Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/03/16 08:15 AM
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/03/16 08:22 AM
Bringing this over from my old thread
MB...long winded is ALAWAYS welcome here. And I can see what you're saying about your H. He may have done those things for you, to get your praise and show you that he listens to you and loves you. Your reaction sounds a lot like me...sigh...maybe thats why we're friends. Birds of a feather and all that.
My XF? No. Just. No. I may have (definitely have) handled everything wrong. But my gut has been pretty accurate on all of the BS he has done all along. I wish it wasn't.
MB...long winded is ALAWAYS welcome here. And I can see what you're saying about your H. He may have done those things for you, to get your praise and show you that he listens to you and loves you. Your reaction sounds a lot like me...sigh...maybe thats why we're friends. Birds of a feather and all that.
My XF? No. Just. No. I may have (definitely have) handled everything wrong. But my gut has been pretty accurate on all of the BS he has done all along. I wish it wasn't.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/03/16 09:31 AM
Rain, I think I agree with MB. If only because it would be a 180 to open the door just a bit to trusting him. I don't mean trust him if he's not trustworthy (and he may not be). But if he's trying, and you accept it in baby steps, he's more motivated to keep trying. It sounds like he's doing a 180 for you. What's the worst that can happen? Only you can answer that, but I have some ideas, and it involves you getting hurt all over again. That's your decision, of course. It's not fun to be so vulnerable, I know.
On January 2nd, the last real time I spent with W, we had a good R talk, she made lunch for us both (very unusual) and cleaned up most of the dishes as well (a 180 for her). I thanked her for doing that, and I meant it. When she left the house that day, she was still uncertain about leaving me or not. At least that's what she said. But the next day she said her decision was "final". I don't think it had anything to do with her making lunch of course, but i don't think my thanking her hurt either.
Except for the time I followed her across campus arguing about a financial settlement, I've been pretty even tempered and nice to her, as she has to me. So I don't know if it's helping or if she just sees me as "just a friend" in the future. I believe, from our conversation last week that she's still trying to figure it out. What she doesn't know is that I don't think I can ever be just her friend.
What I've tried to do, with everyone's help here, is give her the space and time alone she has asked for. And then she says she misses me and realizes all I did for us as a couple. So maybe it's working, maybe not. Again, I don't think it's hurting.
And of course like MB,I wonder how long this dimming can go. I want to figure out when it's OK to spend some time with W, but for now I'm still waiting for her to make the first move.
Thinking of you...
On January 2nd, the last real time I spent with W, we had a good R talk, she made lunch for us both (very unusual) and cleaned up most of the dishes as well (a 180 for her). I thanked her for doing that, and I meant it. When she left the house that day, she was still uncertain about leaving me or not. At least that's what she said. But the next day she said her decision was "final". I don't think it had anything to do with her making lunch of course, but i don't think my thanking her hurt either.
Except for the time I followed her across campus arguing about a financial settlement, I've been pretty even tempered and nice to her, as she has to me. So I don't know if it's helping or if she just sees me as "just a friend" in the future. I believe, from our conversation last week that she's still trying to figure it out. What she doesn't know is that I don't think I can ever be just her friend.
What I've tried to do, with everyone's help here, is give her the space and time alone she has asked for. And then she says she misses me and realizes all I did for us as a couple. So maybe it's working, maybe not. Again, I don't think it's hurting.
And of course like MB,I wonder how long this dimming can go. I want to figure out when it's OK to spend some time with W, but for now I'm still waiting for her to make the first move.
Thinking of you...
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/03/16 09:40 AM
NYG...I am a screeching banshee here. But other than crying and cursing during the talk a few days ago, I have been dim and I even told him yesterday that his plans sound good and that I know he can do it all.
I'm getting us ready now to pick up the money he owes me. And I plan on finding a way to bring in money without paying for day care since it would cancel out a paycheck, It's very expensive. I just see that he is saying a lot of things (he wants to buy me a new car, he wants to pay off something that needs to be paid for me, he wants to do XYZ for and with the kids etc) but his actions of spending every dime on what he is spending it on go against what he is saying.
I will check in soon. Have to finish getting us ready.
I'm getting us ready now to pick up the money he owes me. And I plan on finding a way to bring in money without paying for day care since it would cancel out a paycheck, It's very expensive. I just see that he is saying a lot of things (he wants to buy me a new car, he wants to pay off something that needs to be paid for me, he wants to do XYZ for and with the kids etc) but his actions of spending every dime on what he is spending it on go against what he is saying.
I will check in soon. Have to finish getting us ready.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/03/16 10:07 AM
Okay about to run out. But also, it is not a good feeling to be told that there is no money for extras like takeout or a movie when all he is doing is throwing money away BUT says I'm not being understanding of how hard he works and how difficult it is for him to be paying for 2 households. Refuses to accept the real reason he has no money.
Okay. Wish me luck that I thank him and leave with no argument. Especially if he is being nasty.
Okay. Wish me luck that I thank him and leave with no argument. Especially if he is being nasty.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/03/16 11:00 AM
I started to write this yesterday but worried about coming across as non-supportive when you've already been through so much lately, however...I concur with MB and NYGal. It's so easy to mind read and make negative assumptions as to what is motivating his behavior, but you never know... What if he took all the recent conversations to heart and was truly motivated to try to change some of these things you've always asked for? How would you recognize a genuine effort at change without at least being open to the possibility instead of assuming the worst? We *have* to believe in the possibility of change for BOTH partners if we are to have any hope at rebuilding our broken relationships. Otherwise, it just doesn't work. I know transparency and total commitment are the big things you're seeking from him, and he hasn't been able to offer those to you yet. But just because he can't offer those today doesn't mean he never will, or that all other efforts are fake or meaningless. Baby steps.
Either way, it sounds like you handled the talk well, and I think it would be an awesome 180 to continue to build him up and encourage him all the way. You have set your boundaries...R talk is off the table until he can provide total commitment and transparency. But that doesn't mean you can't be a cheerleader and support all his other endeavors to change. Make him WANT to be a better man for you.
One of things I picked up from my own sitch is how our expectations of an individual influence the outcome. As I have mentioned before, my H tried really hard after his A was uncovered to really make amends. But the level of deception he'd engaged in to cover it up in the first place still made it really difficult for me to trust him. As he grew more and more resentful of the fact he was making all these efforts for me and I still couldn't give him full trust, he started to say things like, "what difference does it make...I might as well be doing all these bad things because you think I am, anyway." And slowly, he quit trying, and eventually walked away entirely. If you have negative expectations of someone, they are going to give you what you expect. By the same token, people can often become more trustworthy simply by being trusted.
Either way, it sounds like you handled the talk well, and I think it would be an awesome 180 to continue to build him up and encourage him all the way. You have set your boundaries...R talk is off the table until he can provide total commitment and transparency. But that doesn't mean you can't be a cheerleader and support all his other endeavors to change. Make him WANT to be a better man for you.
One of things I picked up from my own sitch is how our expectations of an individual influence the outcome. As I have mentioned before, my H tried really hard after his A was uncovered to really make amends. But the level of deception he'd engaged in to cover it up in the first place still made it really difficult for me to trust him. As he grew more and more resentful of the fact he was making all these efforts for me and I still couldn't give him full trust, he started to say things like, "what difference does it make...I might as well be doing all these bad things because you think I am, anyway." And slowly, he quit trying, and eventually walked away entirely. If you have negative expectations of someone, they are going to give you what you expect. By the same token, people can often become more trustworthy simply by being trusted.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/03/16 02:58 PM
Anna I will respond to you, and I will post what happened today, but first I need advice. I have his calls blocked. He has started video calling since yesterday. However I don't answer all of them. Let me do a quick count.
Yep. He has video called 26 times today so far. I'd say 5 or 6 were because I got lost getting to him. So I answered 4 plus the "lost" calls. The others I didn't answer, some on purpose, some because my phone was charging or I was busy.
He is angry and has asked me (nicely) to please unblock so that he can call me without the other app. He is also upset that I am "ignoring" him.
So...advice....should I unblock him?
Yep. He has video called 26 times today so far. I'd say 5 or 6 were because I got lost getting to him. So I answered 4 plus the "lost" calls. The others I didn't answer, some on purpose, some because my phone was charging or I was busy.
He is angry and has asked me (nicely) to please unblock so that he can call me without the other app. He is also upset that I am "ignoring" him.
So...advice....should I unblock him?
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/03/16 05:50 PM
If you're going to answer a video call anyway, then why not unblock him? I mean, it's more intrusive to have to see him and give him the control of being able to see you when he calls through a video app. Not to mention he can see where you are and what you're doing if you answer a video call. Just my thoughts.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/03/16 08:09 PM
Because with our carrier if we look at the screen as the call is being made we can see if the other person is on the other line. Weird right? And 'cause I try to, as the kids say (and me lol) "keep it real" with you guys... I would get super crazy mad and lash out when I saw that. Especially if he had already said goodnight and that he was going to bed.
But I haven't done that in forever. But now it's him. And if I try to be vague aka mysterious, when he asks who I'm talking to, it just makes him madder and I don't need that crap.
Plus as you can see from his excessive video calls he borders on stalking. Unless he is otherwise engaged *cough*.
However, I have always shut down (after going ape sg!t) on him and ignored him so a 180 would be to not do that. Because a carefree single gal that has to find a way to co-parent with her XF would be too fabulous and enjoying her super fun and awesome new single life to even care enough to block him. Or so I tell myself. Which is why I have come to the land of the heartbroken but sane for advice. I've made so many mistakes. Mostly by not coming here first or by ignoring the advice.
Trying to do better.
But I haven't done that in forever. But now it's him. And if I try to be vague aka mysterious, when he asks who I'm talking to, it just makes him madder and I don't need that crap.
Plus as you can see from his excessive video calls he borders on stalking. Unless he is otherwise engaged *cough*.
However, I have always shut down (after going ape sg!t) on him and ignored him so a 180 would be to not do that. Because a carefree single gal that has to find a way to co-parent with her XF would be too fabulous and enjoying her super fun and awesome new single life to even care enough to block him. Or so I tell myself. Which is why I have come to the land of the heartbroken but sane for advice. I've made so many mistakes. Mostly by not coming here first or by ignoring the advice.
Trying to do better.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/03/16 08:27 PM
OMG, that IS weird! That would drive me nuts. I think I'd have to switch phone carriers.
Is the video app that you're talking about called Marco Polo? My sister wanted me to download that one, but I haven't used it.
Is the video app that you're talking about called Marco Polo? My sister wanted me to download that one, but I haven't used it.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/03/16 08:32 PM
Anna...you make me smile. You wanted to give me a 2x4 yesterday but didn't. You're a peach so Thank you.
Now. Onto your 2x4.
I mind read. Hello. My name is Rain and I'm a mind reader.
Hi Rain!
