Looks like my other thread is about to lock.
I've been here a while, so I'm sure you all know the story so far.
Usual script. H has dipped in and out of our r. Although he denies it, I saw messages confirming an ea a few months back. They had a fall out, he reached out to try and connect to me. He was super affectionate. I fell pregnant. A week or so after telling him I was pregnant (he was super happy to find out- even said we were one closer to the 10 he wants with me!!) he began to pull back again. Once again I snooped and discovered the ow was back on the scene (he still denies it)
It all quickly began to unravel. He can give no reason except "he's just not happy", usual bs, tells me he will always love me as the mother of his child(ren), I'm a good woman, good mother, good wife he thinks I'm beautiful.
He told me at the weekend that he intended to file, yesterday I saw his notes from L, not sure if he filed, but I saw all his plans. Citing unreasonable behaviour as his reason for D.
So today I'm a ball of emotions. Understandably in this situation, I'm also pregnant so that just adds to the crazy emotions.
After feeling like I wanted to hide away from the world. I thought I'd get my act together. Got some general advise to financial support as a single parent. Also made appointments to see L's to find out where I stand.
I'm trying to keep moving forward. Seeking legal advise is one thing. My emotional wellbeing is also key. I have my homework thank you SH. And I am reaching out to my support system so I can GAL, got a fun day out planned for tomorrow with S.
A lot of this is going to be faking it for a while. It's also going to be me pushing myself to my absolute limits. And it's hard, and I'm struggling. I find myself from being furiously angry towards h, and then the worst feeling, the one I feel right now. The aching gut wrenching feeling of your heart breaking. And feeling like the person you want to go for comfort, the only one who could comfort me and hold me and tell him all would be okay would be him. He's the only person I've ever felt true love for, and I'm mourning the fact that that is gone. And that yes, I love him, but he doesn't love me anymore.
The sooner I can come to terms with that and find happiness and contentment within myself the better.
I haven't seen him for the last few days. He seems to avoid me. Like some kind of roach, he hides away when he hears me, and when he thinks I'm in my room or bathroom. He scuttles out. I guess I am that obstacle that is in his way from "being happy" and he resents me for that.
Cherry, I just read a fascinating article that explained how the limbic (primitive) part of the brain can flood the frontal cortex (higher rational brain) with adrenalin when stressed, causing us to make bad decisions. It has a function when we are in acute physical danger - to get us to act instead of think when seconds count. But this psychologist wrote about how it can make someone leave their spouse to get relief. He called it 'relief divorce' and said people often regret having left years later, when their ability to emotionally regulate is improved. I felt this applies to a lot of the situations I read about here.
Cherry,
I wish we could hang out. My H pulled a great number today too!
I'd make fun of our H's and our messy lives and I'd make you laugh. Soon, you will have 2 beautiful children and they will be your world.
(((Cherry)))
Have been crazy busy with work. Will check back on you again.
Painter, that's really interesting. During one of h's crazy rambling sprees he told me that he may well regret this in a few years time, "but at least I will learn". And that is his direct quote. So blasé at major life decisions.
Altair, funnily enough I have just read your entire thread and caught up on your sitch. Your wording amused me, I like that you still have humour about you even in this unbelievably sh*tty situation. I agree, I think we could for sure have a great time! I think we need to find things to make us smile through this.
Grl, thank you. I hope you are good.
Cherry,
It's all i have. A tiny, warped kernel of humor. the kind at the bottom of the bowl. (cackles into universe)
If I can make you smile, then I've accomplished something today. Really. And even if I can't get out of bed all day and go do something, I've made you smile. So I've accomplished something from bed.
Why can't you get out of bed. Is it your health or are you feeling down.
Humour is always appreciated, so is a fiesty streak. I feel I have an alter ego at times, the feisty cherry comes and picks the sad one up. And when she takes over, she gets to business. She will move mountains.
And that's where I need to be. In this situation, it's time to throw the crown on and show them who's boss!!
I can't get out of bed because i don't own a pair of L's to spike down and win.
Just kidding, I am totally depressed and floored and bed seems like a great place to hide, especially on a business trip.
I am blown away by this person who needs to see other people/etc/etc not the person i fell in love with. So, what is even real now?
You get it.
what is real is my mattress and my pillow and blanket. Feels good. Rest of world: feels not good
I totally get that feeling.
And I get the frustration and utter confusion of where has this person gone. I'm tempted to take down the happy pictures of us in my room. It all feels like a great lie. Seeing his face and all these memories of us, wedding pics, travelling pics are just totally painful.
I wish there was a quick fix out of this to make us feel better. I guess detachment is the magical ingredient.
If you're feeling down, make it into a kind of home/bed spa for yourself. Have a good bath, wash your hair. Put a facemask on, give yourself a mani. Anything, however small that makes you feel a little better about yourself. This is about learning to love ourselves.
Maybe go for my old favourite, do some online shopping. Get yourself a few cute new outfits. New clothes always make you feel good, and hey if he notices "oh, this old thing" then that is just a happy bonus.
Just a quick check in on dear Cherry.
I have been super busy, but wanted to see how the homework is going?
I wish there was a quick fix out of this to make us feel better. I guess detachment is the magical ingredient.
Unfortunately there is not a quick fix, but the time of spinning, pain and the feelings of not being in control can be shortened by much time by really implementing the LRT and then doing as much studying and implementing information about emotions, relationships etc.
I promise. It really does help. I see it in LBS here in this community when they get after it, and then there are others that just simply drag their feet and get stuck in the rumination.
Detachment is not an ingredient nor a destination.
It is an action.
It does not just happen.
You must choose to do it.
Think about it like exercise and eating as it relates to being healthy.
You can't just hope to be healthy and strong.
You have to choose to do the work and be disciplined and then get to it.
Is it hard at first?
Damn right it is.
It hurts, it is uncomfortable and well it's not very fun.
But as you stick to the right diet, and regular exercise, then it becomes easier and even reaches a point that you actually enjoy it.
This is the same with healthy loving detachment.
You can do this.
I look forward to your update on the homework.
Painter this is fascinating.
I understand a fair but about this. I read: The Chimp Paradox. Basically your limbic node is your chimp brain. It is one of the oldest parts of the brain. It is uber fast and everything goes through it. If thoughts make it out to your frontal lobe, the human, thinking brain, which takes much longer, you get to rationalise and act like a human. Emotion driven actions are usually a result of thinking with the limbic node. This is when people are most suceptable to poor choices - WS thinking.
Definately worth a read.
Surfer.
Not sure on down the road Cherry. Am from nearer you but lived in the big smoke for well 10 yrs.
Surfer.
SH thoughts on detachment are great here Cherry.
Keep taking action! But not with your limbic node!!!!
Surfer.
A quick note on detachment.
