Hi All,
This isn't going to be as detailed as it should be because I am on my lunch break but I need to get this out there before I contact WS when I shouldn't.
I have been married 20+ years. In the last couple of years, I have had a few Ddays(all the same OW). 4 months ago, we started with a really good MC and I thought we were finally on the right track. Two weeks ago, I found out that the OW was still in the picture and I kicked him out. He has, apparently, ended it with her but I have no way to be sure. She has been angry and spiteful.
I want to try and work things out with WS provided he start going to IC(I already do) and continues going to MC. We have gone to MC twice in the last two weeks and go again on Thursday but he is now saying that our marriage was terrible and that he is looking at the big picture and not just his affair.
I'm normally the begging, pleading type so I have tried really hard the last couple of days not to contact him and I have been successful. He is extremely conflict avoidant though so I don't know if that is the right approach.
My questions:
Is not contacting him the right way to go? We do have kids but the oldest are no longer speaking with them and the youngest can text him herself. There is really no reason for us to be in contact.
If that is the right way to go, how do I handle MC this week? I am trying to detach but the whole point of MC is not to detach.
How do I respond to "I love you" or "I miss you" texts? I haven't had any in the last few days but earlier in the week I did. Of course, I acted like a needy idiot and scared him off.
How do you deal with the anger?
I desperately want to text him. I have terrible anxiety. PLEASE help me not to. I think I read every thread on the site this weekend. I keep reading Sandi's Rules over and over again and it helps but I miss him.
HELP
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Molly22,
I'm sorry you're here, but from what I've read of your situation, you've done a really good job so far. I'm reluctant to offer advice or answer your questions because I'm not good at divorce busting. But, you'll get a lot of good input on this forum.
Good luck to you!
Thanks so much for the links and the welcome from both of you. I'll go back through the links and make sure I didn't miss anything.
I've recommitted to attending a support group I had previously attended starting tomorrow so hopefully, that will help. I have zero family or friends to lean on so I am finding it difficult to cope. I did, however, call and arrange for an appt with my IC.
I feel like I have lost my will to live.
I have terrible anxiety. PLEASE help me not to. HELP
Just remember, you're a strong woman and you're going to make it through this regardless of the outcome and you'll be a better person no matter what. You've made it this far in life, so you're not going to suddenly fall apart; you can be confident in your abilities to do what needs to be done. Once you realise that everything will be fine regardless of the direction life takes, then you can let go of the fear.
Thanks, doodler.
I feel unloveable. Like there is something horrible about me that caused my WS to cheat. Rationally, I know it's all about him but in my heart, well, that's another thing entirely. I don't feel like things are going to be better. I feel like he has bailed on our family. Hurts a lot.
Ugh. I am not doing well. Not even 48 hours and I broke NC. He posted something on FB about how happy he is and my daughter saw and she was angry. He hasn't contacted the two oldest in weeks. He's conflict avoiding because he doesn't want to face them. My oldest DD is so hurt by it so I texted him which was stupid because it made zero difference.
When am I going to learn my lesson?
I woke up this morning wishing I hadn't.
I start back to my separation and divorce group tonight. I have tremendous anxiety about going but I need to so I will. WS will be in the house with the youngest tonight and I honestly think I don't want to have him in my space right now. Looking through my things. Last weekend, he did my laundry. It's weird.
Molly22,
We all make mistakes when divorce busting; there's no need to fret, just keep going. Right now, I know it feels like you may have screwed everything up permanently, but that's rarely the case. Be easy on yourself.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
WS has to come into the house this evening to see his daughter off for her plans so I am actually putting my laptop in my car.
NC today although he did send myself, my daughter, and my son an email with info to a free magazine offer he had won. I didn't respond.
I am having trouble with the GAL part. I have reconnected with a couple of past friends. I am making sure to eat healthy and take care of myself. However, DD and I have zero funds really and WS only watches her on one evening a week while I have an appointment and Saturdays while I work. I have zero time to myself. What other kind of GAL stuff can I do? DO I continue to let him come into the house?
It's all so confusing.
Molly,
Hang in there sister. I know how bad it hurt. Know THIS: YOU ARE VALUABLE AND WORTHY!!!!!!!
You DESERVE better than this and your WH is unwilling to treat you with the respect you deserve. No one deserves this.
Be strong. Find ANYTHING to do to occupy your time. Spend this time working on yourself. Learn to see that you are valuable and worthy and that you are enough without your WH. Find your confidence and strength.
The following is something I read just yesterday. It was written by a fellow forum member named Pigpen. This is what you need to be doing.
