So I've been lurking for quite a while but decided it's time to jump in with both feet. My wife and I will be married for 18yrs tomorrow,together 22. We have 3 boys 10, 7 and 4. The second week in June I found that she had been private messaging a bf from 9th grade every day for 2 weeks. I confronted her and she said they were just friends but she would go NC with him. 4th of July weekend we are on family vacation and after having sex she falls asleep and gets a notification on her phone that she has a message from OM. I flipped out and later got the ILYBNILWY.
We returned home and she agreed to meet with me our pastor and his wife. She then met with a Christian counselor and decided MC would be no good until she can work on herself. In the month or so to follow I did the pleading, crying and OR talk about once a week. In mid August I decided to just give her her space. I did well and avoided all R talk and tried hard to GAL. The whole time I have worried about the EA but I have decided that I can only control what I do.
A few weeks ago she said she is still confused but decided we needed to meet with someone together. She said she still wasn't ready to do MC because she's not sure if she wants to be married or not. Her counselor told her about discernment counseling. So on Wednesday we had our first session. It went well and the counselor seemed more than willing to call each of us on the carpet when she felt it was necessary. This counseling has 3 options after the 5 sessions or so. 1.divorce/separation 2.stay the same. 3.6 months 100%invested MC.
We talked a little together and she downplayed the whole EA part which made me believe she hadn't told her counselor about before(this is her IC for 3 months) When it was my turn I made sure she knew it was more than W let on. The C then talked to W alone for 45min. then invited me back in. My W then told me that she hasn't felt that she has had any space because I had been talking to friends and family. I then talk solo and the C said in no uncertain terms that my W had not taken the 6 months of MC off the table but she needed to feel safe that I wouldn't talk to anyone other than my pastor. I agreed and also told the C about my concerns about the EA being over and not having any closure on it. She said to tell W that I would only talk to pastor but for me to feel safe enough to do MC I needed transparency and to know there is no 3rd party involved. It ended there and we go back this Wednesday.
At the end the C gave me homework without my W knowing what it was. It was DR 😂😂 I told her I was already half way through the book. I have decided to do LRT since we hardly talk and she has been in spare room for the last month . Been doing well GAL. Working out (down to 10% bf). Going out with friends, and being with my Ss. I have started doing a lot around the house as kind of a 180 because toward the beginning she seemed to notice that. Otherwise I try to journal everyday and observe how my 180s are causing any changes.
She has been keeping herself busy non stop with her gfs. She only works 2 times a week and during school only has our 4 yr old. Trying hard to detach but the the coldness and indifference gets to me once in a while. Any advice and support is appreciated.
Sorry about your situation. Ours have many similarities. Read up around here (especially sandi's stuff like the stickies on ww) and make a plan. My journey towards no contact was(is?) long and am now working on transparency. Hang in there.
Hey Jug,
Thanks for the response. I just got caught up on your thread and you're right, sounds pretty similar. I will follow along and hopefully we both come out of this as better people with stronger marriages.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thanks Cadet,
It feels more official now that I got your welcome post.
BTW Happy Anniversary to me! Almost 18 happy years.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Yesterday was a pretty full day. I woke up at 5. In the gym by 6. Ran 2.5 miles at 7. Took a dip in the hot tub and then showered and ate. My W was still asleep so I made breakfast for the kids and cleaned the main floor of the house for about an hour. I walked past her room a couple of times but never even looked in that direction. The one time I walked by she said "so what are our...or your plans for the day?" I said I am taking the boys to church you are welcome to come but if you don't want to that's fine. She then got up and got ready in record time to come along to church.
After church I had a friend over to watch football and he brought his s over to play with my youngest. After the game she said she was going to her sisters to run her 10miles to get ready for her 1/2 marathon next week. I stayed home with the boys and we got pizza and wings and watched football together. She came home around 8 and went straight to bed and that was about it.
Pretty tame but I think it's nice that she decided to join us at church even though she could have easily stayed home. Tough day today being the 18th anniversary and all. I meet with my IC this afternoon so we'll have lots to talk about.
Hey brother...very similar situation to yours. My 22yr anniversary was 1.5 months into my ordeal, but I still got my W a gift. She looked at me as if she was shocked that I got her a gift...I have never forgotten BD's or anniversaries...she then opened the gift and laughed...made for a rough day.
Now we are over 3 months into the MLC/WW and she has filled out the paperwork, but not filed. I feel lost, but not out as of yet.
You've inspired me...getting back to the gym and the streets first thing tomorrow morning. I have lost 30+ #'s this year, but have not been very motivated since July.
"I WILL WALK BY FAITH EVEN WHEN I CANNOT SEE". 2 CORINTHIANS 5:7
SBJ,
Sorry to hear about your sitch. Thanks for posting in my thread. Get to the gym and eat healthy. Get some sleep. Let them see what they are walking away from. If they are smart they come back if not we are still bettering ourselves. I know I am still doing things in the hope that she will notice, but I also know that everyday that passes I am stronger and realizing that I'm going to be ok no matter what she decides. We are in this together brother and we will hold each other up no matter what happens.
Just got an email from her saying that she is sorry I'm hurting because of her, but that if we are mature about our divorce it won't negatively affect our kids. What a crock of $!&^.
She says that just because she wants a divorce doesn't change the fact that she cares about me...WOW!
Right after reading the email my copy of DR showed up. I guess it is time to read and see if God and I can save this on our own.
SBJ
Sorry to hear about that. Just because she says all of this doesn't mean it's what she really means. There is no reason for you to make it easy on her in getting the D. Don't beg and plead but make her do all the heavy lifting. Mean while get your nose in DR and start putting the strategies to work. Sounds like either LRT or going dark is what is needed here. Read Sandi's rules and live by them. You need to work on and protect you and try to detatch the best you can
BillyHo
We are both home together now. It is so weird that our 18th anniversary isn't even a thing. I haven't said a word to her but I know it is in the back of her head too. At our C session she brought it up while crying that she didn't want any gift or card. The C said just take the C session as a gift to each other. Glad she brought it up so I didn't have to make a decision.
Sorry about the anniversary. What did you think of the c session? Sounds like you are doing well with taking care of yourself and your kids. Exercise is one of the best things for dealing with what we have on our plate.
I thought the C session went as well as I could have expected. I really like her C. She seemed very fair and also pro marriage. I don't know what her and my W talked about but I do think that she will speak the hard truth to her. If she is willing to hear it is the question. She seems to be really confused. W seems to be run down and sometimes depressed from the stress of the whole ordeal. I feel bad for her but realize it is her journey and Incant fix her.
Went to watch my S10 football game tonight. He's the qb and they won the game with a touchdown on the final play. Not such a bad anniversary after all.
Glad to hear all of that. I suggest that you summarize your situation in your signature. Keep it up!
