WAW is angry and filing divorce WAW still behaving angry and moving to divorce WAW still angry, moved out, D on the way? WAW moved out, spewing anger, trying to detach WAW,still angry, am I indifferent or detached now? WAW, bouts of anger still spewing, awaiting the D. I never imagined being here still, but I am thankful that I found this community and the support that it has provided.
Short recap for any new folks that may just be joining.
BD in early Feb.
Wife goes from asking for time and space because she has lost all feelings for everyone, to full on tantrum mode and following a script that you will start to see here in many a sitch.
I went into full depressive mode and lost my way and bearings for some time.
WAW moves out in mid April
D was supposed to be quick as she wanted it done ASAP as she hit her stride with he angry mode. But it has not gone quick, and I am not sure of the specific reasons why, other than she did not know what she needed and had some expectations that I did.
I am now at a point of calm as it relates to WAW and current sitch with my daughters.
But I am in fight internally with my own demons that I am working to exorcise and move forward to be the best Super Hero I can be in my own story for me, and my daughters.
Details are in the threads and I hope there are nuggets of info from my journey and or from those that have been there for me as I stumbled.
it is not a place that I would wish you were in, but it is a place of safe and support and I have not found a better place out there for this journey.
Remember this quote if your are an LBS as in it, is the secret to surviving and thriving this challenging situation in our life.
"The Secret of Change Is to Focus All of Your Energy, Not on Fighting the Old, But on Building the New." -Socrates
Need. Not want. Quiet time.
Now that is stating what I have so unsuccessfully tried to explain to the STBX for years.
Now it simply feels like a curse.
In my mind I see myself in social settings and it is exciting. I crave the thought of doing it. I am even pumped up until the point of actually doing it. Then as soon as I step into the setting, BAM!, then the energy in me feels like it is sucked clean out of me and then I feel uncomfortable. Then it is only a matter of time before I feel the need to step away and I feel drained.
But, if it is a small setting with just a couple of people. I do fine. But afterwards I do need some alone time to recharge.
I am seeking out knowledge and reasons for this and the first good news, is it is not a curse and it is more common than I would have thought.
So now to break a lifetime of poor habits and an opportunity to create some new ones.
Maybe...just maybe I can enhance my " social conditioning", same as I have with my physical conditioning over the past couple of years.
So you think that you can change that about yourself ??
I'm not sure that one can change themself from being introverted..
It's how we are built..
What you can do however, is to understand it, work within the confines, and embrace that about yourself, and understand how it plays into your activities, and communication.
For instance..
I know that I have introverted tendencies, and for the most part, I AM an introvert.
I understand that being passionate about something removes all of that, right up to the point that I "run out of gas" , and duck back into myself for a quick recharge.
As an introvert, I "think" within myself as well. I gather information, hear opinions and advice, then I crawl into myself to search for the answer that suits me the best.
As an introvert, I need to be really careful how I communicate. I give information as an introvert, yet I am guilty at times of expecting information as an extrovert.
Answers , for me, come in my time, yet I expect answers on my time as well, and that often doesn't play well into another persons criteria.
In my marriage, my ex was an extrovert. WE , handled communication very poorly.
She would ask a question, and want an answer on her time. Answers that I did not have yet. And I would become frustrated, because not only did I not have an answer yet, I didn't know how to communicate that I didn't have an answer...
The exact opposite for me, I would ask the question, get the answer, lather rinse repeat if it turned into a discussion of any depth.
My GF now, is also in introvert...
Sometimes we have a single conversation for a few hours, with lapses of quiet during them.
But we BOTH understand our communication style..
SH, embrace the tools that you have rather than to try and conform to what you think that you should be...
Introverts Unite !!!...Together!!!.........Alone.......
Mach, would you explain a bit what you mean when you ask what I think my need for validation is? I think I understand the question, but I maybe overthinking it.
For me, there are times when I crave the noise, or the external validation. Like any person, I want to hear that I did a good job, I'm a good person, etc....
But I don't always want that. I am quite capable of trusting myself to know that I am a good person, or that I did a good job on something...
I get that from within...
So...HOW do you seek validation ?
How do you communicate ?
I think that you need to check out those lines from earlier too...
Read the site itself...
This is a really good article ......SH
8-25
Hi Sh. I have read your lots of your posts to other people, and just wanted to tell you that I agree with what Mach wrote on Ginger's thread -- you ARE a class act!
SH I think Mach is referring to my friends quote of MWD's post - you know this one.
Divorce Busting
August 25, 2016
Many people ask how it's possible to create change in a relationship if your spouse isn't motivated to do the same. Here at the Divorce Busting Center, we have a telephone coaching program that is designed specifically to help people whose partners are half-way out the door. In fact, practically everyone who contacts us is dealing with a marriage hanging by a thread.
We help that person to figure out what they need to do or say differently to get a different, more productive response from their partner. Thousands of people have created positive change in their marriages by HANDLING their situations in new and better ways.
So, if your spouse is saying, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore," don't panic. There are many things you can still do to turn your relationship around. Although not all marriages can be saved, many can. Perhaps yours is one of them. Remember, it takes one to tango.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Have you really read it?
And followed ALL of Mach's advice?
I see you are in good hands with vets lining up to guide you. You have supported many here, so make the most of the guidance offered to you.
I too am an intervert. I am not sure we can really change our nature but we can stop it dictating actions that are harmful to us. We can do more stuff. We can go towards people. We can be intimate in friendships and R.
Being introvert is not an issue. The behaviours that can cause are. Identify those behaviours and work on them. Not all behaviours need to be eliminated either. They can be reduced, modified, changed, controlled, etc.
Welcome to your new digs, SH!!! The new place looks great.
Just stopping by to check on you and see how things are going. I hope you are doing well. I need to hit the hay, but I'll be back tomorrow.
Hello, Sweet Homme. I am very sorry that it's taken me this long to read through your latest posts, though I did pop by a couple days ago to say hello. Maybe you missed me? As you know, my GAL has perhaps taken over my life, and I'm trying to find a better balance. smile
I have taken your advice for the last two days, though, and I have stayed home in my land of healing and peace, my farm that I love so much. It's been so nice to just get some things together here and not spend 2 hours every day driving. I'm commuting for most of my GAL activities! It's one of the downsides to rural life, but I wouldn't trade it. I'll commute gladly if it means I can live here.
I can completely relate to your introvert tendencies, and yet also to your ability and need to interact with others. I used to be so incredibly shy that I struggled to communicate in more than single words for most of the time I was in school. I never once asked a single question in class during my entire educational career, and that was over 21 years, from K through years 8 of college, and a lot of continuing educations since! It was only in my senior year of high school that I started to overcome my inhibitions a bit better. I am really good with other people one on one and I very much enjoy meeting and talking to new people. I can even now enjoy very small groups of people. My discomfort and feeling out-of-sorts grows directly proportional to the number of people present. Parties are a complete fail for me. A dinner get-together with 6 people last weekend was actually quite good (I only knew 3 of them at first), though I also relished my time alone afterward. Part of it is that I have a very quiet voice, and if there is a lot of background noise, I really struggle to be heard, and I just kind of shut down, instead. If someone asks me to talk louder, I just want to shut up, not speak up.
Anyway, I saw this on a t-shirt yesterday, and I thought it felt a lot like me, and I think you can relate as well.
"Introverts Unite!
We're Here, We're Uncomfortable And We Want To Go Home."
Despite my shyness, even as a kid i was always at my most comfortable while meeting total strangers. On the other hand, I was, and still am, always least comfortable talking to someone I know only slightly, so I really struggled in high school because I knew most people, and only slightly. I'm good with clients, however, and very much enjoy interacting with good pet people. I have to work hard to get through the awkward stage to get to friendship, though. It'a s big commitment for me to make a new friend.
I think that we all have a lot of baggage from our childhood experiences that influence us strongly, even as adults. Your history of moving a lot certainly would change the way you invest in and interact with new people. I can see how it would make you feel as if it might not be in your best interest to invest heavily in a casual friendship because you learned that friendships were temporary.
I am very sorry to hear that there has been any lack of respect on these forums. I haven't seen it myself, but I tend to stick to my few regular friends here because I get so easily overwhelmed with the pain that the true newcomers are going through.
I do believe that we should call people on it when their behavior or words are disrespectful, both here and in the outside world, but especially here. This is supposed to be a place of refuge and support. The last thing any new LBS here needs is to feel worse about the choices they are making. We've all been there, and we all know that the harshest critic we all fight is ourselves. We've all made mistakes, and we've all done things that are anti-DB principles. We're all learning and trying to survive, and anyone that feels a need to hurt, or be disrespectful of, other people here is violating the trust in other people that everyone here needs to reestabish.
It is absolutely true, though, that you can't tell people what to do. What may be glaringly obvious to an objective outsider is often invisible to a person who is living through the situation and just not ready to see or hear what is being said. They absolutely have to come to their won conclusions and decide that they need to help themselves.
I have someone close to me that suffers from depression. I can think of so many things that I wish he could do to help himself, but until he is ready to reach out for the help he needs, there really isn't much I can do besides just be there and listen. It's very hard. It's part of the detachment lesson that we are all learning. You can care about someone, and you can wish them all the best, but you can't do the work for them and you can't let them drag you down with them. You have to find a balance.
SH, I am working very hard on myself, and please know that I am not looking to another person to mask my pain or fill the void in my life, and certainly not to save me. I look to myself for all of those things. L-friend and I have an interesting way of interacting, and I can talk to him in a way that I haven't been able to talk to many others, except here on this forum. I am learning a lot from and with him about how to communicate effectively, something that I wasn't able to do with WH.
I'm not looking for happily ever after with this person. I am just letting things unfold without any expectation beyond being kind and supportive of each other. I am constantly monitoring to maintain a healthy, yet caring level of detachment. In fact, he is the person I know who struggles with depression. It is hard to watch, but I am not in any way forming a codependent relationship with him. I read my meditations on codependency daily, just in case, so I can recognize and nip in the bud any burgeoning tendencies I may be showing, and catch him when he shows any towards me. He will need to sink or swim on his own, just as I do, and he gets as many 2x4s as I give you. wink
I am very glad to see you here and that you are getting some of the support you still need. I am still here for you , too, and am very grateful that you continue to be here for me, as well.
((((((((((Super Hero and Sweet Human))))))))))
Phoebe,
Thank you for this thought out response and catching up with me.
The introvert aspect is something that I have been called out on so many times in life that it really felt like a curse.
I could never explain why I was the way I was and conforming was just more painful than it was ever worth.
I am now learning that it is not the curse I have for so long felt it was and it is liberating.
The sad part is my learning is from watching D18 struggle with it.
WAW just wanted to take her to therapy and get her meds.
I refused and said I could work her through it.
I did. I did because I understood what she was feeling and struggling with.
I did not understand why I knew this, but I could see me in her.
The really sad part is it was this past year that d18 was finally coming into her own and feeling confident before the BD.
I think my WAW just never could understand my challenges and I could not explain them to her and when she watched d18 become much the same as me in this aspect she lost it.
She wanted to blame me for "making" her that way. She held it against me. D18 has shared with me the spew that apparently had been going on for a few years about me from her mother.
The straw to break the camels back is when d18 started defending me because she was seeing that my way of things was not due to me being angry nor controlling nor a loser. All things WAW was trying to convince folks of.
WAW saw her baby slipping away from what she wanted her to be.
Anyway, I don't want to go down that road as it hurts, but it is what it is and I accept that now.
And I accept who and what I am. I was being controlled for so many years by her behaviors and expectations of me. I am not saying it was intentional, but she never stopped to try and see what I was, she only demanded that I be what she wanted me to be.
The harder I tried to do it her way, the less I could be me. She convinced me that I was depressed and needed help and medication. Just like she wanted for our d18.
Truth be told, after the shock of the BD wore off and I have worked to get my bearings, I have felt at peace in ways that I had almost forgotten.
So now my focus is on my demons that I have held down for so much of my life.
I accept that I am an introvert. I have learned that there are many more introverts than I realized.
My goal is to adjust some bad habits that I have formed over the years due to my lack of understanding this, and trying to conform only to find it more difficult than it was worth.
It is good to hear some clarification on your sitch and your friends.
I trust that you are being cautious and observing what is needed to keep things in order.
I will say this simply out of concern for you as a friend and someone looking from the outside in and with some understanding of the struggles you are going through and the wild mix of emotions. Some of this I say for myself as well so as to stay out of a sticky relationship myself.
Be very careful in trusting the logical side of your brain as you say trying to watch for codependent behaviors and setting so many stipulations in a new found relationship.
The emotional side of your brain is running wild and desperate for companionship, actions of affection and someone to validate you in the ways you feel vulnerable. You indicated that there has been intimacy but that neither are looking for anything long term. And the final thing you mentioned that raises a flag is the challenge of depression he faces.
Step back a couple of paces and look at that mix and be completely honest what it appears.
I say this without any judgement. But please be careful.
Famous last words are when one says, I don't want anything long term, lets see how it plays out and I won't get attached.
These are words that you can only say for yourself.
What about him?
Anyway, I perceive this to be a touchy subject in this community that few want to give advice on nor touch upon with each other, and I want to tread cautiously.
You are a dear friend now.
You were with me in some dark times and even though we have not met, I feel a special sort of bond as we shared things that very few others know about outside this community.
And I would share this advice with any close friend or family member so I feel inspired to do so for you.
Please be extremely cautious and take time regularly to step back and look at it from a purely factual and logical standpoint removing personal emotions and needs aside.
Once certain lines are crossed in any sort of relationships, the slope is slippery and there is not going back with out some rough spots.
Be well my friend.
Sleep tight and I look to hear from you soon.
Mach1 thank you so much for your support and wise words.
We have met so to speak in the large social circle. As I was reading, saw between a line.
I am not part of the social circle so you did not see me, but it is a pleasure.
Soon I will return to aquaint myself.
Lance, thank you for the encouragement and assists to ensure I was reading closely. Repetition always makes for better learning retention and seeing the point.
RosaLinda, I appreciate the kind words and look forward in a manner of speaking to being neighbors soon over in the "life after D" neighborhood.
My dear friend roist.
Thank you for dropping by and as always your encouragement and wise words.
Mach,
I do want to share my thoughts in response and had planned to do so this evening, but d18 just returned form a social event that she has looked forward to and she is having a breakdown.
My post to Phoebe, explains some of it. D18 has come a long way, but still struggles with many of the same challenges as we are discussing as it relates to me.
She is crying, because of how alone she felt tonight in a group of "friends" and she says the pain is so intense that she is thinking of just not going out anymore.
UGH!!! It hurts to see this, because I know exactly how she feels.
I will journal more later as it is late.
But thank you for all of the support and I do look forward to the opportunity to chat of this and get your perspective and wisdom.
Sleep tight everyone, and to any LBS that is reading this and struggling.
Know that you will get through the dark time.
How long it takes to do so, is up to you and how much work you are willing to do.
DB will teach you sound principles.
It is up to you to put it into practice.
What do you have to lose in trying it eh?
My prayers are with each of you this night.
Opening up and sharing your inner thoughts is one thing I have noticed help so many LBS advance on working on themselves. It is truly encouraging to read your openness and honest reflections. It is a brave thing to do (especially for an introvert!!!) But it is the best way to really dig deep and improve oneself.
Reading and learning self improvement stuff is great and the awareness/understanding gathered can put you on the right track. Digging deep is what fuels the journey and brings you to where you need to get too.
I do believe some people need to understanding fully the original underlying causes of their damaging behaviours before they can rectify them. I personally think some people are capable of doing so without such past based reflection. By this I mean it is possible to advance and work on behaviours/characteristics without over analysing the causes.
I read somewhere a technique that could help you. It is founded on the basis that the subconscious ALWAYS has your best intentions at heart.So you take a damaging behavior and ask yourself why you do that/for what purpose? Then you repeat the process for the answer you found. Ultimately you come to a core belief that was the cause and it is always to help you.
For example disconnecting in a group of people could be a self protection mechanism to prevent you being hurt. The intention is good but being disconnected in a group actually hurts you more. This helps figure out how to effectively work on inner beliefs and reprogram your subconscious in a more beneficial way.
I can understand your daughter's plight but I suspect she could be the cause of the disconnection subconsciously.I will not belittle her struggle by saying she just has to decide to stay connected. It is not quite that simple yet it can be. I have had many such moments since my situation started and it was always me turning internally and never the group shutting me out.
I got to go. I had not intended writing so much. Best wishes.
Mach,
I do want to share my thoughts in response and had planned to do so this evening, but d18 just returned form a social event that she has looked forward to and she is having a breakdown.
My post to Phoebe, explains some of it. D18 has come a long way, but still struggles with many of the same challenges as we are discussing as it relates to me.
Patience....was one of my qualities from the other day...
Take your time...
We have met so to speak in the large social circle. As I was reading, saw between a line.
I am not part of the social circle so you did not see me, but it is a pleasure.
Soon I will return to aquaint myself.
I will await the return...
Soon...is a relative statement...
Your daughter sounds an awful lot like me at her age. Heck, she sounds a lot like me right now! Parties just make me feel awkward and uncomfortable, though I have come a very, very long way since I was A D18 myself.
I wonder if she also struggles in situations where she knows people only slightly, rather than knowing them well. Parties are rife with such semi-acquaintances. The absolute most difficult situation that I used to face is where I knew one person well, and the other people present knew that person, too, but I didn't know them. That was always a recipe for complete inhibition on my part. This one has improved a lot with time for me but sometimes it's still an issue.
Roist is absolutely right, though. It is almost never the group shutting the introvert out, it is the introverts that disconnect themselves. I know I did it. People would come up to me with smiles and friendly intentions, and I was so overwhelmed that I just wanted to flee. I know it didn't make me seem very open to friendship. It was so much easier on me to really know a couple people very well, than to "know" a bunch of people on a shallower level. I just didn't realize then the value in every connection I made. I was scared, and inhibited, and making more connections was difficult, so I focused on putting my energy into a few people. That pattern was almost my undoing; I had all of my eggs in the basket labeled WH, and when he left, I was, quite literally almost alone. I started reaching out ASAP, but it was hard because I didn't have much to build on.
These days I am just trying very hard to really hear the welcoming in the voices of those I spend time with. People genuinely WANT to include us introverts. We just need to find a way to connect that still allows us the time and space we sometimes need to recenter ourselves. Time, practice, and maturity can do a lot for kids like us, and I am including you in this little cohort, SH, as well as myself and your D18.
SH, I hear exactly what you are saying, and I think about that nearly every day regarding l-friend. After having been so thoroughly rejected, part of me really does crave all of the things you mentioned. I recognize that. I don't know where this new relationship is going, quite honestly, and I am doing my best to keep the lines of communication open and to monitor for red flags. Yes, the depression is a major flag, waving right in my face, and I get that and have been concerned about it since the beginning.
We have talked frankly about our attachment levels, but you are absolutely right, it is high time l-friend and I checked in with each other again on this front and talked about it frankly and openly. We have done so previously, on more than one occasion, but things are getting more muddled over time, as you so rightly surmised.
