Old POST1;
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2641367#Post2641367Old Post2:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2645974#Post2645974Had to start a new thread. Sitch is below and last was divorce papers served....still in the same house and it is not comfortable at all.
So I keep "hoping" that magic text or email comes that I really do miss you and want to make a run at this. But as the title of my new post states, Hope is not a Strategy
I actually have no strategy right now....am lost. Traveling all this week at a conference M-R and didn't see STBX since Friday when she went away and felt that maybe...just maybe...she would be like missing me.
But after talking to D on phone, it is obvious that this ship has sailed
I have tried to detach and some days it feels good and works. Other days I look at other folks with their wedding rings on and they talk about caling their wife, their kids, and I yearn for those days to be back.
How do you get past all of this? I have to be back this friday and will get the cold shoulder from the WAW and then have friends I am visiting Saturday so I don't need to be around her but dearly miss my D.
Has anyone done the last resort in such a dire situation and seen this work? My STBX is one where if she has her mind made up, she doesn't flip flop
So hard to get thru this phase of this....
------------------------
Me: 49
Her: 53
Married: 10yrs
1 D6
Issues back in 2011/2012 Counseling
8/2015 ILYBNILWY I don't know what's wrong
Didn't start DB'ing until too late
1/28/16 Got D papers
Working on the D
Still live under the same roof
Rich,
Go read the forum called "Advice from Wise DBers" at the bottom of the page.
Lots of stuff about people thinking it was dead in the water and then they did get that "call".
I successfully DB'd my walk away about 18 months ago. I thought I would never see her again but she did start coming around. Unfortunately, Im back but I was able to turn things around the first time.
Rich
I have always told myself things will get worse before any chance of better. I think you need to accept that. Unfortunately for you you don't have to have a separation before divorce is allowed. Either way the divorce
Is a piece of paper. That is it.
I am in my situation and am afraid things still need to get worse. That is going to be a tough pill to swallow. But I made a decision I am in this until my heart and mind check out. I'm ready.
Think of it this way.
thornton
thanks and sorry you are back here...but glad you had a second chance and hope you work it out
I will check out your recommendation
Rich
I But I made a decision I am in this until my heart and mind check out. I'm ready.
Think of it this way.
thanks otw. I didn't make this decision but my heart is still kind of in this and my mind is starting to check out
She made some accusations via text today that I was potentially "watching " what she was doing on her home computer as her phone/computer were acting up
To me it was a horrible text to send as I would never do this and my response was that you should never send me a text again like this as I never would do this and if you are paranoid about it, you are obviously doing something wrong which I don't care about anymore. And dont send this to me ever again
I need to stand up and not take this. She is constantly reaching out in a bad way and looking for reasons to scrap with each other or have interaction
I asked her to stop. go hire a computer guy and check things but if you need to do it, look in the mirror as you are up to somehting which is probably an EA.
Today got even weirder.
She apologized via text for the accusations and then went on and on in an email about planning this weekend for our D and a trip and then I should be doing this and that....then a vacation she needs from all this stress etc....
She goes from accuasations of me spying to friendly let's take care of our daughter banter like we are buddies. I can't take this....
How best for those that have done this to do a 180?
i think maybe stop looking so deep into the 180's when dealing with the W going in a thousand directions.
Handle all stuff about the daughter the way you should and best for her. Other than that let W spin around and just validate when you can and STFU.
She has to travel down a road, you prob don't want to get in the way
[quote=rich4j
To me it was a horrible text to send as I would never do this and my response was that you should never send me a text again like this as I never would do this and if you are paranoid about it, you are obviously doing something wrong which I don't care about anymore. And dont send this to me ever again
I asked her to stop. go hire a computer guy and check things but if you need to do it, look in the mirror as you are up to somehting which is probably an EA.
[/quote]
Why do you feel the need to defend yourself? Don't solve her problems. Don't accuse or judge.
Just say "I'm sorry you are having computer troubles; I haven't touched it."
Why do you need to say anything more?
Rich,
Less is more most of the time. It's often hard for us not to say more but they aren't hearing it anyway or they will turn what we say into something it's not.
Today got even weirder.
She apologized via text for the accusations and then went on and on in an email about planning this weekend for our D and a trip and then I should be doing this and that....then a vacation she needs from all this stress etc....
She goes from accuasations of me spying to friendly let's take care of our daughter banter like we are buddies. I can't take this....
How best for those that have done this to do a 180?
Does she have a history of BPD? This type of behavior is an indicator of at least mild BPD. Weird mood swings. Changing gears suddenly.
Whats' BDP? She is going thru pre menopause and has had a tough time wiht it and is up and down alot
Pre-menopause?
That would explain some things.
My wife had her thyroid removed in April. A couple months later her personality and mood changed.
BPD is bi-polar disorder. My W demonstrated a lot of the same behaviors. She wasn't bi-polar. She was a WAS on a mission to reach her happy place and I was in the way. I was the target of her outburst...same as you.
I agree with what the others have posted. Try to ignore it as much as possible. My WW accused me the other day of locking her out of our joint bank account. Although I wanted to tell her she is crazy and ask her if she logged in correctly, I replied that I hadn't and left it at that. She texted a little while later to let me know she got in. No apology, but at this point, I didn't expect one. Regardless, I avoided an argument and that is a good thing right now.
Talking less is better.
Definitely not BiPolar
Just going awal on her feelings that seem to feel sometimes like she is so angry with me about our past and relationship that she really has voiced things she hasn't in the past. I read a ton about Pre Menopause and wish I knew about this earlier on as its so tough on a woman and really is a huge change in feelings and how the brain is wired. Not the reason for my sitch but doesn't help
I too am in her way on reaching her happy place as she wants her old self back.
We had an interesting text thing going on as my D said on the phone as I am traveling "you are the best dad in the world" I had to walk back into my hotel room as i was leaving when she said this and cry.....i am a mess lately
My STBX texted me that my D loves me and i am the best dad...it was nice but not what i wanted to hear of course from her....but you can't get blood from stone. She did say she cried a bit too when my D said that to me when she got home. Gave me props in the text about how good I am at what i do at work and people love working for me
Felt like a pat on the head and a nice little good bye treat. I tried not to read into it at all.