Ugh. I know I shouldn't Anna. I know. It's just SO hard not to and for it to not be a negative mind read when virtually everything Ive thought was happening and the reasons behind him doing certain things has been so spot on.
But...
It hasn't changed anything. He still did/does as he pleases. And I have taken that to he heart. Agreed that It hasn't been for long, but no matter what mind reading I'm doing, all he hears is me saying I believe in him.
As for this..."I know transparency and total commitment are the big things you're seeking from him, and he hasn't been able to offer those to you yet. But just because he can't offer those today doesn't mean he never will, or that all other efforts are fake or meaningless. Baby steps."
You're right. Since he hasn't seen fit to give me what I want I assume he never will. And maybe he won't but there is a slight chance. I used to convince myself he didn't love me. Now I think he does. Just not in the way I want him to love me. But again, there's always that chance things might turn around once he is done with what he needs to do. Maybe it will happen is better than it will absolutely never happen.
I have done a lot wrong. A. Friggin. LOT. But I can say that I have always believed in him and told him as much. More than he has ever believed in himself. But I can keep doing it. Who doesn't love a cheerleader?!
And R talks SHOULD be off the table except he keeps bringing it up.
And this...my H tried really hard after his A was uncovered to really make amends. But the level of deception he'd engaged in to cover it up in the first place still made it really difficult for me to trust him. As he grew more and more resentful of the fact he was making all these efforts for me and I still couldn't give him full trust, he started to say things like, "what difference does it make...I might as well be doing all these bad things because you think I am, anyway." And slowly, he quit trying,"
First. Im sorry Anna. I know how this pains you.
Second...as we've discussed before....our situations are similar. XF has said both of those things to me too.
I don't know why I try, it never makes a difference with you
You listen but you don't hear what I'm saying
You're never going to see me as anything different than you do now
And also....
I may as well be having an A if all you do is bitch and accuse me. (while actively in affair lol)
I need to 180 my sitch. I need to do a lot of things. Grr. This is hard.
Let me know when you start a new thread.
Now. Onto your 2x4.
I mind read. Hello. My name is Rain and I'm a mind reader.
Hi Rain!
Ugh. I know I shouldn't Anna. I know. It's just SO hard not to and for it to not be a negative mind read when virtually everything Ive thought was happening and the reasons behind him doing certain things has been so spot on.
But...
It hasn't changed anything. He still did/does as he pleases. And I have taken that to he heart. Agreed that It hasn't been for long, but no matter what mind reading I'm doing, all he hears is me saying I believe in him.
As for this..."I know transparency and total commitment are the big things you're seeking from him, and he hasn't been able to offer those to you yet. But just because he can't offer those today doesn't mean he never will, or that all other efforts are fake or meaningless. Baby steps."
You're right. Since he hasn't seen fit to give me what I want I assume he never will. And maybe he won't but there is a slight chance. I used to convince myself he didn't love me. Now I think he does. Just not in the way I want him to love me. But again, there's always that chance things might turn around once he is done with what he needs to do. Maybe it will happen is better than it will absolutely never happen.
I have done a lot wrong. A. Friggin. LOT. But I can say that I have always believed in him and told him as much. More than he has ever believed in himself. But I can keep doing it. Who doesn't love a cheerleader?!
And R talks SHOULD be off the table except he keeps bringing it up.
And this...my H tried really hard after his A was uncovered to really make amends. But the level of deception he'd engaged in to cover it up in the first place still made it really difficult for me to trust him. As he grew more and more resentful of the fact he was making all these efforts for me and I still couldn't give him full trust, he started to say things like, "what difference does it make...I might as well be doing all these bad things because you think I am, anyway." And slowly, he quit trying,"
First. Im sorry Anna. I know how this pains you.
Second...as we've discussed before....our situations are similar. XF has said both of those things to me too.
I don't know why I try, it never makes a difference with you
You listen but you don't hear what I'm saying
You're never going to see me as anything different than you do now
And also....
I may as well be having an A if all you do is bitch and accuse me. (while actively in affair lol)
I need to 180 my sitch. I need to do a lot of things. Grr. This is hard.
Let me know when you start a new thread.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/03/16 08:36 PM
Originally Posted By: - MB -
OMG, that IS weird! That would drive me nuts. I think I'd have to switch phone carriers.
Is the video app that you're talking about called Marco Polo? My sister wanted me to download that one, but I haven't used it.
Is the video app that you're talking about called Marco Polo? My sister wanted me to download that one, but I haven't used it.
When I was using it for intel lol I would have fought a carier change with every fiber of my being. Now I would LURVE one. Funny how that works huh.
And, no. Not Marco Polo.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/03/16 09:43 PM
So todays recap.
XF ignored my texts last night about our daughter who had hit her head. Okay back up, he asked how they were as she slipped and slammed her head. After i calmed her down and gave her medicine because the bump came on fast, i answered him.
We sent a couple of texts back and forth. My last one asking him if he had any more baby medicine at his as I just gave her the last of what I had. It was 1 minute after hia last text. No answer. So I called. He ignored me.
This morning he started video calling at 7am. I was asleep. He then started texting at 8am. The usual (especially if he thinks my silence means that Im mad)
-hey love..sorry I fell asleep last night (sure)
-hey baby..call me when you get a chance...hope you and the kids have a great day
-great, you're ignoring me. Very mature. I know you probably dont believe me but I fell asleep
I ignored it all and when I did call I was very upbeat (sounding). Hey XF...sorry, I was busy. But what's up!?
We discussed me going to pick up the money he owed me. He gave me his location etc.
A few more video calls that I missed while getting the kids fed and ready.
A few angry texts about how ridiculous I am to still have him blocked. And asking when we would be there.
Called him as we were headed out. He's angry because I won't be there for his lunch hour. His boss has an attitude with them already. Now I'm going to get him in trouble.
As if. His boss is his friend. And even if he is in a mood. All you'd be doing is walking to my car to hand me something. 30 seconds, If that.
I don't say that though. I say... I'm sorry XF. Had you told me he would be there today, of course I would have hurried the kids and made it there for your break time. I will talk to you later.
All of my responses are 180s. I am quick on the trigger when I know he is lying or when he is spewing blame. Today I gave responses that were the exact opposite
He left me a voicemail again on how he hates being blocked but also where am I. Why is it taking so long etc
I pick up next call and he is angry at 1st. You don't realize how it looks when I walk off the job even for a few minutes. I'm the supervisor and I can't do that. Blah blah. If this was my company it'd be different
Me: I'm sorry XF. I'll be there soon. Maybe next time you can just deposit it into my account. What do you think?
Him: (calmer) no babe. I want you to come. I just don't want go hear his sh!t. Im sorry. I don't want you to feel bad. I know it's not easy getting the kids ready. Just let me know when youre here.
I get lost a few times. He gets angry.
Long story slightly less long...
I get there, finally. He says hi to the kids..kisses them and walks away. They start screaming and calling to him. I start crying.
They have taken this S very hard. He knows it because they are off of their schedule and their appetites are hit and miss.
He has seen how ecstatic they get when he does come by so he knows that they miss him. However this is one of the few times he has heard them cry the way I hear them cry. With a longing in the wails.
I drive away crying and trying to calm them down. He calls.
I tell him to please hang up because I am not okay right now. He asks why? So I tell him.
I'm sad that our children are sad. He says he is sorry but had to return to work. I said its fine to work. They're crying because they rarely see you and they got happy for a minute and then you disappeared.
He starts in blaming me. How he would see them more but I can't control my mouth. All I do is argue and bring up the past and thats why he stays away.
I pull over because I'm crying and can't drive and so that the kids wouldn't hear me. I put the music on for them and get out. And I let my pride fall away.
Me: XF..you're right. But I will keep my mouth shut even if I have to tape it shut if you will just visit them more often. I can deal with all of this, except for them being in pain. I know I've told you that I won't beg you to make time for your own children but I take it back. I am BEGGING you. Please XF. Because this is not a one off, they're sad a lot and they act out and I need your help to make this transition easier for them. I am not you and they need you.
Him: i have tried to make time to spend with you and the kids and you chase me out or bitch. I won't keep dealing with that. With your mouth Rain. Im sorry. I won't continue to let you disrespect me.
Me: XF this is NOT about us. It's NOT about me or spending time with me it's about THEM. Please just hang up and do not call back for a while. I need space and I have to get them home. Good bye
3 hours later a Voicemail
-hey hun can you please unblock me?
A few minutes later a text
-babe when are you going to unblock me? Please I hate not being able to call you
Another text.
- Hey love. . I just want you to know that I know you don't think that I think about my kids and what they go through. .. But you couldn't be more wrong. .. That's why no matter how much you fought with me I always tried to be around... Unfortunately you never get to see the other side of it.. Cuz it's not you ...If you don't unblock me that's your choice I won't ask again and I won't bother you again.
Then a few video calls that I ignore because I am angry and nothing good would come from picking up. Finally a text telling me that he is going out tonight in case I call and he doesn't hear his phone.
Huge, gigantic trigger for me as that's what he always said when he was going to take ow out. So what do I say?
Patting myself on the back here.
Me (via text): thanks for letting me know. Please be careful and call a cab to get home if you need to. Have fun.
Nope. I do NOT want him to have fun and Yep I totally think he's out with a woman (a girl). But I can do nothing if he is, so I STFU and did a baby 180. I know that he thought he would get an angry call and text. So I 180ed his butt!
Dayum! This is long. Sorry guys. To be continued...
XF ignored my texts last night about our daughter who had hit her head. Okay back up, he asked how they were as she slipped and slammed her head. After i calmed her down and gave her medicine because the bump came on fast, i answered him.
We sent a couple of texts back and forth. My last one asking him if he had any more baby medicine at his as I just gave her the last of what I had. It was 1 minute after hia last text. No answer. So I called. He ignored me.
This morning he started video calling at 7am. I was asleep. He then started texting at 8am. The usual (especially if he thinks my silence means that Im mad)
-hey love..sorry I fell asleep last night (sure)
-hey baby..call me when you get a chance...hope you and the kids have a great day
-great, you're ignoring me. Very mature. I know you probably dont believe me but I fell asleep
I ignored it all and when I did call I was very upbeat (sounding). Hey XF...sorry, I was busy. But what's up!?
We discussed me going to pick up the money he owed me. He gave me his location etc.
A few more video calls that I missed while getting the kids fed and ready.
A few angry texts about how ridiculous I am to still have him blocked. And asking when we would be there.
Called him as we were headed out. He's angry because I won't be there for his lunch hour. His boss has an attitude with them already. Now I'm going to get him in trouble.
As if. His boss is his friend. And even if he is in a mood. All you'd be doing is walking to my car to hand me something. 30 seconds, If that.
I don't say that though. I say... I'm sorry XF. Had you told me he would be there today, of course I would have hurried the kids and made it there for your break time. I will talk to you later.