Please feel free to say anything you wish to me, SH. I won't take offense. I may not agree with everything you say, but I would still like to hear it. You don't have to tread carefully with me. You have earned your place at my advisor's table, and I value your perspective.
Thank you for your thoughts, Sage Homme. I hope you don't mind if I continue renaming you on an as-needed basis. I enjoy playing with words, and it also reflects my feeling of friendship towards you.
(((((((Super Human)))))))
Good evening.
I have thought much on the things shared with me and questions asked.
I have learned that there is more power in a good strong hug than in a thousand meaningful words.
So you think that you can change that about yourself ??
I'm not sure that one can change themself from being introverted..
It's how we are built..
I do think that I can change myself.
Not that I can pull the introvert out of me.
But that I can understand that which is hard wired and that which is malleable.
My first goal is to understand that which it means to be an introvert and accept it.
Then I will understand what I can do to adjust certain habits to benefit and capitalize on the social connections and interactions that can benefit me and those with whom I choose to have as part of my life.
There is much information, both scientific and psycological that can aid me in this venture.
Intrigued by much that I have read already.
What you can do however, is to understand it, work within the confines, and embrace that about yourself, and understand how it plays into your activities, and communication.
This is what I believe as well
My goal is to be the best me, there is with the tools that I have and the skills that I can apply to habits that will benefit in this venture.
I agree to a point that one may not be able to change from an introvert to an high energy extrovert.
Kind of like I can never become a body builder like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
But I can become the best, in shape 45 year old father, and man, with conditioning and strength that I have not had since my early years in the Army.
I have done that through dedication, consistency and creation of habits that have provided "change" to my health and physique.
I truly see emotional health and limits the same as physical ones.
You work with what you have and you create habits that push you to the next level of your potential.
For instance..
I know that I have introverted tendencies, and for the most part, I AM an introvert.
I understand that being passionate about something removes all of that, right up to the point that I "run out of gas" , and duck back into myself for a quick recharge.
As an introvert, I "think" within myself as well. I gather information, hear opinions and advice, then I crawl into myself to search for the answer that suits me the best.
As an introvert, I need to be really careful how I communicate. I give information as an introvert, yet I am guilty at times of expecting information as an extrovert.
Answers , for me, come in my time, yet I expect answers on my time as well, and that often doesn't play well into another persons criteria.
This is what I am learning about myself now.
I am seeing that I am not a broken human being.
I fear that I had break downs out of desperation over many years in my MR and what came out was behavior that I am not proud of.
Behavior that ultimately drove my STBXW straight out of my MR.
In my marriage, my ex was an extrovert. WE , handled communication very poorly.
She would ask a question, and want an answer on her time. Answers that I did not have yet. And I would become frustrated, because not only did I not have an answer yet, I didn't know how to communicate that I didn't have an answer...
The exact opposite for me, I would ask the question, get the answer, lather rinse repeat if it turned into a discussion of any depth.
I tended to think my W was an extrovert.
I have had it pointed out that she may be more introverted than I realized.
Now that I am learning this, I see it.
The issue is when she would force extroverted behavior she comes off as very socially awkward and creates uncomfortable situations.
I am seeing that she struggled with communication, because somewhere in her life, she determined that things just need to flow and effective communication is not needed. If anyone disagrees with her, she shuts down. This is where I realized more introverted tendencies. She needed time to think it over.
Unfortunately her thinking things over became rumination and a creation of her truths that may not align with what is.
The sad reality is this approach is really deteriorating her relationship with her D18.
That is an update for another time though.
The month before the BD, was a very poor month for me.
I had some things fall through on some big plans and I withdrew.
Withdrew to recharge and figure it out.
I withdrew so deep that from the outside I appeared a zombie.
I recall her asking me many times if I was okay and if I was mad, or sad or what was wrong with me.
Initially I knew that I was not any of those things.
I was simply trying to figure it out in the confines of my comfortable space.
She pushed hard.
I tried to explain in a calm manner.
She did not understand and pushed harder.
I tried more desperately to explain and this went round and round until.........poof....all up in smoke.
To me the really heartbreaking part of this all, was that I was seeking out knowledge for all of this before the BD.
I was doing this because I wanted to identify my issue in our 19 years of communication issues.
I came from a training called emergenetics which discusses much of this about people and the hard wiring of the brain.
Well guess what the results of the assessment were for me?
I fall into a category that less than 10% of folks that go through this fall into.
I require great amounts of organization and thought in order to move on things, I am very quiet when in groups and I prefer to avoid confrontation.
I was discussing this with D18 when she said, maybe we can all do the assessment and then learn better ways to interact based on the outcomes for the family.
My WAW threw this in my face several times on her way out and called it BS and that I should think for myself and not listen to what every one else says about how I am.
Hmmm......????
I will continue to seek out knowledge and learn for this.
I lost over 60 lbs through dedicated exercise and nutrition after 40 plus years of bad habits.
I am going to do the same with some emotional habits.
But we BOTH understand our communication style..
This is a key to any future relationships I will have, whether it be friend, family, business, or the long shot of a new intimate relationship.
Communication is key.
Style is necessary
And if the person thinks communication is irrelevant.
Then "Good day to you my friend."
SH, embrace the tools that you have rather than to try and conform to what you think that you should be...
Yes, to clarify.
My tools to be the best Hero in my story.
I will not conform any longer as that.....that has been the gnawing pain in my heart and soul for far to much of my life.
For me, there are times when I crave the noise, or the external validation. Like any person, I want to hear that I did a good job, I'm a good person, etc....
But I don't always want that. I am quite capable of trusting myself to know that I am a good person, or that I did a good job on something...
I get that from within...
So...HOW do you seek validation ?
How do you communicate ?
Interesting take on this.
It makes complete sense and something I definitely need to clarify in my own mind so that I can demand that of myself and strengthen from within so I know what strengthens me and what does not.
Introverts Unite !!!...Together!!!.........Alone.......
Absolutely!
My readings indicate that there may actually be more introverts in the world than extroverts.
The key is to identify them and work together to enhance our abilities and strengths.
Thank you Mach for guiding me.
I look forward to shaking your hand......
SH, your daughter is so lucky to have you.
I wish I could be a fly on the wall when you help your daughter through this. I think I would learn some parenting tips I could use with my child with social anxiety. (I don't think he's an introvert, but maybe. Can you be a talkative introvert?)
SH, never were truer words spoken:
"I have learned that there is more power in a good strong hug than in a thousand meaningful words."
I do think that I can change myself.
Not that I can pull the introvert out of me.
But that I can understand that which is hard wired and that which is malleable.
My first goal is to understand that which it means to be an introvert and accept it.
Then I will understand what I can do to adjust certain habits to benefit and capitalize on the social connections and interactions that can benefit me and those with whom I choose to have as part of my life.
Its funny actually....
I was talking to a poster here over the weekend ( who doesn't post much anymore), about Types of ADHD. I wanted to know more about it...
One thing that he said, was that he wasn't as concerned anymore about how to control his ADHD, as he was about how to use it to his advantage...
Thank you Mach for guiding me.
I look forward to shaking your hand......
Lines....
Okay,
I have to buckle down here.
I may have ADHD.
It's the whole "SQUIRREL!!" thing for me.
I am sitting down to do something that I read Vanilla does for this community.
She schedules out a way to help others, but not lose focus on her own needs.
One of those challenges I have for myself as I am discovering as well as it has been pointed out here by several of my DB friends.
I have received some wonderful benefits from helping many others here, but I am neglecting my own path and journey.
Balance.
I need balance.
I need to stop rambling.......Dam it....SQUIRREL!!!!!
So my point here is to say thank you to roist and Phoebe for you thoughts as it relates to the issue with D18 last week.
It turned out to be a great thing as she really buckled down and looked inside of herself and determined she was afraid of rejection. She pointed out some traumatic things that she felt created this for her.
Then she set a goal to go out and get rejected several times this week.
All part of the plan she is working with her IC.
Such a tough gal and a heck of an example to her dad.
roist and Phoebe are spot on and I thank you for your thoughts and supportive words for me.
Opening up and sharing your inner thoughts is one thing I have noticed help so many LBS advance on working on themselves. It is truly encouraging to read your openness and honest reflections. It is a brave thing to do (especially for an introvert!!!) But it is the best way to really dig deep and improve oneself.
Reading and learning self improvement stuff is great and the awareness/understanding gathered can put you on the right track. Digging deep is what fuels the journey and brings you to where you need to get too.
I do believe some people need to understanding fully the original underlying causes of their damaging behaviours before they can rectify them. I personally think some people are capable of doing so without such past based reflection. By this I mean it is possible to advance and work on behaviours/characteristics without over analysing the causes.
I read somewhere a technique that could help you. It is founded on the basis that the subconscious ALWAYS has your best intentions at heart.So you take a damaging behavior and ask yourself why you do that/for what purpose? Then you repeat the process for the answer you found. Ultimately you come to a core belief that was the cause and it is always to help you.
For example disconnecting in a group of people could be a self protection mechanism to prevent you being hurt. The intention is good but being disconnected in a group actually hurts you more. This helps figure out how to effectively work on inner beliefs and reprogram your subconscious in a more beneficial way.
I can understand your daughter's plight but I suspect she could be the cause of the disconnection subconsciously.I will not belittle her struggle by saying she just has to decide to stay connected. It is not quite that simple yet it can be. I have had many such moments since my situation started and it was always me turning internally and never the group shutting me out.
Thank you roist for this.
I have read it several times and I am just letting it sink in and marinating on it.
Rose, it is pleasure to have you drop by.
SH, your daughter is so lucky to have you.
I wish I could be a fly on the wall when you help your daughter through this. I think I would learn some parenting tips I could use with my child with social anxiety. (I don't think he's an introvert, but maybe. Can you be a talkative introvert?)
Thank you. And I am lucky to have my daughter. She is such an example to me.
Let me know and we can chat and share the things I teach and learn from d18.
And yes, you absolutely can be a talkative introvert. There is some fascinating information out there as it relates to introverts. I wish I would have looked into more of it years ago, instead of accepting it as a curse.
Drop by more often as I would love to converse with you.
Mach,
Did I use ADHD as my issue at the beginning of my post here because of your post to me?
Hmmmm.......
Its funny actually....
I was talking to a poster here over the weekend ( who doesn't post much anymore), about Types of ADHD. I wanted to know more about it...
One thing that he said, was that he wasn't as concerned anymore about how to control his ADHD, as he was about how to use it to his advantage...
Yes, work with what we got and be the best with what we have.
Soon...is a relative statement...
The relative statement loop
"The statement "everything is relative" (EverythingIsRelative) is an absolute statement. If "everything is relative" is true then some things (at least that statement) aren't relative. If some things aren't relative, "everything is relative" is false."
Thank you Mach for guiding me.
I look forward to shaking your hand......
"For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little:"
My ADHD brain is over thinking your words for sure.
I hope I understood what you intended.......
Once again, long winded and all over the place.
Tomorrow the daily journaling begins.
I need to see my own picture, path and was forward.
"You can tell when something's not moving forward anymore. When the doubts you have about it don't go away." Jeffrey Eugenides"Don't dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer." Denis Waitley
Thanks for the reply.
I find your daughter's decision to get rejected on purpose to be very brave. My kiddo isn't there yet. Is there anything you did as a parent that you feel helped get her to the place where she could address her issues so bravely?
What is the most helpful response you've found to a teen who is melting down over a social event?
Really, I'll take any crumbs of wisdom you can offer.
Hello, SH. Just a drive by to check in on you and send you a virtual hug. I'm falling asleep and not in any state to write much of anything. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still here.
((((((Sensational Hominid))))))
Rose, I will jump over to your thread and share some ideas and thoughts to see if you can take anything away that may aid you.
Phoebe! My dear sweet Phoebe!
Slow down already.
Hey I thought I was the crazy GALer round here, but holy cow are you just on the go go go! LOL
Seriously YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Live it up and have some of that fun now.
Pace yourself though.
We aint 21 any more.
So, I want to try a serious update as I have many things that have happened since my last real journal update.
I do want to bullet point it so as not to bore my devoted readers and followers.
Seriously, I want to jot down the things that were a big enough impact to be thought about, pondered upon and have had an influence on me. It has been just over 1 month since I documented some actual journaling of events.
So I am going to title this,
The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly! The GoodIt was a Birthday month as D18, D6 and myself all turned 1 year older. We partied for each of us and had a wonderful time.
Boy, did I get a lesson in throwing a 6 year old little girls party. I tip my heat to all the moms that do this stuff regularly. It turned out great and the lil one had a blast.
A friend from work took care of me for my B day. Took me to a ball game and we had awesome seats. Then he took me to see Suicide Squad. it was alright, but fun to hang out.
My girls also set up a small party for the 3 of us in which we went to breakfast and then to a place here to bowl and play games. More for d6, than anything, but it was a fun time.
D18 found the most awesome job. She is such an example of not following the crowd or status quo no matter how much pressure she gets from peers or family. She is working at a start up digital marketing company, getting paid really well. Started off as her looking for an internship to do what she is interested in (marketing), offered a paid job part time instead, was just asked last week to be full time and the company is growing. The things she is learning are amazing.
When I am asked why she is not starting college, I respond, "Because she is getting an education. "
She loves the opportunity and is doing well.
D18 has made some huge strides in her social realm. I reported a breakdown for her, and she has turned it into a success and self created challenge. She is such an example to me. Goodness how lucky am I to have a daughter like her???
D6 has been off to a great start in first grade. She is doing pretty well in spite of the situation. She is always so cheerful and happy when she is with me. Just a sweetheart through and through.
I am still employed, although my employer is at a cross roads and I may have to move on to another opportunity sooner than I would like to under the circumstances. But hey, after what I have been through the last 6 months. I think I can handle that if it happens. Meanwhile I am looking to set up some proactive options.
2 weeks ago I attended a leadership seminar at work and it was put on by a woman that has been names as one of the top woman business coaches in my area and has been working with a number of fortune 500 companies etc.
Now the reason I mention this, is because as she was presenting healthy successful ways to progress through change, she shared a little bit of her story.
Her story was that 7 and a half years ago, she had been married about 10 years, had 2 small daughters and was working with her husband in a couple of small businesses.
She then shared how she remembers it like yesterday.
It was the end of a long work day and her H needed his phone. She went to grab it for him, so he could finish up something on the computer. As she grabbed the phone a message on the screen caught her attention. It said, "I love you and I can't wait to see you."
She had not sent this text to her husband.
He left the next day to hook up with an old GF from high school. She was left with her daughters, over 40000 dollars in debt from the businesses and a broken heart.
Not even 1 minute to Db is she wanted to.
Do you know what she did next?
Yup, set up the thriving professional coaching business that she runs and is on the top of the world.
Single mom. Debt out of her ears. On her own.
She overcame the BD.
I can overcome it.
And each of you LBS reading this sure as heck can as well.
You simply have to want to.
I am in a good place overall. Fighting some demons that existed for me before the BD, but now my perspective on things and temperament is much different, so maybe it was all for a reason.
The BadThe day after my B day, I was getting ready to go to church and then just broke down and cried. Came out of no where and I could not put my thumb on exactly what the trigger or cause was. I was able to pull myself together, but ended up just staying in all day and relaxing.
WTF????
d18 has had a couple of breakdowns as she has ventured into the social world. It has been a learning lesson for me. But she is prevailing.
d18 has seen her IC several times and feels it is helping her. She is learning how to manage her mothers behaviors with love and boundaries.
d6 was off for a bit over the past month. Little comments and conversations that just break my heart, but she to appears to be prevailing and handling this like a champ as well.
Still keeping my eye in it.
My support group has dwindled and now I am thinking of distancing myself from a good friend of 30 years, because his sitch with his WW is wearing me out. He complains regularly about it and the thing is, his WW is actually trying to piece. He cannot get over the hurt and it may blow up the whole thing. Nothing she does is good enough, even though she does what he wants. But, when I need someone to chat with he is always busy or hard to get a hold of. He is the quintessential MR Nice Guy as I understand the info on this.
I am hiding and go through the same routines. I know it is not going to help me move forward, but I feel frozen and with out directions right now.
The UglyThe relationship between my d18 and her mother is deteriorating more and more. Her mom complains that she never goes to see her. D18 says that when she goes, her mother ignores her.
They fight on the phone when d18 does not jump at everything her mom wants. And when I say fight, I mean, D18 sticks to the boundaries and consequences and her mother kicks, screams throws out guilt trips, hangs up and refuses to acknowledge d18 saying I love you mom, and does not ever say she loves d18.
She also stalked d18 this past Monday. D18 turned down an invite from her mother as it was a last minute one, and she already had plans with friends. She told her mother she was going hiking and told her where.
Mom showed up, acted surprised to run into d18, akward exchange of pleasantries and then d18 said she had to go to take friends home. This bothered her for the rest of the day.
What the...????
Over a month and still no idea what the deal is with the D. I got all the docs to my L 3 and half weeks ago. Have a couple of calls out the week and no word yet.
STBX was snappy about this a couple of weeks ago, because her L told her they needed the proposed holiday schedule. She asked me why, I responded that she could ask her L why. He requested it. She said, your L requested it from mine. I said, okay. she said you don't know why. I said, I am not interested why, my L is handling it. She got nasty with her witch cackle.....uh, hat was not very nice of me...but hey, that is what it sounds like when she is trying to belittle me and does not know what to say.
I simply responded that it might be best if she want to have an adult conversation we could do it another time as d6 did not need to hear this. She tried the witch cackle again, but it seemed to catch in her throat and she just rolled her eyes.
I smiled and bid her good day....good day...I said good day!!
(That 70 show for reference)
I am going to try and go in and conquer some of these demons of mine, or at least throw a bridle on them and take control of where they walk. Still stuck in a limbo state, but not really stuck if that makes any sense.
So that is an update and the events that remain in my mind from the past month and hold some value to my thoughts.
Onward I will go.
Life is about growth and progress.
Bumps in the road will happen.
I will look at this as an opportunity to learn and grow.
A setback is a setup for a comeback. Once one realizes that we do not control everything and that bad things happen to good people we can push on.
Why should I think that I am immune from something like this?
Great and successful people throughout history arrived after a tragedy of sorts.
This is the story of my tragedy.....
And I will write until which time I can describe the triumph after said tragedy.
May you each have a peaceful rest and experience calm so that you can take the next step in your journey.
"The tragedy of life is not that we die, but is rather, what dies inside a man while he lives." -Albert Schweitzer “It is not triumph which defines a man, but tragedy. Triumph always brings out the best in men, but tragedy shows us what we are made of.” -― Jocelyn Murray
My ADHD brain is over thinking your words for sure.
I hope I understood what you intended.......
You know the site....
You know the date...
You know the post...
This is a really good article......SHAnd I think you should read it..
Every line...
I look forward to shaking your hand......
I will go wash it.....
: )
RosaLinda, I appreciate the kind words and look forward in a manner of speaking to being neighbors soon over in the "life after D" neighborhood.
