Hello everyone,
Honestly, I'm not sure how to start or what to say, as this is my first post here. I guess I can start with some back story.
My wife and I first met when we were 12. We instantly hit it off, and ended up "dating" for a while (you know, kid stuff). Well, a few years later, she moved across state, and I thought I'd never see her again. Throughout my teens, I dated quite a few people. Developed relationships, tried to find love, etc. I found myself comparing every single relationship to "the one that got away", and realized that I had already found love in someone that was no longer in my life. I realized that I had actually loved her since I was 12, and thought I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Well, one day when I was 19 or 20, I ended up drinking a lot to get my courage up, and I messaged her. I poured my heart out and told her how I've felt for those years. She told me she felt the same way, and we instantly hit it off again. After a few months of the long-distance thing, I moved across state to be with her. We've been together ever since. I've fallen more and more in love with her with every passing day. We've now been married for 5 years. We have a daughter together, and I adopted her son several years ago. I love him like he's my own.
Well, roughly 1.5-2 months ago, she told me she wanted a divorce. She said she no longer loves me, and doesn't want to be miserable for the rest of her life. This was a complete shock to me, as I thought we were doing great. Turns out, she's extremely good at pretending like nothing is wrong. She definitely had me fooled. I've tried to find out what happened to us, but she says it's only the little things that added up to be a huge problem she can no longer ignore. Things like I didn't do housework often enough, or I played video games too often. Small things like that. During this time, I have tried to change everything. I no longer play video games at all, and I did everything around the house so she wouldn't have to lift a finger. She says it doesn't change how she feels.
So two weeks ago, she kicked me out of the house. I had to move back with my parents, because I have no where else to go. I've tried asking for counseling, and her exact words were "I don't want to fix this, I don't love you, and nothing is ever going to change that."
I'm completely devastated. I'm broken, and I don't know what to do.
In these past 2 weeks, I think I've broken every single one of Sandi2's 37 rules.
Also, I found out that she's been talking to another guy, who is semi-local to us. He's about an hour away. Since 9/30/16, they have exchanged 9500 text messages, 250+ photos, have spent hours on the phone together every day, and also have driven the hour to spend time with each other. It also turns out that he is married as well.
I'm completely broken, but I want nothing more than to win her back.
Is there any hope at all for us, or will I end up in an even worse situation if I keep trying?
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Consider this your homework.
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Hello WNT -
Im sorry you find yourself here.
Id start by reading as much as you can from the HW post Cadet linked.
Then Id look at this sentence here.
Id work on figuring out what it will take to fix yourself.
You may also consider reading the 5 love languages. Sounds like your W is keen on Acts of Service (housework) and Quality Time (video games). Doesnt mean to apply them to her NOW, but it will help you get a better understanding on what it means to love and be loved, I think.
I poured my heart out and told her how I've felt for those years. She told me she felt the same way, and we instantly hit it off again.
WntHope,
Was you wife married back when you poured your heart out to her? I'm not making any judgements; if she was married at the time, it'd imply a modus operandi.
Welcome my friend,
I feel for you, I really do. I'm new here too and only 6 weeks down the line from my W walking away.
I cant really comment on your situation myself as I'm still trying to find my own feet, but work on yourself, concentrate on your children and try not to read too much into what she says.
Try not to over analyze too much (much harder than it sounds, believe me). But above all else, be kind to yourself!
Thank you Cadet. I will look into those links, and order the book to read.
Thank you. I will absolutely be looking at the links Cadet provided.
I don't know what to do to fix myself. It's probably common, but I'm completely depressed, and have been having anxiety attacks. I have no interests anymore, and I feel no emotion. It's like my mind shut everything off so I stop crying all the time.
I have been considering both the original 5 and the 5 for men just to try and get some insight.
No, we were both single. We're both 27, and have been each other's Only marriage.
I'm sorry your situation is so new as well.
I have been focusing on the kids, but I can't focus on myself because, frankly, I just don't care about myself right now. It's going to take time for that.
