My Story
We have been married 7 years with a 4 year old child. We work opposite shifts and it’s taken a toll on us. We’ve had our up and downs. I’m guilty of neglecting my wife and giving her mixed signals about our marriage. I probably needed to man up and wear the pants in the relationship. 6 months ago we had a big verbal argument. It was a turning point, we both withdrew a little.
I recently confronted my wife; I suspected she was having an emotional or physical affair with a co-worker. I found flirty texts and a hotel charge that can’t be explained. I also discovered she called into night shift work and went to a movie with someone. She stayed the night out and said she slept in her car alone. She swears there is no affair going on. I didn’t press her further, sometime you want to believe the lie.
In the next breath she wanted to talk about a difference topic. D-Day, she’s not happy and wants a divorce. She said she loves me but is no longer in love with me. She likes the family time together but no longer wants to be married. She did take the opportunity to remind me off all my past wrongs. At this point I feel bad almost forgetting about the alleged affair. Not thinking clearly I almost agree to the divorce.
My wife has a vision of our divorce which I will explain. She wants a very slow and civil divorce. She doesn’t want anyone to know. She keeps the house and I move out to a new house or apartment. Since we work opposite shifts (her nights, me days). I will come home to the family house on the nights she works and we will have diner as a family. She will go to work and I will stay over and watch our child. We will have one day a week (Sunday?) for family activities. We will continue to go on family vacations and spend holidays together. She encourages me to start dating and she would welcome future GF’s into the family. Maybe her hearts in the right place but this sounds nuts.
The first week was hell. But I got my two feet on the ground and have communicated to her I don’t want a divorce and will do anything it takes to make the marriage work. This talk frustrates her, maybe she is hoping I back down. I’ve started to see a marriage counselor to keep me on track. I wish my wife would go but some people are so against theraphy.
Although I want to make this work I also consulted with an attorney to know my rights. My state has 50/50 property split and leaning towards 50/50 time sharing parenting. She has done no research into divorce. Although she has a good job the divorce cost will drain our savings. She would have to refinance house if she wants to keep it. 90% of the time one person can't carry the mortgage and they are forced to sell the house, tearing apart the family home.
The first thing the therapist asked me to do was tell my wife what I want (no divorce), be consistent and don’t back down. The second thing was to ask her to switch to day shift. I’ve done both. The therapists told me don’t bring up the affair.
I finished reading the 5 languages of love and now know my wife’s two languages; receiving gifts and acts of service. I bought the Divorce Busting Book and will start that next.
I reached out to family and friends for consul. I’ve continued my regular work schedule. I started exercising.
I’m going out more and living life. I’m trying new things. Overall I’m holding up good. I’m sleeping well at night. An occasional headache from researching divorce and relationships online. Maybe over-thinking in that regards. Am I in denial?
My wife has withdrawn. She looks depressed. She is having problems sleeping. She has shut out most of her friends. She is having problems at work. Could she have ended the affair and be going thru withdrawal? Or just guilty for dumping me? Depression?
I plan to stay the course for at least the year. Reaching out to my wife. Trying to make her happy. It sounds like time is on my side but she can be real stubborn and not one to back down. Am I wasting my time? I still love my wife and I don’t want a divorce to tear the family apart.
I just can’t figure out why she won’t admit to the affair? And if she wants a divorce why not just file? It sounds like she wants me to file.
One last piece of information, my wife grew up in an Asian country were divorce is looked down upon and “saving face” is very important. I still don't understand this "saving face" thing..
Maybe you guys can help.
Brian
Me 40
W 32
M 7 yrs in July 2016
7/31 W asks for D
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Brian
Sorry to hear about your situation. There are a lot of good people here to support you. Do the homework and read the links Cadet posted.
This is your place to vent and bounce ideas off of people for some good advice.
You have a long road ahead of you. Sounds like you have a good IC to support you and the M. Keep posting.
It sounds like you have been really productive from the get go, and you've started reading up in the importance of caring for yourself. It takes a lot of kicking and screaming before some of us get to that realisation.
My wh has come out with that kind of fantasy of still having family time etc and have it civil. In my opinion, that's them l cake eating, trying to keep the best part of their family but still have the freedom of an affair partner. I told my wh that I would be civil and friendly for the sake of the children. But that is an impossible idea. I'm not interested in being some kind of buddy where they get the best of us but not the rest of us, I want to be the whole package- his wife. I don't think I could sit happily while seeing him with another woman. It seems like guilt on their part too.
Depression also seems a common occurrence of a wayward too. My h started off super happy and I was withdrawn and depressed. Now it feels the tables have turned and he appears depressed and all over the board, while I'm seemingly happy (it's a bit of fake it til you make it though at the moment).
You're doing great so far. Keep in focusing on you and your kids. Take the focus of her and leave her be. And keep posting, there's some great people here who give fantastic advise and are here to pick us up when we feel we can't go on.
Thanks for the warm welcomes. It feels good not to be alone in this problem.
I started reading the book. In regards to the 34 rules, my wife has accused me of neglect amongst other things. Some of the rules are no I love you, no gifts and don't pursue. Am I to assume all beats are off when the wife brings up the Divorce topic and just follow the rules.
thanks,
Brian
Hi Brian -
Welcome!
You really have the right instincts already and are doing a great job! Like you, I don't get the saving face thing, at least completely. I think more out loud truth helps everyone. But since not everyone feels that way, it doesn't work for everyone. But if this is critical to HER, it may explain why she can't admit an affair, assuming that if it looks like an affair, it is an affair. At least you're pretty smart about that. But she may never be able to admit it, keep that in mind--if she faces that, she might not be able to face you again.
If you haven't bought Divorce Busting yet, buy Divorce Remedy instead, it's the upgraded version. Keeping Love Alive audios and the new video version of the Last Resort Technique are wonderful as well. If you only want one, go with Divorce Remedy.
If she brings up divorce, be calm and matter of fact and move on. Not snippy, no argumentative. Just don't discuss it. It will only go poorly. It's ok to let her sulk or cry etc. If she wants to talk about other things, really listen. Watch her body language, tone, etc. Really pay attention. But if she goes off on you and you can't bring her gently to calm conversation, gently end the discussion.
