Hi all ,
I'm new here and struggling. My husband admitted in June 2015 that he had been in an affair for some time (approximately 2 yrs). We agreed to work on the marriage. I'm a Christian and love him so much and thought we could get through the betrayal.
In October he walked out with no warning whatsoever. I was devastated . I signed up for Michelle's telephone Coach and tried to GAL. In January he said he wanted to come back and work on the marriage. At this time our lives were derailed by our daughters drug addiction completely. Insanity and chaos was our daily life. The OW asked him to come back at the end of June 2016 and he said he loves her and wants a divorce.
A few weeks later she threw him out because he has not filed for divorce and I said since we are paying for this household and can't really afford two homes that he could move into the spare room. I left town for a week and she asked him back the day before I returned. Because he is always calling and coming around I wondered if I should try to do no contact.we have things to do with our lives and must communicate but should I limit it as much as possible? I also own "The divorce Remedy " if anyone has any idea how I can help. I am so tired of hurting . 😔💕
I'm sorry about your situation. That's a lot to deal with. What did your coach say to do?
Luv
I can see why you are struggling.
There are a few core issues.
What is the drugs issues with your D? Might need to give some history here. This needs tackling. Depending on how serious this might be the most important issues.
In terms of his R with OW. Not hat solid really. She kicked him out because he had not filed??? I guess she doesn't love home for better or worse then! I can't see a lot of longevity there.
In trims of him always calling and coming round; he is temp checking I believe.
Time to detach. Read Cadets link on this. His OW actions show we always want what we can't have. She pulled away, he went back....
Just opinion I am be no means a guru here. They will come.
Stay strong and try to detach from him. Stop being a puppet, his actions are making you react. Start by cutting the strings he holds to your feelings. He has not right to control how you feel. Stop letting him.
Surfer.
She said I was doing well with trying to keep interaction light and friendly. He comes by often and I was wondering if I should try to be less available. This is hard without sounding contrived since he knows my schedule so well.I get the feeling that he can cake eat as long as I am available to fill his needs.
Luv1589 - you need to create a space for yourself to be calm in. If you can, tell H that he can only come to the house if he gives you advance notice and try to let his calls go to voice-mail so that you can deal with them when you are able to do it calmly.
You're in our prayers - sending healing your way. Be strong.
Surfer thanks!
The problem with our daughter is ongoing and a nightmare. ATM she is in a psych hospital but may be discharged at any time. I'm sure this has been a part (large) of his running away. The stress and turmoil has been enormous. She was finally told by me August 6th that she had used up all her second chances when she had a drug dealer at my house while I was sleeping and used Meth. I'm stronger than him at telling her no.
When the other woman kicked him out and he was here he let her in again.After I left for out of town she got put back in A psych unit and then they discharged her and she ended up in another psych unit that night . She has been abusing methamphetamine and it has made her mentally ill. She has been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic with delusions .
Dear Andrew,
Thanks for your support ! You may be right I am entirely too available when he calls .
I will try to let it go to voicemail , he said he loves me and wants to help me find a place to buy and so we are having interactions . Since I quit my job June 1 to look after our daughter I would in no way qualify for the mortgage without his income .
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Hugs to you! Sounds like a nightmare.
If I were you, I'd consider doing the 180. Sounds like your husband knows you are always going to be there, and so you are his back up plan while he is off with OW. Let him know you are moving on... Find a hobby, join a class... You say he knows your schedule, so maybe mix it up a bit to keep him on his toes.
Dear Andrew,
I will try to let it go to voicemail , he said he loves me and wants to help me find a place to buy and so we are having interactions . Since I quit my job June 1 to look after our daughter I would in no way qualify for the mortgage without his income .
Luv1589 - Welcome, I am glad you came here for support. This is a great place. Some of those whom have already answered you have been of tremendous assistance to me. I quoted you above. If I read that right, please tell me you are not considering buying property w/ a man who is stepping out and has actively left you for an OW twice? Stop that. Don't do that. Please elaborate on your thinking here...????And then no, the answer is no.
