14 days of sheer hell, part 6 - DivorceBusting.com

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So i get home and she says that she is going to miss me because I will not be there to wish her for her birthday, and its sad for her cos i was there for the last 10 years. She said that she did not want to talk about it. I just said "it is your decision" and walked away.

I guess its new beginnings. I cried about tonight on Monday already. i had anxiety on thursday for it tonight too. I have to use this opportunity to detach.

As for tomorrow, I would feedback as to whether I should let er cake eat, I think i got my answer. Thx.

Life is hard, making decisions are even harder.

So she's saying that the hurt she wants to cause me is for me not to share her start of her bday. I said that i'm putting my phone off so that i can sleep when i do get home (prob around 1am, never told her the time).

If she is in an emergency i told her to call the landline and i will wake up. i must make it through the next 24 hours. if i do then i can make it through anything. And i def will bring up no R talk.

Any help on what to tell her regarding bday by yourself, would be appreciated.

DDJ,

I don't have any advise for you, but I hope you can make it through the next 24 hours without any major struggles. Good luck!

Thx doodler, i'm going to break my WWs (icy cold frozen) heart for the second wknd running. I survived last week well, dipped in the week but feeling confident that i'm making the right decision.

I cannot send a message that its ok to go out without me for your bday and then take her out for lunch. That would be setting the wrong tone for the rest of my life, not just whats left of this...

She is doing exactly what she wants. She is completely in control. My STBXW and I have her bday, anniversary, my bday, all in two weeks. She did what she wanted with who she wanted, and we didn't do anything together. I think your W is in complete control of you and her and the sitch. You need to give her space and grow a new pair, stop telling her you will be on landline, she's not gonna need you. You are not hurting her, and if you truly were, you would be giving her more ammo against you in her fantasy.

The problem Ralph is that she's trying to "re-assure" me that what she's doing is innocent, which is why she sent me 4 TM's throughout the other night that she went out. What i'm telling her now is that she must not do that.

I rather want to sleep that be "annoyed" by constant TMs that I can't believe anyhows.

She is in total control, I wholly agree, but not of me. I also got the second car so that she could get her space. Tomorrow she is looking forward to some cake and she's not going to get it. This is a power struggle, but i will not relent.

oh, and I never meant to hurt her by saying that she can call on landline. A fellow user said that I should perhaps keep my phone on in case of emergencies. Thats why i offer the home line in case of an emergency only. And no - she is not going to call. I don't want her to call - i would like to sleep :-)

Its 1:21am and I'm standing strong. I feel like Thurs was the day that I decided to no longer work on my M. I think that today signals a new beginning for me. One where my WW remains a neighbour, not sure if I must even wish her, but I would wish a neighbour, if I liked them... And I don't like the neighbour in my house. So I guess no happy bday.

Ah, something to look forward to. I've got to get my long term plans in place.

(I'm writing this so that I can look back on it as the day that my new life began)

I had a goodish sleep, and awoke a few times, anxious but more tired, so went back to sleep each time. Eventually the sun came in at 7:17 and awoke me.

My WW has not returned home yet. She was never going to. If she really drinks, then she passes out. No way she would drive like that, nor would anyone let her.

So i ask myself, what do i believe is the right thing to do (thx sadhub)? What is the boundary that i stated if she did not want to share the MB with me (thx Cadet)? What could I do that made her see that I am serious about how I feel about the inappropriateness of her actions, that would be a stand that i've never ever made, that would help increase the size of these tiny new balls that i'm growing (thx sandi)?

So i've cleared out the cupboards of all of her stuff in the main bedroom, moved them to the second room. I found the key that locks the door too so when she eventually gets home, she needs to find a new place to sleep. Only problem is that the shower en-suite is attached to the main bedroom, but i'll let her in to shower each evening.
Our S has his own bedroom, so we're putting him to sleep in there from now on wards.

Just had a small cry about the marriage that i've lost. Not the W. This is an opportunity for me and I have to take it.

Between my previous and last wake-up, I had a dream. In this dream there was a cute girl I was interacting with, I felt attraction for her and she was everything that I could see my life with. We spent a day together travelling somewhere with other people too. I then awoke with a smile on my face. Again, I believe that dreams help tell us what our minds are actually thinking. Your heart can blind her head, but your head must always be followed.

Also, i've not gone to church as I need to perform this renovation. But i'm not going to come back once I leave here at bout 10am. If my WW wants to spend time with 'her' son on her bday, then she will need to come to my mothers place to see him. The saddest part is that I doubt that she has the balls to do that.

So took a really long drive putting our son to sleep. I've realised that my WWs fantasy is black men. She is fair skinned and black men pay fair skinned girls alot of attention.

