Previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2674312&page=1Well, I feel like it might be time for me to quit this fight. I got this text from her this morning:
'Where are you at with moving forward with the divorce? It would be great to spend money on the kids and not a lawyer....can we resolve this quickly? '
Any advice on how to handle this? Or is it time to throw in the towel?
Don't throw in the towel. Remember this is about making yourself into the best version of yourself you can be, if that in turn brings your wife back, great but if it doesn't you still come out the other end all the better. You can't control what she does you can only control what you do. This is the most important thing I learned on this forum
CRW,
Only you will know what to say to her. You will want to take into consideration several things as you decide. First and foremost, what is best for you, and your children?
Avoid worrying about how your decision will influence your W. At this point if the D is what she wants you can not stop it, but you can ensure that you and the children are not left hanging out to dry. D proceedings are not fatal to opportunities for reconciliation, so you must set that aside. You need to focus on you, your kids and what is best for them. Think long term and avoid emotional decisions as those tend to only make short term sense.
Do what you believe is best.
I wish I could give you more, but as I slog through a similar situation I am seeing long term decisions matter more now and logic guides that. My emotions pull to do things to please WAA, but that will not benefit me,her,nor my children.
Get good legal advice, follow your beliefs and principles and avoid emotional decisions, IMHO.
Separate the d process from your desire or lack the roc for reconciliation. That will have to happen separately and only if/when she decides that is what she wants.
I am pulling for you and hope to lend any moral support I can as you work your way through this.
I dont understand her question.
She filed, right?
Is the ball in your court or hers?
CRW,
My WW continues to push me to finalize D as quickly as possible. Problem is when you have kids involved, this causes a huge issue. At least for me since my WW is living 4 hours away. Do what is best for you and your children. Protect yourself. Let things run their course with respect to the D.
Yes, she filed. She wants me to agree to settle.
I'm honestly feeling suffocated by her. Everyday she finds a reason to text me or call me. I just wish she'd give me some free air.
Hey,
You need to talk to a lawyer if you have not yet. Get as much done by W lawyer after you both talk about it then you take it to yours and go from there. At that point it should be close to a proper document
Hello CRW,
What is the rush? No need to respond to her text right now, right? Of course she wants you to agree to settle. Settling would make things much easier for her.
What is best for YOU and the children? Get professional feedback before you commit to anything at this point.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
CWR,
Make some free air. Don't answer the calls not texts right away. Return them if when you have had some time and are in a good place to do so. Just my opinion.
Hey,
I agree answer then when you have time. My W sends text during the work day and I answer then at lunch or at the end of the day. Now she has noticed that and is sending them at lunch and at the end of the day.
CRW,
I agree with the others, no rush to respond to anything or make decisions. You do need a good L tho and get some advice--there are plenty that will give you free consultations. Do not let W pressure you into anything. These are big decisions!
So she is trying to rush the D. This is the headspace she is in now--but you already knew that--so this is not new information. So before any decisions are made or legal documents are signed, you need to really assess what is best for everyone--especially the kids--regardless of your feelings for her right now.
Situations change. People change. Everything $ucks right now, but it won't be this way forever. That I know.
-Blu
Thanks everyone, I do have a lawyer, so I'm covered there.
She called me this afternoon just to see how my day went. This is exhausting.
You know what really [censored]? When you are GAL abd then you destroy your knee....
So I felt that I needed to be a little more open with her, I sent her this text last night:
'i want to tell you something. thank you. these past 5 or 6 months have been very hard. however, had they not happened, i would not have confronted my demons and I wouldn't be the man and father I am now. it took a lot of courage for you to not accept a lesser version of the man you married. I'll be forever grateful to you for it.'
She responded with this:
'Thank you for saying that. Everything happens for a reason whether we understand why at the time or not. There is a purpose in Everything. '
Seems like being genuine and from the heart is what she appreciates most, but in the correct dosages.
My heart breaks for you CRW.
How can people just grow so far apart from the one they love and then act like a friend. It baffles me that the WAS can't get out of their fog and keep the family together.
I commend you for all your efforts!
'i want to tell you something. thank you. these past 5 or 6 months have been very hard. however, had they not happened, i would not have confronted my demons and I wouldn't be the man and father I am now. it took a lot of courage for you to not accept a lesser version of the man you married. I'll be forever grateful to you for it.'
