Needed to start a new thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2668239#Post2668239Sure you all know the backstory by now. H had affair, I db'ed he came back. And then we find ourselves here again. With him completely ignoring me, not looking talking nothing.
So I'm on vacay in Paris. Little tough going but trying to relax and enjoy. Decided I would go dark on him for a few days, or at least not initiate any convos. Baby is with mil so I'm in constant contact and know he's ok. After being ignored when I was leaving. I got a text off h last night his time, early hours here apologising for ignoring me and that he hopes I have a great time.
I kept my response a little vague back, thanks. Means a lot. That kinda thing.
You took that goodbye way too personally. Yes it wasn't nice to be on the receiving end, but IMO this was not about you. Your H has his own issues and is obviously havingpproblems in his interactions.Try to look at it as him not being capable rather than him consciously directing his crap at you.
He now has apologised. I hope you can put it out of your mind and enjoy the beauty of Paris.
Best wishes
Cherry, maybe your h is also thinking about your trip to paris with him. And he may also be working out a lot of confusion on his part.
Good that you're still dbing and keeping positive. He needs to work out the kinks on his own.
Hi Cherry,
Just popping in to send some support and hugs.
((((Cherry))))
Enjoy your trip to the fullest as you deserve it and need it. I'll have to get some pointers from you about traveling to Paris as that is at the top of my D17 bucket list. I want to help her so that she can do it it in the near future.
Keep your chin up, a smile on your face and some pep in your step, and then you will only feel better and enjoy the time you have for yourself.
Cherry
WH behaviour was very poor indeed, accept the apology although it means nothing unless the behaviour changes.
Validate and move on.
Have so much fun and revitalisation
V
Cherry,
Agree with V here. Hope your having a good day today.
I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and wishing you a lovely vacation. Hope you're making some good memories in Paris and getting bit of a mental break from the M thing.
(((Cherry)))
Thanks all. I've been having the best time! I feel really refreshed. I haven't heard from h. Though I haven't contacted neither. Had a great time relaxing and shopping. And not that it matters too much, but had a lot of attention from the men which is a great ego boost.
Every now and again I get that horrible feeling and I miss him like crazy. And I feel like telling him how much I love and miss him. But then I remember that this is just how I am feeling. Doesn't mean that he wants to hear it
Detach
Fun is all around you, GAL like GAL is going out of fashion.
V
Cherry, glad to hear that you're having fun!
Yeah for you, Cherry!!! I'm so glad to see that you're doing well on your trip. You have inspired me to get out today!
It is exciting to hear that you are having a great time. That sounds exactly what GAL is all about. Keep on keeping on and make some great new memories that you will look back on and make you smile.
Phoebe I'm so glad I've inspired you to do that.
I've made lots of new memories with my bestest girlfriend. And I know that I'm going to be ok. I just hope this relaxed me comes home too!
Cherry,
It's so great to hear your having a good time. Enjoy it!
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. On my way home now. I have had the greatest time. I have made a lot of new memories and although at times I have been plagued by a little sadness, it did ease. I had my mini breakdown and balled like a baby. But after that I seized every opportunity to enjoy myself. I have shopped like no tomorrow. Met great people, had my ego boosted by a lot of men. But most importantly I've actually had fun and realised life does go on. I think I've accepted that the person I have married has long gone. It's like it was a different person. And the person he is right now- I don't want that. I want someone who appreciates me for me.
I feel quite relaxed and contented, I hope this feeling stays. I've even got my appetite back! Ive been dark from h, he hasn't contacted me, and I resisted contacting him.
Wow, Cherry, that is a lot of progress. You sound like you are in a much better place now. Those new memories and good feelings that you've had over the last few days will be a resource for you to tap back into when things are difficult.
I hope that the rest of your trip home is enjoyable and that you get some good sleep at home.
Go, Cherry, go!
Douse yourself in your Paris PMA. Intrigue your H with this new scent.
Well I'm home and he said nothing. No ask of how the trip was but you know I didn't expect it. So it doesn't bother me.
He hasn't spoken, but he had done all the house work I usually do so I didn't have too. And he has followed me in rooms even to sit watching Tv.
In feeling better and keep getting told I look "glowing"
Sounds like small positive steps. Did you affirm H for he has done?
