Quick layout of my sitch
Was with W for 5 years. Married for 1 1/2. We have 2 children together and she was an amazing mother to the 2 children from my previous marriage.
She came to me late October and said she was unhappy. She was leaving and I did excessive pursuing trying to make everything right. It didn't help.
A few weeks later I found evidence from snooping that she was having a EA at least and I still have no evidence of PA not that I want any.
She has been moved out of the house for almost 2 months and there is no foreseeable chance of R.
Today I contacted my lawyer about proceeding with D. And as of right now I see no reason not to get it started.
Just sending you some strength Tyler. 1.5 years is a short time, that's rough.
My lasted about 2.5 years. When I told my buddy he laughed and said, "Damn that's like working for years to get a girl to finally come to dinner with you, then she gets up and leaves after eating a roll and sipping some water."
I can laugh about it now, and at some point you'll be able to look back on this with a fresh set of eyes. You're in the middle of a chit storm right now, especially with little ones in the mix. It's insane to me that a parent could walk out on kids that young, I'm still heartbroken over not getting to see my nieces on her side of the family let alone children.
I've been following your sitch for a bit and you're doing what needs to be done. Protect yourself, keep your chin as high as you can, and keep forging ahead.
Man hug,
PP
So sorry you are in this situation Tyler,
I am new here and wish I was as wise as some of the members that post here and could tell you the best way to do things but I'm not. All I can say is i am in a very similar situation (I'm 30 and my wife 25 just walked out).
I have taken away a lot from reading others posts and has helped me take a totally different approach than I would have if I didn't come here.
It is a very tough time for you but it sounds like you a getting further along the road of moving on if the thoughts of getting D started are in your current thinking.
I hope you start to feel better soon. I know it's life changing and I'm definitely not the same person I was 2 months ago.
Stay strong Tyler
Thank you PP and I'm sorry your here albac. Don't get discouraged by my sitch. Not all things work out, it doesn't mean yours won't.
I want to add a couple things W mentioned in our talk.
1 she knew where I went on my weekend away. I never told her so she asked someone or a family member told her. Not sure.
2. She said she has been watching my finances. Not sure how as she doesn't have access to my account. Not legally anyway. Find it funny she was bothering to monitor me. And it just pisses me off more.
Seems like she's keeping tabs on you. The question is why. The answer requires mindreading which we can't do!
So the knee jerk anger has subsided. I don't know if I am going to file or not. I am however going to meet with my L Tuesday to discuss things.
It's also funny when WW forgets to block some of my family on fb. And after giving me [censored] for going away. I find out she went on a trip with OM. I'm taking a 6 he flight for the weekend get away. I'm not angry or hurt by it. I find the hypocriti funny
I want to add a caution to the previous post about W on trip. I never planned on calling her out on it. I did want the proper info so I knew the truth and could address I if ever the time arose.
I contacted family member and they sent a screen shot of the post. It was about a ball game line up for spring training and it could be construed as her being in that city. However there is no check in on or around that city. Or any tagging of OM. It essentially is a shared post from the team saying hurray ball season pretty much. So my conclusion is no she didn't go. Also it was the middle d the week while she had the boys. So it is very very unlikely.
If you ever hear anything please don't jump to conclusions and make sure facts are there to support the accusation.
Anyway. I'm done for awhile.
Haven't posted in a few days. I want to tell everyone I am doing great! After the anger of talking to W the other day passed I have been at peace with this all.
The argument now that I look at it was my fault because I let it happen and got sucked in. I have had civil conversations with W since. And today I feel like nothing can bring me down.
Not even spew from WW.
Have I dropped the rope? No I don't think so, closer than I have ever been.
A small part of me still holds out hope, and I am not sure why. I really feel like R was toxic. Sure we had good times, the boys we made together are the best thing to come from R. I always felt restrained in my opinions and belittled by my life choices in the past when I was with W.
I fully accept all my faults and decisions in my past. I can't change them now, and they weren't mistakes they were what I thought was the best thing to do at the time. Hind sight is always 20/20.
I refuse to be put through a life style like the one I was living with WW. I deserve better than that and so do my children. I have questioned myself all day why I have bothered to hang on this long, in my sitch hoping to R comes from a place o insecurity and low self worth. Like she was the greatest thing ever and I will never be that happy again. Well. I wasn't as happy as I deluded myself into thinking.
Mona made mention of spring shaking up our sitch's. This is how mine is shaking up. I have never felt more detached and never felt better about my decision to walk way. i am sure I will still have ups and downs. And all I wrote here today may be the opposite tomorrow. Who knows. It is what it is, and I have lived and get stronger through each good and bad day.
Today though. I am not the LBH. I am the WAH. Walking away from someone that doesn't appreciate me and doesn't see the amazing person I am
Hey Tyler12,
Glad to hear you are so positive with the way you are going about your life. I hope that your confidence carries with you forward.
Props to you, Ty.
Know your worth and don't settle. I hope to be there some day too.
(((((Tyler))))) Sounds like you've been through it the past few days. I'm glad that you're feeling better now. I hope your good mood lasts as I know how we can cycle in and out of the depression/sadness, anger, happiness, etc. I hate it when I find a mood I like, but can't seem to make it stick.
It's so odd how these people that we are still married to seem to be complete strangers. It's like one day we can talk to them and they listen, then the next day they don't want to look at us much less speak to us. No matter what we say, they can't seem to hear it. Just so strange to me. I know when all of this started, nothing about me had changed. How did I miss such drastic changes in him?
I also feel like you, that I am holding onto a marriage that just wasn't that great to start with. For some reason feeling like I am never going to find someone so wonderful ever again....but, like your W, my H wasn't that wonderful to start with. Funny how we start to see them through different colored glasses after some time away. I like that you are feeling like a WAH these days instead of LBH. Just seems like you're starting from a place of power as a walk away instead of desperation like a left behind. Kudos to you Tyler! Your journey is inspiring to me. You started with so many questions....now you seem to have so many of the answers. You have done a lot of hard work and it shows. Keep it up! Perhaps someday we will both be able to drop that heavy rope that we seem to be holding on to for no apparent reason at all.
Tyler,
I could feel the confidence come through in your post. And, you sound very strong. I laughed when you called yourself the WAH! Loved that.
I also have times when I wonder why I am trying to hang on to a marriage to a man that is a cheater and a liar. Where the world revolved around him and he fit me and his kids into it only when he wanted. I agree with you - we should no longer accept a lifestyle that isn't what our kids or we deserve.
So, I am happy for you that you truly feel detached right now. I think that is a freeing feeling that I am very much looking forward, too. Because, like you, I still hold out some hope even with the occasional moment of detachment. Maybe these are the first steps to fully detaching and dropping that very heavy rope. In the meantime, enjoy your feeling of detachment, soak in your strength and keep going forward!
