Hi everyone, I have been reading about people's situations on this forum for a couple of weeks trying to find help and tips for my current situation. I feel it's time for my own and see what everyone thinks about my situation.
My wife of 2 1/2 years moved out 3 weeks ago. I knew something had to happen I could feel the build up for a while we were both not very happy. The last week she was at home she was struggling to get any sleep and I would ask why she would say "I can't turn my head off" then eventually one night she said she wasn't happy at all and was grumpy all the time and didn't like the person she was. She was very upset and neither of us slept that night. The next morning she moved to her parents house.
We have been together 5 1/2 years and lived together for most of that. We have a 1 1/2 year old daughter. The last couple of years have been very tough due to my wife's health conditions we had to use IVF to have our daughter it took a lot of time,money and stress.
So my current situation is wife has moved into her own apartment with our daughter moved in a week ago. Says she's not happy and ILYBNILWY. I have been following ideas and tips on here I'm trying to give her time because I think she is confused about what she really wants in life right now, I asked about counseling and she said " let's give it a month or two and if we both want to we can" I have been trying for the last few days to have no contact so she has a chance to see how she feels without me but everyday she finds a reason to contact me but then turns it so it's like I needed to speak with her. I am 30 and my wife is 25. I really think she has had a lot of stress and in her head is starting to question her whole life and isn't sure what she wants. I know this is going to take time and I'm not expecting any miracles where she just shows up back at home like nothing happened. Any ideas welcome. Thankyou
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Welcome, Albac.
What can you tell us about your marriage?
What has W complained about?
Make sure you read Cadet's homework. It's critical.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
"let's give it a month or two and if we both want to we can"
She's telling you exactly what she wants -- your best bet is to do that. Give her space for a months or two, limit contact as you have been doing, and do your own thing.
I know it's *crazy* painful, but put a date on your calendar for two months from now, at which point you'll reassess, and in between now and then *do nothing* to overtly work on your relationship. Just give her the space she wants.
Go out and do your own thing, take care of you, take care of your daughter.
Anything you do to pursue her right now will push her farther away from you. If you give her what she's asking for you're giving her the best gift you can.
Agree with great advice above ^^^
You found this forum at the beginning. Learn from my mistakes: don't beg, plead or pursue. Give time and space. No forced talks about the M.
Focus on you. Show her the "you" she fell in love with. Be great dad, too.
You can do this!
Thanks Accuray,
I was just worried that when she said that was a reply to me asking her to do counseling and it might have just been away to avoid giving a true answer but I'm not sure. I am trying my hardest to limit contact but almost everyday she contacts me in some way. Either text messages which I'm trying to reply to the point and be vague without hanging onto the contact or she sends me photos of my daughter which I can't ignore. It's been tough to deal with but it feels like whenever she is finally alone at night by herself in her new place she needs to contact me in some way just to make sure I'm still there and keep me hanging on? It's hard to explain but so far there has only been one day with no contact at all.
Thanks Broke, I am trying my best and other then the second day after she left I have out all my true feeling on hold of trying to pursue and convince her to come back and am putting on the brave face that I'm doing fine and happy doing my own thing. I have not mentioned the fact that she left or the marriage once because in her head right now she doesn't want to be married if I try and force the issue now and talk about the future I think she would say what she is currently feeling which is there is no future
She asked you for space, give it to her and trust that it is for the best. If she sends pictures of your daughter just reply with "cute" or "thank you" or whatever seems appropriate but brief.
Yes I'm sure she's reaching out to you to make sure you're still on the shelf. I'm sure she's scared about what she's doing and probably lonely if she's home alone and you are a security blanket.
That's all okay.
You also don't have to be available to her. You can be as available as you'd like. "Sorry can't talk out with friends" is a fine reply. Waiting until the next morning to reply is also fine.
If you lack the discipline not to respond right away, put your phone in "do not disturb" mode at the same time each night. That way it won't buzz and you won't know if you have a text until you decide to check it.
There was a woman on her a few years ago where her husband was doing the same type of thing -- pinging her every night. One night he called her and she was out at a bar with some friends having a good time and there were people singing in the background. That did wonders for her sitch. Don't put your life on hold -- go out and have fun, do things that make you happy. Don't be a spotlight shined directly on her.
Easy to say, hard to do, but the very best thing you can do by far.
Thanks Accuray,
you have pretty much covered exactly what I have been feeling and trying to do. And yes it is very hard to do but I believe for the greater good I can resist the temptations to contact her and have plenty of activities planned to keep my mind busy.
Yesterday was the first day of no contact at all. I had been trying to achieve this but most days she found some reason to contact me in some way. Although I know it had to be this way it also hurts a lot and I still can't get her out of my head for more then a few minutes. I guess all I can do is try to keep focus on me and my daughter and keep busy.
albac,
as you go through these threads you'll get an idea of who stands a chance, and who is toast - or at least has a very long, ugly road.
Honestly, you guys are so young and new - I swear I went through this with my W. This all sounds pretty sane, and nothing scary that I see.
Read and re-read the DR. Use it. Do Cadet's homework. There's an awful lot of hope for you - I'd trade places in a heartbeat. If only to be 30 again!
Do the disconnect, do the as-if's, do the 180's where applicable. Let her pursue. You've got the advantage of time (I don't), and you are communicating (I'm not).
You've got your D to think about - every thing you're about to go through is for not only you, but her. Remember though, you've got to put your oxygen mask on first.
Disclaimer: Don't listen to a work I'm saying because I screwed up a 30 year marriage - or let it get screwed up. Do listen to me when I say you're in the right place, and the best people in the world are right here.
work = word
ipad autocorrect = aghhh!
Thanks 1313,
I know I am probably not in as bad of a situation as others on here. I am just trying to give my marriage the best chance I can and I think all the experienced and helpful people on this forum are the best chance I have.
Thanks again and if anyone has any experience or tips that can help me I am very grateful.
Today Wife came over to pick up our D2 and came inside ended up staying for an hour we were talking fine having a laugh I was being friendly but only responding to conversation they she instigated. I thought it all went really well.
Two hours after she left my house she changed her name on Facebook deleting my surname. I know I really shouldn't care about this I just think it seems strange that she did it. Maybe she is trying to make me angry to create distance again? Or because I gave a strong impression that I was doing fine without her? I don't know it's hard to follow.
Any opinions welcomed.
Often what happens with a walkaway spouse is that they will do a "touch and go" where they will briefly warm up and be nice to you, then when they leave they panic that they have given you the impression that everything is now okay and they will come back, so they double-down on the distance and in some cases vitriol.
Don't ride the roller coaster -- no one thing she does or doesn't do is going to make much of a difference at all. She'll say all kinds of things that could have a hundred different meanings.
Just do your thing and be the best person you can be. She changed her name on Facebook, she can change it back if she wants to. If there's one thing this experience should prove to you it's that feelings can change.
