My Wife Walked Out 6 - 08/30/16 10:39 AM
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 08/30/16 10:43 AM
Originally Posted By: RSG
Mach could you explain that a little further? I'm not sure exactly what you mean?
I am just wondering, if you were going to attempt a "love charge" to her tank..... for you, or for her ?
Are you attempting to charge her tank ?
Or are you doing it just to feel better about you, and to temperature check if you have made any progress...
???
I just want you to be sure with your intentions beforehand....
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 08/30/16 05:29 PM
Thank you Mach! To be frank, at first it was to see my progress and where things stand. However, since you had me think about it more it could ALSO be to put another drop in her love tank. That means I'd have to be more selective about WHEN I'd do it (ie at an appropriate time rather than just finding an opening).
Coconut and Doodler. YOU ARE EVIL. I may be short and thin, but as a wise man once put it.....I Like Big Butts and I cannot lie!
Had a great session with my therapist. She hears the progress I've seen and thinks keeping it slow is very smart at this time. She also agrees with slowly but surely integrating soft, platonic, quick touching. She did say one thing I need to do is to continue to work on direct communication. It doesn't show interest or chasing to ask, in a non-threatening or accusatory way, why she didn't come to the Dr for example.
Also, she noted that as communication continues to soften I could branch out and throw out an open ended question in which she can reveal more about herself. One challenge she had for me was, as this continues SHE will begin to ask questions about me. Shutting them down won't really continue our progress, so try to think of how much you're willing to share and WHAT you're willing to share.
She asked about my cooking, and was very pleased to see I continue to do things that make me happy and trying new things.
She stressed patience, which I noted I'm working really hard on. Continue to celebrate the baby steps, keep doing what works, and keep doing the things that make you happy.
Really good to hear, especially on such a stressful day. Rushing all day. from 6AM to 6PM I felt like I was in a rush. Every part of my life is a rush. Except one lol.
Coconut and Doodler. YOU ARE EVIL. I may be short and thin, but as a wise man once put it.....I Like Big Butts and I cannot lie!
Had a great session with my therapist. She hears the progress I've seen and thinks keeping it slow is very smart at this time. She also agrees with slowly but surely integrating soft, platonic, quick touching. She did say one thing I need to do is to continue to work on direct communication. It doesn't show interest or chasing to ask, in a non-threatening or accusatory way, why she didn't come to the Dr for example.
Also, she noted that as communication continues to soften I could branch out and throw out an open ended question in which she can reveal more about herself. One challenge she had for me was, as this continues SHE will begin to ask questions about me. Shutting them down won't really continue our progress, so try to think of how much you're willing to share and WHAT you're willing to share.
She asked about my cooking, and was very pleased to see I continue to do things that make me happy and trying new things.
She stressed patience, which I noted I'm working really hard on. Continue to celebrate the baby steps, keep doing what works, and keep doing the things that make you happy.
Really good to hear, especially on such a stressful day. Rushing all day. from 6AM to 6PM I felt like I was in a rush. Every part of my life is a rush. Except one lol.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 08/30/16 06:21 PM
Dmnit... I thought I had the last post on your other thread, but it re-opened... MAch1 is fast!
RSG, one thing I never was able to reconcile on the boards... women love attention (men do too I suppose). I have mixed in for a while now some very easy attention - physical and emotional. My idea has been to apply when it feels right, not when I want. Hey, not passing on whether that was you or not, just saying when I moved. Hand on lower back, touch of the arm,, even going for hair stroke when I felt it. Did it move me closer? WTF knows. I know it did not get me further back b/c I would have adjusted.
But...if I was faced w/ Mach1's questions...my answer at this point of me would be that I do it for us. I do it for the real her, and, I do it for the real me. I do it for those two confused people who both have no idea wtf is happening. I do it b/c I am out and she is in, but we are both still looking at each other through bars.
Difference is, I get to walk away. I get to choose what I eat. I get to pick my life. I get to say "good luck" and leave. All if I choose. But, for now, my hand is on the glass, wondering it the primate on the other side will respond in kind. And if not today, I will visit briefly tomorrow...
RSG, one thing I never was able to reconcile on the boards... women love attention (men do too I suppose). I have mixed in for a while now some very easy attention - physical and emotional. My idea has been to apply when it feels right, not when I want. Hey, not passing on whether that was you or not, just saying when I moved. Hand on lower back, touch of the arm,, even going for hair stroke when I felt it. Did it move me closer? WTF knows. I know it did not get me further back b/c I would have adjusted.
But...if I was faced w/ Mach1's questions...my answer at this point of me would be that I do it for us. I do it for the real her, and, I do it for the real me. I do it for those two confused people who both have no idea wtf is happening. I do it b/c I am out and she is in, but we are both still looking at each other through bars.
Difference is, I get to walk away. I get to choose what I eat. I get to pick my life. I get to say "good luck" and leave. All if I choose. But, for now, my hand is on the glass, wondering it the primate on the other side will respond in kind. And if not today, I will visit briefly tomorrow...
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 08/30/16 07:03 PM
Your posts are always so profound.
I remember shortly after she left, she was over to pick up S in the AM and while we were looking for snacks I put my hands on her waist as a way to indicate if she moved, I could find something. Things were so different then, I think she LET me do that. Now, I feel like touching is something we both have to become comfortable with again.
I feel like our communication has brought us to a point where we can start getting slightly more personal. I've noticed some changes in the way she speaks, and if I do I'm more than sure she recognizes those in me because I started working on things long before she did.
I worry about showing my W too much too soon, I think that's why I want to be so slow about everything. I can feel a little positive movement towards me, and I don't want to scare her off.
If I read you correctly, it kind of sounds like you're trying to wake up your wife and expel the alien currently infesting her body. And when it doesn't work, you move on and keep chugging along with life....
I remember shortly after she left, she was over to pick up S in the AM and while we were looking for snacks I put my hands on her waist as a way to indicate if she moved, I could find something. Things were so different then, I think she LET me do that. Now, I feel like touching is something we both have to become comfortable with again.
I feel like our communication has brought us to a point where we can start getting slightly more personal. I've noticed some changes in the way she speaks, and if I do I'm more than sure she recognizes those in me because I started working on things long before she did.
I worry about showing my W too much too soon, I think that's why I want to be so slow about everything. I can feel a little positive movement towards me, and I don't want to scare her off.
If I read you correctly, it kind of sounds like you're trying to wake up your wife and expel the alien currently infesting her body. And when it doesn't work, you move on and keep chugging along with life....
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 08/30/16 07:26 PM
RSG - I put my hands on her when I want to, because at those moments I trust she wants me to. By she I mean the prisoner, by me I mean the visitor. I think you get that.
Somewhere inside us both, by both I mean me and my girl, you and your girl, all of us and all of our girls, and those girls here and their guys, not the LBS here and all the WW out there, rather the disrupted lovers out there, those who will not have to come here and those who will. Somewhere inside, somewhere, are still two lovers who cannot let go, who will not let go. It is primal, it is animal, and it is instinct. If I loose that, I am done.
I do believe I am best served on the MLC board, which is where I have moved my sitch. BUT...... for all I have read there, what I have not lost, a woman is still a woman, a man is still a man; pain remains pain, and hope once forgotten is not easily regained. I am detached. I am not without hope. I am not without gender - neither is who will always be my girl. I will succeed for me, whatever that looks like, and so will all of us if we know the above to be true.
You have come so far RSG, I do salute. Move at your pace and when this is done, invite me to have a drink w/ you and your W. Then confidently ask her to excuse herself so we can laugh and remember, and when that day comes, whether I am w/ my W or not, you will be correct, I shall be chugging along w/ my life.
Somewhere inside us both, by both I mean me and my girl, you and your girl, all of us and all of our girls, and those girls here and their guys, not the LBS here and all the WW out there, rather the disrupted lovers out there, those who will not have to come here and those who will. Somewhere inside, somewhere, are still two lovers who cannot let go, who will not let go. It is primal, it is animal, and it is instinct. If I loose that, I am done.
I do believe I am best served on the MLC board, which is where I have moved my sitch. BUT...... for all I have read there, what I have not lost, a woman is still a woman, a man is still a man; pain remains pain, and hope once forgotten is not easily regained. I am detached. I am not without hope. I am not without gender - neither is who will always be my girl. I will succeed for me, whatever that looks like, and so will all of us if we know the above to be true.
You have come so far RSG, I do salute. Move at your pace and when this is done, invite me to have a drink w/ you and your W. Then confidently ask her to excuse herself so we can laugh and remember, and when that day comes, whether I am w/ my W or not, you will be correct, I shall be chugging along w/ my life.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 08/31/16 03:28 AM
RSG,
I'm shooting from the hip here, but I would consider what you hope to gain from physical touching of your WW right now. Slight touch is generally discussed as a way to rebuild intamicy between too people committed to the MR without rushing it.
If she responds positively to your touch then what? If she doesn't break it off with OM, do you then become OM yourself? I think men could be coerced back through physical intamicy, but I don't see a light touch winning over a woman, I think they need to be emotionally stimulated for PT to mean anything. And Sandi2 always says a WW can only be emotionally attached to one man at a time.
I'm shooting from the hip here, but I would consider what you hope to gain from physical touching of your WW right now. Slight touch is generally discussed as a way to rebuild intamicy between too people committed to the MR without rushing it.
If she responds positively to your touch then what? If she doesn't break it off with OM, do you then become OM yourself? I think men could be coerced back through physical intamicy, but I don't see a light touch winning over a woman, I think they need to be emotionally stimulated for PT to mean anything. And Sandi2 always says a WW can only be emotionally attached to one man at a time.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 08/31/16 06:14 AM
Originally Posted By: RSG
Thank you Mach! To be frank, at first it was to see my progress and where things stand. However, since you had me think about it more it could ALSO be to put another drop in her love tank. That means I'd have to be more selective about WHEN I'd do it (ie at an appropriate time rather than just finding an opening).
Hey Frank...
How about, if you find yourself in a situation, where it feels natural..?
That planning thing sounds kinda creepy...
You weren't tryin to cop-a-feel on your first date at Chuck-E-Cheese were you ???
Originally Posted By: CT
But...if I was faced w/ Mach1's questions...my answer at this point of me would be that I do it for us. I do it for the real her, and, I do it for the real me. I do it for those two confused people who both have no idea wtf is happening. I do it b/c I am out and she is in, but we are both still looking at each other through bars.
Define.....us
Who is "us" right now CT...
What does "us" look like
I'm not saying that either of you is wrong or right with this...
I just really want you to understand what you are doing with this...
To me, it reads like it is a trick, or a ploy to lead them back to you. Like trying to bait a rabbit into a trap.
Silly Rabbit...tricks are for newbs....
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 08/31/16 06:19 AM
Originally Posted By: Coconut
If she responds positively to your touch then what? If she doesn't break it off with OM, do you then become OM yourself? I think men could be coerced back through physical intamicy, but I don't see a light touch winning over a woman, I think they need to be emotionally stimulated for PT to mean anything. And Sandi2 always says a WW can only be emotionally attached to one man at a time.
Ayup ^^^
Men tend to use Physical Touch to build the emotional intimacy...
Women tend to use emotional intimacy, to want physical touch...
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 08/31/16 02:53 PM
Mach, you're right. That was poorly worded lol. Do it when it's natural is def what I was looking for. 
Well, slight setback today. Took my therapist's advice and asked an open ended question. She did open up a little more, but the problem is I responded too often. It's true that there were more things going on than usual today. S had his audiologist appointment, and he passed easily. I faxed the paperwork to the city, and ASAP the little guy will have an appt w/their therapist. Also, later in the day W ran over something, got a flat tire and had to buy a used one prior to dropping off S.
Still, I felt like I just chatted too much. No big deal. Learn, change and keep moving. One so so day isn't going to ruin anything. Just because the campaign started with a slog through the mud doesn't mean the battle is lost.
Cnut, I certainly wasn't thinking that far ahead. What I was hoping to accomplish was to continue creating an atmosphere where we both begin to become more comfortable with one another again. Perhaps I should stick to verbal communication, but I think if something were to happen organically it could help things.
Well, slight setback today. Took my therapist's advice and asked an open ended question. She did open up a little more, but the problem is I responded too often. It's true that there were more things going on than usual today. S had his audiologist appointment, and he passed easily. I faxed the paperwork to the city, and ASAP the little guy will have an appt w/their therapist. Also, later in the day W ran over something, got a flat tire and had to buy a used one prior to dropping off S.
Still, I felt like I just chatted too much. No big deal. Learn, change and keep moving. One so so day isn't going to ruin anything. Just because the campaign started with a slog through the mud doesn't mean the battle is lost.
Cnut, I certainly wasn't thinking that far ahead. What I was hoping to accomplish was to continue creating an atmosphere where we both begin to become more comfortable with one another again. Perhaps I should stick to verbal communication, but I think if something were to happen organically it could help things.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 08/31/16 03:41 PM
RSG, this is where it gets super confusing.
I was doing the same thing and my W is now a lot more comfortable around me and all our interactions are great we speak as if nothing has even happened. She will happily sit at my house for 3 hours and we just talk no awkwardness and no silence. And it feels good she tells me things she doesn't tell her best friends like I am her most trusted person to talk to.
And here is the point, you are trying to get to a place where you are more comfortable around each other but now I have achieved this it's like all over again I question what to do next. There is no real way to tell the difference between them opening up and being comfortable and them thinking they have put you in there friend zone. So every time things start to feel good and I remind myself there is still OM I get lost again.
Maybe as a part of your plan you have other ideas on this but I just end up lost. I really think like Sandi has said you can't nice them back. Just my thoughts at the moment.
I was doing the same thing and my W is now a lot more comfortable around me and all our interactions are great we speak as if nothing has even happened. She will happily sit at my house for 3 hours and we just talk no awkwardness and no silence. And it feels good she tells me things she doesn't tell her best friends like I am her most trusted person to talk to.
And here is the point, you are trying to get to a place where you are more comfortable around each other but now I have achieved this it's like all over again I question what to do next. There is no real way to tell the difference between them opening up and being comfortable and them thinking they have put you in there friend zone. So every time things start to feel good and I remind myself there is still OM I get lost again.
Maybe as a part of your plan you have other ideas on this but I just end up lost. I really think like Sandi has said you can't nice them back. Just my thoughts at the moment.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 08/31/16 06:21 PM
I hate that you feel like you're spinning your wheels, but thanks for sharing that. I kind of felt that way on my birthday. She stayed over most of the afternoon, and it felt good and normal. This was July 9th. Then I asked a hypothetical question about moving back home, honestly thinking she'd dismiss it. Instead, she felt hounded and said "I'm probably never coming" home. Things devolved into a terrible argument and my birthday was pretty much ruined.