I'm going to go absolutely no physical contact, even holding hands during prays. I do not know where they have been or where they are going to go. I have fear that I wake up in 9 months and the baby is a shade darker than my light brown skin. Lol

She said I was classless and tacky to take her things out the MBR, even though she only got home 12 midday. I know that that's projection so it's nice to know that she feels classless and tactless.

So I'm giving up on my M, and building slowly to D. Too much water has gone very quickly under the bridge. Our vows state to honour and obey. The ten commandments state that though shall not commit adultery. I know which one wins there.

Each day that passes, you continue to push your wife away by reacting to everything that she does or doesn't do. It looks like you're still trying to control her.

No I'm not dream. I told her to enjoy herself. She called me when she got home and I said that I wanted to spend the day by myself and that she is free to pick up our S if she wanted to spend it with him.

It's now 8pm and she said earlier that she will probably be home around midnight. This means that she will not see her son on her bday. It might be pursuing by asking if she's gonna be home, but I did not want to assume.

She's out with who knows and I am getting our son done and putting him to bed.

I also think that locking her out of the MBR is to protect myself. I want to take emotion out of it. Was that not the right way to do it?

And how do I not be her babysitter when she goes out like this. How would I stand up to her. I can't really except be the better man.

ok, i am reacting, realising that now. One thing I must state is that she has most likely cheated and I also cannot trust her. I do not want to be married to my W anymore. Most importantly, I do not want to control her. I want to be that fool that no-one would leave.

You all have helped me get so far personally and it saddens me when I go off course, I think i'm on the right path and then my emotions take over. Maybe today was not as good as I thought...

I understand that I must allow her to find herself, give her the space and time and use the time for myself too. However, i'm getting confused with that and 180, validating and boundaries.

What do i do with a WW that comes home at 10am in the morning. I stated that I wont share a bed with her. I neatly moved her stuff out. I dont want to give up. I never even spoke to her today!

ok, need to focus on myself. F!

I'm just gonna say it - i'm confused as to what to do. That's why my actions must be so confusing too.

I need to not be a doormat.
I need to stand up for what i believe in.
I need to focus on myself and get out of her head.
I need to GAL and show empathy through validation.
I need to be a lighthouse.
I need to lose control.

I do the above through boundaries and improving myself. I still clearly do not understand boundaries.

Saying i wont share a bed with someone that does not want to be in it with me, is controlling. If anyone could give me a good boundary for a WW that comes home at 10am in the morn, I would appreciate it. Is lack of affection and attention that boundary?

I am just confused. I believe i'm good at following a process, but there are no clear guidelines here. How do i grow balls, entrench my values and still not let it come across as reacting - Must i just ignore her? If i tell her I want to spend her bday by myself, it comes across as reacting. BUt it was not, I planned it yesterday... Do i validate now.

I'm rambling because I am at a loss...

okay, one last observation, my WW did actually come home. She is putting our S to sleep. He was crying about getting into bed and she actually said that I must leave him to cry on the floor, if he wants to get up then its up to him.

She has never done this before, always feeling his pain and consoling him.

She came back from her time with OM2 and said that they had sparkling wine and watched the sunset, something that she should have been doing with me. For what it's worth. Must focus on me.

DDJ, I have not read all your posts. I mainly shake my head and move on b/c it seems you have a lot of things mixed up in what you perceive in some advice....but you are not really "listening". For a moment, let's put all the cliches aside, okay?

Yes, things may get worse, but it is your choice to stick around and watch it get worse. She could get pregnant, catch a STD, aids, get beaten, have a crazed OM come into the home............or any number of very bad things, due to her association. I don't know what is driving her to do the things she's doing, other than she's getting something out of it. If nothing else, a lot of attention......including yours.

I say B.S. to it being a matter of her "finding herself". That cliche has been worn out by WW's across the planet. A wayward woman can find all kind of excuses for why she does what she does. However, none of her behaviors are excusable!! She is a wife and a little boy's mother. She needs to act like it, instead of a girl gone wild.

When I got married, I knew there was a conduct of behavior that decent married ladies conformed to, or else they brought shame to their H and their family. Maybe it's principles/standards taught from childhood, tradition or religious beliefs....... but people use to get married with the understanding that anything that reflected immorality would not come into their MR. The family and home were to be protected from wickedness. If one of the spouses should stray into a debauchery and refused to stop....then the other spouse took steps to end the MR. Somewhere along the way, our society has been taught we should tolerate, even if we don't approve. I am telling you that you do not have to tolerate this behavior in your marriage.

Stop tolerating this filthy, trashy, mess that you are basically condoning by playing these silly games and staying with her....and allowing your son to grow up in that influence. You can't control her, but you can take control over your life and protect your son.

Forget boundaries at the moment, b/c you are missing them big time! You don't understand boundaries, correctly. You call it "boundaries" but you basically try to punish and control her.

Let her go. No threats, no ultimatums, no control...........just drop her. Stop living in the house with her, and get a court order for temp child custody, if you can.

