Day by Day..Hour By Hour 5 - DivorceBusting.com

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Hi Rain, how are you?

I'm okay Rouky, thanks. Busy today running errands. How are you doing?

So has there been any more news about the "someone" that XF supposedly met?

Hi Rain, just been catching up on your previous thread. I know exactly how you feel about XF's phone and the texting. I feel the same when my H uses his phone, always have since his EA/PA. My H also does what your XF does and sometimes tells me who he is texting to "reassure" me. Sadly it doesn't reassure me as he used to tell me he was texting a male colleague when he was actually texting OW right in front of my face! Well done for biting your tongue about it, I know how hard that is!

It shows you ladies how far you have come. You might not trust H with the phone and you certainly didn't take the bait about him telling you who he was texting. You are going great Rain.

Originally Posted By: annab74

So has there been any more news about the "someone" that XF supposedly met?

Hi Anna.....Not from him directly. But I have to get rid of that app even though he asked me to please keep it. I can hear every call and text he gets. Its driving me batty. And if my phone rings or I get a text he has a lot of questions. Just now I asked "who just called?"

His answer was...."no-one important..they can wait, I'm talking to you." So I rolled my eyes lol (have I mentioned how incredibly mature I am?). He said what does it matter? It was someone from work. He should never gamble. Ever. He has tells left and right. Suffice it to say 5 minutes later he wanted to get off.

Don't worry I didn't pull a Rain. I just said okay bye and hung up.

Did you unblock him yet? I blocked and unblocked W at least 6 times this weekend. I doubt she even noticed! I couldn't do it consistently.

Originally Posted By: inpain

Hi Rain, just been catching up on your previous thread. I know exactly how you feel about XF's phone and the texting. I feel the same when my H uses his phone, always have since his EA/PA. My H also does what your XF does and sometimes tells me who he is texting to "reassure" me. Sadly it doesn't reassure me as he used to tell me he was texting a male colleague when he was actually texting OW right in front of my face! Well done for biting your tongue about it, I know how hard that is!

I don't know how to get over it inpain. I really don't. I have fantasies about ice picking his phone. A lot. And I got the same bit as you, when texting ow in front of me. He has never been one to get many texts and even less calls. Except during affair. And then it was always one of the guys from work. Always. At dinner time. At 6am. At 1am. Yep. Always. Ugh.

Now that he has semi-admitted certain things about the cam girls..I can only guess it's them or whoever he "met".

They're horrible liars. But I just want to not let it drive me crazy. He has enough crazy to go around. I just don't know how to get there.

Originally Posted By: Rouky

It shows you ladies how far you have come. You might not trust H with the phone and you certainly didn't take the bait about him telling you who he was texting. You are going great Rain.

Thanks Rouky. Am I still doing great if I want to kill his phone? And since no one lives without a cell phone these days I have really been thinking "can I do this forever?".

Because that's how much it bothers me. And he is dead set against transparency.

Of course they're lying. It almost goes without saying. And texting is probably the way most affairs start these days. I seriously think it's important to put the phone aside during quality time with our SOs. I mean, seriously. It's like having a conversation that is constantly interrupted by other people. It's a horrible way to try and have a conversation with someone.

Originally Posted By: NYGal

Did you unblock him yet? I blocked and unblocked W at least 6 times this weekend. I doubt she even noticed! I couldn't do it consistently.

No way. He is a hypocrite and gets upset if I ask one question but with our carriers we can see while calling anyone else with our carrier if the other person is on the line. He plays 20 questions with that every single call.

If he was giving me transparency it would help me and he would have gotten unblocked. But he isn't. I don't know NYG, in limbo.

I don't know if the phone trigger ever really goes away. It's been four years since I found out about about H's A and it still makes me nauseous when I see him on his phone.

It really is. Back when I trusted him I was understanding. His guys and his boss would text or call, back then he would also (because he had no code) tell me to read them to him and answer back for him if he was busy or playing with the kids.

