Hi
My wife told me 4 weeks ago she wanded to separate, no happy, loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore! Next day when pressed she stated she was having an EA but not a PA out of respect for me, but felt she could have a relationship with this person in the future!
What follow was a week from hell, live separate life's in he same house, she told parent and discussed it with another family member and did a complete turn around, asked me to move to a new house/area to start again, I agreed and we had 1 1/2 good weeks before she stated she had met OM again and had feeling for him!
That's was 1/2 week ago, she has spoke to parent again who have stated they are disgusted in her behaviour and cant believe she would do this to our 3 children and that I treat her like a princess!
She stated we have a great life, I'm a great husband, dad etc, but can't shake feelings for the OM 23 years her senior!! We continue to live together as she seem not able to tell me her plans, I have start the detaching process, she keeps asking me where I'm going, who with, can't understand why I don't want to talk all the time! She says she needs space and time however it pretty clear she is seeing OM.
I struggling with GAL as I'm so heart broken! Any advice would be good
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Hi Blueboy. Welcome to the community. I think the most encouraging piece I can give you is to tell you that I was a wayward wife.........and my M was saved. This DB board has helped so many people in saving their marriages......and even more importantly, saving themselves. So I encourage you to read everything on Cadet's list, post every chance you have, and stick with us. This is not going to be fixed overnight.
Most newcomers are in panic palace when they get here and their mind racing and feelings bouncing all over the place. They feel the urgency to do SOMETHING to stop the spouse from leaving or filing for divorce. Your challenge right now is to try and calm yourself. The more afraid you are, the more chance you will react the wrong way.
In most cases here on the board, things get worse before getting better. So, when you think it's getting worse, it doesn't necessarily mean you are doing something wrong. Okay?
You need a guide to know how to interact with her, what to do, etc. Sandi's rules may be able to get you started.
Let me ask some questions. What are the ages of you and wife, and the kids? Has anything similar ever happened in the past? Either of you ever have inappropriate contact with another person? How has your sex life been the past few years?
The more you can tell us about the marital history, the more it helps us to see the overall picture.
Hi blue, I'm sorry to see you here, but you are in the right place... Listen to Sandi, she is one of the respected vets here and I'll help you stay the course... Right now my advice to you would be don't get into relationship talks with your WW, trust me when I say it takes time to know how to handle them...
There are lots of people willing to listen here, so spew your questions and anger here, not to your W.
I'm 40 and she is 37, Kids are 10, 12, we have been together 19 years, I had inappropriate contact with someone early in our marriage over 7 years ago, thought we had work through I've work hard to address my issue, people often comment I'm the perfect husband and dad, think I've over done it at times! Sex life has always been good, but has reduce in the last 12 months. Wife lost a a lot of weigh 2 years ago and has change from a we on who love her kids to someone who what to go out, on a regular basis, going out with a other married mum who is know for PA, never worried as thought we were solid as my wife always state she couldn't understand her behaviour.
I guess karma gets you in the end
How long does moderation take as I'm not sure if I've lost my last post or is it awaiting moderation
WW has just ask me if its ok to introduce the children to OM if she decides to move in with him! It's like jumping in to a bath of ice.
Still sleeping in same bed, which is like a slow death.
Advice would be helpful, trying to do DB but it so hard
blueboy,
I am sorry you are going through the same situation that many of us on this forum are. We are here to support.
With respect to your W introducing the kids to OM, you need to understand and communicate your boundary on this matter to your W. Please make sure you read the link that Cadet posted on boundaries.
Post your answer here for good advice from the vets to ensure your response is appropriate before you respond to your W.
What follow was a week from hell, live separate life's in he same house
Is she calling you separated in the marriage? If so, how exactly are you separated? I mean, she still shares the MBR, right? Why isn't she sleeping elsewhere? Have the bank accounts and credit cards been separated? Is she paying equally on household expenses, car, insurance, etc.? Any property separated? How about family activities? Have either of you separated yourselves from joining together in those things? Has anything changed?
She is caught up in a fantasy, probably of her own making. She will remain in this fantasy as long as she doesn't have to deal with reality. As long as she gets part of her needs by you and the rest of her needs by OM.......she won't end the A. Her selfishness will supersede
everything else.
Do you know if this OM has reciprocated her admiration? Is he married, have children at home? How long has she worked with him?
