I'm sure you know me and my history so far.
I'll just give a brief re-cap for anyone new.
Around oct 2014, my h, a man who has always been so loving and close to me began to pull away. He had just been promoted and was being really pushed at work, he wanted to be successful at it- so he worked damn hard. I supported him physically and emotionally the best I could, I was his biggest cheerleader. Our lifestyle had undergone a huge shift already as we had just had a baby a few months before.
After a few months of him being a little distant, from super chatty and telling me absolutely everything. He had become withdrawn and silent. He started to change passwords on his phone, he had always been so open with that, we both had. I started to suspect ow. Jan 15, he told me he wanted a d. I made the mistakes, then came here and started the work. Although saying he wanted a D, he never seemed to research it seriously. He said we would do it once I'd "got my head around it". He moved into a spare room. Eventually he confirmed a EA, and he would cake eat, at times tell me he wasn't sure he wanted to D me and he still had feelings.
Apr 15, he called it off with ow. And asked if we could work through this, he was honest and admitted he slept with her a few times. In hindsight, I took him back quickly. We started to work through this and were completely transparent. But we didn't tackle the main issues. Again, Oct 15, he withdraws- no talk of D. For months, I endured a rollercoaster of ILYBNILWY then a month or so later ily. Back and forth. Things started to improve in May. We were close again. Having regular sex again. Mid June I realised I had fallen pregnant. Although, surprised and shocked (we both kind of were) h was so happy, said how we were closer to our big family he wanted with me. A week later, he's hiding his phone, I snooped and found suggestive flirty messages between them. With her giving advise that he should leave me and s "it's totally normal these days, not even a big deal". He then tells me that we aren't right for each other and he wants a divorce.
He moved into the spare room again and begins researching flats. He also consults an L. A few days ago, he spoke with me about this and his plans to file. He knows I don't want this, but knows there's nothing I can do about that. I listened and validated to him. He later thanked me for hearing him out and not flying off the handle with him.
Haven't really seen him since then. He hasn't come home from work which isn't unusual anymore, he comes and goes as he pleases. And never tells anyone his plans anymore.
I'm fully concentrating on me and my children. He is so wild and all over the board you cannot rely upon him for anything. I've consulted my own L so I know where I stand, and I've budgeted and budgeted to the £ so I know where I stand and how I will move forward. There is no way I want this, I don't. I want my family, I would love to be a family when the baby comes home. But I'm starting to realise that is quite possibly not going to happen. So I'm adjusting. I have my support network, and I'm making all kinds of plans and decisions so that if/when he leaves. I will spring them into action.
I can definitely see why an in house seperation is very difficult. I know this seems fairly obvious, but at times I've thought it's better to have him living here still. But I've had a busy day, and I've been doing okay, a few low moments when memories hit me. He didn't come home from work, I carried on with the normal evening routine and put s to bed. It's only now when it's 12:30 am and he still hasn't got in, that I get the feeling of hang on, where is he. Is he safe? Granted a few weeks ago, I would have been threating/worrying/angry hours ago. Now I'm just a bit concerned as its hours later and I've heard nothing.
This is the wayward though, they aren't concerned for anyone's feelings except their own. He is still the father of my child, so maybe I will always be concerned about him.
This is the wayward though, they aren't concerned for anyone's feelings except their own. He is still the father of my child, so maybe I will always be concerned about him.
I wish it wasn't so GD disappointing to know that is true.
Ain't that the truth. I don't think it is possible to ever not care about the mother/father of your child. We're always connected to them, and to some degree, we will always be concerned.
At least I'm past the stage of phone calls/texts.
Ain't that the truth. I don't think it is possible to ever not care about the mother/father of your child. We're always connected to them, and to some degree, we will always be concerned.
You'd be surprised...
Wow Cherry,
You've been dealing with this for a long time. Its heart breaking.
The only advice I can give you is to go dark and double down on your GAL. If you still have 180's to make, then go back to work on those. But you can't control him so take control of you.
I'm so sorry.
Thanks for the support LIM. I'm trying my best to keep busy and GAL. My life is pretty busy as it is with work, a toddler, a sick MIL I look after, and bad pregnancy sickness. But I'm doing good to make sure I also make time for me, sometimes that is a home pamper or go to a salon for a treat, meeting with friends and family and so on.
I don't contact him at all, barely speak or see him as he is never home. And at weekends when he is, I'm often out busy doing something. He kinda threw this in my face and said to me "I go days without seeing you, and it doesn't bother me at all". Gee thanks!
Zeus, maybe in a bit more time I really won't be bothered at all where he is or what he does. It doesn't overly dwell on my mind now. Again, a few weeks ago I would be in full panic mode. I guess he is a grown ass man(child) and can take care for himself.
You're doing great, keep on progressing. Heck, sometimes I think I would marry you if I was wasn't flaming straight.
Haha thanks Sara! I guess this is something I'm still working on, accepting compliments and believing in myself. H always got frustrated as when he called me beautiful or gave me a compliment it would be met with a "noo I'm not". Same with everyone else who gives me a compliment , I dismiss it. I am working on this.
You do seem to be doing a good job Cherry. All you can do is take care of yourself. If your H wants to be an a$$ clown, then unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about that. His loss.
Hey cherry, in house separation is a complete bummer. I can't get my WW to even acknowledge my existence. I've gotten her to stop the eye rolling, exasperated sighs, etc but it's painful living with someone who's supposed to be your spouse but won't have a simple conversation with you. I completely get what you are going through and am sorry you're having to live that way.
Even with all that mess though, it sounds like you're doing great handling it. You're a strong woman! keep up the good work!
It0402, I know the feeling. It angers me that it's "my spouse" that tries to treat me so badly. I wouldn't stand for his behaviour if it was anyone else.
Thanks LIM, I'm starting to accept that now. For a long time I think I've been sat in denial, but now I've finally accepted that this may well be it. So I have to take care of myself.
He arrived home about 3 am this morning. Doesn't really bear thinking about what/who he was doing. But I must admit that has creeped in my mind at times today. But I just tell myself that there really is nothing I can do about that. What bothers me more is my toddler waking up in the night in hysterics saying "daddy's gone". This is becoming more of a frequent occurrence. But it can't be mentioned to wh, as it is just met with "he's fine". It's one thing to try and comfort myself and deal with this, but a child that is too young to understand things, seems practically impossible. The only thing I can try to do is show him constant love and a parental figure he can rely on. His dad is not capable of this right now
Hey Cherry,
Your home isn't a hotel. I think if this is the behavior H wants to have he needs to work towards getting his own place. Don't tolerate being a doormat
He claims he is looking and will do so soon. Not sure on wether or not he's actually been and viewed anywhere yet. He told me he had some viewings on Wednesday but wether he went to them or not I don't know.
The only thing I can try to do is show him constant love and a parental figure he can rely on. His dad is not capable of this right now
You're doing the right thing Cherry. Focusing on being a rock for your son is precisely what you need to do.
