WAW is angry and filing divorce WAW still behaving angry and moving to divorce WAW still angry, moved out, D on the way? WAW moved out, spewing anger, trying to detach WAW,still angry, am I indifferent or detached now? “Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey towards it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us. ...Hope sweetens the memory of experiences well loved. It tempers our troubles to our growth and our strength. It befriends us in the dark hours, excites us in bright ones. It lends promise to the future and purpose to the past. It turns discouragement to determination.” -Samuel SmilesI am looking forward to a brighter future for me and my baby girls. The path may lend its challenges, but we will prevail and experience joy and peace in our journey.
May my STBXW find the peace and joy that she seeks.
These things I pray each day.
"Angry jungle felines"?!?! SH, you made my evening with those words. Wonderful.
It's late so I can't write much more, but I just wanted you to know that I am proud of you, and that I I loved reading you post. There are so many good things in what you say, and so much positive change and progress. You're a SuperHawk!
((((((SH))))) I hope you sleep well, my friend.
The circus just seems to get bigger. Maybe that is why I can sit back and enjoy it more as opposed to fear the weirdness that it demonstrates.
I hope that you slept well dear Phoebe. I am guessing that you did as I do not see any early morning posting from you. My fingers and toes are crossed that you did.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support and for staying connected with me. I am feeling better and with much hope. Still a lot of work and trying to not let myself become detached form making progress. I stress easy, but I am avoiding it of late and rolling with the flow for now. But there is much to come and I know the waters will have rough spells, but I plan on coming through on the other end better for it all.
We switched up plans a bit and went and saw Tarzan today. D17 needed some clothes so we were able to do that for her. Now just relaxing this evening as we have a full day for the next several days, but it will be fun.
I adore the circus analogy.
I am adding pink elephants!
V
Make that dancing pink elephants blowing their own trumpet.
V
Can we add Heffalumps and Woozles, too???
Welcome to your new thread, SageHawk!!!
May I add a dancing pole? Or perhaps vines a la Tarzan would be more appropriate now?
I will throw in some wax (for dehairing) too.
Hi there, SH. Just popping in to see how you're doing and to wish to s good night's sleep.
I am doing great!. Full week of activities.
Just got back from a wild few hours of paint balling with d17. Had a blast.
We are getting up early and going indoor skydiving. Looking forward to it.
I will journal a recap of a great week over the weekend, but I am having a great time this week.
Hi SH, I always use your GAL as my inspiration. Granted, it's a bit more challenging when you have 3 small ones under 6 but it's do-able. Indoor sky diving sounds really interesting!
Indoor sky-diving? Id like to hear more about what that's like. I can't imagine throwing myself out of a perfectly good airplane (!!!), but an indoor version might be more my speed.
Did you get any good bruises as souvenirs from your paint balling experience? I've never done that, either.
I'm really happy to hear that you've had a good week. It was well-deserved, my friend.
((((SparrowHawk)))))
I adore the circus analogy.
I am adding pink elephants!
Make that dancing pink elephants blowing their own trumpet.
Yes, the pink dancing trumpet blowing elephants are there over in the 4th ring that had to be added, because 3 were not enough. And big purple polka dotted bows have been tied to each ear. Bright orange trumpets are being tooted.
TOOT TOOT!!!
Can we add Heffalumps and Woozles, too???
Welcome to your new thread, SageHawk!!!
Yes.
Yes we can.
We can add them.
Says
Sam I
Ham.
We will add Heffalumps.
We will add Woozles.
We will add them to avoid the confronts.
We will add them to avoid the bamboozles.
Thank you. Thank you very much, I am looking forward to a positive future creating, life changing thread here Phoebe. Plenty of dram still to go to finalize the D. But I have plans to avoid being sucked into confrontations or being bamboozled with her circus acts.
May I add a dancing pole? Or perhaps vines a la Tarzan would be more appropriate now?
I will throw in some wax (for dehairing) too.
Oh you know we will add another ring (5 ring circus now) so we can have a dancing pole and Tarzan vines. But we won't let Margot Robbie nor Alexander Skarsgard dance and swing in this circus. Because they are already booked in our dreams, right!?
Now JksD, we already talked about the waxing. That is for the ladies only, and so far there has not been much lady like behavior in this circus, so you can hold the wax.
Hi SH, I always use your GAL as my inspiration. Granted, it's a bit more challenging when you have 3 small ones under 6 but it's do-able. Indoor sky diving sounds really interesting!
I'm glad you find some inspiration in my GAL. I am fortunate to have d17 and some friends to do it with. I am working on branching that out more as I can use some more friendly adults to try things out with and create new relationships and interests with.
I am impressed at what you have done with 3 small children and basically doing it solo. You keep at it and just be sure to schedule it in regularly. Life is to short to just wait for things to happen.
Well..... I guess an update is not in the cards as I had one written up and technical difficulties wiped it out. It's past my bedtime so I will have to try again tomorrow.
Sleep tight everyone.
Journaling and updates.
I have been keeping myself busy and by the time I get a few minutes, I am too tired to write much down. Amazing how a few short months ago I struggled with sleep and now it comes easy and like clock work.
I have added back the weight that I had lost from my "depression diet" as well as a few extra lb's, but the good news is I think it is mostly muscle weight as my waist measurements have not increased. I have really been getting after the daily workouts with weight training and early morning jogging. Although I do need to watch my eating habits as I know my addiction to sugar has me snacking a bit more on the sweets than I know is good for me.
Last week was an awesome week. I took the week off from work and planned out a number of things with friends and d17.
As I mentioned in previous posts we went swimming, 4th of July fireworks, an escape room, paint balling, I saw a couple of movies, and the most fun was the indoor skydiving.
As Phoebe mentions it is a great alternative to jumping out of an airplane. We did it as my d17 had requested this as her graduation gift and I loved the idea. It was so much fun. The sensation of actually flying was very cool. I do look forward to jumping out of a perfectly good airplane in a few months once the heat tapers off around here. Also d17 made me promise to wait until she turns 18 so she could go with me. So we are planning on doing that together.
I gotta tell ya. It is so worth trying out if you can do it. Very fun. I think I will try and take d5 next time. As we finished up a group of about 8 children came in and I swear they were all under the age of 8 and one looked younger than d5. They loved it as we watched a couple of them do it with the instructors.
Paintball was a lot of fun. D17 was so nervous until after a few games. I tease her, because she was more tense and nervous with the paintball than she was for the indoor skydiving. But she started pricing out paintball equipment when we got home, so needless to say, she loved that and wants to do it more often.
She is breaking out of her comfort zone and becoming a thrill seeker. She told me today that she wants to take scuba diving courses for her birthday in a few weeks. Goodness, gracious she is going crazy. In a very good way though.
I am missing d5 a lot as it has been a week and a half since seeing her. She calls every other day and chats for a few minutes, but as 5 year olds go, she has a short attention span and wants to run off to whatever adventure is close by. But she is doing well and that is the focus I have and know that I will see her in a few days and we will have some quality time this weekend.
I have been playing phone tag with my L for a couple of days. I still have not heard anything about the progress around the D that was filed in late April. Not sure why she is not pushing this as I know she wants the child support that I will have to pay.
Me, I just want to have it all in place so I can move on and recreate my future and dreams with the new hand that has been dealt to me.
I have a lot of work to do and I know that I have slacked off on some of my efforts for healing and find complacency in some days. But it is ever on my mind and taking small steps is key for me now. One step at a time. Learn form any mistakes I make and look forward with hope and trust in what will be and in what I am capable of accomplishing.
While I have not been posting as frequently I have been reading many threads and I feel some sadness and desperation for many LBS in this community because they are ignoring the common thread that has us in this community of MWD and her knowledge and information for DBing as well as not heeding the advice of so many successful DB'ers.
Many success stories in this community. All those that are struggling, should seek out the threads with the successful stories. And when I say success, I mean that folks are living a good life now, even if it is not with the WAS that BD'd the LBS.
The LBS's that are struggling are not doing what it takes to heal and then strengthen themselves. They know what they need to do, yet, it is almost if they are addicted to the pain and suffering. Mind you, I know that it can feel that we do not have any control as those sensations and feelings are vivd in my mind from a few short months ago, but taking steps, small steps creates the strength to walk the difficult path. But if one does not take those steps and argues and justifies why what they feel they know is the better route, then the struggle will go on.
MWD sent an email just last week talking about the pain and what the LBS needs to do to get through it. I hope that they can read it and learn from it.
Feeling Traumatized? Then there are so many other things that need to be done.
Seek out counseling for yourself.
Seek out a doc if you need referrals to a psychiatrist or AD's to balance you out.
Learn about emotional first aid.
Read as much literature as possible for the things that you are going through.
GAL
Focus on yourself and your actions.
Meditate and or pray.
Start with a beginners mindset.
But stop doing what you feel. This never leads down a good path for reconciliation or your own emotional health.
Start doing what is right. We all know deep down what that is, we just tend to let our feeling rule the day.
Too many threads of LBS being provided consistent advice and pointers, yet they are so focused on the WAS and hoping to get things back to the way they were (in spite of the fact that the things the way they were clearly were not in a good place) that they keep on suffering.
Read BluWaves recent post that she wrote for so many LBS that are not paying attention. Then pay attention.
So I am going to come off my soap box now.
I know what we are experiencing sux, but ruminating on it will not fix it and life is to short to continue to suffer, be bitter or be a victim.
Two recent ted talks have really influenced me and I recommend that you all check them out.
One is called
How to Stop Suffering by Morty Lefkoe
and the other is
The secrets to becoming Mentally strong by Amy Morin.
Trust me, you need to check these out if you are still reeling from the BD or if you have been struggling for a long time and can't seem to move on.
I don't want to sound harsh or callous, but I do hope that many of you can find some peace. We are here on this community because we found MWD and her information. But her knowledge will not do us any good if we don't start to apply the principles.
May everyone find some peace this evening and I hope that you can find the strength to push on.
I think that maybe I need to look into the plane-fre skydiving option, Savvy Homme. It sounds like a lot of fun.
I really enjoyed your post. You've come so far.
I'm falling asleep again,but I want to be sure you know I'm still her eyes,and still interested in your story.
Autocorrect. "Her eyes" = here, although saying I am still her eyes certainly sounds more… interesting… and strange.
Hope you have a good day, SH.
I am absolutely terrified of heights so this plane free sky diving sounds fantastic! I will look around and see if they offer it locally. I've also been curious about paint balling but was afraid it would hurt. I saw a show once where the people had huge bruises where the paint balls hit them. Did you experience that? Pain? Discomfort?
Hmmm, I am going to check out indoor skydiving.
My heart is too weak for outdoor skydiving but maybe I could just muster enough courage for the indoor type.
Or am I kidding myself?
I have 5 jumps, except it was when I was 20 years old, a cadet, and with the US Army at Ft Benning.
I seem to remember it was fun, once we got past all the training.
Give something new a try is my opinion.
Just an interjection on the skydiving. It's a funny story for those who don't know it.
I went skydiving once. With my exH. Before we jumped he proposed. Yes, that was how the proposal went. When it was my turn the chute didn't open all the way. The guy freaked a bit, but he sorted it out and we landed safely.
But one would think I would take that as a sign from the God's, right?
But it was fun, a once in a lifetime thing. I have it on video. I don't watch it because it is also my engagement video. But I could do it now an enjoy it.
I have a friend who just did indoor skydiving and she said it was the most fun thing she ever did!
Cadet, will consider trying!
Ginger, wow and you didn't freak out? I would have. But you really wouldn't know how your M would have turned out at that point in time. (((Ginger)))
(((SH)))
Admittedly I have not been good about keeping up on following my peeps here lately, as this summer has been nuts. I woke up early this morning and thought, "I need to see how SH is doing," and then I read this. Not only did you reference my posts, but I have been having those same thoughts lately! What a nice connection :-)
As you know, one of the reasons that I came to DB land after this time, is that I can see in hindsight what worked and more so what did NOT work! I keep reading threads where the LBS is trying to win back their spouse, only doing things to see results, and constantly looking behind their shoulder. It's as if they want an automatic response, when in fact, that impatience exudes weakness. It's how I feel when my iPhone jams up and I have to restart it--oh, come on! I don't have 30 seconds to waste before reading that email!!!
Let's not forget that we are all human. We are complex, evolved, intelligent, AND have 20, 30, 60, etc, years of emotional history. As do our spouses. It took us a long time to get to where we are (whether we knew it was happening or not) and it could take much longer to get to where we want to be. I think the reason this board is so awesome, is because we can keep reminding each other of that. When we are in pain or spinning, it is most difficult to make rational decisions. I believe the fog of the LBS is much thicker than the waywards' fogs.
So I completely agree with you my friend. DB is about finding yourself, loving yourself, healing, detachment, 180s, and GAL for YOU. I admire you, SH, because you get it. It's frustrating and hard to accept that we cannot influence (or control) our spouses. We want to shake some sense into them! We cannot. That is why the most uccessful DBers IMO understand that they are giving us a gift. The gift is TIME. And I feel entitled to say that because I didn't use my time wisely. It's much harder to "DB" and heal while piecing.