All of my responses are 180s. I am quick on the trigger when I know he is lying or when he is spewing blame. Today I gave responses that were the exact opposite
He left me a voicemail again on how he hates being blocked but also where am I. Why is it taking so long etc
I pick up next call and he is angry at 1st. You don't realize how it looks when I walk off the job even for a few minutes. I'm the supervisor and I can't do that. Blah blah. If this was my company it'd be different
Me: I'm sorry XF. I'll be there soon. Maybe next time you can just deposit it into my account. What do you think?
Him: (calmer) no babe. I want you to come. I just don't want go hear his sh!t. Im sorry. I don't want you to feel bad. I know it's not easy getting the kids ready. Just let me know when youre here.
I get lost a few times. He gets angry.
Long story slightly less long...
I get there, finally. He says hi to the kids..kisses them and walks away. They start screaming and calling to him. I start crying.
They have taken this S very hard. He knows it because they are off of their schedule and their appetites are hit and miss.
He has seen how ecstatic they get when he does come by so he knows that they miss him. However this is one of the few times he has heard them cry the way I hear them cry. With a longing in the wails.
I drive away crying and trying to calm them down. He calls.
I tell him to please hang up because I am not okay right now. He asks why? So I tell him.
I'm sad that our children are sad. He says he is sorry but had to return to work. I said its fine to work. They're crying because they rarely see you and they got happy for a minute and then you disappeared.
He starts in blaming me. How he would see them more but I can't control my mouth. All I do is argue and bring up the past and thats why he stays away.
I pull over because I'm crying and can't drive and so that the kids wouldn't hear me. I put the music on for them and get out. And I let my pride fall away.
Me: XF..you're right. But I will keep my mouth shut even if I have to tape it shut if you will just visit them more often. I can deal with all of this, except for them being in pain. I know I've told you that I won't beg you to make time for your own children but I take it back. I am BEGGING you. Please XF. Because this is not a one off, they're sad a lot and they act out and I need your help to make this transition easier for them. I am not you and they need you.
Him: i have tried to make time to spend with you and the kids and you chase me out or bitch. I won't keep dealing with that. With your mouth Rain. Im sorry. I won't continue to let you disrespect me.
Me: XF this is NOT about us. It's NOT about me or spending time with me it's about THEM. Please just hang up and do not call back for a while. I need space and I have to get them home. Good bye
3 hours later a Voicemail
-hey hun can you please unblock me?
A few minutes later a text
-babe when are you going to unblock me? Please I hate not being able to call you
Another text.
- Hey love. . I just want you to know that I know you don't think that I think about my kids and what they go through. .. But you couldn't be more wrong. .. That's why no matter how much you fought with me I always tried to be around... Unfortunately you never get to see the other side of it.. Cuz it's not you ...If you don't unblock me that's your choice I won't ask again and I won't bother you again.
Then a few video calls that I ignore because I am angry and nothing good would come from picking up. Finally a text telling me that he is going out tonight in case I call and he doesn't hear his phone.
Huge, gigantic trigger for me as that's what he always said when he was going to take ow out. So what do I say?
Patting myself on the back here.
Me (via text): thanks for letting me know. Please be careful and call a cab to get home if you need to. Have fun.
Nope. I do NOT want him to have fun and Yep I totally think he's out with a woman (a girl). But I can do nothing if he is, so I STFU and did a baby 180. I know that he thought he would get an angry call and text. So I 180ed his butt!
Dayum! This is long. Sorry guys. To be continued...
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/03/16 11:08 PM
It's late. I just took benadryl. I'm having trouble sleeping thinking about what and who XF is doing.
But it wasn't a constant thought tonight. I helped a friend dealing with issues with her child.
I cooked and did some laundry and watched a few episodes of a funny show.
That's a huge change for me. Before, everything would be on the back burner to better obsess about what he is doing.
Baby steps.
Maybe one day it really won't have any affect on me.
Maybe one day I will be truly detached.
But it wasn't a constant thought tonight. I helped a friend dealing with issues with her child.
I cooked and did some laundry and watched a few episodes of a funny show.
That's a huge change for me. Before, everything would be on the back burner to better obsess about what he is doing.
Baby steps.
Maybe one day it really won't have any affect on me.
Maybe one day I will be truly detached.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 12:17 AM
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Patting myself on the back here.
Me (via text): thanks for letting me know. Please be careful and call a cab to get home if you need to. Have fun.
Nope. I do NOT want him to have fun and Yep I totally think he's out with a woman (a girl). But I can do nothing if he is, so I STFU and did a baby 180. I know that he thought he would get an angry call and text. So I 180ed his butt!
Me (via text): thanks for letting me know. Please be careful and call a cab to get home if you need to. Have fun.
Nope. I do NOT want him to have fun and Yep I totally think he's out with a woman (a girl). But I can do nothing if he is, so I STFU and did a baby 180. I know that he thought he would get an angry call and text. So I 180ed his butt!
Rain, that is not a baby 180. That's HUGE for you!!!! I would have loved to have seen the look on his face when he read that. LOL
BTW....it's nice to meet you Rain the mind reader. I'm sure you know that you don't actually KNOW what he was doing tonight. He could have just stayed at home but was trying to make you jealous. Or, could have gone out with some buddies from work. Or..... Who knows! You just know that he SAID he was going out. That's it.
Sounds like you kept yourself busy and did a pretty good job keeping your mind occupied. Hope you get some sleep soon, you know he's going to start right back up in the morning.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 06:06 AM
Thanks MB. I guess it was a huge 180. And I guess now is the "let's through all of Rains triggers at her" time. Another trigger was him visiting a neighboring city that he has always hated. However when he was cheating suddenly he loved it. The long drive didn't bother him or the high prices.
Guess where he said he might "have to" go this weekend? Yep. To the city he hates, right on the heels of his "boys night". Ugh. Why! I do not want to be tested. This crap is hard. I wish I could have a trigger break. Last night was hard enough. I had to drug myself to fall asleep just not to obsess and I haven't done that in a while.
Guess where he said he might "have to" go this weekend? Yep. To the city he hates, right on the heels of his "boys night". Ugh. Why! I do not want to be tested. This crap is hard. I wish I could have a trigger break. Last night was hard enough. I had to drug myself to fall asleep just not to obsess and I haven't done that in a while.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 06:15 AM
Believe me, I KNOW how you're feeling! I think my H is out of town right now. Not positive, but pretty sure. And, know where he goes when he's out of town? Yep, that's right...straight to OW.
BUT, you don't even know if your XF left his house last night. He could just be trying to get under your skin. He might have been in bed early (ALONE), and you're sitting at your house worrying about him. I also don't know that my H is with OW. I can (and do) think it, but I have no proof. He might be out of town on a job. He does that sometimes. I keep trying to remind myself of that but it sure is hard. You just keep reminding yourself that you don't know what he did last night and you don't know what he's going to be doing this weekend. All you know is that he used a couple of your triggers against you and has you all jumpy. He's probably at work patting hisself on the back right now. Don't give him that power over you. He certainly hasn't earned it.
Just DB the crap out of him when he calls you today. I won't even bother with the "IF he calls" because we all know that he will. LOL. It's your turn to make him sweat! KILL HIM WITH KINDNESS even if it kills you. LOL
BUT, you don't even know if your XF left his house last night. He could just be trying to get under your skin. He might have been in bed early (ALONE), and you're sitting at your house worrying about him. I also don't know that my H is with OW. I can (and do) think it, but I have no proof. He might be out of town on a job. He does that sometimes. I keep trying to remind myself of that but it sure is hard. You just keep reminding yourself that you don't know what he did last night and you don't know what he's going to be doing this weekend. All you know is that he used a couple of your triggers against you and has you all jumpy. He's probably at work patting hisself on the back right now. Don't give him that power over you. He certainly hasn't earned it.
Just DB the crap out of him when he calls you today. I won't even bother with the "IF he calls" because we all know that he will. LOL. It's your turn to make him sweat! KILL HIM WITH KINDNESS even if it kills you. LOL
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 06:20 AM
"BTW....it's nice to meet you Rain the mind reader. I'm sure you know that you don't actually KNOW what he was doing tonight. He could have just stayed at home but was trying to make you jealous. Or, could have gone out with some buddies from work. Or..... Who knows! You just know that he SAID he was going out. That's it."
MB I know no such thing. And mind reading is my side gig. I'm awesome at it! Are you questioning my skills?! LOL
He said it was a boys night with his workers. I will never know if it's true, and he is a chatter box when he goes out and it isn't A related. He tells me everything. What they drank if they played pool or darts. Even what they talked about. This morning? Not a peep mentioned about his night.
Ugh. Like I said I will never know for sure so I am trying not to think about it.
MB I know no such thing. And mind reading is my side gig. I'm awesome at it! Are you questioning my skills?! LOL
He said it was a boys night with his workers. I will never know if it's true, and he is a chatter box when he goes out and it isn't A related. He tells me everything. What they drank if they played pool or darts. Even what they talked about. This morning? Not a peep mentioned about his night.
Ugh. Like I said I will never know for sure so I am trying not to think about it.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 06:30 AM
I hate that I literally begged him yesterday, I feel shamed somehow. But I'm doing my best not to let the feeling overtake me. I can't undo it and I did it for my babies.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 11:17 AM
Rain, why don't you unblock him? It's a step. But not after he went out -- that might seem like you are caving in out of fear. But soon.
Can you get a coaching session? It seems like this is a critical time for you, and you could benefit from that one on one advice.
I would give almost anything for W to contact me like XF is contacting you. I'm still reading that book about listening, and I'm pretty motivated. But I'm still not contacting her... I know she still loves me, and just yesterday she mentioned to a mutual friend that she's created such a mess that we should both leave our town. I don't understand what the mess is and why it requires such a drastic move. And I know she doesn't mean it at the same time. But if I still seem at least in part like a safe haven, that's something.
Can you get a coaching session? It seems like this is a critical time for you, and you could benefit from that one on one advice.
I would give almost anything for W to contact me like XF is contacting you. I'm still reading that book about listening, and I'm pretty motivated. But I'm still not contacting her... I know she still loves me, and just yesterday she mentioned to a mutual friend that she's created such a mess that we should both leave our town. I don't understand what the mess is and why it requires such a drastic move. And I know she doesn't mean it at the same time. But if I still seem at least in part like a safe haven, that's something.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 11:58 AM
Yay Rain! Those are some awesome 180's!
I agree with NYGal...why not just unblock him? He is contacting you anyway, so except for the fun of being spiteful (lol), there really isn't a reason not to. Seems like it would be much easier to deal with texts than video calls, anyway.
Don't feel ashamed about begging him to see the kids. It's not like you begged him to come back to you. You are just a good mother who doesn't want to see her babies hurting. There is certainly no shame in that.
