Here is a link to my old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2687344&page=1Not much new besides working on staying dim....second day yesterday with no contact...was a little sad last night but feel better this am...went out to dinner with a friend and had a good time.
I haven't done a good job of making my W miss me, we have been in contact ever since I said I can't live in an open marriage...2 days have been the longest with NC..so I need to make it through today...
one day at a time!!
Great job!
I know it's hard but it gets easier, for me it did at least. The first few days were h*ll but it's been 2 weeks for me now with NC. And I miss her like crazy, but I'm not going to give in!
One day at a time!
If you can do one day, you can do one more day!
Hawker and Maybs, ladies, I came across a song, that I think may speak to you. It speaks to me.
it's called Thy will
I'm not religious, but I love the singer Hilary Scott and anyway, It speaks to me and maybe it'll make you feel better, or have no effect. either way give it a listen!
Thanks C I will look it up. I am somewhat religious. Knowing God has a plan for me is helping me in this tough time.
then you will probably love it
the whole cd is pretty amazing.
I just listened to it twice....it was great!!! You are right I do love it!! Thank you!!
cyber hugs!
-smile from ear to ear.
Back at you C!
Thanks for the recommendation! I did like the song even though I'm not religious. I'm more of a Buddhist myself but I still see the appeal.
How are you ladies this am? I got through day 3 with NC...that's the longest so far.... Did a spin class last night which made me feel great and helped me sleep.
. I have my second call with my DB coach this am. Hope you guys have a great day!!
let me chime in, I'm okay. I'm way too excited for this softball get-together. hahaha
How'd your session go?!
I've had one.
glad to see you're going strong with the NC!
Hahaha I love softball. I used to play 3rd base
. My session went good. We talked about my goals and what I want to accomplish until next time. She told me to continue with staying dim and don't initiate contact, which won't be a problem at this point. I also booked a weekend trip back to my home town at the end of August for a pub crawl with my friends!
I also used to play 3rd base! Glad to hear you are feeling good about staying dim! A pub crawl sounds like so much fun. I spent my day out at the beach and just got back... I'm going to freshen up and go out to meet some old friends and see where the night takes me!
I'm so ready to have a night out with no drama and just fun. I'm wearing a pair of pants I haven't fit into for 6 years (why I even still own them is questionable) but they fit now! and I feel good!!!! I look good and I'm ready!!!!!! In a lot of ways this vacation is not how I want it to be but I'm still glad I came and I'm determined to have some fun.
Hope everyone has a great night!
That is cool you played 3rd!
My fav!!! Yes it hasn't been as bad today as the first few days.....the pub crawl will be a blast...something to look forward 2!!! MY DB coach was good...she said keep what I am doing...thinks my W has a MLC...great....
Hope you have fun tonight!!! Keep us posted!! :)) Good for you on the weight loss!!!!
It's called the LBS diet
Yes the LBS diet!
How was your softball get together?
Oh no another MLC W... have you read through any of the MLC stuff on here or elsewhere?
Yeah clearno, how was your softball thing?!
softball was good, went to the cages then practiced on field then went to a bar and had food and drinks. girls are nice, most are married, so there's lots of "W" talk, I just keep quiet and hope they don't ask me questions. We talked about setting up a fall team of some sort, hopefully that works out. I'll need it.
Still waiting for the day when I don't wish I were at home with my W instead of doing GAL activities. They all seem to end that way.
Hi girlies....soooo my W texted first thing in the am...its been the longest with NC...she asked if she had any important mail that I needed to give her...she said we could meet for drinks after our first day of school or could she come over this weekend to see the dogs and show me how to clean the pool filters....I said let me think about it....later at the end of the day I said I could use a beer but I don't want to talk about us or anything like that....we met up, spent 2 hours having a few beers, talking about other things besides R....it was nice to just hang out but I have NO hopes of Rec since I am sure the OW still is involved. My DB coach said it is ok to see the W, maybe it would rekindle feelings....IDK what do you guys think??