I kinda get where you are coming from...that you would not have improved yourself if not for her actions...but it almost sounds like you thanked her for her being unfaithful to you.
did I read that wrong?
Seems like being genuine and from the heart is what she appreciates most, but in the correct dosages.
A couple of questions for you to ponder:
- Why did you send this message? What were you trying to achieve?
- Did sending this bring you closer to your goals?
Seems like being genuine and from the heart is what she appreciates most, but in the correct dosages.
A couple of questions for you to ponder:
- Why did you send this message? What were you trying to achieve?
Probably because I had a few beers and was feeling emotional to be honest.
- Did sending this bring you closer to your goals?
I was nervous when I woke up this morning to see her response, which she must have sent first thing when she woke up. Overall I think it was a positive.
I guess I was hoping to inject some things to think about into her mind. I feel like I did.
Now the key is, back off and let her simmer.
'i want to tell you something. thank you. these past 5 or 6 months have been very hard. however, had they not happened, i would not have confronted my demons and I wouldn't be the man and father I am now. it took a lot of courage for you to not accept a lesser version of the man you married. I'll be forever grateful to you for it.'
I kinda get where you are coming from...that you would not have improved yourself if not for her actions...but it almost sounds like you thanked her for her being unfaithful to you.
did I read that wrong?
It could be taken that way.
I'll be honest, I was in a huge negativity fog of my own, and it was part of what drove her to where she is now. The shock of losing her might have been the only thing that was capable of snapping me out of it. Does it excuse what she has done since? No, absolutely not. But, I am in as good of a place, other than missing her, as I have been in years, and her filing is what finally pushed me to take that step.
Stop sending those type of texts, your pursuing. You now gave her an excuse for her infidelity
I never thought that I was giving her an excuse.
[quote=CRW]Seems like being genuine and from the heart is what she appreciates most, but in the correct dosages.
A couple of questions for you to ponder:
- Why did you send this message? What were you trying to achieve?
Probably because I had a few beers and was feeling emotional to be honest.
Not terribly surprising. Here's what I'd recommend. Any time you think sending something like this is a good idea, sit on it for a night. If theres unsolicited contact, then theres no rush. Just wait a day and see how you still feel. Or run it by the folks here.- Did sending this bring you closer to your goals?
I was nervous when I woke up this morning to see her response, which she must have sent first thing when she woke up. Overall I think it was a positive.
Is it? I wouldnt necessarily say it's a negative. But what about it seems positive to you?I guess I was hoping to inject some things to think about into her mind. I feel like I did.
Maybe. Maybe not.
In my opinion, this reads like you wanting her to give you a gold star for making some changes to yourself. Like "Hey, W, look how great I am now. What do you think?" I think she deflected that in a way that doesnt hurt you, but I dont think it drew her any closer to you.
Just got done talking with my coach, feeling better about things now. He put it in perspective like this, each situation is different, but in general, when you have a few positive interactions, its not abnormal for a WAW to test you to see your reactions, whether they are doing it consciously or not.
In my opinion, this reads like you wanting her to give you a gold star for making some changes to yourself. Like "Hey, W, look how great I am now. What do you think?" I think she deflected that in a way that doesnt hurt you, but I dont think it drew her any closer to you. [/color]
I don't think drawing her closer to me was really my goal. My goal was simply this. I'd been thinking about telling her that for a while now after I came to the realization. Last night just felt right. My perception was that her response was positive.
It is a genuine change in me. In the past I would have blown the whole thing up into a gigantic fight, which is surely what she expected. Instead I challenged her core beliefs about me. I'm going to celebrate that.
At the same time I am going to do what you said about making sure I am taking my time on things and being comfortable with them before I move forward.
CRW, while I agree with the others that it's no good for you to send impulsive texts, I also don't want you to overanalyze everything or be too hard on yourself. There is no reason to reach out to her, let her know what you are feeling, or show her your changes. She is giving up on you so she doesn't get that anymore!
I think you should just let it go and move forward now. I think it would be best for you to start focusing on you and your future without her. I know it hurts and it's not what you want to hear, but she is giving you no other option right now.