Did you say that H's ll is acts of service? If so, he is showing you that he cares in his ll.
Those do sound like a couple baby steps by H, Cherry.
I love that you are "glowing." Good for you!
Hi Cherry,
I just wanted to stop by. I want to go back and read more of your sitch. I am glad you had a nice trip--you certainly deserve it!
I get the sense your H has been yo-yo-ing around for too long. I cannot even imagine how frustrating that must be. Grrrhhhh... And you have a little one. I hope he pulls his head out of his arse soon here. ... but if not, I have a feeling it is his HUGE loss! You seem like a smart, and sassy, catch!
keep on being fabulous!
-Blu
Yeah his Ll is acts of service, I thanked him for what he had done. He didn't say anything back but that's not the point really.
I do find myself way more relaxed, I no longer have anxiety before seeing him. I'm strutting that bit more :P
Thanks for stopping by all with your words of encouragement, I'll catch up on everything later, been so mad busy!
Hey blue wave, yeah he really has. It's been 18 months and it's so confusing. It's the not knowing which is hard- he gives a glimmer of hope saying he loves me, then months later, he doesn't again. And it's been difficult to try and get on amidst the confusion really
Glad to hear you had such a good time in Paris. I love that city, even if it's not my home town. You sound so strong and in a good place, I'm so proud of you. Keep up the good work :-)
Just a drive by hug and high five for you Cherry.
You are doing great and I love reading the confidence in your updates.
You are growing stronger each day and I draw strength from the example you are setting.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
May you have a wonderful day and have much joy as you accomplish what you set out to do today.
Thanks guys for the support and popping by. This morning before work h did some chores I would have had to do after work. I thanked him, he completely ignored me. I said bye. He ignored me. But I still breezed by, I was happy. He even walked in on me getting dressed whilst dancing to music.
It's hard at times, but I'm determined to stay in this mindset. I realise I'm a catch, and I have a lot to offer. It's up to him if he wants to join in this life with me. But my, would he be a fool if he decides not to.
And why yes I may be strutting in a new pair of louboutins
And why yes I may be strutting in a new pair of louboutins
You GO GIRL! Love it!!!
Awesome update! I need to get some of that attitude.
So tonight h is my ride home from work. He calls around to see if someone could take me home. Only he didn't actually tell me. So when I wait for the normal time, he asks if I'd called a cab. I said no I wasn't aware I should be, and he tells me to get in the car. Now I guess the positive is he insisted he dropped me off. The negative, I told him I'd get a cab as I was no inconvenience to anyone (stubborn pride and that).
He said nothing more. I don't get why he couldn't have just directly asked me, or told me he was going out as I could have made arrangements
Hi Cherry, well I would try not to worry about any of his stuff. I was so pleased to read that you had such a good break. It sounds like just what you needed. I hope you can remember the way you felt when you got back and bottle a little of that for whenever you need it. I love to read about you strutting your stuff in your new shoes!
Take care xx
That sounds very frustrating. Is there any way that you can take him totally out of your transportation equation? Do you have another car, or is there public transportation, or some another option?
Thank you sotto, it was really great- I'm so glad I did it as I feel i turned a corner and did a spot of realisation, and you like say I have those memories and photos and feelings to draw on when I need them.
Phoebe I can do, but as we finish at the same time 3/5 days and we're going to the same place it would be spending money irrelevantly. Thing is, granted he bothered to find other arrangements but if he had just contacted me, I could have sorted something.
Hmm. So tonight, h sits and watches a movie in bed with me. He turns to me and asks if I think he's an evil person. This is quite out of the blue, bare in mind he has said nothing to me for weeks apart from hello. I wasn't sure what to answer, I couldn't validate, I didn't ask why as one of his complaints is that I ask why to everything. So I told him, not evil no. I thought maybe he would want to continue with this. But he didn't, he watched some more of the movie and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I'm a tad confused. You think this is guilt talking?
Sounds like guilt to me. Problem is, I don't think guilt tends to get them to snap out of it. They just find ways to justify the guilt or talk themselves out of it. ... Has he ever had a real fear of losing you or his life with you? I don't necessarily mean dropping the rope, but has he ever been able to see/feel you letting go and moving on?