You get it, SH, and for that you are successful. I was only successful in that my H came back, but that was his choice. Now I have been making my choices for this last 15 months, while still wiping the dew off my lenses. So when I look at H and think "Really, dude? Really? You actually DID that!?!", I have to try and understand if it is coming from my emotional place or if this M may not in fact be what I want.
Not sure how much sense that made. Time for another cup of coffee.
(((SH))) thank you for getting it straight and thank you for being here. You deserve wonderful things.
-Blu
Alright, so I wanna catch up with those of you that have been so kind to check in on me.
Phoebe, you are my guardian DB Angel and partner in crime. Thank you for being " her eyes" for me. I have many things that I could put that to, both appropriate and otherwise, but let's just go with it made me chuckle.
So grab that L friend or the other friend or your mother, or a child in the neighborhood and go do the indoor skydiving. You will not regret it! I promise.
SassySara,
You as well. I am not sure how old your children are, but I know they said 3 years and up can do it. I showed my d5 and she said she wants to try it. So fun, you won't regret it.
Lol I have to laugh because d17 was more terrified of the paintball and getting popped by it than the indoor skydiving. It does have a little sting to it, but you can get gear that covers most of you. My first time getting hit was right between my eyes on my protective mask. So other than the pain of embarrassment for being shot in the face it did not hurt. Of course d17 got hit right on her hand that was holding the paintball marker, and she made a cute little scene because it stung for a minute, but after she shook it off she loosened up and had a blast. We are trying to go again next week now. Good for a fun adrenaline rush. Quite the opposite of the anxiety adrenaline rushes we have become used to.
JksD, now if your heart is strong enough to swing on vines with Tarzan in your dreams, then indoor skydiving won't mess with the old ticker one bit. After you try it though, you may just want to float out of an airplane. I know it has really got me pumped to jump out of one. I don't think you would be kidding yourself to give it a go. The indoor one at least.
Cadet, it is an honor to have you pop into my corner of the community here. I am taking on your motto of giving new things a try. Why not, right? My youngest brother was a paratrooper in the army. He did all of his jumps up in Alaska. Says he wants to skydive as that would be fun compared to the way they jump in the army. All that gear, close to the ground, and the frozen tundra. He said he thinks he shrunk an inch after his time in.
Ginger, your story is both amazing, and well terrifying. Not the whole bit about it being a sign from God, but the fact that the chute did not open right. Wow. That should deter me a bit from wanting to give it a go, but your still here with us, so I still think my odds are better jumping from a plane than getting to and from work everyday on these crazy freeways I gotta travel on.
And you may have given me a good idea for proposing my next go around. I gotta break any bad mojo that may have popped up from your sitch. I wanna blaze the trail for future couples to not be afraid to skydive and then pop the question.
I am sure it goes without saying, but, I agree with JksD, you never would have known and the two do not correlate.
Still a great story though, the chute troubles and you lived to tell about it.
So just go do it ya'll. You will have a blast, I promise
SH
I do read your threads and posts and they are remarkable you know.
I sometimes really concern myself with you and the things that are very important.
I notice that SH is the most amazing dad and I smile that this aspect of him is holding him sane.
I see the enormous love in SH for others and I ask a very deep question SH, one you do not have to answer.
Does SH give himself that love?
V
SH,
I just had to tell you this.
I spied with my little eye a guy in my pole dancing class. Ok, to be more accurate, he was in the class before mine. But the thing is, guys do pole dance.
But you guys will probably have to go through excruciating pain because hairy legs can't grip the pole. Yup, that guy waxed. Or did whatever he had to do to have hairless legs.
I know the idea of waxing doesn't appeal to you. But just in case the fancy strikes you, do know that guys do pole dance.
JksD!
(((SH)))
Admittedly I have not been good about keeping up on following my peeps here lately, as this summer has been nuts. I woke up early this morning and thought, "I need to see how SH is doing," and then I read this. Not only did you reference my posts, but I have been having those same thoughts lately! What a nice connection :-)
As you know, one of the reasons that I came to DB land after this time, is that I can see in hindsight what worked and more so what did NOT work! I keep reading threads where the LBS is trying to win back their spouse, only doing things to see results, and constantly looking behind their shoulder. It's as if they want an automatic response, when in fact, that impatience exudes weakness. It's how I feel when my iPhone jams up and I have to restart it--oh, come on! I don't have 30 seconds to waste before reading that email!!!
Let's not forget that we are all human. We are complex, evolved, intelligent, AND have 20, 30, 60, etc, years of emotional history. As do our spouses. It took us a long time to get to where we are (whether we knew it was happening or not) and it could take much longer to get to where we want to be. I think the reason this board is so awesome, is because we can keep reminding each other of that. When we are in pain or spinning, it is most difficult to make rational decisions. I believe the fog of the LBS is much thicker than the waywards' fogs.
So I completely agree with you my friend. DB is about finding yourself, loving yourself, healing, detachment, 180s, and GAL for YOU. I admire you, SH, because you get it. It's frustrating and hard to accept that we cannot influence (or control) our spouses. We want to shake some sense into them! We cannot. That is why the most uccessful DBers IMO understand that they are giving us a gift. The gift is TIME. And I feel entitled to say that because I didn't use my time wisely. It's much harder to "DB" and heal while piecing.
You get it, SH, and for that you are successful. I was only successful in that my H came back, but that was his choice. Now I have been making my choices for this last 15 months, while still wiping the dew off my lenses. So when I look at H and think "Really, dude? Really? You actually DID that!?!", I have to try and understand if it is coming from my emotional place or if this M may not in fact be what I want.
Not sure how much sense that made. Time for another cup of coffee.
(((SH))) thank you for getting it straight and thank you for being here. You deserve wonderful things.
-Blu
Blu, I was excited to have you post here on my thread and check in with me. I know what you mean by the busyness of this summer. My d17, work and just all the stuff I gotta get done has made the time past quickly and many things that I want to get done get pushed back. Like keeping up here and journaling and trying to help others survive the BD.
I know you are right in that each of us has our own history of emotional evolution that can blind us as we go through our challenges. I have been looking inward with vigor, persistence and dread to figure out my part in it all as well as to correct those loose ends that get me into trouble.
This may be the combination of why I struggle here of late.
I lived and experienced what it took to slow down and even stop the spinning. I know how hard it was to do it, but I know how important it is for my daughters, my family and friends and for my own stability mentally and physically.
I am no superhero, nor DB expert and I have a long way to go, but I sat with an IC and basically convinced him that I was clinically depressed because I was so lost at that time, and may have been my whole life.
And now I sit here and look back and doubt that I have suffered from clinical depression ever in my life. I have quirks, I am an introvert, I am the one that prefers a quiet night at home as opposed to going out to a social event with lots of folks. But I can look myself in the eyes and say that the BD did something to me that I cannot explain, and I got through it with the DR from MWD and some very good people here in this community.
Funny thing, is I was looking to save my M, and find the way to do so when I read DR and got a DB coach, (which I still have 2 sessions left, just not sure how to use them) only to see everything go down hill fast and furious with the WAW. It was the information for DBing that made me realize that the goal needed to be to get myself back together as soon as possible to help myself and then maybe, just maybe she may become interested.
But the sentence that I paused on when I read it in her book was "Although its true that many marriages do end in divorce, just because your marriage is really fragile right now doesn't mean your have to be a statistic. There are many people that beat the odds. Although the LRT doesn't always work, it works often enough for you to be eager to give it a shot."
But after MWD explains the LRT, the next part that made me pause and really take stock of what I needed to do what where she says " One of three things happens when you use the LRT.
The first is nothing. Unfortunately, there are many times when, no matter what you do, your spouse has firmly shut the door on your M. I tell you this because I don't want you to think that this is a magic bullet. It isn't. However, even if your M doesn't improve when you do the LRT, your mental health will. I promise you."
I knew then that the goal was to ensure that my mental health would be in a good place by following the things that she outlined. This is the WIN WIN solution. What is there not to understand here?
Anyway, I ramble on and am not making much point other than, I know that just because I was able to shorten my path of pain and distress, that it is only my path. Others must choose and follow their own path. Some will take the advice her and from MWD and they will find a bright future in the not so far distance. Others will follow a longer path that may lead to more challenges down the road. But it is not for me to judge nor force upon anyone.
My plan is to pull back a bit, on my advice giving and focus on words of an encouraging and moral support type for those that are struggling. I will have to fight the urge to smack them in the head and say, "listen up bub! Quit running headfirst into that wall. The door is down the other way, and even though you can't see it because it is dark, just listen to those that are there and calling for you to come on down and walk through. Because my friend, that wall ain't moving anytime soon, and the only way to the other side is through the door that you are ignoring right now. All that you will gain by going to the door is some life time to enjoy and some mental and emotional peace of mind."
Ugh, that probably came out sarcastic...
I do wish that more LBS when they come here for help, actually would take it. More success stories here, may not scare off others that never join because they see some drawn out horror stories. That by the way was me when I first peeked in here. 2 stories LBS that'd been here a long time, and clearly in a deep state of depression and not taking the good advice of Dbing. I jumped out fast, because I needed help, not more fear. But the crisis outweighed my first impression and I am glad that it did.
Great folks here and enough success stories to poke through.
And there I go rambling again.
Thank you Blu for your support. Thank you for sharing your story and struggles, but more importantly you share how you are pushing through and taking the steps needed for success. Thank you for your kind words on my success and understanding of DBing, even though the success is in my mental health as unfortunately I found DB to late to give my M a good shot of avoiding D. I still have some hope held out that time will clear some fog for my STBX. But my focus will remain on making me a better Man, Father and H and let time decide the fate in a not to far distant moment.
I look forward to hearing from you soon BluWave and I know that step-by-step you will arrive at that blissful point where things will be in place to enjoy from the bottom of your heart.
SH,
I just had to tell you this.
I spied with my little eye a guy in my pole dancing class. Ok, to be more accurate, he was in the class before mine. But the thing is, guys do pole dance.
But you guys will probably have to go through excruciating pain because hairy legs can't grip the pole. Yup, that guy waxed. Or did whatever he had to do to have hairless legs.
I know the idea of waxing doesn't appeal to you. But just in case the fancy strikes you, do know that guys do pole dance.
JksD,
Alright here, you are calling out my manly ego here and I must respond with courage that I can do it. I am in a facing my fears mode of late, so Challenge accep......
Well, lets make this interesting.
You get out and try skydiving and I will get the pole and....ugh, I am gonna regret this, I will wax my legs and try pole dancing.
What say you?
V, I may need to borrow your pole for this.
Sara? You want in on this action?
LOL
I was going to journal some, but it is late. Lots of fun stuff, (adrenaline junky being created here) some sad,(not really sure how to put into words) well not sad, but low moments to document.
New things happening with the Bday of d17 tomorrow. She is so excited.
I will drop details tomorrow, and I am off to sleep because 4am comes mighty early around here.
I will read and post asap. Best wishes and thanks for dropping by my thread
Around my neck of the woods, 4 am comes pretty late, given that I am still awake and that's what time it is!!!
I want to be asleep, but I'm knee deep in a bunch of financial documentation for my L, and not doing all that well with it, actually. I'm so tired of all of this already, and it's only just begun. Yippee. My astounding procrastination skills don't help. (Obviously I'm here stalling again...)
Anyway, Just wanted to pop by and say hello, my friend.
V! Ooh, I probably need pointers from you on the twirling.
I am so tempted to fix a pole in my new place.
SH, I guess I should let you know that I am kind of competitive. Presently, giving me a challenge is like asking a dog to play fetch. Wait... Did I just call myself a biatc....
Anyways, I have checked out the place and the rates. It's just a matter of 2 or 4 jumps, with or without kid.
Say when, SH. Say when....
SH, I am flattered you sought me out to give my opinion. Here are a few of my thoughts.
It is interesting you quoted MWD on the LRT and only quoted the first of the three possible outcomes.Nothing happens. From my observations here, I think that it is too early to state it has not had a positive effect on your W. You cannot know that and it really does take a long time to cause a shift.
I often use the frozen lake analogy to describe the DB process. DBing thaws the WAS from the inside out just like a frozen lake. The ice gets thinner and thinner but on the surface it remains unchanged and frozen. Do not assume anything but also don't sit there watching for it to melt.
I think you have done great. That bond between you and D17 has strengthened so much in this process even though ye seemed close before. That is priceless and may not have happened to the same extent if this crap had not happened.
You seem to have grown impatient recently.Why is that? Had you hoped all the great stuff on your side of the fence would have drawn W out of her fog by now? Are you realising that regardless what you do it may nit get her back? Those changes and great improvements are for you. You have embraced that. Your W has noticed your improved lifestyle.She has. But for now she is clouded by other stuff. That cloud could be there for years to come or could lift next week. Don't sit and wait.
