MB. I hope your doing well. I miss seeing you here. Hope you come back soon
Just stopping by to say hi, MB! Hope you are doing well!
Hello everyone, MB asked me to update you on her situation and ask for some advice. Yesterday her son was involved in an accident (he's going to be okay). MB texted H and said, "I realize you care nothing about me, you have made that very clear. I thought you might want to know that S (H's stepson) was in an accident and hit by a bus. Really sorry I bothered you!"
H did not respond, and did not answer calls from MB. She did not leave a message, and has not heard back from him at all.
What do you think, should she call again or not? What should she say if she does call?
MB thinks H may be angry because she spoke honestly to OW when OW came by her house a couple of weeks ago.
MB has been with her son in the hospital for most of the last 24 hours. She could sure use some support.
Send her virtual hugs from me!!!
I don't think calling is going to do any good. He'll have gotten the message.
Are any In-laws involved at all? Grandparents may want to know that their grandson is in the hospital, and they can apply some outside pressure.
I will say, her message was a tad passive aggressive. I know she's scared and hurting. I would just caution her in the future to just keep things less heated (I just wanted to let you know that S was in an accidnet yesterday and is in the hospital. He would like to see you (if that's true). He's at such and such hospital. the number is such and such)
I agree the message prob drove him off. Even if he still should contact the son. The message didn't need that.
He's the stepdad, so that's a little different I guess.
They've been married 11 years look like? That kid is still been his kid for 11 years. He's being a ass. He needs to call his stepson.
That wayward fog for ya. It's truly amazing how selfish they become.
You're right about that, Sparks! MB could use a break right about now.
I think he has a personality disorder.
I think they ALL have personality disorders. We're clearly the sane ones ;-)
But seriously, we're here for her. Her son's going to be great and someday he's going to seriously regret these decisions.
Any other thoughts on whether or not MB should call and give him an update or ask for support? They've been NC for many weeks now.
I completely agree with Sparks. Don't bother communicating anymore with H. He got message and ignored it. Probably was too passive-aggressive but I'm sure she's scared and upset about her son. Also, agree to contact grandparents if they should know. Hugs to MB and her son. Glad he's going to be ok!
I understand he should want to be there. But does she have other people in her life? Why does she need him?
I guess I am not trying to be insensitive during this time but to put it bluntly is this possibly being used for her to just have contact with him?
I can't see the benefit as u think she is going to be angry at him now
I feel for MB very much right now. She is such an amazing person and deserves the world. Things have been hard without adding this to the pile and I pray her an her son and all her family are strong and everything is good.
I understand reaching out to H in this situation. It is important that he be told. However it is his choice what to do with the information. She can't push t with him. This has nothing to do with DB as I see it. It has to do with a scared not and mom and a POS self absorbed human being that had no compassion or thought for anyone but himself.
History aside S was his son for 11 years and if he is going to harbour anger from the M and towards MB and push her by being a jerk that is his path and she can not change it.
We are all here praying and sending good feelings her way. She is a strong woman and will get through it. I have no doubts about that
I understand he should want to be there. But does she have other people in her life? Why does she need him?
I guess I am not trying to be insensitive during this time but to put it bluntly is this possibly being used for her to just have contact with him?
I can't see the benefit as u think she is going to be angry at him now
Otw, thank you for your kindness and sensitivity during this unimaginably stressfull time I'm going through. My son was in a horrible accident on Wednesday afternoon and has been in the hospital since then. I left one time just long enough to run home to get personal belongings for him and my iPad so I would have something to do while sitting here in the hospital waiting for the next day...or two...or maybe longer to find out if my son will require surgery to stop his internal bleeding. And, I'm holding this vigil BY MYSELF while battling a raging cold that has been seriously kicking my butt since Monday.
Do I have other people in my life? Absolutely! Are they "here for me" right now? Not so much. No. Why do I need H? I don't NEED him, but there are times that I really WANT him. I WANT him to come and help me. I WANT him to be strong so I don't always have to be. I WANT him to make me feel better because absolutely nothing else seems to be doing that right now. Need him? NO! I don't NEED him for anything. Did I use my son being in the hospital as a "reason" to contact him? Absolutely not! If I wanted to contact him, I'd just do it. I've done it before, I'm sure at some point I will do it again. I did not use my son's near death experience as an excuse to reach out to H.
The one thing in your post that you got 100% right is that I am angry at him. I stopped calling him MONTHS ago because he doesn't answer my calls. Every time he doesn't ansewr, it hurts my feelings. I had hoped that since we had been NC for SOOOO long, he would answer. When he didn't, I called right back again because I figured he would REALIZE that it was important. Still, no answer. No answer the second time caused me to become very irritated with him. I mean, I NEVER CALL. We are in complete NC. So I texted him. Yep, I was short with him. And, irritated. In my text, I at no point told him that my son was alive or okay. Seriously, he doesn't even care enough to find out if he lived? He didn't have to contact me. He could have contacted my parents, another child, SOMEONE. But, instead, nothing. You bet I'm mad!!!!!
