Ok, where to start...a little background. I've been with my W for 9 years, 3 of them married. She had a son at a very young age, father is completely out of the picture. I've basically become father to him (he's 18 now, 10 when we met).
Things were going great for a few years, I moved into her condo and slowly stepped up my game as a parent, with her approval. (Didn't want to overstep my boundary so early)
She then decides to go back to school to become a nurse, which I encouraged her to do. I was in school when we met, and that kinda motivated her. She found a work-from-home job to do while she was going to school. This is where I first noticed things.
She was extremely involved with school, and put the marriage on the backburner. I understood, she wanted this. I wanted it for her. But we didn't communicate very well how to balance everything and just kept on as-is. I had some selfish resentment about it, for sure.
So, fast forward, I get a house, she has finished school. She had gotten a nursing job, but kept her other job, which took up a lot of her free time. Now she went back to school. So she's working 2 jobs and in school full time. During this time, I had developed a problem with prescription pain killers. Not directly a result of us, more of a recreational habit that I lost control of. I didn't tell her about it. Felt terrible and also alone. We kept on like this until she brought up her dissatifaction with us.
That's when I came clean and let her know what was going on with me. She had no clue. But damage was done and she wanted a separation. Finacially, it made sense for me to move out. Most of her family is in Europe and mine are in town, so I move into my dads.
During this time, I went thru a lot of soul searching. Did some therapy, I kicked my drug habit, have been working out. She then says she wants a divorce after a couple months, she just feels we have grown apart and there's no coming back for us. Of course I'm crushed, but I deal with it on my own.
Around Xmas time, she decides that divorce is premature, and wants me to move back in. I do and we start trying to re-connect. It seems to be going fine for a month or so, but then she tells me its not working and that she's been trying really hard, but nothing is changing for her. She loves me but is not in love, all that.
So now, she has purchased a condo is moving out. She doesn't bring up divorce, so I'm not entirely sure she's 100%. I've read The Divorce Remedy, and would appreciate any insight or words of encouragement.
As for me, I've taken my life back, I'm focused on me right now. Exercising, going out, always wanted to ride, so I bought a motorcycle. Jus doin' me. Over the last few months, I have noticed a change in myself, and I'm ready to tackle our marriage issues, but right now, she is not.
There's a lot more to it, as I'm sure everyone knows, so if something doesn't make sense, I may have left something out.
Thanks, and great to be here! I'm reading a lot. A lot.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thanks. That's what I'm working on now. I'm trying to detach, but don't want to seem cold. I'm trying to find a happy medium, as we are still living together until her condo is ready.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
yep. I have the book. About 1/2 way thru it. Reading a little bit every night when she goes to bed. It definitely calms the nerves and its great (not so great?) to see others here that understand.
I've basically stopped trying to even attempt to work on our marriage, because in her eyes, its over and she's trying to move on. I'm 100% focused on me.
I've basically stopped trying to even attempt to work on our marriage, because in her eyes, its over and she's trying to move on. I'm 100% focused on me.
Working on your marriage sometimes means focusing on YOU.
You FIX your 50% of the marriage and become a person only a fool would leave!
Make your goals work towards this objective.
That's exactly my stance. I'm on me, I told her she can take whatever she wants, its just stuff. I'm putting up zero fight with the split. It feels weird, but sounds like the thing to do.
I'm finding it difficult to narrow down my goals. I know I want my marriage to work, and I know I'm working on making myself happy. But I'm having trouble with listing concrete goals , any advice?
I'm finding it difficult to narrow down my goals. I know I want my marriage to work, and I know I'm working on making myself happy. But I'm having trouble with listing concrete goals , any advice?
What things do you want to change about yourself?
I know when I started this process I had no clue either,
however turned out their was a lot to learn.
well, I've already changed a lot. Obviously, I got out of the cycle of taking pills, which has increased my energy allowing me to workout consistently. Always wanted to learn to ride a motorcycle, so I'm starting to do that. (Safety class is in a couple weeks)
I've also been keeping up the house, which was something she took issue with before, as I relied on her to do most of that. Now, I'm doing basically everything. Oddly, she has stopped doing anything around the house, unless its her laundry. Normally, she is a clean freak, now is very sloppy (for her), leaving stuff everywhere. I pick up everything without a thought.
another thing, I want to be more open as a person, specifically with her. A bit hard to work on that right now
OK so I found out that I was a conflict avoiding, codependent, enabler.
Working on these bad habits will only take me the rest of my life.
And if I was to guess most people that post here follow in my footsteps.
So that might give you some things to work on.
I'd say I'm definitely conflict avoiding and codependant.
But I'm seeing conflicting advice here, I'd like to tell her clean up after herself, but other reading tells me to not fight anything and let things be as they are.
I'd say I'm definitely conflict avoiding and codependant.
But I'm seeing conflicting advice here, I'd like to tell her clean up after herself, but other reading tells me to not fight anything and let things be as they are.
Telling her is a waste of time.
Lead by example say nothing.
There is no conflicting advice here about that.
Telling her is a waste of time.
Lead by example say nothing.
There is no conflicting advice here about that.
I understand.
Eventually, I'd like to be able to voice my opinion when we disagree or I see something I don't like. But now, I will exercise a tight lip and patience.
Also, I should say we tried counseling as well. Only went 3 times together. i did a few by myself before she committed to going.
But I believe our therapist wasn't the greatest. She basically gave us these exercises that seemed a bit copy/paste to all of her sessions. When my wife didn't want to do them, all the therapist said was, "well, you need two people to make the marriage work, and if one doesn't want to, what else can you do but divorce?"
Obviously, my wife loved her because all the emphasis was on splitting up, not trying to repair. Needless to say, therapy has left a sour taste in my mouth
We by no means hate eachother, and have agreed to not get lawyers involved when/if the time comes. I'll be keeping the house and whats mine, and she can have anything else.
She said she doesn't want any piece of the house or any money from me, even though she has put more money into the house than I have.
Also has said she sees me more of a brother than a lover/H. I told her I do not wish to be your brother. I feel like I'm being friend-zoned in my own marriage. ugh
Do you believe the lack of spending time together led to her not feeling in love with you, or were there other signs before she started the nursing program and holding down the jobs?