I overanalyze everything. I never used to, but these last 2 months have changed me. I'm obsessive, paranoid, distraught, destroyed. I'm doing things I KNOW I should absolutely not be doing (reading her emails, checking the phone bill logs for texts and calls, etc. etc.) but I can't stop doing them because then my brain goes nuts.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
As hard as it is right now, take a deep breath and keep calm. It's like swimming in quicksand. When you start to panic, you start to sink faster. Get a copy of the DB or DR books right away.
You mentioned that she has a son. Was this from a previous M or just a relationship? What happened to that relationship?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
I have only accessed this site on my laptop, which is always with me. So she won't be able to see it.
I don't plan on revealing that I've been seeking help and advice on how to deal with everything she's put me through, and ultimately win her love back.
As hard as it is right now, take a deep breath and keep calm. It's like swimming in quicksand. When you start to panic, you start to sink faster. Get a copy of the DB or DR books right away.
You mentioned that she has a son. Was this from a previous M or just a relationship? What happened to that relationship?
I'm actually ordering on Amazon as I type this.
Previous relationship. He bailed after the child was 2 months old, never saw him again. He was abusive, and just a terrible person in general. Never even showed up to the adoption hearing.
I have placed my order for both The Divorce Remedy, and Divorce Busting. I also ordered The 5 Love Languages, as well as The 5 Love Languages: For Men.
I'm hoping these books will give me the insight I need, but I still have the question of if it's salvageable, especially with her being obsessed with this new guy. She says they're "perfect" for each other, and work really well together, but they both don't want a relationship while they're both still legally married. I honestly don't believe her, and I fear a relationship has already started between them. It's only been 2 weeks into our separation, so I don't understand any of this.
Well. We talked again this morning when I went over to the house to get the kids ready for school.
She told me she's in love with this guy she's been talking to, and they've been physical.
I wish I had known that before spending 50$ on books that are supposed to help win her back.
I feel completely terrible, destroyed, and betrayed. They've only known each other for 2.5 weeks... I don't understand any of this.
WntHope, hang in there!
all the information that comes out in the beginning of separation is going to be hard. try to stay busy and not think about it (I know it's incredibly hard)
((hugs))
I get that (the checking). You know its wrong and deep down you know that you're not going to find anything that you want to see. I did some of the same and saw only half a story and then over analysed everything and ended up at a conclusion that was so far off the mark! Try and stop doing this, this is what I mean by being kind to your self.
Focusing on the kids is the best thing you can do (try and take a positive that you still have access to them - there are some that have to fight to get what we have).
Concentrating on yourself is very difficult. I have massive guilt and regret issues. I was also so codependent on my W. Its difficult, but do try. Ensure you eat and try and sleep as best you can.
Take advise from friends and family with a pinch of salt - they will want to help you (b/c they care), but unless they've been through this, they won't know how you feel.
Post here - even just to get things off your chest.
Chin-up and keep on trying.
I have been focusing on the kids, but I can't focus on myself because, frankly, I just don't care about myself right now. It's going to take time for that.
Theres no time like the present. Stop making excuses and starting doing things that will:
- bring back your confidence
- take your mind off of what WW is/might be doing
- help you to meet new people and do new things
Do not wait on this. Its far too important.
I overanalyze everything. I never used to, but these last 2 months have changed me. I'm obsessive, paranoid, distraught, destroyed. I'm doing things I KNOW I should absolutely not be doing (reading her emails, checking the phone bill logs for texts and calls, etc. etc.) but I can't stop doing them because then my brain goes nuts.
Think about this from WW's perspective. Why would she want to be with someone thats those things? You need to take the time to re-find who you are as a man. Now, at least, you know, and you dont have to keep checking those logs.
She told me she's in love with this guy she's been talking to, and they've been physical.
I wish I had known that before spending 50$ on books that are supposed to help win her back.
Im sorry to hear that the situation has gone this way.
That said, I would STRONGLY advise you to read those books anyway. Even if it doesnt save this marriage, it will benefit you tremendously in future relationships with your current W or whomever.
If it's any consolation, there are a number of people who have saved their marriages here even when there was another person involved. But only you can determined how strong you will be during this period.
