Hi everyone,
I'm new here but have been lurking off and on for months now and am just feeling spent, drained, hopeful then hopeless. Patient than impatient. Like giving up but then not (especially when people tell me to just move on and get over it). Consistent then inconsistent. Long story short:
H and I have been together for 8 years, married 4. He left me in August after saying he hasn't been happy for over a year. A week after he left me, he came back and said he had an affair with a coworker and that it had been over for a few months. But I never believed that, and I still don't now. He was adamant about not coming back home but hadn't yet brought up D to me or his family. Months went by and it was agonizing as he would come visit and we were slowly spending more time together. During this time, H said he was still open to talking about things, going to counseling and that he hasn't yet given up, but he was also not fully committed to reconciling so he remained distant even while we would spend time together. He finally agreed to come to a counseling session with me and said it was helpful, seemed overall positive about it and even suggested that we keep going after the holiday. Well, we went away to his family's home for Thanksgiving and he said he would be coming home before the end of the year.
Fast forward a 1.5weeks later, he came over one night and said he would not be coming home, he was just pretending, his heart isn't in it and that we would eventually be getting a D. Our anniversary happened to be a few days after that I did not receive a call/text AT ALL on that day from him. Christmas came and went with just a text asking how I was doing and on New Years', radio silence. I haven't seen him since then, and we have barely spoken if nothing but about finances and him telling me what I should be doing to find another place to live. When we do interact, I do my very best to keep things light, humorous, and surface. However, if I manage to get him on the phone, something comes over me and I feel annoyed and anxious b/c he refuses to talk to me about anything and dismisses me. I've been prayerful, faithful, and basically GAL/LRTing all this time and it seems like he is just steadfast in his resolve. And then I get so upset with myself b/c I slip up and have to start all over again. I have a DB coach who doesn't necessarily think that going dark for too long periods of time b/c he seems to come around after awhile of my darkness. Communication has been increasing extremely slowly by me following DB coaches insight and suggestions however, I had a slip-up last night and basically said things that negate all the work I'v done. I'm just so pissed with myself, feeling hopeless and discouraged again and don't know what to do.
Has anyone had or is in a similar situation with tips on how to remain consistent when it's hard, getting back on track and staying cool in the face of rejection?
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I cycle back and forth between all of these things and when I'm feeling strong enough to withstand the rejection, unanswered texts/phone calls, silence, no forward progress, I mess it all up and and feel discouraged and not important to him. I have good willpower but I also feel like maybe too much time has passed at this point...
Does anyone have advice on this? I'm feeling discouraged and confused.
Hi HopeRB,
I can definitely relate to the cycling of emotions as well as screwing up and having to restart. Really think everyone here does it more or less.
Don't think I've been in my sitch to tell you how long the cycling will last and when the cycle will shift to more positive than negative but I can say that you have fewer and fewer restarts with practice and patience.
Sorry that you're here but the people are helpful. I wish you success on your journey. Vaya con dios
Thanks G8r. I think I do well 90% of the time but for some reason, something overcomes me and all the research, advice, books, better judgment goes out of the window and I feel anxious and sad all at once.
How do you catch yourself and recalibrate? And how does W respond to the inconsistency? Do you find it takes longer to get back to where you were before you had a slip-up? And is it just as hard as starting from scratch?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks Cadet. I have the book and keep referring to it. Just in desperate need of real-life advice from people who have gone through this (which is obviously most of us!).
Need to know what worked/didn't work for you in terms of staying the course and getting back on the course if you got off track. How long did it take? How did they react?
I believe that following the 37 rules works.
Following DB works.
Doing more of what you have already been doing does not work.
It is counter intuitive and hence where MWD comes up with the 180.
You have years of doing it wrong that always worked before.
Now it does not work.
So the first goal is to work on yourself.
What are some other goals that you have?
I've been working on myself, getting stronger and more confident. Falling and getting back up. Some goals I have are to be more independent, confident, exercise, take up more activities, be a better version of myself. But in the midst of all of that, I want to have more contact with H toward restoration.
I want to have more contact with H toward restoration.
That is not really in your control right now.
I would let him control the contact.
Mirror his contact and respond, however have boundaries in place too.
So asking him how our convo made him feel, validating him and expressing that I only want peaceful and positive conversation with him is a no-no right now? The man ignores me until he wants to respond.
So asking him how our convo made him feel, validating him and expressing that I only want peaceful and positive conversation with him is a no-no right now? The man ignores me until he wants to respond.
Understand that men are not into feelings like women.
So I would suggest not having that conversation.
If he starts the conversation then validation would be appropriate.
And it would be better to just show him the action of peace rather than speak it in words.
So asking him how our convo made him feel, validating him and expressing that I only want peaceful and positive conversation with him is a no-no right now? The man ignores me until he wants to respond.
Bingo! You are exactly right! No relationship talk is best right now. Do not bring it up! If he brings it up, think about what your DB Coach has been telling you.
Pursuing and pleading are definitely not working so doing a 180 would certainly be better.
Focus on YOU! Become the best HopeRB and Mom that only a fool would leave. Make changes in yourself for you and your kids.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 when you would like to schedule another session with your DB Coach.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Thank you. Unfortunately, we don't have any kids which gives him all the more ammunition to do what he wants to do. He's supposed to come over and help me with the something in our apartment - this will be the first time I'm seeing him in 2 months! I don't know how I should react to him - should I be light-hearted and fun, pretending that I don't have hole in my heart? Should I mirror his actions? I will definitely not bring up the marriage unless he does but at the same time, there are actions that need to be taken that are because of all this so it's kind of hard not to bring up our relationship.
I'm thinking I will just behave as if he is an old friend. This is advice my DB coach gave me and I thought it was interesting b/c I had never looked at that way before. How would you treat an old friend? Not get too deep or personal, put your best foot forward, etc. Very hard when technically he is in fact, on "old friend", he is still my DH and I miss him.
H said he has to work and can't come by. It's hard to deal with this rejection and keep pressing forward but I do. I simply validated him and asked him about his work. So much time has passed by but, I know God is working behind the scenes and he is for me and not against me. This is the hope I hold on to tightly and I feel strong in that. Does anyone have insight into this kind of situation?
Hang in there Hope. I know you are hurting.
Thanks for your support, Thornton.
It is hard not to interact with the spouse you hope to reconcile with. But, it sounds like the conversation was good - no pressure or talk about your M. I hope you get some positive signs soon. Like you, I hope God is in my corner helping me fight for my marriage because it certainly feels like an uphill battle. Hope you can press forward and not be too down tonight!
Yes, it is hard to not communicate with your spouse. The silence in the house is deafening.
Let's just make it through tonight and then regroup and tackle tomorrow. Baby steps...
Sorry for the pain you are experiencing. What are the ages of you and your H? Do you have children?
Have there ever been any affairs (any type) from either side? Is this the first M for both of you?
Do both of you work from home?