And take good care of yourself.
Hi Brian -
But if this is critical to HER, it may explain why she can't admit an affair, assuming that if it looks like an affair, it is an affair. At least you're pretty smart about that. But she may never be able to admit it, keep that in mind--if she faces that, she might not be able to face you again.
OK, I better play it safe and not bring up the A. The little voice in my head was telling me to force that discussion. For now, no talk of A.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Rule #10 No spying...I was tempted to buy a GPS tracker for the car. Thoughts? I guess I need to let the affair run its intended course, whatever that may be...
Some new information has come to light. Wife still not admitting anything but looks like I'm dealing with a wayward spouse.
I'm reading the book and following the rules. I guess this would be the ride out the storm approach.
I initially asked her to switch jobs (workplace affair). I should probably not bring this up or pressure her. Don't want the reverse effect. I think word is getting out at work (not me) and she will be under extreme stress. I think she will resign to avoid the shame. Less face time with the affair partner. Divide and conquer...
The cause of the affair? well she cheated but I was neglecting her. I worked fulltime job durn the day. Watched our child at night. Cleaned the house did laundry. Did the books and paid all the bills. Home repairs and yardwork. I did all the things good husbands do..But I forgot to put my wife at the top of the list. I have friends who have life's are in complete mess. But they take care of there wifes first. I've learned from this experience. I just hope its not to late.
Help!!!
Rule #10 No spying...I was tempted to buy a GPS tracker for the car. Thoughts? I guess I need to let the affair run its intended course, whatever that may be...
What exactly would you try to learn that you dont already know by using such a device?
Rule #10 No spying...I was tempted to buy a GPS tracker for the car. Thoughts? I guess I need to let the affair run its intended course, whatever that may be...
What exactly would you try to learn that you dont already know by using such a device?
Ive seen it write that there is a difference between "intel" and "spying".
If theres something that you need to learn to prove adultery in some states/countries or something, then by all means, use GPS tracking, voice recorders, whatever is needed to gain the intel that you need for your case.
But if theres no benefit in it from a legal perspective, then I think all you are doing is hurting yourself. If you know theres some kind of affair going on, then I think the tracking and spying will only serve to cause you pain.
But if theres no benefit in it from a legal perspective, then I think all you are doing is hurting yourself. If you know theres some kind of affair going on, then I think the tracking and spying will only serve to cause you pain.
It's my understanding Adultery is tough to prove in court. I have enough information to know for myself there is EA/PA.
BTW, I have gone on record here stating I will give it one year. If I cave in and file everyone needs to call me out.
So just to recap. The wife is caught in a EA or PA and wont admit it. Decides at that point all past problems are my fault and wants a divorce. Wants a divorce but showing zero effort in filing paperwork. Gets mad when I tell her I don't a divorce. I have sense learned no good comes of discussing the big D. Continues in the EA or PA. Following the rules and my GAL is being noticed. Just wonder what she has in store for me next. Almost one month in. How do you guys do it....
Not much to report today.Just a tid bit..
One of my guilty pleasures was Facebook. Nothing bad, I just liked to share photos of my family and see what my friends are doing. With my current situation, I decided to deactivate the account a few weeks ago. The problem is Facebook doesn't like to loss users so they find clever ways to reactivate the account. So you think your off and pop, your back on..I finally decided to go with the nuclear options a permanent deletion of the account. 8 years worth of pictures and posts gone. This was a tough decision. But when your at war information is key. Lets say your friends with your wife on Facebook. There's a good chance she friends with her affair partner. Why give the information away for free. It's better to go dark online and make everyone wonder....
Hello Brian99,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Her plan of how the two of you would be civil and continue to have family time while you live somewhere else is major league cake eating.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Hi Brian,
Your wife's behavior is very strange.
Can you tell us more about her childhood please? In particular I would like to know if her parents got divorced, who filed for divorce, how old she was when that happened and any other traumatic experience during her childhood.
Brian--
Are you in a "no-fault" state? In the worst case, if your W wants to file a divorce, can she make it happen?
Re: snooping -- it sounds like you are certain there is/was a PA. I get the burning temptation to get the details. But I also believe that it's a pathological desire. I think we have more to lose by finding out the details. It's just going to burn you up inside to have the details.
Re: family life post-divorce -- I don't think what your W suggests is necessarily ludicrous. It may be ludicrous for you, but there are all kinds of divorces. Some couples remain unbelievably cooperative after the divorce, going as far as to share an apartment, and take turns coming to the original house. Kind of similar to what your W suggests. It's all about where you two are as a couple. For me, I couldn't do it. It would just be too hard for me emotionally to have my daily routine enmeshed with hers, to see her all the time.
My two cents.
It looks like you did everything very well from the beginning. I respect that. Most of us screw it up for a few months, before getting our heads screwed back on. Sorry for the reason you're here, but glad you found the forum.
Hi Brian,
Your wife's behavior is very strange.
Can you tell us more about her childhood please? In particular I would like to know if her parents got divorced, who filed for divorce, how old she was when that happened and any other traumatic experience during her childhood.
CLD, thank you for note. I agree the behavior is odd. I search every forum and can't find a similar situation.
To answer your question, my wife grew up in a third world country with extreme poverty. At one point in her childhood they were homeless. Somehow and with a little luck she beat all odds and got a ticket to the US. She had a rough time at first being alone in the U.S. The parents are still married but there's a weird dynamic in the family I can't put my finger on. I heard a new event could bring up bad past experiences setting off a chain of events. If it has anything to due to mental illness she would never it admit. If it's an early MLC or EA/PA maybe I can wait it out.
Brian--
Are you in a "no-fault" state? In the worst case, if your W wants to file a divorce, can she make it happen?
It's a no fault state. If she really wanted a divorce she could make it happen and wrap up in 2 months. If I agree to the divorce she could tell everyone it's mutual and save face.
Brian--
Are you in a "no-fault" state? In the worst case, if your W wants to file a divorce, can she make it happen?
It's a no fault state. If she really wanted a divorce she could make it happen and wrap up in 2 months. If I agree to the divorce she could tell everyone it's mutual and save face.
What is there to "not agree" to regarding divorce?
