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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2649539&page=1How do you like your Toast? At this stage in my relationship dance, my toast is burnt.....as in....this train continues to head to the big D. I have to make light of it as its the only thing I can do at this point besides all the stuff I have read.
Recap sitch is below as I needed to start a new thread
L's meet shortly to start at least how the rest of our lives will look as we decided we could not discuss initially together while being in the same house.
I have read many stories and have thought about "what if in a few months, and one of us is not here and living separately, most likely me.....she misses me and wants to discuss our R". I guess this is the fantasy or hope of some us that is crazy and many times unrealistic.
This week was the first week i could say I would have the hardest time even considering any type of R if that happened.
Its not healthy anymore to deal in fantasy so I have stopped thinking about this except for a close friend who asked me tonight about it and posed that question.
In the past I would have jumped at it. I hesitated, felt my anger and resentment boil up, and said not sure I could even think about it at this point. Reality strikes....
________________________
Me: 49
Her: 53
D:6
M: 10+ years
8/2015: Not quite ILYBNILWY but hinting at it; separate bedrooms
9/2015: Few counseling sessions; thinks I should move out, needs space; i don't
11/2015: decide to try some more counseling but while not saying it, can tell she is not here anymore. Refutes any EA or PA
1/2016: Wants a D
1/25/2016: Got the papers about this day...its all fuzzy now. L's involved
Still in same house...ugh
I'm sorry for you, Rich4j. I feel exactly the same about being on the D train. And I'm convinced my H is back with his OW as of this weekend. However, I only wish I could consider rejecting the idea of reconciling. Even after 7 months, I would still welcome the chance to at least try. But he filed, bought a house and told our sons the D is proceeding. So, I think it's time for me to start rejecting the idea too. Sorry you are feeling discouraged. I completely understand. And we have very similar timelines.
Even after 7 months, I would still welcome the chance to at least try. But he filed, bought a house and told our sons the D is proceeding. So, I think it's time for me to start rejecting the idea too. Sorry you are feeling discouraged. I completely understand. And we have very similar timelines.
I think its hard "Broke" to pack away the idea of R. But I have had too and while i say its done, i actually only in the last month or so have really FELT it.
My prior thread, Hope is not a Strategy, is how i felt. Hoping things would change but it just hurt too much.
She has turned colder, selfish, and acting as if she is already divorced. Its a bad environment for me to be in the same house and for those of us that have to endure this it is painful.
Just not really fair that I am the one who probably has to physically leave the house when she is the one who wants out. As she would say "you are the one who left me a few years ago "...... Justify Justify Justify
Starting to figure out the financials and I have no idea how I will manage. Things feel bleak in that department.
It got worse tonight. Damn Lawyers....my L seemed to think she should throw some character darts at my STBX which her lawyer "bent" out of shape and now has turned the hostile environment into a war zone. No talking...just glares and probably no niceties the rest of this adventure.
She is now playing the victim and that she is hurt ...even said the word she "hates" me now based on what the lawyers said and her L told her.
How does that happen? I am the one being divorced, having to leave and she is the victim and hates me? I did stand up to that rant and I think keeping my cool is driving her a bit batty....
Ugh..where did my great former W go? Time to carry on.
Aaaand this is why I don't like dealing with L. They make their money off of turning a bad situation worse. Sorry if I have offended anyone, but there are actually quite a few in my family (and a federal judge). As far as Ls go, manipulation creates opportunity and troubled marriages breed both.
My journey into D land has just begun. I'm already getting hints from both Ls that they are going to make this adversarial (meeting in separate rooms, no face to face even in mediation).
Keep Dbing, stand tough, but understand that if you are truly wanting to save your marriage, be the good guy and don't let the L make YOUR actions be emotional reactions. Only you control you.
My ex-wife used to email my L all the time with mundane questions. Every time he responded, I got billed. She was doing this intentionally to ruin me financially.
I finally had to tell him NOT to respond to her emails unless I authorized it.
So sorry to hear that things have taken a turn for the worse, rich4j.
I think that ciluzen is right on target. Keep your head up and rise above all that rancor you are seeing and be the calm adult in this situation. If nothing else, you will be able to look back on your own behavior and know that it was admirable.
We may not be able to keep our relationships, but we can keep our self-respect.
Good advice all....i have kept my head up and trying to stay calm
She brought up some things last night that let me know she is hurting. I would have formally looked at these as signs of hope..hey...she may want me back!! But no....just statements that I know this isn't easy for her either but the truth is I don't care. I want her to hurt bad....and that is the honest truth The last 6 months she put me thru can never be repaired so I have no remorse in her feeling bad for a long time AS LONG as it doesnt impact my D
Self respect, pride and staying above the noise. I can only focus on being a great dad and person at this point
Have been lurking but not posting for a bit as I was GAL'ing with some close friends who were in town and got to out in the "big city' fora visit
Finally told 4 of my close friends the sitch. They were very shocked and dissapointed with my STBX
ONe in fact told me how pissed off he was for years now about a sitch that she put all of us in when they visited My STBX was rude, and they made an effort to travel to visit us and she did her own thing ignoring my friends wife Things were weird since then and now I know. Said he wasn't surprised I was getting divorced and while he knew I loved her, said I deserve better. Wow...that was shocking
Was really sad. I actually broke down a bit after talking about my daughter while we were out one night.....they never saw me like this but were super supportive
Came back and my STBX was rude and actually we got into it this am. Blamed me for her not working for years.....what? what? she made a choice years ago to stay home even before we had a daughter and was fortunate to be able to do so. Had a part time job and now blames me? Geez...that was an all time low ..... Blame Blame Blame away
They are pro's at that.
My waw called me abusive because I yelled at her when she came out and told me she had been living a double life (drinking behind my back) for a year, while I worked my ass off to buy our house.
Go figure...
Believe nothing they say.
Believe nothing they say.
Yes...it is unreal at this point
While many here are working on trying to get back to that "place", I only can feel resentment at this point and disgust. She has gone to a place that I see no return and I can only hope we can co-parent together for the sake of D6.
Sorry to hear things continue to deteriorate for you. I'm not too far behind you and I'm very worried that the D Process will become very adverserial between my WW and I. Hope hasn't done any good for me either but prayer has helped my sanity and is about my only hope for a miracle.
I hear you about your W hurting. It's hard. I don't want her too hurt but I do at the same time. Wish we weren't in our respective situations but we are. I continue to hope things work for you even though it hasn't helped yet. Be well. Vaya con dios.
I'm very worried that the D Process will become very adverserial between my WW and I.
I hope the D process is not painful for you....or maybe doesnt happen at all
I find it hard to believe this was the person i married. She said the same about me today that she doesnt know who i am and has played victim all day
Its crazy to see this in motion. I can't even write some of the things she blamed me for today as its hard to even believe she said these things. Next I think she will blame me for Trump running for president ! (no offense to Trump fans)
Seems like the standard script. The walk away demonizes us to justify their actions.
The spewing is all WAS script. It helps them justify their choices. When YOU choose to accept it for what it is and not take it personal, you will be in a healthier place. Continue to work on being detached.
You mentioned that you feel a lot of resentment towards your W. That is part of the journey. It is good to process those feelings. Just don't live there. You are essentially giving her control over your emotions when you allow yourself to remained filled with negative feelings. Choices my friend. You choose to be better or you choose to be bitter.
How is you GAL going? What are you plans going forward?