Hi everyone! I haven't been on here much lately. It just seems like when I come to the forums lately, things just seem more and more hopeless to me. I did want to thank NY for posting for me and for everyone that sent me hugs, warm thoughts and prayers my way. And, thank you Tyler, you're always so sweet to me.
As most everyone knows, I've been NC with H for the better part of 5 months now. There was a brief R attempt in Dec, but H was just lying to me and never intended to work on things with me. Other than that, we have been NC. I do miss him and want to talk to him. Had even been thinking of going over there, but always talk myself out of it.
The day before Valentine's Day the OW came to my house and wanted to talk to me. I'm sure the right thing to do would have been to refuse to talk to her and tell her to figure out things on her own. That's not what I did. I talked to her and answered her questions honestly. Didn't lie to her. Didn't try to protect H at all. Just told her the truth. I believe it caused her and my H go temporarily "break up" for a short time. If that were the case, it's definitely back on now. I guess in H's eyes, I'm supposed to sit back, keep my mouth shut, and protect him while he has a PA with ow. How dare me tell the truth to someone when the ask me a question about H! Never mind that he talks to ow about ME. That he tells her about MY Kids. That he SHOWS her where my apartment is. That isn't allowed to bother me. I'm just supposed to be backup plan and STFU while he gets his jollies.
On Wednesday afternoon my son was in an accident that ended with him being run over by a school bus. We are still in the hospital watching his injuries and waiting to see if the bleeding in his belly has stopped for good or if he will need to have surgery. He's stable for now and things are looking good for him. He might even get to go home this evening or maybe tomorrow if his blood counts continue to look good.
I reached out to H and called him to let him know about the accident. I didn't do it just to have a reason to contact him. I just really thought he would want to know and felt it was the right thing to do. I was wrong. He doesn't care! I will admit that when he didn't answer TWICE, I was irritated with him and was a bit short with him in my text message. I did not tell him that my son was okay...or even alive. I am really having a hard time understanding how he can not care enough to even check to see if he is alive or not! He didn't have to contact ME, he could have called another of my kids or my parents. This is just so hurtful to me. He not only doesn't seem to care if he knows if my S is alive or not, he doesn't even care one bit about how his injury or possible death is affecting me. I understand A fog and all that, but aren't there just some things that require even just a modicum of compassion or common decency?
I suppose I'm mindreading just a tad (yes, I do have a mindreading degree in a previous life!), but I really think that his refusal to pick up the phone or even text/call back is because I spoke with his ow a few weeks ago. I was wondering how mad he was going to be at me and how long his anger would last. Well, I got half of the question answered. He's pretty darn ticked off! How long will it last? Forever???? What can I do about it? Nothing! Seems to be the story of my life these days.
This right here is exactly why I haven't been posting here lately. I feel like I'm in an endless repeating loop. H is a jerk, nothing I can do about it, get over it. Just very frustrated these days. I'm tired of feeling like all I do is complain and feel defeated. If anyone is still reading this, thanks for listening to me vent and feel sorry for myself. I will eventually work through it, but not today.
MB
You are 100% correct. I was trying to be very careful because I felt for you in this situation. I wanted him to be there as he has no reason to not be.
When I heard he had not responded though I knew things would be bad if you saw him.
I am not saying you are thinking wrong or shouldn't have contacted him. I guess I was saying the things more to try and protect you and your heart. With him being in such a self absorbed place I know he would hurt you more than help after not responding the first time
I am so sorry about your son. I am sending some prayers to you.
MB,
I am so sorry. You have every right to be very angry and overwhelmed with emotion right now. DBing has to take a back seat to taking care of yourself and your son. It is truly sad and hurtful that your WAH wouldn't want to know how your son is or to see if you need any help. Truly it is appalling. I can't imagine how scared and hurt you must be. Please know we are thinking of you and praying for a quick recovery for your son. ((Hugs))
Hi MB, just wanted to say I am glad to see you posting.
It just seems like when I come to the forums lately, things just seem more and more hopeless to me.
I understand that completely. I felt the same way a few weeks ago and you posted on my thread wondering how I was doing. Sure some times your heart aches for the people here, it's part of the process we are all going through. There is so much positive going on here too, sometimes it's little things, they are there though. Helping other people through the hard times is what we all want to do and it helps us get a better grasp on our own sitch.
I am happy to hear your S is stable, that has to be a huge weight off of your shoulders. It is unfortunate that H did not respond however it is not the end of anything. It's not over until you say it's over MB. Until you feel you have done all you can for yourself.
Please keep posting, I do not speak for everyone, I am sure we all love you being here. I know that I do. You always make me smile and I try my best to give it back.
Hi everyone! Just wanted to let everyone know that my son is stable for the time being, but is still in the hospital. Having more lab work in the AM to reevaluate a potential problem that I brought to the Dr's attention yesterday. If the lab work improves, they will probably discharge him. So glad! I'm so ready to sleep in my own bed instead of this chair. I just don't want to take him home until I know he's safe to go!