I say that to say: Things have changed so much since then. It's like we started over, but from a place where "friends" was never an option. But that's how I feel on my end, so it's definitely something I need to look out for. Because being a friend is DEF not an option for me.
I say that to say: Things have changed so much since then. It's like we started over, but from a place where "friends" was never an option. But that's how I feel on my end, so it's definitely something I need to look out for. Because being a friend is DEF not an option for me.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 08/31/16 06:39 PM
Not friends is correct. I can be friendly and not be friends. Friend zone gets questions about what to do when in a relationship, or why do guys...blag, blah, blah. Friend zone listens to problems and then tries to relate by association.
So proud of your efforts RSG. I realize the fat lady hasn't sung yet, but truly, moving it along my man.
So proud of your efforts RSG. I realize the fat lady hasn't sung yet, but truly, moving it along my man.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/01/16 10:02 AM
Thanks CT, always appreciate that.
Maybe I was too hard on myself about yesterday. I DID talk too much, but there were still positives. She told me, without asking, where she went to get a new tire and how much it cost. Also, she told me where she was going after dropoff (Spartan "training").
Today, she sent me a few texts this AM asking if I'd be ok keeping little guy tomorrow if she has any side effects from the procedure tomorrow at the Dr. I was really busy, but when I got to answering I said sure no problem. She was very apologetic and seemed genuine in thanking me. I told her I hope everything goes smoothly, she said I'm sure it will. I said good, hope you have a great rest of the day. She said you too. And I left it at that.
As I was thinking about Albac's post, I was thinking about how much things have changed since she (literally) ran away from home 3mos ago.
My changes: Fully accepting the situation. Choosing to see a therapist. Putting my son #1. Finding new hobbies. Realizing I can't make her change, either in my ways or at my speed. Focusing on the day to day. Learning how to effectively communicate. Recognizing that I need to figure out what makes me happy. While I love my W enough to reconcile, I can live life w/o her and be happy. My anger has gone down greatly. Feeling my emotions, but not letting them consume me or set me back. Celebrating the baby steps, and continue to do what works.
She has also made positive changes, but it's hard to judge HOW MANY while being such a small part of her life: Talking to me more respectfully. Recognizing that I feel intruded upon w/a multitude of calls/texts about minor issues. Seeing a therapist. Recognizing I'm not the reason she is unhappy. (Based on books checked out via MY library card lol!) She mentioned she's trying to learn patience? I can sense seeds have been planted....
Status: As of 2 weeks ago. "No, I don't want to divorce."
We're both at better places than 3 months ago. Will this continue? Who knows. But, as of now, things look a lot better for me, her and us than they did....
Maybe I was too hard on myself about yesterday. I DID talk too much, but there were still positives. She told me, without asking, where she went to get a new tire and how much it cost. Also, she told me where she was going after dropoff (Spartan "training").
Today, she sent me a few texts this AM asking if I'd be ok keeping little guy tomorrow if she has any side effects from the procedure tomorrow at the Dr. I was really busy, but when I got to answering I said sure no problem. She was very apologetic and seemed genuine in thanking me. I told her I hope everything goes smoothly, she said I'm sure it will. I said good, hope you have a great rest of the day. She said you too. And I left it at that.
As I was thinking about Albac's post, I was thinking about how much things have changed since she (literally) ran away from home 3mos ago.
My changes: Fully accepting the situation. Choosing to see a therapist. Putting my son #1. Finding new hobbies. Realizing I can't make her change, either in my ways or at my speed. Focusing on the day to day. Learning how to effectively communicate. Recognizing that I need to figure out what makes me happy. While I love my W enough to reconcile, I can live life w/o her and be happy. My anger has gone down greatly. Feeling my emotions, but not letting them consume me or set me back. Celebrating the baby steps, and continue to do what works.
She has also made positive changes, but it's hard to judge HOW MANY while being such a small part of her life: Talking to me more respectfully. Recognizing that I feel intruded upon w/a multitude of calls/texts about minor issues. Seeing a therapist. Recognizing I'm not the reason she is unhappy. (Based on books checked out via MY library card lol!) She mentioned she's trying to learn patience? I can sense seeds have been planted....
Status: As of 2 weeks ago. "No, I don't want to divorce."
We're both at better places than 3 months ago. Will this continue? Who knows. But, as of now, things look a lot better for me, her and us than they did....
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/01/16 10:46 AM
Quick question,
Not quite clear on this one..... is there OM in the picture?
Not quite clear on this one..... is there OM in the picture?
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/01/16 11:08 AM
Yes. I'm not sure to what extent really, but yes.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/02/16 02:25 PM
Well, got a call from the W around 3. She went to the Dr today and had a piece of her uterine cyst taken off. She needs surgery in a couple weeks. She was told that if they didn't get it off ASAP, it could become cancerous. I told her I was glad to hear everything was ok, and to get as much rest as she could. She cut the conversation short because she was picking up S, and said she was being rude by being on the phone while there. I think she was about to cry, but it was hard to tell really. I haven't said anything else, I don't want to be that ahole who dwells on something so scary.
Not feeling good. I wanted nothing more on my way home than to open the door, hug my W and son, tell her I love her and that it's going to be ok, and have a good cry together. Instead I'm sitting at home alone holding back tears. Everything seems so stupid and petty when you put in perspective like this.
I can push through this, and be strong. I'm a little worried, but she doesn't need to see or hear that. I'm here if she needs me, and I'll always be there for my son.
Not feeling good. I wanted nothing more on my way home than to open the door, hug my W and son, tell her I love her and that it's going to be ok, and have a good cry together. Instead I'm sitting at home alone holding back tears. Everything seems so stupid and petty when you put in perspective like this.
I can push through this, and be strong. I'm a little worried, but she doesn't need to see or hear that. I'm here if she needs me, and I'll always be there for my son.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/02/16 05:07 PM
I know how you feel RSG. Keep doing what you're doing though. Right now it's her battle to fight through on her own. Be open to validating if she wants to give you more but right now resist the temptation to reach out.
I know you know all this. Just letting you know you're doing the right thing brother!
As a side note, you e inspired me to try my hand at cooking. Making some pasta and then making red potatoes with olive oil, salt, pepper, and Parmesan. Not very hard, but slowly working my way to more complicated stuff! Complete novice in the kitchen. Will let you know if I burn the house down!
I know you know all this. Just letting you know you're doing the right thing brother!
As a side note, you e inspired me to try my hand at cooking. Making some pasta and then making red potatoes with olive oil, salt, pepper, and Parmesan. Not very hard, but slowly working my way to more complicated stuff! Complete novice in the kitchen. Will let you know if I burn the house down!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/02/16 05:44 PM
I wanted to reach out numerous times tonight, but fought those urges. I'm going to see her tomorrow when I pick up S, so I'll see how she's doing.
Good for you for cooking! Doesn't have to be difficult, just have fun with it. The more you practice, the better you'll get and the more you'll enjoy putting something together.
Good for you for cooking! Doesn't have to be difficult, just have fun with it. The more you practice, the better you'll get and the more you'll enjoy putting something together.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/02/16 05:49 PM
When are you guys making me dinner?
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/03/16 02:04 PM
haha! Tonight I'm going to try some Kung Pao chicken. I'll let you guys know how it turns out.
So pickup today. At first she said 5, but then asked if I'd pick him up at 4 because her meds are wearing off. I said sure and her response was "OK, see you at 4 with Bubba!." She took him to the Dragoncon parade downtown, and she said he did ok. He and his clothes (those he's wearing and in his bag) smell like Chinese food and his sippy cup reeks. She told him "bye, I'll see you Tuesday!" as he got out of her car and then ran to her car while I buckled him in mine. She rolled up to me as I was walking back to my door and asked what we were doing this weekend. I said I didn't know, she said ok and sped off.
When she texts me, she uses all kinds of emotions. Exclamation points, emojis, happy and sad language. At dropoff, it's mainly emotionless which seems weird. Because it was literally a 1 minute dropoff, I text her after we got home and asked if she'd like to spend some time with him Monday since it was a holiday (not all 3 of us, just her and him). She said I'll let you know. I just said ok, have a good weekend.
She said yesterday she wanted to spend time with him, but after about 24 hours she's had her fill. She has said a couple times she would like to spend more time with him, but hasn't acted on that in the least. This bothers me very much. It makes me sad for my S, but it also pushes me towards D. Why? It feels like she's extricated herself not just from me, but from the family as a whole and doesn't want to parent. Sure, she'll ask all kinds of questions of me and says a little bit to his teachers. But I do 90% of the work. Very seldom does she say thank you for it either. I'm doing it for him, but you'd think his MOTHER would care.
Maybe this is part of her journey, I don't know. I could say more but I think you get the gist.
So pickup today. At first she said 5, but then asked if I'd pick him up at 4 because her meds are wearing off. I said sure and her response was "OK, see you at 4 with Bubba!." She took him to the Dragoncon parade downtown, and she said he did ok. He and his clothes (those he's wearing and in his bag) smell like Chinese food and his sippy cup reeks. She told him "bye, I'll see you Tuesday!" as he got out of her car and then ran to her car while I buckled him in mine. She rolled up to me as I was walking back to my door and asked what we were doing this weekend. I said I didn't know, she said ok and sped off.
When she texts me, she uses all kinds of emotions. Exclamation points, emojis, happy and sad language. At dropoff, it's mainly emotionless which seems weird. Because it was literally a 1 minute dropoff, I text her after we got home and asked if she'd like to spend some time with him Monday since it was a holiday (not all 3 of us, just her and him). She said I'll let you know. I just said ok, have a good weekend.
She said yesterday she wanted to spend time with him, but after about 24 hours she's had her fill. She has said a couple times she would like to spend more time with him, but hasn't acted on that in the least. This bothers me very much. It makes me sad for my S, but it also pushes me towards D. Why? It feels like she's extricated herself not just from me, but from the family as a whole and doesn't want to parent. Sure, she'll ask all kinds of questions of me and says a little bit to his teachers. But I do 90% of the work. Very seldom does she say thank you for it either. I'm doing it for him, but you'd think his MOTHER would care.
Maybe this is part of her journey, I don't know. I could say more but I think you get the gist.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/03/16 03:51 PM
I'm seeing the same behavior with my Ww. Selfishness comes with the territory.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/03/16 04:05 PM
Definitely common among WW's I see this very much day in and day out. I've risen in many respects to be the primary parent doing the majority of the work, organization, parenting etc. My D appreciates it and looks to me for the consistency and love.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/04/16 06:49 AM
Originally Posted By: PacLove
Definitely common among WW's I see this very much day in and day out. I've risen in many respects to be the primary parent doing the majority of the work, organization, parenting etc. My D appreciates it and looks to me for the consistency and love.
Good for you! Thanks for the reminder, you too Jug. I've known this of course, but I guess I just overestimated my W progress. It's unfortunate, but I'm being Daddy AND Mommy when he's at home. Irony: My W has started a mentoring program at the Church she goes to with her boss. She's committed to spending time with, and helping an "at risk child" but barely wants to see her own child. It's a joke.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/04/16 01:03 PM
A little update. All day, since he woke up this AM around 6:30 he has uttered the phrase "Mommy wants to hit" and it never made any sense to me. It's been nearly 50 times, and I had never heard it before. He said it a few more times after nap, when he was annoyed he didn't get what he wanted. Finally, I decided to text her because I was really confused.
She took it as I was accusing her of hitting him, and said that if she said that about me I would be complaining about what she was insinuating. I ignored that. We ended up getting to the bottom of it, he was garbling "Mommy doesn't like the hits." He's been hitting/slapping both of us, in the same way. Sometimes when angry, sometimes for no reason. I think he's acting out, W agreed. Although I didn't go further in explaining WHY he's acting out I think it's because he's confused. It's funny, W has mentioned numerous times just how much this little boy depends on stability. And didn't see any irony in the statement whatsoever.
She went on to say, paraphrasing, that whether we want to or not we're "in this together" to help him reach his potential. I ignored that too. What a joke. I do the work, I take care of him, I organize everything, I parent. She plays 6 days a week while I bust my ass being Mommy and Daddy.
Her language is very strange. I can't tell whether she's attacking me, or just trying to draw me into something. Ugh. She just wished us a "good afternoon" I said thanks and that was it....
She took it as I was accusing her of hitting him, and said that if she said that about me I would be complaining about what she was insinuating. I ignored that. We ended up getting to the bottom of it, he was garbling "Mommy doesn't like the hits." He's been hitting/slapping both of us, in the same way. Sometimes when angry, sometimes for no reason. I think he's acting out, W agreed. Although I didn't go further in explaining WHY he's acting out I think it's because he's confused. It's funny, W has mentioned numerous times just how much this little boy depends on stability. And didn't see any irony in the statement whatsoever.
She went on to say, paraphrasing, that whether we want to or not we're "in this together" to help him reach his potential. I ignored that too. What a joke. I do the work, I take care of him, I organize everything, I parent. She plays 6 days a week while I bust my ass being Mommy and Daddy.
Her language is very strange. I can't tell whether she's attacking me, or just trying to draw me into something. Ugh. She just wished us a "good afternoon" I said thanks and that was it....
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/04/16 02:00 PM
Whether it's an attack or she's trying to draw you in, probably best to let it roll of your back RSG. It sounds like your WW is hearing what she wants to hear, which is the most negative thing she can imagine. My W does this too and it can be frustrating. You're dealing with it the right way though. Just keep ignoring it and address it when necessary.
You are right though. You're an excellent dad and your S is lucky to have you brother! Keep it up!
By the way, making teriyaki salmon with snap peas this evening. Will let you know how it turns out!
You are right though. You're an excellent dad and your S is lucky to have you brother! Keep it up!
By the way, making teriyaki salmon with snap peas this evening. Will let you know how it turns out!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/04/16 03:36 PM
Thanks LT! It feels like, ever since I reported positive signs to my therapist, she's completely pulled back to selfish teenager. Frustrating indeed!!
S and I had a lazy day today, but I'm going to try to get out more tomorrow.
Not much of a fish fan, but teriyaki is good. I forgot to report on my Kung Pao. It was tasty, but I think I put in too much Hoisin sauce and it ended up being a little too sweet and not spicy enough. I'm going to have the rest for leftovers tonight.
As for you LT, after spinning your wheels and being confused for a while, you did an amazing job in your last encounter!!
S and I had a lazy day today, but I'm going to try to get out more tomorrow.
Not much of a fish fan, but teriyaki is good. I forgot to report on my Kung Pao. It was tasty, but I think I put in too much Hoisin sauce and it ended up being a little too sweet and not spicy enough. I'm going to have the rest for leftovers tonight.
