I'm wondering if it's time to end this saga.. I no longer feel anything towards the idea of trying to save my M, the only thing that I find myself really wanting is a true apology, but I don't see me ever wanting to get back together. I am really enjoying my freedom, I miss my past life when I think about it, but I don't find myself wanting to go back to it.
Is it too soon, maybe, after all it's only been 7 months since the first time I had any inkling anything was wrong.
I am still on a couple of her credit cards so I went on to make sure she was making the payments on time so I don't take another hit on my credit (she missed one payment and it showed up on my credit report), and I noticed a $100 charge from a cosmetic surgery center, as well as a $400 balance after I had paid off all of her credit cards less than a month ago. So I did start feeling a little concern that she is going to build up debt again (and possibly cosmetic surgery fees) and then I'm gonna have to take half of that when the D happens, so it may be weighing in on my feeling the need to file now.
Anyway, I went online and found a website that collects all the data and then prints out the forms to file at the court house and I started filling them out. I figure if I change my mind later, at least i'll already have the information started when I do decide to file, and it helps me to feel like I'm at least doing something to move forward (cause ya'll know I like to feel like I have control).
Not much interaction between my WW and I, just the occasional text about son, work, etc. About a week ago she did tell me something about her going to training at the FD and that I could pick my son up for dinner if I wanted (she knows I don't want anything to do with that place, including hearing about it, but I let it go and just said ok). I can pick my son up for dinner anytime he wants to go, so her having training or not isn't necessary for me to know.
Then the next day she texts me and says that son is volunteering at the FD and asked if I could bring him there, and I lost my $hit on her. I don't know if she is really that lacking in the common sense not to know that asking me to take him there would bother me, or if she just likes to deliberately take jabs, but either way I told her how I feel about it.
I think that my anger stems from her not feeling guilty, as I look around at the destruction she caused, it drives me crazy that she doesn't seem like she could care less. I will freely admit that the fire department is a trigger for me, and the more she ingrains my son into that place (he is my step son) the less that I will likely be seeing him (which isn't much as it is, maybe once every two weeks).
I invite him out a lot, but he's a teenage boy who is more into his friends and his life than wanting to spend time with dad. It doesn't surprise me, I knew that would be the case, but it has reaffirmed my desire to move out of state and I have a interview coming up next week. If I get offered the position, I would be moving out of state within 3 weeks of the interview.
As for the other girl in the office, I haven't talked to her since I came on here and posted about her. Like I said, we were two friends in the office that just enjoyed each others company and sense of humor a little too much. I just told her that because our connection as friends was so strong that it made me feel a longing to have someone in my life that I could feel that way with, and that I need to take my space and focus on myself and everything going on in my life.
We still see each other around the office, but when we converse it's very short and to the point now, and we don't IM all day on the office communicator. We never went out to eat together or spent time together in the break room, so that's not an issue. it was just about stopping the IM's and conversations...
I'm wondering if it's time to end this saga.. I no longer feel anything towards the idea of trying to save my M, the only thing that I find myself really wanting is a true apology, but I don't see me ever wanting to get back together. I am really enjoying my freedom, I miss my past life when I think about it, but I don't find myself wanting to go back to it.
Coconut,
Speaking of enjoying your freedom; a couple days ago, on NPR, they were talking about a guy that went on a ten day hike and it turned into a year long hike.
Maybe you should buy a Harley chopper, go full hippie, and do the Easy Rider thing. Then, write a book...
I don't know if she is really that lacking in the common sense not to know that asking me to take him there would bother me, or if she just likes to deliberately take jabs, but either way I told her how I feel about it.
[/quote]
Actually the same type of things happen to me as well....like my W said "when can I come and get my things" (moving in with OW) I'm not writing this email to upset you I just want a plan" Have a great day!!" Or even last week when she told me she was filing we were talking about her family and then "oh btw I'm starting the process of dissolution of marriage" then she wanted to talk more about my family...WTF...
So I guess maybe its lack of common sense? Or self-absorbed? Or who knows....its kind of comical if it didn't hurt/bother us so much....
Ummm...I guess I did not quote correctly...oops
They push buttons hoping for a snarky "bitter" response which makes them feel less guilty about their abHORREnt behavior. If you put your such snarky response in writing they can read it again and again or show it to others as justification for their behavior.
It's just a passive aggressive defense mechanism.
It soothes her mind that even though she feels guilty for not recovering that it never would have worked anyway because you'd have remained a bitter angry betrayed husband indefinitely and there was no way she could live under your angry bitter thumb.
It's one of the reasons you don't interact with a wayward wife through and after divorce if you are truly done. Parallel parenting.
One good thing about moving is you'll have your son's undivided attention when he comes to visit.
Take care.
7 months ago, 7 months ago I sat down next to you to eat dinner and I told you... I opened my mouth and began months of the most torturous pain I could imagine, I told you I felt like you were distant from me, little did I know how disengaged you'd become... I didn't know you'd secretly fallin for another man, that you'd try and keep up pretenses, say things to me that would make it seem as though I was imagining things, make it seem like I was crazy...
Little did you know, little did you know that I was crazy for you... I recognized that I would need to take a back seat, that I only needed to wait a couple of years, a couple of years till I could be the center of your affection... But then you changed direction, the center of your attention was no longer, it had moved beyond him and past me, I didn't stand a chance.. Whatever you were looking for, it wasn't me.
I was devastated, I wanted nothing more than save us, I would do anything to make it work, I would do anything to be with you. But wait, that's not me, I have self respect, by God, I'm a pretty good guy... You should be so lucky...
I've moved on, I no longer need you, not even sure I want you.. Do I care if your with him, I'm just happy doing me... Then comes the reminders, sticking it in my face... I'm done with this nonsense, I only have one life to live, I need to make it the best it can be.. But what does that mean, what is the best for me?
End this charade, end the secrets and lies, say it like it is, and let me live the best years of our lives..
Oh C-nut,
I know you keep reiterating all of this to her because you so desperately desire an apology and you want her to admit to everything she did wrong.
You can live the best years of your life without it. Please don't let this need for an apology hold you prisoner. Maybe one day it will come, maybe it won't. But please, free yourself from the need the best you can.
I agree with Ginger C-nut. If you wait for an apology to help you with closure, you may wait a very long time - a lifetime even.
The closest XH got to an apology was something along the lines of he knew he'd made mistakes but he hoped I realised he knows what he truly wants now - a new family.
That didn't really help me at all! But it was what he had to give at that point in time.
Ultimately, we need to find that acceptance, forgiveness and sense of peace within ourselves. Our WAS may not be present for any part of that journey, or even offer us anything or be aware of the path we are on.
It's completely understandable that you feel this way, but do look within rather than 'to her' for that healing.
Take care
Hey Coco,
Who really needs an apology. A door was closed, very firmly in your face. No-one needs to apologize for that.
Accept your fate. Think back on the 7 years, appreciate them. Attach no emotions to it, as all that you'll be doing is living your life in the past. And hoping for an apology in the future.
And then you truly are going to miss the best part of your life - THE PRESENT!
Man, sometimes opening up on here is rough, I feel like i'm going to disappoint you, but I've always wanted to be completely open and honest in what i'm going through, I don't see any reason to be here otherwise.
It's been a interesting last couple of weeks. I ended communication with the M female friend that I had developed feelings for, and decided that I am going to file for D about two weeks ago. And then I went on a vodka diet and lost at least 3 days... yesterday was my first day without getting wasted in the last two weeks.
Not the healthiest way to handle myself, but definitely made for a real eye opener. Now I didn't go hide in a room for two weeks (although I wanted to), I still went to work (minus two days I called out sick)and still went to dinner or small outings with family, but when I knew my schedule was clear for the rest of the day, I started drinking at home. Every day I woke up feeling like crap, and every night after I was wasted I asked myself what the heck I was doing, but yet the cycle repeated... I imagine that is what some who drink every day for years feel like, not wanting to do it and knowing they shouldn't, but yet continue the daily cycle non-the less.
Anyway, yesterday I decided I was done. I canceled the plans I had and decided that I needed to spend the day at home and not drink. I walked around the neighborhood, went fishing in the neighborhood lake, watched some TV and cleaned around the house. Basically starting to train my brain on doing things around the house without pouring a drink.
If I can't go at least the next two weeks without drinking, i'll be looking up AA for assistance with making sure I don't go down that path.
I'm not sure if I did it just because I could (single, living alone, no responsibility) or because I'm sad and was masking the pain. There has been no crying, I don't think of WW much and I don't think I would ever go back even if the opportunity presented itself (although I do miss my son and dogs)...
As for today, I feel great, going to the gym with a friend after work, and shopping for my contribution to thanksgiving dinner.
Coconut:
Be careful not to fall down that rabbit hole with booze. I started doing the same thing for a bit and it just leads to bad things. All the bad stuff comes to the surface when you're loaded. Not good.
Hang in there brother.
((Coconut)), the quality of honesty and bravery to try something new has always been evident about you. I admire the people here who have the spunk to make a new life for themselves. It must take an incredible amount of strength and courage. Something I have not ignored about you is whenever you see you are going down the wrong avenue.......you have the guts to do something to change your direction.
Thank you for staying in touch. Frankly, I really like hearing from you. There is life after divorce. I haven't experienced it myself, but I have seen it. Please stay healthy. You are too valuable to waste.
Coco
Is this a long time habit or just this Once?
If the former then good news on capping it.
If occasional then put it behind you and move on.
It's ok if either.
V
Hi Coconut, it was brave of you to post that and I'm glad you have realised that isn't a road you want to go down.
A good friend of mine realised she started drinking home alone a number of years ago. When she realised how much she had been drinking, it shocked her and she gave up drink completely.
For you, this sounds like a wake up call and you realise your relationship with alcohol isn't healthy at the moment. The thing is, if you carry on down that path - using alcohol to deal with life - the alcohol use itself becomes a significant problem to tackle - ie: another layer onto an already difficult situation.
I hope you'll make early contact with AA and get the support you need to deal with this and we of course will be here to offer support.
Xx
C-Nut. I have always been drawn to you because of your openness and transparency, and you take your 2*4s in stride. ... I really do feel for you. I have not shared this, but I have also had some issues with substance abuse. It can be terribly confusing, and I don't consider myself an addict. Although some might even call that denial. .... I thank you for hour honesty and bravery to share. Your insight into yourself appears to be your greatest strength. It's been one he11ava year, but I believe you will get through this and be so much stronger.
(((C-nut)))
Blu
Hi all,
I haven't been coming to the boards as much, as I find sometimes it triggers a little sadness in me to read the newbies stories, I find myself mentally going back to the beginning of my sitch.. I still come on occasionally and try and provide some support, but I keep my visits pretty short.
Anyway, I'm doing well, I have stopped the daily drinking, knowing it wasn't something I wanted to make a habit of.
I hope everyone was able to find some happiness over the holiday, I know it's a tough time of the year to be dealing with this stuff, but hopefully you were able to find time with friends and/or family that allowed you to enjoy the moment, even if the moment wasn't what you thought it would be.
In my case, my sons b-day was Monday, my wifes is this coming Monday and mine is the Monday after that.. it's always been a very very busy time of year, but a lot less so this year. I threw a b-day party for my son, we had a lot of fun. Don't think i'll be doing anything special for mine, probably just hang out with friends, maybe dinner with family, but that's all I want so it works for me.
I've stopped moving forward on filing for D. I have no intention of getting back with my ex, but the filing of the paperwork was really getting me down, so I put that on hold for now.
I have no intention of getting back with my ex, but the filing of the paperwork was really getting me down, so I put that on hold for now.
Coconut,
Your statement got me thinking (that's never a good thing). Why do we have to go through the hassle and expense of divorce? Why can't we simply make it a business transaction? You could put your 50% of the marriage license up for sale on eBay. When you find a buyer, it could be similar to transferring the title to a car. No pesky lawyers; just a small fee. That would reduce the hassle and expense of divorce, and you might be able to pocket enough cash to put a down payment on a Harley.
On the other hand, if the spouse is a real clunker, you might have to pay to have the spouse hauled to junk yard or you could donate the spouse to charity. There's always someone looking around for a "fixer-upper." You could even start a television show called "This Old Spouse." The possibilities are endless...
This old spouse, lmfao, doodler you are too much...
It really is ridiculous that my state doesn't have legal separations, so for me to remove my legal attachment to her and any debt she accrues I have to pay the fees and file all the paperwork... She could literally not do anything, doesn't even need to respond to the serving of papers, I would be able to end the M, but at my expense and effort, even though she's the one that gave up.
Ugh...
This old spouse, lmfao, doodler you are too much...
It really is ridiculous that my state doesn't have legal separations, so for me to remove my legal attachment to her and any debt she accrues I have to pay the fees and file all the paperwork... She could literally not do anything, doesn't even need to respond to the serving of papers, I would be able to end the M, but at my expense and effort, even though she's the one that gave up.