Don't forget to put some focus on yourself as well, though I know it's got to be tough with everything you've got going on. Hopefully your WH realizes the damage he's causing, but if he doesn't then your S will need to leverage your stability/steadiness in the future.
Keep it up, we're all here to support you!
Thank you. Yeah I'm trying to make a bit of time for myself. It does concern me that my S is going to be dealing with a fair bit of change. If his dad continues on his mission of disruption and goes ahead with the move and the d, there's that, and then he's going to go from an only child to being a big brother. And he's a little too young right now to understand there's a baby in there! I'm hoping that he understands before the baby gets here, and that he doesn't feel pushed out and loves this baby and his new role!
It's all crept up on me a bit more this afternoon. Maybe it's the fact that I'm tired, full of a head cold and a very sore throat with sickness to boot; and a toddler to look after. Just so many stupid little things can stir up some reminders, and then that's it- my brain just starts thinking. Getting good at stopping my thoughts in their track when I try to make sense of the situation. It doesn't make sense, so stop wasting time trying to figure it out.
Today isn't a good day, I'm questioning my own actions again and doubting myself. H decided to come home on time today and even decided he would sit and eat with us. I said hello to him, but I couldn't muster any polite chat, not even neighbourly. I couldn't manage a how was your day, I felt I'd be a fraud. I know things are bleak looking, but I still would like to keep my family together and know that I need to "act as if". But I just couldn't quite muster up that act. Just so tired and feeling so lame that I just didn't quite feel as though I had the energy to try today.
This is not easy.
Today isn't a good day, I'm questioning my own actions again and doubting myself. H decided to come home on time today and even decided he would sit and eat with us. I said hello to him, but I couldn't muster any polite chat, not even neighbourly. I couldn't manage a how was your day, I felt I'd be a fraud. I know things are bleak looking, but I still would like to keep my family together and know that I need to "act as if". But I just couldn't quite muster up that act. Just so tired and feeling so lame that I just didn't quite feel as though I had the energy to try today.
This is not easy.
How much I wish it was easy Cherry! I get it, it's hard to carry on like these things don't matter to us day after day. You'd have to be superwoman to not have off days. All we can do is put our heads down and do the best we can to keep pushing forward.
Hope you start to feel better and get over your cold/sickness! You really are doing a good job, don't be down on yourself for one bad day!
Thanks It0402, I guess it's just one of those down days today. Everyone always says when physical health isn't too great that it affects the rest of you. I'm hoping as I'm very almost in the second trimester that the sickness will begin to improve soon, then I can crack on with having that beautiful pregnancy glow (I wish!)
I certainly feel like my head is down and in trying to push through this storm. Maybe I'm just trying to juggle a bit too much on my own right now.
((Cherry)), you poor thing. Give yoursef a break from being superwoman and just concentrate on getting through each day doing the minimum of looking after yourself and your S. Everything else can wait. I do hope you start to feel better soon. Did your H notice test you aren't very well?
In-house seperation is so tough I know I couldn't do it. It was bad enough sleeping in the same bed as my H knowing he didn't want to be with me.
I think it's the hardest thing to do acting 'as if'. I consider that I am a good actress (always fancied being on the stage), but I swear every time my H comes over I get stage fright and the scared rabbit in headlights character comes out instead of the confident friendly neighbour! Exit stage right ... (sigh).
He is not in the slightest bit bothered. He dropped me off at the hospital a few weeks ago when I was going to an admission for hyperemsis, and that's when he told me he wanted a d. He knows it's being managed by meds and the hospital, and he hears me frequently being sick but doesn't seem at all bothered, doesn't offer to help, just goes about his own selfish agenda.
They have a good knack of doing that to us. Some days I manage to nail it, often when I am busy. But I guess on days like this, I just really can't be bothered, I want to curl up in bed and be left alone.
It can be difficult, it's easier when he isn't in, but then even that at times can get you thinking.
Oh Cherry, I"m sorry your day isn't going well. You know that I understand how it feels with the in house separation. It's okay that some days you feel like you're just pushing through. I try to remind myself of a song from an old Christmas video...
"Just put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the door...just put one foot in front of the other."
Somedays that's all we can do.
Sending you many hugs and prayers and hoping that the nausea wears off soon. It's the worse.
E
What Elly said.
This road is so hard, and your road is harder than most. I'm so sorry Cherry. I don't know if talking about how hard it is helps by letting you know we understand, or makes it worse by breaking the bad news. The sad fact is that things are just never the same. So much is lost.
But, and maybe I've shared this with you before...I'm in a weird land, where while my life is more shattered and overwhelmed and full of pain than ever before, I'm also doing better than I did before.
It's like there are two separate things- how full your life is, and how much appreciation you have for what's in your life. Well, before, I had a pretty full life, but I took it for granted. I saw the differences between what I had and what I wanted. I wanted a little more. I was upset a lot at why my marriage wasn't better, or problems at work, or whatever. After BD that changed. My life seemed so shattered, so empty, the losses of belief in the world, belief in love, belief that I'd ever have anything I wanted in my life, inability to support my family due to court process, lost access to my children, and so, so, so much more...it was so much it felt that there was nothing left for me in my life. But then it flip flopped. When I had the least, suddenly I learned to shift my focus from what I wanted to what I did have. For survival reasons I was FORCED to meditate more and more on what I did have.
And what I focused on expanded. It really did. I'm more appreciative than ever before, I strengthened that muscle.
So both are true. My life is more broken and crippled now than it has ever been, I have more problems than I ever have, I am grieving and torn up to my soul...yet I am also doing better, and feel better, and appreciate what I have more.
It's freaking weird.
Anyway, that's my 'secret' that isn't so secret. While your loss and pain is greater than anything you've seen before, and while it will continue for a long, long, long, long, long time...hopefully you will feel the same experience and be shown the blessing of finding peace in the middle of a heartbreaking situation. That is what I wish for you Cherry.
Cherry,
I read your threads, but do not often (if I have?) comment on them. So...full disclosure. I wonder if when women read the threads form the men here, are the disgusted by the women or do they relate? I would not know unless they comment. And, I do suppose it could work as: when some women read the threads from men here, are they disgusted by the men?
It may seem like low hanging fruit to say that I read your thread and the story of your man disgusts me. But in all honesty, that is not fair to you or him. You are just doing what I am doing and he is in some ways going through what my W is going through. Your story has added sensationalism b/c of your pregnancy. Please know, I am speaking matter of fact, not coldly right now.
That said, my WW has a BFF. One of a few, but this BFF as I have come to find out is the only one my WW confided in and who supported her in the A. Coincidentally, this BFF worked w/ a guy whom she became the OW to in his M. And.....his W was at home preggo w/ twins while he was hooking it up on the side. FWIW, my WW was highly critical of her at the time and it jeopardized their BFF status. Yet the moment my W went WW, back to pinky shakes and pom pom 's .