And as difficult as it is, try not to think about who/what he's doing when he says he's out. Like MB said, he could just be making it up to get under your skin. Just from reading your posts, it DOES sound to me like he does stuff like that deliberately trying to trigger a reaction from you. Don't borrow trouble.
I agree with NYGal...why not just unblock him? He is contacting you anyway, so except for the fun of being spiteful (lol), there really isn't a reason not to. Seems like it would be much easier to deal with texts than video calls, anyway.
Don't feel ashamed about begging him to see the kids. It's not like you begged him to come back to you. You are just a good mother who doesn't want to see her babies hurting. There is certainly no shame in that.
And as difficult as it is, try not to think about who/what he's doing when he says he's out. Like MB said, he could just be making it up to get under your skin. Just from reading your posts, it DOES sound to me like he does stuff like that deliberately trying to trigger a reaction from you. Don't borrow trouble.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 12:13 PM
Hey NYGal..how are you holding up? Seriously...are you okay?
And thanks, you guys are right. I won't do it today, like you suggested. I don't want him to think he can scare me into getting his way the way he used to guilt me.
I can't afford a DB coach. I did call to ask the pricing a couple of weeks back. Sure would be nice though.
As for W, it seems as if, in her mind, the fallout may be too much to handle if you R and stayed. But that day isn't here yet. Plus she's confused. She may decide its doable to stay when the time comes.
And I think she loves you. We all do.
And thanks, you guys are right. I won't do it today, like you suggested. I don't want him to think he can scare me into getting his way the way he used to guilt me.
I can't afford a DB coach. I did call to ask the pricing a couple of weeks back. Sure would be nice though.
As for W, it seems as if, in her mind, the fallout may be too much to handle if you R and stayed. But that day isn't here yet. Plus she's confused. She may decide its doable to stay when the time comes.
And I think she loves you. We all do.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 12:25 PM
Anna,
Me? Spiteful? Never! LOL
If he would actually get rid of the stupid video app then unblocking him would be easier. Funny how because he was going out last night, he told me he was getting rid of it, then used it to call me this morning. I wouldn't have called him on it anyway, so not sure what that was about.
And he is still able to text me. I only have his calls blocked.
He sent me a whole bunch of things yesterday while he was out until I finally said...go have fun. And of course I had to add that since the kids never got down for a nap they were going to bed by 9 and I would have the night to myself too and that I hope we both enjoyed our night.
He was not to happy and has been asking me since this morning what I did last night and why I am so tired. Vague baby!
Though I do hate the game part of it all, I'm trying to have fun with it.
Today he admitted he was using the app to text someone but swears he stopped and isn't anymore. Then he asked me a few times who else I use the app for. I skirted the question. I don't believe him in the least. Sorry, I just don't.
I am quite tired. The benadryl helped me sleep but left me tired too.
I will post the crazy from when he was out. Anyone that wasn't on these boards would have thought XF had a major breakthrough and was "coming home". Thankfully I know better now.
Glad to know your sitch is still on the upswing.
Me? Spiteful? Never! LOL
If he would actually get rid of the stupid video app then unblocking him would be easier. Funny how because he was going out last night, he told me he was getting rid of it, then used it to call me this morning. I wouldn't have called him on it anyway, so not sure what that was about.
And he is still able to text me. I only have his calls blocked.
He sent me a whole bunch of things yesterday while he was out until I finally said...go have fun. And of course I had to add that since the kids never got down for a nap they were going to bed by 9 and I would have the night to myself too and that I hope we both enjoyed our night.
He was not to happy and has been asking me since this morning what I did last night and why I am so tired. Vague baby!
Though I do hate the game part of it all, I'm trying to have fun with it.
Today he admitted he was using the app to text someone but swears he stopped and isn't anymore. Then he asked me a few times who else I use the app for. I skirted the question. I don't believe him in the least. Sorry, I just don't.
I am quite tired. The benadryl helped me sleep but left me tired too.
I will post the crazy from when he was out. Anyone that wasn't on these boards would have thought XF had a major breakthrough and was "coming home". Thankfully I know better now.
Glad to know your sitch is still on the upswing.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 12:31 PM
I'm going to try and get in an hour nap while the kids are down. I'll have to post the crazy later. Also, he is supposed to be coming here after work to see the kids. Anyone know where they sell STFU tape for my mouth? LOL
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 12:59 PM
Isn't it funny how they freak out wondering what you're doing when they are guilty of all that themselves? lol
My H called me last night and the first thing out of his mouth after I said hello was to ask me what I was doing because I "sounded funny." I guess there is some way to say hello that indicates you are being freaky with some other dude while your children sleep in the bedroom 50 ft away from you.
I was like...umm...I'm laying in bed in my pajamas looking at FB on my phone. lol
My H called me last night and the first thing out of his mouth after I said hello was to ask me what I was doing because I "sounded funny." I guess there is some way to say hello that indicates you are being freaky with some other dude while your children sleep in the bedroom 50 ft away from you.
I was like...umm...I'm laying in bed in my pajamas looking at FB on my phone. lol
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 02:27 PM
Originally Posted By: annab74
Isn't it funny how they freak out wondering what you're doing when they are guilty of all that themselves? lol
My H called me last night and the first thing out of his mouth after I said hello was to ask me what I was doing because I "sounded funny." I guess there is some way to say hello that indicates you are being freaky with some other dude while your children sleep in the bedroom 50 ft away from you.
I was like...umm...I'm laying in bed in my pajamas looking at FB on my phone. lol
My H called me last night and the first thing out of his mouth after I said hello was to ask me what I was doing because I "sounded funny." I guess there is some way to say hello that indicates you are being freaky with some other dude while your children sleep in the bedroom 50 ft away from you.
I was like...umm...I'm laying in bed in my pajamas looking at FB on my phone. lol
Omg Anna I am laughing up a storm here! I have to wonder the difference in your voice that lets H "know" you're getting freaky!!!
Hmmmmm Anna.
And Yep!
They do seem to be hypocrites when it comes to that don't they? However if we asked them those same questions...oh boy. Watch out. Mine would say that he isn't my child. And that he wasn't doing anything. And that this constant questioning is why he XYZ. Lol
Meanwhile he asks me questions all the time. Over and over. But that's completely acceptable even though he had the A.
So fair. Ugh.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 03:53 PM
Dang it. He came early. The crazy will have to wait again. Grrrr
So far so good. And It's been a WHOLE 10 minutes y'all!
Go Rain! Go Rain!
Wish me luck
So far so good. And It's been a WHOLE 10 minutes y'all!
Go Rain! Go Rain!
Wish me luck
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 04:09 PM
You can do this!! Drink that STFU smoothie!!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 05:50 PM
Anna! He is on his phone and we know that's my biggest trigger. But I keep thinking about my babies. Woo-sah Rain. I keep just walking away and getting busy...dinner...Laundry. So that I don't "pull a Rain" about his phone.
He keeps asking me what's wrong. Are you okay. Blah friggin blah.
Me: with a smile...nothing....yeah I'm good thanks.
I am not strong enough for this.
He keeps asking me what's wrong. Are you okay. Blah friggin blah.
Me: with a smile...nothing....yeah I'm good thanks.
I am not strong enough for this.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 08:38 PM
Yes you are! You've got this! We believe in you!!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/04/16 11:47 PM
Originally Posted By: annab74
My H called me last night and the first thing out of his mouth after I said hello was to ask me what I was doing because I "sounded funny."
OMG....are you married to MY H? He did that to me all the time! I would ansewr and instead of hello, I would hear "Why do you sound out of breath?" Uhhh......???? Just sitting on the couch watching Dr Phi. Pretty sure he doesn't get me out of breath! Or, I would get the "......because you sound funny" or "it doesn't sound like that's where you are." Come to find out, HE was the one that wasn't where HE was supposed to be! I
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 12:23 AM
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Anna! He is on his phone and we know that's my biggest trigger. But I keep thinking about my babies. Woo-sah Rain. I keep just walking away and getting busy...dinner...Laundry. So that I don't "pull a Rain" about his phone.
I am not strong enough for this.
I am not strong enough for this.
Rain, you are ABSOLUTELY strong enough for whatever he throws at you!!! You're strong enough for you, and you're especially strong enough for those babies! You don't give yourself nearly enough credit for the strength that you've already shown....
Your XF was telling you that he loves you and wants to be with you, and instead of running into his arms (like I did!), you kept your wits about yourself and these beautiful words came out of your mouth. Read them, then don't tell me that you're not strong again.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Me: that sounds nice XF it really does but...
Me: XF I'm sorry. What you're offering is just not enough. You will cheat again. But it won't be on me.
Me: thanks for letting me know. Please be careful and call a cab to get home if you need to. Have fun.
Me: XF I'm sorry. What you're offering is just not enough. You will cheat again. But it won't be on me.
Me: thanks for letting me know. Please be careful and call a cab to get home if you need to. Have fun.
That last one was a different conversation, but it was so perfect that I had to include it.
You are very strong and determined. You know what you need to do, and you're doing it. Stop doubting yourself. You've grown a lot and are getting stronger by the day. We all still falter and make mistakes, the important thing is to get right back at it when you realize that you've messed up. You've definitely got this!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 04:52 AM
Originally Posted By: - MB -
Originally Posted By: annab74
My H called me last night and the first thing out of his mouth after I said hello was to ask me what I was doing because I "sounded funny."
OMG....are you married to MY H? He did that to me all the time! I would ansewr and instead of hello, I would hear "Why do you sound out of breath?" Uhhh......???? Just sitting on the couch watching Dr Phi. Pretty sure he doesn't get me out of breath! Or, I would get the "......because you sound funny" or "it doesn't sound like that's where you are." Come to find out, HE was the one that wasn't where HE was supposed to be! I
This ^^^^^^^^ just proves they all have the same script. Lol
Stupid script writer...stop handing out those scripts!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 05:26 AM
MB...I'm glad that everything went well.
And if you guys would have known me during the PA and the EA I was a blubbering mess. This time I'm better. That is absolutely true. But saying NO to him was not strength it was fear. I'm petrified of going through that again, so I said no. Cause let's be real...it was a sh!t "offer".
And I have been able to grow and be better and stronger via text and phone for the most part. And I just started the 180s. But again during calls and via text.
In person is a whole 'nother ball game. I didn't cry this time though like I did before over his being on his phone.
Last night he finally put his affair box aka phone, down.
And my kids were over the moon. He played with them and sat with them. We ate dinner with them and watched a movie with them too. He even helped me put them to bed. It was almost like before. Almost.
I'm proud that I kept walking away and STFU. My babies are worth it and they loved seeing him.
And after he put his phone down he wanted me to watch a new show he's been watching.
Then when I said it was getting late he started talking. A lot. LOL. Stories I've heard a hundred times before of his school days. About his parents. His escapades with his best friend.