WntHope, hang in there!
all the information that comes out in the beginning of separation is going to be hard. try to stay busy and not think about it (I know it's incredibly hard)
((hugs))
Thanks. You're right. It's ridiculously hard. I don't know why she's doing this. She has lied to me constantly, saying she didn't want to be alone, and she wasn't pursuing anything with anyone, but then today I find this out...
I get that (the checking). You know its wrong and deep down you know that you're not going to find anything that you want to see. I did some of the same and saw only half a story and then over analysed everything and ended up at a conclusion that was so far off the mark! Try and stop doing this, this is what I mean by being kind to your self.
Focusing on the kids is the best thing you can do (try and take a positive that you still have access to them - there are some that have to fight to get what we have).
Concentrating on yourself is very difficult. I have massive guilt and regret issues. I was also so codependent on my W. Its difficult, but do try. Ensure you eat and try and sleep as best you can.
Take advise from friends and family with a pinch of salt - they will want to help you (b/c they care), but unless they've been through this, they won't know how you feel.
Post here - even just to get things off your chest.
Chin-up and keep on trying.
I'm definitely focusing on my kids, I love them more than life.
As for the checking of things, I have definitely slowed down. I used to check every hour or two, but now I check like once a day, so I know it's slowly going to get to the point where I don't check at all anymore.
I was 100% co-dependent on my wife. She was my world. She was my best friend, the person I told all my secrets to, the person I went to when I was upset or angry or lost or anything. It's SO hard not to talk to her all day every day.
My friends are hit and miss with their advice. Some are super angry at her and are telling me I should just go find someone else like she did. Some are sympathetic, but don't get it because they've never experienced it. I keep hearing "with time it will get better" and "just move on, she's not worth it". It's not helping, and it's getting annoying, but every time someone who knows sees me, they ask about it. So I can't just shut them out and risk losing them too.
I have been focusing on the kids, but I can't focus on myself because, frankly, I just don't care about myself right now. It's going to take time for that.
Theres no time like the present. Stop making excuses and starting doing things that will:
- bring back your confidence
- take your mind off of what WW is/might be doing
- help you to meet new people and do new things
Do not wait on this. Its far too important.
I overanalyze everything. I never used to, but these last 2 months have changed me. I'm obsessive, paranoid, distraught, destroyed. I'm doing things I KNOW I should absolutely not be doing (reading her emails, checking the phone bill logs for texts and calls, etc. etc.) but I can't stop doing them because then my brain goes nuts.
Think about this from WW's perspective. Why would she want to be with someone thats those things? You need to take the time to re-find who you are as a man. Now, at least, you know, and you dont have to keep checking those logs.
I've been trying to take my mind off things. It's just hard. My mind is active all the time. Last night, I was having a great dream, and then I found myself in the state of not asleep but not awake, still having the great dream, but now with a narration monologue about everything I was thinking about throughout the day. So I can't even escape it with sleep anymore.
I want to find something that makes me happy. Unfortunately, the only thing I've found is the bottom of a bottle. Drinking numbs me, and allows me to stop thinking, so I've been drinking a lot more lately. But hey, at least I'm enjoying my surroundings and time with my friends when I'm inebriated.
I wasn't finished with that last post, and I don't see an edit option.
But about her perspective, I know she sees me as crazy. I know she thinks I'm stalking her. I know she thinks I invaded her privacy. But I had a reason to, obviously. I honestly don't care if I made her feel bad because of it. She told me it's my fault because I went through the cell phone bill and found out. Sorry that I ruined your attempt to hide your affair.
Im sorry to hear that the situation has gone this way.
That said, I would STRONGLY advise you to read those books anyway. Even if it doesnt save this marriage, it will benefit you tremendously in future relationships with your current W or whomever.
Trust me, I will still read them, and hopefully they give me a way to let go and move on, but I was just mad that they're no longer going to work for the reason I bought them.
If it's any consolation, there are a number of people who have saved their marriages here even when there was another person involved. But only you can determined how strong you will be during this period.
Really? Even with the one who walked away in love with someone else? I just don't see us coming back from this, and I'm so scared.
"Really? Even with the one who walked away in love with someone else? I just don't see us coming back from this, and I'm so scared."
