My old threads:
My first thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2650649#Post2650649My second thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2669143&page=1Third thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2672066&page=11In a way I can't believe that I'm on my fourth thread already. Somehow I had hoped/imagined that things would have normalized a bit by now, but I was so naive when I first arrived here. Now I'm months into this misadventure, and a bit more, I don't know... realistic, I suppose?
Summary of my little drama:
H literally ran away from home, blocking my phone number, etc., on the night of our 20th wedding anniversary. I was blown away, never expected it, all the usual shock and awe. Life as I knew it imploded in an instant, taking with it so many of my hopes and dreams for the future. Was our life perfect before that? No. We had had a couple episodes that in hindsight should have been major alarm bells, but the previous year had been really good, and I thought we had made it through the rough patch. Nope.
For the first 3 months, H would only communicate by email, and all of that was hopeful, telling me his goal was to work on our M, loves me, etc.. I've seen him three times in person since walk-away date, and at the second visit I discovered and then he confessed being in a PA and told me he had rented an apartment. I had my hopes dashed and things have not gone well since. H has never really explained to me what happened. What he did do was start rehashing and trashing old memories when he tried to explain what he thought was wrong. What I've really taken away form this is a feeling of deep confusion. I don't understand what happened, really, or why.
Currently almost NC at all, except when I flake out and send him a super brief email, to which he will respond very quickly, but not with anything meaningful.
After the PA discovery, I pretty much tanked and fell apart in a lot of ways. I started reaching out like crazy, started on SSRIs, added a grief counselor to the mix, and continue to see my own psychologist. Those are all new things for me.
Are they helping? I guess I'd have to say that something is, because late last week, something shifted inside. I still can't quite explain it or say what's different, but things have been better. Part of it is the near-NC and part of it is the grief counselor. She's been really helpful in reframing my thought process. And finally, a big part of what is changing is finally just letting myself feel the way I feel, knowing that it is reactive and normal, allowing it to pass, and knowing, deep down, that I am not fundamentally broken. That's been tremendously helpful.
I want to thank everyone who has been keeping up with me. It has helped me so much to know that there are other people out there listening and supporting me. Know that your words have helped me so much.
So where are things right now?
Well, I saw a L in my current state already, and am seeing one in H's state on Friday. That means that I intend to drive out to our other house tomorrow (a 5 hour drive), and stay the night, get some of my stuff from the house, and see the L the next day. I won't risk seeing H or his AP (there is no reason for them to be there), so I intend to send him a text when I'm about an hour out, just telling him I will be there and that I would appreciate my space. I don't expect any issues.
So, here I am, fourth thread just beginning, still here in limbo, still dealing with anxiety and depression (but I want to say that they're both a fair bit better), and still trying very hard to learn detachment.
Today two of my three activities that I had planned fizzled. I did actually see my therapist, and we talked a lot about me learning how to protect myself better, emotionally. He says that he knows that I need to arrive at any decision to give up on my M on my own, and in my own time, but he says that he will continue to check in with me to see ho w I'm feeling on that subject. He wants me to know that he is not nudging me in any direction, but rather wanting me to know that he thinks it is something I need to address and not keep putting off indefinitely. Or something like that.
My second activity, a nice walk with a friend didn't happen because she's not feeling well, and the third activity, getting more scrap gone didn't happen because the guy didn't show up this evening like he said he would. So.... that was a bummer. I really wanted to get that stuff gone!
Now that I know he's not coming, I'm going to go take myself for a walk on my own. I don't need company to go outdoors and enjoy this beautiful day. Maybe I'll get some birding in while I'm out there? I'm gong to take my binoculars and see how it goes.
I had a really great walk and even saw a bird that I've only ever seen once before, even if they are common and I see signs of them all the time! I even lay down on my grassy hill and did some relaxation in the twilight. It was great.
So... a couple big days coming up! Hope I can stay on script, and avoid seeing my H altogether. Not looking forward to meeting yet another L, but it had to happen eventually.
I AM SO EXCITED!!!! I am going to have a bee colony on my property in the next few weeks! All because I happened to be outdoors when a beekeeper stopped by to buy a couple dozen eggs. Total serendipity.
Sorry, that's all the news I have. I just wanted to share that I'm doing a brand new GAL activity that I have wanted to be involved with for probably 20 years, and I am finally getting a chance to do it. Super psyched.
Phoebe,
It gives me great joy reading your posts. Things are really going your way and I know it is because your Dbing so well.
You are working on you, you are focused on making you the best you there is. PMA, GALing, healing, making social connections, and most important, you keep getting back up no matter what punches are thrown at you.
I am so proud of you and it truly makes me happy to know how well you are progressing.
Keep at it.
Pheobe, you are coming along in strides! I love reading your posts!
I don't know where you live, but when you talk about your property, I envision that old Chevy Chase movie "Funny Farm." Remember that one? In fact, come to think of it, their marriage falls apart and they almost D also. LOL. If anyone hasn't seen that movie, go out and rent it. Today. You will get a good laugh in if anything!
Anyhow, I digress, your property sounds amazing, and I'm super jealous of the space, bees and chickens.
-Blu
Thanks, Hub and Blu.
I really do love my property. I have over 120 acres, maybe half in open fields, and the rest is wooded. I have a very small pond, a stream, and from the fields I can look out over a huge lake, even if I don't front it directly. Every single day I am grateful that I live in such a beautiful corner of the world. The "house" such as it is, isn't much at all (let's just say that H detests it) and the plan was always to build something new, but there's no mortgage and that means a lot, especially now.
The farm was in the hands of some seriously neglectful owners for decades before we bought it, and a few parts of the property have been abused pretty badly (like the area around the house!!). I am slowly trying to heal the land of the mess they left behind.
One of my new favorite activities is what I call "chicken-directed yard work." I let the birds out to free range, and they dig up all kinds of things - nails, plastic, glass, pieces of metal, what have you - and I walk around periodically and pick it up, making my world just a little bit nicer. Gotta love chickens. They're fun to watch, their fresh eggs keep me fed, and they help me heal the land. Win-win-win. They even got me in contact with my new beekeeping mentor. Who knew?
I'll go search for Funny Farm, Blu. I could use a comedy these days!
I'm so happy that your wonderful paradise (to be) is bringing you such comfort and happiness! It's such a great thing that you can feel all this excitement about future plans like for the bees - the ability to think ahead and plan for the future with excitement is a serious measurement of how we're doing mentally.
I hope the drive and consult and stay go peacefully and uneventfully. Keep us posted!