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I'm at a place where I see that no matter the problems we had in M, nothing to me justifies an A. What kind of person does that to someone and more importantly what kind of person am I to be wanting them back.
Zeus wrote something just like that awhile ago and while I got it I didn't feel it. Anytime I feel a longing for W I laugh to myself and say really? Your better than that. You have been enjoying your life without ex. You were enjoying it before too.
I have come to peace with my contribution to the downfall of my marriage and I understand what actions of mine need to be changed in any R moving forward. What personal traits I have to continue to work on for myself.
If W ever comes to me looking for R I am still open to it. That's something that has shifted from yesterday. I would be approaching it with extreme caution and hesitancy. She would need to do a lot of work to win me back at this point.
I still have lots of work to do and I fully accept the responsibility of moving forward. My attitude may have to do with having the boys this week and all 4 for the weekend. So I am getting ready for the possibility that next week may be tough being alone again. I know I can do things to GAL. And make myself busy
So I have been throwing an idea around in my head today. I am considering writing a letter to W.
The basis of the letter would be a goodbye letter for me. Closure on the situation.
I bounce back and forth between doing it or not. The part that says yes wants to write it to say thank you. Though things didn't pan out I wouldn't have these 2 amazing boys if it wasn't for the time we had together. We did have some good times, now I see that this is a better situation. I didn't understand your need to find happiness and now I see I had a need to find mine as well.
There will probably be more. This is not something I am just going to throw together.
The no side says why bother. Your happy and moving forward. Why include her in this? To hurt her or as a last ditch effort? Possibly. The difference is. I don't care if it effects her at all or if there is any response to it.
Just looking for some feed back as to if I should do this or not.
I also realize the similarity to sparkles sitch and I remember my comments on her thread. Trust me. This is not something I am taking lightly.
I see this as something I need to do to continue moving forward. I am curious if anyone else has done something similar and I it helped them with themselves.
I wouldn't.
If you are truly done, there's no need to tell her about it. You'd simply not care. The fact that you are even thinking about a letter tells me you still have some attachment. If you had no attachment, you wouldn't even think of writing the letter.
Your W just moved out a month ago, Ty. I don't think you've dropped the rope yet.
Maybe your subconcsious is pushing you to make a move to avoid being in limbo.
I think your wisest move is holding off on doing anything right now.
I agree with Thornton. It has only been a month and I feel tremendously stronger when I have my boys with me. My suggestion would be to write the letter for yourself and not give it to W. It will be cathartic and maybe, when you are truly detached and the rope is officially dropped, then you can consider giving it to her. But, I bet you will reread it and won't want to bother…..at least, that is what I think truly "being done" will feel like. Just my humble opinion...
IF you're really done: write the letter. Pour it all out onto the paper. And then burn it, releasing the words and emotions into the cosmos (if thats youre thing).
She won't appreciate it. She won't react in the way you want. Writing it will help you move on, but its the writing that's important, not the receiving.
Tyler, listen to the advice given on the forum. Don't write it.
Writing this letter will just have WW react negatively to it.
She'll feel that you are being judgmental and manipulative.
Have to agree with everyone else. If you feel the need write it and destroy it. Doing nothing is the best solution , nothing can be gained from giving a letter like that to W
I do think writing can be very theraputic. I have a like 20 pg document on my laptop full of all of my thoughts and emotions as I've gone through this.
SUbmitted before I was done:
But its only for me. No one else will ever see it. And I'll probably never read it again. There's a lot of tears and pain in there but having it written in front of me, for me at least, means its just a little less inside me.
Hence why I post so damned much here!
I do think writing can be very theraputic. I have a like 20 pg document on my laptop full of all of my thoughts and emotions as I've gone through this.
Yes, writing it is fine, just don't accidentally push the SEND button!
Tyler I can understand you wanting to write the letter, but I do agree with the others. If you really were detached and finished, you wouldn't want to or need to put it on paper. You would just FEEL it. I would bet that she knows that you love your boys and are glad to have them, and that you loved her.....she's the one that left, not you. If you're wanting to put it on paper and actually give it to her, then it seems that you're wanting her to react to it. Maybe not tell you how she is feeling, but you're wanting her to feel something. If you just want to write it to get it out, you can go back to your journal in on here. You used to do that a lot. Or, if you prefer, write it out and then burn it so it's never seen. Either way, I wouldn't give it to her. Your thoughts and feelings change from day to day and what you put on paper today might not be what you would want to put on paper tomorrow. How she reads and takes it today would be different than how she would take it next week. Just enjoy your thoughts and feelings for what they are today and hope for happy thoughts and strong feelings for tomorrow.
Thanks everyone. I do feel like it would have been therapeutic for her to read it. It would have been a waste of my time. Nothing good would have come from it. I know how I feel and that's for me. Not her.
And MB. Your right. I don't know why I stopped journaling here. It's not like nothing is happening in my life. I'm on my way to get my older 2 kidlets right now so maybe before bed if I remember I will journal.
Talking just now brought up some sadness tho. I am going to have all my kids for the weekend and tomorrow is my birthday. I just realized it will be the first in awhile that W hasn't made me a cake or my special bday supper. ( steak Neptune).
As much as I feel done I know I still have a hand or 2 on the rope. I also know I'll be ok. Already feeling better.
Not sure where I would be if I didn't have the support of you all. First D it was a bottle. And it cost me a lot. Having all of you had made a huge difference in my attitude and approach to life.
Happy early birthday, Tyler! I celebrated my bday in January without the H for the first time in 25 years and it was tough, so I understand how you feel. However, what a gift it is to have all of your children with you on your birthday. That is a true blessing. ((hugs))
FYI I commented on MWD last post on DB Fb page. If anyone wants I am always happy to have new friends
So I have all 4 of my kids home. They are all in bed and they were all so happy to see each other. It really makes my heart smile. It hurts at the same time. I know they didn't see each other all the time before, it just feels different now. I'm not sure they see it and I'm not sure I do either. I think it's just the situation like something is missing.
Another thing that is bugging me. W texted me this am. Asking to call the boys this evening as she planned in it before we left the house for the day but she slept in. I said absolutely. We will be in the car from 530-830/9. i am happy that I learned to not say anything to the kids dealing with first wife as she would say she would call and then not do it. It drove W nuts too. She hated ex w. Now she falls right in line, too busy I guess. Disappoints me really.
Its great to have your kids around you, that is the most important thing on your birthday. I hope you have a great day celebrating with your kiddos.
I also had my S tonight and we went to the movies. The movie was horrible but he company was great. Seeing him relax and smile makes this process a bit easier and my weekend worth having!
