My wife recently left me on my birthday. We had been at odds for sometime as she blamed me for all of her emotional shortcomings and I blamed her for my unhappiness.
At first I was committed to saving our marriage and doing whatever it took to win her back, but now I don't know anymore.
I love my wife very deeply and do not want to see her in emotional pain, but I feel that if I am the cause of it then I need to remove myself from the picture.
We have been married for 5 years, in the last year my wife, the extrovert, social butterfly, and pursuer in our relationship had become emotionally withdrawn, resentful, and angry towards me. I, the introvert became more willing to open up talk and discuss my feelings, but it made her angry.
She abruptly left our home after returning from a week long trip. We were very amicable during and prior to her trip (often being very emotionally and physically intimate); however, on the last night of her trip one of her male friends threatened me in which I went to the police and requested my wife come home to help me.
Instead of supporting me, my wife grew angry, lashed out, and called me petty and insecure. Never accused her (nor do I still believe) she has had an improper relationship with this gentleman, but this gentleman (a friend of her close female friend) appears to be mentally unstable.
Despite this, my wife refused to speak to me and did not tell me when she returned (which was not normal for her as she always got in touch with me on a nightly basis when we were apart). Me not knowing where she was for days drove me crazy, so I frantically called her family looking for her and she got angry. When I tried to call her, she got even more angry and hung up. Finally she sent me a message saying that she needed to come by and pick up her clothes and that she did not feel safe with me.
This through me for a loop, because my wife is the one who has a bad temper and explosive anger.
She left me the day before my birthday and cancelled all the plans she made for me. I'm not angry, but more hurt and worried about her, even after she notified me that she was drawing up a divorce agreement.
I had initially signed up for three coaching sessions and began reading the Divorce Remedy, but I feel there is nothing that can be done at this point. My goal was to stay away, limit contact, and focus on myself. But now that I have a legal matter to attend, she was recently in an auto accident (I own the car), we have joint bills, and she is working on divorce paperwork. So I have no choice but to stay in contact with her.
I do not want it to be done but I feel that there is nothing else I can do.
I'm lost and hurt not because she is no longer with me, but because I can sense her pain.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Consider this your homework.
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I love my wife very deeply and do not want to see her in emotional pain, but I feel that if I am the cause of it then I need to remove myself from the picture.
You are not the cause of her pain and she is not
to be blamed for your unhappiness.
I would still do the work here because there is no
avoiding it or easy buttons to press.
Keep posting
Thank you for the information Cadet. I'm still unsure of what to do because of all of the rumors I am hearing come out the woodwork now.
My wife has limited contact me via email which she often initiates, although I do believe I reply too quickly and with too much information. I try to limit talk of the past and just tell her I'm more concerned about her safety and wanting to make sure this divorce goes as smoothy as possible.
She says talking to me is too painful. Her emails are usually full of anger, blame, and requests. And despite the pain of her abandonment and emotional neglect and abuse I still try to be positive in all my interactions.
I'm an a very private person, so going dark is not abnormal for me. My wife is a social butterfly and during our relationship I would often shutdown and shut myself away which would make her manic and obsessed with trying to control and pressure how I felt. The more she got possessive with my moods and feelings, the more I wanted to withdraw out of fear and resentment.
Later in our marriage when I finally started opening up, she in turn would get angry, resentful, and withdraw. And recently before she decided to run away, there had been nothing anger and confusion coming from her regarding anything I said or did. On one had I'm too passive, too withdrawn, and too shut in. On the other hand I'm controlling and abusive.
Too afraid to keep opening up to her and be attacked, I started speaking to my family and friends again after being on "hiatus" for many years. They have all rallied around me to support me, but that is when the rumors started coming out. The have told me that my wife said I was unpredictable, aggressive, abusive, and controlling.
They told me that she always said she never felt safe around me and that I'm the reason for all of her pain and confusion. That was a double whammy, on top of all the other recent things she has done to me (mainly lashing out and verbally berating me).
At first I was shocked, then sad because I tried to think of anytime I was not agreeable with my wife and if that made her feel bad. But now anger is building because I know that I never tried to demand anything from my wife because I was too afraid to.
I started cleaning our home today and boxing her stuff today, my goal was to get my home organized and possibly prepare it to sale if necessary. When I notified her via email, in the most polite and calm manner possible, her response seemed agitated and worried.
For some reason the person who said they would always love me and never abandon me seems happy to make unreasonable demands on me and state to world how free she is now that I am out of the picture. But she seems angry that I appeared to have taken the first steps to reclaiming my independence back.
I love her, I miss her, I want her safe, and I'm worried about her emotional/ mental state based on her recent abnormal actions. But I can not even think about ever getting back with her after all of this.
I still do not know what to do...
Bumping this
My wife only wants to correspond by email and only about business/financial matters.
I pulled all of my text and chat logs with my wife from the past two years read through them.
I realize my wife was the one who always said I love you, always emailed, called, or text, to check on me. And always reached out when she thought I was hurting and angry.
Most of my responses were about business, the home, our finances or physical acts (I cooked for you, I fixed your tire, I cleaned up, I sent you money, etc.) that I just done for her so she wouldn't worry about her safety or our finances.
I never really got into the "emotional stuff" during our almost ten year relationship, except only when it came to sex. And even then I felt uncomfortable and uneasy being emotional with my wife.
I noticed that about 4 months ago her random "I love you" text became less frequent. She would still send me things like quotes and poems but I noticed she started investing herself more emotionally in her work and social life. We still had a very strong sex life, despite this.