Phoebe,
I grew up on a dairy farm, and we also had chickens. They really are something to watch when free ranging.
I'm sure your place is going to look great when you get done with it, and that it's giving you some peace, and happiness. Your doing great Phoebe, keep at it.
HI everyone! I'm about to launch off on my drive to what ought to be H's state. Hopefully he's in his apartment (in the third state) and not hanging around. It always grates on me to think that I am in a crappy pseudo-house, and he lets our other, perfectly beautiful house, sit empty. It makes no sense.
My intent is to notify him that I'm going to be there to pick up a few things just before I arrive. I don't want to risk seeing him, and I also didn't want to give him a bunch of time to do anything to the place, not that I expect he would.
I'm not expecting any drama or really anything at all. Pick up just a few things that I've been missing, see the L, and then return to sender.
Fingers crossed for a very non-eventful trip with no contact with H beyond my heads up text.
Fingers crossed for you! I hope you have a beautiful and peaceful drive. If you start to feel your mind racing, crank that radio up, roll down the windows, and sing out loud!
You got this!
-Blu
Hi Phoebe,
Safe travels and remember to "act as if" .
I love this advice from MWD. It applies to everything in life. Act as if this will be a calm peacful trip. Act as if everything will go as you plan. And if some of the circumstances change, act as if it is no big deal and you are still a happy confident person.
As I reflect on my current challenges I see that my anxiety is focused on worse case scenarios and so I act as if that will be the case. Then the whole self fulfilling thing happens. I have set goals to do the opposite. I will look at situations and see the best case scenarios so I can act as if they will happen. That way even if it does not, then I have still acted as if and will be better for it. I am learning also to act as if I have no expectations from others and then no matter what they do or say, it's not my concern.
Now I say this and know easier said than done, but I have to make a shift and sharing this with you is as much for you as it is for me.
Safe travels and may your trip go well for you.
Sending rainbow hugs for strength ((()))
Ugh. Halfway through my drive and taking a break and realizing that I'm nervous.
Haven't sent my text notification to H yet that I will be there tonight. Not even sure yet how to phrase it. Worried what I will find in our house. Also feeling angry at him for everything he has done and continues to do.
Distance was better.
Hope all goes well with seeing him- if you see him. It can't be an easy trip so sending you lots of strength.
Your posts make me so happy and proud, you are coming on so great, it's great. And I would so love to lie on the grass with you and watch a nice sunset.
Not seeing him, though as soon as I sent my text telling him I'd be here overnight he asked if we could meet tomorrow.
I got to our house, found all the photos of me, us, and my family all hidden away, our couch gone, and some art gone, the gifts he dissed at our last meeting all stuffed in s closet. Lawn overgrown, water feature almost dry, place looks abandoned. Now I'm angry. I told him that I was here, and no, I would not see him tomorrow, that I wasn't up for any excitement in this trip. What a monumental jerk.
House is so empty. Hate it here and, quite frankly, I'm kind of hating him right now, too.
Let the ripples of anger flow through. V has shared with me that it is healthy, ecspecially the white anger.
I have been feeling it a bit more and it actually calms me a bit. It helps me focus on what I know I can accomplish.
There is a saying that goes something like, the best way to get revenge is by doing what they say you could not.
I am bending that quote to sound something like, the best way to have her regret leaving me, is to prove that I can be the man that she is foolish for leaving. That stokes the white anger for me.
I see some shadows of that coming from your last post. I would say trade the hate for anger.
Stoke that fire for a bit if needed. It is a feeling of a bit more control. Control of ourselves that is.
SadHub, I completely agree! Phoebe, while you do not need to act on it, you also do not need to deny yourself this anger. Yes--He has been a monumental jerk! He certainly does not deserve to see you and he doesn't need to know where you are at or how you are feeling! Not even close! He gets nothing but to wonder and stew in it!
Sometimes feeling the hurt and anger, yelling & crying, or expressing it however you need to, can be very cathartic! It is okay to feel that and let it pass through you just like the sadness. You are doing fantastic! This is another big step you are taking and you will only get stronger! It's time to go dark!
-Blu
I felt like I had to break the darkness to be certain I wouldn't run into him at the house. Wish I hadn't felt like I needed to do that.
There is no way I am going to meet with him anywhere but on my own home turf if and when I see him again. He knows where I live and he can drive himself out there to tell me whatever he has to say.
I'm documenting what's gone from the house. I'm worried someone is going to break into our house, because it's becoming obvious that it's not occupied. He has just completely abdicated all responsibility. This was supposed to be his place to live in and care for, and now it's just going to pot while he lived in his stupid apartment. I'm so frustrated.
So, I'm hanging in the parking lot of a fast food restaurant, trying to avoid going back to that sad empty house. its a pretty poor way to spend an evening, watching street cleaners going in circles at the neighboring Big Box Store, and using the Internet on my phone.
As so many people have said recently, I just keep feeling like I'm stuck in a bad dream from which I just can't seem to wake up.
I wonder how I got here, how I missed the signs that my marriage was falling apart around me, how I missed hearing all the lies. I'm feeling OK, I guess, just kind of lost. Nothing new.
Far from low/NC today -there were a bunch of texts after I notified H I would be here and then turned down the idea of him meeting me at this house tomorrow. All admit n kind of stuff, but I was polite and do was he. For once he was wordier than I was. That's a bit of a change.
I'm resolute on one thing: the next time he knocks me flat with his news or whatever he wants to talk about, I'm going to have it be in my own territory, somewhere that I am comfortable and where I have people around me who can help me and support me. Now back to my previously scheduled darkness toward H.
The anger has alr day passed through me, and I'm feeling OK with that. No uptick in shaking or anything, and that says a lot.
You can do this Phoebe,
I think that is a good strategy, meet him on your turf, he needs to come back to you. H needs to earn your trust again and respect you. Stay positive and focus on you! At least you ate some comfort food tonight! McDonalds is always yummy every once in a while!
Hi Phoebe,
You have done well today. Let it pass through and find some peace and rest this night.
You are in my prayers and I am sending you all my support and positive thoughts this night that you may feel some comfort.
Sleep well sweet Phoebe, and may you have pleasant dreams.
Thank you, JimKao and SadHub. Your encouragement and support and kind words mean a lot to me.
Tomorrow, the next lawyer. Tonight, I try to decide where to sleep in the house. I'm thinking guest futon, even if it's not very comfortable.
Good luck, Phoebe! Try to take over the space - put your stuff out and occupy it.
On the bright side... He hasn't taken OW into the house. That would be worse.
