I have been to counselling and read and am reading every self help book, I have two jobs and trying my best to keep it together. Wife does not wear her ring and , I was embarrassed the other night that my son heard me crying on the couch and I sent him back to bed. I barely made it to work today, and constantly wonder what my wife is thinking or doing. She also sends me mixed messages sometimes when she is feeling up. And then its back to the same, mind my business, she is not a "teenager" and to give her space. She said she wants a divorce, and will be moving out in a few months, but wants to still have the family vacation we take every year.It feels like it is a roller coaster. I am giving her space in the house, but still find it odd, and need to stop the pursuit, especially when she starts to be nice and cold the next.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
This is the worst roller coaster ride ever. Sorry to see that you're on it. But what can we do? Try to make the ride as smooth as possible!
Have you found any of the self-help books helping you? Which ones?
Has your wife filed for a divorce? Or simply said she wants one? Is there a plan in place for what happens with the kids when she moves out?
You definitely need to stop focusing on her and focus on yourself. What are you doing for yourself (besides reading)? Are you involved with any activities?
The best advice I've been given on here is, do something different. Thanks to the folks on this thread I've taken up running/walking. I get to get out, put my headphones on, rock out and not worry about all the crap.
Also, like Cadet says, she gave you the gift of time. Who knows, a pause may be good. Just treat this like a break for you to work on you to be the best you that you can be.
We're all here for you and wishing you the best.
You are not along. Keep posting and you will get the support you need.
Tell us more about your sitch.
What the ages of you and wife? It helps to have more information about the history of the MR.
Does your W hold down a FT job? Why are you working two jobs?
If she leaves your home & marriage, and tears apart the family.........why does she think she should still be included in the family vacation? That is pretty big cake eating!
I just bought the Divorce Busting book. No in January this year she said she was going to get papers, now she said she is moving out in October. The plan she said is when I am working my second job, which is two or three times a week at night, she will come to my place and watch the kids. I didn't think that far,truthfully I have been trying to not think about. I just started to , this week, visit friends, but I would like to join the gym again, I go to work and home, and sometimes work home and then my part time job.
Thank you, I really appreciate this, and have take heed to the no expectations, could have used this this morning.
Hello ChampJ,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You nailed it when you said this feels like a roller coaster. I agree with Sandi regarding cake eating and the family vacation.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I am 37, she is 34, been married for 10 years . She works FT job , but just this month she did not include her salary our account. I work the part time job two or three times a week, 15 hours total on top of my full time job. I initially got the part time job when we had our second child to pay for extra bills; but now we have been using it to pay for extras and vacations. I also use the money, because I pay all the bills.
The family vacation we take every summer for two weeks, I have reserved the hotels, and when she said she wants to move out, she said I can cancel if I want, but she likes to see the children happy on this annual trip. And I couldn't dream of cancelling the trip, cause I want us all to be together,and saving up all year. I jump at things, specially, on a Saturday when sometimes she asks to have lunch as a family, then I get over excited.
I have really been trying to sort myself out, part of the history is that I have worked alot, and got complacent. She was home taking great care of our children, while I was working.And the amount she used to do, packing school lunches, putting children to bed, she did this and being organized , so she has been doing the two jobs as well. When I started to do these things, she said ..to little to late, you should have been doing these things years ago.
Your story sounds very similar to mine.
The best advice I can give it what everyone says, dive back into yourself. Start working out hard, play hard, detach, and GAL.
The biggest key is, when she is starting to be nice, you almost need to take another step back, and know that it might not seem like the things to do, but it really is.
I had something similar happen to me. Every year we do one or two tropical vacations at nice hotels. This time, it happened that the trip was four days after BD. I persuaded my WW to continue with the trip for the sake of S11, but we were miserable. She wouldn't show any affection toward me, was as cold as a fish, and never smiled the whole time there. I was the cheerleader trying to everyone to have fun. S11 did enjoy the trip but I'm sure he felt the tension as well. My hope that she will relax and think about reconciling was absolutely impossible.
I also considered when I discovered her EA to keep quiet about it until after the trip. But I think I would have literally gone crazy.
Point is, be prepared emotionally for what will happen on the vacation.
I say cancel the vacation as your first step of detachment.
DB is a long endgame. Be aware that there is zero chance of turning this around on a Vacation. Just my humble opinion though.
I say cancel the vacation as your first step of detachment.
DB is a long endgame. Be aware that there is zero chance of turning this around on a Vacation. Just my humble opinion though.
This is good advice. I should have clarified in my post, cancel it.
You're not going to have fun anyway, last thing you want on a vacation is stressing about your marriage.
We have a trip to Europe planned for the summer.
The kids and I are definitely going. If H decides to stay in the marriage, he will come too. Otherwise, we will tell the kids about the issue a week before we leave, and he will stay behind.