And I think I went way backwards today with some more texts from her
How hard it was for her too with all of this. And I said too much via text without just being like "OK...that is great"....just validating things
I feel like I set myself back into where we were a few months ago with me being desperate and begging. So frustrating.....I got sucker punched
I have not thought about an EA but those who know of my situation keep saying she would never be this way without something else going on . Part of me says who cares....if that is the path she has chosen...let it be.
The other says do what I can to find out the truth if she won't be honest.
this [censored]...
If you are ever going to apply the LRT, don't you think it would be when papers were served? I mean, why were you not already doing it? What are you waiting on?
I mean, why were you not already doing it? What are you waiting on?
You are right....not really sure...maybe a miracle?
Are there any good links to LRT?
it is all in divorce remedy. I also recommend a coaching session if you haven't. They tend to get more detailed into your situation and sometimes you will get a little different advice than on here.
She is going thru pre menopause and has had a tough time wiht it and is up and down alot
Do you mean perimenopause - the transition toward menopause? As far as I know, premenopause is pretty much just PMS.
I think you have no option but to go LRT. There's a reason it's a last resort, and I think you're there right now. I haven't used it, but I want to warn you that it looks hard. Post here often to stay on track - you absolutely need to stay consistent for it to work. Half-a$$ed ain't gonna cut it.
rich,
I, too, am in LRT. It is hard. But it is helping me to not tumble around in the emotional tornado.
I had been living life "AS IF"...as if we were still happily married whenever we interacted. It felt great ...when we interacted. But it left me wanting more and feeling hopeful only to be brought back to the rality of our separation.
Since our intense but non-productive R talks after I was served D papers, I have gone pretty dark. I now behave "AS IF"...as if we are D already. I am not so concerned about pleasing him or offending him. I am focused on me.
Do I still love him and want to save our M? Yes. But I can't control his actions and reactions. MLC? Menopause? Perimenopause? BPD? It doesn't really matter. You can't fix it, so diagnosing it just leads to helplessness and emotional turmoil on your part. All you can do is focus on you and wait it out.
This might help:
This is from JamesJohn...8/2002
In this humble man's opinion, the "Last Resort Technique" can be one of the most misunderstood, most misused, most feared, and most underutilized of all of Michele's tools.
The LRT, as I see it, isn't so much a defined set of actions, patterns, or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude, and a state of mind.
To me, it's the infamous "Dobson letter", the one that is written and re-written at least 10 times, truly taken to heart within yourself, then torn up and never sent. If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNOW you have set both them, and yourself, free by your words, actions, and attitudes, without ever giving them the letter.
It's when you finally take your life back, knowing that the DB techniques you've been learning and practicing are mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw your partner back to you, well, that's an added benefit.
It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. You begin taking the actions required to make your life situations better for YOU.
It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to the situations you face in your daily life.
It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.
It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quite playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.
It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?
It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.
It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative, doom-ridden, and "final" thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to "reframe" these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept, to see the actual benefits of this tool. (Or, maybe, we should have this "state of mind" FIRST instead of saving it for LAST?!)
I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my journey. As for me, it may be something I want to use as an "On Going Technique" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"!
You asked if anyone has done LRT. I did for about 3 months after I served my W (my sitch and reasons, not what I'm suggesting to you). I would only respond to things linked to S6 or joint responsibilities. That really pissed her off for quite a while, and I took a lot of spew from it. It was hard and hurt at the start, but it got easier. I became more detached and started enjoying life again because I had room to breathe, to heal, when I started acting as if we were divorced. I didn't stop LRT until she began the actions of returning home.
I agree with the others that it is time for LRT in your sitch. Break the cycle and make the changes. Do it without expectations.
This is from JamesJohn...8/2002
In this humble man's opinion, the "Last Resort Technique" can be one of the most misunderstood, most misused, most feared, and most underutilized of all of Michele's tools.
The LRT, as I see it, isn't so much a defined set of actions, patterns, or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude, and a state of mind.
To me, it's the infamous "Dobson letter", the one that is written and re-written at least 10 times, truly taken to heart within yourself, then torn up and never sent. If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNOW you have set both them, and yourself, free by your words, actions, and attitudes, without ever giving them the letter.
It's when you finally take your life back, knowing that the DB techniques you've been learning and practicing are mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw your partner back to you, well, that's an added benefit.
It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. You begin taking the actions required to make your life situations better for YOU.
It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to the situations you face in your daily life.
It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.
It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quite playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.
It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?
It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.
It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative, doom-ridden, and "final" thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to "reframe" these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept, to see the actual benefits of this tool. (Or, maybe, we should have this "state of mind" FIRST instead of saving it for LAST?!)
I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my journey. As for me, it may be something I want to use as an "On Going Technique" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"!
Hi rich I feel your pain I really do
I am crap at taking my own advice however think about this
“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah
It is not easy to accept and accept it you must....... you will this was told to me that you will accept it it just depends on how much pain you want to put yourself through whilst you get there
Rich take care my friend you can do this ...it is only ever over when you decide it is over
Man hugs
Ghost
thx otw and SciDad
Did read up on things today on plane and traveling and I do need to go there. Don't know what it will yield in any R but it feels the right thing to do as this heads down this path of D
thx C....will catch up on your thread tonight
I agree...I can't control squat except what I do. She is gone gone gone as the song goes and if she comes back, it will be on her own time and circumstance
Very bull headed wife so I am not optimistic but I can't worry about this anymore. It goes from a good day of DBing to worrying and I need to stick to the plan for myself
very helpful...thank you I re-read this today
Do it without expectations.
Squiggy- that is important for me to get my head around. I can't have any expectations except for me to get on a better path for myself. I have been hoping, wishing etc....that she comes around but it ain't happening from what I am doing today and can't control it anyway
Appreciate the man hugs.....need them at this point.