Like I said. Limbo.

Originally Posted By: annab74

I don't know if the phone trigger ever really goes away. It's been four years since I found out about about H's A and it still makes me nauseous when I see him on his phone.

^^^^^Anna, this sounds positively horrible.

So he left a few things from the last time he spent the night and wanted to come get them. After we hung up he text and said he was almost out the door to be on his way. However that would have him knocking 5 minutes ago. But he is on a video chat. Shocker. So I text him and said perhaps tomorrow would be better. Nope. Text me back that, again, he is on his way.

I have a lot to think about.

Rain, how did it go? I hope you're ok.

Thanks for checking on me. I'm okay. I was put through the classic XF inquisition because he saw a scratch on my shoulder. A good hour. But in his bogus caring way.

Oh ma, how did you get that scratch?

Babe seriously how can you not remember, It's pretty big. (it's not)

Over and over. And since he isn't out and out accusing me of anything it's okay. But I know him. And honestly I don't remember. Probably playing with the kids. But he is a hypocrite and would start a fight if I questioned him.

Anyway, I'm not sure if it was the phone thing from the day before or what but all I kept thinking while he was here was about what Anna said. How it's been 4 years and the phone trigger hasn't gone away. And I kept asking myself if I can do this forever. And I kept answering myself that I can't.

And he barely touched his phone. I don't know. I feel confused. I still have a knot in my stomach. I didn't even want him to hug me good bye and this time he kissed my forehead too. I was glad that he left. And I feel like crap because of it.

Oh almost forgot. His XSIL text me "hey, did you know XF is telling everyone back home that he is coming to visit with you and the kids in a few months?"

I didn't even ask him why he is making plans for us as a family months down the line when that trip was recently put on hold after we got the good news about his mom. Or how, even if I did want to go with him, he is pulling this off since he doesn't even have money for food with his new spending habits.

Wow. He's living in a fantasy world. Two of them, actually. Stay strong, Rain. Or MB and I will have to call you and talk some sense into you!

Originally Posted By: Rain75

However that would have him knocking 5 minutes ago. But he is on a video chat. Shocker. So I text him and said perhaps tomorrow would be better. Nope. Text me back that, again, he is on his way.

I have a lot to think about.

Okay, Rain, two things here. First of all, DELETE THE APP! It's driving you nuts. You don't need that...you already have an XF for that job!!

. Stop taking calls from XF all together if you need to to keep your sanity. He can go back to texting you. He has, because of his constant LYING, earned the right to text only. He can blow up your phone with texts if he wants to, but you won't be able to SEE when each other is on the phone. Second of all, if you're not even sure that you want to be with XF because he will not man up and stop cheating on you, then why do you care if he thinks you're being controlling? Tell him if he wants to come in YOUR apartment, his phone stays outside in his car. End of story. You're not MAKING him leave his phone, he can choose to stay out there with it if he wants to. The point is that his cell phone is not welcome in your house and will no longer be tolerated. End of story. He can argue with you about it from OUTSIDE. Your apartment is yours and you should at least be able to have some peace of mind while you're in it. I'm sorry, but your XF is really ticking me off by hurting you constantly and lying about it as if you've lost your mind or something. You are not an idiot and it bothers me that he treats you that way.

Originally Posted By: Rain75

Anyway, I'm not sure if it was the phone thing from the day before or what but all I kept thinking while he was here was about what Anna said. How it's been 4 years and the phone trigger hasn't gone away. And I kept asking myself if I can do this forever. And I kept answering myself that I can't.

Aww...I didn't mean to put bad thoughts in your head, Rain. Maybe it will be different for you. Especially if you are able to regain some semblance of a trusting relationship in time. I have never been able to do that.

Originally Posted By: NYGal

Wow. He's living in a fantasy world. Two of them, actually. Stay strong, Rain. Or MB and I will have to call you and talk some sense into you!