As for you LT, after spinning your wheels and being confused for a while, you did an amazing job in your last encounter!!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/04/16 05:56 PM
It sounds like you are doing great. Their selfishness is something I just can't get my head around. My wh is the same as your wife- not very hands on re the childcare at all. It's hard because you feel the guilt for the child, we struggle to deal with these feelings, so I can't even imagine what these young children think about a parent that withdraws. My S isn't even comfortable in wh's company anymore, and while that hurts like hell, I know that it just means I need to stay focused and protect him the best I possibly can. It sounds like you're all over this and giving him lots of love and happy memories. You sound like an amazing dad!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/04/16 05:59 PM
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Originally Posted By: CT
But...if I was faced w/ Mach1's questions...my answer at this point of me would be that I do it for us. I do it for the real her, and, I do it for the real me. I do it for those two confused people who both have no idea wtf is happening. I do it b/c I am out and she is in, but we are both still looking at each other through bars.
Define.....us
Who is "us" right now CT...
What does "us" look like
I'm not saying that either of you is wrong or right with this...
I just really want you to understand what you are doing with this...
To me, it reads like it is a trick, or a ploy to lead them back to you. Like trying to bait a rabbit into a trap.
Silly Rabbit...tricks are for newbs....
Mach1 -
Again my apologies, I did not see this when it was posted and thank you pointing that out. RSG, not sure where this will post in your thread, sorry if it comes off like a hijack, just trying to catch what I missed in Mach1's post.
I should say that my wording above was poorly selected. I do not touch her "when I want", taken literally that gives the wrong impression. And by touch I am referring to a brief hand on the back or the arm, I do not stroke her hair back or something like that.I don't plan to touch her and I do not create moments to create the opportunity. Just when it feels appropriate.
Why I do it, she responds positively to it as a person. We do not speak on a deep level these days (although in the past week she has really started to express so very sad realizations about herself to me, I just try to listen). A light touch of the arm or a hand on the back as she vacates my front door has had good results in our communication. And from me, sometimes it helps to show I was paying attention.
First question "define us". As I wrote above, I used "us" to refer to the two people inside of her and I who still feel love and care for one another. The source of that love and care not as in not loss or longing, more as recognition for the damage done.
Who is us right now? There is no "us" right now. Her and I have a child together, her I have debt together, her and I have a history together, but her and I do not have an "us" together other than the "us" as I applied it above. We are two people on our individual journey's.
What does us look like? I am taking this as if you are asking how we behave around one another - is that what you meant? So above I mentioned for "the real me" and the "I am out". I am closer to me each day. Independent, focused, GAL's, etc. etc. I am out of the prison of the fog I was in. She is still inside her fog and will be for a long time. The real me is personable, compassionate, funny, and engaged. I had all of that stuff turned off completely to her (to myself at points). But as my understanding of this situation changed from her having an A to that of her being in a far deeper and darker place inside of herself, I allowed myself to give her some of that personality when appropriate, which from me includes some touches. Not get you into bed touches, but I'm learning to understand all of this touches - I'm alive and so are you touches. Those are primal levels of human expression and part of my personality.
Completely understand why you would say that it seems like a trick. I cannot speak for RSG, but of me, two months ago that would have been true. Thanks for poking this with a stick, saying things out loud does help in understanding.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/04/16 07:34 PM
Thank you Cherry!
I have the opposite issue of you. My little boy loves his Mommy dearly. And it seems like every time I ask her if she'd like to spend more time with him, she says no. Or, even when she DOES say she wants to keep him longer, she ends up asking me to pick him up at the usual time Saturday.
I'm sad for him, but I'm doing my best to create memories for him, help him with therapy, let him just chill out, etc etc. It's exhausting. I go, basically, 6 days a week from his wakeup around 6AM until around 8:45PM!!
I have the opposite issue of you. My little boy loves his Mommy dearly. And it seems like every time I ask her if she'd like to spend more time with him, she says no. Or, even when she DOES say she wants to keep him longer, she ends up asking me to pick him up at the usual time Saturday.
I'm sad for him, but I'm doing my best to create memories for him, help him with therapy, let him just chill out, etc etc. It's exhausting. I go, basically, 6 days a week from his wakeup around 6AM until around 8:45PM!!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/04/16 07:44 PM
Thanks RSG. It was a good step for me and im working to build off it. My newly found cooking skill led to some antics tonight but the food was delicious! I'll just tell my WW it was your idea and send her your way. Maybe a WW exchange program so we can all get an up close look at each other's fun!
I shudder at the thought!
I shudder at the thought!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/05/16 06:52 PM
Now that's scary LT!
Don't worry about the whining. You just continue doing you. Glad the grub turned out well!!
Had a good day with the little guy. He asked if he could write, and I got his little desk and let him practice writing as long as he wanted. He did numbers and letters for about 90 minutes, it was great. Nap time was tough as usual, but I got him down. After nap, I let him have a little iPad time and then we went to the pool. Of course he loved it, and once again one of the older kids told me he swam well and asked how old he was. The kid was beside himself when I said he'd be 4 next week! Got him to bed, now just rustling up some leftovers for supper.
As for the W, almost no communication today. The "I'll let you know (if I'd like to spend any time with S on a holiday" was for naught. She asked a little after noon what we were up to, then 30 mins later she asked if I'd let her know how is behavior was. After I ate lunch, walked the dog and finished getting S down to nap, I told her he fought at nap but otherwise was doing well. Around 7:30 she said "Tell S I love him and I'll pick him up tomorrow." Around 30 mins later I said ok. That was it.
Disappointed she didn't want to spend any time with him, but we had a great weekend. I'm ecstatic about how much he wanted to practice writing. He's not holding the pencil right, but he's doing ok. The desire is there, which is really the key at this point.
We'll see what tomorrow has in store!
Don't worry about the whining. You just continue doing you. Glad the grub turned out well!!
Had a good day with the little guy. He asked if he could write, and I got his little desk and let him practice writing as long as he wanted. He did numbers and letters for about 90 minutes, it was great. Nap time was tough as usual, but I got him down. After nap, I let him have a little iPad time and then we went to the pool. Of course he loved it, and once again one of the older kids told me he swam well and asked how old he was. The kid was beside himself when I said he'd be 4 next week! Got him to bed, now just rustling up some leftovers for supper.
As for the W, almost no communication today. The "I'll let you know (if I'd like to spend any time with S on a holiday" was for naught. She asked a little after noon what we were up to, then 30 mins later she asked if I'd let her know how is behavior was. After I ate lunch, walked the dog and finished getting S down to nap, I told her he fought at nap but otherwise was doing well. Around 7:30 she said "Tell S I love him and I'll pick him up tomorrow." Around 30 mins later I said ok. That was it.
Disappointed she didn't want to spend any time with him, but we had a great weekend. I'm ecstatic about how much he wanted to practice writing. He's not holding the pencil right, but he's doing ok. The desire is there, which is really the key at this point.
We'll see what tomorrow has in store!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/05/16 07:25 PM
Sounds like you had a great day! Truly detaching is not caring what w is doing. I know it's tough.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/06/16 10:17 AM
See, that's the rub though isn't it? I don't care WHAT she's doing. She could be putting trash between her legs, doing lessons, sitting at the pool. Doesn't matter. It's detrimental for my child when his Mother, who USED to be a helicopter Mom, has zero interest in interacting with him. He talks about her, misses her and loves her. It's just wrong to do this to him, and really bothers me.
So far no chatter for the day. I expect another 2 minute dropoff, although I've had a bad feeling about things the past few days but that could just be latent anger....
So far no chatter for the day. I expect another 2 minute dropoff, although I've had a bad feeling about things the past few days but that could just be latent anger....
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/06/16 02:51 PM
Well, I was right about the 2 minute dropoff. I went to get him out of her car, she said "I'll do it" got him out and as he ran to me she ran into her car. Sped off as I buckled him in. I sent a text asking if she had noticed his bear (his best friend for 3 yrs) is literally bursting from the seams. His face is torn open, and it's finally connected with his shoulder tear. She said no.....
Weird. This is the least we've ever communicated, because a slight mention from her of pinching his teacher and my asking about his teddy bear has been it for the day. I can sense the pursuit/distance thing, as it's making me want to reach out and ask about her. Funny thing is, she's distancing herself but I haven't pursued? I'm kinda having a bad feeling about "I think I've decided I want a divorce" is coming....
Weird. This is the least we've ever communicated, because a slight mention from her of pinching his teacher and my asking about his teddy bear has been it for the day. I can sense the pursuit/distance thing, as it's making me want to reach out and ask about her. Funny thing is, she's distancing herself but I haven't pursued? I'm kinda having a bad feeling about "I think I've decided I want a divorce" is coming....
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/06/16 04:50 PM
Rsg-
It [censored] that she doesn't care about your s but that behavior is common for ww's. As for telling you she wants a d, I got that last week - along with stating that she won't stop communication with OM. For what it's worth, I feel more detached than ever now. Hang in there.
It [censored] that she doesn't care about your s but that behavior is common for ww's. As for telling you she wants a d, I got that last week - along with stating that she won't stop communication with OM. For what it's worth, I feel more detached than ever now. Hang in there.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/07/16 10:28 AM
It's weird. Out of the blue she started texting me around lunch time (she doesn't take one btw) talking about S. Are you going to his school party? I'll give you his birthday shirt to wear! Laughing at little jokes about him (he's sweet and salty) etc. I wanted to ask "how are you" but figure I'll do that at dropoff if she doesn't run to her car again.
It's always talk about him. Lots of talk. But spends so little time, and doesn't express any remorse about the lack of time with him. I know I couldn't handle being around him as little as she is. I do enjoy all the time we spend together, he's fun and I'm ecstatic at his growth. I can't wait to give him his present this weekend, he's going to really enjoy the little (toddler) computer I got him.
It's always talk about him. Lots of talk. But spends so little time, and doesn't express any remorse about the lack of time with him. I know I couldn't handle being around him as little as she is. I do enjoy all the time we spend together, he's fun and I'm ecstatic at his growth. I can't wait to give him his present this weekend, he's going to really enjoy the little (toddler) computer I got him.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/07/16 10:45 AM
Is it weird? Thank about that. Is it really weird for her right now?
She is in a "fog"
She cares very much for your son, but doesn't know what she is really doing right now.
You read through my first situation like you said.
Not sure if you remember when my W disappeared for almost 10 days without seeing son. At that time I completely knew it wasn't the woman I fell I love with.
You know what, she actually brings that up. She says that she never would have done that and looking back on it that it makes her sick.
Its a long road. You just keep doing what you are doing.
Keep up the cooking!!!!
If it doesn't impress your W in the future I guarantee it will impress someone else:)
She is in a "fog"
She cares very much for your son, but doesn't know what she is really doing right now.
You read through my first situation like you said.
Not sure if you remember when my W disappeared for almost 10 days without seeing son. At that time I completely knew it wasn't the woman I fell I love with.
You know what, she actually brings that up. She says that she never would have done that and looking back on it that it makes her sick.
Its a long road. You just keep doing what you are doing.
Keep up the cooking!!!!
If it doesn't impress your W in the future I guarantee it will impress someone else:)
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/07/16 03:42 PM
Originally Posted By: cbtdad
Is it weird? Thank about that. Is it really weird for her right now?
She is in a "fog"
She cares very much for your son, but doesn't know what she is really doing right now.
You read through my first situation like you said.
Not sure if you remember when my W disappeared for almost 10 days without seeing son. At that time I completely knew it wasn't the woman I fell I love with.
You know what, she actually brings that up. She says that she never would have done that and looking back on it that it makes her sick.
Its a long road. You just keep doing what you are doing.
Keep up the cooking!!!!
If it doesn't impress your W in the future I guarantee it will impress someone else:)
She is in a "fog"
She cares very much for your son, but doesn't know what she is really doing right now.
You read through my first situation like you said.
Not sure if you remember when my W disappeared for almost 10 days without seeing son. At that time I completely knew it wasn't the woman I fell I love with.
You know what, she actually brings that up. She says that she never would have done that and looking back on it that it makes her sick.
Its a long road. You just keep doing what you are doing.
Keep up the cooking!!!!
If it doesn't impress your W in the future I guarantee it will impress someone else:)
I get what you're saying. I guess I just thought she was out of the fog already. I do remember the 10 days thing now that I think about it. She does care for him, as evidenced by another addition to the weirdness. After days of veritable silence, boom another 15 minute chat at dropoff. She started mainly on the little party we're having at school for him Fri, and seemed pleased I'm planning on coming. She asked me to bring some juice boxes and veggie straws for the kids, and she let him pick out cupcakes. Then she went on about her surgery, noting they haven't told her what day but that the nurse said the sooner the better. If untreated, it could become cancerous w/i a few years. She mentioned having little guy last Fri, when she got lowdown on the procedure, really helped her. I know what that feels like ha.
She kept going on about her insurance, the cost, the size of the tumor, etc. I asked her how she's doing "I feel great..." and told her my folks were thinking about her. "Oh, I guess you can't hate someone if you think they're dying..." She was annoyed the city hasn't gotten back to me about his evaluation, and asked me to call about the status on Friday. She said bye, seemed like she was in a decent mood.
She's going to get him pizza Saturday for his birthday, and take him to a bakery. Her parents will be here too.
So, hot and cold continues.
Pros: Heavily involved w/S birthday
In good spirits re surgery
Spoke to me in a normal way
Seemed very open and honest
Cons: Doesn't want to keep S for his entire birthday, wants to dropoff around 4 as usual. (Def pro for me though!)
Continues w/her story that my parents hate her (I have asked, before she left AND after. They do not. They are cautious, but would prefer us work on our marriage.)
Bought him cupcakes, when she USED to love nothing more than to bake a healthy treat for him and his class.
Still won't thank me for any of my work re therapy for S
Hair was a fresh blue/gray again lol
CBT, I'm def keeping up with the cooking! I'm headed to the store tomorrow, and will grab the stuff I need to make these Chili Lime chicken burgers. The recipe uses guacamole, but I'm not really a fan so I'm going to substitute salsa verde. Looking forward to em! I'm a novice in the kitchen, but I'm enjoying it and getting better every time!!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/08/16 06:53 PM
So, the W and I actually talked a lot today. Of course, it all started with a ring from school when the little guy put a kid in a headlock! We talked about his behavior via phone and text. After we kind of got a plan together about that, things died down. Dropoff was a couple minutes, but we eventually traded texts about his school party tomorrow. Also, we got the notice today from the city that he's getting his evaluation on 9/19 at 12:30. She said she wants to come. I'm definitely going to be there, and if she doesn't come to this one I'm going to have to call her out.