Will you cage her up in your basement?
Brian--
My two cents.
It looks like you did everything very well from the beginning. I respect that. Most of us screw it up for a few months, before getting our heads screwed back on. Sorry for the reason you're here, but glad you found the forum.
Thanks Gump! 3 days in I contacted a marriage therapist and lawyer. The lawyer was only a consultation to know my rights. One week in I found divorce busting. It feels good to vent my situation but I'm careful who I tell. I started excersing and working on GAL. I've been drinking a little more beer and wine, I know that one can be a slippery slope. I'm doing good overall but I can't lie. It eats me up sometime. I told myself I would give it one year. I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter and I'm doing this for her. I could see how this added stress could cause long-term health issues.
Brian--
Are you in a "no-fault" state? In the worst case, if your W wants to file a divorce, can she make it happen?
It's a no fault state. If she really wanted a divorce she could make it happen and wrap up in 2 months. If I agree to the divorce she could tell everyone it's mutual and save face.
What is there to "not agree" to regarding divorce?
Will you cage her up in your basement?
Darkness i like your straight forward no BS posts. I hope you continue to follow my thread and journey.
To answer your question, my wife is able bodied and there is nothing stopping her from filing first. Nothing more to dicuss on that.
Just checking in...not much to report in the last week. No talk of divorce or relationship. Not much talk, just basic stuff. Life around the house is kinda normal but we sleep in separate beds and don't have sex. My wife has come out of her depression and withdrawal. I have good days and bad. When I'm sad I hide. We both now have passwords on our phones. I'm tempted to bring up the topic of separating our finances. I would feel safer with this but don't want to send wrong message. I still have hope for marriage.
Today's reflection...
I was looking at my wife the other day, I feel like I don't recognize her. Lots of makeup, new style of clothes, new eye glasses and new varying hairstyles. And worst of all, shoes now have a high heel. I realize people change but I don't know. She has cut off most of her old female friends. Her one female friend who she has known under a year has this same look. I would call it a sex appeal, look at me look. It's as my wife is copying her look. Speaking of her new friend, I guess they have similar backgrounds. Both had alcoholic wild fathers that did as they please. The mothers did what they had to do to keep family together. Dealing with issues was always secondary to saving face. Just another piece of the puzzle.
Current status...
My wife keeps asking how I'm doing. I'm not mean, but I keep our interaction brief per the rules and 180. When she asks how I'm doing, I always say fine. I never bring up our R or possible D. I'm not taking her bait. The EA/PA always feels like the pink elephant in the room. I'm so tempted to bring it up but she will never admit it. I'm tempted to have my own PA.
Things are still civil in the house compared to other horror stories I read. I just wonder what her end game is. My plan is to wait it out but...I have not mentioned it before but I'm tempted to file papers first. I think it would be a rude awakening for her. But if I'm wrong, I bust out early(poker term).
In regards to her EA/PA I wonder if she's in love or just playing the guy. She's had a history of text flirting with co-workers. I noticed she has a similar pattern and phrases with these guys. A playful flirty pattern that progresses. One of her catch phrases is, I love you more then you could possibly know. I've monitored her cell over the years and called her out when I thought it went to far. I stopped monitoring her cell 6 months ago. I wonder if the PA is a result of that or the new guy has a combination of low morals and game.
Downfall of society. It has become socially acceptable to have girls nights out and 'work husbands' then you throw in Facebook and texting programs. It's a cheaters paradise.
B
Brian,
I wouldn't file for divorce and I wouldn't start a PA either, but I would definitely prepare financially, mentally and have a plan if she files.
I would just be a rock, a mountain, acting as if nothing is happening and you don't care or want to know.
Your focus are your kids and their mental health. Your wife is acting like a little girl, not you, you are the mountain, you are the man.
Hugs
Brian,
I wouldn't file for divorce and I wouldn't start a PA either, but I would definitely prepare financially, mentally and have a plan if she files.
I would just be a rock, a mountain, acting as if nothing is happening and you don't care or want to know.
Your focus are your kids and their mental health. Your wife is acting like a little girl, not you, you are the mountain, you are the man.
Hugs
Thanks for the words of encouragement. One day at a time. You helped me thru the day..
Update...
I broke one of the rules. One of my wife's co-workers reached out to me. She told me my wife was having an affair with a co-worker. I already knew. She told me what she knew. Then I broke the rule, I told her what I knew. I told her not to say anything as it would make matters worse. The co-worker liked our family and was not happy with my wife's actions.
My wife is currently on a vacation/leave of absence at work. She gets a call, probably from her affair partner, that the co-worker I talked to has outed the affair at work including the details I told her. My wife is very mad. With alcohol on my wife's breath she's states our marriage is over. She wants a divorce within a month. It seems affair talk triggers divorce and the wife still won't admit the affair. Wife is scheduled to return to work soon.
Is the OM married?
The good thing would be to notify his wife that he is having an affair.
That usually ends the affair pretty quickly.
Brian,
You can't change what has happened, but in the future, come here to talk about things and do not discuss your situation w/other people as you have discovered, things do get revealed and very quickly. If the co-worker liked your family just so much, she would have kept what you said to herself and not revealed what was told to her by you. The old saying "a dog that brings a bone will carry one" is so true.
Affairs have to die a natural death. If they are exposed, that doesn't necessarily mean that the affair will end. In fact, it may push them together more so because they want to protect each other from the cold, cruel world. As you have now seen, by exposing the affair, your wife is now wanting a divorce within a month. She will use every justification in the book to justify why the affair took place and why she felt the need to so. Of course, it's not you. You didn't put a gun to her head and tell her to this. This affair is all about her.
It's going to be interesting to see how this information plays out in the work place. One may be reassigned to another office and/or building, but they aren't going to be very comfortable being together w/others watching the drama unfold and others whispering and pointing fingers at them. Then again, the om may break it off w/your wife or vice versa.
Brian, the only way your wife sees saving face right now is to talk of a divorce. If she wants one, then allow her to do the heavy lifting for it.