Hello Albac,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Try not to put too much stock in social media. It is an easy way to get a quick reaction out of people. Don't take the bait! You can't believe any of what she says and only half of what she does.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
So since W moved out I have been using the tips and suggestions on here trying to detach and go as non contact as I can.
I believe I have been doing well only replying when she contacts me and not hanging on to conversation. I'm just wanting to know how others handle trying to go NC with children involved I think about seeing my daughter all the time but it involves me contacting W to organize it.
So I guess what I want to know is if I contact W asking to see my daughter does this go against everything I'm trying to achieve by going NC?
I hope everyone is having a good day. Stay strong.
Albac,
My H moved out in October and we came up with a parenting plan together. We used a calendar and plotted it out until the end of the school year. We still have to communicate about items related to the kids, but, he doesn't need to contact me every time he wants to see them. So, it is easier to detach when it has already been set up. Hope that helps...
Thanks Broke,
we have a phone app with a shared calendar that covers all of our arranged times this is more just for odd times that I have a day off work that was planned in advance but the calendar app has helped a lot.
Also I have been thinking about the financial side of things. I worked and brought in the money while she was a stay at home mum.
I have a well paying job and had no problem supporting the family. Since W left I haven't really worried about the finances I am still paying her phone bill as well as child maintenance and other things she needs.
Should I talk to W about her taking care of her own bills? Or will this push her away more?
It's a tough situation because she is so young and has never had to support herself it is a tough time for her that I really don't want to make harder but the other side is the harder it is maybe she will realize she didn't have things as bad as she thought? I'm just not sure how to go about it
Albac,
I am a SAHM, too. So far, my H and I still pay all the bills out of our joint checking account. My H has filed and, if he stops paying, we will have to go to court to get a maintenance order for him to continue. This is my understanding of how it works in my state. So, she may have to go file to get that maintenance if you "cut her off". I don't think you want her to file for D….
Also, I don't think it would endear you to her with thoughts of reconciliation if you do that…..that's not to say she shouldn't work. I am back substitute teaching and studying for my tests to update my teaching license. If she goes ahead with the D, she will eventually have to work. I am not sure how you would broach that subject though. Maybe some vets will have some better advice on that? I did it of my own accord….
So I have been trying my best to go NC since my W moved out only speaking when we have to about my daughter.
I feel like she is trying to make me angry or hate her. Everything I have done I have controlled myself and been polite but only having contact when needed and ending contact first not holding on or pursuing.
I believe I am giving a very good impression that I am fine without her and she really doesn't like it.
Is this something normal that is to be expected? Is there anything I should be doing differently? It's like the more I show that I am ok and doing fine the colder she is getting.
At the beginning when she moved out she was apologetic and always saying how sorry she was because I was visibly upset but now I appear as if I am doing fine on my own it's like it has made her very angry and she's trying to make me hate her or have a fight but I just keep in control and be polite.
Also I have been thinking about the financial side of things. I worked and brought in the money while she was a stay at home mum.
I have a well paying job and had no problem supporting the family. Since W left I haven't really worried about the finances I am still paying her phone bill as well as child maintenance and other things she needs.
Should I talk to W about her taking care of her own bills? Or will this push her away more?
It's a tough situation because she is so young and has never had to support herself it is a tough time for her that I really don't want to make harder but the other side is the harder it is maybe she will realize she didn't have things as bad as she thought? I'm just not sure how to go about it
You should check with a lawyer about your state's laws, if you want to push her to pay, as it may prompt her to file for divorce. They vary widely. For example, in my very liberal state, I bring in 95% of total income while my WW works only 15 hours a week. For temporary support (alimony), because there is such a big disparity between our incomes, I have to give her about 45% of my take-home (after taxes) pay even though we are sharing 50/50 custody! How is that fair? I'm not the one who cheated. The rationale is that I have to help maintain her "lifestyle" while we go through divorce.
So in your case, if you have the same laws, you will be forced to facilitate her new "lifestyle" and hand over a lot your money.
Hi CWOL, I am actually in Australia and the laws here basically from the day she moved out I had to start paying child support.
I am in a very similar situation to you I earn a very good income and I am forced to pay a lot of it to her because she works about 20 hours a week part time. So from that side of things other then a divorce I am already paying her exactly what the law says I have to.
I believe I am giving a very good impression that I am fine without her and she really doesn't like it.
There can be many reasons for this and best not to try to mind read. Chances are if you were pursuing her, or sad, or doing anything else she would also be angry with you and/or treat you poorly. It's not about you, it's about how she's feeling inside.
You need to stay the course regardless of what she says or does. You should expect tantrums, coldness, and periods of warmth followed by distance -- keep recognizing that it doesn't have anything to do with you and is not a reflection of what you're doing or not doing.
Often when we get into a bad situation we try to change what we're doing. If you're changing a long-established dynamic, the change itself is painful because it's unfamiliar. People often give up on their new course of action just because of the pain of the transition, falsely assuming it's not working, then go back to the same situation they couldn't take anymore. Stay the course and come out the other side of the tunnel and everything really will be better.
Keep doing what you're doing. You are not her insurance policy, you are not her emotional safety net. If she didn't want you to be happy by yourself she shouldn't have left. You don't owe her anything right now but to give her space and be the best person you can be.
Acc
Thanks Acc,
what you said makes a lot of sense now that I can I look at it that way. I have already had periods of coldness and warmth followed by more distance.
I will keep doing what I have been already, trying to make myself a better person and do the things I like to do and I guess I will find out in time how the rest plays out.
YES! That is all you can do -- to "do" anything else is just generating stress, anxiety, and negative feelings for you with no positive result. It's like when you're rowing a boat: I read somewhere that you get 75% of your speed with 35% of the effort (making those numbers up). To row faster and kill yourself with the effort doesn't get you to your goal sooner, it just wears you out.
My ex was brutal to deal with until I no longer cared, and then at that point she got very upset that I wasn't her friend and wanted more of my attention. You can't win with someone in the state of mind of your wife -- she's on a personal journey she has to see through to the end.
Acc
Another tough week with ups and downs but it does feel like its slowly getting better.
I am trying to have as little contact as possible and keeping up the DB but its really not happening.
My W sends me photos everyday of my daughter(lots of the photos with my W in them as well) on the days that i don't get to see my daughter. i try not to reply unless she asks a specific question but it is hard to resist the urge to talk.
I am still fairly confused about everything she says and does. She quite often sends me text messages and photos of just random things to get a response from me. I don't reply unless its important. One minute i feel like she is done and never coming back the next day she seems warm and loving.
Its a hell of a roller coaster ride but the result is these ups and downs are starting to have less effect on me as i'm doing my own thing and getting into a good routine.
I am wondering what experiences others have had? one minute shes telling me shes having a house warming party for her new place, which is fine shes allowed to do whatever she wants if she wants to party i'm not going to be happy about it but i acted as if it didn't bother me at all. Then she proceeds to tell me about how she is struggling being by herself and how things are not going right for her.