Start detaching, take a big step back, do your 180s & GAL, and become the man that only a fool would leave!!! She may not notice today, next week, or next month. Too bad for her! Her loss!!!
Maybe down the road she will notice? I have nice idea, but I'm willing to bet that someone will. And that, that is the kind of woman you want and deserve!
-Blu
CRW,
Blu is spot on, and I want to echo her advice. The focus you have must be on you and you alone. The goal here is to make you the better man, better potential partner and better father. That is all that you can control. If you achieve all of that then you are the person only a fool will leave. She will have to decide whether fool or not. I see on these forums to many LBS's making changes with the hope of influencing the WAS. I know that our instincts move us in that direction, but it is not realistic, and ultimately it is foolish. We can not control the decisions and actions of anyone but ourselves.
Please don't take this as harsh, but it is imperative that you act on Blu's advice and take hope in her words that down the road.....
I am sending you my support and prayers that you may have hope and strength to focus on you and becoming the person only a fool would leave.
Hey everyone, just got back from Chicago. What a crazy night!
No real updates on the marriage. I did slip up this afternoon and ask her where her and the kids were going tonight, but course corrected pretty quickly.
I'm just trying to do me and worry about the rest later.
One of the things my coach and I discussed was her 'testing' me to see if I would revert to previous behaviors.
She now seems to have realized she can't rock my boat with what she is doing, so she is now trying the 'ignore' technique.
I sent her a text last night about getting the kids for supper this week, and then this morning about if I am supposed to make a dentist appointment for S15. No response to either.
Doesn't bother me though, she can test all she wants. I am going to keep being a great dad and keep working on myself!
CRW,
I've had a lot of tests and the problem that I've had is inconsistency. I'm not generally an angry person, but if I'm not at my best emotionally, then I usually don't do as well when the test comes along. I've got to work on that.
Do you like the coaching and do feel like it's been beneficial?
I think the coaching has been very helpful, especially sorting out some of the information and opinions from the message boards.
For example, in my previous thread, I mentioned a text where in response to me saying I had confused feelings about our direction going forward she responded with something along the lines of there was no hope of reconnecting love between us. Most people here took that as a death blow to our marriage. However, my coach pointed out that I never mentioned love to her, she brought that up on her own, meaning the thought is still in her head.
In general they are great at giving perspective and reminding that there is not a one size fits all solution to everyone's problem.
ie, if your spouse left because they felt emotionally neglected, going dark on them might not be the best response....
Well, silent treatment continues. Gotta love it.
CRW,
Thanks for your response about the coaching. I had some coaching and I liked it, but the advice on this forum seems to be quite a bit different compared to the coaching.
Thanks for mentioning the "no hope for connection" thing. It really helps to know that there's hope even when things seem hopeless.
I'm sorry you're getting the silent treatment. I hope things get better.
Did you read the book? Its quite a bit different than the advice here too.
Not that the advice here is bad, but total detachmnent and going dark and all that is not always the best path.
My coach directly told me, sometimes begging and pleading actually works! Those people aren't here though.
The themes I think are common are, stop chasing, stop controlling, and make yourself better.
CRW,
Yes, I read the book, but I need to reread it. I agree with you on the common themes.
How are you doing with regards to your wife? Do you feel like you've made progress?
So S15 is texting me wanting me to make him a dentist appointment. Technically W should be doing that. I asked her about it yesterday via text, no reply. Do I ask her again today? S15 just texted me about 15 minutes ago about it.
CRW,
When in doubt, your coach knows your specific situation best, so go with that!
I also noticed differences between the book and advice here when we were separated. I think that is because the book covers everything, and these boards are quite specific; most of the posters are left behind spouses with a wayward in an A.
It seems like the hardest spot to be in and there is one chapter on that. If I recall, you can't work on a M while your spouse is in an A. They have to be willing to end the A, commit to the M, and offer transparency.
So the focus of these boards is on detachment, boundaries, and self improvement, which increases the likelihood they will come back around.
That has been my take on it.
-Blu
Just talked to the W regarding above situation. She basically said that she was very frustrated with S15. We worked something out for the dentist.
Interestingly enough, she said that she was going to go where I was going just to keep us all going to the same place.
The only downside was she said I didn't communicate enough. Funny huh?
The only downside was she said I didn't communicate enough. Funny huh?