You mentioned that you feel a lot of resentment towards your W. That is part of the journey. It is good to process those feelings. Just don't live there. You are essentially giving her control over your emotions when you allow yourself to remained filled with negative feelings. Choices my friend. You choose to be better or you choose to be bitter.
How is you GAL going? What are you plans going forward?
LITB/Thorton----thanks.....appreciate the feedback
Gal is going well. Just need to be more engaged when GAL'ing and not thinking and talking about my sitch...its detracts from the fun.
I really have lost a ton of respect in the last month for her that I will never get back. I always try to look forward but she has said some real hurtful stuff.
Can't believe your sitch LITB looking thru your stuff again. You are a strong person to be able go thru what you have. I just can't fathom my sitch ever turning around as we head to D and she has gotten nasty.
Just trying to move on but as you all know its hard. Days I just scratch my head and cry....days I can't wait to be out of the bees nest
Hey Folks
Took some much needed time off from the board...did post a few comments but nothing on my sitch as I have been too slammed with trying to find a place to live and just everything that is swirling in my world
Some who are in the same sitch of having to move on with the D looming or being negotitated know what i mean when your world has been already turned upside down with the STWX and then having to REALLY figure out life afterwards
Had some great time with my D but still manage to cry in certain situations as I love her dearly and cringe at the day we are going to tell her which hasn't happneded yet. I worry constantly she wont want to be around me as much as her due to the custody we are working on and the neighborhood I "wont have" which is really unfair
We have started to tell more people and I have gotten weird reactions from some of my friends like they know how hard she is to deal with etc....
Hard to find a place to live as I have pets and still struggle with "why am I moving?" It really is such a huge life changing event and she really has had to do nothing but tell me she doesn't love me anymore, etc...
Who said the world is a fair place
Hi Folks...
Been gone for a few weeks as I needed a break to focus on me and my daughter and my sitch.
Things have only gotten worse with the pending D and we now have a date set for an arm wrestling match. My STBX is super unreasonable as even her lawyer is a bit frustrated from what my L said with her and being irrational.
I took my D on a mini vaca and we had the time of our lives togther. Bonded so well that I have super emotional unforutnatley in front of her a few times thinking about her poor face and reaction when we tell her about us splitting up.
It is killing me inside. I actually had to go into the bathroom after talking with her today on our way home from vac as I lost it.
Have any others had the kids not react poorly when they are this young (6) and they tell their loved young ones about the divorce? Ugh. Killing me inside and now can't keep my act together
Rich,
I'm still headed for D.
Told the kids D14 and S12 when I found out about the affair.
Told both of them and D7 when the D started.
D7 cried, and was very sad. Has had some issues at school, but counselor is talking with her every week. W and I don't fight, hardly talk anymore, I moved all my stuff to the basement, looking for a condo right now.
If wife is unreasonable to you and even her lawyer, you might want to tell daughter on her own - in case you wife spins the narrative that you're the sole cause for the D. I'm not a socialworker though, so I'd ask the vets on this board.
Once D7 found out, she has been ok with things - even went with me to see the condo I'm looking at. As long as she gets equal mom/dad time, and I'm trying to live as close as possible, it should make the transition as easy as possible. Not that the D won't put huge hurdles for my kids in the future - some are for me to tackle, some are for God. Just trying to make it day to day.
thanks Trumpet and appreciate the feedback Best with your sitch and glad your kids are doing ok with it
Its so hard. She is so special to me as an only child and thrive"d" around Family concept
We have done a bit of co parenting counseling but it ended up in her using it as a blame sessions so I stopped for a while but I know my daughter knows somehting is up
In our custody stuff we are wokring thru I won't have her 50/50 as my job takes me away sometimes during the week but it is close to more like 40-45%. I didn't sign up for this when having my daughter and it breaks my heart.
I would change my entire job/life if I could have her 100% of the time.... I sometimes wish my STBX would just move away by herself and not turn back :-)
I just read some articles on telling a young one about D.
My STBX is such a bully sometimes I can't let her own the conversation so I am going to write this out and we are going to own parts of it. I get sick to my stomach even thinking about having this talk which is going to be soon. We have a Lawyer meeting shortly and may have part 1 of this mess wrapped up and hopefully i can find a place and get out
I read some of the posts and really hope for a better outcome than where I am at and wish the best to some who hopefully found this board and help sooner than I did. We are at the point of really disliking each other which [censored]. I still think she is having an EA but doesnt matter at this point
In the same house is bad but it is what it is. Its hard to stay positive as I go from sad to glad from being content when I see my freinds to gloomy thinking about being alone on days I won't have my daughter and will be in a new place by myself. I hope i can find a place hwere i can have the dog for a bit.
Cheers....
I haven't seen my doggies in 4 years. We put our 12 year pug to sleep in the middle of our divorce. She took our jack Russell (my love) and our lab with her. I ask my d how they are when I pick her up.
It is a big loss. You will find peace soon. Be good to you ok
thx Rick
Putting your dog down during the D...ugh...double pain
Do you get to see your dogs at all?
The entire Divorce is hitting home on all fronts now. We spend weekends apart and my poor daughter of course has picked up on this.
The STBX is just starting to realize the rreality too of the financial aspects of this now and how scary it is for her. While she will be fine for a few years based on probably outcome of the settlement/alimony, and of course I want to ensure my Daughter is taken care of, she is now realizing all the stuff I took care of that she ignored and didn't care about.
it was one of the reasons that I checked out from her as she didn't care about how i was making it all work which was hurtful.
I will soon be out of there as living together in this sitch is too hard. We will have the dreaded D talk with our daughter probably in the next 2-3 weeks and I will be out maybe in april /may.
It will be lonely. I will need to pick up the dogs now and then to keep me company when my daughter isn't with me. Life is changing....and getting real
Hang in their rich4j.
I just moved out over a month ago and boy was it tough at first.
I think tell our D (who is almost 3 years) was tougher on us than it was on her probably because of her age. The key is telling her you both will always love her no matter what and that you are still a family but except she will have two homes.
I promise you your pain will ease a bit as time goes by if you do your homework. I'm no expert but I will share what I've done in the last month:
I'm starting to spend a lot more time on this board and it's given me a sense of community even though it's online. This board has helped me the most so far. Keep reading and posting!
Also, I'm trying to journal each day.
I have 3 journals, Regular, Angry, Grateful.
Finally, I used a guided meditation to fight anxiety before and after I see my WW/STBXW. (you can download scribd on your smartphone and get the healing guided meditation audio book. It's about 15mins and it does wonders)
I initially thought that meditation and journalling was a bunch of hokey poky until I tried it and saw instant results.
Hope that maybe it will help you.
thx 1grD!
I go thru periods of ups and downs. Big down week/day.....its about the daughter more than anything as I melt when I see her. And can't get around the hurt we are going to cause her. It [censored]...(she is 6 and loves FAMILY) I find myself tearing up always thinking about her and the pain.
Boy are we going to ruin her sense and love of Family. It is the part of this that makes me so angry against my STBX. She is so selfish not only in her words but actions now. To the point that I have gone from I would do anything to save this marriage to "really"? Even if she said lets work this out I don't know if I could at this point which kills me.
It is lonely wihtout my family. I can only hope that the part time I get to see her and spend time with her/dogs is quality and can be something I can build upon besides my other activities/friends.
