Hi all
I'd like to share my story so as to get some help.
My wife and I were married in 93, then 3 years into our marriage I discovered that my wife was having an affair, immediately she stopped the affair, I was 26 and really couldn't properly process or deal with what had happened-I was in shock and my wife was extremely remorseful. Because I kept it secret from family and friends I really had to stumble my way through the healing process on my own.
Soon come the kids with all the busyness that goes with raising two boys, life just seemed to speed up- meanwhile I'm still trying to "get over" the affair. The way I dealt with it was to say some horrible things to my wife at times and other times just go quiet on her, as the years passed the pain slowly disappeared and I hardly thought about the affair anymore....I was happy.
Sadly, no sooner did I get to this point when my wife one day came into our bedroom sat on the bed as I lay there and says "I don't know how I feel about you anymore" , it was like a knife in the heart, I pleaded with my wife to give us a chance and she agreed. I lifed my game as a husband. This was in 2007 and I thought things were going well up until June 2014 when she said that she tried to feel the way a wife should feel towards a husband but just didn't work. Says she wants a divorce, sits boys down and tells them marriage is over.
This is when things really get ugly :-(, I fall into a depression, operating robotically, my oldest son midway through final year of high school becomes angry with his mum and assaults her on a few occasions,I try desperately to keep him cool but he just couldn't deal with what was happening. My wife's psychologist calls the police and my son gets charged. I should have moved him out to my mums in order to keep my wife safe but at the time everything was happening so quickly and on each occasion I was at work.
By this stage my wife rents an apartment, moves out and is extremely angry with me for not protecting her.
Now on top of everything ,we had an upcoming court hearing! At the court hearing my son received a warning with no criminal conviction. Unfortunately what my son had done together with my inability to protect my wife seemed to put the final nail in the marriage coffin.
It was over a year since my wife moved out , my oldest son not talking to his mum and I had given up all hope of a reconciliation when my wife showed signs that she may be interested in trying again, I had a stupid expectation that she needed to "fight hard for our marriage" , wanting to do regular dinners and things to move quickly,I didn't understand her enough to be patient and let things go slow. She got spooked and backed off.
I then stumble upon this site and have been reading different threads, so sad that I didn't find you wonderful people mid 2014. I have learned so much... The fact that I CAN GAL, the FREEDOM of detachment and the accomplishment of doing 180's. Michelle's Divorce Remedy book has helped so much.
Apart from these things which are great for me with or without my wife I still don't know how to approach her, should I go with no contact? I just don't know how to proceed from here, what my next move should or shouldn't be.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Ps sorry for long post and if its incoherent, very late in Australia
S
Hi Tony -
Welcome to divorcebusting.com!
You have already figured out that the expectation that your wife fight hard for your marriage was unrealistic.
There is always time to use hard line behaviors - save them for now. Of course you don't want to jump headfirst into pursuing her, but test the waters (by initiating something small). Alternately you can wait a bit before testing the waters. Waiting and being passive does seem to be 'more of the same' behavior from you as I read in this first post.
The most important thing you can do is to take care of your depression. Then, ensure your living situation is a safe one with regards to your son and your family. Then read everything you can on this site about 180s that work. The things that will be most effective for you are the things that blow her stereotype of you. Look for clues in your past- what were you doing and saying when she first fell in love with you?
Keep posting look into the resources on this site for more information. Keep posting and you will get a lot of support from wonderful people who have been or are currently in your shoes.
Thank you Sg,
After reading so much about no contact unless absolutely necessary, I dived into that these last couple of weeks- and that came after much pursuing.... I just didn't want my wife to think I don't care. I suppose what's need is a healthy balance of the two with constant loving detachment. Would that be fair to say?
Welcome aboard, Tony. I read your post, and it sounds as if your family has suffered a lot of emotional pain. Affairs not only wreck a marriage, but it affects everyone in the family.
Are you legally divorced?
It was over a year since my wife moved out , my oldest son not talking to his mum and I had given up all hope of a reconciliation when my wife showed signs that she may be interested in trying again, I had a stupid expectation that she needed to "fight hard for our marriage" , wanting to do regular dinners and things to move quickly,I didn't understand her enough to be patient and let things go slow. She got spooked and backed off.