Need some help here guys. So a little back story. 2 weeks ago my wife went alone over night a couple states away to run a race. I was suspicious but didn't ask any questions. The next weekend she went out over night with gfs that I know well and stayed over night after getting trashed. The next day she seemed very sick I figured she was hung over. The next day she had a fever of 103 and went to the dr. She said it was viral and got an antiviral medication. FF to today I find next to her bed the prescription for valtrex which is for cold sores or genital herpes. I look up that the first outbreak of genital herpes can come with a high fever and body aches. Her symptoms. I also found prescription murpirocin ointment in the bathroom.
I think this is enough to confirm my suspicions of the EA turning into a PA. Unless someone else has an excuse for this. We have counseling tomorrow. What should I do.
Have you read the DB or DR books yet?
So tonight at football practice I was very quiet and some of her friends noticed and texted her to see if I was ok. She texted me right away and asked if something is wrong. I said no, why? Later when she got home from work I left right away and went straight to the gym. Within 5 min. she calls me, I don't answer then a text, don't answer. 4 more calls then I reply to her text "what's up? She says can u answer? I said sure. She wants to know if there is something we need to talk about. Keep in mind she hasn't wanted to talk to me for a couple of months. She says tell me what's going on. I said nothing really. I'll talk to u when I finish my workout.
Go home hop in the hot tub and then she comes out. She say is there something I should know, something new? I said anything I know u know already so how can it be new. Told her I'm just dealing with the same issues. I know in the back of her mind she can tell I know something.
We have discernment C tomorrow so during my individual time I will ask the C what she thinks I should do. The individual time is confidential and you only share in couples part what the C and you decide to.
Ok, so based on DR, what were some of the things she complained about? What were some things that maybe you did in the relationship to hurt it? Not blaming, just trying to get a sense of everything. Can you give us a little more detail about conflicts?
The first 10-12 years she said that she felt neglected but she is not one to share her feelings so I wasn't aware how much it bothered her. 6 yrs ago I had an awakening and started to focus on being a good dad and husband. Go to church go to all the bday parties help around the house. She even said in C that the last 5 yrs have been the best of our marriage and then came the EA. She said the blow up from that made her realize that she never dealt with her feelings of resentment from before.
"The first 10-12 years she said that she felt neglected"
What did you do during that time in terms of what she feels was neglect?
"started to focus on being a good dad and husband."
In your mind, what did being a "good husband" mean?
In the beginning I played basketball golf poker and she kind of fit I where she could. I stopped going to church and that really bothered her.
The last 6 yrs I have spent quality time with her and the boys(that was her love language) when there was a conflict in events I would do the family thing instead of my own. I coached my kids basketball teams and was willing to help her with anything she needed help with. I am also the main provider,she works 2 days a week for some spending money.
So we went to our C today. W went first for abou 35min. When I came back in she said that when she chased after me last night it was falling into on old pattern of mothering. When W left the room I told the C of my concerns about the valtrex. She said so you have pretty much decided that W has had a PA. I said yes. She said it is very interesting that you both think you know each other so well and know exactly what the other is thinking or doing and you both assume you are right.
She said lets table the valtrex stuff until next time but let W know that you are not comfortable with her going away this weekend within driving distance of OM. She said this will help me with my conflict avoidance problem.
I think maybe the trip a few weeks back was when the PA took place. My wife told me later she has cut off all contact with OM. I am thinking this is why the C may have steered me away from the valtrex thing for now.
We actually talked for 30min on the way home. I think I almost talked her into the 6 months of MC. We'll see what happens next week. I told her it's not like a life sentence. Do 6 months and see how it goes and then re-evaluate .
W goes away tomorrow until Monday. I have some GAL activities for lined up while she's gone. Thinking of doing a movie with the boys Friday night. We have all day Saturday to find something fun to do. Saturday night I'm going out with friends for dinner and some dancing. Sunday church and watch football with the boys.
After our C session yesterday I think it will be good for her to be away. The first C session we did wiped her out mentally and physically(her word). This time she said it wasn't as stressful. I am going to stick to Sandis rules but was wondering if I should sent her a quick GL text the night before her race. Any suggestions?
W left this morning for her trip. Yesterday I did a big 180. I had just some random GAL activities planned which included going out drinking and dancing with some of our mutual friends. Last minute I decided to plan a 2 night stay at a resort a couple hours away, just me and my 3 boys. In the past I always spent time with the boys alone and as a family but I would have never planned, scheduled and went just the 4 of us on a trip like this.
When she got home from work last night my S4 said daddy is taking us to a hotel for a suprise! She asked where we are going and I told her. She said"you aren't going out Saturday night with friends". I said "no I decided this would be more fun". She asked who I was going with and I told her just me and the boys. I think she was very confused by the whole thing.
Now while this is a 180 and May or may not be noticed by her. I know that my boys will notice it and right now I need them as much as they need me.
Any advice or comments on my sitch is much appreciated.
Sounds like a great activity. The most important thing is to do it for you and your kids and not as a statement. Have fun!
My weekend away with the boys went off without a hitch. We had a great time. Lots of swimming, site seeing, and just spending quality time together. The boys thanked me several times for taking them for the mini getaway. This was the best I've felt in the last 5 months. This has helped me realize that I really need to put a lot of my energy into my sons. I won't say that I didn't think about the W at all but I can say the thoughts were shorter in duration.
Tomorrow I have a session with IC then W gets back from her trip around 8pm. I am going to do my best to keep my distance and act "as if" when we are around each other. We go for our 3rd discernment C session on Wednesday. The C seems to be trying to push my W in the direction of 6 months of MC. I believe the C sees that our issues aren't anything that can't be worked through its just a matter of getting my W to accept that.
Starting today I erased all the social media apps from my phone that I would obsessively check to see what my wife was liking or posting. Just like snooping it only made me try to mind read and figure out what she is thinking. I am hoping by doing this it will help me to better detach.
Today's meeting with my IC went well. I caught him up on all of the weeks happenings and he said that he thinks I handled myself well after my "discovery" but he felt that at some point the question will have to be asked about the Valtrex. We go to our discernment C on Wednesday again. She asked last time if I would be willing to table my concerns until this week. The thing is I don't know that it is going to be productive to bring it up unless we decide to do the actual MC. If she did have a PA it isn't going to change my mind as to whether I want to do the MC or not.
Thoughts anyone?
Anybody got anything for me?
BillyHo,
MC doesn't typically work well unless both parties are fully onboard and really want to work on the marriage. At this stage of things, your wife may say she wants to work on the marriage, but that's often not the case.
I would get input from others, but I don't want you to be disappointed if MC doesn't go well.
That pretty much what this discernment C is supposed to be for. She's confused and on the fence so it's up to 5 sessions for her to decide what path she wants to take. Status quo,divorce/seperation or 6 months of MC. From what I see from her I wonder if she is even in a place where she could even commit to the MC. Even if she did I would still wonder if she's really into it or just afraid to let go of her safety blanket. I think I will ask the C these questions tomorrow and see what she thinks.
