Old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2682680&page=1Well the case of WH v. Phoebe was officially filed in his state on May 16, 2016. It's a sickening thing to know. Plus, it means that I gave this man way too much of the benefit of the doubt, so I am SOL to file in my state and will lose at least 5 or more years of spousal support because he did it first. The state he's in, and also the magistrate/judge that is scheduled to hear the case are not at all generous with support. Kicking myself, but I was standing for a man that no longer exists.
It's yet another monumental betrayal of trust. 25 years of life together and I didn't rate high enough for him to even talk to me about it. I have never been so disappointed in anyone in my entire life.
My T says this says a lot about H's character.
So, some journaling:
I started out incredibly shaky this morning. Again. I so wish that would stop. It got a bit better, so I met my walking.music, and now skating friend a the ice rick. I noticed as soon as I got on the ice that I was not in the best of shape. It was like the perfect storm: freshly sharpened skates sharpened in a way I've never skated on before, super shaky (even my legs), quads and glutes tired from biking so hard yesterday, so I couldn't stay low and on bent knees, and newish skates that are not quite worn in yet and have a nasty aggressive toe pick. I fell twice in the first 5 minutes. Had to go out and sit a while because I was shaking so badly.
I'm used to falling, so that wasn't such a big deal, and I didn't hurt myself. Much. Didn't do my ego any good, of course. I usually fall when I get tired and start having a hard time keeping that damn toe pick off the ice. I can hear it starting to drag a bit at first,and then a full on trip is only a matter of time. That's how I know it's time to call it a day on the ice.
BUT, here's the final wave of the perfect skating storm - I was hypoglycemic on top of everything else! Even my legs were shaking. Some water and half a donut and I was good enough to back out, and didn't fall again. It was a golden skate, meaning 50+, but they welcomed me anyway, and said I could totally come back anytime. There were only about 10 people on the whole rink!!! I've never, ever been on ice with so few people. If I had felt better it would have been perfect!
After that I drove home, and was on my way back to the city when I got a call back from the L in H's state, so I pulled over to talk. She was able to tell me about the court documents filed.
I was on my way to get my car serviced, so I started driving there again, when I felt the stupid tears starting again. I had to pull over on the side of a big busy road and I talked to my therapist for 25 minutes again and took Xanax while we talked.
This evening I went to my WeightWathers meeting, and I had dropped another 3.6 pounds this week that I didn't have left to lose. I go for the people, by the way, and obviously not the weight loss. (I'm 20 pounds below my once difficult to maintain goal. Now I have the opposite problem.) I spend time with my Mom, I sell a couple dozen eggs to a fellow member, I chat with others who think I am so star weight loss champ (little do they know that I'm the only person there that feels worse to lose more weight), and I generally have a nice time. I've known some of them for 2 1/2 years now. The leaders know what's going on and cheer me when I gain a bit of weight and look worried when I go the other way. Today I got "the look."
Anyway, I got myself my first getting-a-divorce present right before the meeting, thanks to those same W-Watchers connections - another 3 chicks!!! A fellow member happened to be in the agriculture store at the same time I was. In this state you have to buy a minimum of 6 chicks by law, but I only needed a couple to replace the 2 that died. She happened to be buying chicks, so I glommed onto her purchase!! And I bought three because chicks are so darn addictive.
So now I have 9 chicks. 6 are 2 weeks old and 3 are newborns. (new hatches?) The first chicks are HUGE in comparison. I have to keep them apart until they get a bit closer in size.
So, anyway, that was my day. Time to get my stupid process papers, and time to retain that lawyer in H's state. $5000 retainer. Sigh.
There is only one true silver lining to all of this - I never have to see my MIL again. Priceless.
Thank you Painter, JimKao, and Grl Dory, for your support. It's been a day, that's for sure.
SparrowHawk:
It's going to be easy to be respectful, because I intend to not communicate with him beyond the barest minimum possible. I am better than all of this garbage. I am honest and I have shown integrity and fidelity and dignity. He will not see me angry (even though I really am right now). He will not see a single tear, and he will never touch me again. "Let out a deep cleansing breath of f*ck that..."
End trans.
Hearing is set for 7/26.
Today I saw two contractors I hadn't seen in about 9 months. They were looking at me a bit funny, and it took them a moment to be sure it was me (33 pounds off is starting to be a bit drastic). They asked about a building project and so I just told them about H leaving me and filing for divorce. It's amazing how supportive people are.
I was reading in one of my books yesterday about telling my story. The author says that if you are one of those whose spouses literally abandon you, then you should take it as a compliment. Really. It shows how afraid the WAS is of your awesomeness, and you should tell your story over and over and over again. It was kind of an empowering message, and you know what? It's true. As soon as I tell anyone at all how H ran away from home on the night of our 20th anniversary without a word and then sent me an email for Christmas to ask to separate, they are utterly appalled. Because it takes a special kind of schmuck to do that to someone he said he loved the same damn day he ran away.
Tonight will be a sleeping pill kind of night. I'm still wound, it's 1:45 am, and I'm still in my house and not my usual sleeping quarters. Wonder when I'll start transitioning back to sleeping in my own home? Maybe when I am sure of guaranteed daily interactions with other humans it will be time. for now, I'll stay elsewhere so I can see my parents every day.
I forgot to mention that my walking/music/skating friend took care of me at the rink. She made me sit down, got me a cup of water and found me that donut and sat with me. It was good. And another woman skating left the rink to make sure I was OK, too. It's good to be cared for.
In comes another wave of tears. I was just thinking how much I miss the little daily affection of marriage. H and I touched all the time, a hand on a shoulder as we walked by, a hand on a leg while driving, holding hands as we walked, just little things all the time, right up to the end. Cold turkey affection withdrawal is awful.
A couple friend hugs a week doesn't begin to make up for the loss.
Oh Phoebe, I can hear the pain in your voice. It is such a traumatic event, the betrayal and deceit. I hear some anger, too, though, and I'm glad you're taking action with L's.
Can you discuss with your L to approach WH with an agreement that is more in your favor? After all, going to court is a real risk - he is not going to be guaranteed to get everything he wants. Judges have a lot of discretion.
Also, could you possibly fight jurisdiction?
On the personal side... I missed those things you describe during most of my marriage. It was the reason WH felt I was never happy with him - he rarely showed any affection, and didn't very often touch me in a non-sexual way, and I needed that. I was so starved for affection and that may be what I'm so sad about now - that I waited so long for it and now it's never going to happen.
I am amazed that your H could do that until the very end. But I guess some people are able to compartmentalize like that. It must be very odd to live with that, almost disassociated.
It's 1am here and I had too much chocolate ice cream so I'm pretty wide awake.
Phoebe, I wanted you to be aware of this:
"Unfortunately, a party may unknowingly waive any jurisdictional arguments they may have by responding to a pleading. Any response other than an objection to jurisdiction is deemed a waiver of any arguments that may be available to the party."
This is from an article on Divorce Jurisdiction I looked up. Make sure you discuss this thoroughly with your L...
Hi Phoebe, not much time to post - but just wanted to send a big hug..
(((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))
Xx
Will look in on you later
There is only one true silver lining to all of this - I never have to see my MIL again. Priceless.
This. Made. Me. Chuckle. Because I know what you mean.
It's going to be easy to be respectful, because I intend to not communicate with him beyond the barest minimum possible. I am better than all of this garbage. I am honest and I have shown integrity and fidelity and dignity. He will not see me angry (even though I really am right now). He will not see a single tear, and he will never touch me again. "Let out a deep cleansing breath of f*ck that..."
Classy. Standing ovation for this.
(((Phoebe))) You can do this!
Phoebe
Catching up on your sitch and I am sorry for you.
The papers getting finalized is a punch in the gut. I got my surprise in January and I lost my breath when I got these and froze.
In fact felt like throwing up for a few days and being the same house was the worst experience of my life as I wanted to throw cold water on her to wake her up.
But now you have to protect yourself. going to any court will be alot of $$$ so hopefully the L's can get to a quicker settlement between the 2.
I am just starting to read another book that a friend recommended called Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce.....and bulding a new life
So far its not bad. Stay strong!
((((Phoebe))))
I just got caught up this morning. Oh my! This fool. What a FOOL he is. Words are almost lacking at this point. I have no doubt on some level he knows he is not worthy of you.