Rich4j, your daughter is going to be fine, it's you I'm more worried about. It's key for your to keep your composure when D is around you. Little eyes are watching. Do whatever it takes to get yourself to a better place so you can be the guiding light to your D. The best thing that happened from my separation is the alone time I get with my daughter, I didn't have as much of that when we were living all together. This time spent alone with my D is priceless and one of the gifts of my separation.
I've made friends with other single parents with kids or my friends who have kids and we go for play dates on the weekends. This has helped with the loneliness.
You can meet people online. I went to a single parent meet site, though it was a dating site I mentioned in my profile that I was just looking for friendship at this point and kids playdates. (It's important to heal before dating so careful not to get drawn into dating until you ready)
1Gr...agree.
I love the alone time with my D. We have the best time and whats really strange is my STBX has not spent the time with her and now is starting to do what she needs to thank goodness. She almost takes it like a competition against me which is not healthy. She is living a fbook life and posts anytime she does fun stuff with the daughter...whatever
I do take her on playdates but she has a bunch of friends on the street we live where i no longer will be. Hoping i can find a place that has some young kids in the hood
I have ups /downs but I know it will get better. I just honestly miss my STBX as I have days I can't believe who she is and don't want anything to do with her and days where I miss her so much like the last few.
I am lookign forward to "time" healing the wounds
I don't know how many of "us" poor folks have had to have the "we are getting" divorced conversation with their kids but from the months on this board it seems many have...
Unfortunately my D is young and am concerned she will be crushed. I started to write out our "script" as I dont trust my STBX to wing this as she is off the rails. I started to write down what we would say and lost it. I have to be strong when we tell her and can't cry and break down as we talked to a co parenting counselor but I really don't know how I will do this.
I have still not found a new place to live as its been tough. While my Lawyer iniitially said don't move out she now says I should since we are going to have a custody arrangement in place and interim financial arrangement.
Its real and raw right now. any that have gone thru this with young ones (6 yr old) and have questions they have asked please let me know so I can be prepared ....thanks and god bless
rich4j,
You just have to keep it simple with D. Mommy and Daddy love you and you will have two homes is what I have been telling my S's.
Holy cow JimKao...you have an army of kids! That is awesome and hope you are well as I read thru your sitch a bit.
How did they react? My daughter is an only child and tied pretty close to a bunch of friends in the neighborhood and us of course.
Mom is more the disciplinarian so she seeks her approval alot more than more but I have gotten a bit tougher on her in terms of just kid stuff
I know i am over thinking this but i know this impacts kids no matter what us adults think about being resilient blah blah blah
How's your D going? I have the same issue with my S11, he is an only child and we literally spent all of our free time with him since his birth. I told him about the EA as part of the Exposure very early on, he teared up that day but has been strong since.
Luckily my WW was rational about this and we worked out 50/50 on custody very early on. She volunteered to take him to his baseball practice on my days as they have early starts (4pm sometimes) but I'll pick him up from there.
Of course everything is still theoretical for me as my WW is still living in the house. Move out date is imminent though as separation agreement has been signed.
Rich,
Saw you commented on my thread. How's it going with you? Does your D $uck as much as mine?
Rich
I wanted thank you for dropping by my thread and for your supportive words. I read through your story and I see a lot of similarities.
I am having one of those angry days where I want the WAW to just disappear into the oblivion. She has behaved in a manner over the past several months that I never saw in the past 20 years. It is mind boggling. I know we are not supposed to believe what they say, but she is cutting deep with what she is saying, how she is behaving, and treating me like I am some common criminal. It's insane, and I really just want it to be over in a manner that I don't ever need to see her.
Unfortunately I have a d5 and at the present time getting full custody of her is not in the cards. But I dread having to co parent with her because she can't conduct a simple conversation with me, so not sure how this is gonna work out.
Anyway I feel your pain, and I'm gonna keep checking in and lending support to you till we reach that sweet spot on the other side of all this. Whatever that may be. But that is one thought that keeps me going. I have my baby girls and there will be something better on the other side.
Hang tough brother.
SadHub,
I think it was in DivorceCare they said that it is actually more painful to have your spouse betray you than for your spouse to die. When your spouse dies, most of the time you have a loving relationship with her and you will mourn the loss but have closure. With infidelity, not only do you lose your love for the spouse, she is there to oppose you during the divorce and potentially get payments from you. Also, there is no closure if you have children, it just goes on forever.
So far, most of my days have been like your "angry days."
SadHub,
I think it was in DivorceCare they said that it is actually more painful to have your spouse betray you than for your spouse to die. When your spouse dies, most of the time you have a loving relationship with her and you will mourn the loss but have closure. With infidelity, not only do you lose your love for the spouse, she is there to oppose you during the divorce and potentially get payments from you. Also, there is no closure if you have children, it just goes on forever.
So far, most of my days have been like your "angry days."
I have been on the sidelines a bit just posting to others to lend support as being on this board for about 5 months has taught me alot and I try to provide support too as others did for me.
This last post by CWOL just hit me square in the eyes today.
I have listened and heard many on this board that gave me advice & support early on that there probably is an EA or PA going on which sprung my STBX into action to push for a divorce.
I buried my head in the sand becuz she came from a family where she had been disgusted by her dad/brothers infidelity. She would never stoop this low I said in my head!
But for months I could not prove anything but had a huge suspicion that there was enough to say yes..she had a long distance affair of some sort whether physical or not. It sooon didn't matter as we were heading for divorce which may be close to at least a temporary situation signed in the next few weeks. I have had to bite my tongue and suck it up regardless so we could live together until this gets done. So hard....suspect an affair, get treated like dirt, get threatened , stick up for yourself but only can to a point of being able to live in the same house....ugh....and to keep the smiley face for the daughter.
Well..today I got proof she at least has been in this PA for months at least from after she filed but I suspect before. She doesn't know I know but my first reaction was the same naseua I had when she told me she wanted a D.
Then the anger, resentment, hate....that I thought I had buried and moved on came back to the surface.
I was ready to text her as she is traveling (I suspect with him) but thought twice. What would this accomplish? And now? I need to at least wait until some ink is dry.
Anyone have experience dropping the "I know" bomb to someone who blames you for even probably getting into the affair ? I think most?
It doesn't hurt as much as I thought but just the outright lying makes me wonder who this person is? Was?
My D is young...just 7......and geez I can't tell her but this whole thing makes me look like such the bad guy the way my STBX spins things. Maybe at the right age I explain to her the truth in the future.
What a day.....
If your dropping the I know bomb make sure you have solid proof. They will lie through their teeth even if you catch them in the act. Be prepared to hear lies. That's been my experience. Hell my wife still won't admit it's an affair after I have all the proof in the world. She's just gonna divorce me and tear our family apart and never admit anything.
Sorry to hear your in a crappy position as well. Don't believe your the only problem and that's why there was an affair. The affair is all on her. It's a choice, just like hooding to work the problems out first before moving on.
rich,
I am sorry to hear that you are in a tough place today. I don't really have any advice as mine is still just a WAW, but many keep telling me something is off. I guess I just don't want to know at this point.
You have been lending great support to so many others and I know that they will be her for you and to share ideas.
You are doing great with D7. Keep it up and that will lend you strength from her love as well as from all the effort you put into being the stable parent for her.
As many say on here, be gentle with yourself. Let the emotions through. And know that anger is okay. Just be sure to temper it for your benefit. Vanilla has a great take on the different shades of anger and the benefits/drawbacks they have.
Take care this evening and share hugs with your little angel.
thx Nate/Sadhub
Solid proof? I think I do have what I need but don't care to have...