Acceptance is hard. I had a good day or 2 a bit ago on accepting but then she poked a little hole in my cloud and the expectations and what ifs started again
I can't let that happen. Hard it is....and being in the same house makes it harder. That sitch may change in the next 30 days as the L's are talking and then things may just be easier for both regardless of outcome
The first few months are the hardest especially when under the same roof. Start living the single life as much as you can..embrace it even if it hurts. It helped me to be reliant on me..i was with exw 26 years. I pushed my self to do things without her permission. Little by little I felt more in control of my days.
It was strange to watch my best friend turn into my worse enemy..I still dont undetstand it. She told me on her way out what a "great guy and husband" i was. live your life my friend. Wait on no one....
It was strange to watch my best friend turn into my worse enemy..I still dont undetstand it. She told me on her way out what a "great guy and husband" i was. live your life my friend. Wait on no one....
Strange it is Rick. She definitely says the same things but great guy, great dad...not great husband
All great advice. She just tries to suck me back in as under the same roof isn't easy but I aint leaving yet. There was a situation just this am about a certain household task thing that used to drive me crazy that she did and while I was away, she did it again and sent me a text "sorry...I know that drives you crazy...forgot..." Which her saying sorry is like the most unusual thing.... She is trying to be my friend....I didn't respond except thanks for the note.
Tonight was a tough one for me.
Anger and dare I say the word "hate" come into my belly and raged
Had a dance event with my young daughter...dinner out..fun time with others we know and their daughters and dads.
Almost lost it when "Daddy's Girl" dance came on with my D. I am out there like a sap almost ready to cry looking around going all these happy dads with their daughters and my STBX is putting me thru this...
Hate & anger. Not a good feeling especially when you still believe you love someone. Glad she wasn't home when I got home.....
Love my Daughter.
and can't control it anyway
Because she has her own path to walk just as you do. It's a hard concept to truly internalize and do something with.
Hate & anger. Not a good feeling especially when you still believe you love someone.
I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell my clients. It is OK to feel those feelings....so long as you focus on the behaviors of the person, instead of the person themselves, and not act out of anger. However, really take a look at those two words: hate and anger. I bet it closer to disappointment, betrayal,
hurt. It's like us guys are bred to show the deeper feelings as anger. We're taught by our male society that when something hurts (betrays, stresses, frustrates, etc) us, then beat the crap out of it, one possible reason we tend to be fixers. You have control over your choices and actions, even in those worst times.
Have to agree with Squiggy. Differentiate between behavior and the person. K8nd of like hate the sin, not the sinner.
It's also much easier to show anger or similar emotions rather than hurt or pain. Keep in mind the opposite of love is not anger, it is indifference
It's also all right to feel sad. Hang in there. Vaya con dios
Keep in mind the opposite of love is not anger, it is indifference
This is so true. If I didn't care for you, I would pay you as much attention as I do the person walking next to me on the street.
I bet it closer to disappointment, betrayal, hurt. It's like us guys are bred to show the deeper feelings as anger. We're taught by our male society that when something hurts (betrays, stresses, frustrates, etc) us, then beat the crap out of it, one possible reason we tend to be fixers. You have control over your choices and actions, even in those worst times.
Agree Squig. It is more about hurt and not the person themselves but everything they have done to get to this point over the last 6+ months.
I fluctuate daily on things and really really really believe after all this time in my heart she has another love interest that is in another town 5+ hours away that she visits her best friend probably 1x or 2x month now. I have dug into things and confronted her but she denies denies denies.
I just go back in our history and while we did have issues, I think this sparked the exit stage left. I guess we all go through the "why why why" 1000x times and i have to default to "it must be an EA"
Time will tell perhaps the truth comes out.
And I can't figure out for myself if I continue to push for the truth and try to uncover any type of EA/PA will it hurt more or less or will I be relieved?
She comes from a family who have cheated and I feel she just doesn't want this to be going around to my/her friends if she admitted to it
Another frustrating part of this entire life changing event.
If you choose to investigate a possible A , and you find one, you will be hurt like no hurt you ever felt before. It will make your current pain seem like a day in the park.
After months of thinking there was no OM, I had an idea something was happening, but confirmation makes it real. Despite the hurt, I'm glad I did it.
It let me know exactly what I was dealing with and allowed me to take control of how to proceed.
As opposed to what I had been doing, which was basically trying to improve myself while hoping for a change in her. Constant vigilance in watching her actions. Expectations were always there.
I didn't truly improve until I knew the truth.
Some here say it is better not to know. Others say it is important to investigate and know what your S is doing.
I agree with the latter. If you find an A, it will hurt. In time, you will be relieved that you finally know the truth.
Instead of 5 hours away, her's was 2.5 hours away. Odd that it began to be every weekend....Like Free pointed out, it hurt like hell to find out. I knew in my heart what was going on, but I wasn't ready and was not in a strong place. I pushed, and that push back was HARD.
Whether you find out or not, you still have the same task ahead of you. That hasn't changed.
I agree with both of the above posts rain. Confirming an A hurts more than anything.
When I found out it was before DB and I pushed hard. Begging, fighting, crying. Pick one of Sandi's rules and I did the opposite. It just made things worse. The hurt is still there, it confirmed to me that I was no longer married to the woman I met.
Snooping never brought anything to light that made me feel better. Knowing that there was is an A did give me more reason to be better for myself and kids.
I found out gradually. It was an EA that turned physical at some point. It hurts like nothing else. And Saturday nights are the worst. I can't help but think of them together. It's a physical pain in my heart, almost what I imagine a heart attack to be. And it tortures me, like it is right now.
I'm sorry NY.
I read an article that scientists had discovered that emotional pain travels via the same circuitry in the brain as physical pain. Tylenol helps alleviate both pains. Google it! And then have a couple Tylenols...
Tylenol. I will get some. Thanks Thornton. I
Oh and I meant rich not rain above. I miss edit button
I found out gradually. It was an EA that turned physical at some point. It hurts like nothing else. And Saturday nights are the worst. I can't help but think of them together. It's a physical pain in my heart, almost what I imagine a heart attack to be. And it tortures me, like it is right now.
