cheesyt 2 - DivorceBusting.com

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695576&#Post2695576

here's a link to my old thread.

Cheesy, they are absolutely temp checks. It's time for you to step up and take control. Don't let her tell you what or when or why. You make the decisions and tell her. She's the one that wants out, so let her see what she's missing -- someone who is strong and competent and perfectly capable of moving on and having a great life without her.

NYgal, thanks for the encouraging words and the confirmation.

update - I changed my log in for the cc I paid for coaching with, well got an email not too long ago that my acct was locked out. W was checking it and ran into a different password. W didn't ask and I'm not saying anything about the acct being locked out.

I hope she doesn't need to check the account for anything, so she never has to see that charge!

Is it your joint cc???

nope its my sole one. which is why its weird she's trying to look at it :0

W decided she did not want to be joint on anything and removed herself from a couple of cc's. we have one joint checking acct.

Yes that is weird then...she is trying to see what you have been up 2

She's for sure just trying to figure out what you've been up to.

Need advice. previously when my W "didn't know" and was "Confused" we talked, I told her we could remain friends while she decided M or D, in last week's email she made it clear it was time to move on, and she told me I was showing her I was incapable of being "friends" thus finalizing her decision.

spoke to a DB coach, the book, and from being on here, I went dim.

Had a few temp checks, bills, D, animals, etc, today she texted
W - I have a ?
Me - ask
W - you don't even really want to be friends, do you?

of course I don't, I want to be MARRIED!

at a loss as to what to say to this. need help.

i was thinknig something along the lines of

I'm focused on my relationship with D, and my life and I don't know how to be "friends" with someone I wish to be married to.

but not exactly, just those point's I'd like to make. much nicer.

You are married, you don't want to be friends...you wouldn't want a friend like her anyhow since she ruined your marriage and broke your trust and broke up your family....

I feel like Hawker just did the equivalent of a mic drop online... Nailed it

I think from a communication standpoint, we LBS' tend to get overly concerned about replying to every point/question, and trying to make sure our position is always clearly understood. I know I'm guilty of that.

Often, the best response is to not respond, or to leave a little mystery.

I might respond with something like "Right now I'm just focused on enjoying time with D and making some improvements in my life."

You don't necessarily need to address the 'friends' thing directly. It's good if the WW isn't always sure where you stand. Perhaps let her continue to wonder about whether you are now the one walking away from her.

thanks EDF,

I actually responded with something very very similar

Me- trying to decide what's best, focusing on R with D.

W- Got it.

I like what you said here - "let her continue to wonder about whether you are now the one walking away from her"

thank you!

Anything new?

Pretty sure this is not a temp check. as these are important things.

W needs D's birth cert to get D passport for that lovely vacation they're taking, Passport is in safety deposit box. We have two keys, we each have one...W texted asking if I knew where it was. of course i know where mine is, and I'm pretty sure I could figure out where hers is. This is how things functioned in our M, wife would make a comment, and I'd "fix" it or "do it" today, I said I have mine, no idea about yours. W texted she needed and asked if she could come pick up. I said yes. W texted she'd let me know what time. I texted whenever, It'll be in the front seat.

W has a key to my car, no need for me to go out there and hand her a key. W has done this before I went dim, W would need something and come around lunch time and ask to go to lunch. Not giving her the option this time.

W also asked where W's passport was, go figure I know where its at.

another good morning so far. day 5 of good days!

I'm asking it ahead of time, My birthday is coming up, wondering if the W asks to hang out what do I say?
I'm not doing much, most of my friends already have stuff going on and I work that day anyway, but I'm wondering about the weekend and stuff.

I feel like it'll just make me sad to hang out with her on my birthday. I don't know.

What would everyone else do?

I have the same issue Cheesyt. I go on holiday on Sunday and the day I come back it will be our sixth wedding anniversary and then two days after my bitrhday. I am hoping he won't suggest anything as it will be awkward but then part of me thinks if he doesn't what does that mean... ?

Coly, we actually talked about anniversary, and we concluded that since we are separated, there was noting to celebrate.

so, what is there to celebrate?

the birthday is more of a gray area, for my at least.

Update - I have a specific ringtone for W, could've sworn I heard it, but no. I've had 5 really good days, minor let downs, my foot took a crap, not sure how. can't keep my training schedule for the half. No longer can do the half I wanted, oh well. My car took a crap and I was wishing my W were around for me to call and make me feel better. Turns out I felt better with out wife. Caught wind on snapchat that she's out hiking, feeling emotional,just Cus she never went hiking with me, again she's out having a great time and I am too, just wish we had a great time together. Don't know. Just a slight set back, but I know I'll dust myself off and carry on with or without her. Have a couple of GAL activities this weekend, keeping a positive outlook. At a friends now, mentioned the slightest disappointment about W and he quickly did his best to make me feel better / reminded me I cannot worry about her. I love having good friends.

Hope everyone has a good Friday.

(((Cheesy))), I hope you feel a little better after spending some time with your friend?

When we are in so much pain it's difficult to not think our S should be feeling that same pain too so when we see/hear them doing fun stuff it just doesn't seem right. I'm off on holiday with my D tomorrow and I heard H is going abroad as well to stay with a friend of his. Last month I would have been really annoyed and upset but now I am hoping he has a nice time. Although I would have preferred we went together (we cancelled a holiday we had booked as a family when he left) I just think we all need some time away from this situation.

I know when I come back it will be hard with our anniversary and my birthday but I'm going to cross that bridge when I get to it. For now it's sun, sea and sangria for me!!!

Journaling- woke up with doubt in my mind. Lots of it. I'm in a decent place emotionally and mentally. I can't help but think that GAL is bringing me further from my M and my W. And that her GAL activities are doing the same. I truly in my heart don't see us R anytime soon. In my mind we were supposed to R once she figured out stuff with OM but that's been over and we are even further apart.

I updated snapchat and W looked at it, I had some "fun" pics. W often updates hers, I never look, it hurts to look, same with fbook. Well this morning I noticed she deleted me from snapchat. No idea why. I know this isn't important, it's so minuscule but still makes me wonder.

I'm hurt, I hurt. I feel like gal activities just numb me sometimes. I'm enjoying my life, I even caught myself texting "I'm happy" to a friend yesterday. Also caught myself thinking "oh no roomate comes back in a few days, I like living alone". I know I've come a long way already. I can function alone and don't get sucked into negative thoughts 90% of the time anymore. I know I'm on the right track for myself, but then why does it feel like the right path for myself is the furthest path from my M and W?

I just need a moment I guess. I will pick myself up after I finish typing this and I will carry on with my day with a smile on my face.

journaling - first weekend day I spend alone and I am sane. woke up rather late (backed up on sleep) went grocery shopping, then watched some netflix, cleaned some (roommate comes back tomorrow), have plenty of laundry to put away and I rented a movie. got cookies so I can have a nice little snack later and will just hang out by myself for the rest of the day. I dig it. It has taken 4 months to get to a place where I am not a sh*t show when I have alone and "down time". Didn't actually think I'd be here, but look at me, living and stuff.