It seems that the bus driver is going to try to play innocent and blame this whole thing on my son. Guess it isn't enough that she ran him down, now she wants to rewrite history and make it HIS fault! Unfortunately for her, I have photographic proof of who is telling the truth. I just wish people could be honest for once!!!
Still having a hard time understanding WHY H doesn't check on S. Makes no sense to me at all! I have assumed that H is very mad at me for talking to OW about him and giving her the answers that she was looking for. Seems like he'd be mad at her for coming to me, but that didn't happen. I keep forgetting that ONE BASIC RULE, Everything is about him! Sheesh, you'd think I'd have that part figured out by Now!
Well, I hope everyone has a great weekend. I'm looking forward to some normalcy around here for all of us. I hope you guys have a great weekend! .
Hi mb. I'm glad your son is doing well. And I pray he is given the green light to go home soon.
As for H I know it's hard, however you can't dwell on it. This shows his true character. Mad at you or not to me it is totally unacceptable to ignore a sick or injured child in the hospital. I find it disgusting. No matter how angry or done with W I may be. If I get a text that a a child is in the hospital I will find out what happened. If it is serious like in your case where I am needed for the child I am there. To hell with work and anything else.
Please don't try to mind read. It will drive you insane. I see his apparent dismissal of your texts and calls to inform him is like I said a sign of his character.
This is a tough time and myself and everyone here are here to help you as much as we can. Stay strong MB and hope to hear from you soon
Hi MB, what's the latest on you and your S?
Tyler, as always thanks for your kind words. I know I can always count on you to stop by and try to make me feel better. Things around here have just been so stressful lately. Having a hard time trying to keep it together sometimes. I find myself wishing that H was around for me to lean on, but I know that's not going to happen. I just keep thinking that it sure would be nice though. I get so tired of always having to be the strong one for everyone.
Okay, enough whining about me. How's everything going with you? I'll hop over and read your thread when I get a minute. Haven't really had time to keep up with anyone on here. Hoping things slow down around here though. Would be nice to be able to catch my breath. I hope all is well with you these days.
Well, my son got to go home on Saturday afternoon. Sure was good to get him back home, but I do believe they let him out just a bit early. I can't really say that he's doing well, but he's okay. He's pale and extremely tired all the time. Has lots of nausea and pain. He stays downstairs for the most part because it's too hard for him to get upstairs and he says the couch recliner is more comfortable right now than his bed. I know someday this will be a distant memory, and I am ready for that!
It's been almost a week since the accident and we have yet to hear from the school. Not one single person ever called to check on him after their bus driver ran him over. It amazes me how so many people just don't care these days. It infuriates me that they have such little regard for my son. For his life. It's just sad how they have behaved. The bus driver was right back behind the wheel of that bus the very next morning after running my kid over. She didn't get suspended or even have to miss one day! I WILL talk to the school about her, but at this point I am just way to angry to be able to do ta that without getting myself into trouble.
After getting out of the hospital on SaturdayI went over to H's house. I just couldn't let go of the fact that he ignored my calls and text message to him. When he opened the door he let me in but just stood there quietly. Didn't seem mad or annoyed, just stood there and looked at me. I simply asked "What's the deal?" Of course, he tried to act like he didn't know what I was talking about, so I asked why he didn't answer the phone calls or text message. He told me that he didn't hear the phone ring and didn't see the message until he was getting ready to go to bed. I asked how he could possibly not care enough about my son to call and check on him to make sure he was okay. He said he didn't need to check on him becuause he KNEW that he was okay. I asked how. He could possibly know that. He said because he went by my house and I was there. He said if my son was in the hospital, I wouldn't have been at home. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I guess he felt like he checked on him in his own way without having to contact me. I told him that sometimes I need to know that if I call him about something important, that he will answer the phone and be there for me. He said he just can't be what I want him to be. Not even sure what exactly that means. I asked what he thinks I want, but he didn't answer. Not really sure what to think at this point I guess. Anyway, it was an interesting conversation. He did ask me about my son. I had already decided that I wasn't going to tell him if he asked, but I did it anyway. I assured him that he didn't see MY vehicle at my apartment because I hadn't been there. Whatever. He is definitely irritated at me for talking to ow. I did point out that SHE contacted ME, but he said I should have just told her to go away when she knocked at my door. I told him that I talked to her because I was curious about why he likes her so much. Somehow, I got the impression that it's not paradise with them right now. He told me about some medical issues he had been experiencing. I asked if he was okay and told him how sorry I am to hear he hasn't been feeling well. He just seemed withdrawn and sad like he has been this whole time. After talking for a while, I was about to leave and asked him if he would give me a hug. Usually he doesn't want me to touch him, but he actually said yes. So he gave me a long hug, then I left. I was just as confused by him as I left as I was when I got there. I know I am not a mindreader, but it sure would be nice just to get a glimpse into what he's actually thinking and doing!
Our anniversary is this week. Other than Saturday when I went over there for about 30 minutes, we have been NC for almost 6 weeks. I had wanted to go over there on our Anniversary to see him but don't want to do anything to make our situation any worse than it already is. So, I'm just not sure what the right thing is.