NY Gal----> I feel your pain as I think about it even though nothing has been confirmed and I have a phsyical pain in my heart...like a heart attack and it is painful
I am on the fence to continue to push on this button or not and get confirmation as I know the hurt will kill but it will also bring some clarity to me. She won't admit it I think ever since she is more worried about the stigma with my friends/hers but will say the reason I did this was you pushed me there anyway.
We shall see
Its been a tough weekend as we have temporarily put a kind of and/off weekend schedule spending in the house and with the D. But I am getting to the point that I am not going to be onboard with this anymore. I won't be a prisoner in my own house and wiht my own daughter unless I have to legally.
This will be a fun conversation. I won't blend the potential affair and time with the D together or that will be a keg of dynamite.
Outwardly I did fine this weekend with my friends Gal'ing but inside my heart just wants all of us back together working on our relationship. I don't know how/when that light burns out....
Need some advice on continuing to pursue and push on knowledge of an A
Has denied denied denied and unfortunately I have believed her. But piecing things together and rolling back the clock, it makes more sense now of "I am done" with her past trips and potential long distance EA or PA or both
Kind of getting obsessed about this which is unhealthy and making me nuts. I found some info on some phone number/texts she has been contacting for months (just the # not the info) that insn't her girlfriends in the area.
I feel I need to address this with her. Will it change anything? Not for our relationship. But it may give me some peace in terms of being able to deal with her the next "XXX many years". I don't deal well with liars and this will not let me have any type of relastionship unless I feel I have done all I can to get the truth
Any advice from those who have had to address and get to the truth?
That is dangerous territory to cross. In my own sitch, the A was busted by S6. I had concrete proof with a witness. It helped, and at the same time it hurt beyond all imagination, even though I knew it deep in my heart.
Something you may want to consider is whether or not it will help the sitch move forward or not. Will confronting WAW about the A help establish boundaries and gain respect? Will it blow up in your face on speculation about phone numbers? Will it push the A further underground? These are all things to consider.
Squiggy-can't beleieve your S6 had the proof...ugh...that [censored].
Trying to consider all of it
The sitch won't change as far as I can tell.
I am confused and sick to my stomach that I don't know how to approach this. She is one that will deny deny deny but I think I may have enough to let her know regardless of what she says....I know where she is at whether EA or PA.
I may have to just lay out it there from start to finish and ask her to put it to bed...so to say...by just lets look at your phone together now if you are in full denial and I won't mention it again? Or.....lets just get this out there so we can try to have something civil moving forward for our daughter because right now I can not.
Hi Rich, one of the things that helped me is something Chuck told me. The OM is not who we should concern ourselves with, he is like traffic, the weather, something out of our control. I have been guilty of getting to focused and wondering what my wife sees in him, I had met him on a couple of occasions last year. He bored the life out of me each time... He is everything my wife told she would never want to be with.... I can't say the thought has completly gone away yet but I am believing in Chucks words. We can control ourselves and make ourselves better men and better fathers, if the situation is there. Something my wife always told me is how warm a feeling she got when she saw me play with my kids and we are having fun.
For me, it's been about finding my confidence and pride in myself, who I was before, not trying to change for someone else. I have tried to do that for to long, failed and ended up loosing track of who I was and the great person I was and will be again.
I had plans for this year to do things with my wife, places I wanted to visit. If she doesn't want to join, I am going to do them anyway.
One thing I did, and maybe people will disagree but it's hard to know what is right and wrong in this situation. A couple of days ago, I went to her, shook her hand and said thank you for waking me up, that she gave up on me too soon. I then left her and went to the gym. It helped give me a sense of letting go and one thing Sandi2 said that stuck with me is she needs to feel a loss, that the first thing she can feel the loss is of her husband.
It may not be right for everybody but it did help me in a sense, that I can be on my own if necessary, that this year can be good no matter what. I still have my struggles and difficult moments and do feel that my family all together would make the year even better but it can be great anyway.
I'm going to echo some of what has already been said. An affair, whether EA of PA, is a symptom of dysfunction. Obsessing over what has or hasn't happened is not healthy, and I suspect you know that.
Instead of worrying about gathering evidence worry about addressing the issues in your relationship. But here's the key - don't do it only to win back your wife. Do it because, as you said, she woke you up to some of your issues. Now it's time to work on them. If not for this relationship for your next.
rich - Yep. S6 was placed right in the middle of the A.
Well said Si and Sci. SciDad is correct in stating that affairs are symptoms of dysfunction. Each person in the marriage contributed to it and has a part to play in the recovery.
That being said, what does busting the A gain you? Does it move your sitch forward to success? Is it a cheeseless tunnel at this point? Is it best to do nothing and focus on yourself?
In some cases it's the opportunity to lay down a firm boundary - "I will not live in an open marriage, and if you continue with your affair, then X will happen. Otherwise, if you end the A and come home, you will find that I am more than willing to work on any and all problems, including my own." I remember saying similar to that. In other cases, it may gain you nothing or make the situation worse.
The path you take is up to you, but I wouldn't choose without a clear head and from a place not based in emotion.
Something you may want to consider is whether or not it will help the sitch move forward or not. Will confronting WAW about the A help establish boundaries and gain respect? Will it blow up in your face on speculation about phone numbers? Will it push the A further underground? These are all things to consider.
I agree with this.
What REALLY changes if she is an affair right now? - I think in some states it matters, and in some it doesnt.
What would happen if you assumed that she is and she is not?
Here's what happened in my sitch:
I was going crazy as well. My heart was telling me there was no possible way she would do that to me, but in my gut I knew the truth.
I was going crazy trying to figure out why things weren't getting better between us. I was working so hard on myself, she could see those changes but she couldn't open up to me because her needs were being filled by someone else.
When I finally had definitive conformation and absolute proof of the A, I felt a wide range of emotions. I was very upset, obviously, but it also gave me a sense of peace because I knew I wasn't crazy at that point.
Does that make sense?
It allowed for the power balance to even out in my case. It allowed me to not look at myself as a lesser than and it gave me the confidence that I needed to really truly fight to maintain my boundaries that I was setting.
Our gut instinct is rarely wrong..
this is what I did:
1) figured out who that person was, what he did, where he worked, and if he was married.