Since she left, she recently sent me message telling me how to we needed to split up bills and finances so she could find her own place.
Instead of sticking to the matter at hand I talked about how my I have heart since she just disappeared on my birthday. How it hurts that I do not know where she is. How it hurts that she refuses to say "I love you." How it hurts that she keeps saying I will hurt her, even though I spent our entire marriage trying to shield her and putting up with her temper and sometimes (although very rare and old) physical outburst.
Her response was I don't trust you or feel safe around you.
Although I was supposed to go dark, my feelings got the best of me and now I feel further lost down the hole.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Instead of sticking to the matter at hand I talked about how my I have heart since she just disappeared on my birthday. How it hurts that I do not know where she is. How it hurts that she refuses to say "I love you." How it hurts that she keeps saying I will hurt her, even though I spent our entire marriage trying to shield her and putting up with her temper and sometimes (although very rare and old) physical outburst.
Her response was I don't trust you or feel safe around you.
What makes you think this is about YOU?
She is hurting and continuing to beg, plead, bargain, and have relationship talks is counter productive.
Read the homework and the DB/DR books.
Then you will start to understand.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Well I'm already at a huge disadvantage, my walk out wife read the DR book and recommended I read it. Not much hope now I believe.
My has told me that there is no way we are not getting a divorce, she has started the paperwork and is looking for an apartment.
I saw her for the first time in two weeks the other day while I was taking care of some legal matters. While I can not get into the details, I will say that someone my wife is very close to, threatened me with severe bodily harm and I had to go to the authorities.
Her goal that day was to disrupt and dissuade me, even wearing sexy clothes to do so.
While she has been sending me heartfelt emails and text almost daily about what "once was", she is adamant that this is for the best.
She has said recent events has shown her that we just can't work.
I'm preparing for the legal reaming I may receive as well as the financial fall out. We had a true partnership money wise, but now I do not know how I can pay the bills, she says she is almost out of money (while still hiding away), and she says that she needs to file the separation paperwork ASAP.
All those years, I tried...I guess I tried in the wrong way.
Have you seen a lawyer?
My suggestion is start agreeing with her however
she should do the work for the divorce and
you should try to protect yourself.
My has told me that there is no way we are not getting a divorce, she has started the paperwork and is looking for an apartment.
I saw her for the first time in two weeks the other day while I was taking care of some legal matters. While I can not get into the details, I will say that someone my wife is very close to, threatened me with severe bodily harm and I had to go to the authorities.
Is this ^^^ the same incident you mention above in another post, or are these two separate incidents? Is there any reason you couldn't have tried to handle this yourself, without going to the police?
When your wife tries to hurt you with the D-word, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way. That's not what I want, but I understand that you will do what you feel you must do."
My sense from reading your posts and your description of your interactions with her is that your wife probably perceives you as being WEAK, and that's a turn-off to her. As much as I know you're hurting right now (and I know because I was there too!), it's not a good idea to tell her of your pain. She is NOT a friend to your marriage right now, and not the one you're going to be able to turn to for comfort. It's better to convey an attitude of "Hey, this isn't what I wanted but I realize now I'll be okay no matter what happens." Not only will that help YOU deal with everything, but it has the double benefit of also being ATTRACTIVE to your wife. She may not acknowledge it or even fully see it right now, but she will over time.
Hang in there, and as Cadet said . . . keep posting.
Starsky
Starsky,
If you have a red Gran Torino in the parking lot, your lights are on.
Five,
Sorry you are here buddy.
FWIW, I think your W is having an A. That's what her actions are telling me.
Even though your W read the book, if she is in an A, she absorbed NONE of it. She might as well have been trying to read something in another language. Read the book and follow the advice.
You can go dark with her, but that doesn't mean you have to be dark in the rest of your life. Get out there and GAL. Start learning to live a fantastic life without her. Do these things to make yourself a better person. Do these things for YOU. She will eventually see what she is missing.
Five,
Sorry you are here buddy.
FWIW, I think your W is having an A. That's what her actions are telling me.
Even though your W read the book, if she is in an A, she absorbed NONE of it. She might as well have been trying to read something in another language. Read the book and follow the advice.
You can go dark with her, but that doesn't mean you have to be dark in the rest of your life. Get out there and GAL. Start learning to live a fantastic life without her. Do these things to make yourself a better person. Do these things for YOU. She will eventually see what she is missing.
Agree with this ^.
Starsky
Yeah, I suspected a possible affair or misplaced loyalties at the least.
I am just preparing to move on and get as far way from her as much as I can.
I'm trying to keep communications with her short and to the point.
I came across some of her old writings while cleaning up. She has been angry/unhappy for at least a year, angry on what she has felt she has been missing out on in regards to what her colleagues and friends have, the posh urban apartment life style (Despite our nice suburban home, large yard, and comfortable home).
I'm preparing to fight a messy battle, not for revenge and not to prove something to her. But to try and keep my home, get my "half", and to move on cleanly with my dignity in tact.
She has been making out to be the bad guy and some master manipulator/abuser. I only wanted peace in our home, nothing more.
Well I'm going file for divorce soon.
I received an ultimatum from my wife to either make an agreement pay her off or sale all our possessions/property (including home) by the end of the month so she can have half. She gave me the ultimatum, in between accusing me of being uncooperative, abusive, and argumentative, to be fulfilled within a week or go court.