Her actions/behavior with this OM started b/c she lost respect for you as a man/husband.
Before she can have loving feelings for you again, she will have to respect you. That is how women are wired. We don't like it, but that's how it is.
I don't know what happened in the past, however, I dare say over the years she has held onto resentments. And, btw, a man doesn't have to be involved in anything particularly, in order for the W to feel resentment. In time, she feels more and more disrespect for him. It often shows in her attitude, and in how she talks to him, etc. Does any of this sound familiar?
After your own inappropriate contact with the opposite sex, and you tried to become the perfect H (and onlookers thought you were), I am curious as to what did you do to obtain that position? Without knowing if you had an A or any of the details, I am going to take a wild guess and you can tell me if I am anywhere in the ball park. I bet you felt really bad about whatever happened. To make it up to your W, you became what you thought was a perfect H. You treated her like a princess, being very attentive to all her needs and catering to all her wishes. You would bend over backward to make her happy (by doing whatever she wanted), staying home and mainly engaging in only kids/family activities.
Did you and your W receive professional help when you worked through your issues seven years ago.....or did you seek individual counseling?
WW has just ask me if its ok to introduce the children to OM if she decides to move in with him! It's like jumping in to a bath of ice.
You look straight into her eyes and say, "Are you asking my permission to introduce my children to the guy who is
doing my wife? Incredible"!! Shake your head and walk away.
You will discover that a WW will ask or say some incredibly stupid things. If it catches you off guard, just stare at her as if she has lost her mind, shake your head and turn away.
Have you been following the 37 rules? Read the homework assignment?
Hi Sandi
Nothing in the house has changed other than her having time away from the house to have space to think, more then likely seeing OM, and saying she wants separate. We have had family dinners all together etc!
OM was meet on night out and then they chat via Facebook he is 23 year older than my W, he's wife left him after an A, my wife says they have a lot in common.
I had a A, and the commited to fix my issue and pretty much did exactly as you have wrote, it amazing how close you have got.
We had no help as wife wanted no one to know, I had help for breavement as my mum dead from a brain tumor, a couple year before my A, I didn't handle my mum death very well and realise after A hoe bigger impact it had on me!
I have read the 37!
Could really do with some advice Sandi, I've begin using the tips in the home work! W seems shock by my 180, from passive pleasing to look to get my respect back.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hello Blueboy,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Sounds like your wife is cake eating. She is wanting the best of both worlds without any of the consequences. How are you doing to handle the conversation about having the kids meeting OM?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Spoke to the W last night and explain that we can't live in limbo land, asked her to move out of bed as sharing a bed whilst she is seeing OM is not on, and that she need to pay half towards cost of running house whilst we sale if this is what see really wants!
She couldn't understand way I was being like this as it a mutual split, to which I informed her, no you are leaving me for OM!
I then went out and when I came back she had been drinking and told me everything was my fault, she told me that I don't love her and never have! That what she is doing is because of me and is my fault!
She seem generally shocked and keep asking me what I'm doing, where I'm going! She seemed tearful this morning as she left for work...
I will get back with you in a couple of hours, hopefully.
Thanks Sandi
I'm feeling more detached, I want my wife back but know that I can only control me, not her!
It's almost like a someone has taken over her body!
Blue- I am not a vet but will say that seems you have been doing well w/ techniques. I have been struggling to detach from H as we are home often together. I sympathize with you- my H not recognizable at the moment. It saddens me. Take care of yourself and continue with what learning. The bets here know their stuff.
Sandi- not to steal thunder but if have chance could use help on Q's I posted yesterday. Thanks.
OM was meet on night out and then they chat via Facebook
Are you saying that she is dating the OM?
Spoke to the W last night and explain that we can't live in limbo land, asked her to move out of bed as sharing a bed whilst she is seeing OM is not on, and that she need to pay half towards cost of running house whilst we sale if this is what see really wants!
She has caused you to be in an open marriage, by having a third party. ....If she doesn't end the affair, Is this a deal breaker for you?
She seem generally shocked and keep asking me what I'm doing, where I'm going! She seemed tearful this morning as she left for work...
Maybe b/c there were no immediate changes when you first learned about her unfaithfulness, she assumed everything would continue to be chummy. She would move in with the OM, and keep you as her BFF.......and Plan B......just in case OM didn't work out.