Sorry W missed the call but it was her loss not your!
Happy birthday, Tyler! I hope you have a wonderful day planned with your four kiddos!
HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!!
*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy*
HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!!
*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy*
HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!!
*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy*
HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!!
*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy*
HaPpY bIrThDaY!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . HaPpY bIrThDaY!!
*happy birthday*. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *happy birthday*
HaPpY bIrThDaY!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . HaPpY bIrThDaY!!
*happy birthday*. . . . . . . ((((((( TYLER ))))))) . . . . . *happy birthday*
HaPpY bIrThDaY!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . HaPpY bIrThDaY!!
*happy birthday*. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *happy birthday*
HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!!
*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy*
HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!!
*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy*
HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!!
*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy*
HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!! HaPpY bIrThDaY!!
*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy birthday*happy*
I hope you have an AWESOME BIRTHDAY!!! You certainly deserve it!
Hug those kids and eat another piece of cake, this is your day.
Thanks Broke and MB. It means a lot for the b day wishes.
W called just now to talk to S3. He wasn't interested so they didn't talk. She knows D12 and S9 are here. No ask of them or to talk to them.
Also I didn't expect any comment on my bday. I find it ridiculous that she could make the effort to avoid saying anything. No have a good day. Happy bday. Nothing. It doesn't hurt. It makes me laugh at myself that I would hold onto a person that could be so unkind and self absorbed.
Every interaction makes life easier without WW
Tyler,
It's my 40th tomorrow. My WW planned to celebrate her father's B-day on my B-day, even though is B-day is a week away.
If she says nothing to you, she still knows it's your B-day. She still remembers making your dinner, your cake. She's just ignoring the truth of the matter, since the feelings that would come with those memories will not jive with what she WANTS to feel right now.
Revel in knowing you are rising about it all, and hug your kids a few more times, telling EACH of them how much you love them. If you cry, that is actually pretty cool - let them see a strong man cry. You can captain this ship, Tyler. You can, and you will. And you will become a mentally strong man, and a man only a fool would leave. Chart the course, raise the sails, and steer the ship on this new course. You CAN steer this ship - the old ship, not so much.
Your comment about every interaction, or lack thereof, is something I feel every day now as well. You will need to interact with her, but only for kid stuff. Find those who respect and honor your boundaries, and show you love. Show them respect. Show your WW respect, because those you respect around you will be amazed. And the positivity ball will roll faster than you can imagine down the hill of life.
Happy birthday Ty!
Don't even sweat W not saying anything.
Don't leave us hanging, Tyler!!! How was your birthday?
FYI I commented on MWD last post on DB Fb page. If anyone wants I am always happy to have new friends
I tried to find this, but I guess I don't know how to look it up.
I had a great day thanks MB. It was beautiful here. The kids were able to play outside all day. I went out with S1 and played with them when he was up. Just cleaned house n relaxed when he was sleeping.
Went to my parents house for a fire and we had hotdogs and marshmallows while the kids ran around and played with their cousins( my brothers 2).
When we came home i made Carmel popcorn and we watched a movie. It wasn't anything super exciting, it was a good day spent with my kids and family.
I'll check that post. Not sure why you can't see it
I commented again. First one was not there for some reason. It's a comment on her post from Wednesday about S leaving for someone new and realizing the LBS was a better fit
I agree with Trumpet - your W purposely ignored your bday because it would make her feel something she doesn't want to. I am glad you had a good day with your kids!
Ya I know she ignored saying anything about my bday. Band that's her choice, it honestly bothered me for about 5 minutes. After that it really had no effect. I plan on wishing her happy bday when hers comes because that's who I am. Even a total stranger I will wish happy bday to if someone mentions it's their bday.
I got a very nice bday wish from the lady at the credit card company that morning. We had a joint card and I am primary on it. I called to remove W from it as I don't trust her not to spend on it. When verifying me she said oh it's your bday! And wished me a happy bday and many more to come that me and my family have health and happiness.
Even a person who I only have talked to for 2 minutes was kinder than a woman who loved me and was my W. It doesn't bother me much anymore, I honestly feel pity for her. It is sad she chooses to act this way and make these choices, they are hers though and I don't want to be around someone that is seemingly as fake as I see her to be
Advice on how to respond to this.
Dropped off boys and an hour later I get I a text
W: never heard this one before, someone is talking about moving to x( town I live)
M: we had a good week. I didn't say anything about living with me
W: yah... I ignored.
W: bc that will not go well for you
So how do I ignore the obvious threat and try to explain I didn't say anything about them living here. It is their home, what they know. Not my fault if S3 is happy here and not there.
I say ignore it. You addressed it. I feel like she's baiting you to start a fight with that last line. Take the high road. You had a great weekend, don't let her ruin it.
No I let it be. She started complaining about how far she has to drive so I ignored the previous exchange and validated her concern and worked on a new place to meet that works for both of us.
sparkls talked me down before I did something stupid. Haha
Lol anytime bud!
Now if only we could get more of these people to track us down on facebook, we could have our own support group!~
Gotta love the threats! Good job taking the high road, buddy.
You already are a man only a fool would leave..
I dunno, she sounds pretty cool getting tough over text message (insert sarcasm here).
On the plus side, if push comes to shove you have that in writing now!
Way to be a stand-up guy and keep the best interests of the kids in mind!
Thanks guys. Got another one today. Asking who was sick cause S1 is sick.
I replied none, my mom mentioned a cough she had, he got his vitamins everyday and ate well.
Then I awaited the inevitable tirade that would be unleaded on me. It didn't come. She said he threw up last night and this am.
I said I am sorry he isn't well. Hope he get better soon. Asked how S3 was.
She said fine they are ok now.
I mentioned a table manner issue I had with S3 and she said she would watch for it as she hadn't seen it.
That was it. I was taken aback that I didn't get a blast. So te good days continue.
Oh I got a happy belated yesterday when she saw the stuff D12 and S9 had made for me on the car seat with her mail. I just smiled am said thanks.
Went out to coach handball tonight. I chose to miss last practice to spend time with the boys. It's great to get out and man I realized how bad my cardio is!
Having a couple hours enjoying teaching and taking to friends( other coaches are friends of mine). Is great, plus the work out we do helps me.
At the end of every practice head coach leads some core exercises. Now this guy is 6'2. 270lbs and it's not rippling muscle. But his core strength is incredible! These kids are struggling and dropping like flies. I am hanging in best I can and holding out longer than most, this guy doesn't even strain.