My W was in love with someone and came back. There are a bunch of stories here that show the same.
"Really? Even with the one who walked away in love with someone else? I just don't see us coming back from this, and I'm so scared."
My W was in love with someone and came back. There are a bunch of stories here that show the same.
That gives me some hope. If you don't mind me asking, how long was the whole process? She originally wanted to file for divorce after Christmas, but today she told me she was going to file way sooner cause I mentioned us still being legally married when she told me it was none of my business who she's with and what she's doing with them.
"but I was just mad that they're no longer going to work for the reason I bought them."
What do you mean by that? You bought them to save your M right? Pretty pessimistic for a guy who just started. That's the fear talking. Get over it.
It took over 3 years for things to START getting good between my W and I. First thing to do is get rid of your fear. Patience is key.
Its good to see that you have slowed down. Next step is to STOP all together. I've been there, I know how hard it is - you feel that its the only remaining connection to her. But she is right, it is an invasion of her privacy. You're not going to see anything positive and it'll consume you.
I was (still am) co-dependent also, and I understand your pain. Everything, you're whole life revolved around your W - reach out to your friends and family and try and gain a better sense of who you are.
Try not to hit the bottle - numbing the pain will only mask it. You need to try and process it and work through the issues. You have to live the rest of your life as you and you need to learn to be ok with who you are.
"its time to move on", "time will heal everything", yes I agree, comments that don't really help at the moment. But they are sentiments that are said by people who care. Think about it, what COULD they say that would be positive?... People don't know what to say to you, they want to make things better, but no-one has a crystal ball and no-one knows how this will pan out (even you).
Keep your chin up and continue to concentrate on your kids, then when you feel you can, edge more into working on you (b/c the kids will pick up on your low mood). Little by little my friend.
Keep your head held high and deal with one day at a time.
"but I was just mad that they're no longer going to work for the reason I bought them."
What do you mean by that? You bought them to save your M right? Pretty pessimistic for a guy who just started. That's the fear talking. Get over it.
It took over 3 years for things to START getting good between my W and I. First thing to do is get rid of your fear. Patience is key.
Yes I bought them to save my marriage. But the way she's acting, and things she's said make me think she will never come around.
Yes, I am just starting out with this stuff. Of course I'm pessimistic. Honestly, I don't think she ever loved me. I think she was with me because she needed me around. For the first several years we were together, I was the sole provider. Now she has a job making way more than I do, and she's realized she doesn't need me anymore so magically she doesn't love me anymore and kicked me out. So, honestly, pessimism and negativity are all that's in my head right now.
Its good to see that you have slowed down. Next step is to STOP all together. I've been there, I know how hard it is - you feel that its the only remaining connection to her. But she is right, it is an invasion of her privacy. You're not going to see anything positive and it'll consume you.
I was (still am) co-dependent also, and I understand your pain. Everything, you're whole life revolved around your W - reach out to your friends and family and try and gain a better sense of who you are.
Try not to hit the bottle - numbing the pain will only mask it. You need to try and process it and work through the issues. You have to live the rest of your life as you and you need to learn to be ok with who you are.
"its time to move on", "time will heal everything", yes I agree, comments that don't really help at the moment. But they are sentiments that are said by people who care. Think about it, what COULD they say that would be positive?... People don't know what to say to you, they want to make things better, but no-one has a crystal ball and no-one knows how this will pan out (even you).
Keep your chin up and continue to concentrate on your kids, then when you feel you can, edge more into working on you (b/c the kids will pick up on your low mood). Little by little my friend.
Keep your head held high and deal with one day at a time.
I do plan on stopping the checking of things. One thing I cannot stop is the reading of her emails. She sent an email to my son's teacher, saying that i purposely didn't give him his adhd medicine just because I knew it would make her nights harder. I have to keep checking the emails, because I want to make sure she doesn't say more lies that could prevent me from seeing my children. As far as the phone bill goes, I will try not to look anymore at that.
Yeah, everything revolved around her in my life. It's so hard, but I am reaching out to friends and trying to find a sense of who I am again.
I don't drink because I don't like myself. I'm a confident guy. I drink because of what she did to me, and because it stops me from obsessing about it.