No temp checks from the W, no nothing. Miss her, but I'm ok.

Inspiring cheesyt. Down to the cookies. My downtime can still be spent lying in bed staring at ceiling, but I'll try to follow your lead. Have a good rest of weekend!!

w texted me earlier asking about D's birth cert. Then a few hours later she called. I finally replied with I didn't know about birth cert. W asked If I could call her, W re asked if I knew about birth cert, then asked if I had been by the house (we had agreed two weeks ago I was not allowed to come over unannounced, I have kept my word on that) I told her no, W said "hmm I left a brush somewhere and It was moved"
Great. Freaking great, now I'm sure she thinks I'm lying. I said per our agreement I would check with her first, that I hadn't been by. W still sounded skeptical but asked "are you ok" I concluded with yes, I have to go, she said ok and bye.

I know she thinks I was there, so I texted her that I don't have a car that it's at the shop since Friday. W said sorry hope its ok. (Didn't want her to know about my own personal issues, like the car thing, I don't want or need her to feel bad for me. It really does feel like EVERYTHING is going wrong in my life. The only difference is emotionally and mentally I am in a better place than when It began a few months ago)

I'm annoyed, I'm sure she doesn't remember where she left her brush. I already have so much against me, I don't need her thinking I'm not following some simple rules.

aughhhh I don't know what to feel or think. Getting overwhelmed and emotional really quickly.

W- got tickets to grad. are you wanting to go or not?
M-do you want me there
w- that wasn't the ?
W- you don't even know if you want to be friends. This is your decision
M- I would like to go if you want me to. I will respect your decision if you don want me there.
W- ok its...blah blah I'll give you a ticket when I see you.

W threw the friends thing in my face. Doesn't make me feel good.

Just because we aren't friend doesn't mean I don't want what's best. Then I started thinking about how I was there helping her study, D and I gave up OUR time so she could study, I woke up with her at 4-5-6am to pack lunch, to get coffee, or just for company...anything to help her. I hate how this is turning out. I hate that it's even a question. I hate that I'm actually debating on not going. We (cus I always told her, we are both in nursing school not just her) put so much time and effort into this, in different ways yes, but damn. So much of me went into her going to school...our lives. everything. for it to be this..."business" conversations.

having a moment. will be ok, but right now I hate this.

cheesyt,

The key to this stuff is to not give a flying f*ck what the WW wants; if you want to go to the graduation, then go. If you want (or need) one of the tickets, then tell your WW you'd like one of the tickets but you're not going to sit next to her stinky @ss.

Of course, I wouldn't be so crass as to call my WW a stinky @ss. Well, I probably would, but I'm not suggesting that you do that.

The point I'm trying to make is that you should go if you want to go and don't allow your WW to determine what you do.

Hahaha, good job doodler...stinky @ss. I agree I would go if you want to and sit somewhere else...don't let her control if you go or not!

No one wants to sit by a stinky @ss...just not pleasant!

seriously though, cheesyt, doodler and hawker are right. go if you want to and stay home if you don't. It seems like we get caught up in the nuances of every situation w/ WWs when we should just be viewing it as a binary decision.

It seems like you had a lot invested in the nursing school process and that you want to go. I'd offer you go for you and not sit near her.

Hang in there brother!

First day of school for D tomorrow, get to see W. Not nervous. Surprisingly. I'm not there for her, or as her friend. Just there for my D. Excited to see her and talk to her as I haven't seen D since W sent her away with relatives for the past two weeks. I hope all goes smooth and no awkwardness but who knows. I definitely will not fall into "family" role. I've done that time and time again. I'm sure she will be all dressed and looking good, but hey, so will I! Wish me luck all!

Good luck cheesyt!!!!!! Let us know how it goes!! Stay strong!!

Good luck! Let us know!!! You got this!

update, got to the school saw on a billboard that Back to school night was yesterday, was kind of upset I was not invited.

W sent text that W & D were at coffee shop, & that W got me coffee.

W arrived at school I met her, said hi to D talked and walked toward her morning line up group. W and I small talked, mainly about the kids, parents. (D has been with same group of kids since Kinder)

Talked about how while D was away these past two weeks the lady watching her had no respect for W's wishes, Lady shaved D's legs (D is 10) dyed her hair, talked about getting D a smart phone (everything without asking permission, of course) W was not happy, she complained for a few min (just realized I didn't validate but Idk that I had to?) I wanted to laugh. Mainly because none of this would've happened had I been "in control" meaning, D would've stayed with us for the remainder of the summer and no "boundaries" (my Wife's new word) would've been crossed.

I did ask W if there was a reason why I was not invited to back to school night, W gave me a look and said no. Didn't press further.

D went into school, I said thank you again to W for coffee said bye and walked away. W walked by herself a few steps behind me.

W looked amazing. I made sure I looked my best as well. She laughed a bit, I made sure I smiled.

Miss her, wish things were different.
It seems to me like being Dark is not affecting W.

just sitting here thinking of our interactions, Its weird when we are "Friends" and even today, just talking about kids and stuff, my W is there..she's there. I can see her.

I just don't understand why in the heck we aren't together. Why if she's so close we don't try it. It makes me upset. We really aren't bad. I don't understand it. Our problems can be handled, yes with work. I find it so hard to believe she doesn't want to "try". some days I think I love her more with each day. the more I dim, or go dark the more I miss her.

unbelievable to think we're here.

I know what you mean cheesyt...my wife and I never fought, everyone envied our relationship, we talked about retiring together...and then bam...it still feels like a bad dream....

I'm in the same boat, my WW and I had what I thought was a pretty decent marriage, we very rarely fight, we're great parents together, and we've always balanced each other out.

With that said, I understand and accept my part in opening her up to becoming WW and am working through that. I agree that there are moments where the wife I fell in love with years ago is 100% there and present and then there are times where she is completely different.

I don't know where we'll end up, feels more and more like we're headed for D as she shows no signs of wanting to work on the MR, and that's okay. As much as I feel I've dettached and am working on moving on with my life without her, there's still a small piece that is still holding on to what could be if she ever figures it out.

I think a lot of us are in the same boat, living in a bad dream, trying to move forward as best we can.

I agree lfm...sounds like all our WW are the same...I have been trying to move on with my life the best I can but I have the tiny piece of her figuring it out as well....

cheesyt -- I so much can relate. I was caught completely unaware when the BD came and have been trying ever since to get my W to see enough value in what we could be to be willing to work at it, go see a MC, etc. To date I haven't been successful, and I know what you're feeling. Our brains can be our own worst enemy because they have the ability to show us what it could be like, if only . . .

Hankg in there!

thanks all - that's the thing, my brain is wired to look back and I do see bad, I do see countless mistakes, endless fights, just stupid things, but I mostly (maybe we chose it?) see good. I see so many good memories, so many happy times. Our WW are done seeing good, they see BAD. how could they forget? those good / amazing times are all I remember...how can they not?!

