So my husband left about 3 months ago, and when I say "left" i mean said he doesn't know what he wants. He is officially moving out next week, to take a break from our marriage. Not saying he wants a divorce, but rather a break from our marriage. I've noticed that when I just go on with my life, don't reach out to him, don't email him, text, anything he is constantly reaching out. I know this is normal, but I guess my concern is, do I keep this up even after he's officially out? We have a 1 year old, so there are things we will need to talk about, but other than that, do I just act like I"m doing great? That's really when he seems to come around. Ugh!!
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
So my husband left about 3 months ago, and when I say "left" i mean said he doesn't know what he wants. He is officially moving out next week, to take a break from our marriage. Not saying he wants a divorce, but rather a break from our marriage. I've noticed that when I just go on with my life, don't reach out to him, don't email him, text, anything he is constantly reaching out. I know this is normal, but I guess my concern is, do I keep this up even after he's officially out? We have a 1 year old, so there are things we will need to talk about, but other than that, do I just act like I"m doing great? That's really when he seems to come around. Ugh!!
What you can't let him do is have his cake and eat it too. He wants a break? Fine, he's out. He needs to learn what that really means. It doesn't mean he gets access to you and the kid whenever he wants. Nope. That right is reserved for the family unit. A family unit he wants to walk away from. You have to be strong. Don't be his doormat because nobody respects a doormat. He has to feel the pain of what him leaving really means to his life. He can see you and the kiddo at your discretion and on your schedule. Period.
Hello,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You are so smart to recognize that detaching is getting you a positive response from him. Keep doing what is working. Of course you need to be in contact with him regarding your daughter, but what does that look like while he is out of the marital home?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our DB coaching program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I totally agree about the "having his cake" and I'm actually looking forward to him moving out because he will get a true sense of what life is like without me. He's already starting to get scared (I know because the phone calls and texts are starting). So what do I do if he's away for however long, and then decides he wants to come back? That is the ultimate goal for me, to get back together. But do I look weak because I'm letting him take this time away from "us" and then take him back?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
do I look weak because I'm letting him take this time away from "us" and then take him back?
You don't take him back without proper boundaries and healthy objectives.
Can you give some examples of proper boundaries and healthy objectives? I do have the book also, and it's definitely helpful.
Complete transparency with his phone, e-mail accounts, computer, and STD tests for starters.
Show by his ACTIONS that he wants to be back in the marriage,
not just words.
Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096
Great, thank you so much! It's funny, now that the move out date is getting closer, he is starting to panic.
What I find the most interesting is how differently we "miss" each other. If he comes to see the baby, I'm sad the minute he leaves and for the next day or so. Everything hurts. After a few days, I find myself not hurting as much. The sadness is there, but I am able to go on. He is the opposite. He is great for a few days without seeing me, but then starts missing me. I just hope we can get through this
Cross each bridge when they come up. You should not worry about how to handle him coming back before he leaves.
For now pull back more IMO. Don't do anything to affect his decision and act as if you are fine with it.
Thanks, I'll try to pull back even more!
I'm having a hard night. I'm really missing my husband (who left) tonight and I want to call him, text him, reach out to him somehow. How do you get through nights like this?
I'm having a hard night. I'm really missing my husband (who left) tonight and I want to call him, text him, reach out to him somehow. How do you get through nights like this?
Post here.
However stick to one thread until 100 posts.
Threads merged
Oh sorry!! Thanks for merging!
Hope you got some sleep last night.
Posting on the forum can help you get through a bad night.
Sleep is the tough part. At least during the day I have distractions, but nighttime gets me. I keep thinking about him moving out officially this week and it is all I can think about. He hasn't been staying here anyway, but now that he's officially getting his own place it's just too real
ZZZquil takes care of the sleep problem.
I find that I have the greatest clarity of mind during the middle of the night. I'm trying not to fight the sleeplessness, rather going to embrace it.
I just miss him most at night. I think of a million things I want to tell him and have to work really hard to refrain from texting. Today he asked if he could come see our daughter, I replied yes. He texted immediately "why have you been so short with me this week?" Really?? Why am I so short with you? You've left me!!
Again, I have had 5 hours sleep (I normally need 8) but my mind is clear, I can see everything without a haze. Will catch up later.