Are you saying you eachother?! Great I'm out of the loop. LOL

MB, I don't care actually which is why I brought it up the first time. However the advice I got here was to leave it be. Because he was/is against it and if it meant he would see the kids less then was it worth it.

Basically would it bring me closer or further from my goal. And he's ticking me off too MB. Believe me. FYI..I went dim and he panicked. Reminds me of NYGal and W the other night

. I dimmed by falling asleep LOL and he couldn't get in contact with me for an hour and 16 minutes from his first call.

So it works. I'm just exhausted in all ways. Mostly emotionally.

I have to write to Zues and try and get the focus on me. Me, me, me!

Originally Posted By: Rain75

Originally Posted By: NYGal

Wow. He's living in a fantasy world. Two of them, actually. Stay strong, Rain. Or MB and I will have to call you and talk some sense into you!

Are you saying you eachother?! Great I'm out of the loop. LOL

Call eachother is what I meant...ugh.

Originally Posted By: annab74

Aww...I didn't mean to put bad thoughts in your head, Rain. Maybe it will be different for you. Especially if you are able to regain some semblance of a trusting relationship in time. I have never been able to do that.

Anna, please don't feel bad. You were honest and it scared me. I really thought (hoped) that eventually all triggers fall away after time. Not so sure anymore. Yikes!

The other night when we were discussing when and where he would be looking for his new place he for some reason became dejected and said he wants to write a will and put it in a safe deposit box in my name to make sure that I am in charge of his funeral.

We went back and forth a bit because I don't like that kind of talk. However I didn't give it too much time. Just reminded him that he has children and that whatever happens it better be by God's hand and not his own, but that yes, I would do as he asked.

Then he went silent for a minute and said "who knows what the future holds for us." Whatever that means. Six months ago I would have been excited about that.

Rambling now, apologies.

Hi Rain! Glad to see you're on here. Been wanting to talk to you. But, before you respond, stop and think about it. That always helps.

I should have read this sooner. I had no idea it was this easy!

Originally Posted By: Rain75

I dimmed by falling asleep LOL and he couldn't get in contact with me for an hour and 16 minutes from his first call.
.
I have to write to Zues and try and get the focus on me. Me, me, me!

OMG! That's all it takes to go dim? An hour and 16 minutes? Holy crap, what have I been doing? I've gone beyond dim, dark, blackout, and total extinction by being in almost constant NC for over 4 months. LOL!!!

And, hey, if you're writing to Zeus, tell him that I wrote an entire book for him on my thread. Was hoping for some words of wisdom.

And, btw Rain, I haven't chatted with Zeus, but I have been chatting with NYGal. We were hoping you'd join us.

Rain you seem on the right track with him. Just keep doing what you are doing with no expectation. I can see why it's a slow process and I feel like you are heading in the right direction.

Keep your chin up and carry on working on you :-)

MB..did you get FB? Am I the only human left without it?! If not how are you two chatting? I feel left out and we all know I don't do well with that. Ask XF and ow! LOL

And Zues will get back to you. He always does. He's good about that.

And I said dim because as NYG pointed out about herself and W, I think we may also be co-depenent. Gasp! So an hour to him is an eternity. Or not. Who really knows.

And your so funny

"total extinction" lol

Originally Posted By: Rouky

Rain you seem on the right track with him. Just keep doing what you are doing with no expectation. I can see why it's a slow process and I feel like you are heading in the right direction.

Keep your chin up and carry on working on you :-)

Thanks Rouky...I just told him I am thinking about deleting the app. That talk didn't go well. But I am going to try my best to not let his crazy continue to affect me the way that it does.

No, you're not the only one. I don't have Facebook either. I would tell you if I got one. What fun would that be if I didn't have my GAL friends on there with me?

Originally Posted By: - MB -

No, you're not the only one. I don't have Facebook either. I would tell you if I got one. What fun would that be if I didn't have my GAL friends on there with me?

So by text? I'm confused. Please un-confuse me.