OK, thank you sandi, thank you so much.

i'm thinking of telling her that "with the way that you want to live, i think its best for you to live with your daddy for now". i will not go any further.

but the house is in both our names, and she refuses to move out. only a D could force her out.

i told her that exact line. She said that she's not going anywhere. I left the room, came back 5 minutes later and said "I've decided that I am going to move out, i'm not sure where but I need to go".

Originally Posted By: DDJ

i told her that exact line. She said that she's not going anywhere. I left the room, came back 5 minutes later and said "I've decided that I am going to move out, i'm not sure where but I need to go".

Bad move, buddy. You didn't stick to your boundaries and you've pretty much lost your credibility with that tit-for-tat comment. Brush yourself off, get back on the DB horse and take the long view here. What I've learned in DBing effectively is to always, ALWAYS ask myself this question: "will this action/comment/behavior bring me closer to the goal?"

You're too impatient and hot-headed with your sitch and W. Shooting your mouth isn't going to get you the desires results.

Do you now see this?

Shooting your mouth off won't get you the desired results....wish the edit button would be restored soon.

Yes, i see how that can be shooting my mouth off - the only thing is that i'm actually going to move out. Its not a case of because you're not going i'm not. I'm saying that I cannot live with you anymore. One of us must leave.

She is too stubborn to leave and too rebellious to not go out till 10am. I must go or I will continue to react and will drive myself insane. Fact.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

Yes, i see how that can be shooting my mouth off - the only thing is that i'm actually going to move out. Its not a case of because you're not going i'm not. I'm saying that I cannot live with you anymore. One of us must leave.

She is too stubborn to leave and too rebellious to not go out till 10am. I must go or I will continue to react and will drive myself insane. Fact.

DDJ,

Let's back it up. What I am saying is that you need to get a grip of your emotions and FAST.

Fact: You CAN control your own emotions and reactions. You are not some helpless person with this imaginary notion that this is a "circumstance beyond your control." As I said in my cheat sheets, you DO have influence on the situation by how you react. What I really think is driving you insane here is that W isn't "falling in line" with your 'demands'....then you throw up your arms in frustration that things are not going "your way" at all.

Step back and really take in the BIG picture here. What are you saying and doing that is contributing to this stand-off? Take a long and hard honest look at yourself. For me, I hate HATE being told what to for I am headstrong and despite people telling me what to do. However, I am much responsive to those who ask me nicely. See what I am driving at here? Adopting the right approach is the key and don't forget tone does play an important role as well.

It's over when you choose. You have got to drop the rope, and take this time to work on you. If it's over, spend this time in this R to move on work on you be the best mofo a man could be, so if/when you do walk, you are prepared and ready for the rest of your life. Don't have sex with her, protect yourself and your kiddo as best as you can...... Let her go.... Let her goooo... Let her goooooooo...

Hey,

For what its worth I think you should not move out.

How are you going to take care of your son if you move out? You need to get your ducks in a row before you take extreme measures.

I agree with Wonka, you CAN control your emotions and reactions. You choose not to.

As far as what to do when she comes home at 10am? Whatever you planned to do that day at 10am. You do what you do and she does whatever she does. You take care of your son on your days and she takes care of your son on her days. On her days, you do what you gotta do for yourself.

This is the hardest choice in my life people. It's 4am, I am awake and am probably not going to sleep anytime soon. Have that interview today so going to call in sick to rest for it later.

As for sex, no, not touching her. So sad. The only way I can drop the rope without moving out is if I D her now. Really. No ultimatum, not control, no emotions. I cannot live like this anymore.

It's now 5am,she's come into the room I'm in. Saying she wants to make it work, and I'm pushing her away by not showing her any affection or attention. Those are her love languages. I said that she's not building trust by coming in at the times that she does. I say that I need out as I cannot do this anymore.

She brings up mother's day and how she hurt. I ask her to recall how this started. She even sent bff a TM to say that OM1 never even wished her. She is definitely not over OM1 even if there is no OM2. and sandi is right, she is loving the attention right now.

So we close on her wanting to make things work. She says she's going to show me she wants to make it work. She's even going to come home and put her phone down when she walks in to the house. She's not going out anywhere either.

I still need to hold fast, I cannot let her in, I need to see remorse. She can choose to run, I will not stop her.

Quite emotional so don't hit me too hard. Thx

@dream, for the past 3 days I have GALd fantasticly. I really let her be. Don't get me wrong, the locking of the door and guilting to come home for her son on her bday was not good. I am doing what I want whenever I want really.

Some of it is reactionary but I'm getting there, too slowly I know.

Good on for you standing up for yourself. However i echo the others that you need to plan to protect you and your S, from her if needs be. That should be the main priority ~ everything else is GALing and icing on the cake.