Do you agree that she tried really hard to make the M work after you went back?
Do you see your W as being the same as when you M her, or does she seem to have changed into someone you do not recognize?
Do you believe the lack of spending time together led to her not feeling in love with you, or were there other signs before she started the nursing program and holding down the jobs?
It definitely had an effect, but she said she had been going thru things in her head that she never vocalized. She has admitted that burying herself in work/school was/is a way of coping. Now if you ask me if I think that is healthy for her, that's another story.
Do you agree that she tried really hard to make the M work after you went back?
No, things quickly just went back to the way they were, except I wasn't abusing pills. I wasn't ready to move back, but didn't know it. I was excited to start reconnecting. She said there was no more benefit to being separated.
Do you see your W as being the same as when you M her, or does she seem to have changed into someone you do not recognize?
She seems the relatively same person. Just VERY career focused. She's now making the kind of money she never had, having raised a child since she was 17, not really having any money. She isn't very emotional and internalizes a lot, so its really hard breaking thru that wall, but that's something she needs to deal with or else she will be alone her whole life.
also, she said she's been feeling our R drift for as long as three years ago. About the time we moved into my dads and left her condo. She didn't say anything to me until about 10 months ago. Like I said, she internalizes.
I should also add that S has moved away for college. He has always been dependant on her and now, aside from financially, he's on his own and doing fine.Shortly after he moved out, is when she first vocalized her true feelings about us. That is a big change in her life and I can't help but feel it wasn't coincidental.
Hello DigIt,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Sadly, not all marriage therapists are created equal. We feel very strongly that you can effect change single handedly by doing something different, in a positive way!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Thanks for the offer. I may very well take you up on it.
ok, so over the last couple weeks, she has started packing things up she wants. Most all of our decorations are down and packed. I'm ok with this, as I said to take whatever she wants. No fight from me.
Now, this week, she has started sleeping in the guest bedroom. She has taken the comforter from "my" bed and packed it away. We don't have another one. What kinda irks me is that she isn't moving out for another 2 months, surely that could have waited. She doesn't close on her condo for a couple weeks, and there's at least a month of renovation before she moves in. Is she trying to get a rise out of me?
Hey,
Yes she was trying to get a reaction from you. she was going to have to take the comforter eventually. Let her have it and buy a new one. No reaction from you. Keep cool. Vent on here, not to W about it.
Thanks. Needed to hear that. I've made all the mistakes early on, but now I'm doing pretty good. Basically, anything she is doing, I'm imagining isn't there/didn't happen. I guess that's the "act as-if" mentality. Its definitely hard to do and not natural, but I'm moving myself in the right direction.
I'll be sure to just come to here instead of saying anything to her.
She did approach me about our M, saying "if you ever need to talk about it/us, let me know". I only said thanks and you do the same. I think I'm right in leaving any talk about us up to her to initiate.
Digit,
you sound like you're doing great (well...as great as to be expected). My W has already signed her lease and is moving out later on this month. Being in and sharing the house with someone you love, who now doesn't want to be with you, is so hard. I made the mistake and gave up the bed a long time ago. Honestly, I didn't want to be in the bed without her anyways. She was gone a couple weekends and I tried sleeping in the bed and it just didn't feel right. I don't mind sleeping on the couch anyways.
I almost feel like I'm at the point now though, where if she's going to move out (and she is) just go ahead and go so I don't have to be so inundated with her presence. I feel like trying to get/win her back will be easier once she's gone - as opposed to trying to convince someone to stay who has already signed a lease.
Just continue to be strong.
Thanks for the kind words. Sounds like you are in a similar situation, and yea, it [censored]. [censored] even more because she is getting a mortgage and plans to sink a TON of money into the place, seem a bit permanent.
And the bed/sleeping thing, I'm just acting "as if", so...she left the bed, more room for me! She took the fan from the room, got a new one! The comforter thing did irk me only because we had decided she takes the living room furniture, I keep the bed (same value). I had assumed it meant everything that goes with it. But I'm over it, she can have it. In the end, its all just stuff.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious/excited about living on my own. I have no idea how I'll feel once she's gone, but that's an issue for another day.
We also have 2 dogs. I believe the place she's moving to has a 1 dog limit. She was pretty adamant about keeping them together early on, but that was before she knew this. I wonder if she'll own her word.
Should I protest if she wants to split them up? We both love them like children lol. Also, they are the absolute best of friends
any thoughts? I don't want to fight her on ANYTHING, but I do love my pups. And they love eachother!
So I'm working on detaching, and I have a question...I'm having a hard time acting "as if" while still trying to detach. I need help with how to balance detaching while still being pleasant to be around. I feel like I'm coming off as a jerk
It's a tough balancing act. The hardest part is being consistent. Consistency is the most important part. My emotions would always interfere with that. Buckle up.
It's a tough balancing act. The hardest part is being consistent. Consistency is the most important part. My emotions would always interfere with that. Buckle up.
I've definitely gotten better with handling my emotions. Just today, I came home and a whole bunch more stuff is packed up. She's not leaving me with much. Wanted to say something, anything, but didn't. I left and went to the store.
I just want to project the person I actually am. Definitely hard to detach.
And I've been consistent in my new ways for a couple months now. I know she's noticed, but don't think she's sold yet. I guess it doesn't really matter, because I know it's real. I went through a drug withdrawl AND a separation at the exact same time. That definitely changes a person and helps put things in perspective.
This is one thing I did stand strong on at least. I only let my wife take her clothes and personal belongings. She has had to by all new furniture including dishes flatware pots and pans, pretty much everything on her dollar. I'm not paying for anything. Also dint help her move a thing. I stayed and watched. Painful but necessary IMHO.
This is one thing I did stand strong on at least. I only let my wife take her clothes and personal belongings. She has had to by all new furniture including dishes flatware pots and pans, pretty much everything on her dollar. I'm not paying for anything. Also dint help her move a thing. I stayed and watched. Painful but necessary IMHO.
Well I started to go down that road, and she quickly turned nasty, sayin we are getting lawyers, glad to see my true colors, yada yada. In all honesty, I don't care. I want her to take whatever she wants.