I think having a WAW is in some ways harder to deal with than a WW. A WW will behave and do stuff that pushes the lbs to "had enough" stage faster. A WAW gives false hope because there is no one else involved. That hope holds many lbs back.
Over the last 20 months, I have come to a standstillmany times faced with a decision on how to proceed. Earlier on I put myself under unnecessary pressure to decide NOW about the future. However now when faced with the same type of crossroads, I acknowledge that it would be good to decide definitely now the best way forward, but it is not a necessity. Furthermore I can change my mind further down the road if I don't like my choice. This situation is stressful enough without imposing self imposed unnecessary stresses as well.
I think you are in a relatively good place regarding moving forward. What did the coach advise you ? Maybe you should use one of your sessions now if you feel stuck.
Best wishes. Hopefully something in what I said will help you. If you want my to clarify anything, let me know.
I think you are in a relatively good place regarding moving forward. What did the coach advise you ? Maybe you should use one of your sessions now if you feel stuck.
Hello SH_,
Happy Bday to D17! Sounds like your GAL with her has been super fun.
Really think about what Roist is saying. Feeling stuck and want to schedule a session with your DB Coach?
BTW- I have to agree that indoor skydiving is awesome
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I was going to journal some, but it is late. Lots of fun stuff, (adrenaline junky being created here) some sad,(not really sure how to put into words) well not sad, but low moments to document.
New things happening with the Bday of d17 tomorrow. She is so excited.
I will drop details tomorrow, and I am off to sleep because 4am comes mighty early around here.
Well.....tomorrow turned into almost a week....where does the time go when you are staying busy and trying to hide from all of the non sense that comes with a WAS, an unwanted D and learning how to be a single parent?
SO it has been over 2 weeks since I shared any details or journaled much, so it is about time to do so, and do it in a coherent manner.
I finally connected with my L a day after my last journaling and he asked me what the word was from my STBXW. The question caught me as a bit odd and I responded that I had no idea as she avoids speaking, well avoids any communication with me. I said, that is why I had been reaching out to you, to see what needs to happen next as I was under the assumption that the D had been filed back at the end of April. He advised me that there was some hold up due to her L, I did not really understand all of the legal mumbo jumbo he stated, but then he said that he just received something. He mentioned that we needed to do some stuff with the retirement fins and some odds and ends points for co parenting arrangements, and that was it. He said he would send me the info by the falling Monday.
It has been almost 2 weeks and I have not seen whatever it was he was sending me. But I have not stopped to think about it much. Maybe that is not good, but, I just don't feel the need to work to hard on it as the fins are already agreed to and sealed, so the rest really is not urgent for me. Especially if she is not doing anything to push it along. Basically I have not been served. somedays I question why. Other days I don't really care.
But then my L caught me off guard with some other questions.
He asked how she was doing. I replied that I did not know as no communication as I had mentioned. The only info I am aware of is that which my D's state or mention on occasion. Both tell me how she seems sad, confused, lost and depressed, but I do not have any first hand knowledge. He then stated something to the affect, that the grass does not seem to be greener on the other side as she had hoped. I replied, yeah, something like that.
There was a pause.
He then asked, do you want to talk to her about reconciling?
I was speechless for a minute.
I then responded, that I would leave that up to her to pursue. But at this moment, the person that I see, is not one that I would want to reconcile with. I have been feeling peaceful and calm, in a manner that I had not recalled for many years.
My L replied, unfortunately that is what I hear more often than not.
My response played over and over in my mind for several days as I wrestled to determine if that was what I really believe. Am I feeling relief from many years of stress and eggshell walking, or am I holding a grudge for what she has done to my family in the last 6 months?
I have still not made a final determination.......but I do know that with each passing day I look forward and have thoughts of a better future with a partner that loves me unconditionally and I her.
But for now in these moments, it is a vision of a goal that I hold to provide hope. Now, I have much work to do to be the man that is worthy of such an opportunity. I have 2 sweet little girls that need direction, support and love in this chaotic situation. I have confidence that needs to be rebuilt in myself in my career, in my social connections, in my abilities to beat back father time and not think I am to old, or to past my time to accomplish things that I would like to.
For now, there is still much work to do.
The following day I received a text from WAW letting me know that she would bring d5 over Saturday morning as the flight was getting in late on Friday night. The night that she was supposed to drop d5 off to me for my weekend after the 2 week vacation out of state.
I was not pleased, but it did not anger me. It happens.
I got some weekend chores done Friday evening so as not to have to worry about them when D5 came over.
I got up early Saturday to exercise and get somethings done and then it was 9 am and no word or sightings of WAW and d5? I texted to inquire as to what time to expect them.
A bit later I received a text saying that her car would not start and that they would be a bit later.
Again not pleased, but not angry. It happens.
Then it is noon and still no word. I text again. I receive a call a bit later, and she says that the battery had died and she was on the way to the dealership to swap it out as it was under warranty.
Again not pleased, but not angry. It happens. But seriously. 3 hours to figure out a dead battery and decide how to fix it?
45 minutes later I get a text saying it would be an hour before they can even get the car in, and I can come get d5 if I want.
Again not pleased, but not angry. Becoming annoyed. It happens. I reply, I will be there shortly to pick her up.
I needed to ask the dealer something anyway as it was where I purchased my new car.
After I pick her up and we head home, d17 mentions to me that d5 may be really tired. I replied, yeah, jet lag. d17 replies, no, their plane got delayed until 130 am and they did not even get in until 330 in the morning. Her mother was stressed out and exhausted and d5 did not get a restful nights sleep because of all of this.
Ugh.
D5 was in good spirits and we went swimming and had a good evening. Sunday still in good spirits and then just like that weekend over and after missing her for 2 weeks, I felt shorted on my weekend. But it happens.
The rest of the week was pretty much a lot of the same. But it was build up for a super fun birthday weekend for D17.........now D18.
She looked all week for something fun to do. Most of the things she found were outdoor things. We have temperatures here that are even to hot for the devil to enjoy, so I encouraged her to keep looking.
Thursday night she tells me she found the perfect thing, but not sure if I would do it. I asked her what it was.
She replied,"Flyboarding."
I said fly...whating????
She said flyboarding. It is where you hover above the water.
I said, "Say whaaaat????"
She said, here check out this video on youtube.
I did. I had a look on my face. She said never mind. I know that does not look like something you would do.
I said, maybe another time. I might give it a go. She said cool.
I then, thought aww, what the hell?!!? Why not, lets do it.
She said "Say whaaat??? For real?"
I said, yep. Lets book it now before I change my mind.
Long story short, absolutely amazing fun.
D17 did so good and the smile on her face after doing it was a beautiful thing.
Me on the other hand. I had great fun, but my first fall was a belly/face flop that could be heard across the lake. And the video d17 took, you can hear her voice of pain for me as she announced the play by play and then her giggling with laughter at my expense.
Fear faced.
D17 had the time of her life.
Totally worth it.
Can you say "becoming an adrenaline junkie"?
Yup. Yup I am.
We then had some great KC BBQ at a place on the pier and watched some experienced flyboarders. Google it if you have not seen it before. Some cool vids of folks flyboarding.
A fun fact, the model used in the movie the Pirates of the Caribbean for the Black Pearl pirate ship is anchored at this lake. the guy that created it owns a houseboat and some other stuff and has placed the model boat in the lake and it is used for party and things of that nature. It is about half the size of what it appears in the movies, but it was cool to see and check out.
Did I mention I live in a desert where the temps get much hotter than down in the devils neck of the woods?
The lake was amazing and to think. I have lived here 15 years and never went there.
We capped of the bday fun by seeing Star Trek. Yep, I grew up with a Trekkie father and so I am trying to pass the trekkie tradition along to my kids. She enjoyed it.
Sunday I was asked to speak at church. Now I was asked 10 days prior and procrastinated like no other in preparing a talk. Sunday morning I was not prepared other than half dozen resources and an idea of what to do. In the past I would have made an excuse and bailed out. I wanted to, but I chose to face my fear.
Fear of public speaking. Fear of doing something when everything is not in order. Fear of speaking to a congregation that knows full well I have not been an active member for years. And fear of half the congregation that has my STBXW's side of the story and basically helped her and supported her decision to leave me.
Fear faced. Many shared thanks and positive feedback for the message that I shared.
This week I am setting up an IC for d18 and I. She is still struggling with bouts of depression and anxiety. She manages it better than one would thing, but when things break down. It is very not pretty. I am hoping for additional help for her to talk with someone, as well as for me to learn how to assist her and be whatever she needs to support her through it.
D5 has been a joy this week, but something is really off. She is starting to seem confused, sad and frustrated. Many little things that I will not go into detail of, but in all of this time, this week she really seems off and it breaks my heart. But I ensure that I acknowledge her when she speaks, I let her lead when she is trying to accomplish things and I ensure her thoughts and opinions are included as we do things. And as many hugs and kisses as I can convince her to share with me. She loves to mock me by wiping of the kisses on her cheeks. Oh I love that kid.
I think the novelty of this being fun for her is wearing off.
School starts for her next week. Structure will be shock to her I believe as she has not had any over the summer and we'll see how we can best help her.
Yesterday morning, d18 offered to drop off d5 at their mothers as she was going in that direction for her babysitting job. This is something that WAW knows of and asked that I let her know as the drop of is a bot later when this is done.
I forgot to text her mother the night before to advise she was doing it and that it would be a bit later. We had agreed on this previously and I just forgot.
In the morning I received a text asking if I was coming to drop d5 off. I replied with my apologies as I meant to let her know the night before. I also advised that we were running a bit late as d5 complained of a tummy ache the evening before and again in the morning.
The reply from STBX was "I thought d18 had to work. It is not d18's job to drop her off for you."
Yup, blood pressure rose. I paused. Reminded myself that the response was that of a crazy person as this had already been discussed and agreed to and that my only error was failing to text the night before. And only a crazy person would fail to ask about the state of d5 who sounds to not be feeling well.
I called d18 to give her a heads up in case her mother went after her as is the pattern. D18, said thank you and not to worry about it.
I took an hour to ensure a positive text response.
It was, "You are correct. It is not d18's job. I hope d5 feels better as she said she was not feeling well."
No response.
D18 let me know later that day, that she did not really say much and whatever she said d18, just ignored and changed the subject.
Well, I better not let 2 weeks go by before making an update. Thank you to anyone that is hanging in and reading this all.
Today I have been in a funky mood. But it is late. So more on that later.
SH
I do read your threads and posts and they are remarkable you know.
I sometimes really concern myself with you and the things that are very important.
I notice that SH is the most amazing dad and I smile that this aspect of him is holding him sane.
I see the enormous love in SH for others and I ask a very deep question SH, one you do not have to answer.
Does SH give himself that love?
V
Lady V, I have not chosen to avoid answering this. It is a question that I have been pondering since I read it. It is one that I am still pondering as my mind has been in a misty place of late.
I say misty, as it is not a fog. I am not down. I am not depressed nor anxious, but I feel as if I am wandering in a place that limits my view to my immediate emotional surroundings. It is not a place of comfort, nor despair. But it is a place that I must move from.
But your question has made me to stop and ponder.
Might you elaborate on your observations of my musings and thoughts in asking this question.
My hope is to wisp away some of the mist that I may more fully grasp the question and discern the answer, that I may take action and progress.
Great updates.I like your L.
I imagine that if W truly wanted to reconcile she would not be the person you doubt you want back! Just a thought.
I wanted to add something to my last post. Check out my last thread or look up caliguys thread. There is a tool about changing character traits and involves three lists.
1 list things you like about you
2 list things you dislike about you
3 list things that you find admirable in others or in an ideal you.
First list is to show you you already have many fine qualities. Then work towards replacing items from list 2 by items on list 3.
Some people here have found this exercise helpful in becoming the person they want to be, but also helps to get moving again. Let me know your thoughts on that.
Way to go on the latest fun activity. Love that why the hell not attitude.
SH,
I will let you off from the waxing and poledancing because of your flyboarding experience. I need to check out what the heck that is on youtube.
I like your L too. It seems that your L is not one of those bull-dog D pushers and he sounds like he has your welfare at heart.
You are miles ahead of your W in terms of personal development and I can understand your state of IANILWY. Your W certainly doesn't sound very lovable right now.
But maybe because I was an almost WAW with a touch (or more?) of MLC and a good dose of depression thrown in, I have some compassion for WAW.
Remember my post about the different timelines in self- evolution? What are your thoughts about it?
No hurry, SH. Good that you are on an even keel. Sometimes the best action is none and to wait for the answer to reveal itself.
Omg. You need to stop being so freakingly up-to-date with your GAL activities. I am finding it hard to keep up!
My heart and my wallet do not thank you.
Hello there, my dear Sparrow Hawk. I am sorry that I kind of fell off the planet there for a while, but I'm here now, and I just read through your journal entries. I'm sorry to hear that WAW is acting strangely, but glad that you are hanging in there. Limboland is a strange place to be stuck. I didn't realize that you have yet to be served. Apparently it's going around, as WH can't seem to get me served, either.