Tomorrow I have a busy day, took the day off and am going to use it to get my shoulder x Ray done. Get in a work out and go see L. It's been a week since I made the app. So a lot of the anger I used to fuel the call is gone, I want to use this to know what is best for me in my sitch. I fully trust this L as the other times I have seen him he simple explained what I need to do, how and where I can do it on my own if I want and if I need he will be there to be the pitbull. It is a little funny because W turned me into this L as her mom used him for her D and If I hadn't been in contact with him prior to bday she 100% would have gone to him already or his firm.
I am not using him as a scare tactic, only because he is the best for me and his cost is not u reachable.
I did realize today that I am still very caught up in trying to keep the peace with WW. I get anxious when I sense she is angry or upset and feel the need to explain myself or defend even before she potentially releases the anger. I'm not sure if it is co dependant behaviour or lack of self worth or self esteem issues. Whatever it is I do want it to stop. To stop worrying about what WW or anyone has to think about me for that matter. I can't control people's opinions or thoughts of me, I know that, living and practicing that knowledge is different though.
Someday I will find what I am looking for, or I won't. I may find something greater.
Everything is going as I had hoped it would today. I got a good nights sleep I was up and off to the doctor to get my shoulder x-rayed I will hear about that in a few days. I go to the gym and put it to good solid hour and headed out to meet my lawyer . After talking to him I feel really good about my situation he said everything looks to be handled well and to just continue on the course legally. As far as you know the 50-50 situation is just keep that as long as I can as the courts will look at that is the norm.
No I'm on my way home with an opportunity to stop and do some shopping for myself. So if anyone has any suggestions as to what I should spend the money I have on myself I am open to suggestions
Sounds like you are having a good day, Tyler! I'm so glad to hear it. You deserve it. I hope there's nothing seriously wrong with your shoulder. Keep us posted!
By the way, I'm sure Tim and Thornton can direct you on where to do your retail therapy :-)!
Hi Tyler12. I'm a bit late but happy belated birthday. Good job ignoring WW complaints about kids wanting to live with you and kids getting sick immediately after returning from you. Those are no win arguments that can easily get out of hand. Nice job.
I hear you about wanting to keep the peace with WW and constantly trying to defend your actions. I still often feel that way and want to defend my actions. Another no win sitch. I figured out that my feelings like that originated as a response to my Dad. At one point I wanted to be a lawyer because I always felt I was defending myself against all sorts of stuff. Throughout my M and throughout this separation process I had been doing the same with my WW. WW wasn't actually attacking me when times were good so it just frustrated her. I just needed to be a man and let my actions speak for themselves. Throughout the S process, she expected it and it just led to her digging deeper into her position regardless of whether it was logical or nonsensical. I still have to be conscientious about not defending myself but it can be done. I know you can do it as well. It will help you become a man only a fool would leave and I suspect the ladies dig it and respect you for not worrying about having to defend yourself.
Hope you enjoyed your day off and retail therapy.
So I realized the other day I busy every night of the week now except Thursday's and weekends. Weekends are fine as I either have my kids or I can chose to do whatever I like. Thursday's I have designated cleaning/ getting life stuff together night. So I am happy that I have something to do every night.
Ww has been civil lately. I respond when I feel like it and try not to worry too much about what she thinks. She had some questions about S3 playing soccer here and then "accidentally" called but then decided it's easier to talk than text.
We talked about activities for S3 and that I would check out what all is available while where she is has no U4 stuff for him.
She mentioned them going camping this weekend and meeting Sunday or Monday.
It felt good to say Monday works fine for me. Hope the boys have fun camping I will call S3 later. And I ended it there.
She may have been temp checking by being so talkative or by calling. That's fine for her. My life is busy and I am happy.
There is times I miss the companionship from W, I find myself asking if she is what I want in my life though. I have been severely hurt by her twice now and I personally think that I am an idiot for considering wanting her back.
Like I said. I am lonely sometimes, those times are fleeting I find things to do instead. Summer is coming and I will be able to get out more. In the yard and into my garden and flower beds. Ball season is starting soon, camping season. Patio season!
It's been awhile since I posted anything on here. Mostly because there is really nothing to report. I have been living my life that's all.
I did realize that if I am left alone with nothing to do I get Ansy to go do something. Anything. As much as I have been getting along fine GaL and moving forward I find it hard to be totally alone and just sit with my thoughts.
Maybe that's something I have to start doing so I can truly understand where I am at. Most days I am quite happy with my life, I accept that M is over and to be honest I don't see any R in the future, it hurts a bit still however I am becoming more ok with it.
I have asked myself a lot lately that even if W were to try and talk to me about R that I may just tell her I am done. That I too needed to find my happiness and honestly i am. Without her, I don't want to give that up for her either.
My therapist asked me if I wanted to keep coming back last time I saw her. Said to call and make an appointment if I wanted. I have come a long way since the first time I walked into her office. It's not that I feel done, just done with her. The last session was very frustrating for me and left me with a bad taste in my mouth.
So I guess that's where I am. I have my boys this week so I have a lot to keep me busy. Hope everyone had a good weekend.
Again. Long time since I posted anything. I have been busy with my kids over Easter and just doing what I have been doing.
There is no real change on M front and I don't foresee there being any.
I did notice ExW is more chatty and friendly now but I'm going to stay away from that completely.
W did throw me for a loop the other day when we met to exchange the boys. I had my older 2 kids as well and she hasn't seen her step kids in over a month. And this day she talked to them more than she has in 2 months. Gave them hugs. After I started driving she asked me how they are doing and how they are coping. I took some time and thought it through. It really messed me up.
Her not asking about older 2 has been a major issue I have had with this. Then she asks how they are coping? I was tempted to say since when do you care? However I said good. School is better S is excited to start a new sport and D loves dance still.
She replied something about knowing D would love dance. And I never responded except to say we got home safe.
I went through a few days of missing W. Like there had been some unsaid dynamic change. And it was weird because I have been good for over a month, then this creeps back one day. The meet was is the middle of it. So that didn't trigger it.
When we met we did chat a little. She complained about work like she always does if she chat. I smile and validate. Nothing else to do really.
So that is me right now. Hope all is well with everyone else. I'm going to try to get into the habit of reading g here and posting more.
Keep posting, Ty. Even as you move forward and get stronger, I'm sure many here can offer good suggestions to make the days and nights easier.
I really have nothing much to post. It's been awhile and I am just living my life. I have my youngest 2 every other week. So I see W every week. And the exchanges are fine. There is no pursuing by me as I don't see any reason to. If she were to ever want to R she has to win my heart is how I see it. Will she ever try? I don't care. I have honestly become pretty indifferent to anything she does. Which for the most part I don't hear it know about. When we meet to exchange the boys the last couple times she has seemingly made an effort to chit chat. It's all about her life and whatever else is going on, I listen and get out of there ASAP. As I know OM is still around.