You have done so much self-reflecting and growing. I just want to say that all the details--of Ls, paperwork, monies, etc--will work out in due time. Please try not to let that overwhelm you or add any more shaking.
You will be, and are, so much stronger than you realize. Because of this you are attracting quality people to you that are worthy of your time and love. This fool is making his own bed and can lie in it for years to come.
The universe has a way of working these things out.
(((Phoebe)))
My first mil was a great woman we never had a fight and got along really well, she was dead 3 years before I met her!
Xh2 mum, she was a nasty piece of work, xh2 said comstanlty she hated me along with her sil his aunt he said had the pivotal role in my being sacked as a wife as the preferred the ow. She was every thing I was not.
To me not having to see her was awesome, the once I did she pretended she had never ever met me! Weird.
She has since avoided me like the the plague and I love it.
My paperwork is still still dragging out, but who cares. I'm am learning how to do what works to get me the best possible deal.
And you know what is far easier than I thought! Cause xh2 has not changed one bit, me I'm very very different even tho it doesn't feel like it to me.
thank you all for checking in on me and your kind words and support. Yesterday was tough. Today was actually really good.
The underlying reason it was good (the final interment of my granma's ashes wasn't great, but it meant that my larger family was all in one place again on a beautiful day in a beautiful verdant place. It's a small rural community and there were two interments today, so both families got together, scheduled the services back to back, and then both families and guests went to the same restaurant and had a group buffet dinner with drinks. It's a small community and there were so many mourners in common that it just made a lot of sense. It was really really lovely.
My brother is in town for a couple days, and I don't see him very often, so that's great, too. He's staying in my house, and I'm here in my usual sleeping quarters. Strange, but it works.
It's so good to spend time with people that you know and care about, and who care about you in return. That last part, especially.
Still have not officially been served. What the heck kind of process servers are these guys if they can't manage to catch up with me after a whole week? All I've gotten was that silly card on my door telling me to call them. How about doing your job? If I hadn't talked to the L in H's state I'd still be wondering if H really did it without telling me. It's better to know.
Anyway, time to try for some sleep. I'll have to get caught up with everyone after my brother leaves on Saturday night.
Sleep well, and I wish everyone a nice weekend.
I'm glad you got to soak up some family and family friends love today!
Hope you get some good sleep. I should get in there soon, too. Only cried for about 10 minutes tonight. Went for an evening walk with the dog and my son to break the mood, and it helped.
Darkness and night is difficult.
Drive by hug for my dear Phoebe.
(((Phoebe)))
Time with family is always a comfort and a source of peace. I am glad you have the at this time.
Sleep well, and peaceful dreams.
Quick update. I had another really good day with my brother and parents today.
I'm feeling some anger because I just peeked at OWs photo feed again (I know I shouldn't, but i did it anyway). There I saw that she and H were out camping in OUR beautiful vintage camper van 5 days ago. He filed for D and goes camping in the vehicle that I have poured so much effort into. I sewed the curtains, I've cleaned up mouse nests and damage so many times, including just a few days before H walked.
I also had to tell my story (the super condensed) version again today. I get all kinds of support, but it's still no fun to relay. That book I read is right, as soon as anyone hears the story, they immediately start being supportive. Today the person said 'he wasn't even man enough to tell you himself.' Nope. He wasn't. He was out camping.
I named that camper, and there she is using that pet car name as a hatch tag. So slimy.
What is also crappy is that the vehicle has a collector car declared value insurance policy that requires it to be kept in a locked garage anytime it is stored. Camping is OK, but I know now that he has to be parking it on the street near his apartment. It is marital property and he's taken it out of state and violated the insurance policy. Not cool and remarkably irresponsible.
Anyway, I'm fine, just frustrated. After I retain my lawyer, I need to address this issue with her PDQ.
Still have to catch up with everyone on the board.
Hi to SH, Cherry, Painter, Sotto, Dory/Grl, V, rich, Ggrass, Blu, and everyone else I'm too fried to put on this list. Sweet sleep and wishes for a peaceful Sunday.
It's good to see some anger.
Stay away form OW photo feeds. You know better and no good comes of it.
Truly he is a slimy fool. The day the fog clears will be a rude awakening for him.
You are sounding stronger and so glad the time with family has been peaceful and enjoyable.
Sleep well.
Report it stolen?
J/k. Definitely not DB'ing.
I hope your L can put a lockdown on marital property and funds asap.
I'm glad you're surrounded by family and friends, even if it means telling your story. I find that sometimes it helps me tap into the anger rather than the sadness, which is energizing.
Enjoy your time with them. We'll be here.
Euch......OW photo feed?? You don't need to see those my friend - stuff like that is focusing on them and is never going to help you. Next time you get that urge, try to divert yourself. I think it's like giving up smoking - tough, but it can be done.
I understand that horrible feeling about OW reaping the harvest of seeds you have sewn. Horrible. I remember being so aggrieved about her becoming part of H's family life, when I believed I had earned that place...and would just be supplanted. Actually I don't even know if OW has met H's family - but I imagine they may not be thrilled about her and the situation in general (they don't keep in touch with me.)
I agree with others about due legal process. Time to take sensible steps to look after marital assets and come to some fair arrangements with support from your L.
You're doing really well (apart from the photo feed....
) xx
(((Phoebe)))
That sounds brutal. My heart aches for you. It's hard not to look & see what they are up to. Even though you know it's going to hurt, there is also this part of you that needs to verify and wants the reality check. I think it makes us think we will let go if we can only see that it is real. It's so hard to accept this man we loved so much could do that. I fell into my own trap several times.
There was one night where I just knew he was at her place. So I took a slightly inconvenient route home and drove by. Yup, there was my car parked out front, and it was the car I usually drove. Even though the kids were not with him, one of the carseats was still in the car, because it usually stayed in place. Just seeing MY baby's carseat, in MY car, parked near her place, well it was the biggest punch in the gut. I fell so hard.
I did several things like this to try and force reality on myself. I don't know exactly why, but perhaps I was looking to be angry, and maybe if I got angry enough, I could let him go and move forward. .... The problem was, it never worked out that way. It just hurt. And hurt. Every time. I think I may have been in as much a fog as he was.
So if you feel the urge to look and verify, that's ok and normal. But it's going to hurt. A lot. I think you deserve less hurt right now. That's all. I am so sorry you are going through this. Not even sure what else to say :-(
-Blu
Thank you Sotto, SH, and Painter. It means so much to me that you are looking in on me.
I feel like I'm kind of going back into the denial phase again. I want to just go curl up somewhere and hope it all just goes away. I know it will not, and I behave accordingly, but I'm always aware of an urge to run and hide.
I know I'm supposed to not look at social media, but on the other hand, until the legal process gets going, it is a way for me to watch to see if he's blowing money on stupid stuff. And it let me know that our vintage camper is sitting out on the street, basically uninsured against theft or anything else.
It doesn't help that FaceBook keeps suggesting OW as someone I might know. Ugh. No thank you!
So i have spent a lot of great time with my family over the last 3 days and it has been wonderful. I got to see extended family for the interment service and I had lots of time to spend with my brother whom I only see every few years (he lives quite far away). Plus, I had extra time with my parents, doing things we don't usually do together. Brother and I went to antique shops, we all went out to dinner together, we had a cookout a different day, and we even went out to a movie. I really enjoyed having all 4 of us together again for a while.
It helped me today, especially, after seeing my camper being shared with the OW. This is going to sound stupid, but it almost makes me feel worse than the extramarital sex issue. Sharing his body is one thing, but sharing our LIFE? Our camper, our house, taking her back to our college campus, going hiking. WTF?
If our life together was so awful that he had to run away from it, then why did he go find someone who likes so many things that I like and why is he walking her through the life we had together? Going to our old haunts? Can someone help me understand this? It's like he's trying to write her in over top of the real history.
Today was kind of a bummerific day before our family night out. I was starting to get pretty down and have been looking forward to seeing my therapist all weekend. We went to see the movie Nice Guys (with Russel Crowe and Ryan Gosling), which was really much better and funnier than I expected. It's a LBS safe movie, too, so I recommend it. Not for kids, of course, but if you can handle language and some violence it's worth a watch. Everyone in the theater was laughing.
I'm feeling under the gun about this legal nightmare looming ahead of me. My L friend tells me to sit tight, that I have al the time in the world for a response due in early July.