Next, you spend five minutes with my tag name in this place, you will find my open honesty about being a recovering narcotics addict. I will tell you this as it pertains to your story above. Yeah, the stress of your daughter using - that may have been a contributor to your WH's stress or a contribution for his behavior - it is not the cause. Also, the drugs did not make your D mentally ill. I promise you that. Addiction is a mental illness in and of itself and usually a predisposition from other mental illnesses. I assure you, I know what I am speaking about - 26 years of drug abuse, 4 years of serious addiction, I am not a joke on this matter.
Your D and your H are not related. Do not allow yourself to excuse or blame on for the other. If forced to choose, I would suggest you focus time on saving your daughter. Thats all I got for now. I want you to know, we all are here to help. Do the reading.
Dear Cadet,
Wow!! Thanks for the Enormous amount of resources you offered and the warm welcome.
I stepped out for a few hours for a divorceCare group at my church and I am so overwhelmed at the kind responses. I do own Divorce Remedy and also bought a few sessions with a coach. I'm trying to work on my issues as I know the marriage decline did not occur without both sides.I will keep reading and posting.Thanks!!
Dear Mombear,
Thanks for your post! I'm going to be a little more unavailable,although he does know my schedule I will have to shake it up a little.Mostly when I get out he knows I am at church or with the kids. LOL
Dear CT1118,
Thanks for your support! Yes I know the difference between the mental illness and addiction illness,but that said she has been a drug addict for years and able to function to a large degree. The Meth is what has destroyed her mental health. She has suffered with some amount of anxiety always which is why her drug of choice was always opiates. I am very seriously planning to buy a home with him as I want to leave here where we have been renting.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Dear Cadet,
Wow!! Thanks for the Enormous amount of resources you offered and the warm welcome.
I stepped out for a few hours for a divorceCare group at my church and I am so overwhelmed at the kind responses. I do own Divorce Remedy and also bought a few sessions with a coach. I'm trying to work on my issues as I know the marriage decline did not occur without both sides.I will keep reading and posting.Thanks!!
Good morning !
Still trying to figure out how "dark" I should go since I have been far too available.
Thanks for your support and have a great day!
Luv1589 - One very important thing that I learned here and it may sound like tough words to you but you may need to hear them. Your old marriage is over. It has been broken into pieces. You are still holding many of the pieces but probably have no idea if H is holding any.
You can use those pieces and new ones that he will have to make and ones that you make together to build a new MR on the ashes of the old, but it will take commitment and hard work.
It seems that at present that H has no interest in doing his part. You can't build the whole thing yourself but you can build yourself. Making yourself stronger for you and your family is your first priority right now.
It's buried in some of the reading you've been assigned as "homework" but most people here feel that it is necessary for your H to feel the "loss". The loss of your MR and the loss of you. Presuming you aren't OK with being his having a third person in your M then you need to make that abundantly clear to him. If he can't decide between you and OW then perhaps he needs to go into a neutral corner until he does know. You're not rejecting him, you are giving him space to find himself and complete his own journey. You can create that "loss" by "detaching" - by withdrawing those things that you as a loving wife have been providing to him. You can still treat him with courtesy and respect but if he's not going to be a H to you, you need to try to stop being a W (if it's cookies let us know - doodler and I both love cookies as does darknes - double-chocolate for him I believe). Going dark is a bit farther along that path. It shows that you have moved on with your life and don't need him any more and you don't need him to see your light but you can still let that light shine brightly.
Speaking of light, some of the reading you've been assigned as well includes the "lighthouse" story which is personally an inspiration for me on my own journey. I tend to tell jokes when I'm under stress or nervous so it should be no surprise when I also mention the version of that which I read which was titled "be a lighthouse and not a tugboat".
Good luck - this is going to take a lot of work.
Sending you good thoughts.
Hi Luv,
Wow, what a tough spot to be in. I can't offer any advice on how to deal with your D but I can share my thoughts on dealing with your WH.
You need to come down and come down hard on him. You not only need to go dark but actually pitch black. You need to move straight the the last resort technique in the book. You need to completely cut him off from your life (except for taking care of your D) so long as he is going to treat you this way. He needs to choose. Its either you or the OW. He can't have both. Right now, you are allowing him to come and go as he pleases and that's not cool. You deserve better than this.