Do you suspect another woman in the picture?
Sorry for so many questions. The answers will help us have a clearer idea of your situation.
It sounds as if your H may be going through some type of life crises. Has anything major happened the last couple of years, like losing a parent or extremely close friend? Did he suffer financial ruin or some other experience that could have thrown him into a state of depression?
I can hear the urgency in your post, and I hear the pain of rejection. What I am going to advise is for you to keep the home front going. Don't neglect the chores and things that need doing. Try to keep it looking warm and inviting.
Hope, please take exceptional care of your health during this time. This will probably not be over in a few short months. I hope it will, but from the accounts I have read on this board for 8 yrs, I've discovered it usually last longer. Btw, I have been here 8 years b/c this board helped save me when I was in such a mess. I am here now, hoping to pay forward any help that I can.
Okay, so stay on a good diet, get plenty of sleep (even if you have to go to the doctor for a prescription), and exercise every single day. Those the physical needs. Next, take care of your emotional/mental part. Do you have a close friend or family who will support you so that you won't feel completely alone? I am not talking about you getting advice from them. In fact, it would be difficult for them to be unbiased, so save that for the board. I just meant you need to be around those people who love you and will help to fill the gap of rejection. Also, get inspiration from listening to great music that gets your blood pumping. Don't listen to sad country western songs or love songs. Don't watch sad movies. This is not the time to subject yourself to extra pain, and that sort of thing seems to affect us. Make this a personal mission of focusing on you to come through this in top condition.
Get involved in something new. Try a new hobby. Go somewhere you have never been. Experience new things. Meet new people. Reach out and volunteer to help an elderly person or someone disabled who lives near you.
This is probably nothing like you wanted to hear, is it? You wanted advice in how to get your H back home. Well, I'm working on it.
. However, there are no guarantees that he will do anything. The WAH or MLC H's are far and few here on the board, however, the ones I have read about say that when they saw their W do the things I am telling you, it somehow did a work on him. The W was involved in life, and she was looking great, and the biggest thing of all.......she seemed happy, in spite of what he was doing. She drew him back by letting him go. She did not cry, beg, guilt him, be clingy, threaten, complain, act helpless, or any of those type things we women are so infamous in doing. When you stop and think about it, why would any man want to go home and be with a woman like her?
Hope, you are going to need to make yourself happy, and don't look to him to do it.
I have to get ready for work. I will come back when you've had time to answer my questions.
Hope, below is a link to another woman who had a husband who seemed very dissatisfied with his life. Things got a lot worse before they got better. This is a success story, so maybe reading it will give you courage, hope, and information to apply to your own situation.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...330#Post2447330Just click on the link and follow her posts.
sandi2,
Thanks for your support sandi2. So H and I are both 31 but I have a birthday coming up in April. No children, H had an affair, 1st M for both of us, neither of us work from home, and I am not sure if the OW is still in the pic.
I certainly think H is going through some sort of early midlife crisis, questioning what the next part of his life and career look like. Its unfortunate that he feels I'm the unhealthy piece of the puzzle and his overall world domination.
I've been going to the gym, pampering myself when I can, keeping the apt clean and warm. I've been going to therapy once a week which helps most times. I have only a few female friends who are truly unbiased and allow me to vent and support me in wanting to fight for my marriage. It funny bc early on in the process, I would go to friends and family for help and spirtual guidance but I always left feeling even more miserable and like there was something wrong with me for wanting my husband back after what he's done to me. But they dont know the inner workings of my marriage and they dont know what its like to be in my shoes. I know they want to see me be ok but I always felt bad for feeling the way I do. I guess H could say the same thing from his point of view on things as his family urged him to come back home. So needless to say, I felt rejected on the friend/family thing also. Especially since all of our friends are mutual and they dont know what to say and don't want to get involved.
It's hard to wrap myself in new things given my financial concerns at this time. Everything just ties back to this situation. In the meantime, I'm LRT/180ing as best as I can with very few slip ups these days. Im getting stronger, more confident. I've let him and the outcome go. I do have a DB coach who gives me action steps to at least keep the contact between us going b/c for awhile, there was radio silence. And I try to always keep the "why would any man want to go home and be with a woman like that" thought in my head.
I'm going through the thread you provided and her story seems so similar to mine....I'm going to keep reading through. I am almost surprised by how much hope and strength I have throughout all of this, regardless of the outcome. Actually, I'm not surprised b/c I know where it comes from. So I think THAT ALONE is what keeps me getting up every morning and going through all of this. The rejection is difficult, almost like someone slapping you in the face very hard and you just turn the other cheek and respond calmly and with a smile. No, I dont think its being a doormat, I think its called being peaceful. Like i said, I have slip ups but for the most part, I try to keep my dignity as much as possible. But I'm not giving up on my vows.
Something I forgot to mention:
H is actually a great man with a good heart. I made alot of mistakes and didn't always treat him the way I should have. His A was simply a symptom of his unhappiness and his internal crisis, and it was not the cause of what is happening. I do a lot of self-reflection and exploration so that is why I am able to love him from a distance in the face of rejection. I am in no way, shape or form perfect and neither is H. But he has always strived to be the best he can be in our marriage, until he couldn't. I'm learning more about how I can be a better wife and a better version of myself, so we are both to blame.
I get discouraged b/c when I think back on the past months, I feel like too much time has passed by and he may be getting used to his new normal b/c thats what I'm being forced to do. He's set up his new place with all him creature comforts and seems to be enjoying all of this freedom. I have read many times on here that it's not over unless YOU decide to give up but what does that really mean? H has a good amount of control, not me. And I'm not saying that from a "victim" perspective, I'm saying that from a "person who wants to R but getting a huge brick wall" perspective.
It's hard not to panic huh?
We conjure up all these thoughts and fears in our minds and they send us reeling.
The truth is, you have ZERO control over your H. There's not a thing you can do to get him to return on your timeframe. There's not a conversation you can have that will make him snap out of it.
He will need to snap out of his fog completely on his own. It will likely be a time when you least expect it (and that's IF it happens).
The absolute fastest way to get him to come home is to make yourself as attractive as possible. You need to ooze happiness. You need to be physically healthy. You need to be ambitious.
Those are the things that he will see from afar and wonder why he's isn't with you.
There's no promises but I have seen DB work. It worked for me 18 months ago.
The hard part is releasing the pain and being ok on your own. That's when things start to fall into place. Unfortunately, releasing the pain takes time and effort, there is no shortcut.
You can do this, Hope. It hurts like hell but you can do it.
I think it is very important that a woman not act as a victim when she has a WAH. It's not very attractive or appealing.
I hope you will continue to have dignity, grace, and poise.
As much as you want to reconcile with your H, I hope you will not tell him, b/c he knows that you do and b/c it puts a tremendous amount of pressure on him. It actually pushes him further away, instead of drawing him closer.
How are you dealing with this OW and the knowledge that he had an A?