As for the affair partner, well...I would let him sink in his own mess for a while. I wouldn't say one word to his wife because you don't want to get drawn into their drama. For all you know, she may already be on to them and/or has been told of the affair as well. If she should approach you about the situation, then you can share what you know, but I wouldn't be the initiator in advising her of the her husband's affair at this time. Allow the affair drama to play out and die a natural death. It may end sooner than you think now that it's been made public. I would suggest that you start thinking about a consultation w/a lawyer, if you haven't already done so, and get educated on what you are entitled to, just to be on the safe side. Whatever you find out, do not share it w/your wife. This info is for you only right now.
Job-thank you for the kind and well thought out post. I agree, my plan was not to interfere with the affair. I can't discuss the workplace dynamics but I would guess my wife gives 2 weeks notice when she returns. The OM will be bullied, and may also have to resign. Just my hunch...
Things to do list
1. Lawyer consultation- done
2. Rent PO mail box- done
3. Change personal passwords- done
4. Personal checking/savings account- done
5. Personal visa card- done
6. Rent bank security box
7. Scout out 2 bedroom apartment
8. Tell therapist we need to get me mentally prepared for divorce
Missing anything?
Odds and ends..
I was not snooping but I found some paperwork in our common shared desk. The wife had made copys of our monthly expenses and common passwords. Not a big deal, makes sense for someone preparing for post divorce. But I also found a hand written note keeping track of my GAL. Example, Monday bowling, Wednesday brew pub , Sunday golf. She pieced it together from what I told her and bank debt activity. She even listed when I went shoe shopping. Weird..
She reminds me of someone who is trying to keep tabs on her husband. Maybe she thinks you have met someone and having an affair? I know my xh use to call me on the days he worked just before he flew the coop. This was not normal behavior for him the entire time we were married. It was almost like he was hoping to catch me doing something or maybe he figured I was spying on him. Whatever they think, you can best bet they are looking over their shoulders to ensure that we aren't spying on them.
I wouldn't worry too much about her piecing things together. You were doing your normal stuff and keeping your side of the street clean.
Your completed listing is a good one. Now, you just have to make sure you don't leave anything lying around for her to find when she returns home.
Enjoy the rest of the holiday.
Just catching up with your sitch and thought I would say hey!
I really admire your strength, especially after hearing the a confirmed by someone else. My wh is in utter denial about his ea. even though I have seen texts and been told by a few people about it- yet hearing it sends me into a bit of a rage every time. The A business at work could go either way really. And her announcement that she wants a quick divorce seems quite script (my wh's reaction is the exact same- "it's something I need to do" is his response). A little mind reading here, but I'm guessing that their reaction of wanting a quickie d is just to relieve some of the feelings of guilt that they have.
Well done on the to do list. It does $uck that we are even put into this situation with a D that we don't want; but knowing where we stand legally and having a plan in place does give us the reassurance and a bit of control that we are prepared.
Keep up the good work. The thing with a's is it hopefully means that they will be slapped with the cold hard reality of what they have done at some point.
EA confirmed, kinda..
As you may recall from my first post. I uncovered a hotel charge that my wife couldn't explain which set off the BD chain of events. Originally she said she purchased it for a co-worker who didn't have a visa card. Now that the details of affair have been exposed at work she admits that was a lie. Now she says the hotel was for her. She needed to get away. She stayed in the room also alone. Still insisting there is no affair. But she has now admitted she is in love with a co-worker..but says he dosnt know..what a hoot!
Odds and ends..
I was not snooping but I found some paperwork in our common shared desk. The wife had made copys of our monthly expenses and common passwords. Not a big deal, makes sense for someone preparing for post divorce. But I also found a hand written note keeping track of my GAL. Example, Monday bowling, Wednesday brew pub , Sunday golf. She pieced it together from what I told her and bank debt activity. She even listed when I went shoe shopping. Weird..
OMG I would have SO MUCH FUN with this
I'd wake up in the middle of the night, go to a Buddhist temple, lay flowers on the ground outside, stand there for 10 minutes solemnly, then quietly go home.
I'd go to a bookstore and order all kinds of books about aardvarks. Lots of them. Then I'd go to a pet store, fill a suitcase full of empty ant farms, then go put them into a short term storage shed.
I would start a journal that would be sure to be found near your computer and just have odd phrases written repeatedly like "don't go into the shadows tonight, don't go into the shadows tonight" in all kinds of sizes across multiple pages.
Shoot, it's almost worth getting remarried just to pull some of this off...
OMG I would have SO MUCH FUN with this
I'd wake up in the middle of the night, go to a Buddhist temple, lay flowers on the ground outside, stand there for 10 minutes solemnly, then quietly go home.
I'd go to a bookstore and order all kinds of books about aardvarks. Lots of them. Then I'd go to a pet store, fill a suitcase full of empty ant farms, then go put them into a short term storage shed.
I would start a journal that would be sure to be found near your computer and just have odd phrases written repeatedly like "don't go into the shadows tonight, don't go into the shadows tonight" in all kinds of sizes across multiple pages.
Shoot, it's almost worth getting remarried just to pull some of this off...
You have a good imagination and sense of humor..that brought tears to my eyes, the good kind..tears of laughter..
I kinda feel like my wife has been "gas lighting" me. I've been nice and cordial to her..but occasionally I will miss step. She uses that opportunity to say "I was thinking about our relationship but now I know it's over" and whenever the affair comes up she rewrites history to make me a bad husband. It takes a mental toll.
I finally decided to stand up for myself. I told her I'm a good husband. I think you are depressed and blaming a lot of your problems on me. I told her I'm gonna start making my own decisions. I'm gonna do what I want from here out. She looked flabbergasted. She came back with that I have manic depression. I said no, I've been dumped, cheated on and lied too. I have a right to be angry and paranoid. I also told her contact will be limited to family finances and our child. No more group outings for the cake eater.
Out of the blue, she asked have you told your parents about this. I said no, I want to tell them face to face as they live out of state. She says, well I want to be there for I can tell my side. I check my email the next day and she emails my mom and cc's me. She just wanted to let them know we have been having marriage problems for a while. Geez..
I come to the concussion if I fight this to the end we will loss everything. I'm confident I could rebuild my life. I also know she may fight dirty. That's a bit scary. We never had a perfect marriage but it functioned. It's like a light switch flipped two months ago.