I was not exaggerating. You are truly amazing, honestly, 7 months after my bomb drop I was a soggy weepy pursuing mess
You're sort of a natural born DBer! I love how you reach out to help others. I look forward to shaking your hand someday too, although giving you a hug is more my style!
I'm sorry we're gonna be neighbors over in Surviving soon, but have learned it's not a bad place to be. Life is what we make of it huh, and I'm truly grateful to have been given a second chance at it!
SH I think Mach is referring to my friends quote of MWD's post - you know this one.
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Divorce Busting
August 25, 2016
Many people ask how it's possible to create change in a relationship if your spouse isn't motivated to do the same. Here at the Divorce Busting Center, we have a telephone coaching program that is designed specifically to help people whose partners are half-way out the door. In fact, practically everyone who contacts us is dealing with a marriage hanging by a thread.
We help that person to figure out what they need to do or say differently to get a different, more productive response from their partner. Thousands of people have created positive change in their marriages by HANDLING their situations in new and better ways.
So, if your spouse is saying, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore," don't panic. There are many things you can still do to turn your relationship around. Although not all marriages can be saved, many can. Perhaps yours is one of them. Remember, it takes one to tango.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Have you really read it?
And followed ALL of Mach's advice?
I love MWD and am also truly grateful for all the help she gives us, in her Divorce Busting books, these facebook posts, the DB coaches (I had Chuck and he was so helpful to me), and on this forum. It's sort of become a cliche, but although I was not able to save my marriage, divorce busting helped me to save my soul.
Happy birthday month to you and your girls! I'm so sorry that your D18 is having such a hard time with your STBX. Teenaged girls and their moms often have a rocky love-hate relationship anyway, this must be doubly hard for your daughter, having her mom do all that crappy immature stuff - throwing out guilt trips, hanging up, refusing to say she loves D18. Ugh. And then stalking her.... sheesh. Thank God your girls have you Sh, truly their rock and stability during this horrible time in their lives.
Over a month and still no idea what the deal is with the D. I got all the docs to my L 3 and half weeks ago. Have a couple of calls out the week and no word yet.
Where do you live? 3 1/2 weeks after turning in documents unfortunately is not that long in the divorcing world.
I am going to try and go in and conquer some of these demons of mine, or at least throw a bridle on them and take control of where they walk. Still stuck in a limbo state, but not really stuck if that makes any sense.
That makes perfect sense! You are growing and moving forward! Carry on!
My favourite superhero,
I had to break my self- imposed exile to wish you well in your new digs. I will have to visit the rest of my posse soon too.
I have been scanning through your latest updates. I am sorry that your RL support system has sort of fallen apart. So sorry too to hear about your mum's recent fight with cancer and the toil it has taken on you and your parents.
You are going and have gone through a lot. You are one heck of a superhero, green or whatever colour you may want to be. Don't you dare forget about this!
Holes in brain syndrome is still very much present for me so I can't really articulate as much as I want to.
But do know that you have touched my life in a far away continent. We may never meet in real life but I am thankful that I am able to have met you and been adopted into your online tribe.
Mach1
You know the site....
You know the date...
You know the post...
This is a really good article......SH
And I think you should read it..
Every line...
Yes.
Yes I do.
I have read every line.
I have seen the legend that told me of the great article.
I will go wash it.....
: )
Yes, that is good
Always a good show of etiquette.
RosaLinda
You are too kind.
I can do hugs. Not my thing typically, but D18 is teaching me the value of them.
I ma changing and trying new thing, so i would welcome a hug from such a kind person as you.
Natural born DBer huh? I'll take that.
I feel I did not get much of a shot at it with my WAW. I knew I needed something for years, but was not able to identify what until it was to late.
I do stand by all that is DB and the wisdom of MWD as it clearly is a deeper message than simply changing up things to save our marriage.
I sometimes feel that I am simply a survivor, more so than a Dber, but your compliment is one I will put on and wear with pride nonetheless.
Thank you for the Birthday wishes, it will be an interesting year to look back on these ones for my family.
I live in the Southwest US and in my area once files, it could take as little as 2 months for the D. Supposedly it was files by her on April 29th. It is out of character to not hear back from my L so that is where my concern is. That and STBX tries to indicate that I am dragging things out. Funny as there is not much to drag out. I am in a no fault 50 50 state so it is pretty clear cut and with the finances already taken care of, it is more just some retirement stuff and custody details. I am not in a rush as the only thing that will change for me is a few dollars a month for child support and the legality of bing able to date and marry again. Child support is no big deal and the dating thing....not for a while, so things remain as they are now.
Chuck is my DB coach as well. Good guy and helped me in the thick of it all. I still have 2 more sessions, just not sure what he can do for me now.....
I agree, this community helped me in my darkest of moments....I will pay that back 1000 fold as I can not express the details of how it saved me....there were several that I will forever be indebted to even if they do not know it.
And now I continue to find new friends for a new leg of my journey. You Linda are now one of them.
GRL!!!
JksD!!
Dory!!
So good to hear from you again.
I was sad to see you in such a state of late.
I was not expecting that and it was hard and I was at a loss as to what to say or do.
You are a dam fine woman
And no matter what the XH does with...how to you call her?
TPT?
You are the real queen and she is....well not even worth mentioning.
I saw a post in the instagram world that applies here.
It was a pic of a man and woman kissing with a guy behind them jumping for joy.
The caption was, "When your ex finally moves on and starts ruining someone elses life."
LOL.
Just a slight perspective shift for some of us and we will feel more at peace.
Woefully you won't be away to long as I always appreciate you and what you have brought to my life in these times.
(((SH)))
Solid Heart, your words are solid and your heart is gold! You inspire me to keep DBing even tho I am technically piecing. I try and see DB as a way of life and I am no where near mastery!
Your thread has me thinking a lot this evening and I thank you. I will not hijack your thread but I am thinking a lot about how being an introvert (H) vs extrovert (me) leads to communication problems and to some extent the breakdown of our M in the past. Perhaps we all should explore that in our own sitch and what we can and cannot control.
More later.
-Blu
When I am asked why she is not starting college, I respond, "Because she is getting an education. " wink She loves the opportunity and is doing well.
I really admire young people who are not afraid to strike it out on their own and not buy into the mentality that you have to go directly to college after HS. Digital marketing is huge - for my business, it is make or break. She could wind up being very successful on her own terms.
Her story was that 7 and a half years ago, she had been married about 10 years, had 2 small daughters and was working with her husband in a couple of small businesses.
She then shared how she remembers it like yesterday.
It was the end of a long work day and her H needed his phone. She went to grab it for him, so he could finish up something on the computer. As she grabbed the phone a message on the screen caught her attention. It said, "I love you and I can't wait to see you."
She had not sent this text to her husband. sick
He left the next day to hook up with an old GF from high school. She was left with her daughters, over 40000 dollars in debt from the businesses and a broken heart.
Not even 1 minute to Db is she wanted to.
Do you know what she did next?
Yup, set up the thriving professional coaching business that she runs and is on the top of the world.
Single mom. Debt out of her ears. On her own.
She overcame the BD.
I can overcome it.
And each of you LBS reading this sure as heck can as well.
You simply have to want to.
I mean, that's an inspiring story and everything - but I'm pretty sure that there was much more to the story and she took him to court to get as much money as she could. Good story though, I'm sure starting a successful business is enough of a challenge as it is.
The day after my B day, I was getting ready to go to church and then just broke down and cried. Came out of no where and I could not put my thumb on exactly what the trigger or cause was. I was able to pull myself together, but ended up just staying in all day and relaxing.
You go around putting on a brave face and a cheerful attitude for the world for however long, and that takes effort. Sometimes it's too much and you just have to let your guard down and be human. Everyone on this board has been there.
They fight on the phone when d18 does not jump at everything her mom wants. And when I say fight, I mean, D18 sticks to the boundaries and consequences and her mother kicks, screams throws out guilt trips, hangs up and refuses to acknowledge d18 saying I love you mom, and does not ever say she loves d18.
You reap what you sow. If your wife is not acting like a loving and mature parent, then your D18, who is almost an adult, will treat her as she deserves.
STBX was snappy about this a couple of weeks ago, because her L told her they needed the proposed holiday schedule.
It enrages me that the lawyers get so involved as to make demands about our personal lives like this. I absolutely detest all 'family law' lawyers at this point. Vultures.
Some journaling and updates to stay to my plan.
It has been a nice weekend.
D6 just adds so much joy and happy to me and my humble abode.
I know she is out of sorts with the current situation, but she sets the example for knowing that joy and peace are a choice and come from within.
She stays in the moment and is thankful for what she has. She may bug me to death at the store about getting her this or getting her that, but she is never angry or sad if and more often than not when I do not provide for her requests.
She still loves me just the same and will giggle and tease me and give me hugs and smiles and tell me she knows how it makes me and her happy.
She works to understand the time and days that she will be with her mother and with me and looks forward to each, while enjoying the moments with each.
How often do we hear, that we should look to children to re learn the simple lessons in life that bring comfort and joy?
I am now beginning to understand the wisdom in this.
D18 has been on a path that is headed straight to success in so many things.
Since her breakdown a couple of weeks back she has implemented a plan to be more aware of her self and her inner feelings. She has created opportunities for herself to fail and succeed in several aspects of her life such as professionally, personally, socially and with her family.
Her part time job has become full time and her young boss is teaching her the ropes as it relates to running a business.
She has taken control of her social situations by pushing herself to meet new people, being aware of her own projections of loneliness or discomfort. She studies it, applies it, learns from it and pushes on.
She came home early from church today and told me we needed to talk. She said that this morning she was feeling the need to manage her time in a way that would ensure time with her sister, with her dad and with her mother. She felt this was being lost in her busy schedule. At church there was a lesson on the value of time with family and so she felt that she needed to do something about it.
She came home, shared with me and asked if we could set up a schedule/plan to help her.
She is doing well and has been in a peaceful and calm state daily since that evening.
The examples of my children bring such great joy to me and to be honest, sometimes have me asking what I ever did to deserve such wonderful little people to be be placed in my charge and care to raise.....
God is good to me.
In spite of the challenges I have faced, I must push forward and make something of all of it, so it is not for nothing.
D18 spent Saturday morning with her mother . She said she had a nice time.
Later she shared some concerns and they are the following.
Her mother is struggling she says.
She crashed her car.
She hates her job and does not know what to do as she has to stay for many more years to get the retirement.
She has no friends and spends most free time with her brother.
Many of her supporters from her decision to divorce have fallen off.
She spends her money to "decorate" her small rental home and other frivolous things.
She complains that her garden keeps dying.
And the most bizarre update is that her mom sleeps with pepper spray as she is afraid.
She told D18 that a car drove up late one night and parked in front of her house with the headlights on and sat there for 20 minutes or so. They then took out a phone and took a picture and drove off.
My heart breaks. It breaks, because this was a happy go lucky woman for so many years and now she is angry, bitter, scared, sad, paranoid even and yet she is doing very little for her self.
I know. I should not worry about her. My concern for her is not to get her back, not to do anything for her per se, but it is simply that of a person that feels sad for another that I know.
She is the mother of my children and to hear the sadness in d18's voice even when she is frustrated with her mothers behavior just tears at me some.
Friday as I picked up d6, I was in the school parking lot and she brought her out to me. This was the moment that I noticed the great effort she has put into avoiding contact with me.
With no where or one to look at, she ensured that she did not look at me, acknowledge me nor respond to my pleasantry of "hello".
She stood in front of me and spoke with D6 as if I was not there.
This got me to thinking about how so many LBS comment on how they wish they could detach from the WAS/WS the way they have detached from us.
The STBXW is not detached from me.
Far too many of her emotions are focused on me.
She makes great efforts to harbor anger, resentment, and many other negative emotions towards me.
She asks D18 and D6 many questions about what I do and comments negatively about all of it.
She is in pain and much of it is self inflicted.
I see now that the many years of her complaining about co workers, family members or acquaintances were all red flags. she gossiped and spoke poorly of these folks.
I thought it was just the venting of a person to a person in confidence.
It was not.
It was poor emotional habit that has become a reality or her.
Now I am the central figure in her poor habit.
This is what unhealthy attachment can look like.
I pray for her, because I am truly at a place, where I wish her the best.
No one deserves to be so miserable.
No one.
Don't get me wrong.
I have my moments of frustration and anger.
But I identify these as my own demons.
She no longer has those puppet strings.
I pray for her.
I forgive her
I love her.
I am moving forward without her
I hope she can find peace
Her daughters deserve to have a mother that can be peaceful and in a good place.
This update is a bit longer than planned.....but in line with my wordiness and inner random run away thoughts......
I am in a good place of calm.
I seek to identify the road I will travel.
I am focused on the love and care of my 2 daughters.
I am focused on my success as it relates to profession, mission in life, opportunity to help others and to create some chapters in my story that I will look back on with pride....not regret.
Sleep well all those that read this and those that are of my tribe and great support here in this community.
“Self-control is strength. Right thought is mastery. Calmness is power. ” James Allen
I am reposting this wise thought from my friend Ripe.
Life energy and the control we have can make the difference in overcoming the darkness........
"Life is for You
When you learn how to be curious about what is going on inside of you, you discover the ability to meet whatever you are experiencing without turning it into a problem. You can then give the energy that was bound up in your struggles the attention and the spaciousness it needs in order to let go. This brings you back to the free-flowing aliveness that you truly are – the field of your being.
In order to be curious about what is going on rather than always trying to control it, it is important to know that your life is for you. Life is not just a random series of events that happen because you did it right or you did it wrong. Instead, it is an intelligent unfolding that is revealing itself to you all day long, bringing you step-by-step from unconsciousness to consciousness. Or as Eckhart Tolle says, “Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.”
A fine Monday it has been for me.
I see much pain, pity, anger and debates here in the community that evoke many thoughts and emotions for me.
But for today, I will simply say,
Dig deep.You will find the peace, calm, happiness and sincerest form of love that you will ever find.
I will bid everyone good night with a short poem and a link to a video that I think many here in the community could use......
The Man Who Thinks He Can
Attitude is Everything!
If you think you are beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you'd like to win, but think you can't
It's almost a cinch you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you've lost.
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow's will:
It's all in his state of mind.
If you think you're outclassed, you are:
You've got to think high to rise,
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You'll ever win that prize.
Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man,
But sooner or later the man who wins
Is the one who thinks he can.
Attributed to Author Napoleon Hill
Just a heads up the short vid does contain several curse words, so be aware if you find cursing offensive.
May you take away value and thoughts to ponder.
It can be better.
You simply have a decision to make.
Sleep well
SH
I like the new tone to your posts. Stuck you are no longer. (My best Yoda attempt). I like your support network/fanclub too.
I have a few thoughts about one paragraph in all your recent long posts. I am reducing my time on this site so I won't be able to discuss all your great ponderings. Keep pondering and keep sharing. I like reading your s tuff.
Anyway I wanted to chat about the recent conversation between your W and D18. Although it is probably not the case, I would be concerned about your D being a sounding board for the woes of two divorcing parents.I think it us great ye both can discuss such things with her. Your D has a lot on her plate and seems to be a caring compassionate young adult. As such she may want to try solve yer problems. She has enough on her plate. You sound like a great dad, so this probably didn't need to be said, but just looking out for you and yours.
As for the content of your W's revelations to D, honestly I think it is great. Leaving you has not improved her life. If anything made it worse. Maybe she us still blaming you but now her happiness has nothing to do with you. She realises that she isn't happy. Given time she will surely realise YOU are not, he cause. That can take a long time but could be starting to happen.
These revelations to D could be for a multitude of reasons including trying to connect with her D. It could also just be a pity party. But maybe.....just maybe...... it was her way of communicating her current feelings to you. She surely knew D would tell you.
I don't want you to dwell on this and definitely don't over analyse it. I thought it merited to be highlighted as those words have often being said by the WAS at their turning point.
I like also that you felt empathy for W without wanting to help/fix her. Stay your path. Concentrate on you.
I know you are no longer waiting for or even wanting a turn around from her. But by mentioning my thoughts I wanted you to give a little thought to this eventuality. I reiterate it could be a long time if ever coming, but maybe being fore warned could help you consider and reconsider your stance/viewpoint.
I am a strong believer in not stressing about crossing bridges that may never come up. But I also believe there is no need to burn such bridges. As long as they remaking intact, we can choose whether we cross them or even approach them again.
I'll take one of those coaching sessions off of your hands!! Joking aside it is great to have two in your pocket for whenever you may need them.
Before going I would echo many posters here on your being a good dad. I don't know many parents who's 18 year old can talk to them about their inner worries and demons.
Hey buddy....
Lines
Once you flip the light switch, darkness becomes a light that you could never have imagined....
How are you doing today ???
Just felt the need to post this in my story.
From a fellow DB brother here in the community
One question I was asked by an employee once was this: What is the difference between VENTING and NEGATIVITY. I thought about it for a few days, and here's what I came up with:
VENTING is when the adversity you are facing temporarily exceeds your ability to cope. Finding yourself in the red zone you need to blow off some steam to a friend or outlet. But then, after cooling down, you look at your situation, take accountability, and ultimately do better in the future. You think about new ways to look at things, process it, and mentally prepare so next time this stimulus occurs you won't boil over again. You recognize that YOU are the thing that needs to change, and you make those changes.
NEGATIVITY starts the same, when the adversity you are facing temporarily exceeds your ability to cope, and blowing off steam to a friend or outlet. But then it shifts, and instead of holding yourself accountable, you go on to blame the world around us. You conclude that the world and people in it are the problem, and that there is no way you can not be upset or angry or negative as long as your environment and the people around remain unchanged. This leads to frustration with our inability to control things around us, and a repetitive cycle where we get upset about the same things again and again without growth or relief.
If you are reading this ask yourself.....
Are you venting, or keeping your thoughts and reality mired in negativity?
“A particular train of thought persisted in, be it good or bad, cannot fail to produce its results on the character and circumstances. A man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances. ” -James Allen
Good evening.
I have had a head cold for the past 2 days and it is kicking my behind.
You know the kind that you think you feel better until you stand up or actually have to think.
Then it's an all systems shut down and grrrrrrr......
Ain't no body got time for this.
roist, thank you again for your words of awareness and wisdom.
You are right in that I need to stay aware of keeping my d out of the middle of it all. I have been doing a good job of this and her desire to share with me I think was just to get it off her chest. I have found both d18 and d6 are sharing random bits of info in there own way.
I do hear them and then gently change the subject. But a good reminder.
The IC sessions for d18 have been good to allow her to discuss these things there.
I appreciate your thoughts also on the bridges and not burning them.
This is something that I have thought on.
Oddly I feel a strong desire to just focus on myself and create the person in me that will attract the person I beleive that I desire to be partners with and build that wonderful relationship that I am afraid I had given up hope on many years ago.
Almost as if I have been given a second chance to get to be the me that I truly am and want to be and be with the person that will love and cherish me.
But I get way ahead of myself.
My goal is to get to know who I am, what I am capable of being and create what it is that I want to attract first in myself.
But, I will not burn bridges. Because that is the higher part of myself that I want to be.