Well, if anyone has any words of wisdom for me, I'm always glad to hear them. Hopefully someone out there will have the perfect advice for me.
. I hope everyone is doing well these days.
Mb- I'm so sorry to hear about your son that is ridiculous that the school still has that person driving! I have no advice about the H because he sounds just as confusing as mine and I had to give up on trying to figure mine out. Just know we are all here for you and Hopefully someone will come give you some great advice <3
Hi everyone! I should be sleeping, but can't seem to do much of that these days. I went to see a new IC yesterday. I really liked her a lot. She talked to me and actually seemed to have some insight into who I am just by listening to me. That's something my other IC never seemed to have. I am hopeful that this one might actually be able to help me. Maybe she can help me get unstuck! In just the first visit she already asked me a couple of questions that made me question my past and how it affected my current choices in my life. She gave me some homework for this week. Not really sure I'm looking forward to it, but I will get it done regardless.
I haven't been posting much on here lately, but I do think about the people on this forum. I think about the process that we all must go through. I guess I've been making some progress (even if only a little bit) in the area of detaching. I don't drive by every day anymore and I am trying hard to get back to not checking phone records. I don't cry every day anymore. I do still have some incredibly sad and lonely days, but they aren't every day any more. I just feel sad letting go since I know I'm the only one holding on. I can't help but think that when I let go of the rope, there won't be anyone holding it anymore. Then what? It just feels like it will be over. I know that I can't change it, I can only embrace it and move on. But, It really is hard because it's not what I want. It's not what I want now, or ever. I just can't imagine their not being a future with my H, but then again, I couldn't imagine a day when I wouldn't cry because of the heartbreak. I guess when the time is right, I will be okay with it. I just don't have any other choice right now.
our anniversary is coming up. I wonder what it will be like this year. I expect that he won't reach out and try to contact me. I had been planning on breaking my NC on that day and going over there. One of my dear friends keeps telling me not to go over there on that day though. She said that it will just make him feel worse about himself if he forgot that day. Do any of you have any thoughts on that? Not sure what I would do or say if I went over there, I just really wanted to.
Well, I guess I'm going to try to sleep now. I hope everyone has a great day today!!
Mb- I'm so sorry to hear about your son that is ridiculous that the school still has that person driving! I have no advice about the H because he sounds just as confusing as mine and I had to give up on trying to figure mine out. Just know we are all here for you and Hopefully someone will come give you some great advice <3
Rednail, thanks for taking the time to post on here. I really appreciate it. I haven't been able to go to the school to talk to the transportation dept yet. I really think I would have a hard time staying calm at this point.
As for H, I'm sorry that yours is an idiot like mine! I have come to accept that I can't make him do the right thing...or even see what that is! Doesn't make it easier, just means that I gave resigned myself to that fact. I do wish someone would give me their advice/opinion on whether our anniversary is a good day to break NC and see H. I have been NC for a long time and it isn't working so I do plan on breaking NC anyway. Just not sure of the timing.
MB - glad to see you posting again. I am also glad you found a new IC that you like.
I hope someone reaches out to you about you breaking NC on your anniversary. My 21st anniversary is in April, so I am interested to hear what others say and what you do. And, I am certainly to expert on this DB'ing process. However, my first response is to not do it….just afraid it will be too emotional for you, especially if he doesn't remember. I guess you need to look at it from what you hope to accomplish? What would breaking NC do for you or to benefit your R?
MB, today is the anniversary of your marriage to H. That marriage didn't work out so well. When you and H reconcile, and it sticks, that will be the anniversary to celebrate. Make that more likely by being independent and strong today. Don't go over there and remind him of the marriage that didn't work out so well. Remind him of what he's lost by NOT showing up!
MB - glad to see you posting again. I am also glad you found a new IC that you like.
Me too! I have only ever been to one IC before so I had NO IDEA how not helpful he was until I talked to someone else. The first one was easy to talk to, but never really offered any insight or advice on how to change or fix things. I really think this new one is going to do that and so much more. I am finally hopeful that I will get the help I need to work through things that are going on now as well as things I have buried from my past.
I guess you need to look at it from what you hope to accomplish? What would breaking NC do for you or to benefit your R?
Not sure I really hope to accomplish anything today. It's my anniversary and I just FEEL like I'm supposed to share it with my H. I know he doesn't feel the same way. But I would like to at least be in the same room with him at some point today. Just to see him. I'm just so sad today and I don't want to feel this way. Tired of the tears running down my face. Especially tired of them being for someone who doesn't seem to care one bit about me. Unfortunately, I haven't stopped caring about him yet.
As for breaking NC in general, it's NOT WORKING. The book says to do what works. Try something, monitor the results, then try something else if it's not working. Well, it's been weeks....months of NC and it really isn't working. I have honestly tried, but it just isn't getting me anything at all except out of sight out of mind. That's it! I don't know what else to do, but I just don't feel like this is it. I would certainly welcome anyone else's advice if they have any to offer.