What do you mean she
showed signs that she "may" be interested in trying again? Was there actually a conversation about reconciliation? Did she bring up the subject......or were you pursuing her?
Who was wanting to do regular dinners and things to move more quickly? You or your wife?
I got lost from the point of where you said you had expectations that she should fight hard for the marriage.......to the point of her getting spooked and backed off. Can you answer my questions, or explain your last paragraph again, please?
I am glad you read DR. I think you will get a lot of support here if you post often. The more information you share about your relationship and interactions with your wife, the more it will help us understand.
Your marriage can be saved, Tony. There needs to be a lot healing and guidance for everyone in this family. Do not get into a hurry for her to move back in with you. Take it very slowly and get professional family therapy. You don't want this pain repeated.
Thank you Sg,
After reading so much about no contact unless absolutely necessary, I dived into that these last couple of weeks- and that came after much pursuing.... I just didn't want my wife to think I don't care. I suppose what's need is a healthy balance of the two with constant loving detachment. Would that be fair to say?
'No contact unless absolutely necessary' is related to the last resort technique (LRT), which may not fit your case. The LRT is one of the 180s usually when nothing else is working.
Besides spooking your wife, you were expecting too much from your wife, that might not be hers to do. Obviously there is a lot you haven't talked about. And obviously no one online here can tell you what you should do (but we will
). At first glance you are the one owing change and fight to your wife. Your affair of 20 years ago is not in play now, and if you are holding onto resentment, you need to let it go.
Of course in 20 years there is more to it than that. And if your anger lead to behaviors from 2007 to 2014 that made here want to move out, you must not repeat those behaviors if you want her back. If you're were abusive, you need to make sure it isn't going to happen again (working with someone professionally who is trained specifically with abusers). Likewise with her.
If you still have serious things to work on, go with no contact until you are centered. If you are in a good place, test the waters. Have coffee with her just to chat/catch up with no pressure.
Btw--as you may have seen, sandi2 is a long-timer, a success story with great advice for both men and women. It's great that you caught her attention.
Hi Sandi,
So great to hear from you, you help so many here. It really is your ministry.
We aren't divorced at this stage. My wife engaged a lawyer over a year and half ago and let me know what her demands are in terms of property settlement, I, right or wrong have always said that if she were to go down the route of settlement that I would let go and move on...she put it on hold. Because she did I pursued but not in a graceful, patient way, rather a needy desperate spirit, we went out 3-4 times, on the last occasion we end up in an argument, mainly due to my impatience ( great movie, but didn't help that I had watched War Room! Wanted my wife to fight in that fashion)
Sandi, truth is my wife is a good woman, she likes to be truthful, when she expressed that she found it hard to love me she did in a gentle way not wanting to hurt me. I believe she REALLY DOES want to love me but doesn't now how to bring feelings back....I finally understand that.
Unfortunately my sons reaction took us on an unforeseen path.
Twice my wife has said, in tears, " why did you have to tell your family" about our problems even though I did many months later ( I still haven't told them about the affair 20 years ago) only 1 close mutual friend. The reason I mention this Sandi is because my wife cut ties with all my family and all our friends she feels that everyone is siding with me and because she is concerned with what everyone thinks of her I believe this is a MASSIVE road block to coming back. She has said that " l wish I hadn't said anything in the beginning" so sad.
Current status is I do believe there is hope however with a huge mountain to climb, she could easily settle the property and move on especially give the fact that she really needs the money but she hasn't. She is moving into a new rented unit this week so said she really needs space to take care of that and to think. I offered to help her but said that its all sorted. Just giving her that space now.
God bless you Sandy for pouring out of yourself for others
Thank you sg
My wife and I were together since 1989, then in 1990 I, in a dramatic way(long story) became a Christian, my wife came along but didn't have the same enthusiasm as I did, I came from a rough drug taking life style and I was just so happy at what God had done in my life, yet I was still young and ignorant.
The church we were saved into was an ultra conservative Pentecostal church where women did not cut hair at all, no make up, no jewellery, only long dresses but my wife goes along with it but tries to express how she disagrees, how do I respond? " can't you just get with the program? All the other girls do! then in 93 we get married, off course no dancing at our wedding " because you only dance as unto the Lord" and this for a the girl who always loved to dance even as a little girl in her "spinning dress"
All this together with my lack of true love for the real her led her to fall into the affair... I get it. In 97 we finally left and joined a church more suited to us.
