Link to my old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2711747&page=11So to recap, he's moved out. The last thread was mainly the results that transpired when he left. Suicidal threats, calls to police and all kinds of drama.
He has given me the religious part of the divorce (not sure it was done properly, and it isn't official until once I have delivered the baby)
He has started to swing by the house.
Surfer I will reply to you here as my old thread maxed out.
The reason of 4 months is merely for the religious divorce, he basically has the opportunity to reconcile any time until I've had the baby. After that, he would not be able to remarry me. He has called round to collect laundry, he used my machine yesterday as he said that his hasn't arrived yet. They have been flying visits, I was out yesterday most of the time he was here. Today I was in my room, kind of avoiding him, but he came to check up on me (perhaps guilt, must not mind read).
I get what you mean re trying to push my buttons about the ow. I was just annoyed, and to be honest, I didn't really want to see him for a while so I could collect myself. I just saw it as majorly disrepectful! I shall work upon this, until I can figure out a way to perhaps lay down a boundary on this.
I think that would be an idea to be out, I don't want him thinking he is the only one who has a life! I completely get what you mean regarding control, by surrendering his rights, I mean he surrendered his rights to give an opinion on my life or anything that happens in it!
I think perhaps I do have a view of not being worthy, you could be right. I'm not sure how I can improve upon this and realise that I am!
My plan was to stay dark, until he came around. Maybe I shall break this to him in a way that he needs to let me know beforehand. I don't send any texts or communicate to him. I think I need some severe space from him to regroup and collect my thoughts. Right now things are too raw and I'm adjusting that I end up feeling hurt or angry when I see him
Cherry,
He's chosen to leave the M home. He cannot just swing by whenever he sees fit especially if he is not contributing to the household expenses. Change the locks or send him a message that he needs to arrange times to come by and see S or he can pick S up and take him somewhere.
May have said this before but your strength is inspiring.
Cherry, it may be time for firm boundaries. You can do it in a civil manner.
Wrt to the lock, you may want to check with your L the legal implications. Also, check with him the validity of the religious D.
(((Cherry)))
Yes, I agree with TO - he chose to leave and that house is no longer his home to come and go from IMHO. It's reasonable to ask him to arrange visits with you. I agree to be careful about the locks. Though you could take lesser steps (like putting the door chain on for instance) so that he has to knock. And if he queries, you can just say - oh the chain was on....now that I live on my own I use it more etc...)
But I would take steps to break the dynamic of 'I chose to move out, but I'll come and go as I please in my house'
Take care Cherry - you're doing really well xx
Cherry,
Just ask him to be respectful and call. You may have guests and don't want anything embarrassing to happen to them....etc.
Your self esteem takes a hell of a battering during DB. I really do know this. Ha ha. However, if there is something else also that makes you feel less than great about yourself you need to work on the things that boost your confidence in both arenas. As much as I have read, I believe some of these things for you include:
- Pampering
- Dressing nicely
- Doing presentations at work
Personally, I think something that puts you slightly out of your comfort zone is good. So you can work on your self esteem. But first, just focus on This part of the DB process. Remain detached and go dark. A spot of negro cereza will do nicely right now. Don't let him push your buttons again. Stay strong and confident.
Also, dont forget the GAL activities. Talking is important too.
I am sure today will be better for you. Keep that chin up and stay strong. You are an impressive person. I know people talk about you doing all this at such a young age and coping so well.. You perhaps brush this off but it's true and you are setting such a great example for your S. Imagine that easy alternative - out of control, always flying into a fight. No give yourself a well deserved ego a boost - you are doing so well. There are very few that could handle what you have.
Surfer.
Thanks guys, yeah I understand this is something that needs to be put across to him. I think my internal battle has gone from how he was the other weekend with the suicidal, I feel like I want to tread carefully that I don't want to slam the door shut. However, he does need to respect our privacy, I don't have a key to his place, I don't call into him and crash his space, so he can't come and go as he pleases here. I have some added security on my door so it can't be opened from the outside. I think I will have the conversation with him that he needs to contact us first.
Thanks surfer, I shall try to utelise the space as an opportunity to work upon me. You're right, for some reason I do shrug off people's compliments towards me, I need to realise I am doing a good job. There could be an alternative to dealing with this, like you say, flying off into a fight, or doing disappearing acts myself and taking comfort in one night stands. I should take pride that I'm facing this face on and working on me, without disrespecting myself and setting a poor example to my S
Exactly. You are doing a great job. You need to remember this.
Kind and caring people are kind and caring. They just are.
You are a kind and caring person. Don't forget that. Set your boundaries though, kindly; as people get tend to given treatment they accept.
What a lucky little boy you have to have a mum that is doing such a fab job in the face of such adversity!!!
Surfer.
Cherry
Just getting through the day with dignity is great and a very positive achievement.
It's enough.
And I agree you can choose to have your peace and quiet and a calm home, a haven for you and S.
Hugs
V
Thanks surfer, I think I am the lucky one having such a happy loving little boy. He's the biggest blessing I count every day. And that's one of my focuses st the moment, to see the blessings. I watched stand up to cancer this weekend (don't know if any other brits watched it), but I saw stories of families torn apart by it, and I've been through this treatment- I've felt like I would loose my life. Chemo and radio takes it out of you, but after that, I built my life again from scratch- and I can do that again! I thank god I beat that and have gone on to achieve my dream of being a mum.