I got a pic of W&D&myself from this morning...it's amazing how happy we all look. how deceiving a picture can be eh.

think W just temp checked me...we've discussed Friday me picking up D twice on text and once this morning and she just re asked. or she just doesn't listen. which sounds more probable at this point. I don't know.

My birthday is in a few days...is it weird that I hope she sends me flowers to work or gets me a gift? Or even asks to see me..?
I know the chances of that happening are slim to none, as It's around the corner and she's yet to bring it up....I told my co worker how crappy a bday it would be. A few days later he magically found some beer event at some bar that he's going to. Without asking directly he told me he'd be there and If he should save me a seat.

Tomorrow is a new day.

not in a good place mentally right now. I just want to call the W and tell her I love her and I miss her. of course this would accomplish nothing because she would not say it back.

W texted about D's school stuff, then about my cat. W asked me to clean his litter when I go over for visitation. Straight and to the point. Lots. Of. Periods. When she text's like that she's not happy. W has been texting this way ever since that nasty email she sent. I feel stuck, we aren't moving in a better direction, or any direction for that matter. is this normal?
I know with the LRT nothing can happen, but then what?

googled D lawyers, I look them up when I get emotional, I just want this hurt to end. (I know on DB it says divorce is a quick fix but doesn't take the pain away)

But whichever way it goes I will take it and do my best to make the best of it.

-no direction...again.

Originally Posted By: cheesyt

My birthday is in a few days...is it weird that I hope she sends me flowers to work or gets me a gift? Or even asks to see me..?

I know the chances of that happening are slim to none, as It's around the corner and she's yet to bring it up....I told my co worker how crappy a bday it would be. A few days later he magically found some beer event at some bar that he's going to. Without asking directly he told me he'd be there and If he should save me a seat.

You seem to already know the answer to this one cheesyt. The beer event at the bar seems like a great GAL event though. Don't even have to drink there, could just show up, eat some bar food and enjoy the time! Anything to get your mind off this.

The L thing is rough. Just going through that myself right now. It brings up a bunch of emotions just thinking about starting that whole process. Before I met w/ the first L I sat in the parking lot and had to pinch myself to make sure this was really happening. Completely surreal.

How did you respond to the Ws texts to you? It seems like this stuff is directionless most of the time, but when it moves, it really moves quickly. at least in the beginning of our situations.

Hang in there brother. We're all here for you, as you know. Sorry it's so rough right now.

Originally Posted By: lt0402

The L thing is rough. Just going through that myself right now. It brings up a bunch of emotions just thinking about starting that whole process. Before I met w/ the first L I sat in the parking lot and had to pinch myself to make sure this was really happening. Completely surreal.

How did you respond to the Ws texts to you? It seems like this stuff is directionless most of the time, but when it moves, it really moves quickly. at least in the beginning of our situations.

lt0402 - I think I pinch myself everyday. You're right I do know the answer. I respond very short and simple. Mainly agree with D's school stuff. Same with cat stuff, "I'd be happy to..." whatever she requested.

was thinking about it...again. I believe W not only wants to "be friends" out of guilt but also because It was like our M except she can date whomever she wants. If we went out, I would pay, I would "fix" whatever she needed, if she asked for a massage, or anything I would do it. Total cake eating. I must keep reminding myself this.

GAL activity for tonight, going to a tequila bar after work with a friend. ready for a marg...or two!

I am so livid. I had talked to my W about what days I wanted to pick D up, I had suggested Wednesday's. But my boss told me I could t take off work that early. So I was under the impression I talked to my W that since I would be picking up D on Fridays (company summer early release Friday) I wouldn't have to pick her up Wednesday's! School just called asking when I would be there, even though on Tuesday I told W and D I would see them Friday..again w not listening. W calls and sends me a nasty text about " we need to figure something else out if I can't count on you" excuse me. I've been there for 6 freaking years. Eff you. When have I not been reliable you dirty little rat. Eff you. That's what I feel like replying. She's out and about with her dirty little friends and I'm made to feel guilty. No freaking way!!!!! She also said I'm extremely frustrated yu commited to Wednesday's this is ridiculous. I'm im sorry being a mom is 24/7 not part freaking time. Get your [censored] together. Wtf I don't even know how to reply to that without being a jerk and an [censored]. And she will be running her mouth to everyone and their mom how I'm not reliable, eve though for 6 freaking years she had NOTHING to worry about, but no that's not good enough. Never freaking is. Never.

in a REALLY dark place now that I'm home. of course, apologized to wife, validated her feelings and took the blame. why...idk cus I'm a sucker. over vm of course, she couldn't answer the phone. then W gave me some sob story of how she's sick is not ignoring me and is going to bed. and then I feel even worse. does she know that would make me feel bad? and then I think, had I picked D up and showed up to drop her off I could've been there for her. but would that have done anything? been there for her in her time of need? or would that have been letting her have her cake? IDK. I really dont know anything. I don't know. I feel like poop. I can keep it together. I knew this birthday / this current life would be the worst. ever. THE only thing that I feel, right this second, would make my whole life better would be my W saying we'd give it a shot. BUT I'm stupid for thinking that way. and I know it, that's the worst part. I thought I was doing ok at detaching but I'm clearly incapable.
Also what's so frustrating is the fact that I'm doing my absolute best and putting my best foot forward EVERY DAY, trying to stay out of her path, being kind, staying dim and that is not enough. Why am I not enough? I should be enough. and I'm not. how do you live with that? day after day..I am not enough for my wife. wow. worst feeling ever.

-one step forward and 99 back.

Cheesyt--
birthdays and such activate all sorts of emotions.
Let it go, it's just one birthday.
You're doing as best as you can.
Patience and breathe...(we aren't enough right now for them. we may never be.. yes, worst feeling ever. have music to share? i do. i have videos i listen to over and over. )

First of all, Happy (almost) Birthday, cheesyt!

Second of all, you are good enough. Maybe too good, in fact. That your W doesn't see it is a reflection on her and the blinders she's chosen to wear, not on you.

Third, re "one step forward and 99 back", I don't see what you describe as having happened in that way. Yes, you're still in love with your W. Yes, you'd do anything to get your M back. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's how you're supposed to feel at this point. Take it from me, detaching takes a long time and is anything but linear. You and me both need to be kinder to ourselves in those instances where we are feeling a lack of straight-line progression!

Hang in there!

ouch. just got the birthday text.
I guess I hoped for a call?

W- Happy birthday, (my name). Hope you have a good day.

Great opportunity to not answer.

Or maybe something like "Thanks. It's going to be really busy but should be great." And let her do some ruminating for a change.

Originally Posted By: JRuss

Great opportunity to not answer.

Or maybe something like "Thanks. It's going to be really busy but should be great." And let her do some ruminating for a change.

but it already [censored]...I'd be lying to her If i said its going to be really busy.

I feel like I should be happy I have people that love me and are trying to make my birthday special and all I want is my W.