I'm not upset with people saying those things. I know they care about me, and I know they see how badly I'm hurting and want to help. It just [censored] hearing those things all the time.
My kids have always been my number 1 focus. And they will continue to be.
I've been trying to take my mind off things. It's just hard. My mind is active all the time. Last night, I was having a great dream, and then I found myself in the state of not asleep but not awake, still having the great dream, but now with a narration monologue about everything I was thinking about throughout the day. So I can't even escape it with sleep anymore.
Yeah, the dreams thing [censored]. Ive been divorced for a while, separated even longer, and I still occasionally have dreams about my ex.
I want to find something that makes me happy. Unfortunately, the only thing I've found is the bottom of a bottle. Drinking numbs me, and allows me to stop thinking, so I've been drinking a lot more lately. But hey, at least I'm enjoying my surroundings and time with my friends when I'm inebriated.
I would advise to knock this off. Going through the rest of your life numb from the alcohol isnt great for you. It can also negatively impact the custody discussions. Consider if your W never comes back. How do you want to live your life?
I guess my question/point is that time itself wont heal you. Only you can do that.So what are you going to do?
I wasn't finished with that last post, and I don't see an edit option.
But about her perspective, I know she sees me as crazy. I know she thinks I'm stalking her. I know she thinks I invaded her privacy. But I had a reason to, obviously. I honestly don't care if I made her feel bad because of it. She told me it's my fault because I went through the cell phone bill and found out. Sorry that I ruined your attempt to hide your affair.
I was more referring to this:
"I'm obsessive, paranoid, distraught, destroyed."These arent typically traits you want in a partner. If they describe you, then why would she want to come back? So how can you change these behaviors and personality traits?
So, honestly, pessimism and negativity are all that's in my head right now.
This is kinda my point. You have value as a person, as a father, as a man. You need to find your own life outside of WW. PMA is so important.
I really think thats where you need to focus at the start.
I've been trying to take my mind off things. It's just hard. My mind is active all the time. Last night, I was having a great dream, and then I found myself in the state of not asleep but not awake, still having the great dream, but now with a narration monologue about everything I was thinking about throughout the day. So I can't even escape it with sleep anymore.
Yeah, the dreams thing [censored]. Ive been divorced for a while, separated even longer, and I still occasionally have dreams about my ex.
I want to find something that makes me happy. Unfortunately, the only thing I've found is the bottom of a bottle. Drinking numbs me, and allows me to stop thinking, so I've been drinking a lot more lately. But hey, at least I'm enjoying my surroundings and time with my friends when I'm inebriated.
I would advise to knock this off. Going through the rest of your life numb from the alcohol isnt great for you. It can also negatively impact the custody discussions. Consider if your W never comes back. How do you want to live your life?
I guess my question/point is that time itself wont heal you. Only you can do that.So what are you going to do?
I'm hoping the dreams stop with time.
I never had planned on drinking all the time for the rest of my life. I used to drink before this, I'm just drinking a bit more often now, but that will pass as well.
[quote=darknesI was more referring to this:
"I'm obsessive, paranoid, distraught, destroyed."
These arent typically traits you want in a partner. If they describe you, then why would she want to come back? So how can you change these behaviors and personality traits? [/quote]
That's fair. You're right. I wouldn't want to be with someone obsessive, paranoid, and destroyed either. I understand. I've been working on letting go. I don't check the phone records anymore. I don't constantly wonder what she's doing or who she's with or anything.
This is kinda my point. You have value as a person, as a father, as a man. You need to find your own life outside of WW. PMA is so important.
I really think thats where you need to focus at the start.
Yeah, my self worth is pretty low right now. But I'm sure it will eventually come back.
I'll try to have a more positive attitude and maybe it'll will help.
wnthope, not super healthy to be drinking so much.
can't lie, I drink more often too. Most of the time I go to the bar after work, just to have something to do. Have a drink or two. Talk to random people (so not like me)
I do think the dreams will stop with time. time is our biggest friend. and patience.
keep busy!
The one thing that has made me mad today, more than anything else so far, is last night, this guy she's "in love with" spent the afternoon with her and my kids. They played, took them to the park, ate dinner with them, the whole nine yards.