Thats why I say I have problems staying the course sometimes. I'll be going along my 180 way and then have a slip up which is the worst. I tell him he left me in a lurch, I tell him I'm having a hard time finding a place to live b/c of financials and if he can help, I told him I still love him, called him "babe". I haven't said "I want you to come back" or anything liek that since he sprung the D word on me. But I have told him that I pray for him and us and that I don't believe D is the solution to our problems, but I respect and understand his resolve. I did pretty well in my interaction with him last night. He cancelled on me after telling me he'd help me out with something at the apt and I said, I understand and then asked him about what he's working on. He told me and where usually I would take the opportunity to engage him in a longer convo, I simply said, "That sounds amazing, hope it goes well. Good night," and left it at that.
I've been reading books on healing and recovering from an A by yourself. It's helpful. I try to get both perspectives to see what is going on in the mind of my H since he wont tell me but all WASs seem to follow the same exact script. The fact that H told me about the A to get me to leave him - I mean what can I really do but heal from it?
I think your best bet is to pull back, Hope.
I think you are interacting with him too much. I think he needs to feel scared that you are letting go. You aren't doing anything that will make him feel that fear.
He can comfortably keep you in limbo until he decides which direction to take his life.
I have pulled back from him for 2 mos. This is me trying to re-engage him at the direction of my DB coach. He's had MONTHS to feel that I've let go.
Gotcha. Then by all means do what your coach says to do. Hang in there.
I feel like he's out of sight, out of mind with me. But I understand. We have bills and things to discuss. That the only time we talk really, is when something is due - that's the only time he may/may not reach out. Otherwise, he says he busy with work.
That's why I think you should pull back. If you are in contact with him, and he doesn't seem to care, how do you get him to notice your absence? Pull back.
You said you pulled back for months and nothing happened. You might need to pull back for several months before he takes notice.
This is all just my opinion. If you have a plan with your DB Coach, I would definately listen to your coach.
I think that like me you are expecting this to resolve itself quickly. Two months isn't a long time for him to miss you. I'm nearly a year down birthday BD & still no effort from STBXH to move forward. I might save my M but I'm feeling happier.
Don't focus on him, put all that energy on you. Everything will work out well in the end.
Thank you Thornton, I appreciate you opinion, trust me. We're all going through the same thing. I just don't know. He is totally not phased by anything I do or do not do. I notice that when i pull back, he comes to "find me" and thats when we start talking again. So this is one of those times. He initiated convo about 2 weeks ago asking how I was and saying he was sorry he didnt return my call (about something important) and how he was not in a good place emotionally and figured that I probably wasn't either. This was the 1st time he's been somewhat emotional with me since he announced the D word. I was surprised, affirmed his emotions, didnt say anything about my emotions, and left it at that. Then i slowly re-engaged with him. DB coach had a suggestion, I did what she suggested and he responded with a "yes." Then I had my slip up but then he said he would still help. Well now, he's seems too busy, he must be nervous so back to the pull back.
This is agonizing but I absolutely love the "be someone only a fool would leave." mantra. That is so empowering. It makes me want to go for a run right now lol. I think I just hate all the time that's passing by and we're not communicating or making progress toward R, or are we? I know he's big on not giving me false hope so this must be his way of steering clear. Went to the therapist this morning too. Sometimes I literally step back from this and laugh b/c its hysterical to me. To seriously think that my hubby would be this person now?! I find myself hysterically laughing and crying at the EXACT same time. It's the scariest, craziest ride I've ever been on. This is all just so unnecessary.
Reading T0324's thread and it sounds so similar to mine, everything. I am just completely baffled by how these people turn into aliens and how similar all of our accounts are but then all have different outcomes and take varying amounts of time. I feel like alot of people I see on here that R aren't separated for that long, although I could be wrong.
Sorry Rouky, just seeing your response. Yes, I think to a certain extent, I am looking for this to resolve itself at a faster pace. And its been 2mos since the D word came into play but overall 6 mos since he's physically left our apartment. I know I'll be better as time goes on...but I still have hope.
Not looking forward to long weekend. Weekends are already hard.
Yes, they are.
Do you have anything planned? I'm going to clean my house, go to a support group meeting, force myself to go to the gym, and maybe go see a movie.
Hi Thornton. Nothing planned. I usually try to go to a movie after work on Fridays to clear my head so I think I'll do that. For V Day, I think I'll stay home and cook myself a nice meal, maybe get a massage. This is my support group so I'll be here online for sure. I'll definitely go the gym, maybe go to my dad's house, look for another job, church. The great thing about being in NYC is that it's not weird to go places by yourself. It's just weird b/c I used to have such a robust social calendar with things we would do with our friends and now nothing. Its as if that stuff never happened and ppl have just forgotten that I am his wife and that we've spent all these years together.
Yeah, I hear you.
My WAW is very social and I'm more introverted. Most of our social outings were with her friends. Now that she's gone, I have a lot of time to myself.
I'm doing my best to learn to enjoy my alone time, but it's not easy. I like companionship, so it can be hard to alone with my thoughts.
I'm an ambivert so I liked the companionship of my H and to be in social situations, especially with him b/c he was always the life of the party, but also enjoy my alone time. And I have ALOT of alone time now. The silence is very loud at times and I think that's when I get the most anxious.
Yep, that's when my anxiety peaks too.
For awhile, I would go to the bar and just sit there. I only have 2 single friends who I feel ok being around right now - it seems like the rest of my friends and our mutual friends are getting married and having babies. My single friends aren't crazy or on the prowl and we do after work drinks and hang out from time to time but, I just don't see myself as single. I still wear my wedding rings. I don't want to date anyone and sometimes I'll hear, "Well you shouldn't date anyone but, there's nothing wrong with having a guy friend." And I'm just like, no. But then I think well H has stated what he plans to do so why shouldn't I? Obviously, I'm not giving up so that's not an option but those thoughts pop into my mind from time to time to discourage me.
Especially when it appears that H could care less about my whereabouts, who I'm with and what I'm doing. I want to feel that love and warmth again from him.
Yep, we all want that, Hope.
It's tough to want that love from the one person who doesn't feel it for us.
I read an article about what happens to the human brain when faced with rejection and it's very similiar to coming off drugs. Dopamine is a feel good chemical in our brains and when we are rejected by a lover, the dopamine levels drop significantly. So we try to look for another hit of dopamine by chasing after our walk-away spouse.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've been told things will get easier with time...
And I have ALOT of alone time now. The silence is very loud at times and I think that's when I get the most anxious.
Okay, what can you do to fill that silence in the house?
I listen to music, sermons, watch tv, read, etc. But its still "silent" when I do those things. You know what I mean?
Hope,
I seem to be blunt in my responses because I'm always on my phone so I apologize if this comes across harsh but you have to back off
My husbands number one thing he noticed was me living my life without him. He specifically recalls certain events, times, interactions that I was distant (with the advice from the wonderful people here because there was no way I would have thought to do it myself). I was so worried I would do something wrong that would make him never come back. There is not one thing that will make or break the outcome of your M.