Hi DDJ, you sound like a very, very strong lady! It sound like you've been doing everything right so far. I'm so sorry you find yourself here though.
I just wanted to reiterate what others have said about 'cake eating'. My H left 5 months ago and I've been too afraid of pushing him away further to put very strict boundaries in place about visiting our two children. I know feel he is cake eating big time! He comes every day and sits here for hours and even comes in when we're not in and eats our food and watches TV! He has started doing some relationship reconciliation exercises with me but even so, his cake eating is driving me crazy and it's very easy for him to just keep going on like this without changing anything I feel. I'm not great at advice but just wanted to hopefully help you to not make the mistake I have of letting my H call all the shots. As you say yourself, your H needs to know what it will feel like to be truly gone and only have certain specified access to your D.
As for getting through the nights, I agree, they're the worst. I got through them initially by staying up, even into the small hours, until I was so exhausted that I would crash out fast asleep when I did get in bed. Gradually I became more and more tired and found that I was getting to that sleeping point earlier and earlier. Now I'm back to my usual sleep routine unless H does something particularly upsetting.
Take care of you and your little one and keep posting, there are so many wonderful people on here to give advice!
I'm actually a man, although I inherited the strength from my single mother of 4.
I'm actually looking forward to Friday when he moves out officially because then I won't wait up for him. Maybe I'll get some sleep. When will the "I just want him to come home" longing feeling go away?
I think that it will only go away if you are able to truly let him go. I definitely had a bad day yesterday, I did and said all the wrong things to my WW.
Today is a new day, a new start, a new me. God help me.
Get with girlfriends and start going on girls nights out. Go to social places. If men want to chat or dance then do that. I'm a man, I know the effect that will have. It would drive your H absolutely nuts and he'll realize what he's flirting with losing. If you sit around the house all depressed, OR EVEN WORSE,
Sorry...hit submit accidentally. Even worse is if you continually contact him because you miss him. That'll drive him further away because he knows you're there for him anytime he wants. He needs to feel like he's losing you and the family.
I can do that for sure! What do you suggest I do as far as the baby? He is going to have her every Wednesday for an hour or so, and said that if I want to do things on the weekends I should let him know. DO you think I should ask him to watch her or should I just get a babysitter and not even mention it to him
Well, what will make you most happy, without even considering his happiness?
Perhaps get him to watch your baby, at least they can bond. Want-away Fathers normally lose their love for their children. I have not spoken to mine in 3 years!
Your daughter is v young. She can easily rebond/bond with dad a little later. Maybe less is more right now.
If you do take him up on his offer, turn up dressed to kill as if you have a hot date or big fancy do to go to. Exaggerate your GAL and your having fun.
Either way GAL and have fun for you.
SO frustrated right now. Tomorrow is his day with the baby, and by day, I mean 2 hours with her. He just sent me a message saying that he had something from 4:30-5:30, but he's gonna have someone watch her. Then he's free from 5:30-6:30, but then has something again at 6:30. He asked if that's ok with me...it's not! It's supposed to be his day with her, not a day with someone else watching her. Do I have a right to say something to him, can I say that's not what the plan was and that i'll just keep her? It's his first week with her!
I think technically he can do has he wants during his time. BUTiif it is not a legal agreement in your position I would say it is not ideal and he can have her next week if he can organize his time to mind her.
Yeah, I know he has nothing on Friday night so maybe I"ll see if he wants to switch (although I can't imagine he'll give up his weekend). I just can'tdeal witn with this every week. She's young enough now where it doesn't make a difference, she doesn't know any better, but eventually she'll get it. His life has never once been affected by her, seriously. That's what frustrates me so much. IN the year and two months since she's been born, I have had to make all of the concessions, I have had to call out of work when she's sick, I've gotten up with her EVERY single night.
He does not respect you, or his daughter. you most likely need to stand up or his going to have you flat on your back every week.
Today is the day that he is officially moving out. I can't believe this is really happening. I don't really have much to say, just feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing.
Really missing him right now. I just feel so empty
I'm sorry you find yourself here. I can totally relate to your position with a young baby. It's so hard when you're adjusting to life as a mom, and a wife and trying to maintain a sense of self.