I met the dude once. I met him before I was LBS, and after he married his OW who was my W's BFF supposedly. He and I had a very verbal and public exchange of dislike which our respective women had to intervene with. He was a complete narcissist, which I called him out on, e.g. my W's BFF introduced us, I put my hand out for shaking, and he said " one second, my golf scores are being posted" and then he looked down at his cell. To which I said, "had you cared that much for your twins, we may not be speaking right now". You can imagine from here.
I don't think anything I have said just now helps, but I am trying to express I empathize. I'll keep following, but I think your H is low....I do hope one day you post a glorious self victory and that is looks like what feels right for you and that beautiful baby to be.
Cherry,
I think Zeus is right. Some will totally detach and not give a sh!t. I would be capable of that I think....which is worrying.
Surfer.
Ain't that the truth. I don't think it is possible to ever not care about the mother/father of your child. We're always connected to them, and to some degree, we will always be concerned.
You'd be surprised...
Guys I thank you all for your support, even if it's to let me know you understand this pain, it's nice to speak honestly to people.
CT, welcome
I'll be honest, I'm rather gender neutral when I read these posts. Some of the things the wh &ww's make me wonder what is happening to humanity in general.
Today I got up to take s on a day out with my parents. Off to the zoo and the city. I did try my best to smile and have fun (while being sick in the bush). But those stabbing horrible feelings of memories of my and h going there before we were married, holding hands and kissing. It's like one of those painful flashback scenes from a movie, like a car crash. With me closing my eyes tighter to shut it out.
I haven't seen him, and I doubt I will today, by the time we get back he will most probably of gone out for the evening. I'm getting by but the pain is strong the past couple days. I think reality has set in to my head that he had really gone this time.
"What bothers me more is my toddler waking up in the night in hysterics saying "daddy's gone". This is becoming more of a frequent occurrence. But it can't be mentioned to wh, as it is just met with "he's fine"."
Cherry, I can not tell you how hot my p!55 boils with this. What they hell you need to say?? This would get me right out of the fog!!! Surely..I am so cross at this.
Keep it up - there are times when you cope with this stuff that people really feel for you. You are doing a great job. My god you are even almost "turning" straight people
Surfer.
Cherry,
Zoo and the City. Is that the one where Sarah Jessica Parker pukes in the bushes?? Oh dear, you must be feeling rough, sorry I just had to put something a bit amusing on your post (even though bad taste - sorry)!
The flashbacks are hard. Had them a lot, they take a while but they do go. It becomes more of a "'oh yeah' I remember that" - in a nice way, a bit sad but not horrid like it probably is now. So that will pass - it if it has to.
I am trying to get myself into a place where either way (together or apart) I am happy. I have to be honest with you Cherry this takes time and being apart is the one thing that helps. No contact. But if you keep seeing him, then you will have the constant reminder. Any if you are only getting spew its doubly hard. I feel so sorry for you on this point in particular. I remember this part keenly and I know how you feel - when I was living in the same house, separate rooms for over 2 years - it hurt. She looked like she was mentally ill, I felt like I was. It was horrendous. However, it does get better. You will feel better and you will be happy again with or without him. Stay on track.
Surfer.
Cherry, I can not tell you how hot my p!55 boils with this. What they hell you need to say?? This would get me right out of the fog!!! Surely..I am so cross at this.
Surfer.
Cherry, I think Surfer very eloquently described how most of the men reading your story feel about this. But, to you Surfer, you are not in the fog, so easy to say this would wake you up. I know you were venting and know you comprehend that either the WH/WW will wake up or they won't - we have no say in it.
Sad for them though, one day all of our kids will grow up. And they will learn truth on their own. And the WH/WW will have to pay their tab.
Surfer, a little humour is always welcomed. I try to still have a laugh in a day. I have my amusing S who always makes me smile, and a wonderful family and friends and my mil thinks of me as her own child- and I think of her as a mother, so we hold one another up. I guess she's going through her own depression of both loosing her only blood relative (it's always been the two of them) and being absolutely disgusted in his behaviour as he's turned the opposite from all the values and love that she poured into him.
I guess they will ease in time, it's just a case of when you go to that place for the first time. And like you say the constant contact one way or another, hearing him creep round the house in the early hours etc. It does make it difficult. I thought I had been doing well. I guess I am from what I was, I don't cry very often. Even in my last pregnancy with an amazing loving h, there where times when the raging hormones got to me.
Treated myself to a few nice homely bits for my room, and some nice clothes which will hopefully grow with me or fit for a little while longer (I was really lucky last pregnancy and still fit in my normal jeans the majority of the pregnancy). I have my 12 week sonogram this week, so God willing all will go okay and I can announce my pregnancy. I don't know if wh will be there. Last week he told me he would "try to get the time off" and to "not take it personally or that he is doing it out of spite" if he can't be there, and to "tell him when my appointments are coming up". At the end of the day? If he isn't there, he is only really doing himself over, as he is missing these precious moments. He did admit that he finds it hard to accept that I'm pregnant as its "not the right time". Doesn't change my way of thinking though, although not the ideal time, this baby is very much wanted in my eyes and will be loved regardless of if he tags along to this or not.
And just as a higher note surfer with regards to turning straight people, I actually had an openly gay friend, who actually told me he was very confused as he thought he had fallen in love with me. I shall take that as an absolute compliment
All in all, glad I went out and enjoyed the majority of the day. I will keep pushing through this pain and hopefully come out smiling. It's just a little hard to see when as a LBS we are in a little fog of our own and adjusting to this lifestyle that we never wanted.
And with regards to waking him up from the fog. When his mum had words with him regarding this- he looked uncomfortable, but then usually always shrugs this off with "he will be fine". Lord knows if anything can or would break him from this fog.
All I know is that he seems a very disturbed individual right now and that it's a bit too toxic to have myself sucked into. He looks as though he would head for some kind of breakdown anytime soon, but who is to know. This is something he is going to discover all by himself
Ain't that the truth. I don't think it is possible to ever not care about the mother/father of your child. We're always connected to them, and to some degree, we will always be concerned.
You'd be surprised...
It's funny, I saw a show where a divorced couple was in the same hospital because their son was going through a life threatening surgery. They almost lost him but he ended up pulling through. The parents were so relieved they were hugging each other. I remembered thinking to myself I still don't think I'd have been able to hug XW. You never know though...
I'm not sure. I mean, wh has this vision that we would be "great friends" and how he would never let anyone, even a new gf disrespect me (though he does it himself quite freely, and when ow chose to tell him to leave me and my son- that is disrespect too).
I don't know, I'd like to think that if this went ahead and happened that I would be able to be in a room with him, get a coffee with him. But I just don't know, I can't speak for how my future self would be.
I woke up to hear an argument between wh and his mom. She was asking him why the d had to be done so quickly, she was talking but he hit anger and defensive quickly. Saying how "it's not for her to understand." "He is not going to waste or ruin anymore of his life(by being married to me)". And that "the divorce is going through as we speak", guessing he's suggesting he has filed. Who knows.