That's not what gaslighting means.
B, I'd recommend two things:
No life changing decisions today
No more R talks
I consider what you did an R talk. It was a talk for her benefit. Don't do it. Actions speak louder than words. You don't need to tell her how it is going to be, you just do it and she sees. When you tell her stuff, it is usually intended to have an impact. Either changing her behavior or making her feel guilty, etc.
The problem is that you are making emotional decisions (even though you think they are well thought out they are emotional), and you will flip flop around or have trouble executing and following through. For example, if you say 'we will only communicate about children or finances', next time you have an emotional R talk you will have gone back on your new boundary and just look wishy washy, attached, and out of control.
You are < 60 days since BD. Your job is simple- damage control. There is nothing you can do to make things better. But there are a lot of things you can do to make things worse. So you need to zip your lips, sit on your hands, whatever, and avoid digging deeper. Sitting still in the middle of this crisis can be very hard, as men we have a tremendous desire to battle our enemy and either conquer it or fall valiantly in battle, but in the state you're in being still is the best thing in the world for you for these reasons.
Hang in.
B, I'd recommend two things:
No life changing decisions today
No more R talks
I consider what you did an R talk. It was a talk for her benefit. Don't do it. Actions speak louder than words. You don't need to tell her how it is going to be, you just do it and she sees. When you tell her stuff, it is usually intended to have an impact. Either changing her behavior or making her feel guilty, etc.
The problem is that you are making emotional decisions (even though you think they are well thought out they are emotional), and you will flip flop around or have trouble executing and following through. For example, if you say 'we will only communicate about children or finances', next time you have an emotional R talk you will have gone back on your new boundary and just look wishy washy, attached, and out of control.
You are < 60 days since BD. Your job is simple- damage control. There is nothing you can do to make things better. But there are a lot of things you can do to make things worse. So you need to zip your lips, sit on your hands, whatever, and avoid digging deeper. Sitting still in the middle of this crisis can be very hard, as men we have a tremendous desire to battle our enemy and either conquer it or fall valiantly in battle, but in the state you're in being still is the best thing in the world for you for these reasons.
Hang in.
Ok Zeus thanks for the input..when I get the urge..I will remember to zip my lips?
Zeus, typo on last post. No question mark. I will learn to zip my lips. But if I do need to reply to her R and D talks. What are some good talking points?
For big D. I usually say I don't believe in divorce. I also say I don't want a divorce.
When she mentions D settlement. I mention I'm not gonna negotiate with her. If she mentions a detail. I say you should probably talk to a lawyer about that.
R talk is a tough one for me. She likes to rewrite history and mention how the 7 years of marriage was tough on her.
Help me out guys.
Just took a Tylenol PM and am fading fast.
Could you help me out and type of a few statements/questions that you might have trouble responding to? Sometimes it helps to hear an actual example instead of just the idea, so I understand the tone that might be troubling to respond to. It helps me get the dynamic.
I'll type out what I'd reply in the morning. Not that it will be brilliant, but it's always better to have some options.
Sleepy. Take care and talk soon.
Well tomorrow is a new day and Monday is a new week.
Recognizing things I've been doing wrong.
1. When R talk comes up. I try to set the record straight.
2. I take some pleasure in bringing up her affair. I guess trying to make her feel guilty
3. Being dumped kinda sets in a fight or flight mentality for me. One day I wanna argue with her and the next I wanna run.
4. Feel the need to reply to all her questions and statements.
I see how these things are not productive. I need to follow the program. I need to not add any more stress to the situation.
Good insight Brian - let her be just now, detach and focus/work on you. Learn the art of validating. Have you read the validation cheat sheet? It's useful for responding to WAS's and for life in general!
You are right where you need to be in terms of insight. The challenge is now to follow that path one day at a time...
Good luck to you my friend
Nice post Brian. You are spot on. It's easy to fall into the mindset that you are right, she is wrong, and you will wake her up to reality by righteously clashing with her on every point that doesn't align with you.
The problem is that you win the battle but lose the war.
I mean, suppose for a minute that you really were 'right'. Well, if what you do when you're right is build resentment, berate her and challenge her and argue with her, diminish her view points, dismiss her feelings, and let your disgust with her for expressing herself overwhelm everything else...well, you may be 'right' about the importance of marriage, but that is far exceeded by how wrong you'd be by acting that way. And as a WAS it would just be more proof that we could never have a working relationship. Like "LBS, I hear what you're saying, but the way you're saying it proves it won't work".
You've made it clear you don't believe in divorce. I think it's time to let go of sending that message. It's not your job to teach her, educate her, punish her, or control her. Let her go.
It's tough, shoot, even today XW texts me in ways that are so nasty I can't believe she sleeps at night, and trust me, the desire to put together a handful of her nasty emails and texts and just send them to her and be like 'is this who you want to be?' is powerful at times...but my kids deserve a life without drama, and SO DO I!
Your last post shows you are on your way. I'd reread these posts before every interaction with her for a while.
Hi Brian,
Sorry you are here buddy.
Its clear to me, based on what you have written, that your W is having a PA. Your W is having sex with another man.
So I have to ask you (warning:2x4 coming), where are your balls? You seem to be taking this all VERY well.
What your W is doing is not ok and you need to stand up for yourself. She seems to have a very pleasant idea of what D looks like. If you're ok with that, then fine. But I wouldn't be. And if you aren't, then you should make that clear to her.
You come across to me as a "Mr Nice Guy." If that what you are, your WW is going to continue to walk all over you. That's what I see is happening.
You need to detach, 180, GAL and GO DARK. Go directly to the LRT section of the book. Read the whole book but that's what you need to be doing.
Dont engage her in R talk. Its ok to validate but she needs to know that a D will not be so pretty if that's not what you see happening.
In order for this to have a chance at turning around, she needs to admit to the A and show genuine remorse. Until that happens, there is no possibility of moving forward.
She needs to respect you as a man. So show her the man that you truly are. Stand up for yourself and don't allow her to cake eat, gaslight and walk all over you.
Show her what she will be missing if she continues down this path. Become the most awesome Brain that has ever been. Show her that you are fine without her. In fact, show her that you are better without her. Make her see what she is giving up by choosing this path.