I just found out a few days ago that H had OW visit our home over a year ago while I was gone. It made me sick. He has denied that she was ever there all along.
No, Painter. She definitely has been in the house. Hence the reason I'm not in the master bedroom.tuck. : (
I think she's been here at least twice, but I only have proof of one time.
That should have been "Yuck." Not tuck.
Fat fingers.
No, Painter. She definitely has been in the house. Hence the reason I'm not in the master bedroom.tuck. : (
I think she's been here at least twice, but I only have proof of one time.
I understand (probably why the pictures are put away) - I meant that he's not living there with her, at least.
Good morning Phoebe,
I hope you got some rest and found some peaceful moments this past night.
Rainbow hugs for strength, and I said a prayer for you so that you may have strength and clarity of mind as you embark on the journey of your day.
(((Phoebe)))
Be well this day, and take a moment to remember those things that you are grateful for. It will provide some peace in those moments you need it most.
Thank you, SadHub. You're right, Painter. It would be worse if they were both here. Can't imagine how messy that would be. Super Yuck!
Well, sleep was a lofty goal in a strange bed in this house. I fell asleep sometime before 2am and then woke up at 5:19. Trying to doze for hours now, and fell asleep just long enoUgh to have a dream about some creepy guy assaulting me in public. Very strange dream. It has not helped that since daybreak, literally the whole time, a robin has been tapping on a window downstairs. I tried shifting the screen so he wasn't seeing his reflection as much, but to no avail. Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap. He's a confused bird.
Anyway, no joy in Whoville today. Time to finish loading the car, then the L, then out of here. I can't wait to get this over with.
Aw, sorry you slept so poorly and had nightmares. It wa 2am to 7am for me. Hope there's a Starbuck's nearby, and be careful when you drive home!
Sometimes I'm not sure if this site is for marriage support, or insomnia support! Or maybe it's for uncontrolled weight loss support?
Then again, we also have the ''shaking all the time' cohort, which I am proud to represent once again.
Trench humor... I figure if I can't laugh then I might as well pack it in, so I'm choosing to laugh at the absurdity that is my world these days!!! I'm glad For all the good company here, whatever group we happen to be be.
I'm super shaky again this morning. Darn it. Another L meeting where I keep my hands hidden in my lap.
Yes, we make up quite the club that no one really wants to be a part of, but a supportive little community none the less.
I like sadhubs thoughts on anger, I think as we feel those waves of white anger they spur us on to be a bit more determined. And I like that he says he will make her regret her decision by making himself be the best man he can be. I'm all with him. I'm going to make h regret his decision by being the best woman that I can be.
Hope the shakes disappear before seeing the L. And hope you have a good day, even if slightly sleep deprived.
Keep that smile Phoebe. The endorphins will help counter the anxiety adrenaline and minimize the shakes for ya.
It's good to see you keeping the humor as we all need it a bit more in our lives these days.
You'll do great today and take a darn anti anxiety med if needed to minimize the shakes. That's what someone told me once
Sending some good karma your way and MAKE it a good day.
Smiling away over here!!! Car is all loaded and I'm just sitting around frittering the time away until I need to leave for my appointment.
No food in the house, so granola bar for breakfast. Mmmmmmm. I suppose I could go get food before the L. Not at all interested in it, though. My therapist won't be pleased.
Thanks for the small 2x4, SadHub, more like a gentle tap with a dowel, but I get it. I will definitely take the anxiety meds if I need them, but I'm not feeling anxious right now. Just shaky. I've been playing with my beta-blockers a bit. Went back to old dosage but taken in the morning instead of before bed, thinking 'who cares if I shake at night, right?' The double dose in the morning worked better, no doubt about it. My GP won't be pleased with me for playing around with my meds, either way. I suspect she already knows the frustrations of treating someone with medical training!
My life, my choice, I say!!! LOL.
SadHub, you're on notice: I'm doing my mindfulness meditation to fill some of this time. Game on, mister!
Go get a milk shake? Or a breakfast sandwich at 7-Eleven? I can usually always get down a banana, at least. Banana milk shake!
Yes Phoebe, listen to painter, your GP, me and anyone else telling you to eat something.
You need the nutrition. I know it is a challenge, but it is needed.
I know you know this, but we care and so consider this a 2x4, as this is a must day in and day out.
I find that my appetite may be missing, but my body does not reject the food. So it may be more of a chore than a joy to eat, but this is the time to "eat to live" instead of what we are accustomed to which tends to be " we live to eat".
Please make eating as much a priority as breathing for now. Keep it simple, make it nutritious, and when possible enjoy it. This will give strength which will help in the emotional healing and mental focus. Did you ever see a Buddast monk that looked like they were hungry? Haha of course not. Nutrition is good for the body and the mind, and your meditation will go better when you are fed nutritiously.
And yes, I'm gonna meditate good to night so the challenge is still on.
You got this!
And I'm gonna bug ya like your father would when you were young and not eating your veggies. You cannot get down from the table to you eat all your veggies.
I only have a couple minutes, but I'm following orders and trying to stuff down another granola bar. I'll eat real food afterward, promise.
OK, another bunch of $ into paid legal consultation, and yet another person telling me that even if H gave up all his shenanigans and came back, that it would never be the same and that I could never trust this person.
I know that, and yet I still hold out hope. I don't even know what for any more.
Are D lawyers completely jaded, or are they this way because they've seen it all before and are good at predictions?
Random aside - One thing that was very cool was that she took all her notes in shorthand!! I've never actually seen anyone use it before.
She says our residency issue is a mess and with H in yet another state it gets more complicated all the time. It would definitely be to H's advantage if the process was in his state, rather than mine. I wish that weren't the case, because it means I will lose if he filed in his state first. He has not mentioned anything, but who knows what he wanted to talk to me about today. I suspect either D or selling house out here.
Ugh. I want to wake up from this nightmare.
I am proud of you, Phoebe. I hope you return home safely and feel a huge wave of relief that this trip is behind you.
-Blu
OK, another bunch of $ into paid legal consultation, and yet another person telling me that even if H gave up all his shenanigans and came back, that it would never be the same and that I could never trust this person.
I know that, and yet I still hold out hope. I don't even know what for any more.
Are D lawyers completely jaded, or are they this way because they've seen it all before and are good at predictions?
Random aside - One thing that was very cool was that she took all her notes in shorthand!! I've never actually seen anyone use it before.
She says our residency issue is a mess and with H in yet another state it gets more complicated all the time. It would definitely be to H's advantage if the process was in his state, rather than mine. I wish that weren't the case, because it means I will lose if he filed in his state first. He has not mentioned anything, but who knows what he wanted to talk to me about today. I suspect either D or selling house out here.