In the long run, he is the one with a lot to loose here, but that's easy to say I know. Keep looking after you, be gentle on yourself and focus on you and your baby. My baby is what keeps me going at times- because they deserve better. They also need a reliable steady parent, and that's us. Do you have anyone that can help with baby? Any family. My mil is my main support system she's great and helps when I feel I need a bit of me time
Keep posting, we are here for you.
My parents are incredible, and I have amazing friends. But no one takes the place of him. He "moved out" into a new place. I put "moved out" in quotes because all of his stuff is still at our house. He says he hates the new place and misses us, but I don't want him to come back just because he doesn't like the new house. I want him to come back for the right reasons. I know he misses the life he had, but how will I ever know if he is really missing me?
Hang in there sr9,
I know the feeling as my WAW moved out this past weekend as well. And she did so in a Big Bang fashion of fury and anger. And yet the past 2 days have been riddled with the feelings of loss for me.
Today is better than yesterday and hope tomorrow is better.
I am in your corner and can relate, I just wanted to send you support and encouragement.
Thanks for the support. I really thought I was on the up and up! I had been feeling so much better and felt like I was living my life. All of a sudden, I hear that he's sad, he's lonely, and I feel sad. I know he's not coming back, but I guess I just feel hopeful and then crushed all over again.
sr9,
The emotional roller coaster is a pain in the butt. Don't let it beat you though. This forum has been a life saver for me. Take advantage of it and use it. You've got a whole team of folks on here that are on your side and pulling for you.
Hello sr9e2d7,
This is certainly a roller coaster. I'm glad you have been feeling better and living your life.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
The hard thing is to not get my hopes up. He says things like "I miss you" " i know I'll want to come home soon". How can I not get my hopes up? I have to play it cool because if I get excited, I'll just be crushed if he decides he doesn't want to be with me in the long run. Plus, playing it cool makes him act differently. This detaching thing really does work. I just don't know when I let him back in? (If he even comes back)
sr9,
I know what you mean about it being hard to not get your hopes up. My W one night asks me to sleep in the bed with her and hold her all night. Then next day she's telling me about her new place, furniture, etc.. I'm like, "wait, won't we just..." Sometimes you feel like the door is opening up just to get slammed back in your face. I think the safe thing is to just to not assume anything. Don't set yourself up for failure.
I spoke with my therapist this week who gave great advice. She said "suspend needing to know". Probably the hardest thing to do, but I'm going to to try so hard to just live in the present. I'm going to enjoy this gift of time. I spend too much time wondering if he's gonna come back or not.
So he's starting to waiver. He says he thinks about coming home but he's not sure if he's coming home for the right reasons. Like, does he just miss the comfort of home or does he want to be back with us. What do I say to that?
I could be way of base here but I find it a little cheekyfor a WAS to leave and then assume they can come back whenever/if ever they choose. Following that logic, I would tell him to let you know when he knows what he wants and at that time YOU will decide if that is what you want.
I am not saying to slam the door shut but to take ownership of the door.
It is yours and you get to decide who can use it and when.
Until then try to refocus on you. Dwelling on this will nit help you. Plus it could take a long time.
Best wishes.
Validate and only validate. It seems that your H is still not quite there yet.
sr9e2d7,
My thought is if you can get a coach - do it! Even one session would help you with what's going on as far as your WAS wanting to return.
Let's say he does. Then what? Things are the same? What's he going to do to change? What are you going to do?
It's great that you've disconnected and automatically done a lot of what DR is all about by simply living your life and letting him know what his life is like without you. But once back together, something has got to change. How to make a fresh beginning? Is he having a MLF? If so, things might not improve. You'll need to get to the root of his problem. So far you've been doing great, hang in there.
What do you mean by that?
What are everyone's thoughts about me going out on a date?
I say don't do it. i know the pain of being a LBS, but I don't think that you are emotionally in the right place. I think that you should focus on you and don't need to complicate things right now.
I agree. As LBSs we aren't right.. May take years to get right. You don't wanna mess someone else up either. Just because the S is messing up your R, stay true to your beliefs. Get well, get strong, get detached, figure out what you want and need in a R.
my vote is, if you have any hopes of reconciliation then don't do anything to muddy the waters. ie. no to the date.
have fun being sr9, cause she's a wonderful person.