She's walkin away from a decent chunk of change with our house. That's all mine. She's doesn't want anything. She could contest it and get 1/2 of everything. And she would if I fought her though, that's for sure, a little firecracker this one is.
And not to mention, she's leaving a good man. For that, I pity her a bit.
Don't get me wrong. She cherry picked a couple things, but nothing major. The house is pretty much intact. She hasn't actually brought up divorce since Febuary. But she know I've got a lawyer on retainer. Which is costing me couple hundred a month, but is worth the peace of mind IMHO
Don't get me wrong. She cherry picked a couple things, but nothing major. The house is pretty much intact. She hasn't actually brought up divorce since Febuary. But she know I've got a lawyer on retainer. Which is costing me couple hundred a month, but is worth the peace of mind IMHO
I totally understand ya. For my sitch, idk, everything seems to be fair for the most part, just weird seeing my current life kinda vanish/change so drastically. As much as I hurt, I remind myself that she's hurting as well, whether she shows it or not.
so W just text me and said the closing date on her condo is next Thursday. She needs me to sign a few things at the mortgage place, basically saying I am responsible for nothing. I agreed without hesitation.
Hey, she's not asking to sign divorce papers yet, right? ....right?? haha
So we were talking and she expressed how we are best friends, which I agree with. She told me she would love to remain friends after the split.
I'm at a loss as to what to do. I do not see myself staying friends with her if there isn't a chance to get back together. Is that selfish of me? Should I work on our friendship first, and worry about what happens next later?
If so, there's nothing to really work on, as our friendship is great. She said she is extremely comfortable around me, and that's part of the problem. I see it a bit differently, isn't that one of the reasons you choose to be with someone? I know I wouldn't want to be married to someone who I WASN'T comfortable around.
Ok, starting to get some pretty intense anxiety right now. I just got back from a quick vacation from Florida (which was awesome) and the reality is closing in hard when I got back last night. She's closes on her condo on Thursday. I know I have zero control over the situation, only myself, but it doesn't make it any easier.
At this point, I have no clue as to how to act around her. All I'm doing is hiding how much pain I'm actually in.
Digit,
I know exactly how you feel. My W's move out date is coming up in 14 days. For now we're doing the co-existing as friends thing. Which I hate. She also has talked about how we make better friends than husband/wife...In the back of my mind I'm screaming, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE EXCEPT THE DANG TITLE!!!
I don't know either if I can remain "friends" with my W if she decides to not make an effort to reconcile. She's talked about it though.
Hello DigIt,
Don't panic! You say you have no clue on how to act around her. At this point everything you say and everything you do needs to be very strategic.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Hello DigIt,
Don't panic! You say you have no clue on how to act around her. At this point everything you say and everything you do needs to be very strategic.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I'd love to talk with you, but I'm assuming your services cost money. Right now, I'm not in a position to be spending as freely as I'd like. Any advice you can offer here, I'd be greatly appreciative.
Digit,
I know exactly how you feel. My W's move out date is coming up in 14 days. For now we're doing the co-existing as friends thing. Which I hate. She also has talked about how we make better friends than husband/wife...In the back of my mind I'm screaming, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE EXCEPT THE DANG TITLE!!!
I don't know either if I can remain "friends" with my W if she decides to not make an effort to reconcile. She's talked about it though.
It's just really weird, and I'm having a very hard time understanding her side. I'm trying, and listening. But I am not starting ANY conversation about our R. Problem is, neither is she.
Hello DigIt,
Don't panic! You say you have no clue on how to act around her. At this point everything you say and everything you do needs to be very strategic.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I'd love to talk with you, but I'm assuming your services cost money. Right now, I'm not in a position to be spending as freely as I'd like. Any advice you can offer here, I'd be greatly appreciative.
Hi DigIt,
I'm not a Divorce Busting Coach. Please give me a call at 303-444-7004 and we can talk about how we can best help.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
DigIt,
My wife just moved out. It wasn't pleasant to see so much of our lives heading out the door, but if it happens, it is survivable and you will get through it.
I think my wife is already beginning to realize that the dream wasn't what she expected. I know that she woke up crying last night. She's already easier to talk to; she doesn't parse every word out of my mouth. I don't know what the long term effects will be, but I'm hopeful that it will turn into a positive step forward.
DigIt,
My wife just moved out. It wasn't pleasant to see so much of our lives heading out the door, but if it happens, it is survivable and you will get through it.
I think my wife is already beginning to realize that the dream wasn't what she expected. I know that she woke up crying last night. She's already easier to talk to; she doesn't parse every word out of my mouth. I don't know what the long term effects will be, but I'm hopeful that it will turn into a positive step forward.
I feel for you, I really do. Thanks for the thoughts. Right now, a lot of my house is packed up in a spare bedroom. I'm just continuing to hold out hope that things move in a positive direction once she leaves. We had a pleasant conversation this morning, so we are getting along just fine. I'm just continuing to focus on myself and trying to accept the way things are.
DigIt,
Thank you for the kind words!
I think things can move in a positive direction before and after the move. My wife and I actually got along fairly well prior to the move. The issue is that emotions are so raw and everyone is so sensitive that any minor, or unintentional, transgression can upset the balance.
One thing I've noticed about myself is that I'm inconsistent in my treatment of my wife. When I'm not angry I'll talk and joke with my wife. When I am angry I'll talk and joke with my wife, but my humor is a little more biting and sarcastic. I've got to work on that. The point is that, if your wife does move out, expect to have some anger bubble-up inside, but don't let it bubble-over in your conversations with your wife.
Doodler/Digit,
Question for ya'll. I'm in the same situation with my wife. We get along fine. But she's still moving out in 13 days. Once she moves out (or doodler, in your situation, now that she has moved out). Are you going dark and wait for her to contact you or are you going to try to make first contact?
DigIt,
Thank you for the kind words!
I think things can move in a positive direction before and after the move. My wife and I actually got along fairly well prior to the move. The issue is that emotions are so raw and everyone is so sensitive that any minor, or unintentional, transgression can upset the balance.