In the beginning I tried so hard to have reasons to talk to H via text - bills, kids, etc. He didn't want to talk to me and me talking about those things reminded him of the life he was escaping. Why would he want to come back to that ?? Nag nag complain bills etc (in his mind lol)
Anyway the best advice I can give you is what doesn't feel right to you but he will notice. Stop calling. Stop texting. If it's an emergency then contact but a TRUE emergency. Separate yourself from his life. Let him be free and see how 'great' and 'improved' his life is without you.
It took my H a few months to realize I wasn't the problem. But it took me backing away and letting his choices blow up in his face. With me out of the picture when he was still unhappy (surprise surprise) I wasn't there to blame.
I was bad at GAL by myself but my boys and I always were out doing stuff. My friends and family saved me... Stay busy. Find out who you are, become the person he fell in love with. Day to day nonsense takes away the person we once were. I bet you can find that person again.
Good luck!
T0324, I appreciate your input and don't think you're being blunt at all. I've been reading through your story and thinking of how I can apply things to my sitch. Ya, I struggle with getting too distant bc H can literally go months and weeks without talking to me. It's hard not to talk about bills given our financial situation but when we do, I try to remain distant and peaceful. Sometimes he'll tell me something about work which I affirm and end the conversation. But I'm consistent now.
And now you just gave me another perspective on how H might perceive me asking about bills as nagging. Stuff is late, taxes are due, things are getting shut off and I need help but he's just so whatever about it all. He paid our phone bill this morning and I said thank you and he said, "no problem. Trying to help." And then asked me for access to our account. Part of me is like are you kidding me?! But the better judgement, peaceful part of me just says thank you and tries to leave the convo on a good note.
What I don't get is that he has had many months to feel the sting of his actions and doesn't seem phased or empty from any of it. And I've given him a lot of space bc yes, I've let go. I've been working on becoming the woman he fell in love with bc I loved that woman too. And I realize I'm a more mature version of that woman and working to get that in the forefront again.
I feel the same way, HopeRB. I have been GALing for 7 months. Although I was very angry about his affair so just recently (last 3 weeks) have done a 180 letting the rage subside. At first I made up ways to interact with him. Now, Like you, it's been months and we have very little interaction unless it's about our boys. I agree it seems like my H isn't phased or empty from any of it. I just hope for both of us if we show how much we've gone back to the woman they fell in love with on a consistent basis that they will see they made a mistake walking away. Keep posting - I'm pulling for you. Thanks for sharing your story.
I just hope for both of us if we show how much we've gone back to the woman they fell in love with on a consistent basis that they will see they made a mistake walking away
I know a lot of us want and wish and hope for reconciliation, and I don't want to be a downer, but I can't help thinking that "standing" in this way, not truly moving forward with our lives, is a form of emotional abuse. We take it from our WS, and then we dish it out to ourselves because we keep hoping they will "come to their senses". What if they didn't make a mistake? What if that is what they want?
I see some people waiting years and years still "hoping". When is it just avoiding reality? I think the point of the 180 is to get a life. Maybe in a few months YOU see you are better off without their cheating, lying ways. Or, you leave the door open, but your life is still just fine with them or without them. Yes, you can draw them back, and it may be the only way left to do it, but it is a small chance and you don't make it your goal or bet your life on it.
Another way to ask the question is, are we sacrificing our self respect by "going back to the person they fell in love with" in order to win someone back who may not be worthy of our love in the first place.
Thanks for checking in broke and Flight. To your point Flight, I have definitely come to terms with the reality that maybe he didnt make a mistake and this is what he wants. I've asked for grace to move through this situation either way, and I believe I've already received it. But isnt standing hoping and having faith in the best and prepping for the worst?
Is it so terrible to reach out for guidance and direction on all of this instead of just letting my M fall by the wayside like old garbage? H made decisions out of fear and emotion and yes, he may be attached to those decisions but why is it terrible to hope? Is that not what most of us are here seeking support for? For awhile, I did avoid reality, and now reality is beating me over the head and I absolutely hate it but all I can do is look out for myself at this point.
Some ppl say, "It isn't over until you give up," and others say, "This is the reality, get over it, move on, etc." I have been working on 180 and its very hard, even after 7 mos. We still have things together but no, I don't bet my life on it. All i can do is GAL and though it takes two to tango, I'm not giving up. I'm learning that I'm fine with or without him, but I also feel like he enhances me. I'm sitting here on our couch laughing about something we find hysterical and feeling just confused. I just want to run so far away from all of this. I just want to wake up from this one morning and have H pull me closer to him and make my heart warm.
The point of GAL, distancing yourself and getting out of their way is to let them live their life but in the process you start to detach.
You have to detach for your own mental sanity. Maybe something will bring them back but they might not also. However, as time progresses and you move forward with your life the memories will hurt a little less and come up less frequently. The first few months were super hard for me but for about a month or so before H really tried to come back I got to the point FINALLY where I could do things and have fun without thinking oh we used to do this with H or I wish I could tell H about this. I was used to my new normal and was getting okay with it.
Keep plugging away. Again, he may not come back or he may want to give it a try but at least you will save your sanity and walk away a better person who is hopefully more self aware of things that you can improve in yourself. Because at the end of the day you can only control you.
Thanks, T0. I definitely make attempts to have fun and get a good laugh in. Getting used to my new normal and doing the things that make me happy. And you're so right, all I can control is myself so I've been working on things that I know I ned to fix in order to have a healthy relationship in the future, with our without H. How do I 180/DB without giving up on my M? I want to rebuild.
As I mentioned, he refuses to see me, talk to me unless he absolutely has to. I don't initiate convos with him unless i have to but then DB coach says to not go too dark so I'm confused at this point. Obviously, my goal is to 180 but the more time that passes, the more I feel he just doesn't care about me.
Feeling kind of sad right this second. Missing H. Especially since its Sunday night...and Valentine's Day.
HopeRB,
Your story sounds so similar to mine. My H limits any interaction between us as well and I sense that he is moving to a new normal without me the more time we are separated. There are days I have hope and there are days I pray to have no hope and just get on with my life and not "stand still". Flight and TO324 had such great insight. I need to remember that I am moving to a "new normal" that may or may not include my H. All of us here have to remember that db'ing makes us stronger for ourselves and gives us some hope that our spouses will notice that they hate to be without us. However, if that doesn't happen we will still have GAL and become the best person we can be with or without them. I hope you aren't feeling as sad as when you posted earlier! Thinking of you and everyone db'ing today....
Hi Hope,
Im sorry you are struggling tonight, I am too. Just sad...
I agree with you broke. Just got back from a nice run and workout at the gym. I did a good job of 180/GALing today, and come to think of it, actually a very productive day today.