And you're right on that, sometimes I dislike the fact I'm a kind and caring people, as people do take advantage of a good person. But the flipside to that is that I have a lot of friends who are there for me now.
V, you are so right. That is something in my hands, I can either go down a route where I loose it, and am angry or upset. Or I can choose to have a calm and peaceful house. I choose the latter, and I shall fill my home with love.
Pregnancy sickness has given me a beating today, all day long! I shall take some time to rest as I've quite a few GAL activities towards the end of the week and the weekend to fill my calendar with. But as surfer said the other day, I am quite a home bird, and sometimes I do prefer my own company at home. I'm trying to make sure I strike a balance as I know it does a lot for my pma to get out and do something and see people. And I say I like peaceful quiet evenings, but I often spend an evening on the phone to a girlfriend or messaging friends.
Take care of yourself Cherry. I agree that the shouldn't be able to come over whenever he wants but rather than change the locks why don't you ask for his key back?
You are doing great in the circumstances. (((Cherry))).
It's definitely time for lock changing.
Cherry
Watched this.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rQXHsZdN9u4It broke me. I have not cried so hard for a long time.
Sent it to my W saying how lucky we all are.
No response.
Surfer.
Coly, maybe asking for the key back is an idea rather than put myself at yet another expense to change locks. And not unreasonable at all I don't think.
Surfer, that particular story got to me. My heart broke for that man, his wife and then his child. Utter heartbreaking!
Had to break my almost silence, I have a sonogram that he said he wanted to be at, so text just to ask if he was still going. He is. So now I shall give myself a minor pamper so I don't look as bad as I'm feeling today. Man does this sickness give me a beating sometime!
Messages between us are straight to the point, and after confirming he would come and arranging to meet him there, that was it. He's been dark to us all, including his mom. What I don't understand is how a toddler can be lumped into his feelings of anger, he never asks how he is or checks up on him. Still it is what it is and he is ultimately loosing out.
Not really looking forward to seeing him, as I know it's just going to be plain awkward, I expect the silent treatment like last time! Still, I'm there to see my baby, and he's not taking that happiness from me.
((Cherry))
It's shame. If they ever stop to acknowledge the trail of destruction that they leave behind them, they will probably die from shame.
Cherry, at this point in time, he has hardened his heart. Wws always display traits of narcissism, some more so than others, while in the wayward fog. Narcissists don't care about others; they only use them as needed.
Cherry,
You do just that. Be beautiful. Be Kind. Just look forward to seeing your little bun in the oven!
Your S won't know what he wants right now. Don't try and second guess him if you can help it. It's just mind reading and you know it only hurts one person....you.
It is good news he is going though. Treat it as that.
Surfer.
Grl, I have thought many a time that he has many traits of a narcissist.
Surfer, you are right. He's going and that's a positive. I'm looking forward to seeing baby, I just hate awkward situations, I don't feel I have much to say to him right now.
Keep yourself light, cordial and beaming with maternal glow. I am so proud of you, you are handling this like a boss. I didn't have half the strength you had while pregnant and dealing with a WH. Your babies are so lucky you are their mom, truly they are blessed. ((((hugs))))
Cherry, normal people can also display narcissistic traits during A.
I don't know how he used to be, but right now he is probably focused mostly on himself.
Which is what you should do too. Focus on yourself and your little ones. Keep on even keel.
Be strong, sweet friend.
Then don't, nosey neighbour role. Just "keep calm and carry on Cherry".
Surfer.
Actually went better than I thought. Made sure I was looking good today, despite a touch of morning sickness. I dressed good, made sure I fixed my long mane, and made sure I was in a good upbeat and confident mood. I did note a few males checking me out as I walked to the hospital, a nice little ego boost. I kept chat general and we had a few jokes, he seemed to mood match me. Baby is doing good so very happy with that. I told him he could go while I saw the doctor, he said it was okay he'd wait and come with me. That surprised me as last time he couldn't get away fast enough. He even offered a lift home. He didn't want a pic of the sonogram, but I didn't expect he would.
All in all it went okay, and to be honest, I wasn't really even faking it. The amount of things he has done recently, I've kind of let go of the hope he will come back. Of course I know I do still love him, and I would love if my m would work. But I know I'm starting to adjust to my life, and prepare for one on which he doesn't come back into. So building a kind of friendship of r for our children is more important right now.
To summarise, I guess no expectations, or at least no positive expectations really does help
Great stuff!!!! Well done. Very, very proud of you. Keep it up!
Build those good memories and fun times with him. I suppose that is piecing...IDK, I don't think its time for me, or you, to understand all that yet.
Surfer.
Thank you guys
I admit I was pretty proud of myself, maybe it's because at my first scan he didn't say a single word to me, at all. Whereas today we had a few laughs, general conversation (non relationship/family, I was keen to stay way away), there wasn't any awkward silences. Still I am in no means getting any kind of hopes up. Maybe he can sense my "oh whatever mood". But I did well to channel that while still being friendly, that my friends is a skill.
Surfer, I'm not entirely sure if I will ever get to piecing with him. But I know that I do want to be able to be in a room together and be nice to one another for my sake of my children. And for them, I'll do anything! He called me to see if he could come to see S, o said sure we were just about to eat, and did he want some (I'd made a proper homemade curry, he loves that, and it was just by chance he came at that time, I had no idea he was calling round. I am also an amazing cook if I say so myself, and when I joined the family I asked his mom to teach me the authentic way).