Tickets were purchased before BD, so H's ticket is a sunk cost.
The only exception I can see is if H and I develop the ability to go several weeks without an R talk. In that case, he might come even while he is still undecided. (We are still sleeping in the same room at home.)
Rose888,
Maybe you can trade in the H ticket for upgrades for the rest of the family.
I would cancel that trip too or at a bear minimum, exclude her from it. You've got to detach and show her that you are moving on with your life without her if she chooses to continue down this path. This will not be easy. It may well be the hardest thing you've ever done. But you've got to prove to yourself that you are fine without her. When you are able to do that, she will start to see what she will be missing. You need to emotionally dump her and focus on yourself and your kids. If she wants to run, let her. You have no control over her so just let her be. Detach, 180, GAL and be the most amazing dad your kids have ever know.
The thing about the vacation: you don't have to cancel it. However, you have to try very very very hard not to make it at all about fixing your relationship, or even making her happy, or. Enjoy the vacation. Let her enjoy her part of it. Interact with her if she initiates, but DO NOT talk about your relationship.
1gr8dad is right: you aren't going to turn it around on vacation. But you *can* db on vacation. But don't let her see the books or the website. And do not worry about what she's thinking or doing. If she initiates, listen and empathize and agree (as long as it's within your boundaries). Don't try to fix. Don't try to give advice. Don't complain, don't say you love her, don't do anything but listen, empathize, and find *something* within your boundaries to agree with.
R talk will only happen if you let it. You can simply say "I don't want to talk about that right now. Let's just enjoy our vacation," and walk away if you have to.
I have really been trying to sort myself out, part of the history is that I have worked alot, and got complacent. She was home taking great care of our children, while I was working.And the amount she used to do, packing school lunches, putting children to bed, she did this and being organized , so she has been doing the two jobs as well. When I started to do these things, she said ..to little to late, you should have been doing these things years ago.
Do the things you know you are/were supposed to be doing that don't directly involve her. In the meantime for her, DB. Right now, DB'ing her means living as if. It means doing 180s (do the things that are the opposite of what she has come to expect from you - she's going to test). It means detaching. It means GAL - go out, have fun, enjoy your life. Let her see that she isn't the only one who gets to have a life right now. Be faithful to the relationship you want to have, but be faithful to yourself, as well. It also means not working on the R at all. Not talking about it, not even bringing it up. If she wants to, listen. If not, it's not something to talk about, period.
If there's anything I could take back in my situation, it would be to simply shut up, get happy, and be a great dad for a few weeks when my wife first indicated she knew she needed to shut down her EA. Had I done that, I feel she'd have allowed herself to ease away from it.
Do what most of us don't do right now: back waaaaaayyy off her. Detach, but lovingly so. You are going to want to be angry, vindictive, vengeful, and spiteful. Do not. That's the person she wants to leave. That's the person she's using to justify leaving right now. Don't give her justification, but also don't lose respect.
It's tough. There are no guarantees. But have a strong heart, and I hope for the best for you.
I went and hung out with some friends the other night; I didn't go to any bars,but when I got home my asked me if had a good time. The next morning she asked for us all to go and have lunch and has been acting very kind. So I will take your advice still gal, cause tonight she has gone out and usually I ask, and even stay awake,wondering. But now physically I have to start to work out and take a breather.
Good job champJ. Keep up the good DBing untill she puts the ring back on at least.
Had a great weekend;but now my wife has gone back from being kind and upbeat on weekend, to cold and distant. I think I pursued a bit by buying a pair of sunglasses, cause she saw them in the shop. I came home wrote her note and she said thanks. I have to read the post about not pursuing again.
champJ,
My wife does the same thing; I haven't figured-out the rhythm yet. She was upbeat Sunday and Monday and this morning she was cold and distant.
I'm trying to correlate those feelings with something. Is she excited about her pending move out of our house or is she feeling better about the marriage? My guess is that there is no correlation; it is what it is.
When I came home from hanging out Friday night she was in a good mood; and asked me how was my night.Saturday when we went shopping she was in a good mood;and when she said she was going out in the evening, i said no problem have a good time. Before she left to go out in the evening she asked me to turn on the dishwasher, I forgot. I went to work for 6 am (left around 5am), and when I got home she was annoyed, and apologized and felt like I was being told off like my s.The next day she was okay, but still distant,and today she told me off, blamed me and d for making her late to work by five mins( my vehicle is with the mechanic). I apologized, this evening before going to my pt time job , was snapped at for asking something, she was on the phone. And I apologized,again, and really feel like a little child.The great thing about this was my reaction,usually i plead and say "you are being disrespectful" and it gets into a competition, of past disrespectful comments. I felt I kept cool, i have decided that my health (mental) physical need looking after, I have hypertension that needs to be sorted, , so I have to be strong even though I feel like picking up the phone and saying her , "why have you been talking so disrespectful to me today, but i didn't..