I know this is all very tiring. I have to bite my tongue from lashing out at him with a few things myself. He sounds like a stroppy teenager being told not to do something by his mom and getting aggressive.
It's sh!t like this that makes me unable to be friendly towards him. How could I be friends with such a disrespectful person. Why would I be friends with someone so hurtful.
I guess it probably will be easier when he is living elsewhere so I won't have to hear his constant spew and disrespect towards me.
I wonder if you could show him that article about the way the brain works in this mode. WH actually found it interesting. I think they sometimes wonder about themselves, too.
If you Google divorce trap, the article is a little below Michele's, it's a psychologist named Jim Hurt and the header also says 'relief divorce'.
I'll have a look at that, thank you. I doubt he would do any kind of reading. Everything he seems to see as a bid to get him back and lashes out. If I'd of heard him refer to remaining married to me as ruining his life, to my face, I think he would now be nursing a broken nose. He's like a teenage brat now lashing out and spewing at everyone.
All I know is that he seems a very disturbed individual right now and that it's a bit too toxic to have myself sucked into.
Now that is a profound statement. Sublime even. Yeah, great insight Cherry.
And you are right. He won't care about learning and he is like a teenager.
I'll have a look at that, thank you. I doubt he would do any kind of reading. Everything he seems to see as a bid to get him back and lashes out. If I'd of heard him refer to remaining married to me as ruining his life, to my face, I think he would now be nursing a broken nose. He's like a teenage brat now lashing out and spewing at everyone.
Careful Cherry.
I wouldn't share anything like this with him. First, I would consider this umbrella'd under Sandi's 3rd rule, not trying to get your WAS to read relationship material. Oh, I understand it isn't relationship material, it's 'only' a study about how people make decisions. But it's crystal clear that you would be referring to his choice to divorce.
The reason this is a rule is that it will only backfire. It is the opposite of validating, you are basically saying he has lost his mind and shouldn't listen to his own feelings. It is also controlling and attached, the motive would be to try to get him to change his behavior so he acts the way you'd like him to, hoping he somehow 'comes out of the fog' and turns back towards the marriage. Controlling behavior and diminishing his feelings just pours gas on the fire. Look at how he reacted to his mother, and she's not even the one he's angry at!
One ultra important DB message is 'actions, not words'. Whatever we wish to tell our WAS, whether it is about boundaries, our personal growth, whatever...we have to demonstrate it with our actions. Talking about it does more harm than good.
Honestly it would do more good for you to read "how it feels to be a MLC" or "Why I needed to get divorced" articles. Maybe that would help you get through your anger for him, or help you focus on the things you regret in your M so you can try to 180 and avoid reacting with anger (I've read several of your threads and haven't seen any talk of 180s or mistakes in the M). Reading things that support your own view won't help you learn and grow, and sharing it with him will just remind him that 'you're unwilling to change'.
OK, you get it. I don't think you were going to share it with him, I just had to talk about it just in case.
Painter, I think it's possible that if you had the right relationship with WAH at the right time it might be possible to let him see this article without being controlling or judgmental or anything like that...but it would take a special circumstance and dynamic for that to be casual and non-judgmental. When the LBS is seething with anger I don't think the time is right. I would guess your exchange with WAH was done during a period when you were almost entirely detached, minimal anger, and where you had zero expectations for how he'd respond to the article. Maybe I'm wrong. But Cherry is far from that point.
Zeus, don't worry- I know not to show him anything kind of r related or even direct him in any kind of route to show him that I think he isn't thinking straight. I've read up quite a lot of validation, so I have made sure that all recent r conversations he has started, that I have made sure I haven't cut him up or not heard him out. I've allowed him to talk through his feelings, and whilst I haven't agreed I've listened and give a validation statement which acknowledges that his feelings are his own and that I have heard him. This is a 180 on my half as before, I would have argued it out with him, or told him what I think about his actions. I've been working on this for a good while, so some behaviours I had long since cut. After developing pnd after I had my last child- I realised I had lost all confidence, and become completely codependent, and very emotional. It took me quite a while to curb the codependency and lack of confidence- but this is something I had been working on a good while so was not even an issue. The showing emotions, eg crying had been a difficult one to tackle, being pregnant I'm quite full of emotions, but I'm getting there.
The only issue he had consistently threw at me was that he couldn't talk about something without me linking it to how I was feeling. This is something that I have consciously tried not to do, and although I've not had many conversations with him, this is something I could practice in every day conversations with other people.
Today has been much of the same. Saw wh briefly this morning as he went to spend the day "out with friends". The second he leaves, I deal with the toddler meltdown of "daddy's gone", I can't get angry when he starts having these tantrums as I know it's just his way of showing his emotions. Quite a day of throwing up non stop so we stayed home. Wh wasn't home by evening so made food for S and put him to bed. Once again we had tears of "daddy's gone". When I voiced my concerns about this to him again recently, it got with "well what's he going to do when I move". That I don't know, but he is not concerned, it will be something I will have to try and navigate through- I'm just not quite sure how. Put S to bed, and now all I want to do is be sick. It's hard to try and appear im holding things together and appear confident and happy, when sat on the bathroom floor with zero energy, and just wanting to curl up for a very long time. Okay, I know I'm having a pity party right now- but some days are just really hard to get through whilst holding it together for my s. I know single moms do this all the time, all I can say is I have big respect for keeping things together when working through a high risk pregnancy with a toddler and no father figure around
Oh Cherry, you are allowed to have as many pity parties as you like! Hopefully as you are getting to your 12 week mark your sickness will subside, or did you continue to have sickness through your first pregnancy? I hope not, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!
I don't know how our H's can be so insensitive. I remember my H telling my D after he moved out not to worry as she will get used to it! I was so angry with him I would have punched he if he was in the same room!
I'm 12 weeks now, so I'm hoping I'll turn a corner soon. I had hyperemsis gradivarium last time too- was sick right up until I had him. I've already been hospitalised more times this pregnancy than the last. But here's hoping I'll turn a corner soon.
I'm not too sure how that happens neither. There is honestly no knowing what they think or wether they even believe the things that they are saying
Cherry, you are one kick-ass woman. Managing everything you do while dealing with a difficult pregnancy? Amazing. I am behind on your stitch, and I'm sorry that I haven't been keeping up this last week. Know that I am out here, across the pond, pulling for you every single day.
I think that WSs are too involved in their own lives while in the thick of their crises to even really consider the wreckage they are leaving behind. Maybe someday they will figure it out, maybe not. It doesn't matter because it doesn't change a single thing that we need to do ourselves, which is to figure out a way to live our own lives to the fullest, either with or without them.