So, while I'm trying to sit tight, I'll be calling the local divorce L tomorrow to get his advice and probably set up an appointment to see him for an hour to try to get a realistic assessment about the jurisdiction issue. I still haven't been served officially. Apparently the local servers are incompetent. I mean 9 days and still nothing?
So, maybe it was missed in the new thread shuffle, but the new L friend invited me for a weekend trip already. After knowing him for a week!?!? I declined, of course. I need a friend, but that's got to be all. Never mind that he's not my type at all (I'm really not attracted to anyone right now), and he's his own kind of mess, but I am in no condition to be dealing with any romantic entanglements, nor will I be for some time. What's the deal? Why am I running across this so early in my friendship-seeking? Is there something appealing about the heartbroken? Any thoughts?
Tomorrow I am meeting a woman from a previous MeetUp for a hike. My plans to go with her last week got goofed up, but tomorrow we're going to my favorite state park. Instead of post-therapy-hiking, I'm doing it ahead of time! Therapist is afterward, and then I have to take my car to the dealer to do the work I missed because of Thursday's wonderful news about WH v. Phoebe being officially filed.
When will the barrage of new and painful information jabs taper off?
I feel more resilient than I was, but it still makes me sad to think about the altered trajectory of my life. I just try to keep taking it one day at a time.
I was typing away while you posted, Blu.
I think you are right. I looked because I wanted to see that it was real, that he was still with her, and I think I did want to be angry. I have felt so much pain, yet so little anger, that maybe I just wanted to tip the scales toward anger for a while.
You're also right, though. It really just hurt.
I want all of this to be over with. I want to go on with my life and discover that there is more to me than just what I had with him, because that is dead now and I need to go on living.
Last night I lay awake until 5 am, even with Benadryl and melatonin on board. I finally took Xanax out of frustration and managed to sleep until 9. I am so tired of being tired.
I'm sorry your sleep got messed up again, Phoebe.
It makes such a difference. Can you take your Xanax on schedule when you go to bed and just make sure you get sleep? The lack of sleep makes it harder for you to think straight and makes you more emotional during the day, so it becomes a vicious cycle. Please just take the Xanax when you go to bed tonight so you can get a night's sleep. I do that regardless these night, because otherwise I just get 4 hours interrupted by obsessive thoughts that I wake up with, and I'm a snappy and unfocused wreck during the day. You need your wits with you right now.
Think like a doctor - you take medication on a set time to prevent symptoms from recurring, not wait until the symptoms come back before you take the meds...
There are infidelity specialists who believe that knowing is important for healing - that if we don't know what happened, we'll stay disoriented and confused, unable to make sense, to the degree that some develop PTSD. Try googling 'trauma and infidelity' and check out the first article. I can't post the link here, but it was very validating reading. Made me feel a lot less crazy.
I am a doc, Painter. At least for pets.
I'll take my Xanax tonight, in your honor.
Good evening Phoebe.
It is great to hear the time with the family has been so pleasant and peaceful. It is well needed for you.
Reading your post, has me thinking "Emotional first aid"
Yes, I encourage you to watch again and apply some of the ideas. As painter mentions, the physical and emotional are very tied together. Sleep is very needed and while there are meds we can get to assist, and I say use them, if we also focus on the emotional healing, then we can benefit.
For me the emotional first aid has been one of the key factors for getting myself together and the physical followed.
I hope to see you getting sleep patterns and eating back on track. I am a strong believer that emotional first aid is key to Dbing and getting us on the firm ground to handle whatever is thrown at us.
I am praying that you find a good nights sleep.
Thanks, SH.
I really want the sleep thing to normalize, too, and I ate aTON this weekend!
Eating is much easier when it's done socially. When I'm alone, i can just get busy and forget to eat because my appetite isn't present most days.
I hope you sleep well, too.
Maybe an eating meetup then for the appetite. Lol
Not sure if that is a thing, but I have found some really bizarre meet ups in my area.
I found a meetup for " Nude Dudes". Lol. It had very specific requirements for having a certain BMI in order to join. Lol. No I did not inquire further. Lol. And yes I met the requirement for the BMI. Lol
Anyway, not sure what sent me off on that silly tangent. Off to bed I go. I am at that sleepy silly point now.
I am a doc, Painter. At least for pets.
I'll take my Xanax tonight, in your honor.
I know - I was appealing to your professional side. Doctors are horrible patients!
Sleep well!
Stay away from ow photo feed, I had a photo of my xh2 ow she was covered in mud
Looked like the pig she is and the first thought that popped into my head was
The scene from cat in the hat where he's holding s garden hoe and calling it a dirty dirty hoe.
I laughed but then I moved on and things are vastly different place for me now. He's still in the same place. He hasn't seen life move on. Not really.
So don't look until you can laugh about how silly she is. That she cannot make a life for herself without taking bits of yours.
Screams how shallow she is.
This is going to sound stupid, but it almost makes me feel worse than the extramarital sex issue. Sharing his body is one thing, but sharing our LIFE? Our camper, our house, taking her back to our college campus, going hiking. WTF?
No, it doesn't sound stupid. The hardest thing of all that has happened to me, was when I found out that WH had moved OW into our home. I asked him recently how he could just replace me like an old battery?
And sharing the body... I got to tell you, if you got him back, you might feel differently about it. I know it was never the same for me after I found out that WH had been with another woman. At first it was more intense (reconciliation phase), then it got weird. The trust issue came between us from my side.
I, the same I see sex as sex and nothing more.
But when nothing in their life changes but who sits in the passenger seat then I find that eeeeeewwwwww. And yes when she moved in on "our life" she had some interests and same traits as me. I was simply done.
I couldn't see my self, wanting to stoop for someone who couldn't stoop or even pick me up at times.
Today has been kind of a tough day so far. Now that my brother has headed home, and all the family activities are over, I'm back to my own messy life, and I'm feeling sad. I had to take Xanax this morning to combat an oncoming wave of grief and emotion. I should just have let it come, but I had plans for the day and couldn't spare the time to grieve.
I met a new acquaintance this morning and we went on a really nice hike for a couple hours, taking time out to identify trees as we went along. I really enjoyed having another person along who shares my interest in knowing what's around me. Since we're just starting to get to know each other a little bit, I gave her a very brief overview of my story.
I talked to my therapist after that and everything felt very raw, like my grief was just under the surface for the whole hour. Well, it's really been there since yesterday morning, but I had plenty of distractions until today. I don't know why it should bother me so much that H took OW camping in our beautiful bus, but it hurts me very much.
So, it's been a day so far. I have to work on my grief homework this evening. I need to do it, but I already feel crummy without digging into the wound some more.
Dear Phoebe
You are in my thoughts this evening. You will grow stronger from this.
(((Phoebe)))
Thank you, Jim. I hope so, otherwise this is so not worth it.
I don't know why it should bother me so much that H took OW camping in our beautiful bus, but it hurts me very much.
OF COURSE it hurts you! You've been rejected and replaced in a most inconsiderate and hurtful manner, and your world has been turned upside down by the person who was supposed to be there for you and have your back.
Don't ever wonder about the right you have to feel grief and anger over this.
Thank you, Jim. I hope so, otherwise this is so not worth it.
What would the alternative be? We really have no other option, do we.
no choice whatsoever, but the pain can't be for nothing. I have to grow from this.
Phoebe, I need to take a page out of your book for meeting more people. Odd huh, since I encourage so many to do this, and yet find myself a little stagnate with this aspect. I work and then focus on my daughters and find very little time to get out with others.
I need new acquaintances and this will be a new goal for me as I am stable in my emotional mindset for now.
Keep at it. I know it is benefiting you.
Keep up with the pencil smiles, emotional first aid, chicken saddles and when was the last time you did the chocolate meditation? I know you do the F*ck that meditation everyday. LOL
(((Phoebe)))
I know you will grow from this. You already are. I have so much faith that as you move through this process you will find a more beautiful and authentic life, one you would have not have known without this. There are always silver linings. This is so raw still, but as you heal, you will become open to seeing them. I think those of us reading here already see some.
-Blu
Thank you fro checking in on me Blu and SH. It's been a really tough day for some reason.
To be honest, I've been having a bit of a hard time since Sunday morning, but having my brother around helped me push it back for that day, and then being busy Monday with hiking and therapist at least got me through most of the day. I even got together with the L friend for some food, even though I wasn't hungry, just because I really needed some company. I didn't get home until nearly midnight, and then I went out and took a walk in the dark in my fields. That made me feel really good - it was breezy, the stars were out, fireflies were blinking, and the tree frogs were in full cry.