Rain, why wouldn't you want to delete this app? It feels like it's turning the knife in your wound? I had a letter (phone for about a couple of weeks) for him, then decided that if I was to look it'd only hurt me more. So I posted it back. If this app is making your mind runs, delete it.

I hope you are not taking it the wrong way but it feels like that you are torturing yourself when you perfectly know what he is doing. Unless he shows you his phone consider him as using this app.

My buddy Zues, you said you wanted to see more of me focusing on me. First I want to point out that this is my safe place. My ranting and raving place. So yes, much of what I write is about XF and his stupid phone. Also to vent so that I don't attack him (as often).

Now, back to the point of what Rain will be doing for herself.

I started walking a lot and added working out in. However, I may be an anomaly, because as soon as I tell anyone, my motivation starts to wane. Everyone is always so gung ho about having people know and accountability partners. So that you wont slack. Reasonable enough but It doesn't work that way for me. So, to that end it's something I started that was making me feel and look better and something that I can't talk about. Sigh.

I have started watching TV. This may not seem like GAL but it is. For me. I watch my shows a few times a week. Why is this GAL? Because once I became aware of A I lost all interest (as many of us did) in things I onced liked and loved. And when the A moved to EA and he was home all the time again, I still had zero interest. If I watched anything it was whatever he put on. So now, I once again watch things I enjoy. Even got in a couple of movies when the kids went to bed.

I've started to write again. And gotten to research for a possible new book. And I love research. It's fun.

I have started deep cleaning and organizing my casa. I do a little each day.

The kids and I hit the park a lot. Library too. We play. We dance. We cuddle and watch their movies.

I talk to my friends more and NOT about XF. Well except for 2 but I don't do it as much with them.

I am getting through my stack of relationship books.

I have 180ed XF more than a few times now.

So thats a start. It works for me. For now. I need to find a way to not let what he does get to me. Then everything else will be even better! I sincerely believe this.

I also believe I will be able to make money once XF gets my car properly fixed especially if he is in his own place. Then I can work when they're with him. That would be great

And finally, a business idea that I am trying to figure out. Also another source of excitement for me. And trust me friend, I haven't been able to get excited about much for quite a while, so I feel blessed.

Rain, you've got this. Think back. I gave MB some really good advice over the weekend. It was bold, but it worked. ttyl.

So what's your plan for today Rain? Anything fun and exciting?
I worked last night and keep saying I'm going to sleep, but then just have to read a little more, and a little more. I'm afraid I'm about to fall asleep over here. Really need to go to bed. I will catch you when I get up later. NYGal suggested coming up with a new GAL activity for us. Maybe you can put some thought into that and come up with something spectacular while I'm sleeping. I will check in later.

Originally Posted By: Rain75

Anyway, I'm not sure if it was the phone thing from the day before or what but all I kept thinking while he was here was about what Anna said. How it's been 4 years and the phone trigger hasn't gone away. And I kept asking myself if I can do this forever. And I kept answering myself that I can't.

I have the same trouble as Anna, only for me it has been 9 years

I don't think it ever goes away unless they are prepared to be fully transparent - which my H was not. I could check his phone whenever I liked but it had a password on so it doesn't take a genius to work out that he'll let me check it after deleting any incriminating evidence - we all now how easy it is to delete a text.

Originally Posted By: Rouky

Rain, why wouldn't you want to delete this app? It feels like it's turning the knife in your wound? I had a letter (phone for about a couple of weeks) for him, then decided that if I was to look it'd only hurt me more. So I posted it back. If this app is making your mind runs, delete it.

I hope you are not taking it the wrong way but it feels like that you are torturing yourself when you perfectly know what he is doing. Unless he shows you his phone consider him as using this app.

Not at all Rouky. 2X4s are welcome here in Rain-ville. Or Rains World. Not sure what I'm calling my corner of crazy yet.

and yes I do need to. I just have to build up to it. I will though.

And that took a lot of guts for you to do that Rouky. Most of us here would have read Hs letter.