MB, today is the anniversary of your marriage to H. That marriage didn't work out so well. When you and H reconcile, and it sticks, that will be the anniversary to celebrate. Make that more likely by being independent and strong today. Don't go over there and remind him of the marriage that didn't work out so well. Remind him of what he's lost by NOT showing up!
WHY...WHY...WHY do you make sense when you're giving someone else advice and looking at their situation, but you run around chasing your tail while KNOWING it's not working for you???????
Thank you for the post. I don't know what I will end up doing today. Sometimes I get things in my head and just can't stop myself. I will try to stay level headed though. Maybe I will go buy myself some chocolate (It makes EVERYTHING better!), a new dress, and take my son out to dinner tonight instead of seeing H. It won't be the same, but I sure do love my son and he has been through a lot.
Say a prayer for me because God knows I want to go over there........
TYLER, you always make me feel better, WHERE ARE YOU?
MB...you do not want to break NC with H on your anniversary. I'm not so sure that it's a good idea at all, but if you're going to do it anyway, don't do it on an emotionally charged day like today. WAS don't care about this stuff, and the fact you will have an emotional reaction to it just means you will come away from any interaction feeling hurt. You will have expectations in reaching out to him...its unavoidable. And he is not going to live up to them. Trust me...it [censored]. Last year on our anniversary, I tried doing the same thing. H did not even acknowledge me. It's bad enough to be kicked in the teeth and rejected on any ordinary day of the week. It's far worse to feel it on a day you're emotional about.
^^^ Annab knows what she's talking about, M. It's good advice. And I really like your idea about chocolate, a new dress, and dinner out. That's very wise.
Hi MB. So happy your back home and S was released. It may have seemed early to you. I'm sure if they had concerns they would have kept him.
You are a very strong woman. Remember that. My advice. Do NOT go see H today. I honestly see nothing good coming from you seeing H today.
If he thinks of you and feels a need to contact you he will. I am asking you to let it be for now for your own sanity.
When I read you wanted to see H today at his place in hopes of a positive reaction to anniversary. I tried to think of the positives from it. And negatives.
If the situation is negative it is going to have a far stronger effect on you personally than a positive one.
Best positive I see is all is forgiven and starting a new R. Chances of that I'm sorry to say aren't high right now. And if it did happen there will still be a lot of work and still no promise of success.
Worst case, and I have been avoiding this one cause it would crush me. You go over to see him and OW is there. It would destroy any progress I had made.
I'm wish your situation today would have gave me the opportunity to make you feel better. It makes me smile knowing you are smiling at my words.
Remember you are a beautiful desirable woman. Any man would be lucky to have you. We all need to be lucky to have ourselves first tho.
You will make it through this MB. And we are all here to help.
Hi mb
I'm still floating around I've been no contact for 3 months now it's hard I still think about her everyday. I have to agree with the other posters about today and reaching out on your anniversary. I can't see someone who shows no interest in you reciprocating anything positive. Hold your head up have faith in yourself we all know we have positives and negatives. Everyone here had chosen to work on themselves learn grow and change. Stick with it let as they say be a great person only a fool would let go!
Well done on the new IC a good one that offers feedback books to read or sets homework for you will help. It took me a few to find on that fitted in with me.
I wish your son a speedy recovery and hope he bounces back . I'm sorry that your husband didn't respond or reach out that's on him all we can do it be responsible for our own actions
Take care today MB
Brad
Thank you to everyone that took the time to write to me about my anniversary. It has come and gone. I've tried really hard not to think about it since it passed but it's been hard. I had made up my mind that I was going to go over there on that day. I decided that weeks ago. Then, with my son being in the hospital and H ignoring me when I tried to tell him, I was so mad that I really wasn't sure what to do anymore. I was still on the fence about it right up to the night of.
That afternoon I had lunch with my mom and one of my daughters. Around 5 I fixed my makeup and took my D to work. My plan was to go to see H on my way back home. My plans all changed when I found out that my D called H and asked him if she should try to dissuade me from going over there. OMG! Are you kidding me!!!? I know her heart was in the right place as she was just trying to protect my feelings, but I could have just died! I know he must have thought I put her up to making that call. I never even told her that I was going over there. UGH! In that one 2 minute phone call she completely ruined any chance of me being able to go over there. I looked like a fool! I asked her what he said when she asked him that. She said that he told her YES. So, basically I got the knife in the heart without the benefit of getting to see him. Happy anniversary to me! And for anyone that's not clear on it, I did NOT go over there.
I have found myself in a bit of a weird place since then. Not really sure what to make of it. I don't know if it's because I'm just SO hurt by him right now. Or, if it's because of how long this has been going on. Or maybe it's just the stress of my son's accident. Not sure. I just find that I'm not really sure how I feel about H any more. I mean, it's been 5 months now. I have sat over here by myself and he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. When something happens, he doesn't care. If I need to talk to someone, he doesn't want it to be him. He is completely unavalable to me. I have had him hurt me over and over by refusing to see me, not answering my phone calls and texts, rolling his eyes when I go over there, and he has chosen her over me not once but twice. He would rather listen to her stories than mine. Comfort her instead of me. Confide in her while not giving me the time of day. I reach out to him and when I leave, he calls her after sitting there and ignoring me. I don't know if I'm just numb from being hurt so much by him, or if I'm actually starting to detach, or what the deal is. I just find myself not caring as much as I once did. It actually makes me sad. Sad that this might be the beginning of me letting go. The beginning of me moving on and leaving him behind as he has done to me. The beginning of the end of us.
