I've been fighting to save my marriage for close to 6 months now. I've definitely made mistakes along the way, I learned they were mistakes by reading Michelle's book.
I am afraid it's too little to late for me. How do I know when to just stop fighting? We've been on this roller coaster for over a year, my husband had an ongoing affair most of 2015, and by the end of the year, he demanded a separation (this was our second separation in 2015).
He is pretty mean at this point, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I stuck by his side through the affair, and now I feel taken advantage of. Like since he knew I was sticking around, he kept the affair going because he knew he I would never leave him.
Now he's just saying things like he doesn't want me, he doesn't want to stay married to me, how he's not going to be forced to stay, and that there's no turning back for him at this point. He gave me divorce paperwork yesterday, and I became very anxious. After saying all those mean things, he came back and consoled me, acted normal (and loving) in order to get me to calm down.
After separating in November, we began seeing a very good (solution oriented) therapist, and we made great progress, but about 3 weeks ago, he said he wanted to finalize the divorce, despite all the progress we made, he went against agreements we made in therapy. I just need to know if I should stop fighting to save my marriage. Is it already long gone? What can I do to help myself? Any advice would be appreciated.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I just need to know if I should stop fighting to save my marriage.
Is it already long gone? What can I do to help myself?
If you are asking if you should DETACH and LET GO?
YES!
Most marriages here are over at bomb drop,
just the LBS refuses to accept that.
To help yourself, start with reading my first post and following the advice it contains.
Then keep learning as much as you can.
Remember that DB'ing is counter intuitive,
So doing the opposite is a BIG theme.
Did you ever try to squeeze a bar of soap when it was wet.
The harder you squeeze the harder it is to hold.
Thank you so much for all the links, I will definitely look through them and see how they can benefit me. I just finished reading Michelle's book, The Divorce Remedy. I know I will continue to learn. Thank you!
Hi ahmeds,
I am sorry that you are in this situation. It is a challenging one and everyone here is going through similar struggles. You will find great support, many thoughts and ideas based on individual experiences and most importantly you will find sincere genuine care from everyone.
Post regularly and check others threads to learn from as well as lend any support you may have. I would not wish that anyone find themselves here, but it is a great place to find support and knowledge since we are in the situations we are in.
My first bit of advice is be gentle with yourself and be sure that you take care of yourself physically and emotionally. This is the best way to maintain calm and focus as you will embark on doing things very counter intuitive to many things you have done.
After separating in November, we began seeing a very good (solution oriented) therapist, and we made great progress, but about 3 weeks ago, he said he wanted to finalize the divorce, despite all the progress we made, he went against agreements we made in therapy. I just need to know if I should stop fighting to save my marriage. Is it already long gone? What can I do to help myself? Any advice would be appreciated.
Only you will know if or when you will stop fighting for the marriage. It takes 2 to make a marriage work but Dbing teaches that one can have an influence for the other to get on board. There is no right or wrong answer, but you will know what is best for you.
You can help yourself by Dbing, and remembering a few things as you do.
1. You can not control your S. Nothing that you do should be with the intent of doing so.
2. Dbing is for making lasting changes to yourself. They must be for you and becoming a better you. The goal is to be the person only a fool would leave. When you are that person, the decision will not hurt you regardless.
3. You will make mistakes. Forgive yourself. Learn from them and then get back up and move forward.
As cadet says. You have the gift of time. Use it wisely and to your benefit. This will take time, it will be challenging, but focus on the progress.
My biggest learning in my sitch, is to live in the moment. Looking to the past brings on depression. I can't change the past. Looking to far in the future creates anxiety. Because my mind paints it with the colors of the past. Staying in the moment allows me to let the pain pass quickly, it heightens any joy I may feel, and I can focus on the steps that can provide me with a bright future.
I share this with you to provide hope and peace. I do it also to continue to remind myself of what I must do as I struggle forward each day. But I can tell you I am getting stronger. I am learning much. I am shifting towards the person only a fool would leave.
I lend my support to you and will check in to see how you are doing.
Keep your chin up, believe in yourself and know that you are in my prayers.
Hello Ahmeds,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
There is much that can be done towards moving forward in a positive way. Please notice that I said moving forward instead of moving on.
Sadhub's post really sums things up nicely. This is my favorite part...
As cadet says. You have the gift of time. Use it wisely and to your benefit. This will take time, it will be challenging, but focus on the progress.
My biggest learning in my sitch, is to live in the moment. Looking to the past brings on depression. I can't change the past. Looking to far in the future creates anxiety. Because my mind paints it with the colors of the past. Staying in the moment allows me to let the pain pass quickly, it heightens any joy I may feel, and I can focus on the steps that can provide me with a bright future.
I share this with you to provide hope and peace. I do it also to continue to remind myself of what I must do as I struggle forward each day. But I can tell you I am getting stronger. I am learning much. I am shifting towards the person only a fool would leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I appreciate all the advice I am receiving, and I am already benefiting from joining this community. I'm still learning forum rules and abbreviations, so I apologize if I do something incorrectly.
My H says he's been emotionally checked out for almost 2 years now. I think he sends mixed signals at times, and he acts as though he cares a lot. When I bring that up to him, he says he was just acting like he was happy. I know my biggest issue was lack of control over my emotions, which went downhill after finding out about his affair. I was shocked and heartbroken, but I forgave him each time I found out more information. I think because I was so forgiving and accepting of him, I was taken advantage of.
In my heart, I still feel like he's making a huge mistake. I guess I just want more advice on how to accept to let go of this. Deep down, I know it'll be better for me to just let him go, but a stronger part of me deep down tells me never to stop fighting.
He gave me the papers over the weekend, but I haven't even thought about signing them. I just don't feel like I am strong enough. Despite how much he has hurt me, I truly still love him, and it's very difficult for me to let go. Currently we live apart, so I tend to go into pretty deep depression because I am alone so often. We recently moved to a new city, so I have no family around me, and haven't made too many friends yet. I try doing things for myself that I enjoy like going bike riding and attending yoga classes, but sometimes I cannot even motivate myself to get out of bed. I tend to put a lot of the blame on myself.
I've always been there for him, and I've always supported him. Granted, I made my fair share of mistakes in our marriage, but I never had an affair, and I never loved someone the way I love him.
I'm just hurting and I want help to manage my emotions. I don't know what the outcome of this will be, but I do know I want to become a stronger person.
Thankful for this community.
Me: 29; H: 30
M: 4 years
BD: 11/7/2015
I moved out 12/12/2015
D is in process of being filed
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I am struggling severely. I want to give up, but I love him so much. He just insists on divorce, and blames my lack of emotional control. He had an affair, and I continuously found out information last year, from January to November. I wanted to show him that I was committed to sticking by his side, despite his mistakes, but I was so insecure, and I was dealing with something that was very traumatic for me. He didn't support me in the way that I needed, so my anxiety increased, especially when I thought about the other woman. So because of my lack of growth and control of my emotions, he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I blame him for my emotional trauma, he blames me for being weak. It's a vicious cycle, and I don't know how to get out of it. Help in anyway way please.