Everytime I got up it was "where are you going".
We had a nice time. No arguing. He asked to sleep over. I said okay but on the couch. He laughed and said thats fine.
And then....
I went to my room and looked at my phone and I had 2 blocked calls. Omg. Flashback to his A big time!
I walked out and showed him. He said I don't know who that is. I haven't talked to her (ow).
It irked me that he automatically went there. Ow has called numerous times since she BDed and never blocked. She only called blocked before BD. And I never ever get blocked calls and they came in a little after midnight.
He again said he has no clue.
I went to bed sad. He knocked on my door and came in. He said he was sorry but he hasn't spoken to ow and "no one i know has your number". But he assumes no one will go through hia phone and if he isn't with me he takes his phone code off.( and no one he knows=the new girls he swears he hasn't met up with).
I said I feel like we can never spend time together without things like this happening but okay and then said I have to get some sleep.
He said "don't say that babe i swear I'm not doing anything". I just said. Okay XF good night.
I cried myself to sleep.
Oh during the night he also asked me again who I am using that blasted app with. He admitted he got it to talk to some of those girls but has stopped. Nope. Don't believe him. And I got a little snarky here and said "well I guess we both use it for our new friends" lol
Also he made it a point to tell me he probably couldn't make it here Friday or Saturday night. Shocked...not!
And if you guys would have known me during the PA and the EA I was a blubbering mess. This time I'm better. That is absolutely true. But saying NO to him was not strength it was fear. I'm petrified of going through that again, so I said no. Cause let's be real...it was a sh!t "offer".
And I have been able to grow and be better and stronger via text and phone for the most part. And I just started the 180s. But again during calls and via text.
In person is a whole 'nother ball game. I didn't cry this time though like I did before over his being on his phone.
Last night he finally put his affair box aka phone, down.
And my kids were over the moon. He played with them and sat with them. We ate dinner with them and watched a movie with them too. He even helped me put them to bed. It was almost like before. Almost.
I'm proud that I kept walking away and STFU. My babies are worth it and they loved seeing him.
And after he put his phone down he wanted me to watch a new show he's been watching.
Then when I said it was getting late he started talking. A lot. LOL. Stories I've heard a hundred times before of his school days. About his parents. His escapades with his best friend.
Everytime I got up it was "where are you going".
We had a nice time. No arguing. He asked to sleep over. I said okay but on the couch. He laughed and said thats fine.
And then....
I went to my room and looked at my phone and I had 2 blocked calls. Omg. Flashback to his A big time!
I walked out and showed him. He said I don't know who that is. I haven't talked to her (ow).
It irked me that he automatically went there. Ow has called numerous times since she BDed and never blocked. She only called blocked before BD. And I never ever get blocked calls and they came in a little after midnight.
He again said he has no clue.
I went to bed sad. He knocked on my door and came in. He said he was sorry but he hasn't spoken to ow and "no one i know has your number". But he assumes no one will go through hia phone and if he isn't with me he takes his phone code off.( and no one he knows=the new girls he swears he hasn't met up with).
I said I feel like we can never spend time together without things like this happening but okay and then said I have to get some sleep.
He said "don't say that babe i swear I'm not doing anything". I just said. Okay XF good night.
I cried myself to sleep.
Oh during the night he also asked me again who I am using that blasted app with. He admitted he got it to talk to some of those girls but has stopped. Nope. Don't believe him. And I got a little snarky here and said "well I guess we both use it for our new friends" lol
Also he made it a point to tell me he probably couldn't make it here Friday or Saturday night. Shocked...not!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 06:14 AM
Originally Posted By: annab74
Yes you are! You've got this! We believe in you!!
Aww shucks guys! *looks down and kicks pebble*
I had a couple of slip ups. Probably shouldn't have shown him the calls or made the remark about new friends. But overall better, much better.
Thanks for believing in me.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 08:53 AM
And this is why I hold no illusions right now. Texts and activity from XF
-i had a great time with you and the kids last night. Thank you
5 minutes later a text meant for someone else
-how much? Price.
-he's on the app (yes I checked after that text asking price)
Zero expectations no matter how many times he swears he has stopped.
Have a great day everyone.
-i had a great time with you and the kids last night. Thank you
5 minutes later a text meant for someone else
-how much? Price.
-he's on the app (yes I checked after that text asking price)
Zero expectations no matter how many times he swears he has stopped.
Have a great day everyone.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 10:21 AM
Hi Rain. I found out last night that W's lies about me are spreading all over town. "All over" meaning a friend who I didn't even know had mutual friends with us has heard how much money I allegedly have in the bank (if I had that much I'd be happy -- maybe I should do a recount?) And other lies about why I'm such an unreasonable person. And this same friend is hearing about at least one W and ow sighting: in a whispering tete a tete in a coffee shop. So much for her needing time alone, huh?
I know, the friend shouldn't have told me, but she did. And she has good reason to hate W so I shouldn't be surprised.
Sometimes you just don't care anymore if it's good DBing or not. So I texted W saying I'm now hearing what she's been spreading about me and about us, and that I'm so disappointed. Should have said disgusted. She tried to call me nine times that I know of. (I blocked her for awhile, taking a page out of your playbook.) Then she texted and said she only told a couple of therapists and 2 or 3 "very close friends". (She's just trying to cover her a$$.)So I texted back, "Well, the close friends are telling other close friends and I'm hearing all about it now from the unlikeliest of people... You don't do anything or go anywhere without it spreading like wildfire." She texted twice asking me to call her. Then she added that she also told some attorneys about how much money I have.
The thing is, as I've said before, she's a big &*%$ing deal in this town, and her B.S. spreads quickly. People do love to gossip about her, and now I'm a part of it too.
Her three voice messages only asked me to call. I have not called. Again, you reach a point where it hardly matters anymore, don't you? This may set me back in terms of my goal to be with her, but right now I'm not sure I even want to. That's progress.
I'm scared about how I'll feel when this shock wears off. And please, people, don't tell me I shouldn't have contacted her. I know that. I'm tired of being the oh-so-reasonable little mouse woman she'd be a fool to leave. She's just a fool.
I know, the friend shouldn't have told me, but she did. And she has good reason to hate W so I shouldn't be surprised.
Sometimes you just don't care anymore if it's good DBing or not. So I texted W saying I'm now hearing what she's been spreading about me and about us, and that I'm so disappointed. Should have said disgusted. She tried to call me nine times that I know of. (I blocked her for awhile, taking a page out of your playbook.) Then she texted and said she only told a couple of therapists and 2 or 3 "very close friends". (She's just trying to cover her a$$.)So I texted back, "Well, the close friends are telling other close friends and I'm hearing all about it now from the unlikeliest of people... You don't do anything or go anywhere without it spreading like wildfire." She texted twice asking me to call her. Then she added that she also told some attorneys about how much money I have.
The thing is, as I've said before, she's a big &*%$ing deal in this town, and her B.S. spreads quickly. People do love to gossip about her, and now I'm a part of it too.
Her three voice messages only asked me to call. I have not called. Again, you reach a point where it hardly matters anymore, don't you? This may set me back in terms of my goal to be with her, but right now I'm not sure I even want to. That's progress.
I'm scared about how I'll feel when this shock wears off. And please, people, don't tell me I shouldn't have contacted her. I know that. I'm tired of being the oh-so-reasonable little mouse woman she'd be a fool to leave. She's just a fool.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 11:32 AM
NYGal. I was thinking what the F!....reading your post. I'm sorry NYG. The demonizing us and lying hurts like hell doesn't it?
A few close friends. Wow. Sweetie you're pissed and disgusted and you have every right. But sadly, they ALL do that, all of them. It's that damn handbook. If they don't paint us as money hungry and unreasonable (or mean and unsupportive) it would put them in an uncomfortable position when people are asking them why and looking at them like if they're crazy. They even convince themselves to an extent.
I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't have called. I have a feeling that will be taken care of.
I will say this...in her I miss NYGal moments when she says she has to leave town or that if you R you would both have to leave town I guess this is what she is talking about. When she says she's made a mess of things and cant come back from it.
Remember, you found out just now but she's the one doing it so she's known exactly what she's meant all along.
As for ow. It hurts. I get it. I've dealt with an ow for over 2 years. And now these girls. But there is nothing to be done. On that, MWD and everyone here is dead on. Cheaters lie, that's pretty clear.
She's scared of you not being there if and when she is done with ow so she tells you she wants to be alone. From my own experience with ow and now these girls I can say that I wish with ow I would have left him and let that A fizzle faster instead of what I did. Girls too. Should have told him I knew once and let it slide instead of what i did. Whenever we pressure them about their (admittedly horrifying for us) choices they rebel and want it more.
And can I just say LOL. " I blocked her for a while taking a page out of your playbook". But NYG don't EVER take a page out of my playbook. I am a hot mess that takes 1 step forward and 5 back.
Sounds like W was acting very XF and semi stalking you via calls and texts.
And you may have finally gotten to the anger stage. Anger makes me stronger, but only for days at a time, usually after a talk or a revelation.
So what is your plan going forward?
We're here for you NYGal.
A few close friends. Wow. Sweetie you're pissed and disgusted and you have every right. But sadly, they ALL do that, all of them. It's that damn handbook. If they don't paint us as money hungry and unreasonable (or mean and unsupportive) it would put them in an uncomfortable position when people are asking them why and looking at them like if they're crazy. They even convince themselves to an extent.
I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't have called. I have a feeling that will be taken care of.
I will say this...in her I miss NYGal moments when she says she has to leave town or that if you R you would both have to leave town I guess this is what she is talking about. When she says she's made a mess of things and cant come back from it.
Remember, you found out just now but she's the one doing it so she's known exactly what she's meant all along.
As for ow. It hurts. I get it. I've dealt with an ow for over 2 years. And now these girls. But there is nothing to be done. On that, MWD and everyone here is dead on. Cheaters lie, that's pretty clear.
She's scared of you not being there if and when she is done with ow so she tells you she wants to be alone. From my own experience with ow and now these girls I can say that I wish with ow I would have left him and let that A fizzle faster instead of what I did. Girls too. Should have told him I knew once and let it slide instead of what i did. Whenever we pressure them about their (admittedly horrifying for us) choices they rebel and want it more.
And can I just say LOL. " I blocked her for a while taking a page out of your playbook". But NYG don't EVER take a page out of my playbook. I am a hot mess that takes 1 step forward and 5 back.
Sounds like W was acting very XF and semi stalking you via calls and texts.
And you may have finally gotten to the anger stage. Anger makes me stronger, but only for days at a time, usually after a talk or a revelation.
So what is your plan going forward?
We're here for you NYGal.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 11:35 AM
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Anger makes me stronger, but only for days at a time, usually after a talk or a revelation.
How will you USE your anger? Thats really the key. Anger is natural, and it will come.