She has been really ratcheting up the contact lately, sending me emails and text messages almost daily asking to meet. All this behavior is strange coming from a woman that said she never wanted to see or hear from me again when she stormed out of our home. I went from begging, to telling her how much I love her, to just keeping quiet and dealing with the pain myself. For me survival mode has kicked in and a lot of family, friends, and co-workers (who thought we all had a perfect marriage) have rallied around me in support.
Since then my soon to be ex-wife has come to visit at least twice (to pick up little nick knacks and probably spy on the home. For someone who hates me, she keeps trying to reach out and stay in contact.
It took a lot for me to reach out to family, friends, etc. and talk to them about this. I'm a very private person and my wife was really my only confidant. But I realize over for at least the past year, she has been poisoning the well against me. Anytime we had a disagreement, I realize she went off to tell friends, family, and co-workers "her side". Anytime I did not give in to her wants, she sulked-off looking for a sympathetic public ear. My family said she even came to them a few times, but they told me the accusations she made against me were out of my normal character (I did not learn of this until after my soon to be ex abandoned me). After talking to family and friends everyone has come to the conclusion that I'm dealing with an abusive narcissist that has switched all of her ire on me due to her own internal problems.
On a suspicious and speculative note, someone bashed in my mother's front car windshield recently. It happened overnight when my mom, who has been visiting with me off and on since my wife left, left her car parked in front of my house. No other neighbor's cars were damaged and it looked like someone took a bat or crowbar to the window. This could just all be coincidence, but it smells very fishy.
No Sandi2, I'm a male.
I'm getting ready to file, although she has been nothing but angry towards me lately (and lashing out), it still hurts me deeply to do this.
I do not want bloodshed, I do not want to see her hurting, but it seems she declared war on me a long time ago.
All I can think about is protecting myself, I feel that I can no longer keep quiet in regards to the maligning, blaming, and hatred she has shown me.
I'm conflicted because I want completely out, but I also can't stand to see her hurting.
What is the ultimatum? You said she is making you sell everything and give half or what? Maybe I missed it
What is the ultimatum? You said she is making you sell everything and give half or what? Maybe I missed it
Pretty much, after she walked out she demanded I come to an agreement to sale everything and give her half or she would go the courts.
In her long rambling communications and meetings with me since walking out she would rant and rave about abuse and finally being strong, free, and getting what she deserves.
It was like trying to reason with one of those homeless religious fanatics you see on the street.
I found out later she had been planning this for months, but used a "gas lighting" event to push up her timeline and spring the trap on me. Meanwhile I was in la la land, worrying about trying to save for our next vacation, how to get her a lavish birthday gift, and trying to take care of things around the home.
Yea man. I feel you there.
Just tell her to go ahead and do what she thinks she needs to do and stay the course. GAL and detach
You can't reason with her. Don't try.
So sorry that you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel.
The narcissist is quite good at making you doubt yourself too. You question whether they are right when they attack you as a person. But don't believe them.
Pray. You've got this!
I will pray for you too. May God bless you with courage, wisdom and strength.
In His love
vge1
Romans 8:28
Has her pushing you around to make sure she stays happy, been pretty much the dynamics in the relationship?
Your concern for her may be clouded by the fact you've been trained to make her needs and/or desires top priority. Getting away and staying away from her will, hopefully, give you more sense of a natural balance in life's relationships. This is the time for you to take care of yourself. Get counseling, or whatever it takes to heal from this R and how to break any co-dependency traits or other issues you may tend to develope in R's.
Btw, forget doing and/or buying anything for her birthday, and have a great vacation WITHOUT her!
Has her pushing you around to make sure she stays happy, been pretty much the dynamics in the relationship?
Your concern for her may be clouded by the fact you've been trained to make her needs and/or desires top priority. Getting away and staying away from her will, hopefully, give you more sense of a natural balance in life's relationships. This is the time for you to take care of yourself. Get counseling, or whatever it takes to heal from this R and how to break any co-dependency traits or other issues you may tend to develope in R's.
Btw, forget doing and/or buying anything for her birthday, and have a great vacation WITHOUT her!
This all speaks true to me in my sitch
Has her pushing you around to make sure she stays happy, been pretty much the dynamics in the relationship?
Yes and no, early on when I felt wronged I use to be willing to walk away, shut her out, or even laugh at her off, even though I felt guilty later. The big difference between us, I'm willing to give and give until I have nothing left, she is only willing to give until she feels a bit of "discomfort".
How did that work regarding our dynamic? I would hit a point when I had nothing left to give, felt things getting horrible unbalanced, and then would lash out, walk away, or shut down. Or I would feel the need to retaliate verbally(never physical) for some previous hurt, instead of diffusing the situation. Though I did not ask for much early on and prided myself on being independent (and she always wanted to know what she could do to make me happy) once I started opening up about my feelings and wants (always mindful of trying to come from a positive place) she started lashing out, being resentful, or "forgetful" about things.
Your concern for her may be clouded by the fact you've been trained to make her needs and/or desires top priority. Getting away and staying away from her will, hopefully, give you more sense of a natural balance in life's relationships. This is the time for you to take care of yourself. Get counseling, or whatever it takes to heal from this R and how to break any co-dependency traits or other issues you may tend to develope in R's.
Btw, forget doing and/or buying anything for her birthday, and have a great vacation WITHOUT her!