Originally Posted By: inpain

I have the same trouble as Anna, only for me it has been 9 years

I don't think it ever goes away unless they are prepared to be fully transparent - which my H was not. I could check his phone whenever I liked but it had a password on so it doesn't take a genius to work out that he'll let me check it after deleting any incriminating evidence - we all now how easy it is to delete a text.

Precisely! You've hit the nail on the head. If there really is nothing going on then there would be no need for passwords etc. And yes, blasted technology! So, 9 years huh?

If there was transparency maybe the trigger would fade for us in time. At the rate we are going I will never know.

Originally Posted By: NYGal

Rain, you've got this. Think back. I gave MB some really good advice over the weekend. It was bold, but it worked. ttyl.

That's great. Vague, but great.

And thanks..we've all got this. We just keep forgetting.

Geez MB, thanks a lot. No pressure there huh? You get to sleep and my mission is dreaming up some sort of spectacular GAL activity?

Hmmm...

Me neither! I feel my sitch looks bleaker every day. H is very good at DBing - he's a master at going dark and doing 180s and he hasn't even read the book!

I really thought the trigger would fade for me in time but when the person you sit in a room with has to have their phone on their knee the whole time and takes it with them to the bathroom and has to answer every text instantly, it is hard to not think there is something going on. Wish I had something positive to say about it but all I know is life was sweeter before technology invaded my home.

Rain, seriously. I think I started my advice on your page. It's worth another look for your situation specifically. Sometimes vague is all you can be.

Originally Posted By: inpain

Wish I had something positive to say about it but all I know is life was sweeter before technology invaded my home.

I completely agree with you, inpain. On the other hand, if they do have to take it with them to the bathroom, it's a pretty good clue something's going on that they don't want us to know about. Unfortunately, those of us who trust(ed) our spouses let it happen right under our noses. But I do hope we can all get back to a point of trust.

Originally Posted By: NYGal

Rain, seriously. I think I started my advice on your page. It's worth another look for your situation specifically. Sometimes vague is all you can be.

On this thread?

Originally Posted By: inpain

Me neither! I feel my sitch looks bleaker every day. H is very good at DBing - he's a master at going dark and doing 180s and he hasn't even read the book!

I really thought the trigger would fade for me in time but when the person you sit in a room with has to have their phone on their knee the whole time and takes it with them to the bathroom and has to answer every text instantly, it is hard to not think there is something going on. Wish I had something positive to say about it but all I know is life was sweeter before technology invaded my home.

I remember when the phone was permanently attached to XF. Now it's a lot less. A lot. But nowhere what it was before. The man barely ever had his phone once he was home.

I hope NYGal is right and that we can all, one day, have trust again. That would be lovely.

4 Rain, lay it on me. MB finds it interesting and so she did. She always has good advice. Do I need to drive down there again? LOL.

It would indeed be lovely if we could all get back to a place of trust Rain! My WAH now says that he is reading the news on his phone when he sees me look pained at him being on it. These days it pains me more that he comes round to spend time with our children yet all he does the whole time he's here is sit looking at his phone. Wow. Quality time with the children who miss you so much.

Welcome to my world IP, when I drop kids all they do is watch TV with their dad or when they spend the day with him, he always takes them to someone with kids!

Now what about GAL together: we could either each of us see a movie and report back here or we cook something and share it. How about that?

Can we all meet in Paris? S'il vous plait, Rouky?

Let's NOT see the movie Carol. These two women fall in love, go on a road trip, (Cate Blanchett is the married one), and consummate their A on New Years Eve in a hotel somewhere out west. Sounds too much like W and ow. Everyone in the theater was loving the sex scene, I'm sure. I was crying so hard the whole row was shaking with my sobs. Embarrassing!

Originally Posted By: NYGal

Can we all meet in Paris? S'il vous plait, Rouky?