I'm sorry to hear that D5 is struggling now. Luckily she has one parent who is a rock in her life and who can give her the stability she needs to make it through this transition. I am very, very glad that your D18 has passed the age limit that kept her from seeing a therapist previously. I think that she may benefit greatly from being able to work through her own thoughts with a neutral third party. I can't imagine how difficult all of this is for her, at an age where she feels like she should begin to take on the responsibilities and emotional maturity of an adult, and yet she is still very much a young girl. She is being and has been strong for everyone around her, yet she still needs to process her own thoughts and emotions and struggles. She also needs to grieve the losses she has felt.
I wish you s lovely day today, Sage Hope. And I do want to get back to being in closer touch with you. I miss that interaction.
hello, hello, SH! I'm back again to check in on you and to offer you my best wishes in everything you are doing.
I tried to find a local indoor skydiving facility because you made it sound so great, but the nearest one is hours away. Ah well, I'll just have to indoor skydive vicariously!! I still need to look up what flyboarding is, as I've never even heard of it.
How have you been doing in the last couple days?
(((((((Sparrow Hawk)))))))) hugs to you, just because you deserve them.
V! Ooh, I probably need pointers from you on the twirling.
I am so tempted to fix a pole in my new place.
SH, I guess I should let you know that I am kind of competitive. Presently, giving me a challenge is like asking a dog to play fetch. Wait... Did I just call myself a biatc....
Anyways, I have checked out the place and the rates. It's just a matter of 2 or 4 jumps, with or without kid.
Say when, SH. Say when....
Okay JksD, I know you will appreciate this story. So today I am at church and I have arrived at Sunday School class a few minutes early and I pop my instagram feed as I follow several motivational feeds. I was looking for some inspiration.
So I follow this one feed that shows short vid clips of different kind of workouts and pretty amazing athletic feats.
So here's where the chuckle will come in.
I am casually sliding it down when a clip of a tall drink of very fit woman is pole dancing in what appears to be a room in her home. Yup, right as I see this, I get a pat on the back and a greeting from a member of my church. Umm, can you say bright red and clicking every button to shut off my phone. Its not what it looks like I swear. LOL It was a clip the feed that I follow had shared forward.
Anyway not sure if you check instagram, but if you look up christinaahncheeta you will get many many pointers and even see how it looks to attach a pole in your house.
Hmmm, she looks super fit in the clip, so there is definitely a physical fitness aspect to this whole pole thing. Taking this bet would actually be you doing me a favor. And how many dates could I pick up with a skill like that eh??
Better get your wings ready so you can float indoors.
SH,
I will let you off from the waxing and poledancing because of your flyboarding experience. I need to check out what the heck that is on youtube.
I like your L too. It seems that your L is not one of those bull-dog D pushers and he sounds like he has your welfare at heart.
You are miles ahead of your W in terms of personal development and I can understand your state of IANILWY. Your W certainly doesn't sound very lovable right now.
But maybe because I was an almost WAW with a touch (or more?) of MLC and a good dose of depression thrown in, I have some compassion for WAW.
Remember my post about the different timelines in self- evolution? What are your thoughts about it?
No hurry, SH. Good that you are on an even keel. Sometimes the best action is none and to wait for the answer to reveal itself.
Now hold on. I am not saying I want to be let off the hook here. Well, from the pole anyway. I am still trying to find an angle for the waxing. But hey, face my fears right?
I am going to call my L agin tomorrow. I have stalled long enough. Over 2 weeks and no word and no info. Something is up and I just can't figure it out. What is the hold up?
I will need to review your post ago on the timelines. I do need to get some perspective and a different view. Right now I am so bogged down that I can't see forward past tomorrow.
I have plans, goals and dreams. I do not want life to pass me by while I am mired here in the muck just waiting for things to happen.
And yes, patience is not my virtue. I am sure that shows much in my story and interactions with folks here.
Omg. You need to stop being so freakingly up-to-date with your GAL activities. I am finding it hard to keep up!
My heart and my wallet do not thank you.
Well, I am going to slow it down a bit and try calmer, people meeting things. My small support group has scattered out some and I don't want to bug them anymore. Need to get to know some new folks an make new connections.
But be aware, that I am saving and planning on a tandem skydive in a couple of months as the weather around here cools down. Also plan on getting my motorcycle license and purchasing a bike. D18 plans on doing both of these things with me as well. Maybe we start a biker gang or something.
JksD, it is always a pleasure to hear from you. your spunk, humor and sincere support have really been a benefit and inspiration for me.
Thank you.
(((JksD)))
My dear Phoebe!
Always there for me and checking in. That I can count on these days.
it will be interesting to see how the IC works for d18 and myself. But I think we could use the support.
D18 has had a great week and I will share more later as it is late and I wanted to check in.
I am going to take a different approach moving forward here in the community.
I have been hiding from my own sitch I believe in the name of trying to support and help others. But it is so hard to see it all just repeat over and over again, and not really sure I am helping. Most seem to get it in due time as I read stories. Some just longer than others.
I feel like I am living a bad episode of the Twilight Zone or worse, Groundhogs day. Nothing I do helps anyone, nor myself. I just keep getting up each day, existing and going through a routine that seems to have little to no point.
I need to get myself together and implement some action and move forward.
I don't feel depressed nor anxious, but the agitation is swelling up and not always with a reason. I am really fighting back the feelings and it is starting to show.
I thought I was doing a good job keeping things down, and pausing to take good actions in spite of the raw feelings, but this weekend with my daughters, I would have to go to another room, because just dumb little things would just annoy me. I get so mad at myself, because there is no reason to be agitated. But I feel like I could just scream.
Not what I want to feel anymore.
Maybe a kickboxing class or something with contact. I have to let the steam out somehow.
Anyway, nuff about that as I feel I am getting worked up, and I need to go to sleep.
Busy week and then I get next week of and I will celebrate my first birthday in 20 years by my self.
Fun times. Real fun times
Thank you Phoebe again for be a constant for me. your support is true a blessing for me these days.
I think you are in a relatively good place regarding moving forward. What did the coach advise you ? Maybe you should use one of your sessions now if you feel stuck.
Hello SH_,
Happy Bday to D17! Sounds like your GAL with her has been super fun.
Really think about what Roist is saying. Feeling stuck and want to schedule a session with your DB Coach?
BTW- I have to agree that indoor skydiving is awesome
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Hi Cristy.
I may need to take up that offer. I am just not sure what help I can get from a coach at this point. There is no contact with WAW and I am not sure what I am seeking. I am feeling stuck. Just not sure what direction to head in. Ugh.
Thank you for checking in. And thank you for the bday wishes. She had a great time and seemed to enjoy the Bday fun we did.
SH, I am flattered you sought me out to give my opinion. Here are a few of my thoughts.
It is interesting you quoted MWD on the LRT and only quoted the first of the three possible outcomes.Nothing happens. From my observations here, I think that it is too early to state it has not had a positive effect on your W. You cannot know that and it really does take a long time to cause a shift.
I often use the frozen lake analogy to describe the DB process. DBing thaws the WAS from the inside out just like a frozen lake. The ice gets thinner and thinner but on the surface it remains unchanged and frozen. Do not assume anything but also don't sit there watching for it to melt.
I think you have done great. That bond between you and D17 has strengthened so much in this process even though ye seemed close before. That is priceless and may not have happened to the same extent if this crap had not happened.
You seem to have grown impatient recently.Why is that? Had you hoped all the great stuff on your side of the fence would have drawn W out of her fog by now? Are you realising that regardless what you do it may nit get her back? Those changes and great improvements are for you. You have embraced that. Your W has noticed your improved lifestyle.She has. But for now she is clouded by other stuff. That cloud could be there for years to come or could lift next week. Don't sit and wait.
I think having a WAW is in some ways harder to deal with than a WW. A WW will behave and do stuff that pushes the lbs to "had enough" stage faster. A WAW gives false hope because there is no one else involved. That hope holds many lbs back.
Over the last 20 months, I have come to a standstillmany times faced with a decision on how to proceed. Earlier on I put myself under unnecessary pressure to decide NOW about the future. However now when faced with the same type of crossroads, I acknowledge that it would be good to decide definitely now the best way forward, but it is not a necessity. Furthermore I can change my mind further down the road if I don't like my choice. This situation is stressful enough without imposing self imposed unnecessary stresses as well.
I think you are in a relatively good place regarding moving forward. What did the coach advise you ? Maybe you should use one of your sessions now if you feel stuck.
Best wishes. Hopefully something in what I said will help you. If you want my to clarify anything, let me know.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Great updates.I like your L.
I imagine that if W truly wanted to reconcile she would not be the person you doubt you want back! Just a thought.
I wanted to add something to my last post. Check out my last thread or look up caliguys thread. There is a tool about changing character traits and involves three lists.
1 list things you like about you
2 list things you dislike about you
3 list things that you find admirable in others or in an ideal you.
First list is to show you you already have many fine qualities. Then work towards replacing items from list 2 by items on list 3.
Some people here have found this exercise helpful in becoming the person they want to be, but also helps to get moving again. Let me know your thoughts on that.
Way to go on the latest fun activity. Love that why the hell not attitude.
roist, the pleasure is mine to have you share such wisdom and thoughts. I have placed your last 2 posts here so I could read them again and I will reply tomorrow.
I really need this now and I want to take full advantage to calm the storm that is boiling under the surface now.
I look forward to our chat for this.
Thank you my friend.
I will help if I can. I am busy this week but will check in from time to time. Best wishes
SH, I am right there with you one the simmering emotions. In fact I was just posting a little bit about that on my own journal lately. I went so long without having any appreciable amount of anger, and now something is changing. I think that I am just getting tired of the whole thing dragging on and on. I just want to get to the next stage of my life.
Maybe it's impatience, but It feels like i have this new and growing kernel of anger and it just pops out in unexpected places. I'm not generally an angry person, yet I feel myself getting annoyed and impatient sometimes and I can't pin down a real reason.
You mentioned the groundhog day syndrome and I am right there with you on that one, too. It's the reason that, early on, I decided to choose a small number of threads to follow here, because they are all so heartbreaking. I could get to know a few people without draining away what strength I gained here, and we could all move forward together. I'm so glad I found you, Sage Homme, and all the others that I have come to "know."
So my usual advice is: acknowledge the way you are feeling and let yourself feel it. Period. It worked for grief, so why not with these new feelings as we continue our journey forward? If the tsunami waves were normal, then so are these spikes of anger and annoyance. Recognize them, feel them, and let them pass on through. The only difference is that these spikes can damage other people along the way, so we need to consciously work to control the fallout. We need to consciously redirect the anger away from those we love and care about and recognize what is actually underlying the anger/annoyance.
For example, my being upset with my L-friend for the recent music wars while driving was really about me being reminded of the way my WH used to behave when I was driving us back and forth between our two homes over the last year he was here. I felt like I was a damn chauffeur - no conversation or touch. He'd just surf the internet on his phone and basically ignore me. I'd tell him that I wished he would talk to me to help me stay alert for the drive, and I'd be met with annoyance, like I was nagging, when I just was looking for attention. In hindsight this was all just part of his checking out.
Anyway, after the music argument with L-friend, I realized that I was not really mad at him, even though his sensitivity in sharing his opinions could use an upgrade. I was actually triggered by reminders of WH and taking it out on L-friend. Being stuck in a car with someone who was pushing my buttons repeatedly (if unknowingly) just brought back the feeling of rejection I had with WH when we drove together, and that, in turn, made me angry that I was feeling that way again.
Sorry for the rambling hijack/
Point being, SH - It's all normal. We just need to find a new set of management strategies because this set of emotions can harm the ones we love and depend on.
Keep on journaling, SH. It helps me so much. In fact, just writing on your thread has given me a cleared understanding of what I was feeling with L-friend and the battle of the bands.
((((((((((Sparrow Hawk))))))))))
Hey SH, just showing some support and offering prayers for you. Thank you so much for your feedback on my sitch, I really appreciate it; your words have brought me comfort when I needed it the most.
SH, I am flattered you sought me out to give my opinion. Here are a few of my thoughts.
It is interesting you quoted MWD on the LRT and only quoted the first of the three possible outcomes.Nothing happens. From my observations here, I think that it is too early to state it has not had a positive effect on your W. You cannot know that and it really does take a long time to cause a shift.
I think my focus on just the first thing, is because I believe that I found DB much to late. My sitch blew up and out so fast I barely had a chance to react. Thats not to say I did not have 20 years to react in a different manner, but to this day, no explanation, no talks, no nothing. No OM either.
I guess I just feel that nothing I am doing is noticed from a stand point other than she is angry about it all in her comments to my D's.
But, I get your point.
I often use the frozen lake analogy to describe the DB process. DBing thaws the WAS from the inside out just like a frozen lake. The ice gets thinner and thinner but on the surface it remains unchanged and frozen. Do not assume anything but also don't sit there watching for it to melt.
This is a good one and very true. I think my concern is I am not waiting for anything to thaw in her.