I was feeling bit better, and then after my walk I had to work on my grief recovery homework and the tears just started and have been with me on and off since. Well, I barely made it through with my therapist without tears yesterday, actually. Today I cried for half of my drive to see my grief counselor, cried while I was there. Halfway through my drive back home I had to stop and sleep for an hour in a parking lot I was so exhausted. Cried again when my neighbor friend stopped by to visit. Just struggling and sad.
My heart just hurts right now and I need to let myself feel my way through that. I've bottled it up for the last few days because I didn't have time to let myself feel it, and now I'm worse than if I'd just let it out immediately. It seems like I have been on a pretty regular schedule for a minor crash about once a week, and I pushed it off and it's ended up being more than a minor crash.
I'm going to walk with my neighbor tomorrow, then I am going to an Audubon meeting in the evening. Thursday I am ice skating again with the same person as last week, and Thursday evening I have my WW meeting, so I have some activities planned. Staying busy, seeing people, etc., doing what I can. I'm trying to set up a second session with my therapist this week, too, because I could really use the extra support.
I still have not been officially served with my legal papers. I am going to spend the $ and see a local lawyer again to talk things over and try to figure things out a bit. The out of state L is still waiting for me to retain her, but she did answer a couple questions for me, which was really good of her.
SparrowHawk, I did listen to the f-that meditation again last night in your honor. I need to find one that's less amusing at some point, though.
My dear Phoebe. My heart breaks at the thought of the sadness you re going through.
Be kind to your self and let it flow as needed. There will come a point that all of the tears will dry up. It will come, because you are putting in so much work to care for yourself and your well being. You are an example for many here that you can still push forward and do some heavy lifting to heal, in spite of the challenges.
I will find some additional material for us to chuckle at, learn from and grow with.
I have been a little off of late, and feeling kind of numb. Kinda stuck in a routine that I know must end, but the normalcy of it makes me feel at ease. I know that there is much to be done and go through, but for now I will take it as it is.
My goal is to get a learning plan and follow it. Get out and create a new social life. I hear there are many mid 40 single folks out there that like to mingle. I just have to find the gathering place and watering hole I imagine.
I am here to support you sweet Phoebe. I will share my thoughts as you go through the legal process. The things I would do different, and the things that I find are working now.
Sleep well, that will help you.
((((((((Phoebe))))))))
We need a new challenge to distract us. I will think on this and come up with a good idea.
Not sure I can be helpful about making anything better today. The waterworks are on here, too, and I feel like I'm having a slight anxiety attack, something I haven't had in a long time.
My chest hurts, too. I wish we had a way to take away this pain for both of us. I took my anti-anxiety meds and will try to get some sleep.
Where's the Easy button when you need it!
Hi Phoebe, it's hard to feel so sad and my heart goes out to you Sweetheart. It's also good to release the grief and I think you have the mix about right, though it all might feel horrible and difficult and painful.
Releasing in this way will help as time goes on....and I'm glad you have some nice GAL activities planned too.....xx
(((Phoebe)))
I am sorry that you're hurting so much. Fwiw, I do not have your grace, composure and strength, but I have survived what I thought I could never survive. I have no doubt that you will do a much better job than me.
We need a new challenge to distract us.
Pole dancing, anyone? Do guys pole dance tho?
Grl!!!
I am chuckling at the the thought of guys pole dancing. I think it is because of a tv show called King of Queens. Maybe you have heard of it.
He bought a pole so his wife could learn and she was so awful he tried to show her how. His is a large man, and the scene was hilarious!
And hey, at this point in my life and after all that I am going through, why not give it a try. I am going to see if there is a meetup group for pole dancing. Lol.
I love the suggestion.
SH,
I have heard of King of Queens. While M, I was so busy being such a 'horrid' wife that I didn't have time to watch TV much.
Do tell if you manage to find a meetup for pole dancing.
Ah now funnily enough I was due to go to a pole dancing class a while ago with my ladies social group. Turned out I had to work away that day and cancelled....but the ones who did go were black and blue apparently!! X
....but the ones who did go were black and blue apparently!! X
LOL Good to know. I will be sure to wear some padded gear to absorb the bumps and bruises when I fid my meet up group for this.
May not be as sexy, but gotta keep myself looking good and bruise free, Right?! LOL
Ooh. Sotto. I heard about the bruises. I am still dithering because blue and black are not my colours.
Yes, SH. Padded protective wear sounds good.
You guys are hilarious. I'd love to see all of you pole dancing, especially if you're all lumpy and bumpy with padding!! I should have some of that padding when I go skating tomorrow!
I think that I'm going to watch Greek folk dancing at a festival on Friday. I think that may be as close as I'm willing to get to pole dancing.
It's a chilly, damp, cloudy day here today, so I actually have the heat on . In June. It's kind of nice, actually. I have some work to do this morning to get stuff ready to talk to the L on Friday. Still feeling pretty down today, but no water works so far, so plainly a bit better.
I'd love to get off this roller coaster.
One of my hens has been broody since Monday and I have been trying to break her of it. They go off their feed and stop laying and just sit on an empty nest (I have no rooster, so zero chance of babies!) and lose weight, so I can't let her just stay that way. I had her out in her own kennel overnight with any bedding, which works, but as soon as I sprung her from jail she bee-lined it back to the nest box in her coop. Broody hens are pretty funny. Today she got herself all puffed up and fanned out like a tom turkey on display! I needed the laugh, but I think I'll have to put her bak out in her cage by herself all day. Silly girl.
Thank you SH, Sotto, Painter, Grl, and Blu for checking in on me and for the kind words and the laughs. I really appreciate knowing that you are out there. Time to get on with the day's tasks.
SparrowHawk, I look forward to your new challenge. Will it involve more office supplies?
You guys are hilarious. I'd love to see all of you pole dancing, especially if you're all lumpy and bumpy with padding!! I should have some of that padding when I go skating tomorrow!
I think that I'm going to watch Greek folk dancing at a festival on Friday. I think that may be as close as I'm willing to get to pole dancing.
It's a chilly, damp, cloudy day here today, so I actually have the heat on . In June. It's kind of nice, actually. I have some work to do this morning to get stuff ready to talk to the L on Friday. Still feeling pretty down today, but no water works so far, so plainly a bit better.
I'd love to get off this roller coaster.
One of my hens has been broody since Monday and I have been trying to break her of it. They go off their feed and stop laying and just sit on an empty nest (I have no rooster, so zero chance of babies!) and lose weight, so I can't let her just stay that way. I had her out in her own kennel overnight with any bedding, which works, but as soon as I sprung her from jail she bee-lined it back to the nest box in her coop. Broody hens are pretty funny. Today she got herself all puffed up and fanned out like a tom turkey on display! I needed the laugh, but I think I'll have to put her bak out in her cage by herself all day. Silly girl.
Thank you SH, Sotto, Painter, Grl, and Blu for checking in on me and for the kind words and the laughs. I really appreciate knowing that you are out there. Time to get on with the day's tasks.
SparrowHawk, I look forward to your new challenge. Will it involve more office supplies?
On the net there are gratitude meditation in you tube. Some are better than others but that could be used until SH comes up with something
Phoebe... I'm catching up on your story, as I'm trying to involve and learn more about other people on this site as well. I feel for you and your pain, I'm truly sorry for what you are going through.
I know what its like to "break down" here and there, as I tend to keep a very, very busy schedule. However, once in a while, i could be home cooking, walking the dogs, or something kind of menial, and all the sudden it hits me... I'm alone, my WW is doing who knows what, surely something fun (but probably not), and I break down and cry. This happens a lot when I'm doing my journaling and/or homework too. It's just part of the process I guess. We need to grieve, we need to feel what's happening to us, and we need to take that and turn it into something positive.
Hang in there, Phoebe. I'll be thinking of you.
---
ps, what's this chocolate f-this meditation thing?
I meditate twice daily at minimum (morning/night) for 15 minutes a piece.. working my way up to 20. I'm very interested in this "F-this chocolate meditation" haha.
I meditate twice daily at minimum (morning/night) for 15 minutes a piece.. working my way up to 20. I'm very interested in this "F-this chocolate meditation" haha.