Its so hard to follow the changes and i really never expected her to tell me about things being hard for her? i thought no matter how hard things are for her living by herself that she would never show it or tell me about it?
When she drops of my daughter or picks her up from my place she tends to always hang around for an hour or so wanting to chat about nothing important and is in no hurry to leave? all of these things seem strange to me but maybe some people further down the track then i am will have some idea.
Hi Albac,
Your wife is scared by the changes she's making and feeling lonely when she's home alone. That doesn't mean she wants to reverse course, it only means that sometimes she is scared and lonely.
Other times she feels fine and feels good about her decision. The inconsistent behavior you're seeing is relative to her state of mind. If she hangs out with a friend all evening and talks and has a good time chances are she will seem cold to you because she's feeling fine in her situation.
If, on the other hand, she sits home alone, no one is available and she has no one to talk to, she may feel lonely and desperate.
In those scenarios, you are her "insurance policy on the shelf" and she will reach out to you as a comfortable and known source of emotional support.
Once again, these oscillations don't have anything to do with what you're doing and saying, so the best thing you can do is just be consistent and live your life for yourself and your daughter.
I'm so sorry you're having a tough time -- it's tough for everyone, but it does get better!
Good luck,
Acc
Thanks Acc,
I really appreciate your input. It's strange like you said it gets easier as days go on but the more I think about things a lot of what I think about is starting to point towards I am better off without her.
Don't get me wrong I love my W and I really do want to spend the rest of my life with her but things are just so much easier now except for the hurt in my heart and my head.
I worked very long hours to support our family and get paid good money, but I also did all of the house work so I would get home from work and cook dinner, clean the house do washing etc the list goes on and now I only have to look after myself it's so much easier.
I really don't want to give up and I won't. But I think it helps my DB knowing that I have been alone before and I will be fine if it happens again. I guess im trying to get my head prepared for the worst rather than hanging out for the best and setting myself up for a let down.
Why did you historically do all the income earning, house work, and cooking?
I'm not really sure Acc,
I think after my previous relationship where I didn't do enough and it was a very large contributer to the relationship breakdown that I changed who I was and didn't want to make the same mistakes again.
I think I went to far with this as I was basically caring for my W as a dependent instead of an equal.
It has been hard this week so many ups and downs but I am starting to feel more and more when we speak that right now she has no intentions at all of ever coming back.
I know these feelings can change and I may even be reading it all wrong but I really wish I could come to a point where she is not on my mind all the time.
So today is a hard day.
Today is my first birthday since W left. I am trying hard to DB and have minimal contact so it doesn't throw my emotions up and down like a roller coaster but it is a struggle.
W came over today to drop off my daughter so I could have her for my birthday. I happened to be outside when she arrived and met her at the car. We said hello to each other I remained polite light and breezy and she said happy birthday, I said thank you. She then said is it ok if I come in for a while I said yes no problem.
So this is where her actions confuse me.
She had a gift and card which where from my daughter but obviously with my daughter being 2 she purchased the gift and card and wrapped it and wanted to be there to see me open it. Then and this is the part that in my head dropped me. She said I only got you the gift because I got my extra commission from work this week and "I will not be able to do this every year"
Clearly suggesting she has absoloutely no intentions of getting back together it took a lot of control not to launch into R questions I just acted as if what she had said didn't affect me but it does. Then when leaving she gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek ,as we hugged and my hands on her back she says that feels good I need a massage I will have to go and get one. Then she leaves.
I know i have just rambled out a heap of things that are probably to much detail and I am looking at the smallest things. I am not hanging on to these small things and they are not controlling me I am simply wondering if anyone has had similar exchanges? Was she just looking for reactions? Is she already that far down the track in her head she thinks she will never come back? She only moved out less then 2 months ago. I just feel her words don't match her actions.
As always any opinions appreciated.
Keep it up, she realizes you are not grovelling on your hands and knees back to her. and its putting her off.
dont let her eat her cake. she must face the reality of what she has done and experience the loneliness herself.
dont enable it
Thanks Kirklan,
I am trying my best. The hard part for me is knowing when to keep going with the DBing. Because W keeps bouncing up and down from happy and nice to grumpy and cold I just don't know which way to jump sometimes.
I just don't want her to think that because I am using DB techniques and being happy and appearing as if I am doing fine that she thinks I'm happy being friends
.
I really want to say to her that I love her and want to stay her husband but that is all. If I can't have that I am not going to settle for friends it will be nothing at all. But I am not going to say that until I feel I have no other options.
Feeling a lot stronger today.
I just dropped my daughter back to my W house and for the first time she answered the door an asked if I was coming in and for the first time I said no I'll keep going thanks and left. She looked genuinely stunned.
I am struggling to know what I should be doing.
It feels my sitch might be different to a lot of others here as I believe my wife's immaturity changes the dynamics a lot. It's almost as if she is having a mid 20's crisis realizing now we have a child and responsibilities and life isn't all easy that she wanted to check out.
I don't know what cards to play at the moment. We are talking frequently and she finds a reason to contact me most days.
I am playing it cool and only responding not pursuing conversations but if I commit to limiting interactions and conversations won't this push her away?
Or is that necessary for her to experience loss? I really don't want to end up being a "friend" and I won't allow it but it's hard for me to tell if we are building back up towards fixing the R or if I am just slowly drifting into a friend zone.
I just don't want to slam a door shut and set myself back and push her away.
Any thoughts or experiences I would love to hear.
The risk of pursuing is much much more dire and detrimental to your situation than the risk of distancing. Therefore, given a situation you are better taking the path of distancing yourself instead of trying to pursue her or pull her closer. This is counter intuitive and why DB is really hard.
You do need to give her space to work through her issues and to come to miss you and what she had with you. If you're ever present, she will keep running and will never need to process her stuff or come to miss you. There is no risk of "slamming the door shut".
Most people's situations would be 1000% improved if they had immediately gone the other direction when their spouse walked away.
Acc
Thanks again Acc,
I really needed to hear that and keeping heading in the right direction.
Although I am forced to see my W when I get my daughter I think the cracks are starting to appear. The exciting feeling of living in her own in her own place and being in control of her life I believe is starting to take over from the initial excitement.
Myself on the other hand things are getting better, I am starting to sleep better and feel better mentally. I am doing my own thing and every interaction I am light and breezy and appear as if I am doing better on my own then when we were together so I guess time will tell.
Time indeed, and much more time than you would like. If you're able to stick to DB and keep from pursuing her it will normally take six to eighteen months before she will start to re-think things, despite the questioning that you may think she's doing now. Focus on that as your timeline and don't really expect to see anything change before that. In the short term it's just a roller coaster of ups and downs that don't really mean much over the long haul.