We're addicted/attached to our spouses. Some ppl can quit cold turkey. Some pple beed repeated attempts. Some ppl need external professional support. Some ppl rely on friends. Some pple need all the help that they can get.
There is no right or wrong route. Don't feel pressured into thinking that there's only one way to do.
I would know. I am not one to quit turkey.
But Cherry, we all need to start somewhere. And keep on keeping on.
Maybe we can start looking at it as trying to quit something less hardcore like smoking.
What do you need? Nicotine patches? Something to distract you? Exercise? Keeping yourself busy?
Maybe you can list down what you need to do and we can help keep you on track.
(((Cherry)))
Cherry, one thing to keep in mind is, detaching isn't giving up. You never know what the future will hold. Feelings are just feelings, and they change when the situation does. Maybe he doesn't think he loves you TODAY, but that doesn't mean tomorrow won't be different.
I heard all the same things from my H. He wasn't happy...I was a great woman and the mother of his children but he'd never love me like a wife again. He wasn't willing to even try because he did not WANT to love me again. Of course, there was an OW in the picture, but he insisted she had nothing to do with his feelings and he never got with her until he "knew in his heart" it was over with me. Blah, blah, blah. He was cold, withdrawn, and intentionally nasty, and filed for D with the furor of a trapped animal trying to escape a cage. It's been 10 months since then, and now we have flipped roles. When I stopped pursuing him, agreed the M was a lost cause and started moving forward, it stopped him dead in his tracks. When he saw me building a new life and happy without him, he panicked. Now that he feels like *he's* the one who's been rejected instead of him rejecting me, he's the one texting, emailing and calling me, begging for another chance, telling me he can't imagine his life without me. People want what they can't have. The OW is appealing because she's off limits... The LBS is easy to walk away from because they know they can have us whenever they want.
Flip the script. Let the man go. Send him off with love for the person he used to be, wish him well, and then move on with your life. Take away his choice in the matter. Right now, he knows he can come back if he wants to. As long as he knows you're waiting and wanting him, he's in control and there is no motivation to change. Take that away from him. Be happy without him. You are the prize and he messed up. Now you walk away and if he wants you, he has to chase and win you back.
I really feel for you going through this while pregnant. I went through a pregnancy alone during separation too and it was one of the more difficult things I've ever experienced in my life. Do you have a good support system?
annab
Firstly, sorry to hear you H is not on the right page yet - but wow, turnaround city!
Great insight. This will be helpful for Cherry - particularly from a F perspective...
I have a question or two if you don't mind (sorry Cherry you did say I could 'Squat'! on your thread). Namely;
1.Would you have H back (if he had genuinely changed)?
2.Have you dated, been tempted (I have not yet, doesn't feel right, I am married), but the attention would be a boost...
3.My biggie at the moment. WW has a lot of money - she raided an account I set up for her (trusting fool!). I am paying a monthly sum - what I used to pay for food, shopping etc. Not formal, just what I used to put into the joint account. My wife is cake eating big time. I am not asking what I should do, what would you do? - you are not advising me - stop the payments, tell her the money she has is enough for comfort for at least 2 years, or what? I feel she is the Pillsbury Doughboys best friend at the moment.....I could of course, just think, see you in 2 years, when all the cupboard are empty of cake.....
Thanks.
Surfer.
Thank you all guys for the support. I've had a lovely day out with my S. He throughly enjoyed himself, and seeing the look of joy and happiness on his face made me happy. Genuinely happy.
I know detachment will not come easily, I know some days I'm going to have to force myself out. But I'll do it, I'm determined. I want to get myself into a better mind frame- one which doesn't involve thinking about him.
The workings of the human body truly amaze me, and yes- I can quite see the resemblance between wh and a monkey right now.
I think what will help me to detach is to keep busy, and by that I mean GAL ing with friends, or with family, or taking my child out. Last time I didn't utilise my support network, this time I fully intend to take advantage, these people genuinely care for me. So I should make the effort and get out and keep social.
Annab, thanks for your advise, and good for you switching those roles around. You're right, they do want what they can't have. And right now, he will be able to sense that I'm hurting and want my family together. It helps that in a way, I've kind of had to go cold turkey. I rarely see him as it seems he avoids me. But when he does see me, I try to appear upbeat and busy doing my own thing. With regards to a good support system, I'm lucky. I've got lots of great people supporting me, not telling me to kick his ass to the curb, just focusing on me and my child(ren). Part of this support system is my MIL, she, in no uncertain terms told him that she would not stand by and support his decision.
Surfer, squat away. Mi casa, su casa amigo.
My house is yours too if you need a squat!!
Did you have that chat with the MIL. You know the one that you had been anxious about? Or did I miss that..? Sorry if I did.
Surfer.
Cherry...that's totally it. Detachment can't be faked. They can sniff out whether you mean it or not. I temporarily left the state last summer on a "trial break," but still desperately wanted to reconcile. I told H we were done, but he saw right through me and continued to do exactly as he pleased and treated me like the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. This time, I detached for real and no longer cared about the outcome of our marriage. He saw that and started reaching out to me...which I ignored. The more I ignored him, the more frantic he got to get my attention. Keep faking it until you make it. GAL lots and keep yourself distracted so you don't have time to obsess about it. You will get there! Mostly, just don't give up hope no matter how bleak it looks in the moment.
Surfer...I'm going to start another thread of my own and I'll tackle your questions over there so we don't have to squat on Cherry's. I've got a few errands I have to run, but I'll get back with you today as soon as I have a few minutes to sit down and write a bit about my stuff.
I was anxious about my MILs chat with him. They had that, and I managed to cool myself. I know that she has my interests at heart, and I know how strongly against this she is.
Annab, it must be a sense that can pick up on. When I first met him, he chased me, I know how he is when he is chasing after someone. I think keeping myself busy is going to be my key. Where hope is, I feel like I'm preparing myself for the worst, it feels unbelievably bleak right now. He's completely avoiding me, but then he's also avoiding his child. He gets home from work and locks himself away. He then will either go out when everyone else is in bed, or he will scuttle down and make some food when he thinks there's no chance of being seen.
MIL went to see him, he was just sat in his room with a big envelope, I saw that he asked his L to send the papers to work. In presuming this is what this is. This makes me anxious, but then what's the use in worrying and mindreading.
Trying to remain focused on what a nice day I've had with my child
He is going to send the D papers to your workplace?
Ugh. That svcks.
Have someone with you when it happens.
Surfer...I posted my replies to you in my new "Anna 2.0" thread.
Sorry to interrupt, Cherry.
He is beyond words sometimes/ most of the time these days.
Focusing on my little ones smile today and the lovely memories we made. H is continuing on his crazy train. Completely ignored s when he came home and closed the door on him. He didn't seem too bothered. He is showered by love from me, I shall remain his constant.
Good evening Cherry.