If you use it to lash out and destroy, thats not helpful. But if you can harness it to push you forward, then that IS helpful.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 11:58 AM
Thanks Azzork. You're right. And I have only used it to lash out since BD. It's only been the last few days that I haven't, except in my mind. That's just the truth. I have been a very slow student. But I am still plugging along.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 05:44 PM
He just alluded to having met someone. Not cam girls...not xow...someone new. I thought I was ready to hear that. I'm wasn't. I'm not ready but it's out there.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 05:56 PM
Originally Posted By: Rain75
And can I just say LOL. " I blocked her for a while taking a page out of your playbook". But NYG don't EVER take a page out of my playbook. I am a hot mess that takes 1 step forward and 5 back.
....I have been a very slow student. But I am still plugging along.
....I have been a very slow student. But I am still plugging along.
You are NOT a slow student, just a stubborn one.
. I think you're miscounted get your steps. I think it's more like 5 forward and 3 back. You make great strides, then get nervous and step back a bit. But, all in all you're still moving forward not backward. Lighten up on yourself, you're going through an emotionally devastating time right now. No one can be expected to be there very best during this time. You're doing what you need to though and will eventually be happy one way or another. Patience my dear Rain. And, before you say it, I KNOW that you're struggling almost as much with patience as I am. LOL
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 06:02 PM
NYGal, I am so sorry that you seem to have hit a rough patch here lately. I know you will get through it soon though. I tend to agree with Rain on this one...they ALL lie about their spouses. ALL of them do. It would be crazy if your W didn't do this. They have to because it makes it look like they had a reason for leaving you. And, they have to have a reason or they would look like the bad guy. It's just about appearances in everyone else's eyes and your Ws desire not to look like the bad guy to them. I'm sure my H did the same thing. I have NO IDEA what he told ow, but I'm sure it was some lie to make himself look better. After H pulled the rug out from me the second time I asked him what he had just old her. He wouldn't tell me, he just said "Just what she needed to know." Well, you know what? She didn't need to know ANYTHING!!!!!
Anyway, just remember that this has nothing to do with YOU. It's just about her trying not to look like a complete idiot for leaving you. Keep your head up, this will all eventually pass.
Anyway, just remember that this has nothing to do with YOU. It's just about her trying not to look like a complete idiot for leaving you. Keep your head up, this will all eventually pass.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 06:31 PM
Quote:
You are NOT a slow student, just a stubborn one.
. I think you're miscounted get your steps. I think it's more like 5 forward and 3 back. You make great strides, then get nervous and step back a bit. But, all in all you're still moving forward not backward. Lighten up on yourself, you're going through an emotionally devastating time right now. No one can be expected to be there very best during this time. You're doing what you need to though and will eventually be happy one way or another. Patience my dear Rain. And, before you say it, I KNOW that you're struggling almost as much with patience as I am. LOLVery stubborn. Yes sir. That's me.
I did not cry even though it temporarily felt like a knife in my heart when he did the alluding. That's huge. And I also didn't say anything. Ive been here before. Nothing I say or do will stop the train wreck if it's true. So bam...two 180s!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 07:16 PM
Originally Posted By: Rain75
He just alluded to having met someone. Not cam girls...not xow...someone new. I thought I was ready to hear that. I'm wasn't. I'm not ready but it's out there.
I call b.s. He's just trying to get at you. If he really met someone else that he was involved with, why was he sending texts yesterday asking for prices?
Be strong, Rain. He's fishing for a reaction.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 08:00 PM
Worst fishing expedition EVER!!
Cause he got nothing from me. I pretended that I didn't even hear him. I did some small talk for another minute and told him to enjoy his night.
Then I of course ran on here to post. But hey, he doesn't know that.
Cause he got nothing from me. I pretended that I didn't even hear him. I did some small talk for another minute and told him to enjoy his night.
Then I of course ran on here to post. But hey, he doesn't know that.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 08:08 PM
Originally Posted By: Rain75
He just alluded to having met someone. Not cam girls...not xow...someone new. I thought I was ready to hear that. I'm wasn't. I'm not ready but it's out there.
I guess we were posting at the same time and I somehow missed seeing this post.
What an A$$hole! I'm ready to come to wherever in the world you live and tell you XF exactly what I think of him! I know you love him and all that, but he's really about to grate on my very last nerve!
Glad I got that out....
So,, what exactly did he say? Do you think he's just trying to make you jealous? Perhaps getting back at you for making him think you're talking to other "friends" on your video chatting app? Remember one of the main DB rules......BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY!
(((((Rain))))). I'm sorry that he just keeps throwing things at you every stinking day. Eventually he will push you too far and he won't be able to reach you when he decides to come back. He's an idiot and you deserve SOOOOOOOOOO much better than anything he seems to have to offer you at the moment.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 08:13 PM
Originally Posted By: annab74
I call b.s. He's just trying to get at you. If he really met someone else that he was involved with, why was he sending texts yesterday asking for prices?
Be strong, Rain. He's fishing for a reaction.
Be strong, Rain. He's fishing for a reaction.
I agree with Anna. And, even more than the "prices," what happens when our idiots find a new ow? Yep, they drop us like a hot potato because at that moment, they need nothing from us. He has done the OPPOSITE of drop you like a hot potato! If he had a new interest, you wouldn't hear a word from him because he would be completely gone to you. Completely dark. Kind of like my H! He is actively involved with ow, and in return, wants NOTHING to do with me. Would rather do anything other than have to talk to me or look at my face.
I'm sad just writing that because I know how true it is.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 08:17 PM
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Then I of course ran on here to post. But hey, he doesn't know that.
See, I told you that you're not a slow learner! That was perfect! He does NOT need to know that he's getting to you. That's what WE are here for! You be strong when dealing with XF, then come here and let your true feelings out. We will always be here to cheer you on, be your backbone when you need one, hand you a box of tissues, cry with you, share your joys, encourage you.....or whatever you need! You did an awesome job!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/05/16 09:56 PM
He definitely hasn't met anyone. He's trying to make you jealous, that's all. Don't give it a second thought. He needs some serious counseling to get off this train wreck.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 06:09 AM
I can't believe this..I was so happy last night when I saw that all of us were online at the same time and what do I do? I fall a-freakin-sleep! Ugh
Shame on me.
Thanks guys. Maybe it isn't true. I have no idea. With XF you never know and that's just how it is.
And NYG...he really does need counseling. And I can't be with him now even if he wanted me too. His mentality on cheating is scary. He knows its wrong and that he hurt me and that it (his words) cost him everything, however, we had a calm talk and he said ow and cam girls made him feel good when I didn't. He was quite serious. As if that makes it okay.
I won't live a life walking on eggshells. I'm human..there will be disagreements and if he decides I'm not making him feel a certain way at any given time then he will seek it elsewhere. He said "that's not necessarily true". And I say with our recent history thats such a huge possibility and I want none of that. I paid my A dues. Enough is enough.
Is he just trying to get me over to the dark side? Possible. Because then he can have one of those Rs where he loves me and has his family and "takes care of home" plus he gets to dip his stick on occasion. Well, he can have it, but not with me. I stupidly did it once trying to "stand by my man". Not again.
Shame on me.
Thanks guys. Maybe it isn't true. I have no idea. With XF you never know and that's just how it is.
And NYG...he really does need counseling. And I can't be with him now even if he wanted me too. His mentality on cheating is scary. He knows its wrong and that he hurt me and that it (his words) cost him everything, however, we had a calm talk and he said ow and cam girls made him feel good when I didn't. He was quite serious. As if that makes it okay.
I won't live a life walking on eggshells. I'm human..there will be disagreements and if he decides I'm not making him feel a certain way at any given time then he will seek it elsewhere. He said "that's not necessarily true". And I say with our recent history thats such a huge possibility and I want none of that. I paid my A dues. Enough is enough.
Is he just trying to get me over to the dark side? Possible. Because then he can have one of those Rs where he loves me and has his family and "takes care of home" plus he gets to dip his stick on occasion. Well, he can have it, but not with me. I stupidly did it once trying to "stand by my man". Not again.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 06:22 AM
I dont believe him..I think it was because you were alittle sassy(not in a bad way) when you said the video app was for both of your new friends. I think it made him really wonder what you have it for and it got to him.
I think your response to ignore him and keep talking was PERFECT and I KNOW that must have been hard! Good job!
I think your response to ignore him and keep talking was PERFECT and I KNOW that must have been hard! Good job!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 06:32 AM
Originally Posted By: Rednail
I dont believe him..I think it was because you were alittle sassy(not in a bad way) when you said the video app was for both of your new friends. I think it made him really wonder what you have it for and it got to him.
I think your response to ignore him and keep talking was PERFECT and I KNOW that must have been hard! Good job!
I think your response to ignore him and keep talking was PERFECT and I KNOW that must have been hard! Good job!
Hi Rednail!..funny you stopped by, I was reading your thread a couple of days ago and I laughed with your explanation of your conversation with H while folding laundry and the "old me" way you would have answered him.
As for my XF, all of the scenarios you all have put out there may be true. But who knows he's an enigma that one.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 06:49 AM
Hahahaha I finally learned the art of STFU after 24 years. I still struggle with sometimes but I'm 80% better then usual.
Men are confusing. Have you read the book men are from mars, women are from venus? Im reading it now and it is pretty spot on in how I will see something vs how he would see something. If you type men are from mars, women are from venus pdf into google the first link that is like annukusayang.com/ blah blah well if you click it the pdf pops open right on your phone to read for free if you have adobe acrabat.
Men are confusing. Have you read the book men are from mars, women are from venus? Im reading it now and it is pretty spot on in how I will see something vs how he would see something. If you type men are from mars, women are from venus pdf into google the first link that is like annukusayang.com/ blah blah well if you click it the pdf pops open right on your phone to read for free if you have adobe acrabat.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 07:20 AM
Okay so I can finally post the crazy. The crazy that I believe was meant to make me question my decision to not accept his offer. So this is from the night he went out and I told him to call a cab if he needs to and to have fun. He initially just replied "thank you".
About a half hour later I get this...
-You know it [censored] that I can't even call you .. Hope you enjoy your night love .. I wish things were different... I am sorry for all that I have done... I hope tomorrow when I go over that we can have a good time together..All of us .. I love you and always will ...
Then 2 pictures. One of us with the kids when our youngest were about a month old..the other from when first got together.
I text him..."Xf! Aren't you out? Hun it's a little rude to be texting. But love and sex have never been our problems. Have a great night.
Him: I hope something I said got through to you ..(<<<<really!!!)
Him: Yeah I am and the guys are telling me to get off my phone
Me: XF I was so in love with you in that pic! And time flies. They were so tiny (kids pic)
Me: lol then maybe you should
Him: I'm sorry for all I have done... I'm just thinking about how upset my kids were..Hope you and the kids enjoy. . I will be there tomorrow right after work ...