It's a helpless feeling and something I knew deep inside for months but it hurt less to not admit it. Admitting it now strangely enough feels better than if I did before as I dont hurt ...but just am angry and feel I can't do anything without hurting my situation more than it is already.
Calling her out now would feel great especially living in the same house but how that would play out is she would deny deny deny then would blame blame blame if she came clean and just make it so uncomfortable to even be around the same house together So I guess I suck it up and eat my pride and bury it deep inside until I am ready to let it out where it won't hurt our living situation as I don't want my daughter impacted and just stay away from her
Selfish is what she represents now. What type of mom goes away on Mothers day and leaves her daughter and mom on that special day to be with her fling?
Sadness followed by resentment followed by sadness followed by resentment. I get caught not following my own advice and have sometimes fallen off the "work on myself and be happy" wagon over the last few weeks.
The separation moving to divorce with the reality that I could be moving out within a month has been the cold water reality that has hit me in the face recently...I was doing really well but lately...i think things are hitting home now.
Part of me can't wait to have some peace and be on my own again.
The other part of me which is filled with sadness is all the unknown of leaving the house we had dreamed about just 2 years ago, the place my daughter loves and the neighborhood and the CONSTANT worry of "will my D6' hate me for this and blame me for the D? (even though STBX filed and drove it)
Is she going to hate my new home and be resentful towards me ? Is she going to say I want to be at mommy's! I miss my neighbordhood...take me home!
Do any of you with kids worry about this as a result of the pending divorce?
I find myself getting into the resentment cycle when thinking about this and how I can't control what's next with my move and daughter. And just praying she is OK
I was super resentful and angry with my STBX for most of the past 2-3 months. Times of crying wanting my old life back but recently have just been sad when thinking about her and me. And what could have been if we both took ownership of the issues and didn't quit.
Sometimes I think maybe she will want to come back to me in time and then reality sinks in. Shake off those thoughts and work on a path to getting happy....as I need it.
Have a good evening all.
Sadness followed by resentment followed by sadness followed by resentment. I get caught not following my own advice and have sometimes fallen off the "work on myself and be happy" wagon over the last few weeks.
This is part of the cycle. Re evaluate daily and get back up on the horse. It will minimize your time off of the wagon.
The separation moving to divorce with the reality that I could be moving out within a month has been the cold water reality that has hit me in the face recently...I was doing really well but lately...i think things are hitting home now.
Also part of the normal cycle, but trust me, don't over think it. You will create future scenes that most likely will never happen.
Part of me can't wait to have some peace and be on my own again.
Embrace that part of you. You will find peace and you will move forward on your own again.
The other part of me which is filled with sadness is all the unknown of leaving the house we had dreamed about just 2 years ago, the place my daughter loves and the neighborhood and the CONSTANT worry of "will my D6' hate me for this and blame me for the D? (even though STBX filed and drove it)
Is she going to hate my new home and be resentful towards me ? Is she going to say I want to be at mommy's! I miss my neighbordhood...take me home!
Do any of you with kids worry about this as a result of the pending divorce?
If you focus on your d6 and being a stable attentive father, I can assure you that your d6 will not hate your home or be resentful towards you. My d5 loves my crappy apartment and loves to come see me. She enjoys seeing her mom as well. She prays every time she is with me that her mommy comes back to live with me. She knows who the stable parent is. Be that stable father. Focus on quality time with her as quantity will be divided, this is what your d6 will know. Be very attentive when you are with her.
I find myself getting into the resentment cycle when thinking about this and how I can't control what's next with my move and daughter. And just praying she is OK
Resentment is part of the cycle. Focus on what you can control. You. Prayers are good. Good for your state of mind, your heart and your soul. Be sure to listen for answers as well.
I was super resentful and angry with my STBX for most of the past 2-3 months. Times of crying wanting my old life back but recently have just been sad when thinking about her and me. And what could have been if we both took ownership of the issues and didn't quit.
It takes 2 to make a marriage work. Keep working on your part, and do so to the point that only a fool, would leave you. If the fool leaves, then you will be prepared to attract a person that deserves who you have become.
Sometimes I think maybe she will want to come back to me in time and then reality sinks in. Shake off those thoughts and work on a path to getting happy....as I need it.
Have a good evening all.
Stay on the path to getting happy...that will create the best opportunity for her to come back, but if she remains a fool......see my response above.
Hang in there, stay focused on the work needed for yourself, be the best father ever, and I can tell you, there are many successful folks on these boards that survived the D and are in a better place. Keep that picture in mind and the right things will work out.
I pray for you and your family this night. Be well my friend.
Rich,
SadHub is right. Don't overthink things. Ride the waves as they come. Your D will be fine, it's really up to you how your D perceives things. My S11 adjusted quickly and he is fine, although he is still sad that mommy isn't there to do things with us as she has been for almost every activity for the past 11 years. But he understands that it's instigated by WW and not me.
I'm fighting the sadness and resentment just like you, they cycle through constantly. The relief comes when I focus on other things like work or my son's games, they bring me great joy to see my S11 happy running around on the field. I mark my calendar with his schedule to focus happy thoughts around him. Find something like that for yourself to get through the tough period.
thanks CWOL/Sadhub.....
Have only been posting in supporting others but hit a bad cycle this week with knowing now what I suspected months ago in that she has someone else she has been seeing and she is in total denial. But it doesn't matter now and she hinted at things didn't get started until after she filed so she is "clean"
Ugh. And hit a lonely patch....it will be a year of this up and down come end of summer.
Rich,
But he understands that it's instigated by WW and not me.
I'm fighting the sadness and resentment just like you, they cycle through constantly.
CWOL- question? Did you have the discussion with your S11 that his mom instegated this? How did that go?
We are trying to be civil about this part of things as my D is young (turning 7) and leaving it as a "we" decided versus the latter. Not sure if that is something I tell her in the future but it will be spun anyway that I was the reason for the split no matter what.... Kills me
Rich,
Check out MWD video on telling the kids. She says that you should come clean on who is leaving. Kids will find out eventually and IMHO the truth is best. Now you still want to be respectful when doing it and not make it a blame game, but saying we decided is not accurate.
thx..I will check it out
I hope to get back into my zone that I have been able to stay in for the most part over the last 2 months or so in not getting into the tailspin of sorrow.
I recall many on the board giving me advice of the "other man" that could be in the scene which I couldn't nail down but suspected. I guess sometimes you want to think the best of your partner but it has become painfully clear what she has been up to.
And I found more "stuff" today that she has been having relations with this guy which hurt like you wouldn't believe becuz it became too real for me. Had a good cry and was hard to look at her in the eye as we pass each other in the house....
To top it off my daughter had a total attitude with me as if I didn't exist. Hard day and knowing that she will be "secretly" seeing him this weekend eats me up
Getting closer to being done so just have to keep the focus on how best to tell her and get my life in order
I hope everyone is having a better day than me today!
CWOL- question? Did you have the discussion with your S11 that his mom instegated this? How did that go?
Yes, I followed the advice of another forum which advocated exposure. So I exposed to S11 at the same time I did to several of our close friends and family.