Today I really felt like giving up, hard to stay focused and have a PMA. I pursued today and now mothers day is coming up and I am stressing about gifts and; I sat in my car for half and hour before putting on a fake smile to go to work. My wife berated me again for making her late and being a terrible husband. She then apologized for shouting at me this morning, I said I dont mind the shouting its the disrespect;she called me at my pt job to tell me the kids were stressing her out and my life is easy because I go to work. She reminded me again that she has to make it through the next few months and its done,and she says shes moving out after the vacation. I need to detach, how could i read the sins the other day of her being so nice and today its back to square one.
champ,
your title says it all 'feels like i'm on a rollercoaster' because fact is, you are. we all are. it's one crazy rollercoaster that has no rhyme or reason and no matter how hard we try to find a pattern, it does something completely unexpected. point is, don't try to understand why one day she's happy, the next she's yelling, the next she's apologizing. don't try to make any sense of it, because truth be told, she probably doesn't understand it either.
but, i completely understand your pain. it's so hard to look at your W, see your W, but it's not your W. it's some other bitter, hateful woman wearing the cloak of your W. this is the woman you stood in front of and vowed your life too on the happiest day of your life. now, she's ripping your heart out.
don't give up though. we're all riding this rollercoaster together.
champJ,
You will be on a rollercoaster ride. My W has said the same things to me abut life, easy for us to go to work while she is stressed watching the kids. Your S will rewrite history.
You are doing well. Take small steps and then take stock in W's reactions. This will help you get a sense of what works to have a positive R.
My second week of trying gal, I went out on Friday night,now my wife is out tonight;spent the night with my kids watching cartoons. Any advice on how to detach when you are living in the same house?
My second week of trying gal, I went out on Friday night,now my wife is out tonight;spent the night with my kids watching cartoons. Any advice on how to detach when you are living in the same house?
Also feeling less fearful
"You were born with only two fears, the fear of falling and the fear of noise. All your other fears were acquired. Get rid of them
champJ:
I wanted to let you know that I have been keeping my word and praying for you. As you know there are no guarantees. I can tell you recently 3 "small" prayers were answered for me. I'm sure this is because of the army of people I have praying for my W and I.
I've scanned your posts and I truly identify with you. My W and I have been in house Sep since early Jan. I think this detachment idea is easier said then done. I can honestly say it has not really worked for me. But, I have also say I've not followed the rules to the letter.
I think the 1st step is to not let her reactions/words/etc bug you. Perhaps you can pray and ask God to help you find some peace. Also, follow the other steps too.
The one piece of advise I can give you that I know works is to do something different - anything. It has made a real difference for me. I was a real mess when I joined the boards - but now I'm confident and so much stronger.
Change anything - it can be hard but you never know where there may be a glimpse of happiness, change, insight, etc.
So if you usually watch cartoons at night with the gang - play a board game. If you order pizza on Fridays - make hot dogs.
If you usually wear jeans, put on dress pants. If you shop at Walmart - go to Target. If you eat cereal for breakfast - eat eggs. If you go to Starbucks at work - take a thermos of coffee.
Small little changes will:
Change your perspective
Open you up to new possibilities
Will make your W wonder what is going on and yes she won't say it but she will notice.
I personally started catching up on house projects. It made my W practically crazy. I could see her blood boil and yes she did react badly a little and push some of my buttons but it was worth it.
So sweep the stairs, declutter, volunteer at a local charity, invite a neighbor over for coffee, etc - get to the things you've always wanted to get to and you will be surprised what a difference it makes - once you get momentum.
End of sermon.
Thank you so much for this advice and prayer; I will take heed. The other night w said "what's got into you, you are in chipper",and said are you on drugs or a new girlfriend" jokingly. I said no I'm just being myself,and that was my small change for the day. I have made another small change this week and included exercise.
I had a great weekend, w noticed some changes and thanked me for a great weekend. I stayed positive, she even waited up for me to come home from work. I messed up this morning the "ask nothing rule". I was annoyed by s being on the phone today constantly
I asked her what she up too? She replied, why are you asking me that, that behaviour is controlling. And then continued on by saying , though she sees changes, this behaviour has been going on for years.
I noticed it, I see how as an adult this can be controlling---so I have to fight the urge to not ask.And I apologised, and mentally reminded myself (not be insecure).
Anyone still wear their ring, when your spouse doesn't,i have tried, but I keep putting it back on.
The changes she mentioned, she said --too little too late. I should have made changes years ago. Now this evening my positive attitude is a little broken.