I am waiting to move on with life. I think this makes me feel bad. Why do I feel a sense of freedom from her, when I should be feeling loss?
My time since this all blew up has been short. There is no OM to make me feel better giving up. My D's need a mother, but she has not been that for them and so I do not feel it a loss.
Am I rewriting history myself and all I can see is the emotional prison that feel I was trapped in with her for so many years? After reading DB I see so many issues in our MR when I was lulled into thinking it was just normal married life.
This pulls at me in my thoughts.
I think you have done great. That bond between you and D17 has strengthened so much in this process even though ye seemed close before. That is priceless and may not have happened to the same extent if this crap had not happened.
Thank you. My daughters are my pride and joy and where I have felt true love. I know the love of a child is different than that of a S, but I wonder some days if I ever truly loved my W.
Why do I ponder this of late?
My bond with D18 has grown stronger through all of this I have no doubt.
I pray I can do that with d5 as well.
You seem to have grown impatient recently.Why is that? Had you hoped all the great stuff on your side of the fence would have drawn W out of her fog by now? Are you realising that regardless what you do it may nit get her back? Those changes and great improvements are for you. You have embraced that. Your W has noticed your improved lifestyle.She has. But for now she is clouded by other stuff. That cloud could be there for years to come or could lift next week. Don't sit and wait.
I am afraid my impatience may be quite the opposite of hope for her to come out of the fog.
The ILYBNILWY that I have for her is getting stronger each day and with every infrequent interaction I have with her. I feel like I want her to simply go away, because every little interaction she has with me is of such a silly and childish manner, that I just don't want the bother any longer.
Today for example, I texted her to confirm the time and plan to pick up d5 for a parent teacher conference this evening. I was to pick up d5 from STBXW classroom to go meet d5's teacher.
The response was, Its in the email I sent you last week.
My first feeling and reaction was to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of the response as my inquiry was more about the exchange of d5. The email she forwarded me last week was the school form letter of events and all. I was in an office and actually did start laughing.
I simply responded, Thank you. I will drop by your classroom to pick up D5 during the times for the conferences. Have a wonderful day. (smiley face)
A couple of hours later she texts me the wrong times. Then texts again some minutes later with an apology and the correct times and requested that I text her when I got to the school.
I find the whole thing funny and see her as I would see any other difficult person that I would have to interact with in life.
I saw her at the school and nothing. I felt nothing. Not worry. Not anger. Not love. I did feel a little pity as her classrooms AC was not working and she looked hot and uncomfortable. She actually struck up small talk with me to tell me of the issue. I smiled, wished her much that it could be fixed before the kids start school and bid her good night.
So my ramble here equals, I am feeling nothing for her good nor bad. I only want to have the thread that attaches us severed so I can move on with life. But I think there is guilt that gnaws at me for this feeling. Is this supposed to be happening after the emotional crisis I went through when it felt like losing her was shatter any hope of a happy future?
I think having a WAW is in some ways harder to deal with than a WW. A WW will behave and do stuff that pushes the lbs to "had enough" stage faster. A WAW gives false hope because there is no one else involved. That hope holds many lbs back.
Agreed. I find myself wishing that there was an OM so I could make sense of this and blame someone.
Maybe that is my issue. I don't blame her for leaving me. Or I blame her to much. Or I blame me.....to much. I don't know. Maybe I need to be able to lay the blame somewhere and feel confident in where so I can have closure.
Is it closure I want? I don't think it is reconciliation. Or is it?
I am not sure as the war over this rages in my mind and soul more than I would want it to.
Over the last 20 months, I have come to a stand still many times faced with a decision on how to proceed. Earlier on I put myself under unnecessary pressure to decide NOW about the future. However now when faced with the same type of crossroads, I acknowledge that it would be good to decide definitely now the best way forward, but it is not a necessity. Furthermore I can change my mind further down the road if I don't like my choice. This situation is stressful enough without imposing self imposed unnecessary stresses as well.
I believe that I am drawn to your wisdom and thoughts as you have walked this path for a long time. You have evolved. You have changed. That is what I desire to do myself.
The pressure you speak of is real. I know I do it. I have always done it and then I buckle when I can not seem to get it in order.
I fear that I pulled the final threads of my MR because of unneeded self imposed pressure and I stumbled and then buckled in front of her. She had enough. Did she add to that pressure? Or was it all me?
I am not sure. But I want to avoid that now.
But I have dreams and plans that have now had an anchor tossed onto them.
I must heed your advice.
I need balance.
I can still make progress.
I can do it with less pressure and more motivation.
I am seeking clarity for this.
I think you are in a relatively good place regarding moving forward. What did the coach advise you ? Maybe you should use one of your sessions now if you feel stuck.
Best wishes. Hopefully something in what I said will help you. If you want my to clarify anything, let me know.
Thank you. I feel grounded emotionally at the point. From the roller coaster that is. I still have work to ground myself with confidence and decisiveness for sound decisions and opportunities. But I do know that some heavy lifting to get my emotional state in place has paid off. Still some big challenges left, but I am at least stable for now.
I look forward to your thoughts to my responses.
Please take your time as I know you are busy this week. No hurry as I will also ponder what I have thrown up here.
Thank you my friend. You are a wise person. I see and sense that in your postings, feedback and efforts for your self.
Great updates.I like your L.
I imagine that if W truly wanted to reconcile she would not be the person you doubt you want back! Just a thought.
Interesting point.
If that happens, I hope I would give her a chance.
I wanted to add something to my last post. Check out my last thread or look up caliguys thread. There is a tool about changing character traits and involves three lists.
1 list things you like about you
2 list things you dislike about you
3 list things that you find admirable in others or in an ideal you.
First list is to show you you already have many fine qualities. Then work towards replacing items from list 2 by items on list 3.
Some people here have found this exercise helpful in becoming the person they want to be, but also helps to get moving again. Let me know your thoughts on that.
I like this and will review it and share back for accountability. I am looking to do this. I want to make changes, that stick, be a better version of me.
to go on the latest fun activity. Love that why the hell not attitude.
It has been fun. I am planning a real skydive and motorcycle int he coming months. I plan to punch some of my fears int he face.
I have been seeking and reviewing material about overcoming fears. I will share some of the Ted Talk I watched today. Very good info and plans for change indeed.
I will help if I can. I am busy this week but will check in from time to time. Best wishes
No hurry. I am taking tome to ponder and work on myself.
As you are able, I look forward you your wisdom and thoughts.
Hey SH, just showing some support and offering prayers for you. Thank you so much for your feedback on my sitch, I really appreciate it; your words have brought me comfort when I needed it the most.
Thanks melo for swinging by my place here. The drama has simmered down a bit, and now it's me focused on my inner demons and working to conquer them. I still have the drama of a D being finalized, but my limbo there continues as no word from my L in spite of my attempts to contact. Hope he is okay.
Chin up I say and slap a pencil above your top lip and smile big.
That is how I take one step at a time when I feel the urge to punch a rock. grrrr
SH. I am glad my thoughts helped you think about things.
I thank you for your detailed and honest reflections.It is only by being honest and facing that truth that we can advance. You are doing that. Keep going.
In your replies I notice some consistencies.
1. You seek to understand........ understand her, you, your situation,wwhy, what next, etc. Understanding does help most times and I share the desire to understand. However some things are beyond our understanding and cannot be explained logically and then placed nicely in an appropriately labelled storage box.
Plus whereas understanding does give insight, it is not always necessary to move forward. You have a situation. You decide how you deal with it and you move forward. Accepting things at face value can be enough to determine how to move forward. Over analysing holds us back.
2. It is often said here that D is just s piece of paper. It changes nothing in absolute terms. That works in both senses. Being divorced will not change that much for you. Because of your daughters ye will be obliged to have many interactions for years to come.
What do you want to do that you cannot do until you are divorced ? A part from dating, which I believe you are not ready for yet, there is nothing stopping you doing whatever you want to do now.
YOU are setting your own limitations.
3. LOVE. If I were you I would park this issue of love for now. You don't need to determine if you love her now, as it is irrelevant at the moment.You don't need to determine if you really loved her in the past. Firstly it is in the past and will always be there if you want to revisit this later.Secondly, our feelings change and are affected by our current emotions. Just like the WAS the way the LBS looks back on the R is also clouded. Dome see it with rose tinted glasses, others in shades of grey/black.
I got to go. I may come back with other thoughts but I looking forward to hearing about your "trait changing lists"
One last thought about feeling guilty for moving on so quickly. That is probably the best thing you could have done. It is a good thing. If W wants to reconcile, you can decide then what you will do. If it is too late, it is her loss.
I am pondering on my reply to your comments roist.
Much goodness and sincerity in your thoughts.
Much to think about and organize with the exercise you have provided.
Thank you my friend.
quick update.
I have received the d paperwork and a bitshocked at my lack of shock to seeing them.
In fact there was a small sense of....I am not sure the words, but anxiousness to be finished with this. I felt anxiousness like before doing something that will be good for me, but it is unknown what the future holds.
Almost a sense of excitement to a whole new world.
Is this right? I have put in efforts to get myself together, but the time has been short and I am ready to move forward without her.
Is it that with each brief interaction I see her devolving more and more into something the I am not only not attracted to, but seems to be cancerous to my well being and that of my future goals and dreams?
Am I a cold emotionless person that uses detachment to protect myself. Was I detached for many years in an unhealthy manner in an unhealthy relationship that forced her to decide she no longer was attracted to me and anger was her way out and then leave and D?
I look back and see many relationships with persons that I was close to fall off and I remember the hurt, but I had to learn to recover and move on.
Whether it was a close friend that moved away or we moved away from, a high school GF, a close friend that had a falling out with me, a college GF or even a couple of siblings that cut me off and to this day, I do not know why. Is it me that drives them off. Is it me that stays at a distance clinging to their friendship, but displays an emotional cautiousness that leads them away? Has this habit carried to this point in my MR?
I am pondering the words of wise roast to me here, and they have strong merit and much wisdom but my mind, heart and soul are in a struggle here over what I know, what I feel and what my mind has clouded my past history in recollection of it.
Why?
Hi, SH.
I am glad for you that the D ball is finally starting to roll. Limbo is a reasonable place to hang out for a little while, but it's nowhere anyone would want to hang out forever. I've been there so long I'm not even certain that major D progress eill change anything at all.
Sorry, SH. I'm falling asleep ahain
Hey SH, it may be impossible for us to fully understand it as we are deep in it. Im going through very similar emotions now too and like you trying to make sense of it. Maybe for now we dont have to? we just have to do whats best for us and our love ones and in time when we can reflect back.
mmmm dunno im just musing. Not really an advice.
Hi again, SH. I'm back and checking in on you!
When I was seeing my grief counselor, one of the things I talked to her about extensively was my struggle to understand what had happened. She just said to me, 'Phoebe, part of the grieving process for you may simply coming to accept that you may NEVER understand why your WH did any of this.' I think she's right. It is very, very likely that I won't ever understand fully what has happened or why, and I think that I can be OK with that.
I'm going to head to sleep, and I wish you a restful night, too!
((((((((((SH))))))))))
Hi SH, I agree with Phoebe. We may never understand what's happening or what happened. But we need to give ourselves closure.
I will never know when the x's A started- it could have been 4 years ago or it could have been after the D started rolling as he claimed. I will never know if he had ever loved me. I will never really understand what might have, could have been.
But I just need to keep on swimming.
I agree that I may never know about her reasons, for leaving or figure out answers that bring closure to the sitch.
I think my challenge is trying to understand my own emotions and or lack there of.
3 months ago I was an emotional wreck and wanted to fix everything with her.
Now, I can't muster up a single feeling other than annoyance at her occasional outburst or passive aggressive behavior. I can't see any possible future whatsoever where she could actually do enough for me to want to reconcile.
Detachment is the ever elusive action around here. Yet I think I flew past that to indifference. She rattled the hell out of me up to her moving out and just a couple of weeks after, then, well then I do not find any emotional feelings now except the occasional sense of pity for her. And that is not an emotion that I want. I want to forgive her, but not sure I can in this state of mind..........now I just babble on. Ugh. I guess the lack of feeling is better than the alternative hell I was in for a number of months, right?
It is me that I seek to understand. It is my own internal demons that I can't seem to make sense of.
Lack of feelings I'd say is way better.
Detachment has helped you see your worth, it's like taking off the rose tinted glasses and seeing her for what she is. And that person you know is not one that is good for you.
Be excited for the future, you truly deserve a happy life.
And I like phoebes councillor advice that maybe part of the process is accept that we may not ever know. Good advice I will use as the trying to part leads to more hurt and confusion
Cherry has the Wise on this one.
I think the primary lesson in DBing is learning about what we can control and how to let go of what we can't control. Once we manage that elusive tool then it can be applied across the board. It makes sense what you're feeling, SH, you have realized that you cannot accept the WAW back but rather someone who has made themselves a healthy, safe person. I think I am starting to get there. I am willing to take back my WH if he shows true remorse and most importantly, the desire to make himself a healthy man. But for now he is doing "more of the same" in a negative way so I am giving myself a temporary reprieve.