C,

I had the same exact text from Ms. Wonka while in a full-blown A with the OW. I focused on the positives and responded in an upbeat manner.

I simply said, "Thanks for the HBD wishes. How thoughtful of you. You too have a good day."

Polite and to the point.

((((C))))

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Let's go on our own pub crawl and have BLAST together. You are an amazing woman with a lot to offer and I am grabbing you for one whole night of fun in the pubs. Get in my red-hot convertible....FAST cuz I am not waiting on you for long.

upbeat even if I feel like poop and I've pretty much been crying since last night?

Happy Birthday CheesyT!

I completely get how it's tough handling things on special dates like this. Best thing is to try to enjoy the day for what it is though! We're all here for you and I'm really happy that it's your birthday today. You've been awesome support for me and I definitely appreciate you!

Guess I don't see the problem lying to her in this situation, but then I'm a newb who's making no progress in my own sitch.

Or make it not even a lie by making yourself busy and having fun?

Happy Birthday CheesyT - hope you have a great day. Try not to focus so much on how your W passed along Birthday wishes. She could have just blown it off, so at least she reached out in some fashion.

I know this is hard for you. Having just gone through what should have been a big anniversary celebration for me (21 years last Friday), I understand your sentiments on wanting more, but it's one day and she still acknowledged it.

Just my 2 cents...

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!

lt0402, JRuss, lfm & Hawker- thanks for the birthday wishes!

I texted W exactly what Wonka said, thank you as well!

lfm- I've already had my 2yr wedding and 6 year "dating" anniversary and I managed to handle them rather well. I thought there were long ones, 21yrs Is a LONG time. I hope to one day make it that far, (with or without my W) I've begun reading on your stitch.

lt0402 - thanks for the kind words! I appreciate you!

JRuss - hang in there, you're doing the best you can!

update- had a rough morning after W's text. mainly just wondering why things cant be different, I never envisioned my birthdays without her...or my life for that matter. I know I must accept this is my reality. I finally got out of my head, and was able to enjoy all the happy birthday's I got from my co workers (someone spread the word through a mass email) They brought donuts for breakfast, My co worker took me to lunch, (coworker confessed her long time bf is going through what seems like MLC) and in about an hour a few of my co workers and one of my friends will go for dinner and drinks. Really trying to enjoy and appreciate everyone who's done their part to make my birthday special. all you of you reading this included!

-Thank you all for the support. I really truly appreciate it!

Glad to hear you're having a good day after all cheesyt, and that we can all be here to show our support. Have a great evening and look forward to the end of the week!

It's friday I get to pick D up from school and spend a few hours before I have to drop her off! Cloudy, rainy and gloomy. No park just Library and Dinner.

W texted last night asking If I was picking D up today.
This morning she texted "please text me when you pick her up."
I mean, when we were "together" I never texted her I picked D up, I just did it and went on my way. Is this necessary?

I wanted to touch on Controlling Behavior with vets and newbs alike, a 180 for me is giving up control and letting her take back the control she so desperately "needs". Not question her actions and validate that her decisions are correct.
With that said, me letting her run her show, with D, of course, is perfectly fine with me. However, will she lose respect for me? I don't think there was much left to begin with.

Also, In respects to a weekday that I do have D, we had talked about how we wanted her routine to stay the same with W and with Myself. This would consist of me picking D up around 5pm from school, heading to "our" house getting dinner ready for her (at which point W would be coming home from school) would it be advised to "play" family? I cook for us, we have dinner, do homework, and get D ready for bed? I think this will help W relax or let her guard down with me, the fact that I'm keeping with her "controlled schedule". I don't see how this could hurt me, as it's 1 day a week but maybe to an outsider it may look different? I thought about the cake eating aspect but I don't know what cake eating it would be other than I make dinner? I do wish to see it as a good indicator of what weekday M life would be, we are all on the same page, new routine, perhaps see me in a different light? (that's not my hope of course. my hope is to just be better and make sure I'm sticking to what I need to do) I want and need to make sure all my moves are in the correct direction because as most of you have read, I keep trying to do "right" and manage to step in ways that continue to make W mad or upset or cause problems (more of the same) This is a desperate cycle I am trying to break. Finding it extremely difficult. (though my W's extremely short fuse does not help my case)

thanks everyone for your input. much appreciated!

wow! where to begin? outing with D was fun. interesting...but fun.
I legit forgot to text W when I picked up D, I also leave my phone in the car with D, or even W...went to get dinner and came back to some nasty texts about how this is ridiculous, W asked me to call (funny, she said text initially) and how we would have a serious talk when I dropped D off about how going forward was going to look. Called W, told her I forgot apologized and told her we were inside having dinner. W said ok. and we hung up. W wouldn't talk to me when I went to drop D off later, so I just left. We will see what W does going forward. Not sure if she'll let me see D.

some red flags with D.
1.D was telling me her routine and million rules now - when we were a family, I was blamed for having too many rules.
2.D mentioned she misses my cooking, and that W has been taking her to eat a lot because W doesn't want to cook. -I would get "talked" to for feeding D "crap" but never a thank you for cooking 5 meals a week.
3.D said "on Wednesday when you were supposed to pick me up" I said "I was not" and laughed D said "yes you were mommy showed me some texts where you agreed" so I dropped it because what's the point of telling her we had a conversation in person and changed plans...makes me think though W is trying to pin D against me.
4.D mentioned how she wanted tea last night but "mommy was too tired" to make her some -It was always me saying "no" to D when she wanted something so simple.
5.D got a cell phone since she stays home alone in the mornings after W leaves for school. D mentioned W told her she was not allowed to have me as a contact.
6.D said she didn't feel comfortable asking W if she could call me yesterday for my birthday. -it may be that D is telling me "What i want to hear" but If its true, it's annoying that W is "working to have open and great communication with D" and yet D still feels this way.
7. D mentioned she discovered where the cigarretes came from (D and I suspected W started smoking) D said "all of mommy's friends smoke and bring some when they come over" -looks like W has been busy with her friends -I was also blamed for "ignoring" D too much.
8. D is going away for the weekend with her grandmother. -again, I was always blamed for "sending D away" because I "didn't want her" but this summer compared to summers with me, D has been around significantly less than ever.
9. D also mentioned who her emergency contacts were on her phone, you guess it, not me. The neighbor is though. That's lovely. We are still legally married right? Last I checked we are. Feels like W is doing her best to keep me out of D's life yet is ok with me picking her up 2 times a week? This is so confusing. what's the motive here?

annoyed, nothing I can do. W has always been easy to anger. from 0-100 in a few secs. Still at it I see. It's frustrating and hard but I'm starting to see it's not all me. All the issues surrounding D will still be there and are still there but W is too blind to see now. Hope W sees it sometime. I also have a theory that because I didn't agree to be friends with W she's mad and is in turn having such a short fuse with me /trying to make my life difficult. W is just mean and I feel like at my throat all the time. Makes me wonder how in the heck is a R supposed to happen with a person like That?! I know for a fact there is no R in my near future, I cannot and will not put up with her. I really feel W is unstable. This DB is no joke, the road is long. Until W see's I'm not the problem and stops attacking? (maybe I need a diff word) there will be no R. W's guard is too high up. I wonder how I can start to get through those walls. validation doesn't do much, connecting through yes (like the book) doesn't do much. doing everything "Right" doesn't do much (she always finds something wrong) I don't know. I wish the road was a little clearer but It seems like we've destroyed the road.

busy GAL day tomorrow. peach festival 9-1230 with a couple of co workers then Beer festival 1pm-5pm with a friend (it's downtown so I'm sure I'll find something after the festival) It's going to be a good day!