I can sum up the process and advice that helped the most this way, I think I wrote this story out for someone on here but looking at it like this helped me immensely. I call it "The Two Island Theory."
Island 1 had my W, my M, and my old life on it. I LOVED that island, but it wasn't the best place for me. I thought it was when I lived there but I was overlooking a lot of dysfunction. But I was so heavily invested in living there that I was blind to so much. That blindness made me fight and fight and fight to stay living on Island 1. I had made a commitment to be there, had my life energy, my time, and my finances invested there. Leaving there would be excruciating on so many levels I just couldn't do it.
That being said, I had been kicked off that island with BD. When my WAW left, that island was no longer my home (as Cadet says, at BD things are usually done). The more I fought to get back on the island, the more my W wanted me off of it. She had already moved to her own little fantasy island elsewhere so I was fighting to be there alone or to remain in the memory of it. Mostly in the fantasy of the memory of it. The glorification of it. My mind would play all kinds of tricks with me, changing memories to only reflect the positive, having me use any and every interaction with my W to secretly try to trick her back onto Island 1. And the pain, oh the pain of not being there with her drove me nearly crazy. I NEEDED to be back there with her, at least the old me did.
Buuuuut. When I came on here, the advice was "The only way to get back with your W is to walk completely away from Island 1. To do this, you have to do it down to your core, not just do it in name, but to live it, to breathe it, to fight day in and day out to authentically walk away from it." That's some impossible chit to do, but I had to do it. We all do.
I did it by creating Island #2. That was an entirely new life for me. Sobriety, men's groups, a change of my business, meditation, getting back to surfing, starting a blog, therapy, seminars, constant audiobooks - a rebirth of sorts over and over and over again. The old PP had to go. How he thought, how he reacted to things, how he lived. The new PP had to be born of new experiences - not dissociating from pain, being honest, finding new friends, acquaintances, a new tribe. Changing my DNA through new experiences. Leaving my comfort zone so far behind me I had no idea where the hell it was. Every situation was terrifying, but into them I walked, day after day.
Everyday I would ask myself if I was building Island 2, or staying stuck on Island 1. Was I pretending to be on Island 2 while still secretly living on 1? Was I telling people I had moved on without really moving on?
The key was to fill up my new life (Island 2) with new experiences, with so much richness, so much excitement about the future, so much wonder about what could possibly happen next, and (here's the key) so much GRATITUDE for what I still did have, that I simply stopped thinking about Island 1. I viewed it as my old life while a new one was doing everything in it's power to come out of me. Working with a Jungian therapist helped with this, as did reading stories of people who had similarly lost everything and then rebuilt their lives in exactly the way they wanted to. Cultivating curiosity about where this all may lead and living in that curiosity was a game changer. Suddenly my life went from "all loss" to "holy cow, maybe this all could be leading me somewhere I never would have gotten without it...let's hang out and find out."
Really Surfer, it's about listening to the advice you get here with a mind that says, "How can I take what I'm being told here and live it fully?" as opposed to "How can I take what I'm being told here and use the painless parts of it, or as little as possible, while secretly hoping that doing so gets me my spouse back?" You have to be willing to throw yourself into the unknown day after day after day.
Cadet says to use the time you're given - are you using every single day as an opportunity to better yourself? That's action, not just thought. What actions are you taking day in and day out? Are you relentless about them? Are you the new 5am regular at the gym? Are you getting counseling? Have you hired coaches if you can afford them? How is your life different than how it was in your M? Are you going to meet ups, learning how to salsa, learning a new language, an instrument, changing your wardrobe, etc. How much ACTION are you taking?
Action is the key. That and letting go. Letting go every day. Of the possibility of reconciliation, of the desire to be with your S again, any of it. ALL of the success stories I read had one theme in common - they were done. They had moved on. They were dating someone else and loving it. They had moved across the country. Etc. Then and only then did things shift. It's a double edge sword, to get something back you want you have to stop wanting it! That's a challenge of spiritual magnitude my friend.
Now instead of wanting my W back, I want an incredible partnership. I want to know my partner has my back in all areas. I want exceptional communication. I want us to talk about the hard chit, the stuff that no one else is willing to discuss. I want to be able to lay my entire soul out on the table and say, "This is me. Here are great parts, here are the dark parts, here is the stuff I'm still confused about, here are the potential pitfalls. This is all of me, let's see you."
The type of person I'm going to co-create with will look at everything on that table and say in return, "Awesome, thank you for sharing all of that. I may get scared but I'm not going anywhere. I'm in this especially on the hard days. Btw, here's me. Here's what I've got in my soul backpack."