Me: Have fun, and okay, see you tomorrow...the kids never napped so they're going to sleep now. Then it's my night i hope we both enjoy our nights.
Him: It would be nice if you would just lay next to me tomorrow
Him: I can't wait to spend time with them and see you
Him: I hope that we can have a good time together tomorrow.
Me: Hun...go! Have fun.
Him: Ok these guys are trying to take my phone away .. I let you know when I get home. .I love you. .
Me: Be safe
He seemed to miss us and be in touch with his feelings. Thinking about me when he was out drinking. Awww. Then the next day he says some crazy crap. No expectations. No expectations etc
About a half hour later I get this...
-You know it [censored] that I can't even call you .. Hope you enjoy your night love .. I wish things were different... I am sorry for all that I have done... I hope tomorrow when I go over that we can have a good time together..All of us .. I love you and always will ...
Then 2 pictures. One of us with the kids when our youngest were about a month old..the other from when first got together.
I text him..."Xf! Aren't you out? Hun it's a little rude to be texting. But love and sex have never been our problems. Have a great night.
Him: I hope something I said got through to you ..(<<<<really!!!)
Him: Yeah I am and the guys are telling me to get off my phone
Me: XF I was so in love with you in that pic! And time flies. They were so tiny
(kids pic)Me: lol then maybe you should
Him: I'm sorry for all I have done... I'm just thinking about how upset my kids were..Hope you and the kids enjoy. . I will be there tomorrow right after work ...
Me: Have fun, and okay, see you tomorrow...the kids never napped so they're going to sleep now. Then it's my night
i hope we both enjoy our nights.Him: It would be nice if you would just lay next to me tomorrow
Him: I can't wait to spend time with them and see you
Him: I hope that we can have a good time together tomorrow.
Me: Hun...go! Have fun.
Him: Ok these guys are trying to take my phone away .. I let you know when I get home. .I love you. .
Me: Be safe
He seemed to miss us and be in touch with his feelings. Thinking about me when he was out drinking. Awww. Then the next day he says some crazy crap. No expectations. No expectations etc
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 09:38 AM
Originally Posted By: Rednail
Hahahaha I finally learned the art of STFU after 24 years. I still struggle with sometimes but I'm 80% better then usual.
Men are confusing. Have you read the book men are from mars, women are from venus? Im reading it now and it is pretty spot on in how I will see something vs how he would see something. If you type men are from mars, women are from venus pdf into google the first link that is like annukusayang.com/ blah blah well if you click it the pdf pops open right on your phone to read for free if you have adobe acrabat.
Men are confusing. Have you read the book men are from mars, women are from venus? Im reading it now and it is pretty spot on in how I will see something vs how he would see something. If you type men are from mars, women are from venus pdf into google the first link that is like annukusayang.com/ blah blah well if you click it the pdf pops open right on your phone to read for free if you have adobe acrabat.
No, actually, I haven't. I have so many books to get through but I'll add it to the list. Thanks. And who knew?! STFU could help us and reduce the tension with our SO...oh right...every vet here that tries to get it across to all newbies. LOL
And another bonus is that even if you aren't detached (Im not...yet) it gives the illusion that you are.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 09:49 AM
It looks like a good step in the right direction. Just make sure that you don't jumping too easily, he needs to work harder to get you.
I envy you as I wish STBXH would send me such messages, and I know it'll never happen because he is with OW and has moved on. Now my turn to do the same.
I envy you as I wish STBXH would send me such messages, and I know it'll never happen because he is with OW and has moved on. Now my turn to do the same.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 10:08 AM
Originally Posted By: Rouky
It looks like a good step in the right direction. Just make sure that you don't jumping too easily, he needs to work harder to get you.
I envy you as I wish STBXH would send me such messages, and I know it'll never happen because he is with OW and has moved on. Now my turn to do the same.
I envy you as I wish STBXH would send me such messages, and I know it'll never happen because he is with OW and has moved on. Now my turn to do the same.
I'm sorry Rouky....if it helps at all XF was very cold, very detached, very uncaring during his A. That fog is amazing. This is on many levels normal (how sweet and loving he always was before A) and shocking, because like I said, It's the complete opposite of who he had been during A. And it leaves me confused but no worries, I've no intention of being with him. He can't give me what I want and need right now. (ever?) not sure.
The ow excitement and A fog does fall away if my sitch is any indicator. I was told heart breaking things during. He loved ow and wanted to marry her. Loved me as his children's mother only. He only felt happy when he was around ow and depressed being around me, he wanted me to date and leave him alone and many more. Writing that I can't even believe I stayed.
Stay Strong Rouky.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 12:41 PM
I need some 180s that are not XF related. And to write down my short term and long term life goals. And then figure out what steps I need to do to accomplish them.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 12:46 PM
Rain, I don't quite understand. I know your XF isn't the same now, and I also know that you being aloof is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your R. You have good boundaries, I guess. It's ironic because it seems that our best chance of reconciling is to not care anymore. That's so bizarre to me!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 12:49 PM
That sounds like a good plan, Rain. My goal is to stay busy until I can meet my divorce group friends at 5:30!!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 01:06 PM
Hey NYG.....the boundaries kind of came organically since he was pretty upfront about what he is willing and not willing to do and give if we R.
And yeah, kind of strange that finding peace with our situations and moving on is our best shot at R with them. But at that point will we want to?
The answer to that scares me.
And thanks....now all I have to do is decide on those goals and all the steps to get to them. Easy breezy.
I hope you had a nice coffee group and also that you guys have a great time tonight. It's good to have that support in real life too.
And yeah, kind of strange that finding peace with our situations and moving on is our best shot at R with them. But at that point will we want to?
The answer to that scares me.
And thanks....now all I have to do is decide on those goals and all the steps to get to them. Easy breezy.
I hope you had a nice coffee group and also that you guys have a great time tonight. It's good to have that support in real life too.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 01:19 PM
The support here feels like real life. Now if you would just get on FB...
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 01:45 PM
Thanks Rain. The only thing STBXH told me was that he respected me as the mother of his children, no mentioned of love! I guess I can't make someone who doesn't love, loves me!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 01:47 PM
You can't believe anything they say... or don't say!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 02:12 PM
Originally Posted By: Rouky
Thanks Rain. The only thing STBXH told me was that he respected me as the mother of his children, no mentioned of love! I guess I can't make someone who doesn't love, loves me!
((((Rouky))))
Hey if you want...I can go have a nice little "talk" with your H. But truly NYGal is right. You just can't believe anything they say, especially in the fog. And the fog lasts different amounts of time for different people.
Wouldn't it be nice if it was a set time? Hey DBers don't worry just GAL and live a great life as your walk away or wayward spouse will be back in full remorse mode ready to create a deeper and more meaningful R is 18 months 3 weeks and 1 day.
When I look back from the start of PA to now I have been on this rollercoaster for almost 2 years and 3 months. And NOW is when I am hearing things I longed to hear. And even still his actions are not so much matching those words.
So like I said before, if my situation is any indication of how things phase in and out and you Rouky, want to move on while standing for a while longer, your Hs A is likely to fizzle and he just may find his way home.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 02:15 PM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
The support here feels like real life. Now if you would just get on FB...
LOL I know....okay here's the deal. If I do I will let cha know. And I will be using my alias here on there as well. Just need a cool last name.
And tell it NYGal...seriously I don't even want to think about where I would be without all of you.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 03:56 PM
Rain Onmyparade?
Rain Bow.
Rain CloudrainingonallOWseverywhere
Rain Bow.
Rain CloudrainingonallOWseverywhere
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 03:57 PM
Rain NoCamGirlz
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 04:13 PM
NYGal you are hilarious! I almost peed my pants!!!
Rain CloudrainingonallOWseverywhere
@
Rain Nocamgirlz
LOL
Rain CloudrainingonallOWseverywhere
@
Rain Nocamgirlz
LOL
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 04:15 PM
I will look for you on FB. lol
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 04:45 PM
You have a future as a comedy writer hmmmm which one to use....lol
hmmmm which one to use....lol
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 04:55 PM
I thought of another way to connect. It involves that rental.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 04:59 PM
Lay it on me
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 05:09 PM
Take that rental. Write it down. Don't repeat any letters. First letter is zero then 1, 2, 3. Then I spell my phone number. Too obvious?
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/06/16 06:07 PM
I don't want to say it wouldn't be and then it is. We kinda spoke about it a lot. LOL.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 03:14 AM
Hi Rain, just been catching up on your thread. Phew! Your XF really knows how to do crazy! It is so cruel how they mess with our heads blowing hot and cold. You are handling things brilliantly with him and then venting on here. I agree with the others about him having met someone. I think he wasn't getting a reaction with his 'crazy' texting when he was out and maybe it was a 180 for you to not react and be all conciliatory in reply so that made him have to up the stakes a notch and try something else - making you jealous. Crazy! I don't know how you keep doing this, you are one strong lady!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 05:12 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
I thought of another way to connect.
Sounds interesting.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 06:12 AM
Thanks. My STBXH has been having his A secretly for 2 years and now it has been in the open for 1 year, and I still don't see any change from him. I'll carry on BD and I'll see what my options are when he files!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 06:16 AM
Inpain...I was just at your "place".
Yes...XF is not only on the crazy train. He is the conductor. I have to get rid of the stupid app though. I do not check on him per se, but when I go to read his texts it quickly (like a split second) says XF was on 2 hours ago or 24 minutes ago then immediately switches to "on right now". So when it wasn't me 2 hours ago then I feel that gross gut feeling.
Or ugh yesterday when I was in the shower and in 20 minutes I had missed 4 calls. My mom called me though and we were on for a good long while. I go back to return his video call which should have said however long ago...but nope. He was on it. And It's getting harder not to say it.
I've "innocently" lol...asked. What are you up to? And he lies. He will say he just woke up or he was in the shower and so far I am able to just say "okay" and move on. But it won't be for long.
I know you're doing it, you've admitted it, so why lie now?! But I think he was being"honest" that time because he wanted me to tell him who I was using it for. Now he is back to dishonesty. Great. Fantastic. Ugh.
See...the crazy train conductor.
Yes...XF is not only on the crazy train. He is the conductor. I have to get rid of the stupid app though. I do not check on him per se, but when I go to read his texts it quickly (like a split second) says XF was on 2 hours ago or 24 minutes ago then immediately switches to "on right now". So when it wasn't me 2 hours ago then I feel that gross gut feeling.
Or ugh yesterday when I was in the shower and in 20 minutes I had missed 4 calls. My mom called me though and we were on for a good long while. I go back to return his video call which should have said however long ago...but nope. He was on it. And It's getting harder not to say it.
I've "innocently" lol...asked. What are you up to? And he lies. He will say he just woke up or he was in the shower and so far I am able to just say "okay" and move on. But it won't be for long.