After eating, I left them to it, and I am (kind of) working from home this afternoon. And by that, I'm not really achieving much as I'm using my energy on tackling a few other things.
You handled that like a rockstar! It really does seem that lovingly detaching is setting in. If the roller coaster dips again just know you can level off again. I am so proud that you put your best foot forward.
Cherry, great attitude.
But should you ever find yourself spinning and expecting more from your H, please remember to cut back and regroup.
Your H has been swinging very erratically. Don't get into the path of his pendulum/ wrecking ball.
Observe from a safe distance and do what works.
And Cherry, keep the focus on you and your little ones.
Thanks guys.
I've gone back to being dark again, not for any kind of malicious reasons but I think it will serve me better. Obviously, if he was to get in contact I will be polite and friendly again, but think it's better for my sanity to get used to the distance to make sure expectations don't creep in.
He has been swinging somewhat erratically, and I've seen a lot of things that haven't worked. Some days something will work, and others not.
I've had a really busy day today, and occasionally felt the twinge of sadness. I think with feeling that way, a little distance will help me to keep trying to move further and move on.
Cherry
This isn't being dark. One can't be dark again.
You either are NC or you are not. Forever. This means no responses to WH at all other than administration on the kids.
That's it.
Dark means not even following WH on FB, no texts, emails, conversations, visits, casual oR otherwise.
And as much as possible concentrating on you and your little one and the unborneed sibling.
Peace from triggers of connection.
Dark isn't like a light switch on, off, on, off.
It's remove the bulb and smash it.
Just saying
Hugs
V
Yes, I agree with V and I think what you are doing is being 'dim.' Dim means responding to business politely and little else.
Dark is pretty much zilch and I don't think you can really be dark when you have young kids together...
Cherry,
Ultimately it is your choice to go dim or dark or something in between. It depends on how long you want to ride the emotional rollercoaster.
(((Cherry)))
Okay, we will say dim then. I obviously need to respond to messages about S, and if I see him, I will be polite. But to be honest, he rarely texts to see how's is, so messages are fa and far between, and I don't initiate any.
The silence from him and lack of seeing him does help me, I fear if I was to see him regularly I would still have have all those loving feeling and torments, whereas in the peace, I can collect myself and concentrate on me and the kids.
Today, I'm having a well deserved girls day. My parents are babysitting for me, so I don't need to worry about S and have a little me time.
Hi, Cherry. Dropping by to wish you a great weekend!
Just go as dark as you can perhaps?
Block it all. See what happens. It's a 180 at least.
Surfer.
It has been a while since I posted in Newcomets, I just wanted to let you know that I admire your strength and how wise you are about the situation.
I'm so humble by your strength. I hope you had a great weekend.
Surfer, I definitely feel like if anything, my not contacting him is a 180. Only me not contacting him equals zero contact at all. I did think that he would contact me or mil just to see how S is, but he doesn't. Nor does he even see him much, that does leave me sad.
Rouky, thank you for that. Sometimes you need a little encouragement and that's what you gave me, thank you.
Coly, I'm not too bad. I've had a pretty busy few days, had a good day with my gf yesterday. Was nice to see her, as I know I can be completely honest about thinks with her,,and she doesn't man bash, or tell me to get over him. She understands me and admires my fight for my m; but most importantly, she knows how to lift my spirits and has me laughing and smiling. Today I've kind of felt the effects of these busy few days, and I'm feeling a tad run down. This evening, I've felt that odd twinge of sadness and kind of missing wh. I'm not at that crying stage, but just a little sad. And I feel sad when S asks me where he is, and I realise he misses his dad too, and there's nothing really I can do about that aside from shower him with love myself.
Cherry,
It all takes time. Sit tight.
Surfer.
Cherry, agree with surfer. Sit tight, and take care of yourself first.
Watch and monitor.
Thanks guys, there isn't really much to watch or monitor right now. Haven't seen or heard from him since last week. He briefly came over at the weekend to see a while I was out. He didn't really spend much time with him according to MIL. He was busy doing some work on our computer. He doesn't text or contact about S, and as part of my 180- I don't contact him neither. Am I doing the right thing? I feel like it helps me a bit more to detach from him. There has been the odd occasion I've thought of messaging him, but I have resisted.
Meanwhile, in my life, I've been pretty busy with work and social arrangements. My diary is pretty much jam packed. I do feel pretty detached from him, apart from the odd sadness, im pretty much getting on with my life and focussing on me and the babies. I do feel like there is no hope for reconciliation, especially given that I never hear from him and he doesn't really see any of us
Hey Cherry, believe me I know the NC thing is hard! Seven weeks and not a peep from H except tonight we have had some text chat about D's prom dress for which he has offered to go halves on,t because she tapped him up for it!
You are doing great Cherry. I think every time you want to contact your H ask yourself what it will achieve especially if he doesn't come back to your text or answer your call straight away, that's what sends me spinning!
As Blu always says, let them go. Your H has some serious sorting out to do and you giving him the space is the kindest thing you can do.
With him coming over to use the computer while you are out. He has chosen not to live there anymore so you really need to start setting out your boundaries with him. Tell him he needs to get his own computer. Also is he still coming over to do laundry?