I blame him for my emotional trauma
Although being bomb dropped is horrible, YOUR emotional trauma is
not his to bear.
It is not his job to make you happy.
This is a place where DB'ing comes into play.
Our job is to make ourselves strong, healed and whole.
Once we are at this place then having a relationship with another person that is strong, healed and whole can then happen.
So your job is to work on your 50% of the relationship - YOU.
You make yourself into a person that only a fool would leave.
Have you read the homework?
ahmeds
I know the pain that the emotions can cause and there are difficult. But it is important that you seek out the means to heal and grow from it. Study DR, seek out an IC, therapist, see an MD, if needed, and any other means that can aid you.
Focusing on him and blaming will not help. It is natural to have those feelings but over time it will simply keep the wounds fresh and in pain.
It is time to focus on you.
Keep posting, there is support here, but look to take the needed steps to move yourself in a positive direction.
I have you in my prayers, and hope you can find some peace this day.
I was in a very similar situation as you, still am but there seems to be a silver lining. My H had an affair with a co-worker (21 yo nurse where he works in another state every other week) and even proposed she be a "second" wife. All while I was back home taking care of our two young children, pregnant with #3 and working 40+ hours a week as a resident physician. I pleaded, screamed, punched walls, sobbed and everything else you aren't supposed to do. I threatened divorce and saw a lawyer twice. I called him every vile name in the book and probably invented some new ones. I found the address to OW's parents and sent them a letter explaining the situation. They were shocked and confronted their daughter, she quit her job and moved back home with them.
My marriage was ashes at that point. I started researching DBing a month ago, hired a coach and started posting here. I did the 180 even when I wanted to vomit from the pain. And you know what? It looks like it's working. My H went from aloof, cold, cruel and nasty to a guy that is calling me twice a day and starting to pursue me. It's not fireworks yet but the responses are starting to come. YOU can recover from this, I promise. And in the end your marriage may be salvageable, the right way, with your dignity intact. If not then you still leave the marriage gracefully and with dignity.
I am very thankful for the responses I am getting as they are very helpful to me.
Cadet, I did read over the links you sent me, and plan to implement a lot of what I have learned.
SadHub, I totally agree that I need to focus on myself now, but for me that is so hard. I know it sounds pathetic, but he was all I had. I am in a new city because we moved here together a little over a year ago. I don't have any family near me, and haven't made many friends yet, so it's been so hard because I am alone ALL THE TIME.
SadSara, you sound like a very strong individual that has learned from their situation. I admire that and hope that I can become strong in that manner myself. I've actually debated contacted the other woman's parents myself, the other woman was actually a close friend so it was like a double betrayal for me, and both my H and the OW never admitted to anything, and I feel like they got away with things without consequences. I know it is not my job to make them face consequences, but it just adds to my pain knowing they got away with so much.
I loved the DR book. It has helped me so much, and I plan to reread it so I can focus on strategies that will help my situation specifically. I've hired a coach and will be having my second session with her tomorrow. Despite that, I do have set backs and I do things that I KNOW are pushing him away more and making him resent me even more. I'm honestly worried that at this point if I don't accept it, then it'll be emotionally unhealthy for me. He has given me the paperwork and is demanding I return it signed to him by Monday. I am going to write out the last resort letter with my coach tomorrow, and I plan to deliver it to him with the divorce papers. Would you guys advise that I do it that way? Or should I give him the last resort letter, and then give the divorce papers a few days later? I'm still being hopeful, but at the same time trying to move on with my life. I know miracles can happen, and that's exactly what I would need at this point to make this marriage survive.
Thank you all again.
Ahmeds,
Please take some time to breath. Your posts sound self defeating and as if you are spinning a lot. Trust me I know the feeling and look back and am thankful for the folks in my very small social circle and on these forums for being direct with me in those times. For that I want to be direct with you and as they say around here, here is a 2x4.
You must turn all of your focus and energy to yourself. Do not worry about what he has done or will do. There is no controlling him, so focus on controlling yourself. I know first hand how challenging it is to create a social circle. My WAW and children are everything to me and I live in a place with no family. I am very introverted so I don't have many friends either. But this is the time to step out and make a social circle. It will be a challenge, but if you do it you will ease some pain and you will get stronger. Please do it. Check out the web site for Meetup.
Listen to your coach, that will be your best bet. If he wants a d you can not stop it. Your coach can advise how to proceed though. Know that there are not one size fits all answers. But if you do what you believe in, not what you feel, then you will be better for it. DB is counterintuitive but it is the best way to help you become the person you need to be to stand tall no matter the outcome.
Accepting what you can do and what you can become is the most important.
Breath, be kind to yourself, be gentle to yourself, look towards yourself and what you want to be. Following the strategies in DR will help you DB until you are the person only a fool would leave.
Follow other threads to see folks at different points in this journey. This can give you perspective, hope and knowledge.
Please forgive me if this sounds harsh. My goal is not to make you feel down. It is to ask you to stand up and believe in yourself, take a chance to do things that are not in your norm or comfort zone. I send you my support and have you in my prayers.
Breath, take special care of yourself, and use the gift of time to your benefit. You will not regret it.
HI SadHub,
Thank you so much for you honesty, it was not harsh or taken the wrong way at all. It was what I needed to hear. We've only been married 4 years, but during those years I always put him first, so having all this time to myself and putting myself first is definitely a weird transition, but I am going to be willing to do it.
I'm always nervous about meeting new people, but I will put myself out there so that I can become a stronger person. I know it has to be done. I cannot be this emotional wreck anymore. I also have to believe in the power of God,and that He plans what's best for us.
Thank you for your reply.
Very nice sadhub, I liked the part where you said, if you do what you believe in, not what you feel, then you will be better for it.
Ahmeds, this is an opportunity to find yourself. You've invested so much into your WH. Now start investing in yourself.
Ahmeds,
Post often, review others stories and you will find strength and ways to overcome your opportunities to step out of the comfort zone.
We are here to cheer you on, hear your vents and share our thoughts and concern for you.
Have a wonderful day and take one step at a time.
I keep on thinking that he left me for the OW. I know those thoughts are self-defeating, but with the amount of progress we've been making, nothing else makes sense to me.
The affair got so serious that they were talking about marriage and living together, do I believe any of that? Could that be realistic? Anytime I asked for reassurance he would get upset, he hated it when I brought up his past mistakes. Now that we're separated, he just says he has no obligation to reassure me about anything. I'm just drowning in my thoughts about the OW. It's really hard to focus on myself sometimes.
abmeds,
Please read again my post above about where your focus needs to be.
Your last post is all about him.
You are what you think and focus on.
I know it is a challenge, but you must do this.
Please identify a DB principle for yourself and do it. LRT, 180, GAL.
Then post about it. Let us see you trying to implement something for your good.
I am praying for you, and I know you can get out of the loop for a few minutes. You must just take one step first.