Ugh. I want to wake up from this nightmare.
Yes! Of course not all are, but D lawyers can be jaded. Think about it, they see the worst of the worst and their job is to protect you. It is also to get your business.
The first consultation I had was with a very successful high-powered atty who is also a judge. She knows the law inside and out. I had several questions, but during that hour, I felt that she was more trying to emotionally support me. It was very kind, but not what I was looking for. She also tried to help me understand all the harm that H could do and that he would not change. She answered my questions and explained how I could protect myself legally and financially, even though in my sitch it did not benefit me to do anything. There was no room in that convo for reconciliation as a possibilty!
This is very hard, and your sitch with multiple states and assets, sounds confusing. I'm also hoping these attys are addressing if any of these are at fault states and if that makes a difference? ... And more so, I hope there is no urgency to file anything because I think that is just an added stress.
I'm sorry this is so hard. At least you are getting information on this trip.
-Blu
Having a really hard time suddenly. I'm one hour into my drive and I had to pull off into a parking lot because I started just sobbing, shaking like crazy. Nothing more fun than public displays of falling apart. people are walking by. It's great and all I want to do is hide. Camouflaging myself by playing with my phone.
I was doing ok, and then my mind wandered to something my therapist asked me last week: "what are you afraid of?" I had no answer for him then, but today I was just driving and realized that I am afraid of being alone. Not at a particular moment, but of being truly alone for the rest of my life. Terrified.
My therapist is right to be convened. Relaying all the details to the L today reminded me how deep the betrayal runs. How will I learn to trust again after all of this?
I'm a mess today.
In case you're reading this and wondering, SadHub: yes, I just took my meds.
OK. An hour later and a good talk with my mom and I'm ready to get back to my drive.
I let myself feel the grief and sadness and then it passed. One hour. I can live with that. Now I'm going into this quick stop to buy me some darn CHOCOLATE as a pick me up.
Crisis passed.
Aww... I'm so sorry you went through that.
Glad your mom was available and that you're feeling better now. Chocolate makes everything better!
You won't be alone the rest of your life. I promise.
Phoebe,
It is okay. Let the sadness pass through. You have just endured a very difficult task and you did so with poise and courage. The task is over and now you will naturally feel the flood of emotions.
Let it pass and be kind to yourself. Believing that you will be alone and unable to trust is looking into the future and trying to paint it with the old paint from the past. This is not fair to yourself not to the potentials of your future. Now please don't misunderstand me, your fears are normal and maybe even natural after what you are going through, but FEAR is not real. FEAR has been defined as False Evidence Appearing Real. But it is simply our mind trying to protect us based on percieved emotional or physical pain. Unfortunately while our brain tries to protect us, if we simply believe it, we create walls that can cause more harm. If you believe that you can never trust, then you will be alone.
You are working to be a better person each and everyday. You are in contact with people everyday. And when the time is right, and you have gone through the healing process you will trust again. And you are not alone even now.
I know this is not the same as what we had with our spouses, but if we would have known that we would be in this situation, would we have trusted then? Trust is a leap of faith at any season in our lives and we cannot allow the betrayal of one that we trusted to ruin it for our future self. Then we only sell ourselves short of opportunities.
You and I are going through a process and we will be better on the other side. This I believe, have hope for and will put my faith into a future with trust and companionship. It just may look different than I ever imagined, but we owe it to ourself.
Hopefully the med has calmed your nerves. Now do something that makes you smile tonight and go be with a friend or family member if possible.
You are doing well. Know this.
(((Phoebe)))
I'm taking a little rest from driving. Still have a few hours to go, but I'm feeling better. Still kind of sad, but functional.
Thank you for the reminders today, Cherry, Blu, Painter, and SadHub. You have all helped me today. My Mom even got me laughing when I talked to her. It's good to be able to reach out when things are tough.
Today I am grateful that I have people looking out for me, the ones I know in person, and the ones I have found here.
It is so good to hear that you are doing well Phoebe.
Have a wonderful Friday night and keep smiling!!!
And don't forget a little meditation tonight before you go off to sleep.
I'll try to remember, SadHub. It'll be after 11 when I get home, though. Ugh.
Taking yet another break in my drive. The drive out was nothing at all, but the return trip is taking forever!!! All these stops add up, and I'm tired. Going to go score a hot chocolate or something at the rest stop.
Hi Phoebe.
And do a 1 minute meditation and that will count. HAHA, That's because thats all I have been practicing this week, before going to step 2 in our meditation book.
Enjoy the hot chocolate and drive safe.
Hot chocolate was sweet and hit the spot. I FINALLY made it home (well my evening spot, since I still am not sleeping in my own home), but close enough.
Today was exhausting. First the lawyer, and the trip home took 8.5 hours, instead of the normal 5, because of all my various stops to cry and rest and reach out to others for support. Good grief.
(pun intended). And that while running on something like 4 hours of really bad sleep.
So glad that it's over, and even more glad that I declined to meet with my H. I still wonder what he wanted to see me about, but I have no intention of asking him. If it's important, he knows how to contact me and he surely knows where I live.
Glad to hear you made it back safe!
I could break down and cry simply from trying to function on 4 hours of sleep... Didn't need any other reason. Hope you get more tonight!
(((Phoebe)))
Glad you made it back safely.
I hear you on the crying in public part. I ugly cry in public so often that I am amazed no one has put up a video of me ugly crying in public. I suppose the world is not such a cruel place after all.
Hang in there, you're one tough lady. I was all over the place when I was at your stage. And I am guessing that regardless of the pacity of communication between you and H, he can feel this strength emanating from you.
Keep on keeping on!
All over the place is a really apt description of how I feel these days. This morning I woke up immediately thinking of H and what he had done in our house (hiding photos, etc. so his AP wouldn't see them). I try to deflect the thoughts, but they're right below the surface, just waiting to pop back up.
I need distance. Physical distance is a given, but I need space away from him inside my own head. That's harder.
I find journaling on paper helps a lot to get rid of/let go of H-thoughts. And then get busy.
The morning is the time when the thoughts come, and also late at night.
Wonderful idea painter. I must try this, as the nights and mornings are without a doubt the worst.
Phoebe,
Have a wonderful day, find things that make you smile, feel the support and strength that I am sending and rainbow hugs of comfort for you this fine day.
(((Phoebe)))
Thank you, Painter and SadHub.