If that person is my STBXW so be it. I doubt it, she hasn't done the work I have. But if she steps up, we can talk about it. BUT, that's the bar I'm holding for a future relationship. The future Mrs. PP is going to have to be one hell of a woman, because she's getting one hell of a man. No longer am I after just one woman, my STBXW, now I'm after that partner, whomever she may be.
Thank you so much, Lim, for the awesome post. I love it. I will read and read it.
Today was better. I am faking it until I make it at work. No one knows. There would be no purpose in telling anyone there and I think it helps. It forces my mind off of my troubles for most of the day and makes me put a smile on.
Things I did for myself today:
1. Went to my support group.
2. Ate healthy.
3. Made a hair cut appt. Think I am going to get a new do.
4. Made a new friend maybe
5. Reconnected with an old friend and I was so glad to see him!
6. Went to a secondhand store and bought a lamp. WS never wanted me to have a lamp in the bedroom because he hated when I read.
I did not contact WS today. However, he did contact me and I wasn't really sure how to respond. He sent quite a few texts about our daughter(that were unnecessary) so I either didn't respond or said, "Okay, thank you" or "thank you. I appreciate that." Then he sent me a text asking if I was going to MC alone on Thursday. I responded that I could. He then messaged back that he thought it was better that we both go. I didn't respond because I wasn't sure what to say.
A couple of hours later, I got another series of random texts. Telling me something about the cat, that DD was watching tv, and that he was leaving. I just said okay. A few minutes later I got back, "Sorry to interrupt whatever you are doing." I didn't respond but when I got home, I noticed that he had taken my garbage bins out to the curb. He, in the past, has felt underappreciated so I opted to send a message that said, "Thanks for taking the bins out! It was great not to have to go back out and pull them to the curb. Much appreciated!!" He promptly sent back, "no problem". I didn't respond.
No idea if I am doing this right. Any input?
No idea if I am doing this right. Any input?
Molly,
I think you're doing a great job! You're doing things for yourself and you're distant, but pleasant. Keep up the good work.
Thanks so much, doodler.
Doing okay today. I've maintained NC and really, I haven't had the urge for contact. I am working on moving his stuff out of his dresser drawers. It bothers me to look at all of his stuff in my bedroom. Is that wrong? Is it okay that I am bagging it up? I went to my psychiatrist today. He made a med change and stepped down my anti-depressant and upped my anxiety and sleep meds. Hopefully, it will help.
MC tomorrow. Anyone have any idea how I should handle it?
Are you going alone? At the stage you're at, I'm not sure why you're going to C if he doesn't want to actively work on your M.
We are going together and by his choice. We were seeing her prior to Dday. Last appointment, there was a discussion on whether she should become my IC which would mean stopping being our MC but WS decided he wanted us to see her again.
It's weird. Should I back out?
He just texted me to tell me the dentist had called him to confirm my appointment. I haven't responded.
Molly22,
MC is notoriously disastrous if both parties are not fully onboard to work toward repairing the marriage. If you do go, just don't anticipate a great outcome. The old saying, "plan for the worst and hope for the best" is a good adage that applies in this situation.
Molly -- just keep doing what you're doing re the texts. Their subject matter (not important stuff) and frequency suggests he's noticing your changes/pull back and is temperature checking to see if you will come jumping back into the boat.
On the MC, I'm mixed. I definitely agree you'll get nowhere if you both aren't motivated to make the MC work if at all possible, but WS is apparently saying he wants to go, so I'm hard pressed to see how you wouldn't want to go and see if there's anything in it, albeit with the lowered expectations doodler wisely counsels.
Yikes! Now I don't know what to do. Since he is such a conflict avoider, I thought it was a positive sign that he wanted to go. I'm dreading it though. Should I cancel? I have a feeling that if we cancel, he will never go back.
Yikes! Now I don't know what to do. Since he is such a conflict avoider, I thought it was a positive sign that he wanted to go. I'm dreading it though. Should I cancel? I have a feeling that if we cancel, he will never go back.
In my opinion, it won't hurt to go. If it doesn't work out well, then just understand that it's the typical outcome.
My wife gave me the choice of MC or lawyer. Of course, I chose MC. The first session was not too bad, the second session was not good, the third session was a disaster. And, she's the one that suggested MC. She was only good with MC as long as she felt like things were going her way. When she realized that wasn't happening, it went downhill very quickly.
I'm not really sure what to talk about at MC. I don't really want to share the GAL stuff I am doing. I don't really want to share that I am back at my support group. I have a habit of crying at MC too. Ugh. I need a plan.