Good to have a friend who can lift your sprits Cherry.
You are doing great, NC is really one of the hardest things to do when you are used to chatting and bonding with the person you are married to. What's funny is you become used to it, so when/if piecing comes around you have to remind yourself to "re-activate" that part of your brain. But for now lovingly detaching is the absolute best idea.
Cherry,
Wow - its amazing how we all go through the exact same. The hard bit I find is detaching vs piecing. Got to be careful with this. My DB Coach sessions made it clear really - you have to do both at the same time. Weird as on here it seems like Detach, then piece. I think the reality is more like 'lovingly detach, be nice and say nice things when you talk - "thank you for that", "I am greatful for that" etc but don't be all over them. BE loving when you see them but detach to the point you are not on the crazy train!
I think piecing (perhaps - not there yet so IDK) is more of a conscious thing. Something you both work towards.
Keep going, don't pick up the phone as much as poss. I guess. Keep on with the GAL things too....
You are doing great.
Surfer.
Cherry,
If he happens to be around when you are around, you could try to engage him a little and make small talk. See what happens.
The thing about detaching while interacting is that it is so dam hard. It's so hard not to get your expectations up and not spin. That's why the advice here tends towards detaching only. Piecing here is the stage when the wws/waw and the lbs have both expressed interest in working on the M.
If you really can detach while attempting to reach out, I say go for it. I honestly feel that there are times when you need to reach out, sort of like the wws' temperature checking.
But you must let go of expectations.
Thanks guys. I think the silence of NC has helped lower my expectations. I don't really see him coming back from this. Which I guess , that protects me a little from building expectations. I haven't seen or heard from him in like a week. But when I did see him I was cheery and friendly. Meanwhile I'm just focussing on me and getting me good and friendly. I make sure when I see people, I'm upbeat, I chat to people, hold my head up. I've had numerous reports from people that he appears very distressed/not himself, standards of work slipping (very unlike him, he is extremely professional). I don't badmouth him, I don't wish for him to fail in things, I really don't. This may be chaos that he brought on, but he's clearly a distressed individual. And I do still love him, that I know. But I have had to let him go, and lovingly leave him to it.
Stop worrying about him. He's doing plenty of thinking of himself. You don't need to do that now. It want stop you thinking of him per se but don't worry about him.
Surfer.
Cherry, I hope that when you write about your H here, you're journaling and not brooding. You may think about your H; it's hard not to.
It's part of grieving.
But you know you have to stop yourself when you can't function because you're too obsessed with H.
One thing I do when I start to ruminate is Three Things. I find something I can see, something I feel (wind on my face) something I hear. It refocuses me on the here and now and makes me step away from negative ruminations.
Oh yeah grl, don't worry about that. It is just journaling. I'm a fully functioning individual! I've started doing more, socialising more, filling my diary. It is just more the passing twang. I'm doing a lot better than I have been. I resist the urge (if it comes by) to message him. It was only people saying things to me about him at work that got me. I wasn't obsessing, it just made me kind of see that yes I do miss him, but I'm on my own now, I don't think he is coming back, but I don't wish anything bad on him. I like to think that although I'm getting my head around the notion that he is gone, I need him to be of the right mind for the kids, which he isn't. I also think people wanted a bit of gossip or wanted to hear me badmouth him- but they won't get that, I've more class than to run around playing woman scourned, nah ah, no can do.
Sara, that's a good idea, when I had a series of panic attacks a few years ago I was told to do a similar technique.
That's a great attitude to have, Cherry. Should your H ever find his way home, he will find the path smoother. I am glad that ppl are starting to guess at what's happening. You dont have to feed the gossip mills. I think they are feeding themselves in your favour.
PsySara
I find something I can see, something I feel (wind on my face) something I hear. It refocuses me on the here and now and makes me step away from negative ruminations.
I like this. Sounds like someone passed this on to you.
Thanks.
Surfer.
Yes. don't get involved. I told you the story of my W's Cousin trying to do the same. I side stepped her and she nearly exploded. So get your body swerve on (might be hard with that bump!), then sit back and watch the fireworks!!!
By the way have you googled 5 love languages. Listening to the audio book. It's fascinating....
LoL.
Surfer.
Oh believe me, I still have plenty of swagger even when pregnant. The amount of "offers" I'm getting, especially at work has kinda left me speechless (I won't touch any with a pole, I don't even dignify with a response- they have opportunist written all over!
I have looked at LL, the first time when we went through this, and it actually was backed up by wh saying "but I do this.... which shows I love you. He is acts of service, so whenever he did something to help me- I made sure I thanked him. Whereas I am words of affection and touch. Needless to say, my needs weren't really met!
Keep your swagger on. What's your plans this weekend?
Cherry, when your H shows sign of softening, and when it seems a reasonable time to reach out, do something for him. Maybe your meals for him?
If his LL is acts of service, he feels loved when you do things for him. Thanking him works as words of affirmation, which doesn't seem to be his LL. You should of course still affirm him, but if his main LL is AOS, you will also have to look into doing things for him.
Right now, he may notice but may not feel what you're doing for him so you should still keep your expectations low.