If you want other situations on this site, most people are not able to control themselves or can't convince themselves not to pursue, so each time they go "non-DB" they essentially reset the clock and add more time to it. That's why if you "half DB" you can be in limbo forever. Stick to your guns and keep focusing on living a good life for you -- it's your best bet by far.
Thanks again Acc,
Everything is so hard to follow right now. I am definitely interacting better with W as if I'm happy and doing well.
I am just so confused on a course of action I still talk to my W frequently I never instigate contact but she contacts me most days and when we change over who has our daughter at either her house or mine we normally talk for 2 hours or so. Everything she says is long term as if she never plans to fix things I hide my feelings and pretend it doesn't hurt me as best as I can.
The hard part for me is I can't tell weather these friendly interactions we are having is us growing closer or me approaching the friend zone I just don't know weather to keep going on this track or drop back to only necessary interactions so she misses me.
I just don't know
Yes it's really hard -- what's you're trying to achieve is extremely subtle. Your wife needs to understand and fully believe that her life, plans, and whatever she says don't impact you. Like Mike Damone said in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High":
"The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude."
So in that context, it doesn't matter if you talk for five minutes or five hours or what you talk about, because the non-verbal undercurrent of the conversation is that you don't *need* anything from her. If she's super happy, that's great. If she's super sad, that's too bad for her, you're still going to do your thing.
She loves you? Thanks for the compliment. She hates you and hopes you die? You hope she gets over it.
That doesn't mean that you're mean, or cold, or distant, you're just *unaffected*. When she *believes* you're unaffected, then she's free and also completely on her own. Only then can she decide to re-engage with you as equals, if you will still have her.
That's the path.
Acc
Thanks so much Acc,
Your guidance really helps me. I have never felt this helpless in my life and I will never be the same person I was 2 months ago. He is gone and now I have to figure out who I am now.
I have a long tough road ahead.
Hello Albac,
You are so right when you say you have a long road ahead.
Your wife might be putting you in the friend zone, but she could also be temperature checking you.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Your guidance really helps me. I have never felt this helpless in my life and I will never be the same person I was 2 months ago. He is gone and now I have to figure out who I am now.
First of all I will second Cristy's comment -- you really should sign up for DB coaching. You will feel much, much, much better after talking to one of the telephone coaches. I know the most common objection is "I can't afford it". To that I say "if you fell down and broke your arm and the bone was sticking out, would you not go to the hospital because you couldn't afford it?" Your psyche is broken -- how is that worth less than money?
In any case, regarding your comments above, those are absolutists statements and they are false. You may of course become the same person you were two months ago, and you may become someone better. There is no "never".
Here's a truth for you -- your wife wasn't perfect and neither were you. You were single and survived just fine before you met her, and you can easily survive after she leaves as well.
If you remove the veil of your current desperation, there were plenty of things she did that upset you or made you feel alone or left you with unmet needs.
We put a lot of value in the stability we feel in a marriage -- it's something we can rely upon, someone who is there for us and has our back. When they leave the relationship unexpectedly, it is so catastrophically upsetting.
The reality is that the feelings you're feeling have much more to do with feeling like you're out of control than anything to do with your wife.
You crave having stability back, and the reassurance that "if you do X you get Y". If you're nice to your wife, she will be nice back. If you buy her a gift, she will be appreciative, etc. The predictability of this is comforting.
When your wife leaves you keep trying to do X but you don't get Y, and that makes you feel completely out of control, which in turn makes you panic. Reality has shifted, and your problems can't be solved like a math problem. Suddenly you can't get what you want no matter how hard you try.
Time will heal this wound, you will once again feel like yourself, you will once again be happy, and you will once again feel in control, and hopefully will do so as a more evolved version of yourself.
When my wife left I put her on a pedestal and viewed getting her back as the only way I would ever be happy or whole again. As time passed I have seen this for what it was, a desperate attempt to regain lost control and comfort.
I've now been divorced for two years and I am much happier than I was when I was married. My relationship skills are better, my comfort with "who I am" is better, and I have a relationship with an amazing woman who I am much more compatible with than I was with my wife.
I still totally believe in marriage and DB, and I think you should do all you can to save your marriage, so that you can live with no regrets, but divorce is completely and entirely survivable, happiness awaits and there are many many fish in the sea, and that's a fact.
Acc
Thanks Acc,
Money for DB coaching is not an issue for me. To me getting my W and my life back has my total focus and I would do anything to have it. Don't get me wrong this not me being desperate and needing her back to feel better.
This is me wanting her back and wanting my family to be whole again. I know we both made many mistakes and it wasn't all me. I even thought about being the one to break up with my W at some points but I believe all the causes were fixable and mainly a lack of open comunication I always feared she would leave so avoided confrontation.
I know that was a mistake now.
As for coaching I would have done it already except I am in Australia and don't really know how to set it up and phone calls would cost more then the coaching.
If there are online chat options or something I am all for it.
Albac
There are a number of issues in your sitch.
Have you read DB and DR?
Many of your questions are answered in those books.
DB is for you, not your R.
The main thrust is to put you in the place where you are doing that which is right for you. That which works for you.
Sandis rules are important at this stage as a guideline. I had mine laminated.
Getting your W back isn't the key here, you may achieve this only to retraced the loop again in another few years time.
The main aim is you and your growth and development.
V
Hello Albac,
Thank you Accuray for the vote of confidence regarding the DB Coaching. I love your analogy!
People from all over the world call our office and work with DB Coaches, especially Australia. Finding a calling card or calling plan might help with the cost of the actual phone call. Do some online research and see what you are most comfortable with.
There are ways to deal with the logistics of all of this. We just need to get a little creative.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Thanks Cristy,
I will try to find a way to get in touch and get some help.
V I have ordered the DB book but it has not arrived yet so I haven't been able to read it. I read Sandi's rules daily and try to stick to them.
The biggest problem I have right now is I feel if I follow the rules I will be pushing my W away but I understand that is needed for my own protection and for her to actually feel a loss.
Thanks,
Albac
Albac
A great deal of this is counter intuitive.
The opposite of that which you might think.
There are some free first chapters of the book on the site. They are included in Cadets links
V
Little update,
Still trying to find my feet. It has been 2 months now since my W hit me with ILYBNILWY and moved out the next day.
I read everyone's posts on here looking for people going through something that sounds similar to my sitch but I guess everyone's sitch is unique and must be approached as such.
So update since she left I'm GAL and keeping busy my daughter is my main focus in life now.
Oddly enough my W and I are getting along really well and I guess that's what confuses me the most I feel like we both have a strong attraction to each other and neither of us want to leave on the times we have contact to swap over who has our daughter.
But it is time for me to start putting some stronger boundaries in place. She chose to leave so she shouldn't be hanging around talking and having "family" time. She chose to leave our family.
I am focusing hard on myself, getting fit and trying to enjoy life. All of this aside I feel good.
I still very much want my W back and to be a family again but am focusing hard on moving on with life as if she is not coming back.