Ugh...
Nothing about this is fair. The WAS will never really know the pain they inflicted, they may never feel remorseful, they might even feel they were the victim and always see themselves as the wronged party, they might even get lucky and find happiness with their latest A partner. Or they might mature into some deep and loving loyal partner just in time for that person. And they may be applauded by their friends and family for being strong enough to 'follow their heart' while they rip your children from your arms and deprive them of the type of fam-
OK, I'm going to stop right there. Calming myself before I lock up your thread. Point is, you're right, it's not fair. And that takes time to accept.
Just keep walking. Acceptance will come. And what's cool is at some point fair won't really matter because you won't need validation, revenge, or anything from her. Someday when you expect that it will never happen you'll wake up truly detached and realize 'fair' doesn't trigger you anymore because that implies some type of comparison or attachment to things out of your control, whereas you'll be such a rock that you'll only care about two things: Appreciating what you have and striving to do your best from where you're at daily. And when you do those things you'll ALWAYS be ok.
At some point she stops to matter and you do what's best for you. Pretending she was just a robot with no ties to you, would filing be best for you or is staying legally M best for you and your children?
Take care of yourself and keep fighting the good fight.
Zeus,
I found all of what you said inspirational and honest.
Do you feel this......
Just keep walking. Acceptance will come. And what's cool is at some point fair won't really matter because you won't need validation, revenge, or anything from her. Someday when you expect that it will never happen you'll wake up truly detached and realize 'fair' doesn't trigger you anymore because that implies some type of comparison or attachment to things out of your control, whereas you'll be such a rock that you'll only care about two things: Appreciating what you have and striving to do your best from where you're at daily. And when you do those things you'll ALWAYS be ok.
Or is it an assumption/aspiration?
Thanks.
Surfer.
Just keep walking. Acceptance will come. And what's cool is at some point fair won't really matter because you won't need validation, revenge, or anything from her. Someday when you expect that it will never happen you'll wake up truly detached and realize 'fair' doesn't trigger you anymore because that implies some type of comparison or attachment to things out of your control, whereas you'll be such a rock that you'll only care about two things: Appreciating what you have and striving to do your best from where you're at daily. And when you do those things you'll ALWAYS be ok.
This is completely true. I raged for probably a year wanting an apology. I not only didn't get it, I didn't get a single word from her. And I realized that I was allowing something to consume me, even though it was no part of me anymore; and I let it go. And EVERYTHING changed for the better when I did. I remember thinking nothing would ever feel good/right again, but it did and it's wonderful.
This old spouse, lmfao, doodler you are too much...
It really is ridiculous that my state doesn't have legal separations, so for me to remove my legal attachment to her and any debt she accrues I have to pay the fees and file all the paperwork... She could literally not do anything, doesn't even need to respond to the serving of papers, I would be able to end the M, but at my expense and effort, even though she's the one that gave up.
Ugh...
Hey buddy. I'm sorry. It's a bummer. I think when we are in the thick of it, there is this high energy that keeps us fueled. Then when things settle down--with or without them back--we eventually reach a place of despondency or a dull numbness.
I know you say that she is the one that gave up, and she wasn't willing to quit the fire dept. Do you think she would agree with that? I mean maybe she will come around eventually? She may just not be able to meet your terms.
Does it hurt to leave things as they are for now? There might be some relief in completing the D process, but I'm not sure it would make much difference to leave it alone for now.
Blu
Hey buddy. I'm sorry. It's a bummer. I think when we are in the thick of it, there is this high energy that keeps us fueled. Then when things settle down--with or without them back--we eventually reach a place of despondency or a dull numbness.
Blu,
There's something to that. I found that I so thoroughly enjoyed kicking @ss that when there was no more @ss to kick I either had to stir up trouble or find something to do to take the edge off.
Zeus,
I found all of what you said inspirational and honest.
Do you feel this......
Just keep walking. Acceptance will come. And what's cool is at some point fair won't really matter because you won't need validation, revenge, or anything from her. Someday when you expect that it will never happen you'll wake up truly detached and realize 'fair' doesn't trigger you anymore because that implies some type of comparison or attachment to things out of your control, whereas you'll be such a rock that you'll only care about two things: Appreciating what you have and striving to do your best from where you're at daily. And when you do those things you'll ALWAYS be ok.
Or is it an assumption/aspiration?
Thanks.
Surfer.
Thanks Surfer. It is absolutely how I feel the vast majority of the time. I'm human so it's not like I don't have negative emotions at times. My divorce devastated me, and while the wounds don't cause daily pain anymore, that isn't to say the loss wasn't profound and permanent. I still have to sort through some pain here and there, some sadness, feelings of betrayal, resentment, not just for the loss of my M, but for my loss of faith in M, and the loss of my belief that I'll have another relationship. Many people on these forums cling to the idea that they'll emerge wiser and healthier and find some more functional and rewarding relationship in the future, but while that's possible, it's certainly not what statistics show. Oh, we can ignore the statistics and say those apply to everyone else that isn't us, that doesn't care like we care, that doesn't put in the work we put in, that doesn't mean it like us, but I always thought that the divorce statistics applied to everyone but me in my first marriage too and that love would prevail. I've learned I'm not immune to our humanity, so a big part of my grieving was learning to accept the reality of today's world and how different it is from the love and connection I longed for all my life.
But while that may seem a little unpleasant, it's been really good for me. I really don't want to go down the path of medicating by lying to myself and promising myself some future happiness to get through today's struggles. I'd prefer to meet them day to day, and learn to be ok with my world TODAY, as it is, without needing to be in control of the future. And I am doing just that.
The key for me is the appreciation part. Truly we have a lot to be appreciative for. I've said it 100 times before but I'll say it again. My mantra has always been that if I can look at everything I've been given, but then turn to God and tell him I can't possibly be happy with what I have unless he gives me the woman and relationship I wanted when I want it that works the way I want it to...well, that is so crazy that if that's my mindset I'll never be ok. I'll always be suffering because that just isn't going to happen, and even if it did anyone with that entitled and unappreciative of an attitude would be unhappy for some other reason anyway. So this divorce has forced me to learn to focus on what I have to be appreciative of, and has forced me to decide to be happy with what I have in life. I've always been a believer of "Life isn't about getting what you want, it's about wanting what you get", but my ability to execute this has increased tremendously.
Then the part about focusing on what you can control. Namely, your focus on appreciation, and your reaction to your environment. Live in a way that makes you proud, so you like what you see when you look in the mirror. It's not easy to do your best when you're at your worst, so where normally I'd be some superman trying to show how awesome I can make my life, that's not easy when you're broken, depressed, lonely, overwhelmed, and barely able to keep up with bills and life's demands. So I've learned to be a bit compassionate with myself, and to hold myself to high standards, but accept that I am human and can only do what I can do. I've let go of some of my perfectionism and have learned to celebrate little wins. In some ways this is very similar to appreciation- appreciation is being happy with what you have instead of what you want, eliminating perfectionism is about patting yourself on the back for doing what you can rather than beating yourself up about the never closing gap between that and perfection.
In the end I am happy. I don't believe happiness is the ultimate goal, I don't think we're put here to be happy. I think that's selfish, self centered, and using happiness as a compass to steer your life with the entitled attitude that says you deserve to be happy is part of why divorce is so rampant. But since I've shifted my focus to serving my family, living in a way that agrees with my understanding of 'God's Will' for lack of better terms, and being appreciative for being given a life to live, well, the result is that I am indeed at peace, and find myself enjoying myself. A good Netflix show (or a bad one). A game of chess. A pool tournament. A book with my kids. Music. A good meal. Just cruising in my car on my way to work. There are so many things I enjoy, every day. I guess that means I no longer live in a state of misery where peace is the exception, I must be pretty normalized now because so many things fill me up.
I also think what I went through was so difficult I am feeling artificially high just for having it behind me. It's like I'm walking on air most days. Good lord, it was a hard road. But if you work hard on these things it pays off, and it isn't hard forever.
OK, long post, nothing too pointed I was trying to get across, just a nice virtual chat with a fellow DBer. Hang in Surfer and good to hear from you.
This plays into a recent conversation we had about the difference between happiness and "joy".
One is fleeting, temporary, silly, goofy, and momentary. The other is a deeply rooted feeling that continues through surface emotions, circumstances, etc...
Good observations!
Hi Zues, sometimes you write things that really resonate with me. Thank you for this little nugget. I adapted it and have put it in my phone -
Appreciate what you have
And strive to do your best from wherever you are at daily.
I do believe that if we all follow that advice, we are on the right path.
Xx
Thank you Zeus.
A very positive outlook will always serve you well. I do think this is part of the problem we all suffer. I can't imagine any LBS looking back and seeing a spouse that was optimistic. Perhaps you are right 'deserving happiness' vs 'being happy with what you have' is an interesting point. I am going to try to focus on this.
Surfer.
So my in-laws want to meet up on my birthday for lunch or dinner. I've always been very close to them, and consider them friends. I've met up with them twice since my WW and I have S, and they mean a lot to me and we always have a good time when we get together.
I don't have anything to do with WW anymore, I communicate directly with my step son and although we work together, I only see her maybe once every two weeks. I am separating my life from hers and doing so feels right.
I want to see my in-laws for my birthday, I enjoy spending time with them and want to, but it just seems wrong, although I don't know why. I'm questioning going to see them, I'm questioning if I should just take this birthday away from them and see what next year brings. I don't know, I just don't know.
I've already accepted their invite, I've already agreed to meet with them, but I still have this nagging feeling that I'm not sure I should go, that things would be better without them being around. We don't talk about her, but she is the piece that binds us, so although unspoken, she's not entirely gone.
What do you think, should I go as I want to, or cancel as my inner self is thinking would be best?
I will tell you this - you would be wise to file now. You can let the case dawdle for a LONG time in court, but you will have a point in time protection against her continuing to incur debt.
I haven't read all of your threads, but if you DO file, be prepared to be called every name in the book and the person who "ruined" your marriage.
Thinking of you today. How did you celebrate Christmas holidays?
I hope you have not stopped posting.
Hey y'all,
Sandy, I didn't necessarily stop posting, but I had an emotional couple of weeks after Thanksgiving and my son's, my stbxw, and my birthdays all within a 3 week period. It all added up and by my birthday I was in a bad place as far as she is concerned, so I cancelled my planned birthday lunch with my in-laws and stopped all communication with anyone having to do with my ww, and stopped coming here to just get away from all things having to do with my sitch.
By Christmas I was back in a good place, and thoroughly enjoyed Christmas with my Family (we did an all day pajama party at my moms house), and although I didn't do anything for New Years, that was just a decision I made because I didn't want to. I've been hanging out with friends, doing a lot of fishing, and I bought myself a very nice drone for Christmas and have been playing around with that a lot.
Not much going on with WW, still no communication from her and I'm not communicating with her (except I did have two nights were I layed into her again, I know not a good idea but I was sharing my bad place with her). I want to file for divorce, but everytime I sit down to continue filling out the paperwork, I get fed up with having to get all the accounts information, balances, etc. and I just put it down to do later.
We see each other at work, not much, but when we do we both just ignore the other (like at the Christmas party). That's pretty easy for me since I have a lot of friends at work, so I just keep my focus on them, although every now and then I will see her walk by and it does have a small impact on me, but nothing much more than what you would feel if you saw an old friend walk by.
I've been lacking in the gym, so I made my way back there yesterday, gonna try and do 45 minutes every day until I get back in the swing of things and then I'll change to a longer less frequent work out, but right now I just want to get in the habit of going there.
As for me, I'm still looking to move up north, I finally had an interview today for a position that I applied for in August, interview went well so I'm pretty hopeful, and that would put me in NC in February. It's not the ideal location for me, its further from the mountains than I wanted to go, but it's a good position for me, so I may settle for now and look to move closer in a year or so. The plus side is that the drive back home would be 3 hours less than where I want to move, making coming back for weekends with my son easier.
I am just stopping by and saying hello for now, but i'll be back tonight or tomorrow to provide an update.. I've been doing well, just really busy with new hobbies and haven't spent much time on computers, except at work, and been really busy there too...
It's always good to hear from you. Sad.......but good. I still think she will come to her right senses, but too late.
I'm glad you have a good relationship with your SS. Is it difficult to not talk about your W? BTW, does SS know the truth of why the M is on the rocks?