The meetings are quickly becoming similar to that of meeting my first W. Where it's quick greetings and I forget what was even said before I leave. The last meeting where W asked about the older 2 kids doesn't weigh in my mind anymore. It was a one off because she saw them for the first time in months.
As for myself I need to get back out of my comfort zone and get back into my GaL activities. I still do some. It just feels like I have no energy to do them all anymore. Lol. Or time. It's getting so nice out I don't find myself needing to find things to occupy myself anymore. I'm content to sit alone. Or work outside.
The main thing is I know I will be alright. I am going to rock being a dad. I am going to rock loving myself. I have my kids, family, friends and my health. What more do I need?
Hey good update,
Keep posting.
I do have a question that I have been mulling over and it's a tough call for me to make.
Last weekend that I had all 4 of my kids we skyped with MiL. She asked to skype to talk to the kids which is fine. She still posts stuff in FB about the older 2 still being her grandkids. Which is fine. Doesn't bother me.
What I have been thinking about is she asked if I would come out with the all the kids to spend a week or so with them this summer. Now. It's a big trip. 2 days of driving. With 4 kids.
So. On one hand it would be a blast for myself and for the kids. They kids love the in laws. It would be good for the kids and for a get away for myself.
On the down side it feels weird to me to go see them. And anti progressive for myself and moving on. At what point does your personal wants/ DB outweigh probably what is best for the kids? It would be great for the kids and me. Not great for letting W and that life go
those people will be a part of your life forever. i say go.
I still do things with my w family, as a matter of fact her father and i are sort of in business together on something
Good point OTW. I never thought of it like that. Yea they will always be part of my life. That helps more than you know.
Tyler, i just had lunch a couple weeks ago with my MIL, and FIL. They will always be in my life.
Hi Tyler12. I just took my D3 to visit my soon to be ex FIL and his wife on Monday while returning from a trip. I also just spoke with soon to be exMIL because her husband broke his hip.
I didn't mention it to WW nor did I do it to get back with her. D3 really enjoyed her visit to FIL an it just seemed like the right thing to do calling MIL.
Continuing to wish you the best.
I had a great week with the my boys and weekend with my kids. W called a couple times to talk to S3. He is never interested tho. Says hi. That's about it.
Almost every day he says he doesn't like mommy. He wants to stay with me forever. He tells it to her too. I tell him mommy loves him very much and he has friends there etc...
W likes to throw the blame on anyone but herself. The latest is it is d12 and s9 that got s3 saying that because she asked s3 where he heard it. Come on.
Them after meeting today to exchange the boys she asks if I still have that cat! I gave it away almost 2 months ago after I asked if she wanted it!
Them texts me S1 took 3 steps. I replied. Awesome did you get a video? Cause i got one the other day. And she replies all mad that I didn't tell her. I replied that i didn't feel it necessary as she had talked about him doing it all the time. And I get it doesn't matter. Bound to happen eventually.
I am so beyond over the bs and backwards crap that comes from this stranger I used to know. And for some reason beyond my comprehension, I still love her. Or believe I do.
It struggle between is it her I love. Or the idea of the companionship we had. Either way. I don't want the person she is now in my life in any kind of R way or M way.
As for myself. I have now gone a week without a cigarette. I decided last Monday I done. It's not easy haha. And I feel like I am eating way too much to make up for the cravings.
Also spring is here and I am able to get out into the yard and flower beds. Hopefully het planting soon and get into the veggie garden too. Make this place as nice as I can so I can hopefully sell it this summer.
Sound like your moving along pretty good brother. Good job with not smoking for a week. Keep up the good work.
Ok. So. For whatever reason W sends me a text tonight. It's one of those poem meme things that really has nothing new to say. I mean it literally could have been sent to me anytime from bDay.
It was I tried until o couldn't anymore and you didn't care etc etc kind of deal. And I really have no reason to respond. It didn't get me spinning just thinking of her and why now 6 months later.
Best I can surmise is I don't care and she's still angry. Sounds like a her problem.
Although I did consider responding with who is this? Or did you mean to send that 6 months ago? Something that would just throw fuel on the fire if she is burning.
No real question here just thought I would share for some insight. I don't miss her because of this. However it has me attempting to mind read.
Oh well time to work out instead I guess
Tyler always try to take the high road buddy. You don't need to respond and maybe by sending that is exactly what she wants.... to know you still care enough to get angry and sucked into a fight. Who knows??? maybe it will bother her more that you do not respond. Angry WW do not seem to know what to do with non angry Hs.
Ya I am actually watching a movie other than the thread here I am not thinking about it to be honest
Let me mind read for you. She is having a bad day and wants to bring you into it to blame you for her issues. Stay away, let her deal with her own problems.
I actually laughed to myself that she is still angry. I couldn't help but mind read for a bit. I figure OM and her fought or I got her spinning yesterday when I was talking to S3 on the phone.
Bad day or not like you said. Not my problem.
Still not a lot to update. Life is going along well. Between coaching and gal things are good.
S3 started t-ball this last week and loved it. I planned all the summer holidays dates with my kids and discussed them with the respective mothers. Big 180 for me to plan that stuff. If I want them when I want that's what I have to do tho.
I am planning on taking a trip to see inlaws with the all the kids. I don't expect ExW to be happy about it, she can suck it up. From what she has told me she doesn't talk to her family anymore.
Her choice. I don't talk to her often. Only about the kids if there is a question about exchange. She tends to small talk when we meet. I listen and get out of there ASAP.
I don't want to spend any time with her o don't have to. She lasted "on her own". Like she wanted maybe a month. Now she is living g at OM house. Probably smart on her part. Saves a lot of money.
Personally I have been thinking of getting g the D started. We have to have been apart for a year to get a D or one party has to admit to adultery or abuse. However we can get everything ready and then At a year it's done.
I am happier in the last month or so than I have been in a long long time. So this was a blessing in disguise. I am very thankful for everyone who supported and slapped me around when I needed it. I'll still be back from time to time. I have been very busy and summer is coming.
3 weeks cigarette free! Pretty proud of that too.
Well I thought there was a bit of a shift. And it's possible there still may be. Or it's nothing at all.
A couple weeks ago I decided I am done with the firm NC. As i felt like it made me angry at everything. It wasn't what I wanted, so I made the change and was talkative and not dismissive. It felt much better to communicate this way
After that W initiated contact that night and we texted for about 20 minutes about the boys and little things like that. She said a couple things that were different from how she normally has been talking. Like calling s1 our son instead of by name.
I went on with the rest of my week and though she was on my mind a bit more than usual I was fine. Personally I have started to be open to looking to meet new people. I'm not about to go after someone, I am not closed to the idea of someone tho.