Just thought I'd share that so you could understand my wife's affair wasn't just a girl gone wild thing.
Thank you sg
My wife and I were together since 1989, then in 1990 I, in a dramatic way(long story) became a Christian, my wife came along but didn't have the same enthusiasm as I did, I came from a rough drug taking life style and I was just so happy at what God had done in my life, yet I was still young and ignorant.
The church we were saved into was an ultra conservative Pentecostal church where women did not cut hair at all, no make up, no jewellery, only long dresses but my wife goes along with it but tries to express how she disagrees, how do I respond? " can't you just get with the program? All the other girls do! then in 93 we get married, off course no dancing at our wedding " because you only dance as unto the Lord" and this for a the girl who always loved to dance even as a little girl in her "spinning dress"
All this together with my lack of true love for the real her led her to fall into the affair... I get it. In 97 we finally left and joined a church more suited to us.
Just thought I'd share that so you could understand my wife's affair wasn't just a girl gone wild thing.
Hi Tony -
I've seen a fair amount of life and there is no judgment here with what either of you have or haven't done or will do. Many of us have a convoluted path to get to our best selves -- we often get there and leave it and come back again. The beauty is - you're in there trying or you wouldn't be here.
I have faith you two will work this out.
Create the path back to your family for her. It isn't easy, but you're right, it's probably necessary. Btw, she will love the strong man in you for working that out.
There are probably people here that have been through it - likely even sandi2, she's pretty darn wise.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It is what I normally call homework
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thanks Sg
Nice to know, too many bruises from beating myself up
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks Cadet, appreciate all the help
Hi Sandi
If you have time, could you look at the response to your post and give me your thoughts?
Thanks
I appreciate your kind words & encouragement.
Also, thanks for sharing about the church, and her resistance in supporting some the things that church believes sets you apart, outwardly, from the secular world. After moving to another church, could you see any outward evidence that she was growing spiritually, or was she about the same? I don't know if part of her rebellion began in the first church, but if she felt pressured by any of the members.....and especially by you, I could see her keeping that resentment.
Anyway, getting away from the spiritual side for a bit..........what has been done to help your son with his anger issues? If he still feels so angry at her, don't you think their R needs to be in a better place, before you start trying to draw her back into the MR?
Is he attending anger management, and IC?
I think I may have already mentioned how important this family needs the help of a qualified family therapist.
I just encourage you to not apply pressure to your W. if she felt pressure by the church, and pressure by you........it could have easily affected her feelings toward you and the MR. It may be what is holding her back, and not wanting to submit to any authority that tells her what to do. Know what I mean?
I have to stop here, but keep posting and I'll return.
Thanks Sandi,
Relationship between my wife and son is definitely a major issue, besides the pain it's causing my wife I know it can't be healthy for a son to have no relationship with his mum, I did send him to see a psychologist, he went weekly for about 2 months then stopped, he isn't in the same place as he was almost 2 1/2 years ago, I just can't see him lashing out as he did back then. Only way I can describe that period of time before my wife moved out is that it felt like we were living in a tornado, the boys and I could not believe what was happening, oldest son was in a state of shock, he's just not there anymore, I constantly encourage him to reach out to his mum. While his anger was concerning, they were low grade assaults, the judge was quite tough on the police prosecutor for allowing the matter to get to court, she felt that a warning would have been sufficient,so the matter was thrown out of court- no punches or anything like that... As I said though, still concerning.
I agree with you about family therapy, I think my wife would be for it, not sure about my son...his attitude is " unless you go back to dad you've lost me also" that condition puts much pressure on my wife.
You are right about my wife harbouring resentment, many of us left that church, the difference for most is that we look back philosophically without too much regret, just moved on with whatever good we gained... Not so with my wife, I couldn't even play any of the worship songs we sang back then on my guitar at home because she said brings back too many bad memories, she really feels that she was robbed of what should've been some of the best years of her life.
After the affair came to light in 96, she really did change for the better, the church we moved to is quite contemporary, my wife was really free to be herself. As the years went on though she began to loose interest, plus she began to easily take offence, especially with some of the ladies at church, actually she didn't attend church for a couple of months before the bomb dropped mid 2014. Now she says that she doesn't believe in the "institution of church" anymore, plus that " they are all a bunch of hypocrites" ... really not so, just normal people, many tried to reach out to her but she changed her number the day she moved out and cut all off. Her friends now are one old school friend who I barely knew and the rest are new and I've never met.