On the net there are gratitude meditation in you tube. Some are better than others but that could be used until SH comes up with something
Oh, and if you're curious, I use an app called "Insight Timer", I paid for the PRO version (its like 5-10 bucks), and it's the best! Tons of 10 minute guided meditations (gratitude, sleep, silence, mindfulness, stress, self-care, etc...)
I would definitely recommend it, and I've never found anyone who wasn't happy with paying for the PRO version to get the extra special guides.
Hi betterm. Thanks for catching up with me and for the support. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry that you are here, too. This isn't something I would ever wish on anyone.
The meditations you asked about are actually a running joke combination of two meditations. One is a chocolate meditation (it's probably somewhere earlier on my thread where SH explained it, or it's online - I can't remember where I rad the actual process after SH suggested it - could be on his thread, too) - it involves eating chocolate, so you know it's worth a try, and if the meditation doesn't suit you, just eat more chocolate!
The other you need to search for on YouTube - look up "F*ck That: an Honest Meditation" by a guy named Jason Headley. It's purely for fun, but It's made me laugh when few things could, so go find it. Heads up that it is definitely full of language that kids shouldn't hear!
I've been delving into legal stuff today, and it isn't a whole lot of fun. Mostly just gathering documents that I will need for the process. Still wish it would all just go away. I have no stomach for conflict.
I also got my ice skates adjusted, should be either having tea or going for a walk pretty soon, depending on the weather, and then I'm off to my bird group meeting. I also take dot me new L friend for a bit today, so beyond paperwork, I'm working on myself, too.
As a complete aside, I had a dream about an old lover (from over 25 years ago!) yesterday, instead of H, for once, so maybe that's a bit of progress? Dreams of H make me feel so lonely when I awaken. It was nice to have a pleasant dream about someone else for once.
Ithe Audubon meeting was wonderful! There was a really enthusiastic speaker who loved his subject and his photographs were incredible. Right before my meeting a friend came over for tea and conversation (when she came by yesterday I was crying, so she came back to make sure I'm OK today).
And now, after the meeting, I'm meeting my new L friend to get a bite of food. It's hard for me to eat again, so making food a social thing helps a lot. As it is, all I've eaten today is some scrambled eggs and a piece of toast, and that wasn't until after 2 o'clock. I just am not hungry, so I get busy doing my various tasks, and suddenly I realize half the day is gone.
Off to Subway for food!
My daily check in on my friend.
Sounds like a good day for you.
Busy day for me, so I am off to bed.
Hugs smiles positive thoughts chocolate birds hikes new friends and all thing joyful and peaceful.
((((((((Phoebe))))))))
Fat fingers/goofy auto-correct central around here for me today. Sorry about the gibberish a couple posts ago. I kind of wish that the browser would just leave my typos alone. Sometimes they would probably make more sense than the "fixed" versions.
So, we got some food and then L friend and I walked around the downtown area for maybe 90 minutes. It was fine, but the last time I walked down that same area was with H, and the last two times I actually was with H we walked around the downtowns of two other cities. There's also the minor detail that H has rejected our life together in favor of his city life, replete with OW and raves and all the other superficial garbage he now claims to value. I'm kind of over cities at this point.
Walking around yet another city at night just made me think of all the city walking I've gone with H over our many years and I just don't want to think about him any more. It seems that I can't do anything or go anywhere without it tapping into the bottomless well of memoirs from my previous life.
I wish I could skip all of this new friend-making awkwardness. Mostly, I would like to make some friends without any potential for romantic overtones. So far, I've gotten at 1 out of 3 of the people I've been spending time with who qualify on that front. I want the company and I am glad to have people to share time and activities with, but that's all I want. The skating/music friend is cool on this, I think, but the L friend, perhaps doesn't quite get it yet, and that's where the awkwardness comes in.
Well, I'm happy to say that I'm falling asleep as I type, so I'm off to bed, undrugged. Goodnight to all!!!
Hope you have a good night's sleep!
There's so many triggers. I had an unexpected one today, with a slide of some old marriage records.
Well, I'm happy to say that I'm falling asleep as I type, so I'm off to bed, undrugged. Goodnight to all!!!
YAY!!!
Un drugged sleep!
This is progress.
Yes, that's good, but sleep is still a problem.
I have been able to fall asleep without meds for a couple days now, but I'm also back to waking up at 6 am for the last 10 days, or so, regardless of when I go to bed. Given that I can't get to sleep until 1 or 2, I am getting pretty sleep deprived. I never nap, so for me to fall asleep in a parking lot on Tuesday speaks volumes.
Off to start my day. I'm tired.
Phoebe
I can relate. I fall asleep at 10 pm and wake up in the middle of the night anywhere from 1 to 3 am and need to be up at 530 am to start the day. Hang in there.
I'm right there with you today Phoebe.
I was not to tired last night after a busy day at work and car buying . I finally fell asleep around 1130. I was tired just not sleepy.
I woke up at 330 and was wide awake. Laid there till 4 and then got up and worked out.
Nothing really going on in my mind, I do feel a little lonely though. Not the kind that induces anxiety nor worry, just simply a void in my being.
Any way, I'm feeling a bit drowsy, but got keep going today. I see both girls tonight and have errand to get done after work.
Have a good day Phoebe. Onward and upward in the journey. Sleep or no sleep we got this.
Ok, so I was working on getting paperwork together for the appointment with the local L tomorrow and I was looking over our prepaid highway toll data.
More puzzle pieces just started fitting together, and I am just shaking my head. My purpose in looking at these records was to establish how much time H spent in my state vs. his work state because of the question of jurisdiction for the D proceedings. Instead, I got distracted by all the NYC bridge tolls on the bill, as early as January of last year. Let's just say that area has nothing to do with anything I was aware of so far. It's a totally new wrinkle. He stayed overnight somewhere there multiple times as well as overnights throughout the year in OW's town. That may not have been OW yet, but clearly overnights to go to dance raves and couch-surfing, at the very least. Maybe a lot more.
yuckiest of all was the travel path on the week he disappeared. That week he told me had to go back to work in the other state just one day after arriving home with me because a 'coworker had a sick kid.' Instead, he drove to NY city and then went to OW's city. The day he decided not to come home to me, he started out in OWs town, drove almost all the way back to me before he officially walked away. He was definitely already seeing OW at this point. So, the day before our 20th wedding anniversary, he woke up in OW's town, and maybe even her appartment. Super Yuck.
I'm just thinking about how much I blamed myself in those first 6 days he went missing! I was beating myself up, trying to figure out what I did, what did I say, what did I miss, how had I so hurt him??? In reality, he was already a cheater who'd been lying to me for over a year.
I've been grieving the loss of this man?
I'm not fixated on this, and I'm more disgusted than upset, but it's amazing to see it went back so far. I'm sure I would have seen a lot more oddness if I could access the records from 2014, but they're gone. No way to be sure when the affair began, but the deceit and the singles lifestyle (where he told his 'friends' he was already either D'ed or S'ed) started long ago.
Why didn't I ever look at these statements in the past? It was all there, like he just wanted to be found out. I. trusted him, never even thought to look, and he just got more brazen about all the lies until he walked. I'm feeling really naive and gullible, and also like I missed my only chance to disrupt the behavior before it became a full blown affair. Crappy.
This is exactly what the local Beyond Affairs Network coordinator said about the trickle-truth types of WSs. He said that over time I would start to see puzzle pieces shifting into place as I learned moreI information. I guess he was right.
All this because I wanted to show H was really living in my state last year. Instead, I never got past the data showing H was living a lie. On the other hand, the data shows he spent even less time in the work state where he is claiming residency than I thought, so maybe it's not all for naught. I'll still have to figure out that aspect of it all.
Beyond that, and how strangely NOT upset this has made me (I feel no tears whatsoever. is this detachment, or disbelief?), the day was mostly good. I went ice skating and I didn't even fall! Wahoo! I spent time with my parents and talked to an out of state friend at length.
I'm kind of dreading the L appointment tomorrow, and today I'm leaning toward just skipping the jurisdiction squabble and just going to his state and getting the best settlement I can. I just need more information to make an informed decision.
I am, however looking forward to seeing my therapist again tomorrow.
Time for bed. I'm not sure how tired I am, but we shall see.
The best advice I had was treat it as business only.
I had a flurry of L stuff today, xh2 has a history of dumping stuff at my place unannouced so we had to re demand arrangement from any human to arrange delivery. As xh2 has refused he won't text or phone me. Guess the ow has his man jewels in her handbag and he's not allowed them!