I know my posts are often self defeating, and I don't post much about the steps I am taking, so I am going to take some time to do that as well.
After reading DR, the 180 & GAL techniques were two that I knew I had to apply. I always revolved everything around him, so as hard as it was, I knew I needed to do stuff for MYSELF. I've stepped out of the box and gone to social events, despite my fear of going alone, and I forced myself to socialize with people. Also, I've always had an interest in biking, but when my H and I lived together I could not buy one because we simply did not have the space to put it anywhere. So, I went out and bought myself a bike so that I could go riding on the trials that I live near.
I've done my best to do these things because I did look at them as the LRT, basically I have to do this to show change, and in the end, even if he doesn't come back, at least I've improved myself.
I spoke with my coach yesterday, and she helped me write up the last resort letter, which I sent to my H today. He wants the signed divorce papers by tomorrow, so the coach suggested I send the letter today. I am not expecting much out of it, but writing it out did give me a sense of closure. Knowing that I did not leave any stone unturned.
Despite all of that, the feelings of a broken heart, depression, loneliness, etc.., tend to take over at times. I can't help but wonder about the other woman, and how betrayed I feel by what my husband did. I know those are just setbacks, and I will continue to move forward despite the difficulty of the situation.
I have the same struggles, Ahmeds. I will say the extreme crashes have lessened in frequency and severity but they still happen. I still find my mind wandering to OW sometimes and forcefully stop myself. I will start to recite verses from holy scripture, replay a song in my head or start complex math...anything to stop wasting head space on a person who isn't a fraction of my worth.
I think OW are truly broken people, they are willing to take scraps instead of a whole meal, like a stray dog starving for leftovers. Meanwhile you and I are queens, we settle for nothing but the best. We hold our heads proud and our spines erect, we are faithful and kind. I think you will understand this next line, we are Kadijah and the OW is less than a right hand possession.
So chin-up sister, and work on making yourself someone that only a fool would give up.
Good morning ahmeds,
Wanted to give a drive by hug, and see how you are doing.
(((ahmeds)))
Bumping this up for ahmeds' readers to help refresh their memories of her situation.
Ahmeds,
I read your post on the other thread, and I wish I had some words or instructions that would remove the emotional pain you are feeling. But it is a process. And it will take work and a PMA.
For starters, if you are struggling with depression and anxiety, please see and MD or a psychiatrist and discuss your situation and options. Maybe an AD can help with this. Trust me I know the spinning feelings that you are having. They feel real and are debilitating. Maybe an AD can balance you some so you can really implement DBing with a PMA.
Time. It will take time.
There is a saying, that if you are already in hell, then just keep going. It applies here.
Keep posting, keep reading, there is lots of support here. It can give you some strength, but you will be doing the heavy lifting.
My support is here for you. My prayers are for you. And I have come from where you are at and know you can survive it, if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, so please look down and take a step........
Hear my cheers
Feel my support
Follow the advice of those here, that have walked the path that you must now follow.
You got this.
SadSara, your reply made me smile! I love what you said, and took some encouragement from it, so thank you!
SadHub, thank you so much for continuously checking in and giving me words of encouragement. I truly appreciate it.
On another note, although I am new to this forum, how awesome would it be if there was a retreat for all the people on this forum who are struggling and helping each other out! It would be so cool to meet some of you in person.
Today was a good day for me, but yesterday was awful! As part of my GAL attempt, I adopted a kitten from a shelter who is very loving and sweet. I always loved cats but could never get one because my H is so allergic to them. Also, I am planning a trip to go to the beach next week. It'll be a solo trip, but I am really looking forward to it because I love the beach, I just find it so relaxing.
I did want some input from people here on something else...Sometimes my H acts as though we are not going through a D at all. During our marriage, we were always very playful with each other, and had a lot of inside jokes. When I do talk to him on the phone, he says some of those inside jokes, and plays around like old times. A few weeks back when he came to help me move some furniture into my apartment, he even initiated a push up contest, again, just a way of being playful because that's the way we were for most of our relationship. I've brought this up to him in the past, about why he acts so normal and yet is still going through with a divorce, and he says he's just trying to be nice...I see it as mixed signals. Sometimes when he acts this way, it gives me hope that he will come back to this marriage, but I'm afraid that hope is bad for me because I know at the end of the day, I'll still be let down. I just don't understand why he acts normal, and then later hands me divorce papers.
I'm not sure if I mentioned this previously, but we separated in November of 2015, and since then while seeing our therapist, we made a lot of positive progress, and he was showing signs of commitment. We even went and looked at houses together, and discussed where we wanted to live, but out of nowhere, he talked to me about moving forward with a divorce because he just cannot connect to me emotionally. Another thing I find a bit odd is that he has not told anyone that he is going through with a divorce. He even has family visiting from out of town this Saturday, and he hasn't told them that I won't be there...He said that he was going to "surprise" them after they got there, and tell them that he was getting a divorce.
Is it just me, or is this odd behavior? Despite the affair, and all the lies my husband has told me, I still love him very much and pray every day that he will wake up and come to his senses. I signed the divorce papers and gave them back to him, but since I had such an awful day yesterday, I asked if he could delay turning them in. He was okay with delaying it, but he's only delaying it until next week.
My H has been back and forth a lot with this idea of divorce. He claims I manipulated him and forced him to stay with me when he wanted out, but I truly believe he is just conflicted.
Sorry for the lengthy post. I'm glad I have a place where I can get open feedback. Praying things get easier for all that are struggling with marital turmoil.
Ahmeds,
I am sorry you are going through this. I just want to offer support. I will read your sitch as soon as I can.
Hi ahmeds.
I'm caught up on you sitch now, and, again, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you are here. Your H's signals are very confusing. My H sent me incredibly confusing signals for the first 3 months he was gone, and I let myself hope. I even started to tell people, 'H left me in December, but I think he's coming back.' Well... My hopes were decimated after that and I was much worse off than if he had just left me and never said another word.
Hope is a double-edged sword, and I have learned that, for me, hope was my enemy. I lost 3 months during which I could have been starting to heal.
Remember that you shouldn't believe a word your H says right now, and that means you can't believe either the good OR the bad. Don't get hopeful because he throws you a few crumbs. Don't be devastated because he spews some poison in your direction. Consider the source, and know that the source is no longer credible.
One thing I will absolutely stress to you is how important it is to go see your doctor and talk about what's going on in your life. I saw a doc very very early in this process and I have been seeing her regularly ever since. Initially she gave me meds for anxiety, and then when I started showing more signs of reactive depression I got started on anti-depressants. In hindsight, I wish I had started them sooner. When H pulled the rug out from under that hope I had, I crashed big time.
That was the point at which I started reaching out in every possible direction for help. You need to do the same. Be willing to do whatever it takes to get the help you need. Reach out in any way you can. Sorry this repeats my reply to you on my own thread.