Sandy, as I read through the different threads I haven't seen a lot that deals with someone that might be in my wife's position, having to face family and friends, to be honest most don't think very highly of her at the moment ( I haven't told her that though 😬) 1 of my brothers said that he would crash tackle me if I took her back!!! I know there are many other issues, just think that is a big one for her.
Just another thing I should mention, my wife on a few occasions has said that " I don't think your going to like the person I've become" when I ask her to describe in what way she won't explain.
Sorry to be long winded.
Just another thing I should mention, my wife on a few occasions has said that " I don't think your going to like the person I've become" when I ask her to describe in what way she won't explain.
Btw, is your oldest son still living at home? Does she see the youngest one on a regular schedule?
Have you remained faithful in attending and participating in the last church you joined? I just wonder how much of her is rebelling against God, Church, and H? Is her resentment toward the first church seem to pinpoint when her anger became more noticeable, or did it affect the MR?
Has she ever said that she felt pushed or pressured into the first church?
I suppose most of us feel that our situation is uniquely different from the others on the board. The outsider reading our personal story may see more similarity to others, easier than we can.
Did your W have a fairly normal childhood, or did she suffer any type of abuse? Can you think of something that happened before her A, that could have thrown her into an emotional crisis?
Hi Sandi,
Oldest son lives with me, my younger son has mostly been with me since wife moved out, in the last few months he has been staying with me for a fortnight then with her for the same.
My older son and I still attend church ( older son is in bible college which is connected to our church) I pulled back from serving at church which was the pastor's idea to give me a break as I wasn't in a very good frame of mind.
The younger son comes along sometimes but not often. My wife has expressed to him how everyone there hates her so my son, I think , has a tainted view of church. Truth is she isn't hated, although I think some probably have lost respect for her although they don't tell me that... Just guessing.
I do think she felt pressure at the old church, certainly from me, we were a lot younger then, we left in 97'. For a long time now I've left her to work out her own walk with God.
With or without the church factor I believe we would've had problems, my wife's upbringing was really terrible, she had a grandmother that actually hated her! I mean we are talking about an 8 year old girl who new this, it was her mums mum, when she would tell her mum about it the mum wouldn't say a word to her mother, my wife felt very rejected and undefended( if that's a word)
Her father had multiple affairs. When she was 12 she heard her parents having a major argument because her dad had given her mum an STD. So terrible
She, from a young age always heard her dad tell her mum that when my last child is married you and I are done. The day we literally got back from our honeymoon my father In law moved out. This delt a massive blow to my wife.
Her only sibling(brother) was your classic wayward husband, he left his wife (good woman IMO) and three kids (4, 2 and 6months) went wild then remarried, with very little contact with the kids over the years. Sad thing is my wife idealises her brother. He actually told her that if your not happy you should move on....this is what I'm up against. Plus mother in law always expressing to daughter how great it is to be free.
She definitely is troubled, even more so now with little to do with the boys, lost her job, lots of weight and family... crys a lot... Feel so sorry for her.. Just want to give her a big hug and take care of her.
It's hard for me to make sense of this whole situation.
Thanks again for your time Sandi
Just checking in on you. Sending a prayer your way.
"By this stage my wife rents an apartment, moves out and is extremely angry with me for not protecting her."
Did she take any responsibility for her role in this happening?
Thankyou sg, appreciate it.
No MR B, acknowledging her faults has never been one of her strengths
Hello Tony68,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is time for you to start focusing on you and your sons. What can you do differently to get things moving into a more positive direction?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Not much to report as far as my W goes, she did move apartments this past week, I've been keeping communication to a minimum. Younger son is back with me for his fortnight and been good to have him back.
Continuing to learn and be encouraged from this amazing community. Some huge breakthroughs this past week. Firstly the power of detachment is a life changing concept- used first with my wife and now has overflowed to other areas of my life. For example, I've found that by detaching from my boys ( talking about an unhealthy attachment that produces fear based parenting) my relationship with both of them has been much better.