Of course, if she'd said that you communicated perfectly and any lack of action was all her fault, then you probably would've died of a heart attack. Once again a WS saves the life of an LBS.
You should be thankful!
Something is changing in her, not sure what, but something is changing, I can hear it in her voice.
She asked me to take S15 to the dentist for her. Progress.
For example, in my previous thread, I mentioned a text where in response to me saying I had confused feelings about our direction going forward she responded with something along the lines of there was no hope of reconnecting love between us. Most people here took that as a death blow to our marriage. However, my coach pointed out that I never mentioned love to her, she brought that up on her own, meaning the thought is still in her head.
Well, upon reading this post, and another one that bothered me a little bit, I re-read your first thread and down to the current page. I did not see that message above indicated. I did, however, see YOU as the one ready to throw in the towell and seem to think the M had had it. It was the people on this thread that kept your nose above water, and frankly, I have not seen anything posted on your threads that directly went against the book.
As for the board giving different advice than your coach..............IDK. Perhaps you gave them a different version, told them something you haven't mentioned on the board. Again, IDK. All we have is what you say here. I find it pretty strange that a coach would tell you that sometimes begging and pleading works (unless, of course, it was a case of abuse or some other exception). I have experienced, and I am not saying you did this.......but I have seen people in your shoes misunderstand.....even hear things incorrectly. I don't know how many times I have read someone's post who got confused about something in the DR book and say it didn't match with what we were saying. I would look back at the book, and find they were missing key points.
If your W is willing to save the MR, then fine, write letters, pour your heart out, build a great friendship, date, and pursue to your heart's content. But
if she has a wayward heart, has another man in her head, and she is
not willing to work on saving the M...........you had better look in the DR book at what Michele says for the those who have a spouse that refuses to end an A.
Sandi,
I didn't mean to offend. And yeah, my coach has a clearer picture of the situation than I have portrayed here.
My main point was that not one size fits all.
And you are right, I have greatly valued the input from those on the boards here. I was asked about coaching and responded with an example. I should not have said 'most here'. My point was that my coach pointed something out that really helped me.
She is definitely not ready to work on the marriage. No way. I put the chances at 5% for success, but I will take that 5%.
And if I offended anyone else here, please accept my apologies.
Again, I feel terrible about this.
You guys have kept me going in a big way through this. I did not mean to make it sound like I didn't value your opinions, I truly do.
I hope that I can still get feedback and guidance from those here.
You'll still get feedback. All is well.
CRW,
We are all good people on this forum. I also would love to have my M back but not at the expense of me being a doormat again. If there is no mutual respect for me, the M and the concern to keep the family together by the WW then goodbye to her. I received some bad new with respect to my D today. Somehow I am already over it. Excited about finding a new place for me and my boys. Now I just need to focus on fighting for them and their best interest.
I will continue to support! I hope you have a great night!
Thanks guys, that means a lot.
Well, yesterday was interesting. I've been letting her initiate all contact, which she did via communication about insurance. We discussed that. Then later she texted suggesting a babysitter for me to use if I needed one, which was weird because she knows I use my parents for that.
Then last night was really weird. I had the kids. Usually I have to run S15 to her place to get him some clothes after school. Typically he just takes the bus to her place and I pick him up there. However, WW told him to just go to my place, and that she would bring his stuff over later. She did, around 9:30. She basically welcomed herself right in. She wanted to give the littles kisses. We made some small talk, and she was overly affectionate to my dog, which she normally isn't. Overall it was really weird, because she has never done this before. I am sure there was a purpose to her coming over, but I'm not sure what it was.
She wanted to come there, see what's going on, temp check you and toss some affection around cause she's feeling the loss of both you and the family which is cake eating. You let it, but if you were really detached and we're moving on you would not have, in fact at that hour, you would have just said, drop the stuff outside or I'll come to your car and get it. My WW would do a lot of that early on, but even though I may have been cold and/or meanish, I stopped all that.
Ralph, did that yield positive results?
I will say this, when she was getting ready to leave, I felt her kind of look at me to gauge if i wanted her to stay, I told her to have a good night and I would talk to her later.
I've been playing it cool with her so far today, responding to question about the kids, but keeping it professional and brief.
So is the general consensus that I shouldn't let her come in my house?