I should probably try journaling on paper, but I have never had a lot of luck with it int he past. I am having a better time just writing it here. Why that should deb easier, I have no idea, though I must say that it is easier to type than write with these stupid shaking hands.
I had to do some of my actual profession-type work today on a wild creature. I enjoyed it, but let's just say that I could never have other people seeing my hands shake that way while I'm working. It's OK for my family members to see it, but that's it.
Man, one lousy trip to my other house, not even seeing H, and I am right back to shake-o-matic mode. Grrrrr.
I'm going to spend my day outside today. It's cool, but beautiful and sunny, and I working keeps my mind at bay.
Hope everyone has a good day! Stay strong.
Enjoy your day outside Phoebe!
Good evening Phoebe.
I hope you have had a nice day. Were you able to enjoy that weather and have some fun with the work.
I wanted pop in and say hello.
So I felt a bit down early on today and was anxious, but it passed as I got outdoors and started working. My parents had me over for dinner, so I even got in one high-quality meal for the day, including SALAD!!! Eating remains a chore, but I'm trying.
I know that I am afraid of spending the rest of my life alone, but it surely isn't because I feel like I can't handle myself. Given how badly I've been feeling about myself lately, maybe I ought to toot my own horn a little more often. Here goes: I am a tractor-driving, skid steer-operating, tool-literate, animal-keeping, competent, hard-working person. And I can do surgery on a chipmunk. Toot, toot.
Maybe my H does have reason to feel inferior? LOL.
Just kidding on that one. I still don't understand him saying that. He has so many skills that I don't.
Anyway, I did a bunch more brush hogging today, and before that I got another mess off my property with my skid steer and the help of the scrapper dude Pretty pleased to have spent the day making my corner of the world a little better.
For some reason, this morning I had this feeling like H would come back at some point. I don't know why. Part of it was just looking around at our land on this beautiful spring day and just simply being unable to understand why H wouldn't want it any more.
That said, I certainly haven't seen any evidence that he's interested in coming home. Beyond that brief text conversation a couple days ago, there's been almost no contact whatsoever for weeks, and what precious little there has been is mundane admin-quality stuff.
There's nothing more healing that physical work outside in nature. So glad you have this treasure. My own health makes me lean towards a managed living space, with no responsibility for outside maintenance (I lived in the South for 15 years and never adjusted to the climate) except some big flower pots, but 10 years ago, I would have loved what you describe. But it can also be difficult not being able to share the joy of it with someone.
I was a single mom to my son, and one of the hardest things was to not be able to share the joy and pride with someone equally invested.
Oh, I think telling H that you didn't want to talk to him when you were at the house there was brilliant from a DB angle, although I get that it was probably more about emotional survival from your side. Still a great decision.
Yeah, it was definitely an emotional survival strategy. As it was I fell apart during my drive home. Sigh.
There is no way that I will see him again anywhere but in my own home, and he knows where I live.
You are so right about sharing, Painter - it's almost like if I don't have someone to share my joys with, then the joy isn't as real. Accomplishments on my farm feel diminished because I don't have that equally invested person to acknowledge our progress. Instead of telling H, now I write it here. It's something, but it's not the same.
Ooh. The part about the chipmunk surgery got me! I knew you were something else!
I used to journal before I met xh. Now, I journal here. You're right. It is easier to type than write, even if it's 1 finger typing on my handphone.
Yes, it is hard not to have someoNe to share our accomplishments with. But you can share them here and we'll root for you.
Phoebe, what a blessing to have your parents nearby and that you were able to enjoy a good meal with them. Such a blessing and a therapeutic event.
The nutrition will do you good.
I find trying to eat in those moments that I am feeling good, the chore is a bit more enjoyable.
Surgery on a chipmunks??
I am speechless. Where does one learn such a skill, and how often does one get the chance to perform this? I chuckle at the sight of this in my mind.
And yes TOOT that horn of yours loud and proud. That is the real you coming out and the world, and you deserve to hear and see you.
Have a peaceful day, enjoy the weather outside, share your prayers with God, and spend some time with good people if possible.
That feeling of our WAS coming back seems to be a common one. I have felt it many times, and have seen others that do as well. At first I would tell myself that I was crazy and get upset that I would feel that. Other times I would hold onto the feeling as it gave me comfort. But now it just stings and I try to force it out quickly as I can not stand the disappointment that it causes me. I am not sure if I hold onto the hope my WAW can or ever will come out of the fog. I don't know if it is a good thought or not, but maybe I am just getting calloused now with each passing day. The pendulum swinging from sad, to mad, to disappointment to hope, is becoming exhausting with each passing day.
I apologize, I did not mean to rant on your thread Phoebe.
Keep Dbing, because we know it is for us first. And that is what we control.
Hugs to start your day((((Phoebe))))
Well, just for the record, I'm a vet, even if I haven't done paid work in a while. Surgery is nothing new. The fun thing was that it was a chipmunk. It was nothing major, just a tail amputation after a devolving injury. Poor thing, but MissShort Tail is back in the wild now. Let's just say, however, that my shaking all the time makes my working with the public kind of impossible.
Slept poorly again, so I got up, took my anxiety meds and went back to bed and dozed for a few hours. Shaking like mad again right now. Probably ought to eat, but today is the first day I wish I could just stay in bed and hide all day long. Luckily, I can't. I've got my critters to care for. Still, it is 11 am and I'm still here hiding under the covers.
Must. Motivate.
I hate it that each time I've been exposed to H, even just seeing what he did in our house on this last trip without actually seeing him, I go into a tail spin.
Oh, that was my first chipmunk. : )
It's a rainy-misty type of day today, so I've decided to work indoors. Laundry, cleaning, and the like, but I think maybe some sewing, too. I enjoy it, so that's a bit of self-care, and I have a bunch of projects that are mid-stream. It would be nice to get some of them finished up.
I hope that everyone enjoys their weekend. Have some fun, and take good care of yourselves.
Good on you for getting up and doing something. Think we all have those days we would love to stay in bed and do nothing. The hard part is getting up so good on you!
Sorry about the shakes, I'm with you. Eating is a chore. You sound like me, some people comfort eat- I go the opposite way. But you must try, think of it as putting gas in a car. No gas, it's not going to move anywhere. Our fuel is food- and we must keep on moving
I did eat, Cherry - 3 fresh eggs from my chicks and some toast. It's about what I can manage. Those birds have given me most of my nutritions these last few months. I can't believe it's been almost 5 months now. Limbo is the worst.
My weight has been holding steady for a few weeks other than a 2 pound drop after the last face-to-face with H. I might have managed to put that back on, but I'm not sure.
