Will the last 7 days have seen a lot of changes, W broke down 7 days ago admitting she had made a massive mistake and wanted to reconcile our M, of course this is what I want. However how to walk this path is difficult and advice and guidance would be welcome!
W has agree NC with OM and has provide me with access to phone, communications etc and has been willing to discuss details about why, how, where when etc. She has also spoke about MC
My head is spinning, I'm numb, building trust is difficult! I don't want this to take over my life, now how much to talk about it and when is difficult!!
First off. Well done for getting this far. You have done well.
I have never pieced nor worked with my W to rebuild our M, so anything I say is based purely on stuff I read and my observations here.
Reconciliation is apparently v tough esp on lbs. Because up until then the lbs has kept his inner emotions, feelings and thoughts out of the mix. The lbs has focused their motivation on saving the M and the first stage in that continues until the other person comes back to the table and wants in.
A general guideline used is that piecing should last roughly one month for every year married/together. So this is a slow process too and I think that is best. Go too fast and you may not fully work through everything and if issues are not solved, they can come back to haunt you.
Do not let WW back in the blink of an eye. There aremany good reasons including, she knows her coming back is not automatic and you get yo decide the timeframe, not her. Also it gives you time to confirm her intention is real and not just a fluctuating emotion. Her actions need to show you consistently and without doubt she wants back. And also you need time to prepare your conditions and to prepare yourself mentally.Until now you have shield your emotions. Both of ye will have issues that need to be addressed together.
Some advise to tackle hers first as she was the one that left. I think that makes sense up to a certain point. The more she is convinced it can be a better M, the more likely she is going to stick the tough times.
Buy the lbs has been so hurt since BD, that often resentment, anger and other negative emotions naturally rise to the surface. These will have to be dealt with but firstly they need to be controlled enough to not sabotage yet efforts. I am far from saying to ignore your feelings/needs, but wanted to share my perspective.
What has happened cannot or should not be swept under the carpet and I feel the emphasis is on WAS to demonstrate real remorse and effort to right this. This does not deminish the task you face personally.
One thing to avoid is to go in with an attitude of RIGHT and WRONG.
Also don't exclusively focus on issues/problems. Work towards building s better M and not fixing a broken one.
Best wishes
Thanks Roist, feels like a minefield, my emotions are so shut down, it like thing are normal but clearly thing are far from normal.
I don't want to dwell of what happen, but why it happen and how do we stop it happening in the future!
I agree with Roist's advice. No doubt, your emotions may be screaming, "Yes, this is what you want". I urge you to not get in any hurry to take her back. If she really wants back with you, she will do what you want. If she wants to save the M, she will agree to your terms. Please note, she is not to set the conditions about her coming back, b/c that is your job. She betrayed you, so she needs to come back into the M under your stipulations. For example, NC of any type with OM; complete transparency (phone messages, etc.) and she is not to decide when you check, nor should she be forewarned when you will check; attend MC with a therapist trained in healing from an affair; and there will be no separate sleeping arrangements. You can add other things, but these are very important. There needs to be a plan and professional guidance. You can't jump back into things and expect a better outcome if you don't have guidance and a plan.
I think she is feeling a little reality hitting her. She may be seeing where she had it much better at home with you. And, I'm sure she misses her home. The OM could hanve shunned her, once she left you, and she's feeling the sting. I encourage you to observe her attitude. If she is showing some anger toward you, then don't let her back. If she wants in-house separation, absolutely tell her no way. If she wants separate bedrooms, no way. She doesn't have to be under your roof to work on the R. Don't be in a hurry, and don't let her talk you into putting everything in the past and moving forward (that is what WW's want to do). As the LBH, you are going to experience several stages after she goes back home.
I agree with Roist's advice. No doubt, your emotions may be screaming, "Yes, this is what you want". I urge you to not get in any hurry to take her back. If she really wants back with you, she will do what you want. If she wants to save the M, she will agree to your terms. Please note, she is not to set the conditions about her coming back, b/c that is your job. She betrayed you, so she needs to come back into the M under your stipulations. For example, NC of any type with OM; complete transparency (phone messages, etc.) and she is not to decide when you check, nor should she be forewarned when you will check; attend MC with a therapist trained in healing from an affair; and there will be no separate sleeping arrangements. You can add other things, but these are very important. There needs to be a plan and professional guidance. You can't jump back into things and expect a better outcome if you don't have guidance and a plan.
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She has agreed to all these thing and is being very transparent about everything I ask.
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I think she is feeling a little reality hitting her. She may be seeing where she had it much better at home with you. And, I'm sure she misses her home. The OM could hanve shunned her, once she left you, and she's feeling the sting. I encourage you to observe her attitude. If she is showing some anger toward you, then don't let her back. If she wants in-house separation, absolutely tell her no way. If she wants separate bedrooms, no way. She doesn't have to be under your roof to work on the R. Don't be in a hurry, and don't let her talk you into putting everything in the past and moving forward (that is what WW's want to do). As the LBH, you are going to experience several stages after she goes back home.
There has been no anger towards me, the only emotion she seem to give off or talk about is shame and talk about how she cant believe she has done something so alien to her morales and values! She was angered and disgusted when I friend had an affair years ago!
"There has been no anger towards me, the only emotion she seem to give off or talk about is shame and talk about how she cant believe she has done something so alien to her morales and values! She was angered and disgusted when I friend had an affair years ago!"
WW has a friend at preschool. A couple years ago she told me the H was having an affair with a woman he saw at work, W found out, he refused to stop. Teenage D confronted him in public and was livid. WW was sickened and told her to divorce him. Another friend of WW told her to do what she could to keep the family together.
FF to today. WW has had an affair and hasn't had any remorse yet. The friend who told her to try for her family hasn't said anything to WW, and has even run to WW when I texted her "good luck on your new job." This is a person I respected as a friend of WW, a decent Christian woman who cherished family to a fault. Just not my family I guess.
Point being: They throw their morals out the window for temporary "happiness." I'm glad yours has seen the light. If you want to proceed, you have to put your feelings in a box and can't really let them out too much re the pain you've felt.
"There has been no anger towards me, the only emotion she seem to give off or talk about is shame and talk about how she cant believe she has done something so alien to her morales and values! She was angered and disgusted when I friend had an affair years ago!"
WW has a friend at preschool. A couple years ago she told me the H was having an affair with a woman he saw at work, W found out, he refused to stop. Teenage D confronted him in public and was livid. WW was sickened and told her to divorce him. Another friend of WW told her to do what she could to keep the family together.
FF to today. WW has had an affair and hasn't had any remorse yet. The friend who told her to try for her family hasn't said anything to WW, and has even run to WW when I texted her "good luck on your new job." This is a person I respected as a friend of WW, a decent Christian woman who cherished family to a fault. Just not my family I guess.
Point being: They throw their morals out the window for temporary "happiness." I'm glad yours has seen the light. If you want to proceed, you have to put your feelings in a box and can't really let them out too much re the pain you've felt.
W has even stated as much, she lost her way and left her values and morales behind. She is very down about who she has become.