I was waiting eagerly for the responses to "What are everyone's thoughts about me going out on a date?" Was asking myself the same question.
Thank you everyone! My girlfriends have been recommending it but it scares the crap out of me!!
Can you elaborate on the circumstances of the invite to a date?
I have a .01% chance of reconciliation, and I still wouldn't do a date. But I'm a different kind of guy.
A guy I work with has been hitting on me for years, and I've always declined obviously. Well now my friends think I should say yes, but I just know I'm not there yet. And hearing all the responses just solidifies my decision.
I have a .01% chance of reconciliation...
so you're saying there's a chance?
(sorry couldn't help myself)
Ok. So a guy at work that knows you're married has been hitting on you for years? First off, if this guy doesn't respect marriage, why would you want to go on a date with him if you were single? Secondly, that's the kind of guy that is in the ear of many of our Ss charming them into leaving their families. Not a winner in my book.
Go through the journey you are in now, come out the other side no matter what happens, stronger. I miss the perception of closeness I had, I miss being with my wife, I miss my complete family, I miss affection. When this journey ends, I will find what I need. I'm not rushing it.
Yeah you're right. I'd be lying if I said the attention didn't feel good, but I'm not gonna respond at all to him.
I'm having a very hard night. I feel like I've been doing so well lately - completely detached and working on my own life with my daughter. But then I have nights like this when I miss him more than anything and I just want him to come home. My therapist recommended that even if he says he wants to come back, I should wait until he's been seeing his therapist for a few months and is working on himself. The thought of this still going on without any resolution in a few months makes my head hurt. I just want to stop caring!
Ok. So a guy at work that knows you're married has been hitting on you for years? First off, if this guy doesn't respect marriage, why would you want to go on a date with him if you were single? Secondly, that's the kind of guy that is in the ear of many of our Ss charming them into leaving their families. Not a winner in my book.
SOOOOOO much of this^^^^. That guy is a piece of $#!&. You deserve a man with character, integrity and values. None of which i can assure you this man has.
I'm having a very hard night. I feel like I've been doing so well lately - completely detached and working on my own life with my daughter. But then I have nights like this when I miss him more than anything and I just want him to come home. My therapist recommended that even if he says he wants to come back, I should wait until he's been seeing his therapist for a few months and is working on himself. The thought of this still going on without any resolution in a few months makes my head hurt. I just want to stop caring!
Some nights are definitely worse than others. Some days I think to myself "ok, I can do this." Others, I freak out, go into panic mode and think the sky is falling. My Tuesday was so promising and so positive, but the past couple days I've just been down and depressed. You just somehow have to not let yourself get too high or too low (which is absolutely easier said than done).
We're here for you though. Wishing you the best.
Must of been a full moon this weekend or something. I had been feeling real good the last couple of weeks, and then boom, I've been absolutely miserable the last couple days. Fortunately my wife and I are physically separated, so I haven't had to fake it the last couple days. I think you may be on to something with not letting yourself get to high or to low.
I moved his stuff to the basement since he wasn't doing it. He is really dragging his feet to get his stuff into his new place, but that's not fair to me. I can't have everything be on his terms anymore. I need to start living my life for me and the baby. I also am so fearful that he's gonna want to come home because he's uncomfortable in his new place and just misses the comfort of his old life, and not because he wants to be with ne
When is this going to get easier?? I know 4 months isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, but when do I just throw in the towel and call it quits? When does this sadness end? How long am I supposed to be in limbo, not knowing if this separation is leading to reconciliation or divorce?!?
unfortunately, it doesn't ever get easier.
your day today sounds like my day yesterday. those kind of days are the worst. but just remember, you have a whole group here that are steadfast behind you and wishing you nothing but the best.
Nice job on moving his stuff to the basement.
You should continue to focus on you and the baby. Continue to move forward with your life, detaching is key. Your H needs to come back to you.
What if so much time goes by & I've moved on?
What if so much time goes by & I've moved on?
You mean after you become a person that only a fool would leave?
Then I guess it will be his loss.
And he will be the fool.
Thanks! I actually wonder about so much time going by and me getting sick of his nonsense and me moving on.