Set your boundaries now. Go to the boundaries thread that Cadet links. It will give you terrific insights. There is another boundaries thread here in the forums that is not too hidden, but I can't find it right now.
Boundaries cheat sheet:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096&page=1It's a good place to start anyway, since part of your question is about boundaries, and before anything you need boundaries and respect.
I would also say: don't reject your wife. Boundaries aren't supposed to be rejection of her, but rejection of behaviors or influences in your life. If she's doing something that you don't like, you reject that behavior. If she's being loving with you, don't reject that. But if she continues to engage in EA, you decline her advances by not allowing your interactions to get that far to begin with.
Thanks Jazzy,
I haven't posted in a little while, I feel I am changing very fast the feelings of sadness and loss are getting less severe as time goes on. It's been almost 2 months now since W walked out.
My sitch just seems so much different to any others I read about here. She is not having an A and she is still very nice to me and contacts me everyday. That's what makes it hard for me with boundaries and how I should approach my sitch. I feel if I start to ignore the contact and try to create distance she will just stop contacting me and it will push us towards D.
At this point I don't instigate any contact and I only respond to about half the messages she sends me and I leave them sit for a while before I respond.
I'm GALing and spending time with my daughter being the best dad I can be but trying not to let my W influence what I do and moving on with or without her.
Back again,
Feeling a bit down again today. just starting to feel as if W is slipping away I feel we were closer when she first moved out and as time goes on shes happy with her decision to go.
I'm great at telling myself that I'm good and detaching and what she does will have no effect on me..... Yeah right. Although the one thing I can say is I think I am getting very good at not showing the way I actually feel when she says things that hurt me.
I really don't know where this is going or if DB is the right process for me to follow. I'm dealing with a WAW that is not in any affair, says she LYBNILWY and moved out the next morning it all happened that fast. When we speak which is most days we are both happy and polite as if she never left.
My sitch just has a different feel from all I have read I think the major factor in her leaving is Her age. She is 24 we have had a tough time the last 2 years our daughter is almost 2 and I think she's having a mid 20's crisis. Like life is getting too serious I want to have fun type of thing. I can't help but feel this will wear off and she will snap out but I'm telling myself she won't and trying to move on with life as if she's not coming back to protect myself.
I really just don't know if trying to have less contact in this situation is the way to go? I found this site the day she left, we have had no talk about or M or R since the morning she left. I asked her if we could try counseling her reply was "if we both want to in a couple of months we can" I think this was just guilt talking don't think she meant it. But I have not spoken about or M as per following DB.
I don't initiate any contact I haven't since she left but she seems to always contact me most days if not everyday very close to it. Should I not be believing anything she says in this situation?
All opinions welcome I'll take any advice. Thanks
albac,
I'm guessing you're not able to get a DB coach to talk to?
I can tell you one thing. A month or two is nothing. It seems like forever - and for us at the beginning it is. I came here, I plead, I begged. Anything I would do to keep it together.
I can say one thing, and don't take it the wrong way. 24 is very, very young. #%$&, I wish I could be there again, but only physically. I was barely out of college, and had barely started my career path. There's a lot to chew on in life. I can understand her frustrations and fears.
For now, seriously, I can tell you this is the best method there is. I unfortunately didn't find it when I had the chance to make things work. The methods I learned "made sense", and they were WRONG. The guy sounded great though.
These are counter intuitive. These are for you as well if things don't work. However, read Cadet's homework. Read Sandi's rules for the WAW and WW, read them again and then read one more time. Nothing is sinking in just yet.
You'll need to set boundaries. You'll need to detach. You'll need to do all of these things. Remember! Believe none of what she says, and half of what she does.
The W you married isn't there right now. She needs to be shocked into reality. You need to show her just what life is like if she had never met you. That means you don't exist. Read DR, follow it to the letter. If you have to contact her regarding your D, keep it as brief as you possibly can. No emoticons. No feelings. It's a business transaction.
I know your doubts right now. It took me a month to straighten up and fly right. Fully detach. Set all my boundaries. Cut ties. And now, for the first time I'm seeing something somewhat positive. I'm not stopping, nor reverting. Because it could change just as fast.
We're here for you, we're pulling for you. This won't be easy.
Thanks 1313,
I know everything you said is true and I know it's what I need to do I just need to make it happen. It is coming up on 3 months now and she has definitely warmed up a lot more in the last month. I think that means more then ever I need to DB and have less contact.
I haven't had a coach yet but I will when work permits me to I just need to work out the logistics of me being in Australia. I am half way through DB book it arrived a couple of days ago but I have been stuck with work still waiting on DR. I will try to do as you say and keep up the DB and stay strong no matter what the outcome.
Quick update, not much has changed still in limbo land. Have not spoken a single word about our M since the day she moved out, it's almost as if it never happened.
I'm moving on with life, 3 months have just ticked over and although in having ups and downs I can definitely tell things are slowly getting easier for me. I am starting to believe that my W truly just doesn't love me anymore she really doesn't seem to care about me at all. it appears as if she is happy on her own.
I really don't have much else to add, feel as if the chances of us working things out are getting more distant by the day but still I am keeping in with the DB. GAL is going well and I'm as fit as ever, overall feel good other than this sitch.
I guess time will tell. and for everyone else living in limbo land stay strong.
Time for an update,
I took a break from the forum for a while to keep my head clear. Still don't really know what is going on.
I have been working on myself and GAL and its all going well. I get by day to day much easier now focusing on myself and working for what I want.
I am still stuck in limbo land and really don't know what to do next. My W has been gone for 4 months now and we have not discussed our MR at ALL since the day she left. I found this forum the day my W left so trying my best to follow steps but by waiting for her to bring up any discussions about our MR nothing has happened yet.
We are speaking most days and I'm being polite but not in instigating any contact. I really don't want to end up in the friend zone I think I will soon be forced to bring up the MR discussion because at this point she may just think I'm happy with how things are? I really don't know what to do.
If anyone has any thoughts feel free to share.
Albac,
Sorry you are still in limbo land but it seems like you are doing well. I would stick to the rules unless you feel that you need to make a choice and move forward with a next step. Some of the best DB'rs have been doing it for years.
Hopefully some of the vets can give better advice.
Well I haven't posted in a long time been working on myself and trying my best to DB.
Last night I hit a massive set back that may lead to divorce.
So I found this page the day after my W walked away, so I never went through the pursuing phase or pleading I went straight to DBing. It's been just on 6 months now since then and not a single word spoken about or MR other than the day she left I asked if we could do counseling she said in a month or 2 if we both want hat we can.
Throughout the 6 months my wife has been close by calling and texting daily, coming over and hanging out with me and our D and I genuinely thought I was doing the right things.