Hi cheesyt, I haven't had a chance to read your threads, however, I have seen some of your posts. I wanted to respond to something you said on JRuss thread. It just pulled at my heart.

Quote:

it's hard for me to wrap my head around how being physically separated & going dark (which all feels opposite of being "close" with W) will or can lead to Reconciliation. I'm doing it because I somehow trust this, but when W and I were "friends" after S I felt closer than I do now. (cake eating business for her of course!) Now, today, I feel a billion miles away

.

It really is being the opposite of what feels right and logical to you. If you have a W who is wayward, you have someone who does not operate logically. Everything that may have worked in the past to bring you closer together.........seems to backfire now. She does not desire a relationship with you further than friendship.

I bet while she was enjoying hanging out like a couple of girls, you were thinking of how it may lead the R back to where it once was. WW's abuse "friendships" with their LBS! For the WW, it's merely an opportunity to cake eat. The LBS can show a friend-ly persona when interacting with her........but I would not encourage trying to have a friend-ship while she is wayward minded. That's just my personal opinion.

The WW desires something that resembles a complete fantasy. She is looking through unrealistic glasses. Usually, the WW sees the LBS being a stumbling block to her "true" happiness. Therefore, she wants to feel free of the LBS and the MR. The more the LBS tries to be closer, the more the WW will feel she has to prove that the M is over. A lot of bad behavior toward the LBS, is the WW's attempts to discourage their spouse in having a future together.

The crazy thing about WW's are when they are faced with the reality that has come from their wayward choices.........they don't like it. And losing their S's availability, interest, etc., is something most WW's never believe is going to really happen. I mean, in her mindset, it is okay for her to find someone else......act like girls gone wild.......break your heart......and whatever else she needs to do to find her happiness. But.....in the back of her mind, she just always thought of you being safely waiting on a shelf, in case she wanted a friendly ear, or someone to hug her.........whatever. Not wanting you as a spouse.....but as her friend, who is so devoted and could never move on and be happy without her. Are you getting what I am saying? No matter what she may have told you, she wants you to put your life on hold, while she is finding what makes her happy.

Sure, it felt good to you when hanging out as a couple of good friends. B/c you love her, and your emotions are begging for her positive responses. She could be nice for a few hours.......as long as you understood it was strictly as "friends". The minute you try to ease over the "friends only" line.......is the minute you see her resisting and treating you poorly.

So, removing yourself from her life (as much as possible), will give her a realistic view of her life without you. Even though I have not read your story, I will venture to say that the dynamics has been that she has been the one walking away from the relationship.........and you have lost her. However, it's when you start behaving happily in your life that does not include her, that really hits her heart. . She'll try hard not to show it. She may even say you deserve to be happy, etc. in her heart, she knows t he dynamics have switched, and she has lost you!

The LBS is afraid to drop the rope that hold to the WW. The LBS wants to pursue and show the WS that their relationship can work again. It is not going to happen if you go that route. She has to have physical space away from you. She has to experience the loss of you. No assistance, no help, no bailing out, no rescuing, no emotional support, (I know this sounds terrible), but she has to experience reality instead of living in a fantasy. You can't control her life, but you can control your part.

In order to accomplish this, you may have a picture of yourself needing to act cold, mean-spirited, angry, etc. That's not the way. If you acted that way.......why would she want you back, right? You can have a happy & confident persona when your path crosses with hers. But at the same time, you act as if you have more important things on your mind.....other than her. When married, she is your #1 priority, but now......well, she has lost that #1 place position in your life. That is what she will sense.......and that is what will cause her to get curious/interested in what's going on with you.

I could talk all day about it, but I will stop here. It is a process, and it will feel totally off to you. The WW has to see what she has lost as a consequence to her own decision. Don't think so much about how you feel right now. Think about the wonderful things you can do for two weeks. Get that calendar and start filling in GAL....people, places, and fun things to do......that does not include old reminders of your W. Oh........I said I would stop, didn't I?

That was awesome Sandi thank you so much for sharing that....cheesyt and I have the same type of feelings and personally I know my wife hasn't felt my loss. Your posts are so helpful and we appreciate your in site!

Excellent post Sandi! That's an awesome description of what needs to happen and would be particularly usefull for all of us "nice guys" that want to be friends with our spouses thinking that will show them how we've changed and will bring them back.

Sandi, you are the best! This post is amazing and speaks volumes. It seems really easy to get locked in the angry/cold LBS mood and of course that's a bad thing. Finding myself there right now and trying to back out of it. Thank you as always!

Cheesyt, just doing a quick drive by to check up on you brother! Glad y'all enjoyed the Pokemon stuff yesterday!

Great post Sandi.

sandi2 - thank you so much for the response! It's great food for thought. I've read it a few times trying to really understand and listen to your words of wisdom! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my comments!

update on my weekend - yesterday was such a busy day! that started at 8am! blood donation at the peach festival, then my co worker (with the MLC bf) met up with me and we walked around and had lunch. Then I headed to my beer festival with a co worker and a friend. As we were talking my friend mentioned he was going to a baseball game after the beer festival I asked who he was going with and he said his buddy canceled and asked If I wanted to go, so I did. we left the beer festival around 530pm and got back from the game around 1030pm. Went to a bar to have a beer. All college kids are back and all bars were crazy packed but we managed to have a good time. made it home at 1am.
This morning I had a little side job from 9am-12 and I'm headed to the polish food festival after I finish typing (alone gooo me!). Then just going to relax at home probably watch netflix.

I had a lot of fun yesterday. I do feel guilty though, not sure why or exactly about what. I did think of my W a lot yesterday. Especially during the baseball game, (last time she went to a game was on a date a few weeks ago) so that was sad. But also thought about how I wished she was with me doing what I was doing. We had a lot of fun together before so having fun makes me miss "our" fun. I don't know. I can't quite articulate my thoughts and feelings right now. I feel weird. I feel "off". not sure why.

No word from W. I guess it's a good thing since most of our interactions are no longer pleasant.

I'm thinking of getting a bed soon. This pull out couch isn't working and this living arrangement looks like is going to be more permanent than I had wished. The room is big enough for the couch and a queen bed and all my furniture. Just gotta check with my friend / roommate. I had originally asked if I could stay until W decided if she was moving away (with or without me) but now that W staying I need to make sure I can live here for at least a year while I pay off some debt and get my life on a decent track. thinking of buying a bed seems so...i don't know. W has "our" bed and I'll have "my" bed. my own lonely bed.