I've always suspected there was another woman. He swears there's not but I just feel it in my gut and I can't ignore it. I know him so well and I know when he's not telling the truth. I want to believe him so bad but something isn't letting me. I just want ONE DAY where I don't think about him every second. I'm so tired. I feel like all of my posts are just me whining but it feels good to just get it out...
So Friday night he admitted to having a "thing" with this girl. He said nothing physical, but she was more of a symbol for the life he didn't have and the life he thought he wanted. She's young, goes out all the time, no responsibility. He said he doesn't want that life and wants his life back. I said we have a lot of work to do. Then tonight he texts me angry because his sister (my best friend) came to my Mother's Day. He's upset that she's "on my side". Then he said "it's making me rethink things", meaning the stuff he said about wanting to work things out with me. I'm wondering if he even meant what he said on Friday night about wanting to work things out or if he just said to distract me from getting so angry about the other girl. I just feel like he thinks this is a game. And I don't know what to do now. Do I just pretend that he didn't say anything about wanting to work it out and just see what his next move is??
To the WAS it is a game, one they hold all the cards and know all the answers. Some of them are actually confused and struggling, some know exactly what they are doing, and yet some are actually trying to hurt the LBS the entire way. Believe nothing they say, and half of what they do. Take the power away from him, detach, GAL, act as if.... Etc
I really like that idea, Ralph88- take the power away from him by detaching, etc. I had never thought about it that way, but you're exactly right.
sr9e2d7, I'm sorry for what you are going through. Ralph88's got it absolutely right. Don't believe a word he says right now, no matter how good it sounds. Look at actions, and even take those with a few grains of salt. All the best.
So can I ever believe him again?!?
I can't do this. I want to give up. I'm so tired of crying, so tired of wondering where he is, who he's with...
I'm tired of feeling like a second choice. I want to file for divorce just to end all of this waiting
sr9,
You can't worry about what he's doing. You only need to worry about what YOU are doing to better yourself.
I know it's hard and you just want to quit. But you've got to keep fighting.
I don't even know what I'm fighting for anymore
So I'm super confused. Is the point of all of this to get him back someday or move on with my life?
Hi, I too feel your pain and have been separated for nearly 8 months now.
I think the point of DB'ing is to repair yourself, that may or may not result in reconciliation, but it WILL ensure you are fit to take on what life is going to throw at you no matter what the future holds.
Like you, I too desire some certainty. The trouble is we cannot be the ones to dictate a timeline on this. Your spouse is uncertain, otherwise you would know what is happening. To force it would give you a bad result.
All we can do, for the small comfort it brings, is live our lives for ourself and children, and try and get to the state where our spouse cannot control us or our emotions. This can take months or even years (feels like it for me!).
Sandi's "rules" all have a sound basis, all you can do is follow these, remain cheery and "as-if" when in their company, and make sure you are assertive and not a door-mat. Be very aware of cake-eating and decline it - it will not ease your pain.
Sending you a virtual hug
In all of your posts, you've only talked about your H and what he's doing, saying, etc.
Going back a bit. Were there problems in your M? What were conflicts that the two of you had? What were the things that you were responsible for? What were his complaints before?
the problem in our marriage was sex, lack of it (for him). We had sex frequently, just not frequently enough for him. So he left because he was unhappy, and to quote him "he's gonna find what makes him happy". Looking back, he's right. I didn't want to be intimate with him because he wasn't that nice to me. Never physically abusive, but angry.
Tonight he told me he's not ready to file for divorce and doesn't want me to either. But he doesn't know what he wants. Nothing has changed in the past five months that he's been gone, so what are we waiting for?! I can't live like this, in limbo and not knowing what's next.
"Looking back, he's right. I didn't want to be intimate with him because he wasn't that nice to me. Never physically abusive, but angry. "
Have you ever told him this? To be honest, your situation seems to be easy to fix.
It does seem easy to fix - I've said that. We talked about how we never want to go back to the way things used to be. He says that for so long he felt I didn't want to be with him (sexually) and now he's not sure that he even wants it anymore. Like, he got so used to not having it that he doesn't even want it anymore. I can't make him want to be with me again. Either he does or he doesn't.
But did you talk to him about the anger issues? Have you both tried something different sexually to start the fires going?