Yeah, I realize it will only get better from here on in. She was very giving with her body and emotions but never with her patience or time. I know she can be a sweet, caring, and vulnerable person (at least in social settings)hence why I fell for her so hard.
There were times where she really tried to reach and understand me early on in the relationship and I shut her out. While I recognize the missed opportunities to connect (and how I damaged the relationship in that regard), I know I'm not the sole blame and I do not deserve to be treated this way by anyone. She has some deep seated control and psychological issues she has to overcome and I know I can't do it for her.
When I made change for the better, started doing what she asked, and really tried to open up she started pre-jugding and "gas lighting" me at every turn. Her social circle could do no wrong, but me saying simply "good morning" was a control and manipulation issue in her eyes.
Will I forgive? yes.
Would I take her back if she came back for reconciliation? I know she will come knocking soon (and not just to pick up her things) but the choice to let her back in my life after facing betrayal and severe mistreatment is going to be a tough one for me. I would never do someone this way, but right now in her mind she is justified in any action against me and I am the enemy. When she comes off her anger high, I know the tables will turn.
Do I still love her? absolutely, but I'm still preparing for all out war, especially since I have already filed. I know it will not have to come that and things will reserve course, but I do believe that "eternal vigilance is the price of liberty".
For me, I now feel more in-control of my own well being and environment. Things will work out for the better and will probably completely change around very soon. But I'm keeping my war footing just in case
.
Five,
Why have you filed for D already? Just because she's been angry and demanding you sell all your stuff? Have you found any evidence of an A?
Five,
Why have you filed for D already?
Because it is what she had been saying she "needed" all along since walking out and disappearing. She said divorce was healthy for her and she was tired of being "oppressed". I did it mainly to protect myself and set the tempo because it takes months. I know it will turn around, but right now I'm ready to let it go and have been armoring up for battle.
Just because she's been angry and demanding you sell all your stuff?
Part of her ultimatum was for us to settle out of court or she would "take me to the cleaners" in court. This was a complete 180 from the woman who was planing for the holidays, was looking for a better paying job (much higher than my salary) so we could start planing for a family, and was looking for our next vacation spot.
Have you found any evidence of an A?
I doubt she ever physically cheated on me but if it were true I would suspect it more likely with be with a woman.
I never really cared who she spent her time with (to me that was her business) but I grew tired of her always blowing off responsibilities and promises she made to me and missing important dates for us because she was stringing herself out to be "super-friend", "super-employee", and "mrs.socialite". In the beginning I let it all pass, but towards the end I really began expressing how it made me feel and asking for the behavior to stop, that is when her resentment started building.
Recently several friends and my family remembers have been reaching out to me to not only support me, but also to apologize. Initially I was like "apologize for what, I should be apologizing to them for using up their time." But then is when I started finding out that she has been "poisoning the well" against me for several months. While I kept any marital issues to myself (never sharing them outside of her or clergy/counseling), I now believe that whenever she could not get her way she would run off and malign me by seeking a sympathetic ear from friends, coworkers, and family. That explains the "cold shoulder" and lashing out I started receiving from her friends and family within the past few months.
Despite all this venting and apparent negativity, I'm thankful all of this happened when it did. I have learned a lot from it, really started reconnecting with old friends and family that I lost touch with, and I believe that things are going to make a turn for the best right around the corner.
She will come back, but now I need to know if I'm in a position to accept and trust her. Regardless, I do not want to mistreat her (even inadvertently) in the manner she has done to me. I rather let go than continually punish her, even if she admits to the most sinister deeds possible.
Five,
Why have you filed for D already?
Because it is what she had been saying she "needed" all along since walking out and disappearing. She said divorce was healthy for her and she was tired of being "oppressed". I did it mainly to protect myself and set the tempo because it takes months. I know it will turn around, but right now I'm ready to let it go and have been armoring up for battle.
Just because she's been angry and demanding you sell all your stuff?
Part of her ultimatum was for us to settle out of court or she would "take me to the cleaners" in court. This was a complete 180 from the woman who was planing for the holidays, was looking for a better paying job (much higher than my salary) so we could start planing for a family, and was looking for our next vacation spot.
Have you found any evidence of an A?
I doubt she ever physically cheated on me but if it were true I would suspect it more likely with be with a woman.
I never really cared who she spent her time with (to me that was her business) but I grew tired of her always blowing off responsibilities and promises she made to me and missing important dates for us because she was stringing herself out to be "super-friend", "super-employee", and "mrs.socialite". In the beginning I let it all pass, but towards the end I really began expressing how it made me feel and asking for the behavior to stop, that is when her resentment started building.
Recently several friends and my family remembers have been reaching out to me to not only support me, but also to apologize. Initially I was like "apologize for what, I should be apologizing to them for using up their time." But then is when I started finding out that she has been "poisoning the well" against me for several months. While I kept any marital issues to myself (never sharing them outside of her or clergy/counseling), I now believe that whenever she could not get her way she would run off and malign me by seeking a sympathetic ear from friends, coworkers, and family. That explains the "cold shoulder" and lashing out I started receiving from her friends and family within the past few months.
Despite all this venting and apparent negativity, I'm thankful all of this happened when it did. I have learned a lot from it, really started reconnecting with old friends and family that I lost touch with, and I believe that things are going to make a turn for the best right around the corner.
She will come back, but now I need to know if I'm in a position to accept and trust her. Regardless, I do not want to mistreat her (even inadvertently) in the manner she has done to me. I rather let go than continually punish her, even if she admits to the most sinister deeds possible.