Any updates on the homework?
I hope you are having a peaceful night.
It's going well, I'll update more later.
Wh is in full on anger mode with me. Previously he would still be seen, or sit down to meals, say hello, or tell me when he's going out.
Now he closes himself off from the world. Hides out in his room and comes and goes as he damn well pleases. Mindreading here, but I'm guessing the anger is he just wants out from me, so he can't stand to see me. He practically lives in his room, eats sleeps, everything closed off from the world.
So I'm back more so in the anger mode as I just feel so disrespected. I'm a good woman, I'm the person he would be a fool to leave. This morning, got me and S out and went to visit my family. He had already gone out without a word. But right now i could not care less. He told his mum that he has seen a few flats, I have to find out things from her. Right now, he is just dragging me down. He said to his mum what does he have to be happy about. Hmm lemme see, a healthy happy toddler, another on the way? And not that he realises, but a hella good woman he has pushed right away. More fool you!!
We're going to have a day surrounded by happy people who love us. And family who will play and keep little one entertained.
Good on you, Cherry!
Make use of and harness this anger.
His anger is his - it's prob more about his own guilt, poor life choices and existential angst. Although it svcks that he's projecting it on you.
How are you coming along with the legal stuff?
Yeah, exactly. It's his anger. His problem. It is annoying though, as it gives the impression that I'm this horrible person and it is impossible to live under the same room. I guess in his eyes, I am what stands blocking "his happiness".... Pffffff f*ck you.
Got some general legal advise re money I would be entitled to as a single mom. Also learnt he will pay child support and spousal support as I made sacrifices re my career for our family.
Have a proper comsultation with my L on Monday so I will have everything lined up then. I hate that we're at this place. But I'm feeling more confident that I have a plan should I need to use it
Cherry, great that you're seeing a L. It's so important to know your options, it's about taking your power back and not be at the mercy of someone making bad decisions.
When you see him act or talk as if you are a horrible person, remember that he's playing out an inner scenario where he has to justify leaving his pregnant wife. That takes a lot of make-believe! Part of the way to do that, it's to treat you badly so you are angry and upset when he's around. It's a setup. They do outrageous things, then when you react, they point to your reaction as a reason to leave.
If he spent time with you behaving normally, he would be confronted with the fact that you are not like what he's pretending, so it would mess with his justification.
If you're nice and courteous when he's around and you don't make scenes, it will make it harder for him to justify himself.
Painter, that's exactly how I see it. I don't know or care how he paints me out to ow, or anyone else for that matter. I know, and he knows I'm a good woman. On his spewing guilt sprees he's said: "you don't deserve this" "you're beautiful, a great woman, a great mother, a great wife" which is followed by chapter 1, verse 2 of the wayward bible: "but I'm just not happy".
That's how I see it that if he pushes my buttons and I go cray cray, or start acting in a certain way. It will totally justify his behaviours. So, I take away that power, u remain upbeat (not that he sees me) and I get by with my life. And he doesn't have that reason to blame me for anything. I'm trying my best no matter how angry, don't rise to it. Last week during a difficult conversation. When I felt I was going to either shout or cry, I excused myself and said I was a little emotional and that I would talk to him when calm.
I read some great advise from RSG on jugs thread today. I copied it so I could remind myself of this:
Being rejected or losing the AP might help some, but you never know if they'll want to come home or just go out looking for some other fix. I think it has more to do with losing YOU. Seeing you becoming a better man, even better than you were when they were happy and in love with you. Watching you change, knowing you're doing just fine w/o them while they're spinning and don't really know what to do.
H is spinning like mad right now. He is so withdrawn and depressed. His circus, his monkeys
Ha, I have to keep reminding myself of that too! Glad you found it so helpful.
My W still pushes buttons to get me angry, and the "worst" response I have given lately is calm and stern. I can't imagine leaving my W when she was pregnant. I called her pretty so many times despite her ballooning up to almost 300 lbs (that was about 60+ lb weight gain) with that little beach ball growing in her tummy.
You deserve to be angry (more than probably all of us), but until you've got a better grasp of it (this is VERY VERY hard) try as hard as you can to fake it. Luckily I've been able to control mine, but it took lots of work, lots of unloading on my therapist and lots of practice.
Sounds like you're doing well, keep it up!
Yeah I did, it's amazing sometimes how it just takes one thing to click and you think hang on that's right, that's why I'm doing this. I think we all need a reminder of why we are doing this at times, and also why we should not match their sh*tty mood swings.
A lot of people have said that to me, and it's something I didn't ever think he would do. But hey he's gone ahead and done it! I'm certainly having a good go at this.
Just a quick question to make sure I'm on track. So like I say, he hides out in his room, avoids contact with me. When I return home or something like that, do you think I should go and say hey? Or am I doing the right thing at the moment by leaving him be and getting on with my own thing?
If I were you, I would not make a point to go say hey. He is the one who has withdrawn from the relationship, so if he wants to talk to you, he needs to be the one reaching out. When someone asks for space, either explicitly or by their actions, give it to them. By following him into his space and trying to initiate communication, you are pursuing and showing him how much you have still not detached. Leave him be. You don't have to be rude, ignore him, or be unkind. If you find yourself in the same room as him through ordinary circumstances, polite chit chat is fine. Just don't go out of your way to reach out to him. Be neutral. Treat him like the next door neighbor who has no impact on your life. Be friendly and upbeat if you see him...don't worry about it if you don't. He checked out on you, not the other way around. The only thing you have the responsibility to fix is yourself. Anything more is his job.
That's been my school of thought and what I've been doing so far. I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing.
Found out he's started a smoking habit sneakily. He's never ever in his life smoked, apart from hookah. Doesn't seem like a happy person, more like someone who's reaching out for some kind of vice.
In better news, me and s have had a great day surrounded by love and laughs. AND can't be certain, but I am pretty sure I can feel those early flutterings of my baby. Any mami's out there know that this is the best feeling in the world.
What a sweet feeling. I remember it almost 16 years ago.
I think you are right about him needing a vice. Like addiction transfer, seeking a high or avoiding stress. Denial worked forme, my 'drug'. Nothing works but dealing with reality. Are you familiar wit the children's book, We're going on a Bear Hunt? Great and fun book with a great message on reality and dealing with obstacles in life and adventures ... the theme is "We can't go over it, we can't go under it, oh no! We have to go thru it!"
I was reading that book to s today! So true.
That's the way I see it, it's a vice. A few weeks ago when he started this BS he was the one appearing really happy, and I was the one looking for some kind of escapism (I think denial was my safety net) and looking withdrawn and depressed.
Now, I'm out and about, enjoying my child. And while I am still hurting, I am still smiling and having moments of genuine happiness and fun with my child.
Feels like these roles have had a slight switch. White anger is helping me push on today, and that feeling gave me a "I couldn't care less" approach to my day.