I understand that one would think that they'd at least be sensitive to their own children, but I think that this is all part of their crisis. They need to create distance from every part of their lives, including their own little ones, in order to go forward with what they are doing. It's sad, but all the more reason why it's important to take the focus totally off the WS and put it on what matters most - your family unit, be it a single unit, or an extended family unit (like myself), or a parent-child(ren) unit.
You are an amazing woman, Miss C. You've got this!
((((((((((Cherry))))))))))
I can't help but feel I'm in a bit of a hopeless situation. I don't have much to work with. Speaking with others and there db coaches suggestion to strike a friendship with their spouse; I did this the first time round when I was successful- I gave him glimpses of the woman he met- and I believe that brought us closer. Right now, it's all very seperate, there is zero interaction between us. He's rarely home, and if he is, it's usually a flying visit before he goes elsewhere. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern where we have no communication and lead completely seperate lives. Or is this where I should be? Surely there's no chance of reconciliation this way.
I know I should be taking the focus off him in the meantime and concentrate on myself, which I am. I'm keeping busy, I'm seeing people. I'm reading up to make sure I have better skills to listen and validate. I'm looking after myself the best that I can do.
I guess there is just some confusion in the air too, that he appears to want to get the d done as quickly as possible. But yet it seems he still doesn't have a place to move to. He says he's seen some places, but I don't think he has actually viewed any places.
Maybe I'm just trying to fix things that I can't.
Thank you phoebe for those nice words. I think I expect too much from myself, I think I seem to have it in my head that I should be completely cool about things and getting by while being a social butterfly and a kick a$$ mamasita. I think this goes hand in hand with working on myself, I need to cut me some slack and stop being my harshest critic.
You're right, any conversation he has is about "his happiness" and not "wasting his life anymore" or "ruin his life". That last one did hurt a little, it sounds like the kind of spew a teenager gives when he knocks up his high school gf. I know it's spew, but damn can some of his comments be harsh!
So I asked him today if he could look after s a while so I can get some things done. He said he would. He then asks for the m certificate, I know he needs this to file. So I said what for, he just ignored me. He didn't even look at me once.
He's just so cold, he's moving full pelt with this and before I know it, I'll be d. He hasn't even moved out and it just seems as though his priority is the d. I know this is so he can do what he likes and feel guilt free.
I don't know how to be in his company. I was upbeat for the few seconds he saw me, but he couldn't even look at me. He's just so shameless. Doing whatever the hell he likes. I went to my room and I've closed the door so I can cry a few tears. I'm contemplating taking the photos of me and him down. I just feel like that part of my life has been a lie, or as though it didn't even happen. He tells me that he is probably going to be there at my scan, that just feels rather bitter sweet, like he's going to be there because he feels obliged to, not because he wants to be.
I know I need to pull myself back up, and I will. And I'll have a pamper or go out for a while. But right now I just need to let this pain out and not bottle it up.
Exactly right, Cherry. Let it out. You are grieving and the worst thing you can do right now is to bottle up that pain. WH doesn't deserve to witness your vulnerability, but when you are out of his sight, just let it out.
((((((Cherry))))))
I'm just so damn angry with him. He said he would look after s for me so I can get some things done. Then he texts to say he's gone out to help a friend buy something. He left s on his own. I open my door to see him sat outside. I held back from texting in every swear word ever made at the fact he bailed after like an hour and left a toddler alone. I asked had he eaten, he said he hadn't. So angry and hurt. As soon as "a mate" needs something he's there, drops everything and everyone to be there.
He left your son at home alone?
OMG. Start documenting everything like this, Cherry. Leaving a toddler alone is neglect, at best, and endangerment at worst.
This isn't hurtful behavior, it is reckless and dangerous. I wouldn't trust him with your child.
He didn't leave him home alone, but he left him outside my bedroom door and text me as he was leaving so he didn't have to see or face me. But I can not trust him to take care of S properly
He didn't leave him home alone, but he left him outside my bedroom door and text me as he was leaving so he didn't have to see or face me. But I can not trust him to take care of S properly
Cherry, it [censored] that you're having to go through this. One way I'm getting through mine is by realizing that if this is the worst life has to throw at me, I can pretty much handle anything in my future. You have been and continue to be an extremely strong woman for putting up with all of this. Hang in there and know that we're all out here for you when you need us!
Cherry
As for giving WH stuff to read, I just want to face slap him with the whole pile of books.
My view is quite straightforward I do not hold with MLC, it's just selfish entitlement and a chance to go wayward. Big fat excuses for sheer willfullness and dipping the wick.
Until I die I won't get this selfishness towards their children, born and unborn. Cherry you are one amazing mum.
V
Thank lt0402, it is certainly a trying situation. He continues to act out like a spoilt child. Offered him dinner as it was cooked in bulk anyhow, he decides to get stroppy and say "no, it's not my food". I just left it there, I was not prepared to beg or plead. If he wants to act like a teenager, fine but don't bother me with those damn mood swings!
V, you and I both. How you can be so selfish and hurtful to your own child I just cannot understand. At all. Thank you for the compliment, I don't feel like I'm amazing but I'm trying my upmost to do my best and put them first no matter what. In my eyes, it's what a parent should do. I would kill to protect my child.
I can't believe you offered him dinner after what he did.
I would probably have replied to his text with a 'LOL - that's what I get for asking a toddler to look after a toddler.'
Cherry,
Don't worry about documenting this. It's worthless. It's NOT a blame game. You know this.
Just make sure your S feels loved. You do this, I know, fill the gaps he leaves. I want to call you H out but it's not the right thing to do.
All I can say is that YOUR feelings for him right now are holding YOU and your S back. I know this because I have lived pretty much exactly your life. I feel your pain and it is horrible. Please detach. Do you even know how to do this? Either you do and you are not, because the addiction of him is too strong, or you don't. Which is it Cherry?
Surfer.
I've read a lot about detaching. And when I'm busy and doing my own thing it does help. I think I'm just a bit addicted to him. I'm hurting, which I know everyone else here is.
I don't think it helps that he is in the house. It enables him to further hurt me, wether it's in the form of his spews or what he is up to. I don't know fully what it is, but I wish I could figure that out and get to work on it
Do not offer him food! Even if it is just extra... Don't do anything for him.
I don't believe in the being a friend. Would you be friends with someone that treats you that way? He doesn't deserve a thing from you. Carry on as if he's not there. That's how he wants it anyway. You're going to get to the stage where you're really done with his [censored]. I hope that's soon. Stay strong
Thanks T. I just didn't want to match his rude behaviour. Had my scan today. He came, we stayed in absolute silence, didn't say a single word. He watched intently at the screen, when it was done I gave him a photo, he gave it back saying he had no place to put it (your car maybe?!). I left it at that and told him he could go to work while I saw the consultant.
I guess he was there, but he wasn't. I didn't make the attempt to talk to him at all. The good news is I saw a healthy baby kicking about and having a great time. So now I can announce I'm pregnant to the world
yay
Yay Cherry, so glad everything is good with the baby!