I also wonder, when my wife says the person she was when I met her is faded. If this is the case the, who am I? I work so hard and am struggling to get up Mondays, least today me and son did some exercise as I tried not to think about my wife. My next step is acting as if, cause she seems more enlightened, some days she is so nice and when she wants affection I do not withold ;but I have not done the same.
ChampJ:
You are doing great it sounds. The minor setbacks really do feel like you are starting all over again. It is so hard to keep all the "rules" in your head and try and stay positive, detached, etc, etc, etc.
It seems that the issues of Control and Change (maturing, etc) are regular themes. It's so important that we not get sucked into the black hole. It's a no win. The regular advice here is not to have any relationship talk and not apologize. It's so hard.
Others here may have better advice. When being accused of being controlling or being told that she does not feel safe, I just say I'm going to make sure that changes in the future.
Today was a very dark day;I thought things were going sweet this weekend.Doing things together with the children, and discussing family vacation. Last night I asked her a question and she said I wish you would shut the **** up;and I did and walked away.I spoke to her this afternoon and said I do not appreciate that--- she apologised;but she said she does not love me, and has not loved me for a few years or in love with me. I tried to be strong ---even took my sn to play. I let her see my weakness and eyes watered---she said why am I so upset?
I am not being a better man that I should --all these changes,and 180s --and I she doesn't even care. And reminds that she wants this vacation;cause it would make the children happy. Should I keep wearing this ring? I don't know---, my pma is very low, I hate this not knowing this uncertainty,
ChampJ,
Sorry for your sitch and that you are down.
Detaching in same house?
This has been tough for me. I have been running/read/yard work to stay busy so not sitting around while H home. We are still in same bed and going through motions of watching some tv together. I will strike up general talk but taking step back for him to start more.
I will let H know what doing, no need to play games--he does the same.I pick and choose when to answer phone when H on way home. I go for a walk so not around to greet. It takes a lot for me to do this.
Wearing rings?..
My H took his ring off but will put on around his fam. It hurts but did not make me question keeping mine on. Don't let it pressure you to take yours off, but it is up to you what do. Wouldnt make a decision until thinking clearly.
Emotions..
Think dark days are expected. I got the "I don't love you" as well. Lately I have been in sad and angry mode. it is the worst. Do best not to react to W in any way. I have taken steps back bc of this. It seems you are really hard on yourself. Do best not to be consumed with what assume W is thinking/feeling and focus on what you are doing. I have felt defeated at times but remind myself what doing and the efforts are for a reason.
These guys know their stuff. Keep posting. We are here to support you.
It's been two months things have turned around a bit until last night. W has been friendly, no arguments, even went out for my birthday. Last night we argued and she said, " that's it that's why I just want to get through our family vacation" and then work on a divorce. I feel devasted again cause all this time I thought it was getting better,but I feel like I am failing.
I have a hard time listening,especially when my spouse is rude and disrespectful.. and I do try to get my point across and I know I should and listening and know not listening is my behavior #1 to do a 180 and w said that she can put her hand up on her heart to a judge to our children and say that I am responsible for the deterioration of the marriage and that is cause I have not listened and interrupt,and feels I have not changed with this. And she is right, I sometimes but in. And am learning to listen.
Should I just shut up??
Just trying to make it through this day, wife just left for work, pulling myself together,don't want son to see me upset, I have to go work but hard to focus. Everytime when things are good they are God but when she has had enough she pulls out the trump card and says that's it it done it's over, and I'm a grown man and I see a lot of trauma in my job,but those words make me keel over in my bathroom, man okay my rant is over, back to work, one good thing is that I am exercising daily, it balances out my stress.
I had a good weekend with us all doing things as a family. Wife was annoyed this morning, and said the same things, "I can't wait till this family trip is over,(we have not had it yet), then I can leave, and get my own bank account. I said why do you always revert to saying these hurtful things when you are irritated,she responded by saying she is not reverting, that's how she feels and she is only just getting along with me and not trying to work things out. I feel like I get false hope,but as she went to work, I am sitting here,and understand this is how she feels, and it doesn't have to make me feel good. I may not like it,but I'm just trying to understand, cause this is pretty painful, when you care for someone who says they don't feel the same for you.
My problem is that when I see that things look good from my perception, it's so easy for her to shut off her emotions.
I messaged my w this afternoon and said that I am going out on the weekend. I don't know what I'm going to do but i am trying to gal. W sent me a slew of texts after I sent that, trying to get a rise out of me, but I kept a good pma.
One of her comments was "do what you want, I don't care, just don't get in my business about what I do". And I could have played phone ping pong, but I did not.that last comment did irk me though.
I look back over the last two months and realize that along with the exercise, I should have been gal as well, so one day at a time, just have to finish work and at least make it to bedtime, but I had a great day.