"W has even stated as much, she lost her way and left her values and morales behind. She is very down about who she has become."
This is a great start. You can't let her wallow in that for too long, but it seems like a great start for showing you remorse and allowing trust to build. To me, having the person admit they have made an immoral choice is half the battle. It sounds like you're in a pretty good place.
Blueboy, if you haven't done it yet, you may want to read Lim's thread, he has been piecing for awhile, and his most recent thread goes into concerns about letting his W back to soon.
you can also read through my stich a little, but my situation was much different than yours, but I do go through the emotional rollercoaster that everyone is referring to. and I'll tell you what, once your WW wants you back, you will get Angry, Madder than heck when you think about what they did, and for the first time you will really wonder if you want them back. Be prepared, the roller coaster is going back around for another run.
Thanks Coconut, I will drop by and have a look!
I just don't how to feel, or what to think, one minute all feels normal, next I feel sad, alone, angry, nearly every emotion under the Sun.
I want to forgive, but worry about giving forgiveness to quick or to slow.
Sometimes I want to give up...
Hey Blueboy, i've come to realise that it doesn't matter what my STBXWW has done. If you really love her then you will forgive one day, don't worry about that now.
I think the real forgiveness is for your part in all of this. I dont know where you are at doing that tho. I've learnt that I was broken when i came into my R and 10 years later, i was still broken. I am now learning to forgive myself for being broken and I know that once that happens, i could move forward in any R with my head held high!
I will not take my STBXWW back though. I must show her the consequences of her actions. Divine intervention led me to this place and I know that D is the only option that I have. I will save myself, save her and my S from a M built on sand. Who knows, one day we could rebuild on better ground, but I don't like her, probably never did...
But that's me :-)
Thanks DDJ
I think to make it work, you have to forgive yourself and your spouse, breakdown the why rather than focus on what happened. I want to build solid foundation for the future not, not one built on sand as you say!
Question for people, does it matter who arrange the MC, I would like my W to as I feel that show commitment, is this right or wrong?
Since no-ones answering... I think it does matter. If love is action, then the WAS must be doing all of the hard work to try and make things work.
You should just pitch up. And always follow your gut. Not the anxious one - lol
Thanks Coconut, I will drop by and have a look!
I just don't how to feel, or what to think, one minute all feels normal, next I feel sad, alone, angry, nearly every emotion under the Sun.
I want to forgive, but worry about giving forgiveness to quick or to slow.
Sometimes I want to give up...
Hi Blueboy
Sorry for the situation you find yourself in but I'm glad your WW appears to be coming out of the fog. As Coconut mentioned, I've been working on piecing my M back together since my WW began being remorseful in early April after I filed for D.
The ONLY reason I was willing to let my W back was because I saw true, heartfelt remorse. You know it when you see it. If you have to question if its real or not, then it isn't.
My W has continued to be remorseful and is doing things she needs to be doing. I have access to all her text messages and email as well as phone records, location and finances. And she knows all this. She closed her FB account and severed all ties with not only OM but also all the athletes, some of them really good friends, that are members of OM's training group (my W is a triathlete and he runs a training group out of his home). She also read books on "how to help your spouse heal from your affair." Twice.
So she is doing everything she needs to be doing for the most part. I feel there is still a hint of fog hanging over her head but I think that is probably normal. Even Sandi on the forum says it took her 2 years after she stopped being wayward before she fully accepted her role in her choices and the impact it had on her husband.
I guess my feeling now is that I made it too easy for my W to come back. I almost feel like I should have made her sweat it for a little while with the D. Pretty much, I took that right off the table once I saw the remorse. But if I had left it on the table, even for just a few days, I feel like it would have really made her see how badly her actions had damaged our lives and that she would appreciate me even more now. I don't know if its fair or right for me to think this way. I just think I would feel more confident about things if I made it so that she had to FIGHT to get me back in the same way I had to FIGHT to keep her. There are SOOOOOOOO many things I could have done differently but didn't because I was following the DB process. There are things I could have done that would have made me feel MUCH better in the moment but could have ultimately damaged any chance of reconciliation. But I didn't do those things because I was fighting for us when she wasn't willing to. I fought for us by choosing NOT to do the easy thing while my W was. I would feel much more confident about things now if I had seen her FIGHT for me. I think you want to see this.
I believe with all my heart that my W loves me, is thankful and appreciate for me standing for our M when she wasn't and is doing everything in her power to repair the damage she did. But it would make me feel much better to have seen her fight for me too.
There is no fight from her, because she does not want to fight. I'm literally sitting opposite my WW typing this. She's in her own world and I am now in my own.
We're two different people - yet the exact same - on the other end of the same boat. My problem with DB is that you must focus on yourself whilst trying to save your M. I couldn't make it work. Couldn't wrap my head around it.
So i had to make a choice - me or my M. If she really wants it, then you will see her fight for it. but right now... She's just not that into you :-)
also, do you want someone that could become romantically attracted to you again, learn to respect you, could care again, and could choose to love you? This is the DB process and you are either committed or not.
I believe that the moment when you feel you've had enough, and just want to give up, is the best place to be - cos thats when you have nothing to lose. Either which way you choose.
Question for people, does it matter who arrange the MC, I would like my W to as I feel that show commitment, is this right or wrong?
If you are the one choosing, you need to find one that specializes in healing from an affair.
I think the worst would be for your W to find a female counselor who is sympathetic to W having an A. You know, the type that tells you to do whatever makes you happy.
Just saw search history from when W was moved in with OM on iPhone, basically look at sexy underwearand sex toys!
Made my blood boil, this is in the past and before we got back together, should I address or just leave it, make me feel sick however it's make little difference as they had sex which she has told me, but just hurts like hell!
Can't see how raising it will help us moved forward in the healing process!
It won't. It is in the past. Leave it alone.
JimKao is right.
Details from an incident that you are already aware of do not need to be dredged up.
Acknowledge your feelings and emotions and proceed with what you know is the the correct principles for who you are.
I know, it's just painful, but to reconcile I need to moved forward, she is remorseful and is ashamed by her own behaviour!
Each day is a challenge, but at least I have a chance to work on my M.
Thanks SH, very true words!
I know, it's just painful, but to reconcile I need to moved forward, she is remorseful and is ashamed by her own behaviour!
Each day is a challenge, but at least I have a chance to work on my M.
Great attitude. Two things: 1: When I blew up at WW the other day, I asked if she were remorseful about 4 different ways. The closest I got to "will you forgive me" is you have every right to be upset, and I'm sorry for how things turned out. Nearly worthless statements. Fog still strong.
2: If and when I ever get the chance to piece my marriage back together, one thing that would kill any chance is if she goes into details of what she did. I know enough. Adultery is the worst thing you can do against a person and family. If she is genuinely remorseful, knows how much she hurt you and the family, and is asking forgiveness, you have to respect that if you want to move forward. One of the reasons, so far, WW is scared to do anything towards coming back is the fear that every argument would end with me getting livid and using A as a weapon. Looking backwards won't help, it will only hurt you both.
Keep going!! If you love her and want to rebuild your marriage, you can do it!
