More detachment, less anxiety and the continued joy of limbo

Welcome to my latest thread! Yippee!!!! I don't even know how many previous threads there are at this point. Too many, but I'm still alive and kicking. Well... most days, at least.

So, here's a link to my last thread. I don't think I'll do a summary this time, either. Maybe on the next one.

Previous thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2676659&page=1

So, I've really been feeling pretty well for the last week, or so. My last crash was about a week ago, and I've been hanging in there since and have actually been feeling a bit better every single day this week.

I'm not saying that I haven't cried, though it's way less this week. My grief homework was difficult, emotionally, as was talking to my grief counselor about that work, but beyond that, I've been OK. NC has been a really good thing for me. I wish I'd gotten to that point sooner, instead of doing those stupid Questions for Couples. I guess that's what happens when you think you're piecing, but really your H is lying his little tail off. S, anyway, time and distance from him has given me a chance to do some healing. No news is the best news right now. NC means nothing to upset the apple cart, so to speak.

This week I've been working outside a lot, I went to an Audubon club meeting which was awesome, I visited a new state park and hiked around (also great), and I've spent a good bit of quality time with people, either on the phone or in person. All in all, a lot of good stuff. I ate both breakfast and lunch with my Mom today, too. Actually I eat breakfast at their house almost every day, which is part of the reason I sleep at the other house every night - I have guaranteed daily contact with my parents with that plan.

It's a rainy day here today, but the birds don't care a bit. I sat outside on a glider at my farm with my Mom for a while and we just enjoyed all the activity around us. The fields are full of Canada geese out grazing, bobolinks are singing their bubbly song, the Baltimore orioles have returned, red-wing black birds are everywhere, cardinals, robins, song sparrows, barn and tree swallow are swooping all over collecting bugs. The birds are everywhere. I drove my Dad's tractor on an errand today (as a favor for him) and I saw a hairy woodpecker, a bald eagle (super cool!), and lots of mallards on that trip, just from inside the cab!

Right now I can hear the oriole singing outside! I love my birds, both domestic and wild. Speaking of domestic birdies, I sold 4 dozen eggs in the last 24 hours! Go chicks! I had enough eggs to replace one dozen in my roadside honor box, but beyond that I am cleaned out! It's a nice place to be. I like being able to produce real food on my little farm. I also delivered a huge bunch of asparagus as well as a dozen eggs to my Mom.

It's rhubarb season, as well.

So my gardens are now all tilled, and my parents are going to plant some stuff here this year, too, as my ambition isn't all that high. Rescuing my perennial veggie and berry plot is enough of a project for me this year, as well as my ongoing war on invasive species. I'll help them with their garden here, instead. They also garden at their own house. We've grown some gorgeous huge tomato plants that will go out in a couple more weeks, lots of pepper plants, and cabbage starts already, so those will all have to be planted.

Speaking of invasive species, Painter, you asked about birds nesting in the roses, and my answer is that the shrubs are not yet leafed out, and I have not seen a single nest in them this year. Actually, over the last 5 years, I have only seen a single nest in the roses ever, and that was a vireo nest.

Roses do provide lots of food and cover for birds, though. I do feel slightly bad on that front, but the down side of allowing the birds to eat the rose hips is that they spread the seeds far and wide, leading to ever more multiflora roses. The plants are pretty, and smell incredible, but they are evil. Each shrub can form a thicket 15 feet around and almost as tall. Given free reign, they have taken over acres of my farm. They climb into trees, like as my gorgeous ancient apples, and make harvest a nightmare. You can't even walk in the rose areas; it's physically impossible to move once they grab you. They shred your skin and clothes.

Most disturbingly, the thickets provide a cool moist environment at their feet which is a perfect home for ticks. In the land of Lyme disease, that's not a good thing. So, I watch for bird nests, but luckily the roses here just aren't used much for nesting. The birds love the newly exposed ground, though. It makes hunting for insects much easier! Maybe they're eating those newly vulnerable ticks? Dare to dream...

I'm looking at weekend MeetUps, and there are some nice hiking opportunities. To be honest, with all the miles that I have spent on trail, I have never done so in a group. Sometimes we hiked with another couple for a few miles, but It's kind of strange to even contemplate a group hike. I just need to try it out, I guess. SO, I'm off to fill the rest of the day.

Hi to Sotto, Painter, Vanilla, Sadhub, Cherry, Blu, Focus, and anyone else that's checked in on me lately. Thank you. I love that there are other thrift store fans here, too.

Oh, that was interesting about the Somatic Experience Therapy, Painter. I suppose if I only shook now and again it wouldn't be a big deal, but every waking hour for months is getting kind of old. I will say that it has been better the last few days. YEAH!!

OK, so I did it. I signed up for a group hike on Sunday with a group called Women Outdoors. Looking forward to it.

Phoebe, I really see a strength coming from you. I love this post and love to hear that you are doing better! NC clearly is working wonders for your PMA.

And I'm glad to hear that you've signed up to a group hike. I'm a big believer in fresh air and the great outdoors for making you feel better.

Big hugs lovely

Phoebe, thank you for sharing your day and very vivid description of your land - I could see it all in my mind.

It sounds like you should get some Guinea hens - they will eat all the ticks you have and alert you to visitors, as well!

It's neat that you are stepping out of your comfort zone to go hiking with a group! (No pun intended.)

I just requested to join a local art Meetup group. I hope to find a group who wants to meet weekly to work together, like an open studio setting.

Hey Cherry!

Today was good. I was playing around outside getting my lawn mowers back in shape for the season (0 for 2 working, as an aside, so I've got tomorrow's project lined up already), and I actually thought that if I never saw H again, I'd be OK. It's the first time that thought has crossed my mind. Ever. It feels like a major milestone.

Of course, it's also utterly unrealistic. Something has to happen eventually, either R or D, and either one will involve a whole lot more work and pain, but for now I'm content to coast along in the State of Denial. I'm liking the peace and quiet right now. Less drama = less trauma.

So, my I asked my dad for help with those non-working lawn mowers, and he just so happens to need help with his tractor, so it's a nice symbiosis. I like these kind of hands-on projects, especially when they come with bonus social contact, so it's a good plan for tomorrow. I like working with my Dad. I don't go to him for sympathy, but he is my go-to guy when I'm working on a project.

Then Sunday is the group hike MeetUp, So I've got plans lined up through Monday night now.

Sotto, you'll be proud of me. I signed up for another kind of Meetup today. (You suggested adding an activity per month, so I went for it!) This one is a brand new group that's having it's very first meeting, so I'm getting in on the ground floor with new people. I like the idea that no one knows each other. Anyway, it's a homesteading and permaculture group, so it should be right up my alley!

Oh, and in other news, I should have a brand new colony of honeybees coming to my farm in the middle of next week. I've wanted to keep bees forever, and I am super excited to finally have a chance. A local beekeeper is bringing over a wild swarm that he caught a couple weeks ago. He's watched them for a couple weeks and says they seem good-tempered and healthy, so he thinks they'll be good for me to learn with. It'll be his colony and equipment, but he's going to teach me in exchange for keeping them in my fields. It doesn't get any better than having an experienced mentor when you're learning a new skill set! Anyway, it's a pretty major GAL activity for me, and one that has almost nothing to do with H. Priceless.

I hope that everyone gets some good sleep tonight. Goodness knows we could all use it.

Hey painter! I was typing away and missed your post. Nice job joining your local art MeetUp! I have always wished that I had an ounce of artistic talent. Sadly... not so much.

I've actually thought about adding Guinea hens! Given that I've only been keeping chickens for a year now, I'm definitely still in the learning phase with poultry. Guineas always make me smile when I see them with their silly clown-like faces. The one drawback is that they are noisy. Luckily, my farm seems not to have a high tick burden, or they would have been my first poultry experience.

Actually all three of the MeetUps I've joined are outside my comfort zone. I am just not a group person. I'm working on that. Nothing for it but to do it, right? Actually I think I've joined something like 6 MeetUp groups, but I've only RSVP'ed for three events. (BAN meeting last week, the women's outdoors group home Sunday, and the new homesteading group on Monday)

The Audubon meetings I found on my own and the next one is on Wednesday.

It's good to have some activities lined up.

Thanks for dropping by on my thread Phoebe. I've been a bit removed from the forums lately, I think I am feeling better geared to talking to people dealing with the aftermath of loss right now than to those in the first 90 days looking for strategies on how to handle daily interactions. Unfortunately it looks like you might be in that group.

I haven't read your sitch, but your signature says a lot. I'm really sorry for your loss. My god. Not trying to open up a wound, but what the heck, it's still open. That is really hard. I'm so sorry you're here, and that the person you invested so much in made the decision to destroy it all. The road is so hard and if there's anything we can do to make any hour of it easier I hope we can.

Good for you for the meetups groups. I'm a super introvert as well. Online chess, books, and talks with the same group of a few selected friends. That's my scene. I could do more to get out, but I've made it through the worst of it and now I'm back to how I like to live my life. But right now I agree you need to involve other people and new experiences. Not that that is going to be the 'new you', but honestly just to distract you until some more time passes. And one of the best reasons to GAL is that sometimes you'll find ways to meet some of the emotional needs that were being met in your R. Even if your M was as bad as mine in the end (not talking for a year or two), just having other people know who you are, that you're here on this rock, etc, it is really good. I know it takes a lot of energy at a time you don't have much, so good job.

Anyway, I got nothing. Take care and hoping for some nice weather for your hikes.

Thanks for the kind words, Zeus. I'm kind of with you in that I have a very hard time reading brand new posts. The pain is so raw in new threads, particularly when I am still struggling myself. I can't really look at my own early posts. Heck, just a couple last week were pretty rough!

I am in absolute limbo, annoy a particularly optimistic one, but I'm hanging in there. H's complete absence us an improvement over being strung along for the first few months.

Anyway, thank you for checking in on me. I'm sorry that you're here, too. If it had to happen, at least we've found ourselves in good company!