Lovely news with the fluttering!
On the saying 'hey'. Back when in a similar sitch I used to be upbeat and positive. Always saying 'good morning' (or 'morning') happily - even though I often felt very differently. Did it do any good. Yes for me, it kept me up beat.
I even said it the day after she tore my anniversary card up within inches from my face (unopened), thew it in my face and said "I don't want your F**king Card and I dont want you!". I didn't react; I didn't want the kids to wake. I just said I am sorry you feel like this and went to bed. In the morning, the first thing I said was "Good morning"!!
Like I say, not sure it does you any good but it does show that bully in them they will never win.
Your choice, it probably makes little difference really. I would just go with what you feel is 'you', at your core.
Surfer.
Our anniversary is tomorrow. I've nothing planned and certainly nothing expected, shall just be another day.
If I see him, I'm upbeat enough. He walked through the room me and s were in and I said hello. He said he was going out, so I said to s to say bye bye to daddy. S didn't even look up. I said go on, say bye. Go give him a kiss. He still didn't look at him. So wh, said in going and that was that. It breaks my heart that s doesn't want to know. But then can I honestly blame him right now. As soon as wh went, s was back chatting away to me. There's nothing I can do, I'm not bad mouthing him in front of s ( I don't think he would understand anyway if I did), and I'm not keeping him away from his dad. Surely a wayward can feel pain from their child ignoring them?!
I guess I just need to carry on being a rock and a lighthouse for my s if no one else.
Sadly whatever he is going to is a drug - to him. And he needs a fix. He won't see what you see or your S. Until he sees the drugs don't work (name that tune!).
Wrong side. You still point at planes according to Peter Kay.....tsk.
Surfer.
It hurts in a way to watch him unravel in front of me. But I know I need to stay stepped back and allow him to travel this journey.
I must admit, I've lived in quite a few places in my life. And York is one place I've often thought to relocate to. Possibly my favourite city in the uk. So much history and character to it
Cherry - nothing much I can do but send you and the kids hugs. We all care about you.
Exactly. It's all about detaching sadly. The opposite of what you want really...
York is nice the. Again, you've got moss side.
Surfer.
Thanks Andrew. Even though I'm working on my detachment. I'm still angry and hurt that I heard him talking to the ow and agreeing to meet her near her house (so her family don't find out I presume). And the crazy in me wants to text or ring him and call him every name under the sun. And then the other part of me thinks, you're a d!ck. This skank and your "relationship" means more than your family does, so fVck you, and fvck her too!!
And breathe.
And surfer, why yes we do have moss side. Actually not quite as rough as it used to be. Central Manchester is under huge redevelopment. You can't move for craines!
Hi Cherry. You sound like you have gotten to a better place while I was lost in space this week.
It is very difficult to watch someone unravel, but there's nothing at all we can do to arrest their fall. My first sign that something was seriously wrong with my WH (one I didn't register as the major red flag that it was), was that my H started coming home once in a while smelling of cigarette smoke. He lied the first couple times that it was from "standing outside the bar (he claimed he was at a happy hour with coworkers, also a lie, but...) talking to a friend that smokes." Well, eventually I called him on it and he admitted that he had started smoking socially. I was baffled. Why pick up a dangerous habit, but more importantly, why lie about it? I just didn't understand then, but in hindsight it made a lot more sense.
Anyway, that was somewhat midway down in his spiral down into real waywardness. Prepare yourself to see and find out more, Miss Cherry. I hope it doesn't come to pass, but just be ready.
The fluttering feeling must be so incredible. Focus on your son and your little fluttery baby tomorrow whenever you feel a twinge about the anniversary. Whatever else comes of your R with your WH, you have beautiful children, and nothing he does can diminish the joy they bring you.
(((((Cherry)))))
Thanks phoebe for the lovely words. They are truly what I'm focused on right now. After s ignoring h, and h not even trying with s tonight. It angered me, really angered me. The way people describe women as being lionesses that will fight to the death to protect their cubs. Well that is me, a wild Latin lion! And the way he acted like that to s, really angered me. I saw a change in the behaviour as soon as wh left, he was back to happy chatting and playing. I realised my 2 year old is even better at blanking people and blocking them out than I am, he must have inherited that from his father.
He is getting stranger/wilder/more depressed by the day. Taking up smoking, more frequent visits with ow. I'm not crying, I'm just P!ssed off with him.
I must admit, I did snoop and check his location tonight BUT, I had reason. I wanted to get a screen grab of his location at her house, so then I have potential evidence getting stacked together, you know just incase the mood takes me to serve him for adultery, and oooh you know, serve her too and have her pay my legal fees! I'm aware I sound pretty bitter. I'm not, or maybe I am. But the White anger has made a home and I just want to make sure me and my children are taken care of. I did a great research of d L's in my area. The one I'm meeting with Monday is one of the top rated in the entire country. If I mean business, I mean it.
I'm guessing they all find a vice. It takes a lot to deal with pain and try to better yourself productively. We all know there's days of such intense pain that you don't even want to get out of bed. But we fight through it, and work on us- that uses every scrap of strength we have in us.
Waywards however, they cause pain wherever they go. They may cheat, they may lie (wh, check and check), they certainly deny it. I guess they need something to help with the pain, and they simply are too weak- they don't have the strength we have inside to work on us. They take the easy route and start an addiction, the affair itself is one, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes.
Hearing them talking has to be one of the worst. I'm so sorry. Hang in there.
Cherry, jmho, but I would say that you should gather evidence for serving them. If skank doesnt want ppl to know about their A, then serving her will expose it to her family. I would love to make her pay for your legal fees.
Your H will probably be over the roof though, I will have to warn you.
Ask your L about this if you're serious about it.
Revenge fantasies can be fun as long as you don't end up hurting yourself more. I find it a slippery slope and I had to stop or go mad.
You are bouncing back so well cherry. Stay in your zone!!
Cherry, agree that it can be a slippery slope.
You have to ask your L about this. How much effort and how much does it take to serve skank the papers? Is it worth the time and expense? Are you able mentally, emotionally and physically able to do what it takes? How will gathering evidence affect you emotionally?
If you can do this, then I don't see why you shouldn't serve skank.
I really don't see why skank shouldn't be made to pay your legal fees if it's really doable. She is a very big reason why you have to pay any legal fees in the first place.
I feel that this is not revenge. This is about reasonable consequences. She breaks up a marriage and causes you to incur legal fees. If the law can make her pay, why not?
Sweetheart, you know my background long enough to know that I can be rather hard-nosed when it comes to legal issues. I readily admit that it's because I was never given the full options by my L and I feel hard done by them.
But Cherry, I am also not asking you to be obsessed about this option. I only advise you to take this option if it benefits you mentally and financially.