-Blu
I do believe he is potentially seeing this, my break last week and the way that I have come back full of life and invigorated. Travelling was a thing he was always facinated about when he met me, I've seen the world. And I think this is the first time he has missed an opportunity that he would have loved to have shared. Maybe I'm mind reading, but I'm sure this has had an affect. Im no longer looking pouty at all, no longer acting- I do feel more relaxed- I feel more confident and stronger, and I am for sure this is coming across
Cherry, that is great! I am glad you are still doing what you love, holding your head up high, and moving right along. I struggled with that A LOT while my H was in the fog. For him, he didn't come back around until he saw that I was moving on. And I was really starting to.
-blu
You are sounding strong! I think your H might be testing you, to see if your changes are permanent.
The xh used to tell me that he could see my changes but he didn't know if they were for real. I could see his point but I also knew that he was also looking for reasons to justify his A.
Anyways, I told him that the changes were for me. And they really are.
Yeah you're both right. It could have been a test, I'm staying strong though. I do think the changes are for real. I'm not going to point them out to him and say I've made changes, because they aren't really for him.. They are for me- I feel more like myself when I met him. And I KNOW I will be okay either way, I would love for him to come around, but I need him to change, and to want me, appreciate me and love me. Slightly more cheerful this morning, his good morning and goodbye where slightly more upbeat, he even looked me in the eye, for weeks he's had his head down. He even washed dishes before leaving. This is a new thing for him, I didn't think he knew how too
And why yes I may be strutting in a new pair of louboutins
Oh my!
Which ones, and what colour?!
Some black patent biancas.. I have a few pairs of pigalle's but the biancas felt a bit sassier
*love*
What a fabulous lady you are! And I'm loving your updates too
Very inspired x
Thanks focus.
I know it's material, but right now I'm loving anything that makes me feel good about myself. So why not show it and let my sass flow through my clothing.
Cherry, my girl, your shoes updates are bad news for my bank account and kid's college funds!
And my poor mumsy feet.
Yes, those shoes are well beyond my functional Dansko budget, but I love the attitude behind them!!!
Way to go, Cherry! And also those latest baby steps on your H's part sound like real things - looking you in the eye, washing dishes. Good things.
Yeah, it's greats that there are some baby steps, just trying not to build any expectations or hopes.
It appears that my regained swagger is drawing in many other men who are not my husband. A guy at work asked me to come "chill" at his house. I firmly made it clear I'm married. And I've had other men pass their numbers over, needless to say- I firmly said I'm married. And pulled out one of v's cut and keep "no" s (thanks v!!)
Whilst I am flattered, it's hard when you don't really feel married. These people don't know I'm having any troubles, I still wear my ring. And I'm not out flirting. Idk, maybe a married woman is the ultimate fantasy for some guys.
I'd sooner avoid these situations whilst in a vulnerable place
Well that is great I guess. Just remember that beauty comes from the inside, and through values and beliefs. If you are single in the future and you have worked out your own issues and figured what you want in a partner, sounds like you will have an easy time knowing if/when that special person comes along. Go through the journey, you can't skip steps. You are still very young.
I don't want to skip the steps in any sense. I agree, and I look for a person with a good heart and who is caring and loving. But this is why I'm fighting the good fight, admist his current problems, and reluctance to want to be in a r with me, I love my h. Which is why, although I'm vulnerable- I emphasise I'm married. Because I am still.
Good for you, Cherry. Sometimes it is hard for outsiders to see why we're still trying.
My therapist asked me today if I had thought about other relationships in the future. I answered, that no, I'm still involved with this one. As long as I hold out any hope for my M, then other relationships aren't on my radar at all. He told me that the reason he asked is that he is concerned that I will have trouble learning to trust people again. The reality is, that is going to be true, no matter who the new relationship is with, either my current H or someone else. I have a lot of healing to do.
Yes, Cherry, stay strong!
Your H seems to be taking small steps towardz you.
Hopefully your H can see from the other guys' attraction to you that he will be more than a blithering idiot if he were to leave you.
You're a gorgeous mummy (with gorgeous shoes and swagger) and it's not hard to see why the men would be attracted to you. Mindreading here but these men are probably attracted to the forbidden fruit, plus they may feel that you're safer as they know you won't leave your M.
I agree phoebe, I had trust issues before due to an abussive r, I feel I gave my last bit of trust to h- and he went and abused that trust. Not sure I can do that again.