I must go, I'm not saying much and I'm wasting polish food eating time.

Thanks again everyone!

Glad you had a fun filled weekend...don't ever feel guilty...you are not the one who left!!! I know what you mean about missing "your guys fun" but you can do new stuff that you 2 have never done so you don't think about it so much...maybe that would help??? I dunno....

I am beyond frustrated. Got a lovely 5am text from w. a long one.

good morning. will you pick D up weds? what time?
Friday's wont work. D has soccer practice starting this week. I am fine with you picking her up on wednesdays.
then something about if i cant get her wed's to let her know cus she will be home "no problem"
Hope you're well. thanks.

I replied with I want her team name and league name so I can look up the schedule of practices and games. (I don't trust her) and some bill information.

A little back and forth. W still avoiding my question on league and team name. asked 3 times before she replied.
Turns out friday practice is from 5-6pm, I was supposed to have her from 3-6pm, annoyed she took my day. It's "payback" for forgetting to text her last friday. As annoyed as I am, I guess that's one more day W has to figure her own stuff out. I'm just pissed W is so mean, even through a text. This whole "no friends" thing must be eating at her? maybe wishful thinking there. IDK!

I'm making a L appointment today. I don't know how long this can continue, and even If I do nothing, I need to be informed for my own sanity.

I did sleep really well last night.

oh and it turns out D does NOT have soccer practice this Friday. W is just not wanting me to see her and Control everything.

UGH....I got a text this am as well...I'll post on my thread...these WW's....

Sandi's post was amazing. Re-read it, hawk and cheesy. Sandi packs it all into a few paragraphs. Very wise.
Cheesyt, I've been thinking about you and hoping things get better. Sounds like there is still plenty of hope. I'm glad you are GALing so well. How was the Polish food festival?
And I'm so jealous that Wonka's picking you up in her red-hot convertible, because she's red-hot herself! Wonka was so helpful to me!
Hang in there, cheesyt.

I have!!! It was very helpful!

Cheesyt, sounds like you're full of GAL activities, that's great bud!

That's rough w/ the texting. Good job pushing back on her to give you details though, as opposed to taking it at face value. I completely get the controlling stuff, as you've seen from my thread. Very difficult, but very necessary to address and manage through unfortunately.

Go ahead and get the bed. No point in being uncomfortable in the new living arrangements, regardless of how short/long they are. I wouldn't view it as "our" bed vs "my" bed, just merely as a means to a good night's sleep.

Hang in there brother and good luck w/ the L appointment. It's not the most pleasant thing, but as AndrewP told me, it at least gives you a realistic view of the process. My IC also equated it to me "catching up" with my WW who was already well ahead of me in this whole thing. Here to support you bud!

I think I'm suffering from the "divorce is the easy way out" syndrome.

Struggling between I want my M (but my W is MIA at the moment) and D sounds like a fresh start.

I know this isn't meant to be a cake walk. I feel pain and hurt, but I think most of all I feel numb.

Since Sunday I've felt "off" and I don't think I'm back to me just yet.

-going through the motions.

Seems like you've got decent balance when you're busy with your GAL stuff cheesyt. Maybe try to schedule something to get out of the house before the weekend.

For the pain and hurt, I get it completely. There are times that I feel like a zombie all day. I find the gym helps to waken me up and get me out of that funk. Tough to escape though, but in the end know that you'll come out of this thing an emotionally stronger person.

Hang in there brother!

I've been a little MIA the last few days and I just read what Sandi posted and I can see how all of that is true.

I feel like I got to a place where I have completely dropped the rope and just went about my own thing and all the sudden there my W is.

Calling me, texting me, trying to talk to me all the time. And when I'm distant with her the more she wants to talk. When I bring up practical things such as when I told her that I was planning on packing up the rest of her stuff from around the house so she could come get it, she gets upset and cries.

I kid you not she has started crying 4 times on the phone with me over the past few days and it's all been about practical things that go along with D.

Ironically this all started around the time I stopped focusing on trying to DB. I'm not actively "trying" to DB I'm just living my life for me and ironically that does automatically include many of the things that DB tells us to do.

Spoke to the roommate yesterday, she made me one of my favorite dinner dishes. She told me I can stay as long as it keeps working out for both of us. Her only concern was when her family comes to visit, (I've taken up the guest quarters) I told her I have plenty of other places I could crash for those days. It's settled, I'm buying a bed and mattress after work. Kind of googled some places was looking at mattresses, got very emotional (but I guess better here in front of my computer than at the store itself) I'm feeling overwhelmed. This is so real...I'm living my own life and I couldn't dislike it more.

Miss my W terribly.

I hear ya, cheesy. It is your own life and you ARE living it. You're making it, and you will love it again, I have no doubt. Right now it's important just to eat, sleep, breathe, and keep doing it over and over until the next day, when you do it all over again.
It's not easy at all. But you'll find your way. I know it sounds like platitudes, but I'll use my age/experience to say I've been through it too many times in my life. It gets better.

Well done Cheesyt, you are doing things to make you feel better. Just been on Maybs post and a similar thing seems to be happening to her!

Hang in there Cheesyt...it does [censored] but keep doing stuff for you!!! You are doing a good job of GALing...I know what you mean about missing your W!!! ugh

W called. My heart like dropped. I didn't answer. Then she texted call me ASAP. I waited a few mins. Freaked out of course. She told me "our" little dog got hit. And that the neighbor (if you've been following my thread you know this neighbor told my W lies that I said we were dating) so that neighbor was taking the dog to the vet. And I said you freaked me out I'm glad it wasn't you or D, and I'm sorry it was the dog is there anything I can do. She said no I just wanted to let you know and I said ok thanks bye.

I don't know. Should I be doing something? Why did she call to tell me? Her dog and her problems are my my business...she's told me that a million times. I don't know. But getting a call from her freaks me out, even know that I know what she wanted. Still confused. Does she expect me to go visit? Pay for half of the vet bill? I mean I don't know!!!!!

Her problems are none of my business**

And the part of the neighbor lied and told W I said W and I were dating.

Sorry wasn't very clear.

Who knows cheesyt. It's so impossible to determine why our WWs do anything they do. I'd just validate and see where it goes from there if she reaches back out. Sorry to hear about yalls dog though.

Enjoy the restful nights sleep on the new mattress!

update. dog died.

I texted w asking about dog.
W- she's gone
I called, straight to VM as always, I'm starting to believe she has me blocked.
Me - can you call me?
W-I'm busy.

wtf. earlier it was so important now she's too busy. what the heck is with her?!
was she expecting one reaction and didn't get it so she's mad nod? what in the world.
I feel like replying eff you.

I'm trying to detach, I'm trying to not let her mood affect me and It does. Where's my W? the woman who cared about me? will she ever be back!?!?!?!

I hate how W can get me to call her or text her.

But when I need a call, or a reply. nope. nothing.