I love the details of your wonderful outdoor paradise.
I am so excited to see you are doing well and in a good place.
I have had a good day over all, but it was busy. My d5 was adorable today in her performance and I got the biggest hug ever. Such a proud daddy I was today.
D17 attended a very cool conference for women entrepreneurs and was just tickled to death at the whole thing. She is introverted like her dad, but stepped outside of her comfort zone and made some great connections and was so excited.

Can I just say I am one proud papa tonight.

Anyway, it's late and I am headed to sleep as I have a big day tomorrow. Some GALing with a friend and I am looking forward to a good day.

Sleep well my dear Phoebe. You have earned it. I look forward to hearing about your adventures tomorrow.

Phoebe, I am proud of you - and very pleased for you! It is great to extend the hand of friendship to others with similar interests to you. I'm not greatly confident in some social situations, but I do feel I have grown in confidence since BD. It made me realise that I had lost some confidence during my M and that I relied on H to an extent for my own comfort in these situations.

However, pushing the boundaries has helped develop my confidence - which is a prize indeed. Last week I went to a new salsa class - walked into a big bar confidently & struck up a conversation with a fellow dance student at the bar - all quite comfortably.

Hope you enjoy your new Meetups. I found there was an element of trial and error with them. Some involve some perseverance, others you just don't get the vibe - but the key is to keep your eyes and ears open to opportunities and follow them up and in time this pays dividends. Good for you

xx

Really excited to see your personal development Phoebe.

V

Good morning Phoebe. I hope you slept well and had peaceful dreams.
Have a wonderful, pencil smile, neature kind of day. I look forward to hearing from you and how you are doing.

(((Phoebe)))

Hi Phoebe, I don't always post but I always enjoy reading about the description of your place and your daily activities.

They sound so bucolic and remind me of Jane Austen.

Glad that you're stepping out of your comfort zone with your new meetup groups. You've inspired me to do the same and to incorporate more of nature into my GAL.

Hope you'll have a great weekend!

Good morning to all!

Well, I spent a few more wasted hours stewing instead of sleeping last night. I read a post from Cadet in a new thread that said most Ms here are over at BD, it's just that the LBS isn't able to accept it.

I guess I already kind of knew that, but it was pretty discouraging to see it put right out there in black and white in the first couple posts of a brand new person's thread. Why call it DB at all if a D is a foregone conclusion? I mean I get that we all need to GAL and all that, but why pretend there's hope if there's really not much chance of anything but a D?

It was just kind of harsh to see, I guess, and it bothered me. And then I wondered why it took me so long to see it explicitly stated like that. Maybe it's everywhere here and I missed it by sticking to a handful of threads so I could get to know them better. There have been a few cases where the WS came back, and I guess I sort of kept that in mind as a possibility.

I'm a data person. I would be nice to know what the data really shows.

Anyway, I slept eventually. I'm just feeling discouraged this morning, wondering why, if it's a foregone conclusion, I shouldn't just hit the D button with the L and get the process moving along, even if I don't want that outcome.

what's the point of the whole lighthouse thing...

Well, sorry to be a bummer this morning. I'm just a lowly scribe for my brain, and that's what's kicking around up there right now.

Hi,

Well I fell behind on the threads and it's hard to get caught up without daily reading! So I will be back later today.

P, I love reading your posts because you are really working on yourself--that is truly going to get you far! You seem to get what DB is all about.

The dynamic between you and Sadhub is nice to watch as well :-)

Hope you have a nice day!

-Blu

Hey, Phoebe! I've been following your posts a lot.

I'm a data person, as well, but in this case I guess I just don't care. I want to have and keep that .00001% chance, that door cracked open, hope alive. I believe I'm dealing with a MLCer, so I post over there more often now, and I realize its a long, long road. But to me, he's still worth it. I guess you give up when YOU decide your S no longer is worth it. No data can actually show you that, or show how many are back together unhappy, never left M and just putting up for the sake of convenience, or happily living together but not renewing vows.

I love that you are enjoying the hiking meetups. Those were a lifesaver for me. I'm an introvert by nature and those meetups in the early days kept me busy, helped my PMA, and garnered me a few amazing friends (my "friends" were all connected to my outgoing, friendly H and were gone as soon as he was). There are great people you will meet, and some you will just click with. You will form a IRL support group (system?) in no time. Keep that up, summer is here!

Originally Posted By: Phoebe

Good morning to all!

Well, I spent a few more wasted hours stewing instead of sleeping last night. I read a post from Cadet in a new thread that said most Ms here are over at BD, it's just that the LBS isn't able to accept it.

I guess I already kind of knew that, but it was pretty discouraging to see it put right out there in black and white in the first couple posts of a brand new person's thread. Why call it DB at all if a D is a foregone conclusion? I mean I get that we all need to GAL and all that, but why pretend there's hope if there's really not much chance of anything but a D?

It was just kind of harsh to see, I guess, and it bothered me. And then I wondered why it took me so long to see it explicitly stated like that. Maybe it's everywhere here and I missed it by sticking to a handful of threads so I could get to know them better. There have been a few cases where the WS came back, and I guess I sort of kept that in mind as a possibility.

I'm a data person. I would be nice to know what the data really shows.

Anyway, I slept eventually. I'm just feeling discouraged this morning, wondering why, if it's a foregone conclusion, I shouldn't just hit the D button with the L and get the process moving along, even if I don't want that outcome.

what's the point of the whole lighthouse thing...

Well, sorry to be a bummer this morning. I'm just a lowly scribe for my brain, and that's what's kicking around up there right now.

The data is grim. The fact is the vast majority of those that post on this forum don't salvage their marriages.

But just because we likely won't get what we want, it doesn't mean it's not worth DBing. Life itself is a hopeless battle in the sense that we will all lose everything and die. It's not that we can fight and achieve immortality, but it's the way in which we lose everything and our celebration of what touched while we were here that gives it meaning.

For the rest of your life you'll know there was nothing more you could have done to salvage your relationship. For the rest of your life you will be a better person. For the rest of your life you will have skills that will help you deal with the inevitable suffering in our world. This is why we DB.

(((Phoebe)))

Have you read about the stockdale paradox? Sort of like be prepared for the worst but hope for the best. Most of us find our way here when our M are in dire straits. The thing is that if we don't even try, then there wouldn't even be a fighting chance.

I believe that many was/wws regret their choices, usually years down the road. But even if they do regret their choices, they may not do anything about it. Or we would have moved on.

I don't know if it makes you feel better or worse but I have read here of DBers who R 2 to 7 years post BD, and even D. Not many but it happens.

And though they say most Wws don't end up marrying their APs, there are those who do.

I don't know how to feel about all these numbers since I really don't know which category I/xh will fall into.

Which is why I finally understand why they say here that you have to save yourself first and to work on yourself. That's the only thing that is really within our control.

You are doing great and getting back the control of your life.

I agree that it [censored] though and I wish that we didn't have to go through all this pain.

I loved the stockdale paradox. Very enlightening and good information to apply.

Phoebe, today is a new day and as you continue to engage in thepositive activities that you have set up, you will strengthen and heal. You will know when the time is right to face what you must. Meanwhile as you are in a good place, you can set the plan that will guide you.

I will look to hear your thoughts on the stockdale paradox.

I agree with Zues - it' s about doing all you can and know that you did. And do the work that will benefit you in any R.

I think the worst I see here, are those who come back after years and there's a second A... I'm not sure what I would have done then.

It seems many posters disappear after a while, so we don't know how they fare in the end? It would be nice to know.

Oh and a quick take on data, as I to am very data driven.

Even a 1 percent chance means that if you work hard you will have a chance. And in this game of love and marriage, that is what we must hope for. Take it, focus on it, and no matter what the outcome, you will sleep soundly knowing you gave it your all.
That is what life is all about right?

Well, today is just mediocre, at best. All day long I have been feeling down and on the verge of tears many times today until a little while ago when the tsunami came again and finally knocked me down, and it's still rolling on in.

I worked with my dad most of the day on our tractor and mower projects, and that was good, but at one point he just stopped and looked out over my land and remarked on what a beautiful piece I had. I could only respond that I must have been been pretty awful for H to leave all of this because of me. Dad tried to say something nice, but my head just wasn't into what he was saying.

A while later we had to take the mower deck back to his place because I didn't have the right tools, and he asked me on the drive if I had changed my will yet to exclude H. He said he didn't imagine that if anything happened to me that I would want H and his girlfriend to have my half of everything. Of course I haven't changed my will, and then I just felt a bit worse.

So, it's been that kind of day, I guess. I had dinner with my parents after the repair stuff was finished for the day, came back to my place, showered, and then just started sobbing and hyperventilating again.

So tired of this. I know that all I can do is just let myself feel it and get it out, but I just feel really awful about myself right now.

Marriage forensics:

How much did I miss or, worse, ignore? How did I lose my best friend and H after 25 years and have no idea it was on the horizon, except in hindsight? I haven't felt totally safe with him, emotionally, for 2 1/2 years, since the first time he blew up over something seemingly-random and then it devolved into him having to leave before he said something he couldn't take back. He ran away then, too, to our other house in the other state, and I followed him.

We just sort of mashed things back together and went on. That was the time I begged for his forgiveness for something or other, and felt awful about myself for doing so. We talked the next day and he said he couldn't handle it that he felt like he couldn't make me happy. That was when I found out he was seeing the therapist about his dad's death. I was shocked he hadn't told me about it when he started going to her. Why didn't we start seeing a MC then? Because we were both afraid that the experience would make things worse, that it would tear us apart by encouraging us to tear each other apart in front of a third party. I loved my life and H, and had no big complaints, but plainly he had some major things going on that I didn't get.

In hindsight, I found out he'd already started lying and going out to clubs without wearing his wedding ring by this point. Lying by omission about seeing the therapist was par for the course. At the time I knew nothing about that.

We ticked along until a similar episode about 1 1/2 years ago now, and that was when he cut back his work hours and we started really prioritizing being in the same house each night, commuting back and forth for his job, and being together. Again, in hindsight, this is when he told me he broke contact with his clubbing friends and he no longer had any opportunity to go out without me. I didn't know any of that, of course.