When reconciliation is being considered, I would tell the H to look for an essential ingredient in his WW...............which is humility.
Pride can be a terrible thing, and it can cause a WW to cling to a haughty attitude with her H. If she feels remorse, then I believe you would be able to see outward signs of humility. Without her humility, reconciliation is extremely difficult. In fact, I don't see how it could be completely successful. The pride and lack of humility will cause a WW to hang on to those old resentments and continue to blame the H for her unhappiness........and pretty much everything else.
When reconciliation is being considered, I would tell the H to look for an essential ingredient in his WW...............which is humility.
Pride can be a terrible thing, and it can cause a WW to cling to a haughty attitude with her H. If she feels remorse, then I believe you would be able to see outward signs of humility. Without her humility, reconciliation is extremely difficult. In fact, I don't see how it could be completely successful. The pride and lack of humility will cause a WW to hang on to those old resentments and continue to blame the H for her unhappiness........and pretty much everything else.
She is displaying humility, she has a very low opinion of herself and her actions that have brought her to this point, she talk openly about having lost herself, belief and values and takes full responsibility for her actions!
She seems low and sad, which is hard for me to watch, she is open to talk about everything at anytime, and has asked me to not bottle thing up, to talk when I need too!
This weekend was positive we sent quality time together, did some nice things! The hardest part is to try and not discuss what happens all the time as it seems to drag us both back into a dark place! I know we need to talk but I'm not sure how to make it work for us to heal! Any ideas would be good to how and when to deal with things!
We had a conversation about sex, we both have concerns, mine being from being insecure, and her about me resenting her and not wanting her due her being in her word tarnished's! Not sure how to deal with this in away that makes it a positive rather than a negative!
In the bed this morning, looking at W and thinking how can someone I love so much and is so beautiful, hurt me so much!
Life is so difficult at the moment trying to move forward, W trying to both be positive, W said she feels so positive and good this morning, and want me to be positive too, I told her I'm fragile, need to time!
Scares me that my negative pushes her away and make me too needy!
I'm finding it hard to live in the day, rather then thinking about, next week, next month or 3 years time!
Normally is something people take for granted, to crave it is strange!
We are doing ok, thing are ok, there are dark places and times! Deciding how and when to discuss what happened is difficult, finding a good MC who is pro marriage is provide difficult and is something we need to help us as a couple and as individuals!
I am reframing the fear of investing time into something that may not work, by realising that there are no guarantees in any relationship or anything in life!
Trust is an issue, as ultimately you can't watch someone 24/7, it there is a will there will always be a way, you have to allow someone the choice to hurt you again, which is scary in its self!
Blueboy. I want to let you know that I've been keeping my word and praying for you daily. I will continue to do so.
Thanks Biggbiz, I also keep all the DB forum members in my prayers!
My faith has become more important to me, and a help!
Blue boy, piecing is tough, and the emotions you and W are going through are tough to deal with, but it sounds like you both are working through them. I sometimes feel hypocritical giving advice, because I bounce off the walls with my emotions, and have a tough time working through things without going to extremes, but just I don't do it doesn't mean I don't understand what I should do.
Anyway, as for your W being concerned you see her as tarnished, I can understand her concern there, she left your M, broke her vows and was with OM. But do you feel like the fact she was with OM is a deal breaker, or is it more likely the fear she would do it again is the deal breaker? If you were to end it, would you only look to date virgins because anyone else would be tarnished because they were had been with OM, there aren't many virgins out there.
If you can get passed the A, and start a new R with a woman has been with OM (have you been with other woman in the past?) and the fear is of her doing it again, let her know that. Let her know that it's a new R, that when you both had gotten together the first time you both had been with OP, and that's how you see it now. Tell her that what you need is to know that she has boundaries that she will live by, that she will communicate with you and tell you when something is missing in her life, that you see a future with her where you have a great R, and not one that you will through the past in her face and ruin the future.
Are you two getting MC, if not, I strongly suggest it, it provides a safe place to work through M issues, and makes sure you both are working with the same playbook.
It's a bumpy ride, take time of you need to process your feelings, let her know you need that time and put a timeframe on it so it's not open ended and she knows what to expect. Enjoy the present when you can, not every minute needs to be spent fixing things, sometimes you just need to live in the now that you have. Live, laugh, enjoy having her there, even if it's platonic at the minute.
Anyway, as for your W being concerned you see her as tarnished, I can understand her concern there, she left your M, broke her vows and was with OM. But do you feel like the fact she was with OM is a deal breaker, or is it more likely the fear she would do it again is the deal breaker? If you were to end it, would you only look to date virgins because anyone else would be tarnished because they were had been with OM, there aren't many virgins out there.
If you can get passed the A, and start a new R with a woman has been with OM (have you been with other woman in the past?) and the fear is of her doing it again, let her know that. Let her know that it's a new R, that when you both had gotten together the first time you both had been with OP, and that's how you see it now. Tell her that what you need is to know that she has boundaries that she will live by, that she will communicate with you and tell you when something is missing in her life, that you see a future with her where you have a great R, and not one that you will through the past in her face and ruin the future.
Hi Coconut, you have hit the nail on the head, my issue isnt the fact she is tarnished, yes it hurts but I can get over it! It more the fear of her doing it again, I will to work and put it behind us!
Great post really help my prospective!
Well, thing seem to be progressing Ok, W is being very open about her feeling and what has happen and the why she has acted.
She has stated she is will to do anything it take to sort out our R in a positive manner and is willing to do or discuss anything that makes me feel uneasy or not trust her, she continues to be transparent about where she going and what she does, and give me access to anything I need at any time!
I'm still finding it tough to deal with what she has done, the mind movies and the lies.
She actions seem to reflect her words, I suppose I just want to make sure I'm taking the right steps to improve things!
I still feel anger, but do not allow this out when we discuss things etc, am I missing anything!
Blue boy, there is so much to piecing, just know the roller coaster ride continues, apply the 24 hour rule, wait that long before taking any major actions or making big proclamations.
It does start to get easier, you will start having more good days than bad, it takes time though.
I would suggest reading my thread, there is lots of good advice laid out, you could start at the following link or even go back a little further from there.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2681388&page=1
Thanks Coconut, I've read you thread and Lim's a lot as your both a little further on than me. It's useful to have a insight to how other people cope with things.
How much time do you spend discussing your sitcom with your W, I'm trying to be careful to not let it take over life!
We don't have R talks too often now, once or maybe twice a week at most. What I suggest is to make sure you two discuss "ground rules", some things I find useful are:
- set at least one day, time a week for a set discussion, limit to about 1 hour
- do not have R discussions on days that you plan fun days (make sure W knows it's a safe day)
- agree that when either of you get upset or angry you'll take a break
- if something small is bothering you, and you need to let it out, discuss only that thing, don't wander to other issues you think of.
- when something bothers you, try and figure out big picture issue, don't complain about every little thing that bothers you. I.E., if she doesn't let you know where she is, don't complain about that one time, instead let her know that while rebuilding trust it helps you to know where she is, and you would appreciate her giving you updates so you don't constantly wonder or have to ask.