One thing I've noticed about myself is that I'm inconsistent in my treatment of my wife. When I'm not angry I'll talk and joke with my wife. When I am angry I'll talk and joke with my wife, but my humor is a little more biting and sarcastic. I've got to work on that. The point is that, if your wife does move out, expect to have some anger bubble-up inside, but don't let it bubble-over in your conversations with your wife.
You sound very similar to myself right now. I'm doing the whole 'act as-if', but depending on how I'm feeling, it comes across differently I think. Gotta get better at that.
And yea, everything is quite new and sensitive right now, I've seen it...W took down all the pictures but left the nails up. She said its all ready for new ones! I said in a very leisure way that I'd probably have to move them cuz the new pictures will be at different heights. Again, very casually, I didn't think anything of it. Come home the next day, and she had taken ALL the nails out because of what I said. Shocked me a bit, but also made me realize that she's listening and I need to be razor sharp with my communication.
Doodler/Digit,
Question for ya'll. I'm in the same situation with my wife. We get along fine. But she's still moving out in 13 days. Once she moves out (or doodler, in your situation, now that she has moved out). Are you going dark and wait for her to contact you or are you going to try to make first contact?
I absolutely will be going dark. Even though we are still living together, I kind of already have. We normally text throughout the day, just a lot in general. I stopped all of that, and even though the frequency has obviously gone down, she still reaches out from time to time, however mundane the topic is. I always answer, but not quickly.
I also have noticed that she hasn't even whispered anything about divorce since I stopped bringing it up. Patience is going to be key here, me thinks.
collin,
I don't know the "right" thing to do if you're hard-core DB, but right now my children are unhappy and I'm addressing that. We're just starting to figure out what works with regard to the boys parental schedule. My wife moved out on Monday and she brought them over on Monday and Tuesday. They'll be with me tonight so I invited my wife to have supper with us (just like old times).
Is that DB? I don't know, but it'll make the boys happy for us all to have supper together. That's really important to me right now.
So, in answer to your question, because of the boys, there's so much interaction between my wife and I that I can't go dark. In fact, I won't go dark because it'll hurt the boys. The best I can do is work on myself, GAL and be kind to my wife. I'm sure that plenty of others would disagree with that approach, but my sons need both parents and I think going dark would deprive them.
DigIt,
With regard to your wife leaving the nails up, my wife did the same thing. In fact, she just took her stuff and left any mess that was remaining. The first move out day (it took her two days), the house was a mess, but I was able to clean a lot of it up. The second move out day was a lot worse and will require a lot more work to clean-up. I have to clean the carpet where furniture used to be and there's a lot of dust and long forgotten small toys that were under the furniture.
collin,
I don't know the "right" thing to do if you're hard-core DB, but right now my children are unhappy and I'm addressing that. We're just starting to figure out what works with regard to the boys parental schedule. My wife moved out on Monday and she brought them over on Monday and Tuesday. They'll be with me tonight so I invited my wife to have supper with us (just like old times).
Is that DB? I don't know, but it'll make the boys happy for us all to have supper together. That's really important to me right now.
So, in answer to your question, because of the boys, there's so much interaction between my wife and I that I can't go dark. In fact, I won't go dark because it'll hurt the boys. The best I can do is work on myself, GAL and be kind to my wife. I'm sure that plenty of others would disagree with that approach, but my sons need both parents and I think going dark would deprive them.
Having kids in the mix definitely makes it hard. My advice would be to be cordial with her in front of the kids, but I wouldn't take it anywhere past that. That way, its as dark as you can get, and your kids don't know when they aren't around. Slippery slope for sure, but your absence will give her time to work on herself.
DigIt,
With regard to your wife leaving the nails up, my wife did the same thing. In fact, she just took her stuff and left any mess that was remaining. The first move out day (it took her two days), the house was a mess, but I was able to clean a lot of it up. The second move out day was a lot worse and will require a lot more work to clean-up. I have to clean the carpet where furniture used to be and there's a lot of dust and long forgotten small toys that were under the furniture.
My W is usually a clean freak, and I've noticed her not doing ANYTHING. That coupled with taking whatever she wants, I'm convinced she is testing me. There's been times when she says "I'm taking this and this" thinking she'll get a reaction. I just say "ok, that works, whatever you need." She's already offered her interior decorating services for me. Weird, I tell ya
The thing I'm scared about is, one of the major points of contentions in our M was that I was emotionally distant and that I didn't SHOW her I loved/cared for her. If she moved out and I go pitch dark, aside from when D is present (no phone calls, no texts, no emails, nothing) wouldn't that just validate her feelings? That's the last thing I want to do.
DigIt,
You're right, she won't miss me if she's not given the opportunity to miss me.
I have been been a real manly bad @ss though (just kidding). For some reason, my wife doesn't want me to go to her apartment complex. I know where she's living but she doesn't want me to go over there. Really weird, right? (There's no OM living there.) My youngest son mentioned to me last night that my wife had said that maybe we could start meeting someplace in between my house and her apartment to do the kiddie exchange. I told him (loud enough that she could hear) that since she doesn't want me at the apartment complex, she can drive to my house every time there's an exchange.
I'm doing a lot of work on the yard and house and I expect it to be spiffy in a few weeks. So, I'm happy for her to see what she's missing.
The thing I'm scared about is, one of the major points of contentions in our M was that I was emotionally distant and that I didn't SHOW her I loved/cared for her. If she moved out and I go pitch dark, aside from when D is present (no phone calls, no texts, no emails, nothing) wouldn't that just validate her feelings? That's the last thing I want to do.
That was a problem for us as well, and its true, I was distant. So going dark is scaring the living --- out of me! But I have made it -very- clear to her that I love her and am ready and willing to fix this. And that it can happen on her time. She knows I love her and wants to stay married. But I think there's some healing that needs to be done seperate from eachother, because she is not without her faults as well.
As long as she knows where you stand, she won't forget that. Don't constantly remind her or bring it up after its known where you want this to go.
DigIt,
You're right, she won't miss me if she's not given the opportunity to miss me.