I can't believe how unemotional he was during the scan! All I can think of is he has switched off his emotions in order to be able to go through with the D. Surely this must pull at his heartstrings?
Congratulations!!! Hope you start feeling better soon.
IThe good news is I saw a healthy baby kicking about and having a great time. So now I can announce I'm pregnant to the world
yay
Awesome news Cherry! Extremely happy for you!!!
Coly, lord knows what goes through a waywards mind, or what they need to tell themselves to justify their behaviour!
But I was especially psyched to see my baby doing well, kicking and putting on a show. I nearly cried at the relief of it all. I explained to the consultant when she asked about family support etc that my h was planning a d, she was also asking about taking me off my anti d's but when I explained what he was planning she quickly agreed that my doctor is right to keep me on them as they are reasonably safe and used throughout pregnancy. There's also some pre-natal ic's who can help me with some emotional support throughout too.
Felt all very real to be sitting making a birth plan, and seeing sonograms. Although I feel like birth plans can fly straight out of the window when Mother Nature takes over; it was just yet another future plan I have placed in motion (I like forward planning and lists! ). Tried to explain to s about the new baby brother or sister, not sure he understands, but we will get there! And it feels good that I can now tell everyone , and finally stop wearing floaty/peplum tops and showcase my little bump, told my colleagues and they were happy. They don't know the situation with wh, so he may get some awkward congrats. But hey, not my problem.
Going to focus all my energy into these children and get planning some more. Thinking I'm going to need to upgrade my car to one I can comfortably fit two baby seats in. But ideally need to see how the next few weeks/months pan out to know what financial leeway I have. I'm not the most clued up on cars, this is usually wh's speciality, but I have no doubt in my mind I can sort this out myself too and negotiate a good deal.
Just a quick drive by to see how my friend Cherry is doing. I still need to read up a bit, but saw that you dropped by me neck of the woods in here.
Have you been able to implement some of the information from the fear homework?
Are you ready for some more homework?
What are you working on for yourself to take the focus off of him?
To put it on you and your progress?
I'll swing back soon to check in.
(((((Cherry)))))
That's great Cherry, this little baba might be just what you need to take your focus off H and his circus! Let's see his many tantrums he can have now when there is no one to listen!
So pleased to hear that baby is doing well. I haven't much to say but I keep up with your posts and send you positive vibes and my love.
Take care of yourself Cherry
Thanks rouky, it was a relief for sure!
Coly, you're right. It was certain one of those moments that kinda wake you up and make me think "that's a real person in there". Sounds a bit stupid, but maybe I just don't believe my luck or maybe my focus has just been elsewhere. But while having that scan done- I didn't even really pay much attention to him. Whatever his thoughts or whatever, where exactly that. And the baby and just watching it intently was all that mattered to me.
SH, it was quite an awakener regarding fear. Realising that you know we really do cope with situations once we're in them. The fear is just irrational worry. I have a tendency to over think all of the what ifs. And the lady really spoke to me, the be the warrior not the worrier lady, and the fact that she conquers her fears by making a hobby out of one of her fears. And how she felt she had two personalities a confident work and then an introverted personal one. That spoke to me. I work in legal, I do many a presentation every day. I speak to the big bosses of a multinational company I work for, and I do it all without thinking twice. I come across as a strong confident business woman. But yet it's my attraction and addiction to one man that has me weak.
I am ready to do more homework!
Not seen h this evening, hasn't come home from work. And you know, tonight I'm feeling quite whatever. I'm not thinking where he is or what he is doing. No matter what I do or say he will walk his path. So in going to pick my sh!t up and get walking back along my own.
Yes I love him. Yes I would like him back. But not like this, I keep reminding myself of his current characteristics, the fact he doesn't respect me, doesn't cherish me. And his thoughts on family and his own child are not the marks of a good man in my eyes
Cherry,
I like the be the warrior not the worrier thing.
I also like the idea of a list of 10 reasons you don't like you WS and 10 reasons you love your S. I am going to do mine this morning.
On a positive note, besides the great news re-your baby, he came to the scan. That's positive. Okay, said nothing, didn't take the picture. In fairness, I didn't take the picture either I photographed it and put it on my phone screen saver. I also left for work at the consultant but. Not saying much other than there are some pretty normal things that happened that day.
Also, I have been reading up on old threads about how affairs do often just fall away. They are built on fantasy so often and the grass is not greener. Be the light house makes sense in that case. No point in looking like someone they wouldn't want to spent time with etc.
On the car front, what do you have currently? We changed ours to get a 4 door and mor recently I changed again. WW just raided the bank and decided she needed her own car - but that the WS for you isn't it....
Surfer.
Hey,
Havent had time to catch up with you.
Nothing much to offer, just virtual support. Hang in there!
Yeah I didn't mind the consultant part, I even told him he could go then. It was a lot of birth planning and waiting around. I guess a positive is he did go, miserable and saying nothing or not. He was there.
That's a good idea, I think I could easily produce that- and I think it helps. Im also trying to think of the d as just paperwork. That's all. And you're right, all I can be is the best me I can. So I'll have a good go at that and keeping me happy and healthy. Car wise, I've an Audi S3, fine at the moment, but a bit of a squeeze. H recently changed his to an Audi Q7 you know, a "family car" only he never takes any family out in it or our s. But like you say, that's the wayward for you. Plenty of space to carry his boys around!!
Thanks grl! I'm at work feeling a little less than glowing, but happily announcing my pregnancy and showing off my little bump! Keeping my head held high. Yes people may or may not know my personal life. But I've no shame.
Suggest you get something with boot space. You don't want to go smaller than a Golf for defo. A4 might be good even a saloon S3. Astra might work at a squeeze - IMHO. Particularly when you have 2 lots of toys, sleeping things clothes, nappy bags/pull up bags. Sterilizer, etc - the list is endless x 2!!! We had a meganne. It just about worked for hols - if I am honest, that was because my W was a very careful, tight packer. Very good at it - but didn't half bang on about it.....
Surfer.
I think the golf is similar to s3. I've debated a Q5, or a vw Tiguan. I'm not a big fan of vauxhalls tbh. The Kia Sportage is nice but I've no experience of driving Kia's. My audi's have always been super reliable, but I know they are part of Audi/skids/vw/seat.
I sound like quite the clarkson!!
Wrt being a good packer- that is never me. And leaving the house with baby/toddler, you have to be equipped for everything. I'd like to try and wangle car allowance from my job- but that would mean going for promotion, and although I'm hella good at my job- when I'm going on maternity in the next 5 months or so- that's a no go
Maybe I should downgrade wh to my s3 and take his q7!!
Did think of that
- bit vindictive though. Just get something big enough - second hand (2 yrs) and diesel. When it is looking like a skip inside and you are not on top of keeping it tidy (you wont be with 2, not all the time) it just becomes a cart horse for a while.