I still notice how much she depends on me when talking about his education, growth and development. Also, one thing that bothered me....I said "I'm really busting my butt to make sure he gets all the help he needs." (Talking about therapy) She said "I know you are, we both are." Well, maybe from her POV but not from an objective one and certainly not from mine. But, I just said I appreciate your hard work and encouragement. I know openly questioning her parenting will push me further from my goals, and she DID give me a compliment.....
Also, did a good job of validating when we talked about his behavior this afternoon. "I'm just really stressed out. Work is stressful, S is stressful, etc (but didn't mention her health)" and I just said "Yeah, I bet it really is tough with everything going on." It's starting to feel more natural, which I know is a definite positive.
I still notice how much she depends on me when talking about his education, growth and development. Also, one thing that bothered me....I said "I'm really busting my butt to make sure he gets all the help he needs." (Talking about therapy) She said "I know you are, we both are." Well, maybe from her POV but not from an objective one and certainly not from mine. But, I just said I appreciate your hard work and encouragement. I know openly questioning her parenting will push me further from my goals, and she DID give me a compliment.....
Also, did a good job of validating when we talked about his behavior this afternoon. "I'm just really stressed out. Work is stressful, S is stressful, etc (but didn't mention her health)" and I just said "Yeah, I bet it really is tough with everything going on." It's starting to feel more natural, which I know is a definite positive.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/08/16 07:54 PM
Glad you guys are talking.
Why did s put someone in a headlock? Some people do need to be put in one and a headlock in itself is not as bad as some other holds...
Why did s put someone in a headlock? Some people do need to be put in one and a headlock in itself is not as bad as some other holds...
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/09/16 01:00 PM
Haha. Actually, when his teacher and I spoke it was more like he was hugging the kid. He's just now learning how to show affection to other kids, and it still comes out inappropriately. He'll even do it to me sometimes, where I bend down on his level and he'll give my throat a bear hug lol.
Well, birthday at the preschool was today. Had a text exchange this morning, she wanted a picture of all 3 of use and I objected saying family pictures are inappropriate. She hit me back with a barrage about how it's for HIM, we don't need to talk about it anymore, we're both busy at work, see you this PM, etc. I just said ok.
Meet her at the school. She's pretty pleasant, but when we get into his room I feel like I'm even taking a bigger role in setting up the party than usual. Once, when S was getting a little cranky, I tried to hug him, kiss him, etc and asked him to stay in his chair she walked by and said "H, stop, just let him go" like I was harming him.
Also, she asked the teacher to take a picture of all of us. I just went with it. She holds S in such a way that the ONLY way I can participate and not look silly is to have my arm around both of them. I put my arm around him, touch her shoulder and she says "You don't have to touch me, here I'll move him" and puts him in such a way where I'm crouching awkwardly.
Generally she was pleasant. I kept things pretty friendly, didn't hover and made sure to make it about S and let W do her own thing. She looked pretty good in jeans, with more new shoes. She did eventually comment that I wore the same shirt to his birthday 4 yrs in a row. I couldn't help but chuckle, I did do that on purpose. For my boy.
Overall, it wasn't awkward but I can tell she has more work to do for me to really buy in. I'm working really hard not to judge, question things like "When'd you get those shoes?" "Why that hair color?" and so on, be forceful in the way I talk to her. She still treats me roughly the same, especially in front of other people. One on one, she's gotten softer and will have a real discussion. In public, she tries to make things look normal, tries to take charge, tell me what to do, etc. The latter two are things that really took hold when she started going rogue and I just abhor them.
A good birthday for the little guy, which is the most important thing. Someone must be feeding him cupcakes, because he snarfed down 2 in a couple minutes. They were minis, but still....he's never been a sugar kid!
I didn't force any talk, that would've been dumb. I didn't address the family stuff or anything else. We did interact ok, shared some little jokes and got along ok overall. I can see there is still a "more than parents" connection, but I think we've both got protective walls built up pretty high.
CBT, you're right. I think she's still finding her way through the fog. It goes from thin layers to pea soup, but it's still there. When I would talk to his teacher about S I would always use "I" whereas when she'd interject she'd say "We." She does like to use what I refer to as a euphemism in "Co-parenting" but sometimes it feels forced, like she just doesn't want to acknowledge all that I'm doing. It is still all about her. Her wants. Her needs. Her this her that. It's 3.5 months which I know sounds like a little to so many on here, but I feel like I'm moving in a general upward trajectory. Like the stock market. Her? All over creation. Does that illustrate she's still trying to figure things out? I'm not sure, but it would appear that way....
Well, birthday at the preschool was today. Had a text exchange this morning, she wanted a picture of all 3 of use and I objected saying family pictures are inappropriate. She hit me back with a barrage about how it's for HIM, we don't need to talk about it anymore, we're both busy at work, see you this PM, etc. I just said ok.
Meet her at the school. She's pretty pleasant, but when we get into his room I feel like I'm even taking a bigger role in setting up the party than usual. Once, when S was getting a little cranky, I tried to hug him, kiss him, etc and asked him to stay in his chair she walked by and said "H, stop, just let him go" like I was harming him.
Also, she asked the teacher to take a picture of all of us. I just went with it. She holds S in such a way that the ONLY way I can participate and not look silly is to have my arm around both of them. I put my arm around him, touch her shoulder and she says "You don't have to touch me, here I'll move him" and puts him in such a way where I'm crouching awkwardly.
Generally she was pleasant. I kept things pretty friendly, didn't hover and made sure to make it about S and let W do her own thing. She looked pretty good in jeans, with more new shoes. She did eventually comment that I wore the same shirt to his birthday 4 yrs in a row. I couldn't help but chuckle, I did do that on purpose. For my boy.
Overall, it wasn't awkward but I can tell she has more work to do for me to really buy in. I'm working really hard not to judge, question things like "When'd you get those shoes?" "Why that hair color?" and so on, be forceful in the way I talk to her. She still treats me roughly the same, especially in front of other people. One on one, she's gotten softer and will have a real discussion. In public, she tries to make things look normal, tries to take charge, tell me what to do, etc. The latter two are things that really took hold when she started going rogue and I just abhor them.
A good birthday for the little guy, which is the most important thing. Someone must be feeding him cupcakes, because he snarfed down 2 in a couple minutes. They were minis, but still....he's never been a sugar kid!
I didn't force any talk, that would've been dumb. I didn't address the family stuff or anything else. We did interact ok, shared some little jokes and got along ok overall. I can see there is still a "more than parents" connection, but I think we've both got protective walls built up pretty high.
CBT, you're right. I think she's still finding her way through the fog. It goes from thin layers to pea soup, but it's still there. When I would talk to his teacher about S I would always use "I" whereas when she'd interject she'd say "We." She does like to use what I refer to as a euphemism in "Co-parenting" but sometimes it feels forced, like she just doesn't want to acknowledge all that I'm doing. It is still all about her. Her wants. Her needs. Her this her that. It's 3.5 months which I know sounds like a little to so many on here, but I feel like I'm moving in a general upward trajectory. Like the stock market. Her? All over creation. Does that illustrate she's still trying to figure things out? I'm not sure, but it would appear that way....
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/09/16 06:15 PM
Hey RSG, just wanted to let you know I'm still here watching (and learning now) your sitch, just don't often find that much needs to be said... Your working the process, and handling yourself well.
I don't like the position your wife put you in with the family pic, but you gotta pick your battles and that wouldn't of been a good place to have one, but something inside me says that you should let her know to never do that again, that when you say no to something you will not tolerate her manipulating you. But, probably not a big deal if you don't feel like it's worth it, I just don't like when my w would do things like that.
I don't like the position your wife put you in with the family pic, but you gotta pick your battles and that wouldn't of been a good place to have one, but something inside me says that you should let her know to never do that again, that when you say no to something you will not tolerate her manipulating you. But, probably not a big deal if you don't feel like it's worth it, I just don't like when my w would do things like that.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/10/16 05:51 PM
Originally Posted By: Coconut
Hey RSG, just wanted to let you know I'm still here watching (and learning now) your sitch, just don't often find that much needs to be said... Your working the process, and handling yourself well.
I don't like the position your wife put you in with the family pic, but you gotta pick your battles and that wouldn't of been a good place to have one, but something inside me says that you should let her know to never do that again, that when you say no to something you will not tolerate her manipulating you. But, probably not a big deal if you don't feel like it's worth it, I just don't like when my w would do things like that.
I don't like the position your wife put you in with the family pic, but you gotta pick your battles and that wouldn't of been a good place to have one, but something inside me says that you should let her know to never do that again, that when you say no to something you will not tolerate her manipulating you. But, probably not a big deal if you don't feel like it's worth it, I just don't like when my w would do things like that.
I appreciate it! It feels like I'm wavering and just feeling my way but I guess it's just time for patience really.
As for the family picture, and other little moments. I did give her a glare 3 or 4 times, and they were noticed. When I put S in the car after it was over, I talked to her about the incident where she said "just leave him." I had mentioned in passing he was cranky because he just woke up from nap, but she noted (w/o my knowledge) she had told him to wait to eat his cupcake until the other kids were served. My response was something like, ok but why couldn't you just tell me that? She apologized and said she didn't realize...
Today. Little guy's birthday!! She sent me a few pictures. He got some Starbucks bread, ate some pizza, played at an indoor bounce house and I think went to the pool. When I picked him up he was exhausted, so I just let him play on the iPad for a little bit and after I took it away he wanted to write his numbers a little. He got really cranky as he had no nap, but once settled and with some milk he went right to sleep! Some tears came out this afternoon as she sent me pictures, just angry that he couldn't enjoy his birthday with his family because his Mom is being selfish and ugly. Just a sad realization, but only a rough 5-10 minutes.
I had a little binge of Stranger Things on Netflix, I really like it! Also, before I picked up little guy I stopped by the library and got Gottman's 7 principles. I was disappointed at dropoff that W said a couple things about his day, and seemed to be in a rush to leave. As if she had her fill and was ready to Dump and Run. Sad.
I'm so proud of my little 4 year old. I can't wait to celebrate with him tomorrow.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/10/16 07:22 PM
Happy Birthday to your son RSG!
Sorry I haven't been in your thread in a few days. Sounds like some small issues with your W around the family picture, though it does highlight she cares enough to want a picture of y'all. When we were at the beach in early August and at the aquarium the employees there tried to get us to take a family photo (so they could have us buy it later). W must have told them 10 times we were not interested. Was brutal. Even though the way she did it was wrong, It may be a good sign that she pushed for it. Just a quick thought.
Regardless, you're doing well with DB and as a dad. I'll echo everything coconut said above as well. You have a great handle on this stuff!
Enjoy your son tomorrow brother!
Sorry I haven't been in your thread in a few days. Sounds like some small issues with your W around the family picture, though it does highlight she cares enough to want a picture of y'all. When we were at the beach in early August and at the aquarium the employees there tried to get us to take a family photo (so they could have us buy it later). W must have told them 10 times we were not interested. Was brutal. Even though the way she did it was wrong, It may be a good sign that she pushed for it. Just a quick thought.
Regardless, you're doing well with DB and as a dad. I'll echo everything coconut said above as well. You have a great handle on this stuff!
Enjoy your son tomorrow brother!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/11/16 07:30 AM
LT thanks. No worries, you have a lot on your plate and are doing a pretty good job. Just remember, your child comes first and don't tell your W sorry!! I hate reading about the picture scenario of your W though, just wrong.
I did kind of wander over into "why does she want a picture?" territory. She said it was for S, shot down any discussion and then at the party asked the teacher to take it. She then asked if I was going to post it, and I am. In a birthday barrage of pictures on Facebook! If I had to place stock in it, I'd call it a penny stock. Buy it, put it away and see if it becomes anything. It's kind of part of the "it's obvious we're more than just parents" thing I recognized, but as I also noted....we BOTH have big walls built up. I know some of the things I need to see before my walls come down. Increased time with S being paramount. Also, stop telling me what to do, speaking to me in a respectful manner as much as possible, not taking advantage of me or situations, opening up more, being interested more in me, etc.
Those are just a start, but you've got to start at the bottom really. Also, I kind of made a decision about the tattoo. This weekend was the perfect time to get it, but I've decided to wait. For 2 reasons: First, if we decide to reconcile we'll both look at it and remember the separation. Secondly, my W likes tattoos and is experienced with them. Perhaps my getting one, and her going, could be something we re-bond with. Just a couple thoughts.
Looking forward to the rest of the day with my boy!!!
I did kind of wander over into "why does she want a picture?" territory. She said it was for S, shot down any discussion and then at the party asked the teacher to take it. She then asked if I was going to post it, and I am. In a birthday barrage of pictures on Facebook! If I had to place stock in it, I'd call it a penny stock. Buy it, put it away and see if it becomes anything. It's kind of part of the "it's obvious we're more than just parents" thing I recognized, but as I also noted....we BOTH have big walls built up. I know some of the things I need to see before my walls come down. Increased time with S being paramount. Also, stop telling me what to do, speaking to me in a respectful manner as much as possible, not taking advantage of me or situations, opening up more, being interested more in me, etc.
Those are just a start, but you've got to start at the bottom really. Also, I kind of made a decision about the tattoo. This weekend was the perfect time to get it, but I've decided to wait. For 2 reasons: First, if we decide to reconcile we'll both look at it and remember the separation. Secondly, my W likes tattoos and is experienced with them. Perhaps my getting one, and her going, could be something we re-bond with. Just a couple thoughts.
Looking forward to the rest of the day with my boy!!!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/11/16 02:04 PM
RSG, I am still here, still reading, have not had too much time for commenting like I used to. I'll be brief, you have a celebration day! Love to your son, mine turns 5 next Saturday. Also, being here with your w/our stuff at the same time, I am so proud of how well defined you are. Great work you friend.
- you self identified a question I was going to ask about the walls I interpreted, but you have a plan and it involves knowing what you want out of this. Exemplary.
- I think my jury is still out on the family picture. If it really was for your son, I get it. We all did one on his first day of school. We were not touching, but I was cool with it for him. I looked at it once to see if it came out blurry or not, sent her a copy, and that was last I looked at it. Also, I have no pics of her in my place that are not boxed or in a hard drive. My son asked for a picture of "you and mommy" to go in his room. I dug one out and obliged him. I'm not certain how I feel on it, but it made him happy and his room is his space.
- tattoos are the ultimate "for you" item. It could be bonding for you two, but I find it to be a very personal experience, if you want her in on that than she should know that her presence means something to you as well. She may already get that since she has a few. So just some food for thought. remember what I suggested about the MT Dew to drink while it's on, that overloaded sugar nightmare will keep your body in check when it is telling you to pass out.