Funny you should say that grl. Thursday mil asked wh if he wanted to come over for a meal Friday. He ignored this, so we took it as a no, and left it st that. We were just about to start serving and he asks what it still ok to come over. We said sure, there was enough. He was quiet but thanked us for the meal (he ate super fast, he looks like he hasn't eaten a home cooked meal since he left!) he played with a a bit and said he had to go. I have an old phone which is newer than his, he told me his was broken so I offered him mine, which he declined. I thought I would leave it at that.
It was a bit of a strange encounter, he came of his own accord but was very withdrawn. Still my expectations of him are pretty low. So it didn't hurt me, was just an interesting observation. Not sure wether to reach out again as he's receptive. It's hard to know what to do really.
I've a busy weekend! Seeing family and then I'm going to do a few fireworks and food for S. just a couple of bright garden ones that are none noisy. Then seeing another friend tomorrow.
Hi Cherry, I think it's good that he came - even if he was pretty withdrawn and didn't engage much. At least he does feel comfortable enough to come around for dinner.
In your sitch, I don't believe you reaching out would be the right way to go at this point. He has chosen to leave and I would respect that, leave him be and go about your own weekend with as light a heart as possible. When you see him, you can of course leave him with some light and positive memories of those little interactions.
Watch out for the nurturing mind reading - he may or may not have had a home cooked meal and that's up to him really....He's a grown up and can cater for himself. Whilst you may feel some compassion, I think it is important to let him walk the path he needs to walk.
Hope you have a lovely weekend! Got any nice plans?? :)xx
Well yes, and the most important part of that for me, was he saw a and spent a little time with him. He obviously does feel comfortable enough to come over. And I think all things considered I am very civil with him. I treated him just as a guest, and that's how it felt, was kinda strange.
I have been getting on with my own plans. I've been really making the effort to get things sorted, and get some kind of work/home/social balance. And it really does help. There is certainly less of the "I don't want to do anything" feelings. I'm just trying to build my own little life up, and adapt as life as a single parent. I've kind of felt as though I've been doing this for a long time, and I take a to do a lot of things, and then mil is a great hand to baby sit so I can have an evening with a girlfriend.
Walking his own path is something I'm getting used to and mil is too. We both almost feel guilty that we feel this calm relief in the house. But we have tried with him, and now we are just concentrating on us and building our own routines.
Just letting you know sending you the best.
V
Cherry, I agree. Don't reach out by deliberately calling him or texting him. But if your mil should offer, I don't see why not. Let the squirrel come closer first.
You can be civil and friendly without being a friend. Don't go out of your way to fix his problems. But if it's in your way, then it's your call. Just don't be nasty about it and shove things in his face.
I guess it's really hard to tread the fine line between friendly and eager.
(((Cherry)))
It's a good sign that he came over dinner. This gives you the opportunity to try out your DBing muscles. Keeping it light and warm makes positive memories when he thinks back about you and your S. I know what you mean about the single parenting thing, it definitely is an invaluable skill. I really like reading about you getting out of the house and GAL, keep it up sister!
Thanks guys. Grl, that's the way I saw it, I didn't offer- it was mil. But in the same way I was upbeat and pleasant to him, but it wasn't as though I had offered to have him round. But the friendly without being a friend was the kind of stance I would be, the whole neighbourly kinda way.
Thanks Sara, as you know- it is a hard balance to try and juggle a career/parent and individual. I do find it quite tough while pregnant and sometimes having really bad hyperemesis. I'm not sure wether I will have given him any particularly warm moments to take away. But I certainly didn't do anything to harm the situation
Cherry, I think by not doing any additional harm, e.g by being mean, biatchy etc, is actually doing a lot.
In their confused, wayward states, it may be that the nice things that we do won't touch them the way they should. But nothing wrong with planting a few seeds here and there.
But they will definitely notice anything 'nasty' or 'mean' that we do, because they're looking for examples to reinforce the hateful image they have of us.
So being pleasant, civil, not rocking the boat (unless firm boundaries are needed) can help a lot.
Have a great weekend, Cherry!
"We".
That's good. You MIL clearly has your back. This is very important. It shows that she sees your integrity.
Surfer.
Grl, thanks for that, I hadn't really thought of it that way, I'm not really giving him the ammunition to use against me. But my lack of communication I sometimes think he will perceive as I don't care, but I guess really it is just respecting his need for privacy, though then when I do see him I'm civil.
Thanks surfer, she really does, and some of the dub techniques are also helping her too. She is amazed by my strength!
Had a good weekend so far, lots of beautiful precious moments with a and family. I did a few quiet pretty fireworks in our garden and food. S liked this, but when the big fireworks started he wasn't too sure about that! Another busy day tomorrow, seeing a friend and taking S out for a play date too. Made sure I gave myself a little pamper this evening and a nice warm bath to unwind. I do feel a lot more in control of my life again.
*db techniques! Not dub! Silly autocorrect!
I did a special face mask for moisturizing today and thought of you, lol! You would be suprised the things WAS's remember warmly once their fog clears. Consistency (of what works, of course) is a key element of DBing from what I read from others. I can sympathize with the HG, I had it with all three of my pregnancies. I lost 14 pounds in 8 weeks with my first pregnancy before we found a med that worked. I still threw up a lot but I was able to keep some food down and stay hydrated. When do you find out what the newest family member will wear? Pink or blue?