What makes you know this to be true?
What makes you know this to be true?
Which part Lim?
I think Lim was referring to the sentence in bold. Why are you so sure she will come back?
She will come back, but now I need to know if I'm in a position to accept and trust her.
IMHO, the unfaithful S must
earn trust. If she is willing to do the necessary work to save the MR, then a transparency plan should be used, as well as a few more additional things.
My wife was served with the divorce papers by my attorney.
Since walking out she had demanded a divorce and told me that our relationship was no longer healthy.
She already found a place (not telling me where) and once I started backing away and limiting my contact, the ultimatums started coming in. "We need to meet here, so we can discuss X", "I'm not paying any bills this month because I no longer live here", "I need access to the home from X to X time" or the most famous was "Sell everything by X date or I'm filing for divorce!"
Eventually I had enough of the games and just filed.
When I learned she was served I thought she would be thrilled, but instead she was livid. And then came to the home with friends and family intending to get "her half".
However, things did not work out that way. Once I presented a copy of my lawyer's name, number, and the filing I only limited her to get her clothing , any big ticket items were left alone. A lot of her personal items, that I carefully took the time to box up and organize, she rummaged through and left. When it was all done she left in a huff of anger and laughter.
For a woman who claimed to have left me because she feared for her life and found it hard to live with me, kept trying to take every opportunity to follow me around the home try to argue with me(how dare I file against her) and berate me.
Before she stormed out, I thanked her family for coming to help her and asked her friends to look after her.
The experience [censored], but I'm also thankful for it as well. I do not wish her any ill will. I love her dearly, but I also realize I have to save myself and keep to my principles of calmness and forgiveness.
I know it will get better and that miracles can happen. I have gone from dreading the next day to seeing what excitement and weird twist each day can bring.
The strain on my relationship has gotten worse, but my personal life has gotten much better.
Old friends and family, even some people whom married into my family but left due to messy divorces, have been showing up to support me from far and wide. I have been getting words of encouragement, nice letters, visits, the works from friends, family, and colleagues.
It has all been overwhelming because it feels like the aftermath of a funeral, but I'm thankful for all the people, in the dozens, whom have come out to help and support me.
I also came to realize I am not the cause for the recent issues in my marriage and my spouse's actions. It has become clearer to me that I am either dealing with a mentally unstable person, a narcissist who has no use for me, someone that may have done something they are extremely ashamed off and therefore must "blame me" to make themselves feel better, or a combination of the three.
I usually have a plan or a "feeling" for the future, for the first time in my life I have no idea what may happen next. But most importantly, I'm not worried, things will come, and good stuff will happen :-D .
Things have calmed down a bit, I'm starting to get less and less worried about what my former wife is doing and more worried about her soul.
The person I married, vowed to never leave, and said she would always be there for me has turned into full blown angry narcissist that was on a war path after I served her the papers. That day she spent more time insulting and berating me, than she did gathering up her stuff. Perhaps she has mellowed out a few days, but I doubt it because in her mind she is on the side of "right" and her walking out was showing world that she was reclaiming her "life".
I recently went on a short trip out of town at the invitation of friends. It was to do a bunch of bar and club hopping around a nearby city, something that was never my scene but something that my former spouse loves and always complained about missing out on.
The time was not horrible, but I still was lonely and bored out of my mind. What really was a kicker is that I we wound up at a spot across the street from where my wife and I had stopped at the day I purposed. It was surreal as I had not been to that particular part of that city since that day many years ago.
Just sitting back and waiting for my former wife to respond to my divorce filing. Prior to her walking out I had no idea I would be in this position. It is all out of my hands now.
Five,
I just saw your username and fightin's username is a couple of messages down. It reminded me of the band Five for Fighting. I really like their song titled "100 Years." Sorry, I have a username fetish...
LOL doodler. what's my username tell you?! just curious.
cheesyt,
My youngest son devours Cheez-It crackers by the box. Your name always reminds me of him; one of the two sweetest and wonderful boys on the planet. Warm and cuddly feelings.
That's the thing.......it is okay for them to be the one who does the dumping, but heaven forbid if they experience being the one who gets dumped. That's what she's mad about, b/c she wanted to be the one who did the dumping! Crazy? Of course it is!
doodler and cheesyt, you two are nuts, lol!
sandi2, I guess I can sort of see it, but it makes no sense to me because she spent a large chunk of the marriage trying to find anything that was "wrong" to justify vilifying me or looking for a way out.
My thing is if she wanted out so bad she could have just been upfront and honest. Not provoke a friend into trying to fight me and then using it as an excuse to "run".
That is the craziness. There is rationale to their actions or mindset.
Wait for the anger to subside and then expect her to want you back. I went through the same thing. My wife wielded divorce over me and I groveled and stayed passive for a couple years. It was hell. Finally I found my nads one day and said F this, filed myself and had her served. That blew her world up. That was years ago. We're still together. Once she saw how fine I was going to be without her it snapped her out of her stupid temporary insanity and all is well now. Keep your cool. Don't get pulled into any screaming matches. The nuttier she gets the more calm you get. Either way you'll be fine. If she comes back and wants to be a sane person again, cool. If she doesn't then you're better off because she went off the deep end and would just pull you along if you stayed. Staying the course puts you in a win-win situation. Good luck.