I've had no positive results with anything, but it was pure cake eating, over and over coupled with manipulation. She wants to be friends, you know hang out with the kids together once in a while so a family dinner.. Down the road maybe, but not with OM in picture. Sorry, not my thing.. We had that, it was called a M and a family... She shredded it
Ralph
I get a feeling you are pretty angry right now. I know what you are saying though about the cake eating. Kind of why I am where I am with my situation.
I know we get some really one way advise here. But I take each situation as its own. If I had knowledge about OM in my case there would be no talks at all.
So, the past 24 hours have been eventful.
Yesterday morning I found out I have a torn MCL. Makes GAL much more difficult!
Then took S15 to the dentist in the afternoon. Found out he has 16 cavities! Immediately he blamed it on WAW for not getting him to the dentist in time. I told him that was crap and he needed to brush his damn teeth. Well, that lead into a huge conversation about how he can’t stand his mom and she does this and she does that and never has time for him. S15 has had some issues with telling the truth, so I suspected some of what he said was valid, and some wasn’t.
So I called WAW and basically told her what S15 told me, in a very calm non- accusatory manner. It went fairly well, but didn’t seem like she was willing to be very accountable for her part. Anyway, after the conversation was over, she thanked me for sharing that with her.
Later on she sent me this text:
‘Jaden has told me many things tonight and the bottom line is he feels he can do more stuff when with anyone else. He feels you let him go to more things with his friends and don't ask questions. He said he doesn't have as many chores and you don't harp on him to do anything. This is my house and i have rules. He is a 15 year old teenager who has proven he can't always be trusted. He told me i am the reason he gets in trouble at school, I'm the reason he has an attitude and gets frustrated easily. He is taking no responsibility for his actions.
I want the best for him. His grades are terrible. I don't know what to do.’
That end line was the first time in many months she has let herself be vulnerable to me in a long time.
So late last night I responded with, ‘What do you think we should do?’
This morning she asked me if I would have time to talk today. I am a little nervous about the conversation. I have no idea what her motives are. Call is coming up here in 10 minutes.
Any thoughts?
Couldn't have been less eventful. Just telling me how S15 was not listening again and stuff. Not sure why we needed some scheduled phone call for that, when a text would have done.
The wheels came off this weekend.
At what point do you say enough is enough?
Don't mistaken my calling rather then texting for me "loving" you. For that matter define love, i don't think love is me wanting to vomit when i have to be around you or talk to you......and as for me coming to the condo wed night, i did that because i don't want you any where near my house. I call not because i want to talk to you, it is easier when I'm driving and have something important to say about the kids, but point taken no more phone calls because it sends the wrong message. You thoughts of love are delusional as [censored], please seek help because I'm so over you, i don't know how to make it any clearer. This will be the last time i say this, i do NOT love you in any way, not one piece of my body wants anything to do with you. Don't EVER message me again unless it has something to do with the kids, or i will file harassment charges against you. Consider yourself warned.
So clearly I am an idiot and should have been listening more closely to those here. Any feedback would be appreciated.
CRW,
I assume that was her message to you; is that correct?
CRW,
My advice, for what it's worth, is to do exactly what she asked. Take a break and let things cool-down. Get out and GAL. Get out and GAL. Get out and GAL. (D@mn echo.)
I just want to say to those here who still have a chance, please listen to what these guys are saying, it can save your marriage. I got here too late. Don't waste your chance.
here is the rest of the conversation:
C - Jesus T, who are you? You sneak around with another guy, you spend 8k on your chest, you send texts like that, and your first born son can't stand being in the the same house as you. This is as happy as you have ever been? Good for you. Seems like you have quite the whole life, full of depth.
T - You know C, there are only two things I want from you....one you can and will eventually give me and one you can't. The first being a divorce the second being the last nine years of my life back.....
Ps: im glad you found your negativity and meanness, the whole positive outlook wasn't your style. Once again confirming my thoughts on never wanting to travel back down that road with you.
C - For some reason you feel you need to tear me down. I get that, and I'm fine with it, but don't confuse my not going negative anymore with weakness.