I'm glad you did Sara
makes me smile! I can't quite imagine his fog lifting, but I do think I'm consistent, it's somewhat easier now I don't see him much. Yeah that's kinda how mine is, I was the same with S, now I'm still sick (some days all day) but generally the meds control it and I've started to put the weight I lost back on and hold some food and water down. I could have found out the gender a few weeks ago but I want a surprise again. My gut tells me a boy again, but most of my first pregnancy I thought girl, so I'm clearly not great at that part of mothering instincts!
Consistency yes. Doing what works and not doing what doesn't. Not giving them bullets to fire for spew and propoganda campaigns.
The fog will go Cherry. They can't function properly with the fog. The think I think is different is putting the past behind us to move forward. Healing only comes when they can confess their wrongs, seek forgiveness and make changes to work together. Both parties need to do this. However, my WW is so stubborn that she can never do this. Ultimately she will not miss me unless I do some massive 180's. Strict NC. No kindness. Get a D going. Date others etc Problem is she has finances for 18mths or so. But pushing for a D is obviously the opposite of LL work. She is clearly still resentful so I wonder if Sandi's way is best. No LL etc.?
Tricky times....but I am very happy being on my own for now.
Surfer
My wh is very stubborn too! Strict NC is practically impossible where there's children involved! It's definitely all a case of finding what works. I'm not sure of what that is yet. But I'm like you, I'm in no rush to start dating, and I'm busy doing the concentrating on building me up for now.
Had another mad busy day today, lots of fun with S. Feeling rather tired, and the evening sickness has crept in now. So going to crawl into bed ready for work tomorrow!
My gut tells me a boy again, but most of my first pregnancy I thought girl, so I'm clearly not great at that part of mothering instincts!
I'm glad you're waiting. My nephew and his wife on W's side knew the whole thing well in advance. I still remember when S22 was born and W was sure that he was going to be a girl. I also feel that naming in advance takes out some of the challenge and mystery. We picked a bunch of names in advance but when D24 was born we held her and felt that she should be named after my great-grandmother.
You're doing well sweetie and I'm glad that at least what you are writing is focused on yourself and your children.
You have immense self control, I was so nosey about what my baby was I think I would've paid $$$ for an early blood test if it had been available, lol. Alas the high risk OB I had didn't do those kind of blood tests so I had to wait until the anatomy scan. I also had poor intuition when it comes to guessing the sex, I've been wrong every time, haha! You're doing fantastic!
Thanks Andrew, I agree for me it makes it all more special waiting. And I'm the same school of thought with names, I had a few in mind for either gender but when I held him and saw him, it took a few days to think of the perfect one that suited him.
Thanks sara, usually I have little patience, and I admit I was curious at the scan, but then I thought of how special my last delivery was and finding out then- and it was so worth it! I think we more than make up our mothering instincts elsewhere!
So not much new really to update. I've had such crazy sickness today, and not managed to eat or drink much so I'm feeling absolutely exhausted and rather sorry for myself. Because of the physical side of me taking a bit of a beating, I feel like this evening the mental side has taken a hit.
I read over on Sara's thread that grl feared she was too dim; which has led to me thinking, am I being too dim that I am going to cause more harm? But I mean when I do see him, he is so unbelievably withdrawn, I don't think he would appreciate hearing from me anyway. I never hear from him, and he has so far called around about once a week for about an hour. He never contacts even to see how s is.
I know this low mood and over thinking is because I'm physically feeling unwell.
(((Cherry)))
I am sorry you're feeling so poorly physically and this has affected your mood.
I guess I must clarify what I meant by going too dim. I didn't just go too dim; I couldn't retire my resting biatch face and I was still angry and hurt. And scared.
There were times when I sort of slapped the door on his face because I was so justified in my own hurt.
Because I was still swinging on my own wrecking ball, I missed little signs of him trying to reach out.
Cherry, I dont see you doing that. I dont see you pushing him away. You have been kind, civil and on even keel.
Continue to treat him kindly when he comes over. Monitor what happens first.
Ah okay grl, thanks for clarifying that for me. I'm on the right track then. The way I see it is that I want my s to see parents that get on. I also don't want to hold onto angry, when I was angry, I felt out of control and very attached. Working on me and finding my own peace has helped me be calmer and let go somewhat.
Cherry, I think you're doing great. When your H is more stable and has stopped with spewing and his erratic mood swings for some time, you could try reaching out to him.
Give him and yourself more time first.
You and Sara really inspire me with your strength.
In the meantime, work on yourself. Keep the side of your street clean. Have an improved version of Cherry waiting for the guy who deserves you (may be H or may not be).
Cherry
Not posted much as you have been doing great. Bit of a wobble recently but so what?
I keep thinking of you and caring for you.
I know you are fine. That's all I have to add today.
Dig deep. Keep doing the right thing my dear.
Surfer.
Thanks grl. Yeah I think a lot needs to cool and settle before I will think of reaching out! My attention shall remain on me, and the little ones of course. I think, as difficult as being pregnant and going through this is, it gives me something to look forward to and concentrate on.
Thanks surfer, yeah just a little wobble, to be expected I guess. I was feeling better today both physically and mentally. Busy day at work, these dark nights creeping in seem to be making me even more tired!
I once read that you should not approach emotionally charged situations (or conversations) when HALT (hungry-angry-late-tired.) I think we can add sick to that. So on days where you feel like something the cat coughed up give yourself some slack. I think wobbles are a natural occurrence when pregnant, especially when the spouse decides it's a jolly time to lose their mind! So keep doing your GAL and pampering! You are my inspiration for self care so don't stop now!