Wait for the anger to subside and then expect her to want you back. I went through the same thing. My wife wielded divorce over me and I groveled and stayed passive for a couple years. It was hell. Finally I found my nads one day and said F this, filed myself and had her served. That blew her world up. That was years ago. We're still together. Once she saw how fine I was going to be without her it snapped her out of her stupid temporary insanity and all is well now. Keep your cool. Don't get pulled into any screaming matches. The nuttier she gets the more calm you get. Either way you'll be fine. If she comes back and wants to be a sane person again, cool. If she doesn't then you're better off because she went off the deep end and would just pull you along if you stayed. Staying the course puts you in a win-win situation. Good luck.
You are right, but the more time goes on, the more I come to realize how horrible, shallow, and vain of a person she is.
What type of person puts down their spouse, leaves them, and then goes ape when they give them what they are asking for?
What type of person threatens and makes up false allegations of abuse (really burns me up because of all the those victims) just to gain popularity and sympathy?
In my book it takes a really vile person to do such a thing, I'm no angel as I know I had a deep overbearing/pleasing dependency. I could accept my wife's flaws but her actions are beyond a mid-life crisis or a fling in my book. They seem just plain sick, and I'm actually afraid to be near her.
Wait for the anger to subside and then expect her to want you back. I went through the same thing. My wife wielded divorce over me and I groveled and stayed passive for a couple years. It was hell. Finally I found my nads one day and said F this, filed myself and had her served. That blew her world up. That was years ago. We're still together. Once she saw how fine I was going to be without her it snapped her out of her stupid temporary insanity and all is well now. Keep your cool. Don't get pulled into any screaming matches. The nuttier she gets the more calm you get. Either way you'll be fine. If she comes back and wants to be a sane person again, cool. If she doesn't then you're better off because she went off the deep end and would just pull you along if you stayed. Staying the course puts you in a win-win situation. Good luck.
You are right, but the more time goes on, the more I come to realize how horrible, shallow, and vain of a person she is.
What type of person puts down their spouse, leaves them, and then goes ape when they give them what they are asking for?
What type of person threatens and makes up false allegations of abuse (really burns me up because of all the those victims) just to gain popularity and sympathy?
In my book it takes a really vile person to do such a thing, I'm no angel as I know I had a deep overbearing/pleasing dependency. I could accept my wife's flaws but her actions are beyond a mid-life crisis or a fling in my book. They seem just plain sick, and I'm actually afraid to be near her.
The fact that you're starting to see her more objectively means you're really detaching and not just faking it. That's good. That put's you in control of your own life and gives you strength and power to make smarter decisions for yourself regarding your M.
I thought you said you blamed her for your unhappiness. What did you do to her in those cases?
That is the craziness. There is rationale to their actions or mindset.
Should have been, "There is
no rationale to their actions or mindset". She is operating strictly on what her emotions dictate.
What type of person puts down their spouse, leaves them, and then goes ape when they give them what they are asking for?
What type of person threatens and makes up false allegations of abuse (really burns me up because of all the those victims) just to gain popularity and sympathy?
I'm trying to tell you what kind.
Why did you truly file for a divorce? Is it b/c you are in the habit of doing whatever she says she wants?
Now that you have filed, and after describing her as vile.........are you done with her?
Wait for the anger to subside and then expect her to want you back. I went through the same thing. My wife wielded divorce over me and I groveled and stayed passive for a couple years. It was hell. Finally I found my nads one day and said F this, filed myself and had her served. That blew her world up. That was years ago. We're still together. Once she saw how fine I was going to be without her it snapped her out of her stupid temporary insanity and all is well now. Keep your cool. Don't get pulled into any screaming matches. The nuttier she gets the more calm you get. Either way you'll be fine. If she comes back and wants to be a sane person again, cool. If she doesn't then you're better off because she went off the deep end and would just pull you along if you stayed. Staying the course puts you in a win-win situation. Good luck.
You are right, but the more time goes on, the more I come to realize how horrible, shallow, and vain of a person she is.
What type of person puts down their spouse, leaves them, and then goes ape when they give them what they are asking for?
What type of person threatens and makes up false allegations of abuse (really burns me up because of all the those victims) just to gain popularity and sympathy?
In my book it takes a really vile person to do such a thing, I'm no angel as I know I had a deep overbearing/pleasing dependency. I could accept my wife's flaws but her actions are beyond a mid-life crisis or a fling in my book. They seem just plain sick, and I'm actually afraid to be near her.
The fact that you're starting to see her more objectively means you're really detaching and not just faking it. That's good. That put's you in control of your own life and gives you strength and power to make smarter decisions for yourself regarding your M.
As far as I am concerned we have no marriage. I'm going to do anything stupid or reckless, until it is finalized (which can take a year+) but once I "sobered up" from the shock when all the rumors, lies, and stories started rolling in from mutual friends and friends about things she accused me of, I considered myself to be single and she to not exist.
The kicker is the "princess" always complained that I never gave her what she wanted, never allowed herself to be "her", and tried to crush her dreams. In the end I gave her what she had been demanding since walking out, a divorce. But when she was hit with her walking papers she went through the roof
.
P.S., she further threw a tantrum when I had the rest of her things boxed up and put into storage. I got an angry message saying I was making a mockery of our marriage in front of god and the courts
You would think I married some teenage drama queen, but actually we are both nearing the end of our 30s.
I thought you said you blamed her for your unhappiness. What did you do to her in those cases?