When you just need time to process things and rest your brain, let her know. Tell her you'd like to take a day, weekend, week, whatever, to just live in the moment, to try and be natural with each other, chatting, laughing, whatever just happens when spending time with each other. I find it helpful to put a time frame and make her aware.
One of my biggest problems is I'm a very tactile person, like to hold hands, cuddle, kiss etc!
Since we have been working on our R, I feel I'm become even worse and may be overpower W with it!
How do I get a balance?
Things seem to going well, W appear to be commuted to repairing and building a better M, with both action and words!
I find myself moving from positive, this is what I want to, to negative i.e I can't do this!
As for moving back and forth from this is what I want, then going to I don't want this... Remember, these are feelings and they change, so don't act immediately, give it time... I would sometimes would go to the place of not wanting this for a week at a time, the path forward is not a straight line. When your feeling that way, it may be a good time to take a few days and just live in the now (again let her know).
As for the physical touch, if you feel like your always initiating, two things may happen. one is that you worry your smothering her, and second you may resent her for not initiating. Physical touch is my love language, and I felt both of those things. I brought it up in one of our scheduled R talks, I told her it would make me feel wonderful If she would initiate PT at times, and also tell me "too much" when I would overdue it.. She started initiating and hasn't said too much yet.
Are the two of you attending counseling for healing after an affair? If not, you need to find a therapist who specializes in this ^^^^^. Do not leave it up to you and W to work out together. You need guidance while piecing.
As I wrote on Coconut's thread, when you enter into piecing, you have to adjust or eliminate some of the actions you might have done when she was wayward. You gradually increase time together, and you have a lot of family fun. Focus on those times together as positive times and doing things enjoyable.
When piecing, you don't want to be unavailable all the time. It's okay to initiate contact. It's fine to engage in a conversation. See what I mean? The main thing is to not smother her.
"Watching her", being with her too much, being clingy, and wanting to be touchy......seem to represent your need for assurance. However, these very things could be a real turn off for her. It depends on how she use to be about those things, and how bad wayward she became. For me, it was all I could do to breathe the same air as my H.......so those things would not have been a good thing at my house. Remember, she's going through a process, too.
I suggest you slowly begin the touches with non-sexual ones. Your hand slightly touching her arm as you reach around her or pass her in close quarters. Your hand laid on the top of her shoulder or your arm laid casually on one shoulder. Then you work up to touching the small of her back when she's going through a door in front of you, or getting in a car, those type of things. Another one is touching her elbow, and/or on her arm. Don't make a big deal out of it, just do what you would normally do these. When she seems comfortable with these non-sexual touches, then gradually start with just a little more personal type touching. The face is extremely personal, and touching her hair, hands, and legs. Don't do these all in one day or even a week. Read her body language and see if she tenses or quickly moves as if not paying it any attention.
Once you are sure she is fine with these touches......then you can probably get more intimate, if she seems open to it.
I think sex is like sealing the deal, for the LBH. Just don't rush it.
Hi Sandi
Thanks for that, that's has helped a lot, we are struggling to find a MC who specialises is dealing with A is our area of the UK, as I don't just want anyone!
Any today I just want to give up, nothing W has do or not done!
Just can I get over the thinking of what they did together, I don't want the feel of looking at my W legs, mouth or body to remind me of him touching her!
Make me feel anger, sad, sick......!
I want my marriage but need these feelings to go!
blueboy, it's only been two or three weeks since you started piecing, it will get easier. Feel those emotions, process them, take the time you need to do that. You may decide it's not what you want, that you can't do it, but don't make that decision from an emotional place, wait until you are happy with yourself and decide what you want your future to look like.
In the meantime, work on accepting what has occurred, ask the questions you need to (or don't if you don't need to), really process it and try and put it in the past. Don't let yesterday's pain ruin todays possibilities..
It is hard, but it does get easier.
Ok, so I wrote the above then I went back and re-read the start of your sitch to refresh my memory. Let me ask you something, you say that you had inappropriate contact with someone else early in your M. I'm assuming your W found out, that you two worked through it, and both you and your W became happy in the M again. Keep in mind that your W forgave you for your indiscretion, she moved past it and found happiness with you again, can you or will you do the same?
I'm not saying what you did in the past justifies what she did, I'm only pointing out that you two were able to work through it and be happy again, and hopefully you two can do the same again (if it's what you want).
Still working on it, slowly but surely, things are improving, we are very open about everything, transparent!
Trying to live a normal life as well without talking about it all the time, W is very willing to talk and explain, her reason about what happened.
Taking one day at a time!
Good luck to you, blueboy! Remember that you're exactly where you hoped you'd be when you first started to DB. There was never a realistic possibility it would get here without "here" being very hard at this stage, and, honestly, if it wasn't really hard right now, I'd be worried that you were just burying feelings that would have to come to the surface eventually, possibly with dire consequences.
I and I'm sure many many others here who'd give body parts to be where you are are pulling for your and your W!
Mmmm, 7 weeks since the W asked to come home, I'm finding everyday hard, wondering if this is something I want or can do.
I have so many things on my mind, that I have difficulty with!
1) Her motivation for coming back, she says it because she realised, she was still loved me, but is this the truth or just a realisation that the grass isn't greener on the other side, kids, money wise, material things!
2) Trust, I have no really trust in her at the moment, nothing that's she has said or done, how should I move forward, should I still be checking up which she know I do. She has told me she will never do anything to break my trust again and I have nothing to worry about!
3) I find me wanting her to be more tactile, she hold/ my hand when we go out, cuddle up in bed, tell me she love me. I find myself wondering if this is real or fake!
4) She has said a few positive thing about OM and his family, I find this hard to take.
5) She talks about the future, I find myself thinking so what!!!
6) I find myself obsessing about the whole thing, it has taken over my life, and find myself thinking how can I be happy and just want to fast forward life a couple of years!!!
I think what you are emotionally experiencing is common for the betrayed spouse. The anger, the triggers, replaying images in your brain, the fear of it happening again, etc. IMHO, I believe the betrayed H goes through a period where he is vulnerable to being a WAH, due to him not having the ability to get past this boulder in the road to healing.
Have you read threads posted in the Piecing section?
You need to attend IC, to help you deal with the devastating affects the A has had on you personally.
4) She has said a few positive thing about OM and his family, I find this hard to take.
One thing that I've had to suck up is that as far as my WW is concerned OM is a great guy. She may still think that even if she comes back. Fortunately I've not bad-mouthed him in front of her because I expect that would have hardened her to me.
Funny blue boy.... I am in a similar state though you are a bit further along. I feel the same things you mention in the bullets above and really do not know how to deal with it. The trust issue and wondering if things are real or fake in particular. I've given you no advise because I can't but completely understand where you are coming from.
There isn't an A in my sitch, but I can relate to your #1 and #3.
Is H reconnected to me emotionally? Does he love me? Or is he acting as if because he made a choice that staying is the Right Thing To Do?
I basically decided that it doesn't matter. I mean, it does matter, but I shouldn't let the answer change my behavior.