Let the MC guide you (that's what I'm doing in my own sitch). That's his/her job, and, if (s)he is any good at all, she'll let you both talk, and she'll guide you as to content. You of course can always say you don't want to talk about something if it doesn't suit you. Good luck!
Thanks, JRuss. I'm going to be nervous about it until it happens.
I've had a lot of texts from him today and I mostly haven't responded or I've been detached with my answers. He's avoided seeing me in person for two weeks so when he sent me a text today saying that he was headed to a particular store, I responded by telling him I was at that store myself. I got back a text that said, "I don't want to break down in public if I see you. I'm going to XYZ instead."
Didn't know what to say so said nothing??
I'm by no means a vet, but he definitely seems to be temp checking. Keep on keeping on -- I think you're doing very well, but it's a long slog.
I think I pushed it too far tonight. WS sent a text because his mother was wondering what to get DD for Xmas and I made a comment that DD feels abandoned by her entire family. I shouldn't have said anything but it's true. All three of my kids feel that way. WS, ILs, and his siblings have all rallied around him and not one has made any attempt to contact the kids. It especially hurts DD20 and I feel like I should stick up for her.
How should I have handled it?
"Perhaps they should reach out to DD and ask her directly. She would certainly welcome a call as she has mentioned it's been some time since anyone has last reached out."
Ok I just read your whole thread and am a bit confused.
He had an A so you kicked him out. You then decided you wanted him back and he decided he want sure he wants back. Now he's coming after you and you are detaching?
All of this has happened in the last month?
Do you want him back or no? Does he say he wants back or no?
Yes, I asked him to leave. It was a gut reaction to a horrible discovery. I then asked him a Couple of days later whether he would come home and work on it and he decided that our whole marriage had been terrible. He said he was worried that we would return to more of the same and that I would never be able to trust him again. I then started reading here and detaching from him. Now he is showing signs of possibly wanting to R. . It was his idea to continue MC.
I am just as confused as you are lol. I was so caught off guard by DDay, I reacted horribly . My heart broke and kicking him out seemed logical at the time.
Do I want him back?
He needs IC and a good one. He has been given the referral. If he is willing to do that and continued MC without the OW in the picture, then yes, I want to try. I already see IC and am working on my issues.
"Perhaps they should reach out to DD and ask her directly. She would certainly welcome a call as she has mentioned it's been some time since anyone has last reached out."
That would have been the perfect thing to say. Thank you. I'm going to keep that in mind for the future.
A couple more "I miss you" texts from him this morning. Trying not to overthink it. I'm just tired at this point. I feel blue today and like I didn't sleep when I did. MC tonight and I am not looking forward to it at all.
Off to MC soon but it appears I may be going alone. He says it is too hard to see me. I know in my heart that if he quits MC now, he won't go back so it will be the end.
It's been the worst day. I was sitting in my car at work about to back out when a woman lost control over car at high speed and hit my car and three others. All the air bags deployed. I'm fine but she wasn't. She was taken to hospital. Scared the crap out of me.
Hi Molly I had lost the will to live also. I know how hurtful and confusing this is. It's been a few years for me and still obsess over what happened. Today I lost a dear friend and the depression kicked in.
I will be ok and so will you. What I learned is that I needed to be strong, confident, and most of all to kill the fear..
Fear will affect your functioning. It affected mine and at times it still does.
Don't let fear stop you from living.
Whomever said MC would be terrible? It was awful. I am crying so hard right now. I've got to detach. I've got to get strong. I've got shove down the pain a bit so I can breathe.
WS bawled through the whole thing. He hasn't gone to the IC he was referred to. She called him out on that numerous times. She asked him if he was done with us and he said he was but then he contradicted himself and she called him out on that too. She says we need, at least, three months apart and working on ourselves to reset some of the patterns.
I'm left confused and hurting. She asked to schedule an appointment in two weeks and he said that was too long for us not to talk. That perplexes me if he is done. He asked to hug me outside her office. I didn't but now I wish I did. He just texted me that he is driving around, nowhere bound and I like the emotional idiot that I am, I replied, "come home". Back to NC.
I don't understand any of this. Keep working on me, right?
I think the MC suggestion is spot on. You both definitely need some time apart and to process what the heck is going on. To be honest, I've read and reread your thread and it's all over the place. I can only imagine how the session went.
Take a break. Breathe. No decisions need to be made right this second. Quit responding to texts in the way you are. You are confusing the crap out of him. He's doing the same to you. Slow down!
Ok, breathe. Thank you.
Didn't sleep despite DR giving me sleep aides. I feel anxious and tired. Not going to carry my cell phone except where it's absolutely necessary today to reduce the temptation to text him or to even check if he has texted me.