There's the option of second hand but then it'll need it's mot and servicing and all that jazz. But you are so right on the cart horse. I have never known mess like what a toddler can make in a car! Used to be spotless!
I'm behind again, Cherry, but just wanted to send you some support on this fine day!
(((((CHerry)))))
You've not missed a great lot to be honest phoebe. But thank you for the drive by
Had a very productive day, but very tired now. It was great to finally be able to announce to everyone that I was pregnant, and wear clothes that aren't super baggy to disguise my bump. There's a lot of guys I know who think very highly of me who work close to h. They gave me be congrats, and where surprised h hadn't told them- they said they would pass their congrats on when they see him. It was all super awkward tbh, but I was not ready to start telling everyone the ins and out of my MR. Besides, if he finds it uncomfortable that's his own issue.
What does irritate me is the fact he completely ignores me. It's like I'm not even in a room. He will chat happily to everyone else, his mom, neighbours, whoever. But me, he point blank ignores. It ignores me because I just feel it's a complete and utter disrespect. I don't know wether to just tell him that it grates on me and I do not like that level of disrespect. Or do I leave it and leave him?
Hi Cherry, so glad you can have a bit of happiness announcing your pregnancy to everyone. I wish maternity clothes were as nice 16 years ago as the are now! Have fun shopping, you will look gorgeous!!
I would love to be a fly on the wall when H's friends find out how he is treating his pregnant wife! I think that's when it will all hit the fan!
My mum tells me that, she tells me when she was pregnant it was all smocks. Tbh I was very fortunate with my first, I was mainly all bump so a size up from normal clothes would fit. But trousers and things are way comfier with the bump bands, and topshop do a great line, so my style shall not be compromised
so far so good, a neat little bump and still in my normal clothes.
Me too, a lot of these guys are family guys telling fond stories of their wives and kids. Others are single guys, who tell him he's on to a good thing and he's done well to get me. It's a bit shallow, but I know these guys are fond of me, so I know that when the truth comes out they won't be high giving him and condoning the behaviour. They will more likely ask him what the eff he is playing at.
But this isn't really my issue. I certainly was not prepared to keep my happy need to myself. I'm overjoyed to be carrying this baby, so I'm bursting with pride. I did well at holding my head up high and cracking on with my workload. I did feel like walking past ow with my head held high. But, again, the rumour mill shall take care. I've just got to keep me smiling and happy and these precious babies of mine happy.
Even though his silent treatment is bugging the hell out of me
Cherry,
He know the disrespect grates. I had exactly the same when we lived together. I think it's guilt, not being able to stand the pressure of what they have done. They blame you as they can't blame themselves. i.e. I hate you for making me look like a leper. Really they should be saying I am causing all this. But they can't. It's a bit like if you are I. A job you hate you always blame the job when you leave. Perhaps they just want to blame you - because they resent the mess they are in (yet they caused it).
So he know the disrespect is there. You can't tell someone you hate them, etc without feeling it. But it's the sitch. He created it. He needs to see it.
You just do exactly what you are doing and stay as detached and happy as you are. Try and get a bit more fun with S and friends - or go shopping g for a car!
Occupy your mind, keep it off what he is thinking, doing. What others might think etc. If you are just kind and happy you will be seen as that. If you stress and worry you will react and it will be used against you.
Just keep going! You are doing so well. We are all proud of you!
Surfer.
Thanks surfer. I resisted telling him. As I thought what will it achieve. I've told him before that I hate the disrespect, strangers are treated better by him. His friends certainly are. But it's as though I mean nothing.
Like you say, I guess it's the guilt. And the knowledge that they are putting us through pain. When he is in a spew fest he justifies this behaviour saying "I look at you and I just feel trapped". And if I'm on an angry day, I may just point the door out to him. I have a few things lined up for the next few days to keep me entertained, I'll see my best gf at the weekend, that's always nice. She never uses my anger to play the devils advocate of "oh just leave him". She just makes sure I am okay and have a smile on my face.
I shall do some car reviewing. It's not an absolute urgency right now but sometime soon. Then as the weeks go by, it will be shopping for baby things and rearranging my furniture so I can fit a crib in again.
H has been to view properties today. He complained to his mum how expensive they are. His problem. He has never lived alone before and has never been responsible for bills etc before. So let's see how he feels about expenses when he has to pay his cable bill, gas and electric, water, council tax, broadband, child Maintainance. Everything we have is because we have both worked hard TOGETHER. Life alone is expensive. But this is his path. His journey. His circus
I've told him before that I hate the disrespect, strangers are treated better by him. His friends certainly are. But it's as though I mean nothing.
This is what happens. But oddly, he may have felt this from you originally. My W, would be the nicest person to the gas man, or charity lady at the door. Almost on purpose. I asked her if she felt normally like that (nice) she said no, she normally felt how she was with me ans she was trying to put on a brave face. I didn't buy it. She also used to say I treated her terribly but was lovely to everyone else. OK - I might not have been listening when she nagged and moaned, but that's not abnormal - not helpful, but. She always was everything. Her and the kids. I have told her this but it's ultimately about what you show.
Yesterday when ranting, I validated saying I understand. She said "I have herd all this before - what is different", I said ultimately talk is cheap but I understand that you felt I distanced (to some degree I can understand this - not wanting to talk a lot in the evening when I get home, I didn't block, I just wanted a bit of space every now and then). I understand what distancing is. In fact I understand so much about relationship dynamics about what you are going through from things I have ready and listened to over the past couple of years or so. I also said, this is just talk though and you have to see change. I get that." What I didn't say is you are not coming back as you are though. I just left it all there.
H has been to view properties today. He complained to his mum how expensive they are. His problem. He has never lived alone before and has never been responsible for bills etc before. So let's see how he feels about expenses when he has to pay his cable bill, gas and electric, water, council tax, broadband, child Maintainance.
You are right. This will hit him financially. Depends on what he does and how he can gear up his earnings to feel as comfortable as before. If he can do that, he will most likely not feel financial pain but will feel the pain of his choices - leaving a cracking girl and lovely kids. The thing that will show him this will be the OW - when she turns into the nag and seeing you shining like a lighthouse. So my advice is this, don't focus on giving him pain (that's her job - and she will), focus on showing him you - the most perfect version of you (none of us are truly perfect - get as near as you can). You will flare in anger - but keep it controlled.
BTW that friend sounds perfect. Stick with her, the ones that don't get involved and are just there to listen and smile. Great.
Keep going your are doing great.
Surfer.
H has been to view properties today. He complained to his mum how expensive they are. His problem. He has never lived alone before and has never been responsible for bills etc before. So let's see how he feels about expenses when he has to pay his cable bill, gas and electric, water, council tax, broadband, child Maintainance. Everything we have is because we have both worked hard TOGETHER. Life alone is expensive. But this is his path. His journey. His circus
First of all, I admire how you are handling yourself with such dignity and grace.