Let's NOT see the movie Carol. These two women fall in love, go on a road trip, (Cate Blanchett is the married one), and consummate their A on New Years Eve in a hotel somewhere out west. Sounds too much like W and ow. Everyone in the theater was loving the sex scene, I'm sure. I was crying so hard the whole row was shaking with my sobs. Embarrassing!

Okay agreed we will NOT see that one! Aww NYGal I'm sad for the you that sat through the movie

Rouky...that sounds like a great idea! I love to cook and try new foods. Though it doesn't always turn out great. With the kids it's hard for me to get out but any movie on netflix or Hulu plus or a rental I can do anytime.

And NYGal...I'll stuff the kids in a suitcase if I have to for Paris! LOL

Originally Posted By: Rouky

Welcome to my world IP, when I drop kids all they do is watch TV with their dad or when they spend the day with him, he always takes them to someone with kids!

Inpain and Rouky...I'm sorry. That sux. Mine interacts (more than he did when we were together) with the kids when he comes by but he doesn't come too often.

At some point, hopefully all three will see that their kids are more important than everything and everyone else.

Originally Posted By: inpain

Me neither! I feel my sitch looks bleaker every day. H is very good at DBing - he's a master at going dark and doing 180s and he hasn't even read the book!
.

I know! How do they do this? I have to really work at it, and H can flip the switch at the drop of a hat and it seems perfectly natural to him.

Originally Posted By: - MB -

Originally Posted By: inpain

Me neither! I feel my sitch looks bleaker every day. H is very good at DBing - he's a master at going dark and doing 180s and he hasn't even read the book!
.

I know! How do they do this? I have to really work at it, and H can flip the switch at the drop of a hat and it seems perfectly natural to him.

Maybe it's a man thing?!

Hi Rain. How's it going?

I'm okay. Watching a funny show

How are you?

I've decided to remove myself when XFs stupid phone annoys me. I decided this when we were on and he got a few calls and several texts because I almost lost it. I said good bye and hung up.

And I really don't care right now that he mostly ignores them. He text me asking what was wrong. DB or not. I told him. Didn't yell or scream or even ask him to fix it "or else". I just stated it, wished him a goodnight and whipped up a yummy ceasar salad and put a show on. He will do as he pleases, but Rouky and MB and NYGal, you are all correct. I am at this point driving myself crazy since I know what he is doing and he clearly has no intention to stop.

Rain, are you on here?

Yes. Getting sleepy though.

I was wondering if you would download an app on your phone for me.

??

?? Represents me asking for the deets.

What kind of app is it...text app?

It's called BBM and it's by blackberry. Download it and set it up. Then click on the lines that are in the top left corner, then click where your name is, then, toward the bottom of the screen, there is a BBM PIN #. Send me that #.

I'll check it out in the AM. I am beat. And hey MB, very ingenious darlin'.

Ok. Goodnight!

Good night

MB how do you come up with these things? I feel technologically challenged.

Have we found each other? And I didn't have to pull out that rental again?

Originally Posted By: NYGal

Have we found each other? And I didn't have to pull out that rental again?

Absolutely!

Rain...I think removing yourself when XF does his phone stuff is a great idea. Telling him why was also good. You are setting boundaries and now he knows what to expect when he crosses them. Phone = No Rain. Very simple and easy for him to understand that his actions will have consequences.

Of course...breaking his phone altogether has a certain appeal too.

I say break it.

Originally Posted By: annab74

Rain...I think removing yourself when XF does his phone stuff is a great idea. Telling him why was also good. You are setting boundaries and now he knows what to expect when he crosses them. Phone = No Rain. Very simple and easy for him to understand that his actions will have consequences.

Of course...breaking his phone altogether has a certain appeal too.

Am I to understand that both you and NYGal are on board with me putting a hit out on his phone!? Because I can absolutely get behind THAT!:)

By the way ladies since that talk he has limited his video calls and now wants me to call him on regular voice calls. I know his game though. So I ignored most of his "call me" texts. The only time we've spoken is about apartments for him and he keeps asking me if I'm okay.