I've read ... this past week, really helped me to understand how, through fear, I was trying to CONTROL my environment, my wife tried to tell me I was controlling and I couldn't see how! Feeling so free at the moment because of detaching from people, things and some emotions.
Much of our grief as LBS's is fear based.. Besides concern for our children and how they will fare from all the pain they endure, the rest we can rise above, and even with our children, if we are strong we can lead them through it. I know my kids are looking to me to be strong...so at least for their sake, strong I'll be!
To add another thought, the pain and upheaval that I've suffered has made me a better man, I would rather have learned the things I've learned a different way but.... Anyway, would I trade who I am now to go back?? I don't think so, who knows, maybe if we are reconciled and both healthy I can have my cake and eat it too!
Would anybody have any thoughts on this; my wife has expressed a couple of times, once in tears " why did you have to tell your family that we are having problems" I actually didn't say anything for over 2 months and even then it was because my sister phoned and asked me if everything was OK as my wife hadn't been to any family functions in months ( I kept saying she wasn't feeling well)
My wife has always been overly concerned with what others think of her, and know that she hasn't spoken to my family and our friends for 2 years I can't help but to feel this is one of the biggest issues we have in a possible reconciliation. I have told her that we 4 are the most important thing to focus on but think it all looks to hard for her, the thought of facing everyone.
I do think she feels that she has dug a pit that she can't get out of, but would like too. I can accept the fact if I'm dealing with a wife who just purely doesn't want to be with me but would find it sad that the marriage goes by the wayside because of fear of what others think. I do understand it would be tough on her.
I know there are other issues going on here, this is just one
Any thoughts?
Tony68,
I just read through your story and it would appear that you have learned a lot of late about what you should be doing. You expressed your understanding and successful efforts with healthy detachment and indeed it is something that if done correctly, it will carry over to other relationships in our life. It is certainly an action and not a destination.
Also you express a good thought about fear and how that actually can lead us to be controlling.
Would anybody have any thoughts on this; my wife has expressed a couple of times, once in tears " why did you have to tell your family that we are having problems" I actually didn't say anything for over 2 months and even then it was because my sister phoned and asked me if everything was OK as my wife hadn't been to any family functions in months ( I kept saying she wasn't feeling well)
My wife has always been overly concerned with what others think of her, and know that she hasn't spoken to my family and our friends for 2 years I can't help but to feel this is one of the biggest issues we have in a possible reconciliation. I have told her that we 4 are the most important thing to focus on but think it all looks to hard for her, the thought of facing everyone.
I do think she feels that she has dug a pit that she can't get out of, but would like too. I can accept the fact if I'm dealing with a wife who just purely doesn't want to be with me but would find it sad that the marriage goes by the wayside because of fear of what others think. I do understand it would be tough on her.
I know there are other issues going on here, this is just one
Any thoughts?
My thoughts on this are in line with what Christy shared with you. It is time to put your focus on you and those kids of yours. Your W has some issues that she will need to first identify and admit to so that she can seek out the help that she needs.
One of the big keys to our efforts with healthy detachment, is truly understanding that there is nothing......nothing that you can do or say to help this process out. This is for her to do and unless she were to approach you and ask for support after she has started down the road herself, you must stay in your lane here.
It is natural to have the thoughts and concerns that you ask about, but you can not do anything about them without pushing her further away.
Now as I read your story about the affair early on in the marriage, you share some of what you went through and how you pushed forward to heal.
What did she do to heal and move forward?
Is it possible that her issue with worry of what others think is rooted in what she did?
In my short reading up on infidelity, there is often times guilt and shame that goes un resolved. This may or may not be her issue, but again, I would say stay in your lane as she must resolve this on her own.
My 2c and thoughts in response to what you ask here.
Keep posting.
Share as much detail as you are comfortable.
Many good folk here that can help, support and guide you and all with the learnings of MWD and DB, and real life experiences.
You have come a long ways. You have a long ways to go, but you sound to be in a stable mental place now. This is where growth can take place if you are patient , persistent, and stay focused on your goals.
Be well this evening.
Thank you SH,
The temptation to pick up the rope is ever there, I guess like anything, with practice it will get easier.
I will stay in my lane, roof down and wind in my hair!
Thank you SH,
The temptation to pick up the rope is ever there, I guess like anything, with practice it will get easier.