So, I'm up, (semi) motivated, animals are cared for, I'm showered and dressed (in well-fitting jeans), back in my own place, and I have some tasks done already.
Feeling kind of sad and lonely, but what else is new. Still NC with H since the texts.
What a dreary day. Anxious again. Sad. Lonely. Tired of everything that's been happening and wishing I could wake up one year from today and have this limbo over with, whichever way things shake out.
I'm really looking forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow. I always like him, but after seeing the house and 2 Ls last week, I've done the 2 steps backward thing in a big way. What's frustrating is that I was feeling so much better before all of that.
Today I have little to no feeling of optimism about my marriage. I've been thinking about the past and worrying about the future. Yes... I know none of that does me any good whatsoever. I need to take care of myself today. I'm going to try to focus on the next 24 hours. Actually I'm going to narrow that down to the next hour. That I can do.
SMILE Phoebe.
Even if you do not feel like it. Get a pencil and put it in your mouth if you have to to get a smile on your face. Google pencil smile if you are not sure what I mean.
And then hold it there for several moments. You will feel a bit better. And if not, go look in the mirror while it is in your mouth and you will chuckle.
Take a selfie with it in your mouth and send it to someone. It will make you laugh.
Do it now, you need to break the blues and dreariness for a few minutes.
Watch a funny show or watch a funny YouTube video.
Check out electroboom and the electric guitar or one you may enjoy called neature walk. These will make you laugh.
Laughter is the medicine that you need right now.
Please let me know how it works for you and I will share with you what d17 and I do for our gut splitting laughing medicine this afternoon.
Sandi2 recommended it on the gratitude thread, and I liked the idea.
SadHub I did the pencil smile thing and felt so silly while I was driving, that I started laughing. Then I watched the first Neature video. Also made me laugh, and interesting because I recognized the area where it's filmed, which was fun.
Now I'm taken by myself to another movie.
Wow. Typos.
The Finest Hours is an excellent movie. A bit of a love story, but really good.
Phoebe, glad to know that your day is getting better.
I got kid back and will be taking her to a movie.
Cherry is having a little issue. Perhaps you could offer her some advice too?
i just stopped to check in on Cherry. Thanks for the heads up Grl.
Hi Phoebe,
I caught up with most of your thread. You seem like such a sincere, appreciative, and hard working person, and I am so sorry you are going through this.
Something that helped me put things into perspective early in my situation was that I would never ever want to be husband. I would never want to be the one to just neglect kid and walk away the way that he did. I would be ashamed. ( he is now in such a bizarre state of denial) I do not want to be him. I would not want the roles switched. I know that although I was emotional, I was also loyal and committed and willing to try.
Eventually your husband is going to be hit hard with what he did. He will hit rock bottom. in the mean time it sounds like despite the sadness, you are doing beautifully by really appreciating the things you do have. Don't forget all the great things about you! Keep posting about them! Not for nothing, but you already sound like a person only a fool would leave.
Neat!!
That is great to hear. I am so glad and impressed that you actually did the pencil smile. It is a good one and works every time.
Smiling really is a good way to chase the blues away. Even when we don't feel like it.
D17 had a little breakdown tonight, but we worked through it.
We are watching some funny vids and she is giggling so all is good in the world tonight.
Have a great evening Phoebe. Keep smiling and tomorrow will be a better day.
Thanks for the kind words, JujuB.
I really do appreciate what I have and I truly love my land and my family and my friends and my pets. Sometimes, though, all I feel is what I have lost. I keep hoping H will wake up and see what HE has lost, but right now all he seems to appreciate are the glittery new things in his life - new city, new apartment, new parties, new hobby, new and younger OW, new clothes, new friends, new social media existence with his own new little followers, new, new, new...
I'm just staid and steady old me, not glittery or new at all. After all this time, I'm old news.
I wish he would hit bottom, but he's too high right now. I would also be utterly ashamed of myself if I behaved like my H. He is a walking cliche of a MLC/WH, lying to every person in his life, and there is nothing to admire about that. Yuck.
Sometimes I think about our past issues and wonder if they were just a dress rehearsal for what he eventually did. How did I miss the signs of the real storm brewing and what could I have done differently? Again, it's not helpful right now, but these thoughts go through my head when I let down my guard. These are issues I'll be exploring with my grief counselor, though. The idea of "more, better, different" can keep us stuck in our grief.
SadHub, of course I tried the pencil smile!!!! I'll try anything right now if it might help. Besides, it a lot cheaper and easier than adding another doctor or therapist!
Smiling again just thinking how silly I felt. I've got to go watch more of the videos you suggested.
Speaking of cheap therapy, I only did my mindfulness meditation once today, and I honestly can't remember if I did it yesterday. Oops. I am beyond scattered these days. I forget what I'm doing all day long. If I don't write it doen, then it may or may not have happened.
Bet you've got me on the run again in our little challenge.
I'm glad your D17 is feeling better and laughing again, and I hope you are, too. It's really the best medicine.
Phoebe, I had a difficult time with meditation, and didn't love talk therapy but have just started hypnotherapy to help me with some obsessive thoughts about husband and it seems to help.
It's so hard not to focus on what spouse is doing and why they are wrong and selfish and inconsiderate. but it won't change anything. They are who they are, and we are who we are. And as you know that's where the attention has to be. I had/ have a really hard time letting go of my anger for the choices my husband made. But he is his own person and has the freedom to make those choices. I have the choice to obsess over him and be miserable, or accept that my life can be happy without him.
Just because he is the one that left, doesn't mean I was happy with our marriage either. my life is actually easier now. It took a week for my son to even realize that his dad wasn't living with us.
Of course we could have done differently. hindsight is always 20/20. We did the best we could at the time working with the skills we had. Now of course we are learning new skills to cope and Learning how to recognize our contributions to the marital demise. That says a lot. Although admittedly sad that motivating factor was spouse leaving.
This is such a long process. But you will get through it. Time really will heal.
Aw just seen on here that you ladies suggested checking up on me. This is such a lovely community, you can sense the genuine care and I love this.
I'm going to look up the pencil smile, seems like a neat trick.
I like ju's advise above. This is a long process. And sometimes it just seems so unfair that we have to go through all this struggle to heal. But you know whenever I think that, I look at my insane h and think- there is no way you are happy amongst this chaos. I can see looking at him that he is all over the place. And at times I actually pity him because that must be an awful place to live. But essentially, we are our own people. If they choose to fight through the fog and sort their issues- that is up to them. But we can certainly refuse to join them in their chaos and help ourselves. Whatever it takes to make us feel better and heal- we must. Because our lives will go on regardless
You might also want to try the half secret smile exercise too.