Mach1 my friend.
Lines....
Hmmmm.....
I am doing well in spite of this cold.
Just feel drained and like there is a dark shadow of depression creeping around the far edges of my mind....
But I am aware and choose not to let it advance...
Just am praying for energy to keep pushing forward.
Enjoyed my evening with both my girls in spite of not feeling well.
I did speak with my L yesterday and it appears that the case for d that was filed at the end of April was dismissed because she and her L did not.follow up on things.
I think she is a low priority as she has refused to pay for much more than the minimum. My l mentioned something like I had paid more and had the part of the work done that we should have so we just wait on them now.
She has mentioned nothing.
She can barely acknowledge my presences when we have to see each other for exchange of my d6.......
Does it bother me
Maybe....
But I choose to not let it.
Don't fight darkness - bring the light, and darkness will disappear. Maharishi Mahesh Yogi
SH, did you ever watch the video where the original Sweet Brown interview is mixed and set to music. I'm sure you have! OMG. I love that video. I'm going to have to go watch it again, since you reminded me about her!
I have to say that your news that the original D case has been dismissed is really surprising. And bizarre. And I'm thinking that it must also be a bit frustrating, because you are squarely in limbo again.
It seems that you and I have a somewhat similar feeling about treading near the edge of the dark shadowlands. Most of the time, I'm doing quite well these days, but yesterday I got triggered really badly, and literally went down to the ground sobbing and hyperventilating in the land of shadows, which happened to be in my diningroom. I had this flashback feeling that I was right back in the same time and space as the first time WH ran away from an argument that came seemingly out of the blue. I closed my eyes and I pull see hi in the doorway, saying that he was scared. I didn't understand. He was scared to sever his ties to me, but he didn't say that. I just recognize it in hindsight.
This was about 18 months before he ran away for good. In hindsight, I now know that he was already fully engaged in his wayward/pre-wayward behavior by then (clubbing and telling new "friends" that he was divorced), but the emotional pain I experienced last night was worse than when that particular argument actually occurred, because now I know what was really going on.
At the time, I was mostly in a state of shock because I didn't understand WTF had happened and how it had escalated so rapidly. I was completely taken aback and simply reacting. When he walked out the door and drove back to the house in the other state, I got in the car and followed him. In hindsight, I should have just let him go. It was foreshadowing, but at the time it just seemed like I made an obvious gesture that he was important to me, we talked, and eventually got things back on track.
Apparently not. To my everlasting regret, we didn't go get help right away. Maybe it would have changed something. Or maybe it wouldn't have. I'll never know.
I'm sorry, SH. I just journaled all over your thread. And here I was supposed to be sleeping. : ( It's now after 5 am in my neck of the woods. Drat.
I forgot!!!
((((((((Sparrow Hawk)))))))
I hope that you are sleeping soundly. Good night.
Mach1 my friend.
Lines....
Hmmmm.....
I am doing well in spite of this cold.
Just feel drained and like there is a dark shadow of depression creeping around the far edges of my mind....
But I am aware and choose not to let it advance...
Just am praying for energy to keep pushing forward.
Hey buddy....
Find one thing this weekend that will take you out of your comfort zone....
Push yourself a little further than you have before with something that you cannot imagine that you would ever do....
What would that look like ??
How could that open a door for you ???
Start to write your own ending, to your story....
Oh, and if you like that line, you should "like" that line....
You got that head cold too? I had it last week thanks to my petri dishes...uh.. I mean beloved children .
So remember the motto, believe nothing they say and half of what they do? I am wondering if your W's refusal to follow through with the D is her inner conflict? IF she suddenly had an epiphany that she was making the worst mistake of her life, what would you do? Would you take her back immediately or have specific requirements? I am asking this more out of curiosity since I am still 180'ing and have to decide how I will handle it if WH has a REAL break through.
Sorry you're not feeling well Sh, I know exactly the kind of cold you mean. It sounds so...wimpy I guess, to complain (vent? LOL) about having a cold because it sounds so benign, but boy oh boy, they surely make you feel so cruddy. Hope you feel better soon!
What are your feelings about the divorce action your wife filed being dismissed due to her and her lawyer not following thru? Will the fact that you paid and filed the forms she requested make it go thru on your end? Maybe you will not be joining us over in Surviving after all!
Oddly I feel a strong desire to just focus on myself and create the person in me that will attract the person I beleive that I desire to be partners with and build that wonderful relationship that I am afraid I had given up hope on many years ago.
Almost as if I have been given a second chance to get to be the me that I truly am and want to be and be with the person that will love and cherish me.
Are you referring to a real person (your wife or some other woman you know) or is the person you want to attract a hypothetical future life partner? You are a great guy, and all the work you are doing on yourself is turning you in to quite a catch, hopefully for your wife once she comes back to her senses, or if she does not, for some other worthy woman.
Start to write your own ending, to your story....
Oh, and if you like that line, you should "like" that line....
This is great advice from Mach. I know that your situation with your wife makes you feel a bit depressed around the edges, that's normal, but how exciting to be given a second chance to be the you that you really are inside. That is exactly how I feel too. I truly wanted to reconcile with my ex, but am now glad that it did not work out, and am so grateful to have been given a second chance. Life is good! And I "liked" that line too!
Phoebe!!
Sweet Brown is hilarious! Ain't nobody got time for that!!
It seems that you and I have a somewhat similar feeling about treading near the edge of the dark shadowlands. Most of the time, I'm doing quite well these days, but yesterday I got triggered really badly, and literally went down to the ground sobbing and hyperventilating in the land of shadows, which happened to be in my diningroom. I had this flashback feeling that I was right back in the same time and space as the first time WH ran away from an argument that came seemingly out of the blue. I closed my eyes and I pull see hi in the doorway, saying that he was scared. I didn't understand. He was scared to sever his ties to me, but he didn't say that. I just recognize it in hindsight.
Now this make my heart lurch reading.....
My last experience with this was the day after my birthday.
Ugh.....
But I am studying away at the emotions and feeling stuff as I must understand and master this mess in my head.
Short version..
We aint broke because we experience this.
It can break us if we let it continue.
We can be aware and actually put in mental exercises and conditioning to control this.
Funny thing I am learning.
We control our mind...it does not control us....It is a matter of first knowing, then doing,learning, then doing some more, then doing some more.
But my dear Phoebe...we must get your sleep issues under control.
It is adding to your other stresses such as this episode, your shaking, tears etc.
I know you have convinced yourself that you are a night owl...that may not be true as much as one believes...I am learning that there are measures you really need to look into and try, and if not, then seek assistance and possible diagnoses of sleep disorders.
But poor sleep patterns is not healthy, physically nor mentally.
Please do not discount what I encourage you to seek for this....
You owe it to yourself at this point.
(((((Phoebe)))))
PS, journal away on my thread anytime....at least I know you are still out there and kicking when I see it.
Sara,
Yes, the petri dish...lol.
I am starting to shake it. I was able to jog and exercise again today after several days off. Still not 100%, but rebounding.
You ask a good question.....
Unfortunately as I stopped to think on it, the only answer I can muster up is...
I may be a WAH at this point.
Don't get me wrong. I love her. With all of my heart. But what has transpired over the past 6 months, and what I feel when I see her...when I see the pain behind the my baby girls smiles and strength to simply push on and enjoy each moment...The memory of the pain and way she tore out and did so without explanation....The bitterness behind her eyes that I catch but a momentary glimpse, because she ensures that she does not look at me......I don't know that I can put that behind.
I forgive her.....I truly believe that I have forgiven her, because I have no ill will towards her...no anger...simply sadness in my heart at the pain I see her in, the pain she inadvertently causes her baby girls...it hurts, but I forgive her.
I just don't know if I can forget.......
No, the dismissal is merely a formality due to her lack of follow through and efforts. It is a continuous pattern from our years together. it is not a change of heart. The few moments I see her during the week, she is more cold, bitter and angry than ever. She just has no arena to act out in. No one is paying her circus of monkeys an mind.
She wanted to make the big decisions, she just wanted me to handle all of the details....Now she is responsible for doing so herself.....and money does not flow for her. After 20 years of having me just simply take care of the bills and costs for her decisions, she now has to face it on her own.
Paying for a D is not like going out to dinner. It is several months salary for a school teacher........
There are many here that will better be able to answer your question in a manner that will benefit you in the case that your H has his own epiphany. And while I can not share for you here, you know I am here for you and will cheer you on and or holler at you if you are giving in too soon.
(((Sara))) One of the best Dbers that I have seen in my time here.
Much love and respect for you.
RosaLinda,
My dear sweet neighbor. Do keep an open chair for me in your neighborhood as I will be there soon.
The hold up is an anticipated event, as she has long liked to blame me for in action, but I now see it as projection.
These past seven months have been hell for me and my family, but it has opened my eyes to see more truths about myself without the taint and tint of her comments and judgements of me. The delay for this is on her, while blaming me for it, it is now apparent that I had nothing to do with it....She knows this as she has not brought it up to me again.
My feelings you ask....They are that of, "oh well...."
The only thing that changes when it is finalized, is the few dollars per month for child support and the technical legality that I could marry again.
So as I was told many times in the beginning, it is a simple piece of paper and really does not change my situation. Many early DBers should heed this as the fear of D, is all in ones mind. I see this clear as day now. Since I followed the advice to legally protect finances early on, there really is no battle to deal with.....Sound advice I received and followed.
Are you referring to a real person (your wife or some other woman you know) or is the person you want to attract a hypothetical future life partner? You are a great guy, and all the work you are doing on yourself is turning you in to quite a catch, hopefully for your wife once she comes back to her senses, or if she does not, for some other worthy woman.
I refer to an unknown potential partner in the future......
An unknown woman in an unknown future.....
But only after I determine who and what I am in my core.
Not a moment sooner.
I strongly believe in the law of attraction and I am learning what it is to love ones self, so that I may attract not only a potential partner if that is in the cards, but other relationships that benefit socially, professionally, spiritually.
On a planet with like a bazillion people and we get so caught up in the relationship of just one?
And for 50% txt one is not even the best option if D is the outcome......
Why hold on so tight and cry over it?
I am setting out to understand what that is, how it feels, and the benefits of enjoying a more joyful and peaceful life.
I shy away from seeking out another woman until I can do so in a manner that I want, not need the companionship of that person.
I struggle to believe that there could ever be a future with my W in it as my companion.
I do pray though that she is in it as wonderful mother form babies and I hold out hope that we can have a wonderful relationship and 2 human beings that are parents of the same little angels.....That door I will always leave open and walk to in hopes.......
This is great advice from Mach. I know that your situation with your wife makes you feel a bit depressed around the edges, that's normal, but how exciting to be given a second chance to be the you that you really are inside. That is exactly how I feel too. I truly wanted to reconcile with my ex, but am now glad that it did not work out, and am so grateful to have been given a second chance. Life is good! And I "liked" that line too!
Mach has entered my story at a most opportune time.
I do not fully believe in coincidence, so I look to gain from the relationship he has offered me and learn from him.
It is exciting to have a second chance.
I am anxious for what it brings.
I am confident that I can make better based on what I have learned and experienced.
I have people that I count on that need me to do this.
I have people that count on me.....
This story will have good ending....
This I commit to each and every morning.
Thank you RL for also coming into my story at this time. Your support and kind words lend strength at a time that I need more to push on.
I found this quote appropriate to complete my thoughts here.
People come into your life, and some of those people leave. People change. If they were real while they were in your life remember them that way. Life has a funny way of affecting people. Things happen. Make good memories and always keep moving forward. You're your own director in your own movie. Grant some people main rolls. Let some people play extras. But regardless of who you chose for the credits...Make sure you produce a movie that you're proud of. -Zach Taylor
Mach!, buddy, my friend and successful DB brother!!
Hey buddy....
Find one thing this weekend that will take you out of your comfort zone....
Push yourself a little further than you have before with something that you cannot imagine that you would ever do....
What would that look like ??
How could that open a door for you ???
Start to write your own ending, to your story....
Oh, and if you like that line, you should "like" that line....
Tomorrow....I will join the social circle.....read the story again....read between the lines...share my thoughts.....and I will "like" it.
Challenge accepted.
I will make a short list and take it before my D18 as she will keep me honest of the list and what is truly outside of my comfort zone.
It is crazy how you seem to know what I am tussling with and you call it out to me...
How is that so?
Door....that is what I need to see.....Why is it my whole life I am standing and staring....not sure what the door is that I want...or must.....walk through.....What I want to be when I grow up....what is my calling in life.....who is it that I must serve to make it all have meaning?
uhhhhh....I shake a bit as I let that thought pass through.....That is one of the big demons that stands in my path.......the big one that kept me frozen in complacency in my career....my social circle....my direction in life....my MR...in my actions with my W.....it is a fear that I can not put a shape around.....How do I defeat the demon in my head with no shape?
How do I conquer self???
It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.-
BuddhaI will LIKE that line......
In the neighbourhood, and decided to pop by to visit my favourite superhero.
Nothing much on the GAL front for me; will probably up the GAL ante when I master my inverted position on the pole.
Door....that is what I need to see.....Why is it my whole life I am standing and staring....not sure what the door is that I want...or must.....walk through.....What I want to be when I grow up....what is my calling in life.....who is it that I must serve to make it all have meaning?
uhhhhh....I shake a bit as I let that thought pass through.....That is one of the big demons that stands in my path.......the big one that kept me frozen in complacency in my career....my social circle....my direction in life....my MR...in my actions with my W.....it is a fear that I can not put a shape around.....How do I defeat the demon in my head with no shape?
Your answers to those questions, ALL lie within yourself...
Most think that they have the answers, seek the answers, fear the answers....
Truth is....???
The answers are inside of them already...
Most have just been asking the wrong questions....
Whether you think that you can, or cannot....you are correct ............
Henry Ford One step at a time, one minute at a time, one door at a time, one monster at a time....
Change how you think, change how you grow...
Google a 'Chinese Bamboo Tree'...
Lemme know what you think...
I am going to be out of town on Vaca for the next week....I will check in on ya...
Prolly better if you pulled that other thing though...
Hey there, Super Human!! i'm just stopping by to say hello.
I definitely recognize that my non-sleep pattern is unhealthy in all kinds of ways. Being a night owl (or not) is one thing, as long as it's a consistent pattern. What I'm doing lately is a genuine problem. Last night I managed to get to bed by midnight or 1, so I am aware and working on it.
Later, Gator!!
A bit of levity in trade for a lot of brevity.
Grl!
So lovely of you to drop by...
Inverted pole position eh?!
I'm gonna need proof of this before you move on to other GAL then if thats what is going on here....
Proof I say!
I'm planning on swinging over to your neighborhood as it will be mine soon...to say hi and see if I can coax you out of exile...
I miss ya around here.
I hoe you are doing well.
Phoebe, hope your day was a fun one, and I hope you are sleeping as I type this.
(((((Phoebe)))))
Mach1, again your words are those that I need to be reminded of....
Very in tune you are.
I do know that what I need is inside of me....
Mustering up the courage to face that which I am, see that who I am meant to be, and then...believe, learn, do, fail, learn more, do more, hope, persist, be, and do more....
Embrace the process.....
Focus forward, live in the moment, cherish the past.
Yes, I have long believed that I could not....and I was right.
I am doing that which I must to believe that I can......so I will....
Yes, the Chinese bamboo tree
This is a very good example and one that applies to all the success that I study....
The time it takes is definitely where many give up...I have given up in the past...but now I see time is the gift, persistence without the immediate reward is key.
Faith!
The ingredient I have long been challenged with having...but now it is all I have to keep me going.
45 years to understand this lesson....many habits must fall as I progress in this journey.
Many habits WILL fall.
Mach my friend, Enjoy your vaca time. I hope the you experience much joy and fun.
The other thing has been liked....
A pleasure to read again.
Quick journaling.
I am coming out of the head cold feeling better, just a bit tired.
The week has ended and a busy one it has been.
Plans with a friend fell through, but I guess it all worked out as I was feeling without much energy and D18 was out and about so rest was a welcome opportunity.
My list of to do's seems to grow...my wondering of what it is all for takes more time than I would like, but it is another of the habits I focus on trying to break.
D18 came home for a moment this afternoon and was worried as her mother had called her as she had been in a small crash while driving today. Fortunately she and D6 were fine.
But she was not happy as she just got the car back a couple of days ago from the repairs of the crash that ripped a hole in the door with the fire hydrant 2 weeks ago.
Now the news of this made me feel sad for her....
A different sadness ......One that led me to reach out to her this evening to see how she is doing.
She did not answer when I called.
She called me a couple of hours later and then quickly apologized and said, I did not mean to call you...I thought you left me a message and was trying to get your message.
I told her I had called to see how she was doing and to be sure she was okay.
She replied that she had been having a "sucky" month, to which I replied "I am sorry, I just wanted to be sure you are okay."
She then said I heard you were sick and asked how I was doing.
I replied that I was feeling better.
She said she needed to go in and get D6 from her brother as she had been out at a catering job. I asked if I could speak with d6 tomorrow. She said she would call so she could speak with me and then she wished me good night.
This is the first cordial conversation that I can recall in a very long time.
She called me.....
I feel this tug to try and help her....but I know there is nothing that I can do that would "help" her and more time is needed to pass, before the stage of being friendly would be a calm place.
For now, I have more pressing thoughts to ponder and plan from.
But it was pleasant to have a glimpse of her without the anger and bitterness poking their heads out.
Sleep well and I am praying that each of you finds the strength to do that which is needed for a better tomorrow in spite of the challenges of today.
The seed of the chinese bamboo tree spends five years under the ground with no growth whatsoever but in the fifth year it grows over 80 feet tall, have a little patience in life, your success might just be around the corner.- Dade Keshinro
Yes to the bambo story. There is another image on the net that depicts this very well. A guy digging a tunnel and gives up and turns back. Another swing or two if his pick and he would have broken through to daylight. In such a tunnel what lies ahead is exactly what has gone before with no sign of a breakthrough until it happens.
I am glad D18 is getting out and about.
As for W's crash I have two thoughts.
1. Empathy is a good quality to have. You don't need to justify it. Maybe it is against DB protocol to have reached out. But to me you did so because that is who you are and not for any return. So that is OK. I may have said you AND D are OK when expressing concern. That is in accordance with h best DB practices BUT becoming a better and truer to self SH, makes priority IMO
2. The first accident was her fault........unless the fire hydrant jumped in front of her car! A second minor accident indicates lack of focus. This is common in stressed/depressed people. Now she could just have been unlucky, but I would put money on her being in a depression daze. Most people can function in this state albeit at a lesser capacity. You cannot fix this but be vigilante about when D6 is with her. I am not being alarmist but thought it worth mentioning. Any direct interference from you will nor be welcome nor helpful.So unless you feel there is danger for D6, observe from a distance
Have a good Sunday
It is so nice that your wife responded cordially to your concern for her health, even if she claims she did not mean to call you.
In my opinion, there was nothing wrong with contacting her to check if she was okay, as long as you did it without having expectations that something would come of it. I'm so glad your little one is okay.