2) then I confronted W only when I had some very specific knowledge.
2a) I let her dig her own hole. I played it up like I knew way more than what she was telling me... she wanted to get it off her chest so bad, once the gates opened, I knew way more than wanted to know.
3) I didn't beat around the bush... I told her that I knew about her and OM... She denied it at first, but I just kept telling her that I knew and that I knew a lot more than what she's saying, and that I wasn't going to tell her how...
4) Probably the best thing I did was remain totally calm. It was difficult at first, but I didn't allow myself to get dragged into a fight. I remained calm.
5) After I had confirmed the A, I left the house and gave myself time to process the entire situation. like hours. I decided that there was nothing I had done that warranted being treated in that way. Not only was I being cheated on, I was being disrespected in my own home in front of my children.
I didn't feel guilty at all for asking her to leave about a month before (she ended up moving downstairs).
6) When I got home, I talked with W. She initially tried to put it back on me. I just told her that I was unhappy in the M too, but I didn't go and have an A (not said angrily, BTW, just staring facts).
I told her I was going to meet with a L the next day and try to figure out what my options are, but that for right now I was completely content with the current living arrangement.
-end-
I understand what people are saying about that knowledge being painful, but for me knowledge is power. It allowed me to take W off of the pedestal I'd put her on. I felt like it put us on even footing because I wasn't willing to be walked on anymore.
I think the real answer is in you as a person. Will the knowledge give you that ability to really "let go" or will it just give you more questions?
I'm going to add this as well:
Azzork is right. Will knowing really change the situation for you? You guys are already lawyered up, right?
This might expedite that process. Is that what you really want?
I'm going to disagree with Squiggy on one point, though:
If you decide to open that can of worms, I would not leave the door open for her... I wouldn't say anything about living in an open M etc. or giving her that choice to come back. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't, but think about how it makes you sound? I'm not just saying that for your sitch, either. I think that needs to be a general rule.
In your particular sitch, she's already taken some legal steps, so you know where she stands regarding your M.
Mowgli, Azzork, Sci , Squigs....
Thanks all for the advice and questions/reasoning
I need to step away from the edge. Some of the info I found set me off and down a path of last night and today of lunacy. Heart physically hurts and mind was racing all day thinking of her with this potential "guy".
We are L'd up so I have pinged my lawyer again to see what this could potentially mean or not. I have backed away today on this as I have more major issues again at home
Her saying our D has asked now "why don't you and daddy do things together anymore? Why not as a family?" It kills me ...made me cry tonight when my STBX said this and then asked why I won't leave?
I need our L's to get in gear so we can move on. I can't take this much more...
If you decide to open that can of worms, I would not leave the door open for her... I wouldn't say anything about living in an open M etc. or giving her that choice to come back. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't, but think about how it makes you sound? I'm not just saying that for your sitch, either. I think that needs to be a general rule.
You caught me. I forgot the final line which moves it forward: "I will not live in an open marriage, and if you continue with your affair, then X will happen. Otherwise, if you end the A and come home, you will find that I am more than willing to work on any and all problems, including my own.
Otherwise, we both have some very big decisions to make."
One thing you have to keep in mind is that DBing is to save the marriage if possible. Even while establishing a boundary, you are still working to keep the door open, the road paved smooth. Were you to leave it in the form you are suggesting, it can come across as a pushy ultimatum that goes against the goal of reconciliation.
Rich, the decision is yours, but I would recommend slowing down and not pushing. You have already done the steps of protecting yourself with an L. You are reacting to your emotions.
As a survivor of infidelity and a pending divorce, I'm going to tell you to try and relax. I know it hurts like hell, but this doesn't mean it's the end of the road. One step at a time and keep working on you.
Squiggy- agree on slowing down.
It hurts like hell that it still baffles me even without a confirmed affair that she is willing to give this all up and move on. But that is what alot of us struggle with here
She keeps pushing me to leave as its confusing to our daughter and not a good situation. REally? You think telling her we are divorcing won't be mindblowing to her too? I realize we both want to move on but she keeps pushing to get me out there door. I have told her no until we have the lawyer stuff aligned
We have a talk tonight at home around finances, dogs, are you getting a job?, the house, i will try not to go with the affiar stuff, etc.....and have our first joint co parenting session tomorrow afternoon. That will be a hard one for me....everytime the Daughter discussion is involved and melt, cry and just feel bad for her. the STBX.....not even a tear....."she is resilient"....hate that word already
Really struggling lately on how real this has gotten but tired and exhausted and almost wish it was over so we could move on. I keep this hope that she will miss me but that is why "hope is not a strategy". Time will tell......
My W was exactly the same. She thought her happiness would make the kids better. She ignored them. No tears when we told them.
They can't let it affect them or they may think they are wrong. That is not an option to them
You have an L, right? What do they say about finances and all? I'm not going to claim to be able to give advice in that area. Go with what the L states and will protect your daughter the most.
Do not forget this in your worst feeling moments: DBing is to save your marriage and/or to save yourself. You know the steps you need to take to keep moving forward.
If you can before your sit down, go out and GAL for a bit. You'll need to come from a place of strength and (faked) serenity to make it through the discussion.
Also my W is gal pro. If she doesn't have the kids she can not stay home or be alone
My WW believes the same nonsense. Our D3 is resilient and she needs to see mommy happy. She completely ignores the facts that she is teaching D3 that affairs are acceptable and that it's ok to run away from your problems. Clearly not messages that I want to send.
Also my W is gal pro. If she doesn't have the kids she can not stay home or be alone
OTW- she must know my STBX....always out. And even when our D is home alot of times she gets a babysitter so she can go workout, play tennis etc.....nice life that will be changing drastically soon
Our D3 is resilient and she needs to see mommy happy. She completely ignores the facts that she is teaching D3 that affairs are acceptable and that it's ok to run away from your problems.
OMG-resilient should say "they don't understand yet but when they do, it will impact them"
SELFISH-go be happy right? Yes....let's make sure she is happy and it will help everyone! obviously sarcastic but it seems to be the trait of the WAW WAH...
It is unfortunately a proven fact the negative impact of divorce on children of any age.