I just said that it makes me sad, but I'm not even sure that's true. I guess I do feel numb to it right now. I just wonder if being kicked so many times when I was just trying to hold on to my H has finally shifted things even if only a little. I'm thinking the rope feels a little lighter right now than it ever has. It makes me feel incredibly lonely. Of all the feelings I have, that is the none that I hate the most.
I don't really know what I want anymore, but I do know that I'm tired of being married to someone that would rather talk to ANYONE other than me. I guess this hurts so much because I KNOW that I was not the problem. I bent over backwards trying to make him happy. Trying to be what he wanted while he constantly changed the rules. I took all the blame for his bad behaviors. Let him criticize and put me down for things that weren't even true about me. He really has no reason to treat me badly at all. I should be the one throwing him away, but instead I have been desperately trying to convince myself that he would come back. I just don't believe it anymore and I'm tired of him constantly choosing ow over me.
I guess I'm just venting here. I don't have anywhere else to do it. He was the only person I ever talked to. I guess I'm just trying to understand how I feel. It's like up to my anniversary I was trying so hard to hold onto hope, and now it's just gone. One day I had hope, the next day it was just not there. Maybe that's how he felt. One day he loved me, the very next day he just didn't. Simple as that. Just hard to believe but I really don't have any choice.
I know from 5 months worth of experience that my moods cycle without warning. I wonder, if I ever get to sleep, how I will feel when I wake up. Surely this resigned feeling won't stick permanently just yet. Or, maybe it will. I prefer the anger. I wish it would come back around and stay for a while.
If anyone is still reading this, thanks. I really do appreciate it.
I have been reading as I do a lot on here. I do give my opinions and advice where I feel I can help. I definitely am not like a lot here in the way of offering comfort and telling everyone how wrong the WAS is etc.
I know validating is something I have always needed work on with w and all people.
With that said I try to refrain from coming across mean.
But I am here for support. I was once like many here and only wanted to hear what I wanted and would get upset at the rest. That goes away with time.
All I can offer right now is that your h wants space and to be away. That can change but right now that is all he wants. Getting in the way of that is going to keep making this hard.
I do feel for you as I know how painful it is.
Just keep posting and reading.
I am so sorry, MB. I can relate to almost everything you wrote in that post. It is really hard to try to stick to the rules when the H keeps changing the rulebook but he doesn't give it to you to read. My H also had a PA, so I am very empathetic to your situation.
I wish I could offer more comfort to you. And, I agree with otw, give your H space and time. What I will advise is to be gentle with yourself - take care of yourself. Can you get a massage, pedicure or take a yoga class? Something that will soothe your soul.
Hi MB!
I am so sorry I wasn't around when you posted that. It bothers me to hear the pain in your words. I want you to know your not alone with your feelings. A lot of time I crave the anger too, it's easier than the other emotions.
Don't beat yourself up because of this. You are an amazing woman that put up with a lot of BS. The way H treated you was ridiculous. He didn't see you or appreciate you for the blessing to this world that you are.
I say take brokes advice and go do something nice for yourself. Massage, mani-pedi, gigalo, new hair style or colour, retail therapy. All the things you deserve.
You are always here for me when I am up or down. I, as will a lot of others, will be here for you through the ups and downs too
Mb. Respond to this ASAP.
I just missed you is all. What's new? How was your day?
Sorry if I worried you. Don't be mad. I just hope you had a good day today
Awwww....that's so nice to hear! I sure don't get that very often. Not unless it's NY or Rain.
. I didn't necessarily have a great weekend. I'm way too embarrased to tell you about my Friday night. It. Was way less than exciting. AND NO, NY AND RAIN, YOU MAY NOT TELL EITHER! I will say that I was definitely out of the house and trying my hardest to GAL.
. Little did I know that Friday was actually going to be the best night of the whole weekend. UGH.
Saturday started off good. I had a late lunch/early dinner planned with an old friend. She's going to be moving out of state soon and I haven't seen her in a couple of years. We were just going to go eat and then catch up on what's new with the both of us. Unfortunately, she ended up having to work because someone had called in. Apparently I had been on the edge of tears and just didn't know it till that moment. I ended up crying and then decided to go out to see my parents just to get out of the house. Probably would have been fine, but I just had to pass by H's house. Not sure why I do that. I KNOW better. Sigh...... Really wasn't expecting ow's truck to be there. I would like to say that it didn't bother me, but that's probably not true. I did make it a little better by eating ice cream and then popcorn for dinner.