More hindsight, I had to stay here while the chicks were tiny, so that meant every couple weeks he was back in the other state alone for a three days at a time. He sometimes would stay an extra day for "work." More lying, but I took him at his word.

He seemed more committed than ever and really seemed to bond with the farm. He was affectionate and loving. We got a business certificate together for the farm, bought a new tractor in September, and other things that seemed like he was liking what we were doing and moving forward in that direction. There was nothing after that until he walked away, beyond an odd feeling about the way he reacted to a couple things I said (not arguments at all) over the last 2 weeks before he left.

Oh. There was the way he acted really strange after returning from that business trip in the fall, absurdly jet-lagged from Europe, but otherwise OK. In hindsight, that was when he told me he had to stay longer for work and I found out online a couple months ago that he actually went traveling on his own instead, doing who knows what. At the time he just seemed exhausted. My therapist says it was probably avoidance behavior. He didn't want to talk to me, so he feigned jet lag and just slept.

Anyway, a not very good day. I did a lot, but felt unsettled all day long until It finally broke this evening.

I've had mostly fine to good days over the last 10 days or so, and I knew it couldn't last, but it's still no fun when the tsunami comes roaring in again. I'm feeling a bit better now. I didn't take anything, just letting it pass on its own. Journaling here helps.

Thanks to every one that's checked in on me today - Zeus, ciluzen, Blu, Grl, Painter, and my fellow traveler in the land of Oz, SadHUb. I'd like to click my heels and go home now, except H was always my home.

I wish that H hadn't strung me along with all those nice things he said over the first 3 months. He was lying to me. He gave me hope, and then dashed it in March when I discovered the affair and he said we 'were over" for the first time, even though he back-pedaled that statement. What little hope for our M that still remained when I went to see him in April to talk about our "new direction" was just crushed by that debacle.

I looked up the Stockton Paradox, and I know that I will be fine, with him or, more likely, without him. It's just going to be a long journey and today isn't one of the highlights of the trip.

I hope that everyone gets some sleep and some peace.

Where is this data that you read? I haven't seen it. Can you copy the link? I have heard that a very small percentage of As turn into long term Rs and 3-5% will marry. Don't recall where I read that tho. I heard this great radio interview on limerance--you can look it up online--and the interviewee discusses why As only last 1-2 years and that it is an artificial (not based in reality) R and thus why it is so addictive. Very informative.

I have also read that a large percentage of second Ms were with the original partner. I also recall from my research/reading days, that men were less likely to leave their wives and families, while by the time a W has checked out into an A, she had been fantasizing an escape for a long while. Again, DO NOT quote me on any of this, just recall reading these things, don't know where. I imagine it is hard topic to have data on because of the secretive nature of As, and there is also guilt and denial.

P, I can see how that would be disheartening news tho. It is hard to believe that even after doing everything possible, the chances are so low. I do know in my sitch, I held onto my belief that H was really not himself, and that I knew this wasn't the life he wanted. And he did come back around. As hard as it is, there are some positive changes he has made in himself that he may have not without this crisis.

Hang in there!
Blu

P, oh my dear! We must have been typing at the same time. Hugs! I am across the country, but I am with you in mind, spirit, and heart. I am so sorry you are here now. I know how terribly painful it is. The deepest pain. I don't know if what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I do believe you are getting stronger. I can read in your posts that you are full of so much strength and wisdom.

(((Phoebe)))
Blu

Thank you, Blu. The tsunami has calmed down, luckily.

I had a little distraction in the form of a new cat showing up on my porch. The problem with farms is that cats tend to show up/get dropped off. This is the first one to pop by in a while, and the only one that's been socialized in a very long time. The others I tend to see just as they are running away.

Anyway I fed him and talked to him and pet him. Luckily I'm rabies vaccinated, or I'd have been reluctant to do so, as he has healing bite wounds. He's a talker, which is always charming. He's been in a lot of fights, has tattered ear margins, and is missing a toe in addition to the recent injuries. He's pretty young, maybe a year old, and intact, and he has some ticks that he wouldn't sit still for me to remove. If he's still here tomorrow, I'll start gathering the necessary vaccines and neuter him ASAP. Can't have an unvaccinated intact male hanging around, spraying, and fighting. Poor kid. I need another outdoor cat like a hole in the head. I suppose I could try to get him a home, but the reality is that cats are hard to find homes for around here. They are always showing up, it seems.

I don't even agree with the concept of outdoor cats, but the four I already have came with the place (only after the purchase, of course!!!), and H has asthma, so they can't come indoors. They are awful predators, and I hate seeing the damage they inflict on the bird population. Dead rodents don't bother me so much, as they have such short lifespans, but the dead birds make me really unhappy.

I used to love feeding the birds in my previous homes, but I can't do that until these cats pass on. I had hoped to not add any more, but it's a farm, so it's a kitty target. They are good distractions, though, and I really do enjoy their company. My cats follow me around all the time (along with the chickens) and provide me with a lot of amusement and affection. I just feel very guilty about the damage they do.

Back to the subject at hand: It's nice to know that people here really do understand. It's also nice to know that you are out there, Blu.

No one who hasn't been through it has any real idea. I know when something similar happened to a woman I knew, I had no idea what to say or do, and I had no idea what she was going through. I do now. I wish that I could go back and give her the comfort that she needed then, but I didn't know how.

I still cling to the thought that the life H is leading now isn't the one he really wants, but right now he is convinced that what he doesn't want is me and the farm and this life in the country. Or at least that's what he says. I know that I can't believe a word that he says, though.

Thank you for your kindness, BluWave. I really appreciate it tonight.

I'm sorry it's been a bad day, Phoebe.

I do see that you are overall more resilient, though - you have come a long way in a very short time. It's a testament to your innate strength.

One reason why I thought H would never cheat, was that we had both been cheated on before. His W#3 cheated on him with the neighbor and actually married him and had a child with him. H said it was devastating and I couldn't imagine him inflicting that pain on anyone.

He said after I discovered the A that he didn't understand why I wanted to know details. He didn't want to know anything about his W and the OM - but he's also an avoider while I'm an analyzer. I can handle almosts anything except uncertainty. He thrives on living in a flux.

I also hated my 4 indoor-outdoor cats taking birds - for some reason, it seems they got goldfinches. Have you thought about putting collars with a bell on them? It gives the birds warning.

Unfortunately, I think only one of the 4 would tolerate a collar. One is quite feral (hates me, but readily waits for food - go figure), and two are pretty flighty and I think they would freak out. It took me months to be able to even touch the three that allow it now.

The one I know I could collar is a semi-portly male that's not ambitious enough to hunt! He's such a love.

So, yes I'd like to collar them, but no, I don't think I can collar the two huntresses. Just getting flea and tick meds onto those two is a trick of speed, finesse, and bribery with breakfast! The feral one has to do without. I was lucky to get him trapped and neutered and vaccinated once.

I never thought H would cheat, either. We want to think the best of those we love.

Hi Phoebe, I agree with Blu on the stats. People in an A right now are more likely to end up back with their spouse than go on to marry their AP. Of the small percentage who do go on to marry their AP, 75% end in D. Those are the stats I have read in any case. Conversely, I have read that 20% of people who D go on to remarry their spouse - go figure!

But, all of this takes time - and I believe that time is normally more than months. Particularly if that A is a MLC A - those seem to take a longer time to resolve. And from what you post, your h does sound to have some MLC type issues - ie: total rejection of his former life, 'young' living etc...

I know you are finding it difficult, but when I read your posts and how you are moving forward (with more than baby steps actually) I do believe you are right where you need to be.

Lovely to read about your feline chums too xx

Good morning Phoebe.

Lots of journaling an posting for you yesterday. Some good reflection of the past events. I too had that type of day, until my d17 asked me when I was setting the date to no longer do it.

I had told her I was setting a deadline to stop looking back and figuring out what went wrong and what I did not see my WAW doing. Also I said I wanted to set the date because I want to be able to only say kind things about my W. Separating the WAW of today from the W I was with for over 19 years is very important to me. So today I plan to set this date.

I know my looking backwards is my analytical mind trying to see where I derailed the train, and or so that I can place blame on her. Neither of these thoughts are really helpful, as it will not change the past, but more importantly, it will not change my current sitch, nor the future for me. I am where I am and acceptance is important. My future is still to be created, and today is the beginning of that. I am still healing, so the process of looking back is beneficial, but I can not stay trapped doing it if I am to forgive myself, and her. The saying forgive and forget comes to mind.

Anyway, I may be rambling as I had a good, but short sleep and it is still early.

I hope you have a peaceful day with activities that keep your mind on the present and hope for the future.

You are doing so well, and it brings a smile to my face knowing how far we have come and how sharing our journey together has been a blessing.

Do something fun today. You deserve the distraction and it will heal some of the emotional wounds of yesterday.

Pencils, YouTube, family, friends, and the great outdoors. These will get you started today.

Hey Everyone! A big hello from the funny farm. Land of crazy chickens, wandering cats, pencil smiles and other Neature stuff.

SadHub - Reflection time is over for now, and today I'm movin' on to new stuff. I don't know that I'm ready to set myself a cutoff date, but I am definitely working on moving forward a whole lot more than I am looking backward.

Sotto, I do think that my H is well into MLC territory. He has jumped onto a totally new set of tracks. When I saw him for the first time after walk-away, he pointed out that he was just a child when we first met and that he had never even had a girlfriend before me! I just let it pass, but I knew I was in trouble with that statement; this was a whole lot more than a communication problem.

It's been a strange sort of day, not bad, not great, kind of a middling, but I have no complaints. It's a whole lot better than yesterday! It's chilly, in the low 40s, it rained off and on for most of the day, and it's been breezy, so it isn't the easiest day to be outdoors, but I was out there anyway. There was even snow in the air today both to the north and south of here! I have the heat on right now, whereas just 4 days ago it was 84 degrees and I was wishing I had my a/c units installed. It's been an odd spring. Of course, it was an odd winter, too.