And if after talking with your L, you find that this is not a viable option, then sweet Cherry, you need to stop checking up on your H.
After such a rambling post, the point I want to make is that your snooping must benefit you mentally and financially. If not, it is only a big hindrance in your road to detachment.
I am not asking you to take revenge. Revenge to me is stalking the skank and her family, obessessing about her and hell-bent on making her life miserable. Revenge is setting yourself on fire to get smoke in her eyes.
So dont set yourself on fire but do explore all possible options.
Thanks grl, what do you mean by over the roof? That he would be happy that I've done it?
I'm not ready yet to decide that this is what I want. I do still want to have hope for the M. But I'm also angry at the way I'm being treated. I'm just gathering together my options. I'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I feel like getting a plan in mind means I would fear the future less. But I will run all of this by my L and see what my options are.
I have no doubt that this will get blown out there anyway, people always have a way of finding things out.
I haven't really snooped or checked up on him, but I did it last night because I heard him arrange to see ow. So I knew it might be an idea to gather some evidence should I ever need it. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But I'd have some either way.
S still will not go to wh. He tried to get him to come and sit with him today, s just ran and hid from him. Wh left it at that and walked away. So for this very reason I know I need to remain strong. I have to be there as a safe place for my child and keep him reassured that he is very much loved and he is safe with his stable, constant mami.
Oh it's awful that you have to witness something like that Cherry. We can just about cope with the indifference towards us but when it is directed at their own kids it's heartbreaking. My D's dad, my ex, was awful to my daughter when we split up. Got himself a girlfriend straight away and pretty much ignored her when she stayed with him. Consequently she hasn't seen him since she was about seven and she is now fifteen. They are the ones who will miss out eventually so I do hope he comes to his senses fast as he can never get this time back...
I can't comprehend how people can do that to their own child. Especially when he's always been a hands on dad, I've always had nothing but praise for him because from the moment I was pregnant with my first- he was hands on, feeling the kicks, talking to bump, at every antenatal appointment- you name it he was there, so enthusiastic and excited.
His own dad was a waste of space, he left when h was a toddler, he's never seen him again, and never contacted him. Then his step dad turned out to be an evil abusive man. There's no debating he's had a rough time and still carries a lot of raw emotion.
My s doesn't seem at all phased when he's with me, he's his usual bubbly loving lil man.
That's the most important thing Cherry, that you can remain the constant in his life so he can be himself but I know how much it hurts to see their own Dad behaving like that.... The hardest thing is trying to stay strong for them while you try and keep yourself from falling apart. They are so selfish!
They are selfish, they're so focused on making themselves happy that they don't seem to care about the trail of destruction that they leave along the way. It is hard, but in a way it's sent me into protective mode. So pretty much all of my thoughts and energy has gone to making sure he is happy and still feeling loved.
These children are an absolute gift. The most precious people in the world, and pure innocent. And I will do my absolute best by them.
Just wanting a bit of advise and to prep.
Wh has text me (still under the same roof....!!) to say that he has spoken to a L and we need to discuss our situation and the next steps.
I still stand by saving my M. I've said this to him before. And while I am still very much annoyed with him and know a lot would need to change. I know that I do not want some fast track divorce happening.
I am speaking to my L tomorrow (he doesn't need to know this). So I know where I stand. And I will ask him about contesting it. I don't want to be bullied into something and have it all over and done with rapid, it's a life changing decision. And it affects an entire family.
I'm not sure how in the best db-ing sense I would answer this. So need some ideas. Obviously I'm not begging him, I'm not crying at him. I'm a little way over in anger for that, and I've been mentally getting my thoughts collecting that this is real and it's happening. I just know how to deal with this convo, and state what I want and how we move forward without me acting on emotion.
The more I seem to find out. The more it makes me question why I am standing for my marriage. I've found out that in an attempt to get his mom to support his decision, he has told her that I've been cheating on him. Whilst pregnant with our first. This is while I was completely put on bed rest, the entire of the pregnancy. While he was absolutely doting on me. And while my MIL spent all day every day looking after me, and taking me in and out of hospital. I can't actually believes he thinks anyone could believe these lies. It actually is the ramblings of a mad person.
It's also very very insulting when I have never even slightly come close to cheating. Ever. But clearly he is now scheming some lies to justify his crazy thoughts. I'm annoyed, but I also know he has nothing on me, as there's nothing to find.
But he literally seems as though he is rapidly unraveling. He really sounds like he is going mad. He looks awful, skinny, withdrawn, tired, pale, drawn out. He doesn't look good at all. And that's kind of hard to see. But I can't help him, even if I wanted to. And he wouldn't want me to.
Still need to prepare for this conversation. Any advise is greatly welcome
Cherry - the biggest question you need to ask yourself before meeting with your L - what is it that YOU want? Let's assume that even though you don't want it that the D happens. How can you best protect yourself and your little ones and provide for their future?
Depending on the L they may do what mine started to do which was pull out forms and start filling them in. I put a stop to that because I went for advice instead of clerical skills so watch for that too. This may be all routine for them but it's your life and future and that of your babies that is on the line here.
You've mentioned contesting the D - I'd suggest that you decide what that "means" to you - what is it you are wanting to achieve. Your L will perhaps interpret that as looking for a bigger settlement. If your goal is to delay things, then state that as your goal.
Take paper, make notes, ask for copies of things if necessary. DO NOT let WH have them. The more questions you have written down in advance the better - you're paying by the hour for this, make every minute count.
Good luck. You can do this - sending you hugs.
The settlement is not my goal. I know I'm financially alright with a well paying job and paid maternity leave. I know he will have to pay spousal support and child support. I'm not interested in being the scorned woman of "take him for every penny". Money won't bring me joy. Nor will it keep my family together.
Delaying things would be what I want. I know that my wh may never come back. I also know I don't want him how he is right now. I just don't want this moving full speed ahead.
I'm wondering what I will say with my wh when we sit down to have the R talk he wants. He wants a d, I don't. He's seen his L and looking to move things along. I've already told him that this is not what I want. But he doesn't care, right now he just wants to end things quickly. I don't see how this will be a productive conversation. I know to validate, but still just don't know how I handle this. It will be a conversation of "I want a D" "okay I don't". I just honestly dunno what to say
Cherry
Pale and skinny could be stress.
Is he taking drugs? Have you thought about this?
My WW looked the same. I am sure it was stress. I thought it could have been drugs. But I don't think it was/is.
If it's stress he will look 'mad', 'confused' - drained. How does he look? Has his sleeping pattern changed. This is usually a sign. Is he sluggish in the morning?
Yeah he doesn't seem to get many hours sleep. Although he has just laid in bed all day and says he's slept all of today.
I don't think he's took drugs at all, I've been around people that have done various drugs and he doesn't appear that way. But I did catch him smoking, he's never smoked and always hated it.