I have been been a real manly bad @ss though (just kidding). For some reason, my wife doesn't want me to go to her apartment complex. I know where she's living but she doesn't want me to go over there. Really weird, right? (There's no OM living there.) My youngest son mentioned to me last night that my wife had said that maybe we could start meeting someplace in between my house and her apartment to do the kiddie exchange. I told him (loud enough that she could hear) that since she doesn't want me at the apartment complex, she can drive to my house every time there's an exchange.
I'm doing a lot of work on the yard and house and I expect it to be spiffy in a few weeks. So, I'm happy for her to see what she's missing.
I wouldn't press wanting to go to her place (not that you are). She doesn't want you there, don't go. As far as meeting halfway, I might agree sometimes, but not everytime. Keep yourself busy, so when its time for the exchange, you are busy with something and need her to just drop them off.
collin,
I think what DigIt said is correct, but now I want to add to your confusion. I've used a DB coach six times; they tend to take a softer approach, but at the same time they'll have you do things differently than spouse expects (essentially a 180). For example, if your wife is filing for divorce and she wants to tell the children about the pending divorce, then you can "help" he achieve what she wants. You can look for articles and/or get advice on how best to talk to children about divorce and pass the information along to her. She's not expecting that; she's not expecting you to help her toward that goal.
From the time my wife dropped the bomb, I'd been trying to delay the move-out and the divorce. So, even though I was trying to create distance, I was still in pursuit. I'd gotten my wife to agree to wait until the end of the school year to move out. However, I found out she'd already leased an apartment. After I found out about that, I decided to give her the heave-ho out the door (a 180). I thought I was relatively nice about it, but she later said that I'd more-or-less said "get the f*ck out." But really, it was a kind "get the f*ck out." Once the move was initiated, she seemed to snap out of the fog somewhat. She's not anywhere near out of the fog, but reality is setting in. Tons of money has been spent, the boys are unhappy, I'm certain she doesn't like where she's living and I know she's stressed and depressed. It's not fun, but she got what she wanted and she's feeling the pain.
One other tidbit that I'll leave you with; my wife is in an EA with a "happily married man." She claims he's "just a friend" but she'll divorce me over the friend (I'd call that an EA). I've put up with the EA for a while because I thought she'd come out of the fog. I don't think I would do that again; I think I'd just tell her to get her stuff and get out. I don't think a DB coach would tell you to do that, but I'm no longer willing to tolerate infidelity; they'll just do it again.
collin,
I think what DigIt said is correct, but now I want to add to your confusion. I've used a DB coach six times; they tend to take a softer approach, but at the same time they'll have you do things differently than spouse expects (essentially a 180). For example, if your wife is filing for divorce and she wants to tell the children about the pending divorce, then you can "help" he achieve what she wants. You can look for articles and/or get advice on how best to talk to children about divorce and pass the information along to her. She's not expecting that; she's not expecting you to help her toward that goal.
From the time my wife dropped the bomb, I'd been trying to delay the move-out and the divorce. So, even though I was trying to create distance, I was still in pursuit. I'd gotten my wife to agree to wait until the end of the school year to move out. However, I found out she'd already leased an apartment. After I found out about that, I decided to give her the heave-ho out the door (a 180). I thought I was relatively nice about it, but she later said that I'd more-or-less said "get the f*ck out." But really, it was a kind "get the f*ck out." Once the move was initiated, she seemed to snap out of the fog somewhat. She's not anywhere near out of the fog, but reality is setting in. Tons of money has been spent, the boys are unhappy, I'm certain she doesn't like where she's living and I know she's stressed and depressed. It's not fun, but she got what she wanted and she's feeling the pain.
One other tidbit that I'll leave you with; my wife is in an EA with a "happily married man." She claims he's "just a friend" but she'll divorce me over the friend (I'd call that an EA). I've put up with the EA for a while because I thought she'd come out of the fog. I don't think I would do that again; I think I'd just tell her to get her stuff and get out. I don't think a DB coach would tell you to do that, but I'm no longer willing to tolerate infidelity; they'll just do it again.
I absolutely agree with the 180 approach. I was fighting tooth and nail that she didn't want this, you're not thinking clearly, there's other ways, bla bla bla.
I finally felt, y'know what, if this is what you want, I'm game. It's not gonna get any worse than a D. Can only go up from there. She hasn't said anything about it since I started agreeing with her thinking. I won't file, but I would definitely sign papers if she did want to go thru with it.
DigIt,
I'm with you! Help them out the door with a smile on your face.
I know for a fact that my wife thought I'd fall to pieces without her, and that didn't happen. She's living in an apartment with no yard, very sad sons, no dog and she's pinching pennies. I'm certain it's not what she wanted. I'm not relishing that; it's been very hard on all of us, but it's what seems to be working.
I will say that I'm a lot tougher than I was before all of this nonsense. I was pretty much a candy-@ss, but no more and never again.
DigIt,
I'm with you! Help them out the door with a smile on your face.
I know for a fact that my wife thought I'd fall to pieces without her, and that didn't happen. She's living in an apartment with no yard, very sad sons, no dog and she's pinching pennies. I'm certain it's not what she wanted. I'm not relishing that; it's been very hard on all of us, but it's what seems to be working.
I will say that I'm a lot tougher than I was before all of this nonsense. I was pretty much a candy-@ss, but no more and never again.
I have a stepson that is in college, but we also have 2 dogs. Really wondering what she is gonna do about that, as we haven't discussed it but I know where she is moving has a 1 dog limit and she's always been adamant about keeping them together. I think SHE would fall apart without the pups, nevermind me!
I was just thinking about something my wife said and a light turned-on...
Over the past couple of days my wife has said that after her move is completed (it's completed) that she'll make sure she doesn't arrive at my house unannounced. She said a little more than that, but I've forgotten her exact words. She told me the same thing several times. I just shrugged it off because I don't really care; I've got nothing to hide.
I finally realized what her comments were all about. She probably thinks there's another woman around (there isn't). I'd pushed her out the door three weeks prior to the original planned move-out date. I'd never given any thought to how that might look to someone else. I'm a bit naive I guess.
Does anyone think that she was temp checking or am I reading too much into her comment?
Oops!!!
DigIt - I'm sorry. I thought I put the last post on my thread. I'll post it to my thread. Sorry about that.