Okay, so at least you have made a move in the right direction. She is cheating on you, so she does not continue enjoying the intimacy of sharing the marital bed with you. The MBR represents more than just the larger bedroom in the house. It is where the M couple share their most intimate times. It is the room the kids know belongs to mom & dad, who are a union that excludes others. When your W involved herself with the OM, she brought her feelings/thoughts for him into the marital bed. That's not cool.
Let her act shocked, dumbfounded and look like a deer staring at headlights! She knows right from wrong. No matter how foggy her brain may be.......SHE KNOWS RIGHT FROM WRONG, and it should not be excused. And, don't let her pull the guilt card on you.
I don't want to repeat a lot I have written on my other threads about the wayward wife. The link to the first thread is at the bottom page of Sandi's rules. I really hope you will read about the WW, Blueboy. She has to respect you, in order to have those in love feelings again. This is a process, and hopefully, having her move out of the MBR and splitting the bills......is the first step of getting closer to respect than she was the day before.
Don't misunderstand what I am about to tell you. You are not her daddy, and therefore, you cannot control her. However, you will see her acting very childish at times. You may feel that you are the only responsible adult in the house. She will remind you of a rebellious teenager. With that in mind, realize that you will have to remain calm and stand firmly in the boundaries you lay.
Boundaries are made to protect us. When you think of boundaries in a relationship, you have to think of an invisible circle drawn around yourself. You, Blueboy, are the only one who decides what crosses over that invisible line........and what doesn't. It is up to YOU to protect your feelings, b/c nobody else will do it.
It boils down to what you decide you will tolerate and won't tolerate. If you decide you will not allow another person to scream in your face, or verbally put you down, or make snide remarks..........what can you do to protect your sense of value, your dignity, your place of respect in the home? Well, you can always walk away from the offender. That action does not always prove to very effective, b/c the other person really has no consequences, except maybe losing your presence a little while. For a boundary to be effective, the one who crosses the line should have some type of consequences (nothing physical) for not respecting your boundary line. Otherwise, you will always be leaving, walking away, and running from those who do not respect you.
That's the same way with relationship boundaries. In traditional wedding vows, it is pretty clearly stated that the couple promises to be faithful to their spouse. Whenever a woman loses respect for her H, it could be a matter of time before she also loses respect for the M........and her vows seem to be washed away. Now, it's all about her FEELINGS. Are there boundaries in your M, or is it open to anything goes? Does she really know what you will not put up with? Apparently, she wasn't expecting to leave the.marital bed.
Setting boundaries are not hard, once you understand it is not about controlling or punishing her. It is about protecting yourself.
There is a lot of reading ahead. I hope you understand what you read before plunging into something and make matters worse for you. When in doubt, come to the board and ask.
Yes it looks like she is dating OM, she say it not sexual and they are just hanging out and going for a drink!
An open marriage is a deal breaker for me, I feel like a zombie!
Sandi
I haven't got a clue what to do, I love her, would de anything to fix this but can tolerate what she is doing!
blueboy - one thing I've learned in my own journey is that you cannot fix HER - you can only fix yourself. I've done it all, give W things to read, sent encouraging text messages, begged, pleaded, openly wept, nothing had any impact but to make her colder and more distant.
First take a good hard look at yourself. Do you like the MAN you see in the mirror? If not, start working on that. Not for HER but for yourself and your family. For me it's helped me rediscover who I was before I was lost and who I am now. It also turns out that my W seems to like that guy and has started moving closer towards me. Tentatively and I have to keep from being hopeful but there is definite movement.
Good luck in your own journey. It won't be easy but the reward at the end when you look again into that mirror will be worth it.
blueboy - one thing I've learned in my own journey is that you cannot fix HER - you can only fix yourself. I've done it all, give W things to read, sent encouraging text messages, begged, pleaded, openly wept, nothing had any impact but to make her colder and more distant.
First take a good hard look at yourself. Do you like the MAN you see in the mirror? If not, start working on that. Not for HER but for yourself and your family. For me it's helped me rediscover who I was before I was lost and who I am now. It also turns out that my W seems to like that guy and has started moving closer towards me. Tentatively and I have to keep from being hopeful but there is definite movement.
Good luck in your own journey. It won't be easy but the reward at the end when you look again into that mirror will be worth it.
The worse thing she keep telling me I'm a brilliant dad and husband and it gonna to killer her see me with someone else!