I think that bothers me and makes me most angry.

ok I have to be missing something here. I am incapable of wrapping my head around this situation. and how this me not being there for her is doing me any good. I'm not seeing things clearly, or maybe I'm not wanting to see them clearly.

Regardless, I need to be in a better emotional and mental state. It really bothers me that she asked me to call, perhaps she wanted my support? and I didn't give her it. so when I finally was ready she wanted nothing to do with me, hence the "I'm busy." I understand the whole she needs to feel a loss, I agree. She needs to know that when and if a D happens, there will be no ME to call, no matter what. I totally understand that, what I don't understand is how making her mad (more than she already is at me) and pushing her away (that's what I feel like I'm doing) is what's going to help her see this loss. I feel crazy. I feel stupid, she FINALLY called me, and I didn't know what to say or how to handle it. I feel like I blew it. I feel like she expected her W to be there for her and her W didn't show up. That's not me! I show up, I'm there for my family. If they need something, I'm there. It hurts ME to not be there for them. ME. I hope it hurts her, but most importantly I'M the one hurt here. I'M the one in tears now. everything feels wrong. everything I'm doing and saying feels so wrong.

I can't gal and have fun without being and feeling guilty. I cant buy a stupid mattress because I don't know what kind I like (she's picked all 3 that we've had, do I like firm or soft?! who knows!?!?!) I can't buy the boots I wanted to gift myself for my birthday because my car broke down and I need money for that instead. why? I make decent money but I'm trying to pay off 10k in a cc we so kindly racked up. (some for her school some for our fun I'm sure) I cant make a bill pay on my account cus W handled finances so I'm literally clueless on using bill pay. I can't make it one day without crying. I can't concentrate at work 75% of the time.

Does it actually truly get easier? Am I crazy and stupid for thinking I may see my kind, intelligent, loving, funny & beautiful wife one day? cus from where I'm standing, I'm an idiot and a fool.

Cheesyt, you are neither an idiot not a fool. You have been unwillingly put into a situation that most people would instantly capitulate too. You are strong, intelligent, and hard headed...all traits a lot of us share. You are fighting the good fight and should be proud of yourself for standing for your M when no one else will.

You'll realize in a couple days that this wasn't a big deal in the scheme of things. I've found myself killing me for not doing something perfectly with W but you come to realize in the marathon we are running its weighting is minimal.

That said, I know how difficult the "here and now" can be and I know the fear you are facing. Just know that it'll pass and you'll be back to fighting for your M tomorrow. Your W is a fool for trying to kill the M. Now it's just getting her to see that.

Hang in there. We are all here to support you. You are an amazing person and one days worth of "incidents" does not make or break all of this. You'll get through this cheesyt, you are strong!!

Cheesyt...I am so sorry about the dog!!! Remember our W's are not who we thought they are when we were together. She called you at an emotional time for her because they are selfish right now. You reacted because you thought that she was wanting your comfort. She is still selfish and in a fog. You just have to keep living day by day. When my W dropped the bomb...well I caught her...in Feb...I couldn't focus on work for months...it sucked totally....it does get better I promise...I can sleep, I don't think about my W 24/7 and I am doing things for me. I do miss my W, the old W, not the person she is now. I had dinner with one of "our" best friends. My W has not talked to her since July 4 because our friend is on my "side". She told me she though my W thinks I would take her back at anytime. I thought this was probably true but the more I think about it the more I wonder. Yes I want my W back but I want her back with conditions...I could never ever go through something like this again...it has been the worst 6 months of my life. Hang in there....you can do it!!!!
(((cheesyt)))

I agree, I do think things get better. For me a big part of them getting better was when I stopped trying so hard. I know I'm going to make mistakes in regards to my W and this whole situation.

I know you are pretty hard on yourself when it comes to you W and D but I think you need to be kind to yourself. You're not perfect and mistakes will happen and that's okay. Just get up and keep going!

Originally Posted By: cheesyt

update. dog died.

I texted w asking about dog.
W- she's gone
I called, straight to VM as always, I'm starting to believe she has me blocked.
Me - can you call me?
W-I'm busy.

wtf. earlier it was so important now she's too busy. what the heck is with her?!
was she expecting one reaction and didn't get it so she's mad nod? what in the world.
I feel like replying eff you.

I'm trying to detach, I'm trying to not let her mood affect me and It does. Where's my W? the woman who cared about me? will she ever be back!?!?!?!

I haven't kept up with your sitch, so forgive me if this is way off base but . . .

Why did you immediately assume she was mad at you when she said she was busy?

This seems like a classic example of being emotionally enmeshed in an unhealthy way and mind reading.

Maybe she was just busy?

And even if she just didn't want to talk to you at the moment, why does that make you want to respond eff you? Your emotional response seems out of proportion to the exchange.

Emotional attachment starts when you stop mind reading and stop assuming her actions are directly related to you.

lt0402, hawker and maybs thank you for your kind words.

Rose888 - you are so right its not even funny. she was busy dealing with dog stuff. What I guess bothered me the most is, I too was busy when she initially called. however, this isn't the first time an "asap" or a "hurry" gets thrown in there because she knows I will stop what I'm doing and call her. That's where I get irritated. I stop my life for her "asap" or even a simple "call me" yet this is the millionth time I ask her to call me and I constantly get "I'm busy" "i don't want to talk" or some other line.

Originally Posted By: Rose888

[quote]
Emotional attachment starts when you stop mind reading and stop assuming her actions are directly related to you.

I will remember this! I have to stop emotionally mind reading her. It does me NO good.

Turns out I never replied and she called me around 10pm.
W was crying, told me what happened. The gate was left open both dogs got out. Since this is a small 5lb dog, it was best to put her down. I validated, told her I was sorry she had to go through that. That it must have been really hard for her. That she handled it great. Better than I would've. no small talk. did talk about the gate, I told her she better have someone fix it (I've fixed it every time) W said she would look for someone. I finally said thank you for calling me and good night.

It made me sad W was crying. I definitely wish I could've been there for my W, hugged her, consoled her. Wishful thinking does me no good.

-have a phone coaching session in a few hrs. hopefully this will help me clear my head and get to a better emotional and mental state. I feel out of whack!

Hi Cheesy, I'm so sorry about the dog. I'm glad you had the chance to validate her feelings of grief. When something like that happens and she reaches out to you, I think that's the right time to be there for her. These things aren't normal day to day b.s. The loss of a pet is serious, and so, again, I'm glad you were able to connect with her. To be withdrawn at a time like that, IMHO, is not a good strategy. Those are the moments when we're the only ones who can comfort and reassure. I think that's exactly the time to be there. No games, no DBing, just offering the support she needs. You can go back to DBing later.

You handled it well.

I agree with NYGal...you handled it great!! How was your coaching session?

thanks everyone! coaching session went well. I always feel better after that or IC. I feel like my batteries have been "reset" and I can continue on this long path.

NYGal- thank you! your post was just what I needed to stop debating on what to do, and just follow my gut and heart!