I guess that brings us to Sunday. It was actually a pretty good day right up till the end. I decided around 1AM that if H can sleep with another woman in our bed, then there's no reason I should continue to not do things just because he wouldn't like it. SO, I made my very own Facebook page! WOOHOO!!!! I think I have 36 friends so far. I stayed up this morning and worked on it. It was actually a lot of fun! Very glad I did it. And, I don't care one little bit what H thinks about it. If he can have an affair, he no longer gets to control me! Okay, I know, he shouldn't ever control me affair or not. I know. It's just easier to give in though. I have always hated the fighting. My oldest daughter had my youngest stay with her for the past week for spring break. She brought her back this evening. Sure was good to see both of them! Like I said, it was a pretty good day right up until the end.
Unfortunately, I discovered this evening that my son got not one but 2 tickets from his accident. I couldn't believe it when I saw it. One of them was for failure to control speed resulting in an accident. Are you kidding me? He was run over by a school bus while he was driving his motorcycle. She ran him over on his side of the road. Then he gets ticketed and blamed for the wreck. I was beyond mad. I have had so much to deal with lately, and then this. So, I decided to go for a walk to calm my nerves. I was talking to a friend on the phone and when I got to the end of the street, I was just standing there in an empty parking lot talking on the phone. A police officer drove by me and then pulled in and got out to talk to me. She acted like I was breaking some kind of law by being out for a walk. She kept asking me questions, asked for ID, etc. I guess I had finally had enough of it and asked her if she was seriously running my information to "check me out" because I'm out for a walk and talking on the phone. She actually called for backup and a second officer arrived. I honestly thought they were about to take me straight to jail! Now, I am the quietest, most respectful NONCONFRONTATIONAL person you would ever want to meet. It was just laughable for her to treat me like that. I mean seriously, did she REALLY think I was a threat to her? Thank goodness my common sense took over even if only briefly so I could take a deep breath and just STFU! See there, DB at it's finest!!! Anyway, they finally let me go. By then, it had gotten dark and I was still so mad that I ended up walking about 3 1/2 miles. I was NOT dressed for that. LOL, now my legs are sore and I have blisters on the bottom of my left foot.
I just can't seem to win these days. I am determined to have a better day tomorrow. I don't know how, but surely it has to be better, right?
I sure wish I could tell you that things have been great for me. It just seems like this dark cloud follows me around these days. I think my turn is over. That cloud needs to go rain on someone else's parade and leave me alone. My turn is over!! Maybe it can pick an OW or OM to follow around for a while.
How have things been with you? I'm going to look and see if I can find your post on the DB FB page. Maybe I will have better luck this time. Hope I didn't scare you away with all the gloom and doom that seems to be my life lately. I'm really hoping it passes soon!
I'm sorry you had a rough weekend MB. I truly hope the sun breaks through the clouds for you. I am glad you came here and journaled.
On the positive side, this tough weekend brought you to the point where you took a step and made a fb page, something you wanted to do. The police got you to realize you can step back and handle situations as frustrating as they may be.
Today will be a good day for you. Keep your chin up MB
I had hoped that today would be better, but that doesn't seem to be the case. This seems to be a year from hell for me and I see no end in sight. It looks like things are over for me. For my hope. For my marriage. The last time my husband saw me he knew, but chose not to say anything to me. He talked to me, hugged me goodbye and seemed more calm. I had hoped it was because he was softening. Instead it is because he is completely done. I was just served with divorce papers. He didn't even warn me. Just let the shock of it slap me in the face when the sherif pounded on my door.
MB. I am very sorry to hear that. I know you didn't need another stress piled on. We are here for you as much as we can be. It always hurts to see good people getting the pointed end of the stick. Things will turn around MB. I can't say when or how, they can't all be bad days tho.
Im so sorry, MB.
But remember, there are countless stories of people who were in the process of D that reconciled. Many of them even divorced and remarried each other.
I know seeing those papers in black and white are a shock to your system and it stings. It's ok to feel sad, this whole situation is sad.
Honestly, from an outsiders perspective looking in, your H seems very cruel. He was cruel when you were together and he was cruel when your S had an accident.
If things don't work out with your H, I want you to know there are men out there that would LOVE to be with a woman like you. Men that will honor and respect you. Men that will trust you. And men that will walk through fire for a woman like you.
Allow yourself to feel your feelings, MB. The fastest way through them, is through them.
Hang in there, we're all rooting you on.
M, Thornton just posted this and I'm going to copy it here for you to read.
THORNTON:
Thanks everyone for your feedback, I really appreciate it.
I was just visiting the forum titled "Advice from Wise DBers". And there's this one post that I always seem to go back to draw strength from.
I hope it helps you as much as it helps me....
"Gday Steve
I have followed your post some but wanted to jump on to give you some thoughts. From my side I went through this seperation hell for over a year, I did not see my wife for fourteen months, was involved in three court cases (I was absent from them) and I would have talked to her four times in the four months leading up to these cases - I was living 15000kms away from her away.
Through the time of our seperation I was on the recieving end of some great verbal 'abuse' by my wife. She said she hated me, I was going to hell, I was untrustworthy, a liar, a minupulator, etc etc. Through the time she accused me of two affairs of which she said she had proof and a whole range of other things as well (none of which was true).