S11 was sad at first but it had already been three weeks since D-Day, when I confronted my WW about her EA. So he instinctively felt something was wrong. However, he is pretty mature for 11 and he felt sad and teared up a little. But he said he was glad that I told him the truth. It was a very traumatic time for all, but I'm glad I told him the truth. My WW was intent on burying things as just chalk it up to the 50% of marriages that "grown apart." I did not want to lie to my son as she swept it under the rug.
thanks to both of you
I did listen to MWD video and I have issue with it just because of my daughters age and the mindset of my STBX. She is in denial, defensive and blames all the worlds issues on me so I can never see her going for an approach that puts her in the crosshairs. She would be defensive and say "your dad is at fault..... "...maybe not to her in front of me but definitely ongoing.
I do see my therapist tomorrow as I have struggled with the recent exposure of the full on cheating I ignored and how to work with my daughter thru these tough times. I don't want to lie but also know my STBX would never agree to this approach. I would need to do it solo and let the chips fall where they may....perhaps once I move out to bring the truth to the forefront.
My WW tried to shore herself up after she learned I told S11. She brought the three of us together, and wanted to explain that we decided to split up, but I interrupted her and told S11 remember, it is WW's decision alone, I was more than willing to work things out with WW as long as she cut OM out of our lives. She got livid of course. I was not going to have any of the "we decided together..." BS. I wanted my S11 to know what is right and what is wrong, and he got the message very clearly.
In the end, no amount of explaining by WW can overcome the true facts, and I feel that was very important in my situation.
Your situation is probably very different due to your D's age, but I wouldn't dance around the facts too much. Children have a way of figuring things out, and you don't want them to get a warped distortion of reality.
thx cwol...yes...a bit different but I do want to explain it to her...just not sure how/when.
My STBX would respond "daddy didn't treat me well and was mean to me. Remember the time he made me cry?" My daughter remembers a fight we had where she was crying which made me feel horrible for both. It was just another one of our arguements filled with drama coupled with her drinking too much where she started to cry and woke up our daughter years ago but it sticks in her head.
I am worried I will be made to be the boogie man and bad guy if I go the full truth route. Thinking I keep that wrapped up until i move out and when/if she asks will you and mommy get back together I could say " It wasn't my decision to split up ...that was mommy's...so I would say no" Or something like that...
I am sure it would get back to her and the world would errupt but will worry about that day when it comes :-)
I couldn't sleep last night which was a new one for me as I have been OK for a few months now but the reality of her cheating and hard core evidence makes me sick to my stomach. Hard to even look at her this am
I did talk with my counselor and she agreed that due to my daughters age, telling her the real truth about who pulled the trigger would not make any sense right now and believed the truth will come out sooner or later and as she gets older she will get it
Also she knows my STBX well and said that it would escalate into a bad situation where she would blame me for everything under the sun and could turn my D against me. I agree...
I also take my hat off to those who have been going through this because of PA's! I had my head in the sand about my situation and although she may have only started a full blown PA after filing, there was soemthing going on for a while which was definitely at least an EA, and it makes me sick now to my stomach! I could not even look her in the eye this am......
Just journaling as I needed to get back to the boards with confirming that all this time I was fooled in my own mind thinking there was no EA or PA.
PA was on after she filed for divorce to help ease her conscious.
Really have struggled lately after being on the upswing the last few weeks preparing for my new life. I am still DB'ing as much as possible regardless of where this goes as the more contact, the worse I feel. I am also trying to disengage from her social media stuff as she continues to post stuff about her travels and fun everywhere.
The hardER part is she looks better than she has in the longest time (probably becuz she is now with a new guy and paying more attention to herself) and seems to be so much happier while I have all this pending huge life changes like getting a new place to live, shattering my daughters life and me constantly worrying about how my D won't be happy with just me....I am pretty insecure that way even though she loves being with me.
I keep hoping for her to hit a pothole and get a wave of sadness and regret this late in the game still but again I know its not happening. It just hurts...and is super lonely while she is not. It's simply not fair but I know the deal....just venting.
Have a great day folks.
rich
I am sorry to hear you are feeling down. We both know this is part of the roller coaster ride and to be expected.
Here is a 2x4 for you though. Stop with the social media viewing with the WW. That's like self medicating for an illness with rat poison. It's not gonna make you feel better.
You need to keep on track with the healing process and you have to discontinue looking towards her until you are healed and whole.
Get focused my friend on you and your d. It will be a challenge, but you must do it. You will gain confidence and your d will provide you with feedback and love that will build that confidence, but you must stay the course.
I know the challenge you are feeling and it is okay and I encourage you to let the pain of the sadness and loneliness to pass through. But please don't add to the pain by looking at the social media and other aspects of what she is doing. There is no benefit for you.
I'll check back and I support you on this challenging journey, so I will look to hear your plan to get out of the funk and go be a confident loving father. Your confidence will build as you do that. I assure you of this my friend.
I agree on the social media and have turned that channel off so I can focus. Knowing she is with the OM right now still makes me sick and that I actually hope she stays with him and doesn't come back :-) It would be a relief but won't happen for a while as its a plane ride away or super long drive
I have a few days away so hopefully I can recharge the batteries and not care about her for at least this upcoming week.
I am a person of trust & honesty and that has been broken even in the divorce and won't be a fun ride sharing time with our daughter knowing what I know.
Not sure how some folks who pull this sleep at night .
Have a great weekend rich4j.
Maximize the time you do have with your daughter. I read in a thread the value that quality can have over quantity. If you do this, your daughter will benefit greatly. And so will you.
Take your mind from wondering how one sleeps for being deceptive, unfaithful, and selfish, and turn it towards how you will step up and be the worlds best father for your daughter. This will help you sleep soundly at night. And this will put your mind at ease and provide peace for your soul.
Have been catching on some people situation and just journaling
This entire process has worn me down. She has so much hate for me that it boggles my mind that she is the one who wanted this divorce so how am I to blame for everything in the world?
I had a good amount of time away which was much needed but still thought about her way too much while on a work/mini vac. Everything I was doing kept reminding me about how we did this and that together on vacation...it was sad. I snapped out of it after a few days but what a waste of time that I can't get back
She continues to not want to finish things off so we can move on...for the divorce. There is always one thing she won't agree on...then another....talk about me being a control freak!
I hope these setbacks of emotion go away soon. I do well for a few weeks...then get bogged down in wanting to have her back...only for her to do something that puts me back into resentment mode saying how did I stay married to her....then back to missing her.
maybe once out of site....out of mind?
Rich4j,
I'm ending my first week, post-divorce. Still in the house - will close on the condo in 2 weeks. My ex-WW's take on the D never waivered in the stretch run, but financials and other things did. I think I came out ok. She refi'd the home today. I am now a squatter. *he he he*
It was written into the D papers I would have to the end of June.
My ex-WW went to Chicago to consumate her relationship this past weekend. It stung, and it hurt.
I really can't look at her either, Rich. It's tough. She is a bitter witch of a woman now. She has changed, and she's left lots of damage in her wake.
You will feel better when everything is done. I promise. I felt like the weights were lifted. However, the roller coaster started back up some, feeling the loss of the marriage. It's normal. I'm usually very tired lately. I'm excited to get my own place, and start back up with the exercise. I've lagged the last couple weeks.
Trumpet
Sorry to hear but glad you could be a squatter for a bit :-) hope it eases the stress on moving which is daunting. Consumate her relationship...ugh...that is painful but you will also get thru it.
Yes...it's hard to even look at "them" when you know what they have been up to....mine is still in total denial. And I know this weekend she will be with him and lying the entire time to me. while in the house she continues to lob grenades at me whenever possible. "you can go food shopping you know and help out!" ...meanwhile..I am at work all day while she doesn't.....hmmm...