Last night out of no where when she was picking up D she hit me with I need to tell you something, I knew straight away it was bad and my heart sank. She has started seeing someone else and has been for 6 weeks. I am now at rock bottom all the work I have done on myself everything just feels numb. I've been hit hard for the second time in 6 months. The thing was my W seemed genuinely surprised that k was hurt. I think by my acting as if I was fine was so good she actually thought I was over her and wouldn't care. After last night she now knows the truth as I couldn't hold back any longer.
I don't even know why I'm saying all this I don't know where to go from here.
albac,
I wish I had magic words to make it feel better. It's got to be a kick in the gut. Easier said than done right now, but continue doing what you were doing. Make yourself into the guy your W would be an idiot to leave. And if she still leaves then it proves she is the idiot.
But as I said, I know it's easier said than done.
albac,
I wish I had magic words to make it feel better. It's got to be a kick in the gut. Easier said than done right now, but continue doing what you were doing. Make yourself into the guy your W would be an idiot to leave. And if she still leaves then it proves she is the idiot.
But as I said, I know it's easier said than done.
Amen to that
Throughout the 6 months my wife has been close by calling and texting daily, coming over and hanging out with me and our D and I genuinely thought I was doing the right things.
The thing was my W seemed genuinely surprised that I was hurt. I think by my acting as if I was fine was so good she actually thought I was over her and wouldn't care. After last night she now knows the truth as I couldn't hold back any longer.
I don't even know why I'm saying all this I don't know where to go from here.
Im sorry that you are in this spot. I can imagine it felt like a kick straight to the gut.
That said, it's strange that you came here immediately and thought that doing the things above were "the right things". It sounds like cake eating to the extreme to me. If she never had any chance to miss you or miss out on family time, then what is/was her impetus to make any kind of change. If you were always willing to be at her beck and call, there was never any incentive for her to pursue you as a husband anymore.
I dont think acting as if you were OK was the problem. I think thats important. But acting as if you are willing to be her friend and waiting around for her scraps IS a problem.
I do not believe it is ever "too late". I think it's time to read up on WWs and start to figure out what is best for you and your daughter.
Thanks Darkness, I agree I was in a content battle with what I thought was right. As my W wasn't having an affair even after reading the books and help from here I didn't know how to approach it. I thought if I pulled back and gave her no time I would push her to someone else. Turns out this happened anyway.
I am now at a point like so many on here where my W has now shown she has no respect for our marriage. And I have absoloutely no plans on hanging around being a back up plan. Everything I do now is for my D and there will be no "family" time anymore as we are no longer a family. The ball is well and truly in her court now I am and rock bottom and she can't hurt me anymore then she already has.
After 6 months from hell I have just found out I wasn't actually in hell just on my way there. Hard times
Ok last few days have been terrible since W told me she was seeing someone else. Today she has sent me a message which is first contact since telling me about seeing someone. It's my D birthday this week and she just sent me a message that basically said I know things are bad at the moment but I am having a cake for her birthday and I know she would love it if you would come.
What are people's thoughts on this? I am having my own cake for my D and to me what she's asking is pretending to be a family when right now we are not. I honestly don't even want to step foot in her house. Any feedback appreciated I'm very confused
I honestly don't even want to step foot in her house.
I think you answered your own question
What are people's thoughts on this? I am having my own cake for my D and to me what she's asking is pretending to be a family when right now we are not. I honestly don't even want to step foot in her house. Any feedback appreciated I'm very confused
I agree with you. I would not step foot in her house. I would have a separate time with your D and have your cake with her. Your W has currently destroyed your family. I would not pretend otherwise.
This is all so hard, I was sure I would be strong and stand by the way I felt.
I went to pick up my daughter and my W asked me if I would be coming over for her birthday cake tomorrow and I said no I can't do it. She then made me feel like I was that bad guy saying "you don't have to let the fact you're angry at me make you miss Ds birthday"
I hate this all so much when ever I think I have clarity and have things under control it takes less then a 1 minute conversation with W to make me feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I am going to stick to what I feel and that is I do not want to be in her house or spend any time I don't have to around her
Still feeling beat up at the moment. Trying to make sense of what has happened and at the same time trying to stop thinking and just live.
I have read a lot of people's situations and I really can't find any similar to mine.
In my situation my W really seems to have fallen out of love with me and I know that I was a large part of the reasons that lead to this. Instead of cheating on me she simply told me she wanted to separate and left the next day. I should have seen the signs but didn't.
So now to her after 4 months separated where I thought we were making progress she is seeing someone else, then waits until after 6 weeks before telling me about it all the while at the same time spending what she calls family time with me and our D. It's like she wants a H and family when she feels like it but wants to be independent other times.
I can give my own 2x4 here. I allowed this to go on as I thought we were getting closer and things starting to look up. When I was actually sailing full steam ahead into the friend zone. Now I am aware of her seeing another man all of my thoughts and actions have changed. I am not a doormat or hanging on for scraps.
My question is has anyone been through a similar sitch and what did you do. Keep in mind my W is very young and i believe she is very very confused about everything in life right now and her actions say she has feelings and wants to be around me yet her words say the opposite. I think she is scared and doesn't know what to do.
Kind of ironic that your wife is inviting you over for cake. Seems like she has been eating cake for the last 6 months. Under no circumstances do you go to her house. "Sorry you think otherwise but I am not going to miss her birthday. I will be celebrating it with her with my family."
Stop trying to figure out what your W's mindset is. Start worrying about yours. You have been Mr Nice Guy for 6 months. Time to truly GAL. What does that look like for you?
Stop beating yourself up. You stood up for your family and there is nothing more noble than that. Now shift your focus. Become an attractive albac again. That requires more strength than you have already displayed. Do you...don't do what you think she wants you to do. Right now YOU need space. You need to figure out what you truly want. And if it's your W back what you are doing isn't working and trust me she needs to earn your trust back. Do you really want her back in this scenario? Think about that. Read other sitches. Read my sitch. I was you. Focus on being an incredible Dad. There is nothing more rewarding in life.
Understand you may or may not get her back. But how you handle this is one of your defining moments of your adult life. Be strong. Be honorable. Not rude. Not petty. I can tell by reading your posts you're more than capable. You'll be fine. No matter what. You can handle it.
Strength and Honor.
Old Mules
Thanks Mules, I guess I just never wanted to believe she was capable of this. I accept some responsibility but now all.
I wI'll now be dealing with my W as the father of our D. No more random phone calls and texts or coming and hanging out at my house. What you have said is true I don't even know if it is possible to come back from this but it would take a massive change on her part I am already a different person then I was 6 months ago when she left.
Time for me to focus on myself and daughter. I am not the type of person to hate or be rude. I will be polite but to the point and trying to see her as little as possible. Already today she has sent me messages joking around trying to be funny. It's truly cruel, I'm in the worst time of my life and she wants me to be best friends and have a laugh while she's seeing someone else...
That's the hardest part, coming to the realization that she is not the person you married. For me I had so much fear. If I knew then what I know now....