Then on the weekend I was away with my team I have been coaching for the final tournament of the year. I had a blast with them and the other coaches. I used te chance to try new things. To be happy and feel good. And it was! Then randomly Friday afternoon she starts texting me.
Asking about how this friend is. How this couple is. How my work is. etc. and I answered. It really threw me off because it is like she ran and never looked back.
Today when we met to switch the boys she was happy and talkative. Until I told her I am planning on taking all the kids out to visit her family. That pissed her off
She left right away and it didn't take her long to start spewing at me about how now her parent and mine are controlling and manipulative. How I became a wedge between her and her family. ( her family rarely talks to her since this).
However unlike previous times I didn't get sucked into a fight and stood up. I told her that her family are te type of people that make their decisions based on the info they are provided. That though I did talk to them at the beginning she would probably be surprised at how much less I talked to them than she thinks, regardless they are all adults and are able to make their own choices with the info they are given.
She stayed angry for a bit and then apologized for getting mad at me. That it was a kick in the stomach to her. And that the kids deserve to see the family. After that she started talking about the older 2 kids, asking how they've been and that she thinks about them all the time. Still loves them.
During the spew she said a lot of things like re stating what she said when she left. That we are done. This is why, Etc. then changed her attitude and realized she shouldn't be mad at me about it. Which was huge.
Most of me really believes she is talkative more because she wants a friendship, some friends said tho. She could have asked anyone the questions. And why care. After not talking for a few hours Friday she texts good luck in the tourney. I mean. Why bother reaching out to me
I still miss her and would love to be a family. I am also ok with where I am in my life right now. I am doing so much better deep down instead of telling myself I'm ok. I feel ok.
Everything is moving forward.
And even after an angry outburst. Followed by an apology she still texts me about random stuff she could have googled or asked anyone else.
Whether anything happens or not I find ib fine. I feel happier lately and have stuck to my changes. Not to the extreme I did change. A happy medium tho. One that doesn't completely exhaust me
I am happy I am a better person and laughing that he didn't want to see it and won't.
At what point do you say to hell with it all and give up any hope. I have run the gambit of emotions over this. It has only been 6 months yet it feels like years.
So far I have been living my life. I am quite happy 99% of the time. I have thins to do all the time, activities planned. Yet part of me still feels that pull to Ex. That sting of the A. The anger of her lies.
It only took 1 to 1-1/2 months of her "doing it on her own" before she moved in with OM. It partially hurts. Mostly makes me sad for my boys. s3 hates it and I can tell.
Also S3 has no problem saying I want it live with daddy. I don't like mommy. And it doesn't change depending where he is at. It is the same no matter where he is. Ex was talking to S3 this morning and the convo was fine until S3 asked where she was at. She said OM house. S3 immediately said love you mom bye and hung up. Total change in attitude as soon as she said that.
Do you think she will ever clue in? Doubtful.
Personally I think I have to slow down. Tomorrow night will be the first night in 2 weeks I haven't had something going on after work. Be it coaching or playing a sport or taking S3 to t ball. I feel like I had too much on my plate.
It all takes me back to my question. I love how my life is now. The changes I made and stuck to. It's too bad W didn't stick around to see them
At what point do you say to hell with it all and give up any hope.
And what would "giving up any hope" look like? What would be different about your life?
I never thought of it in that sense. If one is detached there would be no worry about letting go.
I am looking at my life and wanting to decide or chose whether I am moving forward or movin g on. Am I detaching or just going g to let it go and be done with W. More time needed I guess.
It's six months almost 7 in to this ordeal and she still likes to remind me that we are both happier now. That so much happened between us and we won't be together again.
When she tells me these things I can see she is trying to bait me into a fight. It doesn't work and she switches to being nice or at least civil.
It's sad that she still only sees the bad. Them the fact she seems to be repeating things like that we are happier apart. This is better. Etc seems like she is trying to convince herself not just me.
This came up again when I met her to exchange the boys and S3 didn't want to go and was upset. She texted saying she doesn't like that and doesn't know why he does it. Because he is happy to come to me. Hates leaving.
I straight out told her. What are you going to do? He is unhappy because he wants us together. To which I got "not happening"and I didn't respond.
When she said we are happier together all I responded was that I see that I took a lot for granted and now I see what I have and realize how blessed I am.
When this stuff comes up tho. How do I tell her I am happy because I am and yet that I want to share it with her. That she is missing out on the best me that there has been.
I am in no way going to bring it up myself. It just seems to me that tho the communication isn't the topic I desire it is at least there.
She doesn't want to hear that and she's not ready to hear that.
When she responded "not happening" to you, she is seeing you bring that up as a way to make her change her mind. I know you are just stating a fact, but she is seeing it as "please come back to me so we can be a family again." She probably went home and told OM that you're still begging her to come back.
That's why we follow the rules. They are to protect YOU. We GAL for us. We live for ourselves and our kids. We let our WWs dig their own holes; they have to come to their own conclusions and we can't influence that with our words.
I'm glad that you're happier then you've been. You shouldn't tell her that you are, you should show her that you are.
And don't invite her back; you don't need her. She needs to earn her way back now, if she decides that's what she wants.
If she thinks she can come back whenever she feels like it, then there's no incentive to come back.
Hey mowgli. Glad to hear from you.
She can take what I sai however she likes. I do not see any reason for me to "take" her back.
About the happiness, I haven't told her anything I do without her asking. Then I don't go into specific detail she must have picked up the feeling I am from how I talk about things. How the kids brag about the things we do. And no of what I do is for her to see. It's for me and my kids to have memories.
I haven't read up on you mowgli. I hope you are in a happy place as well. I am really glad you stopped by
Hey!
Yeah, I'm doing well right now. W and I are in a good place right now. I've set boundaries for me and it's paying dividends every day.
I have so much more confidence after all of this. I feel like we're back on even footing, if that makes sense.
Just journaling.
It seems most of the anger is passed from W. We can talk about finances or kids without her loosing her mind. Other than that nothing from her
Myself I find myself lonely when I am alone. I have continued GAL. I play slo pitch. I Started a men's handball night locally and help out friends with things they need like one buddy is doing Renos. I tend to have plans for every weekend I have the kids.
Yet there is that hour or 2 some nights where I am just alone and I hate it. I just want someone to talk to. To smile and laugh with. I honestly don't care if it's ex. Just someone to spend time with.
Anyone else find GaL to be exhausting or am I over doing it. It has become part of my life to be doing something all the time with or without the kids. And it's beating the crap out of me haha.
It is nice to have this change in my life tho. To be enjoying it instead of how I was before bday. I guess I do have to thank ex for that.