That pretty much what this discernment C is supposed to be for. She's confused and on the fence so it's up to 5 sessions for her to decide what path she wants to take. Status quo,divorce/seperation or 6 months of MC. From what I see from her I wonder if she is even in a place where she could even commit to the MC. Even if she did I would still wonder if she's really into it or just afraid to let go of her safety blanket. I think I will ask the C these questions tomorrow and see what she thinks.
She's enjoy some tasty cake-eating. No reason for her to change anything at this point. She's not the one hurting, you are. That doesn't seem to bother her either. Personally I like to knock fence sitters off the fence. It gives you your self confidence back. It worked in my case. I decided I wasn't going to wait around doing the "pick me" dance. That's too degrading and was causing me too much pain.
Your GAL is good but I'd step it up even more. Do whatever you want. Activities that you may have loved in the past but gave up when you married. We all have some of those. Be the best version of yourself you can be. A very attractive version. That will either snap her out of her funk or you'll move on happy with your new positive strong, high self-esteem and have a great life.
So call it a gut feeling or whatever you want, but I feel like tomorrow's C session will be a big one. I have a feeling that after our 1st session if there was OM in the picture that she then went NC with him. Since that day I have slowly seen a softening in my W. Her one complaint was that she felt I hadn't given her space because I was talking to friends and family members about our sitch. She also said that in order for her to feel "safe" in the MC I had to keep it between us. I have honored her request and I just get the feeling that something will be decided one way or the other tomorrow. If she was in an A I can see why she would want that just between us. I know this is all a bunch of mind reading but it's just a hunch. The C pretty much said she was pushing her toward the 6 months of MC at the end of our last session. If she did go NC with OM 2-3 weeks ago would that be enough time for her to consider working on the M again?
Not really. It also depends on who called it off.
To be fair I don't have any concrete evidence that there is or was an affair. I do have pretty solid evidence that this most recent trip was not to meet up with OM. There was the EA that started this whole nightmare but she said that ended and I have no evidence to the contrary. I have learned through my IC that I am hyper sensitive to being cheated on because that's what broke up my parents marriage when I was 10. Crazy how things in your youth can screw up your thinking 32 years later. Anyway I am about 7 hrs away from our discernment C session. If we end up working on our M or not I know from all of this that I have a lot of work to do on me and my insecurity issues. I am still trying to stay optimistic about us working it out but as hard as it is to think about now I know I will be ok no matter what.
Good luck. Let us know how it turns out.
So my gut feeling was wrong. She is still unsure what route she wants to take. This time the C had me do my individual part first. We talked about the Valtrex and I told her that I may have been jumping to conclusions. She said that I am just trying to suppress it so that I can avoid the conflict. She said it needs to be addressed and to let my wife know it's bothering me and I need an explanation.
We also talked about whatnI want to be going forward. I told her I want to be more assertive and take charge. Not have my W on a pedestal. Be more confident and not live in my fears. I told W all of this when she came in. I confronted her about the Valtrex and she said it was for shingles because they can be brought on by stress.
When I came in she said that the weekend away she did a lot of reflecting and talking with her best friend that moved away years ago. She said she is still trying to figure out who she is outside of me and the kids. We dated when she was 15 and married at 19 so I think she is trying to explore that early part of her life. She said to try to figure that out and work on us at the same time is overwhelming.
We don't go back until November 14. The C told us both to work on who we want to be going forward. She pretty much told me what I have heard here so many times. "Use this time to become the man you want to be".
My short term goals are as follows:
1. No Snooping
2. Journal here and at home only about me and my boys
(No focusing on wife)
3. No social media
4. Totally focus on me and my boys
Any tips to help with these things are welcome. Please hold me accountable and don't hold back if I screw up.
You read DR right? Go over the part about GAL and working on yourself.
You read DR right? Go over the part about GAL and working on yourself.
I did. I will go back now and re read the GAL section. Thanks for continuing to check in on my thread MrBond
Your therapist instructed you to GAL. Always good to get the reinforcement.
Something I wish I wouldn't have done before was gonto MC. Tbh, it did more damage (far more damage) than good. In reality, you are putting faith into a counselor who doesn't really know you or the situation. So many therapist are more focused on siding with the one who wants out and woks on how to make a separation more amicable. They aren't truly trained for couples. We did see a foreman therapist which was completely different but at the time we met her, my w was already done.
Just be cautious.
I really like this C. If at some point we do decide we are both ready to move onto actual MC I am sure it will be with the C we are seeing now. It didn't hurt that after our first session she told me to read DR ( without letting my W know)
Well it's been a week since my last post. Just a quick update. So I have been doing well with the GAL and not focusing so much on W. Went to the gym quite a few times this week and even went to the movies alone 1 night. Been trying to spend time with my boys whenever I get a chance.
Here is the "problem" I am having. I think it is either starting to work or is coinciding with a change in her. She has been different since going on her trip where she said she did a lot of reflecting. Every night she has been reading the boys bedtime stories and tucking them in. She has been keeping up with all the house work. Decorating the house and planned our trick or treat party. The hard part for me is she is interacting with me in our day to day activities almost as if nothing ever happened.
We don't have any ILYs or hugs.(except on Sat night we did end up in bed together and did everything but ML.). She texts me about minor things while I'm at work. She talks to me like we used to when we are together.(no R talk). My question is do I follow her lead or do I keep my distance and follow Sandis rules like I had been?
Just to be clear I am still working on me. Still going to IC, but for a month or 2 she seemed to be down in the dumps whenever she was home. Keeping to herself and not interacting at all. Also finding any excuse not to be home together but none of that since her trip.
Here is the "problem" I am having. I think it is either starting to work or is coinciding with a change in her. She has been different since going on her trip where she said she did a lot of reflecting. Every night she has been reading the boys bedtime stories and tucking them in. She has been keeping up with all the house work. Decorating the house and planned our trick or treat party. The hard part for me is she is interacting with me in our day to day activities almost as if nothing ever happened.
BillyHo,
Maybe you've stumped everyone. I know that Sandi says that you have to see true remorse before accepting her back. If she's acting as if nothing ever happened, then my guess is that she's still deep in the fog. (With the caveat that I'm not an expert; get feedback from others.)
Don't get me wrong she is still confused as to what she wants. What I am saying is she has definitely had some kind of change. If it's temporary or not I can't say. Beleive me if she is moving towards coming back to me it won't be without doing MC and filling in all the gaps from the past 5 months.
BilyHo,
Give her a good spanking and see how she responds. (Don't tell Sandi that I told you to do that.)
You may have stopped snooping but you are still trying to read her mind. We all do it. I do.
You sound angry to me. Are you?
You sound angry to me. Are you?
Not sure why you say that FG. I don't feel anger toward her at all. Early on, yes there were times that I got angry but that was more out of frustration than anything else. Now I am at a place where I see that this is something that we both need to go through to address issues in ourselves and our M.
On the mind reading, yes I still do it but without the social media and the snooping there is a lot less to read into. I think the biggest thing is that without the snooping and following her on social media my anxiety level is much lower.