Thanks jksd, last night he initiated sex, I resisted for a while. Then one thing led to another and we had sex. Needless to say, today he is back ignoring me. Oh and it's my bday, he forgot. Trying not to let this get to me, but must admit it does hurt.
I agree, it's like a challenge, something they can't have, so the phychology says they must
Happy birthday too. Probably going to get the WW a card for mothers day and a bunch of flowers for her birthday. Hope she enjoys the (lack of) recognition.
Happy Birthday Cherry.
May you have a fun day, feel peace and strut your stuff as you have so proudly done over the past week.
A big birthday hug for you.
(((Cherry)))
Thank you you lovely people. I'm trying my best but I can't get over the hurt. Maybe he thought he would give me sex as a present *rolls eyes*
Happy birthday, hot mama! ... I hope you can go out and pamper yourself today. Eat some cake. By some shoes.
Don't let him get you down. You deserve so much better! H is really eating the cake these days tho, isn't he? And on your birthday! Shame on him! ... I just have a sense that if he really thought he was losing you, he might get his cr-p together, and I mean really BELIEVED that Cherry was DONE, packing up her stilettos and swaggers for GOOD, and just moving on and out ... I just don't get the sense he has ever known what it feels like to lose you. ...
Let's not think about him today. You deserve to be the one eating cake!
Cheers!
-Blu
Happy Birthday Cherry! Enjoy your day!!!!
I think his escapades are a form of temp checking. I tried my best to ignore him, he just edged closer and closer. And yeah I did give in because to feel my h hold me is what I long for. Though I did the male thing and roled over after to go to sleep and he rolls up against me.
I think he is really pushing me today.. I don't quite know wether I should just be fine and happy when he gets home or let him know I'm pissed. Any advise??
Cherry, your H is so different than mine. My H was all out for a year, temp checked for 1-2 weeks, and now has been all in for a year. In some ways better than before because he has really worked on himself and made changes.
I cannot imagine being with him while he waffled and yo-yo'd--that must be so frustrating! ... I just can't help but think if he knew he was really losing you, and moving on, and getting NO BO-TY, NONE, and then had to stew in that fear for awhile, maybe just maybe he would do the 180. ... Have you ever dropped the rope? (and then left it on the floor for an extended period of time).
I hope you are enjoying your bday and not only thinking about him! Too bad you can't jump on another flight and disappear for a few...
-Blu
It is frustrating because you feel neither here nor there. Sort of, last year he told me he needed to make a decision between me and ow. And right there, I kinda lost it and layed down a heavy boundary that if he chooses her over me- that's it. I will not be a friend, I will be civil for the sake of our child, but that is it. He seemed to live in this idea I would remain living with him after D.
Once he saw that look in my eyes that that would be it, he went and finished with the ow. And he was all in for months, until he flickered out.
I'm trying to, but not going to lie- even my upbeat self can't be bothered today. I feel tired of it and fairly down. I feel like I should feel these emotions and ride them out rather than bottle them.
Ride them out, just make sure that he's not there. When you see him, make like nothings happened and you are going on like its just another day in the year. Painful, but sometimes you can't fight the pain.
Yeah ddj you're right, while he isn't here I shall ride it out. It's silly because it is another day in the year, and whilst I thought I had no expectations- I must of had a few. Maybe even that he actually knew when my birthday is
I forgot my WWs birthday once, it was 2 months after her moms death, so I guess that I have to be excused for that. He does have alot on his mind. But thats not your problem. LOL
Buy a small cake and celebrate your birthday for you, even if that includes tears.
Hi Cherry. Happy Birthday you!
Definitely let yourself feel whatever you are feeling. Acknowledge it, know that it is normal for you to feel this way, and know that you are a whole, unbroken human being. You are in an incredibly difficult and painful situation, and bottling up your emotions will lead to more pain down the road. Obviously your tears and feelings aren't for your H. He has violated your trust and no longer deserves to see your vulnerability, but you need to let your emotions out or they will harm you. I bottled mine for months, burying them under false hopes, and that almost destroyed me. Aknowledging the depth of my own grief and starting to feel it and learning about it has helped me so much. Feel your emotions and allow them to pass through you.