He isn't interested in being with me n
He wants another month before I file for divorce. I don't want to file, I just know that nothing is going to change ever if I don't make a move. He has zero responsibility for anything, including our daughter. Why shouldn't I file?
"He isn't interested in being with me n"
I get that but have YOU tried anything to attract him? Basically looking good, sexy, confident for yourself?
Yep! I've lost weight, I wear much more flattering clothes and I feel so much better. I'm trying not to do any of this for him
He wants a month - a month to see if this single life he's living is better than what we had. It's so unfair because any things gonna seem better than what we had, but I want him to think about how we could be. What do I do when he comes back in a month and wants to file for divorce?
I miss him so much!!!!!! I need to scream!
So sorry to hear your pain! All I can say is you are not alone, if you need to scream then do it!
Give him his month and read the posts on detachment, read about forgiveness (it is for you and not him) when your ready.
Focus on yourself, hard to do but it is what has to be done.
Keep posting and reading.
sr9, sad to see another M crumbling with something that seems like an easy fix. I am sorry to hear about your story.
Whether you file for D should be considered heavily. Is it necessary to protect your assets, your finances, and especially D1? If not, if you are doing fine with all of those things, then maybe you do not need to. It is expensive, painful, a lot of work. You can set boundaries without D.
I would think you would "tell him" the rules of the separation. Set up a firm time for visiting D1, and H either sticks to it or misses out.
Some of the more experienced people on here will have to help with what healthy boundaries for you may look like. I would imagine you would say that you don't want to have any R talks at all until he chooses a direction, he doesn't need constant temp checks to decide what he wants. Maybe establish some rules of what he would need to work on before R talks can begin, be it MC or IC or other?
Many others on here are stuck in limbo, but I believe you still have some choices that you can make right now, for self protection as well as preserving self esteem.
Document everything, just in case things get ugly later. Gather documents on assets and all accounts, and put them in a safety deposit box. Take pictures of everything you own before it starts disappearing.
I don't want to file for divorce - I don't want a divorce at all! I'm just terrified that he's gonna file. All signs are pointing to his not doing that, but it's the thought that keeps me up at night
I'll give the advice that is given to me and I hate hearing... But it's true. You can't control his actions!
If he files for D, you will then have your answer, like it or not. Terrible to hear. In the mean time, as long as YOU are stable, don't worry about it. When the time comes, deal with the D. If you want to stall, you can stall for years. He may or may not stop part way through, you don't know. Make it uncomfortable for him now as if you are already D so he can see what it is like.
My W made it impossible for me to live on my own, which forced me to file to protect myself.
What do you think about taking a break from marriage and then getting back together. My husband and I just talked about possibly doing this.itll be a six month break (five of which we've already served, so one month left) and then a reconciliation (with counseling)
SOrry to be a pest - just curios about people's thoughts on taking a break
Sr9,
Hopefully that's what my W and I are going to do. She signed a 6 month lease and we're going to go to MC in the meantime. Her words to me were, if I do what i'm supposed to do (ie. make the changes I need to make) then she'll more than likely move back in. But dang if this isn't going to be a long 6 months though.
Hang in there.
Am i supposed to confront him about things he isn't telling me? I know he hasn't been honest about a lot of little things, and then just not telling me about what he's doing. I'm supposed to not care right? (Or act like I don't care?) None of it's so serious, but it's just the point that I can't trust him.
SR9, what exactly does that mean? Seeing other people? Is he already doing so? If that's what he's asking for, are you ok with that?
Sorry for all the questions, but if your already separated and working on you, I don't think your into seeing any other people, so if that's what he's asking for, then are you willing to give him permission to? My answer would be hells to the NO...
To be honest, I don't think he even knows what he wants. Which just makes it all the more confusing for me!
So he went to a concert last night with some friends and it's taking everything in me not to ask if "the girl" was there. Trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter if she was there and me asking isn't going to accomplish anything. Just needed to get that out. Also I'm wondering how getting back together would even work. How do I trust him again?
Please start a new thread
How do I link to this thread? Or do I start a whole new topic? Sorry, still new lol
How do I link to this thread? Or do I start a whole new topic? Sorry, still new lol
Start a new topic and I will link them for you
New thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2683529#Post2683529