You need to 180, GAL and detach. You need to emotional divorce him. You need to see that your M has died and start finding out how to live your life without him. I know this sounds harsh and counter intuitive but THIS is exactly how you will have a chance at saving your M. He needs to show that he is willing to completely end his R with OW and go 100% NC. Only then can you consider working on your M.
Dear CT1118,
I am very seriously planning to buy a home with him as I want to leave here where we have been renting.
Luv1589,
When I read that your WH offered to buy a home for you to live in, it made me think that he is making it even more difficult for you to leave him. I personally think this is a bad bad bad idea, I understand the desire to leave where you are, but I think that purchasing a home at this time will limit your choices in the future. I'm not saying you should or will leave him, I'm just saying that it's not a bad thing for him to realize you'll be alright without him and might leave him. If he knows your stuck, it will prevent him from feeling the loss of you.
Dear Andrew ,
Thank you so very much for your kind support ! I have been reading all the links that cadet gave me, in fact stayed up way too late reading them LOL. I think you are entirely correct in that the old marriage is destroyed and dead. Whether or not there will be a marriage in the future remains to be seen . I am at the moment trying very hard to focus on working on my issues . I have tons of time as I have never been alone in my life and I don't have a job right now. Many hours to fill trying hard not to Let them be filled with pain.H has said that he wants a divorce and while he does at times seem ambivalent I do believe him. I'm not convinced
That focusing on the OW isn't useful as she may just have been a convenient Segway out of the home situation . Regardless of where he ran to, he was running from this relationship . I have over the past year indulged in some pretty crazy behavior but today I am in a much closer to acceptance stage . I'm not saying I am not hurting as I had thought we were going to grow old together and now I am in position i'll be 57 years old and alone . After 32 years of marriage and allowing myself to become far too isolated and dependent on my family dynamics I am now utterly and completely alone .
Dear LiM,
Thanks so very much for the advice ! I had a gut feeling that I was allowing myself to be too available and friendly . He is always coming by and calling and saying he can help me sort through the transition : sorting & packing our things tending to small projects that are needed, bringing lunch etc... (I don't cook) . Since I do love him and miss him while it is odd having him "visit " it is also very comforting . Although I have to agree with you it is probably smarter to stop .
Dear coconut,
Thanks so much for your post. He is already living with OW and I am here alone in the place we have been renting . Due to the problems with our daughters drug addiction and the sketchy people we have decided moving somewhere is the best choice . He is not living here but will be helping me move to the new home. We are trying to find a home that would be inexpensive as our current rent is and I would also have the tax write off.
Since I am currently out of a job he knows I cannot financially move on in any fashion.
i'll be 57 years old and alone . After 32 years of marriage and allowing myself to become far too isolated and dependent on my family dynamics I am now utterly and completely alone .
Luv1589 - that's what I thought too at 52. It turns out that I'm wrong and you're wrong. You have good friends through your church and your children. Don't make the same mistake that I did though and talk about your situation with them. Go to them to add them to the brightness you need in your life.
Even if you don't feel like being around people, go to the park, to the library to let the world experience Luv1589 and you to experience the world.
PS - Anyone who reads my own threads if you are reading this - please stop shaking your head - I'm doing the best I can to follow my own advice <smile>.
Dear Andrew,
I have been trying my best , putting 1 foot in front of the other and going to church and groups at church as well as a one-week trip To visit our son in California. All the while on some days I don't feel like even getting out of my pajamas LOL I'm lucky my son,his wife and our two Grandbabies live Very close and they came over Sunday for dinner and a movie .
Hi all !
Just wanted to post a question. Since I am living alone due to husband moved out with
OW I have been thinking about going through things and purging and packing since we are looking to move me out of where we have been living.
I have a big problem with moving ( deep psychological scars )
The last time we moved my husband did most of the work .
One of the issues our marriage has suffered from is that I have too much clutter .
Because of these things purging / packing could be viewed as a healthy thing for me to accomplish on my own.
However it could also be Viewed by him as an attempt for me to drive him back into the
marriage.
Any thoughts or feedback or experience would be greatly appreciated ! !