OK, I misread your sentiment. Which is easy to do online. I'm the same way -- my IC asked if I was angry and I just did not feel angry. Frustrated at the situation, but not really angry at the person.
I thought your statement that she would be required to "fill in the gaps from the past 5 months" sounded a little ... angry. Not sure what you mean by fill in the gaps, but if your W does want to work on the marriage, it may not be exactly on your terms, exactly the way you want it, exactly on your time line. Sandi2 talks about how long it takes to feel remorse, and it can be long after the W chooses to return to the marriage.
Ok so just to clarify what I meant by fill in the gaps. In my IC session yesterday we went over the timeline since BD. He had me list only the facts and no speculation. He then asked me if I had in my head filled in some of the gaps with what I thought may have been going on. I told him I did and told him what I filled the gaps in with. He told me that I can only focus on the facts and for now I have to be "ok" with not knowing what is in the gaps. He said if we decide to do MC at that time she will be able to fill in some of those gaps for me.
I can see where that could have been confusing Gump. TBH I really don't feel any anger toward my W now. I have accepted that there are issues in both of us that need to be addressed. Without things blowing up now it would have happened down the road and could have been even worse.
My thoughts are that you keep the 180/Sandi rules going. Be cordial etc.. but show that you got your life going and that you are truly ok with letting people be free to make their own choices... and of course you will make your own choices. (as long as this comes across from a perspective of self confidence and maturity...)
Our minds will drift in and out of the emotions when it is us.... So try to step out of your self and view your situation like it was a movie and what would you tell your character to do next... (not sure if this is helpful... but I do that when I learn from this forum and then look at my situation, I picture what I would tell the character (me) to do)
Thanks steady. I totally agree with this. It is so easy in the moment when we sense a change in the sitch to try to jump right in and be overly enthusiastic. The key as you said is to look at it from a non emotional point of view. When I do that I remember that as much as this is about my W's journey I am on a journey of my own. Not to mention being too available could scare her right back to where we were weeks ago. So back to concentrating on Sandi's rules and working on me.
So it's been a while and things have changed.
W and I went to our latest discernment counseling session and she decided that she isn't comfortable living together and she needs to move out. This wasn't a total shock to me but I have to say I was very impressed with my reaction to it. I calmly said I understand and that I would support her decision if it was going to help her figure things out. Later that day when we were talking she told me that she was surprised by the way I was acting about the whole thing. This is a big 180 for me because I would have freaked out a few months ago. I don't think I am fully detached but I think that using all that I am learning here has prepared me somewhat for this type of thing.
The next day she showed me a budget she worked out. She had some unrealistic expectations as to how much financial help I was going to give her. We talked about it and I think we figured something out that is fair. TBH I hate to see her leave but I do think at this point it's necessary. Since BD things haven't progressed at all with us living together. I am in a way looking forward to having the house to myself. The worst part is only being with my boys 1/2 of the time.
I'm not sure what she is dealing with or if there is a OM. I do know that I am making significant changes and I am really liking the man I am becoming. Any tips for the separation would be appreciated. I have taken control of all the finances so that's one thing. She isn't leaving until after the holidays (I kind of wish it was sooner) so I guess I'll just do LRT until she's moved out.
One more day of work and then the weekend. Not sure what I'm going to do but I do need to find some GAL activities to keep me busy. I haven't been sleeping very well the last couple of nights. Not really thinking about her leaving as much as I am thinking about arrangements with the boys when she leaves. I am going to go look at a new SUV this weekend since she will keep our current one and I will need 4wd for the winter. She said I could just use hers when it snows but I just don't see how that's a good idea.
I still would like some advice on how to handle our interactions until and after she leaves. With our boys playing sports and the swapping of the kids back and forth we will still see each other at least 4 or 5 times a week. I am going to continue my IC weekly as I feel it's really made a difference thus far.
I sometimes think about, what if I find someone else. Would it be better to just move on. I also think I would regret it in the future if I just give up and know that I didn't do everything I could to keep my family together.
Hello BillyHo,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Great job regarding your reaction to her statement about her moving out! You have come a long way since you were able to be calm and not blow up. Are you being too financially supportive in her efforts to get her own place? Are you sure you want to make a big investment with a new SUV right now?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I think it is possible that I am being too generous in helping her move out. I tend to be too nice most of the time. I need to learn to treat her like a neighbor and not like my wife. The only problem is if I don't help her she can't move out and I really think for us to move forward either way she is going to have to leave.
I still have no proof of OM but if I was looking from the outside in I would say "she's cheating on you dummie." I guess I don't want to believe that about her but all the signs are there.
So do I just assume she is a WW with no proof? How does my approach need to differ between a WW and a WAW? If your not sure what route do you go?
Had a good GAL day yesterday and today so far. Wife got home last night and I immediate headed out the door and went to hang out with some friends at a Bon fire. Got home around 10:30 went to my room and caught up on some reading and fell asleep.
I woke up around 4am and couldn't sleep so at 5 I got up and headed to the gym. Had a good workout, went home and did a little reading. She wet to work and I took the boys out for breakfast. Also did a little yard work today. She texted me from work while I was in the yard about some randomness that could have waited so I just kept working. Within 5 min she called asking if I didn't see her message. I said yes but didn't know she needed me to reply right away.
Since she decided to move out I have really pulled back. The last time I did that she sucked me back in and I got a little too comfortable and let my guard down. This time I hope I am more aware of what's going on.
I am hoping to be able to be more detached by the time she leaves on the 1st of the year. She should be home soon and I'm going to go test drive a new suv. She is taking the only 4wd so I will need to trade my car in.
Saturday night we were invited to a hayride at a friends house. She had asked me earlier if we were going together or not. I told her I she could take the kids and I would find something to do. She asked me a couple more times during the day if I was going and she said you know we can both go. I said no I was going to go out.
She came home from work and I was in the living room on my iPad. She came in and sat on the couch watching the show I had on which I know she has no interest in(chasing classic cars). After a few minutes of no interaction from me she asked what I was going to do tonight. I told her probably go shopping and see a movie. She asked if I was going with anybody and I said I don't think so.
Since I started pulling back, GAL and acting as if she has been coming toward me more and more. This time I won't get sucked back in. I hope I am doing the right things here. I'm not sure if she is involved with anyone or not but I do know she's moving out in 5 weeks so I assume following Sandis rules is the best way to go. My responses to her are short and to the point. I don't initiate any convos, TM or phone calls. I don't answer right away or even at all sometimes. Today at work she called me, i didn't answer. She texted me, I didn't get back right away so she called again about 15 min later and I picked up. She told me where she went shopping yesterday and every detail of where she was( I didn't ask). It's crazy how when you act like you don't care they keep trying to pull you back toward them even though they don't want you.
I am sure the whole moving out thing is weighing on her but that is her decision and is only making it easier for me to realize I have to be ready to GAL and work on me.