- you self identified a question I was going to ask about the walls I interpreted, but you have a plan and it involves knowing what you want out of this. Exemplary.
- I think my jury is still out on the family picture. If it really was for your son, I get it. We all did one on his first day of school. We were not touching, but I was cool with it for him. I looked at it once to see if it came out blurry or not, sent her a copy, and that was last I looked at it. Also, I have no pics of her in my place that are not boxed or in a hard drive. My son asked for a picture of "you and mommy" to go in his room. I dug one out and obliged him. I'm not certain how I feel on it, but it made him happy and his room is his space.
- tattoos are the ultimate "for you" item. It could be bonding for you two, but I find it to be a very personal experience, if you want her in on that than she should know that her presence means something to you as well. She may already get that since she has a few. So just some food for thought. remember what I suggested about the MT Dew to drink while it's on, that overloaded sugar nightmare will keep your body in check when it is telling you to pass out.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/11/16 02:24 PM
RSG, I agree with CT on the pic thing. It's a personal choice, but hat you need to ask your self is you won't do a family pic because you want to show her you aren't a family, or have you thought maybe it would be a nice thing for S?
My ex and I take a pic together with her on her bday. Since her 3rd birthday we made the decision it was just going to be the 3 of us On her actual birthday. That is not for everyone. But it took us 2 of her birthdays to get there. We were separated before her first birthday.
My D also asked for a pic of the 3 of us framed in her room. In the 6 months of her life we were together we had professional pics done. She has it in her room.
You are a great dad an it really does take some time to learn to toe the line from feeling like you are giving your ex what she wants vs. thinking about what might benefit the kid the most. I know it took me a while.
my D turns 9 on tuesday. Virgos all over the place!
My ex and I take a pic together with her on her bday. Since her 3rd birthday we made the decision it was just going to be the 3 of us On her actual birthday. That is not for everyone. But it took us 2 of her birthdays to get there. We were separated before her first birthday.
My D also asked for a pic of the 3 of us framed in her room. In the 6 months of her life we were together we had professional pics done. She has it in her room.
You are a great dad an it really does take some time to learn to toe the line from feeling like you are giving your ex what she wants vs. thinking about what might benefit the kid the most. I know it took me a while.
my D turns 9 on tuesday. Virgos all over the place!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/11/16 02:32 PM
Oh, and right before the separation my x and I went tattoo shopping together because we were going to get D's name and birthday. Then he bomb dropped.
He did eventually get his. On his honeymoon with OW.
I still am getting mine, but it's my D who I'm going to bring with me. I understand. It a ting it linked to the separation, but I don't know if I would link it to her and separation. Make it about you!
He did eventually get his. On his honeymoon with OW.
I still am getting mine, but it's my D who I'm going to bring with me. I understand. It a ting it linked to the separation, but I don't know if I would link it to her and separation. Make it about you!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/11/16 02:34 PM
Stupid I pad.
"I understand not wanting it linked to separation. But I don't know if I would link it to reconciliation either"
"I understand not wanting it linked to separation. But I don't know if I would link it to reconciliation either"
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/11/16 03:53 PM
Quote:
I know some of the things I need to see before my walls come down. Increased time with S being paramount. Also, stop telling me what to do, speaking to me in a respectful manner as much as possible, not taking advantage of me or situations, opening up more, being interested more in me, etc.
Well I sound like a nagging W when I remind you that she is not going to stop treating you that way..........until you show her she can't get away with it.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/11/16 04:50 PM
Hahaha, Ginger! I hate typing here on my iPad too.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/11/16 06:23 PM
Wow, just when you thought you weren't getting many responses lol!
Let me address these individually.
Sandi, I always appreciate the reminders. Being treated with respect has probably been the #1 thing I focused on after reading your rules and WW notes. There's no outright, blatant disrespect these days. When I feel slighted I make it known in a non verbal manner, and when I feel it demands calm but determined confrontation I do that. I'm definitely never going to be a doormat again.
CT, I have a few pictures of her in the house but they're with all 3 of us or just S. On the fridge. They don't freak me out. If anything, they remind me of who my W really is and to try not to stay angry but to be a lighthouse for her.
Tattoo. I am waiting for ME. I know I'd look at it and think of the separation if reconciliation were to happen. If/when D happens, my son will be even more important to me (if that's possible lol) and will be a reminder of who I am living my life for. I think it could be fun for W to go and support me if we are reconnecting, but that's a secondary thing for sure. Haha, thanks for the advice re Mtn Dew CT I'll have to remember that.
Family picture. My S is just too immature to appreciate a picture of his parents together. So, for now, I feel it's best to do as little as possible. Ginger, thanks for bringing it up though. If my boy does eventually ASK for us to get a picture together, I don't think I could refuse that.
Walls. It is something I've realized as time has gone on. I have QUICKLY put up my own walls. Hers may be coming down by a few inches, but mine certainly haven't. I'm protecting my feelings, and paying very close attention to things. I'm not being extra sensitive, but I'm learning to wait until some word or action is consistent before I accept it. My wounds are healing, but the last thing I want is for a newly formed scab to come bursting open.
As for today, it was amazing! Little guy had a great time with his Nana and Papa. He was well behaved, had a lot of fun, was very affectionate, talkative and just plain happy. I let him have some cookie cake, and he got a little sugar high, but it actually wasn't bad. Then, my Dad brought home some grub for my brother who was also there, and got a little snack for S. Kid ate 4 boneless wings, 2 pieces of buttered toast and a few fries! He got some great presents, both fun and educational. And he loves the little computer I got him. We came home, sweetie pie got to sleep in about 30 minutes. It was a great day. W would have loved it. Too bad, her poor choice!!
Let me address these individually.
Sandi, I always appreciate the reminders. Being treated with respect has probably been the #1 thing I focused on after reading your rules and WW notes. There's no outright, blatant disrespect these days. When I feel slighted I make it known in a non verbal manner, and when I feel it demands calm but determined confrontation I do that. I'm definitely never going to be a doormat again.
CT, I have a few pictures of her in the house but they're with all 3 of us or just S. On the fridge. They don't freak me out. If anything, they remind me of who my W really is and to try not to stay angry but to be a lighthouse for her.
Tattoo. I am waiting for ME. I know I'd look at it and think of the separation if reconciliation were to happen. If/when D happens, my son will be even more important to me (if that's possible lol) and will be a reminder of who I am living my life for. I think it could be fun for W to go and support me if we are reconnecting, but that's a secondary thing for sure. Haha, thanks for the advice re Mtn Dew CT I'll have to remember that.
Family picture. My S is just too immature to appreciate a picture of his parents together. So, for now, I feel it's best to do as little as possible. Ginger, thanks for bringing it up though. If my boy does eventually ASK for us to get a picture together, I don't think I could refuse that.
Walls. It is something I've realized as time has gone on. I have QUICKLY put up my own walls. Hers may be coming down by a few inches, but mine certainly haven't. I'm protecting my feelings, and paying very close attention to things. I'm not being extra sensitive, but I'm learning to wait until some word or action is consistent before I accept it. My wounds are healing, but the last thing I want is for a newly formed scab to come bursting open.
As for today, it was amazing! Little guy had a great time with his Nana and Papa. He was well behaved, had a lot of fun, was very affectionate, talkative and just plain happy. I let him have some cookie cake, and he got a little sugar high, but it actually wasn't bad. Then, my Dad brought home some grub for my brother who was also there, and got a little snack for S. Kid ate 4 boneless wings, 2 pieces of buttered toast and a few fries! He got some great presents, both fun and educational. And he loves the little computer I got him. We came home, sweetie pie got to sleep in about 30 minutes. It was a great day. W would have loved it. Too bad, her poor choice!!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/12/16 06:12 PM
Well, we did text a bit this evening. About the cost of her surgery, about Little Guy's hitting and pinching phenomenon (it is getting better) and that she's keeping him tomorrow until 7. She always seems to know when my counseling is lol.
A couple thoughts today: She seems to be back on the "S deserves 2 happy parents" narrative, but "happy" is only according to her definition. There is little to no thought to what happiness means to me. And I'm not even talking about marriage....
She doesn't want to stick around and chat for the most part at drop off. If I have a legitimate question, I have to text because she jets off and I'm not chasing her down. She usually answers texts relatively quickly. This seems to mirror how she feels about S. She has her fill of him and is done parenting, but will always express love for him and always wants to know how he's doing.
Speculation: First, this might sounds nuts but I thought about it the other day. Could it be possible she has an ulterior motive in wanting me to take care of S the vast majority of the time? As in, keeping me from going out much and being noticed? Hmm.
Two, when I told my best friend she had different color hair weekly he said "Isn't that what women do in a crisis?" He's more experienced with women than I am so I didn't really know, but it seemed logical to me. Couple that with the fact her narrative seems to change tells me he might be right. She doesn't seem to know what she wants or which direction she wants to go. (Today it was literally blue/green btw)
I guess what I'm noticing is why it's so important to not be so up and down WITH them. I'm trying to be the lighthouse for her, but so far she hasn't really come to me as anything other than a parent. Incidentally, I saw on Facebook that the "Only believe 50% of what you see and none of what you hear" quote attributed to Edgar Allan Poe!
Not much going on, just thought I'd throw a few things out there I've been thinking about and have noticed....
A couple thoughts today: She seems to be back on the "S deserves 2 happy parents" narrative, but "happy" is only according to her definition. There is little to no thought to what happiness means to me. And I'm not even talking about marriage....
She doesn't want to stick around and chat for the most part at drop off. If I have a legitimate question, I have to text because she jets off and I'm not chasing her down. She usually answers texts relatively quickly. This seems to mirror how she feels about S. She has her fill of him and is done parenting, but will always express love for him and always wants to know how he's doing.
Speculation: First, this might sounds nuts but I thought about it the other day. Could it be possible she has an ulterior motive in wanting me to take care of S the vast majority of the time? As in, keeping me from going out much and being noticed? Hmm.
Two, when I told my best friend she had different color hair weekly he said "Isn't that what women do in a crisis?" He's more experienced with women than I am so I didn't really know, but it seemed logical to me. Couple that with the fact her narrative seems to change tells me he might be right. She doesn't seem to know what she wants or which direction she wants to go. (Today it was literally blue/green btw)
I guess what I'm noticing is why it's so important to not be so up and down WITH them. I'm trying to be the lighthouse for her, but so far she hasn't really come to me as anything other than a parent. Incidentally, I saw on Facebook that the "Only believe 50% of what you see and none of what you hear" quote attributed to Edgar Allan Poe!
Not much going on, just thought I'd throw a few things out there I've been thinking about and have noticed....
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/12/16 06:44 PM
Maybe change things up a bit. At the next drop off dress like your going out on a date with some new cologne. If she asks just say you met some friends or something. No details. Just leave it to her imagination. Give her a reason to think you are not going to wait for her and be available.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/12/16 07:28 PM
Logistics won't really make that scenario work, but I'm trying to work something out with my best friend for Saturday night. Rather than text, I'll ask her to keep S in person and when asked just keep it vague as you mention....
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/13/16 09:28 AM
be careful with trying to do things to get a reaction. If you're really living your life, improving yourself and being a better person, it will be noticed. Don't try and create scenarios to get a reaction, it's fake and will likely be seen that way, and it's the long term consistent changes that make a difference.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/13/16 09:34 AM
I completely agree with Cnut. It's long lasting changes that you rally want for yourself that make them think twice. Just keep working on being the best you. I think you are noticing things a lot better now and how this can be a roller coaster ride with the stage you are in. It's her emotions and her not knowing what she wants is what causes that. Just continue to control you and the actions that you can
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/13/16 10:24 AM
I see what you guys are saying, I guess that is a little too much like throwing out the dancing bear and seeing how she reacts to the show lol.
I guess it's just being in this stage where it feels like nothing is happening that makes me want to see a reaction here and there. I am definitely continuing to work on me, for me. I think after I put the little guy down tonight I'm going to start reading Gottman.
I do believe I'm able to read things better than ever now. I wish she'd open up a little because it is frustrating feeling like things are so tepid, but I guess that's just part of her journey.
Thanks for the reassurance guys. And to make sure my boat stays on course and out of the waves!
I guess it's just being in this stage where it feels like nothing is happening that makes me want to see a reaction here and there. I am definitely continuing to work on me, for me. I think after I put the little guy down tonight I'm going to start reading Gottman.
I do believe I'm able to read things better than ever now. I wish she'd open up a little because it is frustrating feeling like things are so tepid, but I guess that's just part of her journey.
Thanks for the reassurance guys. And to make sure my boat stays on course and out of the waves!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/13/16 06:50 PM
Well, it's been a weird day. No communication until she sent a text while I was in counseling about when/where we were meeting for drop off. I mentioned I was just leaving counseling I said "hope you guys had fun." Then, when I arrived around 7 she was getting on me because he woke up at 4:30 and I didn't put him back down to sleep even though he has to wakeup at 6 so we can get going for school. We were talking while she was in the car, and in mid conversation turns, puts headphones in says "alright" and jets off.
So, after we got home I text and said "Was there a problem with him today?" expecting the freak out to be because he acted up or had a problem. Nope, just that he was tired and was still napping at 3 when she picked him up. She said why did you ask that, and I responded "I asked if you guys had fun and you didn't respond, and you seemed irritated at drop off." A few minutes later "He's in the newsletter." She said they had a good night just laughing and tickling, she wasn't agitated, asked me to kiss him goodnight and would check the newsletter. I said "OK, I will. Hope you had a good day." Nothing....
Very strange.
Counseling went well. She still thinks I'm doing well, and asked me what I thought my walls meant and what I could do to get them to come down. I told her I thought it was W job to get my walls down, because I had put them up to guard my feelings. I told her about what happened with the birthday weekend, and what that might mean. We came back to that when I mentioned she changes her hair color weekly, seems to change her narrative, and goes hot and cold periodically. Her woman's perspective was that it does sound like she's searching for something, but really hasn't figured out much if anything. She changes her hairstyle, because it's something she control and her moods are in such flux.
It sounds like my job right now, as difficult as it sounds, is to be a lighthouse. She just noted I need to try to be as patient as possible, because if I pry and probe too much while she's in this stage she may shut down or prematurely determine that I (and our family) ARE in fact why she's unhappy.
We talked about my boundaries, and she was very pleased with how I enforce them. Also, that my validation, listening and communication skills continue to improve and are becoming more natural.
I always come back from counseling in a good mood, but W was so weird tonight. Then, S had such a difficult time getting to bed....not feeling so great now. W is kind of indicating she doesn't want to talk, so I'm not going to push it. She's on her journey. My Mr Fix It is really coming out because I want to help, but I know that will likely end pushing her away.....