My STBX keeps saying our living arrangement under 1 roof and not spending time together is hurting our daughter. She is confused and starting to ask questions.
I do think its not the best situation. But the alternative of dropping the D bomb on her too as a 6 yr old.....when we haven't figured this all out in terms of living, who leaves, etc.....
Lol. Even with my kids verbally telling her they do not like her house they want us together and she is different. W still thinks she is doing right for them.
I'm having same issues. Although I try not to believe a thing STBX said, she's claimed that her L has told her a happy mummy is the most important thing and the affair, disruption and absolute lack of any commitment what so ever to work on the M is all that is being shown. I have taken many times to talk calmly to my boys telling them this is not what I wanted. This is not what I like to happen. They understand I think. She has said to me a few times they will be better off. This was a low blow intended to hurt me as I think she is jealous of the relationship I have with my boys so this gives me a barometer of my actions. my STBX is 'pretending' she is doing right by them. But sadly I had a W that was never ever wrong.
Sad story keefa and sorry to hear
Many of us seem to be in a similar sitch with a few different elements whether an affair or not OR that you were the reason for all the things wrong in the relationship
I have my good days and bad and good weeks and bad since this started. I am pretty worn down and dont know how to get out of the rut. GAL'ing is fine but I still think about her and my D and the family being together constantly
We have a big talk tonight that I am kind of dreading but maybe something positive will come out of it. Who knows...
Before your talk review the 37rules about 10 times!
Before your talk review the 37rules about 10 times!
good idea.....especially keeping it cool
I have to ensure I don't go "there" Which is why are we dong this? Why don't we just separate and see how much we miss each other and want to be together again? We are making this so final with a divorce!!!"
Glad I got that out vs saying it.
Luckily my state require separation first.
Luckily my state require separation first.
mine does not....which is good if you are the one leaving i guess but don't think its a wise law.....at least from the seat I sit in right now.
Our entire society makes it too easy to give up and divorce. I don't want to get started. Everyone today just wants to quit anything if it is hard.
Agree OTW
I have NO IDEA how I am going to leave our house and move. The thought makes me vomit and cry...I couldn't sleep last night at all thinking about packing, and heading out of our fantastic house & neighborhood. My stomach turns even writing this? How do you get thru this????
We had a long talk last night about the house, where are we going to live, the dogs, etc....then alot of the daggers came out about the relationship which I tried not to respond to. It was so hard and I did my best to keep positive but afterwards just cried in bed on the parts/pieces that I know I screwed up in the relationship and take ownership
I just feel exhausted and unable to move forward. I am trying to play tennis tonight to keep busy but how do others pick up, move and get on with your life? It so hard.
Hey Rich,
I can relate to how you are feeling. I'm worried about what I'm going to do with my house too. We just moved in 6 months ago after planning this for a year.
It's easy to beat yourself up over the things you did wrong in the relationship, I do that too. But your W wasn't perfect, far from it.
I think the trick is to break life down into really small bite size chunks. Try not to look too far into the future, easier said than done because I struggle with this too.
Just keep breathing.
Wow thornton...that is not good either
WE planned to find this house for 2 years..lived here ayear and poured alot of time/$$ Old house that i grew to love and fantastic neighborhood. Actually trying to find something near here but not much luck as the $$ cut almost in half doesn't go far
Hard to focus on so many things ...work, kid, Divorce, living arrangements, keeping happy with GAl'ing.....dogs....my head is going to explode
i understand that feeling about the house.
we were in our house for 2 years before it all fell apart. I think she kept herself busy for so long woth stuff like finding the house and making it what she wanted that she was fine. then finally she was bored and it was my fault.
I really went into my budget to find a way to keep this house for the kids to remain in the school, their friends etc..
It is hard but i am making it so far.
I just dont get to spend like i did before.
I just dont get to spend like i did before.
I hear ya on that. I am trying to figure out what this new world could look like and I just get nauseu and a pit in my stomach when i try. I care but don't overall as I just think about my STBX and Daughter I hope I can get out of that rut and fog as it is a good week...then bad week...good week...bad.
rich4j, same as you. desperate to stay in the family home, where the boys were born and grew from babies. Not sure I can. It kinda made me realise. when W walks away, there are so many issues we have to 'deal' with. To me, ironically, the least of these now is my stbxw. I miss my boys first and foremost. I know they are cared for by her but I miss them so much it hurts. I grieve my family life, my loss of fatherhood. My comfort, dreams, financial stability and so on. it seems I bounce from one to the other. Sometimes my coping is better with one topic than it is the others.
Anxiety creeps in too. Where will I live. What will I do with all my stuff. I am 'starting again' Feels like a dream sometimes.
Keefa, That is so sad! I wish you the best of luck getting through it and hope the best for you and your boys. My kids are stepkids and I love them like they are all mine. Unfortunately, she has one who will not really talk to me now. The other clings to me but I think that makes her even more bitter about me. Just like you, I need to focus on my kids. The financial stuff will work out. You and I will make more money and build up again. It is the hurt of the loss of the family we need to get through. I wish you the best!!
I can relate to everything you guys are going through. I went through the same fears and concerns. I kept the house and ex was really angry. She actually wanted me to move away from town. I didnt think i could afford it either. I looked at apartments and they were just as costly. I went out and got 2 part time jobs. A few months after my divorce and buying the house I was laid off from my job of 10 years. I was a mess.
I get the attachement to the home where your children grew. It is a big adjustment but you can do it. It will all workout in the end.
Sad stories for us all...
Had a counseling session today with the STBX about co -parenting.
I lost it ....crying...not around our sitch but when we started to discuss how to talk to our daughter. And "what if she cries"...how do you handle. I know I will melt if she cries when the time comes to tell her
What was interesting was my pushy STBX kept telling the therapist how things should work and she kept correcting her that "this was not the way it should go". An example was not having dinners at all together right now living under the same roof as a family. My STBX said it gives the wrong impression to our D that everything is OK. We shouldn't do it
Therapist said ....WRONG. You should show her it is OK as you still will be a family...just not husband /wife.
I need a vacation.