Thornton, I know its tough. What have you been up to today?
You know what I always think about? How H and I don't have any kids and how I really want children with him. And how I want to be a mom at some point soon and how I don't know when that's going to happen at this point b/c of all of this.
I didnt do a good job of GAL today. I stayed on the couch and threw a pity party.
Good job on the gym! Hopefully you'll get some good sleep tonight.
Try not to focus too far into the future in regards to having kids with H. Stay in the now as best you can. I know it's hard to do but it's better for your PMA.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you got this!
T0324, I just came across something from your story that illustrates my struggle to stay on course to a tee:
"That's what I struggle with is how to stay dark but bring him closer because I feel like I am so cold to him - giving him just yes no or okay answers."
How did you do this and and stay consistent when all you wanted was him to communicate with you and show you some respect?
Thanks Thornton. Everyone here has been so supportive and helpful in the sharing of experiences and I truly appreciate that.
It's late and cold and I'd like to go to sleep but don't feel like doing the whole empty bed thing tonight although I have to. It's fine, I'm just complaining I suppose. But I also think about how our friends are not even reaching out to me. At all. It seems that everyone is on his side and agreeing with him. His family has stopped reaching out as much even though they told him he needs to come home and no he is making a big mistake. And friends just dont even call me, not even to sympathize. There's only 1 person i confide in right now who H doesn't know at all and for a long time I just didn't have the energy to meet new people and forge new relationships. Feeling at a loss of friendships and connections we all once shared. People who I thought would be there for me and fight for "their favorite couple." These ppl stood next to us at our wedding and now, I don't hear from anyone.
Forgot to mention, stay strong Thornton! We made it through today, "holiday" or not! I heard this quote today and it may or may not help you but, I know I'm trying to allow this to really sink in:
"If i change the direction of the way I think, I can change the direction of the way I live."
Anyone have advice on dealing with the sudden change from friends and family? It's quite hurtful.
Hi Hope,
Can you clarify your question? What kinds of issues are you having?
Anyone have advice on dealing with the sudden change from friends and family? It's quite hurtful.
I've had the same issues, especially since I'm naturally shy and was more comfortable allowing H to do all of the planning and communicating. Sometimes those friends just don't know what to do or afraid of upsetting one or both of you. So, you have to grow a pair and take the initiative.
So here's what I have done:
1)Reached out by note, phone or text to family and mutual or former friend's just to "check on them" or "say hey". Let them know I've missed them.
2)Organize dates, parties, coffee groups, or small dinners at my house (what ladies used to do...) just because "I miss seeing you all".
3)Got honest. Reached out to some people who seemed nice at work and explained my situation and that I needed some friends. You'd be surprised; people often respond well to feeling needed.
4)Joined some meetup.com activities and a church(I'm not so religious) to broaden my range of support and sense of community belonging. Helps with GAL, too.
If you're like me, these are 180s as well. I realize it takes work to create change. Hope this helps.
Thanks ciluzen for your suggestions. I've been reaching out to people, have gotten support from a few coworkers. It hurts so much though. When I think of how everyone must be on his side in all this. And I don't want people choosing sides, I want our friends/family to fight for us. I have no support and sometimes feel discouraged.
On another note, feeling quite defeated. I know the only thing I have to control is myself, and I've been doing a good job of that but inside, I just feel so powerless.
HopeRB,
I also felt very hurt by friends of both my H and myself that weren't "sticking up for me" or telling my H that he is making a huge mistake fracturing his family and having an A. Unfortunately, I don't think men are prone to giving advice to one another like women do. In addition, I don't think my H was telling the truth. Finally, I think some people just don't know what to do by being stuck in the middle, so they do nothing. But, I will say telling lots of people my side of the story may have helped me "vent" but it has not helped encourage a reconciliation by my H. In fact, it has harmed it because he feels I have turned many mutual friends against him. So, what about joining some other activities instead? I joined a divorce support group that helped me realize that there are several people in the same situation as me. I also joined a ladies golf group which has been a ton of fun. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone but I look forward to both groups for different reasons. Someone suggested on my thread to do an activity that I always wanted to do that my H didn't. Every little bit of distraction that you enjoy I find helps. Sometimes its just getting up and out the door that is the most effort.
Broke, I was literally just catching up on your story when you posted your comment just now.
Everything you said just mentioned about our friends/family are all thoughts that I've had and am coming to terms with. And I try not to talk negatively about H at all to mutual friends but they know how much I'm hurting. Everytime I feel good about my DBing and GALing, I make a mistake and have to start alllll over again, and I'm realizing that includes interactions with friends/family. So, this is why I've slightly distanced myself also b/c I know I'm going to get emotional and say something that I'll regret. So better not to say anything at all.
I thought about the divorce/separation support group thing but I feel like that would be me conceding to his wishes and giving up hope on R. I know it's a weird thought process but not everyone in those groups is necessarily wanting R. The suggestion about doing an activity that H didn't want to do is already in the mix so I plan those activities for myself. I don't want to come off like I'm in full stand-still mode - I go out, have dinners with friends, church, etc. But I, like many of us here think it would be so much more fun with H. Just venting. I've been sick the last few days and H would've even made being fun lol. Btw, is this me putting him on a pedestal? I know he messed up but I also made a lot of mistakes too.
I think it has nothing to do with men or women when telling someone not to rip apart a family. My W has friends and family that tell me they can't believe it and this and that but they are the same people that say they don't say anything to her because she gets mad.
Really. So say nothing because she gets mad. Right.
I had a friend Coke to me and tell me he wanted to leave his wife of 20 years. I told him straight up. I know you feel you have your reasons but I don't agree that you can't work things out if you wanted to. He left and we are still friends.
HopeRB,
Not a pedestal at all. My guess is you are like me. I feel awful about not expressing how much I loved my life. That I didn't intend to take my marriage for granted. That my H and I both made my mistakes. The heartbreaking part is not having the opportunity to learn from those mistakes and building a stronger union than ever before. That's the part I'm struggling with. I know we could b great again if given the chance. But H is not interested unfortunately. Is that similar to how you feel?
By the way, my divorce support group is 6 people. And 3 of us are still hopeful for reconciliation. I shared the DR book with the other 2. It's just nice to be around others that are going through same thing.
Otw,
Gosh, I wish you were friends with my H. He has a great friend who tells his wife that he's crazy to leave me and tear up our family. But he doesn't say any of this to my H. I agree though - some people just don't want to disagree with then so they don't get mad. What a shame not though.
I don't get it either. Are they afraid she will cut them off if they don't agree with her? Maybe. I could see that possibly happening. If she didn't see things the same as someone then she would just move on.
Is your husband that way?
I know when they are in this mindset they look for validation. If they don't get it, bye
HopeRB,
Not a pedestal at all. My guess is you are like me. I feel awful about not expressing how much I loved my life. That I didn't intend to take my marriage for granted. That my H and I both made my mistakes. The heartbreaking part is not having the opportunity to learn from those mistakes and building a stronger union than ever before. That's the part I'm struggling with. I know we could b great again if given the chance. But H is not interested unfortunately. Is that similar to how you feel?