I know you're doing it, you've admitted it, so why lie now?! But I think he was being"honest" that time because he wanted me to tell him who I was using it for. Now he is back to dishonesty. Great. Fantastic. Ugh.
See...the crazy train conductor.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 06:35 AM
Originally Posted By: Rouky
Thanks. My STBXH has been having his A secretly for 2 years and now it has been in the open for 1 year, and I still don't see any change from him. I'll carry on BD and I'll see what my options are when he files!
Rouky...I'm not trying to convince you either way. It's just that you sound so down that I wanted to share that with you. And Mona said she DBed for 3 years while her H left the state and lived with and had a child with ow. But they ended up back together. So I was just wanting to show you the other side. Please don't think I'm trying to push you into standing. I'm not, scouts honor.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this and that H is making you feel this way Rouky. Truly, I am.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 06:57 AM
Also Rouky I will venture a guess here and say the 2 years of A that were hidden don't count as they were in the fog and excitement of it all being clandestine and all the other A stuff. When real life starts to infiltrate the APs is when it seems to be the beginning of the end. Just my .02 cents.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 07:08 AM
Ai hope you're right Rain. Real life is not nearly as exciting as the shiny new penny of affair fog, to mix metaphors...
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 07:22 AM
Everyone please keep your DR put away unless you're reading it...he just showed up. It was like a freaking tv show me stumbling to hide it!!!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 07:37 AM
Rain, update please!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 08:17 AM
He's in the bathroom on his stupid phone! Ugh. Anyway he just flipping showed up
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 08:20 AM
He came out lol. This must be what it feels like hiding texts during an A. He just showed up out of the blue. And I had my book out.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 08:25 AM
What did he want?
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 08:26 AM
He said he has tge day off and wanted to see the kids. He weht straight to my bedroom though. Hmmm
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 08:27 AM
So he just showed up so he could use his phone in your bathroom? That's smart.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 08:27 AM
He was looking for the missing condoms perhaps?
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 08:50 AM
LOL no he gave me a hug. I asked if anything was wrong since he just popped up. He said no..I have the day off, just wantee to see the kids for a while. Then went to my bedroom. Came back out. The kids woke up. He got a call he didn't answer then maybe 20 minutes later went to the bathroom. I assumed he would be texting so I jumped on here but he came back out quickly. I could never have an affair, what they feel as excitement just aged me 5 years! Now he's talking to his mom. He thinks Im texting my sister. i did not lie. I did answer her text before writing this.
And the book being out. Geez. I sat on the book. It was on the couch. Then he asked me for coffee. I said. Uh not sure I have any. You can check. Then I stuffed the book behind the couch cushion.
THEN when he took the kids to the kitchen I grabbed it and wrapped it in my hoodie and tried to causully walk by. Ugh. Finally I got to the nursery and its now in the babies closet. Phew.
i did not lie. I did answer her text before writing this. And the book being out. Geez. I sat on the book. It was on the couch. Then he asked me for coffee. I said. Uh not sure I have any. You can check. Then I stuffed the book behind the couch cushion.
THEN when he took the kids to the kitchen I grabbed it and wrapped it in my hoodie and tried to causully walk by. Ugh. Finally I got to the nursery and its now in the babies closet. Phew.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 08:53 AM
Be careful. Don't get caught on here. Use this time to be the woman he'd be a fool to leave. Give him your attention while still setting boundaries. Make this one count!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 08:53 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
He was looking for the missing condoms perhaps?
Lmao NYGal! Stop it! You know damn well he got a defective batch of condoms that poof! Disappear into thin air.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 08:56 AM
Poor XF i should give him a hug and validate.. to let him know that i realize how frustrating it must be to have the condoms make him look guilty.
Okay I'll be back on later
Okay I'll be back on later
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 05:05 PM
He is still here. He played with the kids. We went for a walk with them and when they napped we watched tv. That phone is the bane of my existence and it's been very difficult to keep my mouth shut. He knows this so he was telling me who some of the texts were from. But with our history (he has done that before then stayed quiet when it was ows texts or cam girl emails) it just leaves me with that same feeling. Because he will say oh its my mom. Or wow XX from work keeps texting me. Then will be silent for the following few. This is no way to live.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 05:15 PM
Hey Rain, just catching up. I am still celebrating the way you handled the phone call last week, but I want you to challenge yourself now to keep the focus on you. I just skimmed this 10 page thread and didn't see much of that. Of course if filled up quickly and you've been through a lot...but still, you have work to do.
I have posted a bit on JulieH's thread, InPain's thread, and Ciluzen's. Check them out. Your sitch reminds me of Inpain's.
I have posted a bit on JulieH's thread, InPain's thread, and Ciluzen's. Check them out. Your sitch reminds me of Inpain's.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 09:14 PM
Thanks Zues. I will get to Julies and Culizens, I have read your post to inpain.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/07/16 09:24 PM
Rain, can you set a no phone boundary when you are together? It might be a start....
LOL like I know anything. Now I will go to my thread and see how bad I messed up today... So confusing.
LOL like I know anything. Now I will go to my thread and see how bad I messed up today... So confusing.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/08/16 06:38 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
Rain, can you set a no phone boundary when you are together? It might be a start....
LOL like I know anything. Now I will go to my thread and see how bad I messed up today... So confusing.
LOL like I know anything. Now I will go to my thread and see how bad I messed up today... So confusing.
I will answer your question then we need to analyze your W...you know I love doing that.
NYgal. I tried to tell him about leaving his phone in his car once before. It was a disaster. He refused and then I got advice here (If I remember correctly from Pink and Zues) not to pressure him about his stupid phone. To him it's seen as me trying to control him. Now to your conversation with W...
You may be upset with everyones advice but I think theyre right. Just let me explain why. When XF wanted us to be together again but only if I was okay with no transparency and the possibility of more As I (and all of You) were flabbergasted. I said no and you and everyone else advised me to stay strong and not give in to that kind of relationship simply because I miss him and miss our family.
When I read that W was asking you to hide your conversation and also making plans with you that would have to be kept a secret I felt the same way you did when XF wanted to give me less than. No, no, no! We are NOT plan B.
When people say be the OW to the ow, they don't mean it literally. It's not to start an A and be kept hidden and a secret. They mean that by GALing and moving on (not dating but not waiting) that we can possibly become to our SO what ow was before. The woman that they can't get off their mind, the one they think of constantly. The one that ow must now live up to (which they CAN'T because we are so unbelievably great!). The ones that now make them reconsider if they've made a horrible mistake.
So just like XFs offer was just not enough, neither is Ws. It just isn't sweetie.
Lastly when mines PA ended by his choice btw...we stayed together. I shouldn't have. It's also true that when you R too quickly it. Doesnt. Work. That blasted ow is still fresh in their minds and they will cycle. Mine cycled by starting an EA. Some cycle by simply going back to R/M and continuing to pursue ow on the side again. It's not fun and It's not pretty.
So NYG, the same way you all want better for me than to accept XFs bs offer, we want the best for you. That's for W to be completely done with ow. Completely. And for you two to do the work and move forward from a better and stronger place so as to build a brand new M.
(((((NYGal)))))
You got this. Before you were sad and reeling thinking W forgot about you. But clearly she hasn't.
and trust me ow, the lot of them, got our S through secrecy and deception. They are so much more intune when they feel something is "off". Ow in our life told me she always knew when XF missed me or was texting me. He was colder to her. He would even tell her..since she was always SO understanding. LOL. He would tell her, I don't know what I would do if Rain moves away because of what I'm doing. She would stay calm and tell him that it would be okay. Then they could really be together and if Rain won't let US see the kids WE can take her to court. At least one time he told her to mind her business. And that there was no WE because they are Rain and my kids. And I just dont want her to move away from me. So, they fought that night..her understanding facade went out the window.
This was all told to me by ow btw, you all know I believe nothibg XF says. My poiny of the above is that the APs can sense when they're number 1 spot is in jeopardy. They start to become us and get jealous and fight. Ahhh karma.
Also, though that happened, guess what? He was still an ass to me and he still kept that A going. So your best bet is to stay away from the A and the crazy.
Thinking of you and hoping for the best. You deserve it.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/08/16 08:07 AM
Yesterday started out good enough but ended not so great. Nothing huge though, no fighting or screaming and for us (me) thats pretty big.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/08/16 08:17 AM
Good work, Rain!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/08/16 08:24 AM
Thanks NYGal. Honestly, it made me question if we can ever really get to the other side. I'm going to the DMV then shopping and if it gets warm enough then taking the kids to the park.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/08/16 08:58 AM
Originally Posted By: NYGal
So he just showed up so he could use his phone in your bathroom? That's smart.
Originally Posted By: NYGal
He was looking for the missing condoms perhaps?
OMG! You're cracking me up, and I'm supposed to be asleep. Good thing I didn't see this while I was working. They would have wondered what I was laughing at. LOL!!!
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/08/16 09:02 AM
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Originally Posted By: NYGal
He was looking for the missing condoms perhaps?
Lmao NYGal! Stop it! You know damn well he got a defective batch of condoms that poof! Disappear into thin air.
What? I thought he got the box where the condoms jumped out and took off running to hide. I must have been thinking of a different XF. LOL
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/08/16 09:10 AM
Meanwhile, my drama continues...
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/08/16 09:23 AM
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Lastly when mines PA ended by his choice btw...we stayed together. I shouldn't have. It's also true that when you R too quickly it. Doesnt. Work. That blasted ow is still fresh in their minds and they will cycle. Mine cycled by starting an EA. Some cycle by simply going back to R/M and continuing to pursue ow on the side again. It's not fun and It's not pretty.
I can testify to that! Remember my 12 day R with H. It ended with him taking a week off then running right back to her.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
They are so much more intune when they feel something is "off".
My point of the above is that the APs can sense when they're number 1 spot is in jeopardy. They start to become us and get jealous and fight.
My point of the above is that the APs can sense when they're number 1 spot is in jeopardy. They start to become us and get jealous and fight.
Again, remember my 12 day R with H? Right before he took a week off, he was ending it with me and she STROLLED RIGHT INTO OUR HOUSE TO MAKE HER PRESENCE KNOWN. Grrrrrr......
And then I did the perfect thing. I let her have him. Oh, wait. I guess that wasn't the perfect thing. But, I do now realize that I can't control him or his choices no matter how stupid they are. The point is that they do cycle right back of out your life and back into theirs. And, those pesky ow DO get jealous and March right back into our spouses lives. You would think after all the time we've put in that we would have more pull than them. But, doesn't seem to be that way.
Re: Day by Day..Hour by Hour 4 - 02/08/16 11:41 AM
New thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2651334&#Post2651334
Glad we made you smile MB.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2651334&#Post2651334
Glad we made you smile MB.