V
Just dropping by to check in on you Phoebe.
I hope you are having a nice Monday and still practicing the smiles.
We are all practicing the smile along with you. Hope you are having a lovely day today phoebe
Well, I saw my therapist today, and it was good, but he was forcing me to think more than usual!
We talked about how likely it is that I will have trust issues in any relationships I form in the future. We also talked about my realization that I fear being alone for the rest of my life. It's not a given that will happen, obviously, but it's not guaranteed not to happen, either! There are no guarantees in this life.
He asked me what I might look for in a future relationship, and I immediately said that I want someone who actually values me for those things that I think of as my strengths (the kinds of things I listed a few days ago when I felt like I should learn to toot my horn a little more), rather than seeing them as flaws or feeling intimidated by them or me.
The bottom line is I need a person who values himself enough to not feel like he's competing with me for his identity. I don't ever want to hear someone tell me that they feel inferior to me again. It's awful to know that someone you love feels that way.
Anyway, other than that, it's been a pretty slow day around here. I got plenty of sleep, for once (thank you Benadryl), and the shaking is reasonable today. I did my mindfulness exercise once already and I need to work on my grief counseling homework. I already did the reading, but now I need to do some thinking about it and write down my thoughts.
I hope everyone has a good evening and remember: pencil smiles!!!
Oh - I looked up the secret half-smile, Vanilla. Interesting. I tried it today during my mindfulness practice and kept thinking "Mona Lisa."
SadHub, just thinking the words "pencil smiles" now makes me smile and chuckle. Thank you for that.
Hi Phoebe,
Sounds to have been a productive day with some healing and sound self reflection. It is good to hear the shaking is down a bit.
You deserve to have someone love you without feeling intimidated. As you continue your journey, keep the faith and hope alive that you will have that. I believe that you will be in a better place as you continue forward. Faith and hope will keep you moving in the right direction and as you do the work opportunity will present itself.
You may not know what that looks like now, but when it presents itself you will know. You are right, there are no guarantees , but "acting as if" will certainly give a better chance. And that hope is what can keep us going everyday.
Pencil smiles. I love that that makes you smile at just the thought.
Good morning Phoebe!
A drive by hug and a pencil smile for you to start your day off on a good note.
(((Phoebe)))
Happy Tuesday!!
Well, the day's going OK, but I had another night of laying awake for hours, even with Benadryl on board. eventually, I got up and took more!
I read on someone else's thread how she had outed the OW to various people and that the OW had moved away. I wish my H's OW would do the same. So, last night I was stewing on what I would write to OW if I were to ever do such a stupid thing, which I do NOT intend to do, mind you. Still, the imaginary project kept me up all night and then I woke up to it as well. What a frustrating waste of mental energy.
I am not doing so well on my GAL strategies lately. I wanted to stay in bed all day again this morning, but needing to care for the critters got me up and moving. I also spent time with my Mom working on a quilt project, so that was good. The shaking was pretty bad, and it was really quite amusing to try to cut fabric that way. When it's like that I feel like I don't even own my own body any more. What else can I do but laugh, right?
Has anyone here joined their local BAN (Beyond Affairs Network)? I did and the first get together is coming up soon. I hope that it won't be a nasty griping, angry kind of meeting. I'm not even sure why I'm going, except that I really need to meet more people and it's something to do. I have no idea what to expect.
Thanks for the drive by, and pencil smile reminder, SadHub! It got me smiling already.
Hello guys!
I hope you have a good day! Phoebe, I wish I could visit your property and animals--it sounds amazing! So bask in that glory whenever you can.
So I have never been a violent person, but I used to fantasize about attacking OW, dragging her to the ground by her hair, and then kicking her in the face. I imagined her glasses would do further damage. Then I would shave her head, because her hair is her ONLY attractive feature. Does that make me crazy? Probably, but oh well. I felt temporarily insane. She did get a few nasty texts, but that was all, so in my mind she got off easy.
Over a year later, I realize now that she is the crazy one! Actions speak louder than words. She ruined her marriage, her family, lost her friends, her self-respect (if she had any), and now has just moved on to her next AP. I had the pleasure of walking by her last weekend and I didn't feel that rage anymore. I actually pitied her for a moment. What a miserable existence! Life will always sort these things out over time, won't they?
So, let your mind go where it needs to go, feel what you need to feel, and then come on back to earth. We welcome your kind here.
-Blu
Bluwave,
If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I want you on my team.
Thank you, Blu!
Sometimes I pity OW, too, because she has no idea how much H has lied to her. I've never thought of harming her, physically, though. He told her we were separated when they met. Not. We were very much still together at that point.
And even now I don't define "being separated" as the situation that results from abandoning your wife of >20 years by literally running away from home. I'm not sure what I'd call that, but I certainly wouldn't call it "ethically free to sleep with other people," particularly after he assured me there would not be any relationships with other people while we were working through our issues.
Yup. My H is an incredible liar and I honestly had no idea. Shame on me.
Hi Phoebe, I can recall chopping carrots and fantasising they were OW's fingers. Actually, my feelings towards her feel much less intense now - even though she is still with H (far as I know.) In my sitch, there's a lot of distance and that helps. I would hate to have to actually see H/Her/them though.
I would say absolutely go to the Beyond Affairs Network. Soon after BD, I went to an infidelity support group, which was helpful. More recently I also went to a divorce care group, which was great and I keep in touch with the guys from that.
Sounds like you are moving steadily forward and that's the main thing. I can remember having the shakes for a while, and I can't remember them leaving me, but they obviously did at some point. Best to accept them for now and also accept they are a temporary thing.
Take care my friend xx
Hi Sotto! Thanks for checking in on me. I laughed at your carrot story.
The next DivorceCare group that's within a reasonable radius doesn't start until June, but I'm planning on going. I definitely need to get out and about a whole lot more. I'm kind of looking forward to the BAN meeting, if for no other reason than to have something to fill the evening! Hopefully it will be worthwhile, but it only meets once per month. I wish I could find something more frequent.
The shaking is getting really old. It's been every single day since late December, some days better, some days worse. Today is kind of worse. Probably all that useless fantasy letter writing from last night.
Take care of yourself, too, Sotto. I'm glad that you've got the distance you need from your H, and that you're in the post-shaking phase of your journey.
I spend more time than I should thinking of ways to out them. And way more time than should be acceptable thinking of ways to hurt ow. Just today at work I considered putting the heel of her louboutin through her head, but then why damage a good show. Slamming her head in a car door, shaving her hair off, and even just plain hoping she gets her next period in a tank of sharks.....