I'm sorry that H can't get his head out of the hole it's in long enough to realize how good he has it. I know how much you long to be close to him, and you know that I caved on this front with my own H last month so I'm not judging at ALL, but perhaps it's time to stop granting him access? Intimacy is a privilege within a loving relationship, and I don't see that he's living up to his side of the bargain.
(((Cherry)))
Happy birthday, gorgeous! Am I late? Damn time difference.
(((Cherry)))
I agree with the rest. Ride it out but act civil in front of H. I hope you'll have/ you've had a great time.
Phoebe you are so right, it is a privilege and unless he wants all of me, he shouldn't get any of me.
Up and out today, things to do. Let him see me bright and breezy, feel like I need to get these tears out but I can't quite do it.
I am angry, but I think it's the White anger,, because I know I'm worth more. As he lay there last night, I watched him. But in the "you know what, maybe you aren't all that". The loving, caring sweet man has gone. This is not the same person.
He went out to work and told me he's going out with some buddies after work. I said okay, quite breezily. I don't think that was faked. Yes I'm annoyed that maybe he should of been trying to arrange a way to make it up to me. But that's what maybe I want, not him. But the other part of me thinks, if he had suggested something, I probably would of declined. I don't want someone spending time with me because they feel obliged to. I am worth more than that, some people actually want to spend time with me because they love me.
It's hard really knowing what is the right thing to do. So journaling my thoughts.
Just do something Cherry, it will all fall into place.
Hmm you're right ddj. Getting out doing something will help me. Why should he get all the fun. Might try and get a sitter and glam up and spend the evening with a girlfriend
So after a lovely day out with baby. I come home to a huge flower delivery from h. With a card just simply saying sorry I forgot.
My head is mashed
Wow. You are really on a roller coaster these last couple days. All I can say is stay cool and try to stay on an even keel. Try not to read too much into the flowers. Obviously it's a good sign, but don't head for the moon just yet.
Steady on. You've got this!
You're right phoebe, after the past 18 months. I think the only time I will start being really happy is once I've heard the words that he wants to commit and is willing to do absolutely everything, and when I see him trying everything.
I am happy, but I'm not reading into them. They might mean something, they might mean nothing. I doubt he even knows really!
Very nice Cherry, he is missing you, affirm his actions with a simple "thank you for the flowers". Read nothing else into it.
Thanks ddj. That is exactly what I did. I sent a message to thank him, to which he came back with something along the lines of I told you I'm not a d*** (I have never told him he is, so they are totally his thoughts). I didn't respond to that. I left it at that. He's out tonight, I'm meeting up with one of my girls. Might even pull the valentinos out for tonight.
good for you! if its any consolation, you can let him know that we all think he's a d--- anyways.
Glam it up, just for you.
Haha that made me laugh ddj. He's used that line a few times, and I always say "I never said you were" then in my head I think (well to your face) I may have thought it from time to time.
Yep, I shall. Just because it'll make me feel good about myself
Good one, Cherry! I've had similar conversations and thoughts about my H.
As one of my fav dbers used to remind me, 'Trust but verify'.
As for the physical intimacy, if you're starting to feel resentful because of the cake-eating, then you could pull back.
Hope you're having a great day today.
And omg, you ppl are a reserved lot, aren't you?
Ladies and gentlemen, please dont try this at home without trained supervision.
I have told xh in the face that he was a bloody fg moralless idiot, that TP is a bloody moralless biatch, and they deserve each other.
I do wonder on hindsight why I didn't add in fg for TP. perhaps on a subconscious level I was still feeling sorry for her?
Now if that doesn't prove my track record for dynamiting bridges and putting truckloads of feet in my mouth, I don't know what would.
He's started in bed sleeping close almost completely undressed on a regular basis. Sometimes almost touching me. At the start of this he would practically sleep on the edge of the bed, with as many clothes as he possibly could. If he could have made a barrier in the bed he would.
I do not rise to this bait. I don't try and cuddle up to him. I'm business as usual.
Haha grl, credit to you. Compared to my Latina family members I am incredibly patient. I think clothes would be out on the street and many cuss words being used.
While his actions are doing one thing. He still won't speak to me.
Up and at um with baby. Going to have a nice day together. And then I'll put him to bed and leave him with a sitter with a night out planned with a girlfriend.