Thx Natus, she could see that I really was giving up on her. I never even brought up D. I just said that I cannot do this anymore. One of us needs to go. So I'm going.

She asked later, is there anything besides the late nights and cellphone that she must stop. I said the alcohol too. She never responded...

If my WW can give up her addictions to attention, other men and alcohol then I might consider letting her back in. But I have to state that I am serious about leaving her if she does not. Makes me cry thinking about it, but I know that it's my and my sons only chance at happiness.

She kissed me on my forehead as she left to work and said, thank you for giving me another chance. I hope she takes it.

Oh, and she let me check her phone again. No deleted chats with anyone, going back to Fri and there is no love yous, no hugs, no kisses anywhere. Even with possible OM 2 + 3.

Slightly disappointed again.

I know how you feel, you want to find something so you can tell your self F it and leave.

Our Ws are polar opposites, yours says shes wants to work at the M but goes out, parties, doesnt come home etc etc mine says she doesnt want to work on the M but acts all married. Its infuriating and confusing.

Quote:

Oh, and she let me check her phone again. No deleted chats with anyone, going back to Fri and there is no love yous, no hugs, no kisses anywhere. Even with possible OM 2 + 3.

Slightly disappointed again.

Slightly disappointed again? You are disappointed you found no messages?

I need concrete proof whether or not she's having a second A, or if she's still hung up on OM1. I don't think that I will ever know.

My gut feeling is telling me that she has cheated over the past 3 nights, to spite me. My gut feeling says that I must walk away and save myself and my S. My gut feeling is that she has "hooked" me in again in asking for another chance.

I will continue to GAL, validate, 180 and focus on me. I will see what steps she's willing to take to make the M work. I must prepare for the worst (cheating) and then for the best (letting her go).

Is there anyway that i can tell if she has cheated? I need to stay ahead of the curve.

I really need to focus on myself, focusing on her is really killing me. I do need to drop her, but it's so difficult logistically.

My bro is moving out of our adjoined flatlet mid june, and I could go with him for a month. I know that you all say, don't move. But what choice do i have if she does not want to move.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

My gut feeling says that I must walk away and save myself and my S.

Wow, I stopped checking in for a few days and things spiraled incredibly fast.

I get it. Youre angry. Hurt. Tired. Confused.

But walking away isnt going to "save" you. SAVING YOURSELF will save yourself. Its time for a plan. A real life, long-term, concrete PLAN.

What do you want. What do you need. What are you going to do. Actually sit down and do the work. Small, incremental, consistent actions.

Just "moving out" isnt going to solve anything. Until you make a plan, youre going to be completely running on emotions, flying off wherever the wind takes you...whether its closer to your goal or not.

I just came from the best interview ever, they asked me about the most difficult thing I had to do,and I broke down into tears and explained my possible D. It was an hour of introspection as they want to see if I am a proper fit for their culture.

I asked them what made my Resume stand out, and she says that I'm entrepreneural. I don't look back, I move forward. It got me thinking, how am I moving forward in my M.

I'm not. I have a WW that's most likely cheated on me. But that's not important anymore. What do I want and would staying with this alien move me forward. Hell no.

So this is the plan...
She has said that she wants one last chance, I will give her a month to give up attention for other men, new friends, alcohol and addiction for her phone. These are all the same things really. Then when my Bro moves out I will move out for a month. No longer. To see if these changes are for me or if she has had an awakening.

I know what I'm worth, and I am worth a whole lot me than this cheating spouse. So the focus remains on me. I will continue to focus on me and hopefully not lose it.

I cannot look back and regret that I have not done everything in my power to make things work. I have faith that after 2 months, my options will be very clear.

I must move forward, by myself. With or without my WW is up to her.

DDJ,

Quote:

I know what I'm worth, and I am worth a whole lot me than this cheating spouse.

Yes you are worth more than a cheating spouse!

I'm glad you had a great interview.

So life is too short to even consider giving up alcohol.
She's never ever had her own friends, so she won't come in late again.
She chats to possible OM2 whole day, who's becoming like her male BFF.

Insanely,she brought up the red and green apple. And OM2 said that he respects her red apple. For what it's worth, I told her that I get it now too. A bit too late though.

So the one thing she did say that she would change is being more off her phone when she gets home. Quite a consolation prize. I told her that I see no effort, just more of the same.

But I told her what I would like to see, and she will make her own decisions. I did say that there can be no intimacy without trust (thx Acc). And she's not building trust with this wasted effort. Never said it like that tho.

Guess it's gonna be a long month. But I feel good. Positive about myself, not about her.

Oh, one thing i forgot to add, apparently i'm getting boring...

It has become very clear to me that this is definitely OM2, the BFFs bro. I do think its only an EA, as she'd probably not have stayed home last night if it had gotten physical this wknd. But that's just a guess, based on addiction traits.