SH, I'm glad that you were able to have a normal conversation with your W. Hopefully, it's the beginning of a trend.
You remain in a very introspective frame of mind lately. I think that it is good to look within ourselves, but I urge you not to lose sight of the joy to be found in your days. I'm not seeing much said about doing things that you enjoy these days, or that you have discovered any new people or activities. Perhaps you are the yin to my yang when it comes to GAL? I can stand some slowing down, and perhaps you should get out there and try to enjoy yourself a little more? I wouldn't bother you on this if I heard some joy in your post, but if it's there, I'm not seeing it very well.
Go find something fun to do, my friend. Go for a walk in a park, get outside, go dancing, whatever tickles your fancy...
((((((((((Super Hombre))))))))))
Emotions come and go. Putting names to them helps to figure out what your brain is doing - we call them feelings. My counselor always asks 'What are you feeling today?' - he taught me what names I can put emotions to, so that I understand the emotion, and also can articulate WHY I felt that emotion.
If I follow my emotions, like my EX-WW, I will find cheeseless tunnels, row after row. I must stand by my BELIEFS, as anchors for my battleship at sea.
Knowing your feelings is like adding masts to the ship - I can raise and lower more sails - and batten down the hatches when times get tough, or raise more sails to put some distance on my route (aka - this feeling is GREAT! I want to be like this for a while longer!) My emotions will continue, but now I can CHOOSE to react (usually a bad idea) or make a calculated response... or no response at all.
My response is my responsibility. If you tell me that your response to your emotions is involuntary (hitting a wall, screaming, crying), it means you're letting the tail wag the dog. My response is my responsibility, always.
Another key - knowing your feelings, and articulating them, means you can share them with others! Example: "Hey, I had a great time with you, you made me feel really special - thank you!"
I used to believe people could read my mind - and understand I was happy or sad. People can't. Many blogs I read about Married life repeat that you can't mind read. SO true. Big mistake on my part with my EX-WW. But telling us NOT to mind-read is only a quarter of the way to helping the situation. You must learn how to tell people how you're feeling, not through involuntary reactions to emotions, but articulating them through descriptive words, naming them as feelings. That's another 25%; then the other half is finding courage to tell those we love how we feel, and also demonstrating how we feel (love) through actions... not just words.
I have learned much in the last year. I pray my EX-WW will someday learn the same. I truly pray for her every day. I can't change her, or how she feels. I can't even try to start teaching her this - it has to come from within - a desire to want something better. Unfortunately, she had many bad teachers in her life about feelings and emotions, and it would take years (me thinks) to get her battleship to turn around...
I can't fix her, I can only pray for her. That's part of detachings - the other part is making sure my ship is on the right course - and purposely working the ship to keep it on course. It's my responsibility. smile
_________________________
SH, I'm glad that you were able to have a normal conversation with your W. Hopefully, it's the beginning of a trend.
You remain in a very introspective frame of mind lately. I think that it is good to look within ourselves, but I urge you not to lose sight of the joy to be found in your days. I'm not seeing much said about doing things that you enjoy these days, or that you have discovered any new people or activities. Perhaps you are the yin to my yang when it comes to GAL? I can stand some slowing down, and perhaps you should get out there and try to enjoy yourself a little more? I wouldn't bother you on this if I heard some joy in your post, but if it's there, I'm not seeing it very well.
Go find something fun to do, my friend. Go for a walk in a park, get outside, go dancing, whatever tickles your fancy...
((((((((((Super Hombre))))))))))
Touche my dear friend....
I have been trapped in my head so to speak.....
I felt empty with my GAL activities over the summer, almost as if it was just a show to the world that I was okay or something....
I have slowed it down as something was not...well not sure what it was not.
I am actually in a more calm and place of joy of late, but there is a dark shadow that I am trying to head off...
But, your point is spot on...
I know it...
My d18 is hitting me up on it regularly....
A new friend here in the community has poked me with same thoughts....
He!! I just challenged a DB brother to share a post of joy....
I guess I am looking quite the hypocrite here...
Odd though, I do feel calm, at peace, I smile more, my time with D6 is pure joy and bliss, people that I interact with have taken notice and mentioned to me how well I am of late.....Many of these folks have no idea of what I am going through.
But something is missing....
Can't quite put my finger on it....
Yes, I must get out and go through the initial strain and pain of meeting new people and trying new things....
Phoebe, you are absolutely correct.
SH_
Demons:
So now my focus is on my demons that I have held down for so much of my life.
I accept that I am an introvert. I have learned that there are many more introverts than I realized.
My goal is to adjust some bad habits that I have formed over the years due to my lack of understanding this, and trying to conform only to find it more difficult than it was worth.
I am text book, case study even, introvert. Amazing how much this can pain a life isn't it? Demons follow. You cannot change your introversion, but you can challenge it. I have been challenging myself for a while SH_, going out, speaking with strangers, approaching anyone, speaking with anyone, engaging in conversation randomly. I was amazed at how successful I was. I actually made a number of new friends. BUT, after months of this, I hit a wall in September. I have not gone out since September began. I felt an overwhelming desire t be alone (save with my son) and it has not gone away. After months of effort - poof! But, I am cool with that. I challenged myself a great deal. The demons became boring. I am spending time alone by choice, not by impulse.
The recharge feels good. In all that challenge, I too like you fell off from the amazing amount of things I was doing this summer. I tried new things, I tried things I thought I would like, but didn't and vice versa. I know the dark shadow you speak of - I always referred to it as The Demon in my mind - as if it were a person, like a proper noun. The Demon would take me at times, take me down, when I stood up to it, it was a useless as a child raising fists at an adult.
FWIW though, my insane effort to make real and lasting change took hold. I too feel a peace, but no longer like I am running. The demon inside me still exists, but I put it on a leash. It could still get loose, barks sometimes, but I am learning how to mend my own fences. As well, I have learned much here. Mach1 assisted a great deal as I see you receiving now; asks great questions that one. I too found a peace in all of this. I am not sure what for you does not feel right, other than the absence of the partner that you always thought would be by your side - I feel that loss as well. But in the past I used to want her around and sometimes want to know she was there, but not for her to speak with me - that was not a very good attitude in an R. Now, I feel comfortable alone and in my own space. It was important for me to get there, part of shining light on the demon (it is lower case now).
You can meet new people SH_. You can do it. As an introvert - plan, observe, mimic, learn, attempt, recover. That is what I did, its what we do best. I seriously watched YouTube videos on how to meet strangers because I was clueless. I will caution, I did take on many times doing what seemed most intimidating to me and also the greatest challenge to my introversion (why I did it)which was the blind approach to women in public places. I wanted to do this simply because it was so very intimidating, I never actually wanted to pick them up, otherwise I would not be at a room called Divorce Busters I suppose. But, for all of that I did have a few women ask me out in the moment and I felt like a jerk, because that is not what I was seeking. I never used lines, I never lied, just me not being afraid to talk, and being me worked for a few I guess. Realized I should have not been so naive, for me at 41 it was brand new, for others, I assume they had been talking to people their whole life??? Anyway, that was not what I wanted at this time for me and so I stopped. I do still make an effort with everyday people to say things they would not likely here from others, get them to smile, brighten days, be genuine with it. Maybe you can start there? Feels good.
Wish you well SH_ you have a whole lot of introspection. It is respectable.
SH, I wanted to let you know that I responded to your post on our parenting discussion in my thread.
And I'm glad to see you are accepting Phoebe's advice. I hadn't realized it until she said it, but she's right.
Maybe it's time to up the GAL ante, my friend, even though I have not mastered my inversion...
I felt empty with my GAL activities over the summer, almost as if it was just a show to the world that I was okay or something....
I have slowed it down as something was not...well not sure what it was not.
I am actually in a more calm and place of joy of late, but there is a dark shadow that I am trying to head off...
Maybe it's time to up the GAL ante, my friend, even though I have not mastered my inversion...
I remember feeling empty with GAL activities too, like a big phony just doing stuff for show so my ex (H at the time) would think I was fine and did not need or want him. But my heart was not in it. But after a while, I got started being stronger and really WAS fine.
Just part of the process Sh, part of detaching, part of moving forward. You are such a deep thinker, so introspective. I have so much respect for you. For you too, Grl!
It's nice to hear you are so happy and joyful when you're with your D6. It is NOT nice to hear that you feel hypocritical for giving other people advice and challenging them to share a post of joy. A BIG part of healing and growing with this process is helping other people. And you do that so well. Keep it up, eventually it will stick to you too
Others sharing their experiences could inspire you. At worst you helped others.... . But maybe can help yourself too.
Yes to the bambo story. There is another image on the net that depicts this very well. A guy digging a tunnel and gives up and turns back. Another swing or two if his pick and he would have broken through to daylight. In such a tunnel what lies ahead is exactly what has gone before with no sign of a breakthrough until it happens.
I am glad D18 is getting out and about.
As for W's crash I have two thoughts.
1. Empathy is a good quality to have. You don't need to justify it. Maybe it is against DB protocol to have reached out. But to me you did so because that is who you are and not for any return. So that is OK. I may have said you AND D are OK when expressing concern. That is in accordance with h best DB practices BUT becoming a better and truer to self SH, makes priority IMO
2. The first accident was her fault........unless the fire hydrant jumped in front of her car! A second minor accident indicates lack of focus. This is common in stressed/depressed people. Now she could just have been unlucky, but I would put money on her being in a depression daze. Most people can function in this state albeit at a lesser capacity. You cannot fix this but be vigilante about when D6 is with her. I am not being alarmist but thought it worth mentioning. Any direct interference from you will nor be welcome nor helpful.So unless you feel there is danger for D6, observe from a distance
Have a good Sunday
roist, thank you for checking in on my. You thoughts confirm those that I have had as well. I have been concerned as I know she is displaying signs of depression from what I see and is shared with me. I do have some concerns for d6, but only in that she is not paying attention to things. I know she loves d6 as I do...awareness i will maintain.
And thank you for the vote of confidence on my decision to reach out to her to see how she was doing. I did ask how her and d6 were doing and then asked how she was as I knew she has had some challenges.
I think we look at a lot of the same stuff. The guy digging the tunnel is one I have seen many times and try and remember.
Thank you roist...you have been a true support for me and I can not express my appreciation enough for that.
It is so nice that your wife responded cordially to your concern for her health, even if she claims she did not mean to call you.
In my opinion, there was nothing wrong with contacting her to check if she was okay, as long as you did it without having expectations that something would come of it. I'm so glad your little one is okay.
Thanks RL,
I truly no expectations.
She went back to being very cold when I saw her at the pickups for D6 this week. I noticed, but did not feel anything more than I would a semi rude stranger on the street.
But then tonight, I call to speak with D6 as I am missing her a lot today, and STBX answers...
She never answers when I call..
She was polite again...
Asked for money for an after school program for D6, but she was polite.
But no matter...
I will be forever polite to her, regardless of the reasons and always without expectations.......
CT1118.....
Wow, your post has been read several times and has had quite the impact in my thoughts....
I am so appreciative that you stopped by and shared....
You really do know the demons dancing in my head...
I could sense that without a doubt.
Thank you so much.
Rose,
I will swing by your thread again...
Maybe it's time to up the GAL ante, my friend, even though I have not mastered my inversion...
Yes Grl...we will discuss the ante and inversion progress for sure....
I remember feeling empty with GAL activities too, like a big phony just doing stuff for show so my ex (H at the time) would think I was fine and did not need or want him. But my heart was not in it. But after a while, I got started being stronger and really WAS fine.
Just part of the process Sh, part of detaching, part of moving forward. You are such a deep thinker, so introspective. I have so much respect for you. For you too, Grl!
It's nice to hear you are so happy and joyful when you're with your D6. It is NOT nice to hear that you feel hypocritical for giving other people advice and challenging them to share a post of joy. A BIG part of healing and growing with this process is helping other people. And you do that so well. Keep it up, eventually it will stick to you too smile
RL,
It is good to hear that the emptiness is not just an issue I am having, bu may be part of the process....especially for an introvert like me.....
Yes, the feeling of hypocrisy....
This has been in my mind of late...
Maybe hypocrisy is the wrong word, but something is not sitting well with me as I share and help others, yet feel like I am wandering in a place with nothing in it....
You are right though...I know that service is very important...and I want to be able to do it right....
Thank you RosaLinda for you feedback, support and all that you have and are doing for me.
Others sharing their experiences could inspire you. At worst you helped others.... . But maybe can help yourself too.
Truth.
Hey Howdy, SH!!! I'm very glad to see that you posting here on a regular basis again. My little circle here is shrinking a bit due to my time constraints, but I'm very glad to see my core peeps are hanging in there, especially you!
I will be looking for more signs of joy from you. Try new things and meet new people with the goal of creating a little bit of joy or light for yourself or those around you, but especially for yourself. You deserve a bit of the care you so readily lavish on others. Keep it pure and simple, nothing fancy or requiring huge effort, just find a little thing each day. Seek out laughter.
I look for and find joy with my chickens, while walking my fields, birdwatching (I saw two bald eagles on Tuesday soaring over head as I worked outdoors), hiking, talking to friends and my parents, releasing monarch butterflies into the world... None of those things requires any huge effort or challenge to any introverted tendencies I have.
If you want to stretch a bit, go to a MeetUp of like-minded people - a book club, or a running group, maybe?
I stretched today and went on another MeetUp hike today, and really enjoyed chatting with some new people. I hand't met any new people in a bit, and I thought it was time I did so.
Take it slowly, my friend, but be sure that you seek joy.
Every day.
So much has been in the brain or on my mind or wandering around in my soul...
However one can see or understand, this is what shadows and trains of thought roam the nether lands that are deep inside of me.....
That being said, I must dump some of the chaos and randomness out or I fear that I will boil over....
Something just does not feel settled deep inside....
This will be simply my journaling and random babble....
No questions nor inquiries for help...
Read at your own risk, as much of this may simply be useless musings and jibber jabber....
____________________________________________________________________________________________
First, I have been in a conversation with a neighbor here in the community about emotions and feelings. Much good things were shared and perspectives that varied, but headed in the same direction.
Good conversation and learning....
This post and my reply in the moment have cast a shadow over my thoughts and mood since...
Thank you for stopping by.
I welcome all advice, feedback, thoughts and hijacks. I'm not great about posting consistently, but I try and make my way back and read up on folks.
SH, you are correct that not feeling isn't possible, as that would mean that one was just stuffing emotions, and they are bound to resurface in less healthy ways. I actually feel many things but what I mean is lately I don't feel much attraction and love for my H. (that was hard to admit and even brought tears to my eyes)
Like most of you, I want my M. I want my family intact. I recognize that it is also the best thing for our children and our finances. I appreciate the value of being with the same person over time. I don't think that splitting up and moving on to the next person bring people more happiness. I understand that people make mistakes and that he made a terrible mistake. I even understand how this happened.
If all of you in DB land came together and created a list of what the wayward would need to do for the LBS to find forgiveness and have success in piecing, well he is doing it. But, there is a big but. None of that is changing the way I feel.
I am trying to go with my brain and not my heart. I choose each day to do what I believe is the right thing. I think I can accept what happened. But, I just don't know how I will feel over time. There is something I know I will need and want in love. It makes me so sad to say this, but I just don't know if this will work for me in the long run.
-Blu
Blu
Reading this creates a swirl of thoughts and emotions in me right this moment...
I have had these same thoughts running through me with much frequency....
I have fought to suppress them...
Shed some tears as you have just now....
Told my brain that we gotta get it and the heart on the same page...
Tried to suppress the emotions...
Bottle them up....
Tuck them away...
and throw them out....
I have struggled with feelings of guilt, because how can I be at this point after such a short time....
My W, did not cheat on me, nor do anything to me, except leave in a big hurry....
I felt that it was out of the blue, but with each passing day I look back and see signs and red flags popping up for years....
Have I thrown in the towel so soon?
I am still DBing...but is has been for me....and only me....not to bust the d....not since she left....
After she called me the other night, my d18 said I was acting odd...she asked me just out of the blue, "Dad, would you take her back?
I responded so quickly, that I was in shock...
I replied, "No."
"She would have to do to much work for me to even consider it....."
I then paused in my own state of shock as d18 looked at me.....
I then said, "I'll cross that bridge if we get to it." "But for now, I must complete putting myself back together and move forward."
Anyway, there I go again, babbling on.
My point Blu, is that what you share is huge.
I have sensed that you have hinted at this, but you have now expressed it.
And guess what?
This is your right and choice to make.
He did what he did, and is working his way back, but as I read a recent post by job, one of the options is that the LBS has moved on when the WAS/WS returns to reconcile.
I strongly believe, that you are putting in the work and when the time does come, you will know it and you will be able to say with your head held high and all the confidence in the universe...."I have made my decision, and it is......"
Blu, there will be no shame, regardless of that decision.
You have taken time, and put in the work, and even as he has done so as well, by him making the decision he did in the past, that means the next decision is yours....
There is no wrong or right, except, for what ever it is, that you deem is right for you.
((((((((((BlueWave))))))))))
Why has this cast a shadow in my mood.....
Is it perhaps, because I stopped and faced a demon that has stood in my path for more years than I want to admit....?
Still facing it...trying to determine how to defeat it....
My friend Blu has fought tooth and nail to do all that is right for her, her family and her WH....
She has put in the time and has earned the right to say out loud that in spite of all that WH has done to try and return form his horrible choice and most betrayful act a man can take....she may not want to take him back.
There is no shame in this.
Yes there are MR that survive this betrayal.
But there are also LBS that weather such a betrayal and move forward in life without reconciling and not only survive, but thrive....And no one judges and most commend them..
I simply do not think that there is a wrong or right, black or white answer here.
But, this is not the shadow for me as I have not suffered this betrayal......
I have felt the pain it causes second hand from my closest friend, from those I call friends here and from others that were more than simple acquaintances.....
So what is the shadow....
The shadow is as I replied to my friend, I shared that I am at, or even past the point of wanting to reconcile....
My W did not betray me....
She simply left me....
WAW's tend to have some valid reasons for doing so..
Mine may have had more reasons that I want to admit....
I have not put in much time to DBing....
I feel numb to her...her actions...her words...anything that includes her......
And the impact of my D18 asking me if I would take her back.....when it has not been a thought for me for some time now...
Why?
Was I really checking out of my MR a while back?
I recall vividly thoughts in my mind that go back years of not being in the MR with her because we simply could not seem to connect....
There were times that I entertained the thoughts for perhaps more minutes than I am proud to admit....I never acted on any of the thoughts....and I would always tuck them away and then try to do something to build our MR, because this was my duty as a H and father....
But did I do it because I loved her....?
This is the shadow...
My mind is not showing me this and continues to paint different pictures to present to me...
I honestly think that my own mind has repainted history for myself that I am starting to doubt many things about many more things.....
Grrrr....
The dull pain of emotion is boiling....
Tears today at random moments...
Tears that I can not put meaning to...
Tears as I write this now....
Would I take her back?
No..
Not now I would not...
It is a moot point as she will not come back...
My thoughts rarely go to her any given day, except when I get to exchange D6...