I do hope I can get thru this fog and once again feeling down and out. I am tired and hurt after having some great Gal'ing the last 2 weeks. She just seems to not want to let go and continue to inflict pain whenever possible
She has so much hate for me that it boggles my mind that she is the one who wanted this divorce so how am I to blame for everything in the world?
Think of it this way: If you werent to be hated, what would have been the point of all of this?
The only way it makes sense in the WS eyes is if the LBS is deserving of all of the hate. It doesnt really even matter what you do, that anger and hatred will be there....for now.
It's hard to take at times. I think of all the things she has done wrong in our relationship and as many have said here....it is a 2 way street.
With her, it is all my wrong doings that has led her astray and this point.
I am in such a down cycle now as I think she is about to blow up our separation agreeement that will preclude the divorce agreement Why can't she just agree to what we had "agreed upon" already so we can move on?
I only expect things to get better apart but also have that suspucion that her life will turn upside down in a bad way once I am gone
rich,
Just roll with the punches. Don't sweat the small stuff and just address the issues when they arise.
WW/WAW's will always blame us for everything otherwise they would not be WW/WAW's.
You cannot worry about what will or will not happen with your W in the future that is on her.
You and your D7 are the two things to focus on.
I hope there is a little upside to the rest of the evening and night for you.
JimK...thanks for the support and glad you got your place settled. Your sitch makes me look like a walk in the park but many of us have the same aligned emotional rollercoaster that just rocks your entire being
More ups and downs today with the L's. She continues to flip flop and agrees then disagrees frustrating both of our L's.
As we are heading down the highway to D and both of us not being in the same house in the next few weeks or so, she has a heightened level of blame and anger towards me
That is the part that kills me & seems to be a major symptom of the WAW/H. Throw your blame at others and not take ownership
I continue to read the stories here and many are similar in the wrong start leading to the wrong ending. I like reading the ones who got here early enough to try to make a difference.
I often wonder if I did leave and we separated when things went sideways this prior summer if it would be different now? She said a few times I wish you took my advice and left for a while..we may not be in this situation.
But then I snap back to reality and I do think it would be the same outcome but worse for me from a legal perspective. She had no intention of R and went down the other path.....
Tough weekend. For those having to "pack up" how do you keep focused?
Although my "exit" date from the house is still weeks away I started to go through things to start to separate stuff
I hit some of the piles of pictures we had and totally lost it. Pictures of some great vacations, fun times....and just sat there saying what? why? how? Ugh....
I went to a place I haven't in months thinking maybe she would wake up after I am gone and realize what has happened and what she has lost? I have read this on a few threads and do realize that is probably a pipe dream but how and when do you get past this? My nightmare started last August as it will be a year soon when I am most likely sitting in my new residence solo. Life has some weird twists and turns...
Rich
It's hard to stay focused I am with you. Time to pack and unpack though! One thing at a time my friend!
Yeah, I'm there, too. I just keep moving. H is in a small apartment but is also keeping our vacation home (too far to live in). I'm moving into an apartment with our dog. So, we will be also sharing a storage locker for things that will go into a house when I buy one next year and for whenever and whatever he decides to do after D. So much stuff...
Just one box at a time, one task at a time. Those pictures, though. I think they go last.
Definitely should not have gone to the pictures.....that was killer
Found the wedding pics and then some from one of our last great vacations together.
In the interim, I am getting emails from her as she is away about paying for this and that while I pine over old times and the way it was... a bit pitiful. Especially knowing she is with another. I really can only pray that in time I will rise above all of this and find hapiness again. Its going to be such a challenge this transition.
Ciluzen-good luck with your move....I don't look forward to this but its part of the transition I guess.
So the last few weeks have been tough. I thought I was on the path to "OK" or getting better as the prior 3-4 weeks I was not missing our former R (even though living in the same house still!) and things with daughter were good.
But I am stuck in a rut. Does this happen alot to those going through this? I am on month 5 since she filed while we still live together.
I continue to have the silly thoughts that one night we are going to talk and she is going to break down and say this is stupid lets figure this out! Then I say to myself "Myself...could I even reconcile at this point and try to move forward with her?". Part of me says try try try for me and my daughter and the other me says time to move on and see how things heal first. Then I snap out of it and that fantasy is just that...a fantasy.
I think there is a direct correlation with GAL'ing or lack thereof and going back to the comfort zone of my STBX. My GALing hit a slump the last week or 2. I feel so sad sometimes when in this slump and like a big loser. Not sure if any of you do this but I constantly now look around at others to see if they have rings on, do they look happy, how are they still married? It drives me nuts.
I know its impacting my daughter as she has been acting out a bit at school as she got into it with one of her best friends and told me she was very angry the other day at both of us. She would not say why but just pouted.....she doesn't know yet but she knows something is up. Anyone with young kids go through this and did their children get thru it oK?
I started to read Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce.....and some of the things are spot on. They say the Crazy Time can last at least up to 2 years which I don't think I can take if I have another year of this....
Rich
Remember you are the prize so if your R is rekindled it should be because W comes back to you.
My boys have been acting out and it is difficult but once in a groove and things settle down your D will be a little more comfortable.
thx JK- I marvel how you are keeping it together with a pack of 5!!! You da man and hope your next few weeks smooth out with the move.
I struggle with 1!
When i get down like this I usually need to schedule time with our therapist. She helps me walk through the feelings and puts things into perspective for me. Hits me every few weeks...I hope it stops but I guess its healthier to get this stuff out than boil and stew over it.
I have read some of the stories here over the last few months of the WAW finally waking up. I know it has been said that the divorce is just a piece of paper and that is how I am going to have to treat it. For some crazy reason I keep thinking by STBX will have an awakening. I can't go into all the details but she has struggled with some health issues over the past 2 years that have put her into a different state and also a work venture that has her on cloud 9 for the last 6 months. But those things are starting to crumble a bit and I see her getting angrier at me for this divorce which is her doing.
Hope is not a strategy I always say and I need to refocus back on the prize which is my daughter and getting myself mentally healthy again. I am in a high stress job environment and sometimes I think I am going to have to leave my role with all that is going on in my life to handle this situation. It is crazy but trying to keep the strength and my act together to plow through this rough period. Just a bad wave right now....
Hey
For the photos I read on here that you could just send the photos out to get digitally copied then just give W the digital copies.
I have not done that yet but I think its a good idea. We had a room divider with 8x10 all over it in each panel from our wedding. It has been up until the last day at the house. W would walk by it everyday. She never said anything about it. She did not want it.
For the young kids yes they will act out. I had complaints from the school. It changed nothing.
Keep up the good work, keep going to the therapist if you need to.
thx Vise
I am going to the therapist this week...just rang her as I can't take dealing with my STBX ..... Rude, mean and just disrespectful. Sound familiar?
I don't know how this is going to work out with the divorce and co parenting as she is just off. Has no respect that I am working my tail off and now will have to support 2 families/living arrangements and she still has no job. It eats at me every day and its crazy for me to even have stupid thoughts about R ever.....it turns on a dime where I can be thinking this way and then with a few texts just have pure anger and resentment towards her.
Venting.....
Hey,
Keep venting.
Yes sound familiar. W would get that way when ever she was not getting what she wanted.
She is getting what she wants now. She is on her own.