Haha Sara, I'm so glad I'm motivating you there, I'm still keeping myself preened as possible, don't worry! And you are very right, it's like when they say not to make any life changing decisions when depressed.
So after a busy day yesterday, and a lot of sickness since the early hours. I went into work for a while, only to be so sick I got told to go home. While lay on the couch looking after s, wh appears in the house. Rather unexpectedly, it didn't really bother me, as S has been unwell (just a cold, but too young to understand the concept of resting and blowing his nose himself). As pleasant as I am to wh, I'm still trying to keep some distance. After all, that's what he wants, and also, I wasn't in the mood for a potential spew fest. S was having fun playing with his dad (he is still rather quiet and withdrawn, even when with s). So I asked was he okay to watch him for a while so I could get some rest/get a nice bath. He said that was fine. I offered a drink and so on, which he thanked me for and I left them to it. MIL offered to cook (the sight of food knocks me sick) and asked wh if he wanted to stop for dinner. He agreed. Of course he was super withdrawn, and silent. But I was upbeat. After eating he said his goodbyes and off he went.
All in all, not exactly a positive visit, he is still utterly silent (shall not mind read). But nor was it a spew fest. It's strange, when I do see him, he feels like a stranger and I think is this who I want to be with, and the answer is no. Not like that. I've got good at expecting nothing of him (except maybe negatives- e.g. Spew), and this kind of helps me to think nothing of his visits.
Did some real organising of what I need for baby still (I do like a good list). And did a little online shopping. So I'm quite happy with that achievement! It seems to be going so fast, I can't believe I haven't got so much longer in work left. I'm starting to delegate some workload and train others to do some of it whilst I'm off.
Met with a new IC today. He asked me what I wanted to achieve from my sessions, I admitted that I wasn't even sure. Maybe it's to get some peace or clarity. We went through a few things, and I gave him the back story on wh. He identified that I come across as a person who always wants to help others, maybe as a distraction or maybe I want to save people, but he said he felt that we need to focus on me and find out what makes me happy and start putting me first. This did reasonate with me, I do tend to feel guilty about seeing to my needs. From a db perspective, I think this agrees with it, as it's helping me improve me. He said that wh is on his own journey. I said how I'd become accept that.
All in all it was productive and gave me some things to think through. Other than that, nothing new to report really, I've been getting on with my own thing. Not seen or spoken to wh. He has the silence he wanted.
Your new ic sounds good. And so do you Cherry.
Yes, it does sound like you're a fixer. Not surprising since most of us here are fixers. We're the ones trying to get help for our Ms/ ourselves.
The good thing about us fixers is that we get things done. The bad thing? We have a tendency to be martyrs.
It's true that your wh is on his own journey. You too are on your own journey.
Be well, Cherry. Thinking of you and your little ones.
Sounds like your IC is a good match, his philosophy dovetails nicely into DBing principles. When is your due date? We should hold a virtual baby shower.
Thanks ladies. I do still feel a little down at times, keep seeing all these Christmas commercials with the loved up couples and it's a little reminder of what I don't have. And there's times I miss my actual h, not wh, but the man he was. Still I resist the urge to reach out to him when I feel like that, and busy myself with something else. After all, that's what I feel like doing, not necessarily what he wants. I must admit I was kinda hoping my ic would dig a little into the mind of wh, and explain to me things from an ic's perspective; but I now see that it wouldn't really help me, and that's his goal.
Sara, I'm due the first week of march, I can't actually believe how quick this is flying by. It's like I can't quite believe I'm pregnant, or I forget I am. I explained that to my ic, as one of my worries is that I'll kind of be in shock when I've given birth. It's very strange, you'd think a huge belly and constantly being sick and feeling these little kicks it would sink in.
Cherry,
Those feelings, when you see Christmas commercials, hurt less and less over time. I remember seeing amarous Italian couples on the escalators on the tube and saying under my breath "oh god no".
It doesn't bother me now. I think the happier you genuinely are the less you miss these things. Even your WS. Sounds sad, but it's not really. It's just how it is. It's all a bit 'Frozen' but you really do have to "let it go" and start doing things for you that make you genuinely happy.
You don't need to know about your WH's mind. It's a sign of detachment that you still want to although you are definately getting there. I bet you IC would have less of an idea than you in fairness. Depression, Crises based upon upbringing and feeling inadequate. Looking for affirmation in all the wrong places. Etc.
I wouldn't worry about it as you can't change it. No point in understanding the intracicies of the Trump Vote, BREXIT etc as you can't change them. It's not different really, understanding a WS provides no real key to change. Understanding you and the sitch does. As you can adapt how you think pand most importantly act. And that is ALL you can control really.
Surfer.
Cherry, I wonder too about the minds of wws but I have to thought- stop before I get into an ocd loop.
We will never really know unless they tell us. And even then, how will it help our anguish now?
I know what you mean about the holidays. I avoid the malls like the plague and stay off the tv.
How are you keeping yourself busy for the hols?