I've treated you with nothing but kindness the past two months, and will continue to do so in the future. I still feel love towards the mother of my children, I am not ashamed to admit that. I, however, am not nor was I the cause of your unhappiness, and if you think getting this divorce is the permanent cure to your problems, I'm sorry to tell you, it won't last. You can continue with your hurtful and mean comments, it won't break me. I wouldn't trade the last 9 years for anything. I got my kids, and married the girl I loved. I wasn't perfect, but I was good a whole lot more than I was bad.
I could really use some advice here if anyone has any?
Advice on what? Your wife asked you to stop contacting her unless it's about the kids. Yet, you then replied... adding fuel to the fire. I agree with doodler. Let her be and focus on yourself.
What happened prior to her text telling you to leave her alone?
CRW,
I don't have any really insightful input to give you. I'm not one of the pros here. I'm just a guy who is empathetic to what you're going through and wishing you the best.
But, I would agree with doodler, maybe break away for a little while. The temperature is high right now, let that cool down. It's like that expression, don't keep on poking the bear, because eventually the bear will poke back.
I could really use some advice here if anyone has any?
Leave her be.
Focus on you.
GAL.
C - Jesus T, who are you? You sneak around with another guy, you spend 8k on your chest, you send texts like that, and your first born son can't stand being in the the same house as you. This is as happy as you have ever been? Good for you. Seems like you have quite the whole life, full of depth.
My advice is to reflect back on your actions and determine how to take the lessons learned and apply them going forward.
What was your goal in sending this text? And do you think sending it brought you closer or farther from your overall goals?
Advice on what? Your wife asked you to stop contacting her unless it's about the kids. Yet, you then replied... adding fuel to the fire. I agree with doodler. Let her be and focus on yourself.
What happened prior to her text telling you to leave her alone?
Well, she wanted to exchange the kids in a parking lot, which I was not ok with. We agreed to meet at an ice cream shop, get the kids ice cream together, and then she could take them. However, when we got there she said she had changed her mind and was just going to take the kids. That basically set everything off.
C - Jesus T, who are you? You sneak around with another guy, you spend 8k on your chest, you send texts like that, and your first born son can't stand being in the the same house as you. This is as happy as you have ever been? Good for you. Seems like you have quite the whole life, full of depth.
My advice is to reflect back on your actions and determine how to take the lessons learned and apply them going forward.
What was your goal in sending this text? And do you think sending it brought you closer or farther from your overall goals?
Farther, I sent it in anger and frustration. I'm mad at myself for that one.
Another text from her:
'I wish you would understand that the sooner we are divorced, the sooner we can develop a relationship co-parenting. We can't do that until then and it makes things very, very tough. '
CRW,
I think at this point I would agree with the others. Let her be, HARD HARD HARD to do, but i think that would be best for your well being as well.
ok that you were upset about not having ice cream together, but stop and breathe, think before we react. I know its hard to do in the "heat of the moment" but we cause ourselves so much turmoil over things that could have gone so much better if we would have stopped and took a DEEP breathe 1st.
you can do this, remember you have the support here.
thanks guys.
this would be much easier without the kids. for example, S1.5 had tubes put in his ears today. Hard not to communicate with her about that.
Hey you should call W and ask about how getting tubes in S ears went.
Keep it about your kids and it should be fine.
Yes, you have to communicate about that. I personally would have been present even though it is not a major surgery, they still put them out for that.
She was texting me keeping me up to date. All went well, he's up and running around already!
Yeah, I didn't realize they put him under, or I would have been there.
And now she jokes around with me
Me - Awe, little bubba! thanks for the video!
W - Sure. He is eating an actual meal now. He kept the crackers down so i assumed it was safe to proceed. He is literally defying all odds of what they told me to expect. He def got my resilient character...
ME - Pretty sure he got that from his dad......
W - I'm not the one walking with a knee brace....just sayn
Me - most people would be on crutches. Luckily I have so much muscle....
I know, I should have ignored it....
I know, I should have ignored it....
CRW,
In my opinion, you did a great job. You used some humor and you didn't run away and hide under the guise of "going dark." Others may not agree, but I think it was the right measure and a good recovery from the previous debacle. Good for you!
Well, she wanted to exchange the kids in a parking lot, which I was not ok with.
Why not? Why was "getting ice cream" a better choice?
Your kids are very young. Do you expect to be meeting for some kind of social event every time they change hands?
Farther, I sent it in anger and frustration. I'm mad at myself for that one.