She agreed yesterday to not bring him around the kids. But yet, I had to find this out from my son (no, I did not ask him. After I woke him up, he said "Mom's new friend is cool" so that's how I found out)
She said she's also already planning a future with him...
I'm just so angry. All the time. She's happy, and with someone new, and everything is going great for her, and I'm over here seething with rage over everything she's been doing.
wnthope, not super healthy to be drinking so much.
can't lie, I drink more often too. Most of the time I go to the bar after work, just to have something to do. Have a drink or two. Talk to random people (so not like me)
I do think the dreams will stop with time. time is our biggest friend. and patience.
keep busy!
I think I may be giving off the wrong impression. I don't drink all day every day. But instead of going out and drinking 2-3 times a month, now, I drink 5-6 times a month (if taking into account how much I drank in these 2 weeks.
So honestly, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and it's changed my perspective. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, and I don't know if it's temporary or not.
But with everything going on with the other guy she's seeing, and everything she's put me through lately, I've sort of given up. I've let go of all my feelings and sadness. I've been happy, and while it's nice to be happy, I'm not sure if I should be this soon.
I know deep in my heart I still love her, but it feels like I don't care about this situation anymore. Is that normal?
But with everything going on with the other guy she's seeing, and everything she's put me through lately, I've sort of given up. I've let go of all my feelings and sadness. I've been happy, and while it's nice to be happy, I'm not sure if I should be this soon.
I know deep in my heart I still love her, but it feels like I don't care about this situation anymore. Is that normal?
WntHope,
In my opinion, it's very normal. When you start seeing things from a different perspective (i.e. you no longer need to have your WW) you really begin to detach. Your LBS fog is beginning to clear. Some people never seem to get to that point and others get there quickly. I wouldn't let that bother you; just keep working on yourself and roll with the punches. You'll be able to make better decisions as the LBS fog clears away.
WntHope,
In my opinion, it's very normal. When you start seeing things from a different perspective (i.e. you no longer need to have your WW) you really begin to detach. Your LBS fog is beginning to clear. Some people never seem to get to that point and others get there quickly. I wouldn't let that bother you; just keep working on yourself and roll with the punches. You'll be able to make better decisions as the LBS fog clears away.
Yeah, I think what scared me was it happened so quickly. It really does feel nice to not worry, or obsess anymore. I really do think I can now work on myself without holding myself back.
So, other than working on myself, what do I do now? Part of me wants to let her go, part of me wants her back, all of me still loves her.
Your feeling of "peace" will be short-lived. Trust me, your emotions will go through many more ups and downs before you achieve real peace. It's why they call it a roller-coaster. So what have you been doing to make yourself a better person?
Your feeling of "peace" will be short-lived. Trust me, your emotions will go through many more ups and downs before you achieve real peace. It's why they call it a roller-coaster. So what have you been doing to make yourself a better person?
Fair enough, that makes sense. I should probably expect another few more terrible times then?
Honestly, I've just been focused on finding who I am without her. I've stopped the negative behavior, and the obsessing, and I know just doing that has contributed to my new happiness. I've been trying to become more responsible with finances, because I never really was. She's an accountant, so she handled everything. I never had to worry about it, but now I'm sticking to a budget and making sure everything is paid and on time and what not. Little things like that, where I can consistently do them and improve those aspects of myself.
Other than the little stuff, I haven't really tried becoming a better person, per say. I know it sounds arrogant, and that's not my intention, but I'm honestly a pretty good guy. I'm not sure where I would begin on trying to become better, although I know there's always room for improvement in one's self.
Other than the little stuff, I haven't really tried becoming a better person, per say. I know it sounds arrogant, and that's not my intention, but I'm honestly a pretty good guy. I'm not sure where I would begin on trying to become better, although I know there's always room for improvement in one's self.
WntHope,
I understand, I felt (and feel) the same way. There are some things I need to do to be better, but overall, I'm a good person, a good dad and I was a good husband (confirmed by the MC).