That's all I've got in me for today.
Molly,
I'm sorry about the difficult MC session.
True story: After my wife and I had separated, I was having one of my worst days ever. I didn't bring my lunch to work so I decided to go to a nearby grocery store to get something to eat.
Just before I entered the grocery store, some guy asked me for money. (I assumed he was homeless, because he certainly looked like it.) He said he was hungry and just wanted to buy some ramen noodles so he could have something to eat. Of course, I was thinking that was total b*llshit; I was certian he just wanted some beer. I looked in my wallet and all I had was a five dollar bill. I gave him the $5. He thanked me and said he give me $10 back the next day. I immediately thought b*llshit and told him not to worry about paying me back.
I went in the grocery store and got a few things for lunch and as I was walking to the checkout line I saw the guy buying a large package of ramen noodles and a lotto ticket. I never saw him again, but he actually bought the ramen noodles and I'm assuming his intention was to get a winning ticket so he could repay me. That blew my mind and it made my week. Sometimes the little things make a big difference.
Thanks, doodler. I think it's going to be difficult for me to put one foot in front of the other today. Looking on my phone this morning to see if there is someone I can text for a little support and there isn't. I have to change that.
When is the sadness going to lift a bit?
Molly22 - The sadness will be with you for quite some time. That's the way that grieving works. You'll learn to live with it and not have it control you. It takes time to heal - allow yourself to feel pain and let it wash through and over you and pass behind you.
Hello Molly22,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
I'm also sorry that your MC session awful and that you left confused and hurting. Michele has an excellent video "When Couple's Therapy is a Bad Idea" Please email me directly and I will be happy to send you a link at no charge.
It sounds like there are mixed signals coming and going from all directions. It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Thanks, Andrew.
Today hasn't been the greatest. I feel really blue. I don't have the urge to contact him really. I just feel blah and I am losing hope. How do you get yourself back up on those terrible days?
How do you get yourself back up on those terrible days?
It really helps to get up and move around even if you don't feel like it. Also, it's generally better to be around people. Since it's almost Halloween you can put on an outrageous costume and go to the mall and find out what kind of reactions you can evoke.
If you absolutely can't find anything to do, then you can go to Walmart and pretend you're a greeter. It's Friday night so you know it's going to be special.
I actually am going to Walmart. Sadly.
it should be a rockin' Friday night.
Made it through the day. Bawled all the way home from work because WS sent me a bunch of relationship-y texts. On the good front, I ate healthy and reached out to a friend when I was feeling super blue. I got this.
And when you feel it slipping away we're here for you.
I'm pullin for ya - We're all in this together
WS didn't show up on time for visitation today. He was more than two hours late with no notice. What do I do with that?
As much as I don't want to, I think I'm going to have no choice but to contact a lawyer. He doesn't believe I am entitled to any money. Anything I do ask for, he wants an explanation of why I want it. Plus, he will watch DD when I am working which means he has every single evening to do fun single guy stuff while I am parenting.
I'm missing something. Based on your sig, it looks like your youngest child is 18. Why does she require watching?
She has a disability and can't be left alone.
Ah. That makes sense.
It seems like it would be helpful to at least consult with an attorney, preferably one with experience with divorces involving special needs kids.
WS text me and ask me if I was going on a date tonight. WTH? How do I respond to that?
WS text me and ask me if I was going on a date tonight. WTH? How do I respond to that?
I do have big plans tonight. Hope you have a good night too!
The beauty in that response is the vagueness. Your big plans could be Netflix alone. A hot bath. Or even going to bed early. He doesn't get to know that nor does he have a right to ask.
How did you know exactly what my Saturday night plans are?
That's a great answer. I'll use that. My initial thought was that if he is worried I am doing something, he will use that to justify crappy behaviour on his end but you know what? I can't control what he does or doesn't do.
Precisely!
And yea, besides the early bedtime, that's been my Saturday night.
So I just got a text from him that says,"Did you do good things? Did you have fun at the bar?"
How do I respond to that? After Dday 1, when I believed we were in reconciling, I used to tell him every morning "Do good Things" and he would say, "always". That was a big fat lie.
Molly22 - Do you actually "need" to respond? Is it really any of his business? Other than him monitoring your movements and wanting you to check in with him each time you turn (one way of looking at it) is there any benefit for "you" with this exchange?
Option 1 - Ignore it permanently
Option 2 - Respond a bit later with something generic / bland
Option 3 - Provide a minute by minute detailed explanation of each of your movements and maybe his eyes will glaze over like someone reading my 5000 word posts here do
For you though - today - Do good Things - for you.