I just can't stand the mind games!
blueboy - you'll also want to read sandi2's great posts on the mind of a WW by the sounds of it. She's buttering you up so that you'll stick around as her Plan B. Just imagine that she's trying to sell you a used car instead of the great things she says. One other strategy that a WW will use (my own tried) is to try to push you on to someone else to make their own guilt less.
We have sat down and agreed that we need to start acting like a couple who have separated, not more best friend talk, no more family meals, no more living in limbo land.
I love her and would do anything to sort this out, but need to be treated with respect!
She can't eat cake and have me as back up anymore, I have to set boundaries.
She cried in bed last night and told me she loves me for what it's worth!
Hurting bad, but feeling stronger each day, just need to get a life!
Yes it looks like she is dating OM, she say it not sexual and they are just hanging out and going for a drink!
As if to say it is okay to date others when you are in a marriage.
She loves you.......for what it's worth? But if pushed, she would not think it's worth giving up OM.
We have sat down and agreed that we need to start acting like a couple who have separated, not more best friend talk, no more family meals, no more living in limbo land.
I love her and would do anything to sort this out, but need to be treated with respect!
She can't eat cake and have me as back up anymore, I have to set boundaries.
She cried in bed last night and told me she loves me for what it's worth!
Hurting bad, but feeling stronger each day, just need to get a life!
Does this mean the two of you plan to continue staying in the same house together?
Have you thought more about your boundaries and what they are and how to state them?
This can be turned around. It is going to take a lot of tough love on your part.
[quote]Yes it looks like she is dating OM, she say it not sexual and they are just hanging out and going for a drink!
As if to say it is okay to date others when you are in a marriage.
[quote]
Does this mean the two of you plan to continue staying in the same house together?
Have you thought more about your boundaries and what they are and how to state them?
This can be turned around. It is going to take a lot of tough love on your part [\quote]
No, I've told her we can't live together in Limbo land, my boundaries will not allow it.
I've told her we need to be apart, until this is resolved one way or another, my plan is to share parenting, but not be together in the house! i.e who on duty is at home and the other need to be away and we can't see each other daily! And that she need to pay half the cost of running the house!
I've told her I need to move on with my life with or without her!
She was up for 3 hours in the night down stairs and then couldn't be in the same room as me this morning as she found it upsetting!
But want to make dinner to put in the freezer encase one of us need it, and couldn't understand why I didn't want her to do my washing!
W on the phone crying now, keep saying she need time to think can't stop crying!
Life a bloody roller coaster!
Seeing Lawyer, need to understand were I stand.
Wife want to talk about how we tell the children tonight.
Treated myself to some new clothes today, need to start work on me, sent the last 7 years being what she need!
Well thing seem truly over!
God closes a door so that we can get an axe and chop a whole through the wall and find our way out.
DDJ, I hope so mate, I hope so!
Told her to take responsiblity for her actions and how it's made me feel and that I'm not being treated like she has been doing! She cried and admitted she had f@@k up and made a mistake! I told her she has to stop blaming other poeple!
I've told her we can't live together whist we are like this!
Wasted words tho. You just need to protect what little you have left and rebuild.
True made me feel better thou!
She is in small txt mode, told me I shocked the [censored] out of her!
Sorry for your situation. First off, stop treating her like a queen. Easier said than done if you have been doing this for the whole M.
I am in the exact situation, wife wants space etc. Give it to her. She will do what she wants anyway. The space is for you. If you have little ones then make sure you don't neglect their needs. A hard balancing act for sure because you will still need to communicate with her about that.
Sorry to hear your going through this, remember you are not alone!
Sandi
When you say tough love, what do you mean, how tough is tough?
Any advice would be good!
Wife want me to go through the process of selling house and telling everyone this is mutual separation as she doesn't want to be seen leaving the family home for another man!
blueboy,
She's leaving you for another man, breaking up your family and making you sell the house and she wants you to tell everyone that it's mutual.
What advice would you give someone else if they told you the same thing that you told us?
To tell everyone what she is upto!
I did made a mistake 7 years ago and had a short affair and but held my hand up apologise, I have spent the last 7 years making amends in every way being a amazing husband and dad! Putting up with her put downs and bad behaviour!
She seem to think two wrongs make a right and its all about the children, just so she can hold her head high! Her words "I don't want to be seen leaving the family home"
I'm not prefect but have the balls to hold my hand up when I make a mistake!