There is one other thing you need to know, ahmeds. Anything you feel right now is completely normal. When you feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, or anything at all, acknowledge your feelings, know that they are normal, and let those feelings pass through you. Don't fight it or try to stuff the emotions down. They will only get stronger and more insistent. This was a very hard lesson for me to learn. Its OK to be sad. Let yourself feel it.
If all you want to do is lie in bed, then allow yourself to do that for a day, knowing that you will get up, shower, get dressed, and do something different the next day.
Your heart is broken, but you are not. You are a normal person going through something that is incredibly difficult and painful.
(((ahmeds)))
One other thing. I forgot to tell you how to set up your signature.
Go to: My Stuff menu, then Edit Profile. Scroll to the bottom of the information options, and you will see a box on which to enter your signature information. It's a great way for people to see a quick summary of your situation.
One other thing, one I think you're already doing, since you found my thread and posted to it: read other threads and post to them. Weave yourself into the fabric of this community by reaching out to others. Choose a few threads from people who are at different stages in their relationships than you are, follow them, and offer them your support. Everyone here could use some kind words, and they will do the same for you once they get to know you.
Use your thread as a journal, too. Write here to help yourself, whether to sort out your thoughts, or to remind yourself of the progress you are making.
Hugs.
Thank you so much Phoebe for all the advice. I have seen a doctor and I got medication for anxiety and depression. I have actually been taking less and less of it though because I've been learning how to manage myself a little better, and I don't feel I really need the medication as much anymore.
One thing you said that has stuck with me is that I cannot believe anything my H says, the good or the bad. I think what I have been doing is not believing the bad, but believing all of the good. Hope is definitely very dangerous, it's hope that makes me backpaddle and undo any progress I make. It's very difficult to talk to him, because I try my best to be normal, and as soon as I get off of the phone, I crash. Communication is very limited now, and I try to avoid it, but there are logistical things that need to be worked out, so we have to speak every now and then.
I've never been a very confident person, so this whole situation has just brought me down even more. I've been reaching out to a lot more people now, and that seems to help a little, but nothing fills the void the way it would be filled if my husband were around.
The thing that causes more anxiety than anything else right now is the fact that there is a possibility he will end up with her. I don't know how to get that thought out of my head, but I honestly believe he left me so that he could be with her. It was a pretty intense EA, and they expressed their love for each other...they talked about where they were going to live together after they got married...I honestly think she's the reason why my marriage fell apart.
Starting a new day at work. Today may be a little tougher than yesterday. I couldn't sleep much because I kept thinking about his life with this other woman who was once my good friend...
I'm glad that you've reached out to your doctor for help already. I wouldn't go weaning off any antidepressants right now, as you are still in the thick of things, and will be for the foreseeable future. Given how long they take to get to effect, I'd just hang int here and plan to stay on them for at least another few months. If they aren't' causing you side effects, then they are a good back up security plan.
I can't imagine how awful it mush be to have the OW be a close friend. You are dealing with two very distinct and separate betrayals, and together they add up to so much pain.
We all want to believe anything good that our spouses say. It makes us feel a bit better. It gives us hope, but you need to resist that urge. Nothing they say is reliable right now, and no relationship is possible when they are with another person, either in an EA or a full-blown PA. They are checked out and will say whatever suits the situation at the moment. I never imagined my H could be such a gifted liar, but there he was, saying whatever was expedient and would avoid additional discomfort for him.
Hang in there.
(((ahmeds)))
I'd like to hear some thoughts about telling family members from his side about the affair. My purpose is not to get members from his family on my side, instead it is to hopefully get him some help and have them talk some sense into him.. In the end, it may not do anything, but as Michele says, if I am going to accept the divorce, I want to make sure I don't leave any stone unturned.
I just think it's odd that he has not told any of his family of his decision, and if he has told anyone, he just says it's because we don't get along, and that is not the case, AT ALL. We get along just fine, yes our fights may have been unhealthy, but, on a day to day basis, we got along just fine. We made SO much progress through therapy, I just want someone to make him see that divorce is not the solution to our problems.
I know at the end of the day, he's the only one that can realize this, and no one can stop him from doing this, or force him to stay. I'm just trying everything. Despite all that he's done to hurt me, I do not want to lose him..
I got through the week okay, and didn't talk to my WAH all week. He texted me today asking how I was doing, and I responded in a cordial manner, but kept it short. Even with such a small conversation, my anxiety and depressing feelings came back. I do so much better when I don't talk to him, but as soon as I start talking to him again, all the negative feelings and anxious thoughts come back.
I'm not sure how to move forward with the process of the divorce in a amicable manner if I take 100 steps back every time he reaches out to me. I make progress when I push him out, as soon as he's back, even if it's for a conversation that only lasts a few minutes, I feel very weak again. Granted, I do not show him emotions, and I didn't let him know how I was feeling, I just don't know how to be stronger whether I am speaking to him or not.
Hoping someone has some advice.
He's ashamed and guilty of his actions. My WW has closed out every single person that really cares for her M, as they would not condone her behaviour. She now only keeps her new friends around. Meanwhile i've told the world, which was probably not a good thing, if an opportunity for reconciliation arises.
As for the anxiety, it's because after you have spoken to him, you wonder what he's thinking, is the chat going to bring you two closer, or take you farther away. That's when you need to rather live in the moment, your moment, look around you, keep him out of your head.
You don't need to do anything about the D, let him do all the work, sign when you're happy. Not for him, but for you.
Do you deserve a no-good cheating husband? No one does.
Ahmeds,
You need to be more forgiving with yourself. Of course you feel all turned around after he contacts you. This man was to be your garment of protection and instead he hurt you in the most awfl way a spouse can hurt another. But you are taking the baby steps necessary to start detaching. This technique is more trial and error than an exact science. You try different things, the thing that brings positive change work, the thing that causes a spiral into arguing and conflict do not.
About exposing the affair, you will read different philosophies. In my case this is what I did and the consequences. I sent a certified letter to OW parents and I also called my in-laws and told MIL everything. The letter resulted in OW quitting her job and sending my H a NC text as well as a text to me profusely apologizing. (desired result but that was no guarantee) Telling my in-laws was a huge mistake. My MIL now constantly asks me why I was an inadequate wife that "drove him to find another woman." It's gotten to the point that I avoid calls from her. She is from another culture, a misogynistic one, that will lay the blame at the woman's feet regardless of how perfect she is.
If a divorce does occur in my case I do not plan on protecting H. If he lies and someone asks me about the divorce I will bluntly tell them it was infidelity. IS this the right thing to do? For me it is but I can generalize to everyone's situation.
ahmeds,
I am sorry that things have been difficult this week. Be gentle with yourself.
Check out the red talk buy Guy Winch. It can share some ideas for the depression and anxiety.
Continue to DB with the focus of GAL, and healing yourself.
Keep posting and reading others situations that are similar for support and guidance.
Ted Talk by Guy Winch.
Sorry spell check not helping me here.