Oops!!!
DigIt - I'm sorry. I thought I put the last post on my thread. I'll post it to my thread. Sorry about that.
no prob, I read it anyway, and if I could offer advice:
"She said a little more than that, but I've forgotten her exact words"
I'd make sure to pay very close attention to everything she says. Not sure how important it is/was, but you never know if you don't hear it!
DigIt,
You're right, I need to pay more attention to everything she says. Not listening to her has been one of my weaknesses.
Thanks!
DigIt,
You're right, I need to pay more attention to everything she says. Not listening to her has been one of my weaknesses.
Thanks!
no problem! Wasn't saying you never listen, but I've been trying to be extremely attentive, as I should be. I've found that helping people here helps me to remember to do it myself.
DigIt,
Thanks! I understand that you weren't saying that I never listen.
Yes, I found my style has been changing the longer I've been on the forum. I tend to ask more questions now. I'm not good at it yet, but I'm getting better and it's a great skill to use with the WW.
So today is closing day for my W condo. I apparently need to sign some papers. I ask her this morning for the address and when I plan on going there, and she says, "oh, you don't have to go now".
She offered no explanation why, and I didn't ask. But I did make sure that I will have zero responsibility for the condo (the original reason I had to sign)
Makes me wonder if she was just testing me all along, expecting to flip out or something when I had to take time out of my day to sign off on the condo. Maybe I'm looking to deep into it.
sad day either way
I absolutely will be going dark. Even though we are still living together,
How would you describe going dark?
I absolutely will be going dark. Even though we are still living together,
How would you describe going dark?
I would describe it as absolute zero contact initiated by me.
So I need some kind of reassurance here...W closed on the condo yesterday. We didn't speak at all yesterday. I went to bed assuming she wasn't coming home. But, she was here when I woke up.
What's really freaking me out is the permanence of what she's doing. She's not just renting an apartment here. She took out a mortage on a condo that needs a lot of work. She's replacing the carpet, refridgerator, microwave, stove, furnace needs work. Kitchen is being overhauled. I try to not think about it, but the thoughts still creep into my head about how permanent of a decision she is making.
Being on her own, without your assistance and availability, may be just what she needs in order to get back to wanting to work on the MR.
All this stuff she is doing may appear as her nailing the door shut. It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind. For a while, she may enjoy living the single life, but in time................
My question is, what will you be doing during this time?
Being on her own, without your assistance and availability, may be just what she needs in order to get back to wanting to work on the MR.
All this stuff she is doing may appear as her nailing the door shut. It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind. For a while, she may enjoy living the single life, but in time................
My question is, what will you be doing during this time?
I've actually already started (and will continue) doing a TON of things. I'm a musician, so I have really been into creating music. Just recently, starting to pursue a dream of learning to ride a motorcycle. Last weekend, I learned to fish, and enjoy it. I live right next to a big lake, so plenty of fun there. I've also gotten back into a workout regime, which I fell off of. Also, been doing a lot around the house, just repainted the garage, weather is breaking, so a lot of outside work to come. In short, I've been keeping myself really busy.
The part that scares me also, is that we both had become emotionally distant over the last couple years, so I don't want to seem like I don't care and being 'more of the same'. I really do care, and I'm ready to emotionally invest in my MR. I do need her to be as well if we are going to work. I'm just afraid that I'll go dark, and she won't initiate any contact herself, and what should have been an excellent, strong, beautiful, lasting relationship disappears into thin air because neither of us communicated correctly.
for all intents and purposes, I'm handling everything pretty well and I believe I am taking the right steps. But some of it is not natural. To step back and away from someone you love so dearly is not natural. So I sometimes second guess myself.
and I'd like to thank everyone for their input thus far. Please do not hesitate to tell me if I'm doing something wrong (or right!).
At this point, I'm stripping myself down to the core and rebuilding myself one positive at a time. And for that, I'm thankful.
Ok so, W and I agreed that she would pay her share thru June, as that's how long she said she'd be here. Just yesterday she txt me pretty frustrated with her son (my stepson) about a bad dentist checkup and I kept reassuring her everything would be fine for him.
She then asked that I help a little more with his schooling. My W makes more than me, so I'm unable to put up as much as her. I said sure, whatever I can afford, I'll help with. She then goes on to say that she's paid one mill for May and that she is done paying anything. I politely said we agreed that she'll pay thru June, but that that was fine.
And regarding helping with S / SS, we had a joint account which $950 is mine. I told her to just go ahead and keep it only if she promises to use it on his schooling, which she will. To which her response via txt was "ok"
Not sure what to make of her backing out of June's bills. Maybe she's feeling the pressure of moving out? Should I have not offered that money to her? (I could really use it) Any insight would be helpful.
I ended up going out last night. I had nothing left to do around the house and she was there for the night. This morning, she was grilling me about where I was. I'd like to be a bit more mysterious, but she asks SO many questions about where I go. I told where I was and with who, I don't want to lie to her. Part of me wants to say "why do even care, you're leaving me, remember?!" Ugh, a bit frustrating.
the cynical side of me just wants to say, "none of your business" but I'm better than that.
Oh, you are better than that. Is that what you tell yourself?
Why did you let her grill you? You don't have to lie to her! Don't you know how to tell her "end of questions" or even to "shut up"? She is not your mother. Neither are You on trial and under cross examination.
This is one reason she has lost respect for you, b/c you let her beat you down. Where are your b@lls? I can tell you. She took them a long time ago.
So...........when stripping yourself to the core, consider if you want to continue using sweet little lines about being the better person (b/c you don't stand up to her), or do you want to be a better man?
Oh, you are better than that. Is that what you tell yourself?
Why did you let her grill you? You don't have to lie to her! Don't you know how to tell her "end of questions" or even to "shut up"? She is not your mother. Neither are You on trial and under cross examination.
This is one reason she has lost respect for you, b/c you let her beat you down. Where are your b@lls? I can tell you. She took them a long time ago.
So...........when stripping yourself to the core, consider if you want to continue using sweet little lines about being the better person (b/c you don't stand up to her), or do you want to be a better man?