Today I went on my first MeetUp group hike. Well, it was a whole lot more like a super leisurely stroll, but it was pleasant. I went with a group called Women Outdoors, and we walked in a local state preserve. The cool part was that I go to see wildflowers that I haven't seen in a whole lot of years. I first met these flowers on a long hike in the southeast, and here were those same plants all the way up north! This park is a bit unusual, habitat-wise, and the best part is an old hardwood forest, which is where most of the flowers were. The trees aren't pre-settlement, but range from 120-200 years old, so are still pretty big, so they create a very open shaded understory that is hard to come by in the Northeast.

There were 7 of us on the walk, and we looked at birds, flowers, and lovely views. Super slow walking, so definitely a nature walk and not a hike, but it was good. The only crummy thing was finding a tick on my arm while I was eating lunch afterward. Yuck. I had to change and shower when I got home. I may do more activities with this group. They do all kinds of things from kayaking to hiking to camping to snowshoeing to biking, so a lot of things I enjoy. The two coordinators are quite nice and I like them. The group is a large regional organization, so they have events over a huge area. The coordinators drove 2 hours to get to today's walk!

Tomorrow afternoon I see my therapist, and then in the evening I have my first Homesteading MeetUp. I'm looking forward to meeting a bunch of people that are all strangers to each other, so that we will all be on equal footing. There are supposed to be about 17 of us attending, so I'm expecting a pretty diverse group of interests and skills. I'm hoping that I will meet some like-minded people.

There's been no sign of last night's visiting cat yet today. I'm kind of disappointed because he was a sweetheart, but, as I said, I really don't need another feline friend.

This evening the drizzling rain has tailed off and the sun is popping out periodically, so it's a lot nicer outside. I have the chickens out free-ranging. Whenever I go outside, they all run to me and then follow me around, just in case I might have a treat, and at this time of day the cats are looking for dinner - picture a woman walking to her garden with 13 chickens and 3 cats in tow. It's kind of hilarious. My neighbor calls me the Pied Piper.

So... how are things big-picture-wise? Still NC with H since that incredibly brief admin email contact at the end of last week, so that's given me a lot of room to do some healing, and I think I've been doing pretty well in that department. One rogue tsunami attack yesterday, and one last week, so overall that's an improvement. I'm still sad sometimes, still confused about what happened to my life, but mostly I've been having more good days than bad.

I'm not sure what part the SSRIs are having in anything, but time and distance from H have definitely been good for me, as has been refraining from doing any internet trailing of H. I have only taken anxiety meds twice in the last week, and actually they were both nights that I was fed up with not being able to sleep! Sleeping remains a bit rocky. I'm still taking benadryl every night, though I'm going to see if I can nix that soon. I'm still a bit shaky, but not nearly as bad as a couple weeks ago, so improvement there, too, which is good, because that is getting OLD.

My weight is holding. Mostly. I'm down 32 pounds since walk-away, and slid down another pound this week when I slacked off a bit on my vigilance about eating. Still, it's lots better than at the beginning where I dropped about a pound a day, so I'm calling it progress!!! Simply choosing to embrace the weight loss and getting myself some new clothes that actually fit has been a huge help in reframing my outlook. At first I felt like I was wearing my grief like a uniform, with the weight loss as an obvious outward sign of the crisis I felt inside. Now I just try to look at it as a new me! I'm used to seeing myself this way now, whereas at first it was kind of a shock to look in a mirrror.

So. that's all the news that's fit to print.

I hope everyone gets some rest and has a peaceful tsunami-free day!

Phoebe,

I am so proud of the efforts you are putting into the meetups. As you keep that up you will connect with some folks that will benefit you. I am certain of it.

You demonstrate such courage each day. No matter the storms that hit you, you continue to get back up and move forward. You are one amazing lady and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You have remained on course no matter what is thrown at you.

Sleep well dear Phoebe.

Rainbow hugs for you. (((Phoebe)))

Hi Phoebe, really glad to hear your walk went well. Sounds like it may be an interesting group to join and good luck with your Meetup later too.

I agree with Sadhub, and I also think you show a good deal of courage moving forward (at times shakily like us all) but moving forward nonetheless. One thing I have learned through this experience is it doesn't really matter what H is thinking and doing. What really matters is what I'm thinking and doing.

You are doing well to think and do a lot, and I'm pleased to read that your focus on your H is pretty minimal.

Keep up the great work xx

Just some thing to add farms are good my ic said horse training and animals show us our power.

And the firsts of each season, it helps you move on mentally first years lambs first years foals..... Use the firsts to take focus off the crapola of the past.

So far the worst happened he cheated and left, right but your still here and the whole world didn't really change much. It sucked and it's not something Any of us wish for anyone.

Mines still with his manky ow!
To bad so sad it will suck to be him when she cheats and she does according to the word on the street, and that is his biggest fear and deal breaker.

Not a tsunami for me, more like a low pressure ending with a downpour.

That nature stroll sounds great! I'm always concerned about signing up for those because I figure I'd get left behind.

The area sounds beautiful, especially the hardwood forest, and I'm glad you got to see something that's a little different than just where you live. Good think you found that tick early! It's horrific what they can cause - my stepdaughter has been sick for years from Lyme and now have chronic kidney problems.

This is a very green city with lots of parks and yards with crabapples, lilacs, tulips and lots of other plants. I especially like the little rock gardens I see everywhere. We're also within easy driving distance of farmland and nature, so really the best of both worlds, I think. We drove through lovely farmland yesterday to go to the festival. I'll tell you more about that when you come by here!

The weather has been extremely up and down here, too - 85F to lowest temp since 1944 on Friday! Why can't it just stay at a comfortable 65-70?

Hope you have a good session with the T today, and the homesteading sounds perfect! I bet that will be a great group for you. Maybe you'll find people there to network with when you want to go away and need someone to take care of the animals.

I can attest to the benefit of NC. I think my downpour yesterday was triggered by the positive contact I had with H on Saturday. It's almost worse when it's nice, because then it seems even more unfathomable what happened...

Hi Phoebe,

Just checking in. Thank you for your check ins and for tag teaming with me to help poschan. You made me feel more comfortable with seeking out help and your words and kindness will help him.

I hope your having an awesome day and enjoying some fun activities. Your posts sound to have a very good vibe of late and I love seeing your progress.

Thanks for checking in on me, SadHub, Sotto, ggrass, and Painter.

Painter, I hope that a high pressure system is coming your way. Rating to push some blue skies and fluffy clouds your way.

Today was... kind of weird.

It's so late that I'll have to write about it tomorrow, but that MeetUp was not at all what I expected. The people were unusual, and with the exception of one woman, were not people I can really relate to.

So... What was weird? I got hit on for the first time in about 25 years, and it was by that same woman! I have no problem with the gender aspect, but I really have been out of the game a long time that I didn't see it coming. She invited me out for tea after the meeting (well, a drink, but tea is more my thing), and so, why not, right? She was interesting. If it was a man I would have declined, but I am looking for friends now, yes? i have no problem being friends with her still, but I was just caught off-guard.

Am I sending out vibes that I am available? I hadn't intended to.

I'd like to think that the reason I haven't been hit on in all these years was because I wasn't available and that showed, as opposed to not being desirable, but either way, it was a surprise.

Anyway, more tomorrow.

SadHub - I am so off track on my meditation. HELP!!! I did go for a short hike today. Does that count at all?!?!

Practise with those signals!

It's going to take a while before they work properly, well in will in my case.

V

Well, another non-sleeping kind of night. By the time I realized I wasn't going to be sleeping much on my own, it was too late to take anything, so I slept from around 3-7:30. Not enough, but it is what it is.

So anyway, about that MeetUp. The people just were not ones I could really see myself working with or hanging out with, so that group is probably a wash. I also need to go reevaluate how I'm finding groups. Is there some dating code that I'm not aware of? I mean, I really am not looking for a date!!!

I saw my therapist yesterday, and that was good. I just talked about the first half of my loss history, and I made another appointment to see him tomorrow. I feel like I just want to get it all out there and see if he can help me make some more sense of it all. He noticed something that I already had not - a sense that many old relationships in my life ended up without me feeling like I understood what the heck had happened.

Then my H walks away, and DING, DING, DING, there's that same lack of resolution again. A second person may help me sort things out a bit better. The grief counselor helps me with that process, but my therapist is looking at the bigger picture, and I need that, too.

After the therapist, I went back to that same state park that's nearby and had a really nike, albeit, short hike. It was a great trail, though, rocky, up and down, roots, a lake, wildflowers, birds, a swamp. I really like this little park. It's small, but has a lot of great trails.

So today, I'm working outdoors again. I have 5 trees to plant, and maybe some other stuff.

I hope everyone has a great day.

Phoebe,
I am glad you are talking with a therapist. I hope that they can help you resolve current issues that may have stemmed from prior situations.

Aw, sorry you didn't jive with the group. I know the local homesteading group where I used to live was into things like making salves and fermenting food - but also a lot of growing your own foods. It doesn't sound like something you can figure out beforehand, though, there's all kinds of people everywhere you go!

Your therapist sounds good. I see a lovely lady, but I don't feel like she challenges me enough. She's just very supportive, which is nice, and I feel like it's a good routine in my life to check in with her every week, but I'd like to do some more gritty work.

What kind of trees are you planting?

I'm off for two days (well, working from home) and taking care of my poor dog who seems to have picked up a bug from day care. She had to go out twice in the middle of the night! It started on Sunday so I think I'll give the vet a call today.

Poor pup. I hope she's feeling better soon.

My therapist doesn't really challenge me much, either. Mostly he's super nice and supportive, etc. He does some gentle steering, but he is definitely observant. I did my grief history graph for the grief counseling work, but my therapist asked if he could see it when I mentioned what I was working on. I decided that I ought to talk it through with him, rather than just handing him a copy to look at on his own and ask about.

I do think that I will get a much different perspective than what I got when I went through it with the grief counselor. In that program, the approach is just to listen as I talk about my history, and not to ask questions until I am finished. My therapist peppers me with questions as I go along, so we talk about each event and the overall themes we see.