So this morning, before going out with baby. I filled in h that I would be out that evening. He kinda nodded. Then said, well I'll be going out too. I said ok, mil said she will look after baby. As I left, h did not look as though he was going anywhere. Hours later upon return I see him sat texting in the car, I ask if he's going out, he doesn't look at me, but shrugs. I say ok enjoy your evening, and go in the house. Not even 5 mins later, he comes straight back into the house.
Do you think these could be seen a positive signs. Even if he still barely looks or speaks to me?
Those do sound like positive baby steps, Cherry. Don't react, just take note.
^^ what phoebe said.
Stay on course, don't let your h sway. Db; act as if, 180s, GAL and monitor what works.
Cautious optimism.
You're changing Cherry, you're coming around, he is noticing that so keep getting that confidence up. That's all that you need to do.
Do you think these could be seen a positive signs. Even if he still barely looks or speaks to me?
No expectations Cherry, but do take note!
Thanks guys. I don't have any expectations. He is still silent with me and won't look at me. We don't exchange any words in the day.
I'm just going to continue with my business, and stay in the mindset I've been in. It certainly helps my pma not to expect anything of him.
You are doing great, Cherry. Your ability to carry on every day while seeing H is incredible.
Some days I wonder if it's incredible or I'm stupid. It's been a day where we have barely been in the same room, either I find something to do or he goes out and comes back. When I have seen him, again he hasn't been able to look at me. And there has been no conversation. I keep myself going, is always harder on those days when I don't go out and do something.
Well, I understand that thought because I wonder that about myself, too. Still, I have a lot of admiration for the way you are handling yourself. You inspire me when I'm feeling sorry for myself.
I've decided that I can't hang around my house on this rainy day, because I can't look at these walls full of memories any longer. The cleaning projects can hang!
I hope you get out and do something fun for yourself today.
(((Cherry)))
Okay so I broke a golden rule of db-int. I shopped. I saw all messages to the ow branding this marriage a mistake. Every day he is closer to leaving me.
I want to kick him out the damn house!!!!!!!
I guess they weren't baby steps at all!!
(((Cherry)))
First things first. Did you take screenshots and send them to your phone? Useful if fault-based D is practised where you are.
And also for confronting H.
I am of the view that intel can be useful if you are strong enough to know what to do with it.
What do you want to do with the info, Cherry? Are you able to put away your emotions right now to decide?
You don't have to decide right now. You will probably be spinning right now. Get out of the house and keep busy to take the edge off. If you don't know what to do with the info, I think you should avoid seeing H for the time beng.
Work out what it is that you want first.
FWIW, h may be cake eating and trying to pacify the OW. I dont think he tells her about the hot and heavy stuff that happens between the 2 of you.
Is there any way you can burst the bubble of the A?
Cherry, I am so sorry to hear this. JksD is right about the screen shots. I didn't do that when I found out about H's affair and I regret that in hindsight.
JksD is also dead on in that you need to decide what to do with this information before you do anything at all.
Does it actually change your situation, what you just found out? What I mean is : Did you already know he was having an affair, or is this new information? I see that it had been an issue in the past. Is it the same OW? Did he tell you it was over? Is he lying to her, too, when he said those things? I'm not trying to give him any credit here, plainly he does not deserve any. I'm just remembering the old "believe nothing they say" rule. I'd think that would apply to them nge he tells the OW, too. I know for certain that my H has lied to his OW.
The most important thing for you to do right now is to stay as calm as possible. A huge blow up scene won't do you any good as that red anger shuts down your ability to think clearly. If you can buy yourself time to think and get your head around things, then you should. Decide for yourself how this new info changes things. Head to a hotel or to a friend's house for the night with your baby if you can to clear your head. Don't tell H the reason you're going out. You don't owe him your honesty right now.
Above all, Cherry, remember that you deserve to be loved and treated well. What you do from here is your choice, not his.
I'm sorry to hear that Cherry. But I'm sadly not surprised either. I think any time there is OW on the scene, some justification goes on. Even though your H knows at some level it's unfair - he complains about the M - else (to his rational self) why would he get involved with someone else?
So, you guys are still sleeping in the same bed and ML, despite OW being in progress. He is bad mouthing your M and saying he wants out. I'm thinking boundaries and would encourage you to think about what you can and can't live with here. I know you want to try and save this M if possible, but please put yourself first here and protect your health and emotional wellbeing.
