Making big move to live with wife having an affair - 05/24/16 10:45 AM
I am eight years older than my wife. My wife and I have been physically apart for a couple of years. This is most of our marriage. We visit every few months and talk everyday on Skype. She is a volatile person and from time to time we fight about money (she makes more) and sometimes she acts like I am trying to take advantage of the fact that she has greater means. She has also claimed that I am not sexually aggressive enough and says she thinks I am not attracted to her. This is actually not true. We just have different sexual schedules and never seem to want to do it at the same time. She has threatened divorce numerous times and claims that I have disappointed her. She always comes around and apologizes though. I know she is very unhappy being alone and I chalk a lot of it up to that.
I finally got a job where she lives and I am moving there in a month or so. We will finally make the same amount of money, which I thought would solve a lot of those problems.
Shortly after I got the job, she was unfaithful. This was about 3 weeks ago. She called me crying in the middle of the night to tell me. Honestly, I was upset, but not freaking out. We even joked about it (we had discussed having an open marriage in the past). Later she told me she went out to dinner with the guy. This hurt and this scared me. She said she was having feelings for him. I told her I thought this was natural in a marriage, but that she simply couldn't act on them.
Later she admitted that she had been having a full-on affair with the guy--sexually and emotionally. I was devastated, but still willing to forgive. I told her she need to cut it off but she told me she couldn't. She said he made her feel more protected and that the sex was great. At the same time, she told me that there were things about him she could never get past and that he was in no way a better man than me.
Later, she told me she cut it off, but I suspect that she is not being truthful. She doesn't talk to me or call me during times when she used to and she is being very distant. The last time she told me she loved me was to tell me our marriage was dead via text message. Later, we continued to talk on Skype as if this had never been said.
I honestly think she has cold feet about finally living together for real, but I'm afraid an irreparable wound in our marriage will develop before we see each other again and try to resolve these issues. I'm also afraid that I will perform poorly at my dream job because I will be so consumed with the death of my marriage.
I've read some posts about 180s and so forth, but, since we are apart, my power to do these things is limited. I'm very conflicted, because she told me before that she felt unloved or asked me why I didn't love her anymore (she has abandonment issues), so not talking to her or telling her I love her seems like it would feed into this. (It's not true by the way. Everyone who has seen us together has said that I have been the loving one and she has been the distant one).
I don't know what to do. I just want to fix my marriage, but I'm afraid it's already over because of my wife's habit of making impulsive decisions.
I finally got a job where she lives and I am moving there in a month or so. We will finally make the same amount of money, which I thought would solve a lot of those problems.
Shortly after I got the job, she was unfaithful. This was about 3 weeks ago. She called me crying in the middle of the night to tell me. Honestly, I was upset, but not freaking out. We even joked about it (we had discussed having an open marriage in the past). Later she told me she went out to dinner with the guy. This hurt and this scared me. She said she was having feelings for him. I told her I thought this was natural in a marriage, but that she simply couldn't act on them.
Later she admitted that she had been having a full-on affair with the guy--sexually and emotionally. I was devastated, but still willing to forgive. I told her she need to cut it off but she told me she couldn't. She said he made her feel more protected and that the sex was great. At the same time, she told me that there were things about him she could never get past and that he was in no way a better man than me.
Later, she told me she cut it off, but I suspect that she is not being truthful. She doesn't talk to me or call me during times when she used to and she is being very distant. The last time she told me she loved me was to tell me our marriage was dead via text message. Later, we continued to talk on Skype as if this had never been said.
I honestly think she has cold feet about finally living together for real, but I'm afraid an irreparable wound in our marriage will develop before we see each other again and try to resolve these issues. I'm also afraid that I will perform poorly at my dream job because I will be so consumed with the death of my marriage.
I've read some posts about 180s and so forth, but, since we are apart, my power to do these things is limited. I'm very conflicted, because she told me before that she felt unloved or asked me why I didn't love her anymore (she has abandonment issues), so not talking to her or telling her I love her seems like it would feed into this. (It's not true by the way. Everyone who has seen us together has said that I have been the loving one and she has been the distant one).
I don't know what to do. I just want to fix my marriage, but I'm afraid it's already over because of my wife's habit of making impulsive decisions.