Today I need to plant 5 semi-dwarf apple trees, 4 of which are heirloom varieties. I have something like 22 (+/-) fruit trees that I've put in, but I had some serious attrition in the last 2 winters, so the peaches are out of here, as well as a couple plums that croaked. It's a bummer, as I love peaches. At the moment, that leaves me with apples, crabapples, pears, apricots, cherries, an almond, an English plum, and mulberries. So far only the apples have borne fruit, but the oldest trees only went in 4 springs ago, so they're young. Oh, I also planted hybrid chestnut trees 2 springs ago. I worry about their hardiness, too, but so far so good. Chestnuts are really good, but I've got at least 5-7 years until they produce anything. I have a huge old shagbark hickory that's probably a couple hundred years old and bears delicious nuts, and I have a lot of very old apple trees, of unknown varieties scattered all over the property. The old apples make incredible cider.

I was hoping to find anyone that did similar things at the meeting, but unfortunately, only 8 people showed up and they had few skills beyond the woman who I had tea with. One lady (who came in pajamas, I might add) and her H seemed to only be there to complain that she can't do anything with their property because her neighbor sprays and she has over 100 allergies, and she has to call the police all the time because the spraying is illegal, and they're disabled, and"the government put new windows in [her] place and they svck". All this when they were just supposed to be introducing themselves. Good grief!!! Signing up for every assistance program and complaining that what they got for free isn't good enough, and hating on all their neighbors? Not people I can relate to at all! Another woman (friend of this couple, so also out there) cornered me about my property right off the bat while we were talking in a circle. "You have all that by yourself? Don't you have anyone else that helps you? Aren't you afraid to be alone? Don't you get lonely? Don't you want someone with you?" Ugh. I finally had to shut her down by saying my H left 5 months ago, and now I'm alone, and of course I'm lonely! I was not pleased to be badgered like that in public. The woman had zero social skills.

RUN AWAY!

I am really looking forward to seeing my therapist again tomorrow, though. The twice a week thing is a bit unusual, but I need to talk some things through, I guess, andI feel like I may finally be getting to something important.

It's chilly today, and I'm not very motivated.

Hi Phoebe,

Crazy experience for you with that meetup for sure. It may have freaked you out a bit, but when you look back on it you will just have to laugh. Things have changed a lot since we were in that game last. And reading your other meetup, also bizarre. But you know, in this wide world of people, I guess it is par for the course. As I try to think back to my days before marriage, I ran into a lot of odd folks, but in the midst of it all, I found some really cool friends.
Keep at it and see it for the journey it is and I am certain that you will find those new connections and some friends as you go.

You are doing awesome and it will pay off.

SadHub, both of those odd experiences were the SAME MeetUp! It was odd all around.

So, the woman from the MeetUp that I had tea with invited me on a hike, and I said that I would. I am neither in the market for a date, nor am I attracted to women, but a potential walking partner would be nice. She also knows how to graft apple trees, and that's something I really would like to learn how to do myself, and she is interested in heirloom apples and gardening, so there are other common interests, too.

I think I'll chat about it with my therapist. I'm not great at saying no when I'm invited by people, and I really don't see why I ought to in this case, anyway. She was pleasant and I liked our talk over tea. I'm sure my awkwardness made my own preferences pretty clear.

So I got my five trees planted and I am TIRED!!! ( Lack of sleep probably didn't help.) Planting trees is work, even with a tiny backhoe to excavate the dead trees that I replaced. All the soil mixing and refilling of the hole has to be done by hand, plus I spread compost around all of my fruit trees and part of my garden. My parents came over and planted a bunch of stuff in my garden plots because I'm not going to use them this year. I'll help them care for their stuff and pilfer veggies as needed. It's the year of team gardening on this farm! Gardening was always my thing, not H's. I'm just taking a break this year.

After my tree project, I crashed for a while in my glider/swing and just chilled out. I even did some mindfulness while listening to the birds. I know most of the calls of the birds that I have around my house, so even with my eyes closed I can "see" what birds are hanging around. Today it was orioles, cardinals, bobolinks, red-wing black birds, song sparrows, grackles, red-bellied woodpeckers, Canada geese, and an eastern kingbird. It's a nice trick once the leaves come out.

Time to do my evening commute. I need some sleep, and I fully intend to take benadryl to get it!

Happy May17th to all, and to all a Good Night!

Sleep tight Phoebe.
I hope it is a restful and refreshing one for you.

I love that you did a bird mindful meditation. Very cool that is.
D17 and I will be doing a chocolate mindful meditation tonight. It should be a good one. Chocolate! How cool is that for meditation.

Meditation comes with chocolate?!?! This I need to hear about.

Do tell. I want to try it!

Happy 17th of May!

We were supposed to have some nice stuff for dinner but because of the poor dog who has to be completely off food for 24 hours to combat her stomach issue (she's getting probiotics and some paste from the vet), we opted for a quick meal of mostly cold food to not torture her with the scents and sights of our food.

I'm glad you connected with someone at the meetup, she sounds like an interesting acquaintance!

It sounds like a lovely day around the homestead - and a nice rest in the hammock. It's such a great sign that you were able to lay there and think about the birds without getting attacked by that raw emotion that seems to pop up when we sit still for a moment.

SadHub, I didn't realize you had to actively meditate on chocolate... It sounds like my normal state of mind.

The chocolate meditation

Try and select a type of chocolate that you have not had or do not consume often.

Take a few minutes to take in the aroma as you open the package the chocolate is in. Focus on the aroma and let it in.

Break a piece off and then visually inspect it. Look at every shape,crease,crack etc. for a few minutes. Focus on all of the visuals of the bite size piece.

Now place it on your tongue. Let it melt. Focus on the flavor. Chocolate is made up of over 300 different flavors. How many can you taste. Pay attention to your desire to suck on it. Pass that thought through. If other thoughts come to mind, gently recognize them and pass them on.

Once the chocolate has melted, swallow it. But do it slowly and feel the sensation as it flows down your throat.

Repeat if desired.

What sensations did you experience? What thoughts came to mind that you identified and passed on. What was the experience like compared to ones normal experience of stuffing it in and eating it quickly.

Best meditation ever.

OMG!! Repeat if desired? Until the chocolate is gone, right?

This I can do.

You made my day, SadHub!!! THANK YOU!

I'm just about to head off to go see my therapist. I'm super shaky again for some reason I can't quite fathom. It's been a bit better lately, and I feel fine physically and mentally, but the body does what body wants, I guess. I'm trying to ignore it, but it's even a bit hard to even type.

I'm going to talk about the more recent parts of my grief history graph with the therapist today, so I'll see how that goes, then I'm going for a hike in the park nearby, then I'll scrounge myself some food, then drive another 75 minutes to the Audubon meeting that I've really been looking forward to. I like that the rest of the day is all planned out, even if 3 hours of it will be driving.

I hope everyone had a good day today. Get the heck outdoors for a little while and get some sun!

Note to self: must buy chocolate.

Good evening Phoebe.

Ya like that chocolate meditation eh? I gotta say I was surprised when I read it. But it was very cool and yummy as well.

I think the shaking when I don't feel the anxiety is just due to the imbalances for my body related to the stress, broken diet and inconsistent exercise.

When I was at the range Saturday, I was shaking pretty good and it made it hard to aim. But I know it was not anxiety.

You may be in the same boat.

I hope things went well with all of your other plans today.

Hugs (((Phoebe)))

Hey there, SadHub! I haven't had a chance to try the chocolate meditation yet (still need to buy some), BUT I did buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's and demolished half of that, instead!!! not sure I did it mindfully, though.

So my appointment with my therapist was OK, well, good, I guess. I talked about the MeetUp experience from Monday, and then I just managed to finish going through my loss history graph. I still have yet to be able to get as far as talking about the more general trends or themes that I had noticed - the bigger picture stuff. I had really hoped to start working on that today, but I guess that's something for next week! I wish the appointments were longer.

After the therapist I had an awesome hike. The trails in the nearby state park are really making me happy. I love all the ups and downs and rocks and roots! In fact, as I was walking today, I was thinking that it was a terrific place to train for long backpacking trips. I wish I'd found it sooner. Anyway, I can actually work up a significant sweat on the trail, which is hard to do in this area. I carry a little hydration-type backpack, and my shirt was soaked through underneath it after an hour. Who needs a gym, eh?

The Audubon meeting was tiny and really good. I got to ask specific questions about my property as it pertains to preservation of one specific species. I got hints on how to site a house, how to encourage nesting on the other fields, and how to adjust the haying schedules to best ensure nesting success. It was great!!!

And then, (this is for Sotto who gave me a challenge last week) after the meting I talked to one of the attendees for another 30 minutes! Sotto had encouraged me to linger and talk to someone. Well, it didn't work last week, but it went well this time around, though he actially came up and started talking to me, so I don't deserve much credit. He grew up in the area I live in now, and was curious about the place. It was good to talk to someone with similar interests and concerns. Too bad he wasn't 30 years younger! He was a cool guy - a maritime ship captain, actually.

So, that's a wrap. I have Benadryl onboard and I am yawning, so I'd best take advantAge of it!

Merry May 18th, y'all! 'Night 'night.

Hi Phoebe - gold star on the challenge...well done! Xx Good for you getting out and about and extending yourself, it's the way to go for sure...

Why, that you Sotto! I like gold stars.

Had trouble sleeping again last night, so finally gave up and took extra meds at around 2:30, read a while longer, and then finally dozed off. I really don't like taking anything that late int eh night because it means I don't wake up until correspondingly late int he morning.

So, now that the morning is totally gone, it's time for me to get something accomplished. I'm thinking that more brush-hogging fis in order, at least few hours. I ought to be weeding, too, but the brush-hogging has a more specific time frame. It has to be dry for multiple days before I can get out to work because the soil has so much clay in it here. It's supposed to rain here sometime soon, so now's the time. Getting stuck is no fun, and I did that a couple days ago with a smaller tractor - my big tractor would be much more difficult to extract.