Now this is a dull pain I do identify...
I miss D6 every moment she is not with me...
But I feel myself adapting with the emotional habits of my life to build the wall.....
in the case I lose the opportunity to have her....
Yes, this haunts me and my dreams...
I can't stay living in this state...
She won't stay living in this state much longer...
What will the battle for my child look like?
I can not think on this now...
I can not allow worry and anxiety for this to move in.
My MD agreed to let me try and ween myself off of the AD's...
Slightly hesitant, but supportive.
I must know if the numbness is the meds or if it is me...
I must face myself now.
I must learn the truth and understand if I was the one that tore my family apart because of years of poor thoughts and doubts about my MR....19 years....
I must determine the correct history, face it, hold the proper accountability and then build from there.
There is a battle to be faced and fought.....
I must look myself in the eyes and know who and what I am...
Only then can I shape myself into the person someone can love and trust....
Only then can I look in the mirror at the man on the other side and say that I am proud to meet him.......
Ramblings of a broken man part 2-
Still the disclaimer to read at your own risk...
So I am an avid runner.
Everyday up at 4 to go for a few mile run...
This week the runs have landed to inspiration, motivation and some tears as the mid beats me sometimes and take over the thought train....
I run with music in my ear and my taste in music is varied...
My iPod runs a random track so the sequence is never the same...
This morning it was as if a higher power took over the sequence and tried to pass a message to me...
Bear with me as this may sound corny to some, and I am not exactly one to believe things of the supernatural, but the following are the tracks that played and some of my heads thoughts as they came through....
Emotions were firing, and my run was so brisk, that when I finished I was not even sure if I ran my normal route as it was all a blur.
Here is the sequence of songs.
Nickelback-
What are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for?
Are you waiting on a lightning strike?
Are you waiting for the perfect night?
Are you waiting 'til the time is right?
What are you waiting for?
Don't you wanna learn to deal with fear?
Don't you wanna take the wheel and steer?
Don't you wait another minute here?
What are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for?
You gotta go and reach for the top
Believe in every dream that you got
You're only living once so tell me
What are you, what are you waiting for?
You know you gotta give it your all
And don't you be afraid if you fall
You're only living once so tell me
What are you, what are you waiting for?
Are you waiting for the right excuse?
Are you waiting for a sign to choose?
While you're waiting it's the time you lose
What are you waiting for?
Don't you wanna spread your wings and fly?
Don't you really wanna live your life?
Don't you wanna love before you die?
What are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for?
You gotta go and reach for the top
Believe in every dream that you got
You're only living once so tell me
What are you, what are you waiting for?
You know you gotta give it your all
And don't you be afraid if you fall
You're only living once so tell me
What are you, what are you waiting for?
Tell me what you're waiting for
Show me what you're aiming for
Whatcha going to save it for?
So whatcha really waiting for?
Everybody's gonna make mistakes
But everybody's got a choice to make
Everybody needs a leap of faith
When are you taking yours?
What are you waiting for?
You gotta go and reach for the top
Believe in every dream that you got
You're only living once so tell me
What are you, what are you waiting for?
You know you gotta give it your all
And don't you be afraid if you fall
You're only living once so tell me
What are you, what are you waiting for?
You gotta go and reach for the top
What are you, what are you waiting for?
Believe in every dream that you got
What are you, what are you waiting for?
You know you gotta give it your all
What are you, what are you waiting for?
You're only living once so tell me
What are you, what are you waiting for?
What are you, what are you?
What are you, what are you waiting for?
What are you, what are you?
What are you, what are you waiting for?
Seriously!?
What am I waiting for?
I have printed the lyrics and will read them daily.
Matchbox 20
"Unwell"
All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me
I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell
Um, yeah....This is me...
I'm not crazy...just a little unwell.....
Ashtar Command
"Deadman gun"
Your hands upon
A deadman's gun and you're
Looking down the sights
Your heart is worn,
And the seams are torn
And they've given you reason to fight
And you're not gonna take what they've got to give
And you not gonna let them take your will to live
Because they've taken enough and you've given them all you can give
And luck won't save them tonight
They've given you reason to fight
And all the storms you've been chasing
About to rain down tonight
And all the pain you've been facin'
About to comin' to the light
Your hands upon
A deadman's gun and you're looking down the sights
Your heart is worn,
And the seams are torn
And they've given you reason to fight.
And you're not gonna take what they've got to give
And you not gonna let them take your will to live
Because they've taken enough and you've given them all you can give
And luck won't save them tonight
They've given you reason to fight
And all the storms you've been chasing
About to rain down tonight
And all the pain you've been facin'
About to comin' to the light
My heart is worn....the seams are torn...and I have been given a reason to fight
My daughters
I am not gone take what they re going me anymore....you can't have my will to live on...I have given all that i can give....I have a reason to fight on.....
I am looking down the sights.....my aim is on a better and more fulfilling life!!
Five for Fighting
"Superman"
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me
I'm more than a bird
I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see
It may sound absurd but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed but won't you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me
Up, up and away, away from me
It's all right
You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy, or anything
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees
I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
It's not easy to be me
Irish stopped by my thread and called me a SuperHero.....
It touched my heart that day...
But...
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me......
Imagine Dragons
"Demons"
When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold
When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale
I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
When the curtain’s call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl
So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made
Don’t want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t want to hide the truth
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Demons.....
Don't stand to close....
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
Nickelback
If today was your last day
My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day
(If today was your last day)
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
I must live each day as if it were my last....
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
The longest stride.........
Ramblings of a broken man-The final part..
disclaimer to read at your own risk...
Nothing here but nonsense that needs a place to go.....
Merriam Webster-
Simple Definition of superhero
a fictional character who has amazing powers
a very heroic person
Full Definition of superhero
a fictional hero having extraordinary or superhuman powers; also
: an exceptionally skillful or successful person
Irish called me a superhero at a time that I needed some powers....
I have changed my screen name form SadHub to SH to continue the inspiration of the kind words and support shared with me...
SH has the power to mean SuperHero..
or it has the power to mean many other things as my dear friend Phoebe continues to call me, each has it's power to make me smile and feel good....
I have been in a state of feeling like the superhero, the Hulk for a bit....
Feeling smart and wise on the outside like Bruce Banner, but when the anger and rage takes over I lose myself and must take exile so as not to harm those around me with my moods and despair....
Of late, the Superhero that is the hulk has faded from me, and now I am in the nature of the SuperHero,
Wolverine....
This character actually first appeared in the last panel of the Incredible Hulk...so it is fitting.
I have taken on this Hero as I have this desire to find to about my past so that I can understand why I am the way I am.....I have a unsettled sense below the surface that manifests itself in forms of frustration and crankiness.....I control it though...I just stay in the background and to myself.
The loner, as Logan when not in his Wolverine state.
But if those that I hold dear are in harms way or are hurting, I will spring to action to defend them and help them, even if it means putting off my own search for what haunts me and a past that I can not seem to recall with enough clarity to know what is eating at me from within.
But I will continue to seek the answers as my loved ones are in a place of peace and comfort....
It is late, and I am drained....
To those that actually read this....I tip my hat....
It really has been day and week of incoherent ramblings for me...
Maybe it is time to step away from this all for a spell.....
I must find answers to calm the storm in my mind.....
My dear friend, SH, there is as much honor in being a Simple Human as there is in being a Super Hero.
It pains me to hear you refer to yourself as a broken man. Remember: Your Heart has been broken, but YOU are not broken. You're dented and bruised, but not broken.
There is no fault with you for realizing that you cannot take your W back. There is no fault for ever having the thought that you M was not all it could be, or that you weren't connected fully all the time. I am willing to bet that every single married person in the world has had those feelings at one time or another. It's normal, my friend, because we are simple humans.
I am also in the position where I have decided that I cannot take my WH back. Not because of his waywardness, but because of the way he has behaved toward me, because of his utter lack of compassion toward someone he once claimed to love. I don't think that I can recover from that. I don't think that I could ever feel safe with him again. While my WH was checking out, and I was sensing something was "off" but couldn't figure out what it was exactly, I also had thoughts that maybe our MR wasn't working out. Like you, I pushed those thoughts aside and chose to work on my MR. Just because I had those thoughts doesn't mean that I hastened the collapse of my M. It was simply me sensing that the winds were changing. You and I both chose to stay and work.
Marriage isn't always about being madly IN love with someone. The ILYBINILWY nonsense is simply a cop-out used to rationalize a choice to leave a MR. The intensity of love varies over time and it takes maturity and kindness and compassion to recognize that and to nurture the flame of love when it is guttering.
Marriage and love is a choice, one we made every single day. I chose to be with my H. I chose to love him, and I did so, more deeply every day. Was I head over heels every day? Of course not. That's fantasy land. It's Limerence. What I felt for my H was as real as gravity, and sometimes it hurt as much as falling down a flight of stairs, and yet I made a choice to work for it. So did you.
Our spouses chose otherwise.
I urge you to try to extend to yourself some of the compassion that you have given to others here and to your own friends and family. Were you a perfect spouse? Were you head over heels every minute? I doubt that anyone could ever live up to that standard, but you chose to be there and put in the effort. Maybe in hindsight your efforts weren't everything you wish they had been. Please give yourself credit for what you DID. You tried, you stayed, you wanted to make things better. You have shown compassion in the face of rage and behavior that defies explanation. You have been the lighthouse. You have been the rock that your children have clung to while your spouse has gone off on journey that no one can fully understand, including her.
Forgive yourself. Inside that Super Hero suit lives a Simple Human, and I mean that in the very best sense of the word. Simple = honest, pure, unalloyed. I use it in admiration and as a badge of honor. You are worthy of compassion and self-love, my friend.
((((((((((Silver Heart))))))))))
You know I have been wanting to reduce the time I spend on this forum and now you decide to write pages and pages!! Haha.
Unfortunately I don't have time to reply much, but I enjoyed the read and am interested to see where it leads you.
My overall reaction is: "you get knocked down, you get back up". Reading through your latest postings that thought stuck in my head. I cannot elaborate now, but does that make sense to you?
I too have questioned the real level of connection I have had with my W. I too think it was lacking. But going into M we really aren't equipped or prepared.
WWe don't realise how much you really need to invest in a M. So we didn't do the necessary.
That connection is not automatic and now we know not capable of lasting without maintenance. I NOW have a much better understanding of what it takes and one day I will be able to apply this lesson dearly learned. You will too.
I believe too many lbs look back with rose tinted glasses upon their R and that is wrong, even harmful. You are looking back honestly. Follow through on your reflections. But remember you did not cause the downfall of your M. You contributed towards it. Realise the difference. But most importantly project those learnings forward for the NOW and beyond.
Any future R will not be perfect either, but can be built on a better foundation.I liked your recent statement that you believed this was a second chance to have the R you want/deserve. I too believe this. I have choosen to give my W some time to share that with me in the future.
I am not trying to convince you one way or the other. BUT if your W comes out of her fog and is willing to work hard, she will not be the same person she is now, nor the same person as before. You definitely will not be the same person. Maybe now the compatibility does not match, but the future changed versions of ye MAY be the right match.
You cannot know that now. Be patient with yourself. I am still working on parts of me that I thought would be changed a month after this crisis started. but change takes time, especially lasting change.
One last comment/observation.You seem all over the place with your reflections. I do not mean crazy or incoherent, but rather you mention one issue, then before working fully through that one, you have jumped to another. I am a bit like that. I see the whole picture and chip away at all of it at once. Progress is slow but when it clicks together it will be a complete revamp. Most people function better by focusing on one area at a time.
Best wishes
So much for me not spending too much time here. Ha-ha.
Take rest, SH, we all need a time out from the fight every now and again. Go back to a beginner's mind. Ask yourself how have you been taking care of the father of your children? Ask how you've been doing your self care. My coach asks me that constantly, "What have you done for Sara, lately?"
So, what have you done for SH lately?
Blu, JksD, thank you for the support
Sara, what you say is truth.
I need to get the beginners mind...I need to take action without the baggage...
Phoebe, my crazy friend, if there was someone that would read every word of my ramblings, it would be you.
Phoebe, I do believe you....
I can not accept that I am broken, but I am dented, bruised, battered, scarred, and beat up over all inside.
This is why I am going to pull back a bit and try to really heal some of the injuries and wounds...
I am afraid that I have been covering up the pain in bad habits created over a lifetime...
Thank you for the reminders that the mind is a tricky master when we let it get away form us.
I know that I am not the sum total of my thoughts...
I am what my choices and actions speak...
Self compassion...
This is a challenging and difficult thing for me...
I am not certain if I know what or how that is...
I have tried to study it and apply, but there is much more work to do...
Many say this is key to many things in life...
Why do I feel more confident and strong reaching out to others to lend a hand?
But when I turn to me, it feels foreign and...and, I am not sure.
Maybe because I shy away from the pain, that looking within myself adds, IDK...
Thank you Phoebe, you are always the voice of reason in my mist of wandering.
roist,
Sorry to have kept ya in here longer than planned. LOL
But as always I appreciate your thoughts, honesty and candid feedback.
I have been knocked down, but I will get back up.
No quit here, just get a little slow and need a breather to get up at it again.
You echo Phoebe in that my past MR required work and I may have missed on some of it, but I did not give up regardless of the thoughts.
I am not the sum total of my thoughts and I know this...
I think that is why I needed to pour some of them out....
Your thoughts to keep then door open is one that is in my mind...
It is open a crack, hand on the handle to shut it or open it,but the right person will need to approach.
Maybe that is more my struggle...
Maybe instead of focus on the past and present W, I need to ensure I know what the future W will be so that I can recognize her if she comes to the door.
No need to dwell on that for now, as I need to be the right man to accept that opportunity.
That is the goal.
And oh how you are SOOOOOOOOO right about,
One last comment/observation.You seem all over the place with your reflections. I do not mean crazy or incoherent, but rather you mention one issue, then before working fully through that one, you have jumped to another. I am a bit like that. I see the whole picture and chip away at all of it at once. Progress is slow but when it clicks together it will be a complete revamp. Most people function better by focusing on one area at a time.
This is my curse!!
The mind can churn up ideas galore...
Soon as I sit down to map it out...
Poof!!!
The same mind does a number to talk me out of the ideas, confuse me with the ideas, tell me I can't do anything until circumstances are perfect...
ALL BS!!!
Just gotta pick one or two out of the hat, go at them like there is no tomorrow and make it happen.
If everything is a priority, then nothing is and that is my reality right now.
I am going to withdraw for a spell....
I must unravel this and get the direction and purpose into place...
Actions...
not words...
Thank you all for the support and thoughts.
Bless each of you for all that yo doe for me.
You can't possible know the good you do for me through your support and feedback.
Many people wait to decide a certain thing/or do a specific action because it will be better after A B or C has occurred. But life is full of interactions and A depends in X Y Z, B depends on l M N and C depends on F G H. Each of these depend on factors which depend on these conditions but also affect them.
Long story short, there is never a perfect time, where everything alignes itself for one single decision/action. We often put off what we should have done due to waiting for ideal conditions.
I had an impromptu few beers with a friend tonight so I reserve the right to reread and edit tomorrow.Only mentioning this to let you know I am still.living despite my situation. I have tended to only come here to evacuate issues on my threads, but to assure you I live a little too.
As for my extended visit to.this thread, it was.my choice. But you arewelcome.
I have decided to avoid newbies forbthebshort term, but will check in on a handful of my usual dbers. However please drop over to my new thread as shortly I will finish with the one here in newcomers.I have a few replies to Zephyr. After that my story continues elsewhere.
Best wishes
Journaling
Yesterday and today has been a well needed emotional break.
My daughters and I went to one of the minor league ball parks here and watched Zootopia.
It was a family movie night event D18 had heard about.
Zootopia is a favorite for my lil gals and so it was fun.
D6 fell asleep on the way over as it was about an hour drive because we got caught in traffic. She woke up in a silly state as she was still tired but wanted to enjoy the movie outdoors. Lots of teasing and hugs from the lil stinker. LOL
We did leave a little early, because the lil one fell asleep and D18 started nodding off.
But it was a fun time.
Today we got up early and went to a fun place for breakfast and then down to a park for a walk around, some playground time and take pictures. We then hit the grocery store for some food and then back home. D6 is running around with her little neighborhood friends and D18 has gone out to a church meeting with her mother.
As we were driving to the movie event last night, D18 mentions to me that her mother freaked out again.
D18 got off work a bit early due to working longer hours early in the week. She is just right down the street form her sisters school. When we saw the movie was on the other end of town, it was decided that she would swing by and pick up D6 so I would get home early enough to go.
I asked what do you mean she freaked out?
She said that when she arrived to pick up her sister her mother started making comments to D18 about being a chauffeur and how she never comes to see here, but it is okay and oh, so your going to leave in a hurry etc..
I reply, so more of the same then?
D18 replies, dad, this was infant of 3 other teachers and D5.
SMH...
I get that she could go off on me, but why is D18 getting so much of it?
Is there any end to this?
Then her mother calls later that night and is all set and what have you.
Such bizarre behavior.....or is it????
I look forward to a great rest of the weekend with my lil gals.
Lovely SH. It's pretty late here, and my little baby brain is somewhat turning in for the night. Still, I read every word and echo l the wise words of the others. We can all see now ways we could have been a better spouse, that's a given. But there's no way really of knowing all this before we started. Maybe they should make us sit an exam before we marry!
You're broken, but not defeated. Not in the slightest, we are just a little hurt, had a little beaten- but we are still here.
I think you need to take some time for you. You come across with a very caring nature, giving us support and words of kindness- give yourself a little of that. Do what you need L to do to get yourself stronger.
I guess none of us really know what to expect if our spouses came back, who knows what it may look like. It's best to not focus on that but just make ourselves the best person we can be regardless. It probably does come to a point where we question if we could take them back. I try not to ponder those thoughts, I find it kind of gives me a false sense of hope thinking what would this look like. If it did happen, then we would just embark on yet another journey.
Keep focussed on you, you are a lovely caring person. Show yourself some of that compassion and love.
Glad you had a good weekend with the girls.
Wrt w's crazy antics. Psssh, leave her to it. Her circus! It isn't right that she spews at d too, but that just shows the kinda crisis she is going through. Just show those girls that you are a lighthouse for them. Steady, strong and consistent, that's what they need. W is all over the show, so we must stay steady.
Listen up true believers.... wow SH, another comic book nerd like myself. Not a big surprise, introverted self, and the idealized concept of larger than life heroes go hand in hand.
Like Phoebe, I read every word (you had me at Hulk, and Phoebe, your reply was as amazing as they come). Interesting choices of heroes SH. About the Hulk, so being a true comic nerd, I have sought to nerd up my son. Comics gave me much restitution a a kid, I hope they do for him. When I was still having serious anger control issues, around when s5 was s3/s4 he first asked me why I "had the Hulk in your blood". This shook me to the core. A kid that young, saying so much with so little.