Also found out my STBX has told other people in our "circle" we are getting divorced
We agreed only to tell 1 or 2 close friends/family who have been there to support either one of us thru this...
It seems she has lied to me and decided to tell whoever she wanted to...almost like a badge of honor
PO'd beyond belief. So I am trying to figure out what I do with this new great info.
Why are you really mad? Did you think if she didn't tell people it won't happen.
She is looking to get validation from people.
I once felt the same. Then I realized it really changes nothing
Here's the thing about most WW's. They are going to do what they want. It makes no difference what they've said, and makes no difference who it hurts, and it really makes no difference how or what they have to do to get whatever they want.
rich, they tell others to help build a case for the D. Then when they waiver, it's harder to come back because so many people know. My W did that, then regretted it when all the b.s. she had spread about me came back to me through the rumor mill.
Good luck. Don't tell people who don't need to know yet. I did that early on and regretted it. It gave her license to tell whomever she wanted and that made it more real and harder to undo.
Sandy...agree. Its like she has no conscious anymore which was one of the many traits I loved
OTW-mad...there is a lack of respect and I won't get steam rolled or pushed around anymore with her stuff. If we agree to keep things quiet, she needs to also do this. If we are going to co parent together with our D, this type of stuff is poison that will continue so I need to put my foot down
NYGal-200% agree. She is like a Laywer building her case with her friendship pool. She is continuously validating her decision over and over and it was funny but one of the folks who found out said ..."not surprised...she is not nice and he is too nice"......
Have "stewed" on this for a few days and going to address with her directly when she gets back in town tomorrow on beatufiul Valentines Day!
My D was making her a card today while she was away and asked "Daddy..why don't you make a card?". I had nothing for her as I know she won't either so wrote up a card to keep my D on a good track. Its such a tough situation right now.
I go back and forth about digging deeper to see about an affair as some days I am like "no way" and other days she actually points all the signs to she has been having something.
I do once think she is having a PA out of town. I spoke with our prior therapist last week and she thought she is not the type to do this....
But the person I suspect she may be having a fling wiht....which she has no idea I do.....cuz I did some snooping and its 5 hrs from here.....she may have been with last night
She goes out to dinner or drinks in his town and puts it on our credit card. She obviously has no idea I have any idea of him at all but its kind of a coincidence to be in his town???
Still waiting on my L to see if this would impact the divorce in my state.
What a great valentines gift....she probably spent the weekend with him
Your therapist actually used those words, "she's not the type"? What type of woman has an A? Was he/she referring to women in high society, good families, secure finances, loving husbands, wonderful parents, formal education, religious, high morals/values..........or was the therapist thinking the type would be some woman from the wrong side of town, low income, abusive background, low education, loose morals, dysfunctional family, unstableness, etc.? Well, I have news for the therapist. Infidelity is no respector of persons! It's just like cancer. It can hit in the best of homes and worst.
I think it is a big mistake for any individual to believe there is a type of person who will have some sort of an affair, and a type of person who won't have an affair of any kind.
agree on your premise sandi
Just stating that she knows her from a few years of therapy and that was her take
I have seen some friends wives who seem like they would be the last person to cheat become the cheater as well as husbands .....
When you add this all up, it makes no sense at all and the irrational has taken over. Which is what she is right now and wouldnt doubt she has been lying out one side of her mouth for months. Gulp...
Geez...the days are just getting harder and harder being under the same roof.
I have stopped posting as much but I need to more as its good therapy.
My STBX came back again from another weekend trip as she/I try to not be in the same house during weekends.
Her venom was toxic this time as she came home saying she had a knot in her stomach walking in the door seeing me. Nice! How are you on Valentines day!
As some of you know, I have gone back n forth on her having anothter sweetheart in the town she continues to visit but I think I have finally gotten to the point that I DONT CARE.
I read alot of posts of some of you that at least have one foot in the door which is a good sign and a few who are in a similar sitch as me with D papers being filed , an angry WAW under the same roof and having kids in the picture
She actually came back from her trip again and asked when I was leaving, why I wouldn't get a temp apartment, what is taking my L so long etc....
And went into a rant about how this was all my fault again and had the nerve to actaully say I had manipulated her during our relationship. That floored me...I asked to explain and she said with certain things like thinking about us putting an addition on the house, I would somehow manipulate her into thinking we couldn't afford it, it would be too painful etc.... That....crossed the line for me....and declared she had entered the world of nuttie and cut off the conversation
Things are so tense that I actually have crossed over the river to the side of the bank where I want to go and have a start fresh. I only look to protect my daughter and ensure she is way above all of this and we can shield her heart from being hurt. Makes me cry even writing this...about her as I spent a great weekend with her. Makes me resent my STBX soooo much when I think about my daughter. I took my D to lunch today and watched all the other families again with mom, dad, kids and made me super sad. I tried to refocus on having fun and conversation with her as she is precious
I know once I am out of here, and have my custody aligned so I can spend quality time with my daughter that things will be OK. It will be quiet , a bit lonely, but everyone gets a fresh start and that is what I can only focus on now
Vent over
Rich,
Your W is baiting you. She wants you to react so she can justify her anger. Dont take the bait. Calmly walk away if you feel like you are going to get sucked in.
Hang in there, I know how guilt ridden you feel in regards to your D. I went through the same thing during my D from ex-wife (not my current WAW). It killed me to see my little 5 year old daughter hurt from our seperation.
Keep being the best dad you can for her.
right there with you rich4j,
One of the things that amazed me to the point of turning myself inside our researching every possible angle. Transactional anaylisis, narcissism and so on. No point. Just stick to the rules and go 'meh'
I know its hard.
This weekend I am being threatened with legal action for keeping 2 of many of my boys coats at my house. Again I just let my inner monologue go 'meh, whatever' and carried on. It is hard especially when we are fighting a hundred other battles too...
This weekend I am being threatened with legal action for keeping 2 of many of my boys coats at my house. Again I just let my inner monologue go 'meh, whatever' and carried on. It is hard especially when we are fighting a hundred other battles too...
Keefa- I will say some of you on the board have a much tougher go at it than me with some of the nonsense and heart wrenching things I read. Those are such "little balls" in the stream of life...geez. coats? cmon!