So.... changing into work clothes, and then I'm off to the tractor races!

Have fun today, and be careful out there!

Yup, another 4 1/2 hours of killing g invasive roses, and I'm feeling like I did something useful - improving my land and making it a better habitat for wildlife.

Even better, my friend stopped by to visit just as I was driving the tractor back home, so we sat in the swing and talked over some seltzer. It's a little chilly today and breezy, but it was beautiful and sunny - a perfect day to look out over the fields with a friend and chat.

Beyond that, there is not a lot going on, and I really like it that way. I'm busy, I've been feeling pretty happy, and there has been no contact form my WH in weeks, and that means I stay on a level keel. I'm having fun and really digging my heels into this property and making it mine. I know that I have my head stuck solidly in the sand because I am choosing to just let time and distance pile up, but I feel so much better in this mode that I fully intend to just keep it up for a while, just doing nothing that has anything to do with H. No lawyer visits, not initiating a divorce, not contacting him, not a damn thing beyond working on myself.

At some point I am going to have to go back inside the circus tent, but not now. I have been feeling so much better since I've been removed from the circus. I can go hours without H even crossing my mind, and that is lightyears from where I was just a few short weeks ago. I laugh when I'm out with my critters, I can talk to people without H entering the conversation, I am getting on with my very own life, sans the H.

I don't know that I even want to hear from him again, really, and I'm not sure what I'd say if I did. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Meanwhile, I hope that everyone has a good night's sleep and gets some peace and quiet from any and all spouses.

Happy May 19th!

Hi Phoebe,

I really enjoyed reading some of your posts, and I love to see that you've made progress. I have been stuck lately, and I feel like I have major ups and downs. I'm pretty new to the forum, so I'm not very good with the abbreviations yet! But, my H had an EA, and I found out about it last year! I stuck around and tried desperately to save my marriage. By the end of the year, he wanted to separate again, and currently he is filing for the divorce.
I am only 29, but I feel like my life has come to a screeching halt, and I really have no idea how to start over. I love reading that you were able to pick up the pieces and find things that make you happy, despite the fact that you still struggle from time to time. I pray that God gives you the strength to continue to get through each day. If you have any advice for me, I'd love to hear it!

I am not sure how to make the signature like other people...but here's the breakdown of my marriage

H: 30 Me: 29
Married: 4 years
No Kids
Walked away: 2/27/15
Came back: 6/1/2015
Walked away (again): 11/2015
D filed: 5/2016

Thanks for reading my crazy entries. I'm all over the place sometimes, too, though mostly I'm on my own little funny farm.

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been dealing with all of this for so long, ahmeds. The single worst thing is the uncertainty. I think it is something that people aren't well-equipped to handle, and it leads to terrible anxiety.

I know what you mean when you say that life came to a screeching halt. For me it was like my life was a basket that had just been turned upside down and all the contents went rolling away. I had no idea what to do. Actually, I still don't really know what to do. I just try to get through one day at a time. Sometimes I aim for just getting through an hour. Lately, I'm doing OK, and am actually having a lot of genuinely good days. I still remember my very first good day post walk-away, though. It wasn't very long ago, actually. A couple days later I crashed again.

I guess what I want is for you to know that good days will start to come your way again, ahmeds. It doesn't feel like they will ever come, but as you begin to heal, it will happen. Know, too, that there will still be hard days, too, but at some pint, the good days will outnumber the bad ones.

In the meanwhile, you need to take care of yourself as best you can. Reach out in any and all directions right now. Reach for family, friends, reach out to your doctor, find a therapist (I see a psychologist), take meds if your doc thinks they are appropriate, find a grief conselor, talk to a spiritual advisor if that helps you, find a support group. In short, do whatever it takes to help yourself. Forget about taking care of your H, or worrying about him and what he's thinking. He is beyond your control and trying to mind read is useless. It's beyond any of our powers to get inside another's head. Don't bother.

As much as we want our spouses in our lives, it is beyond our powers to bring them back. They come back, or not, on their own. The only person who is absolutely going to be with you every day of your life is yourself. help yourself in any way you can right now.

I'm going to go find your thread and give it a read. I hope you get some sleep.

(((ahmeds)))

Hi!

So, did you ever finally watch Funny Farm? When I read your posts, that is the property I am imagining :-)

So you can listen with your eyes closed and identify all those birds at once!?! My jaw practically hit the keyboard when I read that.

You continue to impress me with each week--your tenacity to overcome this adversity, your knowledge of all things nature, and your tremendous insight and personal growth.

You inspire me!
-Blu

Hi there, Blu!! You flatter me. I'm just a local kid that likes to know what's around me.

You know, despite my use of the term funny farm, I had forgotten all about the movie! It's in my Netflix cue at position #3, but I'm watching so few movies these days that I haven't gotten there yet. I watched more more when H was around. Now with my evening commute to my sleeping quarters, I'm not watching more than one every couple weeks.

Yeah, I can ID a lot of my local birds by sound, and all of the ones that regularly hang around my house. It's really nice to be walking around and to know what's overhead, even if I can't see them. I know the local frog and toad calls, too. That's probably a bit more unusual, but there are only something like 5 or 6 species locally, so it's really not much. I just like to know what's around me. I like to know the trees, too, but they're usually silent.

With trees I like the challenge of identifying them by their bark, rather than looking at the leaves, so I can walk down a trail and have a feel for the whole picture. I'm a forest kid, and I grew up prowling the woods. Being outside is very healing for me, so the more I'm out, the better.

S tooday I'm off to do more cleanup work. While brush-hogging I hit a bundle of barbed wire yesterday that was lurking in the brush. It's the hazard of an old farm. They used to just chuck stuff everywhere. Luckily it didn't wind around the blades, but it did fly into a lot of pieces. And it made a lot of SPARKS!!! I got all the big pieces of wire yesterday, but today i need to go back with a magnet sweeper and finish the job. Livestock, if it ever roams this property again, has a bad habit of ingesting pieces of metal, and you can imagine that's not a good thing.

It's always something, right? I also found a tire on a rim and a separate tire rim, and some other metal, but that was at least easy to pick up.

I am definitely making this place my own, H or no H. This land is my home, even if the house I reside in is as far from my dream home as possible. That said, it's dry and warm, and I don't have a mortgage. Priceless.

So, I hope that everyone has a good day.

Phoebe thanks again for dropping my my thread.
Good for you for your progress on your home!
Hope you have a great weekend.

Hi Phoebe,

Just a quick check in to let you know that I am doing great and my d17 had an awesome graduation. There was a little hiccup, but it did not phase us to much. I hope to have a few minutes to get an update on my thread, as I have been busy having a good time and only a few minutes here and there when checking in here to help a few others in need on the boards.

I want to catch up with you, and at a glance you appear to be doing well and getting some work done.

I'll catch ya soon later tonight I hope.

Did ya get a chocolate meditation in yet?

You have to get on that if you have not

Hi Phoebe,
Sounds like you're doing great. Have a great weekend!

I am so glad to hear that, SadHub. I was hoping that the old "No news is good news" rule was in effect.

I have not yet done the chocolate meditation, BUT I did buy two bars of Lindt chocolate as supplies for my meditation project - 70 and 85% cocoa. Now I can claim that I am also doing research.

Hey 1gr8dad and Grl! Thanks for checking in on me.

Big (tiny) news on the farm today! I brought home a batch of teeny tiny 2 day-old chicks this evening, and they are all set up in a brooder box in my dining room. Who can dwell on unpleasantness with such a concentrated dose of cuteness in the house?

Chickens have a habit of multiplying, even if you don't actually have rooster. I planned on buying 6 chicks, but I came home with 8 - 4 barred rock pullets, and 4 Americana pullets. Well, they're supposed to be pullets. We shall see. Actually I'd welcome a rooster or two, as long as they were well-behaved. I'd love to have them on security duty when the girls are out and about.

I also waged more of my war of the (multiflora) roses with a couple more hours of brush-hogging, and I got all that foolish barbed wire cleaned up, as well as some other downed fencing.

A farmer once told me that if I get even one thing done every day, that I'm doing well. So... I'm not sure the clean up will ever be done, but every day I make a small difference.

The fields are getting so green now - they're beautiful.

So, I've decided. At first I wasn't positive about what I was going to do, but this farm is mine, and I am going to make it my own. H may have left, but I am staying.

Oops. Sorry for the multiple posts. My phone hiccuped.

Phoebe, just want to tell you I really enjoy your posts. You are doing so well and sounding so strong despite your struggles.

I may be further along the path but I am honestly nowhere near your level of serenity. I really like how you keep yourself busy with your farm.

Keep on keeping on! You're a real lovely lady!

Awww... baby chicks...

Remember to take pictures, they grow up so fast!

It sounds like you are extremely productive with your farm and are filling your time with meaningful activities. You have come very, very far in a very short time, I think.

Well, today had been an exhausting, but reasonable day until just a little while ago.

First, I broke a 1" metal pin on my brush hog and there is some secondary damage to the support frame. I limped it back home, which was a bit of a trick, given that it was only connected to two points on the 3-point hitch and I had to be careful it didn't hit the tire and cause even more damage.

Then, I came inside and one of my brand new chicks had died! Poor peanut. She was chunky and had a crop full of food. I don't quite get it. Last year I brought home 13 chicks and I have adult 13 hens to show for it. Now I'm worried about all the other babies. Fingers crossed.

A farmer once told me that one problem with livestock is that you also sometimes end up with headstock. It's true.

Anyway, beyond that I am totally beat this evening. It was humid and I did a whole lot of strenuous work outside before I even started on the brush-hogging project. I just want to take a hot shower and crash for a while with a book.

I was both missing and angry at H today for abandoning me to take care of this huge place on my own. I was out there wrestling old wire fencing out of a massive rose thicket, and I was getting shredded by the thorns as I fought to cut out the wire and I was thinking that I really could have used his help. Absolutely zero contact from him for 11 days, and that tiny admin-type exchange was only the first since the beginning of April. Sigh. I'm not going to mind read, but it's tempting to feel really badly about myself.