Thanks surfer, that is all very true and helpful. And yes, these lovey dovey couples do make me cringe a little. But I guess that is just a touch of jealousy, we know that we have had that once, and even in the most loving r's- it subsides with the real deal, which is trust, respect, love and understanding. Yeah I get that it's still a little sign of detachment wanting to know. I think that's my mind in general, I want to find logic where there isn't any! So I'm glad that I've an ic who is going to help me process this and improve me. I am getting there, the pain is less than it was, the reminders etc, they don't sting as much. He did say he liked my attitude and that he could sense im not a "why me" kinda lady. Which is true, even when faced with cancer, and everyone around me saying "why you", I would answer "why not me".
Grl, tbh, my thoughts are constantly pre occupied by a lot of renovations and redecorating of the house. There was quite a list of things that needed doing, but wh would just get too bogged down in the "where do I start" that we would never get anything done. I figured I needed to start somewhere, so I did! I've already started buying my gifts- I do love gift shopping, I give great gifts if I say so myself, and I love seeing everyone's faces as they open them. That coinciding with buying lots of baby things and preparing for the new arrival keeps me busy! I'm fortunate in a way I have so much on my plate, as it gives me something positive to tackle! I'll look forward to decorating the house, I love all the fairy lights around the place at Christmas. And I imagine I'll have quite a busy social calendar. Plus once Christmas is done with, I shall begin getting ready to take my maternity leave too, I've a good friend who's baby is due at the end of the year, so I'll have a companion on my leave to enjoy some days with. Last time, I was kind of scared to leave the house with baby on my own, and I didn't have any friends with babies, they were all off travelling the world or living the young free and single lifestyle- I guess I have part of the lifestyle, but certainly not the "free" type, and tbh, I'm glad about that! I'm an incredibly maternal person, and becoming a mother was my greasiest wish in life. I've no regrets starting a family young, i had already gone through so much prior to meeting wh. I've travelled the world, and will continue to do so with my babies in tow. I'd rather be anywhere with them by my side than travelling alone or with friends, or out drinking and hooking up with guys. And this is one thing that prevents me from being angry or saying "I wish I'd never met wh", because if I hadn't. Maybe I wouldn't be a mom, so for the babies- I'll always be thankful for meeting him just for that.
Cherry
Your IC will help. With the detachment though, TBH this comes from within, and only time and practice can help. Mainly time really. You just kind of recognise it happening TBH. Kind of like realising - oh, I don't seem to think so much about WS how weird. Almost too a kind of I don't give a sh!t too but not really because you do (bit weird). It's a nice feeling though I find you love them but you are almost impervious to their world in a way. IDK. Still have bumps but they seem rare now.
Might be worth talking with your IC about wider issues too? How you see you and previous Relationships etc. Don't forget An IC's opinion is just that. Sometimes to just talk and explore things helps you get it right in your mind. At times I think just posting on here is as good as anything. It's a very well educated forum on such matters.
I hope you are well this evening and your boy is happy and well too.
Surfer.
I like surfer's advice.
And Cherry, I love your GAL plans! And energy. Just reading the things on your plate makes me feel my age.
Cherry, you have a great attitude. You're so much younger than me but you've got such great tenacity and attitude. And wisdom.
Your babies are lucky to have you as their yummy mummy!
Thanks surfer, I do feel I am getting better at the detachment, the distance really does help. But I'll be honest, there is still a bit of me that is attached; I'm not stressing too much about this, I know that this will come in time. And I will mention that too him, I did briefly mention my abusive ex prior to wh, and I told him how I think I seem to be drawn to people with problems so I can fix them. But I can't, I've learnt this the hard way- people have to fix them self. And you're right on this forum being a very educated one. Through reading, homework, the help on here, and mwd's books I have learnt a lot more about the mind and relationships.
Oh grl, believe me- I don't feel too energetic! I feel constantly tired! But it's my stubborn determination that gets me through! And that's a huge compliment about my babies! So thank you!
Cherry
I don't know you. But I understand that part you have shown. You are SOLID. I am too. You know this.
Attachment takes time to let go of my friend. It will happen. I can't wait until you get to smile from inside again....and you will.
The ex etc is perhaps about wanting to fix and care - I think people have a 'giving' LL too!!! They can be different than recieving.
Anyway. You will be fine. Hope you are watching IACGMOOH?
Thanks surfer! Yeah I will look forward for feeling genuinely happy and content again. There's a lot more days I feel a lot less sadness.
I forgot all about it! I was busy pampering myself for the week ahead and having a lovely peaceful bubble bath while the little one was asleep! I saw Larry lamb is on there, I have no idea why but I think I have a little crush on him!
Yes. He's is literally old enough to be your Grandad! 70 nearly.
Hey Cherry, thanks for thinking of me and dropping by my thread.
Hope you and the little ones are well!
Larry Lamb Cherry, I'm shocked!!
I struggle to watch it myself, too many creepy crawlies for my liking!
Maybe I could blame these pregnancy hormones? I dunno what it is about him, I really don't- he just seems a nice guy, and pretty funny too. He's so far from my usual tall dark handsome type. My wh is a typically handsome, olive skinned, dark hair Mediterranean type- he looks more Hispanic than me!
Thank you all for dropping by. I've been rather busy of late- not necessarily with exciting things or any developments, but life. Haven't heard or seen from wh since last week. S is missing him, and has had a few temper tantrums of late which has been hard, but I understand this is hard in him too. Trying to keep things as normal as possible and keep him happy, but it can be tough at times.
It will be thought at times Cherry. But it will get easier. Focus on the positives. You are good at that.
Surfer.
*tough* damn you auto correct