You are going to get conflicting feelings just remember they are feelings and they will pass. Make decisions based on your goals, stick with what your brain is saying. not the heart (feelings).
You can get through this.
thx....the ups and downs of this dance
Weeks are fine...then tough weeks.
She continues to put me in a bad light in front of our daughter which is my biggest challenge.
I am struggling with that I am going to have to support 2 households and work my butt off and also co parent. I am not as good as my wife with planning stuff for our daughter as she will remain in the direct neighborhood, doesnt work for now, and has time to plan stuff for her during the week etc.... I don't.
I have to figure this out as I feel that my daughter is slipping away from me. I have to cool my jets in front ...I keep thinking she sees me as the bad angry guy as my STBX is all smiles around her and then throws daggers at me with her around, and my daughter sees this and unfortunately I think sees me as the bad guy hurting mommy
Anyone have this horrible situation and a way to address it with the kids? I won't have to put up with this after July hopefully at least in the same house but it is killing me. I can't lose my daughters confidence in me...it will crush me
Rich
Just remember at some point in time STBX will have to find a job. I had the same feeling and now don't care when or if that will happen. The D is a process and the time will come where the STBX will have to face reality.
I hear ya JimK....she may not have to work for a while with some of the alimony issues.
But regardless I believe in karma and that boomerang is going to hit her hard
I just want my daughter to not see me as the lone big bad wolf. I see my therapist friday and it will be part of my focus on how to be the best dad but also handle this nasty situation
good luck with your day in court!
Children are very aware of things as it relates to parents.
I believe that as you continue to better yourself and be the best dad possible that your D will know the truth regardless of your STBX.
My d17 saw throughly WAW nasty complaining of me for the past several years before the BD. She has chosen to stay with me because she believes what she see's not what she hears.
The best way to be sure d does not believe what STBX says is for her to see your actions. Kids are very aware. More than we can ever know.
SH
I sure hope so. I have to cool my temper as my STBX gets my goat while I still live here and it impacts how I act towards everyone. Hard to keep the smile up when you are getting daggers thrown at you so looking forward to getting out of here. I probably will flip over to the divorce forum soon but will visit here!
The support has been great and much needed when tough times hit us all.
rich4j,
7 nights in my former house. Squatting while I wait to close on the condo.
I have been told it's a hell week. Sundays have been tough.
I'm in your same sort of situation. Hang in there. I'm spending more time away from the house - away from the ex. I'm not seeing the kids as much, but soon, I'll have them half time, and be with them lots.
Keep posting - I'm reading.
I know the feeling about the daggers coming at you and trying to remain in a good place.
My IC indicated that a lot of my anxiety in the early days was due to absorbing so many daggers and firing myself not to react.
So fast forward to shortly after she moves out. I am being screamed at by her at the school she works at when I pick up d5. I was rattled by the outburst.
Then she does it again a few days later, only this time it sounds like a broken record to me. Then the next day on the phone, the same broken record. I start to smile and told her good night, she can talk to me when she wants to be civil.
It clicked in my head. She was not a rational person. And now that I could see this clear as day, nothing she says or does shakes me. In fact I chuckle at most of it now.
Even better, I think she realized that it no longer phased me, and she has basically gone into hiding and refuses to communicate with me in any form.
My point to the ramble is try and look at the absurdity of her daggers and spew and take it like you would from a stranger. I tend to chuckle at irrational folks, because its silly to me.
Hang in there, do your best to deflect the daggers with kindness and focus on your d. That is really the only way.
You got this my friend.
thanks trumpet, sh , jimk for the support
Yesterday was surreal. I am not sure if the big man upstairs is messing with me or what.
Had a visit to the ER with my daughter from school. Won't go into the details but scary moment for me and my STBX but everything is OK.
We had to be together in that environment for 6+ hours and it was painful but also painful in the "my heart still misses you too much" painful way for me. We actually had a hug and there were some mutual tears but I could still feel the coldness.
I truly thought all the resentment, hate, anger from the past almost year has hardened my heart towards her but this emergency was just hard for me beyond the scare for my daughter.
It was on the coat tails of her the prior evening her driving me mad as she tried to ruin some of my vacation plans by throwing every wrench into my plan and making things difficult.
And as you can imagine, the imagination ran wild last night. "we should be back together as a family" etc..."why did she have to do this..." I then thought what if I was the one who was sick...who would help me as I don't have any immediate family in the area. Yes...my friends would come to my rescue. But I would want her , my STBX, coming to help me!
Ugh...this is too hard. I go to see my IC today thank goodness.
rich4j,
I'm glad that you're daughter is ok.
I really dislike those situations where you're emotions are all of the map. The anger and the longing and the lack of resolution can pummel the strongest person into a pile of rubble.
I'm glad you have IC today. I always look forward to IC; I feel tons better afterward.
I hope you have a wonderful Friday and Weekend!
Thaks doodler.
Yes...IC helps a ton. Puts me into my place and right now these last 2 weeks have gotten to me as I was doing fine for a while
She says I am mourning my loss right now going back n forth from being OK to sadness and why can't this be back to normal
I have really struggled with some of the things that many of the dads on this forum seem to be handling as now a single parent having to co parent
I have major anxiety about me failing in this department and my D not wanting to be with me, asking for mommy, being bored, ...the list goes on. She is an only child and during our marriage earlier on we had a nanny helping out and then my STBX handled alot of the planning as she didn't work and I did.
My IC really helped me with some positive thinking and that I can do it and will do it well. Think it and it will happen. Just got to get through these next month and half to get on my own and see how I can do this.
I also struggle thinking about the "empty house" I will be in when my D isn't there or dogs. But that is where GAL comes in and trying to prepare for that.....
I have been told , and by my IC, this will take time again and again (2 years!)....so I guess many of us just slog through it and hope we come out the other side sooner than later.
Rich
Let it all out! Your IC has given you good advice. Each change will have an emotional impact on you and you will get through it my friend. In my eyes there will always be hope for W and I unless she is crazy enough to marry someone else!
thx JK..hope you had a good weekend with the boys
Had a good session with my IC on friday but she did say I am going to struggle for a while with my STBX as she knows her well. Not only with co parenting but just in general in letting go (detaching) I am trying to focus on being more positive as she said I need to think this way as I am overwhelmed with "how I am going to do with this with my daughter" thoughts constantly. Will she still love me? Will she blame me? etc....I need to get positive and think positively
I am still having a super hard time detaching so looking for any advice or posts to read up on to help!!! I am too much thinking about her and missing her still. It goes in waves and I can't get off this one wave...
GALing all weekend with friends and playing some golf today but underneath this all I am lonely. It will be a year this summer since this fiasco started and even with all the GALing etc....I still am lonely at the core...why is that? I guess its common to miss the one you have loved, the touching, intimacy, day to day interaction and family. I miss it all but have to carry on and figure how to get to "the other side"...
have a good day all
It just really takes time, rich. I'm finding it easier to see "my life" instead of "our life". I still get the waves and miss all of the things you spoke of.
I was moving yesterday and kept finding myself touching my H on the shoulder or arm. At least he doesn't flinch any more. I look at him and we both smile and stare into each others' eyes and make jokes know one else gets and I wonder, "why don't you want me any more?".
But it is getting better. I catch myself realizing that more and more. And my fear of detaching causing me to fall out of love? Well, lets just say...learning has bred understanding and compassion for his pain, that has led me to lose my anger, that has opened the door to being able to do things (GAL), and losing anger and gaining understanding has led me to love him more but with the added benefit of independence from co-dependence.