So... feeling kind of low this evening. Husband that doesn't want me, feeling lonely, I have a dead chick and broken equipment that will be hard to deal with, and I'm just feeling the weight of the place today.

I want someone to share my life. I have no idea when or if that will ever happen, nor any idea who it might be with anymore, but probably not my H. Anyway, I'm feeling kind of demoralized.

Not sad, not angry, just down.

(((Phoebe)))

At the risk of repeating myself and sounding like I have a very limited range of vocabulary, you're doing really well.

I get your anger and frustration. I would like to have someone to keep company with. Life just seems too long a time to spend alone.

I love your GAL activities and how you keep active and busy with meaningful activities. But perhaps like me, you still crave for more human contact? How are your meetups coming along?

I realise that I get deeper into a funk when I spend too much time on my own, even if I keep busy and really do enjoy my own company.

Drat about the damage to the bush hog! I hope it's not going to be insanely expensive to fix. Does your dad do welding?

Also sorry about the baby chick...

Very much the reason why I only had chicks the natural way (with a mother hen from my brood).

I can understand you missed H today. Completely natural. But if you're going to feel badly about someone, feel badly about H - he's the one who is behaving badly.

You may have read in my thread that I learned today that H moved OW into our home before the ink was dry on the paperwork. It explains the bullying to get me to sign.

So yes, I know the feeling badly about yourself. And it always amazes me, why we feel bad about ourselves when someone else does something horrible to us? How can that even be? We believe what they tell us because we trust their judgment?

Thanks, Grl. I did three group meeting activities last week. Two were great, and one was... not so much - a bunch of strange people and I'm still trying to navigate contact with the woman that hit on me. I'd like her friendship, but I'm not at all interested in anything more. No idea how to deal with that gracefully.

I look at MeetUps and I am torn. The activities look fine, but I'm having a hard time getting motivated. You're right Grl. I'm probably spending too much time alone again. Of course, I have so much work to do on my place and no one to share the work with, so it's the all me, all the time review. I probably need a day off from both the work and myself.

So, Grl, thanks for the kick in the pants. You pushed me, so I just RSVP'ed to do another MeetUp tomorrow - a nature walk at the park I've been enjoying lately, and then I can go for a hike afterward if the weather cooperates.

Still feeling pretty down, and it's just been an off evening all around.

I guess I'm just thinking about the possibility of being alone, not liking that, and then considering the process of finding a new partner, and dreading that even more. It's not how I imagined my life. I'm sure everyone here feels the same way. It still stinks, even if I have a lot of good company in this lifeboat.

oh. I forgot. Another crummy thing happened today. I hit a rock while mowing the lawn and ruined the engine of my push mower. It started knocking, then started blowing smoke and finally oil started spewing out the muffler, all in a few moments. Perfect. Another project and expense - replace the lawn mower or buy and install a new engine.

So... Blown lawn mower engine, damaged brush hog, dead chick, and just a bummerific sort of day.

Time to hit the hay.

Wondering where my friend SadHub is. Missing his input.

Why, why, why do I do this to myself? Looked at H's stupid photo feed again and there was a comment from OW, loving the photo, followed by all the same colored hearts that I used to text to H. So disgusted.

Now here I am again. Stewing on OW and my poor excuse for a husband and I'm angry, when I want tone sleeping.

I told myself I wasn't going to look anymore. And why would I do it when the day was already crummy? Duh.

I have a photo on my phone that I didn't ask for but keep looking at - H and OW at a restaurant together last week. Framed with flowers by OW and published on her FB-page. H is grinning from ear to ear. I think that's one of the hardest parts. It's the second photo I've seen of them together and he's grinning like crazy in both.

I don't know why we do this. Maybe trying to comprehend. Looking for answers. Hoping it will show that they broke it off.

I'm so sorry.

I wish we both had a better night. It's a full moon, I think?

Hi Phoebe, I hope today is a better day Sweetie. Now then, I'm lucky enough not to have ever seen a photo of H and OW together (yet!) And I have had the occasional peek at their respective FB pages (very poor idea I know!!)

As you say, these things tend to happen on crummy days and we choose to make ourselves feel a bit crummier.....I think sometimes we need to go through that in order to stop doing it at some point going forward.

I would echo what others say about the interactive stuff. We tend to feel so much more upbeat when we have stuff like that going on. One of the best things I have done has been some regular volunteering at a charity bookstore. I love that!! For me, being around books and people and helping those in the most desperate poverty in the process has been so rewarding. Have you thought about doing something like that? It needn't all be Meetups....

Take care anyway and I hope you have a better day xx

OK

Waywards and their OP.

I once analysed OP for Dawn.

I will find and post the link, it's rather tongue in cheek.

Firstly if the wayward has a personality disorder they are going to treat the OP eventually in the same way they treated you. Mad dogs bite the hand that feeds them.

Secondly most As don't last 6 months and 35% don't even go one week. If a new A replaces an old one that's a serial offender, do you really want that guy or gal in your life. Don't you want better than that?

Thirdly, waywards go for those that are available, tacky, tacky, tacky, affair down. What prospect is that?

Finally, the wayward knows they messed up and they are ashamed and guilty. To deflect that they project outwards, it's your fault they cheated. Long trousers time, grow up wayward. Can you trust someone in that mode? Your can love and not trust, that's ok. Let them get their act together first before you let them in. You deserve a better partner don't you, one truly invested in an R with you. The wayward is in love with how they feel when the OP is with them. It's not about the OP but about their own selfish need for validation for their sorry soul. Waywards ultimately aren't happy bunnies, either they are dysfunctional or guilty.

So pretty pictures of an immature wayward mean nothing at all. Illusion to persuade the world of lurve that is mere smoke and mirrors. Do it with you OP, they will do it to you. Gradually we learn the waywardness has been in them all along, we failed to see it. Immoral is as immoral does. Actions speak louder than words. Cheating is a very selfish game, flaunting it shows entitlement and an OP who is brazen and nasty. Who wants to hurt another person, their family and often children? Only a scuzzy or scum more interested in one up. Want that in your life? Wayward you are welcome to it.

Hugs

V

Great post V....yeuch......waywardness is indeed horrible....

It's rotten meet, dressed up with a herby crumb coating and a nice sauce on the side. Looks like the perfect dish, but when you eat into it, there's a different story.

My H's OW has done this TWICE now. Had an A, and his M ended (kids involved.) Cheated on him with XH (child involved) and our M ended. I still struggle to wrap my head around that. I can see how someone might do it once and think - wow, that was a pretty awful situation...but twice?? I manage to feel some compassion in that there must be some sad circumstances from childhood that led to that behaviour.

But in general I feel - wow, you are welcome to each other and I want no part in that....but it does all take time xx

Originally Posted By: Phoebe

Wondering where my friend SadHub is. Missing his input.

Good morning my dear Phoebe!

I apologize for my absence these past several days. I have been checking in on you but have not been in a place with the time to fully post.

I have been in a very odd place this week and struggle to put my finger on the emotions I have felt. so my thoughts are somewhat of a scramble.

But you have been on my mind and as I see the steps you are taking on your journey I continue to find pride in my dear friend Phoebe. Your roller coaster appears to have found the part of the ride with fewer dips in the track, as well as you are appearing to be stronger with each passing day.

Today is a day that I will be back in to connect with you as I plan to try and sort my scrambled mind out so I can take on the new week.

Phoebe, I am here for you and greatly appreciate your check ins on me.

You are a wonderful angel in the midst of the chaos around us and I am grateful for the blessing of knowing you at this juncture of our travels.

Hi Vanilla, Sotto, and SadHub (so glad to hear from you again!).

Today is better, though I still have that off/down feeling going on. SadHub, I can relate to the odd emotions, as I've not been quite able to put a name on the way I've been feeling over the last few days, either. It's weird, like I'm moving on, and yet not, feeling happy sometimes, and yet there is this feeling of being anchored to deeper sadness. Mostly I feel like I'm running away from dealing with whatever is going on by working my tail off to the point of exhaustion.

So... I still have 7 chicks left this morning, but another one has a problem now, too. Coccidia infection is the most likely issue, and I started treating them yesterday morning before anyone even looked off. I was just suspicious, as last year's chicks needed treatment, too. Glad I already had the meds in the house, but not in time to save that first chick. I was almost afraid to look in their box this morning, for fear of a complete die off. I hope I don't lose the next little one.

I need to work on all of my broken equipment - find a new engine for the push mower, new deck bearings for the riding mower (H broke it last fall, so I am totally out of the mowing game now), and a new pin for the brush-hog. I feel like the repairman needs to come and visit! Oh wait... that's me.

Today, given that I have only broken equipment, I am making myself take a day off, with the exception of searching for parts for the above issues.

I have my MeetUp to go to, the tree-focused nature walk and maybe a hike afterward.

I hope that everyone has a good day.

P, my personal recommendation for anybody that shows a desire to be more than friends, that you clearly state boundaries and tell them if they don't honor that, you will not be friends. Unfortunately in most cases people still desire you, and think they will work on it as a friend until you see them as R material. Be careful.

Enjoy the meetup!

You are working hard and it is keeping you busy.
Keep up the efforts with the social connections. As you do so, you will make contacts that will benefit you. This will help with the lonely feelings.

You are doing great and continue to go in spite of some of the odd situations. The journey will be looked back at by you and appreciated.

I will check in later today to see how it went.

The tree walk was really good, though it reminds me that I have a hard time fitting in with people on many of these group activities. I'm super interested, but I'm not a novice. I don't know how to find similar people.

I go to these things and I feel like as soon as I open my mouth that I stick out like a sore thumb. When the forester asks what the tree is and no one answers, I just do it to break the silence. Today I picked up a ring-neck snake to show him to the group. They are super cool, with orange bellies and necklaces on a black body, and I guess I just assume people will be interested. They are, but note to self: to blend in, do not pick up the snakes or point out that there is a scarlet tanangers somewhere overhead.