SH,
Don't be too hard on yourself. Forgiveness is for yourself.
When you're ready, you will. Forgiveness is a journey and the timeline is rather fluid.
Hi there, Sparrow Homme. I'm just doing a quick drive by because it's almost 3 am in my neck of the woods, and I really need to hit the hay.
It's time to cut yourself a whole lot of slack, my friend. You took a long walk through hel1, and you came out a bit damaged, as we all are, and then you kept walking and you came out feeling indifferent. What could possibly be wrong with that? It's how you feel, therefore it is completely normal. It may last, or it may not, but it is an emotionally safe state for right now, and that it a very good thing. Don't over-analyze things and turn it into yet another weapon to beat yourself up with.
It is what it is. It is a form of self-protection as far as I can see, and it will last until you are ready to process things further. Enjoy it for as long as it lasts. Maybe it will be permanent, but more likely it will come and go. Some days everything will roll off you like water off a duck's back, and other days.... well, not so much.
Enjoy the neutral days, weeks, or even months. I suspect that they too shall pass.
SH, as for the demons, sometimes I run from them. Sometimes I hide.
When I feel strong enuf, I face them and fight.
I choose my battles.
A hug for one of my fav dbers.
SH-
Your post hit home. To me and I am not an expert by far but have been going thru similar emotions, I think you flew to indifference
I have read about detachment detachment detachment but for me its hard to grasp. You can't spend 10+ years with osmeone or even less and just easily detach IMHO
You just get to a point of being tired of the emotional rollercoast and have found that its wasn't just you and it wasn't just her. It was both. And maybe just maybe that you put up with things that you should not. And to be fair...maybe she/he was putting up with things they didn't want to and that is why they left or started to leave .....whether its a PA or not.
I personally have gone thru alot of emtions and feel indifferent. I had to move and sat there last night in my new place with my dog crying for a bit. Saying what and how did this happen...but I know what happened. I felt some anger and resentment for being in this spot and knowing that its a joint effort that I got here and not just me.
You mentioned about "taking her back" and not sure if you could. I doubt you could UNDER the current state. It would have to be a journey and on your terms if that day did happen. I feel the same way...I think my STBX has started to wake up and I really "dont care" right now...I feel like you....kind of numb and indifferent.
Good Morning, SH. I'm taking a procrastination break from my fhouse-cleaning (which is, itself, me stalling on my financial paperwork nightmare!!!) to check in on you and wish you a good day.
I think that we all need to stop wondering if what we are feeling is good, bad, indifferent, normal, pathologic, or _________. (Fill in the blank)
It is what it is. We are where we're at, and we're all just struggling to make sense of where our life is headed. Looking backward and wondering how we got here just keeps dragging us back under the water. I have a friend that is struggling with this mightily right now. I wish I could help him see this, but I think that the realization that the present moment matters more than either the past or the future is one that must be arrived at on one's own. Meanwhile I just try to be a gentle reminder that the past is immutable.
Where oh where is my dear friend, Sparrow Hawk???
Missing his input... I need to start a new thread, but I'm feeling a bit numb/low/blah/annoyed these days and am having a hard time mustering up much ambition about anything right now. I think I want to just sit home alone for a week or two, but that's not good, either. Sigh.
Anyway, just checking in on you.
((((((((SH))))))))
SH,
Checking in on you. How are you? Dun be too busy with the the GAL (poledancing) activities to check in once in a while.
I am going to check out that instagram account that you mentioned but I think I will have to give the new pole at my new place a miss. Reality hit and I realised that I wouldn't be able to twirl wouldn't hitting the furniture.
Wassup homeslice? Just checking in with my positive thinking guru.
Hi SH, just wondering how your reflections were going and if IC helped. It is good to see you sharing your insights and learnings with others.
Best wishes
Just checking in again, SH.
Hoping no news is good news.
Oh, it's just me again, saying hello.
SH,
Well, it's competitive me again.
How are you?
I am throwing down the gauntlet. I have been busy with moves like the geisha, the show girl, and the kate Moss.
What have you been busy with?
Grl, you are hilarious. I'm trying to imagine SH doing the Geisha move.
Phoebe,
I am sure SH would have no prob with the geisha. It's actually a starter trick and very doable, provided his legs are hairless of course....
Hey there Sparrow Hoping!!
I'm checking in on you and not seeing any activity here. How can we chat if there's no one to chat with?
Where is the SH gauntlet challenge? Don't even see you in the land of gratitude, and that concerns me.
SH
Just came here because I had to tell you that you are a wonderful human being.
Thank you for being with us here.
And I have to chime in and agree with you, Ripe.
Alright now. I have been hiding long enough and now I am here to attempt to come out of hiding so to speak.
It has been a challenging month for me, in the sense that there is a battle raging inside me. My demons are doing a number on me and it is all I can do to muster up a good face for the outside and hold down the boiling of worries that plague me.
Basically I feel like I am walking around in a fake shell putting up a front so that everyone will believe that I am going fine and will move on with things.
My support group that I have had has dwindled down to,...... well,..... it's gone.
It was small to begin with, and now it is gone.
My close friend from work moved to Oregon for a a great opportunity.
My brother has faded in availability now that he has settled to his new home and job in Florida.
My parents have gotten through very challenging time with my mothers cancer, which she has beat down like a boss and has been diagnosed as officially cancer free. (my prayers were answered)
But the emotional toll has really changed them. My father is very negative when we speak, and my mother almost sounds as if she is sad that she survived the cancer. So I don't reach out as often and when I do, they are very hard to get a hold of.
My childhood friend has reached a critical point in his MR as it has now been almost 2 and half years since the BD for him and finding out he had a WW. So most conversations with him are about him and his desire to see that she is trying or he wants to walk away.
My IC says there really is nothing more he can do for me and kind of blew me off. He is working with my D18 and she has been pleased after a couple of sessions so that is good.
I have not had the heart to seek out another, as I don't know what else there is to talk about.
I want off the AD's, but doc wants to wait one more month until after D is done.
I won't go into that nonsense right now, but will say, I wish it would just hurry up and be done. The angry WAW comments are becoming a thorn in my side that just keeps pricking the hell out of me. But I do not react nor respond, so there is that.
But anyway, I have hit the realization that I have withdrawn, as is my pattern in life and I am finding comfort in simply being alone, by myself. Comfort being alone, but feeling lonely when with people. Not sure how to process this.
But, the alone time is when I start fighting in my head about my lack of progress in life.
Ugh!!! It is a vicious circle that I can not seem to shake.
I ramble now, and my purpose was to pop in and thank my tribe (as Vanilla would say) for the support they share with me. I am eternally grateful for each of you that stop in to check on me and for the kind words. It is the sincerest support that I have felt since the time of the BD for me.
I have come in many times to interact and then would get caught up reading others situations and go into mr fix it mode and try and lend my help.
I think I do that to avoid my own issues. Or maybe Bluwave is on to something as it relates the the Mr. Nice guy syndrome. I am not entirely sure.
But that has become draining of late as I see so much hurt and the more surprising thing is the bitterness that has come up. So much lashing out at those that have gone through this and are in better places and trying to help.
I just don't get it.
Folks that really don't have any obligation other than to pay it forward and the nastiness that is tossed at them simply because one does not like the style for which the advice is given.
I mean, do you yell at the doctor that tells you to stop smoking because you have cancer?? Or tells you to stop eating like shi7 because your cholesterol is way high.
WTF?!!?
I'm sorry, but stop whining and look in the mirror. It is not ALL your spouses problems that you are the LBS. When you get here you say "it is all my fault my s is leaving me." Folks point out that it is not, and that it is 50/50. Then you flip and blame the WS for everything............ and get upset when you are given advice to help you out. Why the heck do you come here looking for support, when in fact it seems like you just want pity.
And there I go again....ramble on.....
SH, just STFU!!
So, I am going to focus on thanking each of you for your support.
Phoebe. My dear Phoebe. My rock and my dearest friend and partner as we have been walking through hell. I know that a higher power placed you in my path and you have been instrumental in keeping me sane. I have been watching you (again that sounds creepy) through your thread and my heart and my head fight over what to say and share with you. You have come so far and have done so much to get through the nightmare. I will just say, I hope you can step back a bit and really look into the message of the person you should marry first. Do not become to dependent on temporary comfort or companionship to get through the pain. It can be like painkillers after surgery. They make you feel so good, but then you become addicted to something that is not good for you.
Slow down a bit.
Challenge yourself to take on some of the pain and chaos on your own.
This will prove that you can.
This will be the test to determine the level of healing you have achieved.
This is where you make big gains in strength and confidence.
Be cautious.
Get back to some basics of self love.
meditation, studying information that strengthens you, facing yourself.
You are a wonderful person.
Vanilla, I miss you and your wisdom. I know you have been dealing with some challenges of your own, and I send my prayers out to you everyday. I hope that you reach a peaceful place and I hope to converse again with you in the near future.
JksD.
You joined my tribe a bit later in the journey, but I just love your humor, cherish your wisdom and the GAL challenges are the best.
I will look into this geisha move. I will of course be stubborn and try it with the caveman hairy legs and see where that gets me. I have noticed that you are also in a down place of late and my prayers go out to you. I hope we can get back at the Gal challenges and sharing of wisdom soon. Be well until then.
Sara. Finally you have updated your name. It sounds very Super heroish and I love it.
You have also been a busy bee taking on so much. Your WH is very much a yoyo now and I pray every time I notice an update from you that he is snapping out of it with actions instead of words.
Stay the course. I have not seen a DBer in my time do so much with so little and still appear to be closer to successfully busting a D. I am here rooting my guts out for you.
Cherry, hang in there sister. You are one sassy mama and I know that you will come out on top. The WH of yours is simply an idiot I am sorry to say. I know you love him, but he is gonna have to learn the hard way. Keep that chin up and thank you for your support.
rich, you have popped in many times in my time here. I appreciate the ongoing support and words of encouragement when you are in the neighborhood.
Ripe. This really touched my heart when I read it.
SH
Just came here because I had to tell you that you are a wonderful human being.
Thank you for being with us here.
I had thought of you just recently as it had been awhile since you posted in your thread. How are you? I know the last we heard you were at a huge crossroad.
You and your family remain in my prayers and I hope that you find it a benefit to return when you are ready as your insightful knowledge and consistent seeking of beautiful and wise knowledge has always been a source of strength to me when I read it.
Be well my friend and I hope to converse with you soon.
roist.
I have
failed in my commitment to you after reaching out for your guidance.
Strike that, I have not failed, because I ave not given up, but I have been neglectful in my commitment.
I am at a crossroad that will require changes in approach and direction. I will look to you as your insight is of great value to me. I will be pulling the assignment you shared with me tonight and printing it so that I must face it until I complete it.
It is time to face the man in the mirror. It is time to solve my own riddles.
I can not truly help others, if I can not conquer my own demons and dark passengers.
As sandi2 mentioned in another thread, folks may start thinking I learned from her the art of the long post.
So I will close this one for the evening and return tomorrow with some updates and journaling from the past month.
Thank you all that have supported me and I look to try the community from a different angle.
One of positivity, support and self help.
This appears to be my support group at this time. I will lean here as I gather my strength and energy to create one IRL.
I saw this and think it is appropriate for me to focus on and use as my mantra for my battle.
"Your strongest muscle and worst enemy is your mind. Train it well."
Welcome back. Beneath all the .... ramblings and moans, I hear an undeniable envy to better yourself. That will shine through and help you do the necessary.
You have pointed out some stuff you question about yourself.The withdrawal. This is an inbuilt mechanism that you have surely enhanced and strengthened throughout your life. It is automatic. Realising it is not helping you is the first step to breaking this habit. But to override this programming will take consistent effort, but it can be done.
I would not be hard on yourself for wanting to help others here. By the way here you cannot be Mr Fixit, because everyone here came here for help and to grow. When you need to focus on you, you will. If you want to distract yourself then why not help others in doing so.
As for my suggestion, it is just that a suggestion.It is also something that will take time and effort. When you are ready, it will still be there. It is easy and unhelpful to procrastinate but so too is pressurising yourself to do something. When you are ready, I am confident you will do the necessary to succeed.
Lastly, maybe there is a divorce group in your area where you can find support until your own network is rebuilt.
But that has become draining of late as I see so much hurt and the more surprising thing is the bitterness that has come up. So much lashing out at those that have gone through this and are in better places and trying to help.
I just don't get it.
Folks that really don't have any obligation other than to pay it forward and the nastiness that is tossed at them simply because one does not like the style for which the advice is given.
I mean, do you yell at the doctor that tells you to stop smoking because you have cancer?? Or tells you to stop eating like shi7 because your cholesterol is way high.
WTF?!!?
I'm sorry, but stop whining and look in the mirror. It is not ALL your spouses problems that you are the LBS. When you get here you say "it is all my fault my s is leaving me." Folks point out that it is not, and that it is 50/50. Then you flip and blame the WS for everything............ and get upset when you are given advice to help you out. Why the heck do you come here looking for support, when in fact it seems like you just want pity.