It's understandable that your momentum may change and that you would have to discipline yourself to go to the gym, etc. Do you feel as if you are living in limbo for one? ((Coconut))
Your need to post will probably decline a lot, and maybe you see no point in updating, or commenting on some newcomer's post. If you see it as a painful connection to your past, then do what is best for Coconut. Speaking only for myself, I will miss you very much, should you decide to fade away. Some of the smartest DBers I remember were eventually divorced, and yet it was their shared experiences and knowledge that was so valued by others looking for guidance. So, I hope I will see your posts from time to time.
hi Sandi2, it is so good to hear from you too, it made me happy to see that you had stopped by to let me know you were thinking about me. I also appreciate you giving me some questions or thoughts, it's always so hard to think about what to post now a days.
I don't think she will ever come to her senses, I truly believe she's so caught up in her own Narcissist tendencies that she doesn't really think of much else. It has been 9 months since the first sign of trouble in our M, and in all that time she has never apologized for what she did, or even started a R conversation (think about that we had a short period where she said she wanted to work on M, then an in house S, then Seperation, then we sold the house, and not once did she ever start a R conversation). Other than 2 or 3 times where someone told me that she was watching our wedding video on our anniversary and crying, or that she posted something about how sad it is to lose someone you love, it doesn't even seem like she's been sad. It seems like there are only two things she cares about now, her looks and the fire department (I'm making this deduction off of very very little info since we don't talk and I don't talk about her to anyone). She continues to lose weight and she was already pretty thin, but I'd guess she's down to about 85 or 90 pounds (from about 125 at bomb drop) and she is constantly showing up at work in new clothes. My son, or someone else, will occasionally make an offhand comment about something she's doing at the fire dept. She does not seem to be home with son much, when I pick him up to do something he often comments that he was home alone.
As far as I am aware, he has not been told the truth as to why our M ended, I know that she once mentioned to him that she had a "friend" at the fire station and I didn't like that, so he's probably figured it out, but he has never asked me and I never came right out and told him. It's his mother, and I don't see a need to put that weight on him, it's not something I would want to know about my mother. When we spend time together it is not difficult to not talk about her. It means nothing to me to mention her, as in "if mom can't take you let me know", or something like that, but we do not discuss her or what she's doing at all. Nothing, nada, zip. it doesn't seem to be difficult for him either, we converse very naturally and generally have a good time just talking about different things, so it doesn't seem like it is difficult for him to get past not talking about her to me.
Momentum changes happen, but that's part of life. I think we all go through periods of high motivation and happiness, and other periods where we are much less motivated and/or happy. There is a definite rush post BD that gets you going, motivates you to do things because you think you can change the world and your sitch if you do everything right, but once you come down from that initial rush, and get past some of the sadness that is bound to follow, things pretty much get back to normal. I brought up getting to the gym in my previous post because I really enjoyed it, nothing to do with the sitch, it just feels good to have a little spring in your step after a visit to the gym, so I wanted to work that back in to my daily life, and am doing pretty good at finding time for exercise.
You ask if I feel like I'm living in limbo... lol, the answer to that is a resounding yes. It's my own fault though, due to my wanting to relocate out of state. I purposely rented the cheapest place I could find, it is a very nice development, but it's a studio apartment and I picked an apartment location that was very easy to move stuff in and out of as opposed to picking a location I would enjoy more (i.e., an apartment near the lake, or pool, or barbecue area). I haven't hung any paintings or pictures because I don't want to have to fix the walls before moving out, etc. I never really settled in to my new place because my plan from the beginning was to move out ASAP. It's now been 3 months, and I'm still living in Limbo, but I just had another good interview so I currently have a good chance at two different jobs, one in TN and one in NC. Hopefully I will get a new position soon so I can start settling in at my new place.
My need to post has disappeared, I don't feel a need to ask for advice, or get opinions on what this or that means, or if I'm making a good decision to do something. I'm living my life based on what I want, and I don't put myself in situations that are questionable. Overall I'm doing well, I have picked up a new hobby with my Drone, doing photography and videography with it is really fun and I get some incredible footage. I've also really gotten back into fishing, and have a group of 5 of us that go out together quite often, 3 of us, including myself just bought one or two man boats, I got a 1 person inflatable that is easy to store and transport, and we take them out in the local lakes and canals. It's a lot of fun, we all have motors for them and when we aren't catching anything it sometimes turns into bumper boats or races.
Updating my own post doesn't bring anything to the surface, but I do find it difficult to read newcomers stories and provide advice, because it does bring some pain/memories up to the surface. I'm far past tears or despair, but when the memories rise to the surface it can make it hard to sleep a full night or get motivated to do things, so I'm still staying away from that for now, but I don't plan on staying away for ever. I come on occasionally and read a few posts and see how it makes me feel, but I look forward to being able to really dig in and hopefully provide some helpful feedback and thoughts in the near future.
Coconut,
It's good to hear from you! I'm glad you're doing well in spite of the circumstances.
As I was reading your post, I started wondering if drones have been used for fishing (for spotting fish). I googled it, and sure enough, drones are being used for fishing. You could combine two hobbies.
Doodler,
I bought the drone with the idea of spotting fish, but you have to fly pretty low since the camera doesn't have zoom, and it was REALLY expensive, so it doesn't make me happy to fly it 10 feet above water.. So I don't do that.
By the way, I saw one video where the guy ties a lure to the drone itself, caught a pretty big fish and brought it in with the drone.. was pretty cool that the drone was able to bring a fish in that was about 3-4 lbs.
By the way, I saw one video where the guy ties a lure to the drone itself, caught a pretty big fish and brought it in with the drone.. was pretty cool that the drone was able to bring a fish in that was about 3-4 lbs.
Coconut,
That's awesome! Maybe commercial fishermen will start fishing remotely while drinking coffee at Starbuck's.
Thanks for the update. It makes sense that reading posts in newcomers would refresh some sadness. I don't think this is the most healthy place to visit when you are moving onward in making a new life, simply b/c you can emotionally relate with the pain here.
I hope you will occassionaly drop by to say hello. Take good care of yourself. ((Coconut))
been a rough week.
So got a email last Wednesday night offering me a position in NC. As I got off work Thursday, my cousin texts me and says that we should drive up to the NC and look around to see where I want to live, so we left an hour later. Found the area that I want to move, it's just what I wanted, small town with a main street with any stores I would need, and houses scattered throughout farmland. There is a also a small college there, wo maybe a little more entertainment venues than you'd normally find in such a small town. I start the new job February 20th.
So we got back to town Sunday morning and I got sick, been sick all week with the flu
I went to work Monday and part of Tuesday because it really hadn't hit me hard until Tuesday, but I couldn't finish the day out and went home. Then, Wednesday morning my son calls and tells me hes at the Dr. because he's been feeling lethargic and thirsty all the time. Says that they diagnosed him with Type I diabetes, and he was leaving the dr's office and going to the hospital because his sugar was so high it wasn't even showing up on their testers.
He's been in the hospital since Wed, I haven't been able to visit him because I'm sick, and now I find out i'm moving after he gets such a bad diagnosis. grrrr, nothing is ever easy.
Coconut,
Congratulations on your new job! I'm sorry that you're sick and feeling badly. Illness always makes things seem gloomier. I hope you feel better soon.
I'm also sorry about your son's type 1 diabetes. I hope you get to see him soon.
Hey Y'all,
Just wanted to let everyone know I'm good, actually I'm great! I moved to NC about three weeks ago, and I definitely found a place I belong. My new job is heads and tails better than where I was previously, I am already feel like my new place is home (something I never really felt about the apt I moved to when we separated), and I'm having a blast in the (semi) country
. I'm meeting people left and right, I never realized how little I stopped and smelled the roses, I was always on a mission and had my sights on completion, and rushed through the process. Now I constantly find myself caught up in conversation with people no matter where I go, and don't get caught up with timelines. I've been getting out hiking and fishing a lot, I've met up with people and am planning follow-up outings. I was like a little kid this morning when I woke up and found it snowing outside. I've never lived somewhere it snows, and just had to get out explore.
My W and I don't talk, we haven't talked since last July (I think), other than to communicate about my son, and I'm good with that. The fact is that I don't like that I dislike her so much, but the fact is I despise who she became, but I don't have any anger towards her anymore, I just prefer not to have anything to do with her.
My last day at work everyone went out to celebrate my leaving (not like they were celebratin that I was leaving, but to wish me well) and she showed up. I thought that was pretty weird, but she sat far away from me so there wasn't awkwardness. Although at the end everyone walked up to me to wish me well, and she walked up and just kinda stood there, and then said something about going home to take son to Dr., that was a pretty awkward moment because I didn't know why she even showed up, much less what she expected me to say to her.
My son is dealing with his medical issues well, luckily it hasn't gotten him down, and we talk a lot now by phone and text. He's coming up in the summer and I'm going down during spring break to see him.
Coconut
Isn't is great to have a job that you like and fits so well?
My W and I don't talk, we haven't talked since last July (I think), other than to communicate about my son, and I'm good with that. The fact is that I don't like that I dislike her so much, but the fact is I despise who she became, but I don't have any anger towards her anymore, I just prefer not to have anything to do with her.
I'm getting to where you are. I just wish I didn't have to talk to her in some form every day. Good on ya!
Jeep, I agree that it is tougher when you have to be in daily contact, but even that is heads and shoulders above in-house separation.
I know the advice frequently given on this site is not to move out of the Master bedroom, and definitely don't move out of the house. But looking back on my sitch, I believe it would have been so much better if I moved out at the first sign that the ww wasn't committed to saving the Marriage or at least to not doing anything to make it worse after BD.
I guess if your great at DB'ing, and your able to disengage quickly, able to live your life and let them do their thing it would work great to stay and show that you are there if they want to come back (light house), but I wasn't able to do that. After starting to see signs that she wasn't doing what she could, I got angrier and angrier, couldn't disengage and started lashing out.
As soon as I got out of the house, those feelings started dissipating, I started focusing on me and slowly (very slowly) started losing the anger, now I have none.
We are still legally married, I wish that wasn't the case but I don't feel like doing the legwork, but if she came to me today and said she made a huge mistake and wanted to work on things I wouldn't do it. I believe that if I hadn't stuck it out, and allowed her to hurt me so much after bd, I would feel differently about that. The truth is I can now think about her without any anger, and I look at the possibility of trying to work things out without emotion, but I am much happier now than I was the last 3 years of marriage and I know the things she did that hurt me (after bd) would be a deal breaker on deciding to try.
I know that the hardest part of the process is the piecing, and I am not willing to put in that kind of work for someone that I allowed to hurt me so bad (not the A, but the lack of caring in the months afterward). So I feel that if I had just left sooner, I would still be open to trying to piece.
I want to make it clear that I'm NOT saying that moving out would have increased my chances of her wanting to put in the work to try and piece things back together, I'm only saying that moving out would have left me open to the idea.
I am not willing to put in that kind of work for someone that I allowed to hurt me so bad (not the A, but the lack of caring in the months afterward).
Yep. Know how you feel.
It is great to hear about your new life and how well you like it.
In reference to your thoughts about staying in the house vs leaving, I agree with a lot of what you said. The longer I am on the board reading these threads that involve a wayward wife, the more I am convinced that the so called in-house S is destructive. The couple is not truly separated when they share the same house, and it is ultimate cake eating for the WW.
The couple is not truly separated when they share the same house, and it is ultimate cake eating for the WW.
Amen sister! I didn't truly see my situation for what it was until we physically separated. I think there's a lot of wisdom in the old-fashioned "kick the bum out" approach. We nice guys are too reliant on the strong women we marry to provide the backbone that we should've had all along.
more I am convinced that the so called in-house S is destructive
^This. Mine was brutal at best.
more I am convinced that the so called in-house S is destructive
^This. Mine was brutal at best.
^This X2.
The month being in the house AFTER the divorce... ugh. I want to cry just thinking about it. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I wanted to add a suggestion to all that are in a in-house separation only because they don't have somewhere else to go. I was stuck in that situation, and I "thought" I didn't have any choices other than a hotel or parents house unless I signed a lease.
I've since used craigslist to sublet a lease (I moved out of state only a few months into renting a apartment), and it was a very easy process. I noticed that a lot of people on there were looking for someone to sublet their lease for only a month or two. This would be a very effective way of finding somewhere else for a short period of time, and I think would have helped me immensely. You can take some furniture from your current place or pick up some cheap from craigslist while you're on there. The goal of a short term lease wouldn't generally be to end it all and move on permanently, but a place for you to get some space to get your head right, then reassess the situation and what would be best for you and your R.
You know, I've stayed away for awhile because it is difficult to bounce back from a cheating spouse while reading the stories of others, that brings back all of the emotions and memories of my sitch.
I came back to this site because, well quite frankly it's freezing cold out, I'm a southern boy who's always lived in FL and being in the feels like 20° out is to freeking cold to do anything outside, so I'm hiding in my heated house..,
But even now, 10 months after bd, after selling our home, me moving to another state, and being really happy with my life and the adventure in it, I still find reading the stories of heartbreak incredibly difficult. I'm replaying the memories of my sitch, and although I've put walls up that protect me from the pain that I once felt, I find myself feeling more connected to my WW than I want to be, minus the complete emotional hurt I once felt...