As for me, well, I had a great sleep, a full 8.5 hours. I feel refreshed and ready to take on the world by myself, with myself. Now for a full 8 hours of doing nothing and letting my mind run away from me - yay - NOT.

I'm starting to understand the physiological effects of NO AFFECTION, NO INTIMACY, NO FIRST CONTACT, NO TIME TOGETHER. If you change your actions, your feelings will change. Doing all of these things just keeps you hooked, it's enough that she's throwing her own out there, so there's no point in you doing it as well.

I had another dream, about a girl, so sweet, so innocent. My mind is telling me that those feelings are still there, but it's not going to be for my WW anymore. I must look forward, I cannot look back. I also think that all relationships (except for family) have an expiry date, you could recycle it and start fresh but that depends if there is still any value left, from the LBSs POV.

So i'll keep enjoying the anxiety of it all at work, and show who i really am when i get home. This will pass, everything does. Amen.

Amen

So my former WW friend says that things may have gotten physical, but maybe she didn't enjoy it. My heart skips a beat. I understand the skip and i deal with it.

You definitely handling it better than i would.

If i found out that my W ea was actually physical my honor would demand payment in blood. Not exactly moving forward but i'd be satisfied atleast.

I could definitely request blood, but it's not my life is it?

I know what i stand for NOW. I vowed that I would never cheat (again, did with my XGF remember) and I will keep that vow. She will hopefully get there too, for herself.

My heart is already in tatters, so it can't get more broken, can it? probably, but for now i'll take my lot and deal with it. I'm not going to touch her again in my life so I've gotta go through this to get there...

I cannot control my feelings, but i can control my actions.

Good for you. Like i said, you are doing way better than i would.

ok, got a bit emotional now. WW tells friends that she's trying to make things work. I replied to all with "her coming in at 10am and spending the day with another man is not trying". I then replied to her alone and said "i will not cover up your affairs".

I probably should not have sent the first email to all, but F it. That's just how i felt. I will not condone her behaviour and make like she's trying.

ok, i'm reacting and getting emotional - i need to stop, am speaking to WW about splitting budget. I do feel that its needed, but i'm not bringing it across the right way. Its coming off as vindictive.

I do want my financial independence and her to enjoy hers, but don't want to push her away - how do i do that?

Well something good came out of that, she said she'll move to the second bedroom...

F!

Okay, i'm composing myself. I'm worried about what she will think and she will do, that's why i'm feeling unsure as to whether i should split the budget. But i do want my financial independence, regardless of what happens in my R.

I realise why i was spinning earlier, it was not what she did or did not do. It was not about me being controlling. It was not about me giving ultimatums or trying to hurt her.

Its the finality of it all. For the last 7 years, we have worked together, budget and all to get where we are. Splitting the budget is representative of splitting our R. As long as we pay things together, we'd be together.

Just going to let that soak that in now...

Still speaking to my former WW friend, this is an excerpt from an email that i got from my WW, and my friends understanding... (I never spoke about any R stuff, only money and gaining independence)

"Enough, I am not strong enough to deal with this...You want a better wife then get you one, I cant change and refuse to do so to please other people, be who I am not...Stop crying for me!!!!"

i need you to read these msgs again and again until it sinks in. She does not want to change for you, even if it will save her marriage and family.. which means she doesn't care for it. You do not need to talk when you get home, stick to your decisions...
The only reason she is saying she isn't strong enough, is she doesn't know how she is going to cope financially without you. She keeps saying she wants to save your marriage...
so all she actually wants to do, is keep you around for money!! Because she just said she isn't willing to change!!!!
She is not crying Dustin. You are. She is trying to get back into your heart so you can change your mind about the money.

I told my friend, I LOVE YOU RIGHT NOW!

okay, now i'm spinning, i'm realising that my WW started cheating on me 2 weeks ago thurs (or even previous sunday), and we had sex the sunday afterwards, the last time. Stressing bout possible STDs; OM2 works as a counsellor for an anti-aids org, so i hope he's not "that stupid", as i was!

I don't know what to say because from what I can tell, nothing has changed. My advice is still the same.

Your friend sounds on point. Please detach. Detach and plan your life as if you are single, that's what I am doing. I am proving to myself that I have what it takes to be independent. If H realizes he is losing a wonderful wife and day-to-day contact with his kids then maybe he will realize what he has to do to build a new marriage. He needs to make changes and in the meantime, I am making my own personal changes to be a better mom and person.

DDJ,

I agree with SadSara. Why are you holding on to your WW?

I guess it's the emotions of splitting the budget. I don't want to let her go. I know I have to. But it's so final.

I am better without her. I will be happier. I'm just sad right now. Going to pick up my son and take him to the park. Get my mind off things.

So WW offered to move out earlier in the day, we get home and she says that she does not know why she moves out and she changed her mind. I said but i want you out, she said, but I don't want to go. I said too bad cos i don't want you in here.