So, after we got home I text and said "Was there a problem with him today?" expecting the freak out to be because he acted up or had a problem. Nope, just that he was tired and was still napping at 3 when she picked him up. She said why did you ask that, and I responded "I asked if you guys had fun and you didn't respond, and you seemed irritated at drop off." A few minutes later "He's in the newsletter." She said they had a good night just laughing and tickling, she wasn't agitated, asked me to kiss him goodnight and would check the newsletter. I said "OK, I will. Hope you had a good day." Nothing....
Very strange.
Counseling went well. She still thinks I'm doing well, and asked me what I thought my walls meant and what I could do to get them to come down. I told her I thought it was W job to get my walls down, because I had put them up to guard my feelings. I told her about what happened with the birthday weekend, and what that might mean. We came back to that when I mentioned she changes her hair color weekly, seems to change her narrative, and goes hot and cold periodically. Her woman's perspective was that it does sound like she's searching for something, but really hasn't figured out much if anything. She changes her hairstyle, because it's something she control and her moods are in such flux.
It sounds like my job right now, as difficult as it sounds, is to be a lighthouse. She just noted I need to try to be as patient as possible, because if I pry and probe too much while she's in this stage she may shut down or prematurely determine that I (and our family) ARE in fact why she's unhappy.
We talked about my boundaries, and she was very pleased with how I enforce them. Also, that my validation, listening and communication skills continue to improve and are becoming more natural.
I always come back from counseling in a good mood, but W was so weird tonight. Then, S had such a difficult time getting to bed....not feeling so great now. W is kind of indicating she doesn't want to talk, so I'm not going to push it. She's on her journey. My Mr Fix It is really coming out because I want to help, but I know that will likely end pushing her away.....
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/14/16 09:47 AM
Something else my therapist said was every once in a while, maybe instigate a non-S conversation. So, I just asked "How's your day going." That petered out really quickly, lasting a couple texts so I just let it die rather than forcing conversation. Actually, when I asked she responded with "are you ok?" a couple times. She also sent me a text meant for someone else and said "oops wrong friend lol." Yuck.
Feeling like she's drifting further away as she's never been this quiet. Oh me oh my....
Feeling like she's drifting further away as she's never been this quiet. Oh me oh my....
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/14/16 10:06 AM
I find something very interesting here. It's classis pursuer distance. For a while there you wanted her to back out of your personal life and not have her come to you for hers. You felt you were getting entirely too many texts a day and were holding off on answering them.
Well now she has gone quiet, tried asking about her day, that didn't lead to a big convo and you feel you are drifting farther apart.
Looks like roles have reversed, huh?
Best way to handle this? Stop doing things for reaction. Do things for you. let whatever comes naturally come naturally. Don't worry about her lack of response or over response. Well, you can think about it, because I know you will, we all do, but don't try to alter it.
Just do your thing.
Well now she has gone quiet, tried asking about her day, that didn't lead to a big convo and you feel you are drifting farther apart.
Looks like roles have reversed, huh?
Best way to handle this? Stop doing things for reaction. Do things for you. let whatever comes naturally come naturally. Don't worry about her lack of response or over response. Well, you can think about it, because I know you will, we all do, but don't try to alter it.
Just do your thing.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/14/16 11:17 AM
Originally Posted By: RSG
Something else my therapist said was every once in a while, maybe instigate a non-S conversation. So, I just asked "How's your day going." That petered out really quickly, lasting a couple texts so I just let it die rather than forcing conversation. Actually, when I asked she responded with "are you ok?" a couple times. She also sent me a text meant for someone else and said "oops wrong friend lol." Yuck.[quote]
I know this well RSG. My W also shuts down when I try to engage her on non-D related things. Even a simple hello or goodbye is usually met w/ silence.
Best to continue being a lighthouse. Show her that you are fine, regardless of what she does, and mean it. You're really good at that and have been since I've been here.
Ginger says it well and I think this is spot on...
[quote=Ginger1]
Best way to handle this? Stop doing things for reaction. Do things for you. let whatever comes naturally come naturally. Don't worry about her lack of response or over response. Well, you can think about it, because I know you will, we all do, but don't try to alter it.
Just do your thing.
I know this well RSG. My W also shuts down when I try to engage her on non-D related things. Even a simple hello or goodbye is usually met w/ silence.
Best to continue being a lighthouse. Show her that you are fine, regardless of what she does, and mean it. You're really good at that and have been since I've been here.
Ginger says it well and I think this is spot on...
[quote=Ginger1]
Best way to handle this? Stop doing things for reaction. Do things for you. let whatever comes naturally come naturally. Don't worry about her lack of response or over response. Well, you can think about it, because I know you will, we all do, but don't try to alter it.
Just do your thing.
I keep reminding myself that I didn't get to this point overnight and it won't fix itself overnight. that realization seems to help immensely in waiting out these lulls and downtimes.
Keep being your confident self RSG. It's gotten you good returns in the past and I've no doubt it will in the future too!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/14/16 11:18 AM
Repost bc I'm awful at this quote thing!
I know this well RSG. My W also shuts down when I try to engage her on non-D related things. Even a simple hello or goodbye is usually met w/ silence.
Best to continue being a lighthouse. Show her that you are fine, regardless of what she does, and mean it. You're really good at that and have been since I've been here.
Ginger says it well and I think this is spot on...
Best way to handle this? Stop doing things for reaction. Do things for you. let whatever comes naturally come naturally. Don't worry about her lack of response or over response. Well, you can think about it, because I know you will, we all do, but don't try to alter it.
Just do your thing.
I keep reminding myself that I didn't get to this point overnight and it won't fix itself overnight. that realization seems to help immensely in waiting out these lulls and downtimes.
Keep being your confident self RSG. It's gotten you good returns in the past and I've no doubt it will in the future too!
Originally Posted By: RSG
Something else my therapist said was every once in a while, maybe instigate a non-S conversation. So, I just asked "How's your day going." That petered out really quickly, lasting a couple texts so I just let it die rather than forcing conversation. Actually, when I asked she responded with "are you ok?" a couple times. She also sent me a text meant for someone else and said "oops wrong friend lol." Yuck.
I know this well RSG. My W also shuts down when I try to engage her on non-D related things. Even a simple hello or goodbye is usually met w/ silence.
Best to continue being a lighthouse. Show her that you are fine, regardless of what she does, and mean it. You're really good at that and have been since I've been here.
Ginger says it well and I think this is spot on...
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Best way to handle this? Stop doing things for reaction. Do things for you. let whatever comes naturally come naturally. Don't worry about her lack of response or over response. Well, you can think about it, because I know you will, we all do, but don't try to alter it.
Just do your thing.
I keep reminding myself that I didn't get to this point overnight and it won't fix itself overnight. that realization seems to help immensely in waiting out these lulls and downtimes.
Keep being your confident self RSG. It's gotten you good returns in the past and I've no doubt it will in the future too!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/14/16 11:28 AM
I agree that things won't fix itself overnight, if we remember this it does help out during the lulls and downtimes. You have been doing great RSG, keep it up!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/14/16 05:32 PM
Thanks Hawker and LT. I do get little down moments. Ginger, that's an interesting observation. Why can't there be a happy medium? Lol
Well, a VERY interesting afternoon. Just before I leave work she asks "Does 5:30 work for you?" Long story short, she got S together with some other kid. We agreed for her to drop him off at 5:15. Then AGAIN asks for 5:30, and though annoyed I say fine. I get to the church just before 5 and decide to wait, because going home THEN going back would just be stupid. At around 5:20, she texts and says "5:45. Sorry." WTF? Sorry, but I will NO LONGER accept being told what to do, when to do it, where to go.
I told her I was going home and she could drop him there. She kept asking if I were still at the church and I kept telling her you can drop him at home. I was SO pissed off. Inconsiderate, taking advantage, telling me what to do. I WILL NOT accept this nor will I forgive it. It will change or I will go. She finally got him home at 6:15. Luckily I got most of my yelling out in the car, and when she drove up I was still angry but it was tailing off. She wanted to chat, but I told her she needs to communicate better and she left.
After I cooled down, I text her and said "These are better scheduled for Friday. He doesn't need to be out so late on a school day, and I would prefer you communicate better." Her: "He wasn't out late. I could say the same about your therapy, he's out until 7 so stop. So sorry you were inconvenienced" noting it was the first time and something he badly needs. I said "I understand he needs socialization, but please communicate better. Also, it feels like you're telling me what's happening, what to do, when to do it, etc rather than asking. It really bothers me."
She sent me a big, sassy OK. I said thanks, and noted I needed some time to cool down because I was in no condition to have a conversation. I asked if she had any info from his day, she said only that he didn't nap but said her surgery is the 23rd and pre-op is next Monday so she won't be at the evaluation. I said "I wish you could be there to support him during the evaluation, but can't argue with that. I'll take care of him no worries." We talked about it a little, and I mentioned "S and I will be thinking of you next week, hoping everything goes smoothly." She just says it's fine, and that she might keep him next TH and take him to school. I say that might be good for both of you. Are you really not too worried about it? "I'm going to be fine, doing what I need to." "OK, just asking don't want to bring up undue stress. I'm glad you went to the Dr. when you did." "Thanks have a good evening." "You too."
I did a good job calming down and not telling her what I REALLY was thinking. I can forgive and work through her dumpster diving for men, even how she refused to parent for months. I will NOT tolerate being ordered around any longer, and if she can't fix this or at least commit to working on it, I cannot do anything but leave. They are my biggest issues with her, crap that started up when she started this mess.
I don't like how she can't even say thanks for my giving positive vibes about her surgery. In this particular instance, she might not have been swooned by it given we had argued but even when we've had good conversations she doesn't show thanks for my concern. LT noted something interesting in his thread that, when his W starts to show cracks she withdraws. I think mine might be withdrawing in this instance, or it's possible she just doesn't care.
This is the angriest I've been in months, but I showed very little and waited until I had calmed down before I contacted her and let her know what my issue was. I think what really confuses me is that she doesn't seem to realize what she's done or how she talks to me. It's very frustrating.
What an end to the day!!
Well, a VERY interesting afternoon. Just before I leave work she asks "Does 5:30 work for you?" Long story short, she got S together with some other kid. We agreed for her to drop him off at 5:15. Then AGAIN asks for 5:30, and though annoyed I say fine. I get to the church just before 5 and decide to wait, because going home THEN going back would just be stupid. At around 5:20, she texts and says "5:45. Sorry." WTF? Sorry, but I will NO LONGER accept being told what to do, when to do it, where to go.
I told her I was going home and she could drop him there. She kept asking if I were still at the church and I kept telling her you can drop him at home. I was SO pissed off. Inconsiderate, taking advantage, telling me what to do. I WILL NOT accept this nor will I forgive it. It will change or I will go. She finally got him home at 6:15. Luckily I got most of my yelling out in the car, and when she drove up I was still angry but it was tailing off. She wanted to chat, but I told her she needs to communicate better and she left.
After I cooled down, I text her and said "These are better scheduled for Friday. He doesn't need to be out so late on a school day, and I would prefer you communicate better." Her: "He wasn't out late. I could say the same about your therapy, he's out until 7 so stop. So sorry you were inconvenienced" noting it was the first time and something he badly needs. I said "I understand he needs socialization, but please communicate better. Also, it feels like you're telling me what's happening, what to do, when to do it, etc rather than asking. It really bothers me."
She sent me a big, sassy OK. I said thanks, and noted I needed some time to cool down because I was in no condition to have a conversation. I asked if she had any info from his day, she said only that he didn't nap but said her surgery is the 23rd and pre-op is next Monday so she won't be at the evaluation. I said "I wish you could be there to support him during the evaluation, but can't argue with that. I'll take care of him no worries." We talked about it a little, and I mentioned "S and I will be thinking of you next week, hoping everything goes smoothly." She just says it's fine, and that she might keep him next TH and take him to school. I say that might be good for both of you. Are you really not too worried about it? "I'm going to be fine, doing what I need to." "OK, just asking don't want to bring up undue stress. I'm glad you went to the Dr. when you did." "Thanks have a good evening." "You too."
I did a good job calming down and not telling her what I REALLY was thinking. I can forgive and work through her dumpster diving for men, even how she refused to parent for months. I will NOT tolerate being ordered around any longer, and if she can't fix this or at least commit to working on it, I cannot do anything but leave. They are my biggest issues with her, crap that started up when she started this mess.
I don't like how she can't even say thanks for my giving positive vibes about her surgery. In this particular instance, she might not have been swooned by it given we had argued but even when we've had good conversations she doesn't show thanks for my concern. LT noted something interesting in his thread that, when his W starts to show cracks she withdraws. I think mine might be withdrawing in this instance, or it's possible she just doesn't care.
This is the angriest I've been in months, but I showed very little and waited until I had calmed down before I contacted her and let her know what my issue was. I think what really confuses me is that she doesn't seem to realize what she's done or how she talks to me. It's very frustrating.
What an end to the day!!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/14/16 05:51 PM
I think we've had conversations about communication before and not seen eye to eye, but I have to say that from over here, I don't think there was anything in the exchange that warranted the level of anger you seem to feel.
Extracting preschoolers from play dates often takes longer than you think, and when you are already running late and trying to text, it's not unusual to be terse, which can come off as bossy.
And expecting to be thanked for expressing best wishes for a surgery? It just feels like you are letting the larger situation cloud your perspective on exchanges that are rather benign.
Extracting preschoolers from play dates often takes longer than you think, and when you are already running late and trying to text, it's not unusual to be terse, which can come off as bossy.
And expecting to be thanked for expressing best wishes for a surgery? It just feels like you are letting the larger situation cloud your perspective on exchanges that are rather benign.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/14/16 06:17 PM
Originally Posted By: Rose888
I think we've had conversations about communication before and not seen eye to eye, but I have to say that from over here, I don't think there was anything in the exchange that warranted the level of anger you seem to feel.
Extracting preschoolers from play dates often takes longer than you think, and when you are already running late and trying to text, it's not unusual to be terse, which can come off as bossy.
And expecting to be thanked for expressing best wishes for a surgery? It just feels like you are letting the larger situation cloud your perspective on exchanges that are rather benign.
Extracting preschoolers from play dates often takes longer than you think, and when you are already running late and trying to text, it's not unusual to be terse, which can come off as bossy.
And expecting to be thanked for expressing best wishes for a surgery? It just feels like you are letting the larger situation cloud your perspective on exchanges that are rather benign.
You might be right about the latter, I could see that.