Thanks for that. I think she still cares and that's why she is asking. She didn't ask in a mean/demanding tone, more of a casual question/conversation. But I notice that she asks almost everytime I go out. I want her to care where I go. If my b@lls were in a vice, I don't think would go out in the first place.
I need to find the line where I can be assertive, but not be a d!ck, cuz that's what I always end up sounding like.
So...........when stripping yourself to the core, consider if you want to continue using sweet little lines about being the better person (b/c you don't stand up to her), or do you want to be a better man?
So would you suggest just telling her "its none of your business, you're leaving me, remember?"
the reason I'm asking is because I keep thinking back to the book, "will what I'm doing here help bring me closer or further to my goal". It seems counterintuitive to the book. Unless I'm not seeing something.
[quote=sandi2]
I need to find the line where I can be assertive, but not be a d!ck, cuz that's what I always end up sounding like.
This is a very fine line here. Consistency is the key IMHO.
I think Sandi answered your question.
[quote=sandi2]
I need to find the line where I can be assertive, but not be a d!ck, cuz that's what I always end up sounding like.
This is a very fine line here. Consistency is the key IMHO.
I think Sandi answered your question.
Guess I need to work on being more assertive then. In my sitch tho, I'm not sure that's the best route. We both spent a while just doing our own thing. I never had to ask for anything, I just did it. I'm trying to be empathetic now and do what's right. I feel I've done nothing but what I wanted to do, regardless of what she thought. Seems almost "more of the same" attitude to me. That's how I'm seeing it, maybe I've been blinded. Sounds like I'm not seeing something, so I'll try to be some assertive when she asks about my whereabouts. I'll report back.
I enjoy the advice, please step up with any more insight, thanks!
on other thing, as far giving her that money. She has spent $23,000 + on his schooling and I've only helped a bit with his CC and pocket money. To me, as a parent (step-parent or otherwise) I think this was grossly unfair on my part. I was spending money on me, when she's working two jobs to pay for her and S school. Just trying to do what's right now.
Yes yet another thing (since I have no idea wtf I'm doing) should I keep that chunk of money for myself? (Renig on my original offer for her to keep it and use for SS schooling)
it was suppose to be used to install carpet in our basement. I have already purchased the roll of carpet, out of my own pocket. I could really use the money right now, but I also feel bad I haven't contributed more the SS schooling. Please help
(since I have no idea wtf I'm doing)
Digit,
Last night there was a bat in my house. It flew around for a little while trying to find a way out then it just gave up and went and hung out on the curtain. I captured it and put it outside.
That's how I feel.
I don't have an answer to your question. Just wanted to tell you that you're not alone in not knowing what you're doing. I'm just blindly flying around like you hoping to find my way out of this mess waiting on the good people on this forum to help us out.
(since I have no idea wtf I'm doing)
Digit,
Last night there was a bat in my house. It flew around for a little while trying to find a way out then it just gave up and went and hung out on the curtain. I captured it and put it outside.
That's how I feel.
I don't have an answer to your question. Just wanted to tell you that you're not alone in not knowing what you're doing. I'm just blindly flying around like you hoping to find my way out of this mess waiting on the good people on this forum to help us out.
Thanks for the kind words. It really s#cks, and I feel a bit paralyzed. Personally, I'm ok, but I'm really caught up what to do about the SS school situation.
My main concern is I'd be flip flopping on what I originally said. I'm a better person than I was before and want to continue to project that.
well too late, I just text and told her since I already purchased the carpet and we agreed to install it, that I'll be using some of that money to finish it. The remainder can be used towards SS apt.
She said "this better be the last of the penny pinching. I owe, you owe BS. I really don't wanna do that with you."
So yea, she didn't like it.
(since I have no idea wtf I'm doing)
Digit,
Last night there was a bat in my house. It flew around for a little while trying to find a way out then it just gave up and went and hung out on the curtain. I captured it and put it outside.
That's how I feel.
I don't have an answer to your question. Just wanted to tell you that you're not alone in not knowing what you're doing. I'm just blindly flying around like you hoping to find my way out of this mess waiting on the good people on this forum to help us out.
And it sounds like, by your analogy, all the crazy, flying around every which direction, bouncing off one thing and bouncing off another trying to find the right path, is really just unnecessary. Because once you stop all the zigzag, i don't know what I'm doing, flying around nonsense, and finally decide that the 'curtain' looks like a nice place to calm down and rest and gather my thoughts for a while. You will be carried away by someone/something that already knows the path...
Now, who knows if that someone/something has the intention of taking you to the door and letting you fly away, or putting you on the kitchen counter and pounding you with a 5-lb frying pan over any over until you're a bloody mess... but umm, I'm getting distracted...and disturbed. be back later! GL!
I stood my ground and told her, "make no mistake, I'm not penny pinching, we had an agreement and I'm gonna follow it. No more, no less. I plan on helping SS as best I can, but I need to balance taking care of him and myself."
"ok. I get it." Woman of few words when she's mad.
I didn't even bring up the fact she's not paying her share of next months bills even though she agreed to that. Not even going there, that I can do without. Pinching pennies indeed.
well, I'm getting the expected response, she's wants me to call a lawyer I know to find out where to get divorce papers made up w/o a lawyer. I KNEW she was going to do this.
I helped her along and gave her the website she needs to file. She asked me if I want her to file. I said "No, I don't, but I'll sign any papers you give me."
I'm pretty bummed right now.
Digit,
Sorry to hear that. Hang in there.
was I right in doing what I did? I was at odds, but sandi's post made me think otherwise. I know my W is pretty pissed right now.
She didn't ask in a mean/demanding tone, more of a casual question/conversation
Well, I responded to the post you said she "grilled" you and had asked so many questions. Now you are saying it was a more casual question/conversation.
No, I do not suggest you tell her it's none of her business......unless she gets too horsey about it. It depends upon her attitude, mostly. If she is "grilling", I think you should say something that lets her know that she is as,ing too many questions.
If you have the type of personality and can smile and find it amusing, you can answer her questions with a question, or give very vague answers. pretend she is elderly, noisie neighbor who tries to corner you every chance she gets just to find out your business.