So now she's packing her new room very nicely up. Gonna put our S to sleep early and go out and drink, cos apparently she cannot drink around me... she's getting the drift i guess. Will be nice to have an alcohol free house, when our S is here.

Who'd have thought that i'd be saying my WW is leaving me to screw another guy. But i guess thats my reality. Its like a car crash, first you look and are amazed, then the more you look the less upsetting it becomes.

My mother sent her a TM for her bday on sunday "I hope that you find what you heart desires this year." I hope she does too.

DDJ,

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I've got first-hand experience with it and it feels awful, but I know you'll get through it and you'll be the improved Dustin.

I'm actually not perturbed at all. She's in her new room now, on the phone as always. It's insane to think that technology has allowed people to cheat so much easier. Clearly used to be more difficult with dial-up and landlines.

I think i'm just covering up, anxiety will come back when she leaves, at least I can close my bedroom door and "not worry" about her, and when she gets home.

I have also just done the budget and I have quite a bit of disposable income until she leaves the house, may just keep her around... She's upset that she cannot afford the Volvo though and will need to drive the new VW Up that i bought.
I need a new job/increase also to not lose my lifestyle in this big house when she leaves. So will stay on the job market until i find something. God's will.

It appears that we're still on for vic falls, going to be fun. If fun is stabbing yourself in the eye each morning. I'm exaggerating, but need a relaxing holiday.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

So my former WW friend says that things may have gotten physical, but maybe she didn't enjoy it. My heart skips a beat.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

I do want my financial independence and her to enjoy hers, but don't want to push her away

Originally Posted By: DDJ

I'm worried about what she will think and she will do, that's why i'm feeling unsure as to whether i should split the budget.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

I am better without her.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

cos apparently she cannot drink around me... she's getting the drift i guess.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

She's in her new room now, on the phone as always.

You still are doing all of this around you. You seem to know the things to say in that "Im protecting myself" and "Im letting go", but it's still really all about her. Where are you talking about your goals, your 180s, your GAL. Where are you out meeting new people, doing new things, being a new you.

You are expecting HER to change, but thats not right. YOU need to be the first to change, and so far, I havent really seen much. Theres been fits and starts, but overall, you still seem like the same DDJ as when you got here.

As for this:

Originally Posted By: DDJ

I probably should not have sent the first email to all, but F it. That's just how i felt.

This is what I mean. You still seem to me to be emotional, impatient, and controlling. This isnt just "not covering up", this is exposing and embarrassing her to her friends. Why do you think that will build attraction in her towards you?

In terms of a new me this was my wknd...

Fri - supper and clubbing by myself
Sat morn - I visit my WAS friend who i've not seen in months, who's H was an addict, and we share our pain
Sat - first time i ever played golf, at a team building, going to do again next wknd with bros.
Sat Nite - Played pool/snooker with my bro for the first time in about 8 years, I actually won him for the first time in my life. Great confidence booster, giving that my WW was celebrating her bday with another man.
Sunday - Could not make church, But went for a 2 hour drive around our beautiful coastline whilst putting our S to sleep. Then took him to the other coastline on the way home as he was sleeping during the first ride. Promised him ice-cream so bought him one, he technically had it for supper.

Yesterday I met with the the project manager for my independent contract. She was in tears from her interaction with a work colleague. I walk in and see she's upset. I give her a big hug, I keep a cheerful demeanour and bring her out of her slump.
I realise that we all have an impact on each other, based on how we bring ourselves across. If i was sad, then i'd just bring her down more. A positive attitude is really the difference between success and failure in life. I will maintain this positive attitude - I will not fail at this. I will succeed, because that's all that i know.

Oh, i also realised that I love cooking, fresh ingredients and flavour are my thing. Last night i made a ridiculously expensive meal for my friend who i've not seen since last year. I come alive when i cook.

As for building an attraction for my WW. It pains me to say it, but I don't want her back. Not after what she's done and is doing to me. I want a fresh start. i want to move forward. I don't to move backwards, and sticking with her is me moving backwards. Right now, that is how i feel. This might change, but i doubt it.

The focus is still on me, she is now peripheral. I do not talk about me becoming the new me. That I will achieve. However, dealing with detachment is what I need all of your help with.

Oh, and made a great sunday lunch for my mother and brothers at her house.

DDJ, your spirits and attitude seem to being doing better, it gets easier getting out of the funk! Glad to see you discussion about you and what you are doing.

DDJ,

you are not NEARLY ready to start dating, do not even think about it. I know you think it would take the edge off. It will not...

No Vapo, I definitely do not want to date anyone. I am an identical twin. I met my first GF when i was 19 and went from her to a wayward fantasy, back to my XGF, then to my WW.