Thank you all for your responses. Reading them makes me feel human. Like I am going through this process to the best of my ability, and the things I am feeling are NORMAL. My H made me feel guilty for my anxiety and depression, and told me I was not a strong person. It was like being kicked while down, the feeling was awful. But, after being here, I realize that I am not as weak as he portrays me to be. I stood by his side through the affair, I wanted to be his protector and someone that would help him wake up realize he can be happy if he just allows himself to be. I've also realized I cannot force him to see any of this. I can only depend on God, and the fact that He will give both my H and I what is best.
I did decide against telling anything to his family, at the end of the day, they're his family, so no matter what he's done, they're going to stand by his side.
As for the hope I have within my heart, it's still there, and I think will always be there until I've completely dropped all communication with him. Right now I am confused because of some of his actions. He plans to come over to my place tonight, just to hang out. We don't have any reason for this, especially since we do not have kids involved, but I'm okay with him coming over, actually looking forward to his company, but I don't know if it's what's best, it may be desire beating logic right now..but I'll wait till he reaches out to see if he even does come by.
Thanks SadHub for the suggestion on the Ted Talk, I will definitely check it out.
I've been on this forum constantly, reading and learning from other's experiences. I hope I can be strong enough to get through this and come out a stronger, more stable person.
I would not recommend making yourself too available to him. He needs to prove he wants you back and will work for it. I would find a reason to spend just a half hour and then "have plans" and go out. Even if you're going to a book store or drive around, just don't appear as if you are waiting around pining for him.
Good suggestion SadSara. I'm not sure it's actually even going to happen. I will not reach out to him to ask if he still plans to come, and if he doesn't let me know, I'm not even going to mention it. I know that doesn't sound like much, but for me it's a pretty big deal. Baby steps...
Found out this morning that he did go ahead and file the papers with the court. I don't know why I had hope. For some reason I thought he wouldn't go through with it. Up to this point, I constantly stood by his side, waiting for him to wake up and realize his mistake. Dreaming of a world where we are back together again because he came back to reality. I knew having those hopes and dreams were not healthy, so I did this to myself, but I'm feeling pretty depressed today.
ahmeds,
What are you going to do today to fight the depression? You recognize that you may have set yourself up for this. Are you going to continue down the same path of setting yourself up for disappointment moving forward? Is this a cheesless tunnel you are wandering down?
I do not mean to sound harsh, but please apply some emotional first aid to yourself immediately , stop cutting the wound further. Have you watched the TedTalk I recommended? I would highly recommend that you reach out to a professional for assistance with the depression. An IC, an MD, someone that you can trust and can assist. But know that you will also need to put in some of the work to turn this around.
Please be kind to yourself today. It is a challenging time once you receive this news. You had hoped it would not happen, and now it has. Don't lose hope, just place it onto a different place.
I have hope for you. I have hope that you can take the advice shared with you and apply it. I see in your posts that you understand the advice. Please share with us that you are applying it.
Again I do not want to come of as harsh. I am in the battlefield here with you and the bombs are falling all around us and we are both injured. We can sit here and pray a another bomb does not fall on us. Or I can scream and holler and be direct to you to get up, get moving and lets get out of the kill zone where the bombs are falling.
Take care of yourself today. Find some action that can relive some of the pain, so that you can take some steps to start the healing process. Focus on you.
(((ahmeds)))
I am here for you. What ideas do you need from me that I can share that you can take action on?
SadHub,
You don't ever have to apologize for being too harsh. I appreciate your honesty, and I know everything you are saying is being said with the intention of helping me out.
You're right about it being a cheeseless tunnel, I've found myself here before, where things are seemingly good, and out of nowhere another bomb drops on me. I'm better off when I don't speak with him, because when I speak with him, he acts like his normal self with me. The playful, loving man I fell in love with, that is what gives me hope. I don't understand why he acts like everything is normal between us, maybe it's a way of lessening the guilt?
I let myself feel the pain from earlier. I cried about it, laid in bed for a little while, but then forced myself up. I prayed, and I went out and bought myself a nice lunch. For this evening, I have plans with a good friend who is in town, so it'll be good for me to get out.
I loved your analogy of being in a battlefield. You sound like a very wise man, and your W is pretty stupid not to realize that (sorry for being harsh).
I don't know what it is about my situation that makes me feel like I HAVE TO help my husband. He's had SUCH a tough life. From his dad abandoning them when he was a toddler, to being abused when he was a child by his mom, to getting stage 4 cancer in college (TWICE!). He just doesn't know how to deal with emotions because that side of him is so messed up by his life experiences. As soon as someone hurts him, he does not know how to put his guard back down. He holds up a wall of resentment, and doesn't know how to let people back in. I firmly believe that's what is happening with our marriage now, and that's what is keeping me from accepting the divorce. I've definitely done things wrong in the marriage that really hurt him, but I've learned and grown into a better person. I know I am different, I just wanted him to stick around to see those changes, but he just won't open back up.
I know I cannot help someone who does not want to be helped, but it hurts me to see that he won't accept my help and see that we can truly have a fruitful marriage again.
Tomorrow I am supposed to go to our old place and pack the remainder of my belongings. I think that'll help me gain some closure as well. He said he'd help me because I cannot pack, load, and unload everything by myself. Then he said we'd get dinner afterwards. To me that's MIXED SIGNALS. Makes me SO confused. He acts like a caring friend, and then he still goes on with the divorce. My plan is to just be as cordial as possible, not show him any emotion, and just show appreciation with the fact that he is helping me out.
Thanks again for your advice. i'll keep posting here.
I realized I did not answer some questions. I watched the Ted Talk last night that you recommended, and it was a great. I read a book on a similar topic called Emotional Intelligence. It was a great read, and it gives you tips on how to take care of yourself emotionally.
I"ve been seeing a therapist since we separated in November. I saw one for a few months last year as well after finding out about the affair. But, the one I've been seeing since November has been a huge help. My H and I went to her together, and we made a lot of progress with her. Unfortunately, she's quitting on May 31st, so I'll have to find another trustworthy therapist. I'm definitely putting in work of my own to get myself back on my feet, it's just a very heartbreaking process, especially since I love my husband so much.
I let myself feel the pain from earlier. I cried about it, laid in bed for a little while, but then forced myself up. I prayed, and I went out and bought myself a nice lunch. For this evening, I have plans with a good friend who is in town, so it'll be good for me to get out.
Perfect! This I like to hear. This is the way to give that emotional first aid. Very well done and I commend you for doing this in such a difficult day for you.
I loved your analogy of being in a battlefield. You sound like a very wise man, and your W is pretty stupid not to realize that (sorry for being harsh).
Thank you for the compliment. And I don't think you are being to harsh.
. I have been in an anger stage of late and I have used similar words my self. Not out loud mind you, but the sentiment was the same in my mind.
I don't know what it is about my situation that makes me feel like I HAVE TO help my husband. He's had SUCH a tough life. From his dad abandoning them when he was a toddler, to being abused when he was a child by his mom, to getting stage 4 cancer in college (TWICE!). He just doesn't know how to deal with emotions because that side of him is so messed up by his life experiences. As soon as someone hurts him, he does not know how to put his guard back down. He holds up a wall of resentment, and doesn't know how to let people back in. I firmly believe that's what is happening with our marriage now, and that's what is keeping me from accepting the divorce. I've definitely done things wrong in the marriage that really hurt him, but I've learned and grown into a better person. I know I am different, I just wanted him to stick around to see those changes, but he just won't open back up.