And there I go again....ramble on.....
SH, just STFU!!
Hurt people hurt others, kind of like kicking the dog, even though he gives unconditional love.
Not the first or last time this has happened.
We all heal at our own pace and in our own ways.
LBS also goes through all the stages of grief and some will deny, some will bargain, some will avoid and some will cycle through all the stages.
It is all normal, congrats for seeing it above.
Great post!!
SH_,
I never would've guessed that you wrestled with so much inner turmoil. Your posts are typically insightful, eloquent, and cordial. When I go through rough patches, I tend to withdraw as well. However, I've never felt like my tendency to withdraw was detrimental to healing. I've always used my withdrawn periods for introspection as well as an opportunity to look at issues from different perspectives.
I'm scheduled for mediation next week, and although I've felt like I've been my usual self, I've noticed that my productivity, at home and at work, has dropped dramatically over the past week. My volume of work output has remained about the same, but my mistakes have markedly increased, thus my productivity is down. In the vernacular, I'm screwing up a lot. Time to withdraw and introspect...
But anyway, I have hit the realization that I have withdrawn, as is my pattern in life and I am finding comfort in simply being alone, by myself. Comfort being alone, but feeling lonely when with people. Not sure how to process this.
But, the alone time is when I start fighting in my head about my lack of progress in life.
Ugh!!! It is a vicious circle that I can not seem to shake.
Why would you say, that you are like that ?
I have come in many times to interact and then would get caught up reading others situations and go into mr fix it mode and try and lend my help.
I think I do that to avoid my own issues. Or maybe Bluwave is on to something as it relates the the Mr. Nice guy syndrome. I am not entirely sure.
OPS buddy....
Other People's Shidt..
It's a trap that is easily fallen into here.
Ever read a thread, and think "damn, that sounds just like my wife" , and then for some strange reason, we tend to expect it to happen to us. We go down that Rabbit Hole, and wait, hell, maybe even WORK to make it happen ....
Watch your expectations, be it expecting something good, or expecting something bad....
For me ?
It was when I got to be totally honest with myself, and what was going on around me, that I got a firm grip on that.
For the fixing aspect ?
Something I try to ask now, is...
Does this person want it fixed, or do they just want to vent...
Which leads me to....
But that has become draining of late as I see so much hurt and the more surprising thing is the bitterness that has come up. So much lashing out at those that have gone through this and are in better places and trying to help.
I just don't get it.
Folks that really don't have any obligation other than to pay it forward and the nastiness that is tossed at them simply because one does not like the style for which the advice is given.
I mean, do you yell at the doctor that tells you to stop smoking because you have cancer?? Or tells you to stop eating like shi7 because your cholesterol is way high.
WTF?!!?
I'm sorry, but stop whining and look in the mirror. It is not ALL your spouses problems that you are the LBS. When you get here you say "it is all my fault my s is leaving me." Folks point out that it is not, and that it is 50/50. Then you flip and blame the WS for everything............ and get upset when you are given advice to help you out. Why the heck do you come here looking for support, when in fact it seems like you just want pity.
And there I go again....ramble on.....
SH, just STFU!!
Yea.....I'm not understanding the dis-respect of late.
I'm not saying that any of us vets should be on a pedastol...
However....
We have been there, done that...held ourselves accountable for our actions...
We are where you ( not you per se) want to get to...
There MIGHT be some valuable information there.....
So maybe you shouldn't STFU on this one....
I'm pretty quick to call BS when I see it...
I am also pretty quick anymore, to wish luck and walk away from some guy who wants to roll around in the pity-party sandbox...
"Your strongest muscle and worst enemy is your mind. Train it well."
You are well on your way...
SH....YOU are the hero of your own story...
You get to write the rest of your book...
What do you want it to say ???
Batman is the hero of *my* story.
-PM
Ah...feeling lonely when with people. Interesting thought...
Perhaps an introvert? Where you like this when out together with WAW?
I ask becuz I am sometimes the same way. Out with others but not present. And sometimes prefer to be doing my own thing by myself. More now than when I was with my STBX She was the extrovert. I was the extravert/introvert...and is was tiring.
I am only guessing this is a phase of the healing process and I would also say just the mental volleyball and exhaustion you and others go thru with this entire process. And pile on top of that all the other challenges (ie mom's cancer) being thrown at you. There is only so much the brain and body can take at times before you go caveman and hide.
You will find the "thing" that snaps you back into place. I am guessing it will just take some time and unfortunately that is the great unknown. Taking a break from it all is not a bad thing. I stopped going to my IC for a bit as I just needed to stop talking about all of this. STOP!!! ah...that feels better
Take a break...breathe...and rest the mind!
Good evening.
roist,
All good points and in line with my forward focus and the abstract vision of my goals.
I do know that it is a defense mechanism for me to withdraw and look inward. I have done this for as long as I can recall.
Maybe it was all the moving around my family did when I was young and the challenges and trauma I would go through to work so hard to make a friend only to see them go. The harder I would work to find a new friend or two the more I had to adapt and try and fit in and it became exhausting trying to repeat the process so frequently.
I see the result now as I can engage and meet new folks with ease, but I am always the outsider coming to a new group and typically feel like the third wheel. After 20 years with my w, I never felt like I fit in with her family. I was the odd one out basically being the only spouse that was not from her hometown and having grown up with her family.
Anyway, point is I know you are correct and that it can be changed. I am trying to read and learn better habits for connecting socially. I do desire a close social connection where I feel a part of something more than the lost puppy scratching at the door to be let in.
The mr fix it thing. Also spot on. I know in my heart that I can not fix it for others. I believe my intent is not to do so, initially. But I get caught up when I perceive that I can see the answer clear as day and I just want them to as well. Again, it is the immature 5 year old mind that kicks in before I know it. People see the answer when they are ready and it almost never at the " convincing " from another.
This too, I am focused on working on. I am reading MWD other book Change your life and Everyone in it for a better mindset and approach for this.
I am working to strike the balance between the procrastination and pressure that I set myself up for. That is one of the battles that rage in me. One I will continue to be mindful of, as progress, even if slow, is still progress.
I just need to get out of the muck now. Time will not stop for me. And I want to enjoy every moment I have left. And action, is that which I desire to help me do so.
Thank you roist. Your thoughts are always wise and insightful. They help bring clarity to my vision, while helping me remain focused forward.
Cadet.
Always a pleasure when you drop by my pad here. I do know that you are correct in that each LBS must go through their cycle. And while many of the stages are of the same flavor. The intensity and pattern of the cycle will vary. I only hope that some level of respect is maintained when they are railing against the turmoil even if they cannot wrap their head around it.
Of late it just seems to me the intensity and frequency of disrespect had gone up. But I know that my time here in the neighborhood has been short all things relative, and so the full moon of insanity I am sure has risen many more times and the vets and long timers here have seen it all before.
I just have to do what I do as a parent with my children when they toss that tantrum.
Back away
Pay it no mind.
When the eyes of a sane person return, address it with them, hug it out and move forward.
I will enter a new post for my chat with Mach1, so as not to ramble on with this entry.
SH, i see that we have both decided to check back in a about the same time. I am very, very glad to see you here.
I am way behind, and I have to admit that I just rad your first long post and had to jump in to say hello. I will read the rest tomorrow and be back.
Tomorrow is shaping up to be a day that started very early for me and may run late, but I am definitely in good of some SH time.
I get exactly what you are saying to me, Sage Homme. I need some time out of myself to consider what exactly is going on with me. Carving that time out is proving to be difficult... and right now I need to be sleeping.
Good night.
((((((Sweet Human))))))
Thank you Mach1 for your comments, thoughts and advice.
It is nice to have someone that has gone through to the other side share.
You ask why I might feel withdrawing is my way.
This is a good question and one I debate with myself over frequently.
Some say I am introverted, but I have extroverted tendencies.
I feel more at peace and it requires less energy when I am alone and reading or engaged in activities of the mind.
I enjoy people, but typically I feel like an outsider. I prefer to listen and observe more than engage and participate.
Although I do get caught up over talking when a topic of interest may arise.
I am challenged in creating balance.
I over think and feel pressure to "perform" in the moment, where I feel more confident when I have time to process it all.
I mention in the previous post my childhood constant moving and that may be where I picked up bad rendancies.
I am aware of the challenge. I want to change it and seek out ways to do so.
OPS.
Now that is something I will remember.
I appreciate the way you put it here.
I know coming in I was desperate to find a sitch that was like mine. Maybe because I could find answers that way. Maybe so I did not feel alone in my struggle. Or maybe, I wanted to just prove to myself I was not crazy and completely at fault.
I don't know that I have found any just like my sitch. I have found similarities. But not the exact same.
Your point about reading in and then matching it to me or my sitch does have meaning to me.
I backed off on reading some material, because I started to take general info and make it match me and my sitch. I wanted answers and it could find them, or as you say, I would start acting in a manner so it would match.
So, if I u destined you correctly, a good approach is to back up a little. Look inward and clarify things inside without the " taint" of so many other ideas and suggestions. This can help me pin down more " truth" and clarity of what it is I am up against from within. Then I can better win the battle inside by working on what I know to be true and accurate.
Now this make sense.
Alright, maybe I won't STFU when I see disrespect as there really is no place for this regardless. But I will speak up in a calm manner and step back from the tantrum u till the cooler heads can prevail.
Thank you Mach1 for the vote of confidence and support.
I do have an idea what the hero will do next in this story.
I have a why, and now I must take action.
I know the strongest hero stories typically have the hero that must conquer oneself, before facing the foe.
I know in my heart, that this I must do.
There are some good people counting on me.
rich, yes the introvert in me is strong. I am aware. And I a working to accept it not as a curse, but as part of what I am, and then use it to my advantage.
Yes, I see that I was like this with WAW. Sometimes because I would prefer to be somewhere else. Other times because our conversations struggled as we really were galaxies apart on what constituted a grown up conversation. That is a point for another time.
I do hold onto hope that you are on point with something out there that will snap me back. I am still in a limbo stage of sort, with the d dragging out and my desire not to rush into a new relationship u till both feet are firmly planted on the ground.
Thank you again for your thoughts. It is good food for thought for me.
PM, Batman is a great choice and one that I would agree with. Because I like his bank account and butler, but right now, my hero seems more like the hulk.
A raging battle inside, green is my favorite color, and yet, the hulk is a compassionate good beast underneath the rage. No matter how much he smashes, he still wants to take care of those near and dear to him.
I appreciate the support and new "faces" as I try to return here for support, journaling and a place to start picking up some of my pieces .
"The first and best victory is to conquer self. To be conquered by self is, of all things, the most shameful and vile." ~Plato
There is no try. Do or not do.
There is no try. Do or not do.
Touché my friend, touché .
Lovely SH. I had no idea that you were struggling so much with your own inner daemons. And I feel almost guilty for all the time and energy you've put into helping me. At the same time, I am eternally greatful, you give me homework to do which gets me thinking about what I need to do to help myself; and you reach out to comfort me so I know that I'm not alone.
You're a truly amazing guy. And I know you will get there, you have so much to offer.
Cadet.
Always a pleasure when you drop by my pad here. I do know that you are correct in that each LBS must go through their cycle. And while many of the stages are of the same flavor. The intensity and pattern of the cycle will vary. I only hope that some level of respect is maintained when they are railing against the turmoil even if they cannot wrap their head around it.
Of late it just seems to me the intensity and frequency of disrespect had gone up. But I know that my time here in the neighborhood has been short all things relative, and so the full moon of insanity I am sure has risen many more times and the vets and long timers here have seen it all before.
I just have to do what I do as a parent with my children when they toss that tantrum.
Back away
Pay it no mind.
When the eyes of a sane person return, address it with them, hug it out and move forward.
Of course if it upsets you it is best to step away.
And yes we see LBS's that are indeed in their own crisis,
enough to make you wonder if it is not flipped around and they
in fact are the reasons that the WAS leaves.
I am a firm believer that one crisis kicks off the other spouses crisis.
I know I went through some very rough times after my unwanted
divorce.
Rooms spinning around and cholesterol shooting up to crazy high levels.
Stress and depression can turn you body upside down.
That is why we must take care of ourselves first!
Thank you Mach1 for your comments, thoughts and advice.
It is nice to have someone that has gone through to the other side share.
You ask why I might feel withdrawing is my way.
This is a good question and one I debate with myself over frequently.
Some say I am introverted, but I have extroverted tendencies.
I feel more at peace and it requires less energy when I am alone and reading or engaged in activities of the mind.
I enjoy people, but typically I feel like an outsider. I prefer to listen and observe more than engage and participate.
Although I do get caught up over talking when a topic of interest may arise.
I am challenged in creating balance.
I over think and feel pressure to "perform" in the moment, where I feel more confident when I have time to process it all.
I mention in the previous post my childhood constant moving and that may be where I picked up bad rendancies.