So how will you prevent from doing that again?
this would be much easier without the kids. for example, S1.5 had tubes put in his ears today. Hard not to communicate with her about that.
This is going to be a VERY long road if you arent able to separate your children's wellbeing from your relationship. Theres some things that you dont need to communicate about - what S ate during the day, whether W forgot a pair of pants, whether S slept well, etc. Those kinds of "check-ins" are pursuing. But when your kid is having surgery, then you need to be able to talk civilly.
How can you be the model of how to communicate in these instances?
And now she jokes around with me
Me - Awe, little bubba! thanks for the video!
W - Sure. He is eating an actual meal now. He kept the crackers down so i assumed it was safe to proceed. He is literally defying all odds of what they told me to expect. He def got my resilient character...
ME - Pretty sure he got that from his dad......
W - I'm not the one walking with a knee brace....just sayn
Me - most people would be on crutches. Luckily I have so much muscle....
I know, I should have ignored it....
I dont think you did any "damage" with the exchange. But if you know you should have ignored it, then why didnt you?
I might have encouraged her "good behavior" instead of joking around. "Glad to hear it. Thanks for being there for him today." and left it at that.
Why not? Why was "getting ice cream" a better choice?
Your kids are very young. Do you expect to be meeting for some kind of social event every time they change hands?
NO, I just don't want the kids to feel like they are luggage being passed back and forth.
This is going to be a VERY long road if you arent able to separate your children's wellbeing from your relationship. Theres some things that you dont need to communicate about - what S ate during the day, whether W forgot a pair of pants, whether S slept well, etc. Those kinds of "check-ins" are pursuing. But when your kid is having surgery, then you need to be able to talk civilly.
How can you be the model of how to communicate in these instances?
SO, how do I handle it when she is asking my all of those mundane details about the kids? Ignore it?
I dont think you did any "damage" with the exchange. But if you know you should have ignored it, then why didnt you?
I might have encouraged her "good behavior" instead of joking around. "Glad to hear it. Thanks for being there for him today." and left it at that.
That is great advice, thanks.
NO, I just don't want the kids to feel like they are luggage being passed back and forth.
How do you know they feel like that?
NO, I just don't want the kids to feel like they are luggage being passed back and forth.
How do you know they feel like that?
Do you treat them like luggage?
If not, then what difference does the location make?
Point taken, I will back off that.
Glad to hear you're going to stop insisting on a family activity for each child exchange. It's not necessary and these exchanges will become a normal thing for your kids however you decide to do them.
"SO, how do I handle it when she is asking my all of those mundane details about the kids? Ignore it?"
Yes. There's no need to communicate every detail about what goes on when she's not around.
I get the kids tomorrow night, I am going to tell her if there is an issue I will let her know, otherwise to please give me some space with the kids.
So I set this boundary with her last night. She flipped her lid.
Of course she did. She wants to control everything. My STBX does the same, criticizes me for every little detail to make me feel like I am not parenting well or correctly.
Well she does not get that privilege anymore since she is choosing to leave the M.
This morning she then asked me if I was still taking my Lexipro (which i take 10 mg of a day, and I weight 200lbs, not fat).
Like the fact that I set a boundary with her must mean I am going nuts or something.
Can you maybe give a little bit more information...?
What boundary did you set? How did you do it?
Sent her this text:
If there is an issue tonight that requires your attention I will let you know. Otherwise I will provide you with an update on the kids via text tomorrow after I drop them off. Enjoy your night.
She immediately blew me up with calls and texts that were basically threats.
For future reference, there's no need to send a text like that telling her what you're going to do. Just do what you're going to do. If she texts you, "what did kids eat for dinner?" Just ignore it and go on with your day. You can give her whatever update you'd like the next day. Of course if there is a reasonable concern, address it right away. But daily details are not necessary to share.
I never realized to what extent I have been letting her cake eat. It is much harder than I thought to cut that off.
That text just set her off like no other though, and I didn't think it was that mean.
I appreciate the advice, I will follow it.
I'm going to follow the advice here, because I clearly have no idea what I am doing!
MRI tomorrow morning on my knee, hopefully I can get back to the GAL soon.
So she is constantly hounding me now about signing divorce papers. DO I give her what she wants?
What good comes from not signing?