It's very interesting to me how this plays out. Will continuously subjecting myself to this toughen me up, or is coming back here slowly breaking down my walls, allowing my walls to disappear and allowing the pain to come back? I would give anything, including reliving the pain myself, to help one person save their M, but I often wonder if that's possible. I've been there, I know that when your going through this, your actions are sometimes uncontrollable, that the advice of strangers seems far-fetched, it seems like until I lived it, none of the advice made sense..
For now I will keep trying, but it doesn't make sense to me how the "vets" do it, they've been through this, do they not relive the pain as I feel myself doing?
I guess this started as a thank you to the vets who frequently hand out words of wisdom, it is one of my goals to one day do so myself, as I know how important it is, even if we don't always seem as though we are listening..
I, for one, am happy to hear you may consider tuning in now and again. I believe everyone has valuable experience, whether the D was busted or not. I always thought your posts carried weight with newcomers on the board who did not know the first thing to do. And not just newcomers, but others as well, benefited.
In the beginning, to come here was therapy for me. I poured my heart into it. Quickly gained a reputation for long posts.
Man, when I look back on those first few years........I don't when I ever slept.
For now I will keep trying, but it doesn't make sense to me how the "vets" do it, they've been through this, do they not relive the pain as I feel myself doing?
Well of course, I come from the other side of the fence, so I can't answer for them. I suppose that's for each person to figure out for himself. Could you help guide another person by passing on information you have learned in a similar stitch, without describing details of your own MR? I really don't know what to tell you, Coconut. Some Vets never refer to their S, but focus on the poster. I don't think I could hang around daily, if it caused me more pain. Maybe it is still a bit soon?
It's possible it's to soon Sandi, I'll decide that next week when it warms up... But either way, Tank You for all the help you provide(d) me/us all...
For now, I'll see where this leads, I'm secure in my life and the happiness it brings me (I just can't wait until it warms up to allow me to go fishing
I guess its time for a bit of an update.. I find it difficult to update my sitch, since there just isn't much going on with it.
I don't speak with my STBX almost at all, I've only had one conversation with her in the last 4 months, and that was due to her texting me about getting a car for my step-son, she didn't ask for anything in the text but I was guessing she wanted me to contribute. I told her I'd contact her later to discuss (I was with my mother who I took out for b-day breakfast), I called her about 2 hrs later. Not much to the conversation, she told me about the car, and that her step-father, father, and my sons biological father were all chipping in to buy the car (it's only $3,300). I told her I thought the car was a great deal, that it looks like it's in great condition and being a Toyota shouldn't have an issue getting to 200k miles. I told her that I want him to get the car, and if I need to put money in for him to do that just let me know an amount, BUT, I would prefer to help him customize the car to make it his.. Tint, Rims, Stereo, paint, etc.. I'd much rather buy the parts and work on his car with him, than just put money in a pot. that was the end of the conversation.
Other than that conversation a few days ago, we have only text about taxes, and son, maybe 30 texts total in the last 5 months. I'm good with that, I have no desire to talk to her or hear from her at all...
As for me, I'm doing really well. I moved to NC from FL a little over 2 months ago and so far I feel that I was born to live in NC. I enjoy all the adventures I go on almost everyday, I was born and raised in the city, and nothing excites me more than to find a dirt road through woods and terrain, I love to fish and am always exploring to find that out of the way spot.
I went back to FL last weekend to see family and son, it was the first time I had been back, and although it was great seeing my family, I found I didn't miss the area at all.
When I moved out of FL, I was not Happy, I was working in the same office with my STBX, I was living in a small studio apartment (nice but small) and no longer felt like I had a "Home"; so when I left I wasn't really sad about leaving family or anything, I just wanted to GO. Now I feel like I have a Home in NC, I love where I live, I enjoy my new workplace, I have shed pretty much all the stress in my life and just get to do me, I can now say I AM HAPPY. So this time when I left FL to head home, I felt sad... I had enjoyed staying at moms house with brother, waking up having coffee and breakfast together, and the late night talks before bed. There is no doubt I'm not moving back to FL anytime soon, but I'd love nothing more than for my family to move up here
The mind movies, as someone on here used to refer to them... When I moved to NC, everything about my sitch disappeared, I didn't think about it, I just went about living my life. It was a nice break, not to have to think about anything to do with my STBX, my old life, nothing. That lasted about a month and a half, then the mind movies came back one night. I'm not sure why, or what triggered them, but I had not been feeling well, then one night the thoughts just kept running through my head, couldn't sleep that night, and called out of work in the morning since I was sooo tired and not feeling well to boot. I shed no tears (other than saying by to my son to come back home), I don't miss her and wouldn't want her back, I've managed to forgive her and lost the anger, so I really don't know why those thoughts run through my head every now and then.
That's it about me, I've rambled on enough about me...
It's great to hear from you, Coconut. Your new life sounds wonderful.
As for why the mind movies come and go.......IDK. I wonder if it's like having a strange dream. We wake up and wonder why the heck we would have such a crazy dream.
Maybe nothing triggered your mind movie. You experienced trauma and your mind has those images. You have been able to leave the location where it took place. Unfortunately, our mind and bad memories don't always cooperate. Going back to visit your family and the business texts with STBX may have stirred those bad memories.
You know that old four letter word that is used the most on the board.........TIME. I don't know that time really heals everything, but maybe the trauma isn't in the front seat of our everyday life like it was when it was still fresh.
(( hugs))
C-nut, buddy ol pal, I am glad you still stop by and update :-) It sounds like you are doing well. I am happy to hear that. Please continue to keep us posted. You have come so, so far, and in a short amount of time. The journey continues with or without her, right?
Blu
Hi Coconut
Nice to see a name from when I was last on here, sounds like life is getting better for you, sending you strength and a big hug ()
You gave me value support during my darkest days
Blu, the journey started when I lost her... unfortunately during our M, I somehow lost my drive for adventure, I got caught up in a routine and lost the fun in my life... I hate to say it, but my R with her has left a bad taste in my mouth about starting a new R.
I've had 3 females I've met at various functions (at work, a bday party and back yard barbecue) express interest in me to mutual friends, but I have zero interest in finding a R right now... it's funny, still being M is actually coming in useful as an excuse to not wanting to date, but the truth is I'm not done finding myself.
I know the fast pace I'm going right now, as far as adventures and fun go, cant be kept up forever, but dang it's nice to just get up and go at the drop of a hat. For example, I got home Friday night around 10pm, decided that I wanted to go fishing at a lake in the morning at daybreak, but the lake was about an hour away, so instead of having to wake up really early I packed up and headed to the lake that night and just camped near the boat ramp... it's really hard to do things like that in a relationship, and I'm not ready to give up that freedom... or maybe I'm just holding out until I run into a woman who enjoys living the same way, lol..
... or maybe I'm just holding out until I run into a woman who enjoys living the same way, lol...
Maybe I could throw on a dress and some lipstick and meet you down by the lake?
hey doodler, it's good to see you still got jokes... you still tinkering around the house? did those columns in the front ever get painted?
so I came back to post because I was reading through another thread, and the person had put a lot of emphasis on the fact that it was the one year anniversary of BD in his sitch..
I then had to look at my signature to see my date.. it made me realize how far i've really come, it's not a significant event in my life... sure it's essentially when my M ended, but the BD itself is not significant enough to me to remember the date. There was a time when I would have used that date to text her and try and make her feel guilty about what she's done, when I hurt so I wanted her to hurt.. Man I've come a long way...
hey doodler, it's good to see you still got jokes... you still tinkering around the house? did those columns in the front ever get painted?
Coconut,
That wasn't a joke.
Yes, I'm still doing all sorts of stuff to my house. And yes, I did paint the columns last summer. The painted the main part of the columns tone-on-tone champagne (light gold) and the pedestal and the top part (whatever it's called) is painted statuary bronze with gold accent. My sons call the house "the castle" although it's hardly a castle.
My youngest son and I also built a go-kart. That was an awesome project, and he has a parking spot in the garage.
With regard to BD, I don't really keep track of dates and I'm not sure of the date of my BD. But, I still have a hankering to repay the OM is some special way. Soon, I'll be attending and annual series of events that occurs every Thursday evening for about six weeks. The OM is usually there too. Just prior to the event, via Amazon, I'll be sending the OM a gift of a douchebag and a tube of Vagisil along with a special note telling him how much I appreciate him. I don't think that's DB, but it's going to be a fun summer for sure.
C-nut,
You HAVE come a long way, and at lightning speed. I have always been drawn to your thread. You started posting soon after I did, and I remember reading your stuff in the beginning. You were all over the map (love you tho) and everyone would throw giant 2*4s at you left and right. lol.
But you, YOU, took them in stride. Your ego kept creeping in--you tried to fight it--but you were still able to take in the advice and self-reflect. You kept pulling yourself up by the boot straps and then you would keep on trying. It is very admirable and inspiring from this side of the computer. I hope you know that.
And look where you are now? You have been able to look at your sitch from different angles, try and be a better man, and then ultimately you are able to make changes in your life that move you forward. It's pretty awesome!
Blu
I posted this on BluWave's thread, and wanted to copy it hear as a update.
That's the crux of it all, trying to find that innocence that once existed. I will just share my place on the otherside (not piecing). Just to recap my story, I realized one night, my WW had distanced herself from me, I spent the next month trying to fix things. Month later BD, emotional A with kissing, I saw texts. Spent the next 2 months with her saying she was committed to M, but couldn't go NC due to both being volunteers at Fire dept. 2 months after BD I found out still in contact and that a mutual friend wanted to go out with Ww and meet this OM, I was done at that point, took 2 more months to sell the house and S. 4 months after that I moved out of state, haven't spoken since...
Is it better than the daily struggle of trying to piece, I dunno, but is a hell of a lot easier than in house separation.. I'm doing good, I worked the hell out of GAL, and now do lots of things that I love, but those could be done even if I was still with ex. Not having to work through issues with the WS is great, but sometimes during the downtime the house is too quiet, too much being alone. I miss the good times, feel hurt/anger when I replay specific conversations or acts of betrayal during our sitch, but I don't have any memory (it never happened) of remorse, I never got an apology, she never said she would do whatever she could to make us work.
In all, I think moving on is an easier path, you get to focus on self and only have to work on you, not on self and couple... But I think I would of preferred seeing/hearing remorse and trying to come together to build something going forward...
I guess my point is neither path is easy, both have their challenges, but knowing that WS regrets what they did would be my most sought after reward for having to suffer through either path.
I also think being ready to open up to someone new, and starting a new R will improve many of the "bad" times I experience, but I'm just not at that point yet, and not willing to rush it.
I miss the good times, feel hurt/anger when I replay specific conversations or acts of betrayal during our sitch.
I want to expand on this a little.
I moved out of state almost 4 months ago, and it was bliss. I didn't have to drive by places that reminded me of her, I was 700 miles away from her and didn't have to worry about running into her when I went out, I had the ability to just go explore my new area and do what I wanted..
that lasted about 2 months, I know realize that moving didn't erase everything like it felt, it just covered it up for a little while (which was a nice break :), but over the last couple of months my mind occasionally wanders. I still have to work through some of my feelings.
I think of the good times, the excruciatingly bad times, and just what was lost in general. BUT, at just over 1 year since the first sign of anything wrong, I can think of these things without much emotion, there's a little sadness but not much, certainly nothing debilitating like when everything was fresh.
However, two days ago I got the urge to again research D in FL. I had started filling out the paperwork back in January or so, but got caught up in filling out the financial documents, for some reason I was just having a difficult time trying to get it all down, and I also had no interest in contacting her to get her information, so I put it aside. Well, 2 days ago I found information on a "simplified" divorce that FL has, basically all you have to do is complete a 2 page form, mostly fill in the blank, and both parties sign that the divorce is irreparable.. and you can even state that all assets and debt have been divided and we wish to keep it private, so you don't even have to fill out the financial information.
so I thought to myself, well, since it's this easy, I might as well get it done. Starting reading the process, and it stated that both parties "MUST" attend court together once and affirm that the marriage is irreparable.. hmmm, starting thinking about standing up in court and saying that the M has failed and can't be saved was a little more than I could handle, and the tears flowed.
Well, I'll be danged, where is this coming from I asked myself.. If my STBXW came to me and said that she wanted to give it another shot, I really, really, really don't think I would be willing to do that. I would say I wouldn't give it a second thought, cause that's how I feel now, but I realize feelings may change when really given the option. Who knows, maybe I just want to feel that way now since I don't really have any other option, and it's my minds way of protecting me. But honestly, I love the idea of the getting back with the W I remember, but that's not who she is, and she never will be again. I don't even know her anymore.
so for now, the 2 page easy to fill out petition for divorce sits on my bookcase until I can wrap my head around saying those words in court.
it stated that both parties "MUST" attend court together once and affirm that the marriage is irreparable.. hmmm, starting thinking about standing up in court and saying that the M has failed and can't be saved was a little more than I could handle, and the tears flowed.