I know I cannot help someone who does not want to be helped, but it hurts me to see that he won't accept my help and see that we can truly have a fruitful marriage again.
I would encourage that you check out material about codependency. This can aid you and answer questions that you have about your desire to help him and wait for him in spite of his poor behaviors towards you.
Tomorrow I am supposed to go to our old place and pack the remainder of my belongings. I think that'll help me gain some closure as well. He said he'd help me because I cannot pack, load, and unload everything by myself. Then he said we'd get dinner afterwards. To me that's MIXED SIGNALS. Makes me SO confused. He acts like a caring friend, and then he still goes on with the divorce. My plan is to just be as cordial as possible, not show him any emotion, and just show appreciation with the fact that he is helping me out.
Thanks again for your advice. i'll keep posting here.
These are mixed signals. And you will believe nothing that he says and only half of what he does. You will make a decision that is best for you at this point. If him helping you move will cause ongoing confusion and hurt emotions, then politely decline his offer and find assistance from a friend or someone else.
If going to dinner will lead to you feeling uncomfortable and confused by his actions, then politely refuse and do something else with someone else. You do not owe it to him to accept any of these offers.
Personally I think it is time for you to minimize your contact and conversations as long as the back and forth that you have been dealing with can stop.
You owe it to you to heal now. You can not fix him. He must do that on his own now.
Please take care, avoid the land mines that he is placing on the field by not walking into the field.
Sleep well and may your day tomorrow be a good one.
Great to hear that you found the TedTalk beneficial.
2 others that may benefit you are about happiness.
Look for Shawn Achor and Matthieu Ricard. These both focus on adjusting ones point of view in order to control happiness from within.
A good therapist can be a challenge to find. That's a tough break that the one you like is quitting. I believe you will find another good one. I am sending out positive vibes so that you will find an even better one.
Thanks for all of the tips. I will definitely check out the other Ted Talks you recommended.
Last night was extremely difficult for me. I honestly don't know why yesterday was so hard. I guess it was because I realized he turned the paperwork into the court. Maybe that was a sign for me that all my efforts were worth nothing to him, whatever the reason, I had a rough day and even rougher night. I did spend some time with friends, but as soon as I got in the car to go home, I had a panic attack. I just couldn't contain it anymore. Of course in that state, I made the HUGE mistake of calling him. He started by comforting me, but quickly became frustrated. He got frustrated because he felt like I couldn't control my emotions, and I got frustrated when he said that because I feel like I am in this emotional state because of his cheating and lying for most of last year. I know I messed up by contacting him, it was a very big setback for me, because I was making progress.
It really hurts me and makes me depressed that he does not see the changes I've made within myself, he's just not waiting around to see that we can recover from his infidelity. I know I should've been stronger in how to handle it, but I'm only human, and I was extremely hurt and betrayed.
At this point my goal is to completely let him go. I guess this whole time I had hope that he'd come to his senses, he wouldn't go through with it, that he would come back because he realizes it's a mistake. Everyone around me believes he's making a mistake, he's the only one that does not see it.
Sometimes the pain I am in becomes unbearable, and I feel like I cannot get through this. I feel wronged and like I was taken advantage of, especially since I stayed when most people would've left.
My heart is heavy, just need to take it a day at a time. Hour by hour.
ahmeds,
Please research co dependency. You need support and assistance for this so that you can break the cycle.
It is difficult to see you going in circles and putting yourself into the situations that are sending you reeling like this.
You must start taking actions that are counter intuitive to the actions you continue to fall back on. 180's so to speak, stay out of the cheesless tunnels, etc.
You need to make your efforts for you. Cut the rope, for your sake, cut the rope and let him fall. Do not let his action continue to pull you down.
ahmeds, I am praying for you.
Ahmeds, I've gotten really behind on your sitch, but I see that we are probably at the same point, legally, or I may be a day or two behind.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I knew it was absolutely possible that H might never wake up, but I was still shocked to find that he had actually started the legal process to end our M. Your grief is your own and I can't ever truly understand it, but know that you have my support in your struggles.
What I most wanted to say to you, though, is this: just as we didn't break them, it is not in our power to fix them. We cannot shoulder the blame for their unhappiness, even if they try to put that weight on us. Ultimately everyone, including the WAS, is responsible for their own happiness.
I believe many (most, maybe even all???) waywards are fundamentally broken in one way or another and they are out frantically self-medicating their wounds in an attempt to feel better. They are looking outside themselves for the healing that can only come from within. They have their own journey to make.
Put on your own oxygen mask first and take care of yourself.
You have to let your H be broken. He is not your responsibility.
(((ahmeds)))
Thank you SadHub and Phoebe.
SadHub, do you have a specific book you recommend on codependency? I looked it up this morning, and there are a lot of books out about it, I just want to make sure I read the right one, so I thought I'd ask you before I committed to reading one. Thank you for your support and kind words. You're absolutely right about all that you said. I finished packing my stuff today, which was extremely difficult, and he helped me load and unload my car. We managed to be pretty cordial the whole time.
Now that logistics are done, paperwork is done, I have no excuse to reach out and speak to him. He did say we could potentially get together sometime this week, but I honestly think he is doing that out of guilt for putting me in this state.
I can't help but believe he is doing all of this to be with the other woman. He has some strange behaviors still, and I saw that he purchased something from a Gucci store for $900...I have no idea what that was, and who it was for, but of course my mind went straight to the other woman. I am so tempted to snoop because I just want to know if this is for her, but I know that would just be another cheeseless tunnel for me, so I will fight that temptation.
Phoebe, my heart goes out to you. It's so heartbreaking when you first find out the WAS began the legal process. It makes everything feel way more real. I pray that you get through this in a strong manner, and pray that you will get something better out of this situation that you are currently in, because you certainly deserve better. Hang in there.
Good morning ahmeds,
Google best books on codependency. I don't have a particular book that I could reccomend, but at this point I would encourage you to pick up several.
When I have a topic that is important for me I want to see many points of view and then align the common principles. For you at this point, any information will benefit. Even internet articles will get you started.
Now mind you the term codependency is based on one partner that typically has a substance abuse problem, but the theory has branched out from there.
When I read your posts, you are showing signs of codependency and that is why I highly recommend that you study up on the topic. I would encorage you speak with your IC as well. He/she should be able to assist you and may have some particular material or strategies for you.
You are right to avoid the snooping at this point. You do not sound to be in a position to handle that very well. Do not keep cutting the emotional wounds on yourself so to speak. One of my favorite movie lines that applies in real life so often comes from the movie The Matrix.
"Ignorance is bliss"
There is a reason that MWD advises against " snooping" when doing the LRT.