Good insight Brian - let her be just now, detach and focus/work on you. Learn the art of validating. Have you read the validation cheat sheet? It's useful for responding to WAS's and for life in general!
You are right where you need to be in terms of insight. The challenge is now to follow that path one day at a time...
Good luck to you my friend
We are currently not talking. I got homework,read up on validating...
Hi Brian,
Sorry you are here buddy.
Its clear to me, based on what you have written, that your W is having a PA. Your W is having sex with another man.
So I have to ask you (warning:2x4 coming), where are your balls? You seem to be taking this all VERY well.
What your W is doing is not ok and you need to stand up for yourself. She seems to have a very pleasant idea of what D looks like. If you're ok with that, then fine. But I wouldn't be. And if you aren't, then you should make that clear to her.
You come across to me as a "Mr Nice Guy." If that what you are, your WW is going to continue to walk all over you. That's what I see is happening.
You need to detach, 180, GAL and GO DARK. Go directly to the LRT section of the book. Read the whole book but that's what you need to be doing.
Dont engage her in R talk. Its ok to validate but she needs to know that a D will not be so pretty if that's not what you see happening.
In order for this to have a chance at turning around, she needs to admit to the A and show genuine remorse. Until that happens, there is no possibility of moving forward.
She needs to respect you as a man. So show her the man that you truly are. Stand up for yourself and don't allow her to cake eat, gaslight and walk all over you.
Show her what she will be missing if she continues down this path. Become the most awesome Brain that has ever been. Show her that you are fine without her. In fact, show her that you are better without her. Make her see what she is giving up by choosing this path.
I used to have a Boss. He started a meeting once by saying "tough talk for tough times." Well these are tough times, thanks for your insight.
1. If I was a betting man, I would bet it's full PA. Sometimes you want to believe the lie. Honestly hearing she loved another man hurt more. But I will keep an eye out for that 2x4.
2. Guilty of being Mr. Nice guy. That's why she looked flabbergasted when I told her I'm making my own recessions from here out. Secession that make me happy.
3. We are currently not talking and I got my GAL going. I will read up on detaching and going dark..
So its been about a week of no talking between me and W. Feels like the marriage is in a medical induced coma.
Since we are not talking and I've been advised to zip my lip about R talk I will post my thoughts here.
We have a lot of problems, all that could be fixed. One problem is blame. My W blames me for all her problems. I think this is to protect her self-esteem. I've read spouses that blame tend to refuse marriage counseling.
We've had lots of problems too. All could be easily fixed/forgiven (no EA, PA, phys abuse, infidelity to my knowledge). W blames me for everything. No matter how little I could have contributed to what makes her mad. Yep, refuses to go to counseling. I agree with you. To protect self-esteem or ease guilt. Seems to be an attribute for WW/WAW/MLC. Anyone see a pattern?
We've had lots of problems too. All could be easily fixed/forgiven (no EA, PA, phys abuse, infidelity to my knowledge). W blames me for everything. No matter how little I could have contributed to what makes her mad. Yep, refuses to go to counseling. I agree with you. To protect self-esteem or ease guilt. Seems to be an attribute for WW/WAW/MLC. Anyone see a pattern?
Hey Cessna- I do think I'm guilty of letting the blame game go on for to long. Like most issues, better to deal with them early.
On another note, I recall a guy on one of these boards. He said his wife blamed him for everything durn her MCL. At first he promised her the world, he would change. Didn't help. THe MCL eventually ran its course. And guess what? She stopped blaming him and accepted him for who he is. Probabluy a good guy.
Here's a copy of a email I received from a long time friend...
"Can't really give you much advice on marriage, not that you were asking for any. I do have some thoughts on happiness I'll share with you."
"I've been chasing happiness for a long time, as I'm sure we all do. What I know now is that no one can make me happy. If you are the source of your Wife's unhappiness, I doubt you are, maybe she should split. But if she's unhappy for her own reasons, I think its unfair for her to expect you to do anything, and unrealistic to think a new Brian will make a difference. My 2 cents."
Since we are not talking and I've been advised to zip my lip about R talk I will post my thoughts here.
We have a lot of problems, all that could be fixed. One problem is blame. My W blames me for all her problems. I think this is to protect her self-esteem. I've read spouses that blame tend to refuse marriage counseling.
Hmmmmm. So the one problem that you point out is your your wife's.
Sounds like she isn't the only one playing the "blame game"
One thing is missing in all of your posts. You focus alot on the A, but you never did say what the reasons were that your W wanted out. You say you read DB, then what were some of the problems in the M and what have you been doing to change?
I stress that no M problem is a reason for having an A, but there usually is some issues in the M to begin with.
One thing is missing in all of your posts. You focus alot on the A, but you never did say what the reasons were that your W wanted out. You say you read DB, then what were some of the problems in the M and what have you been doing to change?
I stress that no M problem is a reason for having an A, but there usually is some issues in the M to begin with.
I'm willing to accept 50% of the blame for our marriage problems and even the affair. I've been venting about the affair here as I can't air the issue freely with mutual friends.
Problems in M that I was part of:
1. Probably the big one, I didn't meet my wife's emotional needs. This one could get its own post.
2. I stopped wearing the pants in the family. My wife developed a strong personality. To avoid the strong personality I tried to agree on most issues. I think deep down, she wanted me to be a man and make some decisions for us.
3. We stopped dating. I didn't put in any effort to line up babysitters or plan dates.
4. She gave a lot of hints in the last month. She didn't even have a password on her phone. I ignored all the signs. Maybe I gave up or was lazy.
5. We worked opposite shifts for the last 2.5 years.
6. Sex decreased to 1-2 times a month. I guess healthy couples do it a minimum of 2 times a week.
7. I wrongly assumed divorce was never an option.
8. There's a book 5 Languages of Love. My wife's languages are receiving small gifts and acts of service. Knowing this I still didn't make any extra effort.
9. My wife always said, the little things are the big things for her. I always got caught up in the big picture.
10. My wife most likely had post partum depression after our first child. Her primary care doc even said it. Wife wanted to hear none of it. Me wanting to avoid conflict didn't pursue it. I guess if you really love someone, you have to have the tough talks when needed.