This is what i had to do. It was easy to be honest to get up there and say it. Still scar-ed me though. Like having a hole burned into your soul, i had to listen to her say she tried to make it work.
Like you i knew there was no way back, she was not interested, and even if she did shes not willing to do what it takes. She doesnt care enough about you or the R to do any lasting work.
Im not saying do it, you can just continue on as you are now until it gets there. It doesn't change your situation one bit.
Hey coconut, so much of what you say above resonates with me. We got here about the same time with some similar issues. It's been an absolutely brutal journey to this point, but hell, we've both survived man. I can see how putting distance bt you and your W would mask, but not relieve the hurt. The wounds are just way too deep for that to fully be the solution.
I'm about a week away from w and I moving into separate places. The in house S thing has left scars on my soul, but it's also made me stronger than I thought I could ever be. I know from watching your journey that you've built immense strength as well and for that you should be extremely proud.
But with that said, we have to realize we are still vulnerable. There are parts of us that still freaking care, even if we've buried them deep down inside. So, it's ok to feel the hurt sometimes. It's ok to recognize and accept that htis crap that was thrust upon us (some of our own doing) [censored]. In fact, I think that's completely healthy. You have to experience it, process it, then let it go.
I suspect that's what will happen with the 2 page divorce paper. It will sit there for a bit and the pain will come and go when you see it. But I would guess that one day you'll look at it, realize you've let go of the past, and will sit down and hammer it out. You'll see W for the court date and again you'll feel the pain, but when it's all finished and you get back to your new home you'll feel like a prisoner that was just freed from jail. It'll just take time for you to take those final steps.
I also know how it feels to get no remorse for Ws actions. I've expressed remorse and apology for my faults but have gotten none in return. It's frustrating and maddening and not fair. But, that's the path our Ws have chosen. We can't control that choice and we shouldn't let that control us. Like you, im at a point where I say when we are S I am done. I've fought too long and too hard without any effort on my Ws part to fix this to allow that second chance. Call it closed minded or callous, but I just don't ever see myself offering her that hand again to stand out M back up. She's made her choices and is getting her freedom, I need mine. So I completely get your thoughts there.
Sorry for the rambling thoughts. I see you in a place I'll soon be and I know you'll find your way out of it. I know I'll be able to as well. The strength we've built this past year will make it easier. So hang in there brother. Times are tough, but they are less tough than a year ago. I've no doubt a year from now all of this will be but a memory reflected upon from a much happier place. Keep on your path my friend and stay strong!
LT,
Your strength to stay in a in-house separation astonishes me, the few months I spent in that situation were the worst months of my life. There is some relief that comes without seeing WW on a daily basis, but the quietness can be difficult at times. Having your D over will fix that when she's there.
My suggestion would be to really set your place up how you want, think man cave, it really helps to have your house set up to your liking, and makes it easier to make it feel like a home. I even put my small boat in my living room for awhile, because I could and I enjoyed sitting in it while watching tv and having it inside when I was doing modifications to it.. Make it someplace you enjoy being.
It will take awhile to start feeling at "home", but you will get there.
I think I realized something today, I don't think I've forgiven her.. Sure I don't harbor the amount of anger that I once had; because I don't dwell on that anger, I thought I'd forgiven my ex, but then I saw she liked a post my mom made on FB and it bothered me. I snooped and saw she's on my moms friend list.
I know my mom is friends with her only because of my son, it's her way of keeping up with my son who doesn't use FB. I also know without a doubt my mom, or any family member, would unfriend her if I asked, but I haven't and never would, because of my son.. But I still felt it, the disgust that she was somehow, in someway, still able to "keep up" with my families goings on (I have an awesome family unit).
The funny thing is that I'm still somewhat close to her family, I visit different members when I'm in the area (her mom lives in my new state half the year and her aunt lives here), but I resent the thought of her having anything to do with mine. My next leg of this journey is going to be tough.
Today I thought about the possibility that I need to call her, that I need to take the risk of opening old wounds to be able to move forward, that I need to prove that being "friendly" with her won't discount the hurt I felt in the past, but will reinforce (to me) that I've moved forward, that I'm secure in my new place in life without her.
Grrrr, I hate that I can't erase her from my life, I'm a year out and I'm already dreading that I'll need to see her at my sons graduation. I don't want to feel like that, I shouldn't feel like that, my son deserves more than to have his stepfather (me), biological father, and mother all in separate groups at any special function of his life.
I really need to figure out how to forgive her, because I've begun to realize that avoidance isn't the same as forgiving.
I have been spending more time on this forum, it's always been a goal of mine to spend time here, trying to share my experience with those going through the pain that I once felt, and give them a helping hand.
But coming back has caused me to reflect, and that's ok cause it doesn't hurt like it used to... And I've realized I'm a failure. Other than GAL and being more sociable, I've stopped doing the things that I want to, no, that I need to do to be a better man. I've allowed my self to wallow in self pity, and stopped doing the things that made me proud of who I'd become. It's funny how doing the little things can really give you a since of accomplishment and pride.
So today I woke up and made my bed, I shaved, and I did some things around the house that I've been letting slide.
Today, I'm going to start living for me again, and stop letting the fact that I live alone be a reason to not look my best and overlook things that I would do if someone else was watching.
Coconut,
That's the right attitude to have. My W is stubborn as hell. But several times throughout the week will tell me how good that I am looking. Says that she can tell that I am doing better by going out more without her. And that weight loss, shaving the beard into a goatee and even cutting my hair like back in the early days of our MR has shaved about six years in the looks department.
And if your W isn't impressed, then someone else will be. But just take care of yourself. Because no one else will treat you the way you should be treated like yourself.
I'm just going to put this right here.. this is a text from WW to H after almost 1 year of in house separation post BD.. Folks, you can't nice them out of it..
Try, just for one second, to see it from my perspective. For years and years I begged you to help me with things and you wouldn't and now that it's too late you want to be Mr. Helpful and expect me not to be resentful. For years we didn't speak, at home or by text, and now you start sending me a million texts with jokes and smileys like everything is fine and we're friends. It's infuriating. It feels from my side like such a fake act. Like you're trying to pretend to be nice to me so you can say "See, none of this is my fault". That's how it feels and that's why the more you do it the more it makes me angry. You can't continue to act like everything is fine and expect me not to feel angry?
Hi Coconut, after seeing your helpful posts in other threads I decided to read back in your sitch a bit. It sounds like you're doing really well! I commend you for not jumping into a new R too quickly even though the opportunity has been there. You'll know when you're ready and jumping in too soon can do more harm than good as I discovered myself.
I can relate to the difficulty you mentioned in coming here when your own sitch is still so fresh, I recently came back after being away for years and even after that much time I was surprised at how reading through other sitches really brought back a lot of the pain I went through. It reminds me of how much pain I was in, and also makes me realize how much pain the people here are in. Neither is a pleasant prospect! But if we can help others as others helped us then it's worth the discomfort.
But coming back has caused me to reflect, and that's ok cause it doesn't hurt like it used to... And I've realized I'm a failure. Other than GAL and being more sociable, I've stopped doing the things that I want to, no, that I need to do to be a better man.
I'm a Crossfitter. Sometimes it is brutally hard, and often we're called upon to do things that we simply can't. More than once I've heard someone say "I can't do that, it's impossible for me". There's one coach in particular that always jumps in and says "no, say you can't do that AT THIS TIME!" It may seem like a minor difference, but one statement has no hope while the other does. One implies the situation is fixed, the other that it will change. You are NOT a failure. If you're failing to do something AT THIS TIME then change it! Your life is not static, it's dynamic!
Today, I'm going to start living for me again, and stop letting the fact that I live alone be a reason to not look my best and overlook things that I would do if someone else was watching.
Great! But it's actually OK to be a little complacent now and then, I was flat out exhausted this weekend and I could have spent the entire weekend on projects but instead I slept in late (which I usually don't do) and spent a lazy day yesterday playing a co-op video game with my son. GAL'ing doesn't mean you have to go a million miles an hour ALL the time
C-nut, I agree that inhouse sep is rarely a good idea. I have been thinking about seperation recently and it would not happen under the same roof. I can't. Wouldn't. Won't. There is something to be said about experiencing the reality of being "separated" to know what life would be like after D.
I am glad you are doing well. I wish you the best. If you are not ready to face her or the D process, then perhaps wait. Would it really make a difference in your day to day life?
Ble
C-nut, I agree that inhouse sep is rarely a good idea. I have been thinking about seperation recently and it would not happen under the same roof. I can't. Wouldn't. Won't.
Yeah that rarely works out. I had a talk with W and told her something along the lines of "I would like for you to stay here and work on the M, but I understand that that is not what you want and if you choose to leave I am not going to stand in your way. I support your decision whatever it is." Basically I was "opening the cage door", but I was also putting her on notice that I was not leaving! A few days later she asked to talk, and said "why do I have to be the one to leave"? In an incredible display of composure (LOL!) I calmly said "I am not the one that wants to leave the marriage, and I am not going to leave my home and my family either (at the time all 3 kids were still at home). If you choose to leave then I am not going to interfere with that, but if you would rather stay and work on the marriage then I am willing." Basically I did not give her any other options, it was either "stay and work on the M" or "leave". She said she understood, and pretty soon after she did indeed start her plans to leave. She was gone a few months later, which broke my heart all over again (despite saying that, I really did want her to stay). In retrospect it was for the best, those first few months were possibly the worst of my life but I worked through my grief and rebuilt. The in-house separation sitches I've read always seem to be stuck in a miserable limbo, so I do agree with you that if S is inevitable, it really needs to be a true S and not a symbolic one.
Try, just for one second, to see it from my perspective. For years and years I begged you to help me with things and you wouldn't
Yeah, Michele talks about this in her books but to an H this just looks like nagging. The W thinks she's asking for help, but she's doing it in a way that looks like a personal attack to the H. The H's response is to shut down and block her out. So she tries even harder (IE, yells louder) which just makes him shut down that much more. Eventually she gives up and plans her escape. The H sees the newfound peace as a GOOD sign, things must be better since she stopped complaining! So BD comes as a really rude surprise.
and now that it's too late you want to be Mr. Helpful and expect me not to be resentful. For years we didn't speak, at home or by text, and now you start sending me a million texts with jokes and smileys like everything is fine and we're friends. It's infuriating. It feels from my side like such a fake act.
Right, once BD happens we realize that wow, she really is serious this time! I better do something! And what we do is 100% genuine, we really do want to work hard to save the M and would have before had we known they were serious and not just nagging us. But to them it's "too little too late".
You can't continue to act like everything is fine and expect me not to feel angry?
This is why DB'ing pushes for NC. Because there is literally nothing the LBS can say that won't get a negative spin from the WAS. Say something mean and she thinks "yup, he's still so bitter and angry, I need to leave." Say something nice and she thinks "he's being so fake, just trying tricks to get me back." Silence on the other hand, makes her think "what is he doing? Why did he suddenly go silent? It should make me happy that he's leaving me alone, but why doesn't it?"
I am glad you are doing well. I wish you the best. If you are not ready to face her or the D process, then perhaps wait. Would it really make a difference in your day to day life?
Ble
Thanks Blu, I really am doing well, and the best part, is that I'm finding a new drive to do even better. I've been doing a lot of soul searching.
As for the D, no it wouldn't change my life at all, and I'm not pushing it, I put the papers down and i'll look at them again sometime in the future.
Another thing I didn't mention when I posted about filing, is that I questioned if I was doing it to get a reaction out of her; I didn't like that I even had to wonder. So it will wait for now.
Yesterday, when I was talking to my Son, he apologized for calling me so late, he said he was with his biological father and didn't want to call me from there. Out of curiosity, I asked if now that he has his license (got it a week ago) he was driving up there (it's 45 min away)... He said no, He's getting a divorce and is staying at a hotel, so he just came and picked me up.
that took me aback, and after hanging up I started really thinking about my sons side of the family.
His Bio-Father had an A on his mother (gf) when she was pregnant with him, they got back together and a year later were going to get married, the day before the wedding she called it off.
He grew up with me and his mother (from 6 yrs old until almost 17), his mother had an A, then he watched us separate (and I think he knows she had an affair).
His Bio-Father married the lady he had the A with (he doesn't know that) about 3 years ago and is now getting divorced.
Both sets of Grandparents divorced and remarried. (my W's and his bio-fathers)
on my side of the family, my Mom is the only one that has ever divorced, she was abused by my biological father and left him when I was 3. She married my father when I was 6.