What is with the new name cheesyt??? Are you copying Maybs??? haha
My DB coach said it is ok to see the W, maybe it would rekindle feelings....IDK what do you guys think??
I'm not a girlie although up until BD I had chest length hair - does that count? Now I just have the hairy chest.
Go in with no expectations or pursuit and have fun. Let her see that you have a life without her and are complete - even if that is a lie.
Hahaha you are funny Andrew. Yes we will count your chest length hair. That's what I did....just went and talked, had no expectations and tried to act like my life was great.
IDK personally, I don't want my W to think that we can be "just friends" I'm not game for that at this point. but what do I know I'm not a pro at this . If you were comfortable with it I think it can be a good thing to rekindle feelings. I think at some point I would want that as well, I just don't want it too soon in my situation.
It's good she initiated contact, but I would be wary of motivation. She could just be trying to temp check you in a way to see how receptive you are to her.
Idk though hopefully a vet could way in on that.
Yes I don't want to be friends either and she knows that...thinking about it now it probably was a temp check. Ugh....
Give yourself some credit. I don't think it was a temp check, I mean maybe slightly but she probably misses you. Isn't the OW in another country? My Ws ea was in other country...that ended way sooner than I actually expected. Not to give you hopes or anything but long distance is hard, let alone diff countries too many variables thah can go wrong.
Don't pursue, as long as it was her idea, and you end the interaction I think it's ok, maybe yeah some rekindling. Make sure you're looking like the best hawker she's ever seen!
Changed the name Cus W has access to my cc where I paid for coaching and the telephone number comes up on my cc statement so if she were to google it and come here she'd know straight away and we don't need that. Changed my log in for cc and changed my name here. Better safe than sorry!
Hi Hawker, hope you do t mind me responding on your thread! If you think about it she contacted you after you went dim with her (result!) and I really think those excuses she used are pretty lame! Also even if she is still with OW, imagine how OW must feel knowing she has asked you out for a drink and if OW didn't know she had met you for a drink does that make you the OW now.... mmmm?
Sorry Hawker, I wasn't trying to make a good thing out to be a bad thing. I just would be wary of motivation.
BUT it does definitely show that going dim on her worked, it got her attention and made her miss you enough to make up some lame excuses to want to see you.
Thanks everyone!! I was thinking the same thing Colby about the OW hahahah. And chesyt the other woman isn't in another country but I wonder what if anything is going on....anyhow not getting my hopes up. I was looking the best, all tan and dressed nice.
.
Yes cheesyt better safe than sorry on the name change!!!
Maybs I am weary about the motivation as well so I will stay dim still and not pursue.
Haha sorry got my stories of OW confused. Someone's on here is in other country!
It's ok!!! Yes I remember reading that too. Not sure who it was
Just a quick update...my W came over yesterday on my time terms to show me how to clean the pool filters...she hung out with the dogs while I went and did my own thing (laundry, etc)....she took a few more clothes....I didn't ask any questions on R or OW...it was ok nothing major...she left and she texted something about a new road going up by the house...
So I guess I will go back to being dim.....and GAL....I have a pool party today with friends which will be fun, first preseason football game!!!
I also forgot to mention that she said she was going to happy hour with a bunch of her old friends. I said "have fun"...she was acting all depressed and said "I will try"...is it normal for the WW to act that way towards the LBS? Is she trying to get me to feel sorry for her or what? I didn't say anything...
sounds like she may just be having a rough time. It could have nothing to do with you. My W once mentioned things arent always how they seem after I mentioned she looked so happy (a few weeks after I moved out)
I personally don't want to know what the W is up to. The less I know, the less anxious I become.
True maybe she is just having a hard time. Yes the less I know the better as well!!
Hi everyone, IMHO, and you can take it or leave it, I think you are missing out on an opportunity, hawk.