The change I made In how I interact with her did make a positive change tho. I'm not jumping at every moment, she seems much less angry now that I don't get effected by her emotions. When talking I did find her topics to be negative still. How her work [censored] and maybe her life isn't as full of rainbows and unicorn sparkle farts as she thought it would be. While when she sees me I am smiling and legitimately enjoying myself.
Looking forward to camping with friends and kids this weekend, It's supposed to rain which doesn't make for fun camping, where I live is so dry tho the rain is welcome.
Well we got some camping in. The kids and I had a awesome time. Making memories and playing in puddles. Drinking some beers around a fire with friends. I am very happy we went even though it's a lot of work getting packed up for 4 kids and myself.
The kids all are exhausted and Loved going, then here I sit now they are content while I have this feeling of emptiness or loneliness because I can't share this feeling with the person I used to make these memories with.
I have a house full of love with my kids and I feel alone in it. Most times I feel like this I just miss the companionship. This time tho, I miss W
Tyler,
I too feel that GAL can be exhausting at times. I keep telling myself that I'd rather be exhausted than sitting around with nothing to do. I think there is a balance out there and someday hope I find it.
I'm sorry you are feeling alone and empty. This is tough stuff to go through and I don't think you can avoid those types of feelings. Someday, your kids might be telling their mates about the camping trips they took with dad and all the fond memories they have. Keep thinking about that.
I know they will have fond memories. As I have memories of times like this weekend from when I was a child. It does make me smile knowing that they are happy and healthy. That I am able to do this on my own.
Today feels like a step back I guess, in the grand scheme 7 months is t that long, I had been feeling so good for months now. Absolutely fine. Then today I have a ton of emotion pouring through me
What's hard is having no one to talk to about things. I have acted as if for so long anyone that would have listened is going to ask wtf happened. When all it is is that I just want to vent. Things get pent up when you have no one to express emotions to.
I know. That's why I keep posting here. It is an outlet. I've also written numerous emails that I never intended on sending, just to get the words out.
If you feel the need to vent, you might be able to find someone who will listen. I reached out to someone in a moment of desperation and they turned out to be a great listener. When I first started venting to them I started regretting it, thinking it was a mistake to talk to them. I never expected they would become a great sounding board and even provide some good advice.
I am sure someone else has dealt with being good for months and them getting hit like a truck.
This camping trip really set me back it feels. I haven't been this emotional or cried this much since early on. It's frustrating and it really makes me feel like I have made zero progress
In the biggest way all I want is to actually talk to MIL about it all. She always felt like the one who listened best. Yet I know I can't. It leaves me with the forum and myself.
I do have to see W today to exchange the boys. And it's never fun because s3 doesn't like going with her. Then W gets defensive and thinks we need to change the visitation. When in reality S3 just wants a family again.
I don't know why I stopped posting here. I felt good and like I was pretty much moved on. Man I was wrong. Haha.
the exchange went better than it usually does. s3 was upset as usual. I was able to talk to him and make things better.
I really felt as tho WW was going out of her way to brag or talk about some good things coming up in her life. Like selling the car to get a new truck. Which she mentioned new truck 2-3 times until I finally just stated. That's nice. Are you selling the car? ( that we just bought a year ago) She explained why and asked if I wanted to buy the car. I look at her and said No. She seemed taken aback and asked if I said no.
There was a few other things she seemed to want me to know, it really felt like her wanting to share how great her life is, or over compensate so I think it's great.
Next weekend should be fun. I normally would have all 4 kids however t has to be different. I will have younger 2 on Friday, drive to where older 2 live Saturday as D12 has final dance recital that I want to see and I will spend time with all 4 there. Then S3 has a tball game at home Sunday which WW is coming up to watch and then take the boys back with her.
this will as far as I know be her first time back in my town since she moved out in January. Possible first time back in our house. I have no idea if she is coming alone or not. It should be interesting.
Other than that I need to get out of the bit of a funk I have let myself slide into. Not sad, more lazy and not wanting to do anything. Yet I know it feels good when I get out and do things. Lacking motivation I guess
Hang in there, bud!
You're on the right track, just stay with it. If she's going out of her way to try and show you how great everything is, chances are they aren't. Remember that.
She still has a lot of anger with me. It's impossible to discuss our boys right at this time without her getting angry and spewing venom when she doesn't hear what she likes.
After the summer she wants to change from week in week off to every other weekend with the boys. As she believes they are getting bounced and S3 has said he doesn't like switching so much. And that is fine. I agree that it's hard on them going back and forth so much.
However she assumes that they will live with her. And when I express my belief that they are happier with me and that I understand it won't be easy for me I think it's best for them with me.
S3 is always crying that he wants to stay with me. That he doesn't like mommy or OM house. And I get anger and venom like how I couldn't do it. And that she won't fight. She will see me in court about it. And this one was the best
"not doing this to me. I wouldnt give up the boys for the world. But I never should have gone back to you after the first time I kicked u out. "
In the past that would have hurt. Now I see it is just words of an angry woman. Still working on herself.
I was able to not reply to her venom. Tho I almost wrote back saying "I am sorry she feels that way and that she still has such anger towards me. I do only have my children's best interest at heart. ".
I have left it for now. For the last week or so I have had the largest urge to talk to MIL about it all. Not sure why tho. Just a feeling that she would understand. mIL is a woman true to her word and she told W that she wouldn't support her in this. And since W left W's family hasn't really talked to her.
I get blamed for that too. I don't want to make it worse tho. It's a long road and I feel like I am just leaving the start. Tho I know I have changed myself a lot. For the better
Well. I talked to SIL about ExW. I fully understand that it is not following Sandis guild line or rules. No matter who I talked to about Ex never relieved the gut feeling of expressing myself to someone about her anger.
I also realized that what was stopping me from taking to her family is a fear of it getting back to her and "ruining" and R chances. Well. I am pretty much past the R idea. Sure I miss W like this last weekend. I do my fear her anger like I used to. And tho it still effects me. It doesn't send me spinning.
Anyway. I asked SIL if W has always been short fused and grudge holding and I missed it? And she said ya pretty much. Then SIL asked me if I was planning on taking the boys from W... My how quickly things get twisted. So I said lets talk instead of me typing this all out.
I gave SIL my stance on the custody of the boys. That I want 50-50 to stay yet w believes every other weekend would be better and is now mad that I questioned why she believes the boys should just live with her and now I am taking them away... It made me laugh how distorted stories get when people twist them to make me out to be a bad guy.
Well SIL saw through it and said honestly. The boys would be better with me. From what she has heard. w is acting like a teen still. Out drinking every weekend. Even when she has the boys and apparently driving after drinking with the boys. To the point that another SIL was tempted to call child services on W because of the stories W had been telling of her exploits.