So last night before I went up to bed I told her we need to talk at some point about what furniture you are taking so I can buy new stuff to replace it. About 5 min later she came up and payed on the bed next to me. We talked about it and it morphed into a convo about what this S is. She said she is not looking to date or find a new man. She said that she started having these feelings of not being fulfilled for a couple of years. (1st time she said this). She seems to think she needs the S to see if she is happy on her own. She says that I shouldn't worry about not seeing the boys as much because they can come over if they wasn't even when they are with her.
She seems like she wants to be friendly and see what happens. I am still going to stay pulled back from her but it is so hard to know what to do once she's gone. We will see each other all the time. I just hope she has a chance to miss me. She said we should meet with our discernment C after a month apart and see if we should try that process again.
Do I keep being friendly with her while still not pursuing? I want to be the lighthouse for her. She has never really been mean or spewed at me since this started. She has always maintained that she is confused and just doesn't know what she wants.
I am doing well with GAL and being prepared to move on. I just hope that at some point I get the chance to date my W again and let her see the new man I'm becoming.
Anybody have any thoughts on my sitch? Should I keep doing what I'm doing. I feel like this is a MLC sitch but I don't know for sure. Does it really change how I approach it. She has really started to drink a lot more and gets drunk almost every time she is with her/our friends. The kids haven't been totally pushed aside but they do take a backseat to her selfish needs. She has pretty much stopped going to church all together. She doesn't hang out with people that will tell her what she's doing is wrong. I see her struggling from day to day with what she wants to do. I hope that our seperation will help her find some clarity.
If you ultimately want to stay married, follow the rules to a t. If you don't, you will more naturally follow the rules anyway. Get really honest about how well you are following them because they really work but don't when people bend them. It's hard as heck to detach but we all have to. Most of us are in similar situations and some days are better than others. It svcks but it's normal. Hang in there.
As for being nice, I do like the idea of treating them like a houseguest. Don't bend over backwards for her.
Thank you for this Jug. I am doing my best to follow the rules. In just the short time that I have been doing that I have seen her slowly become more curious about what is going on with me. She sees a change in me(she said as much). The main thing is don't get overly excited and ruin all the hard work I'm putting in.
Detachment is like the holy grail of this whole process. There are times recently that I have thought "oh this is what being detached feels like" only to be reminded the next day that I'm not all the way there yet. I hope that the separation will help me in this area.
She talks like we are going to see each other all the time and it will be great. While we do have kids together I don't know that seeing each other that often is what's best for either of us or our sitch. I will continue to follow the rules and do my best not to slip up. Thanks again for the reply.
We had a talk about the seperation the other night. What furniture she will take, schedules with the boys and other randomness. She said she isn't looking to date or find anyone else. Just said she want to see what it's like to be on her own. Even had the nerve to ask if she could have her girlfriends over to the hot tub after she moves out. I said no when you leave you lose that privilege.
Overall a decent talk but just that small interaction gets me back to feeling anxious and thinking about her and what she is doing. I hope once she leaves the detachment will come much easier. It's tough seeing her every day.
I said no when you leave you lose that privilege.
BillyHo,
Good boundary. Good for you!
In my experience, it does get easier after she leaves.
So I think I screwed up tonight. W wanted to go to a store that she was just at 2 days ago. I thought it was fishy because when she went before my S10 texted her to see where she was at 8:40 she said target. The next day I see the receipt and she checked out at the store at 6:50. Tonight she wanted to go again so my BIL followed her. She ran in and back out in 5 min. Then she drove away from home. He lost her but I called and said are you still at the store I need something. She said yes even though she left 40 min earlier. We argued and she continued to swea she was there. She then didn't come home until 2:30 in the morning. I know she's up to something but I guess I should have left it alone.
Rough day today. Went with W and kids to my families for TG. After W left to spend some time with her sister I told my whole family (not my boys) that W is moving out. The outpouring of love I received from them felt so good. I am very lucky to have all of my family nearby to help support me through this.
All day W tried to engage me in small talk and asking a couple times if I'm ok. After last night, if she felt she was being wrongfully accused there is no way she would even want to look at me. Every time she addressed me I felt no desire to engage with her at all.
After dinner and some conversation with my family, my sister said she would watch the boys for a while. My BIL and I went to a friends house and watched some football. Time to pick up the pace on the GAL! Tomorrow I pick up my new SUV and then going with BIL and a friend to a cigar bar.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I am so thankful to have this place for so much advice and support.
Had a very busy day yesterday. Had to work until about 2. At around 12 I sent W a text that I would be out most of the night. I got home and went about my business, doing my bills, getting my banking in order and getting cleaned up and ready to go out. Ever since I caught her in the lie a couple nights ago she has been trying to engage me in small talk and acting as if it never happened. I have been very limited in my responses and not interested in interacting with her. As I'm doing things she finally says "is there something we need to talk about?" She said "we had a couple of days with good convorsations and then since the other night you are acting different". I calmly said "the other night was not a good night and that I am not interested in any conversations until we can be honest with each other". I then went back to what I was doing.
This was really tough for me since I am one to want to talk things out. I am not sure if this is considered setting a boundary or not but I feel these conversations are pointless if she is going to lie to me to hide what I have to assume is OM. It amazes me how she can not talk to me for 2 months and think that's ok but I don't talk to her for 2 days and she is constantly trying to engage me in conversation. I also think it's very telling that as early as the next day after confronting her she was acting as if nothing happened. If I was being falsely accused I would be pissed for a while. I think maybe she thought I was buying her BS excuses but when I told her we can't talk until she can be honest there can be no doubt in her mind now.
I left and had a great night out with my BIL and another friend. We picked up my new SUV, went and had some wings and then went over to another friends house to hang out for a few hours. I got home around 11:30 and she was still up. I got ready for bed and she kind of hovered around in "my" MBR taking off her jewelry. She asked if I liked my new truck and I said it's great and jumped into bed and went right to sleep.
She is going out today with her "sisters". It's funny how once that trust is broken you think everything they tell you is a lie. So now I am going to continue to try to detatch and not be concerned if she is being truthful or not. It is s lot easier said than done.
Any comment on how I am handling this sitch would be appreciated.
Well.....I am a weak, weak man. Just 2 days of acting as if and serious GALing and she pulls out the big guns. She followed me around the house so I went to my room to read. What do you know she decides that would be a good time to sort some mismatched socks that have been there forever. I just stared at my iPad the whole time. She then threw a sock at me and said do you want to shut that door and lock it for a little while. I said why would I do that? She said you know why. I asked her why and she said she was horny. Keep in mind the last time we attempted to ML she cried after 1min and she said it is too emotional. Also just 3 days ago she said that sex is emotional for a woman and that's why she can't do it right now. So back to today. She said she wanted to have sex and that it wouldn't upset her because she really needed it. So anyway, I caved and there was no crying or anything like that.
After we talked about the other night when I caught her in the lie. She said she went to a bar after she went shopping. She said again there is no one else and she wasn't ready for that. She said she doesn't know if this (her and I together) is what she wants or not. I told her I want to be able to believe you and trust you. She said then let's start over. I still don't know what that means. She's still moving out next month. I guess there is no way to know what any of this means. I want to believe that if there was a OM that she wouldn't even consider ML to me but who knows.