In a long term relationship, I have to accept that there will be rough patches. Times where people are acting out of principle more than passion.
My job is to be responsible for my emotional health and happiness, and to be the best spouse I can be.
Dwelling on anything else is unproductive.
Just my two cents. Worth what you paid for them. ;-)
I appreciate what Rose posted, b/c she said some things that described me when I first made my decision to end my A and stay in my M.
Is H reconnected to me emotionally? Does he love me? Or is he acting as if because he made a choice that staying is the Right Thing To Do?
I was not in a good place emotionally when I finally made the decision to stay in my M. I had come to the board as a woman who was in an A, depressed, confused, and
very resentful toward my H. I had been getting excellent advice from the board members. At that time, we could email to members, so there were a couple of ladies who helped me tremendously.
I actually made my decision based on it being the "right thing to do". I could not trust my feelings to guide, that was for sure. I had a love for my H that was similar to what I felt toward an uncle. There was no attraction and no respect.
1) Her motivation for coming back, she says it because she realised, she was still loved me, but is this the truth or just a realisation that the grass isn't greener on the other side, kids, money wise, material things!
Even a WW knows her H's ego is fragile. What she told you may, or may not be,
exactly what her desires (loving feelings) are right now. However, feelings will follow the actions, so give her time to get there. Realization that the grass isn't greener on the other side is something you should want her to see. B/c it means her fantasy world is collapsing. Sure, she might return b/c of financial reasons.....there's always a good chance that she will, but if she's sincere and if she's remorseful about the hurt she has caused for her loved ones, then all these things collectively work for the betterment of the MR.
Listen, you are very normal for wanting your W to come back into the M for all the right reasons. The reality is that a WW doesn't bounce out of love with one man....into love with another man.....then bounce out of love with OM....and back in love to the original man without it affecting her. Her feelings and mindset are pretty scrambled, and if she's the real deal....it is going to take time and a lot of work for her to get back to the woman she once was.
My question to you is......what did she have to do in order to come back home? Did she apologize? Was she broken and humbled by her infidelity and remorseful for what her actions had done to her family? Did you give her any conditions to coming back into the M? Did she come back just to be home.....or was she wanting to be your W again? If you don't know, then you need to be finding out!!
2) Trust, I have no really trust in her at the moment, nothing that's she has said or done, how should I move forward, should I still be checking up which she know I do. She has told me she will never do anything to break my trust again and I have nothing to worry about!
I tell LBH's all the time, you can't trust a W who has just started the process of coming out of her wayward mindset and reconciling the MR. That is why a transparent plan is so important. It is to help her as much as it is to verify that her actions line up with her words. My H had no clue about transparency, but since I had been the spouse who was on the DB board, I had learned about it. So, I volunteered transparency. It helped me, knowing he was following my computer activity. People tend to do the right thing when they are being observed. Until the WW has gone through the withdrawals of her addictive A.....she needs to be held accountable in some sort of way. Also, the H should check when the W has no idea he is checking. Not every day, but once in awhile.
3) I find me wanting her to be more tactile, she hold/ my hand when we go out, cuddle up in bed, tell me she love me. I find myself wondering if this is real or fake!
You are really wanting reassurance that she genuinely loves you and is truthful with you.
I think age; and how long the couple has been M; and how long the resentment & disrespect reigned in her heart....differentiates the time span of how quickly she is able to authentically do the things stated in #3.
I believe the heart/attitude of a wayward is not the same as some woman who left for other reasons. And, b/c her waywardness begins in her heart and mindset....that's the last to change, IMHO. I know it must be so excruciating for the LBS to hear that their WS has returned, but their feelings aren't in tune yet. It may take several months, even a couple of years before she her feelings are straighten out. It just depends on the individual person.
I want to encourage you to remind yourself that it is not "you" (If you have properly improved yourself as a man). It is
her. I believe it is very important for the couple to have expert guidance in the piecing process. Each spouse is going through separate issues in this ordeal, and most are not equipped to know what to do.
4) She has said a few positive thing about OM and his family, I find this hard to take.
You have to communicate to your W that hearing about the OM, his family, or anything connected to him.....is very painful for you. If it is a trigger, then tell her.
What your W may not understand is if you turn around and ask a question about OM and their A. To her, she's confused about what you want to know and what you don't. So, make sure you aren't expecting her to just know these things. You have to tell her.
5) She talks about the future, I find myself thinking so what!!!
Not sure what you mean here.
6) I find myself obsessing about the whole thing, it has taken over my life, and find myself thinking how can I be happy and just want to fast forward life a couple of years!!!
That is another reason for piecing being such a fragile time. Please, get professional counseling. Your M may not make it if you don't get help.
Did she come back just to be home.....or was she wanting to be your W again? If you don't know, then you need to be finding out!!
She ring me 30 time that day, and came looking for me at my dad's house, she went everywhere looking for me, when she found me she was in a state and was crying, told me she had made the biggest mistake of her life and wanted to fix our marriage.
I made conditions of NC with OM in any shape of from and made her message him to say it was over, no use of social media i.e. Facebook. NC with Friend who is have affair with OM friend. Complete access to her phone and any over password, she offered to let me track her location.
I tell LBH's all the time, you can't trust a W who has just started the process of coming out of her wayward mindset and reconciling the MR. That is why a transparent plan is so important. It is to help her as much as it is to verify that her actions line up with her words. My H had no clue about transparency, but since I had been the spouse who was on the DB board, I had learned about it. So, I volunteered transparency. It helped me, knowing he was following my computer activity. People tend to do the right thing when they are being observed. Until the WW has gone through the withdrawals of her addictive A.....she needs to be held accountable in some sort of way. Also, the H should check when the W has no idea he is checking. Not every day, but once in awhile.
She happy for me to look at her phone etc anytime, it never use to leave her side now she rare use it.
You are really wanting reassurance that she genuinely loves you and is truthful with you.
I think age; and how long the couple has been M; and how long the resentment & disrespect reigned in her heart....differentiates the time span of how quickly she is able to authentically do the things stated in
She ask to put her head on my chest when we sleep, says it make her feel secure, we have sex but she says she lack confidence because she feel tainted and not very good about herself.
I believe the heart/attitude of a wayward is not the same as some woman who left for other reasons. And, b/c her waywardness begins in her heart and mindset....that's the last to change, IMHO. I know it must be so excruciating for the LBS to hear that their WS has returned, but their feelings aren't in tune yet. It may take several months, even a couple of years before she her feelings are straighten out. It just depends on the individual person.
She says she is ashamed of herself, her actions and how she has hurt me and her family, she is very keen on attending church
I
You have to communicate to your W that hearing about the OM, his family, or anything connected to him.....is very painful for you. If it is a trigger, then tell her.
We missed a family wedding due to her affair and she said it was good we missed it, but then said the reason we missed it was dreadful, felt like say will we missed it because you were have sex with OM, but keep quite.
She talks about the future, I find myself thinking so what!!!