However, re the former it isn't a communication issue anymore. It's a nasty habit she's developed. She expects me to do what she wants when she wants it where she wants it, without any explanation. I used to buckle and just take it, thinking it would make the relationship better. I became a doormat. She would treat me like one of her diaper wearing preschoolers. The playdate was immaterial. It was taking for granted 5:30 was ok with me because she said so (she didn't indicate it was a play date until I asked), then agreeing to 5:15 but going back to her original time because she decided THEN telling me I had to wait longer because she said so. No explanation. I know if I did that, she would be livid. She only thinks her time is important. Just like the way she'll talk about "happiness" but doesn't think that my definition of the word might be different.
Also, I tried to call her minutes after she texted for an explanation. Refused to answer, when she keeps her phone in her hands at all times. I'm not sitting around at her beckon call. I had to get home, feed the dog and take him out not sit around in the church parking lot until at least 5:45 and sit in at least 15 more mins of traffic to get home because she decided it's what she wanted to do. Have a problem? Think you're going to be late? Call. Make an effort. Be respectful. Don't just tell me what to do and expect me to take it.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/14/16 06:59 PM
I agree with what rose said and also...
"I don't like how she can't even say thanks for my giving positive vibes about her surgery. In this particular instance, she might not have been swooned by it given we had argued but even when we've had good conversations she doesn't show thanks for my concern."
She's also not required to do so. Did you wish her well just to get a response from her? If not, then let it go. You wished her well. Period.
"LT noted something interesting in his thread that, when his W starts to show cracks she withdraws. I think mine might be withdrawing in this instance, or it's possible she just doesn't care."
Mindreading. You've been doing alot of that concerning her actions. If you read carefully, you are the one getting yourself angry. Not her.
"I don't like how she can't even say thanks for my giving positive vibes about her surgery. In this particular instance, she might not have been swooned by it given we had argued but even when we've had good conversations she doesn't show thanks for my concern."
She's also not required to do so. Did you wish her well just to get a response from her? If not, then let it go. You wished her well. Period.
"LT noted something interesting in his thread that, when his W starts to show cracks she withdraws. I think mine might be withdrawing in this instance, or it's possible she just doesn't care."
Mindreading. You've been doing alot of that concerning her actions. If you read carefully, you are the one getting yourself angry. Not her.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/14/16 07:13 PM
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Mindreading. You've been doing alot of that concerning her actions. If you read carefully, you are the one getting yourself angry. Not her.
This is called projection....
Psychological Projection...
Emotional Displacement...
You are basically pushing your emotional hurt and pain into her actions.
You will gain nothing from this
And typically it will enhance your pain, struggles and suffering throughout this process.
This is why it is so important to learn about and work on healthy detachment....
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/14/16 07:34 PM
When she orders me around at her whim like a preschooler, how would you suggest I respond? Not flaming, legitimately asking. This is something she did when she was at her disrespectful worst while she'd leave S and I every evening and most weekends before she left.
I see what you mean about wishing her well about surgery.
I see what you mean about wishing her well about surgery.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/14/16 07:47 PM
Originally Posted By: RSG
When she orders me around at her whim like a preschooler, how would you suggest I respond? Not flaming, legitimately asking. This is something she did when she was at her disrespectful worst while she'd leave S and I every evening and most weekends before she left.
I see what you mean about wishing her well about surgery.
I see what you mean about wishing her well about surgery.
With my angry WAW ordering me around like a preschooler, I started to see her as a child throwing a tantrum.
What do you do with a child throwing a tantrum you may ask?
You ignore it.
Bid her good day and let her know you can talk when she is in a better place to do so.
For me, it stopped the tantrums.
Now she only talks to me as it relates to details for my child.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
The key is to stay within yourself.
Keep emotions in check.
Keep your buttons out of reach
And keep moving forward.
It takes practice and some slip ups.
It does become easier as you focus on your efforts for healthy emotional detachment.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/15/16 03:18 AM
Going home instead of continuing to wait at the church was a great response.
Being so mad about the situation that you were yelling (whether to yourself or her) ?
Telling her she needs to communicate better?
Complaining that 6:15 is too late to be out?
Attributing a sassy tone to her texting you"OK"?
Those are the parts that seem out of proportion to the event.
Being so mad about the situation that you were yelling (whether to yourself or her) ?
Telling her she needs to communicate better?
Complaining that 6:15 is too late to be out?
Attributing a sassy tone to her texting you"OK"?
Those are the parts that seem out of proportion to the event.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/15/16 05:40 AM
RSG, you can do this buddy, but I think you need to reset a little. I completely understand the anger, and how the smallest of things can set you off. You will get past it, if I managed to get past it, you will too.. I just hope it doesn't have to get as bad for you as it did for me before I really understood I needed to forgive, which alleviated the anger.
Anyway, you did the right thing, you told her that if she couldn't be where you agreed at the time you agreed upon, then she could bring him to the house. That was perfect.
She text you and let you know she would be late, I remember when you used to get upset because she would be late dropping him off at the house and wouldn't tell you, and if I remember correctly, I think you said I just wish she would let me know. now she is letting you know.
Set a boundary, if this is something you really need to fix for your sanity, let her know that you expect her to drop him off when she says she will, and if she is not there by that time she will need to bring him by the house because you will not be waiting.... Personally, I think this is overkill, I don't think a few minutes here are there are that big of a deal, but if it is affecting you, then it is necessary. You come first. The other alternative, you could always bring the DR book and read it again while your waiting for her, make the time useful for yourself.
Anyway, I know that the anger can take over, it doesn't need to make sense to anyone because when it happens it is real to you, but it will pass, you've done well at recognizing it and handling it well.
Anyway, you did the right thing, you told her that if she couldn't be where you agreed at the time you agreed upon, then she could bring him to the house. That was perfect.
She text you and let you know she would be late, I remember when you used to get upset because she would be late dropping him off at the house and wouldn't tell you, and if I remember correctly, I think you said I just wish she would let me know. now she is letting you know.
Set a boundary, if this is something you really need to fix for your sanity, let her know that you expect her to drop him off when she says she will, and if she is not there by that time she will need to bring him by the house because you will not be waiting.... Personally, I think this is overkill, I don't think a few minutes here are there are that big of a deal, but if it is affecting you, then it is necessary. You come first. The other alternative, you could always bring the DR book and read it again while your waiting for her, make the time useful for yourself.
Anyway, I know that the anger can take over, it doesn't need to make sense to anyone because when it happens it is real to you, but it will pass, you've done well at recognizing it and handling it well.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/15/16 10:48 AM
Welp. Trailer trash's wife contacted me. They're living together, and have been for months. Everything in me says divorce, and I will fight for custody. She's drunk, never sees him, has no money for a lawyer. And I have kept a journal, his wife can testify to their rampant drunkenness, I can subpoena text messages.
I'm so disappointed in who she has become. It's disgusting.
I'm angry, but I'm more at peace knowing things than having to guess.
I'm so disappointed in who she has become. It's disgusting.
I'm angry, but I'm more at peace knowing things than having to guess.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/15/16 11:13 AM
Sorry to hear this RSG
It's weird how you have a "calm feeling" when you finally know the truth.
Doesn't make it easy. I've been there before. You keep on being the best RSG and dad you can be. Focus within and remember you can control her or make her stop. You have control over you and only you
Now is when you cut all communication. Absolute possible minimum about son and that is it
I would also recommend contacting an attorney as soon as possible
It's weird how you have a "calm feeling" when you finally know the truth.
Doesn't make it easy. I've been there before. You keep on being the best RSG and dad you can be. Focus within and remember you can control her or make her stop. You have control over you and only you
Now is when you cut all communication. Absolute possible minimum about son and that is it
I would also recommend contacting an attorney as soon as possible
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/15/16 12:37 PM
RSG, did you know OM was M? I don't remember that...
Anyway, that is not a R that is going to last, but knowing for sure may help you really drop the rope. im sure it was devastating to find out, it's ok to feel the sadness, but try not to let the anger take over, and DO NOT confront him, he is not worth your time, and you don't want to get yourself in trouble.
See a lawyer, find out your options, but don't file out of anger, you may need to to find out what is best for son, but if it doesn't matter, let the anger die down before making a decision.
Anyway, that is not a R that is going to last, but knowing for sure may help you really drop the rope. im sure it was devastating to find out, it's ok to feel the sadness, but try not to let the anger take over, and DO NOT confront him, he is not worth your time, and you don't want to get yourself in trouble.
See a lawyer, find out your options, but don't file out of anger, you may need to to find out what is best for son, but if it doesn't matter, let the anger die down before making a decision.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/15/16 02:26 PM
RSG, I'm really sorry about the latest news bud.
The advice above is solid. Let the news soak in and get through the anger. Don't make any decisions until you're back to neutral. This is the time to focus on your S and you and work on that cooking. The goal should be to clear your head.
We are here for you brother. Vent here. Let the anger out here. Nothing productive will come from reacting right now. Hang in there and you'll get through this as well as you have the other stuff up until now.
The advice above is solid. Let the news soak in and get through the anger. Don't make any decisions until you're back to neutral. This is the time to focus on your S and you and work on that cooking. The goal should be to clear your head.
We are here for you brother. Vent here. Let the anger out here. Nothing productive will come from reacting right now. Hang in there and you'll get through this as well as you have the other stuff up until now.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/15/16 03:30 PM
Well, it's been a pretty crummy day. I called her a slut about 100 times today for rolling around in the dumpster. It felt really good honestly. I asked my Dad for the recommendation he got from his secretary for a divorce attorney. I need to schedule an appointment, and will contact him tonight. I'm not sure when I can take time off, because I've done so much lately. You know, since I'm the only parent I've been doing all the appointments and I have the other one Monday.
I didn't know he was M. He has a 9 year old child he barely sees, who wants little to do with him. Apparently she has kidney problems And, a picture truly DOES say a million words. I saw a good up close picture on his W Facebook page. Fat, ugly, dopey looking, looks old but is early 30's, and no money. Neither one of them have money to file for divorce lol.
Coconut, I'd like to go to their apartment and whoop his fat ass. He's a big fat doofus covered in tattoos. Now I know where the sudden itch for new ones came from, and the stupid hair colors.
But, it's the lies more than anything. The more I talk to his W, the more the lies come out. Everything in 2016 has been a lie. He has been open to his W about it, while she has hidden everything from me. Now it's been exposed and she is SCARED about her reputation getting out.
I really know, now more than ever, that I can live without her and don't need her. I've lost all my respect for her, she's pretty much at rock bottom for me. I looked at her today at dropoff and just felt disgust. Could I EVER kiss her again?! Putting my mouth where raw sewage was???
Today was 9+ months of anger, fear, frustration, tears, lost hopes, dashed dreams and hell rolled into one and I let her have it. But, CBT, I'm on silence starting tomorrow.
Oh, and she's not going to therapy anymore....and it was worthless anyway. "I learned in therapy I don't have to explain my feelings." Lol, she saw a hedonist of course. Just an echo chamber for being an adulterer. Probably my favorite thing I said was "Do you really sweat when you go to church?" I laughed at my own joke at my desk lol...
I didn't know he was M. He has a 9 year old child he barely sees, who wants little to do with him. Apparently she has kidney problems And, a picture truly DOES say a million words. I saw a good up close picture on his W Facebook page. Fat, ugly, dopey looking, looks old but is early 30's, and no money. Neither one of them have money to file for divorce lol.
Coconut, I'd like to go to their apartment and whoop his fat ass. He's a big fat doofus covered in tattoos. Now I know where the sudden itch for new ones came from, and the stupid hair colors.
But, it's the lies more than anything. The more I talk to his W, the more the lies come out. Everything in 2016 has been a lie. He has been open to his W about it, while she has hidden everything from me. Now it's been exposed and she is SCARED about her reputation getting out.
I really know, now more than ever, that I can live without her and don't need her. I've lost all my respect for her, she's pretty much at rock bottom for me. I looked at her today at dropoff and just felt disgust. Could I EVER kiss her again?! Putting my mouth where raw sewage was???
Today was 9+ months of anger, fear, frustration, tears, lost hopes, dashed dreams and hell rolled into one and I let her have it. But, CBT, I'm on silence starting tomorrow.
Oh, and she's not going to therapy anymore....and it was worthless anyway. "I learned in therapy I don't have to explain my feelings." Lol, she saw a hedonist of course. Just an echo chamber for being an adulterer. Probably my favorite thing I said was "Do you really sweat when you go to church?" I laughed at my own joke at my desk lol...
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/16/16 04:02 AM
RSG, how are you this morning brother?
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/16/16 09:55 AM
How goes it amigo?
If you are looking into the L stuff, let me know. Happy to share the info I'm getting as I start the L process too.
Otherwise, hang in there bud. Tough times, but plenty of folks here to support you.
If you are looking into the L stuff, let me know. Happy to share the info I'm getting as I start the L process too.
Otherwise, hang in there bud. Tough times, but plenty of folks here to support you.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/16/16 10:28 AM
Well, another tough day but for different reasons.
I talked to fatboy's W most of yesterday. She told me stuff that floored me. Sex in the woods, behind dumpsters, drunk in parking lots before they knew each other's names. Everything, EVERYTHING she's told me this entire year has been a lie. I got all my anger out yesterday. From what his W said, they are TRULY addicted to the high and are thinking about as clearly as a strung out heroin addict. They have no money, get drunk all the time, go to strip joints and drop the money they do have. He doesn't see his child, or his invalid bedridden parents. My W is controlling the hell out of him, as he's tried to leave 4-5 times and she convinces him she's pregnant. It seems like she's figured out she can't control me, and my son cannot be controlled by anyone, so she's found a weak doofus who she can manipulate like a marionette. Coconut, you're right. Something built on these lies, deception and moral garbage is a ticking timebomb.
My reaction is: It's all about my baby now. When this thing blows up, and it will, she will either do the things I ask as Sandi has written constantly about. Or she will not be allowed home.
I called the L this morning. He told me that, based on our current pattern of him sleeping at my house 6 days a week (and doing so for roughly 2 months) along with the fact she abandoned him (not in the legal sense, but the practical) and left home leaving him with me, it's almost cut and dry that I'd be named his physical and legal Custodian. She would also owe me child support, and on top of that have to pay a percentage of any doctor bills, tuition and insurance premium costs. HUGE HUGE HUGE.
I don't believe my wife is a fit parent, and I worry about my son in such a toxic, evil, dysfunctional environment. I truly have no idea who this woman is.
It's a tough day, because I can see myself bawling signing the papers but knowing it's right. I can see myself having the discussion with my son in a few years "Daddy, why did Mommy leave?" I can see myself as the Dad who shows up to Muffins with Mom at school. It's tragic, horrifying and just plain disgusting. She will have potentially traded FOURTEEN years of my son's life, and possibly more once he's of age because who knows what he'll think then, for what? A big, fat, stupid bum. God help me.