Guess she knows un classey he is, but do what works.
I don't want him at my home tick I asked the lawyer to demand he deliver in person. He refused.
I don't want him to phone in person, just cannot bothered with listening to another word salad of how I deserved this so I demanded he either text or phone tick he refused
I demanded he deliver stuff this week, which would have been a pia, and suprise he refused and said next week. Tick.
Work out how to drive things in the direction your heading even if you r, selttlement is about you standing up and securing your share. It's not an obstacle, like my xh2 says.
It he truely wanted to nothing would stop him.
At this point I needed to move stuff forwards and I've have found a way by asking for things knowing he will refuse just the be difficult. So work out the best way to proceed.
And don't take it too personal..
IT might be worth asking a friend to create anew Excel spreadsheet for you. Your location WH location.
In columns with a note column.
I did that for WH and I.
A key to activities too T=NY TOLL, N= Nasty with OW
H=Home
Yes the old fashioned gaslight and trickle truth combo.
So your WH was cheating, that's what cheaters do. And they blame us for it.
They want their cake, to eat it, and have another one baking.
My WH was on dating websites sites too, all through our R.
That's snake like squirmery.
Phoebe, you are worth so much more than this. Until WH shows he is working on his behaviour, then year 21 is the year of Phoebe.
Wanting out of an M is one thing, wanting to cheat is quite another.
V
By the way the toll stuff is a spell break issue.
Now you know you can never unknow.
It hurts and it's Intel.
V
Holy cow. I went to an ethnic festival this evening with a MeetUp and got sucked into an entire evening, including being dragged to a bar, and then to salsa dancing. Both were utterly uncomfortable. Let me count the ways: I don't drink, I am too inhibited to dance and the more people push the more inclined I am to stonewall, and I definitely don't like loud noise or places I can't talk to people easily - live music 10 feet away from the speakers = deafening. The salsa dance floor was also super loud.
Plus, I just got home and it's 3 am! Good grief. Given that I will certainly wake at dawn again, I going to go out on a limb here and predict that my sleep deficit will be getting worse.
And here's the biggie about why I was uncomfortable: one woman decided that I neede to kiss someone tonight, and I told her it was absolutely not going to happen, but she kept after me ALL night. It was charming(yet another person trying to fix me) and also a PITA.
Actually, today I was genuinely feeling better than I have all week. I am officially lawyeed up and ready to fight for myself with their help. I say their help because there are three of them. Let the financial bleeding begin. I am not going to share any specifics in case WH stumbled across this, but suffice it to say that I am not planning on being any kind of doormat in this process.
The toll information kind of did it for me. I'm looking at it as my wonderful H is gone forever, replaced by a person I would never want, nor accept in my life. I'm not going to take any bullsh1t from this person. I've had quite enough crap shoveled my way over the last few years and it's time for that to stop.
Time to get a few zzzzzzzs. Maybe I'll be able to sleep past dawn??? I hope so, or it's going to be a very short sleep.
Atta girl! I love the spirit in you. Good to see you stepping out of your comfort zone. You're making me rethink my inhibitions about pole dancing.
Lol about your wing woman.
Hope you'll be able to sleep beyond dawn.
Phoebe,
Please tell me you had fun! I am sure it was uncomfortable but I am glad you stayed and enjoyed yourself a bit!
Phoebe
Sweetheart why?
It's out of your comfort zone, perhaps a little too far.
Don't let it put you off, ok.
Find some meet ups you like, walking, reading group, cookery......
Start there, go and keep going.
Dancing and music are great for the soul.
I dance, all kinds of dancing, salsa is tough even for V. Ceroc, modern jive is frienday. Good structured evenings are beginners class 45 mins, free style 30 mins then refresh of beginners class for 45 mins with experienced dancers then more free style.
No alcohol, generally just water or tea.
Thats a easier way, every one is a beginner once upon a time. It's friendly, all ages and you won't need a partner.
I recommend gentle intro, rather than big bang.
Be kind to yourself and be brave too.
V
I persjaded Old Dog to go, he claimed two left feet, and he now loves his jive.
V
Oh, I did have fun, don't get me wrong. I just didn't want to go salsa dancing but ended up going anyway. This Meetup is actually run by my walking/music friend, and the other woman who and along was one I have met twice before. There were a few more people at the festival, but once we left it was just the three of us. My music/walking friend is hugely into dancing, ballroom specifically, but pretty much loves all types. It helped her after her own H walked out and she thinks it would help me, too.
I will say, however, that I really do enjoy watching other people dance. It's fascinating to watch people that know what they're doing. Watching my friend dance was really cool. She's good!
I hold my boundaries well. Both women told me I have a very strong 'no.' I went along because I enjoyed their company, just not every activity they wanted me to join in.
Anyway, today I declined all invitations. I need a day off from being scheduled.
It sounds like quite the night out! It's fun to have experienced though, isn't it?
What are your plans for tomorrow?
It was definitely an amusing experience, Painter. Way out of my comfort zone, but that was OK. Not sure I'd like to repeat it anytime soon, but it was worth dong once.
Vanilla, thank you for the support. You are totally right - I can't unknown what I have learned, and the blinders are off now.
Tomorrow I think that I am going to try to stay home and get some work done on the farm. For starters, I need to expand the brooder box for my chicks. I bought new boxes today at UHaul, so tomorrow it will be a bit of an arts and crafts project (tape and cardboard) to double their current square footage. My little birdies are getting big. Well, the first batch is pretty huge, and the one week olds are tiny in comparison to them, yet much bigger than a week ago. I let them commingle yesterday, and they all seem to be getting on just fine. Chickens grow so quickly that they don't seem real sometimes.
Then I am going to get my brush hog back together, now that I have the new parts, and after that I think that it is high time that I rebuilt the mower deck on my riding mower. I bought the rebuild kit about 10 days ago, right before all he11 broke loose here (when I realized H filed for a D and the process servers were looking for me). They still haven't served me yet. So very strange.
At some point I either need to buy a new engine for my push mower (remember the day that I played Phoebe, The Destructor, and broke everything - snapped the pins on my brush hog burned up the push mower engine, deconstructed the mower deck), or I have to buy a whole new mower. My inclination is always to fix, so I need to get the part number for the engine at some point and get that project underway.
So, I plan on being a (farm) homebody tomorrow. I was out most of today, even though I didn't do any social activities. I spent the morning with my parents, went out, got boxes, got a late lunch, and then took myself to a movie - Zootopia (very cute, by the way, and totally LBS safe).
Monday is soon enough to get back into the social thing again.
My goal for the night is to be in bed by 11 pm, so I have one hour. If I can't sleep much past dawn, then I am just going to have to get to bed earlier, socializing be damned.
I am running a huge sleep deficit, so I am going to take benedryl tonight, even though I have been able to get to sleep on my own for the last 4-5 days, and call it good enough. I have always functioned best on 8 hours of sleep per night, so I surely need more than the 4-5 hours I've been able to get lately. This evening after the movie I yawned the whole drive home, which doesn't seem terribly safe.
Good night to all my fellow BDers. May you have a restful evening.
Good night, Phoebe! Rest well!
Phoebe,
Catching up on some threads here. I enjoy being busy outside so when you mentioned doing things on your farm that sound nice, work but nice.
I am there with most of you on the sleep thing, it is the worst. You sound like a very sweet person and also strong so wish you well. Enjoy the arts and crafts project. Sleep well.
Thank you, Grl and Jzmill. I'm running late on my getting to sleep goal. I was waiting until I'm tired, and I think it's finally lights out time. (11:45, so still really early for me).
My dear sweet Phoebe.
My oh my what a ride you a have been on.
A busy bee indeed.
Getting affairs in order to ensure a fair outcome with the d proceedings.
And doing it with a sound mind and dare I say a strong hint of confidence?
A night out on the town and several miles outside of your comfort zone?
Well who would have thought, just a couple of short months ago that would be the order of the night?
I am glad you found some fun in it, in spite of some discomfort. It is good for the soul and the mind.
Your posts sound more upbeat and with a positive confidence, and this makes me smile.
You have proven to be a very strong woman that has taken on a challenge that none should ever have to endure.
Remember, when one door closes, another will open.
In your case, you are kicking in doors and taking names and you will find yourself in a place with joy beyond your wildest imagination.
Why, because you will have earned it.