I feel this way exactly. And to Otw's point, friends/family can say/not say whatever they want but the WAS is going to do what they want to do regardless if it's against everyone's better judgement and they've been presented with supporting reasoning and facts. My brother-in-law has been talking H off the ledge for over a year now (that's how long H says he hasn't been happy), and H tried in his own way but still left. And I've heard from various sources that they don't even know who this person is and they can't believe it. But yeah, will they stand up and say do what you have to to give it a fighting chance?
I wish more than anything in the world that H would be open and vulnerable with me, allowing me to share how I've recognized my faults. I pray everyday that he recognizes his own faults and is vulnerable with me about them. I would give anything to have another chance at rebuilding my marriage with H.
I know when they are in this mindset they look for validation. If they don't get it, bye
Exactly. That's why H wasn't talking to anyone for a long time. And I guess you could say that's why I'm keeping my distance from folks now too. B/c I don't want them to keep telling me to "move on."
Otw and HopeRB,
Agreed...I don't think my H opens up to many people because he wants the validation but knows that he is so wrong he won't get it. And, unfortunately, the one person he does talk to has been cheating on his wife for 3 years. Yet, he ended it the A and they are going to MC to save their marriage. He should be the perfect person to tell my H to stop what he is doing and try to save the marriage. But, he just listens and tells his wife he thinks my H is "delusional to leave me and my kids". It sounds like your H was doing similar thing - just avoiding talking about it to many people. They just don't want to hear that what they are doing is wrong. What use is a good friend if they are only going to tell you what they want to hear?! I also think validation is leading my H to follow through with the divorce. In order to validate his opinion that the M was doomed (even without the affair) he has to prove to everyone that our marriage was filled with problems (that never were discussed until after the A started).
Sorry, HopeRB, didn't mean to hijack your thread. I just feel like there seems to be a lot of similarities in our H's
Haha, no worries. We're all here to share experiences and swap ideas. It's sad that these WAS's get validation for their actions, thus building their false confidence in that what they're doing is right or "healthy" as my H puts it.
I wasn't going to post this for several reasons but feeling the need to get it off my chest. I saw that H contacted OW on V-Day. It also appears that she is listed as his co-collaborator/biz partner along with her contact info on his company's site. She might have two different numbers b/c the number I've been knowing her to have is the one he called on Vday but there's a different number listed under her name on his site.
How can he wake up next to another person who isn't his wife and be happy about it? How can he just kick me out of the company that I helped him start and just replace me and all of the roles Ive had in his life for this person who clearly has no morals?
On the other side of that, I know I'm doing good at detaching b/c seeing this didn't affect the same way it might have a few months ago. But that doesn't help the fact that it still hurts.
Ok, I think I figured out that its actually a friend of his, and not OW listed on his site. But now that makes me want to reach out to his friend and ask him if him and his W know whats going on. B/c we've hung out with them before. Sigh.
Dont reach out, you will look like a stalker.
Detach.
Thanks for always being there, Thornton. All I want to do is slap him to be honest lol. And, I've been good about not stalking anybody, for anything this whole time. Our "mutual" friend aka his best friend who also happens to be our neighbor heard me coughing up a lung last night and knocked on my door to see if I was ok. And since my revelation that DBing/GALing/180ing includes having a good countenance in front of friends/family is just as important, I pretended that I was doing ok and yadda, yadda, yadda. The last time he saw me, I was a wreck and we haven't spoken since then and try to not pass each other in the hallway.
But seriously, what does he say to a woman on Vday when he KNOWS he is wrong?! And even if he doesn't feel he is wrong, he's whispering sweet nothings to a woman who is NOT HIS WIFE! This is mayhem.
His family checked up on my the other day and now his best friend and they all talk daily so by now, he must know that his W is sick, broke, etc. But does he care?
Yeah, people in affairs are basically addicts. They act the same way. If you read about the pysiological things that happen to the brain when a person is in a A, it's very similiar to drug addiction. Huge dopamine releases etc.
Addicts will do some crazy stuff to get another hit of that dopamine.
When I first fell in love with WAW, we lived about an hour apart. One day she was sick at home and it was a blizzard outside. I drove in the blizzard for 2 hours to bring her some soup from a restaraunt she liked.
I brought her the soup and then hung out with her for 15 minutes and then had to get back home before the roads got too bad. 4 hour trip to see her for 15 minutes. Insane...
HopeRB,
I am in the same boat with my H being addicted to his OW. And, unfortunately, it is making me crazy and sabotaging my efforts to db. So, I agree with Thornton, don't contact the friend and detach. I know it is so much easier said than done. And, your imagination about the life he has with the OW just makes you crazy. But, I think the best we can do is detach. Now, if only I could take my own advice....
broke, you always hit the nail on the head. My mind constantly drifts to how much fun they must be having now that I'm out of the picture. Or not, maybe deep down in side H knows what he is doing is not right and will only serve to yield more pain and destruction if he keeps on this path. I pray that he is awaked from his fog. But I'll keep detaching.
Correct me if I'm wrong guys b/c I don't have kids but, do you think it would be easier for you to DB if you didnt have children? B/c I'm finding it pretty frustrating. Everyone says, "You're lucky you guys don't have kids," and I understand where they're coming from but does that make our M any less valid? Does that mean I should get over it any faster? And I feel like having kids at least gives you a reason to interact (although that doesn't seem to mean anything anyway in some cases). With no kids, H really has no reason to interact with me.
Just caught up on your sitch. Sorry you're here. Just two comments to start.
In response to the whole "Should I want my M back" or "Should I accept D and move on", the answer is really neither. You don't need to make any decisions today. And even if you did, you would still grieve, you would still have second thoughts either way. And either way, you should be doing the same things. Taking care of yourself. So spare yourself the whole 'making a decision' thing. Instead detach from both outcomes and take care of yourself so you'll be ok regardless.
As for the whole "how can I be consistent with my validation", it reminded me of a post I made the other day. Cliff notes- work on understanding his point of view, not on pretending you do.
I don't think validation is a technique you should try to remember. I think it is the natural outcome of understanding your partner. If you can 'forget', this just means you haven't really understood his point of view. Because if you did, you wouldn't lose sight of it.
There was a story I never forgot about the dad with 3 kids riding home on a bus one day. The dad was quietly looking out the window. The kids were running up and down the aisles, running into other passengers, causing a ruckus. The dad did nothing to stop them and was just not attentive. As the kids grew more wild, the passengers on the bus started exchanging glances at each other, rolling their eyes, shaking their heads. Finally, one passenger decided he needed to address it. He tried to be polite but it was clear he was irritated. He walked up to the dad and said "excuse me, but if you haven't noticed your children have been behaving a bit inappropriately and it's bothering some of the passengers. Would you mind talking to them about it?" The dad turned slowly and said in a monotone voice, "I'm so sorry, I hadn't noticed. It's been a hard day. We are on our way back from their mother's funeral and I guess none of us really know how to handle it."