She said I did, but that is thing I always tried to be mindful of so I tried my hardest not to do such. Due to her extreme control issues and insecurity, if I did not react in a way she wanted, she would have melt downs, in some cases bad ones where she got destructive or I had to hold her while she cried.
Initially when she did do something to make me upset and angry (usually "gaslighting", making a demand I felt was unreasonable and then her pouting about it, or not following through with a promise). I would withdraw, she would pursue, I would get frustrated, she would then get angry, then it would be wash, rinse, and repeat until someone would get frustrated enough to give up.
Eventually through couples counseling I started identifying the my feelings and short comings(openly) and what I perceived to be her poor behavior/treatment towards me. Sometimes I completely misinterpreted her actions and was flat wrong, sometimes I was right on the money. Regardless, my then goal was to identify where the screw up was (and my contribution to it), learn from it, and then move on. At first things mellowed out but as time progressed I noticed she began to get angrier and more resentful after each session. In her words she said she felt like she was always "losing".
Our relationship went from only her emoting and talking about herself, to me being overwhelmed by all her emotional dumping, then to me feeling comfortable enough to share and actually seeking ways to have a conversation going. The more emotive I became and the more our therapist reached out to her in regards to her feelings/past (not just letting her dominate conversation), the colder and angrier she got, sometimes storming out of session.
Eventually I realized that everything I was "sharing" with her in confidence was being shared with her circle of friends, family, co-workers, etc in an effort to make me the bad guy.
In the weeks leading up to her walkout, she suddenly did a 180. She went from cold, angry, resentful to nice again but always had a reason to be away from home. Furthermore her demanding nature was back, but this time it was with a "smile".
The night she did her "walk out" she did break a few things in the home in her "rush" to get away. (I was away and when I returned it was like a twister came through). Her story; we fought, she was afraid, and had to flee.
In the coming weeks after she would make excuses to come by the home to pick up something minor (a coffee pot)or try to engage me in conversation alone (always had family or friend present when I knew she was coming by). What I found really odd was in the beginning she or a friend would camp out and surveil the home (caught her on our security cam at least once) and when I mentioned it to her in passing (never actually saying it was her) and all of a sudden the strange cars camped out near our home disappeared.
Been hard with the holidays coming up, which was both are favorite time of year. Will see how it goes...
I'm sorry you are going through this! Your situation sounds similar to mine. I wasn't there enough or showed her love. After they leave we realize it and are told it's too late. I'm new but all I can say is keep positive.
That is the craziness. There is rationale to their actions or mindset.
Should have been, "There is
no rationale to their actions or mindset". She is operating strictly on what her emotions dictate.
What type of person puts down their spouse, leaves them, and then goes ape when they give them what they are asking for?
What type of person threatens and makes up false allegations of abuse (really burns me up because of all the those victims) just to gain popularity and sympathy?
I'm trying to tell you what kind.
Why did you truly file for a divorce? Is it b/c you are in the habit of doing whatever she says she wants?
Now that you have filed, and after describing her as vile.........are you done with her?
I do not know Sandi2, I know the contested divorce process takes a long time. She wanted a quickie "no fault" divorce. The main reason I filed was due to financial reasons. It was supposed to have stopped her from trying to quickly liquidate assets/accounts (which she tried), from walking out on our joint debt, and just " disappearing" till she found herself.
My main worries now are the bills, she left, refused to tell me where she was, and had a plan to just "go live life" while leaving me with all of the financial burdens. Hence I filed and I also sued her looking for relief from the courts (something akin to alimony).
Do I miss her, yes. But I also think she is one of the most disgusting human beings since Hitler, hence why I can't even bring myself to think of her at times.
I worked hard to build us a home, help her finish school (both of us have professional jobs and educations), and purchase things she wanted and liked. When she began to obsess about kids and would get jealous/sad of friends who started having kids, I started working hard in that area too (right up until she walked out).
Last time I saw her, she was leaving our home in a rage of emotion after coming out of "hiding" to pick up some of her junk. Her behavior (and rants) is how I figured out my lawyer hit her with the papers (probably wasn't the best idea to request to have her served at work in front of colleagues
)
Thinking back on it, I should have called the sheriff due to her eractic and angry behavior (which actually scared me at times). But I wasn't trying to antogoize and just wanted her to get her stuff and go.
It has been real quiet, eeriely quiet since then. Not a single shred of evidence regarding contact or some type of retaliation from her (does not make a lick of sense to me because she is someone that is obsessed with her image and is very temperamental).
I miss her at times but I also know that someone who loves you is not supposed to put you through constant fear, worry, and hurt. I was devastated when she left, but I had no choice but to ante up because I realized that "princess"was trying to railroad me after first using me up.
I do not know what the DR book says about a marriage that has gone thermonuclear.
Your situation isn't the worst. However, you haven't been practicing DR and as a result, all the anger, resentment and hatred you have now are a result of it. So since you hate your wife so much, go ahead and speed things along. I mean from your tone, you certainly wouldn't shed a tear if she was found dead in a ditch somewhere.
Your situation isn't the worst. However, you haven't been practicing DR and as a result, all the anger, resentment and hatred you have now are a result of it. So since you hate your wife so much, go ahead and speed things along. I mean from your tone, you certainly wouldn't shed a tear if she was found dead in a ditch somewhere.
Hi MrBond, I am not sure I follow. I have no hatred towards her, I only took actions to protect myself legally and financially. Trying to look back at it and find the humor, despite all the chaos, threats, false allegations from her, threats from her close friends, and erratic behavior is what has kept me going.