Hey blueboy, I just posted on betterm about dropping the rope. It's literally just walking away, physically, emotionally, financially. Offer no support and focus on yourself.
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. If you can walk away then do it. If you can kick her out, definitely do it. But do not cover up her affairs. Don't let her spin her story.
I've walked away phyically, financially, find emotionally diffficult!
We are live separately from the weekend!
Wife want to talk about how we told the kids and now gone missing in car crying!
Told me she love me, than rang to say it was in a do anything for you way!
Well we have told the children, really need to drop the rope and work on myself and my 3 beautiful children!
Blueboy, as long as your conscience is clear and you know that you're doing what is right then you can't go wrong.
Focus on your kids, literally, take no note of your WW. Acknowledge her, but no note.
Can't believe, I'm 40 years old and having to rebuild me life from rock bottom!
4 weeks ago I know where I was going and had plans now I living day by day!
Would you rather rebuild at 40, or be stuck in the same rut you were actually in.
I love my wife, I believe deep down she love me!
They way I'm viewing it is ether I look after myself and move on our she realises that she love me and shows willing to sort.
Only time will tell!
Screw up, let the W talk me into change plans with kids, acted like a doormat this most stop! Also used girls as a opener, the girls want to send quality time with you!
Soften me up texting me about sons football tourenment all day!
God, got it detach and go dark!
Blueboy, you're not putting yourself first. What do you want, what do you want to do. If you're thinking bout hurting her feelings or pushing her away then you're doing it wrong. Don't not care, just don't show it.
Thanks, your right, need not to so it!
Seeing a friend for a beer later so will feel better and gym tomorrow!
blueboy, I know exactly how you feel, I feel the same way. My WW left for 5 days, she is still gone. When she left she gave big hugs and kisses and said she would call when she got there. I never heard from her until 9 the next day...because I texted her. It is that kind of action from me that lets her know she still has me by the balls. I am 40 also, looking to rebuild and have now idea what I am doing day to day. The difference is my WW doesn't know what she wants,she says one thing and does another. I told her today that I didn't want to live in the fringes anymore, gave her a list of questions and concerns about living in the same house. She said that she would call to discuss on her drive home tonight, I have no expectations for that...but still hope. I almost wish she would have just told me that she was leaving me for another, I would be able to start healing...but right now just stuck in neutral...on a hill..headed down the hill backwards.
Wife has just text me to ask how I am?
Not sure how to respond?
Will we have begin the process of not seeing each other and only being in the house when we each have the kids.
Not sure if this is the right thing in term trying to save M, but it seems the best thing for me.
She txt's me, if I didn't answers she rings me within 10 minutes.
She txt and rings me more now the when we were together!!
WAW has told MiL that she finally feels in control of her life!
Any ideas what that means!
Blueboy, Sandi says that a woman only has space in her heart for one man. This means that our WWs don't care about us anymore, they really don't. DB'ing is about us caring about ourselves.
I'm saying this because your WW is probably temp checking to make sure that she still has a place in your heart. You need to act smooth and aloof, like she's a chick chasing you down, but you're too busy eyeing the other chick in the corner.
She's says she feels she's in control because you have given her some space. Feeling in control and being in control are two different things!
Confused what to do, I pressed for a physical separation thinking this my cause her loss, however it just appear to have made her more determine to pursue a R with OM.
I feel like I have lost everyone, I not sure what do do know? Would really appreciate an advise!
Do I just carry on DB'ing?
Blueboy, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. You don't want to cause her loss, you insanely want to cause yourself loss. More loss than you already experienced. You are addicted to your WW, you need to lose that addiction.
Reread the detachment threads and refocus on yourself. If she wants a R with OM, then so be it. Do you really want to be a third wheel? Do you want to be plan B?
You can live your life waiting for a miracle or you can go out and make your own one.
Hi DDJ
Your right, it just hard to turn off, and to do want I need.
I don't want to be plan B, I suppose I keep wishing sadly that she realises I'm her plan A!
How things going for you?
You need to learn, you don't want to stay in limbo land.
Things are going good, I caught myself skipping in the passage, yes, like an 8 year old girl, skipping. Inside I know i'm happy, I know i'm making the right decisions for me.
Right now you can't see past tomorrow, but you will and when that day comes everything will be more clear. Have you set yourself daily goals yet?