If W is depressed, let her sit in it without you. I think you've had plenty of time for her to rekindle old feelings, and it's not working! She is in no hurry to make a decision when she gets to see you and text with you and even show you how to do the pool filters.
Again, just my opinion, but next time there's something about the house that she offers to help with, just tell her you've handled it. Figure out pool filters and such yourself. Don't let her work out her guilt by helping you. She needs to sit in her guilt and confusion and worry that she's losing you.
I say all this only because I really believe you have a good chance of getting her back. But she knows you are just there waiting and putting up with her cr@p while she plans things with ow.
In my situation, things were reversed. W would text or call with house questions and I always responded because I know it kept us close. And now she admits it was temp checking. But that damn temp checking kept her hanging on to ow for way too long. W knew I was still there for her. Until the day before they went on vacation. I thought at the time I was handling it miserably. I got angry and said I needed to know what her plans were (i.e. did we have a chance) because I wanted to move forward with my life. She didn't want to talk about it. I did everything DB said not to do -- I insisted, I begged, I pleaded, then I got angry. And off she went.
While she was on vacation, she started to worry that I really meant it. The vacay didn't live up to expectations I guess, and coupled with her fear that she was losing me, made her, well, get off the pot so to speak.
Hawk, I really don't know all the details of your situation, but it seems to me it's time to forget about softball and play hard ball! That was a joke. But seriously. Play tough! Let her miss you! Please.
I have to agree with NYGal and tried to allude to it before, I'm just not so eloquent with words online.
I think your W is trying to make up excuses to see you and temp check you and I can even see how it would "ease her guilt" to help you with things.
Just my opinion though.
nygal I like how you view / put things.
"In my situation, things were reversed. W would text or call with house questions and I always responded because I know it kept us close. "
-that's me exactly me! always there to fix the house!
no more cake eating gals!
Ok...I get it...you all our right...thanks NYGal I think you are right, she is trying to ease her way out of the guilt...I was like you and thought the communication would bring us closer but it is not, its just letting her keep hanging on to the OW...I will listen and play hardball since you said please.
Just kidding I know being nice and always there for her isn't making her miss me...ugh..
Maybs you are correct, temp checking and easing guilt...
Cheesyt...no more cake eating!!
I know it's hard to make her miss you. I haven't seen my W in nearly a month and haven't spoken to her AT ALL for 3 weeks. And she is just now starting to be curious about what I'm doing without her.
It takes time. I know for my W she felt like she couldn't get away from me fast enough or far enough. It's taken this much time just for her to stop running farther and be even a tiny bit curious about my life without her.
It's hard and it su*ks but if you can do it, I think it will be worth it.
Just my 2 cents.
Thanks Maybs...well it took my wife 3 1/2 months to leave the house and she has stayed in contact everyday since until last week when I really started to not talk to her....I know I have to do something different and I am going to listen to you guys and be tough....I hope it will be worth it in the long run!!
Thank you for your 2 cents!! You are strong not seeing her or speaking to her, she probably cannot believe it!!
Oh I'm sure she expected me to try to speak to her by now. That was my behavior when all this first started. Like others have said I felt like talking was keeping us closer, but that was just an illusion.
So I completely 180'd.
I will not ever pretend it's easy. There's probably 5 times a day when I think of an excuse to try to talk to her and have to remind myself that it's not important and the effort I've put into staying away from her this long would be wasted if I gave in over something stupid.
Baby steps - one day at a time.
Yes, I am realizing the talking is an illusion as well...I thought of stuff today and didn't send anything...thanks for the support...baby steps!!
right with you girls. I needed a dress for the party the other night, went to buy one instead of asking if I could stop by. Really want my spare key to my car (for running) but I'll just suck it up until D comes back and I have to see her for back to school!
totally not worth it!
you girls are doing great! keep it up.
Maybs how awkward was that call? haha cool that she answered though.
oh that last comment was for maybs thread. haha sorry Hawker! taking over!