I have spent several weeks scraping along and looking for a 2nd job to make ends meet. I should have acted sooner, but I was stunned and spent the first few weeks angonizing and sad. I had (have) no idea where she was, why she would abruptly curse/hang up on during calls, and why she sent me nothing but rambling and acusatory messages after leaving.
The more I tried to be positive and asked for clarification, the angrier and more accusatory she got. Eventually when I lessened my responses from being overwhelmed, she started impatiently demanding money, property, and divorce.
I realize my own unhealthy dependency on her and how I contributed to issues. The way I perceive how she treated me was the way I allowed myself to be treated and a result of the environment I helped create.
Again, my goal has been to get myself through this the best way I can. I have to accept that I probably ignored some signs in the months leading up to this. That had been planing this and that she has a deep issue I can not fix.
All of sudden she had money issues as suddenly her job of several years started incorrectly depositing her paychecks into the wrong accounts one month prior to her "craziness". Her seething anger that started showing up in and after traditional counseling should have been something I caught on to as well.
It is funny you say I do not care what happens to her. When I was packing up the home I came across something that truly hurt me. It was her "wishing" vile harm on me with the end result happening in a manor similar to what you describe above.
Did you actually read DB or DR?
Did you actually read DB or DR?
I have read DR.
Then what have you actually changed? I see you GAL and still blame your wife for your unhappiness. All of your focus and posts are of her. Based on DR, what were your goals towards improving things with your W?
Wait for the anger to subside and then expect her to want you back. I went through the same thing. My wife wielded divorce over me and I groveled and stayed passive for a couple years. It was hell. Finally I found my nads one day and said F this, filed myself and had her served. That blew her world up. That was years ago. We're still together. Once she saw how fine I was going to be without her it snapped her out of her stupid temporary insanity and all is well now. Keep your cool. Don't get pulled into any screaming matches. The nuttier she gets the more calm you get. Either way you'll be fine. If she comes back and wants to be a sane person again, cool. If she doesn't then you're better off because she went off the deep end and would just pull you along if you stayed. Staying the course puts you in a win-win situation. Good luck.
You are right, but the more time goes on, the more I come to realize how horrible, shallow, and vain of a person she is.
What type of person puts down their spouse, leaves them, and then goes ape when they give them what they are asking for?
What type of person threatens and makes up false allegations of abuse (really burns me up because of all the those victims) just to gain popularity and sympathy?
In my book it takes a really vile person to do such a thing, I'm no angel as I know I had a deep overbearing/pleasing dependency. I could accept my wife's flaws but her actions are beyond a mid-life crisis or a fling in my book. They seem just plain sick, and I'm actually afraid to be near her.
I think this is what mrbond is referring to. I would agree with him. You sound as if you want out more than she does. So why not pull the trigger?
Then what have you actually changed?
For me the two "SS's" surviving and spirituality. Initially I begged and pleaded, then tried to bargain, and eventually became depressed. My survival instincts have kicked back in and my main focus is keeping my lights on, myself safe, and my home out of foreclosure. In addition, I'm trying to balance home repair (I no longer have time to DIY), while also taking care of elderly parents.
Before she left my spirituality was in the gutter and I was estranged from a lot of friends and family. After her leaving those areas have improved, those are the two bright spots.
I see you GAL and still blame your wife for your unhappiness. All of your focus and posts are of her.
I'm trying to work on the hurt and towards forgiveness. I'm more hurt by the false accusations, the threats, betrayal, and her destructive behavior. I also blame myself for being "conned" and "blind" for so long, it will probably take me longer to get over losing myself than her lying, hiding money, at least one probable affair (that I know of), and the vandalism. In the end I have accept my own foolishness and naiveté.
Based on DR, what were your goals towards improving things with your W?
Initially my goals were to improve myself and show that I could forgive (GAL but leave the door open for her come back). I even signed up for three telephone sessions with a coach. But as I started recovering from the shock, more and more things started filtering back to me from friends and family regarding her words, actions, and behavior. She also got meaner, more impatient, and nastier in her emails/contact with me as time progressed.
As it stands now I'm not sure there is much I can do at this point regarding any relationship improvement with her. If contact or feelings of trust with/in her were numbers, I would be at -85 at this point.
I have not seen or spoken to her since her last tornado of a visit a while ago, right after she came to rant and scream at me for filing and for not going along with her "plan". The only thing I could do is just sit there emotionless and numb as she threw a fit in our front yard.
I miss her dearly at times but then the resentment and anger builds back up and I'm not sure if I can even begin to talk to her due to all the betrayal.
I'm preparing for the worst but praying for the best.
I think this is what mrbond is referring to. I would agree with him. You sound as if you want out more than she does. So why not pull the trigger?
I did, I filed for divorce a while ago; however, my claim/case is still being reviewed. I did not want to do it, but after she started demanded "more and more" and really started piling on the accusations of abuse I sought out legal counsel.
My not giving her cash, selling the home using an agent she found, and giving her the expensive furniture was being "abusive" in her book. In addition, she kept looming a divorce filing over my head because I was not reacting and going along with her fast enough.
Not sure where her thirst for instant money all of sudden came from after her walking out. She has rich parents, rich friends, and we did alright with our combined income (money was no object to her, while a constant worry to me).
I came from poor working class background and am mentally preparing myself to go back to "sleeping on couches" and working odd jobs again if need be. That and prayer are really the only things I can do right now.