted her she said he was a friend from work who was depressed and helping her out. I thought it was weird, because she told me about her other friends from work that she texts but kept this one a secret. I told her it made me uncomfortable since he was 28 and single, and it didn't go well.
She started going out with her friends from work. Poker nights. Bars. Dinners. She even ditched me on a date night to go to a movie because they had an extra ticket. And there was tons of guilt and lots of secrecy. She blocked me from our cell phone bill and turned off her gps. But i was able to track her down other ways and followed her phone for a week. She wasn't going where she said, and wound up stopping by an apartment complex a few times...you guessed it, that guy from work. When I confronted her again, she was furious at first. Turned off her location services. But the next day she was extremely remorseful. Said that she was running while he caught Pokemon. That she was sick of hearing about his problems anyway and wouldn't see him anymore. But she continued to not come home until late at night. Worked more. Couldn't sleep. Started going hiking for the day on Sundays. And then she dropped the bomb and said she was moving out in September. 6 month lease.
I helped her move out. I did what I could to support her. She promised to come over daily and help with the kids, and for the first week she split time between our place and the apartment. But by week 2 she was there full time. We saw her 1 or 2 times a week. I heard from her daily, but it was usually really short. We were not allowed at her apartment.
It had been like this pretty much up until the Saturday before Halloween when we were supposed to go to visit family together about an hour away. At the last minute, she said she had a stomach bug and we weren't going. Later that day, I sat down to watch netflix and noticed some shows that had been watched recently that I didn't watch and I know she didn't (they were cartoons) but that the guy she was talking to would be interested in. I confronted her. I also called her mom and talked to her about it for the first time. Her whole family thought it was an affair before I even gave a story. Her mom called her and told her to stop stringing me along, so on Sunday she came over and said she didn't love me anymore. Was very cold. When I begged and argued, all she had in return was rage like I have never seen. I thought it was over.
But the next morning she apologized profusely. Wanted to come over and take the kids trick or treating. Gave me a hug when she got there (first in months) and told me she loved me (also first time in months). It almost felt normal for a night. Then back to the same ol the next day. On wednesday it came to a head. She came over without notice and i asked what she was doing there. We fought about the guy, what she said, etc...and after she left, I had had enough. I called verizon and was reinstated as account owner. There were THOUSANDS of texts to this guy. I was sick. I was done. My parents came up to help. I met with a lawyer. I sent her a proposal that she dump that guy and go to marriage counseling, and if it doesn't work I would consider it a sign of good faith and consider a more equitable arrangement with the kids.And a strange thing happened. She started begging to see the kids. For me to tell them she loves them. She said she was "coming out of her fog"
On Saturday, my daughter fell playing with her brother outside and needed some stiches. I let her know and she met me at the ER. She was very angry/cold at first, but by the end we had a chat in the car where she admitted she was angry at me from years back and that she just couldn't get past it...that she couldn't love me anymore. But we agreed she would come over on Sunday. It was nice and we almost felt like a family again. She made plans to come over Monday. But she also refused my proposal and refused to show me her texts from Logan.
I found this website yesterday when looking for what I should do. I see now I made tons of mistakes. But what I really need to know is...is she a WW or a WAW? I lean towards the former, but part of me refuses to accept that she had an affair despite all the obvious signs...Without concrete proof (she denies it, of course) I am constantly wavering on a course of action and it is killing me. I started the process of treating her like a WW last night when she came over the best I could, and it obviously got to her. She lingered when leaving because I just said bye, she texted me when she got home saying she sensed pain in me and hoped we would someday be friends, then when I didn't respond she said she gets it and wont contact me unless it is about the kids. I don't want to drive her away, just make her want me again.
Please help