It was uncomfortable. And I never want to do it again.
Not even kidding I'm having a key made today to give to a friend of mine just in case.
Good job on not giving in! It's not worth it, plus sometimes it's nice to have a new dress.
Hahahaha, its ok you guys can take over my thread anytime..
Yes, good job to the both of you!!!! Nothing new to report here...went out with friends last night for a birthday dinner..had fun!!!
Remember, NC is extremely difficult, and it's like an addiction, where our brains try and talk us out of it. But it's worth it. And if it doesn't work after a while, try something different, just like MWD says in Divorce Remedy.
My DB coach preferred being dim to being dark. As best I understand, it goes like this. The key word is indifference. You don't ignore texts and calls, but you take your own sweet time to reply. When you do, it's short and to the point. Don't ask questions about how they're doing, what they're doing... or who they're doing. Why? Because you are just so darn busy! You have your own glorious life to live, and if they choose not to share it with you, then it's their loss! Don't be sarcastic or mean or anything, just indifferent for the most part.
Hawk, I do see so many parallels in our situations, and I do think you're on the cusp of getting her back if you follow the DB techniques MWD talks about. Re-read the book!
You are right NY...it is like an addiction...like I think I have it under control and then there is contact and I cave...its not working so I am going to do what you suggest....I will re-read the book today!! I see the same parallels....I just need to be stronger like you!
Thank you!!!
Oh, I wasn't strong. Mainly lucky that she kept contacting me so I could semi-ignore her. Think of this as a big 180. See what works and keep doing that. See what doesn't work (after a reasonable amount of time) and stop doing that.
Got it!!! I see what is not working lol....I will do the big 180!!!
So I said "yep" to the text and then she told me all about what is going on with her at school...the principal wants her to do this and that....blah...I replied "good".
Perfect! Now see what happens next.Let this 180 sink in and see what happens.timing is perfect, after a fun night out with friends. You got this!
Thanks NYGal. How was ur night?
Nothing new here, wife texted about some kid in her class that I have on my caseload...I said "thanks" ...then she asked how the first day with kids is going and if I was drinking coffee in my office....blah blah...
did you reply?
temp checks?
W just bored?
W cant talk to OW about school?
Crap....wife wants to meet up an talk about our future...I said about what? She said getting the rest of her clothes and some personal items from the house and both of us moving forward. I said are you moving out of the rental? She said probably at the end of the month...I said to where? She said I wanted to meet not talk about this via text....ugh...I know she is probably moving in with the OW....
Hi Hawker,
Don't panic! Ok, W wants to talk about the future. This could be a major temperature check. You've been doing such a terrific job on your GAL and 180 that she wants to be sure you are still a viable Plan B. Back off on the questions to her and get back to your DB ways. Her sense of urgency isn't the same as yours, right?
My suggestion is to put off this conversation until you are able to speak with a DB Coach. They are experts in helping you decide what you should and should not ask and what will bring her closer. Please call me at 303-444-7004.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
We did meet yesterday...she said she wants to get the rest of her clothes and a few other things...she said she is planning on moving in with the OW at the end of the month unless something happens...which it won't....I said are you sure this is what you want? I was pretty sure until this week because she said going back to school reminded her of our life and when she got up in the morning she was like missing that....I'm sure she is just feeling guilty...who knows....
I talked to the DB coach this am....she said continue the contact, if she initiates it....she said she has seen more people reconcile when they continue in contact...I guess that is what I will do...
So the DB coach said keep communication going. First thing in am was an email from wife asking about my financial planner and she said thanks for meeting me and it was nice to seeing you. I waited a few hours to reply and when I did I said thank u it was nice seeing u 2. And gave her the of the guy. She texted before I replied to the email....just stuff about school.... I kept it brief and we exchanged a few texts. Should I mention when should she get her stuff or wait till she brings it up again?