I love him more.
I love me more.
I love him better.
I can see the beginning of letting him go because I love him.
I see the benefit of being a friend again.
Maybe...just maybe we can rebuild on that firmer ground.
And that all brings a bit more peace.
Ciluzen
thx for the advice. you are in a much better place then me considering our divorce filings are within 1 day of each other!!!!
I am going to work on the LBS and detaching threads once I can find them as I need some work!
Hey, it comes and goes. I can deal with my H much better than before, but I totally lose it when I think of the "friends" who have disappeared. That anger still builds. I made no vows to them, however.
C- that is horrible about the dissapearing friends. but its common in D.
What boils my temputure is also neighbors. My STBX has put on the act of "poor little me" in the divorce and I am going to be on my own having to support poor little self. The woman who I have been sort of friends with at the bus stop and their husbands are now a bit distant.
I am sure she poisoned their minds but she will remain there for a while so its just something i will have to deal with and move on.
I really want to roast her and put a big sign in our front yard of "CHEATER" and "SHE wanteed the Divorce and Cheated" but maybe that day comes over drinks in the near future
I still can not believe she continues to deny everything. Anytime it comes up she deflects and says I am fishing. But I know for a fact and its hurtful still even with starting to detach. I am going to wait until all this is wrapped up legally and then blow her out of the water. I won't have closure if I don't ......and its hard to detach without doing it too.
Has anyone had to tell their daughter about the divorce? I should say young daughter? And more importantly for any dads, has your daughter "favored " mommy in the split?
I decided not to go the route of blame and who did what right now at her young age of 7.....talked to a therapist about it & I don't want to go there right now. Just that we have decided to D.
My issue is I am so concerned about her "siding' with mommy and that I will be the bad guy. I know I need to think positively and have been working on it as well as detaching. I just can't bear to think that since I am the one leaving the residence and where her friends are that this will be a nightmare for me (and her)
I am going to do my best to make the new place "hers and mine" but hoping for some good advice on keeping my daughter "neutral". Lately...she sees me as a bit of the bad guy for whatever vibe she is getting from my stbx and me.
Ugh...
Rich,
My S7 is still siding with stbx. Keep it short and sweet. Not their fault, we both love you and that is it. Mommy and Daddy will work things out.
No need to say more, it just confuses them and you don't want to parental alienate your D7.
thx JK
I don't plan to blame or bash my STBX at all...its a non starter
Just continue to lose sleep at night about her/D7 not wanting to spend time away from the current house that the STBX is staying in (for a while ) and the neighborhood. Plan is not to be too far away if I can get our paperwork signed but i will have to make my own "life" with my D and ensure its fun/entertaining.
I work more than full time if you get my drift and will now be supporting 2 households and have to carve out the needed time to ensure I have created the type of environment my D will love besides me. So hard as this is the part that starts to eat at me.....
Rich,
I get it, it eats at me also. 5 of my own and I feel I am failing them by not having enough time with them. At the end of the night I will take 15 minutes to watch some TV with them and they all want to come and sit next to me. I don't know if STBX does the same. None of my business I guess.
How do you get a STBX to admit her affair when she is in denial?
I really need some closure as things are getting close to "the end" and she has continued to be more worried about her reputation with people and friends than being honest with me. I have had suspiciion about this from the start and I know she will claim she didn't get "engaged" physically until she filed in January.
I plan to move out by end of July so I want closure!!!
I read tons of stories here as where the cheater moves out as this is the right thing to do but I could not prove anything until in the last few months. I wish I stuck to my guns and pushed her out but did what was the right things for my D7. She did not.... this is where the anger/resentment creeps in and is hard to move on which I want to do and need to do.
How do you get a STBX to admit her affair when she is in denial?
rich4j,
I doubt you'll get he to admit to the affair.
My approach, and it's probably not DB, is to go buy about ten big boxes and some packing tape. Go home, with boxes and tape in hand, and tell your wife she has to choose you or the OM. If she chooses you, then she'll have to be completely transparent; no more communications with the OM. If she chooses OM, then she has to move out immediately.
Don't do what I suggested without input from others. DB does not come naturally to me, but I do hate seeing nice guys being treated so poorly.
thx doodler. Too late for that....she chose the path of divorce
I am moving and she is still saying there has never been another man and if so, it was after she filed
Rich,
I agree I don't think you will ever get closure. Closure will come if she files for D and even then she may not admit anything. My STBX still did not admit she went away with OM for a weekend. I don't give a darn anymore if she did or did not even though I have proof she did.
Closure will only come from you healing over time.
rch4j,
My wife won't admit to her EA, she says it's just a friendship. She filed for divorce. I pushed her out the door.
All you have to do is tell her it's not your divorce and you're staying home and she can leave. If you give her the steely-eyed gaze, she'll know you mean business.
doodler/JK
Appreciate your responses.
I wish I had gotten to this site back in october last year and your approaches would definitely have been what I followed and DB'd I think would have been much more effective
Unfortunately I am doing the right thing which seems to be a theme with some of us nice guys and doing what is right most importantly for my daughter and keeping her in the house with my STBX If she had any spine and was a decent person she would have stepped up and admitted everything and left
I am the one leaving but will do it wiht head held high and a big F U as I head out the door
Journaling before hopefully a fun filled July 4th vac with some friends and D7!
It will be a month now when I will be out of the house and on my own with of course shared custody of D7. Its been a whirlwind this past week with anger, spewing and resentment coming from STBX. I just don't get it and look to those like a Sandi2 to explain or others how this happens?
It is a week of crazy ups and downs as our paperwork is done at least temporarily until we can figure out the financial mess. Things in place to protect both of us really and now IT FEELS real!
She has spewed and spewed. The craziest was in an argument about splitting up stuff she says " Well why don't you just go F*** your girlfriend then!" WHATTTT? Unfortunately I haven't been with someone since this mess happened a year ago. SHE is the one who has denied and hidden her long distance affiar! PROJECTION? I was shocked and had to laugh at her.
Then the continuous "we wouldn't be here" if you treated me fairly and nice and its all your fault.
This from a woman who has burned relationships with neighbors, family members, former work places etc....
I am excited about getting out of here but still bitter I let her push me out the door of our residence but really just thought solely about what is best for our D7. Excited about my new place although its only a few blocks from the old but did that again for my D7. Scared about the quiet, loneliness and starting over again on my own.
Have a happy and safe 4th!
Rich,
Enjoy your weekend my friend! Any craziness you have should be the fun you have with friends and D7!
Hope you have a great holiday weekend rich4j.
You seem to be handling the WW anger demonstrations pretty well. I am getting there myself with WAW. I really got over her spew on Wednesday pretty quick. Thursday and Friday went well for me and I have never felt better in the past 6 months.
Hopefully you get some time with d7 during the festivities of this weekend.
Thank you for checking in on me regularly and for your support and words to the wise as we go through our ordeals.
SH
Was a great holiday Weekend with her ..D7. She misses her mom and it kills me still that we see families out during the July 4th festivities and she asks why can't mom be here?
Family...can't replace it and it hurts
BTW I needed to vent....I hate and resentment my STBX right now. Going thru that phase again!
rich4j,
I'm glad you had a great holiday weekend. I've always enjoyed July 4th because there are no real expectations and obligations; it's food and fireworks (and the other F - flatulence).
I understand the family thing. Children are truly the innocent victims in all of this stuff.
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