11. My wife has show signs of a MCL for the last 6 months. I just ignored the issue rather then deal with it.
12. Early in our relationship I didn't do enough around the house. I have since corrected that.
13. Communication issues, both of us.
Well that's my observation and what she's communicated to me. I have some beefs to but I always just accepted her for who she is over the years.
I know some of you have commented I'm handling this well. I've been reading this forum, other forums, the DB book, other books and getting unsolicited advice. Plus my marriage counselor. My goal is to mainly focus on this site and the book.
Here's my problem, I;ve totally lost focus. At this point my brain is scrambled eggs. Some of the more complex strategies are too tough to understand at this point. Does that make sense?
Where I am:
1. Not talking to wife other then child issues- I assume this is going dark.
2. GAL- working, staying healthy, living life.
I'm trying to wait this out and hope my wife comes to her senses. Is this a reasonable plan?
Brian99,
I think it's normal to feel overwhelmed when serious marital issues arise. There's so much to process and you receive a lot of advice that often seems conflicting; it's hard to figure out which way to go.
From my experience, focusing on my GAL activities did the most to help me get through the bad stuff. Most of my activities revolved around home improvement projects, but that exposed me to a lot of people along the way. (Many of the local Lowe's and Home Depot employees know me by name.) I did more home improvement projects in the past four months than I'd done in the past five years. I was on fire and it made a huge difference because I had things to focus on and I was worn-out at the end of the day. When I went to bed, I was exhausted and I'd usually fall asleep immediately. And actually, it was a very happy time for me; I could see the house looking better and better and I was able to be creative. It was a wonderful mix of productivity and creative release.
So, what I'm saying is, you're on target with the GAL stuff. Find activities that occupy your mind and keep you busy and you'll be able to weather the storm.
Brian99,
I had things to focus on and I was worn-out at the end of the day. When I went to bed, I was exhausted and I'd usually fall asleep immediately.
I agree 100% on that one. On the days I work out and exercise, I sleep like a baby...
I don't see any mention of 180s.
I found that a very powerful practice. In addition trying to 180 our big issue, I identified some other common interactions that cause friction in our relationship, and I really dig into why I acted the way I did. My IC was very helpful with this. And then I chose to deliberately act in a different way, to see if it changed the interaction as a whole.
Boy did it ever. I'm not talking big things, but it's amazing how improving key micro interactions can have a big impact on the relationship.
And I felt super jazzed about changing my response.
So, living life is great, but so is digging into your own issues and how they affect the relationship.
Again, I see alot of your "analysis" of what you think your W's issues were. Give us specific examples of things that YOU did wrong. The more detailed the better.
Hi Brian,
Focusing on being the best Dad and Brian is super important. So you have lost focus for a bit, just pick yourself up and get back at it.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach. Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I don't see any mention of 180s.
I found that a very powerful practice. In addition trying to 180 our big issue, I identified some other common interactions that cause friction in our relationship, and I really dig into why I acted the way I did. My IC was very helpful with this. And then I chose to deliberately act in a different way, to see if it changed the interaction as a whole.
Boy did it ever. I'm not talking big things, but it's amazing how improving key micro interactions can have a big impact on the relationship.
And I felt super jazzed about changing my response.
So, living life is great, but so is digging into your own issues and how they affect the relationship.
Sandi's Rules and 180 the same thing? if so, Yes!
Not necessarily, although some of Sandi's rules might be 180s for you, and she mentions 180s briefly in #29.
MWD discusses the tactic of 180s in DR. Essentially it means doing the opposite.
So, for example, I am a more serious person than my H in many ways. Sometimes, if he uses humor when I think it's a serious moment, I react by objecting to his use of humor, either in my words or my expression or my actions, This takes a benign action on his part and turns it into A Thing.
So, the 180 for this is to joke back or at least let the joke pass without any reaction more than a rueful shake of the head and continue the friendly tone of the conversation.
Sandi's rules are mostly focused on how you should behave in the face of marital crisis.
I'm talking about thinking back to the pre-BD relationship and identifying some things to 180.
"Sandi's Rules and 180 the same thing? if so, Yes!"
They are not the same. You have read the book, correct?
I know I got some homework to do. The fact that I have to hide my book makes it tough to read.
Last night the W called into work. She cornered me into a discussion about finances, our R and the big D. She reviewed the finances for the last 2 years and noticed I missed a few payments related to investments and college funds. Some months were tight and I paid the mortgage and lights first. In both cases we had overpaid over the years so it was not really a missed payment. She didn't see my logic and was very pissed. I found that interesting.
Our R talk came up and I kepted brining up the A. My bad..She gas lighting me about my recent behavior. I could of handled the R talk better my zipping my lip..
The big D talk came up. I just listened. She intends to file soon. It sounds like she is trying to do it on the cheap. A do it yourself with help from some who has some law background but not a divorce lawyer. I shall wait for the papers to b filed. I have an experienced divorce lawyer ready to go if needed.
She said she wants the house and full care of our child. It was tough, but I just listened and acknowledged. She said she has child care lined up post divorce. She works nights. I listened.
She said the current living situation was not working and asked me to move out. It was pretty scary hearing. I stood up for myself and said I will not move out to divorce is finalized. I have a right to stay.
She said she will start the divorce work tomorrow. I found that interesting since its a Saturday. She seems to want a divorce but reluctant to hire a lawyer. We have a house, assets, debt and child. So there will be a lot of paperwork.
All the talk really gets the heart racing. Somehow I get a good night's sleep. Maybe I have accepted my situation for what it is. I have no control over others. Accept the things I can't change.
I will treat myself the biggest cheeseburger in town tonight.
Brian,
I am so sorry that you are going through this, she is obviously mentally ill and you should treat her as such. I will send you some positive energy.
Hugs
Your wife does not have a mental illness. How much of DB have you read? Make that a priority
Your wife does not have a mental illness. How much of DB have you read? Make that a priority
The original divorce busting book, page 65. Thanks for calling me out. I need to get on that.
Updates.