The presenter told me I should lead the next tree walk, which makes me want to keep my mouth shut. He was being nice, and he was curious where I learned my trees and critters, but it made me self-conscious. Same thing at the homesteading meeting I went to last week.

The woman that I'm still trying to decide if I can be friends with reacted in a typical way when I mentioned driving my tractor and Bobcat. She said, "You don't look or sound like someone who grew up on a farm. " OK. One, what does a farm kid look or sound like, anyway? And two, I didn't. I'm a forest kid, but I've been around heavy equipment my whole life.

How do I find others that think it's just normal to know the world around them and to do the stuff that I do? i don't have the energy to find a hobby friend, a building friend, a farming friend, a birding friend, a hiking friend, a whatever friend... There aren't enough days in the week for that.

If I struggle this much to find commonality for a simple friendship, how on earth will I ever find anyone to share my life with in the future?

I'll be hanging out on the Island of Misfit Toys, an interesting novelty, but ultimately without use.

Yes, still feeling out of sorts today.

Ralph88, thank you for sharing your thoughts on boundaries for friendship. I am definitely not good at that. I'd better figure it out PDQ, though.

Thanks for checking on on me, SH. I missed you!

Phoebe,

I can relate a little bit. I'm a pretty good runner and I run with a few different groups. We run as groups and it isn't competitive. However, they know my race times and they are always giving me crap for being fast. (Like it is a bad thing.) Most of the group is always saying things like, "Don't let us hold you back. You know you can just take off if you want." It makes me feel singled out and as if they don't want me there. It is a barrier to connection since I don't feel comfortable or completely trust them. What I've learned is to NOT do that to others.

Be who you are. There is nothing wrong with you. You are exactly the way you should be based on the life you've had up to now. If others aren't comfortable with that, it is their problem, not yours. I'm guessing more than half the people who have read your posts think you are very likable.

Thank you, tjcran. Your more than half find me likable made me laugh! And the corollary is that a bunch of others... don't.

That just tickled my funny bone.

I get what you're saying, though, and thank you for the 2x4. I'm just a typical person that's done a lot of atypical things in my life. I'm not going to blend in unless I stay silent, but then what would be the point of even going to these activities? I'll just keep trying and maybe I'll stumble across someone that thinks I'm normal.

and not... Abby Normal.

Thank you, tj. I really appreciate your words today.

Phoebe. As a fellow misfit toy, don't you dare blend in. Rock your uniqueness. Lead the tree walk next time! Knowledge is for sharing, I've found. Those people may just not have been exposed to what you have. Just share yourself. New friends don't have to be just like you. They just have to be open to you. You can share different knowledge and experiences that way. Be the one that teaches what you know. Then you will create friends with your knowledge. Can you teach a continuing ed class?

Phoebe,
that is funny, the list of all the 'friends' you would need!
I think it's like finding my H, never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined I'd find someone from my part of the country - I'm from Idaho, he's from Montana, who has traveled, can get by speaking French (I speak French) gets my sense of humor, knows about film, photography and likes to jump in cold rivers and lakes, can build a fire, camp, knows the stars and planets, trees and birds and plants etc.
It can happen! maybe not all of them in one person, but enough so you don't need 7 friends!
I ride a dirt bike, and I don't look like someone who does!

Phoebe,

Your friends will be drawn to the unique person that you are! There is no need to impress just be yourself and people will gravitate to you!

We are all on the island of misfit toys via internet!
Couldn't ask for a more compassionate group of friends!

(((Phoebe)))

Thank you TJ, ciluzen, LandC, and Jim. You guys are wonderful. I know I'll have good company on the Island. You have all made me feel a bit better about my... um, uniqueness.

I've doubted myself so much since H walked that I've started to think that the things I have always liked most about myself are also the very same things that sent him packing. Thank you for reminding me that those things are integral to who I am, not something to hide. I'll try to remember that next time.

As an aside, I did send a quick note to one of the other women at the tree walk today who I was talking to that seemed to have some good tree knowledge. She knew the Hophornbeam, so that says something! Such a great name for a tree.

Yes, I'm a tree geek. I did learn two new trees today that don't grow in my neck of the woods, so I count the walk as a success, even if I didn't necessarily find my tribe.

I like the island of misfit toys. Can I join you? I don't know what I can add to the group, but I will try my darnest to validate each and everyone of you!

Reminds me of Toy Story.

Phoebe, you are great the way you are.

I get this feeling of quirkiness. I work in a rather cut-throat and competitive environment. My colleagues can never figure out if my heart on sleeve is for real or if I am the ultimate double-crosser. I was bothered by this for the longest time but now I have learnt not to give a damn.

I think people are uncomfortable with who we are because they are projecting their own insecurities on us. It really is about them.

I think it's hard to not feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with you when your spouse of decades dumps you and gets together with someone else. I feel like a complete failure these days. It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks about me when the person I had hitched my wagon to rejects me totally.

Sorry, my grief and anger is seeping in everywhere today... Not much encouragement and GALing here right now.

Phoebe, it has been said by many already on your thread, and I know you know it, but be you.

You are not a misfit, well you are, but we all are.

My point is be you. The right persons will be drawn to you at the right times. It is a journey. Focus on the journey, not each interaction.

Also, don't worry what others may think when you are you. Part of DBing is being you and that pertains to this journey. Trust me, as I know we have forgotten this as we dedicated all of us to one person and trusted that they would accept us for who we are, flaws and all. They did not and now we are wounded.

To heal this wound is to find those that do accept us for who we are. Flaws and all. We just have to put them out there and the right folks will find us.

I promise this to you.
I have worked on this with D17 and this past week confirms what I am saying to you here. I will share more details on my thread as it relates to d17, but she has long felt to be the outcast. Right up to our family dinner before her graduation. Now 4 days later and several miracles, her outlook has completely changed.

Yours will as well if you keep on the journey and trust that you will connect with others.

Have a wonderful night and I look to catch up with you soon.

It's totally OK, Painter. I absolutely get it. Today is my day to support you. Hang in there, lovely lady. Your H is truly a fool.

How about we all hang on the Island, and be quirky and not give a damn together?

SadHub, thank you. You're right. I am wounded, and for the very reasons you mentioned. I joke about it, about hanging on the Island of Misfit Toys and such, to protect that wound, but it's real and you and I both know how much it hurts. I did trust him to love and accept me. And he did, until he didn't.

Well, damn it. Cue the tsunami.

Had to take a sobbing hyperventilation break there... There's no stopping it and no point in trying to do so anyway. Feeling it and letting it go is the only way. It's been over a week since the last one. Should have known it was coming the way I've felt the last couple days.

At first it happened every single day, and for a lot longer. Now it's more like once a week, so I guess it's getting easier.

May you sleep well dear Phoebe.

Start your morning off with a pencil smile, then a chocolate meditation, and finally a neature video. That will energize you and get your day off on the right foot.

You know what, SH? I just did the chocolate thing about an hour ago. I don't know if it quite reached the level of mindfulness, but it was pretty sweet (pun intended). Then, I just kept eating it because... well, because it's chocolate!!!

Comfort through chocolate therapy, and I have you to thank for it my friend. You're the only reason I had any in the house to help with my little crisis.

I'll try to follow Dr. SH's therapy plan for tomorrow.

Hi Phoebe, can I just say that your H's cheating is all about him. It in no way relates to your worth as a person. You are worthy of love.

Have you read any of Brene Brown's stuff or watched her TED talks? I found her incredibly helpful.

Take care, you're making good progress and are right where you need to be just now xx

4 am and all is (not) well. Nothing's wrong, really, either, beyond that I just can't sleep. I've been laying here for hours, and so far no nap has been forthcoming. Now it's really too late to take Benadryl unless I want to sleep until noon.

I don't know why I didn't take anything earlier. Yesterday was only the second night I've been able to sleep without help since mid-December. What on earth would make me optimistic that it would work tonight after my little tsunami splashdown this evening?

Sotto, I have not seen anything from BB, but I'm going to go looking tomorrow. Thank you for your kind words. They are most welcome today.

Oh yuck, I am so sorry that sleep continues to elude you.
A friend of mine shared things he went through for insomnia. Maybe look into things as it relates to insomnia for ways to help. He sleeps well now these days.

I know the benefit of medication to help, but it is typically short term as the body adjusts for it. My friend shared how things like ear plugs and habits prior to the sleep really helped. White noise was another thing that assisted him.

Anyway, I hope that you are able to solve this for yourself soon. It is needed for sure.

I hope you found some Z's this night. But if not, hopefully you are so tired for tonight that you sleep like a baby.

Mmmmm......chocolate meditation. It really is good for the mind and the tastebuds. Lol.
Have a wonderful day today.

Sleep is always a challenge, isn't it? If you have started with the chocolate meditation, why not look for some of the guided mindfulness meditations online? Although they are not designed to put you to sleep doing one just before bed can help calm the mind. Hope things get better.

Hey Scrant! I've not had good luck with the guided meditation stuff I've found online so far. I've just found them to be super distracting, either because of the voice, background music, the subject the speaker talks about, or the background birdsong, of all things!!! I'll try again, though.

I don't know what my deal was last night. For starters, why didn't I just take the Benadryl early? I knew it was a difficult night. Beyond that, I really wasn't having the racing mind syndrome. I was just wide awake. I went to bed tired and yawning and then just got more awake as I went until I finally broke down and took some Xanax at 4:45. Tonight, I'm dosing early, adding in melatonin and going to try to reset my clock.

I want to stop taking meds to sleep altogether, so this is a backstop. Oh well.

Onward!!!

I'm feeling better today. I started working on my latest grief homework assignment. The next step is choosing a specific loss in my life and examining that relationship. It can be the most recent loss (my H), but doesn't need to be. Eventually I'll do it for every unresolved relationship from my past. I have to give it some thought.

I want to thank everyone for the kindness you've shown me. This Misfit Toy really appreciates every one of you.

Google 8 week mindful meditation.

You may find the program/book d17 and I have studied for successful meditation such as the chocolate meditation.

Oh by the way time for a new thread.

Please start a new thread.

Here's my new place:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2680085&#Post2680085