Mate my greatest shock in all this was a week before the final court case (which was going to last a minimum of three days in the court) my wife contacted me out completely unexpectantly and wanted to get back together. The end result is we are back together and moving along well.
Through this time I made every DB mistake that is possible to make. In the end the one thing I did well was detach from her and make her see what life by herself was going to be. What I am saying in the following is a combination of (1) myself being able to detach from the hell and emotional turmoil of seperation that you are going through and (2) from a number of conversations that I have with my wife since we have reconcilled. My story is spread across newcomers, seperated and surving but I have no idea how many pages back they now lurk.
Firstly from what you are written you have a very good chance of fixing things up in your sitch BUT you have to start detaching from this. There are some things that you have to learn that you cant control and stop fighting them. As hard as it is questions about OM, cell phone bills, etc are just going to alienate your wife and push her further away from you. One of the hardest things your going to have to do is suck these questions into you and not say anything to your wife. When things are getting too you - go to the gym, go for a walk or run or just vent here. Do NOT bring up your suspicions to your wife it is just going to highlight the reasons to herself why she 'left' you, and believe me at this stage she is looking for things to justify her actions to herself.
So a couple of things that I have found out from my wife that I am almost certain pertain to you sitch as well.
Your wife loves you and thinks about you continuously. They do not turn this off overnight, she is just very confused at the moment about her feelings.
Your wife misses you and the closeness that you had. She is trying to replace it at the moment with nights out with friends, etc. But watch mate, these friends will come and go and she will look at you as the constant in her life.
Your wife is angry at the moment and she will direct that anger to you. As the seperation progresses she will start to loose this anger and will likely push your buttons to get you into a fight so that she can then validate her feelings of anger towards you to herself. Remember it is always easy to put the blame on someone else other then the scarey step of accepting that some fault does lie with themselves.
Your wife does NOT hate you. She is confused about the feelings and the turmoil that she is experiancing at the moment. That confusion will come out in some truely aweful things that will be said but while she may 'think' she feels this, she doesnt. Accept the confusuion, dont fight it as you will only push her away and validate her feelings to herself.
Your wife remembers just about everything you say in this time. You dont have to keep reinforcong it in the hope that she 'hears it'. I am continually amazed at the things my wife is able to recollcet that were said in comments a year ago in the mdist of our darkest period. They do hear however at the moment they just are not ready to validate or accept what your saying.
Mate these are just a few of the points that I have picked up from my conversations with my wife (there are many more). In the end I did nothing spectactular, there are many far better 'dbers' on this board then I ever was or ever will be. The one thing I did was detach - in my mind my marriage was over and I got on with life. She then had to relaise what 'independance' truely was and to her credit and my good fortune she took the step of holding out the branch of reconcilliation and it was probably one of the bravest things she has done in her life.
You have many things going for you in your current sitch but you have to be patient and detach as best as you can. Now this does not mean turn away from your wife, ignore her, be mean, etc. It means look after you, look after your children and make sure you are happy and as much as you can project that happiness (my wife said that it was when she saw I had got my confidence back in myself and I stopped the begging, whining, 'acting' stuff that she got her attraction back to me). This will show more to her then any statements of 'look how much I have changed'.
In yourself you have to see that this whole db stuff is more then another 'tactic' on how to get your wife back. I think in honesty many on the board would say that this is how they are using it and get frustrated when they dont see immediate results. I know it took me quite a few months until I stopped using it as this 'tactic' and say it as a means of working on me and making me happy. In the end I would have been happy with me even if I had not reconciled.
This aint easy, in fact if your like me it is the hardest thing you will have to do in you life - it is something that I never want to go through again. You will make mistakes just remember it is not the end of the world when you do,
I wish you all the best and I hope for your success.
Andrew"
I'm so sorry MB, wish I could give you a big hug. I can only imagine how hard it can be. I'm trying to put things into perspective but would you want someone in your life when your H didn't even reach to you when your son was ill?
Thinking of you xxxx
MB, I have been here for a while, but have only today read your posts. Your posts title caught my eye because I too am trying to detach and then I read about your son and I am so sorry. I am really happy he is back at home and recovering as well.
It's so hard to come to terms with the person that your spouse is or has become. His failure to show concern regarding son is horrific, but as you know, we cannot make them do what is right. They have freedom of will and they have to love with their choices. The more you discuss with or try to reason the more they resist. You too, have many choices right now (even though it doesn't feel like it) You have the choice to disengage completely. We might not be detached but at least we can fake it. We can also choose to be good examples though , by doing the right thing in the face of turmoil and chaos.
NYGAL, Thank you for posting that advise. So helpful. It brought me hope. I also like to understand more about what it is the walk aways are thinking. I truly hope this is difficult for them. It would have to be, right?
MB - I am so sorry. I know how devastating it was for me to get the divorce papers and I knew they were coming. I can't imagine how painful it was to not even have the courtesy of a heads up when they arrived. Know that we are all thinking of you. ((Hugs))
MB, how are you doing today?