Not shame on you, you trusted your husband. The person you made vows to trust. Not shame on any of us here. We are the ones with morals, not these waste of space spouses. Who quite frankly if they cheat on us with them, they'll only go on and do to them with someone else and so on
I know we all tend to focus and fantasize about the AP, but remember if it wasn't that one our S was with it would be another. Our S is the most to blame from us. My WW is with a single OM. To him it's a prize I'm sure, and she probably told home all the same things she told the EA two years ago, and of course it wasn't all true, a lot of fantasy, and a lot of dogging me to get them comfortable with being in the inappropriate relationship.
Last night was the first night I got stuck on the OW. I know that 100% of the blame for his getting in an affair rests with my H. He is the one that made the choice to violate his marriage vows. AP is just an available bystander.
My fixation last night was only with telling her about his lies, not being angry with her. No interest in hurting her, either. Now H, yeah, I've had moments I wanted to punch him. Can't really deny that one...
I would also like to play OW some recordings of H... But she'll just find a way to excuse it, I'm sure.
I did text her at one time and told her she would be named in the divorce papers unless she left my H alone. She tried to claim that I threatened her and to stop stalking her. I told her it wasn't a threat, just a simple alert to the consequence of her actions as H and I live in an at-fault state. You could say free legal advice.
And that she wouldn't have to worry about anything as long as she left H alone.
She said some other weird stuff, too... sounded exactly like H's borderline ex-W. The MC thought it was very, very strange stuff.
Bluwave,
If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I want you on my team.
I literally just laughed out loud when I read this :-)))
I spend more time than I should thinking of ways to out them. And way more time than should be acceptable thinking of ways to hurt ow. Just today at work I considered putting the heel of her louboutin through her head, but then why damage a good show. Slamming her head in a car door, shaving her hair off, and even just plain hoping she gets her next period in a tank of sharks.....
Not shame on you, you trusted your husband. The person you made vows to trust. Not shame on any of us here. We are the ones with morals, not these waste of space spouses. Who quite frankly if they cheat on us with them, they'll only go on and do to them with someone else and so on
Oh, Cherry! I love your honesty.
I cannot imagine having to work with H and with OW!!! Oh, that is just too awful! You must have some incredible self control!
Hugs!!!!!!!
-Blu
And no, she's not worth ruining shoes over, even crappy ones. She's not even worth separating pond scum over.
Last night was the first night I got stuck on the OW. I know that 100% of the blame for his getting in an affair rests with my H. He is the one that made the choice to violate his marriage vows. AP is just an available bystander.
My fixation last night was only with telling her about his lies, not being angry with her. No interest in hurting her, either. Now H, yeah, I've had moments I wanted to punch him. Can't really deny that one...
Have you met other woman? I think that anger/betraya/intensityl towards AP is more common when you know the person. Cherry has to see her at work. Ugh. In my case. I thought she was one of my closest friends ....
No, thank goodness. I've never met or seen the AP, beyond photos.
The affair truly is only part of my H's puzzle. The lies for years before the affair, the secret life, the drugs, the disappearance, the encouragement of false hope for months after walk-away - those things were more than enough to get me to the point of falling apart at the seams.
I can't imagine if I actually knew or was friends with the OW. That's horrible. You ladies have had to deal with a lot.
I only found the AP's info due to H's/their hubris about putting stuff out on the Internet. I searched his full name and her first name, and, hey bingo, there they both were, liking each other's stuff online, signing up for things together, etc. It's not hard to find lots of stuff if they don't try to hide it. Either he thinks he's really smart and I'm stupid, or he wanted me to find it. Either way, I did. I haven't tipped any of my hand. it changes nothing anyway.
It would have been better if I hadn't found her, and I haven't gone looking since, but there's yet another bell I can't unring. I can't forget that I know her name and how to contact her. Instead, I have to resist the urge to do anything about it.
Oh, and when it comes to the zombie apocalypse, I'd like BOTH Cherry and BluWave on my team!!! LOL. Maybe it'll be all of us LBSs against the wayward zombies?
Anyhow, just a bit of journaling...
Not much to report for the day, beyond not doing much in terms of GAL activities. Totally struggling in that department again. I did talk to a friend for an hour, I had some fun with my flock of chickens, I transplanted a few dozen tomato plants with my Mom and then watched a movie with her this evening. That meant most of the day was by myself, and I felt like I was just passing the hours. It's a far cry from how good I was feeling in the week or so before my trip to the other house. Riding that lovely roller coaster down and hoping for some sleep.
My best to everyone, and sending special strength out to SadHub. He is my pencil smile hero and right now he deserves some much-needed peace and quiet.
I know it happens, but I can't imagine knowing or having to work with OW! I would not have the self-control to not confront or out.
Phoebe, what goes on in the area you live in? Can you volunteer somewhere (I'm thinking any animal shelter will love to have you!)? Are there any meetup groups? Garden societies?
Hey Painter. I'm sure there are plenty of things that I could be doing. I just have to get out and DO them. Tonight is my first BAN meeting, so that's something. I still have a lot of trepidation about it, because I have no idea what to expect.
I'm really disappointed about the DivorceCare availability locally. Yesterday morning I searched the website for a group nearby (I've been looking every few days), and a new group within 50 miles finally showed up. It was supposed to start on 6/26, and I got all excited! Yeah - a new social thing I could do that was geared toward others like me. I didn't note which church it was at, only the city, because, who'd think I needed that info right away when it starts in June? Well..... I reloaded the page to see if there were any more options, and the 6/26 series was GONE!!! Huh? Now the next one that's starting isn't until September, in a different city and church. well, bummer.
A couple nights ago I signed up as a volunteer for Habitat for Humanity because that kind of work is right up my alley. I was getting excited to put some of my skills to work for a good cause, but there are no builds scheduled in the area in the next few months. All registered, and nowhere to swing a hammer. I have plenty of such things I could be doing on my own place, but that's not exactly the social experience I was looking for.
So, still working on the GAL thing. Hands shaking like mad this morning, reminding me how ridiculous I would be trying to wield surgical instruments or syringes. Fine motor skills are an issue, even writing. Grrrr. I had hoped the beta-blockers would help, but the one day I seemed better after increasing the dose must have been a coincidence.
I was feeling a bit sad again this morning, but I just let myself feel it and it passed in about half an hour. That technique is definitely helping me. I still need to work on my grief homework, as I see my counselor on Friday. The only one I hurt if I slack off is myself.