Please take care of yourself. Concentrate on that daughter and you. I spent so much time trying to detach that I kept doing it wrong. Be a strong, leading man who is a father and is getting on with his life. You don't need your W to be happy. You need to make your own happiness. I was so caught up in worrying about her every mood. It was ridiculous. Let her worry about you. Be mysterious with your own time. If she sends you text messages don't answer them if she is still with OM unless it has to do withh your daughter.
Strong. Confident. Leading.
You got this.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
Thanks Mules, you basically just said everything I played out in my head. And I honestly do believe it. I have been trying because I WANT my W and family back, I don't need her back.
I have a solid job earning good money have my own home and a great extended family and support network around me. Time to move forward.
I have been trying because I WANT my W and family back, I don't need her back.
Don't know anything about your situation, but this is something I just came to realize about a week to 10 days ago. I'm going on week 8 of my Separation. I do much, much better when I don't see her. S and I are creating a fantastic bond, he loves me more than ever. I'm confident in myself, my looks and who I am. I read lots of self help books, and I've started counseling.
I want to try because I want to look my boy in the eyes in 15, 20, 30 years and tell him I did EVERYTHING I could for his family.
Good luck to you. Try to keep your conversations centered around specific info re your D. I'm in the midst of going dim, and WW really tries to stretch the conversation. You need to try to end them, text or phone, as much as possible. It's hard at the beginning but you get the hang of it.
Thanks RSG, you are on the money. I know that how ever all this works out I can hold my head up knowing I have it all I had to get my family back.
I am 6 months into separation but only 5 days in since finding out about OM. My mindset is totally different now. I will be strong and not let her dictate terms. This will be hard but I will stay strong. For me and my D.
Albac,
I can tell you by experience that pursuing her will only push her away. I pursued my W for almost 2 months and made things worst. Now I'm going dark. Not sure if it's working since it's been 5 days, but she has tried to make small talk. But remain dark.
Good luck, I know it's tough.
Thanks Raul, that's the way I'm trying to go. I think already in the last 5 days she now realizes how serious this is. For the last 6 months I was always around and always acting as if I was happy and was like we were just living apart.
Now I am not available to her and I don't want to talk or joke, I will discuss D but that is all. Already in the last 2 days she sent me an old photo of me joking about how funny I looked and again first thing this morning asking me if I could send any photos from my Ds birthday 2 days ago.
I know that the photo of me was a temp check she knows im pulling back and am angry at news of OM she's trying to test me. I will stay strong
Can't believe the way my W is acting about our situation she has the most distorted reality right now. Today I had to see her to pick my D up and she just wanted to have a chat and joke around then when I dropped her back wanted me to go in to her house and hang around.
Is it just me or is this really out of character for someone who says they are done and seeing someone else. I don't get it, I would have expected her to be pulling back and avoiding me but she isn't.
Albac,
My wife screamed her lungs on the phone that we are done, not to call her or text her. To leave her alone because I am making her life miserable. The next day, she text me jokingly how things are going-which i now ignore. It is confusing. I go days with NC, then she temp checks me and I respond, she then makes me feel like I am harassing her.
Sounds like NC is somewhat working for you.
Raul, it is crazy there is no understanding what is going on with them. Just craziness but for the first time I am now controlling how I want things to be. As long as she wants to see someone else I need her to feel what it will be like without me around and I think over these last 5 days she is starting to understand I will not be there for her and I will not be her friend.
I will stay strong, and I know people say take it one day at a time but right now thinking of the future and knowing I will be fine regardless of if we can save our marriage or we move on to new things makes me feel better. Exciting times to come because I can't go any lower than where I am right now
Is it just me or is this really out of character for someone who says they are done and seeing someone else. I don't get it, I would have expected her to be pulling back and avoiding me but she isn't.
Here's my guess: she feels that she can -- or even feels like she really ought to -- try to salvage the platonic part of your relationship while jettisoning the romantic/sexual part of it. She probably thinks it's the right thing to do, as well as it makes her feel less guilty about what she's doing to your child. And since she's under major duress right now, her judgment about all of this is probably all messed up.
Regarding being a family despite a divorce/separation ... I think there is not a clear line on what's appropriate. My impression is is that some couples manage being able to do lots of things together with their kids, while others have to stay completely separate. Probably there are many who are in the middle.
So, I think for some couples, doing a single birthday celebration for a child does make sense. But I can see that for you, given how volatile and painful your current relationship is, it would make little sense to try to do it together.
Just my $0.02's worth....
Thanks Gump,
I think that's exactly what she is doing, trying to reduce her guilt for what she has done and feels like she owes it to our D to stay close to me so we can do "family" things together. I just can't do that, not any time soon anyway.
Next few months will tell the story.
Thanks Gump,
I think that's exactly what she is doing, trying to reduce her guilt for what she has done and feels like she owes it to our D to stay close to me so we can do "family" things together. I just can't do that, not any time soon anyway.
Next few months will tell the story.
That's what I feel like my W is doing. She likes to say "I won't be cruel" as if destroying your son's family and cheating on your H isn't cruel. What a joke. Stay strong man. They use the kids as a weapon so it's hard sometimes.
RSG, I know it's cruel what they are capable of. But like today I will be doing well keeping distance and little contact but my D comes first and I wanted to see her so that means I had to contact my W and then see her when I picked my D up and dropped her back. And knowing intersections like this will go on FOREVER is very hard to deal with.
Well this has been the worst week of my life so things can only get better I guess?
Having my W tell me about OM my D's birthday and my W's birthday all in the same week has really pushed me to my limits. Good news is I'm focusing hard on myself being happy and have cut off all contact with W that doesn't involve our D.
I really think after ready a lot of other posts on this board that my W is like so many. Is unhappy in herself and keeps trying to grab the next quick fix to give her happiness. Time will tell all but for now I need to work on trying to regain control of my thoughts so I can get back to peaceful sleeping and knowing I have done all I can for my D and to save my marriage.
I hope everyone is doing well. Stay strong.
You're on the right track Albac. Now what have you outlined for yourself in terms of GAL. Dont just let time pass. Make the most of the time you have. What are you doing for yourself this weekend??
Still feel like you are too caught up in her every move. Push yourself away from that. It is so important.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
Having my W tell me about OM my D's birthday
F'n cruel. Would rather be crushed by a boulder.
Like she couldn't wait until the day after.....grrrr
Yeah it was a bad week to say the least. I don't know why she chose that day as she had been seeing him for 6 weeks (who knows if that's true) I was 6 months into separation thought I was getting better at DB was GALing and starting to feel like I had a life again. And in 2 minutes I was plunged back to where I was at the start.
Good news is I really don't think I can get lower then where I am.
As for GAL Mules, I am going OT for dinner with friends this weekend and I am about to go for a big run right now to relieve some stress.
I have things I can do to GAL but just at the moment I am in a semi state of crisis and shock. I'm not falling apart but my energy to want to do things and even just eating food it's all gone, I know the feeling well it's the same as the day she left and the day she took all her things. The hits just keep coming.