I'd recommend finding something (or somethings) to do that really keep you engaged and excited. My thing turned out to be making home improvements; I never thought that'd be the case, but it happened. I got up every morning thinking about what I could do to make the house look better and I continue to do that. It got me through the hard days without missing a beat.
WntHope,
I understand, I felt (and feel) the same way. There are some things I need to do to be better, but overall, I'm a good person, a good dad and I was a good husband (confirmed by the MC).
I'd recommend finding something (or somethings) to do that really keep you engaged and excited. My thing turned out to be making home improvements; I never thought that'd be the case, but it happened. I got up every morning thinking about what I could do to make the house look better and I continue to do that. It got me through the hard days without missing a beat.
I'm glad you found something to help you through the bad days. I've been thinking about putting the pent up energy I have into going to the gym finally. I've been a chubby guy my whole life, and the guy she left me for is in way better shape than I am. I'm not saying I'd be doing it to get her back, but it would help with me moving on if need be.
I've been a chubby guy my whole life, and the guy she left me for is in way better shape than I am. I'm not saying I'd be doing it to get her back, but it would help with me moving on if need be.
I'm in good shape now, but five years ago I was in great shape. I'd lost 65 pounds and could run a full marathon on any given day. I could kick @ss and I loved the feeling. I need to get back to that again; there's nothing like being great shape. (It's also fun to be physically imposing enough to scare the h3ll out of the OM.
)
I hope you can get into a regular fitness routine; you'll love the results.
I'm in good shape now, but five years ago I was in great shape. I'd lost 65 pounds and could run a full marathon on any given day. I could kick @ss and I loved the feeling. I need to get back to that again; there's nothing like being great shape. (It's also fun to be physically imposing enough to scare the h3ll out of the OM.
)
I hope you can get into a regular fitness routine; you'll love the results.
Yeah, I definitely want to. I'm hoping I can actually stick with it though. I've tried to get in shape a few times, but it only ever lasted a few lazy weeks where I never really put in any effort.
How do you handle the anger you feel when the walk away does something that absolutely infuriates you?
I feel she's acting this way to get a rise out of me, or something, and I honestly do want to flip out. Instead, I've been biting my tongue every time and I don't know how much longer I can just ignore the rude, condescending things she's been doing to me.
Just remember that the 3 seconds you will feel better from lashing out could set your progress back weeks. Also, you just said you think she does it to get a rise. That's what she's expecting. Continuing giving it and she will see you are the same person she's run away from. Don't give in and she will notice.
Like I said, I've been really trying not to react, and I've done a great job so far.
But the past few days, she's been ruining my time with the kids. That's what is making me so angry.
This guy she's been seeing has completely changed her. For the worse. She's so happy with everyone else, and so bitter, cold, and rude to me. I haven't done anything to deserve the treatment, other than detached from her.
"But the past few days, she's been ruining my time with the kids."
How?
"But the past few days, she's been ruining my time with the kids."
How?
Well, first, it was she told me that my daughter is going to be in a commercial. I was ecstatic for her. Then, she told me she's taking her to New York for photos and to film it, but she refuses to let me be a part of it and support my daughter. My fear is my daughter will have this wonderful experience and memory, but a big part of that memory will be "daddy wasn't there". And I have a nagging feeling that she's telling me I can't go, just so the guy she's been seeing can be there.
Then, tonight, I asked her if I could video chat with the kids before bedtime. I sent her that message around 4:30pm. She read the message, but never replied to me. So finally around 8:45pm I sent her another message asking why she never replied. She said to call now if I wanted, so I did. I only got to talk to them for a total of 8 minutes. For about 4 of the minutes, she set the phone down and they went about their business while I sat there silently hoping to see them. Then, the last 4 minutes of the call was spent with me trying to ask them how school was, but she was telling them to do things and yelling at them for not listening to her. Then, she decided to take the phone off my daughter (5) and tell them to go to bed. When I was visible (but not vocally) angry, she decided to blame me for calling so close to bed time. And when I brought up that I never got a response from her, she said "that's not my fault".
So she's being so rude and hurtful to me, and I don't know how to react.
It looks like she was telling the truth when she told me they never had sex.
I found a used condom in the garbage today. It was completely accidental. I just threw something away and it was on top.