As I reviewed myself, Hulk was a true modern day Jeckyl and Hide. The well intentioned under the radar Banner who can transform into an illogical reptilian minded animal when releasing rage. That was how my son chose to describe me in those times. My son saw me as a loving, caring man, who once provoked, could turn into a monster which had no relationship with anything sensible or caring. Wow, that cut me to the bone. You saw the Hulk inside you? More like my Demon, and your "Darkness".
And now Logan - the impenetrable bastion of introverted justification. Wants to be left alone so that he may have time to reconstruct himself. Capable of love and love entire, but looses them all, usually to some horrifying event of supernatural happenstance which becomes yet another log to fuel his reasons for remaining inside his own mind. When the Wolverine fights, his concern is not of right or wrong, but of issuance of pain and suffering to those he feels earned it, driven by his own pain and suffering which he feels he does not deserve, but knows he somehow earned via the guilt of why the women he loves are continually lost in a way that he knows deep down relates back to him. The Wolverine's sentence, he cannot be killed, he can feel pain and hurt, but it goes away, Stan Lee titled this power "the healing factor", but it really isn't. Wolverine's body heals, but his mind remembers-and thus perpetuation.
The beauty of Lee's creations and life's work are that all of these superheroes poses inherent flaws. All of them, Dr. Strange got into a car accident and it humbled his conceit at being the world's greatest surgeon, Silver Surfer was condemned to a life of following a mission he did not always believe in so that he may protect the love of his life via not letting their planet get consumed, Northstar of Alpha Flight was the worlds best skier living in fear all may find out he uses his mutation for speed and flight to dominate. All of them have inherent flaws. But what makes them super heroes while we read their journey? The action panels excite us, but the reading in between reveals a quest of self - who am I and where did I come from - Logan. How can I control this rage inside me - Banner. They all examine the cards they were dealt, they all see understanding about their lives, and then they try so hard to use these pains and talents to do the right thing while always feeling like there is still something wrong.
SH, Phoebe raised the idea of simple human. Is this not unlike Banner, who had a life altering event which he had to spend the rest of his life learning to comprehend, or Logan, who was born into being just slightly different, but passable when he could cover it up? Pain and difference is a normal part of the human experience. It is how we seek to understand ways which we may channel pain and difference that have the potential to make us heroes, it is our acknowledgement that the pain and difference will never go away so we choose to learn how these can turn us into a force for good which makes heroes "super".
This was just the nerdiest post perhaps ever written into the world of DB forums, but I don't care as long as you heard the message sir. May I suggest, if so bold, Semper Heros - latin for always a hero. Secret identity revealed, the CT in my name here is for Cum Triumpho, Latin for "with triumph", I knew from the start what my end game was, just not how to get there. You're a better man for knowing who your heroes are, now who are you a hero to? Like many here in DB world, you are one of my heroes, because your effort, integrity, and insight on your self for the sole sake of understanding why you sir are you, and how you can not only do, but be better, fulfills my definition of superhero.
I was just stopping in to read tonight, but saw your post and it prompted. I could take my WAS position and blame you for costing me 20minutes of livid brain dump onto your thread when I could have been working on my classes, but instead I will thank you for giving yet another beautiful honest look at you which offered me a chance to look at myself. This is the entire point of DB in MHO and the definition of heros - helping others while unknowingly advancing ourselves. Be well to night my friend.
SH:
Thanks for dropping by my thread. Yes, I try to get out on the bike everyday. Getting a bike is one of the cornerstones of my GAL. I highly recommend it. What state are you in? Are you a winter state or can you ride year round like they do in California, Arizona, Florida, etc.
If I can squeeze in the time, I'll go for the test in the next few weeks. In Ontario you don't have to take a safety course to get a licence.
I read your journal entry - very tough. Mothers and daughters - very tough. Right now my D20 never sees W and I'm sure W does very little to reach out and rebuild a relationship since S.
We are rooting for you.
Just stopping by to say hello, friend.
Just checking in with my online dad. (though I think the only way you could be my father is if you were a very young teenage dad lol)
Many people wait to decide a certain thing/or do a specific action because it will be better after A B or C has occurred. But life is full of interactions and A depends in X Y Z, B depends on l M N and C depends on F G H. Each of these depend on factors which depend on these conditions but also affect them.
Long story short, there is never a perfect time, where everything alignes itself for one single decision/action. We often put off what we should have done due to waiting for ideal conditions.
I had an impromptu few beers with a friend tonight so I reserve the right to reread and edit tomorrow.Only mentioning this to let you know I am still.living despite my situation. I have tended to only come here to evacuate issues on my threads, but to assure you I live a little too.
As for my extended visit to.this thread, it was.my choice. But you arewelcome.
I have decided to avoid newbies forbthebshort term, but will check in on a handful of my usual dbers. However please drop over to my new thread as shortly I will finish with the one here in newcomers.I have a few replies to Zephyr. After that my story continues elsewhere.
Best wishes
HAHA roist, this made me chuckle.
You are good people to check in on me even after a few beers.
I know you are truly a friend.
I hope our paths can cross some day so i can buy you a beer....
I don't drink, but it would be my pleasure.
No worry about the edits...
I get what you are saying.
I will be over to check in on you with the new location of your story.
I will be observing more form the shadows and hiding out in my lair for a spell until I can truly heal up some of the more festering wounds and calm my approach some.
My good friend, my prayers are with you and I know in my heart that all will be well for you and when you come out the other side of all this, you will be in a phenomenal place.
And seriously, I know it was your choice to hang out and reply, I was teasing, but I know you get that...
A few beers and you are fired up. HAHAHA
Cherry, out little firecracker here in Db world.
Thank you so much for your kind words and checking in on me.
You are a phenomenal young lady, and I just have visions of such a good future for you. There will be challenges, but you seem to grow stronger each day from it. You keep it up!
I will be watching you and cheering you every step of the way.
bigy,
I do live in a state that has almost year round riding. There are a few m ninths that get to be a bit too hot and not so good. i look forward to finally getting on with that part of my goals.
Watching the relationship deteriorate between d18 and her mother is tuff to watch. D18 is behaving like the mature adult....
But I know that I must stand back and let them do what they need for themselves.
Thank you for the support and swinging by.
Just checking in with my online dad. (though I think the only way you could be my father is if you were a very young teenage dad lol)
LOL, Sara....oh my blood pressure when reading your update that evening....
I am doing well. Just licking some wounds and trying to put some pieces back in place. I see that your challenges are still on the roller coaster....
I hope that you can really step back. You have put in so much work, and now it is time for his spinning top to spin itself out....
You just don't have to be in the vicinity while he does......
I will be observing and when ever I can share some thoughts, please shout out to me.
Phoebe!!
Ugh!!! I am so sorry about your weekend. I pray that you can have a week go by with nothing but pure joy and happiness. But you are doing the work and I know that it will pay off.
((((Phoebe)))))
Listen up true believers.... wow SH, another comic book nerd like myself. Not a big surprise, introverted self, and the idealized concept of larger than life heroes go hand in hand.
Like Phoebe, I read every word (you had me at Hulk, and Phoebe, your reply was as amazing as they come). Interesting choices of heroes SH. About the Hulk, so being a true comic nerd, I have sought to nerd up my son. Comics gave me much restitution a a kid, I hope they do for him. When I was still having serious anger control issues, around when s5 was s3/s4 he first asked me why I "had the Hulk in your blood". This shook me to the core. A kid that young, saying so much with so little.
As I reviewed myself, Hulk was a true modern day Jeckyl and Hide. The well intentioned under the radar Banner who can transform into an illogical reptilian minded animal when releasing rage. That was how my son chose to describe me in those times. My son saw me as a loving, caring man, who once provoked, could turn into a monster which had no relationship with anything sensible or caring. Wow, that cut me to the bone. You saw the Hulk inside you? More like my Demon, and your "Darkness".
And now Logan - the impenetrable bastion of introverted justification. Wants to be left alone so that he may have time to reconstruct himself. Capable of love and love entire, but looses them all, usually to some horrifying event of supernatural happenstance which becomes yet another log to fuel his reasons for remaining inside his own mind. When the Wolverine fights, his concern is not of right or wrong, but of issuance of pain and suffering to those he feels earned it, driven by his own pain and suffering which he feels he does not deserve, but knows he somehow earned via the guilt of why the women he loves are continually lost in a way that he knows deep down relates back to him. The Wolverine's sentence, he cannot be killed, he can feel pain and hurt, but it goes away, Stan Lee titled this power "the healing factor", but it really isn't. Wolverine's body heals, but his mind remembers-and thus perpetuation.
The beauty of Lee's creations and life's work are that all of these superheroes poses inherent flaws. All of them, Dr. Strange got into a car accident and it humbled his conceit at being the world's greatest surgeon, Silver Surfer was condemned to a life of following a mission he did not always believe in so that he may protect the love of his life via not letting their planet get consumed, Northstar of Alpha Flight was the worlds best skier living in fear all may find out he uses his mutation for speed and flight to dominate. All of them have inherent flaws. But what makes them super heroes while we read their journey? The action panels excite us, but the reading in between reveals a quest of self - who am I and where did I come from - Logan. How can I control this rage inside me - Banner. They all examine the cards they were dealt, they all see understanding about their lives, and then they try so hard to use these pains and talents to do the right thing while always feeling like there is still something wrong.
SH, Phoebe raised the idea of simple human. Is this not unlike Banner, who had a life altering event which he had to spend the rest of his life learning to comprehend, or Logan, who was born into being just slightly different, but passable when he could cover it up? Pain and difference is a normal part of the human experience. It is how we seek to understand ways which we may channel pain and difference that have the potential to make us heroes, it is our acknowledgement that the pain and difference will never go away so we choose to learn how these can turn us into a force for good which makes heroes "super".
This was just the nerdiest post perhaps ever written into the world of DB forums, but I don't care as long as you heard the message sir. May I suggest, if so bold, Semper Heros - latin for always a hero. Secret identity revealed, the CT in my name here is for Cum Triumpho, Latin for "with triumph", I knew from the start what my end game was, just not how to get there. You're a better man for knowing who your heroes are, now who are you a hero to? Like many here in DB world, you are one of my heroes, because your effort, integrity, and insight on your self for the sole sake of understanding why you sir are you, and how you can not only do, but be better, fulfills my definition of superhero.
I was just stopping in to read tonight, but saw your post and it prompted. I could take my WAS position and blame you for costing me 20minutes of livid brain dump onto your thread when I could have been working on my classes, but instead I will thank you for giving yet another beautiful honest look at you which offered me a chance to look at myself. This is the entire point of DB in MHO and the definition of heros - helping others while unknowingly advancing ourselves. Be well to night my friend.
CT.....
Where do I begin...
I have read your post at least a half a dozen times....
The passion...
The sincerity..
The insight...
I am truly touched at the message you share here...
And the gratitude that you provide me....
You very eloquently share much of my thoughts and you know what....
If anyone finds it nerdy....
Well, then they miss out on the message....
My parents chose not to have a TV in our home when growing up, so much of my "entertainment" was in the form of comic books and science fiction novels.
I used to be somewhat ashamed of being the comic book, cartoon, science fiction guy....
But not any more....
Not sure when I stopped caring what folks thought, and now many ask me questions and thoughts about it...
Hollywood has made it a bit more mainstream...
But I like you, actually looked more at the driving story between all of the "action".
Stories that are bigger than life have always been part of human history...
I mean lets look at greek mythology, roman mythology, the old west outlaws and hero's, heck even many stories about armies in war are built up...
One of my favorites is the Watchmen. It is focused so much more on the story than any actions...and it really focuses on the flaws of the stories SuperHero's....
Yet the nobleness of the choices that were made.
But anyway, my point is not to convince, it is to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your sharing...
I know I will read it a dozen more times at least....
Thank you my friend.
My DB brother
I tip my hat
and I give you a big manly (comic book nerd) virtual hug (((CT)))
Updates and journaling.
The weekend was really nice with my girls.
The joy and happiness of D6 is just so…
almost palpable...
What a sweet spirit she is.
She was goofing off in the kitchen while D18 and I were registering for the Hot Chocolate Run coming up in December...
Yes, I said Hot Chocolate 5k run...running and Chocolate...lots'o chocolate....How sweet is that!??!?!?!
LOL
Anyway, she was supposed to be watching her show Lab Rats, (that she has got me hooked on by the way. If anyone needs a completely LBS friendly show and laughs, it is pretty good.) But was in the kitchen playing around, when we heard a BANG!...Then a squeal...then her crying.
D18 ran out and when she did not holler to me, I knew she would be okay...…but she cried and cried so I went out to see what was going on.
D6, is a bit of a drama queen....and was kind of carrying on....
I got frustrated a bit and started grilling her about what happened and when it came out she was "playing"in the kitchen, I asked her what we have discussed about that....
I may have gone on a bit longer than I should have and D18 called me out and asked if I could continue the interrogation after d6 calmed down.
I knew she was right, but the emotion of anger started, as ego kicked in...…I held it down. Picked up my baby girl and carried her into my bedroom, set her down, calmed her down, told her I loved her and then we had a pleasant conversation about the do's and don't of the kitchen.
The child likes to put a blanket on her head and wander around...she has gotten a bit taller in the last months and her nose is right at counter level...yup, walked right into it.
Crazy child of mine....
All is well and I have another lesson of maintaining calm, make my fatherly point, but with more appropriate timing.
So, I have a decision to make, as Saturday morning when d^ woke up, she announced to me that she had a good dream.
I asked her what it was.
She said that she dreamed that she was at her grandma's house during fall break.
I said, nice.
She said, Gma invited her and her mom to visit.
Gma lives in another state.
I knew what this meant...
So I saw STBX as she picked D6 up Sunday to attend a church program as we had agreed earlier in the week.
Saw her at pick up and when she dropped D6 back....
She did not mention anything...
Then late last night I receive a text asking what my plans were during the week of d6 all break.
I replied that I was looking at options for the Monday, Wednesday and Thursday for that week.
She replied, only Wed. and Thursday and that she wanted to take D6 with her to visit her parents.
I replied that Monday was the holiday....
(The is a point, because on Labor Day, it was my Monday and Tuesday with D6. When I asked her what time she would drop of, she was a little sarcastic in telling me that it was a holiday after a weekend and that the D paperwork said that the parent with the child on the weekend gets that Monday as well....Okay.
Lesson learned for me to pay more attention to those details.
Interesting one month later, she does not remember the detail she pointed out to me???
You are right...it does not matter, but where is the rub....
She replies,
Oh. Ok. Well if you can't find a daycare for her that week. I would like to to take her to Utah.
30 seconds later..
Are you trying to take work off?
Forget someone to babysit?
I chose not to reply...
Her emails are sporadic and based on pst text or phone conversations tend to lead to a blow up.
So, my decision and what I am praying for guidance is,
1. Let her take D6, because I know D6 loves seeing her grandparents, and there is benefit for my D in that relationship.
2. STBX wanted 6 weeks in D paperwork for vacation time per year...My L said no way! 2 weeks, and anything more can be decided by us when we can be cordial about it. STBX already took D6 for 2 weeks over the summer. I also know a storm is brewing because she wants 2 more weeks in December to go to her parents. Tell her no, because she has already taken the time.
3. Let her do it, knowing that will squash all future debate for December....
Option 1 is me looking out for D6, but may be giving to much rope....
Option 2 seems the most fair to keep balance and peace until we can co parent and communicate effectively.
Option 3, I know just seems a way to gain leverage and not so sure I want that to be my style.
So I will pray and meditate on it, make a decision and accept what ever may be.
Sorry but I missed a step,why is W only allowed 2 weeks holidays a year? Seems little to me, but if that is the legal arrangement, then good for you.
Firstly know exactly your rights. Reread the small print!! That will let you know what you can do. Maybe before posting you did that, but it us the first step
Secondly, what suits you? As you have no plans in place maybe nit having D suits so you don't have to take time off. Only you can decide. But make sure your reasons are good ones and correlate with my question.
Here is where it gets sticky. You are not obliged to but consider the bigger picture and all its complexities.
# if W pushes and bends the agreement and gets her way, it sets a precedence that should be nipped in the bud IMO. This does nit mean say no, but she needs to know it is your decision.
# falling back on the agreement with robot rigidity would achieve this BUT for me its not Simply Human and it is not you.
# you can be flexible without being a doormat. Whereas I realise the importance of sticking to an agreed structure especially in early separation, I believe life presents problems and opportunities at random that we humans should adapt to.
# hardcore tough love dbers will state she needs to fee consequences. There is logic to that, but it should not be the reason behind your decision again IMO.
Me personally would prefer to have my kids for Christmas. So I would probably be flexible now but be upfront about sticking to your agreement for the Christmas holidays. You could swap things out for the fall breakand let your D go until Wed and then you have her Thursday and Friday plus weekend.
Good luck with your decision.
roist
thank you for the thoughts.
The 2 weeks was at the advisement of my L. She wanted 6-8 weeks af vacation time as she is a school teacher, but I don't get that much vacation time from my job.
L advised it is best to make 2 weeks legal, and as we can learn to co parent we have the right and option to go above that. He advised because of the hostility and her efforts to take advantage of the vacation and holiday schedule, that fair was the best legal thing to agree to.
My L is very pro children and mature healthy co parenting. His focus is keeping that balanced without letting the parents make everything a fight.
So it makes sense and right now, she is pushing limits with a lot of it.
She is angry when I make arraignments on my days for care if I have work but if the arraignment is with her, she seems to find ways to tell me last minute that I need other arrangements. Feels kind of a game, but I am doing my best to pay it no mind and respond as needed to care for my D6.
So as much as I want the time with D6, I know how much she wants to visit her grandparents, and it can save me days off so that when I take vacation, I can spend it with her... and it does minimize the potential argument for the winter break.
My mind really wants a right or wrong answer here, and I know my challenge is that the mind is creating scenarios that she will dam me if I do and dam me if I don't...but that is simply in my mind...Do what is right for me...and d6. Right?
I just need to be decisive here.
Quick journaling.
This past weekend d6 made some comments that I believe were slips as she is trying to process this sitch and it was uncomfortable and saddening.
When we were at movie night, d6 called her sister mom on a couple of occasions and then caught herself.
Saturday we were driving to breakfast and a good song was on that I started dancing to (as you do when in the car), and then d18 joined in. D6 said, you guys look like you are married...stop dancing.
Sunday before heading to church, d6 says, "Daddy, 'Suzy's' mommy is D'd and she stays at her daddies house sometimes like I do."
UGH!!! She is processing it as well as can be expected, but the confusion is slipping.
She struggles to describe the homes. She can't decide if they are mommies home and daddies home, or her hope or what....
Dang it...she will be al right. I will ensure that she feels loved and cared for.
D18 and I have really been trying to establish our, I don't know what you call it, but she is striking out on her own and feels pulled back by me and her mother.
I am trying to find a balance as she uses me as her sounding board and I try to just listen, and then she demands I speak up, and then I speak, and she gets frustrated at what I say...Oh goodness. She really needs a female role model and perspective right now if ever.
What do I do?
Well, I keep trying to learn how to best support her and provide what she needs. I learn from my mistakes, and then I try again.