Second of all, the financial aspect is interesting and it does hit some harder than others. I know for my W all she does is complain and say things like "how were we even surviving!?!" She clearly doesn't understand how much a second income helps and now that she's on her own it's a struggle. But as you say, that's their journey.
I really do admire you and enjoy keeping updated on your sitch.
Thanks surfer. The silences were something he would do in the m, especially after work. When I would ask him about it, he would just say that he can be himself in front of me. I don't know how much of this is truth.
Yeah you're right, I have no doubt she wil start to show her true colours and give him some grief! I highly doubt there is any way he can ramp his income up to what would match my salary, so he is going to feel the financial strain. He may also realise that living on your own isn't all that, the novelty of peace and quiet wears off extremely fast. And I can't imagine not seeing my child in the mornings and night time.
Thanks for the support and drive by maybs. I know, it's as though they have just blocked out all the hard work it took to get there. It took me and wh years to be able to afford nice cars, house and be comfortable. He has forgot the struggle that was involved in all of this, but we worked together like a couple should do.
Cherry,
They are blind to reality. That's all I can add.
Very sad.
Surfer.
It's all about them now, and their own self-absorption. WH and I saved and scrimped for decades to be able to have the security we have now, yet he is perfectly happy to throw it away piecemeal to a herd of lawyers, on trips, on whatever strikes his fancy at the moment, with no regard to how long it took to get here. Never mind that he's willing to spend half of our total savings just to buy his way out of our M! My frugal, financially responsible H was abducted by aliens, who left behind this WH shell as some kind of stand-in.
Hang in there Miss Cherry! It is definitely his loss and he is a fool. He's not the man you married, that's for certain.
Yeah surfer and phoebe, they're blind to reality and self absorbed at no matter what cost.
I've felt so tired all day long today, just absolutely drained! Managed to get a few things that needed doing done so that's good. Had yet more vivid dreams last night, they would all involve catching wh cheating on me. So not pleasant at all. They felt so damn real too, I'd wake up feeling both hurt and angry.
Just riding the waves of these emotions.
Thanks V.
Another bit of an exhausting day and night. Again he didn't come home from work, still hasn't. Nor does he bother to let me know anymore. Struggled with vomitting and calming down s who was saying "daddy's gone" over and over and wouldn't sleep. Finally got him off to sleep.
Just feels exhausting. I'm so hurt by his lack of caring, like I do not, nor have ever meant anything to him. And I guess, yes, I do have a lot of jealously of the ow- because she has all his attention. She has him caring for her when he used to care for me. It's just all way too hurtful.
Oh Cherry, you and S deserve better. You are a great mom doing all that you do. I can't know what you are going thru but I am with you in this when needed.
Thanks buxom. I need to get to a place where I'm not bothered by any of this. I just feel like I'm too attached to the he that he was and grieving the loss of my m.
I hear you. We are both grieving the loss of M and our future we planned.
Takes two to make a R and one to destroy it.
I read the Lighthouse story each day and try to keep to my self improvements. It is difficult to do on days when they interfere with some comment or silence or whatever the next obstacle is. I'm working thru my codependent stuff but it's going to take a long time before I'm able to not respond to his emotions and moods.
Cherry,
Don't be jealous of the OW, she has gotten a pod person and not your H. This man is not the man you married, he is some invaded creature who wouldn't even recognize himself if his past self was brought into the now.
Remember that even if the divorce goes through it doesn't mean anything but a report to the state. It can be changed back in the future and you will call the shots then! If you can get a maternity massage, I always wanted one of those but never got one. So please get one and report back so I can live vicariously through you, lol!
Cherry, Sara is exactly right. OW has gotten a poor facsimile of the man you thought you knew. Right now he is no prize. Maybe that man still exists, and maybe not. Only time will tell.
Here's the things, though - You wouldn't want him back in his current inconsiderate, selfish, self-absorbed, crappy-parent state right now, regardless.
Ask yourself a very serious question: If you met your WH in a singles setting and heard his story and witnessed his attitude toward another woman, would you think you wanted to share your life with and raise a family with this person, or would you be thinking you should run as fast and as far away as possible?
Right now WH is toxic, and he has lot of work to do to get the poisons out of his system.
You, however, are rising above his red tide, and learning to not only survive, but to thrive without him. You won't feel it every minute, but slowly you will get there.
We all will.
Cherry,
Great advice from the ladies. From a mans perspective you are a real prize of a mum and lady. Don't you forget that!
Very proud of you. Keep going.
Do you want to move out really, find your own place? How will you justify this - "you left me no choice?". That's what my WW said, to justify her moving out. Can you afford it? What help will you get in terms of state help?
Mmmmm Your choice. But let him feel the pressure and go. You stay in that house. Once you go, you can move back, but I bet he will move the OW straight in.
Just thoughts! Apologies, a bit more practical today, don't stress over the house, just think calmly. No knee jerks please! Focus, make the right choices.
Surfer.
Ooh yes, just to chime in here. Believe me, neither your H or OW win any kind of prize if they end up together. It's very much a wooden spoon situation and both would likely come to realise that in time.
You're doing so well Cherry and I'm glad to hear the scan went well. Take your time with the house situation and be governed by your practical and business side - best interests of you and little ones.
Xx
Don't have much to give at the moment Cherry but sending lots of positive vibes and hugs...
be governed by your practical and business side
This is great advice from Sotto.
I am going to treat my WW discussions as business meetings going forward. See what happens!!1
Surfer.
Thank you all for the support. It means so much to me to have you guys here so when I feel a bit down. Rather than spew at him, I can document it here and get it out and seek advice and support.
Did I indicate that I was wanting to move? If I did I mustn't have wrote something clearly, or I was having a moment. I'm not planning on leaving the house, as painful as it can be knowing he is looking to do that, he can move for sure. Wrt him moving, I go through two kind of emotions. On the one side, it hurts, it feels like the end of an era, that it is the end and there's the chance he may never come back. And on the other side, I feel like I would be more relaxed as there isn't the risk of constantly bumping into him and being reminded of him. For example when he gets dressed to go out, and I admit I do physically find him attractive- I know other women will think that too. So it's just a bit painful to see that and then when he leaves, thinking where is he going dressed like that. Or the fact that he only returned at 2am this morning home from work. If he isn't in the house, I will be oblivious to this behaviour. And there is the chance that he will start realising the consequences of his actions faster if he is left to fend for himself!
You are all right, she has got the prize of a bad man. A liar, a cheat, a manipulator, a man with no values, a man with no respect. A lousy father, an even worse h, and a man who his own mother is ashamed of. And yes, if when I met him I had heard any of these things about him- and if I found out he had a w that he was planning on leaving who is pregnant with his child. I would have ran for the hills. That is not the kind of man I would be attracted to. What I liked about him was his values, and that it seemed to me that his morals and values matched with mine, that m is for life and that no matter what, family comes first.
Link to new thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701429&#Post2701429You're all welcome to join me over there. And I thank you all so much for the continued support. It makes such a difference