He looks totally down, and to be honest, kind of pathetic. I've seen him ignore me/be quiet; but he hasn't appeared in this way before. He looks like a guilty person just dragging himself around. A few weeks ago, he appeared very confident, now he just appears totally the opposite
I guess this isn't my problem. He may blame me. He may not. But one thing for sure is that he's not looking good .
Okay. That's good!
He's feeling the pain of his own actions by the sounds of it.
Sit back. Stay calm. Be kind.
We what happens.
Time to be the rider not the horse!
Focus on you and the little one.
Take care.
Surfer.
'See' even. 'We' (duh). Rubbish on my phone. Think my screen is broken...actually I don't think, I know......
Hey Cherry,
My H looked terrible during this time too. He lost so much weight people were asking me if he was on drugs. Life isn't all what they think it is going to be.
My advice re The D talk. Do you even need to have the talk? He's made it abundantly clear he wants a D and you've made it clear you don't. You reiterating that in words will only fuel him further. There is a difference between helping the D and stopping the D. Be in the middle. Do not hinder it, but take your time on the things you can. I received some very wise advice on here re legal discussions with H.
I'm going to have to speak with my L about that. Or those things will have to go through L.
This way it doesn't make you a bad guy on things and responses that aren't what he wants to hear. This leaves all discussions up to the L and keeps you out of the hot spot and away from conversations that won't end well.
Please stay away from him. He's toxic. He just wants justification for why he is doing what he is. Do not give it to him. Let him say whatever he wants to people... The ones that know
And love you KNOW the truth and that's what matters. I was so concerned with what he was telling our friends until one day my dad told me - do you think the people
That believe that crap are your friends?? Your friends know you better than to even think twice about believing that garbage. It is very true.
Also, be careful who you speak to. I learned quickly who my real friends were.
I would not give him any information. Just say you will have your L reach out to his to discuss further proceedings.
The past few days, especially since he has been ignoring my son, I seemed to naturally just move my focus to S. Making sure we go out and we have fun, we feel love. And I realise however tough all of this is- so long as I have my babies, I'll be okay.
Wh is way too much of a toxic land to even go near at the moment. What concerns me is he is in a rush to decide our families fate all based on his emotions.
Okay thanks for that T. That is my point entirely re this D talk. What's the point when all it would conclude in him saying he wants it, and me saying that I don't.
That's very true, and I was half expecting his attempts to fire me up. So far I've deprived him of them, and I'm making sure to really think before I act. I think he is closely watching me and pushing me to try and provoke a reaction of some sort so he can turn round and say "see, this is why I want a divorce". So I'm making sure I deprive him of that.
His own mom told him to go away and stop talking when he tried to insinuate I had done something. Maybe some people may believe him.. But deep down, he knows it isn't true. And I know I don't give a fvck. I've nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. It's like he's trying to throw me in this hole he has made for himself. But nah ah, I ain't joining you honey!
That's just part of the script. I swear it's like they all have the same manual to follow on what to do to screw up your life and look like an ass!
Just continue doing what you're doing. You will get there. I know it's hard and I struggled for a couple months before I started to really detach and come off that way to him.
It's like something in the air changes and they sense when you're letting go. I would just make a list of questions for the L tomorrow and write them down because you will likely be emotional and forget things to ask. I had a binder and notebookk with all important paperwork etc. I figured if I'm getting a D which I don't want I mind as well get as much as I deserve!!
Cherry, I so relate. The last "r" talk I had was one of which we determined we are at a stalemate. He wants D and I don't.
I haven't been able to read all of your posts, but what about therapy? At least to get some type of closure?
Thanks T. I've started to find things a bit easier the last week. There's not really been tears, and white anger has been a friend of mine.
I've an organiser at the ready for the L's. I just want to make sure that I get a fair deal, and custody of my babies. I don't mind him seeing them, taking them out. But they will remain living with me. And also his savings in his name that I've helped him save, I feel I deserve a cut of that.
It does seem all very script behaviour. Especially as his behaviour gets stranger by the day.
Mmm, it seems like the most pointless conversation in the world. Is your H planning on filing soon? I feel for you. Yeah I'm going to return to IC for my own benefit. And there's mental health midwives who can offer support and counselling whilst pregnant. There's zero point of seeing a MC as he will just use it as an excuse to say "look I've tried everything".
Met with the L, so now I'm a bit more clued up than before.
Only thing is, I've been told even if I was to contest, it would go to court and would be granted.
I know he would pay child support, spouse support and he would push for 50% of his savings.
My L would also put forward that my H would pay my legal costs, and that I will go for full custody. He would have access whenever he wants, days out etc. But the children live with me, I put them to bed and get them up in the morning.
Timescales I'm looking at, if he agrees to costs etc- 4-6 months and I will be divorced.
So while h is wanting this d, I have no choice in the matter. He knows my feelings. He knows I don't want this. But there's no option. He wants it, he will get it.
His convo re d, is pointless. If he brings up costs, settlements. I shall simply tell him, I don't want this. So I will just have to consult a L and they will deal with it on my behalf.
Met with the L, so now I'm a bit more clued up than before.
Only thing is, I've been told even if I was to contest, it would go to court and would be granted.
Cherry - I'm not too surprised at that result. Your words seem to indicate that you're bearing up OK - I hope your head and heart are too.
If you really really want him back - D is just another way-station on the path. Over time you'll need to decide where your own path will take you. Be proud of your hard work to do what you felt was right and stay strong.
Hey cherry, it feels better to be informed right?
Plus, you don't want to be married to someone who treats you that way and doesn't want to be married. Let him have the D ... Then you will be 'out of his way' and he can see you aren't the source of his problems. Like I said before .. Excuse yourself from everything you can that involves him so that he cannot put you to blame for anything that goes wrong. I wouldn't even say you don't want the D. He knows that... Just say you'll have your L reach out to his or something along those lines. again - he got the L first and he wants the D... Therefore you've retained a L and will be using it to your benefit because of his choices.
It will get better, I promise. Hang in there. I really think H needs to move out once you are served.
Cherry,
At least you know more now. I would sit back and do nothing. As you say, you have said it all now. If you get a letter, send it to your L. The rest you know.
For info. my W argued we were separated and had been for 2 years - as she had been living like the 'mad aunt' in the attic. I just said, no, we have dinner together every night. Perhaps that meant she had to move out???? IDK.
Anyway, still no papers.....and she could still serve them and argue we have been living separate lives, I can't really contest that if she wanted to.
Just for info.
Surfer.
Thanks for the support guys. Yeah Andrew, I didn't feel like the emotional wreck that I was last week when finding L's. I realised although this is not what I want, I can't control that. But what I can control is what I would want out of my L and what I want with regards to the best interests of our child(ren).