I like option 1 here..... this doesn't warrant a response.
Thanks guys. I'm going with no response for now. I want to respond because I hope it's bothering him but that's the codependent me and I don't want to be her anymore. Fake it until you make it, right?
I always struggled to not respond at all....never really got there and part of me always thinks....isn't that rude??! I guess I'm too much of a good girl.
However, I did get the hang of brief, pleasant, delayed responses.
Great, thanks
Yes - enjoyed it, thanks for asking
Had a lovely time :-)
Brilliant, thank you!
And so on....It's a good idea to leave non-essential stuff at least a little while...couple of hours? And then a 3 or 4 wonder is perfect I think...
Xx
I feel like a total jerk. Ignored the earlier message. I got "Why am I worried about what you did last night? It's silly". I didn't respond. I feel guilty not reassuring him. Awhile later I got a message asking if I was home. I wasn't but he dropped off pet food and went in and took out the recycling etc. I thanked him for doing that but nothing else.
Molly22 - You did great! One step at a time and good job in the polite note back to him.
Molly,
I think you are doing a great job. I see that your husband is VERY conflicted based on his actions. His is in a hell of his own creation right now. Let him sit in it an be miserable. Let him see what he has done to your M. You focus on YOU right now. Dont feel like you have to respond to every text he sends you. Make him miss you. OW has NOTHING on you.
I wish I had someone sitting beside me as I text or don't text. He has sent me a lot of messages today. In part, it seems he is looking for reassurance. I don't really know where to go with that.
I'm 99% sure the OW is out of the picture currently. Doesn't mean it will stay that way permanently but I outed them. Not particularly proud of how I handled it but not much I can do about it now. She's a Bunny Boiler.
WS asked me tonight to wait the three months that the MC said it takes to reset patterns before I make any moves. Trouble is, although he seems to be missing his life, he doesn't seem to be making any progress on himself. He still hasn't contact an IC. I'm going to keep moving forward and I have a feeling that he his going to be lagging to far behind to catch up.
How do I let him stew in his own misery?
He asked me tonight if I have a boyfriend. Ya dude. We've been separated three weeks and I have a boyfriend.
So your detaching well! Keep it up!
Tonight I had to use some detaching texts to my ww. She wanted me to watch the kids so she could go hang with OM. I told her I had plans. She then for the first time in about 9 months asked who I was going with, what I was doing, guy or girl, etc.
I was vague and polite and of course she jabbed t the end saying that she was glad I was going out and hopefully have realized we are over and then told me we need to make some time to go file.
Stay strong! You are doing great!
I have such a hard time being vague because I worry he will think I am doing something and it will justify him doing something. If that's what he is going to do, I don't want him anyway, right?
Be vague. That will be my goal today.
He betrayed you. why would it entitle him to knowing your every move? When he had that privilege he took advantage of it. He has to earn it back.
He betrayed you. why would it entitle him to knowing your every move? When he had that privilege he took advantage of it. He has to earn it back.
You're right. Can you give me a kick in the butt every time I post that I am tempted to contact him?
I already burst into tears once at work this morning because I let him get to me.
Meh. I feel good as long as I am not in his presence. He came to get DD a few minutes ago and he hugged me. Didn't expect it. What do I do with that? Next time I'll be better prepared. It felt good but sad.
This stuff all [censored].
Is he Donald trump? If not than unwelcomed touching is not ok
Is he Donald trump? If not than unwelcomed touching is not ok
How do I gracefully get around it?
It wasn't that I didn't want to hug him. I did. It's just not likely the best idea because as soon as he left, I was a wreck.
One way is to tell him straight up: "I appreciate and enjoyed the hug in the moment but, at this time, I'm not ready or comfortable for it."
Good answer. Now how do I keep my emotions in check?
Can we not send PMs on here u too we have reached a certain amount of posts?
Okay, so I definitely need to lay down some boundaries.
I have been letting his visits happen in our family home even though he doesn't live here anymore. He does some household stuff when he is here sometimes like taking out the garbage, etc. A couple of weekends ago, he did my laundry which I thought was odd(He has NEVER done laundry)but whatever. Tonight, after the trick or treaters had slowed, I went in my bedroom to get changed. Wet towel on the bed. My undies drawer open. He, apparently, had a shower, then dug through my drawer, and threw his wet towel on my bed?
I don't want to start the process with a lawyer because I don't quite want to give him the nudge in that direction yet but how the heck am I supposed to lay down some ground rules?
Exactly as you just practically said.