Not sure what you mean here. [/quote]
She talks about the future, i.e renewing vows, booking holiday etc, I just think so what talk is cheap
[/quote]
That is another reason for piecing being such a fragile time. Please, get professional counseling. Your M may not make it if you don't get help. [/quote]
I agree we need it and we need to sort it.
My question to you is......what did she have to do in order to come back home? Did she apologize? Was she broken and humbled by her infidelity and remorseful for what her actions had done to her family? Did you give her any conditions to coming back into the M? Did she come back just to be home.....or was she wanting to be your W again? If you don't know, then you need to be finding out!!
Should also mention that she apologise and say sorry, when I not even mentioned anything, she does seem remorseful.
She say's she want me to think of her as an amazing person again and will do anything to rebuild my trust.
Blueboy:
I want to let you know that I have been praying for you everyday. I will continue to do so as you build a new relationship.
Thanks, I continue to pray for myself, my marriage and all the other people on here who face problems in their marriage.
I was very encouraged when I read your thread and to find you and your W are building a new relationship. Envy is a sin - so I will say I'm thankful that you two are where you are and it give me hope that one day W and I will be able to start again.
Continued prayers
Should also mention that she apologise and say sorry, when I not even mentioned anything, she does seem remorseful.
She say's she want me to think of her as an amazing person again and will do anything to rebuild my trust.
The words don't get much better than that! If she just carry through with her actions.
W stated today that she had made a fool out of herself and me yesterday!
We had another honest chat how and why it happened, W very tearfully and begged for me not to leave her.
I just so f@@ked at the moment, I love my W and want to be M, but not sure I can get over it and deal with the feelings!
Really struggling to cope with my emotions, regarding trust, forgiveness, endless mind movies!
W is being very understanding, asking me to talk and what can she do to help. i.e. Do I have any question, thing she could do better etc!
We have move area to a new house, it lovely and hopefully a new start!
I just feel overcome we worry about her doing it again!
More has came out over the last few days, turn out OM with number 3, she meet OM2 for lunch but he back out when realising W was M, gave OM1 at blowjob, but he back out when his W called him at hotel as they lay on bed!
The news has blown my, mind me think I can't get over this and should D!
Some many lies, not sure what I want anymore!
More has came out over the last few days, turn out OM with number 3, she meet OM2 for lunch but he back out when realising W was M, gave OM1 at blowjob, but he back out when his W called him at hotel as they lay on bed!
Wait...........what?
How many OM has she had?
Did you know how many affairs?
The full story has came out after I stupidly found away to access delete phone messages!
After my A 7 years ago, wife lost 7 stone over two years and is a stunning looking lady, she has alway been over weight all her life! This new image and confidence made her want to go out a lot with friends! She got lots of attention, after my A we felt with it ourselves, over time she decide without talking to me that I didn't really love her, or wanted her and felt rejected! That's my reason for being in M was children and I didn't really want her!
Of the group of friend she went out with one is know for having A's and they were all flirty, she got talking to OM1, she want to feel desired, wanted and to have attention! She has never slept with anyone else' either! So after talking to OM1 they decided to met and have sex. They meet at hotel and got on the bed, started to kiss, he's wife start to call him and he got cold feet and left! W was gutted as this was in her eyes being rejected again! So then pursed him, pictures, sex texting, and meeting him, which included BJ outside bar whist drunk! Final he told her he want to work iomn his M and stopped it, but keep in touch we off txt's! W felt totally rejected again.
OM2 was met afterwards, arranged for a meeting for lunch, but realised W was married and pull out, more rejection!
So W now feels rejected by me, OM1 and OM2, in a very dark place, along come OM3, a 59 old, single, ugly, short, with no money! Mets wife a bar, become FB Friends, by this point is desperate to be wanted! He's feels he has hit the jackpot,amazing looking women half his age, own business, fantastic life style, nice house, cars (He doesn't know the money is mine)! He declares undying love for W, sells her the dream, how he's coming to treat her like a queen, sold her loads of fantasy! Told her to leave me or he's wouldn't carry on, fearing more rejection she did what he wanted!
We she left see swore that she hadn't cheated on me sexually and had only had a EA, I know know this was crap!
W then realised she was still in love with me and had made a massive mistake and that really all he really wanted was sex!
She came back to me broken, and we agreed to reconcile, however I only know about OM3!!! Not OM1 or OM2
The new information has blown my mind, I no longer know what I want i.e stay married or D, I'm staying at the moment as the kids have been upset enough in the last 6 months!
I not sure I'm in love with her anymore other than share history, I have never thought of her as a bad person before, just a good person who made a mistake!
However I now see it as 2 x PA and 1 x EA, therefore not a mistake but I dicison that she was determined to cheat on me, can I really forgive that!
More has came out over the last few days, turn out OM with number 3, she meet OM2 for lunch but he back out when realising W was M, gave OM1 at blowjob, but he back out when his W called him at hotel as they lay on bed!
Wait...........what?
How many OM has she had?
Did you know how many affairs?
Turn out 2 PA one with full intercourse and one only touching and blowjob in public.
1 EA
No I only know about one, we have been in reconciliation for 10 weeks, found out about the second PA and EA this weekend!
Not sure if this back up the evidence that W has had some sort of mental health issue as this behaviour is so at odds with her values and morals and the past 21 years I have know her!
I just shock to the core about the blowjob in public!!!
I realised I still very much love and I'm in love with my wife, what to remain in my m, but the pain, negative thoughts are destroying the fabric of my very soul.
I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown, I'm on anti-D tablets, I can't sleep, it's taking over my life!
Any advise that would help me would be good!
Often WW dribble out the full truth over time. Maybe not wanting to verbalize/admit full extent of their behaviour or maybe to not hurt the lbs. The lbs is hurt regardless. Yes it is tough.
It can be debated whether having 3 limited A or one full on 50 shades of grey hardcore love A is worse. The best way to look back on it is that your W was not herself for a certain period of time and she did stuff you are having a hard time dealing with.
You said yourself it was really out of character. Can you think of this as a temporary phase that is finished. What happened during that time is hurtful but is behind ye. Nothing will justify her choices and it is probable that it could haunt her more than you. Also can you imagine how bad she must have felt to have gone down that path. Again I do not condone her actions, but want you to think about it.
Your W seems to be on board to work on M. That is super. You want that too. Together ye can have a better R/M, but the healing will be hard and take time.
Best wishes
bluboy, I feel for you buddy. I can't imagine how devastating it was to see the texts you saw and learn that your W had not been completely truthful. If you have truly decided that you want to be with your W, then that is what you need to focus on, because everything else will drive you nuts.
Let me ask you this. Why did you feel the need to figure out how to retrieve deleted texts? Do you snoop often, and if so, why? What is the real reason that you felt like you needed to check?
So you found out she wasn't completely truthful, I would say that is a bit of an issue, because you want to have a happy / healthy MR going forward, and secrets is not the way to make that happen. I would sit down with W and let her know that she needs to be completely open and honest with any other secrets, that you finding out spaced out over time makes the process much harder rather than being able to just process everything and then start moving forward.