I have never been alone in my entire life, literally from the womb. I want to be alone, I want to feel alone, I want to feel the joy, the sadness, the pain. These would be new experiences that will help shape the new DDJ, so that I can be complete when I am ready to share the love that now makes me cry...

It's now 5am, been wide awake since 4. S4 wakes up during the night and asks for his mother. She came in at probably 1 or 2, a nice respectable time for someone working on her marriage.
I tell our S that mom is in the next room, do you want to lay by her, I'll take you there, to which he replies no.

I feel no anxiety, just a sense of death of any emotion towards her. No sadness, no joy, nothing in the moment.
Not feeling anything is actually making me sad, thinking about the last 7 weeks.

I can't believe it's been 7 weeks. I tried to stop my WW from cheating, never going to happen. God has other plans for me. He does not put obstacles in our path so that we can trip, fall and stay down. He gives us strength to fly, when we are ready. Not a day sooner.

I might not have DBd to save my M but I'm saving myself and I would have taken that 5 years ago when I said my vows.

Reading some of the posts of taking back cheating W and H, why do you guys do it?

I know about for better or worse. But is the trauma of reconciliation not too much, the flashbacks of the OP, the stigma and fear of it happening again... Why?

One can find love wherever one looks, why look back instead of forwards?

DDJ,

No advice. just wanted to say that I feel for you.

Thx cubebot. Saying nothing does mean alot. I know that now.

So as i'm getting done this morn for work, I ask WW what time she came in, she says 2am. I say, do you think that that's trying (i know i know)? She says that I was supposed to give her a chance, and I never did and I don't believe that she never cheated... I step back... I almost got hooked there with the guilt. NEW NEWBIES, pls take note that that is why you never start a convo.

I said, you're not showing me that you're trying, and my apple is green, yours is red - please accept the colour of my apple, as I do yours.

Just feeling a bit down still on the finality of it all. I will never touch her again, no kiss, no affection, nothing. If i respect myself, then that is what i must do.

It's strange the feeling in the house, almost like we were never married, now bad neighbours. She will play along as long as she can cake eat, but she's going to get the shock of her life if she's going to try to do that in MY house.

I'm having it tough today, i guess it will be like this everyday after she leaves and comes back when she wants hey. I gotta get her out of the house asap. That is a fact.

Day is going quickly, but gonna nap in my car now. Going to watch the UEFA cup final with my bro tonight so need some rest. Need to get out.

I find myself desensitizing myself to the situation, I try to be in the moment too. so i say "You're at work, you're walking, lunch in your hand, and your WW sucked another mans dong last night". Gotta become second nature for me not to care really.

I ask God to give me strength, but I should be asking Him to help me find the strength inside. I've already got it all.

Journalling...

I feel better after that nap, It's amazing what sleep can do for you. I've started reading the D threads and things are still going to get alot worse before they get better. Guess i'll have more than enough time to create the new DDJ. Hopefully one with patience.

Our S4 has definitely started that ball rolling. I no longer look at him and see my WW though. Guess that will help me to love him more. I am happy that i'm detached from him, I must just make sure that I do not get attached to whoever i meet one day. I pray that I learnt my lesson.

WW just called me, gotta pay a bill (no need to call really) and doing temp check, feeling sad about the fact that she earns half of what i do and how she's going to cope. She reduced our loan credit "to protect herself" as she does not want a lot of debt when everything gets wound up. I simply said that you need to do what you need to do.

The door for her is very much closed. There's no way that she won't notice that change.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

One can find love wherever one looks, why look back instead of forwards?

Did you read chapter 1 of the books?

There are so many compelling reasons to work to make the marriage work. On top of that, the inability to see your kid half of his childhood should be another great one.

Youre running on emotions and feelings. And those change. I continue to advise to stop or you will wind up regretting some of your actions once our feelings change.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

I am happy that i'm detached from him

Are you talking about your son?
Why on earth would you want to detach from your son?

I'm not going to file anytime darknes, I have a long way to go. I just am releasing my thoughts. I need to write them down or I will lose my sanity. It's going to be difficult enough splitting our budgets over the next few months. It will take a few more months to get the house in my name.

I need to not be a doormat so I think with her out of the MBR, and looking after herself, she'll see what life will be like.

The problem is that as long as she finds OM's I could DB till i'm blue in the face. Am definitely going to continue to detach, cos ultimately that is the aim. I am getting there. i am getting stronger. I'll continue to re-evaluate things but I must be prepared for the worst.

How do i deal with knowing that she's screwing other men - is that trauma really worth waiting for the day to reconcile, if that ever comes? I guess i'll have to wait until my feelings change then...

I have always been detached, from my understanding, from my son. I do not feel his pain, I feel his love. Or am i not on the same page?

DDJ,

In my opinion, being attached to those you love is normal. You should feel their pain.

As an LBS, we detach because that allows us to view the WS objectively and it allows us to make better decisions and choices about moving forward.