My next challenge to you is to tackle the sleep thing.
Seek out alternatives to the meds, as they tend to throw the biological sleep clock very out of whack over time.
There are many different methods one could try.
A friend of mine had insomnia. He did many things and even saw a sleep specialist.
It came down to wearing ear plugs.
For me, it was the stay up all night reset.
It could be any number of possibilities for you.
My thought, is try some different things. Ween yourself off the sleep meds.
Sleep will return to a natural state for you?
It will help with the physical and mental health.
You deserve restful sleep.
You have earned it.
Sleep well dear phoebe.
Just checked out your F THAT meditation... Hilarious.
-
breathe in strength, breathe out bullsh1t. haha.
and with each breath, feel your body saying F@%# thaaaat.
-
Thank you for this.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, betterm. It helps me when I'm having a tough day and just need a laugh.
SparrowHawk, I am always so glad to see your posts. It comforts me to know that you are out there, pulling for me. I will take you up on the sleep challenge because I really want to be able o sleep normally again. I hadn't taken any sleep meds for days and eventually I really built up quite a deficit. I've been going nonstop (skating, hiking, walking, driving all over hill and dale), and I was exhausted.
I've been having a pretty quiet day, and haven't really accomplished much at all today. A neighbor was here for a couple hours (he wanted to know where I've been for the last 2 weeks because he never sees my car any more!), and I still have yet to get any of my projects done, or even started. I feel fine, mentally, just a little bit quiet inside and not so perky.
I'm still physically tired, despite getting a solid 8 hours of sleep last night. I just want to sit still and chill for the day. I think I'll just work on the chicks' brooder box project and call it good enough.
So apparently it's time for my weekend tsunami crash. Back to the old crying thing again. I must have used up all of my bravery on Friday when I went to the L.
When my neighbor was here today he wondered aloud what I did to make H hate me so much. He told me that one day when I wasn't here, he asked H why he didn't work on a specific project himself while I was gone. H said "If I don't do it right, Phoebe will kill me." The thing is, I would have probably been really happy if H had taken charge of something. He just almost never did. Neighbor also said that whenever I wasn't around, H talked a lot, but if I was there, H acted like he had nothing to say.
That reminded me how H said that I made him feel inferior and like he was a little boy. I loved H and he plainly felt like I emasculated him and overshadowed him. It just feels sh1tty.
Every weekend this sadness hits me, triggered by one thing or another. Maybe because, even if he was away during the week, H was always here on the weekends. Weekends are always so much harder for me.
I'm just sad and scared and lonely today. Cue the 2x4s.
No 2 x 4s for you. You have been very brave. It's another story for your neighbour. I would like to give him a big one on the head for his lack of a sensitivity chip.
Having said that, is there truth to what your neighbour said? Did H ever say the same thing to you? If your H didn't, then he couldn't expect you to mindread. I don't think your mindreading abilities were one of your attractions.... He was an adult. He could have raised his concerns to you.
If this is a valid concern, then this would be an area of 180 to work on. It still doesnt give him the right to walk out on you the way he did. He needs to own his own cr@p.
(((Phoebe))) It is normal to feel brave some days and not feel brave on others. We just have to make sure that that we don't wallow in the depths. And you sound like you've been doing a very good job of moving onwards and upwards.
I am not feeling too brave myself these few weeks. But a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.
Phoebe, is it your birthday today? Are you not spending it with family?
Here's a birthday (((((((((((Phoebe)))))))))) (or just a hug if it's not your bday.)
I'm sorry your H wasn't man enough or had the confidence to cherish your skills and abilities. It's no reflection on you. You don't seem like a critical harpy, I wonder if maybe H just didn't have the drive to match yours and it made him feel inferior about himself.
WH has said something along the same lines to me - that I talk to him like he's a child and that I am critical and never happy with him (perfectionist). I have tried to work on those habits, because they're not good behaviors and I know he had a point. I also feel like he put me in that role a bit, too. I know WH admired me and still does - but OW makes him feel better about himself.
It sounds like your H is engaging in very 'young' behavior and wants a very different lifestyle than you do. Don't take that personally.
I'm sorry you're having a bad day.
And I want to smack that neighbor of yours, talk about insensitive bafoon!
No, it's a fake birthday, but even if today has been a tough day, it was nothing compared to how bad my real birthday was. That was within a few days of when H ran away.
I was reading about Spousal Abandonment Syndrome today. All I know is that it svcks more than anything I've ever experienced. What's particularly hard is that so many people think I should be over it by now. I wish they understood that I don't want to feel this way. I'm not purposefully wallowing in this. I am doing everything I can to crawl out of the hole. I feel like I'm wearing out my support system, and that is apparently common in the SAS model.
I was really shaky this morning and showed my shaky hands to my father. His annoyed response: "well, why are you DOING it?!" Um… because I like to burn extra calories while standing still? What the he11? I said it started the day H left, and my dad replied "he must have incredible magic powers to still be able to cause that." My father has no empathy whatsoever. I showed my weakness and he was annoyed and scolding. I know the reality is that he's tired of seeing me being so messed up, but directing that frustration at me doesn't help me. It just reinforces the idea that I need to hide myself.
Just a day, and I'm hurting.
Thanks for your kindness Grl and Painter. It's nice to know that not everyone is fed up with my recovery pace.
Phoebe, sorry about your dad's response to you. You're right. He's annoyed because he sees you hurting and he doesn't know how to help you.
I have this problem with haters as well. They expect me to snap out of it. And like you, I am actually quite chipper in public. I only show my pain and hurt on the boards and to close friends. These people haven't walked a mile in our shoes.
I guess what we can do is to ignore these people. Move away from them and surround yourself with people who are kinder and more empathetic.
Now I need to smack your dad, too!?? Has he always been like this? Can your mom talk some sense into him?
I think it gets to me because WH could say things like that to me. Very little empathy.
Actually that's par for the course with my father. And no, my mother would not be able to talk any sense into him. It gives me something to laugh about with my therapist. I know he'll never change, yet I still keep looking to him for sympathy. Don't get me wrong. He has given me so much and has helped me so much over time, and I love him dearly, but as my grief counselor say, "You don't go to the hardware store for a loaf of bread."
My Mom is better lately, but my immediate family is not known for its empathy. They love me, but it doesn't always show the same way it does in other families. I've gotten one hug from the three of them in response to my pain in the last 6 months. Even my brother, when I told him about H said, "it happens." Yes, but it's never happened to me before.
Painter, if you want to come smack anyone around for me, you'd be most welcome! Maybe you could put my H first on your list, though?
Phoebe
I am sorry to hear that your family is that way. Mine is just as bad if not worse. Hugs!
Thanks, Jim. Sometimes all I can do is laugh about it, but it hasn't made the last 6 months any easier.
H was my main source of comfort and physical affection, and when he abdicated, there was not a lot of emotional support left in my life, and no physical affection. I kind of feel like I've had to invent my support system out of whole cloth. A little bit here, and a little bit there, a little more from somewhere else…
When I said that my therapist filled the role of the empathetic male figure in my life, I wasn't exaggerating.
I didn't grow up in an emotionally expressive family, either, and I'm definitely the most emotional one of the bunch (which would make you laugh if you knew me because I'm sooo rational and calm most of the time), but we were at least good with words. Although I remember when my BF was killed in an accident and my dad responded by writing a check...
He didn't want me to have to worry about money at the time, poor thing.
So why am I surprised that I married an emotionally withdrawn man?
Phoebe, this was an excellent group therapy session - thank you!
Yes, I'll start with your H! Then I'll come give you a big hug (and I won't even hit on you).
Wow. That is a very strange reaction to your BFs death, Painter.
I will say that the one hug I did get was from my father when I had my first breakdown/hyperventilating-sobbing attack two days after H left, and I was very grateful.
You know, on that note, there's another modality that I have yet to get involved with - group therapy. I don't even know how I'd get hooked up with a group, though.
I forgot to answer your questions, Grl.
No. I never heard the concerns from H about feeling inferior or that I treated him like a child until after he ran away. He also said hat he had no identity outside of being my husband. I'm not sure if these were long-term concerns of H that he did not share, or if they were rationalization she used to support his starting and then continuing down the slippery slope toward the affair and abandonment. Was he gaslighting or were they true complaints that he buried?
All I know is that hearing them hurt a lot. It's too late to do anything about those concerns within my MR, and it has just served to scare me about future relationship prospects.