And I love the heck out of both of them no matter what.
That is what I do.
I am making a challenging decision to pull back here in the forums as well as out here IRL...
I have thrown myself into trying to help others and share all that I am trying an learning...
This is a comfort zone and has set me up so that I do not have to face my own challenges, fears, demons and darkness.
They're all creeping in on me and I can feel them advancing more each day.
The numbness that is taking over is making most of my efforts feel hollow and going through the motions.
I have basically faked it...to the point that old, bad, familiar and comfortable habits are returning, as well as some new ones that can not be part of what I am trying to do.
Growth will not come from feeling comfortable...
Growth will not come from doing the same things and hoping for different outcomes.
But first, I really need to ensure that my wounds and injuries have been treated and heal properly...
An injured superhero is a liability to not only him/herself, but also to those that he/she is trying to help out...
The Wolverine in me must set out on a journey to heal, put together the history that is important to know and to retreat within to fight back the darkness, the demons, the doubt and the committee that is trying to convince me of things that do not add up to who I want to be, and what I know I should be.
I need to charge my higher power, as well as rely on a higher power to help me see light inside, feel strength in my soul, and maintain the peace in my head.
I will not be as visible in the streets of DB town, but I will be in the shadows watching over those that can use support from my prayers, those that knock at the door of my hideout that is my thread/story, and in the case that the authorities are not around to help, I will lend my self until which time others can support.
As in the stories of the heroes I have read on, my inner conflict has gotten in the way of the good I wish to provide, and eluded my ability to serve as I would like to...
Please do not hesitate to send up a Bat signal if I can help...
What does it take to be a Super Hero?
Chapter 1-
In my darkest hours after the BD, I was on the brink of nothingness...
The pain was intense, like no physical pain that I have ever felt.
The desire for someone, or something to simply snuff out my breath was a very real and piercing desire in the days that dragged on.
Sleep was elusive. It was haunted and dark.
The days passed as nothing more than shadows of a routine that had gone on far to long.
Memories were short, but the drama was intense.
Focus of thought felt a mere impossibility...The images of a failure crossed the highways of the mind at extreme speeds hour after hour.
My daughter was desperate to help me, although suffering her own sense of darkness and hopelessness.
She sent texts with thoughts of hope, she would call to ensure my voice could be heard and she share lyrics of songs that brought her hope.
She sent me one song that grabbed my attention from the dark mist...it injected some strength to get to the next hour. It tugged at the strings of my heart...it is the song that I played over and over to hear each word...digest each point...I watched the video to visualize the message it shared with me...it was the beginning of the creation of what some have called a Super Hero...
The Script-
Super Hero
All her life she has seen
All the meanest side me
They took away the prophet's dream
For a profit on the street
Now she's stronger than you know
A heart of steel starts to grow
All his life he's been told
He'll be nothing when he's old
All the kicks and all the blows
He won't ever let it show
'Cause he's stronger than you know
A heart of steel starts to grow
When you've been fighting for it all your life
You've been struggling to make things right
That's how a superhero learns to fly
(Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power)
When you've fighting for it all your life
You've been working every day and night
That's how a superhero learns to fly
(Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power)
Oh-oh, oh, oh
Oh-oh, oh, oh
All the hurt, all the lies
All the tears that they cry
When the moment is just right
You'll see fire in their eyes
'Cause he's stronger than you know
A heart of steel starts to grow
When you've been fighting for it all your life
You've been struggling to make things right
That's how a superhero learns to fly
(Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power)
When you've fighting for it all your life
You've been working every day and night
That's how a superhero learns to fly
Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power (power, power, power, power, power)
(Power, power, power, power)
Every day, every hour turn that pain into power
(Power, power, power, power)
(Power, power, power, power)
Every day, every hour turn that pain into power
She's got lions in her heart
A fire in her soul he's a got a beast
In his belly that's so hard to control
Cause they've taken too much hits, taking blow by blow
Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode
She's got lions in her heart
A fire in her soul he's a got a beast
In his belly that's so hard to control
Cause they've taken too much hits, taking blow by blow
Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode
When you've been fighting for it all your life
You've been struggling to make things right
That's a how a superhero learns to fly
(Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power)
When you've fighting for it all your life
You've been working every day and night
That's a how a superhero learns to fly
Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power (power, power, power, power, power)
Oh, yes (power, power, power, power)
Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power
(Power, power, power, power) Ooh, yeah
Whoa (power, power, power, power)
(Every day, every hour, turn that pain into power)
When you've been fighting for it all your life
You've been struggling to make things right
That's how a superhero learns to fly
Jump to the present,
A few days ago, my D was sharing with me her top 3 favorite songs...
Super Hero was her favorite...
I said, that is my favorite as it spoke to me when you shared it with me the first time...The father in the song gave me strength...
She replied , I like it because of the other person in the video...
I replied that I really connect with the father character, she said, yes dad, and I connect with the
other person...she points to herself and smiles at me.
I choke up a bit at this.
What does it take to be a Super Hero?Chapter 1-1
Currently the darkness inside is creeping up...it is not taking over, nor does it have a strangle hold, but it is sensed on the fringes.
I remain vigilant and on alert so as to not let it in without my full attention and fight...
But i need to be able to heal while remaining vigilant...also there is training and gathering a team that is needed.
Music was always a love of mine. It disappeared during my MR...not sure why, but it did.
My brother encouraged much to use it to heal...He shared a very dark time in his life and how it helped him...D18 encouraged much the same...
I have found value in it...music taste varies as I like music with a message...
This is strengthening at times, it heals me at others...it helps me reflect...and feel... when a song with the message and lyrics match that which is in my soul...
This song I have heard many a times, and even thought it was weird song...the lyrics never connected for me, until this past week...I then watched the video and it is haunting...yet, there is a power in it that has allowed me to see a shape to the darkness that is trying to creep in...
Shawn Mendes
Stitches
I thought that I've been hurt before
But no one's ever left me quite this sore
Your words cut deeper than a knife
Now I need someone to breathe me back to life
Got a feeling that I'm going under
But I know that I'll make it out alive
If I quit calling you my lover
Move on
You watch me bleed until I can't breathe
I'm shaking falling onto my knees
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
I'm tripping over myself
I'm aching begging you to come help
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
Just like a moth drawn to a flame
Oh you lured me in I couldn't sense the pain
Your bitter heart cold to the touch
Now I'm gonna reap what I sew
I'm left seeing red on my own
Got a feeling that I'm going under
But I know that I'll make it out alive
If I quit calling you my lover
Move on
You watch me bleed until I can't breathe
I'm shaking falling onto my knees
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
I'm tripping over myself
I'm aching begging you to come help
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
Needle and the thread
Gotta get you out of my head
Needle and the thread
Gonna wind up dead
Needle and the thread
Gotta get you out of my head
Needle and the thread
Gonna wind up dead
Needle and the thread
Gotta get you out of my head
Needle and the thread
Gonna wind up dead
Needle and the thread
Gotta get you out of my head get you out of my head
You watch me bleed until I can't breathe
I'm shaking falling onto my knees
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
I'm tripping over myself
I'm aching begging you to come help
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
This really is what the fight inside looks and feels like for me now...
But, to those following this story, do not fret nor despair...
It is in the struggle, growth and progress can happen. it nourishes the strength to fight another day, and prevail in the end...
“Great heroes need great sorrows and burdens, or half their greatness goes unnoticed. It is all part of the fairy tale.” ~ Peter S. Beagle
Does this mean that I won't be hearing from you, SH? That's kind of sad, but you have to do what's best for you. Keep up the journaling, though. We both know the value it can bring to our thought processes.
(((((SH)))))
Journaling.
Today has been a good day...
D18 was in the news for a service project that she is doing to collect shoes to gove to folks in need across the world...
And to top it off, when I saw the piece, it started out by saying, not everyone thinks like D18's dad....
Say whaa....?
Then it cuts to D18 who shares the story about how she got started with this project because I encouraged her not to toss out her used shoes, but to gather them to give to someone that may need them...
I had forgotten of this....and it never hit me that is why she started this project sometime after that interaction.
Talk about a choked up and proud papa!!!
This girl!
I tell you is from some magical, heavenly place and I am the luckiest man on the planet to have been chosen to be her father...
She is so strong and so focused, that....I don't even know what to say now...
Goodness how I love the sweet angel.
And too top off my day, d6 is with me and oh the joy and happiness that comes into the room with her.
I am just gushing like a...a...Heck I don't even know like a what!?!?
But I will wrap this up and do so by signing off tonight as the proudest, luckiest, oh so happy father of the day!!!
(my face is starting to hurt from the perma grin...)
What a wonderful story, SH. You have every reason to be proud, both of her and of yourself for raising such a great kid. You are both lucky - you have each other!
I am so glad to know that you had a really good day. Maybe it will be contagious.
((((((((Silver Heart))))))))
This is where the thumbs up I like option would be used!!!!
SH, what can I say? You're a great Dad and d18 is a great girl!
I am sure that she learns a lot from watching your grace under fire.
Hey there,
Just doing a little reading, say you have some decisions to make regarding D6 time. What would I do personally you ask? (well, you didn't ask, but I 'm going to tell you)
Seems like seeing her grandparents would make her super happy. It's a week, it would be a nice vacation for her.
I think your L's idea of starting with 2 weeks each then negotiating the others is great. My ex and I have a much more flexible so it is hard to weigh in on other's schedules. I have our D most of the time. We each take one week with her in the summer. Holiday weeks off, well, we send her to the vacation club her after school care runs. For the days there is no care, we send her to whomever will take her, lol! May it be his sister, my dad, my friend, or he has a whole lot more days off than I do, he takes her if he is off and I am not.
If we schedule a vacation outside of the summer, neither of us personally has a problem with her going, no matter who's parenting time. It's great for her to get away and have some fun. We let eachother know in advance. And if I schedule a vacation for myself without D9, I let him know in advance, because yes, for one week a year, he's got to figure out how to handle a whole week, whether or not it's my parenting day or not, because well, I get most of the parenting days.
I only share so you can have an idea of how it works for some people. There really is no right or wrong answer. It's what works for you, your ex, and your kids. As time goes on and you figure out your groove, things may become more flexible.
As far this:
"I am just gushing like a...a...Heck I don't even know like a what!?!?"
I believe you are gushing like a "little school girl"
But there is nothing more manly and attractive than a guy who gushes like a little school girl over his children. So it works for you.
Your kids seem amazing. Your oldest is beyond her years in a good way. Your youngest reminds me of mine, so spirited she can't help but light up every room she walks into.
Thank you Phoebe, roist and Grl!!!
The pride has continued on into today.
I shared the video with folks at work and family and friends and the outpouring has been wonderful.
Ginger...Thank you so much for your thought and advice...
It helped me to confirm the decision that I made.
Yes...like a school girl...Thank you for making me feel attractive today, cuz, I was gushing all day!!
Journaling...
My day has been a wonderful one with moments of emotion...the good kind.
I shared the link to the news story with everyone I could...I know that d18 is going to meet her goal for her project.
I also came to a decision for d6 and fall break.
D6 pulled me aside yesterday and said, would you change my time with you so I can visit grandma. She told me that the whole family was invited and If I would go. I told her that I could not, but that maybe it would be a good idea to talk to her mother and see if she could go. She told me Thank you.
I knew in that moment what I needed to decide and no rational nor other reasoning mattered...
This was about D6...she has a good relationship with her grandparents, and she of all people right now needs the opportunity to cultivate these sorts of relationships.
I decided to let WAW know...
She was surprised...
She said that she was sorry that D6 had brought it up to me because she had not told her that she was checking with me.
This morning when I dropped d6 off, she told her mother I said she could go.
WAW apologized several times..
I replied, I want to do what is right for D6...no matter what...nothing between us should ever stand in the way of that.
WAW agreed and then asked if we could swap some other days so that I do not lose any time with D6...I told her we can work something out, and for now to go ahead and plan the trip and let me know and not to worry much about those details.
First cordial conversation...almost more than just cordial, there was not an ounce of anger, nor spite...It was plain pleasant to speak with her for a few moments.
With all that is going well and the source of much of my pride and hoy being my daughters, I ran across a song that I have not heard for years, but I know the first time I heard it, it invoked strong emotions form d18....and now the song struck the same chord for both lil angels for me...one D that is nearing the end of the song, and the other D being the one at the beginning.
Butterfly Kisses
Bob Carlisle
There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven,
And she's daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night,
She talks to Jesus, and I close my eyes.
And I thank god for all of the joy in
My life, but most of all, for
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk beside the pony
Daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny,
Daddy, but I sure tried."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning,
And butterfly kisses at night.
Sweet sixteen today,
She's looking like her mamma
A little more every day.
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and makeup,
From ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings out in a great
Big world. but I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you daddy,
But if you don't mind,
I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
Oh with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right.
To deserve her love every morning,
And butterfly kisses at night.
All the precious time
Ohhh like the wind, when the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly
She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise,
And I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride room
Just staring at her,
She asked me what I'm thinking,
And I said "I'm not sure,
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over and gave me
Butterfly kisses, with her mama there
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk me down the aisle daddy, it's just
About time"
"Does my wedding gown look pretty Daddy?"
"Daddy don't cry"
Oh with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning,
And butterfly kisses
I couldn't ask god for more, man, this is
What love is
I know I've gotta let her go, but I'll always
Remember
Every hug in the morning, and butterfly kisses
There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven,
And she's daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night,
She talks to Jesus, and I close my eyes.
And I thank god for all of the joy in
My life, but most of all, for
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk beside the pony
Daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny,
Daddy, but I sure tried."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning,
And butterfly kisses at night.
Sweet sixteen today,
She's looking like her mamma
A little more every day.
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and makeup,
From ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings out in a great
Big world. but I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you daddy,
But if you don't mind,
I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
Oh with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right.
To deserve her love every morning,
And butterfly kisses at night.
All the precious time
Ohhh like the wind, when the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly
She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise,
And I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride room
Just staring at her,
She asked me what I'm thinking,
And I said "I'm not sure,
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over and gave me
Butterfly kisses, with her mama there
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk me down the aisle daddy, it's just
About time"
"Does my wedding gown look pretty Daddy?"
"Daddy don't cry"
Oh with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning,
And butterfly kisses
I couldn't ask god for more, man, this is
What love is
I know I've gotta let her go, but I'll always
Remember
Every hug in the morning, and butterfly kisses
I have not been getting as much sleep as I should...not having issues sleeping, just staying up late reading and waking early to go jogging...
It is catching up...
I hope and pray for good things for all of you here...it is a long road...it does get better...Peace to all of you.
A good quote to end my thoughts this evening came to me from a friend...
It is the simple truth and guide by which we all need to stay focused on in our journeys.
"Doing the right thing - is never wrong"
Good on you, SH, for the decision on d6's holiday.
I love the song 'Butterfly kisses' as well...
Beautiful song SH, it really hits home! I am glad to see that you are doing well and enjoying your daughters.
Yes, perfect!!!!
Everything about that was perfect. So true, doing the right thing is never wrong. Absolutely!
SH, why are you adopting my bad sleeping patterns??? You're doing the exact same thing I have been doing... just staying up to do random things!
Watch out fellow DB'ers. This bad habit is apparently contagious.
Beyond that I enjoyed reading your post and am hoping that you have been doing well in the days since you wrote here last.
((((((SH))))))
Grl, melo, Ginger and Phoebe, thank you for the support and positive vibes.
Phoebe, fortunately the sleep patters are consistent, just short a couple of hours. I am back on track this week and feeling less exhausted...
I ran across this and found it of most benefit and worth reading daily.
I see many stories here that could use these to find balance within ones self...
Every bad emotion that runs through can be remedied with these reminders...
#6 and #11 are the two that are getting much of my focus right now.
12 Daily Reminders
1. The past cannot be changed.
2. Opinions don't define your reality.
3. Everyone's journey is different.
4. Things always get better with time.
5. Judgements are a confession of character.
6. Overthinking with lead to sadness.
7. Happiness is found within.
8. Positive thoughts create positive things.
9. Smiles are contagious.
10. Kindness is free.
11. You only fail if you quit.
12. What goes around, comes around.
I hope that those that read may find some comfort and benefit in the moment.
Journaling-
It has been mostly quiet for me.
I went to a GAL activity with a couple of friends from work on Saturday.
BBQ and baseball game. It was nice, but I did not get much from it.
I tried...just an award scene.
My one friend is 15 years my younger and the other friend is in the midst of a separation herself and brought her 4 year old son. Cute kid and I would love to have him hang out with D6 as they would get along well I believe...but I just did not feel like it was much fun...
What is wrong with me?
Maybe it is the efforts i am making to come of the meds?
I hope not, because, I do not want to keep taking those things and I want to be me...feel me...feel real peace and joy...grrrr
So the week has been nail in my tire Monday, filling popping out of a tooth and getting it fixed today...sleeping better, good energy for my workouts and runs, but head feels like it is thinking in quicksand...
And to top it all off, I may have come to a realization that I have zero social circle as I am cutting loose some friends that just take and take...Why have I put up with this for so many years...
I am not seeking that anyone give me anything, but I realized I am sitting around at their beck and call...and the just is not going to work for me anymore...
Anywhoo....
I am doing alright.
D18 has expressed concern, but really, I am fine...maybe stuck inside more than I thought, but I gotta get this figured out.
It's late...I have to go get some sleep.
I hope all is well out there in the community...I am checking in...just not so much.
This is the song that is resonating with me this week.
Theory of a Deadman
Head above Water
_____________________________________
Did you ever picture life like this
No shooting star to grant your wish
Are you everything you hoped you'd be
I got somewhere in between
You dropped your miracle down a wishing well
And prayed for luck to cast it's spell
To bring you closer to your dreams
That always seem just out of reach
You pray to God, don't know when
But you feel the current pull you in
You try to keep your head above water
It's never been harder
Even when it feels hopeless
You're gonna get through this
Head above water
Gotta fight from going under
Even when it feels useless to wish
You're gonna get through this
Have you ever felt like giving in
Tried for hours but just can't win
Tell yourself you're not good enough
The struggle alone is just too much
No one's there to hear you scream
You gasp for air but cannot breathe
Did you ever think you'd see the day
When you'd watch your life get washed away
You pray to God, don't know when
But you feel the current pull you in
You try to keep your head above water
It's never been harder
Even when it feels hopeless
You're gonna get through this
Head above water
Gotta fight from going under
Even when it feels useless to wish
You're gonna get through this
Did it ever hurt so bad
That the thought of feeling lost
Would never end
Well you will think again
Try to keep your head above water
It's never been harder
When it feels hopeless
You're gonna get through this
Head above water
Gotta fight from going under
Even when it feels useless to wish
You're gonna get through this
Your head above water, never been harder
Tryin' to keep your head above water
Has never been harder
You're gonna get through this
You're gonna get through this
Watch the music video....
The ending...after the song...
Keep your head above the water.
I AM GONNA GET THROUGH THIS!!!
Inspiration for my week.
Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit. -Napoleon HillNext Chapter-
A Father, that was called a Super Hero-Wolverine