I will always be attached to my sons.

ok, maybe i'm getting it wrong. i'd like to say that i'm not co-dependant on my son then? But i've always been a bit heartless, whereby i take all emotion out of a situation - ooh, more introspection. My son will fall, i'll hear him cry lightly and then slowly walk to him to see what's up. Obviously, if he screams, i come running...

Darknes, one thing, are you really saying that I must look past any transgressions from her side, regardless how long it takes, until I detach? Once I am detached then I will be able to make an informed decision. That sounds like madness!

I'm spinning, i need to read chpt 1 when i get home again.

oh, and it does make sense darknes, cos at the end of the day, she isn't hurting me, only herself. I am still me without her. Still of strong morals and values, which I am refocusing on.

DDJ, you got it all wrong. DB is for you and not to get your W back. You have to get yourself back first, and if you revive your marriage, that is just a bonus, the main prize is getting yourself back.

And don't do mind reading, you do not know if she's fcucking other men. I am not saying she is not, but you do not know for a fact that she is...

Originally Posted By: DDJ

Darknes, one thing, are you really saying that I must look past any transgressions from her side, regardless how long it takes, until I detach? Once I am detached then I will be able to make an informed decision. That sounds like madness!

Everything sounds like madness when we are in these situations. They don't make sense because our gut says one things, mind says another, and yet, usually neither one of those things are right in accomplishing our goals. We aren't trained for this type of thing, this isn't something you study growing up in school or learning for work. I wish we could make sense of these things, but feel like most of us are just aiming from the hip as best we can.

The rollercoaster is real. Some days I wake up feeling like Aha!... now I am finally at peace and fully detached and know exactly what I need to do... and then by the evening anxiety, fear, and uncertainty are back in force.

Good luck with the refocusing!

Thx guys. One thing that stumps me is that everyday whilst i'm at work i spin, my mind goes mad! I walked into the house now, alone at home for now and I am calm. I am focused.

I leave here at 6-30am focused. I spend the next 9 hours anxious. I get home and I am focused again. I do think that it's because I have nothing to do at work. I had about 2 hours productivity today, besides the 45 min nap :-)

I lose focus on myself, because there is nothing that I can do during the day. Even this morn as I lay awake at 4am, I did not think about my WW wife, I thought about myself and how I want to live my perfect life and improve myself. Building confidence. Guess i badly need that new job. Perhaps my down mood from this job, which started towards the end of last year, was also a contributing factor to a loss of attraction, that being said, i've never been happy in my job - (lack of good) culture fit.

I have the same problem with my job. I do a pretty good job of GAL when I'm not at work (jogging in the morning and doing positive things for me in the evening) but have a really hard time focusing and getting stuff done. At work I keep wanting to plan GAL activities or check the DB forums for new threads or read relationship book PDFs and websites. My normal trick of just trying to start with some little piece of work hasn't even been working well.

I don't know the answer, but I definitely sympathize.

I'm thinking, that before finding out about ea with OM1, I trusted her with all my heart. The second thereafter I don't even trust her talking on the phone with her insurance company. DBing is really saving us from ourselves. How can we be attractive if we're just being needy.

She asked me to buy her liquor and I said no, not gonna budge. Pls buy it on your way home. She was actually planning to go out again and said that I can rather go out to watch the soccer.

Guess I have no idea what's going on... Who cares.

DDJ,

We're pathetic; we can't stay away from this forum.

You're right, we can't be attractive if we're needy.

So i figure out that the request for me to buy liquor was a def temp check, as she wanted to see if i was standing to my principles of no alcohol.

Why are they sooo vindictive.

Originally Posted By: DDJ

I have always been detached, from my understanding, from my son. I do not feel his pain, I feel his love. Or am i not on the same page?

Detachment is this:

Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

Your son is 4. Of course, he needs some space to grow into the man he will become. But he is in his formative years. Your job as a parent is to teach and mold him into the best version of himself he can be. If you dont take the time and effort to shape him, who will?

If he eats an entire box of cookies, do you say "well, now youll learn for next time"?

No I don't do that bout cookies darknes. I protect him like he's a crystal glass, I let him out of my sight only when I know he can fall and not break.

I'm Def not attracted to you doodler...

You sound just like my wife.

Hi Doodler and DDJ,

I'm glad you are keeping your sense of humor! You made me laugh out loud at my desk here today.:)

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

Originally Posted By: DDJ

No I don't do that bout cookies darknes. I protect him like he's a crystal glass, I let him out of my sight only when I know he can fall and not break.

So then you arent really detached; youre just parenting. Letting him "cry out" a tantrum isnt detachment.

Just like this:

Originally Posted By: DDJ

I need to not be a doormat so I think with her out of the MBR, and looking after herself, she'll see what life will be like.

isn't detachment.

new thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2678723&#Post2678723