I am assuming this is the ultimate temp check. The sad thing is I knew it was coming. I told my pastor, who is also one of my best friends, that at some point I expected her to try to get my attention by coming on to me. little did I know it would be an hour later. I was prepared to say "no thanks" but like I said I am weak.
I assume I don't let this interrupt my GAL and acting as if. Did I make a big mistake here? What do you think?
Well for me it depends. If you can still get out of bed and act as what if... that is a good start... I think women can tell if you can do it. I think she came on to you because of your brief showing of pulling back and she was temp checking... obviously I am just guessing with the little bit of detail I can read from your posts.
Probably best not to have sex.... but i am like you.... can be tough not too some times. So if you cave, at least act as detached as possible afterwards.... I mean right afterwards... no smiling, etc, you could say "thanks" but that is much as I would say, and not smile so to speak... maybe like a one night stand and you got to go.... (I am only saying this once you cave... and you are in the middle of it, then at least salvage the rest...)
That is my humble suggestion. Also, you may backslide, but then quickly keep the 180 etc going. And also, I think it has nothing to do with weather a OM is involved. Just b/c she has sex with you -means nothing regards to OM. The only time she will pull the crying or emotional talk is when she is trying to push you away. In this case she may have noticed you pulling away so she did this on purpose.....
I think sex is a good thing. And I am speaking of a woman's POV. I think us female needs to be emotionally connected to have sex. So if she wants you, I think it's a good sign and GAL is working. Just keep cool, don't get lure back in and only mirror what she invests in. DR said be interested but not too interested. If you say no flat out, you don't seem all that interested... just my opinion
I would disagree on the sex.
I would ask her to get tested for STD's before having sex again, or using protection.
Ultimate temp check, you gave in, she has you and possibly OM in perfect position. Gotta get close to the wall to push off and head in the other direction.
I could be completely, utterly wrong on what I just said. I'm not in your sitch. But I've read enough of Sandi and others that the sex was a power play by her.
Respect thyself.
Yesterday I woke up early and went for a drive and bought donuts for the boys. When I got home W was getting out of the shower. When I went upstairs to get my clothes to get ready for church we brushed against each other. We both stopped for a second, looked at each other and then proceeded to have sex.
After I got my shower we had a talk in the kitchen about how we are going to tell the boys she is moving out. We decided on next weekend but not exactly what to say to them. We stood there staring at each other for what seemed like hours. There was music playing and it seemed like every song was about us. She cried several times and at one point we slow danced in the middle of the kitchen.
After about 1.5 hrs of that I told her I was going out. She asked where and I said to look at some furniture. I went out for the rest of the afternoon. When I got home she was decorating the house with Christmas stuff. She made dinner and then we all went out to look at Christmas lights. This is the first time in probably 5 months that we have done anything all together. When we got home she went back to decorating and I went up to bed.
I am so confused as to what I am supposed to do here. I am not pursuing her. She is initiating all of this contact and conversations. I am not crying or pleading for her to change her mind. I have heard varying opinions on the sex thing. There is no hostility in our interactions. I make sure that it's clear that I am moving on by doing my own thing and preparing to be on my own. Please somebody help point me in the right direction.
Getting ready to see my IC in a couple of hours. Interested to see what his feelings are on the recent developments. Would also love to hear from some of you to see what you think.
Talked with my IC yesterday. He said that we were doing the "dance" last week. I knew from reading the distancer and pursuer thread just what he meant. Looking from the outside in it so easy to see. As soon as I start to feel a little comfortable W begins to pull away again.
We are slowly but surely coming up on the day she is going to move out. We decided to tell the boys on this coming Sunday. We figured that way we will both be around the whole day to handle it with them. That is going to be tough to deal with. W doesn't seem to grasp the impact that something like this can have on a child. I went thru it when I was 10 and in some ways it still affects me to this day.(I'm working on that in C)
I am not sure how to handle the seperation. I am going to continue to GAL and work on me. I'm just not sure how I should deal with W. She seems to think that things won't be all that different. She says we will see each other all the time because of the kids sports. She said the days during the week I have them overnight she can come over and get them ready for school when I go to work at 4am. My question is, if she is always around how is she ever going to miss me and us being a family. Sandi says for them to wake up they need to feel some kind of loss. We have been communicating very well the last couple of weeks. She does not spew or act mean to me at all. Do I keep doing the LRT or go as dark as possible? Do I keep up this friendly and seemingly positive thing we have going right now? I'm just not sure how to proceed.
Do I keep doing the LRT or go as dark as possible? Do I keep up this friendly and seemingly positive thing we have going right now? I'm just not sure how to proceed.
BillyHo,
In my opinion, you should remain LRT and definitely be positive and friendly, but it should be neighbor-friendly not spouse-friendly (no sexual innuendo or @ss slapping). Get out and GAL as much as possible. Your wife may not be spewing, but if she's planning on moving out, you're still plan B; don't let her eat cake.
Thanks Doodler. I know you are right on this. My wife's recent willingness to have sex with me the last 3 days has been a bit of a stumbling block for me. I know she is just trying to keep me on the hook in case things don't go the way she wants or if she changes her mind. It is just really hard to pass up being with her in that way. Not to mention I was missing our sex life in a big way. We were very active even after BD. Then about 2 or 3 months ago it stopped all together. Now she is affectionate(hugging, kissing and sex) even though she is ready to move out. All this makes my head spin.
My wife's recent willingness to have sex with me the last 3 days has been a bit of a stumbling block for me.
BillyHo,
I never could say "no" to a kind offer to be naughty. The shame and guilt hangs over me like a weight that I can hardly bare. Well, not really.
Today I got home from work and W was at home. We talked a little bit, which has become a daily occurrence. During the convo she asked me in a round about way if I would be interested in going out with her and another couple this weekend for shopping and some dinner. I thought about it and then said sure we can do that. I know she is still moving out but she seems to be more open to getting close to me lately. I'm not sure if this is the proper thing to do DB wise or not. I am not pursuing her or asking her out. I have to make sure that I can just let things happen and not have any expectations.
Tuesday S7 had his first basketball practice of the year. I am his head coach so that is going to keep me busy at least 3 days a week for a few months. S10 had a game at the same time. W went to watch S10. The next day my mom and sister both called me and said that W went out of her way to go to them at the game and gave them both big hugs. This was nice to hear because she has gone out of her way to avoid them during this whole thing.
Yesterday not much happened. The only thing that really sticks out is that she made her deposit and got her keys for her house. Not a shock but just a reminder that this separation is coming very soon.
We are going out to dinner and shopping tomorrow night. Sunday we tell the boys that W is moving out. I am dreading the conversation with the kids. S4 probably won't understand, S7 could go either way, S10 is very sensitive and aware there is something going on. I really worry about S10 but we do have a C session scheduled for him on Monday which should help.