"WH, as it stands we are separated. It's important that we both take this time to figure out what we both want. With that being said, it Is not appropriate or comfortable for me for you to treat this house as your home. I'm asking you to respect that this is where I live and when you are here you are only visiting which means that my bedroom is off limits along with any/all belongings in general. I respect your privacy and boundaries and expect you to do the same. If you can't adhere to this then the next step is to no longer allow you to be here."
Such a great answer. I need to memorize it.
I have no idea if any of this stuff I am doing is working. I feel better and more stable so I guess that means it is working. I'm finding it easier not to reach out to him and he is reaching out to me. Today, he messaged and asked if he could put my winter tires on my car for me. Don't really know what to say. The gesture is thoughtful but part of me feels like he is just trying to keep a foot in the door just in case whatever he is doing doesn't work out.
MC is scheduled for this Thursday at his request. I am wanting to cancel. He needs to be doing some work on myself and I need to continue working on me.
Support group tonight! Going to go to my first yoga class this week too! Yay me!
Molly22,
It sounds like you're doing a great job of getting the DB stuff figured-out. Awesomeness!
Have fun at the yoga class.
Such a great answer. I need to memorize it.
I have no idea if any of this stuff I am doing is working. I feel better and more stable so I guess that means it is working. I'm finding it easier not to reach out to him and he is reaching out to me. Today, he messaged and asked if he could put my winter tires on my car for me. Don't really know what to say. The gesture is thoughtful but part of me feels like he is just trying to keep a foot in the door just in case whatever he is doing doesn't work out.
MC is scheduled for this Thursday at his request. I am wanting to cancel. He needs to be doing some work on myself and I need to continue working on me.
Support group tonight! Going to go to my first yoga class this week too! Yay me!
Don't assume he isn't working on himself. His "work" may include all the things he's been doing or asking to do. Detaching is a 180 for people that are connected. If he was distant before, detaching would be a horrible thing for him to do and his 180 would be to reach out and try to engage more.
With that being said. Focus on you and your stuff. i think you are doing a great job!
It's not really an assumption. He admits it. MC referred him to an IC weeks ago and he hasn't even made an appointment. It's okay. That's his problem. I just know that I can't venture back into a relationship with him as long as he is an unsafe partner.
If rifling through the underwear drawer of the wife on whom he cheated is "working on himself", I'd hate to see what not working would look like.
Hang in there, Molly -- you're doing very well from where I sit.
He did it again tonight. Showered here. I have had a series of appointments after work so he has come and stayed with DD for an hour or two a day. Left his u serwear on the floor for me to clean up. I actually sent him a text, just now, telling him that t needed to stop. WTF?
Where is he staying? Why can't DD go to his place?
He stays at his parents which is about twenty minutes out of town but still, he has never showered after work in twenty years. I feel like mailing his dirty u derwear to him.
I don't really know if I am doing the right thing or not but I am not contacting him at all or responding to any of his messages. I want my marriage to work but the reality is that right now, he is happily sitting on the fence. He showers at home. He comes and goes as he pleases. He keeps the money he wants. Time to kick him off the fence.
Time to kick him off the fence.
Molly,
I think you have good instincts.
I don't really know if I am doing the right thing or not but I am not contacting him at all or responding to any of his messages. I want my marriage to work but the reality is that right now, he is happily sitting on the fence. He showers at home. He comes and goes as he pleases. He keeps the money he wants. Time to kick him off the fence.
He's cake eating.
20 mins out of the way. Too bad. Have him pick her up and bring her back. Gotta lock down your personal space.
I agree. I've made it too easy for him so far. Proud of myself today. I've ignored all his attempts to make contact. Am I normal? I am losing interest in reconciliation. The less I contact him, the stronger I feel. Don't get me wrong, there are moments of overwhelming sadness but I put up with his infidelity for a long time. Three Ddays in four years. I suddenly feel like I can breathe a bit.
You are doing great Molly...I can't imagine getting more than one BD but 3 in 4 years??? That is crazy!! Good job of ignoring and I agree the less I don't see or talk to my WS the stronger I feel! Hang in there!!
You're doing good Molly. Keep it up. You need to be working on you right now and it seems like you are doing a good job. In order to get your M back, you have to be willing to let it go. He needs to see that he has completely lost you. It's then, sitting in the $h!t pile that he made, that he will come to grips with what he has done. Let him sit there for as long as it takes. Taking out the trash and changing your tires does not make up for what he did. He has some serious work to do on his own issues. Getting into IC is a MUST for him as far as I'm concerned.
DO NOT let him back to easily. Make him work for it. Your R will be better for it.