I will stay in my lane, roof down and wind in my hair!
Very well stated.
I see this journey as our opportunity to workout our mental and emotional muscles. As we do so we do become stronger and we will grow into something better.
If you would, please share what you are doing for yourself.
For your children
As you are on this journey.
What a journey it's been!
Since the BD mid 2014 up until the last 6 months I really was not in any state to try and GAL, looking back it was like living in tornado, I just needed time, being apart of this community most definitely speeds up the process. If anything I should have been in a psych ward in respite care...seriously! No golf happening back then.
Letting go was key for me.
Spend lots of time with my younger son when he is home with me- bike rides, kicking the footy down the park, walks, movies, bbq's.
Older S is harder to pin down, at 19 he has so much going on with his mates, I don't mind too much, just happy to see him happy, even know he's down stairs with friends on the PS4 and they are laughing so much, I love it. Just hope I can get some sleep with all the noise!
The thing with older son is he will always choose to do something with dad if I ask him.
Father's Day this Sunday so looking forward to that.
I'm blessed with the best bunch of mates you can ask for, some just make me laugh a lot and others are just so wise.
Before the bomb I was the encourager, the one checking up on friends that were going through a hard time, for so long I had nothing to give, my pain was so intense that most days I was in a robotic sort of state...empty shell.
Life is coming back to these dry bones.
Just being able to think about others again...to think "I better give so and so a call and see how his sons b/ball game went" is so awesome. To finally be able to remove this "big thing" that has been constantly in front of my nose, put it aside from time to time and do/think other things.
So happy it's the last day of winter.. So much I want to do around the house..wanted to do in warmer weather. That should keep me busy.
It's funny you know, as I read over that last post, I sensed a sadness in me, sadness that says "how can you move on? How can you forget your wife? Almost like a loved one passed away and one feels guilty for enjoying life, but the truth is if we remain broken and empty we are useless to our spouses anyway, and not just them but our kids, families, friends and ourselves.
Sandy, as I read through the different threads I haven't seen a lot that deals with someone that might be in my wife's position, having to face family and friends, to be honest most don't think very highly of her at the moment ( I haven't told her that though 😬) 1 of my brothers said that he would crash tackle me if I took her back!!! I know there are many other issues, just think that is a big one for her.
I remember reading some stories years ago about similar situations resulting from exposure of the WW's affair. One of our favorite LBH's (who supported exposure) said if he had to do it over, he would be more selective in who he told about the A. If I remember correctly, he said it had caused tension between his W and his family. It is understandable for family to have ill feelings toward the wayward spouse.
Here's the thing, Tony, you can't go back and undo what's been done. Right or wrong, it is done! As a former WW who was involved in an A, I can see how she may feel judged and an outcast, and hesitant about any contact with them. Although it was due to her own actions, she feels a betrayal by you. That may sound very ironic to LBH's who have a W that cheated. But your W feels what she feels, whether she's responsible for the fallout or not.
She told you that you should have protected her with the situation in the first church. I think she saw your persistence, or strong encouragement, for her participation and whatever experience she may have had.....as being unprotected or leaving her vulnerable. Generally, in traditional marriages, I believe women see their man being the protector. So, that may be where that's coming from.....or she may be just blaming you for whatever caused her unhappiness.
So, now she either genuinely feels that she cannot have a relationship with her in-laws, or she using it as an excuse for not trying to reconcile the MR. However, I'll have to say that your brother's attitude doesn't help matters. I can understand it, b/c I have had divorce family members all around me.....and it is difficult sometimes not to express your personal opinions about the offender.
About all you can do about that situation is to speak privately to your brother.....and any other family members who still feel strongly against you and W getting back together.....and ask them to respect you by withholding their personal opinions about your W. At the same time, you have to realize that if you
share with them about her, exposing her, so to speak....it is going to affect how they feel.....and there will be fallout. So I suggest you not share information that isn't necessary. Know what I mean?
I rather doubt that your family's relationship with your W is going to improve a
lot, as long as she is not willing to reconcile the MR. It takes time, a lot of effort, and a show of good will, to mend relationships between family and in-laws.
Thanks again Sandi,
Your right, what's done is done, I'll just leave the family and friends issue for now.
Lesson learned as far as being careful with who i speak to.