I am aware of the challenge. I want to change it and seek out ways to do so.
So you have determined that we have met ?
I'm thinkin that we are pretty similar in that regard...downright scary similar in fact...
I recharge from the inside out, I NEED, not want, quiet time with myself.
Trouble is,at times, I also crave the "noise"...
Maybe look at validation ....( I know what worked for me)
What areas do you NEED validation, WANT validation, CRAVE validation...
HOW do you validate, and how do you
feel validated
???
OPS.
Now that is something I will remember.
I appreciate the way you put it here.
I know coming in I was desperate to find a sitch that was like mine. Maybe because I could find answers that way. Maybe so I did not feel alone in my struggle. Or maybe, I wanted to just prove to myself I was not crazy and completely at fault.
I don't know that I have found any just like my sitch. I have found similarities. But not the exact same.
Your point about reading in and then matching it to me or my sitch does have meaning to me.
I backed off on reading some material, because I started to take general info and make it match me and my sitch. I wanted answers and it could find them, or as you say, I would start acting in a manner so it would match.
So, if I u destined you correctly, a good approach is to back up a little. Look inward and clarify things inside without the " taint" of so many other ideas and suggestions. This can help me pin down more " truth" and clarity of what it is I am up against from within. Then I can better win the battle inside by working on what I know to be true and accurate.
Now this make sense.
It's like an out of body experience...
Find the vision of who you are, and are working toward becoming, and let that guide you...
Being brutally honest with yourself will help you see past OPS. You will inventory what baggage is yours, and what isn't yours...
It will also help you detach from the other crazy in your life. Let her carry her own luggage, while you carry your own.....
Be honest with yourself about your goals, and HOW you are trying to achieve them...
And try NOT to borrow trouble from the future...
Especially if it isn't yours....
Alright, maybe I won't STFU when I see disrespect as there really is no place for this regardless. But I will speak up in a calm manner and step back from the tantrum u till the cooler heads can prevail.
You do what is right for you.
I will always fight for the integrity of these boards...
Because of what they did for me...
I've been here for almost 9 years. Not because I needed to be...
Because I don't feel that I can ever repay enough back to them...
Thank you Mach1 for the vote of confidence and support.
I do have an idea what the hero will do next in this story.
I have a why, and now I must take action.
I know the strongest hero stories typically have the hero that must conquer oneself, before facing the foe.
I know in my heart, that this I must do.
There are some good people counting on me.
Including yourself....please don't forget that...
"The first and best victory is to conquer self. To be conquered by self is, of all things, the most shameful and vile." ~Plato
Quote guy huh ?
How about.....
God gives you exactly the problems that you need, in order to fix yourself....That work ?
Batman is the hero of *my* story.
-PM
As he should be....
: )
SH:
Sorry to hear about your support network scattering. It is a shame. I know you are already looking at it as a way of assembling a new transition team. I know you are awesome and engaging people so it won't be long until a new circle is around you.
On my own personal journey I prayed that I could show compassion to others. People were put in my life recently for that reason. I practice listening, empathizing and offering support. It has meant as much for me as for them.
The isolation is killer, we know. Perhaps this is an opportunity to promote one of your second level of supporters to primary?
SH...
I was just reading through the thread that Cadet has on MWD's page, on a large Social Media site....
Have you ever read anything there ?
I would say that you would get quite a bit out of it...
Some good info there.
Oh...you like lines ?
Read between them...
I am so glad to see you posting in your thread. You are an amazing and compassionate man. I wish your W could see your worth but it really is her loss, not yours. You are going to win no matter what because you are making a better you. I wish I had the magic words to help you past this rut but sometimes we just have to go through stuff to get through it.
Good evening.
I return to give thanks to each of you that have dropped by my pad.
Cherry,
Please do not feel guilty for anything. I gain as much if not more from the opportunity to reach out and lend support and ideas for you to get through the challenges. You are one strong lady and mama bear and you will come out on top. Thank you for your kind thoughts and support in return.
Sara.
Your vote of confidence gives me strength. You have been one of the most amazing examples of taking the DB bull by the horns and wrestling him like a true champ. I pray for you and your family each day and am rooting for you with all my heart. Keep at it. You are truly winning the day and will conquer the challenge.
bigybiz, thank you for your upbeat can do it attitude. It shines through every time I read you. Your prayerful consideration for so many here is a huge resource both for you and each of us.
Unfortunately I did not gather much in the way of second level support. I'm gonna need to strike out from scratch, but maybe that is what is meant for me. Folks that can see me for who I am now and accept me and be there on my continued journey of progress.
Cadet, I agree wholeheartedly. First priority is to take care of oneself first.
Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
How much sweeter the human interactions on this planet would be, if everyone applied this rule as a priority in life.
Mach1
So you have determined that we have met ?
I'm thinkin that we are pretty similar in that regard...downright scary similar in fact...
I recharge from the inside out, I NEED, not want, quiet time with myself.
Trouble is,at times, I also crave the "noise"...
Maybe look at validation ....( I know what worked for me)
What areas do you NEED validation, WANT validation, CRAVE validation...
HOW do you validate, and how do you feel validated
???
Need. Not want. Quiet time.
Now that is stating what I have so unsuccessfully tried to explain to the STBX for years.
Now it simply feels like a curse.
In my mind I see myself in social settings and it is exciting. I crave the thought of doing it. I am even pumped up until the point of actually doing it. Then as soon as I step into the setting, BAM!, then the energy in me feels like it is sucked clean out of me and then I feel uncomfortable. Then it is only a matter of time before I feel the need to step away and I feel drained.
But, if it is a small setting with just a couple of people. I do fine. But afterwards I do need some alone time to recharge.
I am seeking out knowledge and reasons for this and the first good news, is it is not a curse and it is more common than I would have thought.
So now to break a lifetime of poor habits and an opportunity to create some new ones.
Maybe...just maybe I can enhance my " social conditioning", same as I have with my physical conditioning over the past couple of years.
Mach, would you explain a bit what you mean when you ask what I think my need for validation is? I think I understand the question, but I maybe overthinking it.
It's like an out of body experience...
Find the vision of who you are, and are working toward becoming, and let that guide you...
Being brutally honest with yourself will help you see past OPS. You will inventory what baggage is yours, and what isn't yours...
It will also help you detach from the other crazy in your life. Let her carry her own luggage, while you carry your own.....
Be honest with yourself about your goals, and HOW you are trying to achieve them...
And try NOT to borrow trouble from the future...
Especially if it isn't yours....
Yes. I agree completely with this point.
Focused on me and my goals.
Sorting out the why of it all, for me.
I am getting better at leaving the future be and blocking out the thoughts of trouble that it only may contain.
I choose not to pay the price for any trouble but one time.
If and when it happens.
You do what is right for you.
I will always fight for the integrity of these boards...
Because of what they did for me...
I've been here for almost 9 years. Not because I needed to be...
Because I don't feel that I can ever repay enough back to them...
This is of sound and pure intent.
I like the thought of following suit.
For now, I have much more to learn and endure, and I will look to pay it forward in relationship to my progress and experience.
Including yourself....please don't forget that...
Point well taken.
Quote guy huh ?
How about.....
God gives you exactly the problems that you need, in order to fix yourself....
That work ?
Yup. Quotes are my way of trying to feed my brain the new programming it needs to understand and believe the new story that is being written.
And yes, God is giving me exactly what is needed to fix myself and be prepared for that which is still to come.
Another quote that I am implementing is,
"Not praying for it to be easy. But pray to have the strength to get through it."
I will check the social site.
I do like lines.
And will be sure to read between.
Well, I better be signing off as I have a big day tomorrow as I have a princess that will be celebrated and she will be getting the royal treatment of the best 6th birthday the little lady could ever have.
It will be a great day.
Hello, Sweet Homme. I am very sorry that it's taken me this long to read through your latest posts, though I did pop by a couple days ago to say hello. Maybe you missed me? As you know, my GAL has perhaps taken
over my life, and I'm trying to find a better balance.
I have taken your advice for the last two days, though, and I have stayed home in my land of healing and peace, my farm that I love so much. It's been so nice to just get some things together here and not spend 2 hours every day driving. I'm commuting for most of my GAL activities! It's one of the downsides to rural life, but I wouldn't trade it. I'll commute gladly if it means I can live here.
I can completely relate to your introvert tendencies, and yet also to your ability and need to interact with others. I used to be so incredibly shy that I struggled to communicate in more than single words for most of the time I was in school. I never once asked a single question in class during my entire educational career, and that was over 21 years, from K through years 8 of college, and a lot of continuing educations since! It was only in my senior year of high school that I started to overcome my inhibitions a bit better. I am really good with other people one on one and I very much enjoy meeting and talking to new people. I can even now enjoy very small groups of people. My discomfort and feeling out-of-sorts grows directly proportional to the number of people present. Parties are a complete fail for me. A dinner get-together with 6 people last weekend was actually quite good (I only knew 3 of them at first), though I also relished my time alone afterward. Part of it is that I have a very quiet voice, and if there is a lot of background noise, I really struggle to be heard, and I just kind of shut down, instead. If someone asks me to talk louder, I just want to shut up, not speak up.
Anyway, I saw this on a t-shirt yesterday, and I thought it felt a lot like me, and I think you can relate as well.
"Introverts Unite!
We're Here, We're Uncomfortable And We Want To Go Home."Despite my shyness, even as a kid i was always at my most comfortable while meeting total strangers. On the other hand, I was, and still am, always
least comfortable talking to someone I know only slightly, so I really struggled in high school because I knew most people, and only slightly. I'm good with clients, however, and very much enjoy interacting with good pet people. I have to work hard to get through the awkward stage to get to friendship, though. It'a s big commitment for me to make a new friend.
I think that we all have a lot of baggage from our childhood experiences that influence us strongly, even as adults. Your history of moving a lot certainly would change the way you invest in and interact with new people. I can see how it would make you feel as if it might not be in your best interest to invest heavily in a casual friendship because you learned that friendships were temporary.
I am very sorry to hear that there has been any lack of respect on these forums. I haven't seen it myself, but I tend to stick to my few regular friends here because I get so easily overwhelmed with the pain that the true newcomers are going through.
I do believe that we should call people on it when their behavior or words are disrespectful, both here and in the outside world, but especially here. This is supposed to be a place of refuge and support. The last thing any new LBS here needs is to feel worse about the choices they are making. We've all been there, and we all know that the harshest critic we all fight is ourselves. We've all made mistakes, and we've all done things that are anti-DB principles. We're all learning and trying to survive, and anyone that feels a need to hurt, or be disrespectful of, other people here is violating the trust in other people that everyone here needs to reestabish.
It is absolutely true, though, that you can't tell people what to do. What may be glaringly obvious to an objective outsider is often invisible to a person who is living through the situation and just not ready to see or hear what is being said. They absolutely have to come to their won conclusions and decide that they need to help themselves.
I have someone close to me that suffers from depression. I can think of so many things that I wish he could do to help himself, but until he is ready to reach out for the help he needs, there really isn't much I can do besides just be there and listen. It's very hard. It's part of the detachment lesson that we are all learning. You can care about someone, and you can wish them all the best, but you can't do the work for them and you can't let them drag you down with them. You have to find a balance.
SH, I am working very hard on myself, and please know that I am not looking to another person to mask my pain or fill the void in my life, and certainly not to save me. I look to myself for all of those things. L-friend and I have an interesting way of interacting, and I can talk to him in a way that I haven't been able to talk to many others, except here on this forum. I am learning a lot from and with him about how to communicate effectively, something that I wasn't able to do with WH.
I'm not looking for happily ever after with this person. I am just letting things unfold without any expectation beyond being kind and supportive of each other. I am constantly monitoring to maintain a healthy, yet caring level of detachment. In fact, he is the person I know who struggles with depression. It is hard to watch, but I am not in any way forming a codependent relationship with him. I read my meditations on codependency daily, just in case, so I can recognize and nip in the bud any burgeoning tendencies I may be showing, and catch him when he shows any towards me. He will need to sink or swim on his own, just as I do, and he gets as many 2x4s as I give you.
I am very glad to see you here and that you are getting some of the support you still need. I am still here for you , too, and am very grateful that you continue to be here for me, as well.
((((((((((Super Hero and Sweet Human))))))))))
Uh Oh, SH. Time for a new thread! I just wanted to say hello this evening and let you know I'm thinking of you and wishing you well.
Me again, wishing you a good day.
Ditto as phoebe.. Just sending a little love your way
They just used the Defibrillator on Cadet...
I'm thinkin new thread time, before its too late...
New threads usually equal new growth...
Maybe that is where you are...
They just used the Defibrillator on Cadet...
I'm thinkin new thread time, before its too late...
New threads usually equal new growth...
Maybe that is where you are...
HAHAHA!!
Cadet got caught sleeping on the job here.
To many late night parties for the old chap I bet.
Yes, new thread and definitely new growth.
I will respond to ya'll that I have not yet, in my new ride.
Next chapter in the story