I picked up D after work. took her to library to get homework done, checked out some books then off to the park to catch pokemon until it was time to drop her off. We had a great time. D is a great kid. D mentioned W was at home all day, no school I guess. D also mentioned W expected me to come inside last friday, I had no idea. D said W was making dinner, D asked why I couldn't stay, I said I had work. Dropped of D, I walked straight upstairs into kitchen where W was and gave her a hug. My gosh, It was one of the best hugs ever. We hadn't hugged like that since before BD. I'm only 1-2 inches taller, so we fit soooo perfectly together. Nothing needed to be said, we hugged tightly. I pulled away from hug because generally W pulls away ever since BD (they make her uncomfortable) I looked at W straight in the eyes, (W stopped holding my gaze since BD too) but she held it. I saw her pupils dilate when looking at me. (I used to tell her I could see the love she has for me by just staring in her eyes, I don't know if I saw it, It could've been hurt and pain) regardless, I felt a connection. My stomach dropped and I got butterflies. Then I smiled. We small talked, I told her she looked good. W blew it off, saying she looked like "crap" because she sat around all day crying. Family game night resumes this sunday. I had to go to my side job. W insisted I take dinner to go, she asked 3 times before I agreed. I said good bye to D. walked back to kitchen and W hugged me. again, strong connection, (at least in my part) strong long grip. This time as we hugged W asked "are you ok" and I said yes. because in that moment, I truly was. I texted her later that dinner was delicious. no reply. perhaps I was temp checking? W is not the best cook, In our M I made sure she knew I was the superior cook. mistakes. I know. Which is also why I wanted to congratulate her dinner.

My W is very much there. Looking sad as heck. Hurt and in pain.

-still very much in love with my W

Sounds good, cheesyt. Sometimes it's good to just go for it, like you did with the hug. Makes 'em wonder.

all quiet over here. no texts no calls. no sign of life from W since Wednesday night's encounter.

Went to dinner and drinks with a friend last night. Hung out till late (9:30) Today we get off work early, was supposed to pick D up, but W changed those plans. Dropping off a friend at airport, then headed to meet with softball team for dinner and watching some other softball league games. Should be a nice day. Hopefully all goes as planned.

journaling- I keep meeting older divorced men at the bar that didn't want a D (we have a ton of good breweries here, -not an alcoholic I just love beer!) as they talk about their experiences I always ask "did you try to save your M" they've all said yes. Sometimes I wonder, are they on this forum? haha. So that leads my mind to, my W and I were together 6 years. I always thought that's a long time, how can someone walk away from 6 years like nothing? But last night this man's wife served him with D papers after 32 years and that W went dark and fell off the face of the earth. 32 years is forever. I know all people are different and so are the M's but if I think 6 years is a long time, it's kind of not. Not that that kills my hope, but it certainly shakes it a bit.
I don't know why but as of late when I think of my W and the love I have for her, I smile and It feels good. I love that I love her.

that lasted! I knew as soon as I updated, W would text. Asking if I wanted her to buy cat litter for my cat. Since she was going to pet store anyway to get dog food. I got a very enthusiastic text. I think.

W - Morning! ...cat info
M- Morning?! it's afternoon!! ...cat info
W lol whatever!!
W- more cat stuff, bills, D

good dialogue. kept it nice short. w. stopped. texting. like. this. thank gosh! W also confirmed about game night on sunday. nice to know she's thinking about it?...idk.

worried the "friendly" texts (even though they were all "business") will lead her to think we are "friends".

stressing about work. Had so much to do, staying past "close" W just so happened to text while I made a mistake. was hard not to let W know I was stressing and making mistakes. I know W would've had some encouraging words and made me feel better. But I made myself feel better on my own. And carried on with the work mistake.

-gotta run! I have plenty of GAL activities today.

Cheesy, I always worry about the being friends stuff. I always hear that you should be friendly but not friends but that is such a difficult thing to achieve, I'm not sure I get it!

Anyway, had my first session with the DB coach and he said that I should be friendly to my H which horrified me so I said but won't H just see me as a friend then? He said yes that is what you want at the moment because (in my situation) you were friends with H for 9 years before you got together so that is valuable to building your relationship. Do you know, I cried when he said that because I think we had lost that from our marriage. Actually I cried lots throughout the whole session, poor Chuck!!

Coly - I'm pretty sure I cried for my first session too. And yes my DB coach told me some sort of friendship is good. And actually my W told me when we first separated that she wanted to be friends and possibly build on that. We jumped into a relationship when we began dating and weren't "friends long enough" according to W now. So I too am working on being friendly but not friends!! So no activities out of Family ones and or personal talk - for me at least.

Keep up the DB coly! You can do it!

Thanks Cheesy you too!

Coly

Chuck is a great coach. I think had I listened to him initially my sitch would be different. I can't change that now. Please take notes when you speak to a coach and listen to what advice they have it is very valuable.

Thanks JimKao. I took lots of notes and he really helped to sort all those jumbled thoughts I had going around in my head! I'm going to post a bit about what he discussed on my thread, would you be able to come over and expand on what sort of advice you feel you didn't listen to?

Cheesy,

I didn't read your first link because I have been off the pages for a while but I read all 11 of this post. I know it seems counter-intuitive to pull away and not be there when she needs but it is exactly what you need to do. I was the WAS, I had an A and my H tried all of the things that everyone does before they finally pull away. I am here to tell you that nothing worked until I TRULY knew he was gone for good. I had already looked for ways to fix our M but even if I hadn't, I believe it would have worked. When your W texts you that she needs you to call or text right away, DON'T. Wait a while before contacting her. Act like you were busy even if you weren't. I was the WAS but it wasn't until I realized my H was gone for good and I did what I read on this site about GAL, being mysterious, etc... that our M even had a chance. We reconciled 3 or 4 years ago and we are still doing great. My goal is to payback to this site what I received but I have been in Nursing School and just couldn't get on very often. You really can reconcile, even with a spouse who is DONE.

I was done. When my S found out I was having an A and wanted to "work things out" "go to MC', etc, I was so MAD. I had tried for years and he had no interest. Then, when I finally felt happy he wanted to TRY? Oh no,I didn't want any part of it. Any S who thinks they had 'no part' in S wanting a D or having an A is wrong, I guarantee it. I know I saw on a page where you had 'done this and done that' to keep her happy but I will be shocked if somewhere along the line (more likely many, many times) she didn't tell you what she needed to be happy in your R.

I am not here to beat you up, I am here to tell you not to give up but to follow the advice you found in DR even when it seems wrong.

lovethehub - thank you so much for taking the time to read and give advice! I really appreciate it!!!!! and congrats on your marriage! a question, what did your H do for you to realize you had truly "lost him"? part of me feels W will not know this because we have a D and I'm there for D (as much as she lets me).

thank you again!

I would like to know that as well. Cheesyt and I are both dim and I haven't heard from my wife since I would not let her come to the house to see the dogs cuz I am out of town. That was Monday. NC except a brief moment at school Wednesday.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2700095#Post2700095