My WW was crying in the shower, as I was playing in the room with our son. Normal DDJ would go in and console and ask whats wrong. Instead I 180'd and let her feel her pain. This emotional ride is hard on them too, but if you feel their pain then it will just drag you down - dealing with your own pain is hard enough.
Well been starting to work on myself last night and today!
Last night had a nice meal with friends and a couple of drinks!
Today I've been out and brought new work clothes, I would usually spend my on the W and kids before looking after myself!
Dropped a couple of sizes due to weight lose from all the stress!
W coming around tonight to discuss sale house, going to try and detach and validate!
Good luck Blueboy. Just nod and wave.
Meeting with W went well, she seem to be surprised I wasn't a broken man! I'm controlling my side now for me, feeling stronger all the time!
W has now started to complain about money, I've ask that she pay half the household bills if she is to remain in the house, until It is sold!
She agreed and now crying that she has no money and it not fair, how about its not fair that you choose to go to a bar and get involved with someone else!
She is currently rewriting history by becoming Mother Earth when she hasn't been interested in the last 18 months!
Decided to take the kids away on holiday for the weekend, try and give them quality time and give me a change of surroundings!
Going to take some books, games and maybe a couple of beers!
Leave W to carry on her path, following my own path now!
Sounds like a great idea.
Loving the strength blueboy.
Let her own her tears. WW asked me why I never came into the shower the other night when she was crying... I said, it's your tears.
Not very validating. Lol
Honest tho.
I don't feel strong, but I just try to stay a float in a rough sea, hoping to see a lighthouse to guide me home!
Did have a great night asked her to change her mind again, started pursing again! Can't believe I did it!
Did have a great night asked her to change her mind again, started pursing again! Can't believe I did it!
Meant to say I didn't have a great night!
It's fine blueboy. There is strength in you. You will find it!
There's always tomorrow. You've lost nothing.
True, I'm no worst of than I was at the start of the day!
Thats the right mentality in this challenge and life as a whole.
You fall, dust yourself off and get back onto the horse. Do that everyday until you don't fall off the horse. Never give up on yourself.
This morning has been hard, took all my energy just to get out of bed! Just want to stay in there for the rest of my life!
Manage to have some to eat and a shower, never know I could hurt this bad!
Picked up kids to go on holiday of weekend, W seemed very upset!
Tried to sort out my clothes to take, I said no that not your responsibility! Then tried to give me a hug, I back away and said no thankyou!
She can't have me and OM, she has to live with her choices!
She keep ring kids twice in 4 hours and has asked to speak to me! Asking how it going are you having a lovely time! Like a dude I spoke to her! Not sure what she is playing at!
Mind games?
Just b/c a WW has another man, doesn't mean she won't keep tabs on her H. She wants to maintain a certain level of control in his life.
Why, I don't understand why you would?
It seem a strange thing to do!
It is a waste of energy trying to figure out why. Sometimes there is no why. It is how it is.
Best wishes.
True I spent enough energy to power a small city, trying to understand, workout what happened and why.
Trying so hard to detach, but it so hard when it not what you want!
Im no closer to detaching either. Just got to work at it. I know im growing numb to a few things that only a few weeks ago had me going crazy. Im even sleeping better now.
Why, I don't understand why you would?
It seem a strange thing to do!
Yes, it is, but the WW has quite a few illogical behaviors. As I have previously said, the WW is motivated by her selfishness. She is also jealous. She may not want to be the LBH's W............but that does not stop a lot of WW's from being jealous of their "position" they held in the H's life. In other words, they aren't ready to see anyone replace them as the H's new woman/wife.
It seems the majority of WW's are extremely manipulative in the life of the LBH (even if she leaves him). So many nice-guy H's have been led around by the nose for years and don't stand up to the manipulation..........and/or bully tactics of his WW. Therefore, she's out there making a new life, yet, she is controlling her H's life to do as she wants.
Some WW's secretly do not want to see their LBH moving on happily without them. Oh, they may say they want their H's to find someone else, etc., but they really want him staying home and pining away for her. Yes, it sounds crazy..........but then, so does the rest of their mind set.
Hi Sandi
I take you don't think there any chance my W could make a U turn, she seem very unwilling to tell people were are separating, she is very emotional, pushing all Friend and family away! I suppose I'm holding out for a change of heart!
There is always hope. But do not wait for it by putting yourself on hold.