1. So Mr. Bond Has called me out for not reading the material. I need to get on that.
2. Wife appears to be working on divorce. Originally she said she would wait to 2017. But I broke rule #6, Don't discuss private matters with friends. For those not following my post. I meet with one of my wife's coworkers and told her what i knew about the affair. In turn, she outed the affair at work. Wife as since moved up divorce time table up to ASAP.
3. Wife has been asking me to move out. I told her i will stay in family home to divorce is settled. At my attorneys initial consultation he advised not to move out. Now I need to hold my ground.
4. A friend of my wife from out of state called me the other day. The friend stated she has be unable to get ahold of my wife. When the friend calls my wifes number it says number no longer in service. Maybe my wife blocked her number. The friend considers my wife her best friend. I followed the rules this time and didn;t tell the friend any details.
5. My wife is lining up child care for post divorce. I currently watch my daughter 4 nights a week. It sounds like my wife wants 100 percent custody and hired help will watch my daughter at night. My wife has insinuated that i'm not a good father. Interestingly she had no problem with me watching our daughter at nights for the last 2.5 years. I will let my lawyer handle this one if my wife ever gets around to filing papers.
6. I try to avoid contact with my wife but we cross paths sometime. Lots of anger to me. I guess thats a trait of WW's. I've read boundaries post but have a hard time implementing them. I dont think fast on my feet and not the best verbal communicator.
Well she could also be mad because now everyone at work knows about her A.
Small anecdote…
I’m at work and the wife comes home from her shift. She can’t get the garage door open either with her transponder or the keypad. She try’s the keypad 5 times and decides I’ve changed the passcode. She gives up and goes inside thru the front door. The power is out, she goes to bed. I come home later and she asks me if I got the garage door open. I say yes, she then accuses me of changing the passcode. She mentions the electric was out for a little while but sees no relation between the electric being out and garage door not opening for her. She asks if I’ve changed any other passwords. Errrh..
So I as I mentioned in my previous post, my wife has asked me to move out of the house. I was firm and told her I will stay at the house to the divorce is finalized. She had not filed at that time.
So she comes back this week and asks to separate our finances. Currently all money comes into the joint accounts and all bills paid thru joint account. We agree to have our pay checks deposited into our individual accounts. We break up bills individual vs family expenses. We will keep the joint account open only to pay the minimum family bills (mortgage, lights, water). We agree on how much to fund the joint account each month.
Next she brings up the divorce. Previously I said I would not discuss divorce and if she wanted one just go file and I will deal with it. As I previously suspected she is trying a “do it yourself divorce”. She picked up the paper work at the county clerk’s office. We went over the house, money, retirement plans, debt and our child. It was a heated discussion at time. When it was all said and done we agreed in principal on a fair split. My wife said she would complete the paperwork by Oct 1st.
So now “the rubber meets the road.” Let’s see if she follows thru and files. I still want her to do all the heavy lifting and file the papers on me. But this is her out if she wants it.
I reviewed all this with my marriage (now individual) counselor. My IC wants me to act on the divorce and help my wife fill out the paper work to expedite the process. She thinks it’s a good deal and I need to act on it. My IC thinks it’s not worth saving the marriage based on what I’ve told her about my wife. I know DB and “5 Languages of Love Book” believe all marriages can be saved. I’m leaning towards ignoring my IC’s advice on this one. Its free will at this point guys…
Why did your IC believe it's not worth saving? Did you read DBYet?
Why did your IC believe it's not worth saving? Did you read DBYet?
My IC thinks the wife has something called BPD Borderline Personality Disorder. I never heard of it. Looked it up and yes she meets some of the traits. and does explain some things about her being overly sensitive.
Unless your IC is specifically your W's IC, then I would take that with a grain of salt. He can only diagnose if he actually had her as a patient one on one. In any event, does the IC believe in MLC?
So following up on finance and divorce talk of last week.
We have separated our car insurance and cell phone plan. The wife has taking steps to refinance her car for the loan is only in here name. We are having our paychecks deposited in our individual accounts. The joint account will be funded each month with an agreed upon $$ and account will only be used to pay mortgage, lights and water.
The wife has started the divorce paperwork. She has decided not to hire a lawyer and will do a "DYI, Home-Brew." I shall wait for the papers to be served.
So we are about 3 months post bomb drop. I have not posted in about a month.
Durn this time, I was out of town for 5 days and had a PA. When I got back to town it continued as an EA. I know what I did and am doing is wrong, I guess it gives me some comfort. Due to the distance I will probably not be able to see the person in the near future. My wife hacked into one of my email accounts and saw the communication and pictures of us. My wife still wont admit her affair but now takes great pleasure that she can now say she is the victim. I think it hurt her.
This has accelerated the divorce process. We have been working on a uncontested divorce. The divorce talks have been heated at times but we are 99% complete and ready to file. The house is also on the market and forsale. We arrange our schedules for we don't; see each other much. We each try to stay out of the house while the other is home. My wife goes out and stays out all night at least once a week. I don't; ask or care where she goes.
Durn the last three months I really don't recognize my wife, both physically and emotionally. At one point I thought there was a small chance she was on drugs.
My friends have told me to accept the facts that my marriage is over. At times I;m looking for to my new life after divorce. I told my IC to stop saving my marriage and just guide me thru the divorce process.
I;ve been spending a lot of one on one time with my daughter. Going to parks, water parks, movies, libraries, malls and movie theaters. Its been great. I'm learning how to cook more for I can feed my daughter good meals post divorce.
There is still a part of me hoping she calls off the divorce. The other day I thought I got a glimpse of my old wife. She has reconnected with an old friend that was a positive influence on her throughout our marriage.
Sorry for the information dump.
I was served with divorce papers on Halloween day. Since I live in a "public records" state. I easily looked up "Mr. Wonderful" He and his wife filed the same week. My wife still wont admit there's an affair, but i've stopped asking. I started looking for an apartment.
Just to close out the thread. My marriage ended in Divorce. May never know the answers and thats Ok. Was it a MLC or WW or was she just BPD..Sure I can share in the blame.
Hindsight 20/20...I was ill prepared for D-day. Me stumbling into the EA evidence, I could of sat on it for awhile to come up with a plan. I think there was an opportunity to save the marriage but that was a small window of 1 week post d-day.
Signing off.