I also imagine you need time to focus on you. I know how emotionally draining piecing is, and sometimes you can lose yourself in constant work it takes.. Then something like this happens and can make you question everything. If you need time, tell your W you need time, make it clear that your intent is to work on you so you'll be better for her, and that you are not taking time to figure out if you want to be with her, you know what you want and are trying to get your head straight to give it the best chance.
Your likely high on emotions right now, don't make any big decisions to end it or punish her for what she's done. Take space, really think things through. You can do this.
Thanks roist, I think she has had MLC, trigger by low self esteem and dramatic weight loss, I could image her doing it again, however I never saw it coming this time!
Hi Coconut
I was having a snoopy to make sure she wasn't in contact with the OM that I already know about, I found a few texts then she confessed the rest! I just want to be able to move on knowing the truth!
Hi All
Start MC and IC for both me and W next week, final found someone I think can help us! W seems fully on board and and has spoken to the MC to try and get a earlier appointment, and has also start to make notes about thing she would like to discuss.
I'm looking for advice regarding things I should focus on.
blueboy,
Most of us aren't so lucky as to have a WW that's fully onboard for MC. The first person that came to mind when you said that is LiM. LiM could probably provide a lot of good advice if you can get his input. You might try posting to his thread and see if he'll respond.
Thanks doodler, I will try LiM out.
Hi Blueboy,
All caught up on your sitch.
Wow, I can't even begin to imagine the emotional pain you are experiencing after finding out about the other 2 A's. That is the ultimate kick in the nuts.
Only you can decide what you can live with. Is 3 A's a deal breaker for you?
I will say, based on what you've written, is that your W does appear to be remorseful for what she has done. With that, there is a chance for your M.
My advice would be to take one day at a time. I wake up every single day and have to tell myself that I am going to stay in and work on my M today. Even when I feel it would be easier to just walk away.
Now that your W is back, the truly hard work begins. This is not easy and you are going to continue to experience a wide range of unpleasant emotions.
When someone has 1 A, they have issues. When they've had 3 A's, they have LOTS of issues. Your W needs IC on top of MC. I would strongly encourage you to help her find a good IC.
In all your posts, I've not seen much talk about what YOUR issues are. None of us are perfect. I know you had your own A 7 years ago. What else about Blueboy needs improvement? What are your faults and weaknesses? You need to take a good hard look at yourself and see what YOU need to change and improve. We all have room for improvement.
Hi liM
My biggest issues are that I'm a pleaser and a fixer, trying to be super husband and super dad, W felt like she had no place! Hard not to still be those thing now, also we spent all our time with kids and not enough time together.
I'm find it hard not to think about the A's all the time and it all I want to talk about at the moment which is hard.
So thing are going ok, I'm 99% W is committed to R she has not baulk on anything I have asked her to do!
Issues I have:
1) Do I need all the details regards when are we're the had sex? Is this making things better or worse.
2) I have a lot of angry which can lead to negative comments to W, how should I deal with this?
3) Trust, can I live with the knowledge this can happen again in 2, 5, 10 years!
4) How do I not look at my beautiful W and not think of her as tainted!
My heart breaks everyday!
So thing are going ok, I'm 99% W is committed to R she has not baulk on anything I have asked her to do!
Issues I have:
1) Do I need all the details regards when are we're the had sex? Is this making things better or worse.
2) I have a lot of angry which can lead to negative comments to W, how should I deal with this?
3) Trust, can I live with the knowledge this can happen again in 2, 5, 10 years!
4) How do I not look at my beautiful W and not think of her as tainted!
My heart breaks everyday!
1. Nope, bad idea.. Your imagination runs wild, but you know that it's likely not right, facts are harder to shake.
2. It's anger causing those comments, it's hard to lose the anger, but you need to get past the anger and find forgiveness, only then will you find peace and be able to be happy with yourself and W. That should be focus with IC, you need to forgive her, you have to for your own sake. You need to do that first.
3. Instead of asking W about your question #1, ask about why she did what she did, how it made her feel when she was doing it, how does she feel about it now, what she would do now if she started feeling lonely again, etc.. Then decide if your willing to be fully involved with your W and M, some of the best Marriages around are post A M, because they recognize the importance of the emotional bonding and communication. Remember, no guarantee a new W wouldn't have an A either, so it's not like she's a risk of repeating but a new person wouldn't be, it's always a risk.
4. See answer 2, you must find forgiveness. You will always remember, you will always have a bit of pain from the memory, but it will become less pain, and a great M will overshadow bad memories.
Issues I have:
1) Do I need all the details regards when are we're the had sex? Is this making things better or worse.
2) I have a lot of angry which can lead to negative comments to W, how should I deal with this?
3) Trust, can I live with the knowledge this can happen again in 2, 5, 10 years!
4) How do I not look at my beautiful W and not think of her as tainted!
1. You have a right to know what occurred but be careful not to ask about the gory details. Knowing every single detail won't help you heal.
2. You have every right to feel angry but be careful not to lash out at your wife. Remember, you are trying to heal your M so that you can live a long happy life together. Dont say things to her now that you will later regret. I recommend journaling if you need to vent. Or come here and say the angry words you have rolling around your mind.
3. None of us are guaranteed anything at all. She could cheat again but so could a new spouse.
4. I think these goes away with time. All of this is still fresh and very painful. With time, the memory will still be there but it will not evoke the same painful response that it does now.
First MC session last night, went ok, MC seems a good match, W seemed to be very on board.
I'm glad that your W is so on board with everything! Stay cautious and keep us updated!
Not a great night, W has been up all night crying, being sick, saying she can't understand how she could be so selfish and stupid to have done what she has done, saying she is nothing nothing more than a common whore and doesn't deserve me or the kids!
She seems in a meltdown of shame and self hate! Not sure how to handle it at all, I've tried to be supportive.
Just dropped by your post Blueboy and didn't want to leave without saying something.
Sounds like you had a really rough night. It must be so hard to see someone you love beat themselves up like this and there is little you can do about it. I have seen in several posts where Sandi2 explains that she went through this stage of remorse as well so it sounds like this is part of the process although I am sure that doesn't make it any easier.
Hang in there. IMHO she probably needs to feel this way if she is ever going to forgive herself.
Thanks everyone for your support and advice, it really helps me!
Hoping today is a better day
Not a great night, W has been up all night crying, being sick, saying she can't understand how she could be so selfish and stupid to have done what she has done, saying she is nothing nothing more than a common whore and doesn't deserve me or the kids!
She seems in a meltdown of shame and self hate! Not sure how to handle it at all, I've tried to be supportive.
Blue, while this sounds like it might be tough to see and hear on a daily basis, it sounds like an amazing step. If you've followed my threads at all, you'll know that my usual followers keep telling me that "I can't believe what I did to you" is something I'll probably never hear even if we do reconcile. You have heard that! Your W is having to reconcile with herself the things she's done against her own value system. The hurt and pain she's dealt to those who love her the most.
It's hard because, still, YOU were the wronged one but you must be there to console. Hearing you tell her she is worth it will help, but much like a sense of happiness she's going to have to heal her heart largely herself. You can contribute to that certainly, and it sounds like you're doing a good job.