No, that's not what I was saying at all. However, I believe WW's seldom do a U-turn. When I think of a U-turn, I think of a rapid and compete turnaround. In most cases, it is not quick enough for the H, and usually it comes in backward nd forward baby steps, Instead a one time U-turn.
It is a process for the WW to work through every thing required for her to become the W he wants again.
I have seen few newcomer H's who appear to have taken the bull by the horns and respond as effectively as I have seen in you. It is not easy for the H to stand tall, strong, and firmly. He gets tired and discouraged and begins to doubt if there is hope. I believe there is a lot of hope in your case.
We will see, keeping strong is difficult!
Having a couple of cool beers overlooking some nice view at the moment!
Sometimes wonder if I'm pushing to hard and fast?
Now the W has txt and called me 4 times because she can't found a comb!
Didn't answer so called my dad, wanting to know where I am, dad told her I don't know!
I final answered, she said she was worried and want to know where I'm sleeping, what's it got to do with her!
You don't have to feel strong. You just keep going. That is strong
Listen to sandi, she has helped many a lbs in such situations.Her advice can only help.
W ring me or txt me everyday, I'm trying to think of a way of change my availability, I've limited by not responding! However this seem to just make her chase harder more calls and txt's
Also wants to know where I am, what I'm doing etc!
Not sure what to do?
Thinking of messaging something like this to her "I can't be on the end of a phone for you all the time, that changed when your feeling for me changed, unless it an emergency or something that can't wait"
Hope that I will come out the other side a better person or hope that W may change her mind?
W ring me or txt me everyday, I'm trying to think of a way of change my availability, I've limited by not responding! However this seem to just make her chase harder more calls and txt's
Also wants to know where I am, what I'm doing etc!
Not sure what to do?
Sometimes the W chasing you is a positive step, (meaning she is getting more interested in your life), and then sometimes it is her wanting more control....or to even keep you attached to her. Which do you think it is?
If it is unwanted and you find it a nuances, then make yourself more unavailable and not respond to her texting throughout your working hours, at the
least. Don't answer anything that is not a direct question that merits an answer. I suggest you tell her that during working hours, you had rather wait till the end of the day to text.....unless it is an emergency.
Thinking of messaging something like this to her "I can't be on the end of a phone for you all the time, that changed when your feeling for me changed, unless it an emergency or something that can't wait"
I understand, and I don't blame you for feeling that way. If you want to reconcile with her at some point, I'd suggest you not come across as if you are wanting to punish her.
How about something like, "Considering our situation, I'm sure you'll understand that my availability to you has changed. Please do not ask my parents or others about my whereabouts unless it is extremely urgent". Don't know if that's any better wording, b/c I'm not that great at it, myself.
If she is one of these people who continually talk all day long by texting, then you'll probably need to be more blunt. And, if she is simply trying to keep tabs on your life as a way to control......then, I'd say go with your first example.
[quote]
Sometimes the W chasing you is a positive step, (meaning she is getting more interested in your life), and then sometimes it is her wanting more control....or to even keep you attached to her. Which do you think it is?
I'm not sure, when thing have been good in the passed she has always been keen to exchange txt and call! Even got a X today which I've asked her not to do!
She hadn't been calling me or txt me at all leading upto the I don't love you speech!
She seem very emotional when I dropped the kids off after the weekend away, what to know everything! Commented that she was finding it hard etc
Blu, you are doing exceptionally well... Your WW is noticing your absence, she is reaching out to you to get your back in her grasp. Keep doing what you are doing. Don't answer every text, and when you do need to answer, at least wait a few hours to respond. If she keeps calling over and over, maybe pick up one of the calls, just say "I'm busy now and can't talk, I will call you back later" and disconnect.
You have peaked her curiosity, you are starting to become interesting to her, of course all of it is for not until she leaves the OM, but if you become more interesting that is what she will want to do.
[quote]
I understand, and I don't blame you for feeling that way. If you want to reconcile with her at some point, I'd suggest you not come across as if you are wanting to punish her.
I would like to but I just can't see it happening, I have little or no hope or expectation!
At Children handover W seem really down, commented she was very sad and stressed! She all commented that she looked rough!
Was asking why I wasn't answering phone or txt quickly, I explain that ate circumstances had changed and I'm busy sorting my life
She however did notice I've brought new shoes
Focus on you. Check/notice what W is doingbbut do not concentrate on that.