Because of these things purging / packing could be viewed as a healthy thing for me to accomplish on my own.
However it could also be Viewed by him as an attempt for me to drive him back into the
marriage.
I wouldnt worry about the stuff in bold. H is going to "view" anything you do through his own lens to fit his own story.
What do YOU want to do about your things?
Hello Luv1589,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in and that your daughter is struggling so much.
It is going to sound like there is an echo around here. He is certainly temperature checking to be sure you are still an option as plan B. I'm guessing it makes him feel better that he is helping you so he feels less guilt due to him leaving your marriage.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to schedule another session with your DB Coach.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Hi all !
Just wanted to post a question. Since I am living alone due to husband moved out with
OW I have been thinking about going through things and purging and packing since we are looking to move me out of where we have been living.
I have a big problem with moving ( deep psychological scars )
The last time we moved my husband did most of the work .
One of the issues our marriage has suffered from is that I have too much clutter .
Because of these things purging / packing could be viewed as a healthy thing for me to accomplish on my own.
However it could also be Viewed by him as an attempt for me to drive him back into the
marriage.
Any thoughts or feedback or experience would be greatly appreciated ! !
Threads merged - please stick to one thread until 100 posts.
As far as your changes - my suggestion is to make them for YOU, because you want to do them, not to try to win your husband back.
So if you are doing the de-clutter for YOU - it does not matter what he thinks.
Dear darknes,
Deep down I would be happier with less clutter but it has always been very difficult for me as I am always struggling with " pack rat" type feelings. I am in no way like an episode of "hoarders " but I always have fought a tendency to clutter . My husband on the other hand would gladly live with four white walls and a bed. LOL this was always a cause of friction in the marriage.
Dear Cristy,
Thanks for your support,I think you are correct. I will need to read DR again but it is sometimes hard to apply all of it to this unique situation .
Dear Cadet,
Hi! I wondered why I couldn't find the post LOL . Now I know. As far as the decision to spend time (I have lots) energy (not so much) I guess I figured it would give me something productive to do even though it is so hard for me. I have even thought of trying to find someone to assist .
Dear Cristy,
Thanks for your support,I think you are correct. I will need to read DR again but it is sometimes hard to apply all of it to this unique situation .
Hi Luv1589,
Yes, reading DR again is a good idea. Your DB Coach would be an excellent resource on how to apply it to your unique situation.
Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 and we can get a session scheduled for you.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Hi all, today I went to Home Depot and picked up some packing supplies and brought up a box of books to sort from the garage. How much actual progress I make will probably show how much it is for me . :-)
Hi all,
Just updating, Ignored WAH phone calls but did respond to txt re: daughter in hospital.
Found myself waiting all day for him to call or come by . Grrr. I hate my behavior. :-(
Trying to make activities,sigh... I went to Home Depot and picked up boxes for packing
But I just feel so lost and untethered I've never been so lonely in my life .
Luv1589 - we're all here cheering for you. Packing up our spouse's things is difficult. I cried for 10 minutes straight when I took our wedding photo off of my home office desk. Take your time and breathe. For me, I find the boxes of WW's stuff piled up for her to take a good sign of detachment, that I'm letting her and that stuff go.
Hugs to you.
Dear Andrew,
Thanks so much for the post. It's good to know that I don't live completely alone since there are kind kindred spirits like you. I managed to sort through a couple boxes and then found one that was entirely his books , pretty hard to believe since I am the reader but mostly they were sentimental from his mother and grandmother . I was not excited as that meant I had to carry it Back to the garage. LOL . Take care I hope you are doing well . :-)
Good Evening all, (here in SW US anyway)
I worked really hard to go through things,mostly books.Took 4 large boxes to Goodwill and DIL came over also to sort the spare room closet which was a disaster! She was a huge help and between our efforts got a lot done.However my back is killing me. I saw my husband,He was supposed to be visiting our daughter so I met him to give him some clothes for her. I'm not doing well at distancing as he is coming over tomorrow,some things I do think maybe we could do by phone but not sure,simply too tired to think.
I hope everyone is doing well,will check in tomorrow.:-)
Hello Luv1589,
It has been a while since you posted. Would you please update us on what is happening currently?
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004