She claims she feels bad. She claims she's sorry.
But now, the detachment I had is gone. I'm hurting more than I was when this first started. I have no idea what to do or how to deal with these feelings I have now.
WntHope,
I'm very sorry. I know it's difficult to deal with the flood of emotions.
WntHope,
I'm very sorry. I know it's difficult to deal with the flood of emotions.
Thanks, and you're right. I literally don't know how to bury these emotions. I just want to try and work on myself. I want to be happy. I just hate everything going on right now in my life.
She was or wasn't telling the truth?
It looks like she was telling the truth when she told me they never had sex.
I found a used condom in the garbage today. It was completely accidental. I just threw something away and it was on top.
She claims she feels bad. She claims she's sorry.
But now, the detachment I had is gone. I'm hurting more than I was when this first started. I have no idea what to do or how to deal with these feelings I have now.
She was or wasn't telling the truth?
j20a00g,
I'm assuming he forgot his contraction and that should've been "wasn't" instead of "was."
j20a00g,
I'm assuming he forgot his contraction and that should've been "wasn't" instead of "was."
That's what I'm thinking too. though, I've seen some pretty crazy lies the last year...
She was or wasn't telling the truth?
She was telling the truth, up until now.
I had been checking for used ones and finally when I started to believe her, they finally went through with it.
And while this has many possibilities (1 - first time using a condom, 2 - first time sex, but not first time for other stuff, etc.), it's the first concrete evidence that she's cheated on me.
She's been in an emotional affair (with minor physical stuff like kissing, cuddling etc.) for at least 3 weeks. But this is the first actual evidence I've found for a physical affair.
Does it change anything for you or your goals?
Does it change anything for you or your goals?
I don't know. I haven't really thought about goals, other than trying to make myself happy.
I can't get it off my mind. I had been thinking "Ok, she's with him for all the wrong reasons, and she's changed completely, but maybe there's still hope. At least they haven't had sex yet". She's a very different person after meeting this guy.
She's 100% wayward. In every regard (I've been spending time reading Sandi2's posts about waywards).
But if I'm honest, with the thought of them being physical, it makes me sick. Unfortunately, I can't think of anything else for some reason.
And I was doing great with my detachment. I was feeling much better, and I was starting to be happy. Now with this morning, I'm so hurt, and it brought back all the feelings of wanting her back. How my brain made that connection, I'll honestly never know.
It's normal to feel and think what you are. My point is, only you can decide if it changes anything on wanting her back. Personally, inwiukd have been shocked (shocked!) if she wasn't physical with him like that. What makes anyone think that a WS who is willing to throw away marriages, futures, families, etc would somehow have morals or boundaries to not bang someone else is a bit confusing to me.
I bet you never thought she would cheat on you right? You ever think she would walk on you or the kids? Act the way she is? Do all the things she's done?
My point is....you aren't dealing with your W as you knew her. I'm not making excuses for her or telling you to accept the behavior. I'm telling you that your goal of "trying to make yourself happy" is so vague and unrealistic. I'm thrilled when I have about a half a bottle of grey goose in me. Should I stay drunk? Start smaller bro. "I'm going to make it to the gym 4 times this week. I'm not going to initiate texts with W at all this week. I am going to buy 2 new shirts or a new bottle of cologne and make a point to go somewhere this week to wear them".
Little steps of focusing on you will help start putting her mess on the back burner.
Just wanting to be happy isn't going to cut it. It doesn't magically happen. You choose that.
I found a used condom in the garbage today. It was completely accidental. I just threw something away and it was on top.
Im sorry to read this update. Can you share a little bit more on your situation? I thought you were out of the house now? Did you move back in?
I would have advised you to say nothing, but it looks like you already reported it to W.
In any case, Im sorry that you are hurting. Know that this doesnt really change much of anything for your long term plans though. You are each on your own journey forward.
Does it change anything for you or your goals?
I don't know. I haven't really thought about goals
Well, how about starting to follow the information in DR?
Step 1 is starting over with a beginner's mind. This seems like a great opportunity to do that. Maybe look at your situation as if W is never coming back?
Then right after it is setting goals.