I'm on board. Do it. Buh bye phone!

Tell him you're not okay, and restate your conditions.

Originally Posted By: Rain75

Am I to understand that both you and NYGal are on board with me putting a hit out on his phone!? Because I can absolutely get behind THAT!:)

Works for me... go for it!

Originally Posted By: annab74

Originally Posted By: Rain75

Am I to understand that both you and NYGal are on board with me putting a hit out on his phone!? Because I can absolutely get behind THAT!:)

Works for me... go for it!

Lightbulb moment. I'm going to be rich! I'll just start a business swiping spouses cell phones and have a crew of hackers. Rich I tell ya!

And of course I'll have to "test" it out with XF. It's for research only of course.

Well you DID say you wanted to start an infidelity related business right?

Very true Anna. But this wasn't it. I could start both and be even richer! Then it wouldn't matter to me what or who he spends his money on. Nah..that's not true.

After we talked about apartments for him he went silent. It's like what you wrote on NYGals thread. When you think you're okay and then something happens and you aren't. I have that feeling in my stomach again.

(((((Rain))))). It will be okay. Just breathe..... And, don't borrow trouble. If it's out there, it will find you without you looking for it! And, until then, hug those kids and have yourself a great day!!

.....but, if you should happen to find yourself rich, come visit me! I'd love to see you in person.

Originally Posted By: - MB -

(((((Rain))))). It will be okay. Just breathe..... And, don't borrow trouble. If it's out there, it will find you without you looking for it! And, until then, hug those kids and have yourself a great day!!

.....but, if you should happen to find yourself rich, come visit me! I'd love to see you in person.

Deal! I'll pay for all of us here to take a cruise.

And I just tried to uninstall the app. It won't let me, the only option is to update it.

Yay! I just booked that freelance client.

It's only $15 an hour but it's work. I am very happy about this guys. It's all things I've done before too which makes me less nervous. He wants 5 different resumes and a bio for his website as well as setting up an email and blog for him.

I should start in the next couple of days.

Congrats on the freelance work! That is awesome and having a bit of self sufficiency will go a long way into making you feel better about things.

I am sorry you are feeling down again. Why does XF need an apartment? Doesn't he already have a place?

Congratulations, Rain. That's great! And it will be good to keep busy, too.

Originally Posted By: annab74

Congrats on the freelance work! That is awesome and having a bit of self sufficiency will go a long way into making you feel better about things.

I am sorry you are feeling down again. Why does XF need an apartment? Doesn't he already have a place?

The same reason he says he can't take the kids...his place is falling apart. Except I was there the night of the infamous case of the "missing" condoms. And it's not falling apart, he just made a huge gross mess and doesn't want to clean it. That was my job.

And thank you! On the congrats. I am very excited.

Also I took a few steps back. Last night our son fell backwards off a chair and slammed the back of his head on the floor. After I calmed him down I text XF. He read the text almost immediately. He replied this morning almost 12 hours later.

He lied and said he had fallen asleep and just read it and asked me about our son.

That didn't go well. Listen, you want to ignore me for those girls or even not visit the kids, whatever, we will deal. But something like that could have landed him in the ER and you were too busy?! And now you're lying? Just not okay.

So he insisted he wasn't lying and then back to silent. So right now he can kiss my a$$. He is so wrong for that.

Originally Posted By: NYGal

Congratulations, Rain. That's great! And it will be good to keep busy, too.

Thanks. And I hope so. I need more busy work. Anytime not thinking about XF and his escapades is like a mini vacation.

Okay...I'm very upset with the genius right now but I will be fair(ish). His place is not ideal. It does need work. And the owners are notorious for not getting things taken care of unless you ride their back. That was also my job. So a few things have gone badly that should be looked at. However...nothing so bad that he couldn't take the kids over to his for a few hours. But that would entail cleaning up the place. And in his current crazy and depression, that's not likely.