Take care Sweetie xx
Thanks guys. You all bring up some really great points here, and give me some things to think about. And I needed the support so thank you.
It was the early hours of the morning here so could not get up and go really. I tried to calmly get into bed, and it took every part of my strength not to succumb to the red anger- I had an overwhelming desire to punch him! He tried his upmost to initiate sex throughout the night, and kept trying to intertwine himself in anyway to make contact. I swatted him off for most of the night, until at some point, he must have got me half asleep. And well that happened. Afterwards he tried to lay close to me, I shuffled away.
I didn't manage to take screenshots, the anger always clouds my logical thoughts. But you guys are right in the sense of he has no problem lying to me, I doubt he has any problems lying to her. And what better way to gain attention from someone but tell her a little sob story about how hard he has it, and yes I have no doubt the hot and heavy, and other actually caring actions are left out.
Not sure how to deal my cards yet, the red anger has shifted to white. And I'm more determined to look after me, for me. He is clearly a bit of a toxic mess right now. He is in chaos for sure. Not to sure how I can burst the bubble, I'm sure I can find a way. It isn't new info, I think so far it is just messaging. All day freaking long messaging. Because he is quite often at home. I guess it just angered me to see with my own eyes him telling someone things about our marriage. And when I see the word mistake I see red, because I am no mistake!!
The fact these toxic ap can justify the actions of someone leaving their m, especially where children are involved makes me even more angry, and you kinda think on one hand, these slimy people deserve each other- they don't deserve a loyal loving person. They deserve someone equally as lacking in morals
Hey Cherry, keep your head up and don't react. This really does not change anything. He's still a lying, cheating bstard.
I fought my WW off me this morning, I needed a cold shower but you can do it too.
Just imagine yourself in a cocoon, there is no-one else in there with you. You are at peace and alone. You get out of the cocoon and are still at peace and you do not see your WH at all, he's a figment of your imagination. You are alone and you soak it all up, experience it.
Cherry, at this point, I agree with sotto that some sort of boundaries may be in place. For your mental wellbeing, more than anything else.
A few quick questions:
Is it the same girl that he was flirting with previously?
So it seems like so far it's EA and not yet PA?
I wish I know how to advise you to move forward.
Let's just not do anything for the time being.
He is choosing to sleep with you and not OW. If he really feels that it's a mistake and dislike you so much, he wouldn't be sleeping with you.
Chances are he's cake-eating now.
I think you still have to continue dbing.
I don't mean to rub it in but from the text exchanges, what needs do you think the slut, oops, I mean OW, is meeting?
Is it possible to meet these needs in a non-clingy, non-doormatty way?
Whatever actions you decide to undertake, make sure that it doesn't compromise who you are as a person.
Meanwhile, maybe you could get your ducks in a row to see what you need to do to protect yourself and S.
(((Cherry)))
I know some may give you the advice that these sort of messages might cause you to give up, and that is your decision. I would say that believe nothing they say and half of what they do. He may very well be lying to himself through this conversation. I can't tell you why he is saying these things, but would give you the advice to stick to your morals, refrain from decisions based on emotions, and stay in the marriage until you no longer want to be in it. (Hugs)
You guys are right, and this whole situation seems different in a way to the last time. Last time he would never be at home, ever. He would return early hours- sleep in another room and go to work after an hours sleep. He rarely ate with us. He certainly didn't do much to help us.
So although he is saying one thing to her, whilst cake eating. His actions say otherwise to me. Doesn't mean I have my hopes up. I'm surprisingly calm actually. The way he is right now is not a man I can trust. And he needs to make severe changes in order to commit to our m.
I think the slut is just making him feel desired, although he likes to come across confident, I don't think he is in the slightest, so someone giving him this boost will make him feel good. The way things are right now, I don't think I can meet that need without coming across clingy- and that isn't a look I want. Our whole r people having always said he is punching above his weight with me, and how did he get me, I think this has led to him feeling a tad resentful towards me. Although, I have never given him reason not to trust me, I haven't even looked at another guy, and any guy that has tried to flirt or become suggestive, I straight up tell them I'm married and that's not how I work
I am surprised at my calmness I really am. Focused on me and baby