I know you want her to still care. You are not getting the point, here. The realization needs to hit her that she is giving up that right to ask you those things. Let me explain something. Even when a woman does not want to remain in the MR, and has no desire for her H...........she does not want him out there having a wonderful, happy time. Yeah, she may say she does, but it's a lie. At least, at this point, it is. And get this..........she does not want her position refilled. And, that is what's really behind all the questions!! So, you can think she really cares, if you want to..........but her caring is measured by what females were in your story. Like in, "where did you go", really means were you around any women. And, "who were went with you", or "who all was there", really means if any women were around. If you go fishing with just a buddy, do you think she wants to hear all about it? But tell her you were invited to a mixed group of people.....and look out for the questions.
With some women, and especially WW's, it is about control. She can't stand it if the H is acting as if he is a grown man who can come and go and do as he pleases. Why? B/c it is without her permission. She doesn't like not knowing all the details. If a man has a WW like that......he needs to break her from the control over him.
She didn't ask in a mean/demanding tone, more of a casual question/conversation
Well, I responded to the post you said she "grilled" you and had asked so many questions. Now you are saying it was a more casual question/conversation.
No, I do not suggest you tell her it's none of her business......unless she gets too horsey about it. It depends upon her attitude, mostly. If she is "grilling", I think you should say something that lets her know that she is as,ing too many questions.
If you have the type of personality and can smile and find it amusing, you can answer her questions with a question, or give very vague answers. pretend she is elderly, noisie neighbor who tries to corner you every chance she gets just to find out your business.
I know you want her to still care. You are not getting the point, here. The realization needs to hit her that she is giving up that right to ask you those things. Let me explain something. Even when a woman does not want to remain in the MR, and has no desire for her H...........she does not want him out there having a wonderful, happy time. Yeah, she may say she does, but it's a lie. At least, at this point, it is. And get this..........she does not want her position refilled. And, that is what's really behind all the questions!! So, you can think she really cares, if you want to..........but her caring is measured by what females were in your story. Like in, "where did you go", really means were you around any women. And, "who were went with you", or "who all was there", really means if any women were around. If you go fishing with just a buddy, do you think she wants to hear all about it? But tell her you were invited to a mixed group of people.....and look out for the questions.
With some women, and especially WW's, it is about control. She can't stand it if the H is acting as if he is a grown man who can come and go and do as he pleases. Why? B/c it is without her permission. She doesn't like not knowing all the details. If a man has a WW like that......he needs to break her from the control over him.
THANK YOU so much for the response. I have nothing to lose with her. It's already lost. I'm taking the steps needed to regain control over my life. I do understand "why" she's asking, I'm just not good with words. It's why I'm a guitarist and not a singer!
I don't know what's goin on with her, I gave her a link to where you file. She's been silent since then. Jus waiting for the text that she's moved on it. Oh well
She didn't ask in a mean/demanding tone, more of a casual question/conversation
Well, I responded to the post you said she "grilled" you and had asked so many questions. Now you are saying it was a more casual question/conversation.
No, I do not suggest you tell her it's none of her business......unless she gets too horsey about it. It depends upon her attitude, mostly. If she is "grilling", I think you should say something that lets her know that she is asking too many questions.
If you have the type of personality and can smile and find it amusing, you can answer her questions with a question, or give very vague answers. pretend she is an elderly, noisie neighbor who tries to corner you every chance she gets just to find out your business. how would you handle it?
I know you want her to still care. You are not getting the point, here. Yes, she may care, but I think it is more curiosity The realization needs to hit her that she is giving up that right to ask you those things. Let me explain something. Even when a woman does not want to remain in the MR, and has no desire for her H...........she does not want him out there having a wonderful, happy time. Yeah, she may say she does, but it's a lie. At least, at this point, it is. And get this..........she does not want her position (as the wife or woman in your life) refilled. Not that she wants it. She just doesn't want anyone else having it. And, that is what's really behind all the questions!! So, you can think she really cares, if you want to..........but her
caring is measured by what females were in your story. Like in, "where did you go", really means were you around any women. And, "who went with you", or "who all was there", really means if any women were around. If you go fishing with just a buddy, do you think she wants to hear all about it? But tell her you were invited to a mixed group of people.....and look out for the questions.
With some women, and especially WW's, it is about control. She can't stand it if the H is acting as if he is a grown man who can come and go and do as he pleases. Why? B/c it is without her permission. She doesn't like not knowing all the details. If a man has a WW like that......he needs to break her from the control over him.
Most LBH'S with a WW, have a problem in being too soft, b/c they are trying to win her back. Well, be careful what you win!
Being a better man, does not mean being a measley mouth marshmallow. A woman wants a man who are is stronger than her. She wants a man who is not afraid to stand up to her and put her in her place (for a lack of better words) when she gets out of line. And brother, if you have a wayward wife, you had better learn how....and quickly.
Don't misunderstand. I am not telling you to be a jerk. You can become better. Just don't lose your manhood.........or you won't
[quote]
Most LBH'S with a WW, have a problem in being too soft, b/c they are trying to win her back. Well, be careful what you win!
Being a better man, does not mean being a measley mouth marshmallow. A woman wants a man who are is stronger than her. She wants a man who is not afraid to stand up to her and put her in her place (for a lack of better words) when she gets out of line. And brother, if you have a wayward wife, you had better learn how....and quickly.
Don't misunderstand. I am not telling you to be a jerk. You can become better. Just don't lose your manhood.........or you won't
I'm walking a very thin line right now. I feel it was in the right direction though. The past few months, she hasn't said ANYTHING about divorce, and the SECOND I challenge something, she wants to file. It alsmost seems a bit childish on her part, which really speaks to how she is feeling right now. I know this isn't the real her, but I will not be taken advantage of. I've been more than supportive of her through all of this.
and yes, I am becoming better. I'm not intitiating any MR talk, but I'm more than glad to if she brings it up. I also have said that I WILL help with SS, but how remains to be seen.
I mean, if you think about it, yesterday I had $950. That was mine. I said to go ahead a use it for SS apt. I'm only going to need probably $350 or so of it, so I'm GIVING her $600 and she's all mad about it. yeesh!