I don't blame you for being angry with him not contacting you sooner to check on your son. I would be furious too. No matter what his relationship with you is, he is their father they ALWAYS come first. That is just inexcusable.

How is your little one, btw??

I kept him up late yesterday because I get nervous, today he is good. Thank you.

I am wondering what is going to happen now. I put the child support papers in weeks ago. And XF just told me that he is most likely leaving his job to do jobs on his own.

That is not good for me since there will be no paper trail as he gives steep discounts if clients pay in cash, so most do. And when I spoke to the state child support agency after I sent the papers in they said that unless he is honest with them there isn't much that they can do.

In that call I asked them if I was entitled to money from his side work and also what would happen if his boss states that he makes less than he does or that he works less hours since they are friends.

But if 100% of his income is paid in cash I am guessing I am not getting much if I get anything at all. Now I'm worried.

Would he really do that to the children?

Originally Posted By: NYGal

Would he really do that to the children?

The old XF would never do that. The worst he would do is say he makes less than he does but offer to give me more money when I needed it.

But the new XF? I never thought he would do any of the things he has done. So I am not hopeful. Not at all.

That would be really disappointing if he did that.

Originally Posted By: Thornton

That would be really disappointing if he did that.

Hi Thornton. I agree, but I have to be prepared for it. Preparing for the worst while hoping for the best.

Originally Posted By: Rain75

But if 100% of his income is paid in cash I am guessing I am not getting much if I get anything at all. Now I'm worried.

Rain, when I got divorced 14 yrs ago, my XH was self employed and received cash pmt for what he sold. He lied to the courts ant told them that he hadn't been working and I couldn't PROVE anything different. He was still ordered to pay child support and half of their medical insurance. It was laughable! For his 4 children his child support AND insurance payments TOTALED $268/month. That's it! I think I got 3 or 4 payments before he stopped paying g all together. I took him to court twice, but it always cost me more than I would have gotten from him so I just let it go and he never paid anything.

Originally Posted By: - MB -

Originally Posted By: Rain75

But if 100% of his income is paid in cash I am guessing I am not getting much if I get anything at all. Now I'm worried.

Rain, when I got divorced 14 yrs ago, my XH was self employed and received cash pmt for what he sold. He lied to the courts ant told them that he hadn't been working and I couldn't PROVE anything different. He was still ordered to pay child support and half of their medical insurance. It was laughable! For his 4 children his child support AND insurance payments TOTALED $268/month. That's it! I think I got 3 or 4 payments before he stopped paying g all together. I took him to court twice, but it always cost me more than I would have gotten from him so I just let it go and he never paid anything.

Wow MB that is horrible. I don't know how you did it. In my home state if a father works off the books or doesn't work at all his child support payment is $25...a month!

Hi Rain, glad your S is better. These WASs really do think of nobody but themselves. Fancy not ringing to check how he was! My H was the same a few weeks ago when D was ill! I wonder why XF has decided to switch his job like that, it does make you wonder if it is a deliberate act to avoid paying child support. I truly hope not, that would just be stooping so low.

Missing you, Miss Rain! Hope everything is OK!!

Rain, what's happening today?

Originally Posted By: NYGal

Rain, what's happening today?

The usual. Slowly losing my mind. XF is playing games, games that if he choses to keep playing on the worst weekend to play them, will have a not so nice outcome.

Originally Posted By: Rain75

In my home state if a father works off the books or doesn't work at all his child support payment is $25...a month!

Is that total, or per child? It's probably not that different from what I was awarded. The $268 was for 4 kids and included 1/2 of the cost of my medical insurance premium through my work. So that would be $100/child support and $168/insurance. It's INSANE! How do they even think that's going to help much? And, in my case, he wouldn't even pay that. I never let the kids know though. I never talked about it. I figured they didn't need to know that or be worried about it. Nobody ever said life was fair I guess.

Please start a new thread.

Hi Rain how are you?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2655295&#Post2655295

New thread