No one else on my side of the family has ever divorced, I'm including 3 cousins that married by 19 (all around 20 years ago), my younger sister who's been married 15 years, and a few uncles and cousins that I know of but live out of state.
We've always included names when discussing his grandparents because he has 3 grandmas, 3 grandpas and 4 step grandparents, but I never really thought about the fact that he's never really had a lifetime commitment in his life. I wonder if that will affect his understanding of what a M is / should be.
Regarding limerence, I'm going to share a few stories I am very familiar with showing vastly different outcomes.
1. I just shared this one in the above post but my brother's W had an affair and left him. He didn't pursue, he was a good DB'er but came about it naturally. 8 years later he's still single and she's still living with OM.
2. A neighbor of mine's W left him suddenly and unexpectedly. She too had an affair although I've never been sure whether it was a PA or EA. She went out and got a tattoo that said "finally I'm free" in Latin with a butterfly, LOL! She was one of my W's enablers when W left me. 6 months later she was right back with her H and they've been together ever since (about 5 years since that happened).
3. My W had an EA that after our separation turned PA. Their limerence ran it's course in about a year and they quit dating although they still remain casual friends. She has never attempted a reconciliation, she's content to live alone and date now and then.
4. My W's best friend left her H around the same time W left me. She wasn't in an A at the time, she was just fed up with him. She did the typical WAS stuff- new clothes, lost a lot of weight, improved her hair and makeup. After they separated she started dating. She settled on a particular guy and 5 years later is still with him and is now divorced. She never tried to reconcile with her XH.
5. My mom left my dad when I was a young teen, she had gone back to work to help out the family and got caught up in new relationships and possibilities. She had an A, and eventually left. I'm not sure how much time went by, I think it was about 6 months but the A fizzled and she tried briefly to get back with my dad, but she decided she couldn't do it and started another R, then another, then another. The last one stuck and she's been with him ever since, about 40 years now.
Which of these patterns will your W follow? YOU DON'T KNOW, that's the whole point. She could be exactly like any one of these scenarios, or maybe something different than all of these. It's impossible to say.
Copied this post from AnotherStander on another thread.
For no other reason than to say that as I read through these, I realized that I would not be able to add my own sitch to his list. I simply have no idea what the WW did after I was done with the M.
I really don't have any idea what happened with WW and AP, I don't know if WW has dated anyone else (would it still be considered an A since we're mutually agreed separation?). Heck, I don't even know if she lives with anyone else (I've never asked my son and he has never said). Until I read AnotherStanders post, I never really gave it any thought.
I don't think we have had a relationship talk since late July 2016 (when I found out she was still texting/talking to OM) and I enforced my boundary. Most texts since then have only been about selling house, son and taxes. Except for about a 1 month period of disappointment in my life, when I would lay into her by texting the meanest, cruelest things I could think of to say (Thanksgiving, my sons / wifes /& my b-day and xmas are all within 1 month of each other and I was crushed during that timeframe).
My mom saw that hate in me and stepped in to help me move past it, "Your only allowing her to control you by harboring so much hate" she said.. I immediately stopped texting, I think that was in mid Jan. Only texts since then were 1 or 2 texts at a time, maybe once a month, and only about son and taxes.
So I'd love him back healthy and having dealt with his struggles with women (which came from his dysfunction mother, who seems to be a narcissist and made him into her emotional partner)
cadence, I would love to get your thoughts on this as one of my biggest issues in my M was that my W did this with my son, or at least I believed it to be so, and would love to understand it further. But to not take over your thread, discuss it on my thread. i'll put some information on my particular scenario in my sitch soon.
I started noticing it from little things, like when I wanted to go out to eat, I would ask her if she wanted to go to X restaurant, she would she doesn’t care, then ask S if he wanted to go and he would say no, she’d ask him where he wanted to go then say let’s go there. It wasn’t long before I started to realize that it wasn’t just every now and then, it was almost every time I would suggest going out, unless son did want to go there.
Then there were times we would be out doing things with family, and for whatever reason split up into different groups, and W would go wherever S went. There were times that I would tell her that I would like her to come with me and sometimes she would, but there would be attitude that came along too.
If out at a movie with W and S, she would generally sit in the middle and she would consistently lean towards him and make comments about the movie, and when I would make one to her she would just lean to son and say it to him.
I know these are little things, but I’m having a hard time explaining how/why I began to feel that my wife was more emotionally connected to my S than to me. There were several times that I sat her down and explained to her that I felt she was putting love for son ahead of me and that it was very frustrating to me… That I loved son too, but I didn’t think she should focus on him to the point it was to my detriment. And these conversations were during good times of our M, I didn’t feel neglected in our M as a whole, but I felt it when doing things with son (like his desires were more important than mine, or even hers).
Towards the end of our M (when things got complacent in M), I actually said to her that I guess I just have to wait until son goes away to college to get my W back, because by that time I just couldn’t compete with him for her attention… Nothing against my son, he wasn't competing with me, most of the time he wouldn’t even like all the attention she would give him, but I feel like she had used him as her emotional partner.
Is turning children into emotional partners a thing? Is there a name for it, or any resources that you would know of that I could read into it? I realize my examples are weak and not so unnormal, but I DO know that I felt like my W was emotionally attached to my S and not me.. and not sure if it's pertinent, but I strongly believe she's Narcissistic, she turns everything about her, even my sons diabetes.
I know these are little things, but I’m having a hard time explaining how/why I began to feel that my wife was more emotionally connected to my S than to me. There were several times that I sat her down and explained to her that I felt she was putting love for son ahead of me and that it was very frustrating to me…
I did this. I always put D first. I felt like I was supposed to. Everything I did was D first, W second, and me last, if at all. W says she did the same (though I'm not convinced of that).
D's not my emotional partner by any stretch, but I thought I was honoring our marriage by putting D first. I didn't understand the negative consequences of that until it was too late. I really didn't understand the negative consequences of "not caring about me" until it was too late, either.
The kicker is how to not put D first in a relationship with someone who isn't her mother. The dynamics there are a bit different. Single dad first, everything else second place. I'm guessing from what you're saying here that THAT isn't going to work, either.
Where's the balance? Since you've lived it, and it was an issue for you, what's the "right thing" look like?
Hi Coconut.
Hmm. Yes, making kids into emotional partners is A Thing. It's actually pretty common, but mostly amongst parents who have already divorced from one another and/or were always single parents. It's most common with mothers and sons and fathers and daughters. My H did this a little with his teenage daughter until I pointed it out to him. It largely stopped, until before BD when he was triggered into some sort of emotional regression.
I can't link you to materials due to DB policy of not promoting other materials, but typing the following into a search engine comes up with several helpful results: parents turning opposite sex child into emotional companion.
There's an icky term for it: emotional incest. Usually the parents who turn their kid into their partner have issues, like a personality disorder.
I did this. I always put D first. I felt like I was supposed to. Everything I did was D first, W second, and me last, if at all. W says she did the same (though I'm not convinced of that).
D's not my emotional partner by any stretch, but I thought I was honoring our marriage by putting D first. I didn't understand the negative consequences of that until it was too late. I really didn't understand the negative consequences of "not caring about me" until it was too late, either.
The kicker is how to not put D first in a relationship with someone who isn't her mother. The dynamics there are a bit different. Single dad first, everything else second place. I'm guessing from what you're saying here that THAT isn't going to work, either.
Hi East, You've heard plenty of me today, huh? I'm here because Coconut asked for my advice, given that my H was a product of his mom making him into her partner and elevating him above her husband (but she also made H into a family scapegoat. It was all very twisted.)
This is my personal opinion, but I believe that modern parents have, well, lost their minds with this idea that children can be central to their families and that they can neglect their spouse because the spouse will still be there when the kid(s) are grown. There's also this idea that losing your identity to be no more than "parent" means you're a good parent to your kid, but I'd argue otherwise.
Neglecting a spouse in favor of kids is going to erode connection with your spouse. And making children the central focus of families tends to create kids who are entitled and somewhat helpless.
Don't get me wrong. I know children need to be loved and made to feel emotionally safe. But one major item that makes them feel safe is a stable home life with happy parents who are connected to one another. With that in mind, I wonder if the self-sacrificing child-centric parent understands that putting their kid first doesn't actually put their kid first because it is also eroding a major source of stability for those kids?
As for putting your daughter first when/if you repartner with a new woman, I can weigh in on that one too as a stepparent. Do it at your own risk. Honestly, if you give validity to the idea that you need to protect your child from a woman you supposedly love and think highly of, then you're not ready for another relationship. If you've chosen wisely and gone slowly, to allow your daughter to adjust (even if she's not thrilled, because who is thrilled to have divorced parents and a new adult in their life?) then there is no competition and no threat.
Keep kids as kids. Making them into little adults is too much pressure for them. They're not capable of being an adult decision maker because they aren't an adult decision maker. Literally, their brains are still forming. They aren't mature. They are adorable little bundles of immaturity and self-centeredness because they are kids with kid brains. That's why they need adults to be adults. They're helpless and lack experience!
What they need is to be allowed the innocence of a childhood (making them your companion or central to your life robs them of this) and to see their parent happy and fulfilled. Watching hwo a healthy relationship works - which does not involve de-prioritizing the adult person you love to be at a lesser rank than a child - is good for them and they get the best chance of finding one for themselves one day.
So, people who are putting your kids "first", are you really doing that when you break it down like I have above? Or is it really all about your own insecurities...?
Forgot to mention, Coco, it's likely that your son will need counseling, no matter what happens with your M.
What your W is doing to him is robbing him of the innocence to emotionally be a child. He's her caretaker. He's her partner. And he is in no way capable to handle these things.
If he doesn't get help for it, he'll grow up and find another woman to caretake, and the likelihood that a woman who will be looking for a man to caretake her emotions is not a healthy person is 100%.
This is a very interesting topic. I remember when I ws pregnant my asked me to promise him I would not love our child more than him. I told him I couldn't do that. I told him the love I have for him and for our child are two very different kind of loves. We only were together for the first 6 months of our daughters life, when she was completely dependent on us, but I always made sure I treated him as a husband (little did I know he was cheating on me since I was pregnant). My ex remarried his OW at 31 and she is 5 years older and wanted kids, but he did not. And I know why he did not. The full-time parenting gig would mean that he would have to share his wife all the time. Although I wasn't a helicopter parent in that 6 months, I know he was fearful of the having the same woman who is the mother of his child as his wife. He is a needy individual. So, he's got it just as he wants it now. I am pretty sure that's a part of the reason he engaged in an affair.
I have been single for 9 years. I introduced my daughter to only 2 men and that has been in the last year and a half. The first one it wasn't an issue because it was a LDR and we were all only together once, the three of us the weekend they met, once for a weekend when his daughter was there too, and then again when the 4 of us went on vacation together.
I have been in IC for 2 years mostly to help me manage post D relationships. I was recently with a guy for 3 months, and she knew my exBF before we began dating, because I attended the gym class he did and my D9 came. So we couldn't hide our R. I feel I did a very good job of balancing the two. But it was certainly an adjustment to have a man in our home spending time with us and often. One who is not a parent himself. She adored him and he got along well with her. My D9 is welcoming to men in my life because it's been just the two of us for so long, she really enjoys it. But I know how it hurts her when one leaves, so there is certainly no revolving door. Also, we had one parenting disagreement. My D9 is a good kid, but when she goes to bed, she has to call down a few times to "make sure I didn't leave" She will get out of bed to make sure I am still there. he couldn't understand why I tolerated it. He also wasn't a parent. My daughter has been going between two homes her whole life which is pretty difficult. If she needs some reassurance to feel safe, I give it to her. Something he just couldn't understand.
It's been me and my D9 for so long, we do have a different relationship. And she is an emotional partner in ways. She brings a light to my life, I comfort her, and she comforts me. I was extremely mindful though of her not being the center of everything while also not being neglected or excluded. When he broke up with me I was very hurt. I found myself being hurt because of the loss of him and I. I was hurt for my D because she was hurt too, but when we had the convos while breaking up, I took mind even then to make it about us and not about her. (he was 9 years younger than me, and when we got serious he realized kids of his own are a must, and when he would be ready, I would be too old).
It's good you spoke up. I would hope a partner would do the same for me in a loving way, because I might not be realizing what I am doing because reality is, its been just me and her since she was a baby, and yes, she has been the center of my universe for that reason.
Hope that made sense. Dating a single parent as well as dating as a single parent has its own challenges. Heck, being a parent, especially in this society, one very unlike our parents raised us in is challenging!
The kicker is how to not put D first in a relationship with someone who isn't her mother. The dynamics there are a bit different. Single dad first, everything else second place. I'm guessing from what you're saying here that THAT isn't going to work, either.