I just want to get out of this fog and transition into a new environment. It will be lonely and I know when I need to leave the house (if that is what happens which seems the most undisruptive to my Daughter) I will have a super hard time ......I tear up thinking about it and seeing my D sit in the window that her and I often look out of together. It rips me apart....
I agree but just it's like faking it till you make it. GAL.
I think about my journey since BD. yes it feels just like a fog. It is surreal when or if I stop and think about it. My inner voice says ' this is just mental'
I am still in a real state of disbelief that this could of happened and that my W, of all the people in the world I would have put last to have ever done this. But what can I do ? What gives me the absolute best possible chance of recovery and change from the negative to a not so negative and even a positive ? I was genuinely looking at a box of tramodol just over a week ago. A friend threatened to call the police to my address if I didn't answer every half hour. This I know sounds very dramatic and attention seeking. It is not. I had my boys this weekend and it felt like Christmas. it changed so quickly. It has changed back again this week to a negative but I feel strong and this too will pass.
My point is things will and always have changed. Sometimes worse, sometimes better. Your now is not your forever. What ever you feel or think, it will change. All you have to do is figure out what tiny little things help you get through.
Mine is walking the pooch, being mindful of nature, seeing my boys of course, Running, (I hate running but it is good routine discipline to do it) catching a rugby game, painting the house and so on.
there is hardly 5 minutes when I don't think of my boys and what they are upto but if I am honest with myself, I know they are ok, going mental somewhere with cars and light sabres and so on. It hurts but I have to keep moving forward. I have to. Or I won't be the Daddy I want to be. I won't be the person I want to be and that is all I can do for now..
I agree but just it's like faking it till you make it. GAL.
I think about my journey since BD. yes it feels just like a fog. It is surreal when or if I stop and think about it. My inner voice says ' this is just mental'
I am still in a real state of disbelief that this could of happened and that my W, of all the people in the world I would have put last to have ever done this. But what can I do ? What gives me the absolute best possible chance of recovery and change from the negative to a not so negative and even a positive ? I was genuinely looking at a box of tramodol just over a week ago. A friend threatened to call the police to my address if I didn't answer every half hour. This I know sounds very dramatic and attention seeking. It is not. I had my boys this weekend and it felt like Christmas. it changed so quickly. It has changed back again this week to a negative but I feel strong and this too will pass.
My point is things will and always have changed. Sometimes worse, sometimes better. Your now is not your forever. What ever you feel or think, it will change. All you have to do is figure out what tiny little things help you get through.
Mine is walking the pooch, being mindful of nature, seeing my boys of course, Running, (I hate running but it is good routine discipline to do it) catching a rugby game, painting the house and so on.
there is hardly 5 minutes when I don't think of my boys and what they are upto but if I am honest with myself, I know they are ok, going mental somewhere with cars and light sabres and so on. It hurts but I have to keep moving forward. I have to. Or I won't be the Daddy I want to be. I won't be the person I want to be and that is all I can do for now..
I've been following your posts and this is a very healthy change in tone. You are growing a great attitude and it shows. Yes, there are going to be some really down times ahead; times you'll want to curl up in a ball. But it will pass. Changes happen minute by minute. You are doing great.
Curling up in a ball sounds just fine sometimes. Keefa..feel for ya and if you were closer (sounds like you are UK based) I would catch a rugby game with you. I played back in college in the states Kids can keep us going and that is what I wake up every day and am thankful for...and my dogs! :-)
Those that have followed my drama ...there has been allegedly no A. From reading and posting over the last few months I doubted this over and over again as she was not the type of person to just throw in the towel but then again maybe I didn't know her well enough.
I have flip flopped from caring/not caring to caring/not caring weekly in terms of an affair. Why do I care at this point? Pride? yes. Do I like more pain than I am in ? No
But I guess for some of us we need answers. I kept digging and have found she "at least" has had an interest out of town where she has been at least hanging out with when visiting her hometown friends. It seems to not have started until we were in a bad,dark place but I am confident it was part of what she needed to kick me to the curb. And continue the blame game of "I wouldn't be dong this if it wasn't his fault"
Yep snap again rich4j, had (am having)the same. This has been said many times but man the spookiness of how often the same scenario's play out !
'M was over so i've done nothing wrong' ' this would have all been sorted if you'd have moved out months ago' and so on. My answer now ?
'Meh'
Thank you ciluzen. I'm not sure I am convincing myself just yet but I will keep going.
Some days you're the fly, some days you're the windscreen! (windshield!)
I love my Rugga but also play a little hockey too!
I found the A after picking up an old cell phone. I had an uncomfortable feeling something wasn't right for a while before BD. She actually swore on our boys lives that nothing was going on. I believed her. She had an Iphone, She had used it for the last few years although the contract was technically in my name.
She went out shopping but had asked me to cancel the contract and sell the phone as she had bought a new one in her name. I never found out why, just figured she wanted a new phone. I decided to give it to our eldest as a treat for school work etc and was waiting for w to return so we could chat about it. I decided to turn it on to check there were no family pics, birthday christmas memories etc before factory re-setting it. Ding...there were all the sexting pics, naked pics of him and pics of W with legs apart etc. Stuff i'd begged for to send to me but she'd never done so despite seeing her give birth twice etc. All the sex conversations, meetings and so on.
BUT.....guess what....yep she denied it and maintained had done nothing wrong.
Man O'Malley, our Ws must consult each other before they return from their trips. They say almost the same things verbatim and blame us for everything. I have my faults but the M didn't crumble because of them. I think (and I've told my WW as much) they need to have a long look in the mirror.
Stay strong and try not to get suckered /baited into an argument. My WW needs that fix almost as much as she needs her fix of the om.
I sit in my house this afternoon working as I usually go to an office and my STBX is playing music, having kids over after school, and it actually really gets my goat.
Why do I have to leave the house? Yeah....it would be easier for my daughter in the short term as her mom does usually get her from the bus etc..but I can do it too. Just PO'd.....I really want her out of the house at this point in the longer term. Need to sync with my L