I don't know how sincere my motive was in discussing my sitch to EVERYONE who would pass my way, I now know it was mostly a NICE GUY tactic to make myself feel better.
Got a phone call from my S15 school, teacher wanted to let me know that he hasn't been doing too well, uninterested in learning, clashing with some students and showing no remorse when confronted. The school is aware of what's happening in our family, the school counsellor has tried to speak with my son but he doesn't want to discuss anything. He said he will speak with his teachers so that they get a better understanding of where he is at and how they can best encourage him.
I haven't been contacting my wife but needed to let her know what happened, her first reaction was anger that the school don't call her, told her that she could call the school and let them know how she feels about it.
She began to explain that it's normal teenage behaviour then says "I know what your thinking, that this is due to the separation but it has nothing to do with it" yeah right! My son goes from being a great student where teachers would often say they love that he is in their class to this, exactly at the time she wants out of the marriage. Good thing I'm not expecting any rationale, might go crazy otherwise!
That was yesterday and my wife just came over to pick up my son for her fortnight, she doesn't normally come in but I normally say hello at the front door as I kiss and hug my son goodbye. I don't know why but I didn't want to go downstairs and see her today, trying to work out why I felt that way.... Is it fear? just so uncomfortable. If it is fear it can't be right.
If my wife has given me a gift, intended or not, it would be how all my weaknesses and faults have come floating to the surface, when I first started to see them I freaked out! Guilt, grief then going on the attack to defend then deflect.
What a journey! Anyway, I'm still working the iron- I think I've only done 1 sleeve.
Hi Guys,
Pretty much keeping up the nc for past month, the few times we've spoken have been in regards to our S15- he has been in some trouble at school, during one of those conversations she wanted to talk about S19 and how he still won't speak to her, she went on to say that " I can't give him what he wants" (mum and dad back together) only other point of conversation was on Father's Day 2 weeks ago in which she text that she hopes I have a nice day, the only response I could muster up was a simple "thank you"
That can't give him what he wants comment has made me feel a little anxious this past week, way back I had said to my wife that I will be totally letting go and moving on if she were to settle finances/property- right or wrong, idk, anyway, she started the preceding by engaging a L to which I had 14 days to respond to her demands, I waited 13 days in the hope that she would rethink things, my L then responds to her demnds, that was months ago, my L recently contacted me to ask if I knew what was happening as he hadn't heard from her L, all I could say was that she might be slowing down due to what I had previously said about letting go. So I have been using the time to gal, work on myself and give her space she may need. However, and this could be a case of overthinking, I'm wondering if she is buying time, she is locked into a rental lease so property settlement is not urgent, the Sydney property market ( in my area at least) has had 15-25% annual growth for years, I just don't know if she is game playing by not settling. What complicates this issue is that my brother has offered to pay my wife out, his objective was that the boys and I are not uprooted in an already tough situation, so it's really not my money to give away. whilst I'm happy to be patient in this, I'm afraid her motives are not good, unfortunately the way she's been I wouldn't put it past her.
So I've been thinking to have a "what's going on" conversation and even simply telling her it's time to move on.
Been a little depressed lately and don't know how clearly I'm thinking
Hi guys,
for a few weeks I've been feeling to call my wife so that we can line up a time to talk, I don't know what she may be thinking of my nc, don't know if she is waiting for me to call, the limbo has been tough but working hard to disconnect, just not sure what needs to be next move or what should be said if we do meet.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Did you ever read DB or DR?
I did read DR, what I'm finding most frustrating right now is that my mind has been so cloudy that I forget much of the great advice I receive and go back into a confused default mode
And so in what ways have you been working on yourself? Did you make the list as detailed in the book about how to increase positive interactions?
Hi Tony68,
Focusing all of your time, effort and energy into being the best dad and Tony68 doesn't include reaching out to your wife for a status report.
What do you hope to gain by having a "what's going on" conversation? You said that your brother will buy her out of the house so no sense of urgency regarding the marital home, right?
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for a few weeks I've been feeling to call my wife so that we can line up a time to talk, I don't know what she may be thinking of my nc, don't know if she is waiting for me to call, the limbo has been tough but working hard to disconnect, just not sure what needs to be next move or what should be said if we do meet.
So you want to contact her to see what she thinks about you not contacting her?