Where's the balance? Since you've lived it, and it was an issue for you, what's the "right thing" look like?
East, a balance is tough to find. But some highlights of what bothered me were:
My primary Love Language is acts of service. When first Married, my Wife started laying out work clothes in the morning for me to wear, it was a small gesture but I loved loved loved it, I had never had anyone do that for me, I let my wife know how much I loved it. About 2 months later, it stopped, but everyday she still laid out my sons clothes. I wasn’t devastated at the time, but I missed it, and brought it up twice several years apart during our M, but didn’t have the tools to understand why it bothered me or how to communicate that with her.
Early in our M, W would do the laundry, mine, hers and sons. In fact a few times I would do some laundry and was asked not to with attitude because apparently I don’t know how to do it correctly (I only turned whites pink once in my entire life). Slowly, my laundry was getting done less and less, my sons was still getting done weekly but that was it. My W is a bit of a shopaholic, so she could go over a month without laundry, but I have a weeks worth at most, and I found myself conflicted of doing the laundry myself and getting chastised or just re-wearing some clothes. After BD, she actually said she always did my laundry every week and I think she actually believed it.
One thing that worked well for us is that since my son was so young when we got together, and he started calling me dad on his own, we were equal parents in our eyes, so I didn’t have a problem with her “siding” with him in stupid arguments, but I would not suggest siding against W unless you really need to put your foot down.
I guess my thoughts overall are that kids are not the rulers of the family, you protect them, make them feel loved and make them feel safe, but not letting them get their way doesn’t mean you’re not doing any of the above.
There's also this idea that losing your identity to be no more than "parent" means you're a good parent to your kid, but I'd argue otherwise.
Neglecting a spouse in favor of kids is going to erode connection with your spouse. And making children the central focus of families tends to create kids who are entitled and somewhat helpless.
I completely agree, my W spoiled our son and do EVERYTHING for him, if I would ask him a question, she would answer it. If I asked him to make a decision on something, she would make it for him. He became very unmotivated, to the point where he wouldn’t mention a project due for school until the day before it was due, and W would stay up all night to do it for him. I went to bed because my stance was that he can take the F, get grounded and learn that he needs to take care of his responsibilities. He’s a great kid, just finished 11th grade and he was Athlete of year at his school, 4.8 GPA, he’s taken 1 or 2 College courses a year all the way through highschool and has a good social life. But he puts everything off and then stresses last minute because he didn’t do what he was supposed to.
Thank you for posting Cadence.
It's good you spoke up. I would hope a partner would do the same for me in a loving way, because I might not be realizing what I am doing because reality is, its been just me and her since she was a baby, and yes, she has been the center of my universe for that reason.
Ginger, it is good I spoke up, looking back I realize that I had a pretty good grasp on what was bothering in my M, I just didn’t know how bad allowing those things fester was, and I didn’t have to tools to really be able to communicate them to my W.
Loving your child to death and showering them with “Love” isn’t the same as allowing them to control the family. You just have to be careful you’re not spoiling them with your “Love”. My way to show my love for my son was to turn life events into “Life Lessons”, consequences, how to deal with altercations, doing things you don’t want for the sake of others, and most recently relationship advice.
He told me a couple of weeks that advice I gave him when him and his first gf broke up was the best advise he’s ever heard. I told him that it is common to be infatuated with a new gf, you want nothing more than to be with them and get more and more of them. The problem is, that in only spending time with that other person, you lose yourself, and when the infatuation wears off you are no longer the person they were attracted to in the first place.. The happiest relationships are those where each person is happy on their own, then they come together to share in each other’s happiness, but to do that you have to also spend time apart.
Yes, this is a thing. When my mother was disconnected from my father, she would spend more time with me and confide in me and use me for emotional support in a way that is not healthy between a parent and a child. This is what adult friends and relatives are for!
So it's been almost a year since any kind of R talk, I an drinking tonight and text my WW, "I've been thinking about you lately, maybe because sons coming up to visit, but are you OK? You happy?"
I can honestly say I have no idea what the response will be, or if she will respond, but it's been awhile since we've spoke, and I'm curious how she'll respond..
Coconut,
I'm curious to hear how this goes to be honest.
Tread,
I don't think you know my sitch, but I didn't DB well, I wasn't able to detach and I got angry. I insulted my WW, I slashed her tires and kicked in 3 doors, so I don't expect I'll ever be reuniting. But what I do want is to be able to be civil, so this is kinda starting to open up a communication channel with her on a personal level.
As for the text, she responded after an hour with- "thank you. No, I'm not at all but I'm just trying to figure it all out".
Then she started texting about an issue with my son.
So didn't make much headway there, although she did respond, she didn't reply with the customary, how about you, so no idle conversation. I'm not sure what she's trying to figure out, or if she's just trying to express misery because she thinks that's what I was hoping to hear... Who knows, a year later and my mind reading skills still aren't up to par.
So she texted me Sat morning that there's a medical issue with son and he's not taking seriously, she'd like me to talk to him and would like to talk to discuss. I text 'd that's fine, just let me know when. Sat morning she text "I'll call you in a little bit if you have some time", I replied "yeah, that's fine"... It's now 36 hrs later and still no call, so not sure what she considers a little bit, lol.. Fact is I know it has to do with hm eating gluten when he can't, so I don't care if she calls or not, just amazes me she would say a little bit and then never call.. Good thing I don't care anymore.
Now, the reason for my post is the following quote... Wow, that's how you do it:
It's never over until it's fully over, I learned it from sports and medicine, and I taught it to my kids.
3 years ago, my H was in full EA with one of my dear friend, but I was not aware of it, only that he was very angry at me, snapping all the time, and withdrawing more and more from all of us, we were walking on egg shells, nothing I tried was working. 2 years ago, I became aware of his cheating (by snooping/tracking) with my dear friend, their EA was now a full PA, she was his soulmate, the love of his life, full limerence, I caught them in the parking lot of the hotel where they met, I took pictures. They swore they were done, I believed them, his behavior was still strange the following months so I became suspicious again. 18 months ago, I caught/recorded a conversation where they were talking about living together and moving far away, she was pushing him to file "I am ready to leave my husband and my kids right now, when are you going to leave her?". I exposed them to a few people. I told her I was going to make sure her kids listen to her words... she panicked and stopped everything. He couldn't' stand the withdrawal from her (addictive effects of limerence) so he went straight to another one to soothe himself and trying to recreate the feeling, that OW2 had been looking for him for a few months (golddigger ), I caught him (I was not a fool anymore) and told him that I called previous OW (the soulmate) to let her know she had been replaced and offered to show her proofs (I really enjoyed making that call), he was furious, I cut any return possible to her (she was pissed beyond imagination...). He was left with his stupidity and the damages he had done, it was a wake up call.
I was beyond hurt, distressed and disgusted. I detached and told him I was done (kept my dignity and didn't use any fool or nasty words), I took care of myself and the kids, started a few GAL activities, the full DB, something happened in him, he understood I was done for real, I was not pursuing him in any way to the contrary, no R talks, I set up boundaries. He realized he was losing his family/kids/dignity, he asked for another chance, I gave him my conditions if he wanted to stay at home, I did it mainly for the kids (I was really done) but he couldn't touch me or come close to me, he had to follow some rules (no more OW, no flirty behavior, no messages to any W, no lunch/dinner/coffee with anybody with a vagina, being an open book, wearing his wedding ring all the time, taking STD tests...).
Piecing has been a long frustrating process for both, he went into withdrawal, depression then ambivalence (I am the one who is still ambivalent but he doesn't know, I still don't trust him, I will be be a fool if I was, but I don't obsess about it, I just enjoy to have a peaceful life with no more roller coaster and a changed husband).
He changed drastically in 1 year and I changed too, I am much more independent, I am still detached, the more I detached and was friendly the more he changed in a positive way, also I know I can be happy without him.
During that time, the anger and the frustration started to hit me hard, I almost filed 2 times, I enjoyed a few bottles of wine... had a few laughs when I told him he could be the laughing stock among his friend with his 25 year old OW2, the way they are making fun of one of their friends marrying a woman 20 years younger than him, he didn't take it very well but I really needed that little revenge of mine.
Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that light is your new life, the NEW YOU, it's not only about having him back or not, it's more about rebuilding your self confidence and the trust you have in yourself. I am not the same, that journey changed me, I hate what happened to me but I love the NEW ME, it gave me strength and I did a few things that stunned my H, he thought I was weak... I proved him wrong. He thinks now that I have super powers, he is convinced I can hack whatever I want... lol, the kids had a good laugh on that one...
Do you have super powers?
Absolutely inspiring... I want to be that guy too. I need to push myself harder to just be better.
TxHubby, thanks. Question: I know you stayed in "limbo" for a long time. Too long, I think you said. At any point did you ever actually "put your foot down" or otherwise confront your WW about the A, or did you simply say nothing, drop the rope, and move on with your life. If the latter, during that whole time, did you just live in the same house with her, effectively ignoring everything (including the A)?
I did. At first she was crying all the time and I was raging. I said if I ever saw OM (neighbor) again I'd probably kill him. Fortunately that AP fled the scene, abandoning his wife and kids, and ran off a few states away to live with his mommy. He was a "good" church-going "Christian" man and couldn't face his guilt.
A big problem is that I said I could forgive her right away. I figured after she got busted and lost her job (they worked together somewhat. His company was their external auditors and she was a department director of finance. They both got fired over the conflict of interest and inappropriate relationship) that she would snap out of this and wanted us. Nope. She stayed in the MLC/WW mindset. I came to find out she was out playing online and had met at least one other person, maybe more.
Anyway, I was very passive about the whole thing. I played the role of patient morbidly depressed hubby. I sat back waiting for her to "come around" and stop hurting me so badly. I gained weight, my career suffered, my health suffered. Our youngest child's grades started to suffer. Nobody was driving the ship anymore. WW was always glued to her devices (phone, iPad), started going out with new friends (divorced women), got really cocky about "growing" and "improving" herself (cheated, lied, got fired, great improvements right?). Strung me along. Treated me like crap.
I found this site and started implementing the principles. I'll be honest, I didn't do every step. Sometimes not all rules apply. I was patient, did nothing, but started to work on me. Improve my life. I was going in half way though. Faking a lot of it. I think she could tell. Not much changed. We drug on for over 2 years and in that third I had an awakening. I had just been prescribed Lisinopril because the doctor said my BP was dangerously high (around 205/140). I've never been on any drugs like that. It snapped me out of my own depressed hubby waiting for his wife to come back to him routine. I said F this. NOBODY is worth me dying over. I joined a gym that day. She actually tried to fuss at me for spending the money without consulting her and I took the opportunity to say I'm going to be doing a lot of things without consulting you.
I walked the walk from there on out and so can each and every one of you here. I did a self evaluation spreadsheet on Excel and graded myself on everything. I was brutally honest and didn't like what I saw. Then I made an action plan on how to improve everything I got a bad grade in. Employee, Father, Physical health, Nutrition, Emotional health, etc. I looked for a therapist that could help me plan my life POST divorce. That was my plan.
After about three months I had lost 20 lbs, dressed way better everywhere I went, got my career back on the right path, spent more time with our DD and improved that relationship, totally ignored my WW and left her to her seedy new life. I wanted no part of it. She had a front row seat to my transformation.
Rarely did I have even a minute to talk to her. I literally stopped caring what she had going on. That was the biggest thing that helped me get healthy. Before I'd see her on her phone or tablet and knew she was talking to other men and it was killing me. Literally. After my change I couldn't care less because I knew she was a sleaze and that the men she was talking to were sleazy. I wanted no part of that in my positive new life.
One night she actually tried to seduce me. That had always worked for her. It caught me off guard but my new self took over the situation and it was like I was a spectator watching me handle this with confidence and strength. I basically said no, I don't think so. I have no idea where you've been or what you're carrying these days. No thanks. That blew her mind that that is what I thought of her but it was the truth. I didn't know what kind of sleazy men she was hooking up with. I'm selective. I don't sleep with tramps. I have too much self-respect for that. That is also the moment I knew I needed to divorce this woman. The woman I used to know and married so many years ago, the great wife, mother, woman of integrity was gone and I wanted nothing to do with this WW type of woman. She was gross.
I filed for D and had her served. Her foolish pride consumed her. Her fancy new life was "great". She didn't me. I guess she thought that would manipulate me but filing wasn't a bluff. I wanted out. She kept up her show for a few months. The D was getting closer and I was ignoring her. Not on purpose but because every day my life was filled with activities. After work I'd go to the gym, go ride my bicycle, go meet with friends. Always something. No time for her. She can live in cheaterville. Her armor started to crack. She would ask me more often where I was going. I was always friendly and never combative. I'd say to work out, meet friends, whatever.