I read that over 10 years ago and it stuck with me. I believe it was from the 7 habits of highly effective people, but the point was about paradigm shift. How we see things a certain way, and how that can shift entirely. Once it shifts, it doesn't just shift back.
So once you truly hear what your H is saying, you won't need to remember to validate, any more than the passenger on the bus would need to try to remember to be patient with the dad the remainder of the trip home.
Hang in and keep posting.
HopeRB,
I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner. Oh, I don't think anyone should tell you that you are lucky you guys don't have kids! I don't think divorce is easier just because you don't have children. I think divorce is a death that just keeps going with no closure until there is and it's horrible with or without kids. It's the death of a relationship that you gave your heart and soul to. My 15-year-old calls it divorce cancer.
In my case, I'm letting myself get out of db'ing because I have a bad habit of trying to "fix" things for them because I can see how shattered they are by the A and D. I just figured this out today. It's really my issue because I can't do that. Begging and pursuing him to reconcile actually makes it worse. I'm glad I now realize that and can attempt to stop.
I can understand how you must feel like there's no opportunity to do any db'ing because there isn't a built-in reason to interact. Without my boys, I don't think my H and I would be speaking or see each other. That must be incredibly difficult to determine if anything is even there. I can see all the damage I've done and mistakes I've made because we have no choice but to communicate. How do you feel like it's going?
Zues, once again you've brought to light a perspective that I don't give alot of attention to although I know I should. I've thought about his needs, wants and perspective in all this and have come to impasses on it, my latest realization being that this is his journey and all i can do is let him go and find out for himself. I know this and it still doesn't make it any easier. It's not like I'm saying this about an old friend or someone I haven't slept with everyday for the past however many years.
I guess sometimes I just feel too upset and emotional to want to truly understand his perspective. Especially when I see things that make me think he is just walking farther and farther away. Also, I feel like when I do stop and examine his perspective, I actually do begin to empathize with him (from a distance), see where he's coming from and acknowledge it. But then, I feel like if I say these things then he will feel validated in his resolve to leave our M and that too will push him out. So to me, it looks like a win-lose situation: if I defend and disagree, It's destructive to our R and he "loses", yet if I empathize and acknowledge, then I lose. And I don't look at it as if we're competitors per se, this is just what goes on in my mind when I seek to work on understanding his point of view. And this has always been a problem for me throughout our M, which is probably what eroded the safe haven we'd established within each other. He didn't feel safe or supported when he came to b/c instead of empathizing with him, I was setting up to defend myself.
broke, I know you've had a long night/day and I'm happy for you to be coming into realizations about yourself and your situation. I ask everyday that things like that are revealed to me so I know what to work on for myself, to make myself healthy and whole for whatever comes next. I know we've got a similar thing going on but I would encourage you not to give up. And I think the way Zues just put it illustrates it pretty well also:
In response to the whole "Should I want my M back" or "Should I accept D and move on", the answer is really neither. You don't need to make any decisions today. And even if you did, you would still grieve, you would still have second thoughts either way. And either way, you should be doing the same things. Taking care of yourself. So spare yourself the whole 'making a decision' thing. Instead detach from both outcomes and take care of yourself so you'll be ok regardless.
I try to DB when I interact with H. And as I mentioned before, I've realized that goes as far as indirect interactions to him via friends/family. It's almost as if I have to DB them! And the only ppl that see my true cards are literally 2 people...and myabe my Dad.
I'm so sorry to hear about your boys and the your web your H is attempting to spin. It sounds like you've been doing your absolute best to be a transparent, supportive mom to those boys so please keep up the good work. Amidst all of that, we cannot beg, plead, reason, etc. It took me so long to realize even the way I saw something could be misconstrued as "reasoning," so I would say be open to the realizations that you get because they only serve to help YOU, regardless of the outcome. Of course, easier said than done but I'm almost starting to feel "excited" (using this term very loosely) when I have an epiphany or realization b/c that just means I one step closer to a better me, and that is really what the point of all this is. Why do you find it easier to GAL/Db when you're alone vs with the boys?
HopeRB,
You and I are definitely having a similar sitch. Thank you for sharing the quote from Zeus - he really is dead on with the great advice. That needs to be my mantra!
When you said It took me so long to realize even the way I saw something could be misconstrued as "reasoning," so I would say be open to the realizations that you get because they only serve to help YOU, regardless of the outcome that really hits home...My H was so reasonable before he got involved with the OW. From the very beginning of this I was trying to be logical and rational because that is always how we worked out our issues before. So, it has been very difficult to change our dynamic after 20 years because there is absolutely no reasoning with someone who is in "affair fog". Really great advice!
About the kids and db'ing - I know I am not the perfect mom, but I do know I am a really great one and that led to some of the issues my H and I are having now. I put the kids ahead of him and it was definitely my mistake - he should've been a priority, too and I didn't make him feel like one. Looking back at all the times in the past 7 months that I "begged, pleaded and pursued", it was after an episode one of the boys had being emotional about the A or D. As their mom, I like to "fix" things when they are broken for them and I have struggled with that in the past. Unfortunately, I cannot fix this divorce anymore than I should fix other things for them in their path. It's just a pattern I was able to see when my S was telling me about being bullied at school, it immediately set me off when my H didn't make it a priority when I thought he should. I need to stop reacting emotionally right away, step back and be thoughtful about my plans and strategize. That needs to start happening in my db'ing and when the kids or I are faced with difficulties. So, thanks for the good advice to try and db all the family and friends, too. What a great way to practice and I am so sick of talking about it anyway. I want to detach from all that drama and be "normal" with them again sometimes! I am seeing family this weekend and I am definitely going to try it!
Yes, I had to remind myself of the elusive affair fog a few times in the past 48hrs. I just can't believe my H is still in this fog. Which makes me wonder if it is a fog at all. And I think I saw somewhere on your thread that judging from your H's email, he must've read DB/DR b/c he's got it down pat! It's like the DBing is reversed! I've had that thought about my H's responses to me also and how it seems he's read every M saving piece of writing out there b/c it seems like it follows it all...but he hasn't and he doesn't have the same goal as me. Which also makes me wonder, if I react this way to his "perfect" yet indirect DBing, then imagine if I could interact simply with acknowledgment and no emotion....radical idea.
broke and Hope, (btw that almost sums up my life right now, LOL),
I keep thinking my own H is DBing ME but with a different goal, as well!
He has detachment DOWN PAT. He validates my feelings without agreeing with me PERFECTLY. And only contacts me when necessary. Except when he's out having fun on weekends and runs into me...that's the only part that doesn't fit. I have my theories on that, though.