It is because it causes us more pain than it is worth. Please be strong and resist that urge. It does not matter why he bought whatever he bought.
I am going to give you some homework and be your accountability partner.
I expect that you take action and report back.
Find 1 book and 3 internet articles or videos about codependency today and start studying.
Tomorrow share your thoughts and feedback on what your studied.
Do you accept this challenge?
I will be here to support and push you.
We must get out of the bombing zone. We must heal our wounds.
We owe it to ourselves and our families, and God.
May today present you with some peace, and moments of joy ahmeds. You are a good person in a challenging situation. I will be here to support you
Hey SadHub,
Sorry for the delayed response. It's been a busy couple of days. I did read your post yesterday, and I appreciate you offering to be my accountability partner.
I did look up a few articles and books on codependency, but I think right now what I would like to do is read about how to move forward.
I've found two books that I plan to purchase and start reading this week:
1. When He Leaves, By Kari West
2. Runaway Husbands, By Vikki Stark
I think this is where I need to start. I honestly want to completely let go of him so that I can start truly moving forward with my life. I want to stop worrying about him, and I want to start putting myself first. Honestly I put up with a lot in the past year, and he took advantage of that, and I just believe that I deserve better, and I have faith in God that He will give me better if I continue to depend on Him. My H hurt me in ways I never imagined possible. I've had many ups and downs, and I will continue to do so, but I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve better. He's filed the paperwork, and soon I will get a letter from the court saying it's been finalized. I will always have the hope that his heart will change, and that one day he will realize this was all a huge mistake, but one thing I cannot do is cling on to that hope so tight that it prevents me from taking care of myself. I just hope I can actually do it, I'll continue posting and reading on the forum to gel me get through this extremely difficult time of my life.
ahmeds,
I am pleased to hear that you have found some material that can enlighten you and assist you with knowledge of steps that you can take to break the "curse" that is causing such emotional pain. I will check in on you for updates and thoughts that you gather from your review of the material.
I am praying for you and whole heartedly agree that you deserve better than you have been going through.
May you find peace through your efforts and learning.
I started reading DR a few weeks back. I read these rules at that time, and I just read over them again. Right now, my H has filed the divorce paperwork, and has absolutely no interest in ever recovering the marriage. I've tried implementing the rules, but I feel like a lot of them are easier said than done, and some of them even feel seemingly impossible.
Right now my focus is on ME. I've spent the last year and a half trying to save my marriage, but he continued with the A. I think I made a mistake by moving out, but he made me feel very bad about staying, and we fought in intense manners, this was before I started DB'ing.
I have very major ups and downs, but this up I am on right now is what I am trying to stick with. I just know I will fall back down hard soon, but will try my best to prevent it.
Everything within me tells me this is a HUGE mistake, so I'm trying to follow these rules, but because we don't live together, and don't really speak,
I don't know how to apply most of them, and I don't know if he'd even notice.
When do I just give up?
I've read so much material, and a lot of the things I've read say that the way my H is acting, he will come back when he wakes back up and faces reality, slowly that hope within me is disappearing.
Anyway, if anyone has any advice on how to better implement these rules in my situation, I would appreciate it!
Dont worry about whether he notices or not.
The rules are to help PROTECT you.
You make 180's and changes for YOU not to win your spouse back.
I hope that makes sense.
How are you doing today? What did you do for yourself today?
A drive by hug and to see how you are doing.
I hope you found some peace today and started reading some of the material you mentioned.
(((ahmeds)))
Hey Everyone.
Cadet, it makes complete sense, I guess the ultimate goal out of all of this is to become a better person, whether he's with me or not. Sometimes that is very tough though.
I've been hanging in there, and I still have a lot of ups and downs. Yesterday I picked up some books on recovering from divorce. I think my mindset needs to be on just myself now, and that was the purpose of picking out some books to help me out. I've realized that because of how much I disagree with this divorce, many times when we talk, it just becomes so toxic.
Other times when we do speak, like earlier this week, he acts SO NORMAL and it drives me crazy. He talks to me like he always used to talk to me, and jokes around with me in the same manner as well. At one point, he really wanted to become intimate, and I almost fell into that trap. Those things to me are mixed signals, and they confuse the heck out of me. So when he says something friendly and nice, I cling to it and it gives me hope, and when he says something nasty it tears me apart. I hate that I've given him so much power over me, and after seeing how much emotional control he has over me, to the point where I think it may have been emotional abuse, I know I have to just try my hardest to put myself first now.
ahmeds,
I posted in DDJ's thread. I think the advice might apply to you as well. Let me know. I'm happy to give you some advice, if you want it, or if you just need to talk. I'm not on all the time, but do check every couple days. Sandi really helped me. I owe her a lot. Let me know how I can give back a little.
Hi Trumpet,
I read your most recent post on DDJ's thread, and it was pretty inspirational. Where you are now is where I am working to get to. I've had setbacks, and I know I will continue to have setbacks. The biggest thing I've learned this week, through my mistakes & through my IC, is that I HAVE to start taking care of myself. I guess that really means I need to seriously take the steps to going dark and detaching.
I wholeheartedly believe my H is lost and is making a huge mistake, but I've finally come to the realization that I cannot force him to recognize that mistake. I can only hope that one day he will, and in the meantime, I am just going to go on with my life and do what's best for me. Hopefully I will remain strong during the whole process.
I've had setbacks, and I know I will continue to have setbacks. The biggest thing I've learned this week, through my mistakes & through my IC, is that I HAVE to start taking care of myself.
Keep this where you can see it. It is a very good reminder to keep close by.
but I've finally come to the realization that I cannot force him to recognize that mistake. I can only hope that one day he will, and in the meantime, I am just going to go on with my life and do what's best for me. Hopefully I will remain strong during the whole process.
This realization is what will help you take the appropriate steps to gaining back the power over yourself.
The hope can be the energy that can drive you, so long as it does not become the driving reason behind your efforts.
Doing what is best for you is a perfect approach to this. It is the DB way.
You will stumble in the process, you will lose strength at times. But the key, is to get back up each time you fall. Strength is gained each time you do so.
You are doing well this week. One small step at a time and you will move to a better place.
Thanks SadHub. I am doing better this week, hoping I can make it last!
So yesterday I went to the book store and bought a few books for pleasure. I loved reading before I got married, and I got some great recommendations from a friend, and I decided to buy them so that I could pick up on that old habit. I also bought some nice patio furniture so I could enjoy my books on the patio during the evenings in summer, I'm really looking forward to that.
On another note, what do you guys do when thoughts of the OW/OM come flooding into your head? Typically, I know when it's happening, and I try stopping them, but the methods of stopping them are just distractions and temporary for me, eventually they come back full force, and that's when I have it very tough. The OW was also a good friend of mine, so for me it was like a double betrayal. I also have this lingering fear that they will end up together in the future...but I guess realistically, that would never be a good relationship.. Anyway, any tips that have worked for anyone hear? I'd love to hear some.
Hope everyone continues to hang in there. So thankful for this forum.