Finally she asked that one time and I said out. She said can I tag along. I said nope. As I was leaving she started sobbing and begged me to talk for a minute. Then she broke down like I've never seen a human being break down. She sobbed on the floor uncontrollably. All her cockiness was gone. All her great new cheater life with all her cheating friends was gone. Come to find out she has regretted her choices for some time but was too stubborn and prideful to admit anything. She even admitted that other women were telling her she was really screwing up and was going to lose a good man and that there would be others beating the door down to replace her. One of her "friends" actually said that she would pursue me if my wife no longer wanted me. Don't think for a second that something like that doesn't make a wayward spouse take notice. It makes you a prize to be won.
After that breakdown everything changed. I didn't really comfort her during it because I told her she has to understand that she was the person I used to care most about in this world, I would walk through the fires of hell for, but she hurt me really bad and I had to detach her from my heart for my own health. I told her I'm sorry she's hurting but I can't allow myself to be sucked back in, that I'm doing much better now, and we should move on, and that I wished her the best.
Needless to say, things changed that day. She started owning her decisions. I think she read this site or maybe Dr. Harley's but she stopped blaming everything else in her life and started looking inward. When the D was about 60 days out she asked if we can delay that, not cancel it. That was simple because our state doesn't have a long term separation required before D. You can D any time you want so I figured what the heck, and had my lawyer table the paperwork.
At this point I became the pursued and she was the pursuer. She was the one always concerned about what I was thinking, where I was going, who I was meeting. The roles had reversed because my new life and new self were way better than hers and she wanted in on it. What made her want in even more was that I was on the fence leaning toward not wanting her to be in on it. I was doing very well by then. I had gotten promoted at work, I was in great shape, and I had really positive rewarding relationships going with old and new friends. I wasn't about to let anything interfere with that. Especially a sleazy cheater. I came to find out she had stopped all that months before when she realized what she had become. She had also dropped her sleazy new friends but was too prideful to tell me. She admitted that sometimes she'd dress up and go see a movie alone just to make me think she was going out partying.
As time passed she transformed into a much better person. Even better than she was before her MLC/WW period when I thought she was amazing then.
I'm not saying that all your wives or hubbies will do this. What worked for me may not work for you. I know sometimes it's prescribed to us to do nothing and wait and see. That almost killed me. My BP was in heart attack/stroke range and I felt horrible all the time. 2 years and change is all I could take of that.
Although it was my wife's choice to "snap out of it" and work on herself, I do think seeing me moving on with a great new life was a huge part of that. I had made myself the most attractive version of me that I had ever been. I whole heartedly suggest that anyone caught in the situation that we all find ourselves in do that. If your career is dead end then get a new one or work on the one you have. I went from dead end developer with no future to the boss in just the last 2 years. If you're out of shape, get in shape. Anyone can do that, it requires no special skills. I hate working out on equipment at the gym so I do yoga, cross-fit, and even zumba on occasion. Sometimes I go swimming. Sometimes I ride my bicycle. I bought a pretty nice hybrid bike. It's good for streets and off road. I have friends and we meetup and ride this long trail in the city where we live. I won't give that up. She's now welcome to join me and she does. For a long time she wasn't welcome.
The point being is that I didn't do anything that any of you can't do. I have no special talents in life. I'm just a regular guy who went through a horrible thing like all of you are. Maybe your M will be saved, maybe it won't.
What I'll testify to is that if you do these things for yourself, you'll be fine either way that comes out. It worked for me and brought my wife out of her MLC. She doesn't talk the talk, she walks the walk. I had told her a year or so ago that I didn't believe one word out of her mouth because she had done nothing but lie for a couple of years so if she wanted any chance at all I'd watch her actions and would have to see real and permanent changes.
It's really not hard. Just become the best version of you that you've ever been. Start a spreadsheet or notebook of the things you think you need to address about yourself. If you smoke then stop today. If you're over weight then start a new diet today. If you drink too much then stop drinking today. If you're out of shape then start doing pushups, crunches, and going for walks today. If your clothes aren't "fresh" then go buy new clothes (not too many if you're going to lose weight but dressing better does make you feel better). Work on all the things that you need to and you won't have time to worry about your walk-away or cheating spouses. You'll have too many good things going on in your life to concern yourself with them.
It may work, it may not. Either way you'll be great. Did I drop the rope? Yes, I did at about 2.5 years in. For me that was too long to wait because it was causing me health issues. I think that limbo time limit is different for all of us. If it's killing you like it was me then drop the rope and move on. Fix yourself.
As for the house, we never separated. Separate rooms after I decided I didn't want her in my life any more. As long as I stayed in our master bedroom and occasionally had sex with her she was able to keep me in the limbo state that was killing me. I fixed that by moving out of that bedroom and turning down her offers of sex. I don't sleep with skanks who meet men online for sex romps.
Hopefully I answered your question and I apologize for rambling on but I'm trying to describe my situation in detail and what worked for me. The data is against all of us. By the time we get here most of us end up divorced. You have to accept that going in and don't let that possibility rule your actions. If that happens, it's ok, you'll survive it. You might be better off.
Anyway, end of ramble. Good luck.
Good catching up on your life, nut. Can't believe how long it's been since I posted here. My posts are delayed by moderation so I could never really engage in a conversation or make a simple edit to my posts so I just gave up.
So dropped my son off at the airport after being here for a week, it is incredible how nice it was just having him around. He's a teenager (17) so he's off in his own world most of the time, but just sitting together watching TV (when we weren't doing things) felt normal. I realized that I'm really happy with my life in NC, but I really do miss being an involved Father.
He did initiate a real heart to heart conversation, we talked about his personal life, he acknowledged lessons I've taught him over time and how he uses that knowledge in his life, then he told me about his R with his mom. He told me that he doesn't have a good R with her, that she acts different around other people, like they have such a great R, but he doesn't feel close to her at all. That when home, they both stay in their rooms, they don't really interact and get into a lot of arguments when talking. It's so bad, he talked to their sensei (they both do karate) and his sensei sat with them both like a intermediary, he said it helped for a couple of weeks, but then went back to the way it was.
He said she's just not the same, that for the last 1 1/2 to 2 years (about BD time) she's different and he's just biding his time till he can move out. It really cemented for me that I just don't want to be with the new her, EVER... It tears me up inside to hear this from him, but luckily he has a great social life and really is well rounded.
It was a very difficult conversation for me, because I really wanted to give him some insight to why she is the way she is, but I don't want to interfere with their R. I just told him that R's, even parent - child, go through cycles, and not to give up on her, take his space, spend time with his friends and my family, and not to harden his heart. He basically followed up with he just can't wait to move out and she is going to fall apart when he does.
My mother also came up with my two nieces for the week, so I went from a full house to an empty house in the span of two hours, they are all gone now and I'm taking today to readjust back to my new normal, so I'm a bit sad right now, but feeling more motivated than ever to be better, my son just inspires me so much.
Georgia, nice to see you, thanks for stopping by.
He said she's just not the same, that for the last 1 1/2 to 2 years (about BD time) she's different and he's just biding his time till he can move out. It really cemented for me that I just don't want to be with the new her, EVER...
This seems silly. Like who knows how you and she will feel in another year and half. Just accept that you dont want to be with her as she is now and leave it at that. You can wake up and make the same decision another day.
Sandi2, if I misunderstood the meaning behind your post in another thread, please let me know and I will do my best to stop "assuming".
Kaizen, I agree, my exclamation of my statement about "never" wanting to be in a MR with her because of the person she is today, was wrong; it should not be assumed that my feelings, or her actions, will remain the same in the future. It was derived from the frustration that I have no legal rights where my son is concerned, and my feeling that she isn't living up to her responsibility as a parent (which I found her being a great mother to be very endearing in the past). Luckily he will be 18 soon, then he will be free and able to follow his own path. Thank you for pointing that out.
Got a call from a friend yesterday, he works at the company I left when I moved to NC (where my W works), he was just calling to catch up and shoot the $h!t a little.. I worked there for 15 years, so I have some close relationships with people there, and I call to say "hi" to someone there about once a week, but my W has never come up in any of my conversations.
Anyway, during yesterdays conversation he fills me in on a bunch of position moves that are occurring, and tells me that my W will be moved into the position that I left, working with him.
As soon as I heard that I knew she is not happy about that, and then he made the statement that it was all supposed to go into effect immediately, but she threw a stink about it so they delayed the moves for 3 months.
That was a whole lot of information for me to basically say this... I had the urge to text her today and let her know that I heard, that I know she doesn't want that position (she's told me in the past), but that I believe she will do great in the position because (add some words of admiration)..
I actually felt sorry for her.. not angry, not longing or love, just sorry that she was getting assigned to a position that I know she didn't want, and I wanted to try and lift her spirits a little.
I didn't contact her, and I won't, but I just thought it was awesome that I felt in a place that I could support her. At this point, I just want to be in a place that I can be around her for my son (at major events in his life), and there was a time that I didn't think I would ever want or be willing to, but now Im thinking that I may be able to let go of the bruised ego and just be there..
Sandi2, if I misunderstood the meaning behind your post in another thread, please let me know and I will do my best to stop "assuming".
This made me go back and look, and somehow I had missed it. So, I did respond on his thread. No, you did not assume anything, and gave a better answer (cause it was short) than I did.
Thanks for having my back.
Ok, I think I need some advice.
I'm going to try and keep the background info short:
I introduced my wife to 2 of my high school friends that are married after we got together. I have known them for almost 30 years, so it was nice when my wife and my friend (female) really hit it off and enjoyed hanging out throughout our M. They weren't "best" friends, but would hang out or talk once a month or so.
Anyway, this friend happened to be the first friend that my W talked to about her A (after I found out about it), and this friend somewhat supported my W relationship with the OM. They would talk about OM and what was going on, she basically gave my WW someone to share that seedy part of her life with.
So it came to a head when I found out that my WW and this friend had concocted a story (that they were going to tell me) of going out together one night, so that they could meet up with OM so my friend could meet him. I heard my WW tell OM that she really wants to meet you.
Anyway, when I found out about this, I pretty much lost it. I tried calling my friend, who didn't answer, then I text her that I couldn't believe she was supporting my W having an affair, and that she really hurt me and I was disappointed in her.
After I text her, she blocked my number on her phone, and unfriended me on all social media, and we never spoke again. Although I've also been friends with her H since highschool, we don't hang out unless it's with other people, and just happens that I haven't seen him, or spoken to him, since that day.
I saw on facebook about 3 days ago that her and her husband moved to my state recently, and happened to move right next to my best friend from high school (the only person I knew when I moved to NC), and all 4 of us where friends back in high school, so they also know each other and hang out.
I go to my buddie's house for Sunday dinner often, his mother (who I also know very well) also goes over and we have a big family dinner. Last night I walked in the house and his youngest daughter tells me that my WW's friend says hello. I kind of just sat there because she used her first name, and I was trying to process if she was talking about her or someone else with the same name, and finally I said that's great, tell her I said hello. At one point the kids went outside and my buddies wife says that she's sorry that she said that, the kids aren't aware of any issues between me and that friend.
I wasn't going to mention anything to my buddy and his wife about what had occurred in the past with this friend, although I don't like the person my friend showed herself to be, I don't carry around any anger towards her and would just be cordial to her.
But when my buddies wife said that, I asked my friend what that was about (as his wife quickly went out back), and what friend had told them. He said nothing really, just that I had had issues with her because she was friends with my W after our S.
So I told my buddie that it wasn't about her simply being friends with my W, it was that she supported something my W was doing that was detrimental to our marriage. then the kids came back in the house and that was all that was said.
Ok, so here's my issue.
I'm pissed... I wasn't going to bring anything up about it at all, was just going to be cordial when she was around and not start drama. But now, she's told them we don't "get along", which is fine with me, but instead of telling them the truth about why, she made it seem that I was upset about something as petty as her picking my wife's "side" after our split.
My instinct is to just lay it out for my buddy so he knows the truth, but I'm still hesitant because I don't want to surround myself with drama, and I also don't want to create drama for my buddy and our other friends (his new neighbors).
Watcha think?
previous thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2714710&page=1real quick status update. My WW and I don't communicate except about son, I haven't seen her since I left my previous job (where she worked) in February and we haven't really talked about R or anything else since... well, honestly I don't remember.
I'm getting close to going ahead and filing for divorce... I know someone's going to say "how would that change your life right now", and I will reply that I wanted to buy a lottery ticket Saturday, but I didn't because the thought of having to give her half (if I won) made me vomit in my mouth.
Anyway, I haven't filled out the paperwork yet, but I've been thinking about doing it more and more often, so I know that indicates i'll be doing it soon.
the above post was supposed to be for a new thread, but I hit new reply instead of new post... OOPS
Anyway, new thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2751400&#Post2751400