Thanks T, that's great advise with regards to not talking about it and saying deal with my L. Takes the stress and hassle off of me. I too think that. If he wants to D and keep everything seperate, that means he goes.
Yeah you're right surfer, I have said it all. And I may as well have explained this is another language as he chooses not to listen. It's like two bulls with locked horns. But yes it's been said, the spoilt brat spat out his dummy and said he wanted a d, and now he's on track to have one. Congratulations, you're an idiot.
After a day of ploughing through finances, legal advise, and budget planning. I am looking forward to a facemask, manicure and Netflix tonight. Feel I've used my brain capacity to its extreme.
One thing I meant to ask, is this a new Ow or the same from Previous DB??
All of that sounds so nice! Glad you are taking time for yourself
One more piece of advice, as I'm sure you're sick of hearing from me is probably the most important though. Please do not set aside you and your children's wants and needs in an effort to stay on his good side through the D.
To me asking for whatever is fair and right for you and the kids is of utmost importance. Remember no single thing you do or don't will make or break any hopes of R. Having known my H for 10 years during BD I was sure he wouldn't even know how to come home or ask to work things out. I just knew it wasn't like him and felt like I needed to tread carefully and always make him know I was there for him to come back. Worst mistake.... They know they have you.
Now is not the time to play nice and roll over with Regards to the D. You can be nice but still ask for what you want. The D is something you will potentially have to live with for your life so make sure you fight for what's in your best interest and the children.
My H as you know did everything and more that he had to do. Things I didn't even think he was capable of. They will do it if they want it bad enough.
This is a new ow. The last time he was absolutely shameless and admitted he was seeing someone. This time he's in utter denial and tells me "he made one mistake and he regrets those actions every day". But I'm no fool, I've seen the messages, I've seen his gps at hers. But the only person he is fooling here is himself. Still, not my problem. I'm not naive, nor am I stupid.
No I definitely won't. I said to my L what I wanted. And I stated clearly that the best interests of the children are to be with me, so I shall be going for full custody. Not saying he can't see them, he's welcome to. But a man who doesn't spend time with his children and is out all ours returning the next day does not have their best interests at heart.
I also stated how my career was put on hold in order for me to start a family and allow me to look after his sick mother. If I had worked full time, my salary would be around £15K a year more. So he said we would go for spousal support. My H also has considerably more in savings than me in his name, which he's saved during the M. So my L said we would go for half of that. My H told me a few weeks ago that he doesn't have savings anymore, which I know is a lie, up until a month or two I dealt with our finances and paperwork. I know he has a lot more, and it is locked in a high interest account which you have to give notice to withdraw. He doesn't spend much money on clothing etc. So I know he is trying to keep that from me, but my L said if he doesn't disclose he will be served with a court order to do so.
I'm by no means being a gold digger "take him for every penny", BUT. I will get what I'm entitled to. After all, this isn't what I wants. This is what HE wants. So this is how it works. It really isn't my problem.
In the back of my mind, I do have that thought that he is a proud man, he would never come back asking for another chance. But right now, I can't even think of that, because it doesn't seem like he ever would anyway.
All I can do is keep stepping forward, deal with the reality and take care of myself and the little ones.
Hey Cherry. I understand all of this and totally get your anger. But it is good to take a ptactical rather than angry mind into negotiations of any sort. Set out your goals. Then sit back. You still don't know how all of this will pan out. Be careful not to wish for what you don't really want. You know where you are and where you can aim for.
Surfer.
I get you surfer. I'm trying to think as practical as possible, and not act in any kind of anger or attempt to ruin him. At the end of the day, as much as he has hurt me, and as angry as I am, I'm going to deal with this with some poise and grace. I don't want to ruin him to the point he has nothing. He is the father to my children and I know at the end of the day as angry and hurt as I am, I am greatful he came into my life and had these beautiful babies with me. I don't want to see him absolutely struggling to live. Maybe he would deserve it for what he's done, but I'd like to think at some point I can get to that place where even if things go the way I don't want, that I can get along with him, and maybe even forgive and wish him well (I'm nowhere near that right now, that seems impossible).
Despite me trying to plant positive thoughts in my head before I sleep.
A bad dream managed to creep in. My h admitted to me he had multiple ow. It was also my wedding day, but for some reason I wasn't invited. And he kept telling me he didn't want me (i always have strange dreams when pregnant). But I was going mental, I kicked him multiple times in the nuts. I headbutted these multiple ow. I was just on a rampage. Then I was at my mums house in my old room, tearing down pictures and crying my eyes out saying how much I love him and that I'll be lonely all my life and I'll never love anyone like I loved him.
So I woke up feeling a little sad. Maybe my dream wanted to be cruel and throw some feelings I have deep inside at me.
Stupid dream! Why can't I dream about nice things
Hi Cherry, I'm sorry you had a rough dream. I can recall having those and it's not a nice start to the day. I haven't posted it in my thread, but I had a dream recently. In it, I was having a nice time with some friends and XH was hovering on the outskirts looking sad. I was thinking to myself - what's he doing here....ugh, does he want to talk about us reconciling??
I'm only trying to illustrate that, given time and effort in the right directions, our situation and feelings do shift.
I hope your day improves from a rocky start. The sun is shining here....xx
They do make you think. But then I just told myself that it was a dream- it was not real life (somewhat exaggerated version of real life).
So began to get on with my day. I guess there is a little sadness inside me that hasn't been there the last few days, but what can I do apart from keep walking forwards.
After a day of non stop vomitting. H comes home angry. Saying we need to talk and we need to do it away from the house. I've explained that I can't leave the house as I've been non stop sick. He angrily tells me that yes I can leave here to talk. I don't get his urgency and I don't get why it needs to be done outside of the house. And just like this, my anxiety is sky high again. And I'm thinking what on earth is it that needs to be this urgent, and outside of the house.
I just can't deal with this!
That's when you need to put your foot down and tell him no you are not going and will not be talked down to any more.
Thanks mr bond. I told him that I wouldn't go out. And if he starts to talk to me confrontational then I will tell him just that.
When you tell him, you have to look him square in the eye and maintain that eye contact. And stand tall. Get that inner strength back. You're on your way.
Thank you. I felt I was, but it's been a bit of an off day from the start. But you're right, I'll try my best to hold it together, and stand my ground. I'm not in the mood to be talked down to or bullied. The more I keep learning about him and the lies he has told about me has helped to seperate him from the man I married.
((Cherry)), has he no respect for the woman he married who is carrying HIS child! When he insisted you go out of the house to talk even though you said you were being sick, you should have just thrown up all over him!
Yeah that would have been an idea! I stood my ground and said I'd only speak to me if he treated me with respect, and if he wasn't ready to speak to me like a human being and not condescending then I'd wait until he could.