Just keep in mind that this is very positive for your future. It's hard, certainly, but keep it up because you're doing well!
I believe there are psychologal issues here that require professional guidance. Your W's physical transformation, from being the overweight girl all her life.....into a head-turner, is not something every woman is emotionally prepared to handle.
Sandi I think that hit the nail on the head, it's a large part of what's happened. I looking into it!
Had another awful night with the W Spending at least 2 hours rocking backwards and forwards crying, being sick again, saying she deserves to go to hell, it was heart breaking to watch. She almost seem on the verge of a break down!
Can you get her into emergency counseling?
W has improved and appear to be all in to out M, we are attending MC and W has start to find her faith and is attending church.
Big issue is me, I just don't seem able to move on from the fact my W has had sexual activity with someone else and a fully blown relationship!
I'm feel like giving up and moving on! It's been 3 months and I seem to be getting worse not better
My life is a mess!
Big issue is me, I just don't seem able to move on from the fact my W has had sexual activity with someone else and a fully blown relationship!
I'm feel like giving up and moving on! It's been 3 months and I seem to be getting worse not better
I hear you Blueboy. I'm in the same boat and it F'ing [censored]!
One thing I've realized (because Sandi pointed it out to me) is that although I had forgiven my W for the A, I have NOT forgiven her for the betrayal. And that is going to be a tough one for me because I'm angry about it. I'm pissed as hell about they betrayal and the deceit. How could she do this to us after nearly 20 yrs of M?
I'm sick of the the pain. I'm sick of being nauseated. I'm sick of the weight of all of this constantly bearing down on me. I want to just run away from it all as fast as I can.
For now, I'm still staying. I love my W and I want our M to recover from this. I just don't know that I can ever look at her without feeling the pain of what she did.
Have you seen an IC for yourself?
Big issue is me, I just don't seem able to move on from the fact my W has had sexual activity with someone else and a fully blown relationship!
I'm feel like giving up and moving on! It's been 3 months and I seem to be getting worse not better
I hear you Blueboy. I'm in the same boat and it F'ing [censored]!
One thing I've realized (because Sandi pointed it out to me) is that although I had forgiven my W for the A, I have NOT forgiven her for the betrayal. And that is going to be a tough one for me because I'm angry about it. I'm pissed as hell about they betrayal and the deceit. How could she do this to us after nearly 20 yrs of M?
I'm sick of the the pain. I'm sick of being nauseated. I'm sick of the weight of all of this constantly bearing down on me. I want to just run away from it all as fast as I can.
For now, I'm still staying. I love my W and I want our M to recover from this. I just don't know that I can ever look at her without feeling the pain of what she did.
blueboy, LiM,
I understand that you feel that the betrayal from you W's still hurts. Try to think of things from a different perspective. You will never have the same M as before, that is in the past. Look at it from a POV that you just met your W again and rebuild the friendship. I get that most everyone on the board is following the 37 rules and is practicing tough love which I fully agree. The thing is, our W's also fell in love with us because we were also kind, caring and compassionate. Think of it like you are on your first, second, third dates with them. Did you know them well back when you first met, no, but you took a chance and gave them the benefit of the doubt to build an R with them.
Do not let your fear of this POSSIBLY happening again get in the way of rebuilding the friendship. All the DB coaches I have spoken to have said you cannot have an R/emotional connection again until you are friends with your S.
Treat it like a business, you go into it with a partner and you are all business (no emotional connection), eventually as time goes on the business partner R turns into a friendship, then hopefully someday over a long period of time that business and friendship with turn into a full blown R again.
Appreciate that your S's still live under the same roof as you and that there is opportunity for them to see the changes you are making and becoming the best H's an S could have whether it is with them or not. Life is too short to overanalyze every action someone takes and it is up to you to decide how you would like to respond to those actions.
LiM
I agree with everything you said, it help the have a sounding board and to talk to people who are in a similar position. Everyday is a effort to keep moving forward
Sending you my prayers!
No I haven't was sure if was a good idea to have IC and MC at the same time?
Thanks JimKao
That's a helpful thing to read.
I have an IC in addition to our MC. I think you SHOULD do both. Its very clear that us LBS's have issues that we need to be talking to someone about and that someone probably should be our MC and S. The things we are struggling with are valid emotions but we probably don't need to be telling our W's that we can barely stand to look at them because all it does is remind us of the pain they inflicted.
I don't know if we will ever get over that pain. Sometimes it feels like I won't. But the advice is that we WILL eventually get through it.
No I haven't was sure if was a good idea to have IC and MC at the same time?
I wasn't in counseling very long, but I had both at the same time.
To be honest, my work with my IC had more impact on my marriage than our MC sessions did.
"No I haven't was sure if was a good idea to have IC and MC at the same time?"
The MC is for you both. The IC is for you to get yourself straight. You don't want to say something you're going to regret in MC.
I'm really struggling with dealing we the sexual aspect of what has happened.
I find myself wanting more details of what they did but I think it my just make thing worse!
Not sure how to move on from it!
blueboy - One thing I realized a long time ago myself is that you "don't" want the details. You need to look forward and not back. Remember - She came back to YOU. What happened before can't be changed and shouldn't matter (but I know how you feel).
Have you thought about what might help you find forgiveness, so that you can stop focusing on the past and look forward? I don't know, but I think time will help, and if you need it, space apart for a little time.
I know it's hard to deal with someone you loved so much doing that to you, but if you really want to be with her, if you really believe she has come back to reality and you both are going to work to have the best M possible, it's worth working to get past and find forgiveness.
Remember, even if you walked away, your not going to find someone else who hasn't been with another and that's not likely going to bother you. So the real issue isn't the sexual acts themselves, it's the why's and what's (like why did you think so little of me that you could do that, what were you thinking, etc...) that are the issue. Those feelings should be expressed and talked about until you really have a good understanding of what was going on in her head, it's very very very unlikely that she did it to hurt you, the only thought is generally how it feels so good to them. She didn't do it to hurt you, she did it because it felt good to her.
I had a M male friend who was involved in an A, he said that the sex didn't mean anything to him and wasn't very good, but he felt alive with all the covert operations that surrounded the A. I'm sure a woman would say it wasn't the sex, it was the emotional stimulation, the feeling of being desired, etc. I don't think either sex would say I did it because my S is a scumbag and I wanted to hurt them.
So knowing the sexual information isn't necessarily going to do any good in getting past what you are resenting, because what really matters is the how did it make you feel, what could I do to make you feel that way, what would you do if you start to feel that way towards someone else in the future, etc.
Coconut, your post always seem to hit the spot, thankyou so much for taking the time to help me! Hope things are looking up for you!
We had a really nice weekend with lots of nice family and couple time. MC session are going as well as can be expected.
In bed last night W said she was mortified with what she has done, and thanked me for loving her and that she wants to be a mum and W we can both be proud off!
Well we have been back together for over a 100 days now so a little milestone passed.
Thing are going ok, I'm still haunted by what has happened and still second guess every W says, but at least we have a chance to put things right.
Deal with the mental picture of the PA's is hard!
Please start a new thread. Thanks!