The thing of it is, when I was talking to his W last night I recognized all the things she was saying. All the signs I've read about here. There's no love there. No future. No nothing. She spammed me a bunch this morning, because she's freaking out and still trying to tell me how to feel, how to react and what to do. MORE control. I told her she has a LOT of work to do to earn my trust, because I don't believe a word she says. She said why, we're not together. I said forget marriage or so-called coparenting. I mean as a person. She said that was the "most civil thing you've said to me that I would like to work towards." What a joke. Oh, and she's so paranoid. EVERYONE is against her!
His W said he feels sorry for them. She still wants him to come home. I told her some DB stuff, told her not to beg or plead anymore but if he DOES come home again to not accept any stipulations from him. Because he'll just continue to do what he wants anyway.
I'm handling this the best I can. I'm living. I'm happy my son will be in a loving, safe home with his Daddy as much as possible. I can't believe she did this to us, and more importantly him. It's preposterous.....
I talked to fatboy's W most of yesterday. She told me stuff that floored me. Sex in the woods, behind dumpsters, drunk in parking lots before they knew each other's names. Everything, EVERYTHING she's told me this entire year has been a lie. I got all my anger out yesterday. From what his W said, they are TRULY addicted to the high and are thinking about as clearly as a strung out heroin addict. They have no money, get drunk all the time, go to strip joints and drop the money they do have. He doesn't see his child, or his invalid bedridden parents. My W is controlling the hell out of him, as he's tried to leave 4-5 times and she convinces him she's pregnant. It seems like she's figured out she can't control me, and my son cannot be controlled by anyone, so she's found a weak doofus who she can manipulate like a marionette. Coconut, you're right. Something built on these lies, deception and moral garbage is a ticking timebomb.
My reaction is: It's all about my baby now. When this thing blows up, and it will, she will either do the things I ask as Sandi has written constantly about. Or she will not be allowed home.
I called the L this morning. He told me that, based on our current pattern of him sleeping at my house 6 days a week (and doing so for roughly 2 months) along with the fact she abandoned him (not in the legal sense, but the practical) and left home leaving him with me, it's almost cut and dry that I'd be named his physical and legal Custodian. She would also owe me child support, and on top of that have to pay a percentage of any doctor bills, tuition and insurance premium costs. HUGE HUGE HUGE.
I don't believe my wife is a fit parent, and I worry about my son in such a toxic, evil, dysfunctional environment. I truly have no idea who this woman is.
It's a tough day, because I can see myself bawling signing the papers but knowing it's right. I can see myself having the discussion with my son in a few years "Daddy, why did Mommy leave?" I can see myself as the Dad who shows up to Muffins with Mom at school. It's tragic, horrifying and just plain disgusting. She will have potentially traded FOURTEEN years of my son's life, and possibly more once he's of age because who knows what he'll think then, for what? A big, fat, stupid bum. God help me.
The thing of it is, when I was talking to his W last night I recognized all the things she was saying. All the signs I've read about here. There's no love there. No future. No nothing. She spammed me a bunch this morning, because she's freaking out and still trying to tell me how to feel, how to react and what to do. MORE control. I told her she has a LOT of work to do to earn my trust, because I don't believe a word she says. She said why, we're not together. I said forget marriage or so-called coparenting. I mean as a person. She said that was the "most civil thing you've said to me that I would like to work towards." What a joke. Oh, and she's so paranoid. EVERYONE is against her!
His W said he feels sorry for them. She still wants him to come home. I told her some DB stuff, told her not to beg or plead anymore but if he DOES come home again to not accept any stipulations from him. Because he'll just continue to do what he wants anyway.
I'm handling this the best I can. I'm living. I'm happy my son will be in a loving, safe home with his Daddy as much as possible. I can't believe she did this to us, and more importantly him. It's preposterous.....
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/16/16 10:55 AM
RSG... please, please, please work on losing the anger. Go back and re-read my last two threads, the anger will eat you up as it did me. Feel it, process it, punch a bag, work out, get it out of you, but don't let it fester. When you see your WW next, do something nice for her, find forgiveness' for what she has done (don't need to tell her, its for you not her).
My first step in forgiving my WW was bring her a cup of coffee, up until that day I woulda considered throwing it in her face, but I decided that I would no longer have the hate. Forgiveness is the most gratifying thing you can do for yourself.
Don't get lost in the anger buddy, I'm not saying you are, I'm just saying it isn't that hard to do so I want you to watch out for it.
My first step in forgiving my WW was bring her a cup of coffee, up until that day I woulda considered throwing it in her face, but I decided that I would no longer have the hate. Forgiveness is the most gratifying thing you can do for yourself.
Don't get lost in the anger buddy, I'm not saying you are, I'm just saying it isn't that hard to do so I want you to watch out for it.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/17/16 05:49 AM
RSG, the anger is good and bad. It's a great way to get out a ton of frustration and pain that's built up but if you direct it towards your W it can kill any work you have done. Best to let it settle, get in some exercise, and then make your decisions on how to proceed.
Hang in there brother. How are you today?
Hang in there brother. How are you today?
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/17/16 03:23 PM
How you doing bud? Hopefully spending the weekend with S...
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/19/16 07:37 AM
How you doing RSG? I can imagine that the past couple day have been rough. Hopefully you got to spend some quality time with your little guy
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/19/16 09:27 AM
RSG, how goes it? I'll echo what the other guys have said. Hope the weekend offered some time to decompress and you enjoyed it w/ your S. Completely get how tough this stuff can be at times.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/20/16 10:35 AM
Well, my year of hell continues. Thank you guys for checking up on me.
The details keep coming out and they're sick. I have no choice but to divorce. The sex is nasty enough. It's the fact that every word out of her month since last November has been a lie. She used my love, my hope and the love of my family against me and used it for her own gain.
My stomach is in knots, and the tears come and go. I DID get a lot of quality time with my boy. He has held me together through all this, and he's doing it again. He did well at his evaluation yesterday and I just need to get a few more forms filled out so the city can determine what he's eligible for.
I've never felt pain like this before. This kind of betrayal. To trust someone implicitly and to be used in every way possible. I am sleeping ok though. I'm emotionally exhausted, so I zonk right out. I loved my wife. I wanted to live my life with her. There's just something wrong inside of her. She's not a happy person, and I don't think she'll ever be. I had my faults in our marriage, but she KNEW I was full of love. And that's how she got me.
I want to bring a positive female role model into my son's life again after I've picked myself up and am able to be serious with a woman again. I have a ton of love to give. I'm a good man, intelligent, provide as best I can, attractive and a great father. I know I can find a good woman.
But for now, I'm just trying to survive.
The details keep coming out and they're sick. I have no choice but to divorce. The sex is nasty enough. It's the fact that every word out of her month since last November has been a lie. She used my love, my hope and the love of my family against me and used it for her own gain.
My stomach is in knots, and the tears come and go. I DID get a lot of quality time with my boy. He has held me together through all this, and he's doing it again. He did well at his evaluation yesterday and I just need to get a few more forms filled out so the city can determine what he's eligible for.
I've never felt pain like this before. This kind of betrayal. To trust someone implicitly and to be used in every way possible. I am sleeping ok though. I'm emotionally exhausted, so I zonk right out. I loved my wife. I wanted to live my life with her. There's just something wrong inside of her. She's not a happy person, and I don't think she'll ever be. I had my faults in our marriage, but she KNEW I was full of love. And that's how she got me.
I want to bring a positive female role model into my son's life again after I've picked myself up and am able to be serious with a woman again. I have a ton of love to give. I'm a good man, intelligent, provide as best I can, attractive and a great father. I know I can find a good woman.
But for now, I'm just trying to survive.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/20/16 10:49 AM
RSG -
Im sorry youre going through this. I know that it can and will get better, but sometimes, when youre at the bottom, theyre just words.
As for advice, for now, I wouldnt worry about this:
Frankly, it just isnt that important.
I would much rather hear you focusing on this:
Get through today. Then tomorrow. When youre ready, you can start rebuilding.
Stay strong, buddy.
Im sorry youre going through this. I know that it can and will get better, but sometimes, when youre at the bottom, theyre just words.
As for advice, for now, I wouldnt worry about this:
Originally Posted By: RSG
I have no choice but to divorce.
Frankly, it just isnt that important.
I would much rather hear you focusing on this:
Originally Posted By: RSG
I'm just trying to survive.
Get through today. Then tomorrow. When youre ready, you can start rebuilding.
Stay strong, buddy.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/20/16 12:19 PM
Sorry RSG....you sound like a great man and father! Sorry you have to deal with this crap!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/20/16 04:05 PM
So sorry to hear you are hurting so bad RSG,
I know exactly how you feel and I also know that we can not do anything to "fix" it or make the time pass faster.
Divorce is not important. In my situation it has never even been mentioned. Because my W is living as if divorce is just a frame of mind and it really is.
The piece of paper means nothing, I have been divorced for months I just didn't know it yet.
My W is now in a "relationship" she started 3 months after she moved out. So I guess what I'm saying is just take it day by day and don't view divorce as being the "end" it's just another stage. And like in most cases divorce changes nothing, we will still need to see our W's forever.
The best advice I can give and I'm no expert is just make yourself the best person you can. I know you would have heard it 100 times before and it's little comfort to us that are left to dwell on the past but seriously hanging on to hope and wanting my W was killing me slowly and I needed it to stop.
I have now made my peace with the fact she has moved on and is right now happy. Now I am working on myself to be in the same position.
Life is short, put all your energy into focusing on positives and not negatives. Your son needs you. Stay strong.
I know exactly how you feel and I also know that we can not do anything to "fix" it or make the time pass faster.
Divorce is not important. In my situation it has never even been mentioned. Because my W is living as if divorce is just a frame of mind and it really is.
The piece of paper means nothing, I have been divorced for months I just didn't know it yet.
My W is now in a "relationship" she started 3 months after she moved out. So I guess what I'm saying is just take it day by day and don't view divorce as being the "end" it's just another stage. And like in most cases divorce changes nothing, we will still need to see our W's forever.
The best advice I can give and I'm no expert is just make yourself the best person you can. I know you would have heard it 100 times before and it's little comfort to us that are left to dwell on the past but seriously hanging on to hope and wanting my W was killing me slowly and I needed it to stop.
I have now made my peace with the fact she has moved on and is right now happy. Now I am working on myself to be in the same position.
Life is short, put all your energy into focusing on positives and not negatives. Your son needs you. Stay strong.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/20/16 06:43 PM
RSG, I'm so sorry youre having to go through this. You are right. The lies hurt the most. I completely understand where you are coming from with that part.
Best you can do now is keep focusing on you and your son. The advice about not focusing on divorce is spot on. But you know all that already.
To be honest with you brother, you are one of the most well equipped of us around here to handle this. I honestly think this is just a small bump in the road for you. You are highly adaptable, as we've all seen throughout your situation and I've no doubt you can move past this new stuff and thrive. You are an amazing dad and a strong man. I, personally have gained a lot of strength from you being such a rock.
Hang in there brother. You have so much positive going for you. Keep moving in the direction you have been and everything will be good!
Best you can do now is keep focusing on you and your son. The advice about not focusing on divorce is spot on. But you know all that already.
To be honest with you brother, you are one of the most well equipped of us around here to handle this. I honestly think this is just a small bump in the road for you. You are highly adaptable, as we've all seen throughout your situation and I've no doubt you can move past this new stuff and thrive. You are an amazing dad and a strong man. I, personally have gained a lot of strength from you being such a rock.
Hang in there brother. You have so much positive going for you. Keep moving in the direction you have been and everything will be good!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/21/16 06:22 PM
Hey brother, just checking on you. How are you?
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/21/16 08:37 PM
Originally Posted By: RSG
Everything in 2016 has been a lie.
Your love for your son has not been a lie. Your attention to bettering yourself has not been a lie. Here is another thing that is not a lie. I believe in you RSG. I believe you are one fkawesome father. I believe you are one fkawesome RSG. It is still 2016, and the above are not lies. You have done everything here better than most and have been an inspiration to me, I have no reason to see why that shall not continue.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/23/16 08:29 AM
RSG, how goes it in your neck of the woods brother?
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/24/16 06:38 PM
Hey bud, just checking up on you. Let us know how you're doing.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/25/16 10:48 AM
RSG, you out there brother? Thinking of you
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/25/16 02:00 PM
Hope you are ok RSG
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/26/16 03:36 AM
Hey brother, hope the weekend was good for you and your S!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/26/16 06:50 PM
Ok amigo! If you're not going to share new recipes, how will I ever refine my cooking skills and make a large enough mess to piss my W off?!!
Seriously though, I hope you are doing well brother. A lot of people around here worried about you. Hope you are level right now!
Seriously though, I hope you are doing well brother. A lot of people around here worried about you. Hope you are level right now!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/27/16 07:29 AM
You have a lot of people concerned about you. Hope to hear from you soon.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/28/16 08:55 AM
RSG, hope this message finds you well brother. Let us know how things are going on your end. We're all here to help you through this!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/28/16 12:41 PM
RSG - hey, don't know where you are. Perhaps you not longer see a point in visiting, all things considered. Sending you good thoughts, just simply send us an "I'm alive, be back later".
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/29/16 10:00 AM
Originally Posted By: CT1118
RSG - hey, don't know where you are. Perhaps you not longer see a point in visiting, all things considered. Sending you good thoughts, just simply send us an "I'm alive, be back later".
I appreciate all of the concern. I'm doing as well as possible actually. I'm moving towards divorce, but I'm not rushing it or anything. W and I are agreeing on as much as possible before we have to get into the lawyer's office and negotiate. I will make a longer post later, but I'm doing ok.
I'm parenting ok with the W, and we are working together for the little guy. I've put a halt on therapy for now for monetary reasons, but will DEF be going back after this is all over in order to work on forgiving her for all the evil she has done. In order for me to parent effectively, and to make sure I can trust a woman again.
Again, I appreciate the concern! I'm doing ok, and continue to take things day by day. Thanks guys!!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/29/16 02:50 PM
RSG, as always, you are taking a measured and calm approach to this. Think you're on a good path, though it's not quite the outcome we were all hoping for.
Regardless, extremely glad to hear from you brother. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help you!
Regardless, extremely glad to hear from you brother. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help you!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 09/29/16 04:47 PM
RSG, my man.
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 10/04/16 10:05 AM
Hey brother, just checking in on you. Hope all is well!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 10/08/16 06:30 PM
Hope all is well amigo!
Re: My Wife Walked Out 6 - 10/12/16 06:56 PM
RSG, I hope you and your S are doing awesome!