On another note, what do you guys do when thoughts of the OW/OM come flooding into your head? Typically, I know when it's happening, and I try stopping them, but the methods of stopping them are just distractions and temporary for me, eventually they come back full force, and that's when I have it very tough. The OW was also a good friend of mine, so for me it was like a double betrayal. I also have this lingering fear that they will end up together in the future...but I guess realistically, that would never be a good relationship.. Anyway, any tips that have worked for anyone hear? I'd love to hear some.
Hope everyone continues to hang in there. So thankful for this forum.
Thinking about the OM/OW is where the pit in my stomach turns and I can literally puke. But....that has lessened over time as my heart is starting to harden in that realm. Over time, it may start to lessen for you.
It's hard no hiding this fact. But then I think about all the drama and incidents my STBX caused day to day and that the OM will be thrown into this vortex sooner than later and it gives me a certain calm. A calm that if she wasn't willing to work on these things with me and fix them...now....her drama filled life will only increase with the OM. It may be a fun whirlwind romance now.....but over time.....good luck. That it was a good friend is nothing that I have expereinced so can't comment except that is not a friend.
Thanks SadHub. I am doing better this week, hoping I can make it last!
So yesterday I went to the book store and bought a few books for pleasure. I loved reading before I got married, and I got some great recommendations from a friend, and I decided to buy them so that I could pick up on that old habit. I also bought some nice patio furniture so I could enjoy my books on the patio during the evenings in summer, I'm really looking forward to that.
Very nice Dbing here.
On another note, what do you guys do when thoughts of the OW/OM come flooding into your head? Typically, I know when it's happening, and I try stopping them, but the methods of stopping them are just distractions and temporary for me, eventually they come back full force, and that's when I have it very tough. The OW was also a good friend of mine, so for me it was like a double betrayal. I also have this lingering fear that they will end up together in the future...but I guess realistically, that would never be a good relationship.. Anyway, any tips that have worked for anyone hear? I'd love to hear some.
In my readings, research and counseling, I have found that distractions or fighting uncomfortable thoughts is not beneficial as the mere attempts to do this tend to keep the thought in our mind and send it into a looping thought process pattern. This loop tends to make the thought more real and intense. Through my reading and practicing mindful meditation, I have learned to stop, acknowledge the thought and then let it pass while replacing the thought with more pleasant patterns of thought.
Check out the Ted Talk by Matthieu Ricard.
Now I am not saying this is easy, but I found with some practice, it does help me.
The science shows we really have more control over our thoughts than we realize. But like any other muscle in our body, it takes exercise, time and a focused effort.
Thank you both for your input.
SadHub, you're absolutely correct. In the beginning, I would just find distractions to fight those thoughts, I quickly learned that was not the way to handle it. It's definitely best to acknowledge the thoughts and move forward from there, I just haven't become very good at that yet. Many times the thoughts bring me down, but I'm sure with time, that will get better.
I'll check out the Ted Talk you recommended. Thanks for suggesting it!
Drive by hug.
(((ahmeds)))
I hope you are having a pleasant day today.
Hey Everyone,
Hope everyone is hanging in there. I haven't been around on the forum for a few days now. I think I was just taking a few days to rediscover myself without reading through experiences others are going through and relating them back to how they're similar to what I am going through.
I've been doing somewhat better, but of course I still struggle. My H and I do not really talk anymore, I text him now and then asking him how he is, and we usually keep it cordial. Lately though, I've been struggling with the blame game. I keep thinking back to how I could've done things differently. The "What if's," the "I should've..," "I could've.." etc..
At times I take a lot of the blame and put it on myself, even though he is the one who had the A. In the beginning, I even blamed his A on myself. So i guess my question is how do we conquer these thoughts? I've never thought very much of myself in general, and this whole situation has brought me down a whole lot more. I am doing things for myself, and taking steps to make sure I don't fall into traps, but sometimes I really do struggle.
As always, advice is appreciated
Hey Everyone,
Hope everyone is hanging in there. I haven't been around on the forum for a few days now. I think I was just taking a few days to rediscover myself without reading through experiences others are going through and relating them back to how they're similar to what I am going through.
Pray tell, what new things have your rediscovered about yourself over the past few days?
I've been doing somewhat better, but of course I still struggle. My H and I do not really talk anymore, I text him now and then asking him how he is, and we usually keep it cordial.
It is good to hear you are doing better.
Struggle will happen for a bit longer, but less intense as you put in the work to heal and grow.
Why do you text him to ask how he is doing?
Is this a 180? Is it pursuing? Is it focusing on you?
Lately though, I've been struggling with the blame game. I keep thinking back to how I could've done things differently. The "What if's," the "I should've..," "I could've.." etc..
At times I take a lot of the blame and put it on myself, even though he is the one who had the A. In the beginning, I even blamed his A on myself. So i guess my question is how do we conquer these thoughts? I've never thought very much of myself in general, and this whole situation has brought me down a whole lot more. I am doing things for myself, and taking steps to make sure I don't fall into traps, but sometimes I really do struggle.
As always, advice is appreciated
My advice is watch the Emotional First Aid Ted Talk again.
Research additional information around this and emotional intelligence.
Research rumination and emotional health
Google, how to stop the committee in my head.
Take notes
Set a plan for yourself and follow it.
Practice
Evaluate
Adjust
Repeat
Make the decision to discontinue ruminating about the past.
I wish that I could suggest a magic pill or a 3 step program, but when it comes to our thoughts, we are the only ones that can control them.
We must simply commit to putting in the work to take control of them.
Meditation is a good practice to take up
And it will take work. Trust me. I know. I am still working on it. But I can tell you I have come a ways from the darkest moments and thoughts of my life. And it has taken a lot of work.
You can do it. Arm yourself with knowledge and then get to working on it daily.
Drive by hug.
(((ahmeds)))
I hope you are doing well and finding progress in your sitch.
Let us know how you are doing and what support we can share with you.
Are you still with us ahmeds?
sending positive vibes and hugs your way where ever you may be ahmeds.
(((((ahmeds)))))
I went into hiding. Soon after all my posts on this forum, I found out he married the other woman. Before our divorce was even finalized. I'm doing better at this point, but it's an odd situation for me. He lives with her in the same apartment where I lived with him. I still tend to blame myself for it all, but I'm getting used to my new life. At least all my suspicions were confirmed, and I'm not crazy for having them. They live ten minutes down the street from me, and I've ran into them once in public. Just adjusting.
Sorry to hear that, but in your case I really think it was for the best. It didn't seem like you could fully trust him. What have you been doing for you? Is everything done in terms of the D? Is he short changing you on anything?
M-68 H-68
Married 42 yrs
2D Mine 46 and 44
M-68 H-68
Married 42 yrs
2D Mine 46 and 44
Start your own thread please
________________________________________________
How to start a thread
I will use what Job wrote
First Click on Newcomers then:
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting. It's the same way that you created this thread.
Plus How to link your threads
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2588047#Post2588047