If I need to fight with W for fair custody of my children I will. Not a doubt in my mind. And if a judge decides W is better. Then that's fair I won't appeal, I want what is best for my children no matter what that is.
As for this news of her putting my children in danger with her drinking. That I will be looking into as best I can to keep my children safe.
Latest news. I honestly believe W reality may be checking in a bit. She is so full of anger and venom right now. It is possible it's just the time of the month for her or her fantasy world isn't as shiney as she thought it was.
Anything I get from her is spew. Below the belt anger to try and start a fight. And I have no need for a fight. I like thinking and calmly responding. If needed.
I will defend myself if needed because I am not afraid of her anger like I was. Yes it effects me in a way. Not like it used to. Where I felt I had to fix it. Now it's well. Be angry. [censored] to be you.
I'm tired. Of all of it.
I'm tired of thinking of her everyday
I'm tired of thinking there is a chance for us to be together.
I want it all to stop and let me live my life. I am finding my way slowly into where I want to be. Yet I still find some decisions to be effected by her. I ask myself. What would W think of me if she saw me doing this? Would this show her I have changed? I want my decisions to be mine.
She dropped the bomb 7 months ago. And left the house 4 months ago. It's still pretty early I understand. I had hoped j would be further along by now tho
Here are my thoughts about the W's spewing related to her time of the month. I understand that some women legitimately suffer from PMS. I did not have that problem, but suffered terribly for 24 yrs from Endometrosis, which is basically going into labor every month......there's just not a baby delivered. So, I understand pain related to menstration!
I just know a lot of women who use the "excuse" that their nasty, rotten, mean behavior is b/c of having their periods. It is only a crutch to use, in case someone's strong enough to call their hand on her sorry a$$ behavior. Just as some women use that time to go to bed, lay around and escape the chores of housework. Being on edge, crying, fatigue, impatience, is one thing.......but if the family is running in terror of her, it's time she had something done......or get an attitude adjustment.
I suppose it also depends upon how much attention, or lack thereof, that she receives during that time. Just to be fair, I have wanted to get a few dumb a$$ men by their ears and yank some sense into them, about what their W's were dealing with every 28 days.....and how he might think about offering to help out a little more with small children, etc. So........you have to use good sense and judgement in these cases.
Some women legitimately are suffering badly, and have to get off their feet and seek relief however they can. Don't mistake me to believe all females are faking, and every woman is cut from the same menstration cookie cutter. They, indeed, are very individual. I am just saying they should not be excused for spewing intentional, disrespectful, verbal attacks on her H and/or children. If she has a "habit" of turning into a screaming shrew once a month........and she won't let her H calmly talk with her about what they can to do alleviate things..........then maybe he needs to think about addressing the home atmosphere and what is best for all who has to endure this period every month. There is so much more help for women now, than there were years ago.
Anyway, back to the subject of her spewing (periods or not), I do not join the ranks on the board who say to wear a spew jacket. I think the more you allow her to spew on you.......the more she disrespects you. I mean think about it. She is verbally votiming all over you, and you just stand there while she does it? I don't think any man should take it. In the first place, if she has a legitimate physical reason.........she needs to get medial help. (If she has a mental/emotional problem, she needs to get help with that, too). And the second place? She didn't treat you that way before M, I'll bet. She knows who she can throw up on, and who she can't. I doubt she would do her boss, the Pastor/Priest, a respected member of .........whatever, someone she wanted to impress, etc. It causes me to believe it is a choice behavior.
Spewing has a selective audience.
First. Thank you Sandi for commenting. I have always appreciated your perspective and I hoped you were still reading my story.
Second. If I in anyway offended anyone with my pms comment above that was not my intention and I apologize. It was a comment made with no merit to it and entirely as a joke at my ex wife's expense.
I agree with you Sandi about not taking. The spew. Is arguing back even calmly going to be a bad thing? No probably not. Why should I take her anger. He anger wasn't because of menstratuon. It was because she is mad.
After expressing that I think we should look at who the boys live with tho I believe the 50-50 is best she immediately saw it as I am trying to take her boys away. I know this because her sister texted me asking if that is what I was doing. And if so that it's not a bad idea....
So instead of her seeing that I want to work with her regarding the children, she gets mad, there is no reason I should be brow beat by someone thy couldn't give any less of a thought about me.
The cycling of emotions is what I believe is the most tiring of this process.
It's like a spinning wheel with anger, sadness, belief, hate, indifference, happiness, acceptance. And a long long list of others, that just keeps spinning.
Last week I would have loved to have w return. This week I am in a happier place. Questioning if I want her back. Her A fog is still strong and nothing will change until she shakes the fog. Which could be never. I don't know.
Last night tho was the first time that I prayed for W that if she ever feels any want to talk that she has the strength to put aside her pride or shame, and talk to me. It has been months since I prayed for anything but for things to be better within my life with my kids and all. That I have the strength to stay the course and have the wisdom to do what is right.
Yes I still talk to in laws. Very very rarely about the M or W. Just kids and plans for summer etc. if my family was at all interesting or doing anything worth talking about I would add them The problem I am having tho is when I do want to talk to someone. I don't really have anyone left. Friends and family are past the point of wanting to chat and tho I appreciate the forums, I crave communication with people.
Hey Tyler, how about an update?
Hey all, its been awhile. Summer is a busy time. Thank you for checking in Sandi. I have been doing well everything is moving along is it should I suppose.
There's really not much to report as far as any M is concerned. W is still with OOM and I have my boys and kids every other week and that's where it sat there doesn't seem to be any venom this week or last couple weeks anyway. And actually I am really enjoying myself
I went to a Friends wedding a few weekends ago and I found myself out on the dance floor all night talking to all types of women with zero expectations whatsoever and Jim way with the phone number that didn't pan out but it doesn't matter the fact that I am able to still talk to people and feel attractive and be attractive to someone else's huge to me
I try my best to get out to all the time into my gardens and flowers tomorrow is a Nother friends birthday that is going to be a full day of slow pitch and a potluck supper with a thrift store themed dinner . The theme is a thrift store formal select the best you can for under 20 bucks and I've been looking forward to it for a few weeks now
There's really nothing to complain about them happy and healthy kids are the same W has been friendly and joking little bit lately which is weird but I don't dwell on it at all. Oh and I got a hold of a mediator and I'm going to continue to talk to couple others till I can find when I like and have them talk to W so we can get this hold the rolling because I would like it to be over as soon as it candy I hate living my life the way I don't want it which is an open marriage part of me definitely what's her to feel pain by having this divorce however that's her issue if she does.
School and all I'm doing well I get a lonely from time to time and wish I could share my day with somebody sitting beside me and someday I will just one day at a time.