I think you are doing well and would not rule out reconciliation happening.But that is just my opinion and I am no expert. However what I have observed here is that it can move fast or really slowly and the LBS cannot control that. He can hinder it though. To avoid doing that follow the rules and the advice from Sandi. Focus on you.
The txting continues, I'm keeping distance, not rising to reply and keeping them sort!
She has now sent me a picture of the kids as she has took them out for the day! Not sure why she has done this, and what this action means!
Trying to focus on me, but her behaviour seems odd!
She seem very emotional when I dropped the kids off after the weekend away, what to know everything! Commented that she was finding it hard etc
She is beginning to experience the results of her decisions. When she makes these type of statements, she's wanting you to comfort her. Don't do it. You don't have to say anything or act cold.........just don't respond to her pity party. There is a time when a H would comfort/support his W when she is unhappy........but this is not the time.
She is feeling that sense of losing her control......and maybe the position she had in your life. This is exactly what you want her to experience at this point.
Your dad is handling her calls well. I'm sure it is nuance to him, b/c I've had the same situation. She is trying to keep you in place (which she believes is under her thumb), and she wants to know your whereabouts at all times.
She hadn't been calling me or txt me at all leading upto the I don't love you speech!
It's as if the WW is saying, "ILYBNILWY..........but I want you to stay in love with me". Therefore, she is constantly checking to see if you are still attached to her.
Turn up the heat by ignoring her insignificant texts. If your dad let's you know she's looking for you.........don't call her. It's not going to stop her calling your dad. In fact, this is how she gets you to pay attention, b/c dad contacts you and then you contact her. She knows the drill.
Thanks Sandi2
It's the sending me pictures of the kids which has got me a little freaked out!
Don't think for a second that she doesn't know how to use pictures of your children to keep you attached. She thinks if you ignore her, then she'll send you photos of the kids and you won't ignore it.
It's all game playing on her part.
Turn up the heat by ignoring her insignificant texts. If your dad let's you know she's looking for you.........don't call her. It's not going to stop her calling your dad. In fact, this is how she gets you to pay attention, b/c dad contacts you and then you contact her. She knows the drill.
I didn't ring her after she call my dad, I answered one of her calls in the end!
She seems very strange at the moment!
Your situation has changed. She feels that. She is lost/confused. She is reaching out to you NOT for you. I believe sandis advice is spot on in regards to how you respond.
Maybe she is coming around. Maybe she is just temp checking.Maybe she is a lot of things.When she really wants back in it will be obvious.Until then you stick to your path.
Even if she is coming around it could still be a long time coming. You could drive yourself crazy analysing and wondering about her.
She is thinking about you. Otherwise she would notcontact. Taketthat as being a good sign BUT only a sign. Keep DBing and keep posting.
Best wishes
bb, she is doing all of this to get you to write half a dozen posts wondering what this means. Does she still have feelings? Will she come out of the fog and want to return to the M? Look at how you're reacting.
Why is she doing all of this? To get you to feel exactly how you feel! And to keep you attached exactly as sandi says.
And you are. The "I don't have any hope for R" isn't true. People say that when they are looking for others to reassure them, 'sure you do bb!' they reply, and you get the comfort you need. Additionally all of your posts hinge on WW, what her facial expressions were that day, or which way she looked first before she crossed the street.
It's ok. I still believe that it takes 90 days and a second bomb drop before you can really detach. 90 days of hell, then something that pierces the denial that we all go through in which we just can't comprehend things not working out when we want it to soooo much and it looks like they're hurting. But when the other shoe drops and we see that despite their pain, they continue down this course, and something happens that cannot be denied...that's when the next phase of the journey begins.
For me it took a serious wake up call. I thought I was doing a great job DBing. I was doing 180s, GAL, being mysterious, distant yet easy going, etc. WAW was starting to open up, ask questions about me, express remorse, etc. I challenge you to read from 8/24/14 to 9/6/14 and see how it panned out.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...059#Post2482059What similarities did you see between your WAW and what mine was telling me? I ask because I hope sharing this part of my life will help you recognize a few things and take steps to detach and protect yourself.
Hi Zues126
I have read and it's a reality check, your are right I'm reading to much into what she is saying, I do need to protect myself and do what's right for me and let her undertake her journey.
I will be ok, it's just hard to take!