Oh, I completely agree. My H seems like he could've written the db'ing handbook. He is completely detached, going to counseling for himself (180 - I begged for counseling for years to make our "good" marriage even better), GAL'ing by working out, running 5k's and has an OW. He has always been good at validating and he only contacts me about the kids. We never run into each other anywhere. It is really too bad he has no desire to reconcile because with the two of us working on our own stuff, we might actually be able to have a great "remarriage" :-)
Ciluzen - what is your theory about running into your H on the weekends? That's interesting....
Yeah, H is a pro. I haven't seen him in 2.5 months.
HopeRB,
Just a note....my counselor said the affair fog could be 1-2 years until the infatuation wears off and reality sets in. My H's best friend cheated on his wife for 2 years until she found out. They are now in MC and it looks like he is moving back in soon and they are reconciling. I sometimes wonder if it is because his affair ran it's course.
I don't plan on waiting around for 1-2 years waiting for the affair log to lift though. I am trying hard to really detach and not "fake" it anymore. I know that will take some time, but I want my db'ing to be as much about me as the hope for future reconciliation and then move completely to be the best "me" I can be. I think I was a pretty good catch before. With all the great advice I am getting on here, I think I can really be aware of when I am slipping into past mistakes and be a better wife (girlfriend and mom, too) for wherever my future takes me. I don't plan on wasting this opportunity to become a better "me".
Hit submit too soon b/c I hate even writing those words. The last time I saw him was the night he came home to tell me he wanted a D. The last thing I saw was him grabbing his coat in a hurry and turning his back to me as he walked from our apartment. I called, "[H's Name], what are you doing?!" and he simply put his hand up as if to dismiss me and kept walking away. Didn't even look back at me. Haven't seen him since.
How long ago was that? Has he filed for D? That is really a tough last memory...
Ciluzen, I think it's interesting that you run into him on the weekends too. This entire time, I haven't run into my H at all. And I haven't run into his friends either. And we all live in the same area and like the same things. But I've also been keeping to myself and not doing those things b/c the memories hurt too much so that may also be why I don't run into ppl.
And to your point broke, if I run my calculations based on the timeline, H has been working and hanging out with OW for well over 1 year now. He's started and stopped and started again. Thats what makes me think maybe it's not a fog. I also find it weird b/c during his "stop", he even admitted that whatever they had was started out of sadness, loneliness, depression, anger, etc. But yet, he keeps going back. And I wonder if he's integrating her into his life. And if our friends are keeping it from me and protecting him b/b I know absolutely nothing. Like I said, ppl are acting as if I never even existed and this is all just fine. Feel like I'm in the twilight zone, still.
My last memory of WAW is very similiar. Her walking out the door as I told her I don't want this. She walked out and closed the door.
Haven't seen her since.
I've read that the majority of A's end within 6 months to 2 years. Basically the honeymoon period where both people are still acting like the best versions of themselves. Then they slowly start to reveal themselves and reality sets in.
My first wife left me and had an affair. It took her about 7 months to snap out of it. She immediately started to try to get back with me. It was very sudden. I had already fell for another girl at the time and didn't have any feelings for her anymore.
She still hints at getting back together to this day. When I see her now, I actually feel a little grossed out by her. I have zero feelings for her, zero.
This was 2 weeks before Xmas, a few days before our 4th anniversary. No, he hasn't filed yet but I heard from a friend that he's talking to lawyers. Which in itself is comical b/c we have no money at all.
That memory will never leave me. And I know that b/c I still have very vivid memories about things from my childhood.
I am so sorry, HopeRB. It does make it very tough that you don't have any time of "connection" where you are forced to have some type of interactions to check your db'ing progress. I bet the holidays were just awful. By the time I was at the holidays it has been 4-5 months, so it wasn't as "fresh". Do you feel like the db'ing is helping you individually? Have you gotten to that point yet? That is what I am striving for....to not "fake it" anymore, but really try to do the work for myself on myself. Not JUST for the hope of reconciliation but moving towards just being the best person (mom, wife, friend, etc) that I can be. I know for me it will be so hard to do this, but I have to for my sanity.
I missed this post before. I sometimes wonder if my H is still in the "fog", too. He told me that he had a connection with the OW from the moment he met her 2 years ago at work. But, it didn't become physical until July. However, he just isn't himself - he is really lost, not logical or rational at all, can't really face what he's done (lying to his family and friends). So, then I think he is still in the fog, but I waver back and forth. I do know that I can't let myself get dragged down into it with him.
You are still at the very beginning of your journey and I felt like I was married to an alien and in the twilight zone for 2-3 months. I promise that feeling does start to wan - I do have a day here and there where it just feels surreal, but I don't focus so much on being in the "zone". I think it is part of the first step to grieving: denial. The more I got out and scheduled things the better I felt. I remember the first "normal" day I had: I celebrated no nap or crying, just paid the bills, had coffee with friends. It felt amazing to jump that hurdle. Now, I have lots of normal days. But, I hate that your friends haven't been there the way that you need them to be. That is where I have been very blessed - I have two friends that have checked on me daily since this started 7 months ago. That is a blessing. Can you reach out to some others and start to build up some more social outings? I do think it really helps....
Well Thanksgiving was awesome, I thought. He said he was just pretending. We spent it together. Flew down to my brother-in-laws house, cooked dinner, slept in the same bed, cuddled, he rubbed my feet, deferred to me, made me drinks, laughed, yadda, yadda. And I gave him his space the entire time and even our family could see that he loved me and was coming to me. We were close on our flights, talked about him coming home...and then 1.5 weeks later.
Christmas was extremely difficult and I didn't know what to do with myself so my family flew me down to FL to get away for a few days. A chunk of my mom's family moved down there years ago, including my mother who I've struggled with my entire life and has been the biggest source of pain in my life - sorry was about to go off on a rant there. Nevertheless, I was miserable there and just wanted to come back home.
And I do feel 180ing and DBing are helping. I go out, it's just not the same as before, sadly. I also have 2 friends that check on me daily to make sure I'm ok but we are very different, I'm noticing. I find myself trying to be my old self with my old sense of humor and gusto with these ladies, and even share everyday details about work and things as I would with H but, it's not the same. I don't get the same caring response I would get from H. I feel like I'm trying to replace H's role through my friends's in a weird way and it just isn't working. I can't even make the same jokes I used, talk about the things I used to like to talk about (H and I are into alot of the same things), even go the same places b/c my "new" friends don't like doing certain things or going to certain places I like to go. Aside from all of that, I'm just getting used to my new normal, taking it day by day. Was thinking of traveling somewhere out of the country by myself for my bday but that all depends if I can land a job and also get some extra income.
My H also worked with OW for awhile before it became a PA. She was for all intents and purposes, "a friend." I mean, we invited to our house for parties. He would send her to run errands for me and whole host of other things I wont go into b/c now that I look at it, H was playing me for a fool.