He apologised. He said he wanted to tell me he was going to file (I already know that because I saw his notes). He wanted to speak through it and hoped that we could do it as amicably as possible. I said that it's not what I want, but he knows that, and he also knows that there isn't a lot I can do about that. He said he didn't want to hurt me and can't help his feelings. I validated. He said he hoped we could get along for the kids. I spoke calmly and validated. I said I would instruct a L to deal with it for me. I said I wanted full custody, he agreed to that. I said I wasn't a money grabber so I wasn't set out to ruin him, he knew that. If anything he probably thinks he can do what he wants because I'm a decent human being. I told him it would be difficult right now to be a friend, as that's not the role I want. He doesn't know when he will file, he is trying to find a place to live first, and is shopping around for solicitors. He apologised for the way he feels, I validated and said I understand they are his feelings. He admitted he was struggling to come to terms that I'm pregnant because it's "not the right time", I said that while they are his feelings, I am happy and this baby is wanted in my eyes. I did get teary, damn hormones. But I kept it together, I thought everything through, and I spoke calmly. I didn't beg, plead or get angry.
When it felt like all was said, I got up and left. He thanked me for hearing him out and speaking l to him like an adult.
I can now have a little weep and get on with it. He's had his talk now. At the end of the day none of this was new information. I saw his plans last week, I knew he was going to do this.
Cherry - you did great sweetie. I hope you've had a good rest and will face the new day with bright eyes.
I find this abhorrent. What kind of man runs away from his family, while his wife is pregnant. The longer I'm here, the more I find divorce to be cowardly.....
You did a pretty damn good job, but the guy deserves to have plates thrown at him lol.
You did great, little mama. I do kinda wish you threw up all over him. He is such a selfish @sshole right now. Waywards are basically pod people who've taken our spouses hostage. Remember that because one day this man will realize what a monumental screw up he has done. If the divorce goes through he will suddenly realize that all these "feelings" had nothing to do with you and more to do with a lost man trying to fill his emotional holes with "feel good" stuff. Because without you in the picture he won't have anyone but himself for the sucking hunger within.
That is absolutely spot on, Sara. (I like your new name, by the way!)
Cherry, you did an amazing job during the awful R talk. All I can say is, whatever else he may do/have done, at least your WH had the guts to tell you that he wanted out. It doesn't feel any better, but at least he didn't just head for the hills without without some kind of explanation.
You are the Queen of Validation!
Hang in there, lovely.
((((((((((Cherry))))))))))
Thanks guys. Feeling a bit raw this morning after not a great deal of sleep.
Got a few things on to be keeping me busy. I guess the silver lining is that we went from full dishonesty, to at least partial.
Glad you all felt my validation went well. I've been doing my homework and tried my best. Even when I did feel like possibly throwing a few dishes!
I read an interesting post on someone's thread, by roist I think. It was saying about seeing the mood swings as a positive.
I hadn't really thought about this in that way, but I guess it does show his conflict is all him. Yesterday his body language was of someone scared, fragile, vulnerable. He looks completely troubled, and as much as he says it's because he feels he is trapped. I'm not quite sure I believe him.
Mentally and physically drained today, done a fair few things already today, and think I shall let S amuse himself in the garden while I watch. And then I shall hope and pray he takes a nap so I can. At least being pregnant is allowing me to nap, so sleepy!!
Just journaling. Kept myself busy today, spent some good time with S and met a friend for coffee. I held it together a lot better than I thought I was. My friend was asking a few q's about wh. And I eventually had to say, can we just not talk about this. It was just getting all a bit painful, I could feel my eyes beginning to fill so I had to stop there and then.
Only seen h briefly this evening as we passed in a hallway. Was just a polite friendly hello. That was that.
I've just spent the evening watching to shows after putting s to bed. One show I wished I hadn't watched. A drama, woman has baby, baby daddy finally decided to step up after the baby was born and proposed with one of these romantic speeches. Fresh out of a telenovela style. And I felt that sadness, and felt teary. Didn't quite cry, but it was a close call. It just bought along memories of having my S. How great and supportive he was in a labour which almost took both me and S's life. And then that joyous moment and how happy and in love we felt, like our family unit had become real. Just all painful reminders, I know, no point in looking back. But just thinking of what I'm not going to have this time around. I know I'll feel the love of my child but who knows if he will be there. And if he is, it'll be a very different experience
I avoided all movies about relationships and kind of still do. Those shows are a lot like WS's thinking, this perfect, unrealistic relationship. They are almost always about "falling in love" but rarely deal with staying in love or you know, actual love inside of a strong marriage. I basically watched British comedies or reruns of shows like Titus on YouTube. I also watched a lot of my guilty pleasure, Doctor Phil. (hides face in shame, lol)
I've mainly tried to avoid anything relationship wise- I wouldn't touch the notebook with a barge pole right now! Anything relationship wise kinda brings out the resentful side in me, just picture me sat in bed hurling the closest object at the to and shouting "liar!!" I think you're right though, in a waywards mind they want rainbows and butterflies all the time, and if it isn't that, then it isn't love.
That's one thing I cannot deal with right now, wh's spew. "I don't know if I've ever loved you", "maybe we made a mistake getting married". And his favourite right now: "we just aren't good together. We would be better as close friends" bla bla bla blaaaaaa....
I know they are just words, and I know we should believe nothing they say. But my god do they know how to twist the knife right in there!!
I know they are just words, and I know we should believe nothing they say. But my god do they know how to twist the knife right in there!!
They don't know what they are saying. It is a defense mechanism to protect themselves. We let them twist the knife only when we let it affect us.
IDK if your son is old enough to throw a tantrum and tell you he hates you yet, but I have experienced that with my children. We know they do not mean it, they are doing it because of the rage their five year old brain is going through.
The WS is talking with their five year old brain. The words mean nothing.
It is a perspective shift. This is where you take back control.
Maybe I missed it, but have you done the homework?
I am curious to your thoughts and if it helped you.
Cherry, my H said the same thing to me 'I don't love you anymore, I'm not sure I ever did'. Although the 'anymore' makes that sentence contradictory! When I confronted him a couple of months later in a moment of weakness he denied it! I reminded him that he had said it on two different occasions and he tried to brush it under the carpet! I think he was so desperate to make me agree that the marriage wasn't working he would say anything.
My wise D keeps telling me to ignore all those hurtful things he said at the beginning because he wasn't in his right mind. He hasn't repeated anything like that anymore but I'm finding it hard to forget...
SH, no my little one is too small for those words yet, but you're right and that's a good way to think about it. I have done the homework. I was amazed by the Everest man. And the be the warrior not the worrier really spoke to me, I saw aspects of her in myself, especially the feeling as though she has two personalities, work and home (there was also the designer handbags too). The way she said about having a hobby which helps her conquer her anxiety was a really great point. And this is something I have thought of introducing into my life, it's just thinking of what that could be right now.
New thread:
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