I can tell you from my experience, that XW did this sort of thing as well - and it was almost entirely due to the fact that she felt bad for leaving, and didn't want to look like the bad guy.
This may not be your case, but when you are making a sincere effort on DBing and put into practice the tenets, many WAW experience a wide range of emotions a few of which include: anger because you didn't change earlier when they still cared, disbelief that the changes are real, and a growing realization that they are going to look like the bad guy. It makes for a very confusing time for them regardless how they act on the surface.
You will be surprised at how much s4 realizes about the situation.
You will be surprised at how much s4 realizes about the situation.
You may be right. It hurts my heart to even think about it.
Do any of you have any thoughts on me accepting her invitation to go out on Friday? Wasn't sure if it is a good idea or not. She asked me and I made sure to not "jump" at the offer. Like I said in earlier posts, W has been seeming to move closer to me in the last week or so. I'm just not always sure what is best in this sitch. I am being friendly when we interact but I am not kissing her butt like I used to. I don't cry (in front of her) or beg her to stay. Even though we are getting along better I still feel this separation is something we both need right now. I would love any advice on how to handle things once she moves out.
I agree with bippy78. My W is acting the exact same way. All over the place up till the last few days and has actually had said all the things bibby78 mentioned. They are trying to justify what they are doing is right. Others on here will say it will hit them at some point and realize. We just don't know when, and if it will be before we move on ourselves.
Try to continue to detach as hard as it is and ignore what she says.
I would guess as the moving out date gets closer, maybe she is feeling more comfortable as her exit strategy approaches, or maybe feeling a little guilt as it approaches. Not sure if it matters honestly.
I had a bit of an internal debate - on one hand, not accepting will give her a little preview of what 1/17 will look like, but if that's been how you acted previously, that might backfire.
If she is dead set on moving out, I think I would go. And focus on having fun, smiling, laughing; as much as possible. But when 1/17 rolls around, I would say cut it cold turkey.
Again, hard to gauge, so just giving you a viewpoint for what it's worth.
I had a bit of an internal debate - on one hand, not accepting will give her a little preview of what 1/17 will look like, but if that's been how you acted previously, that might backfire.
If she is dead set on moving out, I think I would go. And focus on having fun, smiling, laughing; as much as possible. But when 1/17 rolls around, I would say cut it cold turkey.
I think this is where I'm at Bippy. Keep things friendly and when she leaves go dim. GAL like crazy and if she reaches out evaluate at that point in time. Once she is gone she can have all the space to figure out whatever it is she needs to figure out. In the mean time I will continue working on myself and being a good example for my 3 boys.
Anybody have any ideas on what to tell the kids when we sit down with them on Sunday? This is going to be so hard. These poor little guys don't deserve any of this crap. I can get past the pain I am dealing with but I'm not sure how I will react to seeing my boys go through it.
Anybody have any ideas on what to tell the kids when we sit down with them on Sunday? This is going to be so hard. These poor little guys don't deserve any of this crap. I can get past the pain I am dealing with but I'm not sure how I will react to seeing my boys go through it.
This was my biggest concern through all of this. We told them that mommy and daddy aren't getting along and need to take a time out. That none of it is their fault and that we both love them very much and they can still call either of us whenever they want and will stay with both of us."
Surprisingly, it was almost like "yea. We see the fighting. Finally a break". Since the separation, the kids seem almost like nothing happened. They haven't skipped a beat really and are doing great!
Hi Billy,
I am sorry to be reading your story on here - it sounds very similar to mine. I am also awaiting the W to move out and the fear of telling our sons is horrible. I agree about being able to handle the pain within ourselves but putting the kids through this is despicable and selfish. Thats how we feel anyhow.
My W also has been coming to me for sex after telling me that she couldn't do that as there is no connection. Why would they do that.....because women are more emotional creatures than us men...so she tells you that she can't be intimate because she needs to feel connection with you - yes thats true but thats only how she feels at the time i.e. current emotion. Give it a few weeks and she feels a bit lonely and horny and she isn't at the stage that she feels repulsed by you and can see your personal efforts and all of a sudden she feels like you can meet her needs at that point in time so she It leads to some intimacy. Once that need is met then she is back to her plan. Theres not much more to it than that I feel. Meanwhile we are riddled with lots of thought about why they are doing this and questioning their true intentions. I still see my W as a good person who is doing her best and must be riddled with guilt and various emotions but then I remember that she has walked away and isn't the person I married in a lot of ways. Whether it be MLC, hidden affair, just tired of the way things were or whatever reason - it does leave a trail of destruction even if they are just being honest with how they feel - They justify this by saying they have to put themselves first after all these years. All I know is that I get a lot of comfort in knowing that I am growing as a man and a husband and that the way I treat her reflects my integrity. I try to use a "superview" like I am up in a tower looking down at my situation and keeping the big picture in perspective....As my IC says "It [censored] big time but it is part of life"...I can only control how I respond and I can honestly say that....I like myself more than I have in years.
You sound like a fantastic person and I hope that you are taking care of yourself and savouring the quality times with your kids and showing them how a real man handles life's challenges and that it is okay to be vulnerable and acknowledge how you feel because pushing them deep down will not end well - there is so much that you are teaching your sons right now and in the near future that will enable them to choose their actions in life. Be aware of that everyday and then go have fun and laugh and smile with them and love your family - your wife's choices only reflect her and do not affect your true value - it is only how she sees things. Keep being committed to your marriage even if your wife has lost her way - do what feels like you will be proud of when your look back on your life. That will put you on the right path because it is how you feel that counts. I have read a lot and will continue to do so - lots of good info on here as you know - it is also good just to be able to talk about it with other people on here - it [censored] but I know that I will be good no matter what....as will you ! All the best.
Thank for the reply Bman. I will be following your sitch from now on.
Yesterday while W was at work she called me and asked if I wanted to go with her and the boys for breakfast with Santa. We do this every year but I had totally forgot about it. I said sure. So now my weekend looks like this, tonight dinner and shopping with W and another couple, sat. Morning breakfast with W and my boys, sat. night caroling hayride and handing out toys with W and boys and then sun. tell the boys she's moving out.
So it is a full weekend of doing things with W and as a family. Friday night and Saturday morning were her idea and she asked me to go. Saturday night I was supposed to take the kids alone but then she asked if I cared if she went along.
This is so weird.
Today is the day I've been dreading for weeks. We tell the boys today that W is moving out. I told W that I would be there with her to support the boys but she would have to do most of the talking. I didn't sign up for this. She is making this decision so she can take responsibility and explain it to them. This may be the hardest part of this whole 7 month struggle.
We will be telling the boys in the next couple hours. Right now I am filled with more anger and bitterness than I have felt in the last 7 months. To hurt me is one thing but to be able to look my 3 sweet boys in the face and tell them you are moving out for your own selfish reasons is beyond forgiveness for me. I don't want to look at her face. After today I am ready to speed up the moving process so she can be out by next week. I need some space from this person that is living in my house.
Please pray for me and my boys.
I remember this moment so well.