If he keeps coming to the house to shower, I'd change the locks. You can't kick him out of the house but he left of his own accord. So I think you'd be justified in changing the locks.
There are some issues that I am not sure how to overcome. I can't change the locks for reasons having to do with my special needs child. I want WS to no longer come into the house for visitation. He lives with his parents who have had little to do with our children. The kids do not like them or wish to spend any time with them. I originally told WS he needed to take DD to his parents for visitation but she cried so much that I relented. How do I be a good mom and make him stew in his own sh!t?
Did well today. NC with WS. Did some GAL stuff. I have a massage tomorrow and first appointment with new IC. I feel oddly detached from myself. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
You are taking for an hour or 2....he can take them to a movie. Dinner. Park. It's not your problem!
Be very aware that you are going to continue to go through the roller coaster of emotions. There are days when I have so much perceived clarity that I want to run and file but then the next day I miss her like crazy. Don't do anything f rash
He has her for 10 hours on Saturdays while I work. The other times, he can most definitely take her somewhere outside of the house.
I feel like he gets to do all the fun dad stuff and I get to do the parenting. I really feel like there has been no consequences for his actions. Even now, losing his family doesn't seem to be much of a punishment because he is getting to do what he does best. Avoid confrontation or having to face what he has done.
It likely goes against what is recommended for me to do but I packed up a lot of his remaining clothes, etc this morning. I need him to know that I am moving forward. It's not a means to manipulate him. I just wanted the space in the dresser and closet for me and I am tired of looking at his stuff. Bad? Good?
He moved out. He needs his crap! And it prevents showering. As far as the times and where he goes when he has DD.....again, his prob not yours. You are letting him play part time dad and a place to hang. Nope!
Bad? Good? Definitely good. For you emotionally and for him to understand you're not his doormat.
It likely goes against what is recommended for me to do but I packed up a lot of his remaining clothes, etc this morning. I need him to know that I am moving forward. It's not a means to manipulate him. I just wanted the space in the dresser and closet for me and I am tired of looking at his stuff. Bad? Good?
Molly22,
You're a natural at DB! It took me a while to figure it out. Once I'd realized my WW was walking all over me I told her to get out. I bought her some boxes and tape and gave her seven days to pack her stuff and get out. I think that was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but it was the right thing to do. Good for you to take the initiative to do that.
I don't think I am a natural. I've just reached my bullsh!t limit. On the second to last Dday, in June, I was suicidal. I felt like I was dying. A switch has flipped in the past few weeks.
After the first Dday, WS complained that the pain just poured off me all the time and that it made me hard to be around. I really resented him saying that given the fact that I was in so much pain because he cheated. You know what? He's right. I lost myself in it. I didn't even look like myself anymore. I stopped caring about my appearance. I cried continually. It wasn't good for me and I should have kicked him out ages ago.
I got my hair all cut off yesterday. I bought some much deserved new clothes. I got a massage. I actually smiled at myself in the mirror today.
Off to MC tonight, by his choice or, at least, it was by his choice when she asked at our last appointment. I haven't heard anything about it since. My goal tonight is to make a plan for him taking DD out of the house instead of him having his visitation here. After this, I don't know that I care if we make another appointment unless he has make some kind of progress on the things MC asked him to do this week.
Molly -- I've gotten that same complaint: that I was too overtly sad, and that it pushed my W further away. I am not saying LBS' don't need to work really hard to find a PMA (for themselves, not their WS), but it is really hard when inside you feel like you're dying. And it's flat out the height of victim shaming for the wayward/walkaway to make the complaint. I think they feel guilty when they are forced to confront the human toll of their choices, and they don't want that and can't deal with that, and so they scapegoat.
It's frankly one of the things that helped me drop the rope to whatever extent I have recently. I started asking myself how sure am I that I want to be with someone capable of that sort of reptilian lack of empathy? It switched the focus from where it had been (doing everything possible to please my W into R) to at least asking: What do I want out of a partner, and is this person really capable of it?
Hang in there!
Ugh
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
Met my new IC today. I like her. However, the only reason I was referred to her was because WS wanted us to continue seeing MC therefore I couldn't see her as an IC. WS did not show up for MC today even though it was him that asked to schedule it. Didn't call. Nothing. I texted him(shouldn't have) and he replied that he had just finished supper. DBing or not, I told him I thought he was a d!ck.
Guess we are done with MC which is disappointing because even though it's not really helpful right now, it was the only hope for getting my conflict avoiding WS to deal with some of his stuff.
Bad day. Back to NC.
Molly22,
Tell your WH that doodler is going to kick his @ss.