Personally, I would wait for her to bring it up and then pick a time that works best for you.
Ok, that is what the DB said as well.... thanks!
any update here? temp checks? nothing?!
I got a temp check early Friday morning and several texts after. Nothing this weekend.
Got a early morning text asking if she had any important mail since I would be at her school today, I said nothing really pressing. She asked if I would bring it anyway. I texted her that I was there, she came and got her mail, we chatted for a minute and I said I had to go, she seemed to want the convo to linger....ugh...I wanted to talk more but did not, this [censored]!
at least she didn't ask "are you ok" those 3 words make me upset.
yes my world is falling apart, as you already know, but I'm ok. thank you.
was it nice to see her? what were your thoughts? feelings?
hawker,
Good for you ending the convo early!
With regards to the mail; in the future you can tell her that you think she got some important mail but you accidentally dropped in the shredder and then burned the shreds.
Yeah-- what's up with the "are you ok?"
and this lingering?!
I'm always wondering if it's guilt. Because if it's guilt, I don't want any part of it!!
Yeah-- what's up with the "are you ok?"
and this lingering?!
I'm always wondering if it's guilt. Because if it's guilt, I don't want any part of it!!
Hahahaha...good thinking doodler!!!!!!!!!!
Yes cheesy those 3 words suck but hang in there...I was trying to hurry so we wouldn't have to talk that much, I didn't really have a sad feeling today although I also miss talking to her (she said she misses that on Friday)but I also don't want her to think I am there for her to talk to while she is having and affair..
its guilt. they know our lives are up in flames. but they want to hear the "i'm ok" so they don't feel bad.
Nothing new happening today...went out last night with friends, they posted on FB...I know the wife saw, we went to her favorite local places which she probably saw...but oh well...I keep on plugging away...
Hawk, avoid answering the how are you questions. It's none of her business. If you can't get out of it, e.g. it's a face to face, just say, I'm doing well!
And if she says "It was nice to see you", just ignore it. It's NOT nice to see her if it makes her feel less guilty. And it's not nice to see her knowing she is off with the sow (stupid other woman).
Now is such an important time. She has to start missing you big time before she moves in with sow. She has to see what she's missing from your old life. And she has to think that you will be gone if she doesn't wake up from this thick foggy dream (nightmare) soon. Don't make any of it easy for her. Make it hard for her to leave, and easy for her to stay. That was my strategy. And that means never being a doormat. Never letting her think it's ok, what she's doing. It's not! It's a betrayal, it's cheating, it's lying, and it's the biggest mistake of her life. She will lose the respect of her colleagues and friends. And perhaps her family as well. She has to get a big dose of that, and soon.
Talk to your coach again. It's so important that you get the best advice now!
Ok, I know this is so important right now....I will not make it easy for her to leave! She needs to wake up from this stupid fog and I will not be a doormat. I have made it clear that it is not ok what she is doing! I will keep it up
So what do you guys think? Should I tell my wife to come get the rest of her stuff so that she feels a little angst before she moves in with the OW at the end of the month? Tell her to get her stuff because I need a break and I have to make decisons???
Any advice would be great! Wonka??
"tell my wife to come get the rest of her stuff so that she feels a little angst "
Sounds like you're doing it to manipulate a feeling out of her. If you want her to get her stuff, then tell her so. But don't do it because you think it's going to get some sort of reaction from her. That's control.
Thanks Mr. Bond, I guess I am wanting her to think about what she would be losing if she moved in with the OW....I don't want it to happen but I know I can't control her, I guess I was thinking she would feel like I was moving on and she could lose out since she goes back on forth on what she wants....
If you do something just to manipulate her into thinking a certain way, it won't come across as real. If you want to show her you've moved on, then do it. But don't do it if you're hoping she's going to change her mind. They can sense things like that.
Ok, thank you....I haven't moved on haha but I need to keep living for me and not worry about what she does...today was one of the first days in a long time that I haven't thought about her all day like I have in the past...
let her ask for her stuff. keep staying dim!