Prayers... Breathe, focus. Release the anger and spend that energy on loving the boys...
From my first marriage, and two kids, my ex was horrible in the process. Overtime she alienated the kids from me....Anyway, everything does move on....
My advice is just try to stay non-emotional even with the kids.... she is doing this and you have to be non-emotional.... just manage the project of your life now. Move the ball forward. focus on moving forward.... The kids will be best if you manage it non-emotionally. Even older people make mistakes and behave like kids.... If you can rise above, let her go, if you love something let it go..... so to speak, imagine being 70 years old... look back at where you are now. Behave like the advice you would give to your young self today. Maybe your W will come back some day and be truly remorseful or maybe not... but I feel if you behave in the right way, you will feel good about that, and in the end, that will help you. Save yourself the embarrassment and regretful thoughts you could have in the future, you know what to do today... Be direct, detached, non-emotional and move the plan forward.
Great advice Steady,
I have been trying to look at things from the same perspective and it has helped me a lot. BillyH I am imagining how hard today must be for you...it is looming for me also. You are in my thoughts.
Strength and courage !
Well it was one of the worst things I had to ever witness. I had her do almost all of the talking and take responsibility for her choosing to leave. During I was angry and found myself looking at her thinking how can you do this to them. My 2 oldest cried for an hour straight. She convinced them to go and see her house. I elected to not go along so I could calm down and process everything.
When they returned the boys had calmed down. While they were gone I composed myself. I figured being angry is not going to help the boys get through this. I remember when I was my S10 age and my parents divorced. The lasting memory I have is of my father spitting in my moms face and cussing her out.(she left because he cheated multiple times. I want my boys to see that even though I don't want this I will not be disrespectful to their mother.
A little later I asked W if she wanted to load some stuff in our trucks and take it to her place. She said sure and we did. We unloaded and I helped put a few things together and she bought us all lunch. We had a few nice moments where she just looked at me and cried and hugged me. Later we watched a movie at my house and I fell asleep as I was exhausted from the day's events.
Stay strong. While you may view her as the enemy don't let the kids know that. It's very, very important to not play the kids against each other.
That's the thing. I don't look at her as the enemy. While I don't agree with what she is doing, I understand that she is confused and in a fog. I am doing my best to detach. She isn't mean or rude to me. We communicate with each other now with no problems at all. I think W views this as something she has to experience and she is dead set on doing it. She said she has never been on her own and I guess she has to see what it's like. Whatever W, or I decide to do, in the end. I will be able to look back and say I acted in a loving caring way that will show my boys how you treat someone you care about.
As W slowly but surely gets closer and closer to being out I have some questions going forward. I will have the boys overnight 2 nights during weekdays. W says she will come to my house to get them off to school the mornings after they stay the night with me( I go to work at 4am) is this a good idea or should I make other arrangements if possible. I am unclear on if I should keep as much distance as possible or what. I just don't know what the best course of action is during a separation.
Last night we took some more things to W new house. We drove separate and I helped carry some heavy stuff W couldn't manage on her own. I finished helping and said I'm going to go. She thanked me and I left. I didn't stay long because once in a while the reality of this whole sitch hits me upside the head.
I drove home and was at my house alone. I looked around and realized the house was in total disarray. My W focus has been on getting her new place setup. She seems to be really enjoying her new adventure. At that moment I thought, why not enjoy making this place my own. I have never had to do any decorating. I always left that to my W. Doing my house the way I want it is going to be a great GAL activity for me.
At the end of the night she was going through some cooking supplies and asking what I wanted to keep. After a few minutes I just said take whatever you need and I'll figure out the rest. I didn't have the energy to even think about any of that little stuff. Weird how the dumbest things get to me. I still think this will be much easier when the moving out is over and done with.
Hi Billy, It sounds like a really tough few days for you - exhausting I am sure. Hopefully now that she is off doing her new adventure you can start to move forward and do things that fullfil you. When my wife leaves for work for the day and it is just me at home, I start to imagine what it will be like when she is gone. It must be surreal for you.
Sometimes I wonder if our love for our spouses is really more about our love for the marriage and memories as opposed to actually loving the person because if we were impartial we would never tolerate the way we are being treated. I think it was such an act of strength for you to help her move..I am still thinking how I will handle that. I hope that over the next few days you can just enjoy doing things that make you feel valuable and that life has lots to offer. Have you thought about how long you want to stay in this situation ?
At that moment I thought, why not enjoy making this place my own. I have never had to do any decorating. I always left that to my W. Doing my house the way I want it is going to be a great GAL activity for me.
BillyHo,
That's exactly what happened to me. I've been working on my house, mostly the exterior, since late spring. I built wood shutters and carriage doors and did some painting and other things. The neighbors have been raving about the changes to the house. It's been a wonderful way to spend my time and add value to the house as well.
My wife took all of the bedroom furniture so my first project was to build a bed. I saw some cedar fence posts at Lowe's so I decided to build a cedar bed using cedar fence posts and cedar 1x12 boards. It's an awesome one-of-a-kind bed. It was also symbolic for me; I could rebuild my life and I'd be just fine.
And, I've become artsy-fartsy. You should checkout Hobby Lobby if you have one in your area.
Hey Bman,
I try not think about it in terms of how long will I put up with this. I try my best not to look too far ahead. One day at a time is how I'm trying to see things. If I look back even a month ago my W and I went almost 2 months without any real conversation. Now we can communicate openly and honestly. Sure she's moving out but it's not the end of the world. I love her and my family enough that I know I am nowhere close to giving up. After all what is 7 months compared to 23yrs of being together. If we don't end up together I will be able to look in the mirror and be content with the fact that I did everything I could to save my M. Her decision is hers alone. I am willing to give her the time and space she needs to make that decision without any pressure from me.
When this started I read people saying that W is giving me the gift of time. Back then I thought what a crock, I want my wife back now! I can now step back and see that they are totally right. I have addressed things from my childhood that had shaped the person I was in adulthood in a negative way. Had this sitch not happened I would have continued the same behaviors that I am fixing today. I truly believe things happen for a reason. Whatever the reason I am ready to accept it and look forward to waking up tomorrow and doing it all over again.
My vows say for better or worse. The better is easy but the "worse" is the true measure of us all.
Thanks for checking in Doodler. My FIL and I have totally renovated just about everything in my house over the last 10yrs. We have knocked down walls, rebuilt 2 bathrooms, new kitchen, tile in kitchen, bathrooms and basement bar area, finished the basement for my man cave and built a giant play house and swing set for the boys. I think I am going to try to lay some brick to build out my fireplace with a old barn wood beam for my mantel. This spring I'm going to build a deck and patio that lead to my 8 person hot tub. Just bought my new couch and side chair and ottoman for my living room today.
I would love to see some pictures of the work you have done. The bed sounds awesome.
I read on Chris thread you hadn't had much traffic, so I am paying you a visit.
I will read your threads before I post more.
V
Your post is inspiring. Thank you. For better or for worse.