All I can say to others is no matter how well you feel you are detaching and healing try to prepare yourself as much as possible. I haven't contact W since she told me about OM it's really not that hard for me I dorm have the feeling that I need to contact her like so many others do. In my eyes I have done all I can and can hold my head up high, for her to do what she has done means that right now she doesn't care about me so why would I waste energy chasing her or wanting to be around her.
Stay strong everyone.
I'm not falling apart but my energy to want to do things and even just eating food it's all gone,
Same here. All my favorite pastimes and hobbies became uninteresting. My pants are literally falling off my waist because of weight loss, and I have little appetite -- I can feel that my body is hungry, but whereas before hunger felt unpleasant, now hunger just feels ... neutral. The only thing that feels good is to lie down and fall asleep, except I wake at 4am and my head fills with thoughts of my marriage breaking up, and I can't sleep any more. My doctor gave me some pills that helped me sleep through the night -- I think I need a refill.
Gump, that is word for word the same as I feel. I felt this was at the start and now it's hit me again. The good news is it does get better.
I have resisted sleeping tablets don't really know why but I guess it's just my own battle and I don't want to not take them.
It's a wild roller coaster at the moment some times I'm thinking how much I miss and love my W next minute I'm thinking someone that could do these things to you is not someone you want anything to do with let her go and move on. And this is where the sleepless nights come into play as you flip between feelings and scenarios.
Would be so easy if we were built with a sleep switch so we could just turn our brain off.
Stay strong Gump we will come out the other side stronger.
I also hesitate to take meds, but I just got to a point where I felt I needed to set my pride (about relying on meds) aside, and just do what I needed to do to be a good Dad and perform reasonably at my job. I had no trouble falling asleep because I was so tired, but had trouble staying asleep til morning. My doctor prescribed clonazepam, and it worked really well, but I only took it as needed.
Yeah we need to do what ever it takes Gump,
I am very much the same can get to sleep because I'm exhausted but as soon as I wake for a second it's like my mind was just paused on thinking about her and it hits play instantly.
I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse or maybe just helps me deal with the situation better but my W seems to be spiraling downwards at the moment. I know it's not my problem and I don't waste time thinking about t but it does give me some form of hope that she will realize she was unhappy in herself and it was ALL me, time will tell.
Spent lots of time with my D this weekend and it's been great I'm always smiling when I'm with her.
Stay strong and enjoy your weekend everyone.
I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse or maybe just helps me deal with the situation better but my W seems to be spiraling downwards at the moment.
Not that we should revel in our W's suffering but if the spiral is a part of her waking up to the realities -- of the damage she is doing to everyone involved -- then it's a good thing, right?
I'm sure it's sad to see someone you love/used to love go through it though. I hate to see it happen w/ my W, but I think that's what she's set herself up for (and those around her)....
It is very hard in all aspects Gump. One of my biggest worries is that when she finally hits rock bottom and realizes what she's done that I might not love her anymore and have moved on. So much to think about but compare to last week when she told me about OM to now I feel so much better and the main reason being self evaluation.
I know I have a solid job earning good money, a house for my D and am as for as I have ever been in my life.
I want my W back more then anything else but if she doesn't come back I will actually be better of in all other aspects of my life. So hard to deal with all these things.
Having a rough day and wondering if anyone can give me some advice.
I don't normally post about daily goings on but I might just need a 2x4 to keep me on track. After my W left 6 months ago she has now told me 2 weeks ago she is seeing someone else which has destroyed me again and to add to that told me on my D2 birthday and then my W birthday was 2 days later. Very much the worst week of my life to date.
So since finding out about OM have changed my approach. Previously we were doing things as a family and I was very much available to my W which I now can see was a big mistake she was allowed to eat massive amounts of cake.
When she told me about OM she was very surprised I was upset as she thought I was over her and had moved on... She even cried when I told her I wasn't. I broke down pretty bad and I said "I wish I didn't love you" she replied " I wish I did love you it would make things so much easier"
Anyway so from that day I have tried to lay low and only talk about D2 and minimal contact. She tells me it's over and to move on but rings me almost everyday and always texts and sends photos everyday about irrelevant things.
She rang me 4 times this morning, I ignored the first 3 then answered to 4th. Again it was boring important just a question about when my D2 had done the day before. Then I wrap it up quickly. 10 minutes later she rings again and I'm driving heading out again nothing important a quick update that my D2 looks like she's getting a cold. The. Proceeds to talk for another 10 minutes about everything going on in her life and I just validated and gave nothing about myself.
She then asked where I was going and what I was doing, I told her I had a doctors appointment she asked if I was ok I said yes I'm fine. Then she continues to talk about her life and complains now she has started a college degree she is sad she is seeing our D2 less and it hurts. And here I am getting to see my D2 1 day a week I had no sympathy when she realized what she said she then says " oh I probably shouldn't complain to you about not seeing D2 enough" then she says you are welcome to see her anytime just come over or send me a text "IT DOESNT MATTER IF YOU HATE ME you can still see her whenever you want" I just said "ok" and that was when the call was over.
She constantly says I don't care if you hate me or it's fine if you hate me, yet contacts me all the time! I'm so confused by all this. Has anyone had similar happen?
I know I have a solid job earning good money, a house for my D ... if she doesn't come back I will actually be better of in all other aspects of my life.
You probably know this but your WW/WAW doesn't give $#@! about that. Her head is completely elsewhere. She doesn't care about those practical benefits.... Just speaking from my own experience, where my WW/MLC has really poor life skills/financial skills... but she doesn't care....
After my W left 6 months ago she has now told me 2 weeks ago she is seeing someone else ...
Truly 5ucks. That is my ultimate nightmare.... I wonder why she felt she needed to tell you that info? ... but then it sounds like she's still very engaged with you as a friend. I hate to say this because I think I'm in a similar situation myself but I think you have to do a more complete job of detaching yourself and going dark. Don't let her think you're still her best friend. She'll keep seeing you as in a "brother-sister" relationship. She's still emotionally cake-eating by leaning on you for emotional support.
"Even if you hate me" ... all that talk sounds like she's trying to soothe her own guilt.
Remind me ... how come you only got 1 day access to your D2? Why not 3.5 days, 50-50 custody?
Yeah Gump, I know it is a nightmare and I was silly to not pull back earlier she genuinely doesn't understand why we can't be friends and even got angry and said "so what if I'm not with you I can't have anyone else" she actually said that on the day she told me about OM I think the only reason she told me is because she felt guilt or thought someone else would see them and tell me.
I only get her 1 night a week because I work full time and she doesn't. If I pushed for 50/50 I would have to et other people to look after D anyway.
Yeah the whole I don't care if you hate me is her wanting me to say I do hate her to make her feel better about her decision to leave. I won't do it.
But I really need to just forget she exists for the moment way easier said then done