If you really want to have her think you've moved on, pack it up and put it all in garage or storage locker and text her to go and pick it up. No discussion or waiting for her. I'd hold back some things , one box and let her ask for it. Then she can come got and see the house without her stuff in it.
Oh thats a good idea!!
Thank you!
No haven't heard anything since Friday...I really am glad Sandi posted on your thread...it was soooo helpful...I am the same with you that I feel closer when we hang out but I don't want to be her friend so....I can't do that again....went to the movies yesterday and today hung out with friends and had some beers...didn't miss her as much as usual so that was good...hope you had a good weekend!!
So I figured the wife would text first this am because I am sure she spent the weekend with the OW...blah...yep 6:30 am...wanted something from the house which was legit. But then she said she wanted to pick up a few things and asked when I was going on my trip. I said Friday to Monday. She said I don't want to get it if you are not there. I said ok. Then she said I kinda wanted to see the dogs Sat. am...I said I won't be there and she said I know. "Do you not want me in the house if you are not home?" I said "Not a good idea". She was like really???? I said you are having and A and thinking of moving in with her so...she said "well it's not like it isn't mine or my stuff but its fine" I kept re-reading Sandi's post from Cheesyt in my head...don't cave...lol...I said you can have your stuff. She said "Well I can't wai to see what that is going to include now"...I'm like what???
So then she gets the financial paper from me at school and she was crying and said "I'm not doing this to be vindictive" I said you have chosen all of this, you left the house, dogs and those choices are yours not mine. I don't want this you do"....I did not cave, I was to the point, not mean but showing her its real..
wow, a little confused. haha re read a few times.
why are these WW crying? I know maybs's ww is getting emotional with the D stuff. yours clearly is too. Is it they're starting to see things or guilt? -anyone please chime in on this. I get mean short and to the point texts. I don't know what's better...or worse?!
Great, Hawk. Keep up the good work. I like the idea of packing up her stuff and letting her see what the house looks without her things in it.
Me 2!! Thanks for all your help NYGAl!!!
Cheesyts...I think its prolly not getting their way? Like she assumed I would let her see the dogs without me there..it could be get as well, I don't think she is seeing things yet because she feels so entitled to both lives? This is a 180 for me and I am not caving!!!!!!!
Hawker, I think the consistency is key. If you don't want her in the house w/o you there then definitely don't cave. I've found my WW will pull out the tears when necessary, but I'm starting to realize how it's not real and is just a tool they seem to use to get their way.
Stay strong and listen to MrBond bc I think that's good advice. Don't do things to get a reaction out of your WW, do them bc you want to.
Lt0402...I have no intention of caving...it was so irritating when she couldn't believe I wouldn't let her come....she left!!!!! Thanks for your input
Wife texted at noon asking if I was ok? She said another teacher just stopped her to see if she was ok...so she must have been looking upset from the morning interaction. I said no I am not OK. And left it at that. She sai "I don't know what you want me to say?" I didn't reply. An hour later she said "thanks for bring my financial papers". I didn't reply. That's it for the rest of the night.
why did she even ask if you were ok if she didn't know what to say?
was that last text was a temp check?
you and maybs seem to be having some interesting interactions with the W's...
They were both temp checks, the second one was because I didn't answer the "what do you want me to say"....hahaha yes very interesting!!
You're doing great, hawk!
Thanks NYGal...hope you have a good MC session!!!
NC today....I got to W's school tomorrow...I hope I don't see her before I leave on my trip...its just easier that way...
But you did, didn't you!
You mentioned that the friend who said W would take you back at any time hasn't talked to her since July 4th? A lot has happened since then, and I'll bet W doesn't still feel that. All the good DBing you've been doing has to have her wondering.
Correct, they haven't talked since July 4. Yes, I think I have her wondering at this point!!
Thank you!!
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