Hey Phoebe, you know not to believe anything he says, right? Maybe just jot any concerns you gave on a notepad/journal you keep and discuss them with an IC if your truly concerned about carrying these flaws into any future relationships. I just find it strange that he'd never said anything about it until he's now probably looking for more reasons to justify his position in the sitch.
I know, betterm, it's just that I struggle to understand what the heck has happened to my MR. I want to grow from this damn mess, and improve myself.
I am stuck in an endless loop, trying to understand something I may never actually be able to understand because my H may not have understood it himself.
Remember the old phrase (there are a lot of variations, so I don't know who to credit), 'Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.' I don't want to ever repeat this experience.
I can understand that thought process for sure. I've always been one to overanalyze everything. And it took me a while before I understood what my WW was saying when she said over and over "you have no idea what you have caused", and while I do know most of my flaws that led to this situation I'm in, I don't know everything that I've caused my W to do in response to it.
I don't take responsibility for her actions, they are hers, and I don't know what all she has done to further hurt herself on top of what I may have caused, but the inner demons are definitely there, and I now know that asking her for more details will only lead to bad results,foe the exact reason you said... She doesn't even know why she would take part in the things that she's doing.
She's doing the very exact thing her ex sister in law did when her brother was getting divorced, and at that time, only the devil would do such things... Now, she's the one doing it, and it's all righteous. Go figure.
Yes, I'll start with your H! Then I'll come give you a big hug (and I won't even hit on you).
Lol!
I won't hit on any of you ladies hete too but if the drought lasts any longer....
Phoebe, I guess it may be a bit of both. You sound like a very strong woman and your H might have felt daunted by your awesomeness.
But for the time being, he is someone else's monkey.
So, today's been kind of difficult again. The good part of the day was going out for a nice hike with my new hiking friend/acquaintance and her daughter. We all identified a new bird and saw some cool things along the way.
Then it was time to see my L and sign all manner of paperwork. It just made me feel a bit ill and out of sorts. The L asked me when I last talked to or saw H, and was shocked when I said it was over 2 months ago. "He didn't even tell you he was filing for divorce?' Ummmm. No.
I just finished up with my therapist, and that was hard, too. I am really tired of crying all the time. I want to fast forward to the part where I am feeling better and this gaping wound has healed, but there's no way out but through, as they say.
My therapist asked me if H had ever told me why he chose to just disappear, rather than to tell me he was leaving. I stumbled around with some of the revisionist history, inferiority, etc. that H spewed at me, but my T said those were H's feelings, not an explanation for his actions. So. My final answer was, no, i still have not heard an explanation for why he chose to run away from home. I am pretty much just as confused today as I was in December. The only difference is that I know a lot more now than I did in the beginning. Knowledge does not equal understanding, unfortunately, but at least it's something.
I'm so tired that I may have to take a nap in the parking lot again. I need normal, satisfying sleep.
Good evening Phoebe.
I am sorry that I have not been as active here as I would like to be. I have been very busy and by the time I get some time, I am drop dead tired. But I have been peeking in and doing my best to keep up with you even if it is in silence.
You are doing really well in keeping active and doing the work. I am proud of all of the work you put in.
This post here is one that I want to share some thoughts with you on. Please know that they are purely my thoughts and come from my experience in progressing and moving forward. I also did some research on it and it helped in my decisions as I progress.
I know, betterm, it's just that I struggle to understand what the heck has happened to my MR. I want to grow from this damn mess, and improve myself.
I am stuck in an endless loop, trying to understand something I may never actually be able to understand because my H may not have understood it himself.
I think many LBS continue to struggle to understand what happened to the MR, because it is a normal part of the process. But, what I see is that the LBS that struggle longer than others, it is due to not accepting what is as what is. Basically rumination takes place and becomes the habit.
As you continue to try and piece the past together, what is the desired outcome? Will the knowledge of details change anything? Will it make the you feel better? Will there be a learning from the details?
I don't know. But I do know that the LBS that I see on these forums that are able to move forward and heal are the ones that accept what is, regardless of any specific details.
My IC really drove this point home with me when I could not seem to get past wanting to understand it all. The point came home to me when I realized that there was no scenario of details that would change anything, and all I could do was simply accept it.
Acceptance is key.You will grow and begin the journey of improvement once you accept it.
Acceptance is how you break the endless loop.
There is not another way.
Remember the old phrase (there are a lot of variations, so I don't know who to credit), 'Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.' I don't want to ever repeat this experience.
A good way not to repeat the past is to learn from it, for sure.
But my question here, is from what perspective does one look at the past?
History changes based on whomever is documenting the history, right.
I am sure a historian from Germany has written a very different history about the 2 world wars than the one we here in America have learned from American historians.
Why? Different perspectives and recollections of events and thoughts.
I bring this up, because your recollection of your MR will differ from your WH.
So what can you do to understand the past? Take a few minutes and review it from your perspective. Learn from what you know and start to put into action the things you must to do your part to have a better future. But, you must put a short time limit on this. If not, your own recollection will start to change the longer you look at it.
MWD strongly encourages looking forward with action plans and staying away from looking backward at all of the causes. She advises staying away from MC and IC's that want to just look at the causes and past issues. I think this is missed by many when referring to DBing.
My IC, helped me to understand the value of acceptance so I could move forward. He helped me focus on actions to handle the now and the future. I now appreciate his efforts.
Phoebe, my challenge to you now, is to focus on the now and forward. This is the next step for you. Rumination will not help. Continuing to look backwards will not benefit you the longer you do this. Looking backward to understand it all, and try and uncover every detail of why we are standing where we are is a task that will leave more questions than answers.
In my reading of your story, there are themes that I would say you know what you need to work on. I would say that there is not much more to try and learn.
Some thoughts to ponder.
Let go of the things that can no longer be fixed. If you force to try to put them back, things will only get worse. Holding on is being brave, but sometimes moving on makes you even tougher! -
unknown“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.” -Mandy HaleYou can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one. - unknown
Sometimes you need to walk away not to make someone else realize how worthy you are but for you to understand and acknowledge you own self worth. -Unknown
“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fcuk on.” -
TupacMy thoughts here are to help you try and break the pattern of pain and sadness. It is a needed part of the process, but the caution is to avoid letting it become a habit.
Sleep well my dear Phoebe. You are healing and getting stronger everyday. You are going to not simply survive this, but you will thrive, because that is who you are.
Yup. I slept about an hour in the parking lot. Being too tired to stay awake mid-day is becoming a bad habit. I almost never nap, and now I'm doing it in public?!?!
This evening I read some more from a book from my therapist, and the chapter about fear got me crying again. Good grief. I had been doing less of that, but it seems like the last few days have brought my emotions closer to the surface again. I think I'd like a bit of that old numbness to come back.
So my chicks are in their newly-expanded digs and were having a jolly time scratching and running around when I left them tonight. They really are quite amusing. They're at at age where they freak out anytime I get near them. I remember some of my chicks last year were the same way, and they all mellowed out eventually. My full grown girls were super sweet when I was out with them, tonight, crowding around me and letting me pet them. The cats are as sweet as ever.
I went out and walked my fields right at dark again. I love walking at the end of the day. It's so peaceful and quiet. Deer were out grazing, and it was just beautiful. I hope that we have a nice warm evening soon. The fireflies are out, but they put on their best displays when it's warm, and this past week has been downright chilly. I have the heat on, actually.
My land brings me so much comfort and solace. H is gone, but the world, and particularly my little corner of it, is still a beautiful place.
Oh how I wish I could be there on your land and enjoy the sensation of the scenery.
You share it so well that I can picture it and almost feel like I am standing there.
I really miss living in a place with such nature and beauty.
Phoebe, I'm so glad you had a calm evening and could enjoy the beauty of your property. It is really soothing for the soul.
Every night just before complete dark, my son and I walk the dog. We live in a nice neighborhood with lots of parks and mature trees, and everyone seems to have gardening as their main hobby, so we pass many beautiful little displays. They use a lot of rocks in their gardens here, which reminds me of my home country. There are lots of different birds, rabbits, squirrels and chipmunks (which I had never seen before I came here!) to entertain us and the dog on our walks.
The 'blue hour' is my favorite time of day. I love it when all the shadows grow darker, while horizontal surfaces like lakes and rivers and grassy fields still reflect the sky and seem to light up more in contrast.